Bill Clinton 1 Ever the opportunist, I am jumping on the Clinton bandwagon. Frankly, the entire issue bores me, but a number of people have asked for my opinion on the "scandal." There certainly is no better time to make those opinions known than now. This will not be a tight, concise bit because I am writing it quickly to take full advantage of today's developments. It is random thoughts on the issue. Bill Clinton is a scumbag, but he is no scummier than any other president. Clinton's main deficiency does not lie in his moral integrity but in his intelligence. He is a stupid, backward hick from Arkansas. Leaders of all countries, throughout the centuries, have had affairs. Clinton was simply far more blatant about his predilection for (big-haired, big-mouthed) women. His stupidity and lack of common sense are reason enough to impeach him. I do not care if the president lies and fucks around, but his intelligence level should be such that he does not parade his whores around the White House and in front of a variety of people. A dishonest president? No problem. A horny president? Fine with me. A president who has absolutely no intelligence or common sense? Please step to the side, but only if your VP is not named Al "Ise Loves Dee Environments!" Gore. Al Gore. The man scares the shit out of me. I cannot picture Gore having sex with his own wife, much less a buxom, portly, power-hungry intern. (And that's all I have to say about him.) Monica Lewinsky is a pig. A total pig. A fucking pig. Oink-oink. Never have I heard of a woman keeping a semen-encrusted dress as a memento. Never have I heard of a mother storing that semen-encrusted dress for her daughter. How does one go about asking one's mother to do that favor? Hi, Mom, it's Monica. I have a favor to ask of you. Sure, dear. Are you running low on cash? No, Mom. Actually, the president got a cum stain on my navy blue GAP dress and rather than have it dry-cleaned, which is what a non-psychotic mistress would do, I would like you to take it for safekeeping. Oh, sweetheart, I'm so proud of you! You're a whore just like your mother! I insinuated that I slept with one or all of the Three Tenors and here you are, my baby, having kneeled before the presidential shrine! But, dear, how did he get his love juice on you? I had a sore throat that day and he told me, "Monica, my dearest Ho-Ho, if you want to cure a sore throat, you need to gargle salt water and I've got something a little salty that you can gargle." Monica, is that true? No, Mom. You know I'm a compulsive liar in search of the love, affection and acceptance you and Dad never gave me!
Bill Clinton 2 Kenneth Starr is a prudish fool. Bill Clinton could, presumably, have been impeached ten times over for all of his dirty dealings. It seems that a new "-gate" was coming out every few weeks until the nation learned Clinton likes his cigars soggy and stinking of fish. Starr gave up on focusing on the issues that could have potentially jeopardized the nation. He focused on Clinton getting fresh poon from a young woman hell-bent on earning her presidential kneepads. It is far more scandalous and headline-grabbing, but even if he encouraged the whole fucking White House to lie about his affair, not worth impeachment hearings. The only good to come out of this incident is that I am just a touch proud of the American people. I had expected Americans to go nuts over this because, while Americans have sex, we're rather shocked that other people are doing it as well. "Yeah, sometimes my husband comes in through the backdoor, but my god, that's so gross when other people are doing it! Especially when they're doing it for others to watch! And for money! Ewww, sex!" Americans are total drama queens and we blow issues way out of proportion. When the Lewinsky "scandal" broke, I built a soundproof bunker in my backyard because I swore this would lead the McCarthyism of the 90s. "Do you have sex? Do you enjoy it? Well, you're out of office! We only want old people who give the impression of being miserable celibates, such as Jesse Helms." Instead, we have acted like mature adults. We are bored by the notion that a grown man had consensual sex with a grown woman. We are not calling for his head (the one attached to his neck, you pervs). We accept that he cheated on his homely, emasculating wife with an eager intern with huge knockers and want to move on. Ah, yes, you say, but Clinton lied...under oath. Yes, and so would you. There is nothing inherently wrong with lying.