How men relate to women

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					How Men Relate to Women
           Vast Differences,
          Innate Inclinations,
   and the Relationship Train Wreck
             Richard Driscoll, PhD

                 adapted from
        Opposites as Equals
      Richard Driscoll with Nancy Ann Davis
          Gender Relationships Head South

   Ill will abounds
       33% of women report being typically resentful of men
       14% of men are typically resentful of women
          Resentment runs twice as high among women

   Fatherless families
       40% of children born to single mothers
       The traditional family is now an alternative lifestyle

   Women report increasing unhappiness
          (over 35 years, compared to men).

          Be It Proposed that:

   Vast differences can be identified between men and

Innate inclinations
       (inherited from our ancestors through natural selection)

Combine with current circumstances
>> Explain our differences and help identify solutions.
?? How many here believe that important differences are
  innate ??

         The Nature of Lust

   Young males are more interested in casual sex
       And any culture, primitive or industrial, past or present,
        anywhere in the world.
       In many animal species (with only a few exceptions).
          Tomcats go through rain, sleet, and snow, like the postman…

   U. of Hawaii study
       Students were approached by an attractive confederate,
        flattered, and then invited for a tumble. How many agreed?
       Of the young men,
       Of the young women,

   Who has sex more frequently and with more partners,
    men or women?
       Logically, since it is a joint activity, men and women do it on
        average at the same in frequency and with the same number of

   Men compensate women
       By principles of supply and demand, since men are more eager,
        sex with women becomes the more valuable commodity.
       So women are in a better position to require compensation for
        their sexual favors.

         Human Nature

   Evolution and parental investment
       Since males may invest much less in each youngster, male genes
        proliferate through opportunistic sex.
       Since females invest more in each offspring, female genes do better
        to go slower and choose more carefully.

   Nature + Nurture
       Individual qualities are from inheritance + experience
       30% or more of individual qualities are inherited
                    If we realized how important genes are,
              we would be more careful about who we let into ours.
                                    Bob Wyrick

         Eavesdropping on Arguments

   John Gottman at U. of Washington observes couples in
    his "Love Lab."
       Helps couples identify an "area of concern."
       Asks them to work together to find a resolution.
       Naturally, of course, they argue.

       Video cameras and stress indicators record reactions.

The method is multiple observations of actual arguments,
  and then analysis.


   Insistence
       Women more often initiate arguments, argue harder, and have the
        last word,
       Men are more apt to avoid arguments when possible or concede,
        placate, or withdraw from confrontations.
   Stress
       Women are more comfortable in arguments and recover faster
       Men are more highly stressed, intimidated, and confused and feel
        trashed and bitter longer afterward.

              "In the sea of conflict, men sink and women swim."
                                    John Gottman


   Masquerades
       While we expect men to dominate, the findings are just the
       Men want to appear stronger, and women to appear more
        understanding, so we pretend we are as we wish to be seen.

   Origins
       Men who acquiesce or otherwise avoid offending women have
        more mating invitations and more offspring.
       Women who insist and berate require more of a commitment and
        thus gain more support for their offspring.


   Marriages are better when men and women participate
    about equally.

            To better resolve conflict, you must learn to be more comfortable
            with it. Recognize that it is normal for women to be more easily
            upset and irritated than men, but that women also get over it
            faster. Do not interpret it as a great catastrophe when your mate
            is bothered about something.
               Stay involved, and try to talk it out.

            You might realize that men are more vulnerable in conflict than
            they appear and slower to recover from it.
               Be careful to accurately gauge how much stress your
            accusations inflict, and make allowances.
        Emotional Overload

   High stress in arguments predicts poor outcomes
       We can reduce stress in multiple ways.

   "Shield Out Hostility" training reduces stress
       Shields against anger, criticism, contempt, manipulation
       Involves physical sequences combined with protective images
       80% of participants report benefits

                 Available at:
                  "Personal Shielding To Deflect Hostility."

          Favorite Sins

   Men and women have favorite weaknesses:
       Men are more inclined to casual sex (lust)
       Women are more inclined to casual resentment (anger).
       Women hardly understand why men lust.
       Men hardly understand why women fuss,

    "I have become increasingly angry, as the alternative is depression."
         Feminist pioneer Gloria Steinem
    "Choosing to be angry… means you're feeling fully alive."
         Use Your Anger: A Woman's Guide To Empowerment

         Support for Men Promotes Equality

          Men are not bound and gagged in arguments with women.
                            It just seems that way.

   Traditional standards act to remedy an emotional
    imbalance, promoting more egalitarian relationships.
       Patriarchy and the traditional support for men have fallen out of
       Yet patriarchy calls upon women to soften their superior
        emotional firepower and to listen to their husbands, so that men
        might have a place in families.
       In the absence of a counterbalance, women complain and men
        withdraw, leaving relationships emotionally barren and families
        increasingly matriarchal.

   6 minutes

          the Invisible Comptroller

       Regardless of ideology or geography, affluence, race, creed, or
        color, or liberal or conservative philosophy…
We can agree that men ought to support and protect women
 and not harm them or allow others to do so.
   Chivalry
       Refers to the tendency for men to support and protect women.
       Is considered a flimsy folktale and seldom mentioned.
       Is found to be universal and involves intense passions.
       Is the invisible standard between men and women.

    Chivalry provides advantages.
          Chivalrous Ancestors

   Champ Chimpski rescues fair damsel
   Origins
       Males who support females against
        offending males gain mating opportunities
       Males who support males against females
        leave a smaller genetic footprint.

          Chivalry amid Famine

       Among Rhesus monkeys in Calcutta, females and a males ate
        while adolescent males starve
       Among famished rats at Rutgers, females ate 60% of the

       Amid shipwrecks, such as the Titanic, women and children are
        saved while men are sacrificed.

   It is human nature to sacrifice males so that females might

          Men take the risks

   Inga, Org, and the snake.
       Chivalrous genes are invited into the next generation

   Of the 10 most dangerous occupations, all are
    predominantly male.
       Cell tower repairman tops current lists.
       The most dangerous is
             suicide bomber.

   War sacrifices men
       In Iraq, women comprised 15% of the American military,
        but mercifully, only 2% of fatalities.


   A glass of whiskey in your face
       Is an assault by a man,
       but merely a rebuff by a woman

   Marital misconduct.
       If a man stabbing a woman to death is a 10 (truly heinous).
       A woman stabbing a man is a …
        6 (serious, but perhaps understandable) .
       He is a menace, and hardly a man at all.
       She is still a woman, and very much available although perhaps a
        tad risky.

          Domestic Violations

   In physical altercations
       Men and women grab, push, slap, and worse, at about the same
        frequency (in 11%–12% of relationships)

   Women report such violations 10 times more often than
    do men
       (what sort of fool would hand his wife over to other men, infuriate
        her, and maybe loose her forever, over a few hits?)

   We hear more and are more concerned about men
    harming women , producing biased impressions

          The Master Illusionist

       Being openly critical of women is socially improper now, as it
        always has been, while being publicly critical of men is more
        readily tolerated and increasingly prevalent.
       The combination of feminine firepower and chivalrous sympathies
        turn public attitudes against men.

    " A man defending husbands vs. wives or men vs. women
       has got about as much chance as a traffic policeman
       trying to stop a mad dog by blowing two whistles."
                                                           -Ring Lardner

          Chivalrous Illusionist

   Supporting women and criticizing men, but suppressing
    the opposing arguments, creates a substantial bias.
   As we look at only one side of the story, our chivalrous
    biases morph into an absurdly lopsided sense of reality.
       Nobody has ever suggested we can understand each other by
        hearing only one side of the controversies.

   Suggestion: Be careful about how much of the propaganda
    you absorb.

          Why men earn more

   We hear commonplace accusations that women earn only
    76% or so of what men earn:
       Several analyses show men work tougher, riskier, less pleasant
        jobs and work more hours.
       Of mothers with professional degrees, fully 54% choose not to
        work full time.

   Such repetitious accusation suggests extreme prejudice,
    and spreads ill will toward men.
   Men who earn less than women are considered slackers.

          Chivalrous Legalities

   Equal treatment before the law helps stabilize marriages
    and softens the ill will when couples do divorce.
        Researchers found that states that moved toward shared custody
        arrangements had falling divorce rates over the next five years,
        compared to states that maintained residential custody for
        mothers and visitation for fathers.
       When fathers want to remain involved, a strong preference for
        joint custody should be a no-brainer.
       Yet chivalrous sympathies run high, and most courts award
        custody to mothers while fathers fade into occasional visitors.

   Suggestion: agree now to share

          All Inequalities Are Not Created Equal

   Some inequalities are so firmly ingrained in human nature
    that it makes no sense to argue for or against them.
       Could we be comfortable risking women, as in war, when men can
        take the risks instead?
       Surely not

   Can we be honest about chivalrous standards?
       Possibly. Maybe. It is worth a try. Good luck!

          Why do women berate? Why Now?

   Women have more emotional firepower
   Our chivalrous natures support women against men
   Now integrated into broader society, women influence
       higher education,
       media,
       laws.

   Our social masquerades ignore vast, innate differences.
       Are women oppressed?
       Answer: Who wants to argue against angry women?

      Feminism Harms Women

   The feminist agenda has made tremendous inroads into American
    culture over the last 35 years.
   The General Science Survey shows that happiness among women
    declined a substantial 4½ percentile compared to men, over these
    same years.

   Feminism generally holds that women are oppressed but can
    accomplish wonderful things once the oppression is overthrown.
   How might ideological feminism contribute to unhappiness?

      Wounding Its Own

   Feminists are indifferent to the satisfactions of motherhood.
   In spite of widening workplace opportunities, women find that it
    is not easy to accomplish great things, raise a family, and still have
    a free moment to oneself.
   The ideology of oppression increases bitterness among women.
   The false sense of being oppressed can be as harmful as actual
   Note: "The problem that has no name" is called existential angst,
    rootlessness, superficiality, the human condition.
    It is not an index of oppression and not peculiar to women.

          Oppressed by your imagination

   Women:
       Believe they work more hours, while research shows men and
        women work about the same.
       Are paid for their accomplishments, the same as men.
       Are increasingly fearful of being assaulted, while violations go
        both ways about equally.
       Are increasingly worried about being molested or raped
       Are increasingly resentful and harmed by their own resentments.
       Are increasingly immune from the constructive criticism which
        might improve their outlooks.


   Pair bonding
       Is common among birds but rare among mammals
       Began 1.7 million years ago among our hominid ancestors

   Fatherhood doubled the resources available to a family
       Provided support for increased intelligence, innovation, and from
        there, civilization.
       Fatherhood is losing out to "choice for women."
       Fatherhood is the goose that laid the golden egg.

          Cooperation Yields Mutual Benefits

   A committed marriage introduces meaning and purpose
    amid the confusion and rootlessness of life.
       Married men become more responsible, and are healthier.
       Married women are safer and better off financially.

   The best solutions benefit not just one or the other of us
    but men and women jointly and about equally.

Lucky in Love

          Further Inquiry

   Download power point slides at:
   "Opposites as Equals" and "Personal Shielding" are
    available here.
   A facilitators guide (draft) is available for small group
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