Real Taste Developer

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                                     Real Taste Developer
                             An ezifun Manual to Kitchen Cuisine




GMJUT

 Note: Real Taste is our free kitchen book that has many recipies to develop your taste buds. The book is
free to use and distribute hopefully you will find this cooking manual helpful in your daily diet.




     Real Taste: Ezifun Manual to Kitchen Cuisine
                                                    ...1

   Introduction.2

   Breakfast.2

   Cashew Factor French Toast2

   Leftover Breakfast Rice.2

   Hot PB Apple Shingles.3

   Fried Plantain Tactic.3

   Your Average B. Muffins.3

   Plantain Mash.4

   Pilfered Pancakes ala Scott4

   Date and But Spreadstuff4

   Chocolate Banana Chunky.4

   Basic Terrorist Fuel4

   Embassy Applesauce.5

   Other Meals and Manoeuvres.5

   Basic Gluten Blueprint5

   Third Degree Gluten Stew..5

   Mr Selby’s Revolution Sauce.6



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Conspiracy Chickpea Salad.6

Tomato Noodle Gluten Bomb.7

KT’s Tastes Like Chicken Tofu Biscuits.7

Black and Blue-Eyed Peas.7

Kinda Cottage Cheese.8

Eggless Soymayo.8

Swell Slaw Formula.8

Gluten Pepper Steak.9

Incriminating Seitan Stir Fry.9

Scott’s Chinese Flapjacks.9

Satan’s Suey.10

Lentil Death Loaf10

Grilled and Hammered Tomatoes.11

TVP Slop-O-Rama.11

S/S Tempeh.11

Duped Carrot Soup.12

KT’s Stuffed Manicotti12

Potato Staple.13

Kind of Like Cheese, Only Different13

Biscuit Power.13

Warfare Gravy.14

Tater Salad by Straightly KT.14

Basic Roast Blueprint14

Big Mess of Lentils.15

Sweet Potato Bake.15




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Tomato Salsa.16

Hummus Spread Number Four Six Seven.16

Oakland Baked Beans.17

Quick Attack Lima Bean Soup.17

Free Stuffed Zucchini17

Stewed Eggplant18

Beany Salad.18

Hardening of the Arteries Salad.18

Gingered Spinach.19

Post Meal Manipulation Tactics.19

Sweet Potato Cannonballs.19

Unbaked Oatmeal Orbs of Domination.19

Baked Nanners.20

Frozen Banana Batons.20

Coconut Milky Rice.20

Strawberry Nice Cream..21




 Introduction
 So you’re just about out of duct tape and you just can’t get seem to keep those unruly hostages in line. I
have often found that food can be a great means of manipulation, and an acceptable alternative to
physical confrontation. Hopefully, you will find this cooking manual useful in your daily manoeuvres. The
recipes within are just a collection of suggestion. Do not restrain yourself by strictly adhering to degrees
and measurements. Experimentation is the name of the game. Explore and record your findings. We are
watching you.




 Breakfast

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 Cashew Factor French Toast
 On the forefront of firebombing breakfast materials. These go over well when breakfasting with
influential contact people.
      ¾ cup water
      ½ cup raw cashews
      2 pitted dates
      ¼ tsp sea salt
      whole grain bread

blend everything into a liquid. Dip the bread into a mixture and brown on both sides in a small amount o
foil in a pan or in a toaster oven.

 Leftover Breakfast Rice
There always seems to leftover rice at the compound. This makes for a sweet breakfast treat.
   2 cups cooked rice
   1 ½ cups water
   ¼ cup raisins
   ½ tsp cinnamon powder

heap it all into a pan and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat, cover and simmer for 15 minutes. Slap it in a
bowl and add a little vanilla soymilk for kicks

 Hot PB Apple Shingles
       Your favourite bread
       Some peanut butter
       Some applesauce
       1 sliced banana

toast the bread and smear it with peanut butter. Heat up the applesauce and pour it on the toast. Top it
off with the banana and sing some nice breakfast songs.

 Fried Plantain Tactic
Plantains are similar to the banana and can be found in most grocery stores and grocery markets.
They’re like a banana except thicker, less sweet, and I think the taste sorta potato-like when cooked.
    Some plantains
    Some oil

Peel those suckers and cut into quarters. Fry in a skillet in about ½ inch really hot oil. Fry until they’re
tender and golden brown. This is a swell addition to your breakfast regimen.

 Your Average B. Muffins
Muffins are a good part of a smart breakfast arsenal. They’re easily transported, keep well in a
backpack for idlest one day, and can be used anytime as a treat.
    2 tbsp soy margarine


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       1 tsp arrowroot/1 tsp water
       ½ cup Sucranat (sugar)
       2 bananas
       1 ¼ tsp baking powder
       2 cups whole-wheat flour
       ¼ tsp sea salt
       ¼ cup soy milk

Cream the margarine and sucranat together, add the arrowroot and mashed up banana. Mix up all the
dry ingredients with soymilk. Plop it all into some greased muffin pans and chuck into a 350F degree
oven. Bake for 12 minutes or so, then do a little muffin breakdancing.

 Plantain Mash
Yet another plantain formula for those nights of plantain madness, or days with plantains go on sale at the
Berkeley Bowl. Oh yeah.

Peel the plantains and boil them in water until soft. Mash in a bowl and serve with some sweet soymilk

 Pilfered Pancakes ala Scott
Pancakes are always a favourite. Try adding fresh fruit to the batter. Bananas and peaches work really
well, but use your imagination.
     1 ½ cups whole wheat pastry flour
     ½ cup water or soy milk
     1 tbsp oil of some sort
     1 ½ tsp sugar
     2 tsp baking powder
     maybe some orange juice would be nice

mix up all the dry stuff in a bowl, then add the wet ingredients. Heat up a frying pan with just a little oil,
then cook on both sides until nice and brown.

 Date and But Spreadstuff
This often satisfies the quick need for a sugar buzz, during those stressful moments of hostage
negotiation.
    1 ½ cups chopped dates
    tub of plain Tofutti ‘Better than Cream Cheese’
    1 cup chopped walnuts

blend it all in a bowl and slap it on a raisin bagel. Play around with substituting other fruit in place of the
dates. Pineapple is swell.

 Chocolate Banana Chunky
The ultimate in crude, reactionary beverages. Very effective as a breakfast staple or just a swell treat
   2 small, very ripe bananas
   cocoa or carob soymilk



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shove those bananas in a big cup and poor a little soy milk over them, as you mash it all together with a
fork. Add more soymilk as desired. I like mine messy and really chunky. Screw those wimpy smoothies.

 Basic Terrorist Fuel
 This is simple. Ride your bike to Whole Foods up on ashby and telegraph. Stumble to the coffee section
and coop up a pound of Adam’s organic rocket espresso. Pay a ridiculous price for it and cures yourself
for being such a junkie. Ride home and brew up a pot of mud. Drink yourself into a state of frenzy and
scream your head off at your hostages. You don’t even have to make sense. Simple, yet very effective.

 Embassy Applesauce
 This is swell for breakfast. Cut some apples into quarters. Put them in a blender and add some pineapple
juice. Blend as if you hold a grudge and add juice as needed.


 Other Meals and Manoeuvres
 Basic Gluten Blueprint
 Gluten, or seitan, is a cheap, effective way of feeding hostages. Gluten is the protein of wheat and makes
a very nice meat substitute. You can find prepared seitan in some health food stores, but its much
cheaper and more fun to make it at home. Making gluten can be a rather timely process, so I suggest that
you drag your hostages into the kitchen, where they can be more closely monitored.
     8 cups hard wheat flour (high gluten content)
     3-4 cups cold water

slowly add the water to the flour in a big bowl and mix into a stiff dough. Knead like a maniac. Kneading
develops the gluten and is vital to our mission. Cover the dough ball with cold water and let stand. You
can let it sit there for an hour or, if your hostages are acting up, you can let it sit there all night. This
loosens the starch. After letting the dough sit, knead under the water. Stop kneading it right before the
water is clear. The dough will be soft as you wash it and suddenly get real firm. That’s when you want to
stop washing and place it on a board to drain. Form the gluten into a roll and cut into ½ inch slices.
Scream at your hostages for a while then go prepare your broth.

Broth:
   8 cups water
   1 cup tomato sauce
   2 big onions, chopped
   some spike
   5-6 tbsp vegetarian bullion
   ¼ cup soy sauce
   some garlic powder

Throw all the broth ingredients into a big pot and bring to a boil. Throw the raw gluten in and let simmer
until most of the liquid is gone. This will take around an hour and a half. Stir occasionally. Now you have
the core for a whole arsenal of potentially dangerous dishes. You can use it in sandwiches, stews, stir frys
and pasta dishes. Experiment and document your findings.




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 Third Degree Gluten Stew
This makes a hearty meal for those long nights of interrogation
    4 cups seitan/gluten
    2 big carrots
    2 big onions
    4 potatoes
    1 celery stalk
    3-4 cups water
    some garlic powder
    1 cup tomato sauce

Boil the potatoes until they’re cooked, but still firm. Chop into medium-sized pieces. Chop up the onions,
celery and carrots, into small pieces. Combine all the ingredients in a huge pot and bring to a furious boil.
Lower the heat and simmer for approximately 20 minutes or so. You should play around with the amount
of ingredients until you come up with a nice thick stew. You can slop some nutritional yeast in there to
slightly thicken it u[. Eat this with a big chink of bread and make a lot of gooshy noises.

 Mr Selby’s Revolution Sauce
This is nice on pasta, would probably do nicely on fried potatoes
    Brick of crumbled firm tofu, drained
    Some nutritional yeast
    Some mushrooms
    A chopped onion
    A clove of garlic minced
    Bunch of really ripe tomatoes

Beat the hell out of the tomatoes, until you have something resembling tomato sauce. Add the rest of the
ingredients to taste. Simmer in a saucepan for a couple of minutes and throw on some noodles.

 Conspiracy Chickpea Salad
 This is best eaten right before you interrogate your hostages. It gives off some nice garlic breath,
therefore making this the perfect dish for breaking those with an acute sense of smell. Keeps really well in
the fridge.
      ½ red onion, thinly sliced
      some really cold water
      2 cups cooked chickpeas
      ½ cup diced tomato
      ½ cup chopped green bell pepper
      2 tbsp chopped fresh parsley
      2 tbsp lemon juice
      3 tbsp apple cider vinegar
      2 tsp olive oil
      2-3 tbsp minced garlic
      some spike

In a bowl, cover the onions with really cold water. Let them sit for 20 minutes. This crimps the onions an
removes thir acidity. You can use this time to flog the hostages and prepare the rest of the ingredients.


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Drain the onions well and pat them dry. Combine everything and let marinate at room temp. the longer it
sits, the better it tastes.

 Tomato Noodle Gluten Bomb
This one’s a hearty meal for the active terrorist. Real fuel for your personal revolution.
    3 cups cooked gluten
    4 cups cooked noodles
    16oz tomato sauce
    2 big onions
    some mushroom pieces
    2 cloves crushed garlic
    some spike

Throw everything, except the noodles, in a big saucepan. Simmer for a couple of minutes, until nice and
hot, then pour on top of the cooked noodles. Quick, easy and painless.

 KT’s Tastes Like Chicken Tofu Biscuits
This is really good and Katie has made many a hostage weep at the thought of her swell food.
    1 package firm tofu, defrosted and drained
    finely chopped onion
    1 celery stalk, finely chopped
    several biscuit power biscuits (see recipe)
    some warfare gravy (see recipe)

Drain the tofu really well. Cut it into ¼ inch slices and marinade in the gravy for a little while. Slap the tofu
on an un-greased baking pan and bake for 20 minutes at 350F degrees. Serve the tofu over the biscuits
and smother it with gravy. Egad, this is really swell and will make you praise Katie.

 Black and Blue-Eyed Peas
Several of my associates down south tell me that this is an appropriate pre-torture dish. Good for those
pot luck situations.
     2 cups dried black eye peas
     5 cups hot water
     1 large onion
     1 clove garlic
     1 celery stalk, chopped
     ¼ cup molasses
     1 tbsp sea salt
     4 tbsp canola oil
     ¼ tsp oregano
     8oz tomato sauce

Soak them peas overnight in the hot water. Add the rest of the ingredients and simmer on low heat until
the peas are tender, or one of the hostages spills their beans.

 Kinda Cottage Cheese


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Somewhat close to the real thing. Serve with peach slices on top.
   8oz tofu
   1 tbsp oil
   a pinch of salt
   1 tbsp apple cider vinegar or lemon juice

mash everything together with a fork and you’ve got some swell snack material.

 Eggless Soymayo
I can’t do without this crap. Slap it on everything under the roof, including insubordinate hostages.
     6 tbsp lemon juice
     1 cup plain soy milk
     ½ tsp sea salt
     ½ tsp paprika
     ½ tsp mustard
     12 tbsp vegetable oil

put it all in blender, except for the oil. Blend on the lowest speed and gradually add the oil, real slow like,
until it thickens. Continue blending until thick and dreamy. Put in a jar and put it in your fridge.

 Swell Slaw Formula
 This is an effective salad material and gives you some pretty good gas, which you might find useful when
attempting gastro-intestinal torture on your hostages.
     1 cup eggless soymayo
     2 tbsp brown rice syrup
     2 tbsp lemon juice
     2 tbsp celery seed
     a crazy mixture of shredded lettuce, shredded cabbage and sliced green onion

Combine all the ingredients, except the roughage stuff, and mix until well blended. Pour it over the lettuce
mix. I like to throw in some shredded carrot, as a treat, when the hostages are cooperative.

 Gluten Pepper Steak
This is really swell. My girlfriend gets the credit for this one.
    Around 3 cups gluten
    1 red bell pepper
    1 green bell pepper
    some duct tape
    1 big onion
    1 tsp garlic powder
    some spike

first, use the duct tape to secure those troublesome hostages to the kitchen table. There should be no
distractions while you cook, and you must eliminate any security risks. Chop up the peppers and onion.
Combine all the ingredients in a pan and cook on med-hi heat. Stir while cross-questioning hostages.
Serve over rice and be grateful.


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 Incriminating Seitan Stir Fry
This leaves me feeling very refreshed and healthy, ready for a new mission. The infamous John
Templeton was said to have eaten this before kidnapping the entire population of Gnome, Alaska.
    3 cups seitan
    1 green bell pepper
    1 red bell pepper
    1 ½ onions
    come canola oil
    1 small eggplant
    some soy sauce
    some fresh garlic
    1 cup snap peas

chop up the onion and peppers into convenient sizes. Cut the eggplant into ¼ inch slices. Heat the oil in a
wok or a big pan. Hurl all the ingredients into the wok and stir over med-hi heat until everything is
cooked but still kinda crunchy. Serve over some rice.

 Scott’s Chinese Flapjacks
Almost equal parts whole-wheat pastry flour and water
   Some oil
   Some chives
   Some sea salt

Combine the flour and water and form into a kinda gooshy dough ball. Tear it apart and make a bunch of
little balls. Flatten each ball and spread a little oil on top, sprinkle with chives and spices, then roll up like
a cigar or something. Fry in a pan with lotsa oil until pastry turns opaque.

 Satan’s Suey
A friend served this to me at a terrorist get-together, when I was on a mission in Japan. It’s best served
over rice and dosed with soy sauce.
    2 tbsp oil
    1 large onion sliced
    1 green pepper sliced
    2 stalks celery chopped
    1 thinly sliced carrot
    1 ½ cups bean sprouts
    2 cups cooked seitan
    1 cup mushroom pieces
    some spike

sauté the mushrooms and onion in oil. Use a trusty wok. Set aside the mushrooms and oil and spike in
wok, you might have to heavier on the oil. Stir fry all the vegetables and seitan over high heat, for a
couple of minutes. The vegetables should be cooked, but crisp. Lay it all on some rice, play with some
chopsticks and go to town with your bad self.




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 Lentil Death Loaf
 Heavy, yet light enough to carry along on those late-night raids. Slice and use for sandwich filler or duct
tape a piece to your bike for emergencies.
     2 cups cooked lentils
     2/3 cup plain soymilk
     2 tbsp oil
     1 ½ cups dry bread crumbs
     2 tsp egg replacer
     1 cup chopped walnuts
     1 tsp sea salt
     1 tsp thyme
     1 big chopped yellow onion
     1 cup grated red onion
     1 cup chopped celery

combine all ingredients and mix thoroughly. Slop into a greased 1-½ qt. Casserole dish. Steal this dish
from your mom’s house. Bake at 350F degrees for about 1 hour. Eats well with nutritional yeast gravy.

 Grilled and Hammered Tomatoes
 This can be either a side project, or a main dish. Grill the hostages until you can come up with an
appropriate menu for the evening. Never forget to keep a close eye on your supply of duct tape.
     6 large ripe red tomatoes, cored and sliced in half, horizontally.
     ½ cup olive oil
     3 tsp rosemary
     2 tsp dill
     some spike

Arrange the tomatoes in a good-sized baking dish, cut side up. Pour the olive oil over them suckers and
sprinkle with spices. Broil until the tops begin to brown (about 5 minutes)

 TVP Slop-O-Rama
 This somewhat resembles stuffing, very good as a main or side dish. Whatever’s appropriate for the
situation. Katie says this is the rad shit.
     Around 2 cups TVP
     2 cups almost boiling water
     1 cup quick oats
     a huge red onion, chopped
     a big green bell pepper, chopped
     some vegetarian broth powder
     8oz tomato sauce
     some garlic powder
     some spike
     2 tbsp vegetable oil

boil the water and throw in the TVP and oats. Slosh it around a bit until it starts thickening. Throw in the
rest of the ingredients and mix it all up. Chuck everything into a semi-deep baking pan. Bake uncovered
for around 45 minutes at 450F degrees. Let the top get nice and brown. I think it’s good when it burns a


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little.

 S/S Tempeh
 Tempeh is really swell stuff. Most hostages are suckers for sweet and sour dishes. This goes well with
some rice. You can also use this as sandwich filler, for those picnic situations.
    16oz uncooked tempeh
    2 tbsp lemon juice
    2tbsp tamari sauce
    1 ½ cups water
    ¼ tomato sauce
    1 tbsp brown rice syrup
    4 medium cloves garlic

cut the tempeh into medium sized squares (or bricks, if making sandwich filler). Place all the sauce
ingredients in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Throw in your tempeh, and reduce the heat. Cover and
simmer for about 45 minutes to an hour. You might have to add a little water. This is good hot or cold.

 Duped Carrot Soup
It’s good and will make you feel all warm inside, giving you the strength to subdue your hostages.
     3 large sliced carrots
     1 cup vegetarian broth
     ½ chopped onion
     ½ tsp garlic powder
     ¼ cup plain soymilk

Combine everything in a medium pan and cook until the carrots are tender, but not mushy. Mushy carrots
suck and have caused many a fistfight within our organization. Well I suppose it doesn’t matter because
you want to slap everything in a blender and puree until smooth. Stir in the soymilk and reheat if
necessary.

 KT’s Stuffed Manicotti
 For those Italian-style hostage festivities. This would be a good dish to impress your friends with. I was
surprised at how cheesy this comes off as.
     16oz tomato sauce
     6oz tomato puree
     1 medium sized green bell pepper, cut into small strips
     1 medium chopped onion
     basil, garlic, spike, red pepper to taste
     some fake ham or fake bacon bits

Put all the sauce in a large pan. Simmer on low heat for about 1 hour stirring occasionally. Longer you let
it simmer, the more flavourful it becomes. While the sauce is cooking, prepare everything else.

 Stuffing
         1 lb firm tofu
         a package of chopped spinach



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       palm full of garlic, basil and parsley

Drain tofu and squeeze out an excess water. Mash everything together. Cook the manicotti by following
the directions on the box. When the manicotti is done, preheat your oven to 350F degrees. Put some of
the sauce on the bottom of a rectangular baking pan. Now, carefully, I mean carefully, stuff the manicotti
with your stuffing. Place the stuffed manicotti in the pan and splatter some more sauce on top. Cover with
some foil and bake for 30-35 minutes. Let cool for five minutes before serving.

 Potato Staple
This is your usual breakfast fare. When I’m broke, I find myself eating this for every meal.
    About 5 good-sized potatoes
    A big onion
    Some oil
    Some garlic powder and spike

Scrub down them taters and plop them in a big pot of boiling water. Just enough water in the pot to
cover the potatoes, this will make things go faster. Boil them until they’re done, but still really firm.
Remove from heat, drain and rinse with cool water. Now, cut up the potatoes into medium-sized chunks.
Chop up the onion and get a moderate amount of oil going in a big frying pan. Throw in the onions and let
them cook for about a minute. Throw in the potatoes and heave in a bunch of garlic powder and spike.
Add oil as needed, and cook until brown and kind of crispy. All the hail the mighty potato.

 Kind of Like Cheese, Only Different
I love this stuff, and so do the hostages. Even the tough ones break down and beg for some no-cheese
on their noodles or mash potatoes.
     1 cup nutritional yeast
     1 cup flour
     2 tbsp soy margarine
     1 tbsp mustard
     some sea salt

Throw everything, except the mustard and margarine, in a saucepan and simmer until thick. This takes a
lot of stirring. Add a little water if things get crazy. Once you have a smooth sauce going, remove from
heat and stir in the mustard and margarine. Go to town and put it on everything.

 Biscuit Power
Universal means of feeding unruly hostages. Breakfast to dinner, biscuits are a useful means of reasoning
with the hungry opponent.
     2 cups flour
     1 tbsp baking powder
     1 tsp sea salt
     1/3 cup vegetable oil
     2/3 cup water or soy milk
     2 tbsp nutritional yeast, for kicks

Whip up your oven to 450F degrees. Mix all the dry stuff in a bowl, then add your oil and water/soymilk.
Stir things up with a few threatening words to the head hostage, then make him stir the mix until he gets a


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nice, soft dough. Take the bowl away from the hostage and knead dough for a couple of seconds.

Break the ball down into a bunch of small chunks, the size you want your biscuits to be. The dough
won’t rise much in the oven. Place on an un-greased cookie sheet and bake for approximately 17
minutes, until nice and brown on top.

 Warfare Gravy
Gravy is power.
    6 tbsp soy margarine
    ½ cup whole-wheat flour
    ½ cup nutritional yeast
    3 cups vegetarian broth
    some garlic powder
    spike to taste

melt the margarine in a saucepan, then add the yeast and flour. Don’t stop stirring. Things will start to get
very doughy and thick. Slowly add the broth until you get the desired consistency. Spice it up and pour
over a roast or baked tofu. Can also be used for hot gravy torture when hostages don’t want to wash
dishes.

 Tater Salad by Straightly KT
        10 med size potatoes
       1 ½ onions chopped
       3 stalks celery chopped
       some garlic powder
       some spike and pepper
       mustard to taste
       eggless mayonnaise

Peel and wash the potatoes. Boil them for around twenty minutes or until they’re cooked but not mushy.
Add the chopped veggies, garlic, spike and pepper. Mix in some fake mayo. Add some mustard to taste,
then play picnic on the kitchen floor with the hostages.

 Basic Roast Blueprint
 Roasts are really swell and can be hearty enough to feed the most demanding hostages. Have fun, and
try to create the deadly meatloaf your aunt flo used to force on you every Sunday. You can pretty much
make a roast out anything. I was once in a bind and had to use a box of granola and a can of shoe polish.
It didn’t work so well, but hey, we’re talking about hostages.
      2 cups protein stuff: kidney beans, lentils, garbanzo beans, fake meat, tofu, soy beans etc.
      1 cup carbohydrate stuff: dried bread crumbs, uncooked oatmeal, cooked rice, crushed cereal
         flakes, wheat germ etc.
      ½ cup nuts, chopped or ground: raw peanuts, cashews, almonds, walnuts etc.
      1 tsp arrowroot mixed with 1 tsp water
      1 to 1 ½ cups liquid; tomato sauce/juice, vegetarian broth, or soy milk
      ¼ sweet basil
      some spike
      2 tbsp vegetable oil



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Just mix it all together really well and slap into a greased loaf pan. Bake for about 45 minutes at 450F
degrees. Serve it with some gravy and dole it out to them starving hostages.

 Big Mess of Lentils
In general, a big crazy mess of lentils. Seriously potent on the intestinal torture scale. Good for cold
days.
     2 cups uncooked lentils
     1 chopped onion
     1 chopped carrot
     ½ roll chopped duct tape
     ½ cup chopped celery
     ¼ cup chopped green pepper
     8oz tomato paste
     1 tbsp maple syrup
     ½ tsp oregano
     ½ tsp soy margarine
     ½ tsp nutritional yeast
     1 tsp sea salt
     1 tsp cumin

Cook the lentils, carrots, onion, celery and pepper in 4 cups of water. Add the rest of the stuff and
simmer for about twenty minutes. Time may vary, as I frequently had to leave the kitchen to discipline a
hostage who was screaming from the hall closet. Serve with a huge hunk of whole grain bread and feel
like a cave man.

 Sweet Potato Bake
 Sometimes it is much more effective to tempt your hostages, than to come right out and whack them in
the kisser.
     4 medium sweet potatoes
     1 small ripe banana
     2 tbsp soy margarine
     1/3 cup orange juice
     1 tbsp brown rice syrup
     1 ½ tbsp sea salt

Bake the sweet potatoes at 375F for 45 min-1 hour or until tender when prodded with a fork. Cut them
there potatoes lengthwise and scoop out the inside, so you are left with the shells. Set the shells to the
side and mash the banana with the potato and add the soy margarine, o.j., rice syrup and sea salt. Beat
intensely and spoon the mixture back into the shells. Place the shells on an un-greased cookie sheet and
return to oven for 12-15 minutes.

 Tomato Salsa
Fresh salsa is much better than that crap you find in jars at the deli, and is helpful in exorcising personal
demons. Can be used in punishing hostages. Go heavy on the cayenne and watch them suffer.
    2 tomatoes, diced
    1 green bell pepper, diced
    1 onion diced


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       2 cloves garlic minced
       2 tbsp minced fresh cilantro
       2 tsp lime juice
       ¼ tsp sea salt
       ¼ tsp pepper
       ½ tsp cayenne pepper
       2 cups really ripe-tomatoes crushed

Slap everything, except the crushed tomatoes, into a large bowl and mix furiously. Take about ¾ of the
mixture and mix in a blender for about 2 seconds (count eee-gad). Put the stuff back into the bowl and
add the crushed tomatoes. Mix well. Cover tightly and let sit in the fridge for a good hour to let all the
flavour set in.

 Hummus Spread Number Four Six Seven
 The beauty lies in the spread’s diversity. Smack it on a bagel or on some cracker. I put some inside my
roommate’s pillow case after he lost my swiz 7”.
    1 cup cooked garbanzo beans
    2 tbsp tahini
    2 tbsp lemon juice
    1 clove minced garlic
    ¼ cup chopped parsley

Thrash it all with a fork, or you can wimp out and employ a blender. Skate to Noah’s and buy a bagel.
This is very swell in pita bread with tomatoes and lettuce.

 Oakland Baked Beans
 This is a good dish to serve with tofu pups or soy burgers. These play a detrimental part in the infamous
sleeping bag torture, which is found on page on 133 of your hostage control manual.
     1 lb great northern beans
     1 tbsp sea salt
     4 tbsp oil
     1 cup tomato sauce
     3 tbsp molasses
     1 huge onion slightly peeled but left whole
     6 tbsp maple syrup

Simmer the beans in enough water to cover them, until tender. Drain off most of the liquid and mix all the
ingredients in a big casserole dish, except the onion. Place the onion in the center, shoving it under the
beans. Cover the dish with some tin foil and bake at 350F for two hours, better 3-4 hours, if you can get
the hostages to wait that long. Remove the onion before you serve.

 Quick Attack Lima Bean Soup
 I don’t know. This doesn’t take very long and is a good thing to make after coming home from the
farmer market.
      2 cups water
      2 cups fresh lima beans
      1 cup blanched peas


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       ½ cup diced squash
       ½ cup diced zucchini
       ½ cup chopped scallions
       ¼ cup dill weed

Chuck everything into a large saucepan. Add the lima beans and bring to a nasty boil, then reduce heat
and simmer for about seven minutes (until tender). Get a hostage to mash everything with extreme
prejudice. Return to heat for a few minutes and serve.

 Free Stuffed Zucchini
 This is always a hostage pleaser, except for this one guy named Jiff who’s an asshole and doesn’t like
anything anyway. Little bastard complains about everything. “ My wrists are sore, my handcuffs are too
tight, waaa waaa waaa.” Always griping about something.
     8 medium zucchini
     ½ cup finely chopped onion
     1 tbsp oil
     1 cup chopped tomatoes
     1 cup soy burger or another fake meat stuff
     2 tsp chopped parsley
     ½ cup bread crumbs, buttered with soy margarine

Wash and steam the zucchini for five minutes. Drain and cut in half, lengthwise, scooping out the pulp.
Save the pulp. Sauté the onion in the oil over med heat, then add the tomatoes, fake meat stuff, zucchini
pulp and parsley. Sauté it all around for seven minutes. Arrange the zucchini shells in a baking dish and fill
them with the pulp mixture. Cover with bread crumbs and bake at 350F for 10 minutes. Praise people
who bring you free zucchini.

 Stewed Eggplant
Eggplant is always a hostage favourite around our house. It’s pretty cool looking vegetable, if you ask
me. Yep.
    A big eggplant
    2 big onions
    2 big green bell peppers
    1 tbsp oil
    16oz tomato sauce
    some spike

cut the eggplant in small chunks and soak in cold water for one hour. Hit a hostage with the onions. Now
chop up the onions and peppers. Fry them in the oil for a couple of minutes, then add the eggplant.
Cover and cook on low for 30 minutes. Throw in the tomato sauce, heat and serve. This goes pretty well
with your favourite pasta.

 Beany Salad
I really like beans, and find them an easy way to support hungry hostages while on a slim budget.
     1 lb cooked kidney beans
     one small onion grated
     3 tomatoes quartered


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       ¼ cup pickle relish
       some eggless mayo
       some lettuce

just slam it all together and serve on some lettuce. Now wasn’t that simple.

 Hardening of the Arteries Salad
Absolutely swell for those international hostage potlucks. Serve as an appetizer when cooking up
Mexican dishes.
   2 ripe avocados
   2 tbps grated onion
   ½ tsp sea salt
   4 tbsp chopped green chillies
   2 tbsp lemon juice
   2 cloves crushed garlic
   sprinkle of spike

mash everything up or massacre in a blender. Pile it up on a mass of lettuce with sliced tomatoes on the
side.

 Gingered Spinach
Spinach is really good for you and tastes much better than it did when you were a kid.
    1 tbsp minced ginger
    2 cloves minced garlic
    2 tbsp oil
    1 lb spinach
    1 tbsp apple cider vinegar
    ¼ tsp crushed red pepper
    ¼ tsp sea salt
    ¼ tsp pepper

In a large skillet sauté the ginger and garlic in oil over med heat for one minute. Add the red pepper and
spinach. Stir-fry for about two minutes, then add the remaining ingredients and give it all a good toss. This
will make the hostages happy, hot or cold.


 Post Meal Manipulation Tactics
 Sweet Potato Cannonballs
 Except for the sweet potato pie, this is a favourite sweet potato concoction. This makes a good desert
and leaves you feeling sluggish and satisfied, an almost dangerous position to be in when you have
hostages to take care of.
     4 cups cooked and mashed sweet potatoes
     1 ½ cup self rising flour
     1 cup sugar
     1 cup coconut milk



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mix everything with a passion. Roll the mixture into little balls. Now I hope we washed our grubby little
hands. Fry in deep boiling oil until browned and cooked through. Serve with a little maple syrup.

 Unbaked Oatmeal Orbs of Domination
Oatmeal is one of my favourites. It’s really versatile, most hostages like it.
    ¼ cup soy margarine
    ¾ cup sugar
    ½ cup grated raw apple or pear
    1 ½ cups cocoa
    ¼ tsp salt
    1 ½ cups quick cooking rolled oats
    ½ cup chopped nuts
    ½ tsp vanilla

Melt the soy margarine in a saucepan and add the sugar, apple, cocoa, and salt. Boil for one minute, then
remove from heat and add the oatmeal, nuts and vanilla. Mix it all together like you’re really pissed off at
the bowl. Drop by the spoonful onto a slick surface. Let them cool then form it all into little balls. These
can be very useful in extracting information from tight-lipped hostages.

 Baked Nanners
This lives the duality of being either a swell breakfast component or an attempt at calming your rebellious
hostages.
     6 bananas
     2 tbsp soy margarine
     3 tbsp sugar
     1 tbsp lemon juice

peel them bananas and split them in half. Place in a shallow pan and bake for twenty minutes at 350F.
while they’re baking, keep basting them with the sugar/lemon juice mixture. Swell.

 Frozen Banana Batons
A nice frozen treat for those long, hot nights of being clammed up in some ‘safe’ house.
    A couple of bananas, not overly ripe
    Lemon juice
    Shredded coconut
    A freezer

Slice the bananas lengthwise and dip into a plate of lemon juice. Now roll in shredded coconut and plop
in the freezer. Real easy, eh? Don’t let them freeze for too long. Take one out and throw at a hostage. If
it leaves a light blue bruise, they’re ready. If you administered a dark purple welt with the banana stick,
then you left them in the freezer too long. They should be solid but not rock hard.

 Coconut Milky Rice
 Sweet rice is simple and good at 3am while you sit in the backyard listening to the upstairs neighbours
clog dance.



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        ½ cup rice
       1 cup coconut milk
       3-4 cups water
       some raisins

Bring the water to a boil in a small saucepan. Add the rice and cook until done. Add the coconut milk
and heat. Plop in raisins, let cool and serve.

 Strawberry Nice Cream
       2 cups plain or vanilla soymilk
       1 ½ cups ripe cleaned strawberries
       1/3 cup sugar

Shove it all in a blender and get down to business. Pour into ice cube trays and plop in the freezer. Just
before serving, chop the cubes in the blender until creamy.




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Ghulam Mustafa Ghulam Mustafa
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