Real Listening Feeds Desire
By Carla Tara – The Intimacy Expert
When I work with couples who are
resistant to healing their relationship
and who no longer feel the kind
of sensuality they felt when they
met, it is often due to their lack of
listening. It’s very common in long-
Tantra says that newness is the
preferred food for Eros. Eros dies
when habits come in. But when you
have been with someone a long time,
it’s very easy for both of you to fall
into a rut. Your lover gets to know
your patterns – what you like, what
you don’t like, what you complain
about. When your partner hears the
beginning of a sentence, they already “know” what you are trying to say; they stop listening and
start replying the usual way, leaving absolutely no space for newness to occur.
You might be in a new space, and trying to bring a new view or approach to this issue, but now
your suggestion or insight gets completely ignored and you feel discouraged and “lonely”.
In this lonely place, you may stop being open and trusting, and close off to your lover, or you
may desperately try to talk anyway to your partner’s deaf ears, hoping in vain that one day he or
she will actually listen to you.
Either way you are closing off to Eros. If you are no longer expressing yourself or are
compulsively repeating yourself, Eros leaves your relationship.
If you are the one no longer listening, you may want to refresh your relationship by becoming
curious again, and really listen for what you could say to break the vicious cycle. To do that you
need to let go of assumptions. An assumption usually says: “Why should I listen to this
again? I already know what they are going to say.” Stop! You are closing the door for possible
newness to come through. If your lover is really just repeating the same thing and really nothing
new comes up, it means they are feeling unheard. So bring some intention to giving them space
to feel heard - you may even try to ask questions to bring out the possible newness of the
situation. Every moment is new if we really look and listen.
This is an important teaching of Tantra: “When you are in the NOW fully you are in a
tantric space.” Some of you may have read the work of Eckhart Tolle – his book “The Power of
Now” is reviving this ancient tantric idea in self-growth circles. (If you haven’t read the book, I
highly recommend it. )
Sexual and romantic connection are about energy. Be fully present with your partner and
focus your energy into truly listening to them, deeply, with intention and love. You will be
surprised how that energy juices up your relationship in every way!
Carla Tara is an internationally-acclaimed intimacy and relationship
coach, who masterfully integrates a variety of tantric approaches with
body-oriented psychotherapy. She is known for the strength and
creativity of her work as a relationship and sex coach to both individuals
and couples, helping them rediscover the passion of their relationships,
and deepen intimate connections.
You can find out more on her website at CarlaTara.com.
Photo by Renee Barron, Flikr.com