MOONBASE NINE: EPISODE TWO: THIEVES’ BLOOD: THE NEW EDITION
Host Segments written by Nathaniel Torres
Theater Segments written by Nathaniel Torres and Phil Dejean
Music and Lyrics by N. Torres.
Material from the THIEVES' BLOOD movie written by Daniel Antonio,
Kevin Rapp, and Scott Sliger.
All Rights Reserved
NOTE: This is the script we worked from. It contains a few revisions
but not much, these were entered for clarity.
1. OPENING SKIT. PROLOGUE.
Phil and Fanghorn are celebrating with cake and party hats.
Phil: Whooo! Whoo!
Fang: Yeah! Whoo!
Phil: Oh, hi! I’LL bet you’re wondering what were so happy about?
Space Command has lifted certain restrictions on entertainment
content and has agreed to send us a real horror movie!
Fang: Our boring days are over! Anything goes! We are certainly
excited about this! What are we going to see? Texas Chainsaw?
Fang: Friday the 13th?
Phil: No. Moonbase Nine is a very low-budget operation, so don’t get
your hopes up too high. Were seeing a little-known gore-fest called
Fang: Ah, blast it! That could mean anything!
Phil: We’ll be right back ...
2. OPENING TITLES FOR MOONBASE NINE.
Devon and Gantry and Sawyer running through the fields as the credits
3. BACK TO MOONBASE NINE. OPENING SKIT.
Fanghorn the talking plant is at his laptop, using a pencil he is
typing on the keyboard. Phil leans into the frame.
Phil: Hanging on the corner of the edge of the abyss, you could swear
life doesn’t get much better than this. What the hell are you writing,
Fanghorn? Daisy purple diamonds planted in the minds of men, while
the twelve disciples pretty standing in a line of ten. That doesn’t
make sense. (To the camera) Hi, I’m Phil, the Commander of Moonbase
Nine, and this is Fanghorn, my talking plant. He seems to be going
through yet another poetry phase. Rainy sunshine leaving oozing spots
of grey, as lonely ice cream bandits melt along the weary way. Okay,
that does it! It’s off to the therapy couch for you!
Fang: No, not the therapy couch! Wait! It’s nine o’clock!
Phil: Ah, saved by movie time!
4. THIEVES BLOOD: THE NEW EDITION: PART ONE.
Phil: Oh, look, it’s the attack of the .99 cent character generators.
Fang: New Edition. I haven’t even seen the old edition.
Phil: All these guys went on to star in films with better titles.
Fang: What did you expect, a flashy James Bond-like opening sequence,
complete with a rock and roll song sung by Tina Turner?
Phil: Yes, something to keep audience interest. I don’t like being
put to sleep at the very beginning of the movie.
(Scott’s credit comes up)
Phil: Yay! (Phil leans down as if to pick up something)
Fang: Yay! Yay! What the hell are we yaying about?
Phil: Horror-meister Scott Sliger!!!
Fang: Okay, what the hell ... Yay!! Yay!!
Phil: Now it’s dark ...
Fang: Here’s to your freak, Frank.
5. ===THE FIELDS===
FIELD OF WEEDS. ZOOMING SHOT.
Phil: You know, this kind of reminds me of the view outside my window
on earth as a child ... I hated it. I really did.
GREEN POLICE CAR ENTERS FRAME AND MOVES ACROSS SCREEN FROM RIGHT TO
Fang: I had another dream about a car. I dream a lot about cars. Why
do you think that is?
CAR HEADS TOWARDS CAMERA.
Phil: It’s just your deep-rooted desire to be mobile. We’ve talked
about that in therapy, remember?
Fang: Ah, yes, my mobility-envy.
DEVON AND GANTRY RUNNING THROUGH FIELD FROM LEFT TO RIGHT.
Fang: Who are these guys and why are they running?
CLOSE UP. POLICE CAR.
Phil: I think they’re running from the police
DEVON AND GANTRY. CLOSER SHOT.
Fang: Why? Why? What did they do?
Phil: I don’t know. Just watch the movie.
POLICE CAR MOVES FROM RIGHT TO LEFT ON SCREEN.
Fang: He’s certainly searching very patiently.
SAWYER RUNNING ACROSS FIELD ALONE IN THE SHOT.
Phil: (finger over nose) We now cut to an entirely different movie.
CAR MAKES A U-TURN AND SPEEDS OFF.
Fang: Oh! Go and get them! Rent-a-Cop rents-a-wreck!
DEVON AND GANTRY RUNNING ACROSS FIELD FROM LEFT TO RIGHT.
Phil: You know, it just dawned on me ... This all seems like an opening
title sequence, except there are no titles.
Fang: You know, you’re right! They seem to be using this sequence
to pad out the film! We demand our money back, you swindlers!
CAR HEADING TOWARDS CAMERA.
Phil: Fanghorn, we didn’t pay to see this.
Fang: I know, I just always wanted to say that.
DEVON AND GANTRY IN QUICK RUNNING SHOT.
CAR SEEN DRIVING AWAY FOR THE LAST TIME.
Fang: He’s quitting. He’s off to get some doughnuts.
GANTRY AND DEVON IN A FURROW, RUNNING TOWARDS CAMERA.
Phil: I think I know why Space Command sent us this movie. We asked
for a horror movie and they thought we meant a horrible movie.
SAWYER COMING OUT OF WEEDS.
SAWYER, DEVON AND GANTRY IN FURROW. SAWYER FALLS AND GETS UP AGAIN.
Fang: Ha! Fall down go boom!
Phil: It’s Chariots of Fire for idiots!
6. ===THE WOODS===
WOODS. PANNING SHOT TO THE SMALL STREAM BETWEEN THE STONE WALLS.
Fang: (referring to the trees) Ah, look, my cousins! Hello, cousins!
Phil: Fanghorn, the plants are not real, they’re just images on a
Fang: Oh ... Hello?
DEVON AND SAWYER ARRIVE AT THE SMALL STREAM.
I CAN’T TAKE IT.
NEVER AGAIN. I KNOW I ALWAYS SAY THAT, BUT, THIS IS THE LAST TIME.
WHERE DID MARCONI GO WITH THE CAR, HE’S NEVER GONNA FIND US, MAN.
FORGET ABOUT THAT. FORGET ABOUT THAT. MARCONI WILL MEET US BACK AT
THE HOUSE, WITH THE MONEY.
I HOPE SO, MAN, I’D HATE TO THINK WE WENT THROUGH ALL THIS SHIT FOR
NOTHING. FOR NOTHING
DEVON GOES UP TO GANTRY WITH BAG.
GANTRY, PUT YOUR KNIFE IN THIS BAG. GANTRY, ARE YOU WITH US OR WHAT?
HEY, I’M HERE, NOW WHERE’S MARCONI WITH MY F***ING MONEY.
TAKE IT EASY. WOULD YOU JUST TAKE IT EASY. YOU WANNA BRING EVERY COP
DOWN ON US?
TO HELL WITH THE F***ING COPS. (Throws bag into woods)
WHERE’S SAWYER? WHERE’S MARCONI?
KEEP IT DOWN. WOULD YOU GUYS JUST KEEP IT DOWN. J**** C*****, BE QUIET.
OKAY, SAWYER, I DON’T WANT ANY TROUBLE, JUST TELL ME WHERE MARCONI
WENT WITH MY MONEY, THAT’S ALL I WANT TO KNOW.
WHAT? YOU MUST BE JERKING MY CHAIN, MAN. NOBODY COULD BE THAT STUPID.
WHAT DID YOU SAY? WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, YOU PIECE OF SHIT?
I DIDN’T CALL YOU NOTHING.
GANTRY DREAMS OF KILLING SAWYER SHOT.
Fang: Kiss him don’t kill him.
BACK TO GANTRY AND SAWYER FACE TO FACE.
Phil: Oh, it was a daydream.
I NEVER LIKED YOU. IF YOUR FRIEND DOESN’T SHOW UP WITH MY MONEY I’M
GOING TO CARVE MY INITIALS ON YOUR ASS AND BURY YOU OUT HERE LIKE
A BIG ROCK.
FAIR ENOUGH, MAN. FAIR ENOUGH.
LET’S GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE.
GANTRY WALKS OFF.
I’M NOT GOING OUT THERE WITHOUT MY GUN, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT?
GANTRY...FLUNG ‘EM INTO THE WOODS.
DEVON AND SAWYER WALK OFF.
Phil: Well, simply go retrieve it.
7. ===THE ROAD===
WE SEE A DIRT ROAD AND GANTRY, DEVON, AND SAWYER ENTER THE FRAME AND
BEGIN WALKING AWAY FROM THE CAMERA.
Fang: Is this the road to perdition?
Phil: No, I think it’s the road less traveled.
Fang: Perhaps it’s the road paved with good intentions.
Phil: Maybe it’s the road to riches.
Fang: Look, there’s the Road Warrior!!
Phil: And there’s Mel Gibson and he’s shooting a little mock
TRACKING SHOT. GANTRY WITH DEVON AND SAWYER IN THE B.G.
WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON THAT MARCONI HE’LL WISH HE’D NEVER BEEN BORN.
C’MON, GANTRY. TAKE IT EASY.
TAKE IT EASY? TAKE IT EASY HE SAYS. THAT BASTARD TOOK OFF WITH OUR
ENOUGH ALREADY. YOU DON’T KNOW THAT FOR SURE. YOU’RE GETTING YOURSELF
ALL WORKED UP OVER NOTHING
NOTHING? AN I SUPPOSE BEING CHASED BY COPS THROUGH F***ING MILES OF
WEED THIS HIGH, AND LOSING FIFTY-GRAND IS FUN?
MARCONI’S PROBABLY WAITING FOR US BACK AT THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW.
STOP TRYING TO SAVE YOUR ASS SAWYER. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT
MARCONI IN ON THIS, AND YOU WERE THE ONE THAT TOOK SO LONG THAT WE
HAD TO GO LOOKING FOR YOU.
IT WAS BECAUSE OF MY LEG IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO GET BACK.
AW, POOR GUY, DOES YOUR LEG HURT THAT MUCH? IF I DIDN’T THINK IT WOULD
WASTE TIME I’D STRING YOU UP RIGHT HERE AND SLIT YOUR THROAT FROM
EAR TO EAR.
LOOK AT THE MOUTH ON THIS GUY. WHO TAUGHT YOU ENGLISH? JACK THE RIPPER
EVERYTHING’S A BIG JOKE TO YOU, ISN’T IT?
YEAH, ESPECIALLY YOU, MAN. ESPECIALLY YOU.
DEVON GETS BETWEEN GANTRY AND SAWYER.
C’MON, C’MON, GANTRY
LET ME GET HIM.
LET HIM GO, DEVON. HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS CRAP DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE?
LET HIM GO!
HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS CRAP DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE? YOU BROUGHT MARCONI
IN ON THIS ACTION, MAN, AND I THINK YOU PLANNED IT THIS WAY.
YEAH, AND I SUPPOSE I PLANNED ON GETTING BIT BY A GUARD DOG, YEAH.
HE’S GOT A POINT THERE, GANTRY
YEAH? WELL, I GOT A POINT HERE TOO. SURE SEEMS FUNNY HOW I DIDN’T
HEAR ANY DOG BARKING, DID YOU, DEVON
IT’S KINDA HARD FOR A DOG TO BARK WHEN HE’S GOT HIS TEETH SUNK INTO
THE DOG HAD THE RIGHT IDEA.
YEAH? WELL THAT’S THE LAST THING THAT DOG WILL EVER SINK HIS TEETH
ISN’T THERE ANYBODY HERE THAT’S NORMAL ANYMORE? J**** C*****!!! ...
SAWYER, GO ON UP AHEAD, I WANNA TALK TO GANTRY FOR A MINUTE
SAWYER WALKS PAST GANTRY.
LISTEN, YOU GOTTA STOP THIS. IF YOU KEEP PUSHING HIM AND HARASSING
HIM, HE’S GONNA PUSH BACK.
PEOPLE HAVE TRIED TO CHEAT ME ALL MY LIFE, YOU MUST KNOW HOW I FEEL.
I’M NOT THAT SMART, BUT I OBSERVE AND I LISTEN, I’VE GOT GOOD
INSTINCTS. I READ PEOPLE LIKE YOU READ BOOKS. AND WHAT I READ IN
SAWYER, MAN ... FAT DOUBLE-CROSSING RAT.
I’M NOT ASKING YOU TO LOVE HIM, I’M TELLING YOU, HE’S JUST SCARED,
WELL, HE BETTER BE AFRAID, CAUSE SO HELP ME, DEVON, MARCONI AIN’T
BACK THERE WITH MY MONEY, I’M GONNA KILL SOMEBODY
Phil: That bitch better have my money! (From “I’m gonna get you
8. ===MIDDLE SKIT===
MOONBASE NINE. GANTRY’S PHOTO IS IN A FRAME AND FANGHORN AND PHIL
ARE TO EITHER SIDE OF IT.
(THEY SING THE GANTRY SONG. A.K.A THE BULLY SONG)
Both: He wants to kill someone
he thinks it would be fun
he’s as mad as can be
Both: Gantry, Gantry, all hail to his majesty
Gantry, Gantry, all hail to his majesty
Fang: (spoken) Hey, don’t say anything bad about Gantry! Especially
when he’s around!
Phil: Gantry, Gantry, all hail to his majesty!
Fang: (spoken) Hey, Gantry’s just some guy, you know? Criminals are
people too! They have feelings [like everybody else]!
Phil: Gantry, Gantry, all hail to his majesty!
Fang: (spoken) Don’t misjudge Gantry! He’s actually a quite a nice
guy, once you get to know him! [Ha ha ha ha ha!]
Fang: He likes pushing people around!
Fang: He carries a big frigging knife!
Fang: Hey, what the hell do you think you’re looking at?
Both: Gantry! ... He’s in charge ... But he’ll get ... His one day
... Oh, Gantry!
They shout: GANTRY!!!
9. ===THE VALLEY===
BACK TO THIEVES BLOOD: PART TWO.
DEVON, GANTRY AND SAWYER COMES THROUGH THE WOODS AND GO DOWN INTO
THE SMALL VALLEY.
FANG: (Theme from 2001) Dd da da, walking scene ... Da da da, walking
scene ...Da da da, walking scene, the walking scene, the, walking
scene, walking scene, walk, ing, scene!
Phil: Shut up!
OMINOUS MUSIC STARTS UP.
FANG: So, money is missing and these guys are heading back to their
Phil: That’s basically it.
Fang: Not very much of a plot. I thought this was supposed to be a
Phil: Well, ominous music just started up, so let’s see if anything
THE SMALL HILL. SAWYER IS HAVING TROUBLE CLIMBING IT.
THIS DAMN LEG. C’MON, GIMME A HAND. C’MON, MAN GIMME A HAND. I CAN’T
FANG: OH, OH, OH. Here comes something! Oh, oh .... No!
ANOTHER DAYDREAM KILLING OF SAWYER.
Fang: Why do I get the feeling there is no horror in this movie at
Phil: (waving his arms, looking back) C’mon, guys, what the hell did
you send us? Show us the stuff.
Fang: Yeah, the stuff!
10. GANTRY AND THE OTHERS REACH THE HOUSE.
FANG: What is the stuff?
HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID?
PHIL: I just don’t care anymore.
MAYBE HE WAS HERE. MAYBE HE LEFT A NOTE FOR US OR SOMETHING. HE WAS
HERE, I’M TELLING YOU, DON’T WORRY. HE’S GOT THE MONEY. HE’LL BE HERE.
LET’S GO CHECK IT OUT.
Fang: Look at Gantry’s nose!
Phil: It’s deformed.
LEAVE A NOTE? MARCONI? WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING
HE MIGHT HAVE. C’MON
GANTRY RISES AND FACES THE HOUSE.
YEAH, DEVON, DON’T BE SO NEGATIVE. I MEAN, WHY NOT?
YOU’RE WASTING YOUR TIME BUT LET’S GO.
I WANT YOU TO WAIT HERE. KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR COPS. ME AND SAWYER WILL
TAKE CARE OF IT. C’MON, LET’S GO.
Fang: Perhaps Gantry will metamorphosize into something really
horrific and bite off Sawyer’s head.
Phil: Don’t count on it.
Fang: Well, Sawyer what was going through your mind at the time?
Phil: Well, I was thinking, What the hell am I doing out here in the
middle of nowhere shooting a movie nobody will ever frigging see?
Fang: Ah, more ominous music. Perhaps now we will see something?
Phil: I’VE given up wondering if anything will happen.
Fang: Yeah, I kind of feel the same way. Maybe we should just leave
the theater and go do something more constructive?
Phil: No, I want to see this through.
Fang: What’s the point? We will only be disappointed in the end.
Phil: Yeah, but, Space Command only sends us a movie once a week,
so I say we stick through it to the end.
Fang: Never in all of cinematic history has one short felt like such
a long movie. (Starts to cry)
Phil: Aw, c’mon, Fanghorn. Don’t cry.
Fang: I cannot help it. I had my hopes up too high, and now ... This
is so wrong ...
Phil: Here, have a fly. Oh, no, it escaped! (Waves arm about) Sorry.
Fang: It’s okay. I’M used to being abused by now. After seeing this
film I can take anything.
DEVON STANDING ALONE WATCHING THEM GO.
Phil: I could’ve been having a beer.
Fang: He walked into the house, not knowing what to expect, and there
they were, seven severed heads laid out neatly around a bed! Ha ha
ha ha ha! Boo hooo!
SEE ANYTHING? WAS HE THERE
YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS. HE WAS HERE. HE WROTE SOMETHING
ON THE WALL HERE. LEFT A MESSAGE
YOU’RE KIDDING ME.
COME ON IN. CHECK IT OUT.
Both: Let’s go! Go inside! Get it over with! Don’t delay! (2x)
Fang: What the--?
C’MON, SAWYER. I CAN’T READ YOUR BUDDY’S HANDWRITING
WHY? CAN’T YOU MAKE IT OUT?
I CAN’T READ IT. MAYBE YOU SHOULD COME IN HERE AND CHECK IT OUT. MAYBE
YOU CAN READ IT. COME ON IN. I’M NOT GONNA BITE YOU.
KNIFE IN NECK.
Fang: Phil, it’s getting scary!
KNIFE IN BACK.
Fang: I’M feeling a bit dizzy.
COME ON IN. WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL? C’MON, SAWYER.
KNIFE IN ARM.
Fang: Oh, is this really necessary?
FANG: I’M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK!!! I CAN’T BREATHE!!!
BLOOD GUSHING OUT OF STUMP.
Fang: Ahhhhh!!! Ahhhhhh!!! Ahhhhhh!!! I can’t breathe!!!
Phil: Ohhhhh!!! Cool!!!
SAWYER WALKS OFF GOING AROUND THE HOUSE.
Fang: Ahhhhhhh!!!! Help me! I’M falling! I’M falling!
Phil: Calm down! Here try breathing from this paper bag.
Fang: No! It was made from a tree! I need a plastic bag!
Phil: To breathe into?
Fang: No, to throw up into!
Phil: Just throw up! If you need to throw up, just do it!
Phil: Oh, gross!!
Fang: How could they subject us to such cruelty?
GANTRY HURTS SAWYER’S FACE.
YOU PSYCHO. WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY FACE? I’M GONNA GET YOU, YOU BASTARD.
I’M GONNA KILL YOU.
YOU LOWLY PIECE OF SHIT, YOU AREN’T EVEN WORTH KILLING.
I’M GONNA GET YOU. I’M GONNA KILL YOU. GO AHEAD TRY IT, MAN, GO AHEAD,
MAKE YOUR MOVE.
GANTRY WALKS AWAY.
SAWYER ATTACKS GANTRY FROM BEHIND.
DEVON, KILL HIM.
DEVON HITS GANTRY WITH A LARGE WOODEN LOG.
Fang: He’s killing him using one of my dead cousins!
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH? HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?
DEVON THROWS STICK AWAY.
Fang: No respect for the dead.
GET HIM! KILL HIM, MAN!
HE CAN’T DO NOTHING NOW. SHUT UP. HE CAN’T DO NOTHING. HE’S DONE FOR.
GANTRY BITES OFF DEVON’S FINGERS.
Fang: That’s it. I’VE had enough. I draw the line at severed fingers.
Phil: Just hold on, it’s almost over.
Fang: When? When will the insanity end? When will man stop being cruel
Phil: We finally get a horror movie and you turn wimp on me!
Fang: This is not true horror. True horror has a sense of
psychological terror about it. This has none of that.
Phil: I’M not going to sit here and debate the substance of horror
Fang: These images will be etched in my mind for months to come. I’M
going to need more sessions on ... The couch.
Phil: Oh, so you finally admit that couch-therapy is good for you.
Fang: Yes, I’LL say yes to anything you say, so long as you put an
end to this.
SAWYER AXES GANTRY IN THE CHEST.
Phil: Oh, look, he broke that poor man’s heart.
SAWYER AXES GANTRY AGAIN AND AGAIN.
MARCONI ENTERS THE SCENE.
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT NOW, SCUM, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? GONNA DIE!!
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE? CAN’T I LEAVE YOU GUYS ALONE FOR FIVE
GANTRY IS ALL CHOPPED UP BUT HIS SEVERED HAND STILL MOVES.
Phil: Look, it’s moving.
WHERE WERE YOU, MARCONI. WHERE WERE YOU?
THE COPS CAME. I HAD TO GET MY CAR OUT OF THERE. WHADDAYOU THINK I’M
GONNA LEAVE YOU?
THIS IS YOUR MESS. I DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS. YOU CLEAN
IT UP. YOU WANT YOUR MONEY IT’S IN THE HOUSE. OH!
11. END TITLES.
Phil: Gantry returns in Thieves Blood: Part Two: The Hand that Killed
Fang: Well, that was, horrible.
Phil: That’s why they call ‘em horror movies.
Fang: Please, take me out of here.
Phil: Okay, let’s go.
(They exit theater to the left and the titles continue until they
12. ===THE FINAL SKIT===
MOONBASE NINE. THE VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCE SONG. (A.K.A. SAWYER’S
(Fang sings. He’s got on a blue plaid shirt with blood on it)
If you bring me flowers
I’d say you’re not that bad
since you bring me poisonous snakes
I’d say that I’ve been had
If you bring me candy
you would lift up my blues
since you bring me dynamite
I’d say love’s not in you
I’m a victim of circumstance
why can’t you let me be?
A victim of circumstance
(Phil enters the frame)
Phil: Very good, Fanghorn. Now say goodbye to the good people out
Fang: Wait. I’D just like to say that it was lots of fun seeing Sawyer
Phil: That’s the spirit. Now you’re getting the hang of what horror
Fang: It can be fun and cathartic.
Phil: Yes. Hey, we’ve got a communication coming in!
Fang: SOMEONE’S on the Star Vision. Who is it?
Gantry: (In jeans, black t-shirt, and blue plaid shirt) Hey, guys.
Just calling to let you know that I don’t appreciate the way you made
fun of my life. And I’VE got a point here to prove it. (Searches but
cannot find one) Dammit, I lost my knife. Do any of you guys know
where my knife is?
Phil: We thought you were dead.
Gantry: Well, you know, you just can keep a good bad man down.
Fang: Gantry, what was the deal with the growth on your nose?
Gantry: Well, I’m glad you asked. You see, that’s for me to nose and
for you to find out.
13. MOONBASE NINE END CREDITS.
14. FINAL EXCERPT.