Famiglia Italiano Famille Francais
Figlia (daughter) “Romy Ovilla” Fils (son) – “Joe le Ette”
Donkey Family Elephant Family
Don Key (Donkey, Shrek) – father Eli Phant (Horton- Dr. Seuss) – father
Donna Key (Eyore-like) – mother Ellie Phant (cheerleader happy) – mother
Donny Key (Nestor, Dr. Seuss – always speaks in rhyme) – son Ella Phant (Heffalump) – daughter
Pigeons who sit on top of statue – one always not in sync with the other
Peter & Paul
Grounds Keeper/Street Sweeper
Mary – a Carol Burnett character
Hot dogs/pretzels Fireworks Maps Fortune Teller
Foam Crown Sales Street Musician Ferry Operator Greenpeace(Save the Trees)
Military Service Men and Women
Army Air Force Navy Marines
Other roles or cameos:
James Cagney - playing George M. Cohan in Yankee Doodle Dandy - Entertainer
Two living Statue of Liberty characters. One up on a pedestal with pigeons and one in a “resting” area. Film this statue
napping, shaving, having a cup of coffee, doing nails, going into toilet with Sunday NY Times…etc. Every once in a while
the statues will relieve each others like lifeguards!
Jane Addams – housing director
Lines we need to use:
“One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish”
“We American’s have been kicked out of all the best countries in the world”
“Don’t tread on me, don’t sneeze on me, don’t hug me” (Swine Flu reference)
“Because everyone has a right to be foreclosed”
“What happens in America. Stays in America.”
“I did not have take a class with that woman”
Songs we like to hear used:
America (from West Side Story) I’m so glad we’ve had this time together (Carol Burnett theme song)
American Pie We’re Coming To America, Neil Diamond
Take me out to the ballgame School House Rock America
Yankee Doodle Dandy Nobody here but us chickens
Favorite TV Theme Songs (Lisanne has CD) Come on baby light my fire
Elephant Family – Red Donkey Family - Blue
Burger King McDonalds
Key Lime Cove Timber Ridge
Italian Family – becomes Red French Family – becomes Blue
Prologue – Establishes the Theme
Act I Scene 1 – Ellis Island speeches by Elephant and Donkey families
Scene 2 – French and Italian families in their homes deciding to be red or blue
Scene 3 – French & Italian kids meet – prep for parade
Scene 4 – Parade event – statue of liberty disappears
Act II Scene 1 –
Scene 2 –
Scene 3 –
Statue: Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame, with conquering limbs astride from land to land; here at our sea-washed, sunset
gates shall stand a mighty woman with a torch, whose flame is the imprisoned lightning, and her name Mother of Exiles.
From her beacon-hand glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command the air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she with silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me; I lift my
lamp beside the golden door!"
Peter: Why do we have to take all their tired and poor?
Paul: One thing I love about living in America is it's every different type of person piled one on top of the other. I’m all
for open immigration, but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses." Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's open. We'll take whoever you got."? Do we have to
specify "The wretched refuse?"
Peter: You mean like us…a couple of pigeons and a street cleaner?
Statue: Hey, sometimes you’re the pigeon and sometimes you’re the statue…
Paul: Well why not just say, "Give us the unhappy, the slow, the people that can't Twitter, people that have trouble
merging, if they can't stay in their seat, if they don't turn their phones off during theatrical performances, if they
can't parallel park, if they don’t sneeze into their elbow, if they have bad cursive, if they don't return calls, if they
have food between their teeth,
Peter: That’d be you Paul
Paul: (gives Peter a look and continues) if they forget their library books, if they don’t laugh at Playmaker’s Jokes (if
they are from Field School)… In other words, anyone that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them
over. We want them."
Mary: And what do we do once we get them?
P&P: (look at each other, shrug, fly up to the statue) Wing it!
“America” from West Side Story or “America” by Neil Diamond or whatever the music committee chooses…
Immigrants coming down both aisles carrying country flags cross on stage and go off opposite wing singing. Between stanzas of the
songs immigrants speak.
(Theme – Political Oppression/Dictatorship song lyrics we came up with at meeting: no kings and queens, no
guillotine, cheap gasoline, no need to show your green card)
Pere: I came to America to escape political oppression and dictatorship. No one tells me what to do. (Sheepishly) Is
that ok with you, cherie?
(Theme: Freedom of Speech)
TBD1: I came to America for freedom of speech and I like that it’s ok for me to criticize America with my freedom of
speech. That’s what freedom of speech is all about!
(Theme: Education. Song lyrics that came from meeting: chances to learn, going to school, sharpen our brains,
learning is cool, we make the rules)
TBD 2: I came to America to learn my tree arse (Three R’s)
TBD3: Whadda ya mean tree arse?
TBD2: Reading, Righting and Rithmatic.
TBD3: Are you going to learn how to speak too?
(Theme: Religious Freedom. Song lyrics that came from meeting: no one can say we can’t pray)
TBD 4: I came here for religious freedom. I came here so that I could worship…
TBD 5: OMG!
TBD 4:…in the way I wanted to worship.
TBD 5: That man is a GOD!
(Theme: Freedom of Religion. Song lyrics that came from meeting: plenty of jobs)
TBD6: I came to America to work in the auto industry…would you like fries with that?
TBD7: You must be a former GM employee…
(Theme: Food. Song lyrics that came from meeting: plenty to eat, eat like a pig, waistlines are wider)
Padre: I came here for the 24-hour all you can eat NEW Country Buffet.
Madre: Oh thank heaven for 7-11
Figlia: Da Da Da Da Da…I’m Lovin’ It!
Peter: Bun Seed Sesame A On Onions Pickles Cheese Lettuce Sauce Special Patties Beef All Two
(Theme: Housing. Song lyrics that came from meeting: houses are big)
TBD8: I came to America to own a home…some day, somewhere, somehow! I’ll have a lot to choose from as soon as
my credit score hits 10,000. Does anyone know a good real estate agent with some free time? What’s your
Song Stanza/Song ends
Act 1 Scene 1
On the dock. Ellis Island. Families enter Donkeys on Left wearing blue with white stars shirts and Elephants on Right wearing
red with white stripes shirts. Pigeons on perch are flip-floppers. They wear double billed baseball caps – one side red, one side
blue. French and Italian families enter, suitcases in hand fresh off the boat looking tired, lost and confused.
Peter: I didn’t know people came to America for all those reasons.
Paul: And I didn’t know those Playmaker’s could sing so well.
Mary: Well then you should clean the crud (Field School songs) out of your ears?
Peter: Hey, look over there! Here we go again.
Donkey walks toward newcomers.
Paul: Uh Oh (points) the donkey’s gonna try to pull an Elephant out of his…
Don: HEE HAW (shaking hands with everyone on the dock)
Mary: He’s been hoofing it all week. Every boat that comes in he’s been recruiting votes for school board president
Don: HEE HAW…(walking center stage) wish I had a million bucks! Hello New Americans. Gather around. (Italians
and French look around to see who he’s talking to). Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Donald Corneilius Nestor
Krackazinskey but my friends, and that includes you, call me Don Key for short! I’m running for School Board President
(statue leans left). And I’m gonna tell you what I stand for and why you should vote for me. First of ALL…..
Eli: (interjects and immigrants look right) First of ALL there’s too many of YOUR kind on the school board
already(statue leans right)!
Don: (ignoring) Ya know what (immigrants look left), before I talk about my platform, let me introduce you to my
family. THIS is my lovely wife Donna.
Donna: (like Eyore) Oh hi. Don wants to run for the school board. I guess I’ll have to put signs in the lawn again. There
goes my bunko night cause now I’ll have to drive little Donny to soccer (sigh). More miles on the Odyssey. You should
support him hee haw…(everyone starts to fall asleep, sit down, look at their watch)
Madre: Bunko? (looking through her translation book) Is that where they sleep in America?
Don: (overly enthusiastic) Thanks hon! And this is my, I mean our (puts arm around Donna) son, little Donny – he’s a
chip off the old… HEE HAW
Donny: Don’t be a Fool. Stay in school, then you’ll be cool and you can vote my Daddy, he’s a Big Jack, Uhhh…I mean
Mule. So don’t be cruel while you sit on your stools…
Don: (interrupting) OK good rhyming you little Jack…uhhh Donny! And this is why we need more schooling (statue leans left)?
Folks, if I’m voted school board president I won’t rest until every school passes the blue rule.
Pere: What’s a blue rule?
Paul: (Elbows Peter) They don’t know what the blue rule is!
Mary: (to Papa) Doncha (don’t ya) know the blue rule? (to pigeons) He doesn’t know the blue rule… (shaking her head)
Peter: Every day that ends in Y is a day kids should be in school!
Don: (play it up to the kids in the first rows) RIGHT KIDS???
Eli: That’s Preposterous (immigrants look right) everyone knows this is a red rule town (statue leans right)!
Don: We’ll let the people decide and they’re gonna vote for change! New Americans (addressing
immigrants) in our house we only watch Nickelodeon. It’s Nick at Nite or NOTHIN’. Why, Donna and I can’t sleep until we
watch our favorite trifecta – The Cosby Show, The Nanny, and Home Improvement…
Joe: Oh boy,TV! When are we going to get our TV?
Donny: (sings) Who lives in a pineapple under the sea…(motions to audience to sing “SpongeBob SquarePants”)
Mere: See a pineapple? Where?
Eli: Wait a minute, wait a minute, NOW JUST HOLD ON HERE!! (Immigrants look right). Before you get on your
BORAX soap box… I want an opportunity to speak on my beHALF to our new arrivals…
Don: (bows condescendingly) Of course, please, be my guest, (lean out to the audience) …his HALF is a lot more
then most WHOLES I might add… (back to Eli) take all the time you need!!!
Eli: Folks, I don’t have a fancy name, I’m just plain Eli Phant. My wife Ellie and my daughter Ella are the
peanuts of my eyes…
Ellie: (Sarah Palin) We want to thank you for coming to America today! We’re thrilled you chose the USA as your destination.
You’re just gonna love it here! I can tell we’re going to be the best of…
Ella: (shy, embarrassed, through gritted teeth) Mother! (Realizes everyone is looking at her) Ummm hi. I’m Ella.
Ellie: Come on honey don’t’ be shy! Hey! I know… Let’s do the E-Phant Family Cheer!
Romy: (Looking at her parents) Family cheer?
Eli: Yes! Let’s!
Phants: Red Rule! Much Less School! Don’t be a mule! Goooooo E Phants! Hooray! (Statue leans right)
Don: Are you through? (Immigrants look left)
Eli: Haven’t even warmed up yet. The first thing I want to do is reply to your Nick at Night reference. We only
watch the Disney Channel. It’s wholesome, all-American, educational TV and HENCE the reason why
we DO NOT need additional school days…(statue leans right).
Ella: You’ve got Hannah Montana’s and The Jonas Brother’s Show
P&P: It’s The Best of Both Worlds!
Ellie: And the Mickey Mouse Club and those darling Mousketeers! Why we wouldn’t have Brittney Spears or Justin
Timberlake if it weren’t for the Mickey Mouse Club!
Padre: I thought Elephants were afraid of mice???
Eli: Disney is a classic (Statue leans right). Disney is the original. That is why we align ourselves with Disney.
Don: Well, speaking of originals... WE only eat at McDonald’s (immigrants look left. Statue leans left). For every
day dining we go to the drive thru but for special occasions
Donny: Like Christmas,
Don: Don’t forget Birthdays and Anniversaries too….. And that’s when WE! EAT! IN!
Donna: Best Scottish food I’ve ever eaten.
Eli: McDonalds??? WE only eat Burger King (statue and immigrants RIGHT) where we can have FLAME
BROILED burgers OUR way!
Ellie: (fanning herself) and that King is” SMOKIN!!!’…
Don: Ha! That’s a lie. Speaking of Whoppers (immigrants look left)! I saw you at the Wendy’s Last week!!
Eli: That wasn’t me (immigrants look right). I mean it was ME but it wasn’t FOR me. It was for a friend of mine
who is temporarily residing at the PR Animal Hospital, He wanted a Frosty…
Peter They take Elephants There???
Don: Uh huh (immigrants look left). Sure it was. Ok, anyway…back to me. Now that you’re in America you’ll have
the opportunity to vacation at some of the most beautiful places on earth. Donna and I here met, married and
honeymooned at the cozy ambience of Timber Ridge Lodge & Waterpark at the Grand Geneva (statue leans left)
Peter: featuring spacious suites with kitchenettes, whirlpool tubs, private, bedrooms, fireplaces — and a year-round waterpark.
Rooms and packages starting at $199…
Joe: We just spent three months on a boat. I don’t want to go to a park on the water…
Eli: Are you kidding me (immigrants look right)? Timber Ridge. HA! The Wilderness Hotel and Golf
Resort (statue leans right) is America’s Largest Waterpark Resort.
Paul: The Wilderness excites guests with loads of slides, thrills, lazy rivers
Mere: (hitting her husband in the arm) Cherie, even the rivers here are lazy. Perfect!
Paul: two huge wavepools,
All Immigrants look confused and wave
Paul: and featuring the Lost World with Halley’s Comet Racers.
All immigrants look up to the sky
Peter: (interrupts Paul from continuing) Ok, now that we’ve thoroughly confused them…
Mary: Well I guess the voters will decide. The choices are clear – More school, Nickelodeon, McDonalds and Timber Ridge or
Less school Disney Channel, Burger King and The Wilderness. It’s a dog eat dog world out there…
Paul: It’s amazing anyone stays in this pigeon-holed country!
Act 1, Scene 2
(Both immigrant families on stage-lighting focuses on family speaking, family not speaking in dark)
Light on Italian Family
Romy Papa, are we still Italian, or are we American now?
Statue You know, I think I have some Italian blood in me…
Dad We’re Italian American.
Mary From the looks of it you have NO blood in you
Romy Does that mean we can’t eat spumoni anymore?
Mom Of course we can eat spumoni, and we can eat cookie dough too. But stay away from Chef Boy-
Ar-Dee – that’s not real Italian food!
Paul You’re rather green (looks to Peter) wouldn’t you say?
Romy How about Franco American?
Dad No, no, no. That’s not food – he was a running back for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Light on French Family
Joe Mama’, are we French, or are we American now?
Mom We are French American.
Statue Hey! I’m French American. I was born in France and I’ve been standing in this puddle here in America for a hundred and
twenty three years now.
Joe Does that mean I can still wear my beret?
Peter 123? No kiddin? No wonder you’re so green. You should lay down. Take a load off. Get some rest…
Dad Of course you can wear your beret. And you can wear a new baseball cap, too. But remember
never eat French’s mustard. It is not real mustard. And it’s certainly not…… Grey Poupon.
Mom And when you grow up and are old enough to have wine and cheese parties – never drink your
wine out of a box, or whiz your cheese out of a can.
Statue Knucklehead. But back to my Italian blood. Look it’s simple. If the French hadn’t gotten their feet wet defeating the
Italians so many times then they wouldn’t have had a strong enough military to help the American’s defeat the British in 1776. If the
French hadn’t helped the Americans win the revolutionary war then this would be a British Colony. The French and the British don’t
give each other gifts so the only reason I’m here is because the Americans won the war and became America
Mary: Lady, where are you going with this?
Statue: Hold on. I’ll get there
Paul: But we don’t have another 123 years
Peter: We don’t have another 123 minutes…
Statue: Have you ever heard “to the victor belong the spoils”?
Mary: That the story of their digestive tracks (points to Peter and Paul)
Peter: What does that mean?
Mary: It means the winner gets all the booty.
Statue: Loot, goods, best of the best. Don’t you see? Sculpting is an Italian art form. The French are painters. Bertholdi sculpted
me. Bertholdi ends in an i. French names don’t end vowels. I was sculpted by an Italian.
Mary: You’ve had a lot of time to think about this, huh?
Statue: Yeah. Kinda
Paul: Well if you’re Italian then we must be Colombo (“Colombo” is Italian for pigeon or dove)
Peter: You can be Colombo. I wanna be Rambo!
Light on Italian Family
Madre (to Dad) Honey, why don’t we talk about what we heard yesterday at Ellis Island? That
Eli-Phant really seemed to connect with me. His speech seemed really HEAVY. Especially the
part about the ‘magic kingdom’.
Peter: (sings) He ain’t heavy…
Padre Yeah, and I kinda like this Burger King guy. He’s the king of the castle…….just like me, right,
Mary: THAT’S a Whopper!
Madre yeah, yeah, yeah, you always have it your way.
Romy Yeah, Dad, you’re the king – but I just like that school thing.
Madre Mama Mia! The next thing you know you’ll want to watch TV all day.
Romy Not all day, mama - Just some of the day. Like I’ve been watching Nickelodeon like you and Papa said,
but their shows are just no match for Disney.
Light on French Family
Pere Now my darlings, I think we should forget about the mustard and the cheese and the wine, and
start to discuss who we liked better in yesterday’s speeches at Ellis Island. I really got a kick out
of that Don-Key (Statue Leans Left)
Mary: He’s stubborn as a mule that one!
Mere I love the driving-through part. Sometimes with two lanes!
Joe I like it too – especially that Nuu-gett food. And I will learn how to spell it correctly when I go to
school seven days a week.
Peter: Better chicken nugget than pigeon nugget!
Mere Ahhh, mon cher. I cannot wait to – how do you say…. Car-poooool.
Joe Even though I love the nuu-gett, they do not fill me up like a Whopper does-OOOOPS!
Both Italian and French Families in spotlight
Dads (both) Hey kid – when you live under my roof – you follow my rules!!!!
Madre & Padre We declare! We’re with Mr. Eli-Phant – we are going to be a Red Familia!!
Mere & Pere We declare! We’re with Mr. Don-Key – we are going to be a Blue Famille!!
Kids from both families’ huff and puff, storming off of the stage
Peter: (shaking dice) 10 to 1 odds says the kids are gonna shake up their parents world view
Paul and create a color of their own!
Statue: I’ve got 10 (holds up two fists) that says your both wrong.
Mary Isn’t it time to sing a song already?
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Act 1 Scene 3
Kids in a huff return to Ellis Island where they meet up on a bench each wearing their family shirt. Romy has a McDonald’s bag and
Joe has a Burger King bag. In background Elephants and Donkeys greeting new immigrants (silently). Pigeons fly over to kids on
bench and coo annoyingly.
Romy We don’t have pigeons where I come from
Mary That’s because they eat pigeons where you come from
P&P Coo coo coo
Joe Yeah, us too. They taste great…Pigeon cordon bleu…my favorite!
P&P coo coo coo
Romy Where are you from?
Joe France. You?
Romy Italy. Didn’t I see you on the docks yesterday?
Joe Yeah. I was there. I arrived with my PARENTS
Romy Parents! Huh I know all about it.
Joe Hey are your parents all wrapped up in this blue red thing?
Romy Yeah. Can you believe it? My parents like the red like Italian marinara sauce. They, how you say (looks in phrase book)
“reamed” me for wanting to watch the Disney Channel instead of Nickelodeon
Joe And I just got, how you say, (grabs phrase book and looks) “chewed me out” for wanting to eat a Whopper (eyes Romy’s
burger king bag longingly) instead of Le Big Mac all because my parents like the blue like French bleu cheese.
Romy Boy life can be tough in America for a kid
Joe I know what you mean. At home we had no choices but here we have too many.
Donny and Ella Enter
Donny We couldn’t help but overhear you’re having some parent problems. (points to Ella) Us too.
Ella Yeah. Donny and I have been trying to be friends for years but our parents won’t let us.
Romy Your parents pick your friends for you? That doesn’t sound like freedom.
Joe I thought they only did that in the old countries
Donny They pick our birthdates, our kindermusik classes, our second language, pottery barn nursery theme, our college scholarship
patron and our Crate and Barrel wedding china all before we’re 3!
Romy The only thing they don’t pick is your nose?
All Parents are infuriating! (All laugh)
Joe All four of us should become friends.
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Donny Yeah! A Patriot is someone who loves their country and supports its interests.
Pigeon I’m interested in those burger bags on their laps
Mary (winks and give OK sign)
Donny We’ve always loved our country but we got caught up in the “red tape”
Ella That’s because you talk until you’re “blue” in the face!
Romy What about this “OUR country” you were talking about?
Ella This is quite a kerfuffle.
Donny We’ve got to band together
Joe Band! Like at the parade?
Ella The Parade, that’s perfect. We can show our parents how to become united at the parade. Here’s what we do… (kids huddle)
Act 1 Scene IV
All families arrive at parade route – Song
James Cagney/Yankee Doodle Dandy – Grand Marshall – introduces floats, sings, dances…etc.
Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines, Coast Guard represented – use their signature songs
Elephants, Donkeys, Italian’s and French stand in grand stand – risers.
Grand Marshall starts the parade. Each kid finds a different excuse to get away – bathroom, drink, cotton candy, foam crown…
When kids’ float arrives all four sets of parents look confused then start blaming each other and throwing insults (i.e. I certainly didn’t
know your son/daughter was corrupting my son/daughter)
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