The Sequel

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       They were aviators. Gold rimmed and highly reflective, and when you put them

on the whole world turned golden. And you became gilded. Their exact origin remains, to

this day, an enigma. They never belonged to anyone for long, and the reason for that is no

enigma. They were bewitched. What they did isn’t entirely identifiable. They just

changed you. Like the mask in that Jim Carrey movie, The Mask. I’ve never seen it but it

sounds comparable. They changed you, and then they destroyed you. They’re gone now.

They’ve been disposed of, eradicated, exorcized, what have you. But while they reigned,

they came into the hands of many very important people. And some not so important

people. Believe it or not, those sunglasses have played a vital role in history, and anyone

who has previously attempted to document and expose their strange powers has been

promptly exterminated by some inhuman force. But I’m willing to take that risk, because

what I have seen cannot be unseen and must be recorded to prevent future, similar

phenomena from getting so out of hand.

Not the prologue anymore:

       It was a dark and stormy night. Just kidding, it was daytime and sunny because it

is almost always sunny in Queensland, Australia. That is why it earned the nickname

“The Sunshine State”. Also because it copied Florida. That particular day, in Queensland,

Australia, famous AFL (that is, Australian Football League, not American Federation of

Labor) player Will Williams was walking his wombat. Wombats are marsupials, an

infraclass of mammals that carry their babies in pouches and are widely associated with

Australia. Will allowed Will Jr., which is what he had cleverly named his wombat, to
stop and sniff some fire hydrants for a good five minutes before concluding that it was

much too hot to be outside, and that he had better put on some sunscreen because of the

hole in the Ozone layer. He also was beginning to detest the sun. You see, Will Williams

was not a native of Australia. No, he was from Seattle, Washington. The climate is very

different there, and so are the accents. Everyone on his football team laughed at his

accent. But he didn’t care because Australia was a country populated by convicted felons

anyway. Well, as the sun beat down on poor Will’s blonde head, and as he felt sweat

drip down his broad, football playing shoulders, he saw something shiny out of the corner

of his squinted blue eye. They were lying on the ground, next to a rain gutter. His first

thought was, how funny that they have rain gutters in a place that never seems to rain.

His second thought was, “Neato! Sunglasses!” He had never owned a pair. He picked

them up and polished them off gently with the tail of his shirt. In doing so he dropped the

leash on which he was dragging around Will Jr.. Will Jr. swiftly ran off into the horizon.

“Good riddance”, thought Will Williams. He was a bad tempered wombat anyway. Will

Williams then proceeded to don the sunglasses. He was taken aback by how different the

world looked. It was marvelous. Queensland, Australia, finally seemed like a pleasant

place to live. He looked up – the sky looked wider. He looked at the trees – they looked

leafier. He looked at his feet. They were still abnormally small. He decided to return

home, so utterly content with the way things looked when he put on those sunglasses. But

little did he know the trouble they were to cause; the misfortune they were to bring him.
       Will Williams was able to find his way home without any need to stop and ask for

directions. This was a first for him, despite having moved to his home in Australia about

3 years ago. He credited the sunglasses for this triumph. He opened the door to his

bachelor pad, made his way through his bachelor hallway, opened up his bachelor fridge

and grabbed a Natty. He shotgunned the beer, savoring the taste of water and cheap, and

when he was done he crushed the can on his forehead, NATURALLY. He then passed

out on his bachelor couch.

       An hour later, Will awoke to the sound of a baby laughing. He struggled to open

his eyes but when he finally did he saw, in front of him, a laughing baby. He was

relatively certain that baby had not been there an hour ago. He sat up and stared at it. It

looked like a baby. He then heard a woman’s voice coming from somewhere behind him.

“Oh good you’re awake finally look I need you to watch John while I go out for a while I

haven’t had a day to myself in ages and the babysitter we used to have died or something

so you’ll be alright I’ve brought over everything you might need and I put some casserole

in your fridge I cleaned up a bit too so you can feel free to thank me for that.” The voice,

which had begun to sound like a jackhammer, or a fly, or nails on a chalkboard, or any

other simile for a really annoying sound, finally shut up. Will groaned and put his head in

his hands, but that caused the sunglasses (which he was still wearing) to slip off his face a

bit, so he righted himself. “Who’s that talking?” He asked, but as he did he realized he

didn’t particularly care to hear an answer to that question, or any other question he

could’ve asked. He didn’t really care about anything. “Don’t be retarded,” said the

jackhammer. “It’s your sister, Jane.” He wasn’t aware that he had a sister. All he knew
was that he was suddenly much too cool to be having a conversation with anyone. He

realized he did not have to answer to his supposed sister, or anyone else for that matter. “I

will not watch this baby,” Will said defiantly. He reached for his cell phone to call a

babysitter. Luckily, he knew the number of a babysitter. It was on his speed-dial. You

might be thinking, “But isn’t Will Williams a bachelor? What on earth could he need the

number of a babysitter for?” Well it is a long story but one that is worth explaining.

When Will Williams first became a player for the AFL (Australian Football League), he

was subject to some hazing, as they call it in college fraternities. One day it got so bad

that Will Williams broke down in tears – an occurrence not uncommon for him, as he

was very in touch with his emotions. The rest of the team, however, found this

delightfully amusing and for the next week called him “baby”. One afternoon, about a

week after the crying incident, there was a knock at Will’s door. When he opened it, a

young woman stood there in his doorway and announced that she was the babysitter he

had called for. He was thoroughly confused and informed her that he was a BACHELOR

– he gestured to his bachelor pad as proof – who had no need for a babysitter, and sent

her away. But not before getting her number – she was pretty hot. Anyway, the clever

joke was lost on Will Williams because he was, as you may have already guessed, very

dull. He considered himself pretty lucky to have gotten the number of such a cute girl, but

if he’d understood why she had come in the first place and who had sent her it may have

sparked another crying jag. But it would have required a long explanation that would

have unquestionably ruined the joke because that is how the world works. Anyway, the

phone rang twice and the babysitter – Will realized he did not know her name, as she was

stored in his phone as “Babbysitter” (he could not spell very well) – picked up. He said
curtly into the phone, “I require your services.” She laughed, agreed, and told him to

write down an address which he was to drive to. He agreed to those terms and conditions,

and then hung up his phone. He grabbed the baby and the bags with which it came and

packed them into his car (a yellow Hummer). But Will Williams had made a terrible

mistake, something he was prone to doing. He and his sunglasses were about to bring

misery and calamity to not only himself, but this poor innocent baby as well.

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