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Its all a bunch of words_ right.rtf


									                                     Mind Nuggets

Brian Montgomery

Copyright 2011
Brian Montgomery

Published by Brian Montgomery at Smashwords

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold
or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person,
please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and
did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work
of this author.
First of all, forgive me for I know not what I do. I mean, I know not “exactly” what I
do…for sure. I think what I’m doing is jotting down random articles from my brain,
arranging them haphazardly, uploading them on the internet (whatever the hell that really
is), and praying to my various gods that someone like you might feel compelled to read
them. The problem (oh yeah, there is a problem here!) is that, the
words/stories/poems/statements herein come from different moments in my life. As I
stated earlier, these “things” were haphazardly ordered and I refuse to attempt to put them
in any kind of cohesive order. That means my “moments” could theoretically fall beside
each other in a dangerous way. There is the distinct possibility that my words could
accidentally create a vortex that could engulf the reader. Just because it’s never
happened doesn’t mean that it never will! Some of the things in my head could be
extremely dangerous when combined with other things in my head. I purposely keep
those things at a safe distance from one another. But now…haphazard.

IItt's alll a bunch off worrds,, rriightt? Thoughtts tthatt ttrriicklle down and end up ffallliing ffrrom tthe
     's a a bunch o wo ds gh ? Though s ha ck e down and end up a ng om he
ttiips off my ffiingerrs ontto pllasttiic keys.. Voiilla!! Frrom my head,, tto my hands,, tto....tthe cosmos,,
     ps o my nge s on o p as c keys Vo a F om my head o my hands o he cosmos
tto yourr ellecttrroniic rreadiing deviice,, tto yourr eyes,, and iintto yourr head.. IIs tthiis llegall?
   o you e ec on c ead ng dev ce o you eyes and n o you head s h s ega ?

Thank you fforr yourr purrchase.. Waiitt,, tthiis book iis ffrree!! You’’rre on yourr own ffrrom tthiis
Thank you o you pu chase Wa h s book s ee You e on you own om h s
poiintt fforrwarrd..
po n o wa d
                                     A League off Theiirr Own
                                     A League o The Own

“Grround rrulles mustt be sett.. Thiis iis crrap wiitthoutt grround rrulles..”
“G ound u es mus be se Th s s c ap w hou g ound u es ”

“Liike whatt? Don’’tt expectt me tto giive you concessiions wiitthoutt you llookiing tto yourrsellff
“L ke wha ? Don expec me o g ve you concess ons w hou you ook ng o you se
and underrsttandiing tthatt you have yourr parrtt iin tthiis exchange..”
and unde s and ng ha you have you pa n h s exchange ”

“C’’mon man,, you know alll,, see allll,, you know whatt’’s gonna happen att tthe end off tthiis deall
“C mon man you know a see a you know wha s gonna happen a he end o h s dea
and tthatt sucks.. Whatt tthe helll am II herre fforr iiff you allrready know my choiices? Why nott jjustt
and ha sucks Wha he he am he e o you a eady know my cho ces? Why no us
giive me whatt you know II’’m gonna gett anyway? Whatt’’s tthe ffun? Wherre’’s tthe challlenge?”
g ve me wha you know m gonna ge anyway? Wha s he un? Whe e s he cha enge?”

“Whatt do you prropose,, my horrned ffrriiend?”
“Wha do you p opose my ho ned end?”

“See,, iitt’’s shiitt lliike tthatt tthatt makes me hatte you even morre.. They hatte you ttoo fforr tthatt
 “See s sh ke ha ha makes me ha e you even mo e They ha e you oo o ha
smug crrap,, man.. Knock iitt offff!! Justt tturrn offff tthe allll--knowiing,, conttrrollliing desttiiny shiitt.. Lett
 smug c ap man Knock o Jus u n o he a know ng con o ng des ny sh Le
tthe chiips ffalll wherre tthey may.. IIff you ttrrully arre bettterr tthan me,, ttake me on sttrraiightt up..”
  he ch ps a whe e hey may you u y a e be e han me ake me on s a gh up ”

“IItt’’s nott a swiittch tthatt tturrns on orr offff butt II wiilll apprroach tthiis wiitthoutt ttuniing iin tto tthe
“ s no a sw ch ha u ns on o o bu w app oach h s w hou un ng n o he
knowlledge.. II wiillll putt tthe knowlledge away fforr now..”
know edge w pu he know edge away o now ”

“Good.. Now,, who getts ffiirrstt piick?”
“Good Now who ge s s p ck?”

“IIff iitt’’s good enough fforr tthem,, iitt’’s good enough fforr us.. Lett’’s fflliip a coiin..”
“           s good enough o hem s good enough o us Le s p a co n ”

“The coiins alll say ‘‘IIn God We Trrustt..’’ II’’m nott fflliippiing a coiin.. You’’ve gott a lleg up on
 “The co ns a say n God We T us                   m no pp ng a co n You ve go a eg up on
  ha ”

‘‘Then whatt?”
  Then wha ?”

“Rock,, paperr,, sciissorrs.. One ttiime,, nott bestt outt off tthrree..”
“Rock pape sc sso s One me no bes ou o h ee ”

“Whatt aboutt dynamiitte?”
“Wha abou dynam e?”

“Whatt tthe helll iis dynamiitte?”
“Wha he he s dynam e?”

“One ffiingerr,, iindex ffiingerr,, iis dynamiitte.. IItt bllows up tthe rrock and desttrroys tthe paperr butt tthe
 “One nge ndex nge s dynam e b ows up he ock and des oys he pape bu he
ffuse can be cutt by sciissorrs..”
  use can be cu by sc sso s ”

“No dynamiitte!! Rock,, paperr,, sciissorrs onlly!! Deall?”
“No dynam e Rock pape sc sso s on y Dea ?”

“Okay.. One.. Two,, Thrree.. II wiin,, paperr coverrs rrock..”
“Okay One Two Th ee w n pape cove s ock ”

“Diid you cheatt? You knew tthatt II’’d tthrrow rrock.. II can’’tt ttrrustt you,, you know everrytthiing..”
“D d you chea ? You knew ha d h ow ock can us you you know eve y h ng ”
“II saiid II woulldn’’tt use tthe knowlledge.. You have tto ttrrustt me.. Have ffaiitth tthatt II’’m ttelllliing
 “ sa d wou dn use he know edge You have o us me Have a h ha m e ng
tthe ttrrutth..”
  he u h ”

“Scrrew ffaiitth..”
“Sc ew a h ”

“See,, tthatt’’s tthe kiind off attttiittude tthatt gott you castt down iin tthe ffiirrstt pllace.. II may be a llott off
 “See ha s he k nd o a ude ha go you cas down n he s p ace may be a o o
tthiings butt II am nott diishonestt.. Liive wiitth tthe lloss..”
  h ngs bu am no d shones L ve w h he oss ”

“Okay,, go ahead.. Whatt do you wantt?”
“Okay go ahead Wha do you wan ?”

“Biirrds and ffllowerrs..”
“B ds and owe s ”

“Thatt’’s ttwo tthiings!!”
“Tha s wo h ngs ”

“II llook att tthem as one symbiiottiic enttiitty..”
“ ook a hem as one symb o c en y ”

“Okay,, tthen II gett ttwo tthiings..”
“Okay hen ge wo h ngs ”

“Piickiing ttwo att a ttiime woulld make tthiings go quiicklly.. Piick away..”
“P ck ng wo a a me wou d make h ngs go qu ck y P ck away ”

“Humans and tthe Earrtth..”
“Humans and he Ea h ”

“Okay,, butt tthe barre pllanett onlly.. No pllantts,, aniimalls,, oceans,, orr lliiviing tthiings off any kiind..
“Okay bu he ba e p ane on y No p an s an ma s oceans o v ng h ngs o any k nd
Notthiing tthatt lliives,, has lliived,, orr susttaiins lliiffe.. Barrrren pllanett..”
No h ng ha ves has ved o sus a ns e Ba en p ane ”

“Cooll.. II gett tthe humans outtrriightt tthough,, yeah?”
“Coo ge he humans ou gh hough yeah?”

“Take tthem ffaiirr and squarre..”
“Take hem a and squa e ”

“II tthoughtt tthatt you saiid tthey werre speciiall above alll ottherr lliiviing tthiings and tthatt tthey werre
“ hough ha you sa d hey we e spec a above a o he v ng h ngs and ha hey we e
made iin yourr iimage and alll tthatt crrap..”
made n you mage and a ha c ap ”

“They saiid tthatt,, nott me.. They arre arrrrogantt and ttheiirr brraiins brroughtt tthem tto wherre we arre
“They sa d ha no me They a e a ogan and he b a ns b ough hem o whe e we a e
now.. Take tthem..”
now Take hem ”

“Yourr tturrn..”
“You u n ”

”Aiirr and watterr..”
”A and wa e ”

“Thatt’’s nott bad.. II’’llll ttake ffiirre and aniimalls..”
“Tha s no bad                   ake e and an ma s ”

“No,, aniimalls have tto be brroken down iintto ffamiilliies..”
“No an ma s have o be b oken down n o am es ”

“Okay ffiirre and horrses..”
“Okay e and ho ses ”

“II’’llll ttake Tiigerrs and Dollphiins..”
“           ake T ge s and Do ph ns ”
“Tiigerrs and Dollphiins? Whatt a sttupiid choiice.. II wantt Monkeys and Liions..”
“T ge s and Do ph ns? Wha a s up d cho ce wan Monkeys and L ons ”

“Sun and tthe Moon..”
“Sun and he Moon ”

“II diidn’’tt know tthatt tthey werre parrtt off tthe deall..”
“ d dn know ha hey we e pa o he dea ”

“We saiid tthe Earrtth and allll off iitts componentts iin tthe begiinniing orr ourr negottiiattiion.. They
“We sa d he Ea h and a o s componen s n he beg nn ng o ou nego a on They
make tthe Earrtth whatt iitt iis.. Therre woulld be no Earrtth wiitthoutt tthem..”
make he Ea h wha               s The e wou d be no Ea h w hou hem ”

“Whatt aboutt Marrs orr Pllutto..”
“Wha abou Ma s o P u o ”

“They have no bearriing on tthe Earrtth..”
“They have no bea ng on he Ea h ”

“Okay Ellephantts and Rhiinos..”
“Okay E ephan s and Rh nos ”

“Good choiice.. II’’llll ttake Dogs and Catts..”
“Good cho ce               ake Dogs and Ca s ”

“Shiitt!!.. Okay,, Wollves and Leoparrds..”
“Sh Okay Wo ves and Leopa ds ”

“Lett’’s cutt tto tthe chase.. Thiis wiillll ttake fforreverr and II’’m iin a hurrrry tto llay wastte.. How aboutt
 “Le s cu o he chase Th s w ake o eve and m n a hu y o ay was e How abou
iiff II ttake everrytthiing ellse ffrrom A tto M and you gett everrytthiing ffrrom N tto Z?”
          ake eve y h ng e se om A o M and you ge eve y h ng om N o Z?”

“Wha k nd o scam s ha ? ’ ake he A o M you ake he N o Z?”
“Whatt kiind off scam iis tthatt? II’llll ttake tthe A tto M,, you ttake tthe N tto Z?”

“Fiine.. Done deall..”
“F ne Done dea ”

“No waiitt,, II lliike Zebrras and II wantt tthem.. II wantt tthe N tto Z lliistt back..”
“No wa              ke Zeb as and wan hem wan he N o Z s back ”

“II lliike Zebrras ttoo and II don’’tt wantt tto giive tthem up..”
“ ke Zeb as oo and don wan o g ve hem up ”

“We can worrk tthiis outt somehow,, rriightt?”
“We can wo k h s ou somehow gh ?”

“”II’’llll ttake tthe A tto M lliistt back and you gett Zebrras butt II wantt tthe S’’s.. You can ttake a
 “”          ake he A o M s back and you ge Zeb as bu wan he S s You can ake a
llettterr ffrrom my A tto M lliistt..”
  e e om my A o M s ”

“Thiis sounds shiifftty.. Whatt giives?”
“Th s sounds sh y Wha g ves?”

“Because you arre tthe llorrd off lliies,, you expectt everryone tto be a cheatt.. Piick tthe llettterr tthatt
“Because you a e he o d o es you expec eve yone o be a chea P ck he e e ha
plleases you mostt ffrrom A tto M..”
p eases you mos om A o M ”

“Okay,, giive me....K.. Kangarroos and Kiinkajjous.. You ttake S..”
“Okay g ve me K Kanga oos and K nka ous You ake S ”

“Second tthoughtts? Ready tto shake on iitt and calll iitt a deall?”
“Second hough s? Ready o shake on and ca                   a dea ?”

“Deall.. One tthiing.. Why diid you piick biirrds and ffllowerrs ffiirrstt? Thatt was kiinda sttupiid..”
“Dea One h ng Why d d you p ck b ds and owe s s ? Tha was k nda s up d ”
“Biirrds and ffllowerrs arre tthe mostt beauttiiffull and iinnocentt tthiings on Earrtth and II coulldn’’tt see
“B ds and owe s a e he mos beau u and nnocen h ngs on Ea h and cou dn see
you putt yourr eviill on tthem..”
you pu you ev on hem ”

“Butt you gave up humans wiitthoutt a ffiightt?”
“Bu you gave up humans w hou a gh ?”

“Nott rreallly.. II ttook S ffrrom you and tthatt iis wherre ttheiirr soulls arre.. You have ttheiirr bodiies,,
 “No ea y ook S om you and ha s whe e he sou s a e You have he bod es
ttheiirr vessells.. II have ttheiirr soulls.. They arre no good tto you wiitthoutt ttheiirr soulls..”
  he vesse s have he sou s They a e no good o you w hou he sou s ”

“Thatt’’s nott ffaiirr!! II have tthem,, II have ttheiirr soulls iinsiide off tthem..”
“Tha s no a                 have hem have he sou s ns de o hem ”

“No.. The human soull iis nott iin tthe human body.. IItt lliives iin tthe spiirriitt,, whiich iis ettherreall,,
“No The human sou s no n he human body                              ves n he sp         wh ch s e he ea
and nott acttuallly parrtt off tthe body.. II have tthe S’’s.. II have sometthiing ellse iimporrttantt tthatt
and no ac ua y pa o he body have he S s have some h ng e se mpo an ha
sttarrtts wiitth S..”
sa sw hS”

“Wha ?”

“Sa an ”

“You can’’tt have me.. Besiides,, II go by ottherr names.. Sattan iis nott my onlly name..”
“You can have me Bes des go by o he names Sa an s no my on y name ”

“You mean lliike Beellzebub orr Apolllyon orr Luciifferr orr Deviill orr Diiabllo orr Fiiend orr
“You mean ke Bee zebub o Apo yon o Luc e o Dev o D ab o o F end o
Mephiisttophelles? Allll can be ffound ffrrom A tto M.. So,, you see,, II have you agaiin my
Meph s ophe es? A can be ound om A o M So you see have you aga n my
Ange ”

“You cheatted me!!”
“You chea ed me ”

“Outtsmarrtted iis a morre apprroprriiatte worrd..”
“Ou sma ed s a mo e app op a e wo d ”

“Now wha ? Now ha you own me do you own eve y h ng ha own? s ha how you
“Now whatt? Now tthatt you own me,, do you own everrytthiing tthatt II own? IIs tthatt how you
pllan tto cheatt me tthe rrestt off tthe way?”
p an o chea me he es o he way?”

“Thatt woulld be ttoo easy and II don’’tt wantt you tto ffeell cheatted..”
“Tha wou d be oo easy and don wan you o ee chea ed ”

“Whatt tthen?”
“Wha hen?”

“Negottiiattiions.. Whatt do you wantt mostt?”
“Nego a ons Wha do you wan mos ?”

“II wantt me back.. II wantt mysellff allong wiitth alll off my names and powerrs..”
“ wan me back wan myse a ong w h a o my names and powe s ”

“Wow,, tthatt’’s tthe diiamond iin my crrown.. II’’d wantt a llott fforr tthatt..”
“Wow ha s he d amond n my c own d wan a o o ha ”

“Wha ?”

“Everrytthiing you have..”
“Eve y h ng you have ”
“Thatt’’s nott ffaiirr..”
“Tha s no a ”

“Thatt’’s busiiness.. How bad do you wantt tto be Luciifferr agaiin?”
“Tha s bus ness How bad do you wan o be Luc e aga n?”

“Lett me keep tthe humans ttoo and iitt’’s a deall..”
“Le me keep he humans oo and s a dea ”

“II have ttheiirr soulls rrememberr? Whatt good arre tthey tto you wiitthoutt soulls tto ttrry tto change?
“ have he sou s emembe ? Wha good a e hey o you w hou sou s o y o change?
Take yourr name and giive up tthe rrestt..”
Take you name and g ve up he es ”

“Then,, iitt’’s back tto tthe way iitt was.. You have everrytthiing and II’’m scrrapiing tto ttrry tto gett
“Then s back o he way was You have eve y h ng and m sc ap ng o y o ge
whatt you’’ve gott.. Thatt’’s nott rriightt..”
wha you ve go Tha s no gh ”

“You wentt iintto negottiiattiions wiitth God,, diid you expectt tto have me iin tthe posiittiion tthatt
“You wen n o nego a ons w h God d d you expec o have me n he pos on ha
you’’rre iin now?”
you e n now?”

“Okay,, giive me mysellff back and one tthiing..”
“Okay g ve me myse back and one h ng ”

“II’’llll giive you yourrsellff and one Zebrra..”
“ g ve you you se and one Zeb a ”

“A sttrrong,, young,, powerrffull stteed Zebrra..”
“A s ong young powe u s eed Zeb a ”

“Done ”

“You know II’’m goiing outt rriightt now tto rredoublle my efffforrtts tto ttake soulls ffrrom yourr
“You know m go ng ou gh now o edoub e my e o s o ake sou s om you
prreciious humans..”
p ec ous humans ”

“You shoulld be keepiing an eye on yourr Zebrra.. II tthiink he’’s fflleeiing fforr hiis lliiffe ffrrom a pack
“You shou d be keep ng an eye on you Zeb a h nk he s ee ng o h s e om a pack
off hungrry Liions as we speak..”
o hung y L ons as we speak ”

“Damn you!!”
“Damn you ”

“Damn me? f on y you cou d ”
“Damn me? IIf onlly you coulld..”
                           Trravells Wiitth tthe Blloofferr Lady Ptt.. 1
                           T ave s W h he B oo e Lady P 1

II satt ttypiing and hummiing Que Serra Serra soffttlly when tthe scentt off Jasmiine wafftted tthrrough
    sa yp ng and humm ng Que Se a Se a so y when he scen o Jasm ne wa ed h ough
my cllosed wiindow.. Long afftterr miidniightt,, tthe sttrreetts werre iinundatted by ffog,, and yett tthe
 my c osed w ndow Long a e m dn gh he s ee s we e nunda ed by og and ye he
sweett ffrragrrance made iitt up tto my rroom.. II llooked outt off my wiindow and saw herr sttandiing
 swee ag ance made up o my oom ooked ou o my w ndow and saw he s and ng
lliike a spectterr beneatth a llamppostt.. The ffog made tthe llamplliightt enciirrclle herr lliike a sofftt
    ke a spec e benea h a amppos The og made he amp gh enc c e he ke a so
spott.. Herr haiirr bllew soffttlly ffrrom herr fface butt herr rred drress and tthe ffog werre unmoved by
 spo He ha b ew so y om he ace bu he ed d ess and he og we e unmoved by
tthiis mystterry brreeze.. II had tthe momenttarry tthoughtt tthatt herr haiirr had a lliiffe off iitts own butt
   h s mys e y b eeze had he momen a y hough ha he ha had a e o s own bu
tthatt was rriidiicullous wasn’’tt iitt? She seemed tto be llookiing att me butt tthatt was as iimpossiiblle
   ha was d cu ous wasn ? She seemed o be ook ng a me bu ha was as mposs b e
as herr lliiviing haiirr.. The diisttance was ttoo grreatt and my rroom was darrk ((save fforr tthe dulll
 as he v ng ha The d s ance was oo g ea and my oom was da k save o he du
bllue hue off tthe computterr moniittorr)).. Sttiilll tthough,, herr head appearred cocked slliighttlly iin my
 b ue hue o he compu e mon o S                            hough he head appea ed cocked s gh y n my
generrall diirrecttiion.. II tturrned offff tthe moniittorr tto assurre compllette darrkness and lleaned ontto
 gene a d ec on u ned o he mon o o assu e comp e e da kness and eaned on o
my wiindowsiilll tto wattch tthiis viisiion.. Herr bosom grrew suddenlly as she iinhalled a huge
 my w ndows o wa ch h s v s on He bosom g ew sudden y as she nha ed a huge
vollume off aiirr.. Herr eyes cllosed and she bllew a kiiss tto me.. II tthoughtt tthatt’’s whatt was
 vo ume o a He eyes c osed and she b ew a k ss o me hough ha s wha was
happeniing butt surrelly she was merrelly ttrryiing tto cattch herr brreatth iin tthiis bedeviilliing miistt..
 happen ng bu su e y she was me e y y ng o ca ch he b ea h n h s bedev ng m s
Thatt was my tthoughtt unttiill tthe kiiss rrattttlled tthe gllass off my wiindow and tthe Jasmiine grrew
 Tha was my hough un he k ss a ed he g ass o my w ndow and he Jasm ne g ew
sttrrong and a warrm wiind skiitttterred overr my naked arrms causiing tthe haiirrs ttherre tto sttand on
 s ong and a wa m w nd sk e ed ove my naked a ms caus ng he ha s he e o s and on
end.. Therre was sometthiing ellse ttherre ttoo miinglled wiitth tthe Jasmiine.. Sometthiing heaviierr..
 end The e was some h ng e se he e oo m ng ed w h he Jasm ne Some h ng heav e
Sometthiing darrkerr.. She sllowlly lliifftted botth arrms att herr siides and helld tthem outt as iiff she
 Some h ng da ke She s ow y ed bo h a ms a he s des and he d hem ou as she
werre beiing crruciiffiied iin tthe vaporr.. She smiilled,, tthen carreffullly ttiilltted herr head ontto herr llefftt
 we e be ng c uc ed n he vapo She sm ed hen ca e u y ed he head on o he e
shoullderr and crrossed herr llegs att tthe anklles.. Thiis mystterry sttood on tthe sttrreett bellow my
 shou de and c ossed he egs a he ank es Th s mys e y s ood on he s ee be ow my
wiindow iin tthe dense ffog and iimperrsonatted a Chrriistt batthed iin Jasmiine.. Herr eyes now
 w ndow n he dense og and mpe sona ed a Ch s ba hed n Jasm ne He eyes now
    ound m ne and ocked on hem t was hen ha ea zed ha he pos on n wh ch she
ffound miine and llocked on tthem.. IIt was tthen tthatt II rrealliized tthatt tthe posiittiion iin whiich she
sttood was iimpossiiblle.. She allmostt fflloatted.. Arrms outtsttrrettched,, head askew,, ballanced on
 s ood was mposs b e She a mos oa ed A ms ou s e ched head askew ba anced on
tthe ttoe off herr rriightt shoe.. Sllowlly,, herr arrms came tto tthe ffrrontt and botth hands poiintted
   he oe o he gh shoe S ow y he a ms came o he on and bo h hands po n ed
diirrecttlly iintto my quiiett and llonelly rroom.. Herr head rrose ffrrom herr shoullderr.. II was
 d ec y n o my qu e and one y oom He head ose om he shou de was
 mesme zed…

Fiive ffamiilliies outt ttherre iin Amerriica arre grriieviing llosses tthatt tthey wiilll neverr ttrrully rrecoverr
 F ve am es ou he e n Ame ca a e g ev ng osses ha hey w neve u y ecove
ffrrom.. Fiive mottherrs arre crryiing ttearrs tthatt wiilll neverr drry.. Fiive ffattherrs arre llostt.. IIff my son orr
    om F ve mo he s a e c y ng ea s ha w neve d y F ve a he s a e os                                           my son o
daughtterr diied ttoniightt,, II woulld neverr rrecoverr.. II woulld go on butt II woulld mourrn everry day
 daugh e d ed on gh wou d neve ecove wou d go on bu wou d mou n eve y day
fforr tthe rrestt off my lliiffe.. Everry day.. Everry day.. And everry day,, we hearr tthatt same news
   o he es o my e Eve y day Eve y day And eve y day we hea ha same news
sttorry ffolllowed by tthe weattherr rreporrtt.. Thrree solldiierrs ttoday,, eiightt ttomorrrrow,, siix tthe day
 s o y o owed by he wea he epo Th ee so d e s oday e gh omo ow s x he day
afftterr tthatt.. Everry day.. Everry day..
 a e ha Eve y day Eve y day

Today,, II may nott hearr tthe deatth ttolll.. Tomorrrrow II may hearr iitt and nott pay atttenttiion agaiin,,
Today may no hea he dea h o Tomo ow may hea and no pay a en on aga n
as II have been doiing fforr…how llong now?
as have been do ng o …how ong now?

Whatt arre we doiing? Nott tthiis counttrry.. Nott IIrraq.. We as humans? Therre iis neverr a rreason tto
 Wha a e we do ng? No h s coun y No aq We as humans? The e s neve a eason o
ttake a mottherr’’s son ffrrom herr.. Therre iis neverr a rreason tto ttake a ffattherr’’s daughtterr.. IIs iitt oiill?
   ake a mo he s son om he The e s neve a eason o ake a a he s daugh e s o ?
   s powe ? s …wha ? Re g on? Money? Land? Ego? The he o ? have no dea
IIs iitt powerr? IIs iitt…whatt? Relliigiion? Money? Land? Ego? The helll off iitt? II have no iidea
why we arre “overr ttherre” doiing whatteverr tthe helll iitt iis we’’rre doiing.. As a peoplle,, we don’’tt
 why we a e “ove he e” do ng wha eve he he                                    s we e do ng As a peop e we don
know why we’’rre ttherre and we’’ve been ttolld ttherre iis no “exiitt sttrrattegy”.. Peoplle arre dyiing
 know why we e he e and we ve been o d he e s no “ex s a egy” Peop e a e dy ng
daiilly.. The bllood off good men as welll as bad men iis beiing spiillled ontto tthe sand.. The sand
 da y The b ood o good men as we as bad men s be ng sp ed on o he sand The sand
doesn’’tt carre,, iitt jjustt becomes darrk rred and damp.. Young men,, women,, and chiilldrren who
 doesn ca e              us becomes da k ed and damp Young men women and ch d en who
wiillll one day become tthe oiill tthatt we allll covett.. Whatt tthe? Ourr guns arre aiimed att tthose who
 w one day become he o ha we a cove Wha he? Ou guns a e a med a hose who
woulld shoott us.. Theiirr guns arre aiimed att us because we’’ve drrawn down on tthem.. Perrhaps
 wou d shoo us The guns a e a med a us because we ve d awn down on hem Pe haps
iiff we werre tto wallk away,, bulllletts coulld be saved.. You know how expensiive ammuniittiion
     we we e o wa k away bu e s cou d be saved You know how expens ve ammun on
iis.. Lett’’s save a ffew rrounds and tturrn tthe shiips and pllanes arround.. Nah,, tthatt woulld nott be
   s Le s save a ew ounds and u n he sh ps and p anes a ound Nah ha wou d no be
                                                            s be e o ook good han o be good t s be e
good fforr ourr fface.. IItt’’s allll aboutt fface.. IItt iis bettterr tto llook good tthan tto be good.. IIt iis betttterr
 good o ou ace s a abou ace
tto appearr smarrtt and be sttupiid tthan tto admiitt tthatt you diid a sttupiid tthiing.. II don’’tt rreallly
   o appea sma and be s up d han o adm ha you d d a s up d h ng don ea y
miind beiing uglly and admiittttiing my sttupiidiitty on occasiion,, especiiallly when iitt wiilll save alll
 m nd be ng ug y and adm ng my s up d y on occas on espec a y when w save a
tthose bullletts and bombs.. II’’ve hearrd alll tthe polliittiicall crrap rreasons fforr why iitt iis tthatt we do
   hose bu e s and bombs ve hea d a he po ca c ap easons o why s ha we do
whatt we do butt do we rreallly need tto do iitt?
 wha we do bu do we ea y need o do ?

One solldiierr says iitt alll.. IIs he sttiilll alliive? Diid he diie yestterrday? IIs hiis ffamiilly grriieviing
 One so d e says a s he s a ve? D d he d e yes e day? s h s am y g ev ng
fforreverr now? Has he kiillled someone? Wiilll he everr gett overr ttakiing anottherr lliiffe? Wiilll
  o eve now? Has he k ed someone? W he eve ge ove ak ng ano he e? W
                                     Slleep Reparrattiions
                                     S eep Repa a ons

As II wallked allong tthe llovelly beach,, II spiied tthe handsome young man slleepiing peaceffulllly
 As wa ked a ong he ove y beach sp ed he handsome young man s eep ng peace u y
iin tthe hammock.. II llooked att hiim and wonderred,, whatt woulld be tthe diifffferrence iiff ourr
  n he hammock ooked a h m and wonde ed wha wou d be he d e ence ou
posiittiions werre fflliipped? Siimplle.. He woulld llook att me and say,, "Therre's a Bllack guy
 pos ons we e pped? S mp e He wou d ook a me and say "The e's a B ack guy
slleepiing iin a hammock.." He woulld be rriightt.. Even iiff,, when II awoke,, II had a Jamaiican
 s eep ng n a hammock " He wou d be gh Even when awoke had a Jama can
accentt.. Even iiff II werre ffrrom Brraziill,, Haiittii orr Morrocco.. IIn Amerriica,, tthe diisttiincttiion iis
 accen Even              we e om B az Ha o Mo occo n Ame ca he d s nc on s
miiniimall.. Ourr nattiionalliitty iis onlly enfforrced iiff we demand tto be rrecogniized as
 m n ma Ou na ona y s on y en o ced we demand o be ecogn zed as
non--Amerriican Bllacks..
 non Ame can B acks

II conttiinued tto wattch tthe man slleepiing,, ttrryiing tto buiilld up tthe ffallse sense off rraciiall
   con nued o wa ch he man s eep ng y ng o bu d up he a se sense o ac a
iinequalliitty.. IItt tthen occurrrred tto me tthatt perrhaps he ttoo lliived underr tthose same
  nequa y               hen occu ed o me ha pe haps he oo ved unde hose same
ciirrcumsttances.. II llooked att a Whiitte guy iin a hammock and assumed tthatt hiis ancesttorrs
 c cums ances ooked a a Wh e guy n a hammock and assumed ha h s ances o s
owned miine.. Unffaiirr.. Perrhaps he was Frrench orr Canadiian orr even Frrench Canadiian..
 owned m ne Un a Pe haps he was F ench o Canad an o even F ench Canad an
Coulld be Grreek orr IIttalliian.. Gerrman orr Austtrralliian.. Swediish orr Soutth Affrriican.. Slloveniian orr
 Cou d be G eek o a an Ge man o Aus a an Swed sh o Sou h A can S oven an o
Grreenllanderr ((?))..
 G een ande ?

II gott borred wiitth wonderriing whatt rrace he miightt be,, so II sttolle hiis shoes..
   go bo ed w h wonde ng wha ace he m gh be so s o e h s shoes
                                         Liitttlle Giirrll Lostt
                                         L e G Los

IIn tthe nanosecond befforre Melliisande diiscoverred how tto overrrriide tthe systtem,, tthe
  n he nanosecond be o e Me sande d scove ed how o ove de he sys em he
memorriies off herr shorrtt lliiffe ffllashed tthrrough herr miind lliike a fflliipbook.. The dollll tthatt she’’d
 memo es o he sho                   e ashed h ough he m nd ke a pbook The do ha she d
begged fforr fforr montths on end wiitth iitts currlly brrunetttte haiirr and fface so lliike herr own.. IItt was
 begged o o mon hs on end w h s cu y b une e ha and ace so ke he own was
wrrapped iin yelllow ttiissue paperr and housed iin a piink box.. She’’d named herr Sandy,, afftterr
 w apped n ye ow ssue pape and housed n a p nk box She d named he Sandy a e
herrsellff.. Comiing iin second iin Ms.. Daniiell’’s 2nd grrade Spellliing Bee.. Herr Giirrll Scoutt
 he se Com ng n second n Ms Dan e s 2nd g ade Spe ng Bee He G Scou
uniifforrm hangiing iin iitts prrottecttiive pllasttiic coverriing,, waiittiing fforr herr tto wearr iitt everry
 un o m hang ng n s p o ec ve p as c cove ng wa ng o he o wea eve y
weekend att herr meettiings.. Herr parrentts arrguiing att Diisneyworrlld on Chrriisttmas Eve.. Herr
 weekend a he mee ngs He pa en s a gu ng a D sneywo d on Ch s mas Eve He
Unclle Biillly haviing tthem allll overr fforr Thanksgiiviing and tthe pooll parrttiies att hiis Summerr
 Unc e B y hav ng hem a ove o Thanksg v ng and he poo pa es a h s Summe
home iin Pallm Sprriings.. Herr ffiirrstt crrush – Daviid Bllakemorre wiitth tthe beauttiiffull grreen eyes
 home n Pa m Sp ngs He                     s c ush – Dav d B akemo e w h he beau u g een eyes
and deep diimplles when he smiilled.. Danciing wiitth Daviid att tthe ffourrtth grrade
 and deep d mp es when he sm ed Danc ng w h Dav d a he ou h g ade
end--off--tthe--yearr dance.. Herr ffiifftth grrade sttrraiightt “A” rreporrtt carrd.. Balllett llessons tthatt hurrtt
 end o he yea dance He                      h g ade s a gh “A” epo ca d Ba e essons ha hu
herr ffeett and made herr ffeell lliike a prriincess att tthe same ttiime.. Readiing Nancy Drrew
 he ee and made he ee ke a p ncess a he same me Read ng Nancy D ew
mystterriies one afftterr anottherr.. Deciidiing fforr surre tthatt she woulld one day be a ffamous acttrress
 mys e es one a e ano he Dec d ng o su e ha she wou d one day be a amous ac ess
marrrriied tto a ffamous acttorr.. Fllyiing tto Seatttlle wiitth herr mottherr tto viisiitt Auntt Katthy.. The
 ma ed o a amous ac o F y ng o Sea e w h he mo he o v s Aun Ka hy The
masks ffallliing ffrrom tthe panell above herr head on tthe pllane.. Herr mottherr ffrranttiicallly
 masks a ng om he pane above he head on he p ane He mo he an ca y
ffastteniing herr seattbelltt,, tthen squeeziing herr hand verry ttiighttlly.. The powerrffull burrstt off wiind,,
  as en ng he sea be hen squeez ng he hand ve y gh y The powe u bu s o w nd
aiirrlliine iittems ffllyiing down tthe aiislle,, scrreams tthatt werre swalllowed by tthe wiind,, tthe lloud
 a ne ems y ng down he a s e sc eams ha we e swa owed by he w nd he oud
poppiing noiise,, tthen darrkness..
 popp ng no se hen da kness

Brriighttlly lliitt rroom barrelly viisiiblle tthrrough tthe gauze coverriing herr rriightt eye.. Mufffflled voiices,,
 B gh y               oom ba e y v s b e h ough he gauze cove ng he gh eye Mu ed vo ces
beepiing machiines,, and tthe viibrrattiion ffrrom tthose beepiing machiines.. Paiin,, tthe smelll off herr
 beep ng mach nes and he v b a on om hose beep ng mach nes Pa n he sme o he
own burrned ffllesh and haiirr,, someone sttrrokiing herr rriightt shoullderr.. Sllow ffocus rretturrniing tto
 own bu ned esh and ha someone s ok ng he gh shou de S ow ocus e u n ng o
herr rriightt eye and unbelliievablle paiin as herr burrned ffllesh rreawakened.. Herr ffattherr siittttiing by
 he gh eye and unbe evab e pa n as he bu ned esh eawakened He a he s ng by
herr bedsiide,, obviiouslly sedatted and barrelly ablle tto speak.. Drr.. Gurrwiittz llookiing iintto herr eye
 he beds de obv ous y seda ed and ba e y ab e o speak D Gu w z ook ng n o he eye
wiitth a lliightt and smiilliing.. Drr.. Wellls ttelllliing herr tthatt herr mottherr had diied iin tthe crrash and
 w h a gh and sm ng D We s e ng he ha he mo he had d ed n he c ash and
tthatt she was tthe llone surrviivorr.. Drr.. Wellls and Drr.. Gurrwiittz ttellliing herr tthatt she’’d sufffferred
  ha she was he one su v vo D We s and D Gu w z e ng he ha she d su e ed
majjorr physiicall damage butt tthatt tthey werre worrkiing ttogettherr tto rrebuiilld herr and make herr
 ma o phys ca damage bu ha hey we e wo k ng oge he o ebu d he and make he
"betttterr" tthan befforre.. Drr.. Speck drroppiing by ttwiice daiilly tto hellp herr deall wiitth herr
 "be e " han be o e D Speck d opp ng by w ce da y o he p he dea w h he
emottiionall sttatte.. Fattherr Mascelllii viisiittiing weeklly tto giive herr spiirriittuall guiidance.. Drr..’’s
 emo ona s a e Fa he Masce v s ng week y o g ve he sp ua gu dance D s
Welllls and Gurrwiittz expllaiiniing tthe miirraclles off sciience and surrgerry tthatt tthey’’d perrfforrmed
 We s and Gu w z exp a n ng he m ac es o sc ence and su ge y ha hey d pe o med
on herr overr tthe ffiive--week perriiod siince tthe crrash.. Herr brraiin,, rriightt arrm,, rriightt eye,, sttomach,,
 on he ove he ve week pe od s nce he c ash He b a n gh a m gh eye s omach
and skellettall systtem werre undamaged enough tto rremaiin ((tthough ttherre werre a hallff--dozen
 and ske e a sys em we e undamaged enough o ema n hough he e we e a ha dozen
majjorr skellettall rreconsttrructtiions wiitth scrrews and pllattes)).. Ovarriies werre iinttactt butt rremoved
 ma o ske e a econs uc ons w h sc ews and p a es Ova es we e n ac bu emoved
because off ottherr iintterrnall damage tthatt woulld have prreclluded chiilldbiirrtth.. Biio--ellasttiiciine
 because o o he n e na damage ha wou d have p ec uded ch db h B o e as c ne
Exo--skiin compllette wiitth navell,, niipplles,, and ffiingerrprriintts capablle off expandiing up tto eiightt
 Exo sk n comp e e w h nave n pp es and nge p n s capab e o expand ng up o e gh
iinches ((shoulld she grrow)).. Siimu--rrealliisttiic,, dye rrecepttiive haiirrs tthatt can be cutt orr sttylled orr
  nches shou d she g ow S mu ea s c dye ecep ve ha s ha can be cu o s y ed o
rrewoven.. Therrmall heatt rregullattorr tthatt keeps body ttemperratturre att 98..6,, no mattterr whatt tthe
  ewoven The ma hea egu a o ha keeps body empe a u e a 98 6 no ma e wha he
rrellattiive enviirronmenttall ttemperratturre.. Lungs tthatt iinffllatte and deffllatte as needed tto supplly
  e a ve env onmen a empe a u e Lungs ha n a e and de a e as needed o supp y
oxygen tto tthe blloodsttrream,, capablle off rremoviing enough oxygen ffrrom purre watterr tto
 oxygen o he b oods eam capab e o emov ng enough oxygen om pu e wa e o
maiinttaiin lliiffe supporrtt fforr up tto 30 miinuttes.. Serrvomechaniicall hearrtt tthatt pumps bllood onlly
 ma n a n e suppo o up o 30 m nu es Se vomechan ca hea ha pumps b ood on y
as needed.. Bllood iinffused wiitth syntthettiic iimmuniitty converrttiing miicrroorrganiisms,, whiich
 as needed B ood n used w h syn he c mmun y conve ng m c oo gan sms wh ch
conttaiin and elliimiinatte viirruses.. Riightt eye’’s opttiic nerrves allso conttrroll tthe movementt and
 con a n and e m na e v uses R gh eye s op c ne ves a so con o he movemen and
ffocus off tthe arrttiiffiiciiall llefftt eye,, whiich iis capablle off magniiffiicattiion up tto 300x when tthe
   ocus o he a c a e eye wh ch s capab e o magn ca on up o 300x when he
rriightt eye iis cllosed and tthe brraiin llearrns tto conttrroll iitt iindependentt off tthe rriightt eye.. Audiio
    gh eye s c osed and he b a n ea ns o con o                            ndependen o he gh eye Aud o
rrealliizattiion moniittorrs connectted tto herr orriigiinall ttympaniic membrranes.. Brreastt iimpllantts
   ea za on mon o s connec ed o he o g na ympan c memb anes B eas mp an s
avaiillablle afftterr puberrtty.. Systtem harrmoniized by a computterr jjuncttiion tthatt iis attttached tto tthe
 ava ab e a e pube y Sys em ha mon zed by a compu e unc on ha s a ached o he
hearrtt and connectted tto tthe brraiin sttem att tthe base off tthe skulll.. Harrmoniizerr can onlly be
 hea and connec ed o he b a n s em a he base o he sku Ha mon ze can on y be
overrrriidden by tthe brraiin iittsellff.. Alll neurrall sttiimullii ffed tthrrough harrmoniizerr..
 ove dden by he b a n se A neu a s mu ed h ough ha mon ze

Melliisande concenttrratted on tthe harrmoniizerr unttiill she coulld perrffecttlly ttune herr brraiinwaves
 Me sande concen a ed on he ha mon ze un she cou d pe ec y une he b a nwaves
tto tthe iintterrnall hum tthatt she ffelltt att tthe base off herr skulll.. She overrrrode tthe harrmoniizerr and
  o he n e na hum ha she e a he base o he sku She ove ode he ha mon ze and
shutt tthe systtem down.. Functtiions ceased..
 shu he sys em down Func ons ceased
                                              G ev ng

II had a heavy hearrtt fforr allll tthose who perriished iin tthe senselless rrampage att Viirrgiiniia Tech.. II
   had a heavy hea o a hose who pe shed n he sense ess ampage a V g n a Tech
grriieved ttoo fforr tthe poorr miisguiided,, malladjjustted young man who tthoughtt tthatt hiis opttiions
 g eved oo o he poo m sgu ded ma ad us ed young man who hough ha h s op ons
werre lliimiitted ((II can'tt hellp butt tthiink tthatt he was a baby att a brreastt 20 some--odd yearrs ago))..
 we e m ed can' he p bu h nk ha he was a baby a a b eas 20 some odd yea s ago
The chiilldrren off tthiis counttrry have lliimiittlless opttiions butt,, sadlly,, ttoo ffew off tthem rrealliize tthiis..
 The ch d en o h s coun y have m ess op ons bu sad y oo ew o hem ea ze h s
We've ffed tthem ttoo much ttoo much fforr ttoo llong.. We'rre iin an iinconceiivablle posiittiion..
 We've ed hem oo much oo much o oo ong We' e n an nconce vab e pos on
Therre arre psychottiic diisgrrunttlled peoplle wiitth access tto ffiirrearrms and we alll know tthatt..
 The e a e psycho c d sg un ed peop e w h access o ea ms and we a know ha
Why arre we shocked when sometthiing lliike tthiis happens? We shoulld be shocked tthatt we
 Why a e we shocked when some h ng ke h s happens? We shou d be shocked ha we
diidn'tt ttake tthiis young man underr ourr wiings and make hiim ffeell wellcomed and ttrreatted hiis
 d dn' ake h s young man unde ou w ngs and make h m ee we comed and ea ed h s
psychosiis prroperrlly -- and wattched hiim a biitt morre.. We arre showiing tthe VT sttudentts
 psychos s p ope y and wa ched h m a b mo e We a e show ng he VT s uden s
 eno mous compass on now wh ch means ha we a e capab e o eno mous compass on t
enorrmous compassiion now,, whiich means tthatt we arre capablle off enorrmous compassiion.. IIt
needn'tt be used onlly iin ttiime off ttrragedy.. Perrhaps we can prreventt tthe nextt mess by lloviing
 needn' be used on y n me o agedy Pe haps we can p even he nex mess by ov ng
one anottherr a biitt morre -- NOW..
 one ano he a b mo e NOW

Addendum --
II woulld lliike tto change ourr consttiittuttiion a smiidge.. II know whatt you'rre tthiinkiing,, "Ourr
   wou d ke o change ou cons u on a sm dge know wha you' e h nk ng "Ou
consttiittuttiion iis ourr backbone and nott a tthiing tto be ttrriifflled wiitth.." Yeah,, yeah,, II know.. II
 cons u on s ou backbone and no a h ng o be                             ed w h " Yeah yeah know
don'tt wantt tto change tthe rreadiing off tthe consttiittuttiion,, jjustt tthe spellliing iin one iinsttance.. II
 don' wan o change he ead ng o he cons u on us he spe ng n one ns ance
tthiink tthe "rriightt tto bearr arrms" shoulld rread "tthe rriightt tto barre arrms.." Anyone overr tthe llegall
  h nk he " gh o bea a ms" shou d ead " he gh o ba e a ms " Anyone ove he ega
age ((whiich may varry ffrrom sttatte tto sttatte)) shoulld have tthe rriightt tto shave hiis orr herr arrms as
 age wh ch may va y om s a e o s a e shou d have he gh o shave h s o he a ms as
offtten as one wiishes.. Coulldn'tt hurrtt.. Miightt hellp..
 o en as one w shes Cou dn' hu M gh he p

Goodniightt,, my ffelllow Amerriicans..
Goodn gh my e ow Ame cans
                                         Casa de Huesos
                                          Casa de Huesos
The house acrross tthe sttrreett ffrrom me rrecenttlly solld afftterr beiing on tthe marrkett fforr a ffew
 The house ac oss he s ee om me ecen y so d a e be ng on he ma ke o a ew
montths.. The couplle tthatt lliived ttherre prreviiouslly was an odd paiirr.. They werre ffaiirrlly ffrreaky
 mon hs The coup e ha ved he e p ev ous y was an odd pa They we e a y eaky
llookiing and arrgued offtten and lloudlly.. The man allways seemed diirrtty and unkemptt.. Therre
  ook ng and a gued o en and oud y The man a ways seemed d y and unkemp The e
werre pllasttiic bags iin hiis carr tthatt seemed tto be ffiillled wiitth diirrtty llaundrry att alll ttiimes.. The
 we e p as c bags n h s ca ha seemed o be ed w h d y aund y a a mes The
woman llooked lliike 18 miilles off rragged ttwiistted hiighway.. They had an olld ffatt dog tthatt was
 woman ooked ke 18 m es o agged w s ed h ghway They had an o d a dog ha was
tthe epiittome off tthem botth.. He woulld siitt att tthe currb,, sttarre tto ttowarrd tthe sky,, and barrk
  he ep ome o hem bo h He wou d s a he cu b s a e o owa d he sky and ba k
iincessanttlly att…God,, II suppose..
  ncessan y a …God suppose

A Bllack guy boughtt tthe house and prrompttlly ttorre iitt down.. II was happy tthatt tthey werre
 A B ack guy bough he house and p omp y o e down was happy ha hey we e
gone and even happiierr tto have anottherr Bllack guy iin tthe neiighborrhood ffiinalllly.. He began
 gone and even happ e o have ano he B ack guy n he ne ghbo hood na y He began
rrebuiilldiing and II wentt overr tto meett hiim afftterr consttrructtiion began.. Verry cooll..
  ebu d ng and wen ove o mee h m a e cons uc on began Ve y coo

“So,, how llong have you lliived herre?” He asked..
“So how ong have you ved he e?” He asked

“21 yearrs..”
“21 yea s ”

“Wow,, tthatt’’s a llong ttiime.. My wiiffe and II boughtt tthiis pllace as an iinvesttmentt.. We’’rre
 “Wow ha s a ong me My w e and bough h s p ace as an nves men We e
rrebuiilldiing iitt as a rrenttall prroperrtty.. Diid you know tthe peoplle who lliived herre befforre?”
  ebu d ng as a en a p ope y D d you know he peop e who ved he e be o e?”

“II neverr spoke tto tthem butt II saw tthem offtten.. They werre kiinda sttrrange..”
“ neve spoke o hem bu saw hem o en They we e k nda s ange ”

“II bett tthey werre.. They werre hoarrderrs.. When II ffiirrstt llooked att tthe prroperrtty,, tthey werre sttiilll
 “ be hey we e They we e hoa de s When                              s ooked a he p ope y hey we e s
lliiviing herre.. They had shiitt sttacked up tto tthe ceiilliing.. Olld newspaperrs,, piilles off cllotthes,, crrap
    v ng he e They had sh s acked up o he ce ng O d newspape s p es o c o hes c ap
II coulldn’’tt even iidenttiiffy.. Nott onlly tthatt,, tthey lliived wiitth rratts.. II mean,, lliived wiitth rratts.. When
     cou dn even den y No on y ha hey ved w h a s mean ved w h a s When
II came iin,, tthe rratts werren’’tt affrraiid off me and ttherre was rratt shiitt on everrytthiing.. Ratts on tthe
     came n he a s we en a a d o me and he e was a sh on eve y h ng Ra s on he
ffurrniitturre,, rratts everrywherre..”
    u n u e a s eve ywhe e ”

“I can believe that from what I saw of them.”

“When I went out back to redo the plumbing for the sprinkler system, I found a bone in
the dirt, buried about eight inches down.”

“Yeah, they had a pudgy little dog.”

“Naw man, I mean a real bone. You know, a bone.”

“What do you mean a bone? What kind of bone?”

“It looked like a leg bone to me. Like a human leg. I kept digging, then I found another
one with what looked like an ankle attached.”

“I threw that shit away, man. I don’t need that kind of trouble. I don’t need investigators
in here slowing down my construction. I had enough trouble with the city trying to get
permits to rebuild.”

Do I need this kind of information floating around in my head? I think not. Are there
more bones deeper in the dirt across the street? Is there a skull over there? Are there 19
transients in shallow graves less than fifty yards from where I raised my kids? Did this
guy find a deer leg bone and assume it was human because it was long? I talked to an
attorney friend and he’s contacting a retired homicide detective and I’m trying to forget
that I ever heard this story. Yuck!

My son came home from school today and was having a snack before homework. He
called me and told me that there was a Praying Mantis in the living room. Much like
myself, he's a goofball, so of course - I didn't believe him. I came downstairs to find a
Mantis sitting nonchalantly by the television on a basket that sits atop a floor speaker.
Odd. Odd even for oddballs like us. We caught it and put it into our abandoned Hamster
cage/habitat. Made sense to us at the time. My son was watching “The Crocodile Hunter”
on TV while we caught this strange creature so we named it Irwin, in honor of the late
Steve Irwin. Bet your day wasn't as weird as ours.
                                WTF? Again

Sorry for this moment of ultimate seriousness in the midst of the ridiculous. I went to bed
sad and angry last night. I wrote something silly and fun to take my mind off of my
misery but it didn’t really work. Woke up with the same angst.

Immediately following the “State of the Union” last night, the local news did their usual
local nonsense. In the midst of the norm, they did their nightly “War in Iraq” update.
“Today in the fight to free Iraq, five soldiers were killed. Three died because of a
roadside explosive and two died as a result of small arms fire from snipers. Now, let’s see
what Fred has to say about who’s going to win the big game this Sunday. I’ve got my
money on the Patriots.”

Really? Are we so blind and deaf to all that happens outside of our personal little
bubbles that we numbly sit and watch this kinda stuff on TV and go on to eat our
dinners? I’m not sure what we ever were but I definitely don’t like what we’ve become.
                                Tea With Irwin
He eyed me while tilting his triangular head, “So, what time is tea around here?”

“I was about to make a cup now. Would you like Tangly Timber with a mint leaf or
Saskatoon Cinnamon with a spritz of clove oil?” I asked the overly friendly Praying

“Actually, I’m hooked on Raspberry Root, but I’ll take some of that Timber crap, if that’s
all you have. Have you given any thought to what to feed me? You have no idea of what
my diet consists of, do you?” He asked.

“Well, I was planning on pizza tonight. Pepperoni okay with you? You tell me the
topping you prefer.”

“Actually, the meat is cool but the dairy part and breading stuff won’t really do well in
my digestive tract. I prefer my food live. Cricket. Roach. Even a frog or a small bird
would do. Hell, I’d even do a fly, if that’s all you have hanging around,” Irwin said.

I put the kettle on to boil and sat down beside my houseguest. He groomed his antennae
with his forelegs and I hung bags from two mugs.

“So…live food huh? I’m not sure what I have handy. There was a moth flying around the
porch light a while ago, but it’s surely flown on to brighter pastures by now. You sure it
has to be live?”

“Yeah, pretty much. I am a higher plane of being than most creatures because I eat the
living. Look me up on the Internet. I am one of the planet’s most highly evolved
predators. Hooks on the ends of my hands, wings, powerful legs, excellent vision, and the
ability to digest insects, including poisonous insects, reptiles, amphibians, birds, you
name it. I’m a modern marvel of evolution. I’m the only insect that can turn its head
around to see backwards. I am the real deal,” Irwin said, somehow without sounding

“What makes you say you’re on a higher plane?” I asked as I poured the hot water over
the sweet smelling teabags.

“I have the essence of every creature that I have eaten. I have a portion of each of their
souls because I ate them while they were living. I am closer to Nirvana than most because
I ingest the living. You are simple because you eat the meat of the dead and decaying.
I’m better than you,” he said, now sounding kinda smug.

“And you’re sure about this theory?” I asked, gently stirring the tea in each mug.
“Being on this level affords me certain truths and the fact that I am better than you
because of what I have taken into my self is clearly evident. It’s a Renfield kinda thing.
Eat a bug, take on his essence. That essence never leaves you. You take in part of his soul
and a smaller part of every soul that he may have eaten. I am miles above you mortal
men,” he said as he reached out for his mug.

I reached out and took my mug also. I sipped my tea and crunched my Mantis and
enjoyed my afternoon. I don’t feel any smarter. I feel…like I need to brush my teeth. Oh
                           HOW I SHARED MY HUSBAND
             (dark subject matter & graphic depictions – read at your peril)

My pretty Paul was not the kind
To throw sparks at passersby.
But apparently he received
Rather well,
And was rather well received.

My pretty Joyce was rain or shine
Hand-in-hand pal for life.
A friendship fashioned forever,
Until rain or shine
Became fair weather.

My pretty people were my world,
The ends of opposing poles.
They were the base in my life,
Whose debasement thereof,
Became rife.

Joyce and Paul agreed to meet
To brainstorm for my party.
Their plans were laid in hidden heat,
Before their meetings started.
The storm warnings did not impart,
The fury of their desire.
Nor did the thought of my heart
Cool their covetous fire.
Guilt and remorse were soon quelled,
As were the newfound friends.
Secrets are meant to be held,
Especially when new love offends.
Did my only loves so disrespect me this way?
Was this the surprise planned for my birthday?

Their fatal chance encounter was unleashed lust,
That unbeknownst to me had been in tow for years.
While in the guise of the keepers of my trust,
Their desires echoed but never reached my ears.
My pretty uncontrollable loves fell upon each other,
Neither stopping to hear my world caving in.
Consuming passions forced my spouse to take the friend of his lover,
As was also the case of my spouse craving friend.
Quite against their wills their lust turned to love,
And bloomed beyond their control.
Soon secret trysts were not enough,
To share the love they stole.
A rotten love affair will sometimes stink forever.
Other times the party crossed becomes empowered to sever.

With hindsight, I understand my Joyce scented sheets,
And her inability to keep our Sunday brunch dates.
Paul’s “honey, I love you’s” were at best cheats,
As was his feigned interest in his bedmate.
I guess I should have read the road signs,
That spelled out every hairpin turn.
You’d think I would have seen the star shine,
While they grew and I failed to learn.
I never gave reason for your betrayal, my pretty Joyce,
Nor was I ever unwilling to satisfy you, my pretty Paul.
This act of treason was altogether your choice,
And we all know why and where the axe must fall.
My gods have fallen to Hell and I never even saw them slip.
If Hell is their destination, then I’ll join them in their trip.

Now that the deed is done and the seed is sown,
I shall redress them with a dressing down.
To do this, my beatless heart must turn to stone,
And my guileless face mask smile or frown.
Exacting grim punishment has never been my gift,
Nor severing relationships ever been my plan.
In avenging my spousal covenant’s most foul rift,
I intend to cleave the cleaving woman from man.
Though my curative training commands me to heal,
It is implied that I judge relative revivability.
Attaining sterile instruments in my field,
Is as simple as ignoring my vow’s sanctity.
Undertakings of this nature require extreme poise and grace.
As did the killing of my marriage without remorse on either face.

I suppose one outcome would be that I would lose love’s aptitude,
And be thrown upon the cold rocks of warmth’s pall.
Befitting me, I propose to offer myself to love’s latitude,
A distinction that I would no doubt prefer above all.
Further, it could be that upon completion of this violent revenge,
My dissatisfied heart will discover no satiation.
Like a soulless Spectre forever begging at heaven’s fringe,
My unqualified heart must have this retaliation.
It is for God to pardon me for this sin against Man,
For it is only His forgiveness that I shall ever abide.
Besides, it is much more seemly to sunder foot and hand,
Than to fairly take hearts in the literal eye for eye.
Whatever my consequence in this heinous matter, it is just.
A kind of hurting is warranted on those who openly breach trust.

Subduing my Pretty Paul was no great feat,
Considering his indulgence in that night’s meal.
His raves regarding the rich taste of the meat,
Fueled his consumption of the Morphined veal.
I surmounted my Pretty Joyce on the following day,
By doling out several blows to the head.
Overcome and in a state of disarray,
I laid her beside her comrade in bed.
Chained to the walls of my basement, they began their stay,
In the hell of their love’s wildest dreams.
Linked by crimes of debasement are those who stray,
And penalties for this fine pain are high indeed.
Finally, the game is afoot in my wholly unholy mission.
I will have my pound of flesh from those who caused this condition.

“I never meant to hurt you, you know,”
Says he, realizing his impotency.
‘“We should have stopped long ago,”
Says she, through the tears and weight of pregnancy.
“You just can’t do this to us!”
He screams, knowing well my vengeance.
“We never meant to be serious,”
She cries, as though there is a difference.
My turn to watch them writhe
And suffer their romance.
I bring with me a scythe,
As end to this performance.
A tragic heroine caught in the family way,
Simply adds to the sadness of this passion-play.

The amputation of a single finger,
Pales to the loss of an entire hand.
All pain is pain that lingers,
But physical pain, I can withstand.
While in their narcotic rest,
I cut off their hands for my heart.
I sutured their wounds and dressed,
The arms that never would part.
Needless to say, they awoke unamused,
And screamed and yelled bloody murder.
They felt they’d been abused,
But knew not of my plans to go further.
In shearing their hands, I have shown them defeat.
Love’s vowed vendetta is now one-third complete.

After two days away from their hands,
I freed them of their feet.
With morphine at my command,
I made their cropping complete.
In their painful newfound state,
They had no need of their chains.
Why incarcerate,
Those who must remain?
Fearing that I may snip them further,
Paul seemed the most unnerved.
I had calmed my trimming fervor,
But my finale had been reserved.
Once pruned, my limbless loves now had only their minds.
The goal before me now - hack away that too in kind.

The new game in town was now beginning,
And I alone wrote the rules.
To set their little wheels to spinning,
I told them of their unique menus.
Strictly gourmet meals on golden platters,
The fare had been for the last five days.
Knuckle soup with fecal matter,
Followed by my famous foot soufflés.
When told I had aborted her child,
My pretty Joyce became a lost cause.
My pretty Paul went simply wild,
When he recalled it’s tasty tart sauce.
These acts, in fact, are too far for even me to go.
With stomachs and minds unsettled, they’ll never even know.

With a game this completely engrossing,
It’s hard not to lose as you win.
The slam of sanity’s closing,
Echoes from both outside and in.
Who knows which devil knows best,
When they all have hold of your hand?
“Revenge the pain in your breast,
Or live with what you cannot withstand?”
Moments come when I have my doubts,
Whether or not I am on this limb.
My answers comes to me in shouts,
I think it’s me but it’s them.
The state of my thoughts I willingly mistrust.
A point I would worry over, if I didn’t feel so just.

My pretties are not so pretty these days,
With their hollow and ghastly grim faces.
There seems to be something akin to malaise,
In these lovers who’ve lost their embraces.
Small mindless creatures that quiver and drool,
And stare toward the void since their capture.
Destroyed by the simplest surgical tool,
Cut to the quick and bereft them of rapture.
The storm is now gone and peace has returned,
My heart is resuming its rhythm.
My role is no longer wife/friend spurned,
But planner of what to do with them.
This most macabre deed has brought a most serenely pleasant reaction.
I feel only a total, sheerly outright, completely cool satisfaction.

The trip to the car was a journey itself,
With Paul’s muffled attempts to be heard.
Joyce became an eel in a seat-belt,
But the sedative had the last word.
Lolling and crying, they begged and they pleaded,
Though they saw only doom in my eyes.
As if sorrow for pain was the remedy needed,
And I was their vessel for lies.
The ride seemed tremendously long,
Yet short to them I suppose.
Fittingly, the radio did not play our song,
A tune that will soon decompose.
A good deal off the road, I gave them a last cozy dose of morphine.
I ungagged them and left them in this forbidding and sandy new scene.

As I expose this seamless sin to you,
Your troops are out scouring the desert.
My crime is what you must prove,
Criminals cannot simply assert.
I admit these deeds to the law,
Because I knew you would question in time.
Where are Joyce and Paul?
That is for you to divine.
My conscience, to spare me damnation,
Made me make a clean breast in detail.
All but that one prime location,
That would undoubtedly land me in jail.
Without corpus delicti, passions crimes are but baseless reflection.
Without Paul and Joyce to testify, it’s just a confessor’s conception.
                     Travels With the Bloofer Lady Pt. 2

My eyes fluttered and all was silence in my darkened room. There was sunset just beyond
my window but dusk was settling heavily in my small room. My viewpoint was from the
floor, just at the foot of my unmade bed. My Bloofer, Lucy, was a vision in dark,
flowing, purple velvet. Her hair moved independent of her head. Her hair swam and
seemed to reach out to me. I was still lying on the floor, paralyzed and in the deep throes
of love for this temptress. She smiled down at me and blood drooled in long silken
crimson strands from her teeth and entered my waiting mouth. Her blood was cold, yet it
brought breath and life with it. A kind of life that I had never felt before. A hyper-life. A
life unending. I life of hunger and power. Fulfillment and solitude. My limbs began to fill
with this power, an offshoot of Lucy's power. I knew that all that I was or ever would be
was an extension of her greatness. I stood and breathed new air. I saw a new world. A
world that would bow to me because I was an essential part of the Empress of the Night.

I stepped out of my window and followed my master/lover out and above the darkling
                             The Little Light Bulb

Once upon a time, there was a little light bulb that lived in a magnificent chandelier. She
was a sad little light bulb because she was dark and cold while all the other bulbs were
bright and happy. They all turned on together, laughing and sparkling every time the man
came into the room. She simply sat in her socket while the others shined and sparkled and
filled the room with their light.

Oh sure, she could see by their light and feel some of their heat upon her outer body of
delicate glass, but her insides were dark and cold. She had no contribution to give and
this made her sad. So sad, that once she wished that the socket would release her so that
she could crash to the floor.

But the man would have to pick up the pieces and she had no wish to trouble him, for you
see, she loved the man.

There was a time when the man would enter the room and the electricity would strike and
she would outshine every bulb in the chandelier. She would shine so brightly that the man
noticed her and called her his “little sparkler.” She returned his love by being bright when
he read his books and dim when he had a headache.

Their relationship grew until one day when the man cleaned the chandelier. He used a
feather duster, which he brushed against her ever so gently but hard enough to jar her
away from her current. From that day on, she had been cold inside

One day the man looked up at the chandelier and seemed to notice something odd. He left
the room and returned with a step ladder, which he placed under the chandelier. The little
light bulb became frightened because she knew that she would be replaced and thrown
into the trash. She tried her best to sparkle, but all she could do was watch as his hand
came close. Then, she felt his warm fingertips on her cold body and knew the time for
replacement was here. She gathered her dignity and vowed that her removal would be

Just then, he twisted her slightly and she flickered back to life. Her light was brighter than
ever and she could feel her inner warmth beaming. She looked down at the man who was
smiling and climbing down the ladder. She sent her glowing love to give light to his life.

Moral: Sometimes, when you’re down and you think you’re all burned out, it can all turn
around when the right guy comes along and screws you.
                                   (all apologies to Sting)

I saw a stray cat lying in the grass while on my way to wisdom. I couldn’t resist lying
next to him to find out the mysteries that he contained.

“I wish that I could live a life like yours. Lying in the Sun and being taken care of. Being
fed when I’m hungry, petted, and loved.”

He gave me a tremendously long sang-froid stare. Then closed his eyes indifferently.

“To lie about, purring contentedly. To have the ability to turn on a hunting instinct to full
power and suddenly become the ultimate predator.”

He opened his eyes and cut a glare my way. The indifference was gone. It was replaced
by something close to loathing.

“I am what I am because I deserve to be. Being a cat isn’t something that happens by

“What do you mean? You were born a cat like I was born a man. What have you done to
deserve being born a cat?”

“My kind are God’s chosen ones. We are what all others aspire to be. In every life before,
I have been a cat.”

“Nonsense! We are made in God’s image, not cats! Look at all that man has done and all
that man has meant to the Earth. What have cats achieved?”


“That’s ridiculous. Man is king! We have created a new digital world. Technology is
what separates us from animals.”

“I watch your television when you are not home. Your technology allows you to see all
corners of the world that you are slowly ruining. I watch your rockets blast off toward
new worlds in hopes of finding life. A life that you will no doubt exploit. You search for
a planet that you can rape. One victim is not enough for you. Is that what God wants? Is
that the true aim of God? I watch your wars. Your ability to kill a few innocents to reach
the guilty is a revelation. It is also appallingly horrendous. I watch your commercials
where you reach out to the consumer offering the newest bestest most coolest fastest car
with its polluting engine. You take that car out on the highway and run over a small
creature and continue on your way. Do you feel remorse? Do you really understand
remorse? I watch you sell your alcohol to an audience that is almost unable to resist
because they are addicted to the unnatural chemical compounds. You make wine of
grapes, rice, dandelions, almost anything. Have you tried making wine out of marijuana?
Why not combine your addictions? I’m sure you’ve thought of that. If not, I pity you for
what you will now do with this suggestion.”

“Wait, you can’t belittle man for the horrors that we may have done. What about all the
good things that we do?”

“What good things do you do?”

“We created roads, society, government, farming, shipping, art, music, the written word.”

“All of those things relate only to you. The rest of the living things on this planet get zero
benefit from all the wonders that man has created. The things that affect the rest of us are
also creations of man. Zoos, hazardous chemicals, hunting for sport, smog, you’ve even
begun to destroy the layers above the Earth that protect all living things from doom. Nice

“What have cats done to make the planet better? What do you do for others?”

“We retain a sense of modesty. We don’t attempt to lord over all else.”

“Well…you can’t blame me for what other men have done.”

“You have a saying that goes, ‘what one man can do, another man can do.’ If one man
does evil and other men do not act on this, then all men are complicit in this evil. What
have you done to stop the evils that other men do?”

“But…I don’t know how…I can’t…”

“You are a confusing and mysteriously stupid animal. You work to buy gas to go to
work. You complain about the price of gas but have no complaint or realization that
water costs more than gas. Gas is a refined product that is often shipped across great
oceans from countries that despise you. I understand it costing a great deal. Isn’t water
free? I’ve seen it fall from the skies for days on end. Who sells it back to you and why?”

“But you don’t understand, God has chosen man to-“

“What if I had irrefutable unquestionable evidence that God exists but He no longer cares
about you? What if I told you that God created you, then became bored and moved on?”

I looked into the cat’s wonderful eyes and felt hatred for this creature. He was obviously
sent here to be my serpent. My mind swam in the murky thoughts that this evil feline had
presented me with. It was then that I realized that I had been lying on a cozy lawn with a
cat that SPOKE to me! His ability to speak had seemed so natural to this point that it
never occurred to me that I was in the presence of a talking cat.
“Have you been speaking to me? Speaking English? How is this possible?”

The cat stood slowly, arched its back in a lazy stretch, rubbed its chin and cheek lovingly
against my shoulder, then meowed and slowly walked away leaving me alone and
dumbfounded on a beautiful lawn beneath an amazing sky.
                                Wrong Feelings

I went through most of my day thinking that I was dark and evil inside but I was wrong. I
had mistaken my emotions. I now know what's going on inside my malformed brain. I am
sad and lonely. Heartbroken without a clue as to why. No one killed my monkey. Hell, I
don't even have a monkey. But the feeling is like having my favorite monkey killed in a
terrible taxicab accident right before my eyes. I couldn't have lost a lover because I
haven't got one. It's not suddenly hitting me that my father died 25 or so years ago. I've
dealt with that. I think the loss is internal. Am I losing the ability to believe in love? Am I
never to be loved again? Not like mommy loves her precious precocious little me. Love,
longing, passion, desire and the like will never be mine again will they? Why didn't you
tell me that my ride was ending? This sucks. More than sucks. It hurts. It's making my
eyes all puffy without a tear falling. Give it to me straight Doc, is there hope?
                         I Miss the Beautiful Woman

I work out at my local YMCA (that's stupid. Who works out at a distant Y?). Okay this
isn't that kind of story, so get back on track. Right. I'm there a couple of years ago and I'm
on the roof using the free weights. The door opens and a trainer escorts and older woman
onto the roof. She was probably in her early sixties, slightly hunched over, stringy
unkempt graying hair, dour faced, and she walked with a cane. The trainer showed her
the equipment and explained the functions. She tried to pay attention but seemed
distracted. I felt her staring at me as I worked out. It felt a bit odd but not too far out of
the ordinary. They stayed approximately 4 minutes, then left me to peacefully finish my

From the roof, I generally move on to the second floor and work out on the machines
next. When I got there, the woman was sitting on a machine trying to do a simple
movement without any weight whatsoever. She struggled and her head trembled. I smiled
at her as I passed and began my workout. Five minutes in, I felt her eyes on me. I turned
and she was sitting on a machine staring at me as if she knew me. She gave me a weak
smile that let me know that she was semi-embarrassed to be caught staring. I returned her
smile. She got up and walked over to me slowly with her cane. I stopped and looked at
her as she spoke softly.

"I wish I could still do the things that I used to do. You are very lucky to be able to do so
much," she said, then turned and walked away.

I was at a loss. She shuffled out the door and gently down the stairs. I sat on the seat of
the machine and couldn't move. What just happened and why to me? I had never had
anyone speak to me and stop all thought before. After what felt like eight years, I got up
from the machine and ran down the stairs looking for her. I found her in the parking lot. I
walked behind her and called out to her. She slowly turned and showed me her deflated
and wizened face.

"Excuse me, may I talk to you for a moment?" I asked. Her face showed her shock but
she nodded her approval nonetheless.

"Please don't be offended but I just have to say this to you."

"Go on, young man."

"You may not always feel this way, you may not think this way, you may not hear this
often enough, you may not even believe it yourself but you are beautiful. You are a
beautiful woman."

She smiled a "you're so full of shit smile," then said, "Oh yeah, I see this beautiful face
every time I look in the mirror."
"I don't think you do." I took her frail hand in mine and held it gently. "You are a
beautiful woman. I don't know you and have never seen you before today. I may never
see you again. I have no reason to lie to you. You are a beautiful woman. A very
beautiful woman."

She slowly took her hand back and wiped a tear from her face. Her shoulders heaved
slightly as she silently cried in the parking lot of the Y.

"If one's ever said that to me before. My father never told me that I was
beautiful. I wanted him to think that I was beautiful. My husband didn't one
ever says that about me."

"Then it's time that someone tells you the truth. I'm sure they all saw how beautiful you
are, they just couldn't say it out loud. You are beautiful."

I stood there with her until she got the tears under control. She thanked me profusely,
then got in her car and left. I felt good. Better than good. Not because I'd made someone's
day but because I did something that we seldom do as humans, I spoke the truth to a total
stranger because "I" wanted to.

A couple of weeks later, I was sitting on a machine working out and I felt a gentle tap on
my shoulder. I turned and saw a woman who looked like the older woman's daughter
standing behind me. I took my headphones off and got a better look. My beautiful woman
was standing straight and tall, her face was lightly made-up, her hair was clean looking
and pulled back into a nice little bun, and her smile was huge. She still walked with the
cane but she was a completely different woman. We talked for a brief moment before she
began her workout. I smiled all day that day.

From time to time, I'd see her at the Y - chipper and lively. After about a year, she
stopped walking with the cane. We became passing friends. We didn't get to the point of
asking each other for our names. I called her beautiful and she just said, "hey you"
whenever she saw me.

I haven't seen my beautiful woman in quite a while. I wonder how she is. I know that
she's still beautiful.
                                  The Office

I went into the office today and fired Williams right off the bat. His lack of loyalty and
clear disregard for the company's mission statement can no longer be tolerated. Jenkins
and Peterson are on notice and they feel my eyes on their backs. My secretary, Emma
Balkin, handed me the third quarter report and the boardroom was silent. I looked across
the room and all avoided my glare. We are seven points above expectations but I demand
more than a measly seven points per quarter. I popped an antacid and began my
individual critiques or tirades as the underlings have so aptly described them.

Suddenly, as if a ray of pure sunlight was burning my retinas, I realized that I don't have
a job and have never worked in an actual office of any kind. Funny how several Vicodin
and a ton of booze can make you think you're me. I know I thought I was me for a while
there. It was great, remember? I was screaming a lot and waving my arms about while
you were plucking the chickens and building up a tolerance to iocane poison. Glory days.
 An Open Letter to My Best Friends in the World - the Good Folks at Nike

Yo Nike, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you put a little money into me and sponsor my
blog? You didn’t know that the whole shoe thing would work when you gave Michael
Jordan that huge contract. Look what happened there. It turned out great for both of you.
If you give me, oh, let’s say…$53,000,000, I will put your swoosh on my site with every
post. I will wear your products at all times in public. You can promote my blog and I
promise to post at least three times a week. I won’t write anymore of that “poor me”
kinda stuff. I will write upbeat crap that everyone can enjoy. I’ll even dumb down the
content to appeal to today’s reader. I will go to your sites and comment on your new lines
of shoes and apparel. My comments will be meaningful because I will be a celebrity and
someone to be admired (after that $53,000,000). If this new venture doesn’t pan out, at
least one of us will be happy and you will know positively that this kind of thing doesn’t
work. But if it does work, watch out! Your competitors will once again be following your
industry leading promotion abilities.

Just do me!
                              Canadian Advice

I recently got advice from a friend from the world above. She told me how to break
through the gloom of life and growing older by forging ahead. I took her advice to heart
and I'm ready to begin forging.

The problem is, the word "forging" got stuck in my head and things got cloudy. The word
itself began to sound funny, then I was unsure of what the hell was being said. Was it
"forging" or "foraging"?

I mean, foraging is cool too. I could use some twigs and berries. Wait, maybe she meant
take something "for aging." That's another option that somehow makes as much sense as
anything at this time.

Then again, her message may have been take something "for raging". Again, makes sense
considering my state of mind.

Another more impractical answer would be that she meant a combination of all of these
things. I have no idea what that might mean, so I'll assume that what she said was "forge

                                Falling in Starbucks

"Okay, I'll meet you at Starbucks at noon. Don't be late," she said.

"I'll be early," he said, with a smile broad enough to put the Cheshire Cat to shame.

He hung up the phone and ran to his closet to find the perfect ensemble to impress a
supposedly beautiful woman on a blind date. Nothing so formal that she might notice that
he was trying too hard but something dashing enough to get noticed. After an hour and a
half, the shirt met the pants that met the vest that met the scarf that would make him

11:47. He sat facing the door, waiting patiently for Constance to arrive. A woman in a
blue dress opened the door and his heart fluttered, then he remembered that Constance
was supposed to be a blonde and this woman's hair was jet black. Still, a pretty woman in
a blue dress. He could be wrong about the blonde hair. She could have recently dyed it.
The woman smiled at the handsome man who was staring at her, then continued past him
and placed her order. His eyes went back to the door, where Constance stood smiling.

Blonde, but dishwater blonde. A sort of faded gold that went down to the middle of her
back and a bit windblown. Her nose was fairly long and kinda flat at the tip. Her smile
gently off kilter. Eyes that were huge and dark. Heavy unkempt eyebrows. She was taller
than he anticipated and thinner than necessary. All in all, not the "pretty woman" that had
been described to him by his pal, Alex.

Constance sat down and extended her hand. He shook it lightly and smiled. Her smile
beamed and her less than perfect teeth gleamed in her off kilter mouth.

"It's so nice to finally meet you, Michael. You're just as I expected," she said.

He reached for her hand again. She let him take it, but her look was wary. He kissed her
hand and smiled.

"You are so much more than I expected, Constance."

They are still in love today.
                Same Sex Marriage Now Legal in California!

Today, it became legal to marry one of your own kind in California. Gay couples began
early this morning in the celebration of the becoming "legal spouses". It was the lead
news story on every channel. As it stands now, 51% of the people here approve of the
unions and 42% believe that it's an abomination.

"I believe that God is looking down at us at this moment, in this state and that He
disapproves of what we are allowing here today. Same sex marriage is not marriage.
Marriage is a Holy Right designated to one man and one woman," said Reverend

I hope God's not really paying too much attention to what we're doing down here. I hope
He's got something better to do. I can't imagine that He cares who we love. I can only
hope He cares "that" we love. If God's really watching, I would think He's probably more
upset that there are some among us who are speaking for Him than he might be about
wanting a legal sanction regarding who we choose to kiss.

I hope God's watching the NBA playoffs and that He helps the Laker's to go to a game 7
in Boston, then washes His hands of everything and lets the players decide who the
champions are. As it stands, the Laker's might need Him to win game 6. He's a good
defender and His passing skills are some of the best in the league right now. His jump
shot is hot and cold but hopefully, He's going to be hot tomorrow. Go Laker's!

I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought. Go gays!
                                My (Tor)Mentor

I had a dream about 20 years ago. Eternally surreal. I was in the desert, dying of hunger
and thirst. A vulture appeared beside me. It was buried to the neck in the sand. As I
approached, it began to talk to me in a familiar voice. The voice was Alfred Hitchcock's.
The HitchVulture told me that the next story that I would write would be a literary pearl.
The HitchVulture went on to tell me that I was a talented writer who simply hadn't been
discovered yet. The HitchVulture then dug itself free from the sand and unzipped its
exterior. Alfred Hitchcock was indeed beneath the feathery body. The difference was that
with the feathers stripped away, the head changed to a regular vulture and the body was a
skeletal version of Mr. Hitchcock. A large skeleton with the head of a vulture. The
HitchVulture continued to speak, nonetheless. It told me that I had to continue writing
because my talent was untapped. "Never stop putting words to paper," it said.

Since that all-important dream, I have written many screenplays, dozens of short stories,
dozens of poems, and two novels. I haven't received a single dollar from these writings
(liar!), yet I continue because "Mr. HitchVulture" gave me the incentive. Does he know
that I would appreciate some of this crap being read by half the masses? Does he realize
that I could use some form of compensation for putting words to paper? Monetary
compensation would be wonderful.

Hey Hitch, why not appear in Mr. Spielberg's dreams and tell him to give me a call so
that we can hook-up and perhaps produce some of these words on paper? You could enter
Ron Howard's dream tonight and give him my phone number and hint to him that I've got
a script or two that he needs to look into. What, are you too busy to haunt a Hollywood
big shot? If that's the case, why the hell are you screwing around with little old me?
Twenty years later and I still remember that dream vividly. I can't stop writing because he
might be right. Why me?

An old, fat, dead, British director controls my life!

Are they weird? Yeah, but who can point the weird finger without having it end up
directly back in their own face eventually? Are they social misfits? Think of how many
"cool" characters are actually social misfits - Spiderman, Batman, Superman,
Frankenstein, the Hulk, Hellboy, it's a long list. Are they merely seeking individuality?
Seems unlikely. Usually when one seeks to be unique, one doesn't dress and behave like a
specific group. That's not individuality, that's conformity. Perhaps it just is what it is. It's
not Jock or Nerd or Greaser or Soc or Geek or whatever else may come down or up the
pike. It's just a filled niche.
Consider the time, imagination, bravery, and delicate attention to detail that it takes to not
only achieve their look but to also live this look. I have never known a Goth personally
but I appreciate their difference.
                              So Long, Suckers!!!

Once upon a time, back in the Age of Idiots, I used to be a writer. Actually, I was a writer
for you stupids who are reading these stupid words now. The reason that I am no longer
writing for you losers is that, apparently, I am rich. Not just rich - filthy, nasty, gruesome,
stanky rich! A person of my newfound magnitude would never stoop so low as to waste
my priceless precious time writing inane crap to the underlings of the world. So, this is
my farewell to all of you numbskulls. Kiss my opulent ass as I swim in a pool full of

You may be wondering what could have happened to make me so much better than all of
you. Well, it just so happens that I recently received an email informing me that I have a
distant relative in Nigeria (that I never even knew about before today!), who has left me
close to half a half a billion dollars! Ha ha! How ya like me now? That's right, there's
$447 million bucks waiting for me in Nigeria. Cash money, sitting in a suitcase, left to
me by Umbuku Ukumbu. He left the cash in a closet in an old suitcase with instructions
for it to be mailed to me, in the event of his death. Last week, he choked to death at a
family BBQ. Now, I'm the wealthiest man you know. Or used to know.

All I have to do is send the attorney, who holds the will and the big fat-assed suitcase
stuffed with U.S. currency, eight grand. A lousy eight thousand dollars and he puts my
future in the hands of a trusted Fed Ex dude. I've already put my house up for sale and
taken the eight thousand out my son's college fund. I know that I'll lose money on the
house in this economy but the upside is too much for me to even consider right now. Who
needs this house when I'm in line for a half a half a billion? I can tell my wife to quit her
job tomorrow. No, wait...divorce! I'm filing papers first thing in the morning! Gotta do it
quick before she finds out about my windfall. Yes, the pieces are falling into place!

Wish you were me, dontcha? Well, you're not! Sucks to be you!
                            My Dear Dear Friends!

Wasn't that a funny silly stupid joke? Nigerian relatives, ha ha. You, dear readers, are
my true friends and family. Well, I mean, you are now that I realize that my money is no
longer my money and my windfall has either blown away in the wind or fallen off a cliff
somewhere in Nigeria. Whatever.

The good thing is that my wife has forgiven me for serving her with the divorce papers.
Yeah, she just calmly took the papers, put them in the shredder, then shoved the shreds
into the pepper mill, ground them into a fine powder, mixed the powder with a squirt of
piss, a healthy spit, and kneaded that into a thick paste. She later took the paste and
carefully inserted it into an empty 357 cartridge and waited until the paste hardened.
Once hardened considerably, she simply put the divorce Papier-mâché bullet into a pistol
(when the hell did she buy a pistol?) and shot me in the face. After that, she wasn't really
that angry anymore.

So, my son won't get to go to college. Lots of people don't go to college. He may live a
life of anger and regret. Happens to the best of us. He's been walking around the house
mumbling the words "vendetta" and "blood feud." Kids today. No one can figure them

There is a silver lining to this cloud. I've just gotten an email from the guy in Nigeria who
scammed me for the eight thousand dollars. He says he's sorry and he wants to give the
money back but he's already spent it. He bought a ton of food and decorations for a huge
party that he's having for me. He wants me to fly to Nigeria and be the guest of honor at
the party. I told him that I don't have the two thousand dollars that round trip airfare
would cost because I gave him almost all of my worldly cash holding. I'm down to my
last twelve hundred. Wouldn't you know it, he said that he can get me round trip tickets
for exactly twelve hundred bucks! It seems that ticket prices are lower in Nigeria. You
never know when luck will happen to you.

So, wish me bon voyage!

If you really sit and think about all the people that you see on TV, on the big screen, and
those in music, you have opinions about all of them. You read something about them
from their art or you hear gossip about them on the tube or in the press or, even worse,
you hear nothing at all about them but the characters that they portray give you a
"feeling" about them. You actually know nothing about Brad Pitt, yet you think he's
either adorable or an ass for leaving Jennifer for Angelina. Do you know what idiotic
things Ms. Aniston requested of him to make him want to leave her? Of course not. And
if you did know what actually went on "behind closed doors," it would be gossip too.
None of us knows anything and we all know everything.

The best that I can hope for is to one day be reduced to a sound bite that is cooked up and
served to the masses. Bliss.
                        What's So Good About Good?

We all have evil thoughts. Are mine more evil than yours? I hope so. That either means
that I try harder or that I have a larger innate evil. Cool. This is America and we all want
to be the biggest and best. By America, I mean this world is America. Sorry to say it to
all you Canucks, Aussie's or whoever’s out there but the world has been Americanized. It
sucks but it's true. You guys were buying into our music and movies and celebrities
without realizing that the gimme gimme mentality was bundled with pop culture. Oh
well, sorry 'bout that.

Back to evil. When we come across a person with vast amounts of evil, say like a serial
killer or a politician, why do we punish them for displaying more of what we all have in
us? Those of us who have way too much good, say like a (no example shown), we don't
pray to them or anything. Well, there was that one guy a couple thousand years ago but
we did do a good bit of punishing there too.

What if we started punishing people for being too loving? I forgot, we do! It's called
marriage. Okay, what if we started punishing people for being too happy? I forgot, we
do! It's called an insane asylum. Okay, what if we started punishing people for being
too...forgetful? I forgot, we do! It's called uh,...

So, back to my point about evil. I guess my point is that I didn't really make a valid point
here. That's because, deep down, I am just a wonderful good person. That's what a truly
evil genius would want to make you think.

You figure it out.
                              Who Needs 'em?

Woman! Women! So what?!?! None of them love me and all of them lie. I would be a
happy man, if I'd never met a woman. You prick out my heart, do your seductive dance,
then spit on my soul. You claim to be the only ones with emotions. Liars! I have
emotions coming out of my ass! Just because I burp and fart out loud and watch brutal
sporting events and stick my finger all the way up my nose and laugh when someone falls
down and is obviously injured, doesn't mean that I don't have feelings. I cry every time I
watch “The Bridges of Madison County,” “Field of Dreams,” “Brian's Song,” and
“Rambo II.” I recycle. I like babies. I know how to sew a button back on a shirt and darn
a sock. All this and the entire population of you can't muster up a lousy "I love you too."

Fine. To hell with the lot of you! Outside of having a period, I used to consider myself
one of you but no more. If you can't get your ranks together and have one of your kind
represent the rest and bite the bullet and lie and say that you love me, then we are
officially at war. Don't look to me to cover a puddle with my jacket so that you can cross
the street without getting your pumps wet. I hope your toes get muddy to the point where
you need a supreme pedicure to clean out the gunk. Never again will I hold a door open
for you guys. Use your weak and pathetic upper body strength to struggle your way into a
building. I will no longer give you that smile that means I think you're the cat's meow.
You're not! You're the cat's...something else.

I've spent my lifetime trying to get your approval and love and you've shunned me,
laughed at me, and gotten off on my lifetime's goal. Well the worm has turned,
sweethearts! I despise you now. Happy? Is this what you wanted? I will do everything in
my power to destroy you one by one (except for my daughter - she is so cool!). You are
on notice, females!
I'm sorry. I love you! Love me. Love me. Love me. Kiss me kiss me kiss me. Forgive me.
It was all a joke. I'm no good without you. I need you. Don't you want me? Why don't
you want me? I'll change! I can be what you want me to be. Love me now?
                            Employment Assistance

I need help. I'm not one to ask for help but it's high time.

The only thing that I ever really wanted to be was a Matador. I saw a bullfight at age 5
and I knew my calling. I now think it's kinda cruel and mostly awful but I still want to
face down a bull in front of an adoring crowd one day. The operative word there is
"want". I know that I can't do it. Besides having a knee that's so bad that it won't allow
me to get the damn hell out of the way, I'm also scared of large livestock. Yes, even
cows. I can ride a horse like a semi-pro but I'm afraid of cows. I'm not too fond of goats
either. Crazy eyes. I've strayed from my point before even making my point. Wow, that's
bad brainwork.

This post is a plea for help. I need you to help me find employment. I've been looking for
quite a while now, with only bad luck. Don't ask me what I do or what I want to do. I
know less about me than you do. I used to be a Special Education teacher and I never
want to step foot in a classroom again. So, that qualifies me to be delivery guy.
Nothing against pizza delivery guys, hell, we all need pizza delivered. I'm just kinda old
to break into the delivery biz. Pizza shuffling's a young man’s game.

What would you advise me to do? Don't say, "follow your heart and become a Matador."
I appreciate the sentiment but it sometimes ends badly.
                                  Melting Plot

In time, I believe that the people of the Earth will look the same. By "in time," I mean
three hundred years or so.

A little Asian. A little Indian. A little Middle Eastern. A little Spanish. A little everything.
Pretty much Filipino.

America is called the Melting Pot but that's idealistic. Southern California and New York
are very close but the vast majority of the US is pretty homogenous. Don't take that to
mean White or anti-everything not White. I mean that in most areas of the country,
Blacks marry Blacks, Hispanics marry Hispanics, and so on. Of course, there are pockets
everywhere that blend a bit. The cross-breeding, melting pot thing is an idea, not a
practice. Yet, I believe that the US comes closest to melting people into an "other." In
Europe, Fins may marry French or Poles may marry Brits but the offspring tend to be
White Europeans. I doubt that there are a lot of Chinese ladies seeking Spaniards. The
Asian nations seem to be making Asians. The Indians and Africans seem to be intent on
making more of their own.

I think that a change is coming. They say that we're in a global economy and it's true.
What one nation does in the business world affects the rest of us. I believe that the global
hybridization will follow. The extremes (Black and White) will likely fall off the chart
and the middle ground will become the norm. Asians, Indians, and Hispanics will drift
into a caramel colored, dark haired, beautiful composite. The remaining races will be
pulled into this mix and we'll have to find a new reason to hate each other.

Oh yeah, there's always religion!
                           Metaphors be With You

I borrowed the title from Patricia T. O'Connor, author of "Woe Is I: The Grammarphobe's
Guide to Better English in Plain English." She has a section devoted to mixed metaphors
that obviously turned me on at the moment. It's a cool book for those of us who know the
language but forget it as we go along in life. I read this book every couple of years to
remind meself of how speak and write is supposed being done. Is helpful.

“Listen Luke, we could stand here and talk until the cows turn blue but Darth ain’t gonna
just surrender. We gotta go get him,” I said.

“Trust me Lando, he knows we’re here. He’s watching me like I was a Hawk,” Luke said.

“He’s just a Wolf in cheap clothing. I don’t believe Darth has the power that you think he
does. I say, let him take a flying hike. Besides, he’s not the one with his ass in a noose.
His dirty laundry is finally coming home to roost. When life throws you curveballs, make
lemonade,” I said.

“Lando, you don’t know Darth like I do. I can read him like the back of my book. He’s
watching everything we do with a fine-toothed comb. To him, we’re like a sitting duck
out of water right now. If we move on him, he’ll get us by hook or by ladder. He’s
diabolically opposed to us and capturing us will be as easy as falling off a piece of cake.
Do you follow where I’m coming from? We can’t burn our bridges until we come to
them,” Luke said.

“You expect me to believe that? I wouldn’t eat that with a ten-foot pole. It’s time we
stepped up to the plate and laid our cards on the table. We can take the wind out of his
saddle, if we strike first. As it stands, people are dying like hotcakes, waiting for us to
strike the hot iron. There’s no way he’s coming out of this looking like a rose. He’s
cooking his goose deeper and deeper. Right now, he’s the low dog on the totem pole and
he’s stinking like a stuck pig,” I said.

“It won’t be that easy, Lando. He doesn’t stick out like a sore throat inside the Deathstar.
It’ll be like finding a needle in a hayride. And I’m sure he’s been burning the midnight oil
from both ends awaiting our arrival. Even with the Force, I can't read him like an open
can of worms,” Luke said.

“I know how Darth operates, kid. He can’t read the handwriting on the wind. He always
shows himself too early when provoked. You can’t change the spots on an old dog. You
may be a little green behind the ears but he’s moth-eared. The fan’s gonna hit the roof,
boy. Let’s charge in there with guns blazed and catch him cold turkey with egg on his
face. Trust me, he’s probably sweating like a bullet. Aren’t you tired of being a pawn in
his game of checkers? I know I am. I’ve been up and down so many times, I feel as if I’m
in a revolving door. We can do this. It’s not rocket surgery,” I said.

“But what if he turns out to be a tough nut to swallow? We might be torn between and
betwixt the devil and the deep blue sea. We could end up getting hit right between the
nose. The foot would be on the other hand then. I’m not sure we want to tackle that
battle,” Luke said. There was true fear on the boy’s eyes.

“Actually, I think he’s got bigger dogs to fry right now. The rebellion’s growing in size
and girth. We can tackle this hurdle. Besides, we’ve got an ace up our nose. We’ve got a
rolling stone that’s worth two in the bush, whose heart is as big as gold. We’ve got you,
young Skywalker,” I said to reassure the boy-leader.

“Stop trying to beat me over the head with a dead horse! Just because I’m now a Jedi,
doesn’t mean that I’m ready to face Darth,” Luke snapped.

“You’re right. It doesn’t mean that it’s written in gold. The truth is…I know that in your
heart, you know your destiny. The first time that I met you, you could have blown me
over with a feather. I knew that you would never bite the hand that rocks the cradle. I
turned a blind eye to all that I heard and was immediately willing to lead your horse into
the bowels of hell. I implore you to take the time to stop and smell the tunnel at the end
of the rainbow,” I said.

Luke stood stark still and thought in deep waters.

“I know my destiny, Lando. Let’s proceed,” he said.

I now saw the warrior that was foretold. He would lead us all into a longer future.

“You hit the nail on the dot, my friend. You will come out of this smelling like a bandit.
You can take that to the bank and smoke it. We will soon celebrate your victory and the
beer will flow like wine.” I said.

Ten minutes later, we lay unconscious on the floor of Darth’s dungeon.
                           Some of God's Thoughts

For some alien reason, I've been thinking about God lately. Well, not God, but religion.
Religion and Man.

I was raised Baptist and I went to Catholic school for 12 years (yeah, I've got the scars to
prove it). The slight differences in their approach to God's word beguiled me. I came to
feel that if God wanted something from us, it was probably a fairly simple request. You
know, be good, do good, leave the world better kinda thing. I have honestly never found a
religion that didn't hold those ideas paramount. Cool.

As I grew older, I learned a bit about Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, Islam and others.
They all have some salient points and I understand the need to believe in their tenets. For
me, the issue arises when they are looked at closely for their inherent purpose – what
does God want from me, what do I want from Him, and how is this religion the means of
making both of us happy?

Conflict grows. Buddhism cannot be right in what they seek because my religion tells me
something that opposes their beliefs. Islam, Hinduism, Judaism, and Christianity cannot
be right for the same reasons. Religions fork. Ideas and beliefs and practices are

The real problem is that all religions have at their base the sticky wicket of faith. Faith is
a monster that is both fierce and indestructible. Faith makes us act upon that which is
taught to us about what our God desires. Man will kill and die for the pleasure of God. By
that I mean, to please their God. And of course, we are taught that our God is The God
and all others are not only not God but somehow a mockery of ours. This will get you
battles and bloodshed until there is no one left to remember who God was. I have never
understood how any man could destroy another in the name of a God. I cannot fathom a
God who would want us to take another life for any reason. It would seem that God is
fully capable of taking that life if He wanted.

As I said in the beginning, the commonality of the variety of religions is that they all
seem to preach the do good, be good idea. If that is their common ground, how does
“God wants those guys dead” ever enter the picture? Troubling.

If you are a Christian, do you know why? It’s because you were born in a Christian
abiding place. You were either born to Christians or you were indoctrinated by the
Christians in your area. Can you imagine a child born in Afghanistan who sees the light
and wisdom of Christianity without being exposed to its teachings? If Christianity is “the
true religion,” then that would happen. Wouldn’t all Buddhists one day come to realize
that what they’ve been doing for eons is wrong because Judaism has it nailed? It’s like
when you were a kid growing up and the kid across the street or your next-door neighbor
was your best friend and you’re still friends to this day. Best possible friend for you or
the kid close to your age who lived in your vicinity?

As I grew older still, it occurred to me that regardless of who we are, where we are, our
color, or language, we all act upon what we are taught. We are taught that God wants the
good from us or the vengeance from us. Now, in most situations, when we are taught
things that are potentially harmful to ourselves or others, we look to the teachers and say
“bad job, you’re fired.” Who is teaching us about the religion that we blindly follow?
Could they be bad teachers? Do we fear the wrath of God for questioning the lesson?
Perhaps we fear the wrath of man more. After all, the wrath of God seems to come in the
form of a man blowing something up in the name of God. He always says “God wishes
this infidel dead.” Powerful stuff indeed. An organization that perpetually teaches its
ideas and can be righteously/murderously severe in its treatment of those who question
the teachings. This seems on the verge of The Black Hand to me.

I will continue to grow older and hopefully realize things that have been right before my
eyes always. The trick is to understand a few of them.

Blessings to you.
                          Gingery, My Personal Faerie

"So, what kind of being would you wish to be?' She asked.

"I have no idea. I can't think of anything better than being human," I said.

"There are so many creatures more elegant and refined than humans," she said.

"But no other creature has art or culture or technology," I said.

"Or murder or crime or war," she responded.

"Okay, I get your point. I'd still rather be a human," I said.

"Then what kind of human would suit you best?" She asked.

"What do you mean, what kind of human? I would want to be the best kind of human, I
suppose," I said.

"The best kind of human? That's easy," she said.

"Can you turn me into the best kind of human?" I asked.

"Of course, silly. Just take this pill," she said, handing me a tiny pink pill.

"What is it?" I asked.

"It's a shitload of progesterone," she said, then flew away.
                              Thursday, January 22, 2009
From the Field to the Big House

I've been trying to gather my thoughts since Tuesday. I have a screenplay idea that's been
teetering on becoming a real thing. I have the story's beginning, middle, and end but there
are some issues that need fleshing out. The flesh is here now and yet... Almost always,
when the muse slaps me, the typing begins. I can't stop even if I want to - usually. There
is a difference now. A Black man was given the keys to the White House and I haven't
been able to fully gather my thoughts.

Hi. I'm a Black guy. God, that feels good to say. I'm not an African American and never
have been. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being African American, if you so
choose. I'm Black because I used to be Colored. Soon after, I was a Negro. I remember
those days, but not fondly. In 1968, James Brown wrote a song called "Say It Loud - I'm
Black and I'm Proud." Honestly, I was a fringe fan of JB but the song was a hit and I was
8 years old. Even at 8 though, the song resonated deeply in me. In fact, it's the only song
that has ever changed my life. I realized then that I was Black and I was done being
anything else. If there is pride in being Black, then I have to learn to be proud. When the
whole African American thing came along, I felt like it was cool for those who wanted to
be called something new but I've already been defined. Besides, how can we have a
unique identity if we reclassify ourselves every decade? If we are "Black and proud," let's
leave it at that. I was the weird, quiet kid in my neighborhood. Too much thinkin'.

Anyway, Mr. Obama has done something so amazing that I can't find words to tell people
how I feel about what has happened. I know that America has voted for a Black man and
that this is beyond historic. Monumental isn't even a big enough word. I also know that
the fact that he is Black is not what is important here. The important thing is that America
has chosen to be great once more and move forward toward enlightening the world. What
am I talking about?! The important thing is that we voted for a Black man! No, the
important thing is that we are moving onward and upward. Are these things equally
important? Must be. So, now you see why I have had trouble in gathering my thoughts. I
so seldom have two wonderful things to choose from.

Soon, I will get back on track but right now, I'm kinda just too Red, White, and Blue to
focus on anything else.
                        Hard at Work Redesigning Man

I've been thinking about changing the make-up of the human for some time now. I'm not
talking wings and superhuman strength, I mean adapting some of the abilities of our
fellow creatures that would make us better but not much different than we already are.

Hearing - Not a supersonic change, just an adjustment. A third ear. An ear on the back of
the head so that we can hear multi-directionally. That ear would be like a bird's or
reptile's ear, a hole without an actual ear covering (keep your hair trimmed around your

Sight - Just a bit better at distance and much better in the darkness.

Smell - Return to what man's sense of smell probably was when we first left the caves.
Pheromones mean very little these days.

Touch - Take that tickle crap away. We should be able to touch each other anywhere
without bursting out laughing.

Sleep - Four hours should be enough and it should come easily, like an on/off switch.

Teeth and Bones - Both need to be a bit harder. Teeth should grow back when lost or

Strength - Half times stronger than we are now. Muscle fiber equal parts muscle and
oxygen (that buoyancy will help us swim better).

Pain - Our pain threshold should remain as is. Our ability to lessen it with our thoughts
should be whatever each individual chooses (some of us kinda dig a little pain).

General - All tissues regenerate. Life span, 175 years. Lung capacity enhanced to three
times current ability. Vastly improved immune system. Our brains will more rapidly
begin opening up so that we have greater use of the parts that we aren't using now.

I can see that this will never end. There are a ton of other improvements that we could do
with. We could get rid of the bad breath thing and replace it with the smell of cinnamon.
                              This is Only a Test

If you dislike the gross and unpleasant, please skip this article immediately. I'm about to
tell two true tales of my most embarrassing bathroom mishaps. It's gonna get odd.
When urination is imminent, the male of the species has a distinct advantage over the
female - external genitalia. We also have a nasty drawback when we are at full bladder
and on the way to the toilet. As we unzip or unbutton or loosen our drawstrings, our
brains tell our urethras to open wide and begin the flood. The female may have the same
desire at that time, I wouldn't know. It usually happens when we are thirty feet away from
the desired drainage site. This is where our advantageous outer genital companion comes
in handy - literally. We have the option of manually pinching the tip and circumventing
the stream until we make it all the way to the rim (that's why we don't always have time
to lift the seat). Well, about a year and a half ago, I was on that journey and I knew that I
would make a mess of the floor perhaps twenty feet ahead of plans. I pinched. My
bladder resisted. I pinched harder and tried to waddle faster. My urethra, obviously angry
over some past infraction, joined in with my bladder and threatened release. I pinched
harder still. Luckily, my hand is stronger than my internal organs. I won the battle but
they won the war. I made it to the toilet, even managed to lift the seat. When the moment
came, I released and let fly with a powerful surge of bloody urine. Oh yeah! It burned
like hell too. I managed to break a few blood vessels and fill my throne with a crimson
tide. Good times.

About four months ago, I had an engagement with my pal the potty. After a fairly
pleasant visit, I flushed and was ready to begin my boring day, when something caught
my eye after the flush. It was perhaps a half-inch long, and...swimming. The look of
wonder on my face must have been a site to behold but I didn't get a chance to see it. A
moment later, the swimmer was joined by two fellow swimmers. Kinda thick and stubby,
dark little worms were frolicking in the water. Horror hit me. I just flushed, now there are
parasites in my fresh toilet water. Where else could they have come from? Damnit! I told
my wife and she told me exactly what to do. I ignored her and pretended that it was an
acid flashback, even though I've never done acid. The following day, I checked again and
found a happy little swimmer. My head is thick but not too thick. I took my wife's advice
(plea) and called the doctor. Now, we've just switched to a new doctor and I'd only met
her once before. She is an attractive young woman. In fact, her name is Dr. Yeung.
Telling a doctor out loud that I have worms is embarrassing but, I'm an American male,
and telling a pretty young woman that I have some critters coming out of my rectum is
gonna be really difficult. Jesus, guys are idiots. I called her and she actually answered.
Damnit! I fessed up and she was ultra cool. She said, "Take a stool sample and bring it
in." "Okay. How exactly do I do that?" I asked, as if we were talking about how one goes
about setting up a tripod or something equally innocuous. "Just take a teaspoon sized
sample and put it in a ziplock bag, then put that bag in a brown paper bag and bring it in.
I'll be here until six this evening. Let the nurse know when you arrive and I'll have her
bring you in to me and we can have tests done to see what's going on." Wow! Is she cool
or what? So, I do my duty (worst pun ever?). I enter the office looking like the world's
biggest fourth grader with his bag-lunch and the nurse asks me what I'm there for. I lean
over the desk toward her so that I can whisper my shame and she gives me the evil eye.
"Do you mean, you brought in a stool sample inside that bag in your hand?" Apparently,
the doctor neglected to tell Nurse Ratched my situation. "Yeah, Dr. Yeung told me to just
bring it in." "No, no, no. You have to do it here and put it in this bottle. Just take it in that
bathroom and put the sample into the bottle." Right. Thanks a ton for speaking at a
normal volume so that everyone in the waiting room knows now what I've brought for
lunch. I take the little plastic bottle, that also has some kind of fluid in it, into the
bathroom and do the old switcheroo. Later that evening, I go into my throne room to
expel a bit of urine, only to find a couple of swimmers enjoying a leisurely skinny-dip. It
seems that our plumbing has cracked because of the roots of our bastard of a Sycamore
tree and that some worms have found their way into the pipes. This was later confirmed
by my beautiful young doctor a week or so later when she called to tell me that I indeed
did not have parasites. Good times.
Pay close attention to the next bolt of lightning you see. In that burst of furious electrical
energy, that jagged jolt of voltage, your life can be explained.

While watching a storm and thinking about life, I discovered the connection between us
and one of nature’s most amazing phenomena. Every hot blue jag and jerk that you see is
a fork, a path that’s chosen almost whimsically. Every choice that you make is the fork
that takes you down the odd path of your life. We’re both hurtling blindly toward an end
that we don’t comprehend; yet we are unable to avoid that which we are inevitably drawn
to. Our sharpest minds tell us that the bolt is searching out that point on Earth that will
ground and diffuse it. Our highest ethical leaders tell us that we are on the path to
Forever. I believe that we are on the same path. Lightning and man are plunging forward
to a grounding. I don’t believe that lightning is gone because we no longer see it. It is
within the Earth and part of it forever, as are we. We all live on, whether in the Earth or
somehow above it.
                            Jennifer Heading Home

My wife, son, and I were watching a movie last night in the living room. It's none of your
business what it was. Okay, it was “Under the Cherry Moon”. Happy now? Anyway, my
wife had to run upstairs for a minute. As soon as she got to the top of the stairs, she yelled
down to us, "I think there's a bad accident outside." Since we hadn't heard a thing and the
movie was at a scene where cars were racing, we assumed she was hearing the movie
downstairs. She called me again and said, "hurry up and get out there! Someone's
screaming." I ran up the stairs to take off my pajama bottoms and throw on some pants.
When I got upstairs I heard a shrieking like I can't describe. Wait, yes I can - it sounded
like a woman on fire being drawn and quartered. I threw on my pants, yelled down to my
son to call 911, then ran out of the door. Three doors down, a BMW was upside down
and two other cars were in a heap in front of the smoking Beamer. I ran to the BMW and
tried to open the door. No way. The weight of the car had smashed it down so that the
openings of the windows was maybe 15 inches. I couldn't crawl in and the woman inside
couldn't crawl out. Remarkably, she seemed okay. She had been thrown into the
passenger's seat and was talking to her On-Star system. They were talking her through the
accident and calling 911. I went to the next car, which was empty. I looked all through
the car to find a victim but none were in sight. Now, several people had come out of their
homes and a crowd was gathering. An Asian woman with a cell phone to her ear came to
me and told me that it was her car and that she was okay. I tried to get her to sit on the
curb but she didn't want to. Now, the scream came again. Nice and piercing. I ran to the
third car and found a young woman pinned under her dash. She was still sitting in her
seat but the dash had been rammed into her and her legs were jammed underneath. Her
car was filled with the dust/smoke from her airbags and she was gasping and crying. The
driver's door was a mess of shrapnel. It was welded shut by the collision. I pulled the
window out and let out some of the dust. Just then, a woman came over and said that she
was a nurse. I moved to let her do her thing. I went to the passenger's side door and broke
it open. More dust emptied from the car. Glass and her personal items were everywhere.
The screaming came again. She looked toward the door where I was and stuck out her
right hand. There was that moment again. That instant when someone needed me more
than anything else in life. I sat down beside her and took her hand. She squeezed it tightly
and begged me to take her out of the car. I told her that I couldn't get her out, even though
I wanted to. I also knew that she shouldn't be moved but I didn't tell her that. I could see
that her legs were not coming out, no mater how I tried. She was afraid of the car being
on fire and said she didn't want to burn to death in the car. I told her that the smoke was
only the airbag dust and that I wouldn't leave her side. She was in tremendous pain but all
that I could do was be there and talk to her. So, I talked to her. I know so much about
Jennifer now (except her last name). It took the fire/rescue people 25 minutes to get there.
That's a long time when you're in pain and scared. By the time they got there, I knew
where Jennifer worked, that she was on her way to her parents house, that she wasn't
allergic to any medication, and that she felt really bad about being overweight. While I
was holding her head and soothing her, I also found a huge lump on the back of her head
that she didn't realize was there. She knows about it now, I'm sure. When help finally got
there, they had to use the Jaws of Life to cut her out of the car. I went to her as they put
her into the ambulance, held her hand, and said goodbye. I think she's okay. Probably just
a badly broken leg.

Two hours later, I had to leave to pick my daughter up from work. On the way, I hit a
Raccoon. Didn't kill it but it was kinda punchy after meeting my car.

So, what did you do last night? See any good movies?
                          How Does Stop Happen?

How do you stop things that are unstoppable? Can you ever end all communication with
the universe? How does one stop drives or wishes? I think God screwed up by not giving
us reset buttons or immediate sleep buttons with programmable alarms like clocks. Little
button in the left armpit that we could click and go into some kind of hypersleep in which
we don't need food and don't lose muscle tone. A hibernation dial.

How many of you would be asleep right now?
                         Who Will I Eventually Kill?

In the 70's, my father asked me to deliver a package for him to a friend who had an office
in Century City (a small non-city area in West Los Angeles). While driving around in this
unfamiliar area, looking for an address, I was kinda sorta not really paying attention and a
woman stepped off the curb and began crossing the street in front of the teenaged me. To
be fair, she was kinda sorta not paying attention too but she wasn't housed in metal like
me. So, the screeching of tires began and she froze, awaiting certain death. My last
second swerve saved her life. We just sorta stared at one another for a long
uncomfortable moment through my windshield. My heart was beating like a
Hummingbird and I assume hers was too. That woman was Dionne Warwick.

About 6 years ago, I was driving at night in the rain - looking for a parking space. I was
late for the movie that was starting soon but I was paying attention. This time it was a
guy who decided to cross the street. Dark night, rain, and he was wearing black pants,
black shirt, and a black leather coat. He thought that he was running fast enough to make
it but he was wrong. So, again the screeching happened and again my swerve saved a life.
What the hell was Ben Stiller thinking? He gave me a little nod once I came to a stop as if
to say, "Thanks for not ending my life on this dark wet street." You're welcome, buddy.
Hey, at least this time, I had car insurance.

Okay, I didn't almost kill Tom Jones but he walked in front of my car a few months ago.
No screeching involved but he did look at me through the windshield like celebrities past
and, for a split second, I must admit that I had a fleeting moment where I thought, "Hey, I
could kill Tom Jones right now." The thought passed and I watched him walk to his Rolls
                                The Mighty Oak

I've been in a strange funk lately. Stuck in something like drying liquid latex. I'm not
terribly sad or anything, just sorta unable to move. I've even got some new happiness in
my life but I'm still not moving.

Today, I thought, maybe a walk is in order. One this voyage I came across a tree in my
neighborhood that I never really noticed before and, for the life of me, I don't know why.
This Oak is maybe the most amazing plant that I have ever seen. Not the kind of thing
that one can just walk by. This is a must-sit-beneath kinda tree. So, I sat. Before long, I
noticed that no one was within sight, so I began telling the tree my story. If you know me,
you know my stories start off sad and weird. Three stories in, the wind kicked up and
some of the branches began to make a sound like laughter. No despair here. I went to
college and I know a few things about a few things. Trees can't laugh at you, no matter
how pathetic they think you are.

I continued telling the tree my stories. I guess the wind picked up. Before long, I began to
feel a bit like a schmuck. My sorrow seemed a piddling thing with this giant tree laughing
at my heartbreaking melancholy. I decided at this point to begin telling this tree about my
joy. I mean, if I tell a laughing tree happy tales and the laughter continues, I will therefore
be happy with my reflected delights.

The laughter continued and even grew stronger. My psyche is weak. The laughter threw
me and I felt laughed "at" instead of “with”. My grief kicked in and this mocking monster
brought me to a point less than I thought possible. I got to my feet and began to trudge off
toward home...defeated and afflicted.

Yeah, that's all a crock of shit. I just thought writing something tonight might make me
feel not quite so stuck in this hell-deep mire that I'm in. It didn't work but I used up 9
minutes of time, so that's a good thing.
                  Odd Mumbo Jumbo Hoodoo at the YMCA

I had one of those days yesterday. The kind of day that had me trying to smile even
though I was scowling on the inside. Lots of sarcasm. Not sure why the mood was
strangling me or at least not willing to admit what was bothering me. I decided to go to
the Y and work out real hard, you know, burn the shittiness away. My son and I went to
the weight room and I must have been really over-doing it because he was watching me
as if I were a stranger. Even with all the lifting and pushing and pulling, the funk was like
a halo.

Before long I remembered a tried and true method of feeling better. Make someone else
feel better. I looked around the room and my eyes were immediately drawn to an Asian
woman in her mid-forties. She was a bit hippy (as in large hips), fairly dowdy, and
intently working out. I watched her peripherally. She worked without looking at anyone.
She had the withdrawn, private look of a woman without a real sense of self. She
finished, then stepped out of the workout room and went to the pool deck just outside. I
gathered my stuff and walked up to her. I stood beside her and she didn't even look at me,
she stared out at the empty pool (apparently someone had a little “accident” in the pool
and they had to shut 'er down for a few hours). Okay reader, here's where you come in -
you've got to follow my lead and do this on occasion. I said, "Excuse me, hello." She
looked at me slightly startled. She smiled and looked at the floor, then slid to the side
because she was positive that she was standing in my way. She made herself very small
and scootched (that should be a word!) against the wall so that I could pass by. "I'm
sorry," she said. "No, I just wanted to say something to you." Confusion crossed her face
but she kept her head pointed toward the floor as she looked up into my eyes. "You are
beautiful. I just wanted you to know that you're a beautiful woman." She blushed and
sighed at the same time. Her smile was more impressive than I would have thought. I was
right, she was really beautiful. I mean, I actually thought that she was an average looking
woman until she smiled. "Oh, I haven't heard that in a very long time. I don't know what
to say. Thank you." I returned her smile and walked away. You have to walk away. You
won't want to but you have to or you're just some guy hitting on her. I walked out the
door and the halo was gone. 30 seconds later, I went back and opened the door. She was
still standing there smiling. She looked at me. "I meant to say absolutely gorgeous, not
just beautiful." Her smile was so big it kept her from speaking. I walked away again.
Walk away!

Now, I'm feeling good and sitting naked in a little wooden room that's dimly lit and 170º.
A fat White guy comes in and sits down for a much needed sweat. I call him fat because
his belly was bigger than mine and if your belly is bigger than mine, you're fat. I am the
dividing line between "you need to lose some weight" and “a fat guy”. He started talking
about being out of work, which turned to Obama and his plans for lowering the
unemployment figures, which turned to national healthcare, which turned to "Excuse me,
if my Redneck comes out but it's all these fuckin' Messicans messin' things up for the rest
of us. Immigrants and affirmative action are gonna bring this country down faster than
any faggy disease. Don't get me wrong, I ain't got nothing against anybody. Hell, one of
the best times of my life was meeting Brownie McGhee and talkin' to him about his life
and what he went through, then we went together and took a piss in the same trough. Can
you imagine that? Takin' a piss next to Brownie McGhee! I'm just sayin'. Not two weeks
ago, I was sittin' right here in this sauna and Deepak Chopra was sittin' right over there.
You know what he said to me? He said, ‘Listen, you don't have to worry about working
out and trying to build muscle or lose fat. Eat what you like, my friend. Your body is
telling you what it wants to eat and how it wants to be.’ Well, buddy I gotta get outta this
heat. I've been in here too long today. You take care.”

Some might be slightly offended by his conversation but I was refreshed by it. Racism, in
fact, most isms are best right out in the open. The only thing that I focused on in that
extremely odd conversation was the idea that Deepak Chopra might have joined my gym.
What the hell? I think either there was a Chopra look-alike hanging out in West LA or
that Deepak was really here and couldn't take this guy’s bullshit, so he decided to give
him advice that would surely make his heart burst. Whatever, it made for an adventure.
                             My Thirst For Water

I wish to be the river. Not bound by my past, looking at my image in today's mirror, nor
hoping for goodness in my future. I am trying to become understanding. I am realizing
that I am all of these things - past, present, and future. With that realization I am working
toward making my consciousness appreciate and accept that truth.

I wish to be the river. The river is at the mouth, the fork, the melting snow high in the
mountains, the mist above the rapids - everywhere at the same time. It dies and becomes
the fog and the rain and snow and once again the river. It is the unending cycle that I am.
It is all things as am I.

In the words of Bruce Lee, “Empty your mind. Be formless. Shapeless, like water.
Now, you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle, it
becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow
or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

Now that I know this, I must learn to live this.
                           Women are F-ing Stupid!

Sorry. I know that many of the people who read this may be women. I'm not talking
about you, I'm talking about women.

Men are your downfall. You listen to every little bird that whispers in your ears telling
you how to attract and/or keep a man. There is only one rule to finding a man - be alive.
If you are alive, there is a man out there who wants you. Our DNA tells us that we must
find women and "continue the species." We already want you. There's no need to inject
your lips with whatever today's fad says is cool (your own belly fat is the way to go!).
Why the hell do you need to paint your lips ultra red? Why do you lightly brush a reddish
schmutz on your cheeks? Why do you put exotic colors around your eyes and falsely
lengthen your lashes? Do you know why you do this? I do.

During the sex act (whatever your favorite act may be), your face, neck, and chest flush
with blood giving you a colorful blush. Your pupils dilate, making your eyes look bigger.
Somewhere along the line, you were told that having that climax look all the time would
make men attracted to you. Not a bad theory but, as with anything, too much is a bad
thing. If you look that way all the time, then the effect wears off and you end up looking
painted. Why are we still asking you to paint yourselves and why are you doing it?

In the animal kingdom, the male is usually the colorful one who must fight for, dance for,
sing for his plain looking mate. How did this flip with humans? If you were smart, you'd
be working on flipping it back. The race could use a good flip. The weak, fat, short, bald,
dumb guys might get bred out. Would that be a bad thing? Maybe.

Maybe in time, men will redevelop the ability to smell your natural pheromones and
perfume will be unnecessary. Flip it. Bleaching your hair, squeezing into a dress that
doesn't fit you, fretting over your hips and waistline, all things of the past.

Pretending that fashion turns us on is a mistake. There has never been a man on Earth
who noticed that your fingernails were peach but your toenails were mauve. If a man ever
would notice that, it wouldn't stop him from being with you. If a man ever noticed and
decided that he didn't want to be with you, you're lucky - he's not human.

Also, stop saying, "I do it because I like looking good for myself." Lie, lie, lie. Big giant,
steaming, stinking lie.
                                    11 Days

Have you ever noticed your life whipping past you in a revolving door? I seem to take a
step back and watch it sometimes. I see tomorrow coming and that whole déjà vu thing
kicks in. If I sit and watch long enough, I can see 11 days into the future.

It's gonna be weird/painful but, if I hold my breath and pray to my goddess, the next day
will come and I can breathe and be filled with hope and love again.

Know what I mean? If you do, you've got issues. Just take it from me, life is a kick
because on that twelfth day...

I'm swimming in bliss once again.
                           So, That's What Auburn Is
                                        For PLB~

I sat at a light today, waiting with windows down, breathing the filthy exhaust from the
surrounding cars. One of those all too familiar moments in life when absolutely nothing
is going on inside of my head. Blank slate. Freshly shaken Etch-a-Sketch. Peripherally, I
saw this woman about to cross in front of my car. My eyes scanned her without me
asking them to. For reasons that it alone knows, my brain went into slo-mo mode.

She was remarkably unremarkable. Even contradictory. Long and lanky with a small
paunch. I looked at her face, taking in her nose, lips, eyes, cheekbones and everything
else that comprises face. I still can't describe her. It was as if there was nothing about her
that the word ordinary didn't cover. The only thing that I recall is the slight furrow of her
brow. Tiny worry lines.

I watched her pass, carrying a small brown bag (or maybe it was a purse), wind not
exactly blowing her hair but being swept back by her stride. Now, her hair, that was
something that I can describe. It was what I assume is Auburn. Being colorblind sucks. It
was brown/red - am I right with Auburn? Good. There was no style to her hair. In fact, it
was a bit stringy and fell across her shoulders and back in incongruent lengths. It was just
kinda there, dangling to the center of her back - uncared for. I imagine that it probably
didn't even have a particular smell. Not like shampoo or chemicals or that wonderful
"woman" smell that many of you have naturally.

I watched her continue on past me, coming closer to the end of whatever journey that she
was on. Walking home to make dinner for some guy named Scott or Adam. Those worry
lines were thanks to him. They would deepen and stretch too. You see, she had made that
fatal mistake that we all make at some point in our lives - she told him once, early on,
that she would do anything to make him happy. We all know that when you tell someone
that, they will inevitably make you put your money where your mouth is. Now, she has to
do anything. She said, "I'll go through hell or high water to show you how much I love
you, Scott/Adam." He's giving her the hell part first. He'll test her backstroke later.

Her car insurance just took a jump for no reason and her brother needs to admit that he's
an alcoholic already. Worry lines. She goes to the gym four times a week and that
damned tummy is laughing at her. Worry lines. She's afraid of the news that she might
hear tomorrow when she goes in for her mammogram and what will Scott/Adam do if
something should happen to her? Worry lines. She's on the cusp of being too old for
children and, deep down, she knows that Scott/Adam would be the world's worst father.
Worry lines.

The light is still red and I can feel the limp hair falling across my shoulders. My mouth is
dry and I taste the bitter coffee breath that's built up on my tongue. These fucking shoes
pinch and I'm tired of walking. I'm going to make meatloaf tonight and Scott/Adam is
going to complain that we had meatloaf two weeks ago. I'll never have a child and I'm
getting fat regardless of what I do.


Okay green light, I get it. Drive on. I have to go where I was going and stop being her.
The thing is...I can't stop being her. Neither can any of us. I am her. We're all her. I have
seventeen thousand things going on inside me and I can't see the rest of the glorious
planet that's rotating underfoot. I have to worry about this package of shit that I've
created. As if any of it is important. As if I can change most of it anyway. I have today
and this breath that I'm taking right now. Everything else is not really in my control and
I'd only ruin it if I could control it all. We're all ants really. We're digging in the dirt,
claiming stuff, collecting stuff, looking for more than we have, shuffling the crap from
the left to the right until we're happier with it. It's still crap. We have to learn to be happy
with happy when we find it. Happy is small and doesn't last as long as we want it to, so it
must be appreciated - no matter how small a burst of happy we get.

With a clearer mind, I can describe that woman now. She was absolutely magnificent.
She'll never see herself that way though. Too much on her mind. Too many things to do.
Too busy growing worry lines.
                                         Don't Get Me Wrong...

I love this country. I loooove this country! I would calmly and happily give my life to
protect this land.

That being said, I have always felt this weird ambivalence about celebrating the 4th of
July. I don't know the exact age that this odd feeling began, I only know that it was pretty
early in elementary school. I have a tiny problem with my people having a party for this
date that ought to be sorta looked at as the anniversary of a bad joke.

Thiis iis tthe day tthatt we jjump up and down and lliightt ffiirreworrks because we gaiined ourr
 Th s s he day ha we ump up and down and gh ewo ks because we ga ned ou
ffrreedom ffrrom Brriittaiin.. Key worrds beiing "we" and "ffrreedom.." Thatt had tto sttrriike att lleastt a
    eedom om B a n Key wo ds be ng "we" and " eedom " Tha had o s ke a eas a
ffew off ourr ffoundiing ffattherrs as kiinda awkwarrd.. "II''m now ffrree tto keep sllaves and rrun a
   ew o ou ound ng a he s as k nda awkwa d " m now ee o keep s aves and un a
pllanttattiion wiitthoutt ttaxattiion ffrrom my opprressorrs.." Amaziing how tthe human miind can
 p an a on w hou axa on om my opp esso s " Amaz ng how he human m nd can
paiintt tthe piictturre tthatt iitt wantts tto see..
 pa n he p c u e ha wan s o see

Now,, rrerread tthe ffiirrstt senttence and enjjoy tthe helll outt off wherre we've come ffrrom and
Now e ead he s sen ence and en oy he he ou o whe e we've come om and
wherre we wantt tto go..
whe e we wan o go

Peace and llove tto allll..
Peace and ove o a
                                          Soull Suckerrs
                                          Sou Sucke s

On a cooll Monday morrniing iin Beverrlly Hiillls,, II satt wiitth a Caffffè Amerriicano
 On a coo Monday mo n ng n Beve y H s sa w h a Ca è Ame cano
Enerrgy+Ciinnamon Dollce Latttte ttopped wiitth lliightt Whiippiing Crream.. The dew was jjustt
 Ene gy+C nnamon Do ce La e opped w h gh Wh pp ng C eam The dew was us
burrniing offff tthe lleaves off tthe pllasttiic Chrrysantthemum nearr tthe outtdoorr WiiFii ttablle wiitth tthe
 bu n ng o he eaves o he p as c Ch ysan hemum nea he ou doo W F ab e w h he
bestt rrecepttiion iin tthe wholle jjoiintt.. II was ttakiing iin tthe beautty off tthe morrniing and hopiing tto
 bes ecep on n he who e o n was ak ng n he beau y o he mo n ng and hop ng o
ffiind sometthiing iintterresttiing fforr my eyes tto lland on.. Lo and beholld,, II ffound my ffocall poiintt..
    nd some h ng n e es ng o my eyes o and on Lo and beho d ound my oca po n
A man,, who coulldn'tt have been morre tthan 55,, was giiviing hiis dog a llesson iin beiing outt
 A man who cou dn' have been mo e han 55 was g v ng h s dog a esson n be ng ou
and aboutt wiitth panache..
 and abou w h panache

II calllled hiim a man a second ago,, fforrgiive me.. Thiis beiing was a monumentt tto tthe malle off
   ca ed h m a man a second ago o g ve me Th s be ng was a monumen o he ma e o
tthe speciies.. Talll,, ttanned ((perrhaps ttoo ttan – a biitt beyond brronze)),, rrobustt,, welll drressed,, and
  he spec es Ta anned pe haps oo an – a b beyond b onze obus we d essed and
a shock off ochrre haiirr tthatt was mostt lliikelly tthe modell fforr tthe worrlld's mostt agrreeablle
 a shock o och e ha ha was mos ke y he mode o he wo d's mos ag eeab e
ttoupee.. Allll tthatt tthe worrd "viigorr" iimplliies..
  oupee A ha he wo d "v go " mp es

II calllled hiis pett a dog niine seconds ago,, agaiin II mustt apollogiize.. Thiis caniine was,,
   ca ed h s pe a dog n ne seconds ago aga n mus apo og ze Th s can ne was
wellll....adorrablle ((butt cutterr tthan tthatt worrd iimplles)).. The kiind off aniimall tthatt woulld make an
 we ado ab e bu cu e han ha wo d mp es The k nd o an ma ha wou d make an
olld brroad lliike Leona Hellmslley lleave herr fforrttune tto iitts perrpettuall upkeep and happiiness..
 o d b oad ke Leona He ms ey eave he o une o s pe pe ua upkeep and happ ness

The genttlleman and tthe delliighttffull balll off fflluffff,, wallked sllowlly and carreffullly,, alllowiing
 The gen eman and he de gh u ba o u wa ked s ow y and ca e u y a ow ng
ttheiirr rrespllendence tto be captturred ffrrom alll anglles.. II have yett tto appearr tthatt siigniiffiicantt,, so
  he esp endence o be cap u ed om a ang es have ye o appea ha s gn can so
II have sometthiing tto llook fforrwarrd tto.. The tthoughtt tthatt my day off beiing tthatt guy woulld
   have some h ng o ook o wa d o The hough ha my day o be ng ha guy wou d
come,, warrmed me eiightteen ttiimes as much as tthe cup off prrettenttiious shiitt tthatt II was
 come wa med me e gh een mes as much as he cup o p e en ous sh ha was
drriinkiing.. My iiniittiiall tthoughtt was,, "You go,, boy!!" My nextt tthoughtt was,, "Why,, Dearr
 d nk ng My n a hough was "You go boy " My nex hough was "Why Dea
Lorrd,, diid II jjustt tthiink tthe mostt iinane,, genderr questtiioniing tthoughtt everr conceiived by a
 Lo d d d us h nk he mos nane gende ques on ng hough eve conce ved by a
human iin tthe enttiirre hiisttorry off tthiis pllanett?"
 human n he en e h s o y o h s p ane ?"

Those tthoughtts quiicklly diied when my perriipherrall viisiion caughtt tthe rrapaciious marrch off
 Those hough s qu ck y d ed when my pe phe a v s on caugh he apac ous ma ch o
tthe conquerriing horrde.. Fourr,, miid--tteen aged giirrlls werre on ttheiirr oblliiviious miissiion off doom..
  he conque ng ho de Fou m d een aged g s we e on he ob v ous m ss on o doom
Thiis wasn'tt jjustt a smalll gagglle off prrettty young giirrlls,, tthese werre prrettty young giirrlls iin
 Th s wasn' us a sma gagg e o p e y young g s hese we e p e y young g s n
Beverrlly Hiillls.. The onlly tthiing morre desttrructtiive tthan a smalll gagglle off prrettty young giirrlls
 Beve y H s The on y h ng mo e des uc ve han a sma gagg e o p e y young g s
iin Beverrlly Hiillls iis a smalll gagglle off prrettty young giirrlls iin Beverrlly Hiillls who know iitt.. The
  n Beve y H s s a sma gagg e o p e y young g s n Beve y H s who know The
viirriille on courrse wiitth tthe viirrall.. He neverr had a chance..
 v e on cou se w h he v a He neve had a chance

As the ignorant cluster of ingénues neared the dumbstruck duo, I could see what appeared
(from a distance) to be waves - not unlike heat waves on a hot horizon - surrounding the
lasses. Not until some time later, did I understand that to be the volume of oxygen around
them expanding and thus contracting from elsewhere. Said elsewhere was the protective
bubble of oxygen that the man and the puffball inhabited.

The girls seemed to coalesce as they neared the man and animal. The girls never once
glanced away from one another. Their chatter never dipped and the universe followed
them, as it does.
Ten feet from contact, the girls' ambience broke the protective bubble and began to suck
the vitality from the man. I swear, I saw his hair and tan tremble and fade. He fought with
all that he had within. He smiled at them with a smile that demanded their attention.
Fruitless. His skin only became paler and his hair grayed and fell from his head en masse.

Five feet from contact, he aged twenty years and shrank three inches. His chest
constricted from lack of oxygen and he became simply a man walking a dog. The female
cluster remained indifferent, which hastened the effects on the man. Their self-absorbed,
self-important, self-imposed sense of entitlement ground the man into submission. He
gasped for air and stared at them with wilting eyes.

Contact! To the band of beings, there never was a man and a dog. "There is only where
we're going, what we're saying, what we're doing, what we've done, and who we are."
The Sun revolves around these precepts.

Meanwhile, a sturdy man out on a lively walk was reduced to a memory of what hearty
men once were. His pet, however, was unchanged. Still cute and cuddly and
unconcerned. The dog continued to accept his master without, apparently, noticing the
changes that the man and I had gone through. In time, he may regain his composure and
become manly and full of vim again. He's got to learn to cross to the other side of the
street sometimes though.

I've got to stop going to Beverly Hills and attempting to enjoy a greatly overpriced cup
                                Spell Caster
She whispered in my ear, "Tell me a secret."

I turned quickly but no one was there. Weird. Weird even for me. I continued walking
down the dark street. The howling wind must have been what sounded so clearly like a

"Close your eyes," the whisper came.

I began walking faster. I had to get off this unfamiliar street and find myself. I was
obviously beginning a hallucination that I was unprepared for and I felt the need to be in
a world I recognized.

"Close your eyes and you will see me," she said.

The fear was welling in me to a degree that I had never felt before. I began to jog toward
a distant light. The jog soon became an all out sprint. I could still hear her faint laughter,
even though I was panting heavily and out of breath. My heart fell as my lungs burned
and my mind realized that the light was unreachable. That light had been the Moon and
the chances of me ever getting there were extremely slim. I fell to my knees to catch my
breath. I closed my eyes, on the verge of collapse.

She lay on the grass before me. Sunlight glowing on her curvaceous, dewy, nude body.
She laughed at me and kicked a shapely leg into the air.

"If you open your eyes I'll go away. If you want to stay here with me, you have to keep
your eyes closed," she said without looking at me.

"Who are you? Where am I and how did I get here?"

"Questions. Men never tire of questions. If the day comes when all of your questions are
answered, then you will have nothing left to live for," she said. She turned to me now.
Her smile was beguiling.

"I have to know who you are."

"If I told you that my name is Jaslim, would that make you happy?" She asked.

"Where am I?"

"Serbia," she answered.
"How did I get here?"

"You closed your eyes. Would you like to stay here with me?" She asked.

"Yes. I mean, maybe. How do this real?"

"Do you feel the sunlight on your face? Can you smell the breeze? Do you see me before
you? What is real and is real really what you want? If you doubt this reality, then open
your eyes," she said softly.

I awoke in bed. I have so many new questions to ask her. Serbia's a long way to go to
find what's real.

Maybe when I close my eyes tonight...
                   Our Culture Must Hurt Them to the Core

On the cusp of the second decade of the twenty-first century, the Afghan Taliban treated
the world to a display of Islamic (Sharia) law. They proudly sentenced two human beings
to be publicly stoned to death by a mob of two hundred men who were only too happy to
do so; a mob that included the relatives of both victims as well as bystanders galore.

The couple’s crime was that of loving each other and wanting to marry. However, the
woman refused to marry the relative to whom she had already been promised. Thus, they
had both rebelled against cultural, tribal, and religious expectations.

The couple, 25-year-old Khayyam and 19-year-old Siddiqa ran away. Both were lured
back home by relatives who promised them that permission would be granted for them to
marry. It was a ruse. Once back, they were subjected to Afghan Islamic justice,
Taliban-style and were stoned to death. Siddiqa was forced to wear her burqa to her

This must be understood as a cultural honor killing, similar to the Afghan Taliban
punishments of women who have fled dangerously abusive and child marriages. The
Taliban cuts off their noses and ears—merciful by their standards compared to stoning.

Covering women from head to toe is the manifestation of a fear not of women but of
what beauty/natural attraction does to these men. They fear themselves. Their desire
factor. It must be hard to live with the fear that viewing human beauty will drive you to

If you follow the logic, there should be no rape in the hardline Islamic world. Also,
women would seemingly be revered. If they are so completely covered by burqas, it
follows that they are special. If not special, then why is their Heaven filled with virgin
women? That sounds like the treat at the end of a well-lived life to me.

Our obsession with beautiful people of both sexes flies in the face of everything that they
believe. If you lived in a culture where the female form was completely concealed,
wouldn't you just hate a society that flaunted its bikini-clad nubile women?

Yet, they love us too. They must wish to be us but religious law dictates otherwise. They
watch our movies and listen to our music and eat our food. That push and pull must be
friggin' maddening.

Ronald McDonald’s statue stands at the entrance of many McDonald’s restaurants in
these countries with his hands folded, as if in prayer or supplication.

"I hate everything you stand for but Big Mac's are damned delicious."
Gotta be literally hard to swallow.
                              Araignée Gigantes!

My living room. Last night. Biggest spider in the known universe, sitting by my fireplace
contemplating a new world order.

This thing was huge. Did I say huge? Well, it was bigger than that.
I don't think the word spider applies to this creature.
I don't think this was an actual terrestrial being.
It was big enough to drive a school bus but at least three legs would be dragging behind.
I believe Satan would fear this thing.
After looking at it, if you avert your eyes, you can still see it.
Each of its eight legs had three more legs.
Four of these things on our side and that whole ugly mess in Iraq/Afghanistan would be
I'm sure it probably usually feeds primarily on horses and bears.

In a fit of courage (does courage come in fits?), I ran over and stomped it. It grabbed me
by the leg and flipped me. My catlike reflexes kicked in and I pirouetted midair and went
back on the attack. Everything became a blur at that point. When I awoke, the thing was
dead and my house was in ruins.

Of course, even I don't believe everything that happened in this tale. I mean, the creature
was dead. No human - yes, including me - could possibly have killed that monster.
Batman or Ironman or one of those "man" guys must have had a hand in it.

What the hell?

I went from one Ambien to one half and my subconscious is talking. I haven't done or
said anything damning (that I know of) but I am a talker when I black out on Ambien.

I (apparently) posted this on my Facebook page yesterday.

“Muslim extremists. Grande latte. Paris Hilton. Oprah's stamp of approval. Caligula.
Donald Trump. Sean "Puffdaddy" Combs. The homeless junkie that asked you for money
recently. Pope Benedict. Dubai. The cancer riddled old lady who will die tonight in a
hospital bed. The conflict in Sudan.

We focus on and celebrate the extreme instances of humanity but we rarely take a stand
for or against them. As a group, maybe something visible gets semi-accomplished. We all
take some unknown and uncredited credit for it because "America" stepped in somewhere
and made it "appear" like something positive happened on our behalf. As a person, you
have no idea what deal was made or what devil WE shook hands with. You agree with
whatever CNN decides to tell you.

How involved have you ever been in knowing what's going on out there and making a
difference? A real difference. Not a tax-deductible donation to an organization that has a
name that sounds as though it can make something happen?

Get your hands dirty or shut the hell up! You're just saying, "I wish/hope things get better
over there in that country that I'll never even visit." Lip service. Our generation will be
famous for looking directly at changing the world through a two-way mirror. We can
easily identify our problems but we dare not look them directly in the eye. That might
take effort and responsibility.

Joan Baez and John Lennon and almost everyone their age told us that we could change
the world but it might take one person at a time making a difference. They weren't full of
shit, you just didn't listen and believe in them

So, what makes me think you might believe it when I say it?”

Wow! It seems that I have a lot on my mind when I have no control over my thoughts.
                                Village Woman

In Los Angeles, there is a faux village surrounding UCLA called Westwood. Just several
square blocks of stores designed to draw in tourists but surviving on the cash of the
favored college crowd. I drive through the area often – at least 5 days a week. Short cut
home kinda thing. Well, for many years now I’ve seen a woman who sits and reads on
the grass just outside of UCLA Hospital. She is a homeless woman but you would not
know it by passing her only once, even if you looked very carefully.

I cannot pass by her corner without looking intently at her. Clean. Well kept. Youngish.
Minimal. Often smiling and gazing upward. On several occasions, I have driven by to see
her with her sweater hood down and her flowing hair, freshly brushed and beautiful.
There is definitely something striking about this woman. I wouldn’t call her beautiful but
I dare you to see her standing there in her glory and try to look away. Just damned

No “Will Whatever for Food” or “Please Help” sign. She sits and she reads a newspaper
or a novel. There 90% of the time. She has two small rolling luggage cases beside her at
all times. She sleeps exactly where she sits during the day. She sits when she sleeps. I
have never seen anyone talk to her or give her money and her hand is never out when
someone walks by. I have never seen her in the village proper, though I assume she goes

Each day when I drive past, I stare and tell my son that I am drawn to this woman and
one day I will stop and talk to her. He thinks, no he knows, I’m crazy and that it’s all talk.
He’s wrong. I can’t live my entire life without making some kind of contact with this
woman and I don’t know why. I’m not curios about who she is or how she came to be
where she is. I want to know more than that. Those things are cosmetic and vapid. I don’t
want to ask her 19 questions and hear her answers, I would like to sit and talk to her.
Again, I don’t know why. Human connection thing in me, I guess.

Well, the idiot did it yesterday. I parked and dropped a quarter into the parking meter and
approached her as she serenely did a crossword puzzle. With each step, my brain
wondered, “What the hell are you doing and how do you start this conversation, you
fool?” I did it like any other awkward conversation that I’ve ever started, “Hi, my name is
Brian, can I talk to you for a few minutes?” She looked up at me with brilliant, piercing,
blue/green eyes (I say blue/green because I’m colorblind and I only know that her eyes
weren’t brown) almost sweetly and said, “What are you going to give me? What will you
do for me?” Not ready for that one. My shitty side immediately thought, “What do I owe
you?” Not cool. Not why I’m here. Regroup.

The conversation was halted at every turn with a sly smile and a sarcastic/bitter “What’s
in this for me?” She thwarted my every attempt to reach out as a human and make contact
with a fellow human and maybe get to know someone – no matter how briefly. I didn’t
want a lifetime commitment either. I think that I wanted to say hello, maybe honk and
wave when I pass by. Hell, I have had thoughts of bringing her food from time to time
and books and maybe stopping by and taking her for coffee or lunch on the odd
opportunity that I had a few minutes and a few extra bucks to spend on a “friend.” I pass
her very often on my way to the YMCA. I could easily pick her up and take her with me
where she could take a shower and have a swim in a nice big beautiful pool. Hang out in
the women’s locker room for an hour or so, watching TV or whatever. Maybe stop for a
burger on the way back. Human contact kinda thing.

I finally gave up and walked back to my car. Hell, I left feeling like she owed me a
quarter for my meter time. Complete disillusionment. I sat in my car, opened my sunroof
and looked up at the sky. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen clouds configured more
beautifully. I sat in my luxury SUV on my way to spend money on things and money on
gas while on my way to get those things. Things that I could definitely live without. I
thought about my last blog post and my privileged life. In a way, she is richer than I am. I
have a nice home filled with a lot of shit, she has everything else. Those clouds are her
ceiling. The world outside of the walls of my house belong to her. Those were my
thoughts. Naive and contrived. I was trying to make this all make sense and fit into my
mind my way. Bullshit.

I tell myself that she’s got this quiet dignity because I’ve never seen her beg. I’ve never
seen her sneeze either but I’m willing to bet that she does. I have put my imagination at
work on her and told myself that she’s somehow above or better than the ragged
homeless lunatic who digs through the garbage and mumbles obscenities to passing
women. What the hell do I know? I haven’t walked in her shoes. I have no idea what her
perspective is. Perhaps she came to this place on Earth because some horrendous, evil
shit happened. So, this tall Black guy comes walking up out of the blue with a smile and a
bunch of stupid fucking questions. Maybe she’s right, what is in that for her? I just got
out of a Land Rover, her issues are probably a little more immediate than mine.

I felt that way for a while but my day was still a little off. I want more. I want more for
her. “What are you going to give me?” I’d like to give you more than your heart desires. I
can’t though. We’re all confined by our lives and none of us can ever have enough. Still,
I would like to give her something. Even if it were something trite. I would even be
satisfied writing a real story about her – whatever she wants her real story to be – and
take a few pix and try to force the LA Times to publish her story. Maybe she wouldn’t
get the monetary benefit that she seeks but who knows what she might gain by talking to
me and making that human contact thing? Then again, when I said to her that I’d like to
talk to her for a few minutes and write a story about her, her reply was, “So, that’s what
you want to do for you, what do you want to do for me?”

Maybe she’’s rriightt.. The human conttactt tthiing doesn’’tt pay welll..
Maybe she s gh The human con ac h ng doesn pay we
                                         9--11 IIsn'tt Even a Reall Datte!!
                                         9 11 sn' Even a Rea Da e

Okay,, II have tto say sometthiing -- even iiff iitt's tthe wrrong tthiing ((llott off tthatt goiing on llattelly))..
Okay have o say some h ng even                       's he w ong h ng o o ha go ng on a e y

II've been hearriing a llott off 9--11 hoax ttallk llattelly.. II''m nott herre tto commentt aboutt whettherr orr
   've been hea ng a o o 9 11 hoax a k a e y m no he e o commen abou whe he o
nott iitt was "us" orr "tthem" who made tthe ttowerrs ffallll.. The 2,,985 who diied tthatt day
 no was "us" o " hem" who made he owe s a The 2 985 who d ed ha day
prrobablly carre lless aboutt who diid iitt tthan tthe ffactt tthatt ttheiirr lliives werre ttaken.. II doubtt tthatt
 p obab y ca e ess abou who d d han he ac ha he ves we e aken doub ha
tthey werre consiiderriing a conspiirracy as tthey burrned,, explloded,, choked,, and ffelltt tthe
   hey we e cons de ng a consp acy as hey bu ned exp oded choked and e he
agoniiziing paiin off beiing crrushed tto deatth.. II don'tt tthiink tthe ffiirremen,, on ttheiirr way tto tthe
 agon z ng pa n o be ng c ushed o dea h don' h nk he emen on he way o he
ttowerrs,, werre ponderriing whettherr orr nott ourr goverrnmentt pllanned tthiis and gott tthe majjorr
   owe s we e ponde ng whe he o no ou gove nmen p anned h s and go he ma o
news nettworrks tto hellp tthem pullll offff tthiis mastterr sttrroke..
 news ne wo ks o he p hem pu o h s mas e s oke

IIs iitt possiiblle tthatt ourr belloved goverrnmentt orr "tthe chosen ones behiind tthe currttaiin" had a
  s poss b e ha ou be oved gove nmen o " he chosen ones beh nd he cu a n" had a
siigniiffiicantt hand iin tthiis attrrociitty? Welll,, we have had a hand iin some viiollenttlly uglly shiitt
 s gn can hand n h s a oc y? We we have had a hand n some v o en y ug y sh
befforre,, no doubtt.. II don'tt know.. How coulld II possiiblly know? The US Gov iis tthe deviill II
 be o e no doub don' know How cou d poss b y know? The US Gov s he dev
know.. II wiillll buy tthe sttorry tthatt tthey ttelll me because iitt alllows me tto conttiinue wallkiing tthiis
 know w buy he s o y ha hey e me because a ows me o con nue wa k ng h s
pllanett.. II coulld check outt websiittes tthatt publliish "tthe ttrrutth" butt tthatt's tthe deviill tthatt II don'tt
 p ane cou d check ou webs es ha pub sh " he u h" bu ha 's he dev ha don'
know.. Besiides,, anytthiing tthatt anyone ttellls me orr tthatt II rread iis a sttorry ttoo,, iisn'tt iitt? Wiitthoutt
 know Bes des any h ng ha anyone e s me o ha ead s a s o y oo sn' ? W hou
perrsonall and diirrectt iinvollvementt,, how coulld any off us know anytthiing tthatt we arren'tt
 pe sona and d ec nvo vemen how cou d any o us know any h ng ha we a en'
iinvollved iin? Does tthe goverrnmentt lliie tto us? Everry siinglle ttiime tthe Sun rriises.. Thank
  nvo ved n? Does he gove nmen e o us? Eve y s ng e me he Sun ses Thank
goodness tthatt we can allll choose tto belliieve tthe biitts and piieces tthatt we wantt.. IIff you
 goodness ha we can a choose o be eve he b s and p eces ha we wan                                         you
pounded tthe pavementt unttiill you gott "tthe ttrrutth" iin tthiis mattterr and ffound tthatt WE diid tthiis
 pounded he pavemen un you go " he u h" n h s ma e and ound ha WE d d h s
iin orrderr tto llaunch a warr agaiinstt ourr "enemiies,," how woulld you ffeell? Woulldn'tt iitt make
  n o de o aunch a wa aga ns ou "enem es " how wou d you ee ? Wou dn' make
tthe worrlld apprreciiatte us morre? Even iiff you diid nott votte fforr tthose rresponsiiblle,, diid tthey nott
  he wo d app ec a e us mo e? Even you d d no vo e o hose espons b e d d hey no
grrow ffrrom ourr culltturre? Arren'tt tthey prroductts off ourr sociietty? We prroduced tthem and we
 g ow om ou cu u e? A en' hey p oduc s o ou soc e y? We p oduced hem and we
prroduced you.. You arre tthem and tthey arre us..
 p oduced you You a e hem and hey a e us
II am okay wiitth tthe sttorry off tthe deviill II know.. IItt hellps me peaceffulllly rrememberr my ffrriiend
   am okay w h he s o y o he dev know he ps me peace u y emembe my end
Ruben Orrnedo,, who had tthe miisfforrttune off beiing on a busiiness ttrriip tthatt ended when hiis
 Ruben O nedo who had he m s o une o be ng on a bus ness p ha ended when h s
pllane crrashed iintto tthe Penttagon,, whiille hiis prregnantt new brriide waiitted att home fforr hiim..
 p ane c ashed n o he Pen agon wh e h s p egnan new b de wa ed a home o h m

Okay,, you wantt tthe ttrrutth? Thiink you can handlle iitt? II have allways known whatt rrealllly
Okay you wan he u h? Th nk you can hand e ? have a ways known wha ea y
happened butt II diidn'tt tthiink tthe worrlld was rready.. You asked fforr iitt,, now you've gott iitt!!
happened bu d dn' h nk he wo d was eady You asked o                                now you've go

Rod Serrlliing ffaked hiis deatth and he and Leiiff Garrrrett arre tthe semii--mastterrmiinds behiind
Rod Se ng aked h s dea h and he and Le Ga e a e he sem mas e m nds beh nd
9--11.. Rod,, Leiiff and ottherr cellebrriitty llumiinarriies ((II''m sttiilll iinvesttiigattiing who tthe ottherr
9 11 Rod Le and o he ce eb y um na es m s                                        nves ga ng who he o he
conspiirrattorrs miightt be)) sttaged tthe wholle tthiing because tthey werre conttactted by tthe
consp a o s m gh be s aged he who e h ng because hey we e con ac ed by he
Kellllogg company and ttolld tto crreatte a diiverrsiion and a warr whiille Kelllogg secrrettlly sneaks
Ke ogg company and o d o c ea e a d ve s on and a wa wh e Ke ogg sec e y sneaks
hiigh llevells off Ziinc and Sodiium Benzoatte iintto Corrn Fllakes and Riice Krriispiies..
h gh eve s o Z nc and Sod um Benzoa e n o Co n F akes and R ce K sp es

Now tthatt you know,, bewarre off yourr brreakffastt..
Now ha you know bewa e o you b eak as
                                      Purrsuiitt off tthe Malladiies
                                      Pu su o he Ma ad es

Att tthe gym rrecenttlly,, II wentt tto my llockerr afftterr a niice llong Jacuzzii.. Felltt lliike a hundrred and
 A he gym ecen y wen o my ocke a e a n ce ong Jacuzz Fe ke a hund ed and
fforrtty--seven bucks.. Warrm,, rrellaxed,, on ttop off tthe worrlld.. When II gott tto my llockerr,, II saw
  o y seven bucks Wa m e axed on op o he wo d When go o my ocke saw
tthatt iitt was surrrrounded by tthrree ollderr genttllemen.. Coiinciidenttallly,, tthey had rretturrned tto
  ha was su ounded by h ee o de gen emen Co nc den a y hey had e u ned o
ttheiirr llockerrs siimullttaneouslly and tthe gym gods pllaced ttheiirr llockerrs att odd and
  he ocke s s mu aneous y and he gym gods p aced he ocke s a odd and
uncomfforrttablly cllose anglles tto me and miine.. They werre att varriious degrrees off undrress orr
 uncom o ab y c ose ang es o me and m ne They we e a va ous deg ees o und ess o
drress -- II coulldn'tt rreallly ttelll whatt was goiing on.. Alll tthrree werre norrtth off seventty and
 d ess cou dn' ea y e wha was go ng on A h ee we e no h o seven y and
seemed nott tto nottiice one anottherr orr me..
 seemed no o no ce one ano he o me

Whatt tthe helll,, II squeezed iin ttherre somewherre and began drressiing.. II was one lleg iintto my
 Wha he he            squeezed n he e somewhe e and began d ess ng was one eg n o my
underrwearr when tthe man tto my llefftt seemed tto drrop everry sttiittch off hiis cllotthiing alll att
 unde wea when he man o my e seemed o d op eve y s ch o h s c o h ng a a
once.. He was unbutttoniing hiis shiirrtt one miinutte,, tthe nextt he was sttarrk naked.. II'm nott surre
 once He was unbu on ng h s sh one m nu e he nex he was s a k naked 'm no su e
aboutt tthe exiisttence off God butt II do know tthatt God diidn'tt make tthiis guy iin hiis currrrentt
 abou he ex s ence o God bu do know ha God d dn' make h s guy n h s cu en
fforrm.. Frrom hiis waiistt tto hiis ttoes,, he was paiinffullly tthiin.. Thiis waiistt--down--man appearred iin
  o m F om h s wa s o h s oes he was pa n u y h n Th s wa s down man appea ed n
diirre need off a combo pllatte off sometthiing ffatttteniing wiitth a doublle desserrtt tthrrown iin fforr
 d e need o a combo p a e o some h ng a en ng w h a doub e desse h own n o
good measurre..
 good measu e

 F om h s wa s o h s ches an anoma y o B b ca p opo ons was go ng on t s my
Frrom hiis waiistt tto hiis chestt an anomally off Biiblliicall prroporrttiions was goiing on.. IIt iis my
belliieff tthatt he was smugglliing tthrree watterrmellons and siixtty--ffiive pounds off rriice iin hiis
 be e ha he was smugg ng h ee wa e me ons and s x y ve pounds o ce n h s
miid--body caviitty.. Hiis sttomach wasn'tt diisttended because diisttended iis a 9 lletttterr worrd and
 m d body cav y H s s omach wasn' d s ended because d s ended s a 9 e e wo d and
tthatt doesn'tt coverr whatt was goiing on ttherre.. II have no iidea how hiis spiindlly llegs supporrtted
  ha doesn' cove wha was go ng on he e have no dea how h s sp nd y egs suppo ed
tthe mass above tthem.. Then,, lliike some Penn & Tellllerr iilllusiion,, he ttaperred down and had
  he mass above hem Then ke some Penn & Te e us on he ape ed down and had
tthe mostt sunken chestt and gauntt fface you've everr seen.. II llooked iintto hiis eyes and wantted
  he mos sunken ches and gaun ace you've eve seen ooked n o h s eyes and wan ed
tto orrderr tthatt combo meall agaiin..
  o o de ha combo mea aga n

II shoulldn'tt have done tthe eye conttactt tthiing tthough.. He smiilled and saiid hellllo,, tthen tturrned
   shou dn' have done he eye con ac h ng hough He sm ed and sa d he o hen u ned
ffullll on ttowarrd me and II saw tthe worrlld's biiggestt outtttiie bellly buttton.. My gorrge ttrriied tto rriise
  u on owa d me and saw he wo d's b gges ou e be y bu on My go ge ed o se
butt II ffoughtt iitt offff.. Obviiouslly,, tthiis guy has some horrrriiffiic ttumorr orr a tthrree hundrred ffoott
 bu ough o Obv ous y h s guy has some ho                                    c umo o a h ee hund ed oo
llong ttapeworrm doiing naughtty tthiings down ttherre.. II don'tt wantt tto buy a ttapeworrm a
  ong apewo m do ng naugh y h ngs down he e don' wan o buy a apewo m a
combo pllatte,, so II smiilled back and concenttrratted on getttiing my underrwearr iin pllace..
 combo p a e so sm ed back and concen a ed on ge ng my unde wea n p ace

II llooked tto my llefftt and mett tthe kiind fface off olld guy numberr ttwo.. Norrmall bellly,, nott ttoo
     ooked o my e and me he k nd ace o o d guy numbe wo No ma be y no oo
tthiin.. Sootthiing acttuallly.. II satt on a sttooll tto gett tto worrk on my socks,, tthen iitt happened..
  h n Soo h ng ac ua y sa on a s oo o ge o wo k on my socks hen happened
Whiille llookiing down att my own ffeett,, II happened upon hiis.. They llooked eerriilly lliike ttwo
 Wh e ook ng down a my own ee happened upon h s They ooked ee y ke wo
eggpllantts.. Att lleastt 30,,000 bllood vessells had burrstt on each ffoott and tthey llooked lliike
 eggp an s A eas 30 000 b ood vesse s had bu s on each oo and hey ooked ke
brruiise.. Nott lliike brruiised ffeett,, lliike brruiise iittsellff.. Befforre II coulld llook away -- II ttrriied,, belliieve
 b u se No ke b u sed ee ke b u se se Be o e cou d ook away                                                      ed be eve
me II ttrriied -- II glliimpsed one purrplle biig ttoe.. IItt was headed Eastt on a ffoottlliike brruiise tthatt was
 me         ed g mpsed one pu p e b g oe was headed Eas on a oo ke b u se ha was
headed Norrtth.. The ttoenaiill was poiinttiing diirrecttlly att tthe lliitttlle ttoe,, tthrree ttoes away..
 headed No h The oena was po n ng d ec y a he                                         e oe h ee oes away

IIff II had tto guess hiis age,, II''d say tthatt he was 74.. Hiis ffeett werre werre att lleastt....Plleiisttocene..
        had o guess h s age d say ha he was 74 H s ee we e we e a eas P e s ocene
On ttop off tthatt,, wiitth everrytthiing tthe guy diid,, he made a lloud commentt.. He pullled on a ttee
 On op o ha w h eve y h ng he guy d d he made a oud commen He pu ed on a ee
shiirrtt and siighed,, "Oh boy!!" Putt on hiis wattch,, "Good heavens!!" Liitttlle dab off deodorrantt,,
 sh and s ghed "Oh boy " Pu on h s wa ch "Good heavens " L e dab o deodo an
"Whoa!!" Everry movementt came wiitth a sttattementt..
 "Whoa " Eve y movemen came w h a s a emen
Okay,, gett tthose socks on and gett moviing,, Brriian!!
Okay ge hose socks on and ge mov ng B an

II cllosed my eyes and putt my socks on verry crrookedlly.. II sttood up,, pulllled on my pantts and
   c osed my eyes and pu my socks on ve y c ooked y s ood up pu ed on my pan s and
began tto hurrrry iin drressiing.. Sometthiing wasn'tt siitttiing rriightt iin my head.. II wasn'tt grrossed
 began o hu y n d ess ng Some h ng wasn' s ng gh n my head wasn' g ossed
outt and ttrryiing tto escape tthiis surrrreall momentt.. II....II don'tt know whatt iitt was.. II needed tto gett
 ou and y ng o escape h s su ea momen                               don' know wha was needed o ge
goiing.. Thatt's when II nottiiced fforr tthe ffiirrstt ttiime a rrhytthmiic whiisttlliing behiind me.. II don'tt
 go ng Tha 's when no ced o he s me a hy hm c wh s ng beh nd me don'
know how II had gone so llong,, ttakiing iitt fforr grrantted.. Whatt diid my brraiin conviince iittsellff tthe
 know how had gone so ong ak ng o g an ed Wha d d my b a n conv nce se he
sound was? A sttrrong brreeze iin a piinwheell ffacttorry? Why diidn'tt my brraiin allerrtt me tto tthiis
 sound was? A s ong b eeze n a p nwhee ac o y? Why d dn' my b a n a e me o h s
sound befforre? Was iitt overrlloaded wiitth ottherr subjjectt mattterr att tthe momentt?
 sound be o e? Was ove oaded w h o he sub ec ma e a he momen ?

Okay,, tturrn arround and llook att tthe llastt guy.. Shiitt,, you know you have tto have tthe ffulll
Okay u n a ound and ook a he as guy Sh you know you have o have he u
complliimentt off aged men,, so gett iitt overr wiitth.. Decrrepiitt ttrriiffectta,, herre II come..
comp men o aged men so ge ove w h Dec ep                                     ec a he e come

Compllettelly grray,, sweett llookiing guy jjustt getttiing drressed.. Exttrremelly olld guy.. Prrobablly
Comp e e y g ay swee ook ng guy us ge ng d essed Ex eme y o d guy P obab y
nearr orr on ttop off 90.. Prrobablly once had skiin coverriing hiis body iinsttead off tthiis anciientt
nea o on op o 90 P obab y once had sk n cove ng h s body ns ead o h s anc en
parrchmentt.. Apparrenttlly unablle tto admiitt orr emiitt aiirr wiitthoutt prrobllem.. Lung iissue.. Damn
pa chmen Appa en y unab e o adm o em a w hou p ob em Lung ssue Damn
shame.. miightt expectt wheeziing,, nott whiisttlliing.. Harrd tto brreatthe,, II gett iitt.. Purrsiing
shame S              one m gh expec wheez ng no wh s ng Ha d o b ea he ge                                      Pu s ng
yourr lliips wiitth each iinhalle and exhalle makes a whiisttlle tthough.. Who am II tto jjudge,,
you ps w h each nha e and exha e makes a wh s e hough Who am o udge
especiialllly when II have no iidea whatt tthe guy's iissue acttuallly iis? Sttiillll....
espec a y when have no dea wha he guy's ssue ac ua y s? S

Alll II coulld tthiink aboutt was,, "II'lll bett dogs arre ffrriiggiin'' ffolllowiing tthiis guy allll day llong.."
A cou d h nk abou was " ' be dogs a e gg n o ow ng h s guy a day ong "
Crruell tthoughtt.. Sttupiid tthoughtt,, bad boy.. Awffull rreallly.. Sttiilll....
C ue hough S up d hough bad boy Aw u ea y S

Okay,, gett tthe helll outt off herre now.. Thrrow on tthe shiirrtt and hiitt tthe rroad.. The unknown
 Okay ge he he ou o he e now Th ow on he sh and h he oad The unknown
ffeelliing had crrawlled up my back and was prreparriing tto sttrranglle me ffrrom behiind.. The
  ee ng had c aw ed up my back and was p epa ng o s ang e me om beh nd The
llockerr rroom was ffeelliing crrowded suddenlly.. Tiime tto go..
  ocke oom was ee ng c owded sudden y T me o go

Olld Guy #4!!!!!! Whatt tthe hellll? Wherre diid he come ffrrom? He'd somehow miinglled hiis way
 O d Guy #4 Wha he he ? Whe e d d he come om? He'd somehow m ng ed h s way
iintto tthe miiddlle off tthiings and he was sttarriing rriightt att me.. Grray head and ffullll ttanglled bearrd..
  n o he m dd e o h ngs and he was s a ng gh a me G ay head and u ang ed bea d
Kiinda lliike Rasputtiin wiitthoutt tthe eviill scowll..
 K nda ke Raspu n w hou he ev scow

You know how someone getts yourr atttenttiion and tthey holld iitt and you can'tt llook away
You know how someone ge s you a en on and hey ho d and you can' ook away
because you know sometthiing's aboutt tto happen? Liike tthey''rre aboutt tto ttellll you sometthiing
because you know some h ng's abou o happen? L ke hey e abou o e you some h ng
off grreatt iimporrtt.. Yeah,, welll he had me lliike tthatt.. He ttook a sttep clloserr and smiilled..
o g ea mpo Yeah we he had me ke ha He ook a s ep c ose and sm ed

"Fiive morre ffuckiing days unttiill ffuckiing Chrriisttmas!! Whuddya have tto say aboutt tthatt?"
"F ve mo e uck ng days un uck ng Ch s mas Whuddya have o say abou ha ?"

Wellll putt.. Whatt coulld II possiiblly say aboutt tthatt? Therre iis no comeback fforr a sttattementt
 We pu Wha cou d poss b y say abou ha ? The e s no comeback o a s a emen
lliike tthatt iin a rroom ffiillled wiitth mosttlly naked,, iinffiirrm ollderr verrsiions off mysellff..
    ke ha n a oom ed w h mos y naked n m o de ve s ons o myse

Thatt's iitt!! II now knew tthe name off tthe crreepiing ffeelliing tthatt was sttallkiing me iin tthiis warrm
Tha 's            now knew he name o he c eep ng ee ng ha was s a k ng me n h s wa m
and moiistt rroom.. The bellly and brruiises and currved ttoes and crrap llungs werre tthe conttrrarry
and mo s oom The be y and b u ses and cu ved oes and c ap ungs we e he con a y
giifftts off age.. Allll II have tto do iis keep wakiing up and tthese tthiings wiilll ffiinalllly cattch me..
g s o age A have o do s keep wak ng up and hese h ngs w                                    na y ca ch me
None off us can outtrrun tthe purrsuiitt off age and iilllness.. One day,, nott ttoo ffarr ffrrom tthiis
None o us can ou un he pu su o age and ness One day no oo a om h s
momentt,, a youngerr man wiillll llook att me and ffeell tthe need tto rrun.. II hope tthatt he iis as fflleett
momen a younge man w ook a me and ee he need o un hope ha he s as ee
off ffoott as he tthiinks he iis.. II know bettterr butt II wiish hiim speed..
o oo as he h nks he s know be e bu w sh h m speed

II nodded tto tthe "ffuckiing Chrriisttmas" guy and wallked sllowlly outt off tthe llockerr rroom and
    nodded o he " uck ng Ch s mas" guy and wa ked s ow y ou o he ocke oom and
up tthe fflliightt off sttaiirrs tto my carr.. Those sttaiirrs arre sttiilll my ffrriiends now butt tthe day wiilll
 up he gh o s a s o my ca Those s a s a e s my ends now bu he day w
come when II wiilll drress sllowlly iin tthe llockerr rroom ttoo,, ttrryiing tto avoiid tthe nott so easy
 come when w d ess s ow y n he ocke oom oo y ng o avo d he no so easy
ttrrudge up tthose sttaiirrs..
    udge up hose s a s

Fiive morre ffuckiing days!! Chrriisttmas iis comiing fforr us alll..
F ve mo e uck ng days Ch s mas s com ng o us a

Merrrry Chrriisttmas!!
Me y Ch s mas
          Good,, Bettterr,, Bestt.. Then Morre Good,, Morre Bettterr,, Morre Bestt
          Good Be e Bes Then Mo e Good Mo e Be e Mo e Bes

Thiis iis a biitt off a cllearr miinded rrantt herre.. II admiitt tthatt II ttook hallff an Ambiien butt tthatt was
Th s s a b o a c ea m nded an he e adm ha ook ha an Amb en bu ha was
onlly ttwo miinuttes ago.. II''m ffiirriing on alll off tthe cylliinderrs tthatt sttiillll worrk..
on y wo m nu es ago m ng on a o he cy nde s ha s wo k

Whatt II'm aboutt tto say,, iis nott diirrectted att you.. II'm wrriittiing tthiis fforr you,, nott you.. II mean,,
Wha 'm abou o say s no d ec ed a you 'm w ng h s o you no you mean
you.. Okay,, II tthiink tthatt maybe you tthiink tthatt iitt's aboutt you butt iitt iisn'tt.. IIff you don'tt know
you Okay h nk ha maybe you h nk ha 's abou you bu                                         sn'      you don' know
whatt II''m ttallkiing aboutt,, iitt miightt be you..
wha m a k ng abou                    m gh be you

Why arre we who we arre? Why do we become someone ellse tto gett someone ellse iin ourr
 Why a e we who we a e? Why do we become someone e se o ge someone e se n ou
lliives,, tthen change who we werre iin tthe begiinniing iin an attttemptt tto tturrn tthem iintto who we
    ves hen change who we we e n he beg nn ng n an a emp o u n hem n o who we
wantted tthem tto be when we ffiirrstt mett tthem? We alll wantt tto be somebody's somebody..
 wan ed hem o be when we s me hem? We a wan o be somebody's somebody
The human iis llackiing a sttablle ffullffiilllmentt gene and tthatt iis sad..
 The human s ack ng a s ab e u men gene and ha s sad

Those off us who desiirre sttuffff wiitth ourr hearrtt and soull,, fforrsakiing alll ellse,, generralllly gett iitt..
Those o us who des e s u w h ou hea and sou o sak ng a e se gene a y ge
The prrobllem iis,, ttherre arre neverr enough sttacks off tthe sttuffff tto quench tthe hungerr..
The p ob em s he e a e neve enough s acks o he s u o quench he hunge

Those off us who seek a ffullffiillliing llove,, may ffiind iitt -- wiitth tthe hellp off tthe demiigods.. When
 Those o us who seek a u                 ng ove may nd              w h he he p o he dem gods When
we ffiind tthatt perrson and rrevell iin alll tthe beautty and wonderrffullness tthatt tthey arre and tthatt
 we nd ha pe son and eve n a he beau y and wonde u ness ha hey a e and ha
tthey brriing wiitth tthem,, we arre ellatted enough tto decllarre tthatt ourr lliives arre ffiinallly bllessed..
  hey b ng w h hem we a e e a ed enough o dec a e ha ou ves a e na y b essed
We see tthem,, we wiink,, we smelll tthem,, we kiiss tthem,, drream tthem,, wantt tthem,, desiirre
 We see hem we w nk we sme hem we k ss hem d eam hem wan hem des e
tthem,, can'tt lliive wiitthoutt tthem,, embrrace tthem,, and make tthem an iinttegrrall parrtt off ourr lliives..
  hem can' ve w hou hem emb ace hem and make hem an n eg a pa o ou ves
Ourr now muttuall lliiffe..
 Ou now mu ua e

As you know ffrrom experriience,, iitt generralllly pllays outt lliike tthiis --
As you know om expe ence gene a y p ays ou ke h s

Because we arre tthe crreatturres tthatt we arre,, we rrealliize tthatt alll off tthe llovelly gllorry tthatt we'd
 Because we a e he c ea u es ha we a e we ea ze ha a o he ove y g o y ha we'd
been cooiing overr,, now needs a ttweak herre and ttherre.. Welll,, don'tt tthiink you can ttweak a
 been coo ng ove now needs a weak he e and he e We don' h nk you can weak a
lliittttlle sometthiing wiitthoutt haviing yourr parrttnerr ttweakiing back att ya.. Soon,, tthe Vallhallla tthatt
          e some h ng w hou hav ng you pa ne weak ng back a ya Soon he Va ha a ha
you'd been lloungiing iin and lloviing tto yourr uttmostt becomes sometthiing a lliittttlle morre
 you'd been oung ng n and ov ng o you u mos becomes some h ng a                                    e mo e
 d s an

Whatt tthe helll happened tto you? Whatt tthe hellll have you done? Don'tt you rrealliize tthatt lliiffe
 Wha he he happened o you? Wha he he have you done? Don' you ea ze ha e
iis lliived -- iin iitts mostt rremarrkablle sttatte -- iin tthose lliitttlle momentts off perrffecttiion and tthe llove
   s ved n s mos ema kab e s a e n hose                                     e momen s o pe ec on and he ove
                                                  t on y ge s be e you can see ha ove bounc ng
tthatt you ffeell fforr tthe ottherr perrson? IIt onlly getts betttterr iiff you can see tthatt llove bounciing
   ha you ee o he o he pe son?
back tto you ffrrom ttheiirr eyes.. Everrytthiing iin bettween iis tthe grriitt and grriime off lliiffe.. Grriitt and
 back o you om he eyes Eve y h ng n be ween s he g and g me o e G and
grriime arre a mustt and dealliing wiitth tthem tto tthe bestt off yourr abiilliitty makes you a sttrrongerr
 g me a e a mus and dea ng w h hem o he bes o you ab y makes you a s onge
betttterr perrson.. You llose yourr euphorriia when you brriing tthatt grriime home and sprread iitt alll
 be e pe son You ose you eupho a when you b ng ha g me home and sp ead a
overr herr//hiim.. Thatt's tthe surrestt way tto gett grriimed iin rretturrn.. IIn grriime,, you botth llose and
 ove he h m Tha 's he su es way o ge g med n e u n n g me you bo h ose and
lliines arre drrawn iin tthe sand.. Grriime don'tt pay.. Converrsattiion dwiindlles and tthe house getts
    nes a e d awn n he sand G me don' pay Conve sa on dw nd es and he house ge s
chiilllly.. Now,, you''rre ffrrostty and you''rre nott surre why butt iitt had sometthiing tto do wiitth
 ch y Now you e os y and you e no su e why bu had some h ng o do w h
herr//hiim nott giiviing you whatt you needed..
 he h m no g v ng you wha you needed

And ttherre we have iitt.. Whatt “you” need.. Whatt jjustt happened bettween tthe ttwo off you? II
And he e we have Wha “you” need Wha us happened be ween he wo o you?
know exacttlly whatt and how iitt happened.. One off you,, perrhaps botth off you,, wantted morre..
know exac y wha and how happened One o you pe haps bo h o you wan ed mo e
Rememberr tthrree montths ago when alll you wantted was tto be iin herr//hiis prresence? Maybe
Remembe h ee mon hs ago when a you wan ed was o be n he h s p esence? Maybe
a smiille and a kiiss.. One off tthose hand--holldiing sessiions tthatt warrmed everry celll iin yourr
a sm e and a k ss One o hose hand ho d ng sess ons ha wa med eve y ce n you
body.. IIff she//he came overr and helld yourr hand rriightt now,, you'd wonderr whatt he//she was
body she he came ove and he d you hand gh now you'd wonde wha he she was
up tto wiitth tthiis obviious iimpendiing plloy.. The "II need//wantt morre" gott aholld and now
up o w h h s obv ous mpend ng p oy The " need wan mo e" go aho d and now
you'rre iin a combattiive sttance..
you' e n a comba ve s ance

IItt's nott onlly yourr ffaulltt.. You lliive on a pllanett wiitth ottherrs lliike you,, who ttaughtt you tthese
     's no on y you au You ve on a p ane w h o he s ke you who augh you hese
"skiillls.." IIn ffactt,, mostt off tthe ottherrs wallkiing on tthe fface off tthiis cellesttiiall body arre even
 "sk s " n ac mos o he o he s wa k ng on he ace o h s ce es a body a e even
morre grreed orriientted tthan yourrsellff.. You arre cattchiing up tthough.. Carreffull.. Ah,, tthe ottherrs..
 mo e g eed o en ed han you se You a e ca ch ng up hough Ca e u Ah he o he s
Yourr ffelllow pllanetteerrs arre worrkiing on "morre" att an allarrmiing rratte..
 You e ow p ane ee s a e wo k ng on "mo e" a an a a m ng a e

Look att tthatt biig Godfforrsaken,, abnorrmall,, muttatted,, llarrgerr tthan any deiitty iinttended Cow..
 Look a ha b g God o saken abno ma mu a ed a ge han any de y n ended Cow
Mmm Mmm good!! Makes yourr moutth watterr jjustt llookiing att tthiis genettiic monsttrrosiitty
 Mmm Mmm good Makes you mou h wa e us ook ng a h s gene c mons os y
tthatt we'rre hopiing tto gett biiggerr bettterr burrgerrs outt off and who wiilll allso giive offff enough
  ha we' e hop ng o ge b gge be e bu ge s ou o and who w a so g ve o enough
metthane tto open some REALLY REALLY BIIG holles iin tthe ozone llayerr.. Ozone llayerr?
 me hane o open some REALLY REALLY B G ho es n he ozone aye Ozone aye ?
Wonderr why tthey sttopped ttallkiing aboutt tthatt? Oh yeah,, OJ kiilllled some peoplle and
 Wonde why hey s opped a k ng abou ha ? Oh yeah OJ k ed some peop e and
Miichaell Jorrdan won 6 champiionshiips and tthe Worrlld Trrade Centterr wentt down,, tthen tthe
 M chae Jo dan won 6 champ onsh ps and he Wo d T ade Cen e wen down hen he
ensuiing warrs,, and iisn'tt Justtiin Tiimberrllake drreamy? Yourr miind iis somewherre ellse now..
 ensu ng wa s and sn' Jus n T mbe ake d eamy? You m nd s somewhe e e se now
The ozone llayerr wasn'tt magiicallly rrepaiirred.. We jjustt moved on.. Helll,, iitt hasn'tt kiillled you
 The ozone aye wasn' mag ca y epa ed We us moved on He                                    hasn' k ed you
yett,, rriightt?
 ye gh ?

Know whatt happens when we sttarrtt eattiing biiggerr sttrrongerr aniimalls ((tthatt we pllayed god
 Know wha happens when we s a ea ng b gge s onge an ma s ha we p ayed god
wiitth))? You guessed iitt,, baby.. We become tthe tthiings we wantt tto be.. Pllay God and you
 w h ? You guessed baby We become he h ngs we wan o be P ay God and you
coulld acttuallly become God.. Welll,, ourr ttwiistted llogiic says so.. Who's tto arrgue anyway? The
 cou d ac ua y become God We ou w s ed og c says so Who's o a gue anyway? The
cattttlle? No way,, we've conquerred and rreconceiived and ttaiillorred and rredesttiined tthem..
 ca e? No way we've conque ed and econce ved and a o ed and edes ned hem
IIff you say tthiis iisn'tt whatt we alll wantt,, you'rre eiittherr llyiing orr you’’rre an oddballl who iisn'tt on
     you say h s sn' wha we a wan you' e e he y ng o you e an oddba who sn' on
tthe rriightt ttrrack..
   he gh ack

You woulld tthiink tthatt because we know how good beiing wiitth tthatt speciiall perrson iis iin tthe
 You wou d h nk ha because we know how good be ng w h ha spec a pe son s n he
begiinniing,, we'd do alll wiitthiin ourr powerr tto ffiigurre outt how tto keep iitt new.. IIff we can make
 beg nn ng we'd do a w h n ou powe o gu e ou how o keep new we can make
a cow tthe siize off a Mammotth,, make ourr bodiies unrreasonablly outtrrageouslly musclled,,
 a cow he s ze o a Mammo h make ou bod es un easonab y ou ageous y musc ed
change ourr ffaces//bodiies tto tthe poiintt off non--rrecogniittiion and//orr sublliimelly rriidiicullous,, why
 change ou aces bod es o he po n o non ecogn on and o sub me y d cu ous why
has no one -- off tthe 6..8 biillliion peoplle lliiviing on tthiis bllue//grreen wonderr -- soughtt tto ffiind a
 has no one o he 6 8 b on peop e v ng on h s b ue g een wonde sough o nd a
 way o sus a n h s mos mpo an h ng ha a 6 8 b on o us cons an y seek? s
way tto susttaiin tthiis mostt iimporrttantt tthiing tthatt alll 6..8 biillliion off us consttanttlly seek? IIs iitt
rrealllly tthatt harrd orr coulld we everr be happy beiing sattiisffiied?
  ea y ha ha d o cou d we eve be happy be ng sa s ed?

IIff II coulld make you compllettelly and uttterrlly sattiisffiied,, woulld you be?
        cou d make you comp e e y and u e y sa s ed wou d you be?


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