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					           The Duck Times                                                                 ®

Toilets                     Enraged Flamingo                                               Two
Missing                                                                                   People
It seems that
all the
                             Attacks Student!                                              Die
facilities were
stolen from                                                                              World’s
High school                                                                               Largest
today. Police
say they have
                                                                                         House of
nothing to go                                                                              Cards

 Wig                   Thursday at Connolly Middle School an angry flamingo
                                                                                         Two people die
                       attacks Connolly student William Potts at precisely
Factory                10:21A.M. On the way to his fourth hour class. Within 20          when the worlds
                                                                                         largest house of
                       seconds the animal was captured and taken into custody.
Robbed!                “No comment,” says student Joshua stroke. William Potts           cards collapses at
Today there            received minor injuries. Only a black eye inflicted by the        the card house
was a robbery          clarinet case the flamingo happened to be carrying. The           building contest in
at the wig and         flamingo was taken to the phoenix zoo to be displayed in the      Washington D.C
tope factory.          killer animals exhibit along with the killer squirrels captured   See cards, page 3
Police are             around the world.
combing the
city.          .

                       Lock your doors! Board up your
                       windows! Hide your nuts! Because
Comics      p.2
Puzzles     p.3        The Killer squirrels are on the loose!                      Sunny and cool
                       Killer squirrels have been sighted on college campuses         High 76
National    p.3                                                                       Low 52
Weather     p.3        around the country. They have been attacking small children
                       for years, but none of us are aware of it. We go to           Details p.3
Jokes       p.4                                                                     Named only
Paranoid    p.5        Washington college in Chestertown, MD to investigate
                       further.                                                     News paper at
                                                                                   Connolly Middle
                       See Squirrels, Page 5                                          School!
   Two People Die When worlds
   Largest House of cards Collapses!
 Jared Janomie and Harry Hulking Both died yesterday when their card house collapsed on top
of them at the national “build your own house” card house building contest in Washington D.C.
They did not get crushed but died of frustration when their project they have been working on
for three years collapsed. Their last words were AAAHHH!!! Autopsyer guy Kevin Cooper
says “They actually died before the cards touched them, so they didn’t feel any pain.” There is
some good news, I Just saved a load of money on my car insurance by switching to Gieco.

It’s going to get darker tonight, with occasional stars.
Forecast for the next five days: Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

This Preacher's son asks his father,” Dad, can I have a car?" The preacher
 replies,", I will get you a car IF you get a haircut." Then his son says,” Dad,
 Jesus had long hair." "Yeah but he walked everywhere."

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a
 man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and
 says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay
 you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette
 $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock
 news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde.
 "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and
 says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do
 you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."

 She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches
 her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!!
 EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min.
 Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says
 "Yes, why?"

 The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."

Prime Minister Netanyahu and the Pope have a meeting to explore ways of finding an equitable settlement
 to the escalating problems in the Middle East.
 After days of getting nowhere, they decide in desperation to settle their differences by means of a golf
 match. The agreement is that if the Vatican's player wins, the Pope's views will prevail; if Israel's player
 wins, Netanyahu's methods will be employed.

 The Pope decides to recruit Arnold Palmer for the job, but his advisors object that Palmer isn't even a
 Catholic. "Not to worry," says the Pope. "We'll make him a Cardinal." Palmer is promptly ordained.

 The match is played, with the entire world aware that the fate of peace in the Middle East is riding on the
 outcome. Palmer loses.

 The Pope phones him after the match and gasps in disbelief, "Arnold, what happened?? We were sure
 you couldn't possibly lose!"
 Palmer replies, "So was I, Father I'm devastated. I trained for weeks to prepare for this match. But who
 could know I'd be up against Rabbi Tiger Woods?"
                  Paranoid Section
            Killer Squirrels On The loose at
                  Washington College
         Everyone knows of the abundance of squirrels on the WC campus, and most find the
furry rodents cuddly and charming. Now, however, the safety of the WC students and faculty
may be compromised by the appearance of a lethal cousin of the common ground squirrel.

Biology major Rufus McNamara was the first and so far the only person to see the dreaded
creature, "I was walking around campus, talking to myself, when, out of the corner of my eye,
I spotted what could only be the sleek body of a Sciuridae Horribilis."

The Sciuridae Horribilis, or grizzly squirrel, we are informed, is related to the Sciuridae
Sciuridae, which is commonly known as the ground squirrel, and the two can be difficult to tell
apart for laymen.

Unlike the ground squirrel the grizzly squirrel is exclusively carnivorous and unbelievably
aggressive. "They hunt in pairs and usually prey on birds, cats or other rodents, but in rare
cases they have been known to go after small children and even adolescents," says

The grizzly squirrel is usually only found in the city parks of Myanmar and Macau, and, if
confirmed, this will mark the first spotting on American soil.

McNamara speculates that it could have been brought here in the baggage of a careless or
even malicious exchange student, "Since 9/11 there has been an increased focus on weapons
and explosives in baggage control around the world. Unfortunately this has resulted in a
slacking of the screening for dangerous rodents."

One question remains: Is this the time to panic? McNamara, for one, thinks it is, "We can not
be too drastic in a situation like this. I have already advised that WC as well as Chestertown
and preferably all of Kent County be evacuated, until we know more."

Meanwhile, business major and fraternity brother James Pruitt casts some doubt on the
credibility of Rufus McNamara, "Rufus is a geek with no friends. Frankly, I think he would say
anything to get a little attention."

He continues, "Last year he claimed to have found a vaccine for Spanish disease. In the end it
turned out, the vaccine just consisted of not entering the few laboratories in the world that
keep the virus alive."

Adding to the controversy is biology professor Dick Young, "There is no such thing as a grizzly
squirrel. It is the figment of a demented mind, like Bigfoot and Santa Claus."

We urge extreme caution until the matter can be resolved beyond a doubt.