Jim Carrey leaves Letterman Speechless.pdf by tongxiamy


									The Waxhaw Gazette: Front Page                                                                                                                                                            Page 1 of 1

                                                                                                                                                                 Have the
                                                                                                                                                             Christmas Spirit?
                                                                                                                                                               Town Needs
                                                                                                                                                            Volunteers needed:
  118th Edition                                          Published Bi-Monthly, Every First & Third Friday                            November 19th , 2010 The Town of Waxhaw
                                                                                                                                                           Beautification Committee
                                                                                                                                                           will be delivering beautiful
                                                                                                                                                           fresh wreaths to the
                                                  Jim Carrey leaves Letterman Speechless                                                                   downtown Merchants to
                                                                                                                                                           hang on their doors on the
 Breaking News                                                                                                                                             morning of Tuesday,
                                                                                                                                                           11/23/10. If you would
 Photo Galleries                                                                                                                                           like to get into the holiday
                                           WAXHAW-                                                                                                         spirit and could lend a few
                                   Thursday November 18th, 2010                                                                                            hours to help deliver and
                                               by John Tiley
                                                                                                                                                           hang the wreaths, please
                                                                                                                                                           contact Terry Michaelson
                                  Here it is, midnight and I am up                                                                                         for complete details at
 Heald Over by Popular             late! Insomnia has set in and I                                                                                         christerry@windstream.net
                                 stare blankly at the TV wondering
 Business                          what I can write about for this
 Pg 1 Listings                   weeks paper. And to my disbelief
 Accountants thru                   and amazement I watch Jim
  Home Services
                                  Carrey, the original funny man...
 Pg 2 Listings
 Ice Cream thru Veterinarians.                         Read the entire
                                     story & view two film clips here>
 Church &

 Need a laugh today,
  there's always
  plenty in today's
  edition!                                                                          November 19th, 2010

 Local Weather
 Full Forcast here               By all accounts things here       Also per Kaliph, coming soon to a museum near you:       Christmas is yet another two
                                 in Waxhaw have been a bit                                                                  weeks closer with the
                                 on the quiet side this last                                                                Holiday Festival of Lights
                                 few weeks.                                                                                 and Noel Nights 12 Days of
    Weather Forecast                                                                                                        Christmas in Waxhaw will be
                                 I do understand that Crystal                                                               held on November 26/27,
                                 Jordan has been improving                                                                  2010 5-8pm... Carols &
 Advertising                     and that the suspected
 Sizes and rates
                                                                                                                            Carriage Rides and the
                                 culprits have been                                                                         lighting of over 50,000
 Links                           apprehended. According to         The Storefront Theatre is performing "A Christmas        Lights are among the
 See Past Shows &                Kaliph over at the Broome         Carol" this weekend at the Museum of the Waxhaws         evenings highlights!
   V isit other Web              Street Blues and a reference
  Sites of Interest.                                               on November 20 at 7:30p and November 21 at 2:30p.
                                 to an EJ no longer publicly                                                                Also Merchants will be open
 Archives                        available, she was upgraded       Storefront Theatre favorite Melvin Faris is Scrooge in   late for 2 special nights of
 past issues in PDF              from critical to serious          this new telling of the most heartwarming story of the   holiday cheer, discounts,
                                 earlier this week.                season. As you journey through the beloved Dickens       dining, caroling, cider,
 Contact Us
                                                                   tale, you’ll witness Ebenezer                            unique gifts.
                                                                   Scrooge’s discovery, over the course of one fateful
                                                                   evening, the true meaning of Christmas. And as you       Holiday Parade & Snack with
                                                                   are reminded of the beloved characters, generous Mr.     Santa will be held on
                                                                   Fezziwig, beautiful Belle, and sweet Tiny Tim, you       12/12/10 starting @ 3pm.
                                                                   too will say, “God bless us everyone.”                   Entries for the parade are
                                                                                                                            now being accepted.
                                                                   For more info or to buy tickets, visit The Storefront
                                                                   Theatre.                                                 For the complete 12 Days of
                                                                                                                            Christmas information go to
                                                                                                                            the Town's web site:

                                                                   Copyright © 2010 The Waxhaw Gazette
                                                           www.thewaxhawgazette.com | info@thewaxhawgazette.com
                                                               Waxhaw, North Carolina | Phone 704.650-0606

http://thewaxhawgazette.com/                                                                                                                                                               12/3/2010
Carrey on Letterman                                                                                                           Page 1 of 2

                                      Jim Carrey leaves Letterman Speechless
                      by John Tiley

                       November 18th, 2010

                       Here it is, midnight and I am
                       up late! Insomnia has set in and
                       I stare blankly at the TV
                       wondering what I can write
                       about for this weeks paper. And
                       to my disbelief and amazement
                       I watched Jim Carrey, the
                       original funny man with the
                       rubber face, giving David
                       Letterman conniptions.

                                                           so it seems fitting to turn those frowns upside down and inject
                         Now I am sure you are             some Carrey medicine into our lives. For any who have watched
                       wondering why I would chose         more than one episode of Letterman's show know that normally
                       such a topic for the paper, after   the guests are on to promote their new movies, albums or what
                       all my usual topics include         ever product they might be shilling at the time. Well Jim was no
                       typical town happenings,            exception as he does have a new movie out but true to form he
                       political rumblings and the         gave Letterman no corner captivating the audience... from the
                       ongoing opening and closing of      moment stepped on stage until the very end of his segment
                       restaurants antique shops and       where he smashes his “coffee Cup” on Davids desk in a satirical
                       developers not to mention the       finale of a very mmmm, how shall we say, intense attempt as a
                       occasional giant pot hole           singer!
                       around our fair town. Well
                       watching Jim Carrey do his
                       thing was such a breath of fresh
                       air I knew I needed share it
                       with all of you who quietly,
                       peacefully, slumbered through
                       night dreaming of parties and
                       turkeys soon to grace our lives.
                       And what with elections and a
                       such (finally behind us thank
                       heaven) there have been too
                       many somber topics intruding
                       on our days,

http://thewaxhawgazette.com/Stories/letterman-carrey.html                                                                      12/3/2010
Carrey on Letterman                                                                                                       Page 2 of 2

                        Rubber face, long skinny legs   all with Letterman relegated to the background obviously having
                      and arms all akimbo he never      lost complete control of the situation. It was great! And no
                      missed a chance to work the       matter what you think of Jim Carrey it was a Great Relief to be
                      audience. There was his dialog    totally overcome with humor for a change.
                      on becoming a grandparent, a
                      newly acquired bit where he
                      totally unnerves Letterman by
                      “undressing him with his eyes,
                      OMG! as my son might text...

                                                     Copyright © 2010 The Waxhaw Gazette
                                             www.thewaxhawgazette.com | info@thewaxhawgazette.com
                                                 Waxhaw, North Carolina | Phone 704.650-0606

http://thewaxhawgazette.com/Stories/letterman-carrey.html                                                                  12/3/2010
Weekly Humor                                                                                                                                                   Page 1 of 3

                 118th Edition                                          Published Bi-Monthly, Every First & Third Friday                            November 19th, 2010

 Inside:                                                                                                                                        HOW TO CALL
                                                          And now, Our Weekly                                                                   THE POLICE
  Breaking News                                               Dose of Humor                                                                     WHEN YOU'RE
                                                                                                                                                OLD AND
  Jim Carrey Story                                     directly from the Internet.....                                                          DON'T MOVE
                                               bits and pieces that your Editor will not testify to for correctness, accuracy nor even
                                                             believability but they are certainly humorous, So Enjoy!                           ANYMORE.
                                                                                                                                                George Phillips of
  Photo Galleries                                                                                                                               Meridian, Mississippi ,
                                                                                                                                                was going up to bed,
                                                                                                                                                when his wife told him
                                                                 Never pay it all up front!!                                                    that he'd left the light on
                                                                                                                                                in the garden shed,
                                                                                                                                                which she could see
                                                                     YACHT DELIVERY                                                             from the bedroom
  Business                                                                                                                                      window. George opened
  Pg 1 Listings                                                                                                                                 the back door to go turn
  Accountants thru Home
  Services                                                                                                                                      off the light, but saw that
                                                                                                                                                there were people in the
  Pg 2 Listings                                                                                                                                 shed stealing things.
  Ice Cream thru
                                                                                                                                                He phoned the police,
  Church &                                                                                                                                      who asked "Is someone
   Community                                                                                                                                    in your house?" He said
   Listings                                                                                                                                     "No." Then they said
                                                                                                                                                "All patrols were busy!
  Humor                                                                                                                                         You should lock your
  Need a laugh today,
   there's always                                                                                                                               doors and an officer will
   plenty in today's                                                                                                                            be along when one is
   edition!                                                                                                                                     available." George said,
                                                                                                                                                "Okay" He hung up the
  Local Weather
  Full Forecast here                                                                                                                            phone and counted to

                                                                                                                                                Then he phoned the
                                                                                                                                                police again. "Hello, I
      Weather Forecast
                                                                                                                                                just called you a few
                                                                                                                                                seconds ago because
  Advertising                                                                                                                                   there were people
  Sizes and rates                                                                                                                               stealing things from my
                                                                                                                                                shed. Well, you don't
  Links                                                                                                                                         have to worry about
  See Past Shows &
   Visit other Web
    Sites of Interest.                                                                                                                          them now because I just
                                      65' custom-built motor yacht complete with four staterooms, a state-of-the-art galley,                    shot them." and he hung
  Archives                            GPS System and radar for navigation, twin supercharged diesel engines, etc.....                           up.
  Recent Articles also
  full issues in PDF                  $2,474,793.00
                                                                                                                                                Within five minutes, six
  Contact Us                          Champagne, chocolate covered strawberries with cream and music dockside for the                           Police Car s, a SWAT
                                      excited 'soon to be owners' and a small group of friends.                                                 Team, a Helicopter, two
                                      $5,000.00                                                                                                 Fire Trucks, a
                                                                                                                                                Paramedic, and an
                                      Two corporate representatives, crane, and rigging complete with faulty turnbuckle.                        Ambulance showed up
                                      $2,500/hour                                                                                               at the Phillips' residence,
                                                                                                                                                and caught the burglars
                                      (Note the owner in the stern / back of the yacht)                                                         red-handed.

 Blonde                               Watching your dreamboat nose dive into the harbor, accompanied by two corporate                           One of the Policemen
                                      representatives just prior to 'inking' the final paperwork...                                             said to George, "I
 Swimmer                                                                                                                                        thought you said that
                                      PRICELESS!                                                                                                you'd shot them!"
 A man met a
 beautiful blonde                     So, how was your day?                                                                                     George said, "I thought
 lady and decided he                                                                                                                            you said there was
 wanted to marry                                                                                                                                nobody available!"
 her right away.
                                                                                                                                                (True Story)
 She said, 'But we                                                   Puns for Educated Minds
 don't know                                                                                                                                     I LOVE IT!
 anything about each
 other..'                                                                                                                                       Don't mess with old
 He said, 'That's all            1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round               15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
 right, we'll learn              table was Sir Cumference.He acquired his size              prison was a small medium at large.
 about each other as             from too much pi.
 we go along.'                                                                              16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and
                                 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan             pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
                                 island, but it turned out to be an optical
 So she consented,
 they were married,              Aleutian .                                                 17. A backward poet writes inverse.                    CITIZENS
 and off they went                                                                                                                                  ARE THE
 on a honeymoon at               3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved              18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In      NATION'S
 a very nice resort.             her still.                                                 feudalism it's your count that votes.                   LEADING
                                                                                                                                                  CARRIERS OF

http://thewaxhawgazette.com/humor.html                                                                                                                           12/3/2010
Weekly Humor                                                                                                                                      Page 2 of 3

 One morning they        4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from            19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a
 were lying by the       algebra class, because it was a weapon of math          taste of religion.
 pool, when he got       disruption.
 up off of his towel,                                                            20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd
 climbed up to the       5. No matter how much you push the envelope,            be in Seine .
 10 meter board and      it'll still be stationery.
 did a two and a half                                                            21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two
 tuck, followed by       6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road            dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him
 three rotations in      and was cited for littering.                            and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
 the pike position, at                                                           allowed per passenger.'
 which point he          7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
 straightened out        would result in Linoleum Blownapart.                    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One          HEARING AIDS
 and cut the water                                                               turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
                         8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up                                                                  ROLL AIDS
 like a knife.
                         in a tie.                                               23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
                                                                                 so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it   WALKING AIDS
 After a few more
 demonstrations, he      9. A hole has been found in the camp wall. The          sank, proving once again that you can't have
                         police are looking into it.                             your kayak and heat it too.                          MEDICAL AIDS
 came back and lay
 down on the towel.                                                                                                                   GOVERNMENT AIDS
                         10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a        24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've
 She said, 'That was     banana.                                                 lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?'
                                                                                 The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'                MOST OF ALL,
 incredible!'                                                                                                                          MONETARY AID TO
                         11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
                                                                                 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who                 THEIR KIDS!
 He said, 'I used to
                         12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the          refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal:
 be an Olympic
                         hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay           transcend dental medication.
 diving champion.
                         here; I'll go on a head.'
 You see, I told you
 we'd learn more                                                                 26. There was the person who sent ten puns to
                         13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting            friends, with the hope that at least one of the
 about each other as     bigger. Then it hit me.
 we went along.'                                                                 puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten
                         14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
 So she got up,          said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
 jumped in the pool
 and started doing

 After seventy -five                                                        Logic...
 lengths she climbed
 out of the pool, lay               Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
 down on her towel
 and was hardly out        Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
 of breath.*                     Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

 He said, 'That was                                  Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
 incredible! Were
 you an Olympic           The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up
 endurance                                 for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.
                                                            'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'
 'No,' she said, 'I
 was a hooker in                         The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
 Pittsburgh and I
 worked both sides
 of the River"              'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

                                                              'That's true, I do have a yard.'

                           'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a

                                                                 'Yes, I do have a house.'

                                   'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

                                                                  'Yes, I have a family.

                          'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because
                                          you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

                          'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed

                         Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar.
                            He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

                                                           'Logic? ' Doug says, 'What's that?'

                                           Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'


                                                                  'Then you're a queer.'

                                                             I'm so glad I own a weed eater!

http://thewaxhawgazette.com/humor.html                                                                                                             12/3/2010
Weekly Humor                                                                                    Page 3 of 3

                                                 Copyright © 2010 The Waxhaw Gazette
                                         www.thewaxhawgazette.com | info@thewaxhawgazette.com
                                             Waxhaw, North Carolina | Phone 704.650-0606

http://thewaxhawgazette.com/humor.html                                                           12/3/2010

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