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					Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 1

AMOCK

A COMEDY COMPENDIUM

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 2

WELCOME TO AMOCK, A COMEDY COMPENDIUM WITH SHORT STORIES, NOVEL EXTRACTS,
JOKES, GAGS, CARTOONS, FUNNY PICTURES,

COMPETITIONS, QUIZZES AND MUCH MORE. THIS IS A TASTER FOR A 32

PAGE MONTHLY MAGAZINE TO BE AVAILABLE FROM DECEMBER 2011 FROM

THE MAGAZINES SECTION OF THE FREE-EBOOKS.NET WEBSITE.

THE CONTENTS LISTING BELOW IS NOT COMPREHENSIVE. THERE ARE

SPOOF NEWS ITEMS SCATTERED THROUGHOUT THE PUBLICATION AND

SOME OF THE FEATURES HAVE SEVERAL EPISODES. ENJOY.

CONTENTS

Extracts from the Complete Book

Extract from The Stormer

of Lies

The Case of the Scented Love

Promotion (Short Story)

Letter

Comedy Quiz

The Benefits of changing your

name

Extract from I, Roger Knightly

Short Story Competition

The Village Idiot (Short Story)
Confessions of a MILF

The Frost-Hitler Interview

Barbarians

On Company Time

Concussion Corner

Your Stars with Mystic Mabel

Eskimos

A Guide to Alien Women

Why Brits Like it Hot

Sex Causes Global Warming

A Sub-Human's Love Song

Nigerian Scam Secrets

Your First Robot

Clicking the Header on any page

Professor Pete's Advice

brings you back to this Menu

Barmaids

page.

You’ll find buttons like the one on the right scattered throughout the
ebook. >>> They’re linked to our website if you want to get in touch with
us.

Amock Humour Magazine is published by Amock.net and is © 2011 with all
rights reserved. The copyright of content remains with the contributors.
The publishers grant you the right to copy and share this publication
subject to the following conditions. You may NOT take individual content
and reuse it in any way. You may NOT sell this publication. You may NOT
amend the publication. Contact us at amock.net

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 3

SEX-CHANGE WEEKENDS ARE HERE

Getting in touch with your feminine side could be a weekend thing with
news that scientists at the San Francisco Institute for the Sexually
Confused have created a drug which allows temporary sex-changes. The drug
works by suppressing the

body's natural hormones, allowing those of the opposite

sex, which are always present, to emerge. The effect lasts for forty
eight hours.

One enthusiastic user is Bob Nasty of London, who has

been using the drug, called Mixiton, for several months.

"It's a stress-relief thing for me," he told this reporter.

"I pop the tab on a Friday evening and become Jill for the weekend. This
allows me to wears bras and have men kiss

me, which is something I miss since giving up rugby playing due to a
groin injury. It's opened up a whole new area for me."

Bob/Jill (pictured) went on to say, "I have a girlfriend, Alice, during
the week and she becomes Alex at the

weekend, but I don't see much of him as he tends to go out with his mates
to watch a football match and get drunk. I'm really looking forward to a
weekend when she doesn't take Mixitonl and we can have a girly weekend
together."

Alice said, "Bob used to love getting into my pants, and now he really
does. He's always borrowing my stuff."

ALIENS ARE PERVERTS

The Pentagon has finally admitted the existence of UFOs but say they do
not pose a threat

to Earth as their alien occupants are

merely voyeurs with a

fascination for human sexual

activity.

General Butch Hansen said, "The

aliens are just dirty little
buggers and we have no cause to

fear them as long as they

can get their kicks from watching

people at it."

The General added that the

military had gleaned this

information from an alien they were

holding at the notorious Area 51.

"We had a hell of a time getting the

little guy to talk, and he finally only opened up when one of our female
lieutenants showed him her bra. Their technology and weapons are far
superior to ours but we can keep them happy by not closing our curtains.
Let them look, I say."

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 4

PARROT TO SUE MONTY PYTHON

A parrot is to sue the lengendary Monty Python comedy

team, claiming that his grandfather, who appeared in the

famous 'Dead Parrot' sketch, was not compensated

adequately for his performance in the TV show.

George Parrot said, "It's all right for Cleese and Palin to swan about
with their fame and fortune but what about

my poor old gramps, Ernie? It was his performance as a

deceased parrot, what had shuffled off this mortal coil,

which bought them their accolades. And what did he get

for it, a handful of birdseed. He was such a good actor

that viewers assumed that it was an actual dead parrot
that was used. But it was Ernie, acting his socks off.

Admittedly he had a very bad agent but the Pythons

should cough up."

TAJ MAHAL TO BECOME CALL CENTRE

The Taj Mahal in Agra, India, noted as one of the

most beautiful buildings in the world, is to become an

IT support call centre it was announced yesterday.

“We are suffering from a great backlash from western

consumers,” explained Bandu Lal, President of the

Indiatalks Corporation, which will be staffing the

centre. “They do not like their western companies

outsourcing to India and thus reducing the number of

jobs available to them. Also they are aggrieved that

our call centre operatives do not appreciate all the

nuances of the way the English is spoken in their

native countries. For instance, what does the ‘up

The Taj Mahal was built in the 17th century by the

yours’ and ‘sit on it’ mean? It is most confusing as

Mughal emperor, Shah Jahan, for his wife, Mumtaz

these are not phrases we use here. If it is intended as Mahal, and some
have said that to use it as a call the insult it is not very effective.
We much prefer to be

cnetre is a desecration of an artistic masterpiece.

creative and use terms like, ‘Your face resembles the

Bandu Lal, however, was not fazed. “If India wants to

hinder parts of a baboon’. Now, when we relocate to

progress we cannot hold onto the past. We need jobs

the Taj we hope that callers will realise that they are
and we have educated and well-trained people to do

talking to someone who is sitting in a most beautiful

those jobs. To the critics I say, ‘Blow me!’

place and should be respected and not abused.”

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 5

Adolescents are not permitted to eat peanuts

in Taiwan unless offered by their siblings.

Strip poker is regarded as a contact sport in

New Zealand.

No-one knows the way to Amarillo.

Extracted from The Complete Book of Lies by

Only members in good standing of the official

Professor Ed Spurious.

Communist Party in N. Korea are permitted to

do the lambada.

The national currency of Nepal is called

the Cheese. There are 48.3 Cheeses to

Internationally, women are more attracted to

the US Dollar.

men called Hector than any other name.

Bisexuals cannot become priests in

Nose hair is regarded as a sign of insanity in

Kazakhstan unless they own a vertical

Denmark.

take-off aircraft.
The indigenous Indians of Quexalcoatl regard

Muhammad Ali once punched a hole in the

Neil Diamond as a deity.

Great Wall of China.

Men called Terrence cannot be killed with a

John Wayne was allergic to sailors.

silver bullet.

Robin Hood couldn’t dance.

The Kodiak bear farts continuously.

The tortoise is, pound for pound, the

strongest creature on Earth.

Evadne Bellethwaite was the only ballet dancer

ever convicted of shoplifting in the 1960s.

The Lethbridge Wife Swapping Society

closed when a library opened in the

The last man on Earth will be called Bob.

village.

Red-haired men play tennis better than blonde-

Being forced to watch Friends for more

haired men if they are left-handed.

than three hours is regarded as ‘cruel and

unusual punishment’ under the terms of

Soldiers who win a battle-field honour while

the Geneva Convention.

serving in the Latvian armed forces are

awarded a free daily sardine sandwich.

A wife who catches her husband ‘in
flagrante’ with another woman in Inner

Wearing headphones for more than 7 hours a

Mongolia is permitted to shout loudly.

day can cause bunions.

The supreme Greek god, Zeus, wore

The Dalai Lama likes to jive.

spectacles.

The ancient Romans were scared of

Elvis Presley couldn’t whistle.

bumblebees.

The wages of sin in Upper Volta are half a

Penguins can be taught to do algebra.

dozen eggs.

Ecuador is the only country in the world where

Paddling above the ankle bone is

graphic designers are venerated as gods.

forbidden to grandmothers in Lower

Silesia unless one of their children is in

Scottish inventor Horace Brown invented the

banking.

time machine next week last Thursday.

Registered witches are exempt from

Though the ancient Egyptians invented papyrus

military service in Bhutan.

and used it as paper, their failure to invent

cardboard seriously hampered their mail order

Spanish women cannot make cheesecake.
business opportunities.

Hercule Poirot was once Belgian light

Lying is tax-deductible.

middle weight boxing champion for three

minutes.

MORE LIES LATER

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 6

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 7

PRO

R MO

O

T

MO ION

O

“They say old Angus is thinking of taking up

the bar. “He is an American gentleman,”

the nudism,” Sandy said.

Brenda explained, “A reporter or something.

Fergus grunted. “Man, man, the nudism, at his From Idaho where the
potatoes come from.” age. He’ll catch his death of cold.”

They lifted their glasses in an expression of

They were sat in the snug bar of The Stag

gratitude to their benefactor and were

Hotel on the Hebridean island of Uraigh and

rewarded with a gracious nod of the head.

the biting, Atlantic wind rattled the windows.

“Of course it will come as a great shock to
“No, no, he’s not a fool, old Angus,” Sandy

Angus’s wife, the nudism, her being a lesbian.”

explained, “He’s not

“Tut, tut, I’m surprised at

attacking the nakedness like

you,” Sandy retorted, “Fine

a madman, he intends to

well you know she’s only a

acclimatise his body to the

part-time lesbian. At the

lack of garments.”

weekends she’s devoted to

Fergus took a sip of his beer,

men’s trousers.”

which was rapidly losing its

Fergus looked abashed.

fizz. “Ah, acclimatisation,

“True, true. A fine woman.

that’s a wise course of

Her fruitcake is not be

action. What way is he

sneezed at.”

doing the acclimatising?”

They sat in silence for a

“One item of clothing at a

while, enjoying the warmth

time. He came out this
of the blazing peat fire.

morning without a sock.”

“They say the Laird is to be

“He always was a cautious

building a pyramid,” Fergus

man. At that rate it’ll be

said finally.

August by the time he gets

“Young Ranald always was

down to his semmit.”

an ambitious chap. There will be a grant in it,

Sandy nodded sagely. “Aye, but November

no doubt.”

when he gets down to his underpants and then

“Oh, more than one. There will be the design

there will be trouble.”

and then the building of the thing itself, and

Brenda the barmaid brought over two fresh

I’ve heard he’s getting some European Union

pints and placed them before the two, old,

money for its artistic qualities.”

grizzled, veterans of the isles. Their

“What way will it be artistic?” Sandy asked.

questioning looks brought the response that

“It is to be spherical,” Fergus explained, “It will

the beers had been bought for them by the

be the only spherical pyramid in the world and
large, florid gentleman, perched on a stool at

will put those Egyptians in their place with their

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 8

pointy things.”

“Of course, of course,” Sandy offered, also

“And what will the laird be doing with his

trying to add oil to the troubled waters, “but

spherical pyramid?”

it’s strange how many of your gentlemen

“He needed a new venue for his annual sexual

friends are fresh off the rigs with wages in their

deviance convention. The barn was getting a

pockets.”

bit drafty and the theme for this year is to be

Brenda’s lips curled into a sneer. “They are

the tribadism and frottage.”

interesting, unlike some daft old codgers

They drank a toast to the new edifice and once

who’ve never set foot off the island.”

again only the ticking of the clock on the wall

“I have been to Oban!” Sandy retorted, stung

broke the silence.

by her rebuke at his lack of exploratory zeal,

“Speaking of lesbians,” Fergus murmured
“And it is a fine place if you’ve a mind for

quietly, “young Peter is thinking of taking up

spanking and dressing in women’s underwear,

the homosexuality.”

but you know yourself that it is Uraigh for the

“No, I never took him for the type.”

real debauchery.”

“He was tempted by a Burmese juggler the last “Debauchery?” Brenda
snorted in reply, “The time he was in Edinburgh at the Festival. And

most

he wants to be a pop star as well.”

debauched

“Oh, it will be mandatory then. You cannot

thing that

achieve chart success unless you are willing to

has

be accommodating. That’s written in stone.”

happened in

“I thought it was written on the toilet wall.”

Uraigh in

“Och, you’re the funny one, Sandy,” Fergus

the past

said, giving his friend a playful nudge, “Fine

fifty years

well you know it’s only Brenda’s phone number

was the

that’s on the toilet wall.”
time the

Brenda, having overheard this sally, slammed

school

the glass she was polishing down on the bar.

teacher’s

“I heard that!” she protested, “It’s not my

lipstick was

phone number at all. Some joker has just

found on old Calum’s collar.”

written my name up there with a spurious

A look of fear flashed across Sandy’s eyes, but

number.”

he recovered quickly. “Mr MacPherson was a

“Calm yourself, Brenda,” Fergus soothed, “We

fine schoolteacher and regarding the school

knew fine well it wasn’t you. A lassie with your

rabbit, all charges were dropped.”

business acumen would have had a price list

Brenda shrugged and disappeared to answer

up next to the phone number.”

the phone.

But Brenda was to not to be so easily placated.

The two old coves’ eyes flashed at each other

“I do not sell my body,” she insisted, “If I have

and secret messages were passed. Brenda

relations with a gentleman it is because I find

brought another two pints, once again supplied
him attractive.”

by the American and once again the pair

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 9

saluted his generosity.

of it now and again.”

“Is it true you have a certificate in the oral

“I think she has her jeans stapled to her, to

sex?” Fergus asked his comrade finally.

have them adhere so well to her figure.”

“I did have,” Sandy lamented, “but it has

“Her behind is a work of art and should be in a

lapsed and I will need to be sitting another

gallery.”

examination to get a new one. There are new

“Maybe we should be constructing one, here on

techniques coming along on a daily basis and a

Uraigh. The Uraigh Gallery of Female Bums?”

man has to keep his wits about him or he will

Sandy shook his head sadly. “They would be

be left behind.”

saying we were discriminating against the male

“The wife’s not complaining, is she?” Fergus

arse and would take us to court.”

asked sympathetically.
Fergus’s enthusiasm subsided. “It was only a

“Not at all, for she has a happy nature, does

thought.”

my Bella. Satisfied with only the twelve

They looked up as the big American swallowed

orgasms a night, she is, and her once the love

the last of his brandy, hopped from his barstool

slave of an African prince.”

and headed towards the bowels of the hotel

“Ah, happy days,” Fergus smiled. “Man, I

and his room.

recall the days when we were young swingers

Sandy cleared his throat noisily. “I’m fair

and I would be eating smoked haggis from

looking forward to the strip karaoke next

Bella’s bellybutton while you serviced my

week,” he said over-loudly.

Gladys.”

Once the visitor had left the two old islanders

A smile flitted across Sandy’s face. “Aye, I

wrapped themselves in coats and scarves and

have many fond memories of your Gladys’s

made their way to the door.

buttocks. Still as firm as ever?”

“We’ll get our hands on those sex tourism

Fergus grinned proudly. “I’ll tell you, Sandy,

dollars yet,” Fergus said to his old crony as the
her buttocks may have grown with the passing

founder members of the Uraigh Tourist Board

of the years but all it means is that these days

headed off into the night and their solitary

instead of cracking walnuts between her

beds.

cheeks, she can now tackle coconuts.”

“And I’ll bet there’s not a woman on the

mainland can manage that,” his crony

acknowledged, “They may talk of their Glasgow

and their Perth but when it comes to buttocks,

Uraigh cannot be surpassed.”

“And there is a new generation coming on as

we speak. Yon young Marie that works at the

baker’s. Lovely behind.”

Sandy clutched at his heart. “Jeeze, Fergus,

don’t mention Marie’s behind. It is costing me

a fortune in doughnuts, just to catch a glimpse

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 10

Think you know your comedy? Win a

unique prize, a pdf pack of Gurmeet

C Mattu’s three Scottish comedy novels, The

Stormer, The Sex Diaries and I, Roger

Knightly, by answering the 10 easy
O questions in our Comedy Quiz. The

competition is open until December 31st

2011 and you can enter by clicking HERE.

MThe winner will be selected from the

collected correct answers and announced

in the next issue. Editor’s decision is final

E and no correspondence will be entered into.

1. What were the stage names of the five

D Marx Brothers?

2. Who was Bertie Wooster’s butler?

Y 3. What is Woody Allen’s real name?

4. Who starred as Borat?

5. Who did Bing Crosby make the Road

films with?

Q 6. Which came first, The Jerk or The Man

With Two Brains?

7. Fill in the blanks for a book by Groucho

U Marx. Memoirs of A Mangy _ _ _ _ _?

8. Who played Al Bundy?

WHAT READERS SAID

The Stormer- Original, enjoyable and

I 9. Where was Charlie Chaplin born? down to earth. Fun reading that
doesn’t take itself too seriously.

10. What is Lucille Ball’s middle name?

The Sex Diaries- Funny, quirky and

Z

original.

I, Roger Knightly- Terribly funny and
great writing style!

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 11

TIGER TURNS VEGETARIAN

Raju, the Bengal tiger at Chicago Zoo has stopped eating meat and says he
will only eat vegetables from now on.

"It shows my concern for my

fellow life forms," Raju said, while

nibbling on a Brussels sprout.

"I suppose you could call me a

new-age tiger. It's important

that we maintain the ecology of

the planet and meat rearing is

very wasteful of our resources.

Vegetables are much more

eco-friendly, though they are

playing

havoc

with

my

carnivore gut. But honestly, the

only think I really miss is the thrill of the chase, because that's an
inborn instinct with us cats.

No more deer or wild pig for me, I'm afraid, and stalking a turnip just
isn't the same."

WIFE KISSES HUSBAND
Residents of Otago Place in the Vermont suburb of Lyon were shocked to
see Mrs Ann Frisson kiss her husband in public yesterday.

"She normally doesn't have a good word to say about him," said neighbour
Brigitte Petain. "She called him a scum-sucking halfwit last week."

Mr Gregor Frisson won the Euromillions Lottery last week.

THE PERILS OF OLDER WOMEN

Advice for the younger man by Norman Celibate.



You know how it is. If it's not your best friend's mom it's your mom's
best fried. Older women, they're only after one thing. And it's your
duty, as a nice young man, to make sure that they don't get it. It is
their husband's duty to perform the function that they require of you and
you should feel under no obligation to satisfy their sordid needs.

They will try many ploys to get you into their clutches, but the smart
guy will be wise to their evil ways and avoid these traps. Some of their
strategies include asking you to mow their lawn. This is particularly
dangerous in warm weather as it may require you to remove your shirt. On
no account should you remove any item of your clothing when within 100
yards of an older woman as this tends to drive them into a frenzy.
Another ploy is to invite you into their house with the offer of
refreshment. A beer may sound inviting, but your reputation is worth much
more. Avoid also any chore which may require you to go upstairs in an
older woman's house. While on the ground floor you have the safety of
being observed through

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 12

the living room window by a passerby; upstairs on the pretext of lifting
a heavy box you are as vulnerable as a lamb in the middle of a pride of
lions.



An older woman standing helpless by the roadside also constitutes immense
danger. The changing of her tyre will doubtless cause you to become
rather covered with grime and the offer of a nearby bathroom to 'freshen'
up, which will again involve the removal of clothing.

The intelligent young man would rather go home covered in grease than be
smeared with the make up of an older woman, no matter how expensive and
pleasant smelling.
Teachers are especially dangerous as they can offer their students higher
grades in return for a night of pensioner passion, and rejecting them may
be fraught with peril if your ambition lies towards the academic. As one
can't refuse the teacher's offer with a simple statement of the truth,
such as, 'You are old and fat and I would rather have a liaison with a
hippopotamus' and similar insults, you must instead resort to blatant
lies such as 'I respect you too much to do what you ask' or 'I am dying
of an incurable disease'. On no account use a line such as 'I am too
young to satisfy your sophisticated needs' as this is what is turning
them on in the first place.



Other powerful older women that the young man must be wary of include
policewomen and politicians. They are in predatory positions and cannot
resist giving in to their instincts.

The cop may offer to overlook small misdemeanours for certain favours.
These favours will doubtless include handcuffing you to bedposts for
nefarious purposes but can be avoided by claiming to have a contagious
disease. Of course, if tasered into submission by said cop, the victim
has no option but to surrender his virtue. The politician on the other
hand is more likely to offer money or position as an inducement. But
remember, at some point in the future you may have to tell your
grandchildren that your success in life was down to one sweaty night in a
hotel room wrestling with the Beast From Beyond.



The thing is older women rarely look like Stifler's Mom (whose first name
is Janine, by the way) they tend to look more like Stallone's Mom. And
that, unfortunately, is a step too far.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 13

I, ROGER KNIGHTLY

The Introduction and first chapter from the great man’s autobiography.




Introduction
Oh no, I hear you cry, dear reader, not another celebrity autobiography,
replete with tales of a childhood of grinding poverty before stardom
beckons you into its glittering embrace. Well, yes, my story does have
elements of that, but I have attempted to tell a truer story because all
things are relative, and if my childhood was not totally blighted, it was
at least different. My rise to superstardom too did not follow any normal
course. Or at least not one that I have read about in my fellow celebs’
tales, for I too read such revelations voraciously. In the end run only
you, dear readers, can be the judge of my story.

As I began to write this I was reminded of the prologue to Dickie
Attenborough’s masterwork

‘Gandhi’, which included some telling stuff such as ‘No man's life can be
encompassed in one telling... there is no way to give each event its
allotted weight, to recount the deeds and sacrifices

…what can be done is to be faithful in spirit to the record of his
journey, and to try to find one's way to the heart of the man...’

That is what I have strived for, despite a failing memory.

Incidentally, didn’t little Benny Kingsley give an abolutely scrumptious
performance as Mrs Indira Gandhi, one which must surely rank with Dusty
Hoffmann in Tootsie.

In the end I want this little tale to convince you, dear reader, that I
am a man, and not just a star.

And so, to the story of my life. I take pen in hand, or rather I begin
dictating to my secretary, Lily.

Roger Knightly

St Moritz

May 2005

I

Despite the fame and fortune I have accumulated as Roger Knightly, the
finest thespian to come from Caledonia’s rocky shores, I am the first to
admit that I come from humble roots.

To be totally open with you, my father was a farter.

Now, before you think I’m being rude, let me explain. In the part of
Scotland that I come from, the western isles, there are many crofters.
When and if they are lucky enough to be successful they expand their
croft and become farmers. But between these two stations there is an area
where one is neither really a farmer nor a crofter, one is a farter.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 14

We were, essentially, a family of farters, for we all worked the land
with my father, harvesting potatoes, digging peats and molesting sheep.
This last was, of course, a purely male occupation; no female of my
family was ever convicted of unnatural practices with farm animals,
though my aunt Morag was partial to a goat called Douglas. In the event
there was insufficient evidence and all charges were dropped.

But all tales must be told in their proper order, with a beginning,
middle and an end and it is thoughtless of me to plunge in with such
revelations before my credentials are established.

Thus, I was born, Mungo McPerson, on the 21st of October 1955 to Ragnarok
McPerson and his wife Olive in our humble fart on the island of Uiargh.

Like many others my grandmother, Myfanwy, had come to Scotland from Wales
during the Great Leek Famine of the 19th Century. At the age of sixteen
she fled from famine and poverty in the valleys into the arms of my
grandfather, Odysseus, who declared her ‘a damn good ride for a
Welshwoman’ and took

her to wife.

She was such a good

‘ride’ indeed that she provided him

with six children, one of

whom was my mother,

Olive. This was in their

first six years of marriage,

after

which

she

promptly dropped dead,

wishing still that she’d

married her first love, Ivor,

whom
she

had

deserted for lack of leeks. In

later years I tracked

down Ivor and found him

living

with

a

Lithuanian sailor, having taken

up homosexuality

after

being

rejected

by

Myfanwy. Of such things are

family tragedies born.

On my father’s side were sterner stock. The

McPersons of Uiargh had dressed

as women since the days of Bonnie Prince Charlie to prove their undying
loyalty to the Jacobite cause. This would have caused no particular
problem on Uiargh as many of the local men wore the kilt, but father
preferred a full length, off-the-shoulder gown in cerise satin, which
clashed horribly with his full red beard. However they made a handsome
couple, Ragnarok and Olive McPerson with their brood of four children -
my older twin brothers, Achilles and Hector, and my younger sister,
Commanche - as they took them by the hand on a Saturday night to the
pagan services at the local coven.

How I loved those Black Masses, with the squawking of beheaded chickens,
my mother’s soft highland lilt uttering blasphemous curses and the
overpowering stench of burning horseshit which they used as incense. They
imbued in me a deep respect for all people’s beliefs.

In retrospect I had an idyllic childhood for I had free run of the island
and a host of similarly aged chums with which to indulge my taste for
adventure. But life was, indeed, hard and required hours of back-breaking
toil on the fart, but children will always find time to play, no matter
what demands of homework or tiredness are made upon them.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 15

So it was my best friend, Toerag, and I would often leave our respective
farts and head off into the hills with only a tin of beans and Toerag’s
collie, Tallulah, for sustenance. By the time I became Toerag’s friend,
Tallulah was already down to three legs after an ill-equipped camping
expedition Toerag had carried out with his cousin, Horatio. Luckily,
during my campaigns with Toerag we never had to resort to canophagia, as
our stick-like frames could easily survive for twenty four hours on a
spoonful of baked beans, and

so Tallulah survived for many

weeks before being sold for medical

research. Again, in later years I

enquired further and discovered that she

had taken part in experiments on

smoking and that the chief scientist of

the laboratory she was sold to

had managed to furnish his entire house

with Embassy coupons.

Toerag was my best friend because I

was in love with his sister, Sister.

Though only 8 I had already proposed

marriage to Sister but had been

rejected because of my unusual sexual

demands. As farters’ children we

were totally aware of sex and Sister,

being shy, was worried that when
I mounted her from behind as I had seen

the fartyard animals do, I would

make funny faces at her behind her

back. Sister later became a

Buddhist nun and did missionary work among the Inuits of Alaska.

Because of its geographical position Uiargh was always subject to
Atlantic gales but my memories of those times are of endless summers, of
running barefoot through the hills and glens, and of having my arse
booted by my Dad when I failed to perform my daily chores. Thursday was
thrashing day in my family and my father was strict but fair, doling out
his punishment in strict age order, so that by the time he came to me he
was almost worn out and Commanche usually came out without a scratch.
Mother’s bottom, however, was always well-bruised on a Friday morning.

Despite that, we knew that he loved us, and we looked forward to Friday
nights when he would switch from his satin gown to more a comfortable
mid-length cotton skirt and take us on his knee to tell us outrageous
lies about our family heritage. According to him we were descended from a
union between one of the lost tribes of Israel and aliens from Alpha
Centauri one week, and the following the descendants of the Philippino
catering staff on the Spanish Armada. Even as a child I was impressed by
his creative turn of mind and encouraged him to write down these
preposterous tales, but my father would stroke his thick beard, adjust
his bra strap and inform me with a growl that “Writing is for jessie
boys, ma lad.”

For a long time I had no understanding of what a ‘jessie boy’ was, but if
my father did not approve of them, I was determined not to be one. This
was difficult as his definition changed and expanded with the years, till
finally estate agents, window cleaners, members of parliament, motorcycle
mechanics, ice cream vendors, restaurant waiters, bank employees, tourist
guides, librarians, chiropodists and members of the Ku Klux Klan were all
stigmatised by being branded with the epithet. I have, however, kept my
childhood vow and never adhered to any of the above perversions.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 16

My schooling was, to say the least, basic. There was only one small
village school on Uiargh and this two miles from our fart. It was here
that all of the islands twenty five young children were taught their
lessons by Miss Laidlow. Daphne Laidlow was a spinster who had left the
island years before to ply her trade as a prostitute in the wicked city
of Glasgow, but once her charms had faded she had returned with her tail
between her legs and done a correspondence course in corrupting young
children with education.
A tall, myopic woman, she was loved by everybody on the island,
especially the young bachelors who knew she was willing to relive old
memories on a Tuesday night for the price of an ounce of pipe tobacco. It
wasn’t much, but it was all she could afford. Despite this carnal outlook
she was an excellent educator and was especially good with arithmetic
where she would set us sums such as, ‘If Sandra has 3 customers at 14/6d
and Elaine has 8 at 12/11d, how much would the Madam get if she was
taking a 40% commission?’

With other subjects she was less accomplished. Her history especially was
appalling and for years I lived in the belief that Adolf Hitler was
responsible for the Highland Clearances and Frank Sinatra had discovered
America. Her geography was only slightly less poor and Iceland’s position
adjacent to the Antarctic has yet to be confirmed.

I wasn’t a particularly studious child though I loved to read, which was
a challenge as there were only three books on the entire island and two
of these were Christian bibles. As a pagan I was forbidden to read these
so that my total reading matter consisted of a battered copy of Sir
Walter Scott’s Ivanhoe which was missing the last few chapters. To this
day I have never discovered what happened to Wilfred, Rebecca and Rowena.
I could buy the book in an instant, of course, but some small part of me
hopes that Wilf defies convention and marries Rebecca, and I am almost
certain I would be disappointed.

At that time, in the early 60s, we had no TV signal on Uiargh, so   that
news came to us only through the weekly delivery of newspapers or   crackly
radio signals, so we had no clear idea that a cultural revolution   was
taking place. My father travelled to the mainland once a year and   would
return with marvellous tales of inventions such as hovercraft and
accomplishments such as spaceflight, but he was such a liar that
everybody ignored him.

It was during one of these excursions to the mainland, where he’d gone to
sell the produce we’d grown on the fart that my father had his beard
shaved off. He returned, a total stranger, and tried to kiss my mother
who swiftly kneed him in the groin. As he writhed on the ground he looked
up at her, his eyes full with tears and squeaked, “It’s me, Olive, your
husband, Ragnarok.”

“That you’re not,” replied my mother, standing with her hands on her
hips, “For my Ragnarok has a fine big bushy red beard.”

“I had it shaved off,” he explained, slowly regaining his breath.

“And why would that be?”

“I just fancied a wee change.”

“Well, I wish you hadn’t.”

“Why’s that, my darling Olive?”
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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 17

“Because you’re an ugly bastard.”

And that was that, my father threw away the fancy safety razor he’d
bought and regrew his beard.

My mother, ever the economist, rescued the razor from the midden and used
it to peel potatoes.

These were, of course, part of our basic diet for every main meal
consisted of either boiled potatoes and mutton or boiled potatoes and
herring which were caught by my father’s brother, my uncle Odin, Morag’s
husband, who had a small fishing boat and a wart on his willy which he
liked to show everybody. Odin and Morag had a son, my older cousin
Androcles, who I hated because he had a bicycle. Well, actually, when I
say he had a bicycle, it had no wheels and no frame, but Androcles had a
wonderful set of handlebars and these allowed him to speed past me when
we raced against each other.

Androcles later emigrated to Brazil and became a training dummy for the
sensational Brazilian football team which won the 1970 World Cup. I think
this was one of the things that inspired me to believe that a man could
outgrow his humble beginnings.

My relationships with my siblings were better natured. As the youngest
brother I could rely on the protection of Achilles and Hector when in
trouble, though, in return, I was expected to provide a guardian shield
to my sister, Commanche. This was no great deal and I became quite adept
at skelping the wee lassies who’d annoyed her. They, in turn, would call
on their older brothers to deal with me and I, in turn, would call on my
Greek heroes. If things went totally nuclear we could always call on
Ragnarok because we knew that there was not a man on the island that was
willing to face him in battle. When Ragnarok stripped off his satin gown
to reveal his manly torso in suspender belt and stockings, grown men
quivered.

The games we played were those of the universal child - white slavery,
biological experimentation, torture, voyeurism, sado-masochism - training
ourselves, if only unknowingly, in the skills we would require in
adulthood.

The year that father shaved his beard off, Douglas, Aunty Morag’s goat
died in suspicious circumstances and Morag accused her husband, Odin, of
killing him in a jealous rage. All the islanders took sides, with the
followers of Wicca taking the side of Douglas, for it was well known that
goats had souls, whereas the heathen Christians took the side of Odin,
claiming that he had only finished off the old billy for a bit of supper,
though Odin himself assured everybody that the beast had committed
suicide with a shotgun. Tempers were frayed and ugly words said and in
the end a policeman from the mainland was called to prevent further
violence. This was a P.C.

Woodward who spotted immediately that Morag had been madly in love with
Douglas and that Odin had killed the goat. Through a complicated
procedure of detection he ascertained that Odin had lost the affection of
Morag due to his genital abnormality and resolved the entire problem by
booking him in for wart removal at Oban General. This pleased everybody
bar Odin who now had nothing to show people behind the barn.

This reconciliation didn’t last long however and Morag left Odin to
improve herself by becoming an Avon lady in Birmingham. Luckily she took
Androcles with her and I no longer had to suffer

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 18

him and his damned handlebars. Odin married a Russian trawler captain of
the female persuasion and emigrated to Moscow where he joined the KGB and
trained their Fishing Division in advanced scoop net techniques.

There was a bad harvest that year and Daphne Laidlow died, either of a
broken heart or a broken back, I do not recall which, and it was this
which must have put the thought into my mother’s head. I discovered it by
accident, having gone to bed one night, only to return to the landing for
a glass of water to see my parents huddled conspiratorially round the
warm glow of the peat fire.

I knew instinctively that this was not for my ears and hunkered down to
listen.

“There are men,” my mother said, “who hanker after the carnal embrace of
a beast.”

“It is only the foul Christian laws that forbid it,” replied my father.
“A curse on them and their ten commandments.”

“Yes, yes, but there are so many men in the big cities now who have no
access to a pretty goat or an attractive sheep.”

“Or an amorous pony. Or a randy

pig.”

“Exactly. Whereas we have an

abundance of beasts on our fart.”

“I don’t see where you’re going
with this, Olive.”

“Oh, it’s so obvious, Ragnarok.

They have brothels with whores to

service men, why should there

not be an animal whore-house for

people who enjoy such things?”

“It would be against the law,”

my father intoned, “and we would have

to serve a sentence.”

“Not at all, it is only illegal for

human women to be selling their bodies.”

“Do you think there would be a

shilling in it?”

“Maybe more than one, Ragnarok. Men have been

mounting beasts since the earliest of days

and men do not change. Why are you blushing?”

“I’m not blushing, it’s the heat of the fire.”

“Have you ever mounted a beast, Ragnarok McPerson?”

“A beast? Olive? Never, never!”

“It’s not against our faith, Ragnarok, you’ve no need to lie to me.”

“It’s not the faith that bothers me, Olive, just you thinking that I
might cheat on you.”

“You are very fond of Griselda.”

“She is a handsome chicken, Olive, but there’s a world of difference
between admiring the looks of a hen and mounting it.”

“Very well, I believe you, but if I ever find feathers in your panties
there’ll be trouble. Anyway, what of my idea?”

“It’s magnificent, darling. We have so little to leave our children, for
this fart divided four ways would amount to nothing, but with a bestial
brothel we could make a fortune.” My mother looked up in my direction,
where I cowered behind the stairs, imagining myself to be invisible. “You
heard it here first, Mungo, now away to your bed.”

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 19

WHAT THEY SAID

(Reviews from writers on the Authonomy (Harper Collins Publishers)
website.

Helena: “This is a very funny piece of writing.” Keefieboy: “Glorious
Pythonesque insanity here.” TheLoriC: “This book has a delightful,
amusing tone and pulls in the reader from the very first chapter. With
its overall impressive writing and entertainment value, I, Roger Knightly
will keep readers smiling and laughing right up until the book's final
sentence.”

J&M JENSEN: “Delightfully silly and irreverent piece of writing, but
highly addictive.

Clare Hill: “This is hilarious and faintly disgusting in places, making
me feel guilty for laughing. I love the bike with no frame - pair of
handlebars, that's a classic!” Johndan2: “HAAAA! Reading this I had to go
make popcorn and get a Pepsi for full entertainment value. Big mistake! I
laughed and blew Pepsi out my nose. What a natural storyteller!"

Sperber1: “What I like is that the comedy comes from the characters,
rather than just being one-liners or gags. A lot of imagination.”

Lj Trafford: “Personally I loved this. It made me smile, it made me
laugh, it made me choke on my cup of tea a wee bit. It reminded me of the
alternative versions of books that Spike Milligan wrote, Frankenstein
etc. Yes it's filthy. But it's funny. And the two I often find go
together.” Mikegilli: “First place on my shelf. I've checked out 1000
books, but this is BY FAR the funniest. I'm stuck here in a library. They
frown as I giggle.”

How did a pagan laddie from the Western Isles of Scotland, Mungo
McPerson, become one of the world’s best-loved actors, Roger Knightly?
Join him on his rise to stardom and meet his agent, the legendary Cloudy
Howitzer and his high-kicking wife, Fizzy.

Discover how his first girlfriend, Felicity Sidesaddle, broke his heart.
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his first wife, Dazzle Dubrovnik and her telepathic twin, Razzle?
Vitally, read about the acting secrets that brought him fame and fortune.
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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 20

THE VILLAGE IDIOT

Taint easy being a village idiot, specially if one’s

It was that what started me thinking, especially

not as foolish as one hopes others think you are.

when so many of the menfolk came back with

It’s a constant battle of wits, really. Me trying to

busted heads and broken legs, that it couldn’t be

convince them others that I really am as stupid

that bad

being a village idiot. Now,

as they think I am. One slip

don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t

could betray me, one

no coward, but I knew that

shred of common sense

winning the Barley Wars

could be my undoing.

(which we did) would do the

So, how is it, you may ask,
good people of Throville no

that a fellow like myself,

good at all, so why did we

who can read and write and

fight for the Baron to raise

even count past 100, comes

his taxes that way. Give

to be the official village idiot

me a cause and I’ll fight, I

of the fine hamlet of

thought to myself, but

Throville? Well, there’s a

I’m dammt if I’m going

tale, you see, and I’ll tell thee

to put my neck on the

too, if you promises to keep it

line so’s the Baron can

quiet.

sup rich wine in his

It happened like this, see. I

castle.

were around 11 years old and

as

And while the men were in the fields, the sweat

smart a lad as could be found round the

glistening on their backs, and the women were

Fenlands. The village idiot then was Old Codger
aspinning or kneading dough and suchlike, Old

and he were a legend. No-one could match him

Codger would be down by the pond, playing with

for falling over his own two feet or forgetting an

the ducks. It seemed like a fine life to me and I

errand between the big barn and the well, a

decided I should like to be a village idiot and live

distance of only 12 yards, let me tell you. We

a life of ease and luxury, that’s how smart I was.

young uns used to have a fine old time, following

Course, it weren’t easy. Up till then I’d been

him around and shouting abuse at him. It

regarded by all as quite the scholar and now I

weren’t with no ill will, for we loved him really,

had to find a way to convince my kinfolks I was a

and he took it with a wide grin and a shrug of his

dimwit. I did it by accidentally falling down the

shoulders.

well, or rather staging a fall down the well. I

He never wanted, did Old Codger, not for a roof

gave myself a few cuts, bruises and scrapes

over his head or a bite to eat and when the

before I went down, especially on my poor old

Barley Wars came and all the men had to march

head, but when I came up, rescued by Arfie the

off to help Baron Ilsley, Old Codger wasn’t in the

Alchemist, my wits had totally deserted me. I
vanguard. No, nor in the rearguard neither. He

was, I am proud to say, as daft as a brush.

was tucked up, happy as a horsefly, in the barn

After that it was only a case of remembering to

and eating buttered bannocks.

act as foolishly as possible at any and every

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 21

occasion. This, you might think, would be easy,

village idiots, and the general hilarity they could

but take it from me, tisn’t simple for a wise man bring, in those days,
and some folks reckoned to act the fool when every man’s inclination is

they could be bred, just like cattle. Pair up two

to show his wisdom. But pretty soon every one

village idiots and the offspring was bound to be

in the village was regarding me with affection

fools, was the thinking. And if there was a nice

and chuckling ‘Aye, Old Codger’s got an

size brood they could be sold off for a profit to

apprentice.’ My parents weren’t too minded for neighbouring villages when
they reached their I had two older brothers to help on the farm

maturity, so village idiots was encouraged to

and if the whole village was feeding me it was

take a bride.

one less mouth for them to feed.

I was lucky with Doolally, for though she was as

The lads what I played with didn’t mind none
stupid as a square wheel she was a fine looking

neither, for our pastimes was rassling and

lass and I had no disinclination to start a family

suchlike and not quizzing each other on the

with her.

capital of Mondovia or what princess was it ran

Problem was my books. I had a passion for

off with Duke Ferdinand ere the Brown Plague

reading, though I knew that knowledge could be

struck. And an idiot can rassle just as good as

my downfall. I’d kept a secret stash ever since

a genius on any given day of the week.

I’d decided to become an idiot and only read

Soon, it was generally accepted that when Old

them when there was no-one else around. So,

Codger went to meet his Mocker I would take

it came as a great surprise when I came home

over the position of village idiot of Throville.

one day, fresh from falling in the pond, and

For the village elders this was a boon, for village found Doolally with
her nose in The History of idiots were scarce in them days and could

the Eleven Kingdoms.

command quite a price. It was said that the

“What be you doing?” I asked her.

folks of Bullton had paid a tenth of their annual

She looked up at me and there was a look in

harvest to Tilford for their village idiot, Spittle,

her eye which made my poor foolish heart sink.
as a sort of transfer fee. It was, of course,

“I’m perusing your library,” she said and it took

common knowledge that a village idiot brought

me a moment to realise that she shouldn’t know

good luck to where’er he resided, but one tenth

a word such as peruse.

of a harvest? Course, Spittle could be an idiot

“This History is full of basic errors,” she

in several different languages, him being foreign continued, “King Byron
never banished the born, so the price was bound to be high.

Pergians till after the Great Divide.”

So there, I’ve told you my secret and there’s

“You’re no idiot,” I said to her, not sure whether

only one other person knows it and that’s my

I should be angry or not.

wife, Doolally.

“And neither are you,” she replied, “Do you

As you know all village idiot marriages is

think you’re the only one with the wisdom to be

arranged as you couldn’t expect a village idiot

a jester?”

to do much in the way of courting by himself.

And not realising that was possibly the most

But, as I’ve said, there was a great demand for

foolish thing I ever done.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 22

FROST - HITLER

FROST: Hello, good evening and welcome and thank you for

allowing us your time, Herr Chancellor.

HITLER: You are velcome, you English schwein.

FROST: Now, what I'd like to talk to you about this evening is your
relationship with your niece, Geli. The so-called Geligate.

HITLER: It is all lies. I am innocent. I have an alibi, and also I vas
not there, not even slightly.

FROST: Well, if we could just get the facts straight. Is it true you had
a relationship with your niece, Angela Raubal?

HITLER: Of course we had a relationship, you dumpkopf, I vos her onkle.

FROST: An unhealthy relationship?

HITLER: Mein healthy is fine.

FROST: And yet we have drawings, made by you, of your niece which may
lead to conjecture..

HITLER: Forgeries! Geli had a very pimply bottom und in these drawings
there is no pimplies.

FROST: And you had nothing to do with Geli's death.

HITLER: It was suicide! And an accident! The police report said so. Ze
German police do not make ze mistakes. Not unless they are ordered to. Ve
Germans always obey orders.

FROST: And her death did not affect you and turn you into a murderous
dictator with a lust for world domination.

HITLER: Nein, nein. Zis I always had. It vos one of my most attractive
features. Zat und mein moustache.

FROST: Let me put it to you bluntly, did you do the naughty with your
niece, Geli Raubal?

HITLER: Categorically I can say, nein. Not in ze vay you are thinking ze
sexy.

FROST: So the rumours of your peculiar sexual practices are true?

HITLER: Peculiar? Not vere I come from, Frostie baby.
FROST: Did you force her to perform these unnatural acts?

HITLER: She needed guidance. Vot vas I to do?

FROST: And that did not break your moral code, if you had one?

HITLER: Of course I have a moral code. I bought it in a shop. It is good
quality. Made in Germany.

FROST: And it was not your pistol that Geli shot herself with?

HITLER: I can not be held responsible for zis. I had a very unhappy
childhood.

FROST: Has this affected your relationship with women in general?

HITLER: Nein, I am not interested in vomen. Or in men either! That
incident mit Goebels was an accident and I didn’t mean to bite..

FROST: Thank you, Herr Chancellor, you have confirmed your insanity
satisfactorily.

HITLER: My pleasure, you schwein. Heil, me!

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 23

SHARON:

Sorry if I’m talking quietly, but we’re not

SHARON:

No, he’s too old for that, he must be

supposed to use the company’s

over 40. Mind you, his screensaver’s

phones for private business.

a supermodel in a bikini.

JULIE:

Hey you, careful you don’t get the

JULIE:
My mom says they never get too old,

sack, you’ve only just started that job.




it’s in their genes.

SHARON:

But this isn’t private business, it’s

SHARON:

He doesn’t wear jeans, least not to




pleasure.

work, just an old suit that’s seen

JULIE:



You mean it’s a pleasure to talk to me,

better days. You’d think his wife




that’s real sweet.

would at least get it dry-cleaned now

SHARON:

You’re my best pal, Jules, of course

and again.
it’s a pleasure.

JULIE:



Oh, he’s got a wife? They’re the

JULIE:



So, who is it you’re working for?




worst sort.

SHARON:

Frobisher & Crutch, they make ball

SHARON:

She came round to the office last

bearings. But Mr Crutch died when he

week, tiny slip of a woman. He was

fell into a finishing machine. Certainly

all over her like a rash, calling her ‘my

did it’s job, finished him off. There’s a

darling’ and kissing her hand.

plaque in his memory in the foyer.

JULIE:



I can’t stand men like that, creeps.

JULIE:



Plaque? Yuch, that’s the stuff on your
SHARON:

He reckons it’s romantic. Said, ‘You’ll




teeth, right?

note, Miss Murphy, that the spirit of

SHARON:

No, this is a different one. It says, ‘In

romance still exists between my wife

memory of Reginald Crutch, who gave

and I, even though we’ve been

his life for ball bearings’.

married for over 15 years.’ Then he

JULIE:



So, how’s the job anyway?

adjusted his pants again.

SHARON:

It’s alright. My boss is like that teacher

JULIE:



Any good looking guys?

we used to have, always adjusting his

SHARON:

Haven’t met anybody super-

pants. His name’s Mr Scrutton and you

smashing yet, but there’s a few I
can imagine what I call him.

wouldn’t mid getting into the

JULIE:

No.

stationery cupboard.

SHARON:

Julie! Anyway, he’s got a 36” inside leg.

JULIE:

That’s my Sharon! The men of the

JULIE:

How do you know that?

world have no chance when Julie and

SHARON:

He told me. He’s real proud of it. It’s

Sharon are on the rampage.

his major claim to fame, the big skinny

SHARON:

Help, here comes Scrotum, I’ll need

ratbag, fiddling with his pants.




to go. See you later, pal.

JULIE:



Sounds like a pervo.

JULIE:
I’ll text you when I get home, just to




catch up.

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CATCH UP WITH MORE OF SHARON AND JULIE’S PHONE CONVERSATIONS IN THE
MONTHLY AMOCK




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 24

YOUR STARS WITH

MYSTIC

MABEL

Capricorn - December 22- January 20

Aquarius - January 21 – February 19

You will meet a tall man. Do not trust

Nothing will happen for you this

him as he is lying to you about his

month.

height. Wear blue at all times unless

you have had cereal for breakfast. Do

not whistle in the afternoon.

Pisces - February 20 – March 20

Aries - March 21- April 20

Don’t be afraid of chickens, even if

Beware of women with buck teeth.

they feature large in your dreams.
Your future looks good if you gamble

Wear two sweaters on Wednesdays if

all your money on a horse called

your name is George. Tell lies to

Nostradamus’s Hat. Avoid trains.

people called Colin.

Taurus - April 21- May 21

Gemini - May 21- June 21

Your addiction to television is causing

Your dreams, filthy though they are,

you health problems. Have someone

are about to come true. Her name is

else deliver them. Your niece hates

Evadne and you will meet her in a

you and you should buy stocks in the

dockside bar where she will be

Canberra Hot Air Balloon Co.

surrounded by sailors. Do not marry

her.

Cancer - June 22 – July 23

Leo - July 24 – August 23

Have you been drinking excessively?

Those aches and pains are really taking

If not, why not? I get pissed every

their toll on you, aren’t they, Leo? This

Wednesday and twice at the weekend.

is the result of you avoiding people
It’s Bacardi, since you ask and, yes, I

called Ralph. Not all Ralphs are after

will have a large one.

your money. Not even your brother in

law.

Virgo - August 24 – September 23

Libra - September 24- October 23

The predictions I made for you last

Oh, Libra, you are in a jam. The stars

month were incorrect due to flaws in

don’t really hold much promise for

my starcharts. The Lottery win is due

you this month. Why not have a nice,

this month, along with the satin sheath

long, sleep and just let it slip by?

dress and the invitation to drinks with

Bob.

Scorpio - October 24 – November 22

Sagittarius - November 23 – December

21

You will meet a beautiful woman who

you will be besotted with, but who will

The time has come for you to shape up

reject you. Get your revenge in first

and face the future. Then again, if you

and tell her to beat it. Her name is

don’t feel like it, that’s okay.
Helen.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 25

A GUIDE TO ALIEN WOMEN

Admittedly, as of this date, we have only

difficult. Their tusks too are not really

reached the moon, but the time will inevitably

compatible with human anatomy.

come when man will venture further into space

In a human relationship you would now be

and encounter alien species. If these alien

looking forward to that first kiss with your

species are similar to ourselves in being

beloved, but many alien species regard

divided into male and female there will

mouth to mouth contact as not only

no doubt arise the situation where a

disgusting but as a

human male feels attracted to an

declaration of

alien female. But with no experience

war. You must,

of alien women our space-faring

therefore,

Lothario will be at a severe
proceed with

disadvantage in attempting

caution. The kiss

seduction unless, that is, he reads

after all is only a

this instructional article and

form of greeting,

follows the advice herein.

much like the

The first thing you must

Faroodi elbow

ensure is to make your

rubbing ritual. They,

potential mate feel

of course, have

comfortable. You can begin

greater scope to enjoy

by changing your name to

this, having seven

Zob as this is a common

elbows. On each torso.

name among many alien

Human mating rituals

species and comparable to

would then proceed with a

our Terran Joe.

'date'. This could be a visit
Then, as Zob, you must

to a bar, a restaurant, the

understand that we humans have

cinema, theatre or art

a very poor sense of smell by comparison with

gallery. Avoid these like the

our alien cousins but as you wish to make your

plague if attracted to a Wermyn lady. Their

paramour feel comfortable you must be

idea of a good night out is pro-celebrity owl

prepared to give her a good sniff and allow her

strangling, though their owls average ten feet

to reciprocate. Allow a few weeks for this to

in height.

appreciate the full effect and of course no

Talsan females, on the other hand, like

bathing is permitted while you enjoy each

nothing better than lying in a hot bath. Not

other's pheromones. The Vandusians, with

up to the neck, of course, but over the head.

their smell of turtle soup, are quite acceptable,

It helps that they are aquatic. This should

though the cheesy smelling Durit can be

not deter you, as finding a love gift for such a

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE
Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 26

lady is simplicity itself, knowing their propensity for fresh fish.

Once these preliminary mating rituals are completed you would normally,
with a human female, expect to move on to more

intimate forms of hand to hand combat and

similar bodily exploration. Most

species enjoy this, the Velderon more

than most, though it has been

suggested that they are actually

searching your skin for the fleas

and ticks with which they augment

their diet. After feasting on you

they will have an insatiable thirst for

stoat juice, so do ensure that you

have an adequate supply.

This article, being written by one of

delicate sensibilities, will not venture

into the actual mechanics of the

human/alien mating process but a manual

on this will no doubt be available shortly as a download from the NASA
website.

On a final note I must remind you amorous astronauts that alien women are
notorious for not respecting you in the morning, so don’t expect a call.

ROCK GOD TO STAND FOR PRESIDENT

Rock God, Phil Eardrum, lead guitarist with The

that tray of vol au vents, or that car out on the street,

Nostrils, and a man who has

the blue Audi, not the Honda.

been declared clinically dead
They take our jobs and our

twice, is to stand for President

women and eat blubber. Lots of

USIVE

at the next elections on a

blubber. When did you last see

EXCL

fascist platform.

any blubber? See, the bloody

pygmy Eskimos have got it all,

“I got the idea from a book

so we don’t get none. They plan

about camping, man,” he said

to bring the world to its knees by

in his penthouse flat in LA last

cornering the world’s supply of

night. “The fascist thing is all

blubber and it’s down to us to

about picking on a minority

stop them. If you think you spot

and blaming then for all of

a pygmy Eskimo, even if he’s

society’s problems. So, I’ve

disguised as a small boulder,

decided that it’s bloody pygmy

you go and give him a good

Eskimos that are responsible
kicking. We need to reclaim our

for all our ills and should be

country and our heritage. And

persecuted.”

our blubber.”

He was ready for the argument that pygmy Eskimos

Eardrum also claimed that his last stay at a rehab

were remarkable for being relatively unknown, far less

clinic (his nineteenth) had finally cured him of his

as the engines of our destruction.

addiction to psychedelic drugs. “It’s nothing but

“They’re masters of disguise, see. They learn it at

blubber for me from now on, man,” he said before

their mother’s knee and it’s ingrained in them.

sweeping off to his next gig with his entourage of

They’re everywhere and we don’t know about about it. blonde dentists.
“They can’t disguise themselves as That chair there, that could be a
pygmy Eskimo, or

blonde dentists, everybody knows that.”

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 27

SUBMISSIONS

We are currently looking for submissions for the monthly version of
Amock, both textual and graphic. So if you think you’ve got the ability
to make our readers howl with laughter click HERE to visit our website
and see our submission guidelines and submit. Read the magazine to ensure
you know our style. Anything we use will be paid for. We look forward to
seeing your best work.
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The

AMOCK

SUMMER

COLLECTION




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 29

This is how it happened. Old Ravi Patel was old-fashioned and wanted his
son, Dav, to follow tradition, so he went to him and said, “Dav, I want
you to marry the girl I choose for you.” But Dav was young and hip and
believed in marrying for love, rather than following his old man’s
orders. So, he replied, “No way, dad.”

Old Ravi hadn’t become a wise old man by sitting on his ass.

“She’s Bill Gates’ daughter,” he told Dav.

Dav was astonished. Bill Gates’s daughter? She must be

loaded! “Oh, right, sure, I’ll marry her.”

So, Old Ravi went to see Gates and said to him, “I want your daughter to
marry my son.”

Gates didn’t know Old Ravi from Sinbad so, naturally, he replied,

“No way, man.”

Old Ravi grinned. “He’s the CEO of the World Bank”

Gates’ eyes widened. “Oh,

okay, he can marry her.”

Then Old Ravi visited the World Bank and went to see their HR department.
“I want you to make my son the CEO of the World Bank,” he said to them.

The Chief Recruitment Officer just laughed. “No way!”

“He’s Bill Gates’ son-in-law,” Old Ravi said.
And the Chief recruitment Officer swallowed hard and said, “Oh, in that
case, no problem.” And that, my friends, is how arranged marriages work.

ICEBERG FOUND GUILTY

The iceberg which sank the Titanic has been

found guilty of manslaughter at the International

Court of Justice.

This follows the lengthy search for the berg,

which was finally identified by paint from the

Titanic’s hull found on it’s surface.

“It committed a monstrous crime which resulted

in the death of over 1,500 innocent people,”

said prosecutor, Ron Litigation, “and it must be

punished. I am going for the death penalty.”

plans to melt the huge block of ice

and sell it off in bottles as souvenirs.

Entrepreneur, Alf Shady, has already staked a claim

“It’s what my Gran would have

to the berg as a descendant of one of the victims. He

wanted,” he sobbed.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 30

SPORT

JUMPJET TO TAKE UP SOCCER

Basketball legend, Jerome J Jumpjet, is giving up the court and taking to
the soccer pitch.

“It must be easier,” he claimed, “There’s no hoop, just a huge big net
that nobody could miss. My stats will go way up.”
Jumpjet accepts that his handling skills won’t be brought into play and
has been putting his feet through special training sessions to bring them
up to the mark, but he still hopes he can bring his height into play. “I
seen those soccer players jump and it seems they can only score by
hitting the ball into the net with their head. I know it sounds crazy but
I think I can do it. I’ve been jumping up and heading lamp posts by way
of practice.” Though unsigned Jumpjet hopes to start his soccer career in
Brazil, though he denies that the female Brazilian fans he saw on TV at
the last World Cup had anything to do with his decision.

“That would be shallow,” he added, “and I am not shallow. I am 7’ 10”.”
OBAMA AUNTY ASHAMED

Barrack Obama's aunt, Mamie Obama, says she is embarrassed by her
nephew's choice of career.

"He is a crazy man," said the

Kenyan sister of Barrack

Obama Snr, "President of the

United States? What kind of

job is that for a smart black

man? That is a job for a

stupid white man like the

Dubya. Barry should have

aimed high, being a boxer like

Muhammad Ali, or a pop star

like Stevie Wonder. But politics

is no kind of a job for an

ambitious black man. It's all

the fault of that Nelson

Mandolin in South Africa. Him

being Prez in his country has

turned my Barry's head."

A spokesperson for the U.S.

Dept.of Racial Stereotypes
confirmed that Obama had

been offered posts in both

sports and music, as well as a

drug dealer and as a pimp but

had turned them down. "We

deliberately didn't offer him

garbage disposal because he was half white," he added.

"That fool nephew of mine needs to come to his senses," continued Mamie,
"If he was so set on being a Prez, why didn't he pick something more in
keeping with his heritage. He could of been President of a gospel choir
or war chief of a Bantu tribe. That's a job comes with goat privileges.
And many meaty wives, not like that scrawny Michelle who aint never ate
mealie."

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 31

Opinion by Dr. Hiram Loveless

I know you’re fed up to the back teeth with hearing about global warming,
but I have amazing new evidence that it is caused by sex.

But first the science behind my   conclusions. You are no doubt aware that
when you rub two items together   you create friction and therefore heat.
So, obviously, when you rub two   humans together you create an incredible
amount of heat. And, let’s face   it, there are millions of people every
day who are rubbing aginst each   other and the amount of heat created is
enormous.

Some sex addicts are doing it two or three times a day and that’s just a
prescription for suicide, because every sexual act is raising the
temperature by a fraction of a degree. And millions of fractions of a
degree make a lot!

The thing is,

when you’re having sex, your metabolism is racing and your body is like a
small furnace, blasting out

heat. And when your activities reach their natural conclusion, well,
that’s just like a
firework going off.

Some

important facts to consider. Illicit sex is a definite no-no, especially
if her husband

is nearby, because you create even more heat when you’re nervous.

Oh, and orgies are

definitely out. You could cook a steak pie with the heat coming off ten
people going at it hammer and tongs.

Positions are important too. Missionary is

cool, but doggy is hot. Your choice of partner

reflects how much heat you radiate too. If

you’re hot for a woman, you probably will be.

I’m not suggesting you go after the less

attractive, but average to pretty is usually about

right. Try to avoid ‘hot’ babes as every time

one of them growls seductively the planet

loses five minutes of its life.

You see it’s not just friction that causes the rise in temperature, you
also have to take account of the excitement factor. This means that sex
with a wife you’ve been married to for five years rates about 1, whereas
sex with a mistress is worth at least a 5 and sex with Charlize Theron is
going to take you way up to 1,580.

So, the message should be that by cutting down on the amount of sex we
have we are saving the planet.

Luckily, there is a way for you to get some sexual pleasure without
destroying the environment. It doesn’t involve recycling or cutting
carbon emissions, just having sex in a bath of cold water. Your heat will
be transferred to the water and will

not affect the global temperature. You

can also take the bath water

you’ve just heated up and make a nice

cup of tea. And let’s face it, you’ll
need it after your exertions.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 32

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COMING UP IN THE

FUTURE IN AMOCK

I’d confront you in

How to kill your grandmother while moving

a battle of wits, but

house.

I refuse to fight the

Mouthwash. Why?

unarmed.

The future of underwear.

Cooking - The Myths.

Your first robot.
Nigerian Scam Secrets

More ON COMPANY TIME

Fruitbats - The next food fad?

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 33

WOMAN TO HAVE ALIEN BABY

Mrs Olivia Benson is due to give birth to a baby thought weren’t her
fault. Those aliens has powers no human to be of alien origin, as she
claims to have been made being can resist.” pregnant by a visitor from
Alpha Centauri called Bob.

The Bensons plan to call the child Spock, no matter Despite his Terran-
sounding name, Mrs Benson

what sex it is, or even if it has no gender

insists that he was an alien.

at all.

“He had two heads, that’s what made me

“He is my child and he will be loved,”

suspicious,” she explained in her southern

insisted the mother-to-be. Bert and I

Arizona home last night. “And he smelled of

couldn’t have kids because of his

gasoline too. I never met a human guy had

accident, so in a way this is a God-send.”

two heads and smelled of gasoline. I only
went to the bar that night because I had an

Doubts were, however, cast on Mrs

argument with my husband, and this alien

Benson’s version of events. “Olivia was

used his mind-control techniques to talk me into

drunker than a duke in a distillery that night,”

going round the back alley with him. That’s where he said bar owner Harry
Potts. “And the only other person had his flying saucer parked, though it
was disguised in the bar was Bob Peterson. He works in a gas station as a
pick-up truck.”

and he drives a pick-up. Oh, and I asked him to take

his brother’s motorcycle helmet over to his place cause

Mrs Benson is due to give birth to the human-alien he left it here the
previous night.”

hybrid child in four weeks and the imminent arrival has

sparked intense media interest.

“That’s horse manure,” responded Bert, “Bob Peterson

aint got no mind control powers, and that’s the only way

“We got a comic book deal and the movie rights are up

anyone could get round my loving and faithful wife.”

for grabs,” said Mr Bert Benson who runs a toaster repair franchise. “Of
course I’m standing by her. It Mr Peterson was not available for comment.

GERMAN ENTRY FOR 1939 TOUR DE FRANCE

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 34

$ NIGERIAN SCAM SECRETS $

Hello, my good friends, my name is Nbandi

Finance and that as his widow you are trying to
Tstotsewe, and I am the holder of a master's

get your hands on it. However the authorities

degree in Internet Scamming from the

suspect you and you must transfer the money

Univeristy of Abuja, Nigeria. In this brief

to an overseas account so that it can be

article I hope to teach you how you too can

accessed. If you will give me your bank details

become an Internet Scammer and generate a

I will transfer the complete amount to your

healthy income for yourself. This is not a

account and you will then remit seventy million

difficult process for learning as you

to me, leaving you with a profit of ten million

must realising that though you are

dollars.

stupid many, many people are more

Are you seeing? I have

stupid than you.

appealed to your greed. Who

The first requirement is a

would refuse $10,000,000 for

computer with an internet

nothing? Also, you are thinking,

connection. This is most vital as

once I have the eighty million in my

shouting about your scam, even
bank account the widow Wendy can

from the top of your house, will

go on holiday for all I care.

not reach enough people to

How then can the scammer make

make your venture profitable.

any use of the information he has

Your aim with this scam is

obtained from you. The answer is

to obtain people's banking details and

simpleness itself, with the bank details

for this you must rely on people's greed. Now,

he has from you he can remove every penny

we both know that all people are greedy. I am

you have from your account. On no account

extremely greedy and my wife can eat many

must he actually try to transfer $80,000,000

oxen at a single sitting, so you can see how

into anybody's account. This is against the

greedy she is. Therefore we must be relying

very spirit of the scam and may lead to you

on people's greed to obtain the banking details

losing your membership of our professional

we want. In this instance I am adopting the

association.

pose of Mrs Wendy Mobeety, widow of Tembo

It also helps if you have a very poor
Mobeety, ex-manager of International Finance

commandment of the English language.

at the Bank of Nigeria. I should make it plainly

Now, you may wonder why I am passing

at this point that I am not actually Mrs Wendy

this vital information to you for free of charge.

and that the police charges regarding me

The answer is that, having explained the entire

wearing women's clothing last Friday were a

proceduring to you, you will trust me implicitly

set-up.

and will have no hesitation in passing your

I email you, telling you that my late

bank details to me as I have fraudulently

husband mislaid eighty million US dollars into a obtained $43 billion
from the Nigerian space separate account while managing International

programme (Chief Executive - James T. Kirk)

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 35

and have it lying in an offshore account where

If you wash your car more than once a week it

will shrink.

I cannot access it directly. It must go through

The miracle of the moving cheese of San

a third party and I am willing to give you $10

Fredo, has been proved to be a fraud following
billion if you will launder this immense amount

the discovery nearby of a nest of particularly

muscular mice.

for me. Imagine, with this amount you could

buy your wife, Denise, a new kitchen gadget

The Japanese have admitted that kamikaze

does not mean ‘divine wind’ as they have been

such as an atomic blender, bribe your son,

claiming since WWII. It actually means ‘stupid

Tom, through college, and get your daughter,

bastard’.

Cindy, a healthy young pop star of her very

Oliver Reed once bench pressed Orson Welles.

own. Such an offer is not to be sniffled at.

Oil well fires can be put out with ice cream.

Left-handed blondes frequently marry men

called Kevin.

The Latvian army can march backwards.

Hanging with a bungee cord was rejected as a

method of execution by the New Zealand

Supreme Court.

Extracted from The Complete Book of Lies by

Professor Ed Spurious.

Sarah Palin once tried to shoot a moose with a

lipstick.

The password to enter the Pentagon on the 4th

Horace Pendlebury patented the underwater
of July 1982 was Enema.

hovercraft in 1932.

Because of the weight of its population the US

The French National Anthem cannot be played

sinks into the Earth’s crust by 3 mm every

backwards.

year.

Coating a horse in chocolate is a capital offence

The favourite name for dogs in New Zealand is

in Tasmania.

Nancy.

Being flatulent is a great help in hang-gliding.

Franciscan monks have a very poor sense of

balance.

Belgian prostitute Brenda Dulay’s mobile sex

service, Feels On Wheels has won a new

Robin Hood was the hide-and-seek champion

business initiative award.

of Sherwood Forest for three years running.

Leopards have no taste buds.

The best selling national newspaper in Uganda

is called the Daily Newspaper.

Sylvester Stallone likes to bake cakes,

especially sponges.

One of the bodies of the Roswell aliens was

eaten by a local who thought it was road-kill.

Dudley Moore went on a 10 year bender to
prepare for the role of Arthur.

Transvestites can travel for free on public

transport in Adelaide, Australia.

Josef Stalin could fart and burp at the same

time.

Humphrey Bogart collected boomerangs.

Margaret Thatcher had her ‘feminine side’

Ukrainian men are required by law to grow a

surgically removed.

moustache at some point in their life.

George W. Bush was a chess grand master.

Hangovers can be cured with torture.

Eating too much toast can give you malaria.

Many circus bearded ladies are lesbians.

Gillette will launch the 10 blade razor this year.

Jack the Ripper is a registered trademark.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 36

There is no doubt that you will enjoy owning your first

external cleanliness and this will require you to hose it

domestic robot. You will love it, your wife will love it

down in the garden at least once a week. Be careful,

and your kids will love it. Your dog will hate it.

as it is not totally waterproof. Alternatively it can be

ordered to visit the local car wash on a regular basis,
The thing is, dogs don’t’ understand robots. They

though do remember to give it only enough cash for a

look and act like humans, but don’t smell like them.

basic wash as waxing and polishing are not really

They smell like a cross between your car and your PC

necessary.

and this is confusing to the canine brain. But do not

despair. Your dog will not live for much longer than

On the culinary front the machine is adequate rather

12 years, whereas your robot will probably outlast

than inspired. It can indeed be programmed with

your grandchildren.

every meal recipe known to man, as the advertising

states, but its cooking style is mechanical to

The multi-purpose, domestic robot is of

say the least. Without

course extremely versatile and will come

taste buds it has no way

pre-programmed with various domestic

of judging a dish and one

chores such as cooking and cleaning.

small error in its onboard

Additional software can be bought

recipe database can lead

which will enable it to perform tasks

to a very salty meringue.

such as car and home maintenance.
The children’s entertainment

The sports model is of course

package is, however, flawed, as

ideal for the health conscious

any order to walk a tightrope in the

family. There is no better

garden will prove. This is not to

golfing partner as it has no

say that your machine is

qualms about carrying

inherently unstable, and its

everyone’s clubs in a foursome.

awkward walk can easily be

With its laser guided vision, lost

compared to Buddy coming home after eight beers.

balls are also a thing of the past.

At tennis too it is unbeatable. This is literally true;

The voice recognition software is also not perfected.

unless you adjust its upper body strength it will serve

A slurred command to boil an egg can lead to the

a succession of aces that will destroy you. It is in the poor machine
searching for a neck to boil. Orders

pool, however, that the machine is finally beaten.

should be given clearly and succinctly with no

Your domestic robot is not buoyant and will sink like a

prospect of ambiguity. For instance, ‘Go away’ is not

stone. The children may find this amusing, but it will

a command you should give your unit, as it is likely
cost you thousands of dollars to winch the unit from

that it will next be spotted in Mongolia.

the bottom of the pool and have it professionally dried

out. Your wife’s hair dryer will not do the job.

The manufacturers have, surprisingly, not included

any software to allow the machine to maintain its own

It must also be said that the robot has absolutely no

interest in your naked body or its functions. If it has a

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 37

task to perform it will march into the bathroom no

FIRE BREATHER LEAVES WIFE

matter what you are doing. Locking the door will not

Legendary fire breather, George Hobson, better known

stop a machine capable of demolishing your house.

as The Great Inferno, has left his wife, Merilyn, claiming Its priority
is to fulfil its task. Your youngest son will, that she did not really
love him.

of course, delight in telling the machine to bring

“She used me,” George complained bitterly from the

something from the bathroom when your teenage

motel where he

is currently staying. At first

daughter is in the shower, leading to consequent

I

suspected
she’d

found

shrieks, but recall that the robot can also be

another man,

but that

programmed to discipline children. It is of course

didn’t seem

plausible

unable to physically harm, but your son will find it

as she’s no

r a v i n g

uncomfortable to find the unit standing at the school

b e a u t y .

Then

I

gates waiting for him with a set of baby reins.

though she might have

married me

for my fame and fortune, but she comes from a wealthy

Most families give their robot a pet name almost

family so that seemed unlikely. It was only when I came

immediately, with Robbie being the favourite name by

across some of her diaries from when we were courting

a long chalk. This is perfectly acceptable as long as

that I realised the truth. That no-good bitch married me

the men of the house, Robert and Bobby Jr., have no

just so I could light her damn barbecues.”
objections.

Here’s a FREE 30 Day Money Back Guarantee for

In fact, why not have

our readers. We’re not selling anything and it doesn’t

two? Now you’ve got

apply to anything, we just thought you might find it

peace of mind for 60

useful.

days.

STAR SELLS BATHWATER

Hollywood actress, Angelinica Hott-Stuff, plans to raise asses for the
past year to try and get a part my lips aren’t money for charity by
selling

in good shape. And unhygienic too. Then

bottles of her bath water on Ebay.

I thought about selling my uneaten

"It's for the children," she said at

dinners, but that wouldn't raise much as

a press conference yesterday.

I was taught to clear my plate. The bath

"Those poor kids, trapped in a

water idea came to me while I was lying

hurricane

with

famine,

an

in the tub and it just seemed perfect. I

earthquake and an epidemic, it
have three baths a day, ever since sweet

makes your heart bleed."

Johnny Dipp told me I was stinking, and

Ms Hott-Stuff, who has not

putting it into 250ml bottles should mean

appeared in a hit film for several

there's quite a lot to sell for the poor

years, went on to explain how she

children who have so recently lost a limb

had come up with her money-

and been orphaned while fleeing a

raining scheme.

meteorite collision in a minefield. I expect

"At first I was going to let the fans

bidding to start at $1,000 and who knows

kiss me to raise money, but as

how high it can go. It’s what every

I’ve been kissing producer’s

Angelica Hott-Stuff fan wants."

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 38

First, look like this.

Then, change to this.

Now, convert to this.

Finally, become this.
Professor Pete gives you indispensable advice on all Dear Colin, your
problems.

I wouldn’t call this a folk tale, more an urban myth as it Dear Pete,

did not become current till the 1950s when dentists My friend has told me
that scrambled eggs can be formed their professional organisations tasked
with dangerous if eaten to excess. This worries me as they promoting
their sadistic trade. Extensive research has are a favourite of my
husband. Is there any truth in this? proven that telling lies does not
make your teeth fall out, Betty Pitman, Birnley

though your hair is liable to start disappearing if you tell Dear Betty,

too many whoppers.

To my knowledge no-one has ever been harmed

Professor Pete

through eating scrambled eggs apart from Terry

Bogger who tripped over a bowl and struck his head

Dear Prof,

against a bread knife. Even then he only suffered

I am aged 9 and have a girlfriend. I have kissed her 6

slight cuts and lived a full and productive life.

times. How many times can I kiss her before I have to

Scrambled eggs were even regarded as having

marry her? I like kissing her but don’t think I’m ready

medicinal properties by the ancient Incas though

for marriage yet.

some historians have suggested this was due to

intensive lobbying by their Egg Marketing Board. I

Bill, Sunderland

wouldn’t recommend eating them all day, or indeed

Dear Bill,

every day, but the odd egg scrambled on toast can
do no harm of a morning.

You’re a brave little chap, admitting you have a girlfriend and even that
you kiss her. According to the laws of

Professor Pete

England you can kiss her 18 times before you have to

Dear Professor,

propose, but she has the right to refuse, especially if Is there any
truth in the folk tale that telling lies will you’re rubbish at it. After
32 all bets are off.

make your teeth fall out?

Professor Pete

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Colin, Kansas




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 39

A COMEDY SOAP OPERA

BARMAIDS

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BIG JOE DONNA NORMA ANNABELLE SUSAN RITA TOMMY

Big Joe MacLean had named his pub The Ardent Hedonist because he hadn’t a
clue what it meant. It was suggested to him by a friend and, rather than
admit his ignorance and because it sounded impressive, he agreed to it.
Only later did he look up a dictionary and find that it meant someone
with an enthusiasm for sensual pleasure and this pleased him, it was what
a pub should be.

Joe had started out as a plumber and worked all the hours God gave him
before striking out and starting his own business, but his heart had
always been set on owning and running his own pub. Now, though the
brewery might own the building, the Ardent Hedonist was his.

He’d dealt   with   every shade of human being during he career and believed
the secret   of a   successful pub was the staff. Give guys pretty girls to
serve them   beer   and you were made. To that end he’d assembled a
collection   that   crossed the spectrum. Old and young, pretty and plain,
flirty and staid. They were Joe’s staff and collectively they were the
BARMAIDS.

It was a quiet afternoon and Norma was whiling away the time polishing
the gantry. She was the oldest of the girls, in her 50s, but slim and
well turned out. In her day she’d been a bit of a blonde stunner, but now
the lines were beginning to show across her finely chiselled face. Susan
came through from the kitchen behind the bar, a perplexed look on her
face, and Norma raised an eyebrow in enquiry.

“Big Joe called me a trumpet yesterday,” Susan whined “What do you think
he meant by that?” Norma let her gaze run over Susan’s low top and short
skirt. “Are you sure he didn’t say ‘strumpet’?” Susan’s perplexed look
deepened. “Strumpet? What’s that?” Norma wondered how this appellation
could be explained and settled on, “It’s like a slapper, only not as
classy.”

Susan snorted. “I’m not a slapper, or a strumpet. I’m a flirt.” Norma
sighed, “Whatever suits you, but you’re the only one that gets a short
skirt bonus.” Susan stuck out a foot proudly. “Only cos I’ve got the legs
for it.” Norma had been flashing her underwear to men before Susan was
born and wasn’t impressed. “Why don’t you just came in naked? Imagine how
much you’d get in bonuses then.”

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 40

Big Joe MacLean had named his pub The Ardent Hedonist because he hadn’t a
clue what it meant. It was suggested to him by a friend and, rather than
admit his ignorance and because it sounded impressive, he agreed to it.
Only later did he look up a dictionary and find that it meant someone
with an enthusiasm for sensual pleasure and this pleased him, it was what
a pub should be.

Joe had started out as a plumber and worked all the hours God gave him
before striking out and starting his own business, but his heart had
always been set on owning and running his own pub. Now, though the
brewery might own the building, the Ardent Hedonist was his.

He’d dealt   with every shade of human being during he career and believed
the secret   of a successful pub was the staff. Give guys pretty girls to
serve them   beer and you were made. To that end he’d assembled a
collection   that crossed the spectrum. Old and young, pretty and plain,
flirty and   staid. They were Joe’s staff and collectively they were the
BARMAIDS.

It was a quiet afternoon and Norma was whiling away the time polishing
the gantry. She was the oldest of the girls, in her 50s, but slim and
well turned out. In her day she’d been a bit of a blonde stunner, but now
the lines were beginning to show across her finely chiselled face. Susan
came through from the kitchen behind the bar, a perplexed look on her
face, and Norma raised an eyebrow in enquiry.

“Big Joe called me a trumpet yesterday,” Susan whined “What do you think
he meant by that?” Norma let her gaze run over Susan’s low top and short
skirt. “Are you sure he didn’t say ‘strumpet’?” Susan’s perplexed look
deepened. “Strumpet? What’s that?” Norma wondered how this appellation
could be explained and settled on, “It’s like a slapper, only not as
classy.”

Susan snorted. “I’m not a slapper, or a strumpet. I’m a flirt.” Norma
sighed, “Whatever suits you, but you’re the only one that gets a short
skirt bonus.” Susan stuck out a foot proudly. “Only cos I’ve got the legs
for it.” Norma had been flashing her underwear to men before Susan was
born and wasn’t impressed. “Why don’t you just came in naked? Imagine how
much you’d get in bonuses then.” Susan though about it for a moment
before finally making an executive decision. “Aye well, maybe in the
summer.”

At the other end of the long bar the manageress, Donna, was initiating
new recruit, student Rita.

“This business is all about people, pet,” she instructed. “You might
think it’s about selling booze, but it’s really all about people. It’s a
people business. And if you can handle that you can handle anything in
the world. Any job you go into, it’s all about people. What is it you’re
studying again?”

“Rocket science,” Rita confessed.

“Well there you go, even them spacemen is people. Away behind the bar now
and learn off Norma and Susan.” Rita obeyed her instructions and joined
Susan at the other end of the bar, though the chances of learning
anything from her seemed minimal as she was giving a good impression of a
statue. Rita’s arrival however, inspired her to activity and she shifted
some coasters three inches along the bar.

“Did I hear you right there,” she asked her younger colleague, “you’re
going to be a rocket scientist?” Rita nodded. “Applied rocket propulsion,
I’m a hands-on kind of person.”

“Oh yeah, me too,” Susan squealed appreciatively. “Still, you’ll be
useful at New Year’s.”

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 41
The first chapter from rom-com novel, The Stormer, by award-winning
author, Gurmeet Mattu.

Struggling artist, Hugh, thinks he’s made it when he’s commissioned to
paint a mural on the gable end wall of a tenement building in his beloved
Glasgow .

He paints a nude of his first love, Davina. But she’s married to senior
policeman, Crawford, now and he’s not happy about this portrayal of his
wife. He sets police unit The Mad Skwad the task of sorting Hugh out, and
has him barred from all the city’s businesses.

Enter a whimsical world where romantic ideals meet sheer idiocy,
populated by a biker called Midden, a tramp called The Shame, a gang
leader called Slab and a gorgeous, naked, redhead called The Stormer.

The Sunday Times called the stage version “…an off-beat romantic comedy,
full of incident, colour and suspense".

THE STORMER

Davina was her name and she pleaded that I should not write this, that I
should not expose her to the world.

Apologies, sweet Davey, whose standard would I bear if your starlit eyes
had not so pleaded. Those days are gone.

1. THE WALL AND THE PEOPLE

See wee Hugh, way up there, high in the sky, splashing on paint like
there was a world glut - a paint lake? A paint mountain?

There’s a heap of red, because he’s on her hair now, and he’s got to get
it right, tints of yellow, splashes of orange.

And her? She's washing dishes, of course, like she always does.

Up in the cool fresh air, the sun blazing down, Hugh wiped the sweat from
his forehead. Nudes always did that to him.

Took a breather, leaning on the scaffolding, looked out over the city.
This wee guy, barely five five, with his shaggy hair and moustache,
unkempt, unloved, this heartbreaker.

Oh Glasgow.

See, there were these three kids once, grew up together in that fair
city, nation of Scotland, continent of Europe.

They went to school together, played together, fought together. They knew
each other well, and in the way of such things they became lovers and
haters, winners and losers, dreamers and the dreamed about.
Their names were Hugh Cooper, the hero of our tale; Crawford Gillespie,
the villain; and Davina McLean, the Stormer.

Later, Crawford became a policeman, the crown prince of the Strathclyde
Force, and married the beautiful Davina.

And Hugh? Well, Hugh’s way up there, high in the sky, splashing paint all
over Glasgow.

It’s what he does, creates his art, hanging outside a renovated tenement
building, its stone-work sand-blasted to the colour of cream. At its side
is a vacant lot, a piece of waste ground, now being landscaped by
workmen.

They are creating a little city garden with patches of grass, flower
beds, a rockery, park benches. It’s nice.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 42

There is scaffolding across the gable end, and much of it is shrouded in
canvas. But there’s a gap in the canvas, high up on the wall, because
Hugh needs light to work.

He is ladling on the paint with a large brush, like any other busy
artisan. The paint he is enthusiastically throwing onto the wall is an
orangey red.

A very similar orangey red to the overalls Fiona was wearing. Fiona was a
smallish and feisty-looking blonde in her mid 20s, with a cuddly look
that was deceptive.

She walked towards a cubicle, carrying a pile of towels. The massage
parlour was pine-panelled and hygienic looking, though a little faded.
Fiona entered the cubicle where a fat, naked, man was lying face down on
the couch. Fiona dumped the towels, poured oil on the man's back and
began massaging.

After a while his hand dropped from his side, to brush against her leg.
Getting braver, he stroked her leg. Fiona sighed resignedly, took a
pencil from her pocket and moved it towards the man's backside where she
made one rapid stabbing motion. There was a sharp intake of breath, and
his hand withdrew quickly from her leg. Fiona returned the to pencil to
her pocket and, having dealt with the occupational hazard, returned to
taking care of the fat man’s less carnal needs.

Meanwhile, Hugh climbed down the ladder, watched by two 10 year old boys.
The boys had been annoying the gardeners, but those of the green fingers
had finished for the day and were packing their van. Hugh got to the
bottom and started fussing about with paint cans, mixing up a new batch
of paint. The two boys came over to watch what he was doing, then looked
up at the wall.

Finally the smaller boy gathered his courage and asked the question with
a cough. “What is it, mister ?” His friend, the sophisticate, answered
for Hugh. “It's a muriel, ya wanker.” The younger lad, a budding art
critic, was all eagerness. “Is it? Let’s see it, mister, go on.” Hugh
dealt with them as he had been dealt with when young. “Bugger off.” He
continued stirring the paint, the same orangey-red.

Very similar in colour to the red hair of Davina.

She was washing dishes.

Plate. Into the basin of soapy water. Good scrub. Rinse under running
tap. Stack.

She was one of the few people in the world who had actually been trained
to wash dishes. Her mother had been that kind of woman.

Davina was five foot eleven inches tall. Her inside leg was 38 inches,
and her legs had good tone and shape.

She took size six shoes. Her bum was small and neat, and yet well
defined. Her hips were 34 inches, her waist was 22 inches and her stomach
was flat and tight. Her chest was 34 inches, but she had a narrow back
and took a C cup. Her skin was flawless, without blemishes, marks or
scars. It was the colour of light honey. Her hair was the flaming orange
of a promising evening, and her face was that dream of symmetry and
perfection. Wide eyes, hazy grey. Retrousse nose. Wide mouth. High
cheekbones. Dimple in chin. She had Audrey Hepburn’s neck.

She finished the dishes and dried her hands. There was a pile of
housework to do, but she didn't feel like it.

She never did.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 43

Why did semi-detached, three bedroom houses in Bearsden take so much
cleaning? Davina didn't know it, but it was an unavoidable law of nature.
When you moved into the middle class suburbs from a working class
tenement, your time and effort expenditure didn't increase in proportion
to the increase in living space. It rose in direct relationship to the
value of the new property. Once I was poor and dirty, now I am rich and
clean.

She was wearing a pair of faded denims and a cheesecloth blouse. Apart
from that she was bare-foot, bare-assed, and bare-boobed. The animal
lurked inside her yet.
She made a cup of lemon tea, took it through to the lounge and curled up
on the leather settee. Her breathing was slow and settled as she sipped,
she was waiting. Soon, she slept and when she awoke she made the
transformation that was expected of her. She went through to the bedroom
and became a lady, dressing as befitted the wife of a superintendent of
police.

Her bedroom was well-appointed, fitting for a nice middle-class couple.

Davina tried on different clothes in front of a full-length mirror. One
skirt was a fraction above the knee and obviously pleased her, because
she swished about in it. The front door slammed and Crawford, her
husband, tall and distinguished in his police superintendent's uniform,
appeared at the bedroom door, saw the amount of leg displayed, frowned
and shook his head. It was an order.

Hugh was packing up his equipment and soaking his brushes as an old Volvo
pulled up and Fiona got out. She kissed Hugh warily, avoiding his painted
surfaces, then stood back while he continued packing. When his attention
was away from her, she began edging towards the scaffolding. But Hugh
noticed her out of the side of his eye.

Just as she got to the canvas and made furtive attempts to pull it away,
he made a leap towards her. There was a little mock struggle and she ran
away from him to the other end of the wall, to hold the other edge of the
canvas and threaten to lift it. He stalked towards her and she lifted the
canvas a little higher. The threat was implicit, one step further and she
would lift the canvas and look. Hugh, stymied, dropped to his knees and
threw open his arms, begging her not to. She laughed and came towards
him, kissed him this time without caring about the paint. She helped him
pack his gear into the boot of the car and they drove away from the
tenement wall.

A large dark Audi pulled up outside the church and Crawford got out and
opened the passenger door for Davina.

She was dressed very demurely in a tweed suit.

They walked towards the church, where other police officers and various,
dignified and suited, middle-aged men were gathering. They were all
accompanied by wives, all dressed soberly, but not quite as rigidly as
Davina.

There was much genteel hand-shaking and back slapping, but it was
Crawford who participated. Davina was left standing alone and Crawford
had to come back for her to escort her into the church.

The Dog’s Breath, a grubby bar which had no character apart from its
customers. There were students, an arty crowd, bikers, actors, poets,
derelicts, nurses and workmen. It was noisy, a jukebox blaring, and there
was heavy drinking going on.
Hugh and Fiona entered the pub and struggled through the crowd towards
Midden, leather-jacketed, bearded and long-haired, standing with a crowd
of other bikers. Hugh reached the bar and waved over Bob, the manager.

He passed him a cheque he produced from an envelope and asked him, in a
loud voice, to cash it.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 44

Bob wondered, and knew that Hugh knew, that the days of signing the backs
of cheques was long gone, but glancing at the slip, was wise to his
purpose. He whistled dutifully. “This is for ten grand, Hugh, I can't
cash that.”

Hugh gave a gleeful explanation, “Came this morning, wages for the
painting from the council. Give me a sub on it.”

Bob joined him in his moment of glory, “You’ll be buying everybody a
drink then?” Hugh glanced round at the huge number of people in the bar
and shrugged, “Damn right.” The service had just ended and the
congregation were slowly filing out. There was a lot of chatting between
the business types, networking. The police officers had their own little
section and as they left Chief Constable Burroughs put his arm round
Crawford’s shoulder.

“I hate these duty calls,” Burroughs said, “Half these buggers are
probably laundering some ill-gotten gains.” Crawford nodded. “Yes, but a
very thought-provoking sermon, I thought.” Burroughs looked at him
quizzically, but then shrugged it off.

“I noticed Stoker was here,” Burroughs commented “Shows initiative for a
young fellow.”

“He’ll go far, sir. I’ll keep an eye out for him.”

“Henderson was late, saw him sneaking in at the end.”

Crawford could not help but agree with his superior. “He’s slow with his
paperwork too. Room there for improvement, if you ask me. But at least he
showed up.”

Burroughs nodded, not really looking at Crawford.

“Your Davina looked stunning, as usual.”

Crawford smiled gratefully, then looked round, puzzled, searching for
Davina. Her mane of red hair identified her, sitting alone, eyes closed,
half asleep in the near empty church.
Back in the Dog’s Breath everybody was drunk to various degrees. Hugh
turned to the throng of bikers surrounding him and said, “You’re not all
turning up, and that’s final. It’s my big day and I’m not having you
screwing it up.”

Midden, smiling wickedly, cuddled up to him. “We want to see your
picture, Hugh. This masterpiece, that’s going to make you world famous
... well, locally speaking.”

Hugh shrugged him off. “You can see it after the opening. I’m not having
you there noising everybody up and stealing the drink.”

Midden was staggered. “Drink?   You never said there was drink involved.”
Hugh sensed danger and pulled   Fiona aside. “You make sure that arsehole
brother of yours doesn’t turn   up.” Fiona comforted him with a smile.
“They won’t be there, they’re   only winding you up. They know it’s
important to you.”

Midden came up behind Hugh and thrust his wiry frame against Hugh's butt.
“Hugh! Can I shag you when you’re famous ?”

The following morning City Council vans and lorries arrived at the
tenement. Workmen and equipment poured out of these. Rubbish was cleared
from the newly-landscaped waste ground in front of the gable end and
carted away in trucks. A little stage was erected at the side with a line
of chairs, and a little podium was placed on it

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 45

with a microphone on a stand. A small marquee was put up beside it.
Tables were set up and caterers arrived to lay out a buffet and wine.

Fiona’s flat was girlie. Pastel shades and teddy bears. The style was
poor, but the expensive looking TV, DVD

and surround sound system showed that this was down to a lack of taste,
not cash.

Fiona was still running around in her knickers, but Hugh was dressed,
wearing the same T-shirt, jeans and long coat he had worn the day before.
He was in the bedroom, sprawled in an armchair, gently swigging from a
bottle of wine. There was a strange look on his face as he considered
what this day meant to him. To his life, his career, his ambitions, his
art.

“You can’t go like that,” Fiona screeched.

Hugh looked down at himself. “It’s all I’ve got.”
Fiona walked over to a wardrobe and threw it open to show a rack of
Italian suits. “I’ve bought you hundreds of clothes.”

Hugh made a face and turned away. “Let’s not start that again. When I buy
you hundreds of clothes, then I’ll wear the hundreds of clothes you’ve
bought me.”

“Well, you’ve got plenty of money now, go and get yourself some decent
gear.” Hugh considered this, then shook his head sadly. “Thing is, it’s
been so long, I don’t know what ‘decent’ means any more.”

Jedward wrote, “The Stormer is absolutely marvellous. captivating. It
motors along at a decent pace. Has It should be on the best seller list
(and perhaps one fine enjoyable characters and witty dialogue.” day will
be!) The writing is superb and light and joyous Jane Alexander wrote, “I
like this a lot, a heck of a lot.

and hilarious.

It is easy in its skin, has great characters, pace and faultless
dialogue.”

Pat Black said, “In its warm glow of humanity - though

andyroo wrote, “Original, enjoyable and down to earth.

never forced nor cloying - I saw a lot of Bill Forsyth's

Fun reading that doesn’t take itself too seriously.”

movies, that great west of Scotland artist; Hugh's

Nick Poole2 wrote, “The pencil stab. "It's a muriel, ya dealings with the
neds, the "friendly shag" gesture of wanker." The animal lurked inside
her yet. It was an the biker. Great humour and married with fine

order. "You make sure that arsehole of a brother doesn't storytelling.”

show up." The Bikers. "Can I shag you when you're rich Andrew W. said, “I
love the quirky descriptions, the way

and famous."

the author throws the words around like he does the All places where I
experienced that pang somewhere

paint at the beginning. Superb characterisation, the city

between admiration, "I wish I'd written that" and as much of a character
as the people. Enjoyed

"bastard! talented git."
immensely, very well done.

Francesco wrote, “ When I finished this I sat around trying to think of
something that was as original and ONLY

funny as the text I'd just read...I failed. This is written

£1.99

with a pacy, easy prose; its full of clever conversation

and is very entertaining.”

T.L Tyson wrote, “This is really, really enjoyable. I love Click book
cover

to buy the ebook

the opening sentence, piqued my interest. There is a

as a pdf

natural quirky way of writing which made reading this

download.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 46

HITLER’S MOUSTACHE FOUND

Hitler's moustache has been found in the city of Kiev. Igor insists that
It is in the hands of Ukrainian Igor Abigun who inherited he will never
it from his grandfather who was serving with the Third sell it

to

Ukrainian Front of the Red Army when they swept into fascists and

Berlin in 1945.

mocks the idea

"My grandfather may have been from Kiev, but he was that it has any no
chicken," said Igor. "He and his comrades found powers, though Hitler's
bunker and the spot where the fascist dictator's he admits to body was
found. It was supposed to have been burnt strong urges to but fragments
remained, one of which was the invade Poland moustache and my
grandfather, who suffered from mild whenever he kleptomania, took it. It
has been in our family ever since." handles the relic. To guard against
fascist bids when Igor places it on ebay, bidders will be required to
sing

The moustache has long been

the full version of the Internationale when placing a bid.

sought after by neo-Nazi groups

who claim it has mystical powers

The moustache will be going as part of a job lot along

and is a necessary symbol for the

Hitler before

with a pair of Eva Braun's bloomers and a signed copy

formation of the fourth reich. But

moustache.

of the Hermann Goring Cookbook.

By Sir Arthur Conan the Barbarian

It was on the morning of February the 14th that Mrs Hudson brought up a
letter which, for once, was addressed to me and not to Holmes. Being
unused to much correspondence I eyed it suspiciously, especially as the
envelope was of a vivid pink hue. I feigned indifference but eventually,
and with not much not else to do, for Holmes had not yet risen, I took a
knife and gingerly opened it.

The notepaper too was pink and so powerfully scented that my senses
reeled. I unfolded it cautiously and noted that the writing was decidedly
elegant, using a light blue ink. It read as follows: My Dearest James,

I feel that on this day of love I should reveal to you how I truly feel.
I love you. There, I have not beaten about the bush, but given you the
matter plainly, for I am overcome with passion. If you fancy giving me a
good seeing to, meet me in the lane behind the Pavilion Theatre at nine
pm tonight.

Yours in amour,

S.H.

As I concluded Holmes came through from his bedroom and sniffed the air.

"Ah, someone has an admirer," he said, stretching himself.
"I don't know what to make of it," I stammered, "I'm sure I have no idea
who my correspondent is."

I passed the letter to Holmes who read it with unmitigated glee.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 47

"Well, there's no mystery here, Watson," Holmes snorted, "You shall know
who holds such passion for you at nine this evening."

I was stunned. "Do you expect me to go?"

"And why not?"

"But Holmes, this person sounds so vulgar, asking for a good seeing to…"

"Your paramour is outspoken, I'll admit, but one mustn't jump to
conclusions. Each different person has a different frame of reference and
what a good seeing to might mean to you and I, might mean coffee and cake
to this individual."

"Do you really think so?"

"Nine tonight will tell the tale. Take a handkerchief for if it's coffee
and cake you'll need one to wipe your chin and if it's the other you'll
need it to wipe your sweat."

Again, I was stunned, for Holmes rarely used vulgarities and then only in
jest. Holmes handed me back the letter and my eyes flew to the letters
S.H. Could this too be one of Holmes's jokes? Generally speaking he was
not a man much given to humour

but the only alternative was that he actually meant it!

Could it be? Could Holmes be in love

with me? Was the great detective of the

Sodomite race? My mind raced as I

pondered these questions. I observed

Holmes minutely but his behaviour

seemed as normal as usual. He was

involved in a case which required
his utmost concentration and I feared to

disturb him. In any case, what

could I do, confronting him with my

suspicions was unthinkable.

I spent a restless day reading

some scientific journals and after dinner

Holmes informed me that the case required

him to spend the evening prowling the west end

of London in disguise and that I was not required to accompany him.

I did not see him as he left but his voice boomed from the stairway as he
departed.

"Enjoy yourself, Watson!"

I could, of course, have ignored the summons, but the sense of enquiry
which my companionship with Holmes had engendered would not be denied.
Consequently at eight thirty I donned my coat and caught a hansom cab for
the Pavilion.

It was a bitterly cold night and a fog was rising but they did not affect
me for I was a man on a mission, I had to know if Holmes was a gayboy.

I pushed through the happy crowds flocking to the theatre and before long
was in the dark alley. Silence awaited and a certain dread filled me. I
heard the sharp click of female boots approaching me. Looking up I saw a
tall, slim woman coming nearer.

"James? Is that you, James?"

The voice was deep but female. Yet Holmes was a fine actor and such an
impersonation would not be beyond him.

"It is I, Dr Watson," I replied.

"Don't be so formal, Jimmy baby. Come and give me a kiss."

The character unwrapped her scarf and I saw a long face with a slightly
hooked nose. The make-up was heavy, but the features familiar.

"Who are you?" I croaked.

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE
Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 48

"Oh, you don't know me yet, Jimbo. But tonight you're going to get to
know me very well."

And with that she leant against the wall, unbuttoned her coat and let it
fall away from her, while lifting her skirts to display a shapely pair of
legs.

"You strumpet!" I cried. I edged a few steps away, then turned and began
to run. But my retreat did not proceed as I had planned. A leg snaked out
and caught my ankle, sending me sprawling to the ground. In a moment I
was under my assailant and fighting for my dignity as long, slim but
extremely strong hands probed at my clothing.

I tried to fight back but my attacker was too strong and at that moment I
knew that this was no normal woman, it could only be Holmes and this was
no jest. He did indeed want me to give him a good seeing to! Like a man
drowning my mind flashed to the past. Of Holmes's indifference to women
and other telltale signs that I had ignored, or put down to the
detective's unique character.

Suddenly, I saw my chance, my attacker had divested me of my trousers and
was engrossed in investigating my underpants. I let fly with a right hook
and was heartened to see the beast collapse in a heap at my side.

As I collected myself and rearranged my clothing I heard an imperious
voice.

"What on Earth are you doing, Watson?"

I looked up to see Holmes standing above me in the guise of a west end
dandy.

"Holmes? But? But?" I stammered and pointed to the comatose form beside
me.

"Ah, you seem to have knocked her out. A lucky shot, I'd guess, for she
has an iron jaw. I recognised her perfume instantly from your letter.
Watson, let me introduce my sister, Shirley Holmes."

IT IS SAID THAT MANY PEOPLE DIE

FROM ALCOHOL.

BUT CONSIDER ALSO, HOW MANY

ARE BORN BECAUSE OF IT.

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE
Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 49

THE BENEFITS OF CHANGING YOUR NAME

What are the benefits of changing your name? Put simply, your name is
your identifier or brand, and what it conveys to others defines how they
think of you. It is vital therefore that your name shows the true you. No
one would have been surprised at J. Edgar Hoover wearing a dress if it
had been realised that his first name was Jane.

Some surnames, of course, derive from professions or peculiarities our
ancestors may have had. Thus someone called Fletcher had an ancestor who
made arrows, and someone called Hic had a forebearer who was a drunk.

Thus it is important that your name accurately reflects your personality
and, as it is relatively easy to change one's name, there is no reason

why you should be saddled with a bland John Smith when you could draw
admiring glances if known

as Ralph Rocketshot.

Care must be taken however.

There is the tale of

Norman Smallparts who decided

to change his name after

many

years

of

intense

embarrassment, He

missed the point however by

changing it to Jimmy

Smallparts. On a similar note

some names may carry

historical connotations which

must be shrugged off. For
instance no member of the

Mengele family should

consider a career in medicine

without a name change.

Honesty is the best policy

when deciding on what to

change your name to.

There is nothing wrong with

naming yourself after your

heroes, but again care

must be taken in selection.

Muhammad Ali Eastwood

might sound strange to some

ears,

while

Tarzan

Travolta is really going to

confuse the kids.

Physical descriptions are fine, but only if they accurately describe your
appearance. Don't expect anybody to accept you as Butch Rockcrusher when
you weigh 100lbs, even if you are a girl, and Red McPherson needs to have
at least some hair.

Your personal abilities can also supply an apt name. Boxers of course
have it easy, as witness Hitman Hearns and Sugar Ray Leonard, though
Deadly Docherty was better known for flatulence rather than fisticuffs.
Where you have a touch of schizophrenia however this can be confusing.
Harpo Einstein says nothing about you.

Adopting a foreign name can have definite advantages. Women still swoon
over the mere mention of Giacomo Casanova, but it's doubtful they would
cross the road for him if he'd been known by the English translation of
Jack Newhouse. And Che Guevara's real first name was Ernesto. What kind
of revolutionary is called Ernie?
In conclusion let us take as an example a guy called Thomas Forrester who
wants to change his name to something better suited to his personality.
He is called Thomas after his mother's father and as he loved the old man
he would be loathe to drop it. The Forrester is a tribute to his father's
ancestors, who carved their way through forests to build our modern
civilisation, another piece of heritage that he does not want to lose.
The answer, of course, is easy, he simply changes his name to Forrester
Thomas.

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 50

AM-DRAM GROUP ARE MAGNIFICENT

The Upper Wobbly Amateur Drama Society of Leicestershire in England are
planning a stage version of movie The Magnificent Seven for their debut
production this autumn.

"It will be based on the Sturges movie and not the Kurosawa version,"
said director, Nobby Carter, who will also play Vin, the part played by
Steve McQueen in the epic western.

"I will be Chris, the Yul Brynner part," added Sally, Nobby's wife, "and
I will be shaving my head to get into character. Vicky will be Britt, as
she's so good with kitchen knives and Joe will take the Robert Vaughn
part as he's such a depressing shit."

Sally Carter

displays

"We're all western fans," continued Nobby, "and were fairly determined to
bring incredible

acting skills.

a classic western to the stage for the Upper Wobbly audience. We
considered The Alamo and Gunfight at the OK Corral, and Lou even
suggested Blazing Saddles, but Betty refused to do the flatulence scene
which I, as the director, thought was essential to the basic character
development within the plot arc.

The only change we have made is that, instead of helping out poor Mexican
villagers, our Magnificent Seven will be helping out a group of Leicester
chiropodists who are being threatened by a gang of accountants. However,
neither the chiropodists or accountants actually appear in the piece." "

"In the end run it came down to the fact that Melvin had the soundtrack
album,"
Sally contributed.

"That and the fact we have seven actors," concluded director Nobby.

CODES IN TARTAN

Researchers at Strathclyde University in Glasgow, Scotland, claim to have
discovered the secret behind tartan or plaid, as it is known in the U.S.

"Tartan contains a hidden code," explained Dr Noddy Chancer, "It
literally speaks to us. Early tartans, identified with the regions of
Scotland where they were manufactured, rather than individual clans, but
they all told of the origins of the celtic peoples in the middle of the
Euro-Asian landmass and their migration to the western fringes of Europe.
All tartans are actually a history book in cloth. This was the reason why
the wearing of tartan was banned by the English in 1746, they were trying
to extinguish our history."

The research team at the University have not yet decoded all of the 7,000

currently recognised tartans but are making good progress.

"The thing is," added Chancer, "that newer tartans have been designed
without any knowledge of the code they represent and they therefore read
as utter gibberish or as something very rude. The official tartan of
Microapple Computers, designed last year, for instance reads 'I would
rather dance with a clergyman than go trout fishing.' I can't believe
that the Pic by tienvijftien

designer actually meant to say that, though graphic designers are often
very sad and lonely people."

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 51

SHARON:

Hey, good lookin’, what ya got cookin’?

JULIE:

Didn’t work, though, did it?

JULIE:



Shaz, baby, how’s it going?
SHARON:

No, Ben’s not interested in a

SHARON:

Okay, but this job is boring.




relationship. He says he’s committed

JULIE:



I thought you had some smart looking




to his career.




guys there.

JULIE:

That’s a salesman for you. Money

SHARON:

Oh, they’re dishy enough, but I think

mad.




they’re all gay. I think there’s

SHARON:

Had a nice car though.
something about working with ball

JULIE:

Slut! You’re not supposed to like




bearings that attracts the gay man.

men for their cars. You’ve got to like

JULIE:



Get away!

them for their personality.

SHARON:

I’m telling you. I’ve been flirting and

SHARON:

I think a man’s car says something




pouting and acting all girly and nothing.

about him.




My last place that stuff used to have

JULIE:



What does my George’s Ford say
them panting and drooling.




then?

JULIE:

Well, it would, you’re good at that

SHARON:

Says he’s no imagination. He could

pouting.




afford something a bit sporty.

SHARON:

Yeah, there was a day that pout could

JULIE:



He hasn’t got any money, not yet.




bring a grown man to his knees at fifty

SHARON:

His Dad’s rich.




yards. Maybe I’m losing it, getting old.

JULIE:
He doesn’t take anything from his

JULIE:

You could always get that collagen.




parents. Says he wants to make his

SHARON:

No, you know I never went to college.




own way in the world.

JULIE:

There must be one straight guy.

SHARON:

He’s an idiot. If my folks were rich I

SHARON:

Just old Scrotum and his 36” inside leg




wouldn’t be living in a scruffy

and he’s got his Gladys.




apartment and working for Frobisher

JULIE:

Is that her name then, Mrs Scrotum?
& Crutch and their shitty ball

SHARON:

She was round again yesterday,




bearings.




Brought us a cake, chocolate fudge.

JULIE:



What would you be doing then?




She’s good at that baking.

SHARON:

I’d live inside an iPod, texting and

JULIE:

Ooh, chocolate fudge, I think I have a




tweeting to my heart’s content.

little orgasm just saying it.

JULIE:
You’re nuts.

SHARON:

You’re kinky you are.

SHARON:

No, I’m a romantic. I have an

JULIE:

Me, kinky? I’m not the one that kisses




imagination! And dreams!

other girl’s boyfriends.

JULIE:



And spots.

SHARON:

I only borrowed your Dave to make

SHARON:

I hate you sometimes.

Ben jealous.

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE

CATCH UP WITH MORE OF SHARON AND JULIE’S PHONE CONVERSATIONS IN THE
MONTHLY AMOCK.




YOUR STARS WITH

MYSTIC

MABEL
Capricorn - December 22- January 20

Aquarius - January 21 – February 19

Beware of blonde women called Alice.

Try to avoid tight-rope walking during

They are only after one thing, your

the full moon as it will throw your

wristwatch. Drink lots of orange juice

sense of balance out by 3.2%

as this helps the economy of Florida

and my mother lives there

Wear khaki if it rains.

Pisces - February 20 – March 20

Aries - March 21- April 20

Shout as loudly as you can if things

Meat pies will do you no good this

aren’t going your way. A spell in jail

month, especially if you are a

will do you good. Ask for orange juice

vegetarian. Try to take more exercise,

while there.

especially on Wednesday evening

when your body is in harmony.

Taurus - April 21- May 21

Gemini - May 21- June 21

Don’t clock watch this month as the

You have neglected your spiritual

omens that are due will come in their
needs and need to hang about more

own good time. Take up knitting to

with sailors. Nigerian ones are

pass the hours away.

particularly good at this time of year

but the Portugese should be avoided.

Cancer - June 22 – July 23

Leo - July 24 – August 23

It was General George S. Patton who

Magenta is a pretty colour, but it

said, “I could kill for a bacon

doesn’t suit you, especially as it

sandwich.” Let that be a lesson for

clashes with your eyes and your

you.

underwear. I’d give away that

business suit.

Virgo - August 24 – September 23

Libra - September 24- October 23

Financial security is at last on the

Whistling show tunes is not a good

horizon as you are likely to find a lost

way to attract a mate. Try dancing,

wallet soon. You can keep the cash,

especially if you know any exotic

but return the credit cards and any

moves which thrill the senses.
other ID.

Scorpio - October 24 – November 22

Sagittarius - November 23 – December

21

Oh Scorpio, you’ve got a broken heart

again, but what can you expect. No-

The charity run was a mistake as the

one is going to put up with such a

hospital bills are likely to be ruinous.

misery guts. Get a smile on and see

No one expected you to win but, of

love grow.

course, you wouldn’t listen.




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 53

BATTLE TUTUS FOR TROOPS

Fashion designer, Ralph Sillytrousers, is set to change the world of
menswear forever with some stunning new innovations.

"Menswear has been drab for too long," he said at the launch of his
summer collection in Rome last week. We are limited to a suit for work
and jeans and t-shirt for leisure-wear, whereas women have a much wider
range of fashion choices they can make."

His first initiative is for a battle tutu for combat soldiers, as he
explained. "I was reading an article and, as I'm mildly dyslexic, I
misread ballet tutu as battle tutu, and I thought,

'What an interesting concept.' A tutu would allow a soldier freedom of
movement, be cool in hot climates, and could be made available in
camouflage colours if necessary. I have submitted a proposal to the U.S.
military and am awaiting a response."

Other innovative concepts from his fertile mind include rubber elbows on
business suits which can be used as erasers, pre-stained boiler suits,
jackets with built in parachutes for pilots and a soluble hat, allowing
the wearer to get the full benefit of his umbrella.

"Some people say I'm mad," added Sillytrousers, "but I don't mind that.
Many great innovators were thought to be insane before the logic of their
ideas became accepted. Many said Einstein was a fool when he invented the
tumble dryer, but he ended up with the Nobel prize for laundry."

Sillytrousers brand 'Whatatwat' will be available at most High Street
stores and, the designer insists, at reasonable prices.

"I don't see why men should have to pay $1,000,000 for a tie. No tie is
worth $1,000,000. I've never paid more than $800,000 for a tie and that
was with an in-built clock-radio, so I'm perfectly in touch with the
financial restrictions placed on the man in the street. My battle tutus
will wholesale to the military at $46,985.95 each.

Outfitting the whole army will mean they have less money for weapons and
therefore can't kill as many people.

Wouldn't that be just wonderful?"

Secrecy is vital to the work of the spy, says British Intelligence
operative, Bert Ross SECRECY

(48), in his recently published autobiography, I Am A Secret Agent.

"The whole Bond thing is rubbish, he wouldn't last ten minutes in the
real world," said VITAL

the married father of three, who lives at 14 Glade Avenue, Pindar, Essex.

FOR

"Bond goes around telling everybody his name and that's a very unsecret
agent in my SPIES

book," added the Newcastle-born beer-drinker at his local pub, The Mole
and Password, in Madrid Street.

His wife, librarian, Gladys, agreed, saying, "Bert is super-secret, the
neighbours all think he's an accountant. That's why I married him.
Imagine my surprise when he produced his credentials on our wedding
night."

"And all that seducing beautiful women is a myth," continued Bert, "Look
at Gladys.

And the double oh section are janitors and Miss Moneypenny is a tea-lady.
Ian Fleming painted a totally false picture of intelligence work, but
then he was only there for a week to help with some filing."
Before he disappeared into the night to pick up the kids from his sister
Janet's, Bert added one final, chilling, line, "I am not licensed to
kill. I am licensed to write a very critical report."

Spy, Bert Ross.

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 54

EARTHMEN WEAR VEGETABLES

"I don't believe you," said Zard, "It defies all logic."

"But it is true, I have seen it with my own eye," Looc answered.

"You must be mistaken."

"I have been a surveyor of alien worlds for forty aeons, I know my
business."

"But vegetables? What sentient being would wear vegetables?"

"These humans do."

"Even our primitive ancestors wore animal skins, not vegetables. Yet you
say these humans are intelligent.

Why would they wear vegetables instead of eating them?"

"They too wear animal skins. And yes, they are intelligent, and
technologically advanced. They have under-arm deodorant."

"But why do they wear vegetables?"

"I do not know, perhaps it has some religious significance."

"They worship turnips?"

"No, they worship television. But, as I have said, they are a strange
race."

"Bring me back a pair of these cotton jeans then. 12" waist."

Recently discovered

friendship with Guinevere was

historical documents have
an attempt to emulate her and

called into question the love

incite Arthur's interest.

affair between Sir Lancelot

"The Knights of the Round

and Queen Guinevere, wife

Table were always on a quest

of King Arthur, which led to

to find the Holy Grail,"

the dissolution of the Round

continued the Prof, "but in

Table and the destruction of

Lancelot's case the Grail lay in

Camelot.

Arthur's codpiece. He would

The documents, discovered in a mediaeval tomb by

wiggle and gyrate in Arthur's presence to arouse him,

archaeologists in Wales, instead claim that Lancelot

but the King only thought he suffered from some

was gay and was only interested in getting fashion

strange malady, as he could not believe that Lancelot,

tips from Guinevere.

who was so masculine in battle, liked to relax in a

"Lancelot was set up by Sir Brutus," said Prof. Dai bubble bath and read
celebrity gossip mags."

Llewelleyan of Cardiff University, "who was jealous of

"The crunch came when female underwear was found

Lancelot's reputation as the finest fighting knight of
in Lancelot's cell. It matched that worn by Guinevere

the Round Table. He knew he couldn't beat him in

and Arthur jumped to an immediate, if false,

combat, so he hatched this plan of claiming that

conclusion. In fact the panties could not have

Lancelot and Guinevere were having it off, even

belonged to Guinevere as Lancelot was considerably

though he knew the Lancelot only visited Guinevere's

larger than she was, but Sir Brutus took charge of the

chamber to discuss the merits of hessian underwear.

evidence and had it boil washed so that it shrunk.

Arthur, who was unaware that Lancelot was gay,

This is what he then presented at Lancelot's trial.

believed Brutus and exiled Lancelot."

Lancelot pleaded that he was a gay cross-dresser, but

The documents further claim that it was in fact King

the thinking of the time could not imagine such a

Arthur that Lancelot was in love with and his

scenario."

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE




BIG TANIA TAKES OVER

SUBMISSIONS

The UK government has

We are currently looking for submissions for

announced that the symbol of
future issues of Amock, both textual and graphic.

Great Britain is to be changed

So if you think you’ve got the ability to make our

and that the replacement for

readers howl with laughter click HERE to visit our Brittania will be Big
Tania.

website and see our submission guidelines and

"She will be a true

submit. Read the magazine to ensure you know

representative of the young,

our style. Anything we use will be paid for. We

modern, British woman" said

look forward to seeing your best work.

Prime Minister, David Cameron.

"She will be a single parent and

be addicted to TV soap operas and talent shows and having unprotected sex
with complete strangers as long as they are called Barry or Kevin.."

The original Britannia was named after a Roman goddess but the modern
version will have no such connotations as authorities fear causing
offence to the religious sensibilities of followers of Jove.

"I'm sure Big Tania will be just as iconic as Britannia," added Cameron,
"and I look forward to hearing English rugby fans singing 'Big Tania, Big
Tania, Big Tania Rules the Waves."

Chaplin angle sewn up and Hermann and I will

NAZI DOUBLE ACT do a passable Laurel and Hardy. Hermann will obviously be
the fat,

Exclusive by Ron

incompetent one and I will

Gullible

be the skinny one that does
Nazi propaganda chief, Josef

the thing with his hair. The

Goebbels, planned to take

scriptwriters are at work

on Hollywood, recent

and Leni (Riefenstahl) will

research has revealed. He,

direct. She isn't really

and Luftwaffe boss, Hermann

known for her comedy work

Goering, hoped to form a

but Goering and Goebbels

comedy double act that

have natural comedic talent

would rival Laurel & Hardy.

which is bound to shine

This information was found in

through. We have already

encrypted sections of his

planned one really funny

diaries, which have only just

scene where we try to get a

been decoded.

piano up some stairs but it

Goebbels wrote, 'This will be

is beyond us, so we get

the crowning achievement of
some Polish slave labourers to do it. My only

my propaganda career, to prove to the world

regret is that we have nobody to challenge

that we weren't nasty Nazis at all, but just

those Hebrew swines, the Marx Brothers, who

harmless comedians. The Fuhrer has the

are said to be favourites of Churchill."



Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 56

SHORT STORY COMPETITION

Here’s a competition for the comedy writers amongst you, with the winner
getting a FREE website from Novel2ebook.com. Here’s the deal -

1. The short story must be between 1,000 and 2,000 words.

2. It can be any genre but must have a strong comedy element and be
suitable for a general audience.

3. It must be submitted as a MS Word file with the title and author’s
name and e-mail address at the top of the script.

4. The deadline is 28th February 2012.

5. The winner will be judged on the strength of the story and the quality
of the writing and humour.

6. Winners will be announced in the February 2012 edition of E-Book
Review.

7. The winner will get - A 20 page website designed and built by
Novel2Ebook. A domain name of your choice (subject to availability)
complete with hosting for a year.

8. All entrants grant first digital publishing rights for their entry to
Amock. Any submissions used within the magazine will receive a fee.

9. The editor’s decision is final.

10. No correspondence will be entered into.

Send submissions to shortstory@amock.net with Short Story Submission in
the Subject field.

NEW SUPERHERO ARRIVES
Residents of Miami can rest easier in their beds from now on as a new
superhero has moved into the city and promises to put criminals to
flight.

He is Invisible-in-the-Dark Man and he aims to clear up the Florida city
of thieves, prostitutes, pimps, gangsters, blackmailers and bankers
within the next few months.

"I will not tire in my fight," he said, "And warn all criminals that
their day is done. My incredible power of invisibility in the dark will
allow me to penetrate their most secret lairs and seek them out, and
though I don't have super-strength I do intend to carry a very large
stick."

"I'm not afraid of their guns either, as I only operate in the dark when
I am completely invisible.

They can't shoot what they can't see. The first they'll know I'm even
there is when they hear the cuffs click round their wrists."

The origins of this strange superpower are shrouded in mystery though it
is suspected that our hero was once bitten by a radioactive octopus from
another planet. However Invisible-in-the-Dark Man refused to confirm
this, claiming that to do so might jeopardise his secret identity.

"I have to be cautious," he explained, "I have a wife and three kids to
think about and little Mikey currently has diarrhoea. Plus which my wife
doesn't approve of my superhero career as there is no salary, health plan
or other benefits. Fighting crime is a job for the cops she says, but I
think all citizens should accept their civic responsibility. Of course my
super-power Invisible-in-the-Dark Man goes

helps."

into action.

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 57

CONFESSIONS OF A MILF

Hi, my name's Joanne Bailey, and I'm what's

litter bearer at the battle of Royston Moor. I do the

commonly regarded as a MILF. For those who don't

laundry on Thursdays and do grocery shopping twice
know, a MILF is a Mother I'd Like to ..uh.. do naughty

a week, usually Sundays and Wednesdays. Young

things to, as popularised in the American Pie movies.

Alan is really into social networking and has friends all

Basically it implies that I am a more mature woman,

over the world through Facebook. Katrin is just a

who younger men have sexual fantasies about.

little sweetheart and very much a Daddy’s girl. She

hasn’t really developed an individual personality yet

So here are my confessions. I am

but I guess that will come once she gets to school.

married to Bill, who's a house painter and

She attends a pre-school nursery and is slowly

we have two kids, Alan (7) and Katrin

becoming more independent.

(4). I'm thirty years old and I've been

Last week she

married to Bill for nine years. I have a

said she wanted

part-time job as a check-out operator

to be a teacher

at our local supermarket, and work

when she grew up.

three afternoons per week there.

Bill goes out for a drink with his

I'm on a low carb.

workmates on a Friday night and
diet at the moment

we go out together on a

(have been for over a

Saturday night. My mother

year) because I put on

babysits and we usually go to

a few pounds after the

a movie or for a meal. I like

kids and my behind is

Johnny Depp but Bill prefers

beginning to sag. I’ve also

action movies, so we

put on four inches on my

usually take turn about

hips. Bill says he doesn’t

when it gets to choosing

mind but I don’t believe him.

what to watch.

Cooking is another hobby and

I like to collect cookbooks. My

We watch quite a lot of television,

favourite style is Italian and I am

and I especially enjoy medical dramas. Bill

learning how to make my own

collects model fire engines and I am taking evening

pasta.

Bill bought me a machine last year
classes in pottery. So far I've made an ashtray,

and though I still haven’t mastered it totally, I’m

though neither of us smoke. I gave it to my father in

getting there.

law. I also embroider cushion covers and give them to

my friends as gifts at Christmas. They’re probably

For holidays we usually go to Spain or Greece,

sick of the sight of them.

though I’d like to take the kids to Disneyland in Forida

one day.

I also enjoy reading and find John Grisham's work

very interesting. Bill likes investigating his family

So, those are my MILFY confessions. I hope they

history on the internet. One of his ancestors was a

turned on all you young guys.

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 58

The great hall rang with a thousand voices. Burning torches around the
walls cast dancing shadows as the great throng moved around. The air was
rich with the smell of spilled beer and roasted ox meat. Tables were
thumped and voices raised and occasionally a female voice shrieked in
indignity. But suddenly there was silence as Vorga entered. He was a big
man. Bigger even than the many fur-clad brutes who clustered around him.
But they made space quickly, for Vorga was known to be short of temper
and quick of sword. He swung one iron shod boot onto a bench and hoisted
himself onto the head table. A cry of welcome was quickly stifled as
Vorga looked around him and slowly nodded his bearded head in approval.

His voice was low and gravelly. “It has been the way of we, the Targen,”
he said, “to gather together in time of war and on the eve of battle to
declare ourselves before our brethren and before the Gods, that all may
know our names and remember them lest we fall in combat.” He paused,
unused to lengthy speech and his great chest filled with air before he
bellowed, “Hail, ye gods, and listen to my words. I come before you, a
Prince of Pelthidor, Master of Volkrane, Holder of the Talisman of Shen-
Derok. I Vorga, son of Rastak, the Soul Shredder.” The crowd roared
enthusiastically and a low chant of ‘Vorga, Vorga’ began. Almost
instantly a smaller man leapt up onto the table beside Vorga. He was
smaller only in height and matched his chief in the breadth of his chest
and the width of his thighs. Unlike Vorga he was clean shaven and his
face was marked with countless scars and his eyes burned. He placed the
head of his great battle-axe on the table and rested his hands on the
haft. His voice was higher than Vorga’s but carried a terrifying
coldness. “Hail, ye gods,” he roared, “and listen to my words. I come
before you, Lord of the Night Realms, Victor of the Battle of Zildar,
Terror of the Hergol. I Damak, son of Jakar, the Blood Scorcher.”

Again there was an enthusiastic roar but as this died away there was a
strange uncertain pause.

Finally a small man, dressed only in a t-shirt and shorts was pushed
forward. One of the warriors grabbed him as he passed and whispered in
his ear. “It is your turn, stranger. Guests precede the nobility in our
tradition.” His great, meaty hand then propelled the stranger onto the
table with one shove.

The stranger looked around him and his heart fell at the sight of the
huge, imposing throng, but Vorga put his hand on his shoulder and gave it
an encouraging, though bone crushing, squeeze. The stranger’s voice was
weedy and did not carry far through the crowd, as he said, “Hail, ye
gods, and listen to my words. I come before you, a confectioner and a
member of the trade federation, a member of the bowling club, fined for
speeding, twice. I, Derek, son of Gladys.”

Silence rippled through the crowd before voices bubbled again. “Derek?”
they cried, and “Gladys?” It was Vorga who calmed his warriors with a
raised hand. He turned to Derek and asked, “Is this true … Gladys?” Derek
cleared his voice and answered in a thin voice, “Yes. I ..I .. never knew
who my Dad was.” Vorga’s great head nodded sympathetically, “Truly, a
tragedy. Enough to crush a warrior’s very soul.” Damak came from behind
them and lay his strong arm across Derek’s shoulders. “Aye, and sap his
very strength,” he said, “To carry such a burden. A loathsome destiny.”
Derek’s spirits rose as Vorga added. “But be not afeared, Derek, son of
Gladys. Where evil lurks, that is where The Brotherhood of the Blade are
to be found. We have faced many such mortal challenges before, and
crushed them beneath our heels.”

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 59
But the crowd seemed to be not so easily accepting. A slow chant began,
“Zemba, Zemba …”, which filled Derek’s soul with dread.

As the chant grew in volume the biggest man Derek had ever seen pushed
his way through the crowd towards them. He was bigger even than Vorga
with a great mass of unruly red hair on his head. His biceps, bulging
from beneath his tattered furs, were bigger than Derek’s head and his
beard seemed like the fiery breath emanating from a dragon’s maw. But it
was his eyes that most struck fear in Gladys’s boy. They were dark and
deep set and should have disappeared inside that giant head, whereas they
shone like beacons. This was Zemba.

Despite this Derek tried to make light of the situation. “Bit of a
mismatch, isn’t it?” But Vorga looked puzzled. “Mismatch?”

“Trial of strength? Test of manhood? Struggle to the death.”

“Nay, stranger,” Vorga laughed, “Think ye that we are barbarians? Zemba
is our resident social worker.” NORM FOUNDS NEW RELIGION

New York dentist, Norm Sacrilegious, has invented a new faith which he
claims could end religious strife throughout the world. The new religion,
to be called Shasbah, will be unveiled during a revelation next week.

"The world has been crying out for a new religion for centuries," Norm
explained, "because all the popular religions have failed to see into the
future and meet the needs of a modern world. Our religion will be wise to
the computer, internet and International Space Station, what other
religion can claim that? Shasbah is a monotheistic religion with only one
God. His name is George, though that may be an alias."

Norm is the self-

proclaimed messenger

of Shasbah, and

went on to state the

requirements of

this new faith.

"What religions do

is control you by

defining what you

can eat and drink.

They dress this up

and call them
Commandments

or some such. Our

requirements are

not God-given,

because I made

them up last Tuesday

In any case, the

consumption of pizza

is definitely

forbidden to followers

of Shasbah,

unless they are of

Chinese origin

and only during the

summer.

Similarly, alcohol is

forbidden, but only between 3.00 and 3.10 GMT on the 8th of August,
unless it falls on a Thursday.

They have very strict rules concerning sexual relations and Norm is
currently considering banning it all together. “A celibate society is a
clean society,” he insisted, “Only the higher echelons of the faith’s
clergy, like what I am, will be permitted any sexual activity. You can
join the upper echelons of the clergy for a modest fee.”

Norm hopes to declare a religious war once he has a few followers, though
he hasn’t yet decided who he will confront in his crusade or jihad.
“Sorry, but that’s what we religious folk do,” he explained.

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 60
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AMOCK

Houseflies: How nutritious?

Turnip fries: Mmmm!

Alcohol: A world shortage looms.

Human flight: The myths

Watching the microwave-an alternative

to TV

Homosexuality to be made compulsory

More ON COMPANY TIME

Know the cheese - Know the man.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 61

WIFE TO SUE JUSTICE DEPT. FOR TURNING HUBBY GAY
The wife of convicted drug-dealer Joe ‘Lefty’

Now all he wants to do is go clothes

Henderson is to sue the Federal

shopping with me. He is a small man

Government, claiming that the five years he

and had to take the passive role in gaol,

spent in jail have turned him into a

but it turned out he liked it and now he

homosexual.

doesn’t even look at me in that way. He

hasn’t touched me since he got out. His

“He was a happily married man before he

idea of a good night out nowadays is a

went in,” she complained, “but the

gay bar or a Barbra Streisand movie. I

hoosegow introduced him to man-love and

am a normal woman and have the

now he’s addicted.”

normal needs of a woman which are

Brenda, Lefty’s wife and mother of their four

going unfulfilled due to my Lefty turning

children now plans to take the Feds to court and is into a fag. Sure he
deserved to get punished for the claiming damages for loss of affection
and contributing dope dealing, that was stupid, but the government to the
destruction of their marriage.

doesn’t have the right to turn a straight guy into a goddam homosexual.”

“He was a normal guy,” she continued, “He drank beer

and watched football till those queers got a hold of him. “I’m sorry for
Brenda, but I can’t help it,” Lefty said.
OBAMA SUGGESTS RETURN TO SLAVERY

US President Barack Obama is suggesting a return to slavery as a way out
of the current economic downturn with millions threatened with
unemployment.

"History only gives us a negative impression of the institution of
slavery," he said at a recent press conference. "Modern day slavery would
have no racist connotations and would be strictly controlled."

He went on to detail the steps he thought necessary to revive the
practice which has been outlawed in the civilised world for over a
hundred years.

"Being a slave would be open to all, regardless of race, colour or creed
and similarly, being a slave owner would be equal opportunity. The slave
owner would not be permitted to punish his slave in any physical fashion,
apart from mild spanking, and any disputes would be resolved by an
independent arbitrator. The slave owner would contract to provide his
slave with housing, food and a decent standard of living including
health-care, while the slave would offer his labour on an unwaged basis."

"The truth is that we have got things wrong," Obama explained, "People
today aren't looking for jobs, they're looking for wages, which is quite
a different thing.

But if you take wages out of the equation and supply the necessities of
life which those wages would have bought, you have a whole new ball game.
Communism has collapsed, capitalism has collapsed, slavery's time has
come."

“He’s nuts,” commented a Republican spokesman. “What he’s suggesting is
indentured labour, a return to serfdom.”

“Serf!” was the President’s response, “That’s the word I was looking
for.”

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 62

UK PM TO BECOME NUDIST

British Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced Coalition partners,
the Lib-Dems currently have no his resolution to become a nudist.

plans to join him in his new endeavour, though Deputy

"The naturist lifestyle has always appealed to me PM Nick Clegg was
spotted recently going to
personally," he explained, adding, "But it is also a green bed without a
tie.

issue as, by wearing less clothes, we will consume less The Labour Party
were quick of our planet's precious resources."

to respond by claiming that

But those looking forward to seeing the old Etonian in this initiative
had been stolen all his nakedness will have to wait for a while, as he
from them as all of their MPs does not plan to shed his clothes
immediately.

were ardent nudists.

"I have always been known for being careful," the PM "We love getting
naked," a said, "and I intend to take the same cautious approach
spokesperson said, "We to my new lifestyle. I will begin by not wearing
socks are starkers most of the as an introductory measure, but can see
myself swiftly time, apart from in the discarding my vest. Perhaps in a
year I will go winter when members commando at the despatch box in the
House of wear a willy warmer.

Commons. Depending on the outcome of the next Especially the women."

election I will then remove my shirt and trousers."

COWARD INVENTS MARTIAL ART

CHILLIES TO CURE BALDNESS

Indian scientist, Vijay Patel, claims to have cured The world's biggest
coward, Arthur Feartie, has baldness by rubbing chillies onto his head.

invented a new martial art. The new form of self

"It is most very wonderful," he said, in a poor parody of defence, called
No Kan Do, is claimed to be superior to

Peter Sellers. "I have been bald since I was seven older, established
eastern methods such as karate, judo

years old, but now I am cured. I use special chillies,

and kung fu and western methods such as boxing.

grown in an allotment in Bradford but using soil from the

"It's a very simple martial art," explained Feartie at his Punjab. I am
sure it is the combination of Indian soil

nodojo (practice hall), "but it is very much a method of and
English

self defence and cannot be used aggressively."

rain which has

Feartie also claimed that he had challenged established

given

my

martial arts masters and that they had not been able to

chillies

such

land a blow on him.

i n c r e d i b l e

"He ran away," said Kwai Chang Lee, Black Belt, 4th properties."

Dan, in karate, who can split an atom with a single blow.

Though

he

"It's no wonder I didn't land a blow on him, he scarpered."

works at the

"That is the beauty of my method," said an unapologetic Y o r k s h i r e

Feartie, "It does not require strength, agility or years of Institute of
Spurious Science, Patel denied that he was

training. When challenged to a fight one merely says

motivated only by profit. "It is really working, honest, I

'No Kan Do' and runs away. I am undefeated in fifteen,

am telling you. This magical product is available for £85

cross-discipline bouts. You no longer need to be

for 100gms only. No cheques."

bullied, just learn No Kan Do."

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE
Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 63

Left-handed blondes frequently marry men

called Kevin.

The Latvian army can march backwards.

Hanging with a bungee cord was rejected as a

Extracted from The Complete Book of Lies by

method of execution by the New Zealand

Professor Ed Spurious.

Supreme Court.

The password to enter the Pentagon on the 4th Sarah Palin once tried to
shoot a moose with a of July 1982 was Enema.

lipstick.

Because of the weight of its population the US

Horace Pendlebury patented the underwater

sinks into the Earth’s crust by 3 mm every

hovercraft in 1932.

year.

The French National Anthem cannot be played

The favourite name for dogs in New Zealand is backwards.

Nancy.

Coating a horse in chocolate is a capital offence

Franciscan monks have a very poor sense of

in Tasmania.

balance.

Being flatulent is a great help in hang-gliding.

Robin Hood was the hide-and-seek champion
of Sherwood Forest for three years running.

Belgian prostitute Brenda Dulay’s mobile sex

service, Feels On Wheels has won a new

The best selling national newspaper in Uganda

business initiative award.

is called the Daily Newspaper.

Leopards have no taste buds.

One of the bodies of the Roswell aliens was

eaten by a local who thought it was road-kill.

Sylvester Stallone likes to bake cakes,

especially sponges.

Transvestites can travel for free on public

transport in Adelaide, Australia.

Dudley Moore went on a 10 year bender to

prepare for the role of Arthur.

Humphrey Bogart collected boomerangs.

Josef Stalin could fart and burp at the same

Ukrainian men are required by law to grow a

time.

moustache at some point in their life.

Margaret Thatcher had her ‘feminine side’

Hangovers can be cured with torture.

surgically removed.

Many circus bearded ladies are lesbians.

George W. Bush was a chess grand master.

Jack the Ripper is a registered trademark.

Eating too much toast can give you malaria.
If you wash your car more than once a week it Gillette will launch the 10
blade razor this year.

will shrink.

Norwegian dentists are exempt from military

The miracle of the moving cheese of San

service if they have had acne.

Fredo, has been proved to be a fraud following

the discovery nearby of a nest of particularly

Men with moustaches often call their sons Eric.

muscular mice.

February is the unluckiest month for

The Japanese have admitted that kamikaze

redecorating your home.

does not mean ‘divine wind’ as they have been The Kama Sutra is available
in cartoon form in claiming since WWII. It actually means ‘stupid parts
of India where literacy levels are low.

bastard’.

Eating over a pound of bacon per day can give

Oliver Reed once bench pressed Orson Welles.

you super strength.

Oil well fires can be put out with ice cream.

Chimpanzees do not like the smell of old

books.

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 64

THE TRUE STORY BEHIND A TV CLASSIC

“It really all happened by accident,” says veteran
time, but she kept the game rolling and the audience

producer, Hymie Nose. He is reminiscing, in his

were roaring.”

retirement home, about the chat show that was in the

The rest, as they say, is history. Word of Concussion

1960s, one of the most successful TV programs on

Corner soon spread and Barry, even though his

the air, Concussion Corner.

original concussion had passed, frequently

“We were producing the Barry Marr Show,” he

interviewed in the guise of Napoleon or Florence

continues, “which had a small but loyal following for

Nightingale. The guests were encouraged to let fly

Barry’s gentle interviews with lesser Hollywood stars

with flights of fancy too but as many weren’t adept at

and popular celebrities of the day. That night the main

this

form of improvising ad-libs

guest was Gloria Swansong and everything

ratings began to fall.

was going fine till Barry asked

“We were in a bind,”

her if she enjoyed

explains Hymie and that’s

eating deep-fried

when I came up with the

fruit-bats.”
idea of concussing the

What Hymie didn’t

host and the guests

know was that, as the

before the show, so

studios were being

we’d get the

redeveloped at the time,

maximum amount of

a lot of construction

genuine insanity

equipment was left lying

possible. I had a padded mallet

around. Barry had walked

constructed by the props department and Barry and

into a steel support bar in the

car park

his guests would get a blow to the head just before

when he arrived and as he hadn’t been cut or

transmission time. I didn’t hide the fact and even re-

anything he hadn’t reported it. What he didn’t realise

named the show as Concussion Corner, but I just

was that he’d suffered a concussion which had

knew we’d have a hit on our hands. Some of the

knocked some of his brain cells awry.

guests were a bit dubious about getting a whack on

Hymie continues his story. “Well, we all knew
the head, but even the most sober-minded could see

something wasn’t right but we had nothing to cut to

that they get away with saying anything if they were

apart from a continuity guy and I’ve always been a

concussed and they desperately wanted that

great believer in the show-biz adage that ‘the show

freedom.”

must go on’. I also realised that we were getting

The show ended on the night actor Hector Macho

laughs from the audience, so I thought ‘the hell with it,

went berserk and injured three cameramen and a

let’s see where this goes’. Anyway, Gloria says,

make-up girl.

“Barry, you know you don’t deep-fry fruit-bats, you

“He was a pussy,” says Hymie, “I hardly gave him a

sauté them lightly in a little butter. I like to add a little tap with
the mallet and he went wild. That make-up

garlic and sprinkle some parmesan over them once

girl gave him a hell of a fight though. Went on to be a

they’re cooked. Gloria was going a bit ga-ga by that

professional wrestler. Great days.”

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 65

LESBIANS ATTACK

Queen Eleanor of Lesbia has announced that she will send troops from the
Lesbian Army to support democracy's fight against terrorism in
Afghanistan. This will be the first time that Lesbian troops have seen
action since the formation of the Lesbian nation, and comes at the
request of U.S.President, Barrack Obama.

In her statement the Queen said, "We will be sending a special division
of Attack Lesbians but not the legendary Lipstick Legion. The Lipsticks
fight wearing stiletto heels and these are not suitable for the Afghan
terrain."

T

h

e

Lesbian Army, though small in number, is extremely well-equipped and
superbly trained.

Her Majesty's statement continued, "We cannot stand apart from the rest
of the world. Many Lesbians have been the victims of terrorism and this
cannot be tolerated. I warn the terrorists now, cease your evil ways or
face the wrath of enraged Lesbians. I have ordered my girls to don their
battle panties and shoulder their death-dealing sex toys."

The Lesbian Army will be supported by members of the Lesbian Special
Forces who are specialists in night fighting and killing the enemy using
only advanced frottage techniques.

The Queen's statement concluded with these stirring words, "The
terrorists may think they have the upper hand and can give us the finger,
but we can lick them."

MALE READERS' SEX SURVEY

1. How many women have you had sex with?

2. How many were conscious?

3. Were any of them relatives?

4. Were all of them human?

5. How many positions have you tried?

6. What is your favourite position?

7. That's a bit perverted, isn't it?

8. Have you ever kissed your cousin?

9. Did he like it?

10. Have you ever watched your sister getting undressed?
11. Can I?

12. Have you ever had sex with a vegetable? (We won't count that thing
with the carrot) 13. Did you interfere with yourself last Tuesday?

14. Will you interfere with yourself next Tuesday?

15. What is it with you and Tuesdays?

16. Have you ever tried on your girlfriend's underwear?

17. Was she wearing it at the time?

18. Are you well-endowed?

Your turn to get quizzed

19. Who told you that?

soon, girls.

20. You know she has bad eye-sight, don't you?

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 66

Professor Pete gives you indispensable

will get into trouble with the law if she intends setting

the local washing lines ablaze, but she is adamant

advice on all your problems.

she must free the boobies from their bondage. How

can I dissuade her from this course of action?

BEASTLY

Dick Ingle, Wellington

Dear Pete,

Dear Dick,

I have been married for almost three weeks and my

If it’s only the washing lines you’re in luck. Imagine
Rupert has been beastly with me every night since we

the havoc she could cause if she was igniting the

wed. My mother had warned me about this, but I had

braziers of women while they were still wearing them.

thought Rupert was too refined for such behaviour.

You could try telling her that the said busty bondage is

However I have barely switched off the bedside lamp

self-inflicted and we male chauvinist pigs would be

of an evening than he is clambering all over me with

quite happy to see them untethered.

his salacious desires. Do you think this will continue

Pete

or do men continue in this fashion till they are into

their thirties?

PUDDINGS

Lavinia Beaumont, Derbyshire

Dear Pete,

Dear Lavinia,

My boyfriend and I both like to have only two courses

The beastliness of men knows no limits and until your

when he takes me out for dinner. However he likes a

Rupert finds some pastime which leaves him

starter before his main course, whereas I like a sweet

exhausted by bedtime you will have to endure his

after my mains. The problem is, once he is finished

attentions. Encouraging him to take up manly

he is eager to proceed to the bedroom and rushes me
pursuits which will sap his strength might hasten this.

into finishing my meal quickly so I never really get to

Suggest weight lifting.

enjoy my food. How can I get him to stop this as I no

Pete

longer look forward to dinner dates and I do miss my

puddings.

ARMPITS

Clarice Rowntree, Plymouth

Dear Pete,

Dear Clarice,

My boyfriend has told me that he wants to lick my

As with most problems in relationships this is down to

armpits. Is this normal behaviour as I don’t want to be a lack of
communication. Tell your boyfriend you are going out with a pervert, even
though I fancy him

‘Getting it sweet for him’ and I’m sure he’ll see the

something rotten?

error of his ways and show more patience.

Gemma, Cardiff

Pete

Dear Gemma,

PILLAGING

You should congratulate yourself for having found a

boyfriend who is a master of the erotic, for the armpit

Dear Pete,

is a decidedly erogenous zone, though not many are

I was at a friend’s wedding recently and wore a kilt in
aware of it.

recognition of my Scots ancestry. The minute I

In fact it is said that Deirdre Postlethwaite once had

stepped out of the car my friends told me I had made

her jollies merely by being tickled in that region. The

a big mistake as I did not have the legs of a Highland

tale, however, was told by her husband, Fred, who

warrior If news of this gets out it could ruin my career

was a notorious liar and his claim has not been

as a female impersonator. What can I do?

authenticated by the erotic academics. Keep me

Craig Holey, New Jersey

posted on developments.

Pete

Dear Craig,

You have nothing to worry about as many noted

BURNING

Highland warriors resorted to female impersonation to

make a living when things were quiet on the raping

Dear Pete,

and pillaging front. It is only a matter of retaining the After many
years as a feminist my wife has informed

illusion that one is a woman and this can easily be

me that she is now a militant feminist. When I asked

done by complaining about the price of groceries.

her what this entailed she informed me that she in no

Pete
longer satisfied with burning her own bra but will now

burn the bras of other women. I have a feeling she

Write to Pete with your problems and

he’ll solve them for you.

VISIT AMOCK’S WEBSITE




A COMEDY SOAP OPERA

Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 67

BARMAIDS

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BIG JOE DONNA NORMA ANNABELLE SUSAN RITA TOMMY

In the kitchen, new chef Tommy was hard at work, opening packets of
frozen steaks. He was a young, slight man, and some of the boxes were
fighting back. Norma entered with an order. “Check on. Two cheeseburgers
and one steak pie, both with chips.”

Tommy gave a sigh and put down his knife. “Is that all they eat in here,
steak pie and burgers?” Norma sympathised with his culinary ambitions but
had to put him wise. “Yeah, and sometimes both together.

This is a very basic joint, Tommy, you’d better get used to it.

Tommy took the order slip from her and eyed it wearily. “It wasn’t like
this in the navy. On my last boat the captain was mad for quiche.”

Tommy didn’t have the look of a naval person to Norma’s experienced eye.
“I didn’t know you’d been in the navy.”

Tommy shuddered. “Don’t tell anyone, I don’t want them starting the
‘hullo sailor’ jokes. Anyway, it’s not easy making quiche on a
submarine.”

Norma had no idea what quiche was but she knew her business. “Well I can
guarantee you nobody’s going to order quiche in here.”

“Philistines!” was Tommy’s only response.

Out in the bar the bar owner, Joe, was building up a head of steam. “The
place is dead, and you’ve got too many staff on. Send the new girl home.”
But his manageress, Donna, had his measure and patted his hand gently.
“Thought I’d start her off gently on a quiet day. She’s got to learn.”

“So I’m paying for her education now,” Joe grunted. “God I hate July.
Students away home, people on holiday, months till Christmas and similar
money-making opportunities. What’s a poor publican to do?”

“How about a 70’s night?” Donna suggested.

Joe looked suspicious, sensing expenditure. “What does that entail?”

“We’ll get a tribute band in, T-Rex or something.”

It was as Joe had expected. “Expensive.”

But Donna knew his ways. ”We can charge for entry.”

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 68

Joe smiled with relief. “Good.”

Donna spun her web with the mastery of a queen spider. “Staff can all
dress up in 70’s gear. Flares, platform boots, glitter.”

Joe looked unconvinced and Donna sensed she was losing her prey. “Mini
skirts?” She knew what her boss liked and Joe’s grin widened.

“We can go for a 70’s style menu. Prawn cocktails, chicken in a basket
and Black Forest gateau.” Joe nodded, unaware that she’d lured him into
her trap. “Good.” Now Donna smiled and went in for the kill. “And we’ll
charge 70’s prices.” Joe snorted in disbelief. “Forget it!” he growled
before wandering off to the other end of the bar where barmaids, Norma,
Rita and Susan were congregated.

“Awright, you guys,” he said to his employees, “it goes against the
grain, but there’s a twenty spot bonus to whoever comes up with an idea
for a theme night that’s going to make me a buck instead of costing me
one.”

“A Vicars & Tarts night,” Susan trilled immediately.

The thought didn’t seem to impress Joe. “Don’t be silly, where are we
going to find a vicar round here?” he asked.

Meanwhile Donna was facing up to a customer who had obviously had one too
many.

“I think you’re beautiful,” he said to her, his head lolling on his neck.
“I know,” Donna replied calmly.

“Your eyes, your smile, everything, beautiful,” the customer continued,
pressing his case.

Donna didn’t seem over-impressed. “I know.”

“I want you to marry me,” the customer decided emphatically.

“You’re drunk, time to go home,” she said, taking his beer glass from
him.

The customer’s eyes widened in surprise. “How can you say that?”

“Because we’ve been married for two years, Willie. Go home.” CATCH MORE
OF BARMAIDS IN THE MONTHLY AMOCK.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 69

WOMAN TO HAVE NEANDERTHAL BABY

DNA from recently discovered fossilised

Neanderthal bones has been used to impregnate a

modern woman, Mrs Elsie Breeder, of Leeds,

England. She is now

looking forward to giving birth to the first

Neanderthal for several

hundred thousand years.

"If it's a boy we will call him Ugh and if it's a

girl, Doris," she said at the

home she shares with husband, Norman,

last night.

The Breeders have been trying for a child

since they first got married
twenty years ago and, despite trying IVF

treatment,

thought

their

chance had gone.

The man who carried out the treatment,

Prof. Frankensteiner, said,

"This experiment has been a success

because Neanderthal DNA is

much more potent than the semen of

modern humans. But this will

not be a Neanderthal clone, as the child

will carry elements of Mrs

Breeder's DNA. It is hoped that it will have

the best elements of both

species. Skills in hunting and foraging,

for instance, together with a

love for fast food."

Mr Norman Breeder said, "It's all very

well, but who's going to teach

the little bugger to shave and wipe his ass."

TERRORISTS TO USE SUICIDE PENGUINS

EXCLUSIVE BY OZZIE BIN LADEN

A Muslim revolutionary group are planning to use a troop of specially
trained attack penguins in their war against the UK.

"Our jihadis cannot cope with the cold," said spokesman Abu Ben Ghazi,
"whereas penguins are not only used to the frozen temperatures in Britain
but are also vicious killers, capable of inflicting a nasty nip when
enraged.. They will be exported to zoos in Britain where they will form
terrorsim cells and when the time is right the unbelievers will be
crushed by these mighty sons of Allah."

The penguins are currently training in camps at the Pakistan/Afghan
border and most are already fluent in Arabic.

"They are good Muslims," continued Ben Ghazi, "They do not eat pork or
drink alcohol and the women wear the hijab. The only problem we have is
with their diet, which is fish. There are not a lot of fish in this part
of the world, due to the Christian devils diverting rivers away from our
sacred lands."

All zoos in Israel have been put on high alert and warned not to import
penguins in case the terrorists extend their campaign to Jewish
territory.

"Salman Rushdie will never dare to go to a zoo again," gloated Ben Ghazi.

The British military confirmed that their SAS had formed a special anti-
penguin squad which was prepared to deal with this threat.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 70

EVA BRAUN KILLED HITLER

by Jim Trousers

"He was not used to this," Said Professor Von Hitler, New research has

"and she had been trained by the Soviets with secret

confirmed that Eva Braun

uber erotic techniques of love-making. Three times

bedded Adolf Hitler to

she made him do it. Most men would not have

death. The research,

survived one, but our Adolf soldiered on in the belief

carried out by the

that it was his duty to roger his wife senseless.

Revisionist University of
Finally, his noble heart gave out and he died."

Berlin, claims that Braun,

It seems that despite this, Braun had grown fond of

rather than being in love

Hitler, and once her mission on behalf of her NKVD

with the German dictator,

(later KGB) masters was complete, she committed

was in fact a Soviet agent.

suicide with an arsenic suppository.

"It's true," sobbed Professor

"I carry on the Fuhrer's unnatural practices with pride,"

Victor Von Hitler (no

added the Professor, "There is not a day goes by

relation), head of the Bogus History Department at the when I do not have
my wife be very unnatural with University, "our Fuhrer was betrayed by
the woman

me."

he loved. He did not commit suicide as has always

The Professor went on to deny that Hitler was in fact

been thought, but was assassinated by this Bolshevik

in love with Italian fascist leader, Benito Mussolini.

hussy."

"He liked Benny," he admitted, "but they never The research found that
though they had previously

consummated their relationship. Theirs was a

only practiced unnatural sex, the new Mrs Hitler

masculine, buttock-clenching kind of relationship, and

insisted that they conduct matters on a more normal
they only rarely resorted to mutual relief. But what a

basis."

grip the Fuhrer had."

SCOTSMAN INVENTS HAGGIS-BURGER

Glaswegian fast-food magnate, Ronnie MacDonald (no relation), has
predicted that his latest culinary invention, the haggisburger, will
revolutionise take-away eating throughout the world.

"The haggisburger is coming," he declared proudly, "and will   wipe the
floor with fish and chips, curry, pizza and every other kind   of fast-food
out there. Haggis is tasty and nutritious and only makes you   fart a wee
bit. The recipe I'm using is a traditional haggisburger one,   handed down
through my family since last Tuesday."

Fellow Glaswegian chef, Gordon Ramsay, famous for his foul-mouthed
kitchen rants said, "F*** me, but Ronnie makes a mean haggisburger. I
mean, f*** me, it's the best since Rabbie Burns gave up cooking and took
up pottery."

The haggisburger is not served on the traditional sesame-seed burger bun,
but rather on a Scottish bannock made with barley flour and added
concrete.

"It's man food," Ronnie said, "The Scottish Highlanders of old, big
brawny men that they were, would often have a haggisburger at the
Highland games before they tossed their caber. I will be opening
haggisburger joints throughout Europe, America and Asia, because I know
your wee Japanese fella especially likes tossing his caber."

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 71

HOOVER PLANNED TV G-MEN

FBI chief J. Edgar Hoover had about the history of cross-dressing. “One
would be the plans to form a branch of the transdressrights who wore
clothing appropriate for the organisation totally devoted to occasion and
the other would be the transdresstights transvestite agents. In that way
he who would wear figure-hugging dresses designed to hoped that the G-
Men, so-called lure men into their clutches. Hoover was of the opinion
because they were Government that no man could resist a shapely man in a
sheer Men, would be also known as sheath dress. But

Girdle Men.
when it comes down to

it he was a fat little shit

Hoover, who himself liked to dress and knew nothing

as a woman and be called Mary was suspected of about fashion. He having a
relationship with his second-in-command made the most Clyde Tolson. With
the FBI he hoped to have a unconvincing woman dedicated squad of men
prepared to dress in women’s

Pic by Laura Huusko

since Golda Meier. He

clothing to further their crime-fighting efforts.

thought gangsters and mobsters would be queuing up

“There were actually two sections planned,” said to bed his G-Men and he
could get their secrets out of amateur TV historian, Bob Frock, who is
writing a book them. He was not only a fruit, he was a fruitcake.”
STRIPPER SUES VOYEUR

Exotic dancer Cynthia Goodbutt is

“I gotta right to check out the

planning to sue noted peeping-tom, Fred

merchanidise,” Ogle responded. “If I

Ogle, on the grounds that he has been

thought she was worth it I’d maybe pay

watching her undressing for bed through

the money to see her. But after

her bedroom window.

checking her out 18 times I’ve made a

decision not to purchase what she has to

“He’s there very night,” she claimed, “with

offer. I am not a pervert, just a

his nose pressed up against the glass. It’s

consumer with certain rights under the
very distressing. I may be a stripper and

law.”

reveal my body to men when I’m working

but he’s invading my privacy.”

“I accept that Mr Ogle has the right to

sample what I have to offer,” Cynthia said, “but he can

“She’s only pissed because I won’t pay 50 dollars to

get that through the posters and leaflets advertising

see her peel off in a club,” Ogle commented, “She’s

my appearances at the Blue Kitten Club in which I

good, but not worth 50. I’d pay maybe five bucks to

feature. They are not as revealing as my act but you

see both boobies.”

have to leave something to the imagination.”

“My body is my livelihood,” Cynthia complained. “I

“The leaflets don’t move,” Ogle added, “Ya gotta see

don’t have any education or usable skills so I take off

the stuff move or it aint worth it. She really moves

my clothes to feed myself and this dirty pervert is

when she’s getting ready for bed, especially if it’s a

denying me my right to earn an honest living.”

cold night.”

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 72
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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 73

HOLLYWOOD STAR INSISTS SHE APPEARED IN BLOCKBUSTER

Hollywood superstar, Mandy

the nemesis of the robots, John Connor, being born.

Cheesecake, has denied

The machine breaks down and is nursed back to health

reports that she did not

by scientist Alf Einstein before joining the Allies and actually appear
in any scenes

fighting against the Nazis in the Battle of the Bulge.

in the hit movie, Terminator:

“There are certainly some CGI sequences,”

Back in the Repair Shop.

Cheesecake continued, “but that’s inevitable in an SF

“It’s true I used doubles in

movie. However that’s mainly with the Terminator and

some scenes,” she admitted,
not the human actors. I didn’t attend acting school for

“The kissing was done by Hot

three minutes and acquire a wealth of thespian

Lips Henderson, my body

experience not to appear in a film. Reports that I double was Flora
Cruise, my legs were by Harriet couldn’t remember my lines are untrue. I
didn’t have Flower and my hands by Kim Loaner. My voice was that many
lines anyway, mostly screaming as I’m dubbed by soprano Lois Gudron but
my name’s on the pursued by the robot. But I did have the love scene with
marquee and my fans can be assured that I do actually Alf Einstein and
told him that I was devoted to him.

appear in the film. It’s some of my finest work.”

Well, actually Lois said it, but I put my heart and soul

into those lines because they’re pivotal to the plot. I will In the film
Cheesecake plays Susie Connor, be appearing in a remake of The Invisible
Woman next grandmother of Sarah with the Terminator cyborg being year. Or
rather, I won’t be, but that’s okay because it’s sent further back in the
timeline to stop any chance of in the script.” INDIA INVENTS NEW CASTES

The incredible IT boom in India has led to the country’s for further sub-
divisions as is seen in the case of young Hindus having to invent new
castes. No longer are the Hari Ram Din, an IT graduate of Bangalore
University.

traditional divisions of priest, warrior or farmer sufficient While there
he fell in love with Biryani Rai and the pair to cover the myriads of new
occupations employing hoped to marry. But their plans were dashed when it
India’s burgeoning middle-class digital elite.

was discovered that Hari had majored in COBOL while

Biryani was doing research work in Fortran. Their Now with jobs such as
programmer, developer, and parents forbade the union for breaking caste
rules.

call-centre operator proving popular, new caste

divisions are arising and bringing new

“I am heartbroken,” wailed Hari, “for Biryani was the

problems.

love of my life. No longer will we

spend long romantic evenings
Caste was supposedly outlawed when

together picking through code.

India became independent in 1947 but its

Though I respect my heritage these

influence persists, especially where

traditions are working against the best

marriage within the caste system applies.

interests of India.”

Members of one caste may only marry

members of the same caste.

“Nonsense,” said his mother, “The

union is doomed. It is like asking

With

over

1,000

computer

Microsoft to marry Apple.”

programming languages this allows

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 74

3D SPECS ARE HERE

Mrs Ethel Gullible has just bought a pair of 3D glasses

and swears that they have made her life immeasurably

better.
“Not only does it feel like things are right in front of me, I can
actually reach out and touch them,” she said last

night. “They’re amazing. I didn’t realise we could get 3D

in the real world, just like in the movies,”

Mrs Gullible was sold the spectacles by Jim Shady, who

has a string of convictions for fraud, but he denies that this is another
one of his cons. “Mrs Gullible is happy with the results and that’s all
that matters to me,” he commented. “The customer is always right and I
stand by Mrs Gullible’s right to see in 3D as a citizen of the free
world.”

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 75

ESKIMOS

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 76

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 77

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 78

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 79

SHARON:

Hey, Julie, guess what, I got a

JULIE:



Well, they all are.




boyfriend.

SHARON:

But I haven’t given in, I’ve got my

JULIE:



Omigawd! Omigawd! Is he a real one?

reputation to consider.

SHARON:

What do you mean? Of course he’s a

JULIE:

Too darn right, Shaz, a girl’s got




real one.

nothing if she doesn’t have her

JULIE:



I meant one you could kiss and stuff,

reputation.
not like a Facebook buddy.

SHARON:

‘Course it would be different if I fell in

SHARON:

Oh yeah, Simon’s real. He’s going to




love with him.




be a dentist.

JULIE:



You can’t fall in love with Sleazy

JULIE:



Oh.




Simon, he’s sleazy!

SHARON:

What do you mean, oh?

SHARON:

It’s not the same guy, I’m telling you.

JULIE:
Is he a ginger?

JULIE:



What’s his second name then?

SHARON:

Yes, my Simon does have red hair.

SHARON:

Sleeman, it’s Simon Sleeman.

JULIE:

Oh God, you’ve fallen for Sleazy

JULIE:



Bingo! Sleazy Simon Sleeman.

Simon.

SHARON:

You’re winding me up.

SHARON:

He’s not sleazy!

JULIE:



I’m not, I wouldn’t do that to you,

JULIE:

A ginger, training to be a dentist, it’s




babes. I just don’t want to see you
Sleazy Simon.




getting hurt.

SHARON:

There must be millions of guys with red

SHARON:

You’re a real pal, Jules.

hair training to be dentists.

JULIE:



Thanks, honey. We’ve got to look out

JULIE:

Not all called Simon.




for each other.

SHARON:

You just don’t want me to be happy.

SHARON:

‘Course. And if Simon’s really a

JULIE:



That’s rubbish, but that Simon’s got a




sleaze it’s only right you should tell
terrible reputation with girls, he treats




me.




them terrible.

JULIE:



A heart-breaker. Uses people. I knew

SHARON:

My Simon’s a sweetheart.




one girl went out with him. He told

JULIE:

Oh yeah, to start with, but then, like, he




her he loved her, treated her like a

treats them like rubbish once he’s had




princess, took her out all the time,

his evil way with them. Here, you
bought her stuff, a real sweety. But

haven’t …




all the time he was only after one

SHARON:

‘Course not, I’ve only been going out




thing. And she didn’t find out till it

with him a week.




was nearly too late.

JULIE:



Well, you just watch out and don’t say I

SHARON:

How long did you go out with him for




didn’t warn you.




then?
SHARON:

He’s been a bit pushy, mind.

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CATCH UP WITH MORE OF SHARON AND JULIE’S PHONE CONVERSATIONS IN THE NEXT
ISSUE.




YOUR STARS WITH

MYSTIC

MABEL

Capricorn - December 22- January 20

Aquarius - January 21 – February 19

Too much wine, Capricorn. It’ll be the

Don’t be a parasite. Pay your own

death of you. Try some vodka for a

way. Even if Chris owes you the

change. Mixes with anything just

money, that’s no reason to punch him.

about.

Three months? Oh well, go ahead.

Pisces - February 20 – March 20

Aries - March 21- April 20

Stilt walking should keep you busy

Yodelling is not only an interesting

between here and Easter. Remember

pastime it can also help if you’re

Aunt Jenny has a bad hip so she can’t
stranded in a snow drift. John Wayne

take part.

loved it.

Taurus - April 21- May 21

Gemini - May 21- June 21

Your stars are aligned in a very strange

If your name is George you’re in big

position this month. Either that or my

trouble. The stars for all Georges are in

eyes have gone wonky. Tell you what,

revolt and nothing good can come of

I’ll go to the optometrist tomorrow.

it. If you’re married to a Doreen it’s

even worse.

Cancer - June 22 – July 23

Leo - July 24 – August 23

Things are finally looking up for you

Love-lorn Leo? It’s not true, I just like

as it looks like the drug therapy is

saying it because it’s alliterative.

going to work. Buy the nurses

Loser Leo is actually more like it.

something nice,

Virgo - August 24 – September 23

Libra - September 24- October 23

If a Frenchman tries to borrow money

My, you are in a sporty mood this
from you it’s okay. He’s my cousin

month, Libra. Hoping to meet

and he’s a bit short just now. I

somebody special in the gym? Alarm

couldn’t help him out so I passed him

bells!

on to you.

Scorpio - October 24 – November 22

Sagittarius - November 23 – December

21

Arson is not the answer, Scorpio. It

will only create bad blood and possibly

Good things are coming your way if

a vendetta which will last till your

you would only let down your

blood line is forever expunged from

defences a little. She won’t bite.

the face of the Earth.

Well, just a little bit.




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 81

WHY BRITS LIKE

IT HOT

Well, many years ago, during the days of the British

He tried to cool Sunita’s jets but now she decided to

Raj in India a diminutive Scottish soldier called Willie
show him her passionate side, letting him fondle her

was serving his time in the jewel of the Empire. Now,

ankle bells and similar liberties. In a panic Willie

Willie was a bit of a socialist and didn’t really agree

secretly arranged to emigrate to Australia immediately

with imperialism and running around in a red coat,

he was discharged from the army.

shouldering the white man’s burden. As far as he was

Sunita was heartbroken, but her twelve brothers

concerned the white man’s burden was the white

vowed to help. “We will go to this Britain place and

woman – he might have been a socialist, but he was

find your Willie,” they said, “and we will not return until still a bit
of a sexist. He had witnessed the terrible

we have found him.” Of course, while in the UK and

drubbings the women of Britain inflicted on their

hunting high and low for Willie, they had to earn a

husbands and was determined to find himself a more

living. Lucky then, that they were all master chefs and

temperate wife while out east. Something

the easiest way to make a crust was to open an

comfortable and easy to start in the morning, like

Indian restaurant.

a Volkswagen.

As luck would have it, Sunita, a girl in the local

village where Willie was stationed, took a shine

to him and started fluttering her eyelashes at

him like it was going out of fashion. Wasting
no time. Willie set about wooing her, which

wasn’t easy as neither spoke the other’s

language.

The best Willie could do was run up behind

her and shout Woo! In her ear as she

cooked him the finest curry he’d ever

eaten.

After the relationship had been going for

a while Willie tried for some pre-marital

manoeuvres, but Sunita soon let him

know there would be none of that before

there was a ring on her finger. As she

couldn’t tell him verbally she had to

inform him physically, and this caused

Willie to walk with a limp for weeks.

It was this which convinced Willie

that women were the same the world

over and he wanted nothing to do

with them.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 82

A SUB-HUMAN’S LOVE SONG

In the early 1940s John Betjeman wrote a beautiful poem called A
Subaltern’s Love Song which perfectly captured a time, a place and an
emotion. But we at Amock can’t leave it at that. We’ve moved it to the
present day and shifted it to Glasgow, a very different milieu from
Betjeman’s leafy Surrey.
A SUBALTERN’S LOVE SONG

A SUB-HUMAN’S LOVE SONG

Miss J. Hunter Dunn, Miss J. Hunter Dunn,

Big Agnes McCunn, Big Agnes McCunn,

Furnish'd and burnish'd by Aldershot sun,

Pale and anaemic frae Glasgow’s grey sun,

What strenuous singles we played after tea,

What enthralling darts we played efter tea,

We in the tournament - you against me!

Us in the tournament - you against me.

Love-thirty, love-forty, oh! weakness of joy,

One twent, one eighty, you jammy wee git,

The speed of a swallow, the grace of a boy,

The shape o’ a jukebox. Wi lovely big bits,

With carefullest carelessness, gaily you won,

Wi’ cheatin’ an’ swindlin’, lucky ye won,

I am weak from your loveliness, Joan Hunter Dunn.

Ahv ferr got the hots fur ye, Big Agnes McCunn.

Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn,

Big Agnes McCunn, Big Agnes McCunn,

How mad I am, sad I am, glad that you won,

Ahv right got the boak wi’ ye, mad that ye won,

The warm-handled racket is back in its press,

The wee tungsten darts are back in their box,

But my shock-headed victor, she loves me no less.

But ma red-heided winner, is mair than a fox.

Her father's euonymus shines as we walk,
Her auld man’s wee dug we take fur a walk,

And swing past the summer-house, buried in talk,

An’ haung roon the dunny, an’ hiv a wee talk,

And cool the verandah that welcomes us in

It’s doon tae the pub then, wi’ plenty o’ cheers,

To the six-o'clock news and a lime-juice and gin.

Tae fitba oan the telly an’ a couple o’ beers.

The scent of the conifers, sound of the bath,

The scent o’ the lavvy, sound o’ the drains,

The view from my bedroom of moss-dappled path,

The view frae ma bedsit is doin’ ma brains,

As I struggle with double-end evening tie,

As I struggle wi’ chinos an’ gettin’ a crease,

For we dance at the Golf Club, my victor and I.

Fur we’re aff tae the dancin, tae wiggle wur knees.

On the floor of her bedroom lie blazer and shorts,

Oan the flair o’ her bedroom lie knickers an’ tights,

And the cream-coloured walls are be-trophied with

And the nicky stained walls are strangers tae light,

sports,

An’ headin’ fur Ireland, there goes the sun,

And westering, questioning settles the sun,

Through yer single-glazed windaes, Big Agnes

On your low-leaded window, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn.

McCunn.

The Hillman is waiting, the light's in the hall,

The fast black is waiting, he’s blawin’ his horn,
The pictures of Egypt are bright on the wall,

Her posters o’ Elton are really quite worn,

My sweet, I am standing beside the oak stair

Ma darlin’, ahm staunin’ dead still oan the flair,

And there on the landing's the light on your hair.

An’ oan the hauf landin’ there’s some grey in yer hair.

By roads "not adopted", by woodlanded ways,

By roads, not discovered, through tenement hell,

She drove to the club in the late summer haze,

We drove tae the dancin’ no’ feelin’ too well,

Into nine-o'clock Camberley, heavy with bells

Intae the city, that’s covered wi’ snaw,

And mushroomy, pine-woody, evergreen smells.

This summer’s the worst, that I ever saw.

Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn,

Big Agnes McCunn, Big Agnes McCunn,

I can hear from the car park the dance has begun,

Ah can hear frae the gutter the dancin’s begun,

Oh! Surrey twilight! importunate band!

Oh! Glasgow at midnight, a right fearsome place!

Oh! strongly adorable tennis-girl's hand!

Oh! strangely attractive dart girl’s baw face!

Around us are Rovers and Austins afar,

Aroon us ur motors both stolen and not,

Above us the intimate roof of the car,

Ah touched her broad shooder an’ asked for a shot,

And here on my right is the girl of my choice,
She grabbed me quite fiercely, an awesome embrace,

With the tilt of her nose and the chime of her voice.

An’ wi’ passionate lips, sooked plukes aff ma face.

And the scent of her wrap, and the words never said,

An’ the smell o’ her oxters, the promise o’ bed,

And the ominous, ominous dancing ahead.

Or a rapid knee trembler just oot in the shed,

We sat in the car park till twenty to one

Ah gave her the business till twenty past wan,

And now I'm engaged to Miss Joan Hunter Dunn.

An’ noo ahv bin captured by Big Agnes McCunn.

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 83

ROBOT SALES REPS ON THE WAY

Honda are to use their innovative Asimo robots as a door-to-door
salesmen.

"This is an ideal function for the machine," said spokesman Yoshiro
Tanaka, "as the mental capacity of the average salesman is achievable in
the limited capacity we are able to insert into the mechanism."

The robots will be dropped off in a suburban area and programmed to visit
every house. The product range and sales-pitch will also be pre-
programmed with sub-programmes available for sales resistance."

"I think we've thought of everything," added Tanaka, "If the customer
says they can't afford the item, Asimo will offer them credit facilities.
If they say they don't need it, Asimo will show them how it will benefit
their lives. It all makes perfect sense, especially for the company
selling the products as Asimo does not expect any commission payments.
This can be translated as an extra profit for the company or a lower
price for the customer"

The Asimo can be used across the planet as it can have different language
and cultural modules installed to suit its environment.
Plans to include the normal salesman's perk involving housewives, have
been shelved for the moment.

"Mechanically it would be simple," concluded Tanaka, "But there would be
no emotional fulfilment for the housewife. So, coffee drinking is out."

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 84

NEW OLYMPIC SPORT ANNOUNCED

Two new words will have to be added to the Olympic motto of Faster,
Higher, Stronger and they are Louder and Longer. For these are the
requirements of competitive farting which has just been accepted as the
newest Olympic sport.

British Farting Association chairman, Reg 'Thunderclap' Henderson
explained the requirements of the new sport at the hermetically sealed
British Farting Centre in Birmingham. "To be an Olympic farter you need
to be loud and long. Decibels and duration are what it's all about. Smell
doesn't come into it. In any case the judges wear gas masks these days
and the actual judging is actually down to the sound meter and the stop
watch."

"It's an exciting challenge but I don't see much of a challenge emerging
from British Thunderclap prepares

for marathon.

farters to the established masters. Turkey must be the favourites for
gold. China can be loud but they don't have the stamina for a record
breaking fart, though their women are strong. The African nations may
pose a challenge if they can improve their training facilities, but the
western nations generally, where farting is frowned upon, will have to
wait a long time before they produce a farter of consequence."

MARILYN TO GET OSCAR

Hollywood star Marilym Monroe is to be awarded a posthumous Oscar, it was
announced yesterday. It is for Outstanding Performance by an Actress
Underneath a Fat Producer, and she narrowly beat fellow nominee, Rock
Hudson, to the Award.

Monroe, of course, famously committed suicide by singing

Happy Birthday to President John F. Kennedy badly.

Fans were delighted at the news and President of the
Marilyn Monroe Society, Bert Sadcase, said, "She

thoroughly deserves this, as she sweated and struggled

under many fat producers to produce her art. This was

common in the days of the casting couch. I'm sure she's

looking down and smiling."

On similar lines, Marilyn's first film 'Personal Hygiene For Girls', a
Health Dept. short has set off a frenzied bidding war between studios who
want the distribution rights,

which are currently owned by the Government. But

producer Hymie MacDonald only wants the script rights as

he plans a big budget remake starring a current Hollywood

star.

"We are in talks with Charlize Theron," he admitted, "but she is
insisting on a body double due to the strenuous

nature of the role. Theron's body is the only sticking point.

We have already cast a bar of soap and our location

people are checking out bath tubs."

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Pic by manitou2121




Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 85

TODD GETS DOUBLE DOSE OF LUCK

Todd McKay, 23, had a double dose

of luck when, after winning $181

million in the lottery he met and

instantly fell in love with model and

aspiring actress, Fifi Le Bonbon.
"It was sheer chance," said Todd, "I

was in a bar with my friends

celebrating, and the champagne was

flowing when this beautiful girl walked

by and I was smitten. What are the

chances of a fat schmuck like me

getting a doll like Fifi."

"Todd is my soul-mate," said Fifi, "and

we were meant to be together. I don't

want people to get the wrong idea

and think I'm some kind of gold-digger, because I'm a deeply spiritual
person and only put out on the third date.

The money means nothing to me, though Todd is very generous and has
already bought me a mansion, a car, and a couture wardrobe. I think he's
cute and we're definitely getting married."

"My mom warned me that women would be chasing me now that I'm rich,"
concluded Todd, "but you can tell just from looking at Fifi that she's
not that kind of girl. Hell, she's still a virgin."

WOMAN HAS DEATH RAY EMBEDDED IN HEAD

Victoria McZombie of Vermont has had a death-ray

"This really hands power back to the people," said Dr installed in her
head. This was made possible

Ralph Inventor, of the team which inserted the deadly

device in Victoria's dome. "Victoria can

now annihilate an M1 tank at 500 yards."

But Victoria is looking for more peaceful

uses for her new accessory. "It takes a bit

of practice controlling the ray," she

commented, "but I can now cook the

perfect roast. Crisp on the outside but pink
in the centre, and it only takes seconds.

Once I'm married I won't need a hob, an

oven, a grill or a microwave. I'll do all my

cooking with my trusty death-ray. I'm trying

to focus the beam enough to allow me to

light candles too, but so far I've only

following research which indicated that neural

managed to melt a partition wall."

energy, generated by the brain, was powerful

"And the brass candle-holders," added fiancee Chris enough to pulverise
steel.

Nervous.

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EATING A

S mo

P ck

A: Co

G med

H y C

E om

T pe

T nd

I i um/P

& a

ge 86

MEATBALLS
CAN HELP YOU SPEAK ITALIAN

Criticism that the research subjects were all from the suburbs of Rome
and were therefore capable of

speaking Italian anyway, were dismissed.

“Yes, my brother, Rico was among the test subjects,”

Tomasini admitted, “but he is barely literate and used

to communicate through a series of grunts. Now he can

sing many football chants. And no, before you ask, he

did not eat pasta before the experiment. He was

addicted to Chinese food.”

The Bogus Institute were last in the news when they Researchers have
discovered that eating a nation’s predicted that the Y2K bug would make
refrigerators cuisine can help you learn that country’s language. They
explode.

put 40 volunteers on a strict pasta diet for a week and

at the end of it found that all could speak fluent Italian.

“It was a glitch in our system,” Tomasini admitted, “It should have been
washing machines, and only twin

“Noodles could help you speak Chinese,” said Chief tubs. My mother’s
exploded, honest. It is outrageous Researcher, Luigi Tomasini, at the
Bogus Institute in to assert that I am only making these claims to get
more Rome, “and snails could have you speaking French. research funds for
the Institute. If we wanted more It’s a remarkable discovery and one that
came as a total money we’d open a restaurant and give language surprise.
No-one had made the connection between lessons.” diet and language skills
before.”

VAMPIRES BITE ASS

A strange vampire is attacking and biting the residents

of Lubbock, Texas. It is believed to be one of the

undead relatives of Count Dracula of Transylvania.

But its strangest attribute is that it bites its victims on the buttocks
rather than the neck.

"It is ein assbiter," said legendary vampire hunter, Professor Van
Helzing. "They are a rare sub-species
of the vampire breed which gets its nourishment from

the rich blood which flows through the buttock region

of living humans. They are particularly attracted to

young women, as am I. But the Texans have nothing

to fear. They do not need garlic bulbs or crucifixes to

defeat the hell-spawn, merely to sleep face up."

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Amock: Comedy Compendium/Page 87

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Okay, let’s talk about pain.

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MONTHLY AMOCK

One lump or two?

Your sister. How much?

Embroidery. How Real men do It.

How To Kill With A Paperback.

Gay Iron Man = Tinned Fruit

Is Custard an Aphrodisiac?

Nose hair - why women love it.

Dolphin graduates college - but takes 10

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The Great White - Your friend.

Blondes fart more - the science behind
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