Are We At War With Our Wardrobe _ by Amy838Hassan


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									Are We At War With Our Wardrobe ?
Recently a fellow hubber, Stan Fletcher, challenged us to come up with an appealing Hub from a
selection of offbeat suggestions of his own creating. From his interesting list I just had to zero in on
that one : “Tips for Removing your Underwear From Your Crack in public areas.” Why; I have
not a clue other than it appealed to my personal silly sense of humour and captured my imagination.
Trouble is for those who have a vivid imagination as well as too much free time on your hands you
start to consider potentially related conundrums such as this; ‘Is having under garment that acts like a
hibernating squirrel or a heat in search of missile in public the worst thing that will ever happen to you
So if you think over it for a moment, then like me you may reach the conclusion that actually , it really
isn’t that drastic is it ?
OK it may well make you squirm a little and possibly bring a few tears for a eyes. However, unless
you intentionally draw attention to the problem by incorporating over enthusiastic attempts to get the
knickers returning to actually covering your butt, as an alternative to being up it, then the issue can
remain any secret and a timely prompt not to buy your underwear in big amounts from that ‘Good
price Basket’ close to the check out.
A casual trawl across the Internet is all it requires to discover that it’s not only our Knickers that are
seem to get us it’s each of our whole bloody wardrobe ! thanks Stan, you may have inadvertently
invented a whole new phobia for all of us to worry about. Until you brought up the subject of H.B.S.
We , and I suspect many of us, were blissfully unaware of the affliction of T.W.meters. Or Total
Wardrobe Malfunction.
Usually as a guy the worst type of malfunction is a zip malfunction , which can be due to a senior
second during dressing or a recollection lapse after a potty split. Which brings to mind a ‘Polite
Notice’ in a posh lodge I visited in my children's that said in loud produce ; “Please Adjust your
dress before leaving the toilet place.” I distinctly bear in mind feeling a tad unpleasant until I got
out of the space because I thought I may have got inadvertently entered the Ladies by mistake! Not
considering the term DRESS as a genderless group noun until much later in your life.
Of course only thinking about zips down there provides the odd tear towards the eye of most men
within what is undoubtedly the worst type of attack any article of apparel can perform upon the
hapless male in a hurry. The combination associated with gaping fly Boxer pants and a hastily raised
zero..... I’ll say no more ! (thoughts of boy’s bicycles, crossbars and missing the gear adjust maybe in
the past but are nonetheless fresh.)
However, to halt this digression down recollection lane I move speedily on to the most common male
closet malfunction which hardly charges a mention other than as a request to garment makers to
PLEASE DO SOMETHING over it !!!!! Sorry didn’t mean for you to shout, but there is little these days
that can ruin your hunger on the way to lunch compared to appalling site of the full Moon effect of
Builder’s Butt with enough crack exhibiting that you could park the above mentioned bike in it.
Naturally, the same affliction can and does befall girls , bending over prams, pushchairs or low
supermarket cabinets. Strangely though that doesn’t seem to raise my bile quite so violently, as an
alternative to images of where to recreation area my bike I get psychological images of wanting to
location a long stemmed flower right now there. Not completely sure for the overall reaction such an
behave would cause but it needs to be worth the risk one day.
At least the vast majority of us may be thankful and console yourself with the almost certain
knowledge that we do not live in the actual limelight glare of movie star with the prowling paparazzi
actually present to photograph our much more embarrassing moments.
But I suppose the old adage associated with , ‘there’s no such thing as bad publicity’ must keep true
in the celebrity world if the amount of malfunctioning closet photographs is anything to embark on.
Let’s face it, ever since Marilyn Munroe stood over that grating with an updraft of air the scene has
been collection for female celebrities to outdo one another on the red carpet and beyond, at times
creating many of the best Oops moments in the history associated with voyeurism.
For young ladies I guess the equivalent of the gaping zipper is the skirt found in the back of the
knickers, possibly much less painful but none the actual less excruciatingly embarrassing whenever a
total stranger, (always one more female), points out that you have any crocodile of leering goons
following you !
I imagine windy days can cause ladies more than a few anxious times and here I am talking about the
Beaufort scale in lieu of last night’s Chilli scam Carne or hubbies home made curry, it must require
the actual reflexes of a cat to decide what to do when a force 10 gust takes a sudden detour up your
skirt. Or kilt for that matter, no sexual splendour here, let’s not forget each of our Scottish friends,
although i can venture to suggest putting on a sporran both front and back might work !
However the absolute Horror of horrors has to be Flash Photography, why it’s the next best thing to
having Superman’s X-Ray vision and that i can’t believe all the Oops pictures we see are anything but
deliberate. I mean let’s face it what the hell’s the point of spending all that money on perfecting the
actual bits we’re not supposed to see if you are not going to permit people see them, proper ? So just
in case you spent your vacation on another planet as well as missed them the first time round I have
recycled a few of them on your enjoyment.
I must admit that I struggled for a while as to whether I should include the very humble T Shirt as a
culprit inside list of malfunctioning garments as well as decided that its inclusion should indeed be
necessary for completeness. My reasoning is this, as a former item of underwear it has in modern
times been raised to that associated with outer garment status, any function for which, it has to
always be said, it is barely satisfactory. It seems to be reasonably useful as some sort of mobile
promoting platform, vaguely reminiscent of the ‘Sandwich board man’ of previous. However its total
not enough water proofing leaves much to be desired in wet weather. (See pictorial evidence on the
So there you have it proof, if resistant was needed; it’s war ! Our clothes are conspiring in opposition
to us and their m.M.D. Are open public embarrassment and humiliation with the stealthy use of zips
that won’t stay up, devastating knicker elastic failure, machines and stitching that release at the
wrong time, pinging buttons and when all else fails they will go completely transparent.
Please feel free to add your own horror stories to the list , let’s see how far the actual contagion has

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