We find ourselves on the fourth floor landing. Directly ahead of us is a white door.
To the left is a red door. To the right is a dark green door. The red door opens,
and we move to the kitchen, where...
New Found Land
[a colourful comic strip feel. the characters have somewhat outsized ' bobble
heads' and characiturized bodies]
Speedwell, a lanky young man with a buzz cut and a small earplug, stands at the
kitchen sink, doing the washing up.
As he bends over to pick up a dropped fork, we see a blinding beam of light
descend from the night sky into the back yard through the window. When he
stands back up, the light has vanished.
In the yard, three containers, which closely resemble spa-style steam cabinets,
From his perch on the window-seat in his bedroom, Yanto the toddler stares
down at the boxes as they cool. Finally, he manages to tear himself away from
the spectacle and rush into the living-room, where Dad sits before the fire,
knitting and softly chanting, ‘knit one, pearl two.’
'Yes knit Yanto pearl?'
'The washing machines'
'Washing knit machines pearl?
'I, mean shining.'
'No, washing knit machines'
Dad holds up a Gordian tangle of yarn, and tosses it aside.
'Bother! now you've got my knotting knitted'
'Sorry Daddy, but the washing machines have gone out into the yard and now
they're all shiny.'
'Right. Like the time the tea cozy chased you into the closet.'
'No. This is different. This time it's the washing machines, and they're in the yard.'
'You're all wound up laddie. No more "Danger Mouse" for you at bedtime; and, by
the way, this is bedtime.'
'No "buts." you need to either go to bed, or...'
'Take up knitting.'
'I'm going', sighs Yanto.
'Think well on't my son', he calls after the boy, 't'is a sovereign remedy for the
Back at the window, the boy watches, transfixed, as each box emits a burst of
steam from its top, followed by a human head, with the ears and snout of a pig.
Yanto jumps up and down in frustration, until he's overcome by the urge to report
the remarkable sight.
In the living-room, da has untangled the mess in his lap, and is at the business
end of a 3 meter scarf when Yanto bursts in.
'Daddy, they're turning into piggies!'
'The washing machines.'
At this, Dad balls up the scarf and throws it into the fire, where it bursts into flame
as if it had been soaked in parafin.
Cortina, a voluptuous middle-aged woman, has also seen the mysterious light.
She throws on a housecoat and heads for the entryway. She's pulling on her
wellies when Jimmy, a buff, 30-something plumber in striped pyjama pants and a
torn 'wife beater' undershirt, comes out of the bedroom. He strides over to the
boot-rack and glares down at her.
'And where are we going now?
'I'm going down into the yard.'
'Into the yard? That's the first time I've heard that one.'
'There's more things in heaven and earth...' , she mutters to herself.
'I said, "I'm meeting Speedwell. he's gonnae ream my drains for me."'
'But I can do that. I'm a professional'
'That's rich', she snickers, standing up and stomping her foot Into her boot.
In the time It takes him to parse the full Import of this last exchange, she's closing
the door behind herself.
In the yard, the elder female alien emits the sound of a cartoon foghorn. luap, the
male, repeats the sound. aImpule responds with 'sproIng!'
the cabinets rise onto caterpillar tracks and roll towards #27's back door.
In his bedroom, Yanto presses his ear to the floor, listening to a faint, but
Meanwhile, Speedwell has just finished drying the fork, when he notices that the
dishes In the drainer have begun a clattering dance. The sound of miniature
earthmovers Is now audible throughout the house.
We look down Into the stairwell as the three otherworldly contraptions begin their
ascent. Cortina and Speedwell are looking down over the bannister at the
mini-procession, when jimmy comes up behind them.
'What's this lay-aff?!... So here you are'
'Inspector Jimmy of the C.I.D.', says Speedwell.
'Ye got a smart mouth', he continues, poking his finger Into the younger man's
chest, 'but If there's any reaming to be done round here, I'll be doIng It!'
By the end of his speech, Jimmy Is shouting over the racket of the advancing
alien rovers. bI-jambd and co. have reached the landing by the time Jimmy has
stopped mouthing inaudible threats.
'ahOOOgah', blares luap, wagging his ears In greeting.
Dad and Yanto are brought to their door by the commotion. They stare,
'What the--', stammers Jimmy.
'You might as well know', explains Cortina, pointing at luap, 'we're having an
luap cockcrows as Jimmy advances on him.
'Say that again', Jimmy growls, 'In English'
The door of luap's container opens, he lifts his pudgy 4 ft frame to the floor, and
pulls on a swimming cap.
'My clan and I come in peace. We wish only to find sanctuary from the porcacidal
warfare on our homeland, nIgel 7.'
'If I had 50p for every time I've heard that--'
'SproIng', replies bI-jambd.
'What's the matter with you? No speakee English
'Click whirr', asks bI-jambd.
'I asked If you no speakee English', bellows Jimmy, by way of clarification.
'Honk cheep-cheep', offers aimpule helpfully.
Jimmy rounds on her.
'I said--', he growls, before he getting a good look at her rosIe cheeks and thick,
'Eh... that Is...', he stammers, instantly smitten.
He turns towards bi-jambd, who now also wears a bathIng cap.
'If you'd be so good as to show us our way to our new sty.'
'There's a resettlement camp In Perth. And a factory farm outsIde Aberdeen',
'Pay him no mind dear', says Cortina, 'too much exposure to soldering fumes.
You come with us.'
She and Speedwell lead them up the stairs towards the next landing.
Yanto and Dad go back In. In the entryway, Yanto says, 'see Daddy?'
Once Yanto's back In his room, Dad balls up a half-finished sweater and tosses it
into the fireplace, where It explodes Into flames.
Cortina and Speedwell lead the immigrants Into their new home. The pint-sized
trio pull Into three parking bays next to the window. When they dismount, we see
that while luap and bi-jambd are pear-shaped, aImpule, Is the comeliest piglet
that ever was.
bi-jambd starts a tea-kettle whistle. aImpule puts on her swimming cap, snorts
twice, and begins her translation.
'My venerable elders wish to invite you to a... a... how do you say BOING?'
'Feast', guesses Speedwell.
'Precisely. But first...', she sniffs In Speedwell's direction, 'you may wish to make
The comment draws a blank. Then light dawns. The musician tugs at his shirt
collar and sticks his nose Into It.
'Meanwhile, we must perform the hee-YUK...our laundry.'
In the basement, Jimmy stands before a Saltire, addressing an Impromptu
meeting of the residents' association. a few men carry claymores. Crosspatch
has a scythe.
'We're not talking Colombians. not even Bengalis They're not just IllIgal alIens;
they’re... they're alien aliens' a shiver runs through the crowdlet.
'”What's the harm”, you ask yourself, says Jimmy.
'Aye. What is the harm', asks a scrawny codger.
Everyone glares at him. His wife, who wears a WWII-era air-raid warden's
helmet, gives him such a sharp elbow In the ribs that he gasps.
'"They'll open a restaurant on Leven st. It'll be good for the economy. They'll do
work even Barbadians won't do"', lisps a contemptuous Jimmy.
'Barbadians', gasps someone.
'You know where that sort of thinking leads.'
The codger tucks his arms defensively Into his sides before asking, 'where does
After an exasperated stare, the plumber continues, 'probing'
The women cringe. A couple of the men smirk. a paunchy man whispers into his
neighbour's ear, ' I could give that Cortina a good probin’'
'What's that', growls Jimmy.
' I said, “who know's where the country's goIn?"'
'Well, are we gonnae let It happen', cries Jimmy.
'Never', roars the assemblage, as the codger's wife brandishes her bagpipe's
At the top of the basement stairs, a diver's suit lies In a pile, with a deep-sea
helmet atop It. A pair of hugely magnified eyes appears In Its porthole. As the
righteous indignation below grows to a crescendo, the suit stirs.
Yanto struggles out of his hidden observation post, and slips away.
Dad's squatting in front of the fireplace, wearing a welder's mask and oven
mittens. He reaches Into the embers and pulls out a golden brown souffle.
Yanto slams through the door and stomps into the living-room, but Dad's
concentration Is such that he doesn't turn a hair.
'D-Daddy, I saw them!'
'Saw who?... whom?'
'”Fleshers” is the proper term. And No Danger Mouse!'
As Yanto pulls his bedroom door closed, our point of view shifts to the sidewalk
across the street. We see a tremendous flash, and hear the echoing report, of
the exploding souffle.
In the alien's flat, bi-jambd and aimpule are having a subtitled Cartoonese
'have you begun the hee-YUK', asks bi-jambd.
'Our vestments are in the mangle.'
aimpule Is wearing a respirator, formal, elbow-length white gloves, and wooden
shoes. She proceeds In solemn half-steps to the bathroom, where otherworldly
foundation garments steep In the steaming toilet.
'Hark', says luap, as the toilet flushes.
Cortina, In her cocktail lounge finery, Is heading out, when Jimmy intercepts her.
'Now where are you going?'
'IbIza. If you've got bus fare.'
'Not with luap?'
'Have you not taken your prat medication today?'
'First things first. Are you going to IbIza or not? because I can't--'
'I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, but I've been invited to dinner at the new
'Hold that thought', she says, walking out.
luap greets Cortina at the door, takes her faux fur stole, and disappears into the
loo. when he reemerges, bi-jambd calls everyone to the table, where a
goose-sized bean sits on a platter.
'And now, the benediction', says luap.
'The piggies let forth with a string of snorts and grunts, wIth the humans fakIng It,
like Presbyterians at high mass.
In the backyard, Jimmy watches the silhouetted feast through the alIens opaque
curtains. Meanwhile, bi-jambd insists that Speedwell carve the bean. He clumsily
wields the hacksaw, to general merriment. He haggles off a huge, jagged slab,
which he hands to Cortina. She daintily cuts into it with her knife and fork, to the
guffaws of the aliens.
The piggies lift their utensils high above their heads. 'Hee-yah', cries luap,
whereupon they drive their knives and forks Into the table. they cram theIr
gravy-covered portions Into their mouths.
Cortina follows their lead and chokes.
Speedwell jumps up reflexively.
'Let luap deal with this', cries bi-jambd, 'he's an eye ear and snout specialist'
luap puts on goggles and rushes to his vehicle. He pulls up alongside Cortina
and mechanically extends a long vacuum hose. aimpule lifts Cortina's face out of
the bean mess on her plate, and tilts her head back. The hose arches high over
his guest's head, and winds up with Its nozzle In her mouth. From his driver's
seat, luap starts the pump.
At the sight of the oh-so-suggestive silhouette, Jimmy drops his binoculars, falls
to his knees, rips his fresh undershirt, and lets out a KowalskI-like, 'Cortina!'
The piggies have tied a little red wagon to luap's rover,and medevac Cortina to
her place. They lift her Into her bed. She looks down at her stained dress and
whimpers, 'It's ruined!’
'Do not despair', soothes bi-jambd, 'aimpule will take care of this.'
She snatches the dress off In one smooth jerk. aimpule drops a shallow curtsy
and takes It to the loo.
bi-jambd strokes Cortina's hair while softly humming, 'I Did It My Way.'
Presently Cortina starts to snore. Finally, we hear a flush.
Dad drops his game-boy into his lap and cocks his head.
Yanto comes into the ruined living-room, wiping sleep from his eyes.
'What's that Daddy?'
'Don't know', shouts Dad, over the inaudIble commotion, I'll have a look.'
On the landing, he looks over the bannister. The vigilantes are beIng led up the
staIrs by Jimmy. Those who aren't carrying pitchforks have flaming torches and
chant,'kill the pig! hunt him down!'
Yanto Is suddenly at Dad's side. 'Are they going to kill the three little piggies,
'Not if I can help It! This looks like a job for--'
He pulls open the top of his robe with a super hero flourish, considers his pasty
chest for a moment, and ends with a sober, ' go watch Danger Mouse while
He puts on a paper bag with eye holes and falls In at the back of the posse.
Jimmy steps up onto the landing before halting the mob's advance and gesturing
'I don't have to tell you! You know who they are! Remember Culloden!
Remember Flodden! Remember to wash your hands before returning to work!'
Grannie's pipes skirl the Scots Buy jingle.
'Take no prisoners Except the saucy wench with the fire In her eyes! bring her to
They crash through the front door, but the flat's empty.
Jimmy pushes into the bedroom.
'They must be in there', he whispers, indicating the bathroom.
He strides to the door.
'I'll huff, and I'll puff, and--', he kicks the door In, unleashing a mighty torrent of
backed up toilet water.
The crowd is blasted out of the flat, and swept down the stairwell, into the
basement, by a five-storey whirlpool. Dad dangles over the abyss, cling to the
bannister for dear life. HIs robe and pyjamas hang down about the ankles. He
still wears his paper mask.
'Yanto', he calls, 'a little help.'
Yanto stands at the top of the basement stairs, looking down at the
coke-blackened water, upon which float: Grannie's helmet, Jimmy's undershirt,
and Cortina's stole.
He goes out Into the yard, where Cortina, Speedwell, and Dad are saying their
goodbyes to the piggies.
'Are you sure you won't stay', coaxes Cortina.
'Panting Is grievous', says luap, 'but, having spent a weekend on your planet,
we've decided to take our chances on nigel 7'
'Take care of yourselves', says Dad.
'And you', says bi-jambd.
The rovers glow hotter and hotter, until they white out the screen.
'Keep watching the skies', declares luap's disembodied voice.
Sally [a lovely girl with waist-length, raven-hued hair who vaguely resembles a
Siamese cat] laughs herself awake. Speedwell half-rises on an elbow, looks
down at her and asks, 'what's so funny?'
'Danger Mouse' she snorts.
'Not til 8', says Speedwell, 'get some more kIp.'