Into the Wild Sample Student Essays

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					Sample Student Essays
Into the Wild
On-Demand Writing Assignment
You will have 45 minutes to plan and write an essay on the topic assigned below. Before you
begin writing, read the passage carefully and plan what you will say. Your essay should be as
well-organized and carefully written as you can make it.
  I think that Chris McCandless was bright and ignorant at the same time. He had no
  common sense, and he had no business going into Alaska with his Romantic silliness.
  He made a lot of mistakes based on arrogance. I don’t admire him at all for his courage
  nor his noble ideas. Really, I think he was just plain crazy.
                                                                               Shaun Callarman
Explain Callarman’s argument and discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with his
analysis. Support your position, providing reasons and examples from your own experience,
observations, or reading.

The sample student essays that follow reflect the EPT Scoring Guide’s criteria for their
respective scores.

Sample student essay with a score of 6:
                             Life: Not an Episode of “Grizzly Man”
          Yes, living alone in the wilderness like Thoreau and London sounds exciting, especially if
you fake a big part of your adventures or if you can pack up and go home when you get too
hungry. Chris McCandless doesn’t have these options, but Shaun Callarman believes that Chris
is full of “Romantic silliness,” and by this statement I think he means that Chris goes into Alaska
seeing only the good parts of the wilderness experience. Like Callarman, I believe that Chris
has a head full of “Romantic ideas” and that he lacks “common sense” although I would not call
him “plain crazy.”
          When Chris decides to map some part of the Alaskan wilderness that’s already been
mapped, he is definately showing “Romantic silliness.” Callarman is right about this; it doesn’t
seem very courageous to me to waste time doing work that someone else has already done! I
would want to spend my time doing something more useful. The wilderness in Alaska is being
ruined with oil pipes and spills. Chris could of taken some of his “noble ideas” and used them to
better the area. By spending his energy for a good cause, he would not have seemed so
arrogant and ignorant, as Callarman states. It might have felt romantic to him to draw his own
map, but he was staying in a bus, so it seems pretty clear to me that somebody else had been
there already.
          Also, Callarman says that Chris “made a lot of mistakes base on arrogance.” I agree;
Chris does make a lot of errors. For instance, he brings the wrong kind of gun, the wrong kind of
clothes, too many books and not enough food. What is the purpose of his reading and his library
research in Alaska if he’s not going to be willing to take advise? So yes, Chris’s mistakes maybe
coming from an arrogant brain.
          On the other hand, Chris did show some “noble ideas,” in contrast to what Callarman
states. He tries to keep other people from getting involved with him by not letting them get too
close. In addition, he really did kill a moose and not a carabou, as some people made fun of him


INTO THE WILD – SAMPLE STUDENT ESSAYS                          CSU Expository Reading and Writing Course | 1
for doing. Finally, he lives a lot longer out in the wilderness than most people could!
        Chris is definately a bizarre mix of qualities, as Callarman argues, but now that I think
about it Chris is not really as bad as he looks. Being young (high school and college) is suppose
to be the time of our lives for Romantic silliness. Aren’t we suppose to be idealists during this
time? I would not want my plans and dreams to be called “arrogant” or “ignorant,” because
they’re important to me and I want them to come true. All in all, with his bad family life and
sketchy role models like London, Chris did not do too bad. I do feel sorry for his parents and
sister and friends, but his life is a lesson for all of us to be careful but to follow our dreams as
much as we can.
Commentary
This essay illustrates the EPT Scoring Guide’s criteria for a score of 6. The superior response
indicates that the writer is very well prepared to handle college-level reading and writing.
   The writer offers a concise and accurate explanation of the Callarman quotation and
    effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt.
   The essay demonstrates a thorough, critical understanding of the passage, invoking
    Callarman both directly and indirectly, integrating quoted material smoothly, and using the
    Callarman quotation to guide the writer’s response.
   The essay consistently and insightfully negotiates between Callarman and the writer, even
    to the extent that the writing itself functions to modify the writer’s position as the essay
    progresses.
   With a few exceptions (see the second paragraph, for example) the writer uses transitions
    appropriately and effectively, both within and between paragraphs, to guide the reader
    through the essay.
   The writer offers specific, accurate, and relevant examples (the map, the insufficient clothing
    and food, too many books) to support the essay’s points.
   The writer concludes the essay by referring to London again at the end and bringing the
    essay full circle.
   The essay’s paragraphs get shorter toward the end as the writer perhaps begins to rush, yet
    they are generally unified, focused, and well developed.
   The writer has learned to write in the literary present tense, with only some wavering of verb
    tense (especially toward the end of the essay).
   The essay is generally free of errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics, except for minor
    slips (such as “definately” and “maybe” versus “may be”) that do not interfere with meaning.

Sample student essay with a score of 5:
                                        Into the Wild Essay
        Shaun Callarman does not have much good to say about Chris McCandless. He
believes that he, “was bright and ignorant at the same time,” meaning that Chris was smart; just
smart enough to get himself killed in Alaska. Callarman also believes that Chris, “was just plain
crazy,” which I think is taking his argument too far. I agree that Chris was foolish and made
mistakes based on arrogance, but I don’t think he was crazy. Chris was just a bad combination
of brains and stupidity.


INTO THE WILD – SAMPLE STUDENT ESSAYS                          CSU Expository Reading and Writing Course | 2
        A college graduate should know enough to prepare for the wilderness. Who goes to a
cold and distant place like Alaska with a backpack full of books and a bag of rice? He had
enough money to buy the stuff he needed, why not spend some of his savings on a $5 map?
His $24,000 would of bought him a lot of equiptment and food. People kept trying to buy him
equiptment but each time he denied them. Is this being independent, or is it being stupid? I vote
for stupid.
        Of course, Chris had a lot of problems that contributed to his decision to go into the wild.
For example, his parent’s marriage was awful, and his dad’s double life must of been a huge
shock. It seems that Chris did a lot of this to spite his parents, like lieing about his identity,
ignoring letters from home, and badmouthing his Mom and Dad. There are lots of people like
him that feel they have something to prove, so they go out and do something wreckless. Chris
didn’t prove anything by going to Alaska, besides that he was an idiot. If he hated his Mom and
Dad so much, maybe he should of just gone somewhere and started a new life, maybe he
should of taken his savings and bought a cabin in Alaska and been alone as long as he wanted
instead of starving to death in a bus for innocent hikers to find later.
        If Chris is crazy, then so are a lot of other people, but he seems more foolish and even
mean. For example, what about the way he treated the old man Ron? Ron really cared about
Chris and he had already lost his entire family, but Chris tried to tell him how to live. After all
that, he hit the road again and left Ron behind. This example shows that he only thinks of
himself throughout the book, which just makes him like many others, dumb.
        Callarman lets him off too easy when he calls him “crazy”. If Chris was crazy, he could of
been helped, but I believe he was mostly foolish and angry. He went to Alaska in a temper
tantrum to show everyone, but he paid the biggest price in his death.
Commentary
This essay illustrates the EPT Scoring Guide’s criteria for a score of 5. The clear competence of
the essay indicates that this writer is ready to handle college-level reading and writing.
   The writer provides a reasonable and clear thesis that responds to the prompt.
   The writer opens with an accurate summary of the Callarman passage, choosing to focus on
    the idea of whether or not Chris is crazy to develop a well-reasoned response.
   The writer shows some depth and complexity by attempting to consider opposing viewpoints
    in the third paragraph, although the logic wavers somewhat.
   The essay tends to overuse generalities (largely that McClandless was “dumb” or “stupid”),
    and some sections are underdeveloped. However, the writer does provide some specific
    examples (McClandless’ refusal to obtain equipment, his abandonment of Ron) to back up
    the essay’s assertions.
   The writer’s personal voice is lively and consistent throughout the essay.
   Transitions are occasionally awkward or missing, but the writer generally succeeds at using
    transitional language to guide the reader through the essay.
   The writer is able to reiterate the essay’s position in the final paragraph without being overly
    repetitive.
   The essay suffers from some errors of expression, such as spelling (“equiptment,” “lieing”),
    usage (“would of,” “should of”), mechanics (“his parent’s marriage”), semicolon use, pronoun
    confusion (the use of “he” in the first paragraph), and style (overuse of “a lot”), but these
    concerns do not generally detract from meaning. On the strong side, this writer has learned


INTO THE WILD – SAMPLE STUDENT ESSAYS                           CSU Expository Reading and Writing Course | 3
    to use a comma before coordinating conjunctions that connect independent clauses.

Sample student essay with a score of 4:
        Chris McCandless was a risk-taker. He was a young man that wanted to be independent
and live his life without anyone telling him what to do. Some people, such as Shaun Callarman,
describe him as ignorant and arrogant. Others admire him for his ability to maintain his
independence and live under his own control while maintaining his morals.
        Shaun Callarman says he was “bright and ignorant at the same time.” He had to have
been bright. He read amazingly difficult books and followed their teachings as well. However,
aside from calling him bright, Callarman also calls McCandless ignorant. Was McCandless
ignorant for following the teachings of these books? No. He was just curious and obviously
determined.
        Callarman states, “He had no common sense, and he had no business going into Alaska
with his Romantic silliness.” I agree with what Callarman says in this passage. Common sense
would have told him to bring the necessary supplies with him before attempting to go into the
wilderness of Alaska. I have been taught from a very young age to not go anywhere without my
necessities, whether it be money, food, or water. I also have been taught to not go anywhere
alone, especially if it is a huge risk. Chris McCandless ignored, or showed absolutely no
common sense.
        I do not however think he was crazy. I do admire him for his ability to retain his morals
and live his dreams out to their fullest potential. He took risks and in doing so was able to
achieve what he most wanted. Independence.
Commentary
This essay illustrates the EPT Scoring Guide’s criteria for a score of 4. This adequate response
to the topic suggests that the writer should be able to handle college-level reading and writing.
   The writer demonstrates a generally accurate understanding of the passage, although the
    writer struggles to understand some of Callarman’s points (i.e., how McCandless could be
    “bright and ignorant at the same time”).
   The essay delivers its thesis in the first sentence; this thesis is succinct and responds to the
    prompt.
   The first paragraph is brief but adequately set up, with the question, Was Chris independent
    or arrogant? posed through logic and transitional language (e.g., “Some people . . .” in the
    third sentence, followed by “Others . . .” in the fourth).
   The writer quotes Callarman both directly and indirectly and attempts to incorporate quoted
    material smoothly with tag phrases, introductions, and other markers, although the
    quotations after the first paragraph are repetitive in terms of structure and logic.
   The essay as a whole is somewhat simplistic and repetitive. The final paragraph, for
    example, basically restates the thesis paragraph (first paragraph), and the body paragraphs
    tend to repeat their points as well.
   The logic in the essay is uneven, particularly in the third paragraph, where the essay seems
    to argue against its own thesis when the writer attempts to acknowledge Callarman’s
    “Romantic silliness” comment.
   The writer offers transitional language, although somewhat simplistic, within paragraphs



INTO THE WILD – SAMPLE STUDENT ESSAYS                           CSU Expository Reading and Writing Course | 4
    (“however” is a prominent transition) but does not provide similar guidance for the reader
    between paragraphs.
   The examples from the text (reading hard books, leaving without necessities) are relevant
    but are general and underdeveloped.
   The essay generally demonstrates control of grammar, usage, and mechanics; in fact, this
    essay is a prime example of a paper that handles the English language quite competently
    but that struggles in other areas, such as organization and development.

Sample student essay with a score of 3:
          Chris McCandless was an adventourous man. Chris McCandless wanted to live his life
to the fullest. Chris had changed his name to Alex the Supertramp. Alex wanted to live on the
‘road’. So he packed up all his belongings and burned his money. He unfortunaly died hundred
and twelve days after he ‘hit the road’. Many people think of him as inspiration. While Others
belived he was Crazy.
          I personally believe that Alex was an inspiration. An man by the name of Shawn
Callarman had written a passage about Alex. Callarman writes “I think that Chris McCandless
was bright and ignorant.” Callarman goes on to say that “I think he was just plain Crazy.” I
disagree I believe Alex had a purpose in life.
          I believe that Alex had taken some time to think about his journey. Alex had a purpose in
his life. I believe he wanted to show people how they can have goals and still acheive them.
Even though he died on his Journey he left a ‘track’ behind. Alex had many pals along the way
and he made a difference in their lives.
          Chris McCandless was an inspiration to me. Many people have their opinions of Chris.
Chris’s story could lean towards both ways. I believe that Chris MaCandless made a difference
in a least one person’s life on his Journey. Chris McCandless was Crazy but he was not just a
regular man. Chris McCandless was an inspiration to us all.
Commentary
This essay illustrates the EPT Scoring Guide’s criteria for a score of 3; however, it is a weak 3.
Although the essay suggests developing competence, it is flawed in significant ways that
suggest the writer needs additional practice before being able to succeed in college-level
reading and writing.
   The writer makes limited use of the passage, focusing solely on the idea of McClandless’s
    potential craziness.
   The essay quotes Callarman by implication and without attribution in the final sentence of
    the first paragraph. It mentions Callarman directly only in the second paragraph by providing
    two quotations, the first of which is simply dropped in, then left unaddressed.
   The writer struggles to choose between two potential thesis statements (“I personally
    believe that Alex was an inspiration” and “I believe Alex had a purpose in life”), both
    contained in the second paragraph and reiterated but not supported elsewhere in the essay.
   The body paragraphs are a series of assertions that lack effective transitions.
   The writer has limited control of syntax and vocabulary, using a highly repetitive sentence
    structure throughout the essay, with constructions of similar length, grammatical structure,
    and simplicity (e.g., the first three sentences of the first paragraph open with the word


INTO THE WILD – SAMPLE STUDENT ESSAYS                          CSU Expository Reading and Writing Course | 5
    “Chris”).
   The writer offers examples from the text that are accurate (McClandless’s changing his
    name, burning the money, making friends along the way), but these examples are often
    unspecific and are generally underdeveloped and undersupported.
   The writer struggles to maintain a consistent and appropriate verb tense throughout the
    essay.
   The essay suffers from an accumulation of errors, especially errors in spelling (“unfortuanly”
    and “belived”), punctuation (missing commas and misused single quotation marks), and
    erratic capitalization (“Others” and “Crazy”).

Sample student essay with a score of 2:
                                        Into the Wild Essay
         Callarman’s argument is that he thinks that McCandless was bright but a the same time
ignorant. He tries to said that he was dum by saying he was ignorant. Also he try to said that
McCandless didn’t have no business to go to Alaska. That he made Mistakes based on Pride.
That he was just going there because he was Crazy he didn’t know why he was going there.
         I also agree with him because why he wanted to go to Alaska. Specialy when he didn’t
have the right things to live in a place like that. He also was acting crazy that he didn’t even
know what he was doing. He even die because he didn’t have no Food to eat. And he was
acting weird with his parents and his brother and sister.
         Callamar made a good opinion about McCandless by saying that because he didn’t act
like a normal person. I think he didn’t act like an adult. Specialy when he sent the Letters to his
Family and his Friends. I think he did Miss his people he didn’t wanted to assume he Miss them.
He should to stay with his parents and never went to Alaska.
         McCandless did it wrong because he went to Alaska just because of his Romantic
illness. That was not a good reason to just go away and live to another place were he would not
live in good conditions. I think he could Forget about his Romantic illness and he could even get
another person. But he even kill his own life which is not a good thing.
Commentary
This essay illustrates the EPT Scoring Guide’s criteria for a score of 2. The serious flaws here
indicate that this writer will need considerable additional practice before being able to succeed
in college-level reading and writing. This piece provides a good picture of a student whose ESL
writing features are profoundly obscuring what would otherwise be a stronger (that is, a 3-level)
essay.
   The writer demonstrates a basic understanding of the passage but focuses on repeating
    Callarman’s points without establishing a clear direction for the essay.
   The writer fails to respond to the prompt with a focused thesis. The first sentence of the
    second paragraph, “I also agree with him . . . ” alludes to a potential thesis that has not yet
    been offered and that never appears explicitly in the essay.
   Although the writer attempts four body paragraphs, the paragraphs are not logically linked to
    one another.
   The writer attempts in the second paragraph to use transitional language to guide the reader
    through that particular paragraph, but the essay’s organization both within and between


INTO THE WILD – SAMPLE STUDENT ESSAYS                           CSU Expository Reading and Writing Course | 6
    paragraphs is left largely to the reader to discern.
   The essay offers generalizations (“he was acting weird with his parents”) without providing
    specific support.
   The writer lacks basic control of syntax (see the first sentence of the third paragraph) and
    vocabulary (“Romantic illness”), and some statements make no logical or syntactic sense at
    all (see the third sentence of the second paragraph and the first sentence of the third
    paragraph).
   The writer has serious and persistent errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics (spelling,
    erratic capitalization) that severely interfere with meaning. The problems many English
    learners have with idioms (“because why he wanted to go”), verb tenses (“he tries to said”),
    and verb forms (“he even kill his own life”) are pervasive and profoundly obscure meaning.

Sample student essay with a score of 1:
        I sure do agree with Callarmans argument. She is absolutly right McCandless was bright
and ignorant. And He defenatly had no common sense, he was one of those weird people you
won’t expect. For my observation she gots the same thoughts as I do. I shure think defining
terms allows me to cushion my position. The evidence that I will use is that He was writing all
his up and down pants.
        In my point of view I think that McCnadless was avery unique guy. He even did things
that no one would do. An example, work everywhere he stop use his name and give out half of
his idenity. That is my point and answere for this paragraph.
Commentary
This essay illustrates the EPT Scoring Guide’s criteria for a score of 1. The fundamental
deficiencies of this essay clearly indicate that the writer needs much additional practice in order
to be ready to succeed at college-level reading and writing.
   The writer agrees with the Callarman quotation without demonstrating any understanding of
    the passage.
   The writer fails to use the Callarman passage to develop a meaningful response to the
    prompt.
   The essay, at approximately 120 words, is seriously underdeveloped; statements of
    agreement with Callarman make up a considerable portion of the text.
   The digression about “cushion[ing] my position” contributes nothing to the minimal text the
    writer provides. The writer’s reflective statements about purpose are similarly wasted.
   The only evidence provided by the writer is McCandless’s evasive attitude toward self-
    identification at work, but even this example is so poorly expressed as to be nearly
    incoherent.
   The writer lacks basic control of syntax and vocabulary.
   The writer has serious and persistent errors in mechanics that severely interfere with
    meaning. Spelling and verb form errors are pervasive.




INTO THE WILD – SAMPLE STUDENT ESSAYS                          CSU Expository Reading and Writing Course | 7

				
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