Stinky Flowers by Croft Vaughn

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					Stinky Flowers and the Bad Banana

   __________________________


 A Multi-Media, Fairy Tale Play

         By Croft Vaughn




                           Croft Vaughn
                           85 Montrose Ave, Apt 2F
                           917.566.9055
                           yourman@croftvaughn.com


                           ©2011 Croft Vaughn
                                                            ii.


                     CHARACTER BREAKDOWN



SINCLAIR TURNER 9, Military brat. Overactive imagination.
        Shy and curious. Black square frame glasses.

SAMANTHA TURNER (SAM) 14, Sinclair’s sister. The oldest, the
        leader. A capricious judge.

STUART TURNER (STU) 12 The middle brother. Instigator,
        charmer, overweight.

RUSSELL 50's+, Sinclair’s imaginary friend. Resembles what
       their grandfather might have looked like.

ELIZABETH 30's+, Russell’s friend, also imaginary. Resembles
        what their mother may look like.




MOM (voice over) Single mother, former Jazz Singer. Lost.

GRANDPA (voice over) Best pilot instructor in the Air Force.
        Enjoys a good story.




AUDIENCE Treat them delicately. They are full of magic and
        danger; they can explode in anger or joy at any
        moment. Intensely curious, they want to know what’s
        going on.
                                                         iii.




                          SETTING


    The attic of the Turner’s new home in Wichita, Kansas.
Most of the boxes are theirs. Some treasures may have been
left by previous owners.      There is an old fashioned
overhead projector on a table. It shines light on a white
bed sheet, hung on the upstage wall.




                           TIME

   Fall. Saturday. Afternoon.




                       SOUND EFFECTS

    Some words are spoken to elicit a sound effect,
demonstrate an imaginary prop, or show action taking place.
Physical gestures can accompany these special words, found
in ‘ ’ single quotation marks.




                       SPECIAL NOTE

    I encourage you to hand out homemade chocolate chip
cookies to the Audience on their way out. It’s a very nice
touch.
                                                               iv.




                          ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS


    Special Thanks to: The Field, Fieldwork, James Scruggs, Pele
B a u c h, Fernando Maneca, Karen Bernard, Six Figures Theatre
Company, Shoshana Solomon, Adam Goldstein, Elizabeth Gordon, Matt
Neufeld, PS250, Kelly Miller, J. Ryan Graves, Jill Dombrowski,
Bryan Dembinski, Sydney Skybetter, Hartford Stages, C Venues,
59E59 Theaters, Indy Fringe, Pauline Moffatt, Ivy Long, Dixon
Place, WTE Theatre, F r i t z i e Andrade, Melissa Z y g m a n t, The
Management, Joshua Conkel, David A Miller, Barbara Dente, Lauren
Heirig, BAX, Maya Visco, Horsetrade Theatres, Andrew Dinwiddie,
Jeff Larson, Likeness to Lily, Matt Burnett, Susan Oetgen, Karen
Bernard, Nuno Senos, Michael Tamburro, Jeff Heyman, Alana McNair,
Kathy Stephan, Nesbit and LaPurr, Ryan Frank, and everyone along
the way that helped nurture this show into existence.




                            Dedicated to
                       William C. Vaughn III
                       (01-09-42 ~ 11-06-10)
SCENE I

                         As Audience enters, SINCLAIR
                         stands downstage of the table,
                         facing upstage towards the
                         screen. Large headphones, which
                         completely cover his ears, are
                         plugged into an old tape
                         recorder. He is unaware of the
                         Audience entering.

                         Sinclair plays with the projector
                         and 2 small birds on thin rods.
                         Gently playing with their
                         shadows, he gives them words to
                         say by writing on the projector
                         plate.

                       PROJECTOR TEXT
Let’s hop.
I don’t know.
It’s fun!
OK.

                         The bird puppets hop on the
                         projector, their silhouettes
                         playing on the bed sheet. The
                         birds return to their perch.
                         Sinclair wipes away the previous
                         text, and writes the following.

                       PROJECTOR TEXT
Let’s dig for worms.
I don’t know.
They’re so tasty!
OK.

                         The bird puppets dig for worms,
                         and return to their perch.

                         When the Audience is seated,
                         Sinclair presses ‘play’ on the
                         tape recorder. The Audience hears
                         what he hears: a very simple, and
                         candid recording.
                                                             2.


                          Sinclair’s Grandfather is at a
                          piano vamping an introduction,
                          coaxing a song out of Sinclair’s
                          Mother. Sinclair writes on the
                          projector as the tape plays.

      PROJECTOR TEXT          GRANDFATHER (VOICE OVER)

Let’s fly.                Just one time, I want to record it.

                              MOM (VOICE OVER)

                          Dad, you’re going to wake the baby.
I don’t know.

                              GRANDFATHER (VOICE OVER)

                          I’ll play softly, please, just this
Trust me.                 once.

                              MOM (VOICE OVER)

                          I really don’t…   OK., fine.
OK.

(The birds fly
above the projector,
floating in the light
that spills upward.)

(With a free hand,
Sinclair wipes away the
text.)                       “Everything You Want to Know”

(He pulls across a             MOM (VOICE OVER)
transparency of two       SOME SAY IT’S IN THE HAND YOU’RE
birds with waving         DEALT.
contrails flying behind   SOME SAY IT’S IN THE CARDS YOU
them.)                    PLAY.
                          SOME SAY IT’S WRITTEN IN THE LINES,
                          ‘CROSS YOUR PALM, OR IN THE SANDS
(He pulls across          OF TIME.
another transparency of
floating musical
notes.)                   EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW,
                          EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW.
                                                               3.


                                MOM (Cont.)
(The musical notes play
across the waving staff    SOME PEOPLE LOOK FOR IT AT DAY,
of the contrail lines      SOME LOOK AT NIGHT AND OTHERS PRAY,
on the transparency        SOME SEEK IT OUT INSIDE A SMILE,
underneath.)               SOME STOP THE SEARCH, AFTER A
                           WHILE.



                           EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW,
                           EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW,
                           EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW.

                                MOM (VOICE OVER)
                           OK, that’s it.
(Sinclair removes the
music notes                     GRANDFATHER
transparency.)             There’s one more verse.

                                MOM
                           Dad, I can’t.
(Sinclair removes
flying birds and                GRANDFATHER
contrails                  Please, it’s for Sinclair.
transparency.)
                                MOM
                           You know every time I sing it I
                           cry.

                                GRANDPA
                           It’s ok, just...
(The bird puppets
continue to fly                 MOM
softly.)                   No. I’m turning this off. (click)



                          SCENE II

                         SAM
(Offstage, running upstairs) Sinclair! Are you up there!?

                         STU
(Offstage, mocking Sam) Are you up there!?
                                                               4.


                           SAM
                      (Entering.)
Shut up Stu!

                              She turns, sees the Audience, and
                              becomes speechless.

                         STU
                    (Offstage, running upstairs.)
You shut up! (Pause) Whoa, it worked! (Entering)
Sinclair! You won’t believe it, Sam is...


                              Stu sees the audience, and
                              swallows his words.

                              Russell enters with Elizabeth
                              from the shadows of the attic.

                            RUSSELL
Hi Sinclair.

                            SINCLAIR
Hi Russell, Hi Elizabeth.

                            SAM
RUSSELL!?

                            STU
ELIZABETH!?

                            RUSSELL
Hello Sam.

                            STU
(To Sam)    How did you know that’s Russell?

                            SAM
(To Stu)    How did you know that’s Elizabeth?

                            SAM & STU
You can see him/her too?!

                            STU
Oh my gosh!
                                                             5.


                          SAM
Good, I’m not the only one going nuts.

                          SINCLAIR
What’s wrong with you two?

                            SAM & STU
It’s Russell/Elizabeth!

                            SINCLAIR
I know.

                          SAM & STU
But she/he’s you’re imaginary friend!

                          RUSSELL
Actually, Elizabeth is my imaginary friend.

                          SINCLAIR
You mean, you can see them now, too?

                            SAM & STU
Uh huh.

                           SINCLAIR
Well that’s just great.   How did this happen?

                            RUSSELL
Wish I could tell you.

                          SINCLAIR
Who’s supposed to spy on them now if they can see you?

                            STU
What do you mean, spying?

                            SINCLAIR
Nothing.

                          STU
You mean, they’ve been watching us?

                          RUSSELL
How else is Sinclair going to know what you two are up to?
                                                             6.


                           SINCLAIR
Russell!

                          SAM
Sinclair, if Russell was in my room...

                          ELIZABETH
Don’t worry, your room is off-limits to boys, even if they
are imaginary.

                            SAM
Thank goodness.    Wait, then has she been spying on me?

                           STU
How could you?!

                          SINCLAIR
They are my imaginary friends and...

                           RUSSELL
Ahem.   Elizabeth is my imaginary friend.

                          SINCLAIR
...And they want to protect me.

                            RUSSELL
(To Stu)    It’s not nice being told you don’t exist.

                            ELIZABETH
(To Sam)    Or being called, Sinclair’s Stupid Imaginary
friends.

                          RUSSELL
Or Silly Sinclair’s helpers.

                          ELIZABETH
Or the make believe brigade of the block-headed baby brother.

                           RUSSELL
Or the...

                           SINCLAIR
OK, they get it.

                           STU
We’re sorry.
                                                               7.


                          SAM
We won’t make fun of you any more.

                          STU
Please don’t spy on us.

                          SINCLAIR
Do you think this means that everyone can see you now?   Mom
already said you could live here.

                          SAM
I think we have a bigger problem right now.

                          STU
Much bigger.

                          SINCLAIR
What?

                          STU
Them.


SCENE III

                            Everyone turns to the Audience.
                            Sinclair is shocked and agog.
                            Russell & Elizabeth are mostly un-
                            fazed. Russell waves hello.

                          SINCLAIR
Whose imaginary friends are those?

                          STU
Not mine.

                          SAM
Not mine.

                          SINCLAIR
Me Neither!

                          SAM, STU, & SINCLAIR
Russell?
                                                           8.


                         RUSSELL
(Scans the audience) Nope. You? (Elizabeth shakes her head
no.) Maybe someone should investigate?

                          SAM, STU, & SINCLAIR
Good idea.

                          STU & SINCLAIR
Not it.

                          SAM
OK, fine.

                           STU
(As Sam inches forward)   Do you think they bite?

                          SINCLAIR
Or breathe fire?

                          STU
Or spit flesh-eating acid like those dinosaurs in...?

                         SAM
Shut up! (Selects an Audience member, waves at them, gets a
reaction) AH! (Runs back.) That one moved!

                          STU
I bet they eat worms, and smell like licorice.

                          SINCLAIR
I bet they’re made of gold and can breathe underwater.

                          SAM
I bet they’re ghosts.

                          STU
(Pushing Sinclair forward) Your turn.

                             Sinclair runs and grabs a purse
                             planted in the Audience, as
                             though his number was called in
                             Steal the Bacon.

                           SAM
I’ll investigate this.
                                                         9.


                            SINCLAIR
What is it?

                            SAM
It’s a purse.

                            STU
Really?    It looks more like spacecraft debris to me.

                            SAM
Listen, it’s a purse!

                          SINCLAIR
No, I think it’s Egyptian treasure.

                            SAM
I told you..!

                            STU
But look at the markings.

                            SINCLAIR
Hieroglyphs.

                            STU
Alien!

                          SAM
Listen you nim-wits, I told you, it’s a purse.

                            SINCLAIR
Fine, it’s a purse.

                            STU
From outer space.

                           SAM
(Pushing Stu forward)   Your turn.

                          STU
Fine, just don’t mention the ‘G’ word.   (Stu goes to
investigate.)

                            SINCLAIR
Goblins?
                                                            10.


                            SAM
Ghouls?

                            SINCLAIR
Boogers?

                          STU
Boogers doesn’t start with a ‘G.’

                            SINCLAIR
I know, but still.

                            SAM
(Smiling)   Ghosts?

                          STU
I told you, not the ‘G’ word!

                              Sam and Sinclair slyly make ghost
                              noises as Stu approaches an
                              Audience member. His index finger
                              is extended to touch one in
                              horror/fascination. Inches away
                              from contact, he withdraws his
                              finger to lick it for good
                              measure before making contact
                              with someone’s forehead.

                          STU
My finger didn’t go through!

                            SAM
Well, they’re not ghosts.

                            STU
Nope.

                            SINCLAIR
So, that means...

                         STU
(Realizing) They’re REAL! (Runs back)

                            SINCLAIR
What are we going to do?
                                                               11.


                          SAM, STU, & SINCLAIR
Russell?

                          ELIZABETH
Maybe you should say something, to them.

                          SAM
Like what?

                          ELIZABETH
Hello?    For starters.

                          SAM
Hi.

                          SINCLAIR
Hello.

                          STU
(Swallows his words)

                          SAM
What next?

                          RUSSELL
They look like ordinary people...

                           STU
That’s so weird.   How did ordinary people get in our attic?

                          SAM
What are we going to do? We just moved here, does this mean
we have to live with them? Where did they come from, what do
they want with us, what if they really do breath fire...!?

                          SINCLAIR
(Stepping forward, cautiously) Hello, this is Samantha, you
can call her Sam, she’s my older sister. This is Stuart, you
can call him Stu. Older brother. My name is Sinclair, you
can call me, Sinclair. You know Russell and Elizabeth?
They’re imaginary too, I guess. You don’t breathe fire do
you?

                          SAM
Or fly?
                                                                12.


                          STU
Or turn kids into frogs or squirrels!?

                          SINCLAIR
Shh! Do you talk, do you know how to talk? Do you know how
to sing? Our Mom used to be a singer, but, she doesn’t talk
much any more, she’s lonely-and ashamed of feeling lonely-
with 3 kids and all...

                            SAM
Sinclair!    Stop, don’t, do that.

                          STU
You’re not going to eat us, are you!?    I taste bad, I don’t
bathe.

                           SINCLAIR
Me neither!

                           SAM
It’s true.

                         SINCLAIR
Wait, I’ve got an idea. Do you like cookies? Yeah? OK.,
here goes nothing. (Runs to attic door and shouts
downstairs.) MOM! Bad News! An army of savages stormed the
attic!

                            SAM
(Catching on)    It’s the, Ravenous-Savegous Tribe, and they’ve
captured us!

                          STU
And want to turn our skulls into lawn ornaments!

                          SINCLAIR
The only way to save us is if you bake them some cookies!   If
you love us,

                           SAM, STU, & SINCLAIR
Bake Cookies!   (Sinclair slams the door)
                                                             13.


SCENE IV

                          SINCLAIR
(To Audience) Although, she might be catching on. Grandpa
says I have a “tendency for exaggerating the truth.” Which
is fancy talk for,

                            SAM
Lying

                            SINCLAIR
With style.

                          STU
This one time, we just moved into a new house in Panama City,
Florida, we were playing treasure hunt.

                          SAM
We were following a treasure map.

                            STU
Running from sea pirates!

                          SINCLAIR
And I found a box of cassette tapes!

                            STU
What?

                            SAM
You did?

                            SINCLAIR
Oops.

                          STU
You didn’t tell me about that.

                            SINCLAIR
(Covering)    It was for your protection!

                          SAM
What happened to the cassette tapes?
                                                             14.


                          SINCLAIR
(Lying) I don’t remember. The pirates took it back.      I had
to ditch the treasure to throw them off my trail!

                          STU
You didn’t tell me you found the treasure!

                          SINCLAIR
I got so excited when I found the treasure, that’s when I
broke Mom’s lamp.

                         STU
Now that I remember.

                          SAM
You broke the lamp on purpose?

                          SINCLAIR
No! It was an accident! But it made so much noise, I was
sure the pirates heard me. I had to think fast. So I ran to
my bedroom, and Grandpa found me hiding under my bed. (Hides
under the table)

                          SAM
If you were protecting Stu, why were you hiding?

                         SINCLAIR
Well, I...

                          STU
That doesn’t sound like you were protecting me at all.

                         SINCLAIR
No, you see...

                          SAM
It sounds like you were afraid.

                         SINCLAIR
Wait...

                          STU
Of getting caught for breaking Mom’s lamp.
                                                                15.


                          SINCLAIR
(Last ditch effort) The Pirates made me break the lamp!     I
had to hide or they would have found me, and taken the
treasure! If they caught you without the treasure...

                          SAM
They would have used us as ransom to get it.    Nice try.

                          SINCLAIR
I, I...

                          SAM
Tell us what really happened Sinclair.

                           SINCLAIR
OK, fine.   Hey, Russell, can you be Grandpa?

                          RUSSELL
Sure.

                          SINCLAIR
Grandpa, thank goodness you’re all right! The pirates must
be gone, but I think they broke Mom’s lamp. We should check
to make sure there’s no more collateral damage. I’m sure the
insurance covers pirate raids, they throw it in free with
shark attack protection. (To Audience) And then Grandpa did
this.

                             Looking at the Audience, Russell
                             & Sinclair lower their noses)

                          SINCLAIR
That’s Grandpa’s sign for:

                          RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
“There’s something you’re not telling me.”

                          SINCLAIR
So I told him how I found the treasure and got excited and
broke Mom’s lamp.

                          RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
“You’re going to have to tell your mother the bad news, or
it’s just going to smell worse the longer you don’t share
it.”
                                                           16.


                          SINCLAIR
What are you talking about Grandpa? Bad news doesn’t smell
bad. It doesn’t smell like anything, it’s just bad news, Mom
will understand, I’m sure she’s had plenty of pirate attacks
in her days... And then he started to sing. (Gets an idea)
Oh, wait, you guys know the song right?

                          SAM
We are not going to sing the Stinky Flower song...

                           STU
Come on Sam...

                          SINCLAIR
Yeah, come on, we’ll let you play the salesman.

                           SAM
Sales-woman.

                          STU
Oooh, I love when the king...

                           SAM
STU, don’t give it away.

                           SINCLAIR
So you’ll do it?

                           SAM
I don’t know...

                          SINCLAIR
(a military strategist) Look, it’s Ravenous-Savegous tribe
we’re talking about. They’re hungry and they don’t like to
wait. We’ve got some time before they get restless. Assuming
mom heard our cry for help, believed us, and decided to bake
a batch of cookies, it’s going to be a while before those
cookies are ready. If we distract them long enough, they
might forget that we are food to them. Ultimately, have to
show them that we are not dinner. Me and Stuart can’t do this
alone, we need you! Are you with us?!

                          SAM
I’m worried about our brother.
                                                            17.


                           STU
They do look hungry.

                          SAM
Well, I guess I don’t want to get eaten by otherwise docile
ordinary looking imaginary people who magically appeared in
our attic out of nowhere and don’t seem to be going anywhere
anytime soon.

                           STU
Did you get all that?

                          SINCLAIR
And she’s worried about me.


SCENE V

                              Russel pulls an imaginary pitch
                              pipe from his pocket and prepares
                              the note.

                            ALL
BANA-BANANA-BANANA   BANA-BANANA-BANANA
BANA-BANANA-BANANA   BANA-BANANA-BANANA
BANA-BANANA-BANANA   BANA-BANANA-BANANA
BANA-BANANA-BANANA   BANA-BANANA-BANANA

HERE’S A TALE OF STINKY FLOWERS.
THEY ARE BAD NEWS.
DON’T GO NEAR THE STINKY FLOWERS,
IF YOU DO, YOU’LL BE SINGING THE BLUES.

THEY GROW IN A GARDEN, “UH-UH” (Hip Bumps)
IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIELD, “UH-UH” (Hip Bumps)
IF YOU FIND YOURSELF DOWNWIND, “UH-UH” (Hip Bumps)
DON’T BE SHOCKED IF THE FRUIT OF EVIL’S BEEN UN-PEELED.
‘Squish!’

BANA-BANANA-BANANA   BANA-BANANA-BANANA
BANA-BANANA-BANANA   BANA-BANANA-BANANA
BANA-BANANA-BANANA   BANA-BANANA-BANANA
BANA-BANANA-BANANA   BANA-BANANA-BANANA
                                                              18.


BEST BEWARE THE STINKY FLOWERS
THEY ARE BAD NEWS.
DON’T GO NEAR THE STINKY FLOWERS,

                             Sinclair plucks a beautiful
                             flower, then discovers how awful
                             it smells.

IF YOU DO, YOU’LL BE SINGING THE BLUES.

                          SINCLAIR
A thief had stolen the Queen’s journal!   (Displays the
Audience member’s purse.)

                          ALL
No!

                          SINCLAIR
Don’t worry, the thief couldn’t read. He ran away, into a
field, where he came upon a flower patch, with a sign, that
said...

                          STU
(Reading) Stinky Flowers, Bad News...?

                           SINCLAIR
Stu!   The thief can’t read!

                          STU
Sorry.

                          SINCLAIR
The thief disregarded the ominous warning. O.M.I.N.O.U.S.
Ominous. He went up to the biggest, nastiest flower and took
a great big whiff.

                          STU AS THIEF
AWW, these smell terrible, these smell like sweaty gym socks
and 3 day-old limburger cheese!

                          SINCLAIR
The thief felt a ‘ting ting ting.’    On his shoulder...

                          ELIZABETH
It was a Knight, on a horse, with a spear!
                                                              19.


                          RUSSELL AS KNIGHT
“You stole the Queen’s journal, you’re going to the dungeon,
‘spear!’”

                          SINCLAIR
And as the horse was leaving, it kicked down the sign,
obfuscating the ominous warning.

                             Russell as Knight returns purse
                             to Audience member.

                           SAM
O.B.F.U.S.C.A.T.I.N.G.   Obfuscating.

                          SINCLAIR
Good job!

                          ELIZABETH
It was then, that an honest traveling Sales-woman came upon
the stinky flower patch!

                          SINCLAIR
The Sales-woman lacked a sense of smell and seeing they were
rare and exotic, she gathered them up and said,

                         SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
(Cockney Accent) “‘Ese are incre’ible flower, maybe I can
sell ‘em in town.”

                           SINCLAIR
Into town she went.   She knocked on the door to a dusty
yellow cabin.

                          SAM
“Knock, knock, knock.”

                          ELIZABETH
A blacksmith opened the door.

                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“‘Ello Sir!”

                          STU AS BLACKSMITH
“How’s Doin.”
                                                              20.


                          SINCLAIR
At the back of the workshop was a lady, hiding her face with
a fancy fan.

                              Elizabeth fans herself

                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“Flowers sir, for the misses?”

                          STU AS BLACKSMITH
(Smelling the flowers) “She’s not my wife...AH! Get those
outta my face, those smell terrible, those smell like sweaty
gym socks and 3 day-old limburger cheese.”

                            SINCLAIR
The Blacksmith felt a:

                            RUSSELL
‘Ting, ting, ting.’

                          SINCLAIR
It was the Blacksmith’s wife, who noticed the lady with the
fancy fan.

                          RUSSELL AS BLACKSMITH’S WIFE
“Larry, who is this woman? What is she doing here? And why
is she hiding her face!?”

                            ELIZABETH AS LADY
“It’s just a fan, ma’am.”

                            STU AS BLACKSMITH
“It’s just a fan, honey!”

                          RUSSELL AS BLACKSMITH’S WIFE
“Just a fan??? Larry, when I get done with you, you’ll need
more than a fan to cool off your tanned hide!”

                          SAM
The Sales-woman decided that flowers weren’t needed here now.

                          SINCLAIR
She saw a quaint country cottage.

                            RUSSELL
Pale blue.
                                                              21.


                          STU
Thatched roof.

                          SAM
‘Knock, knock, knock.’

                          ELIZABETH
A butcher opened the door.

                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“Good Day, Sir!”

                          SINCLAIR
The Sales-woman jumped back as 5 cats scrambled out through
the door! ‘Merow! Merow! Merow! Merow!’ ‘Mewwwwww.’

                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“Uhh...Flowers sir, for the, Special Someone?”

                          STU AS BUTCHER
“I don’t need any stinking flowers...Whoa, zose are stinky
flowers, zose smell just like zveaty gym zocks and sree day
old limburger cheese!”

                          ELIZABETH
The Sales-woman felt a:

                           SINCLAIR AS MESSENGER
‘Ting, ting, ting.’   “Bessage from da kig!”

                          RUSSELL
It was the Royal Messenger, nose, red!

                          SINCLAIR AS MESSENGER
(Almost sneezes) “Sorry, I have a code. Ahem. You are
hereby fined fie huh-dred peasant coins for sellig poor
quality beats.”

                          STU AS BUTCHER
“NO!”

                          RUSSELL
And the butcher slammed the door!

                          ELIZABETH
The Sales-woman came upon another dwelling.
                                                           22.


                            SINCLAIR
Walls, stone.

                            STU
Door, red.

                            SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
‘Knock, Knock, Knock.’

                            ELIZABETH
A wizard opened the door.

                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“Flowers, sir, for the special occasion, person, potion, or,
no reason ‘t’all?”

                          RUSSELL AS WIZARD
“No thank you, we’re not interested...(Sniff) AHHH, they
smell terrible, they smell so bad, they smell like sweaty gym
socks and 3 day-old limburger cheese.”

                          SINCLAIR
He stepped back and knocked into a huge pile of ‘Armor!’

                            SAM
‘Swords!”

                            STU
‘Spears!’

                            SINCLAIR
‘Shields!’

                            SAM
‘Collapse!’

                            STU
‘Collide!’

                            SINCLAIR
‘Careen!’

                            ELIZABETH
‘Carom!’
                                                              23.


                          SAM
‘Crunch,’

                          STU
‘Crush,’

                          SINCLAIR
‘Clash,’

                          ELIZABETH
‘Clang,’

                          RUSSELL
‘Crashhhhhhh,’

                          ELIZABETH
(Pause)    ‘Quiet.’

                          SINCLAIR AS MESSENGER
(Pause. Taps Sam’s shoulder) ‘Ting Ting Ting.’ “BESSAGE
FROB DA KIG!!! (Almost sneezes.) AHH! I had dat, I have
such a dasty code. Ahebedeb. YOU ARE HEREBY UDDER ARREST FOR
STEALING ARBS FROB DA KIG, AND BAKING TOO BUCH DOISE!!”

                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
‘But I wasn’t stealing anything!”

                          SINCLAIR AS MESSENGER
“TELL DAT TO DA KIG!”

                          STU
The Saleswoman and the Wizard were thrown into the dungeon!

                          ELIZABETH
Where they saw a thief, shackled to the wall.

                           STU
Aww!   (Reluctantly stands by wall with arms up.)

                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“Wizard, will you tell the king tha’ I had nothing to do with
the stealing?”

                          RUSSELL AS WIZARD
“I could, but it won’t help.”
                                                              24.


                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“But why were you stealing from ‘im?”

                          RUSSELL AS WIZARD
“He’s horrible and we wanted to overthrow him. He’s not even
the real king, the real king is off fighting a war somewhere
and this guy stepped in, in his absence. He’s doing awful
things to the kingdom, everyone hates him.”

                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“These flowers have gotten me into a lo’ of trouble today.”

                          RUSSELL AS WIZARD
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say those were the
legendary, stinky flowers...”

                              Russell grabs a flashlight and
                              shines it on his face for a
                              spooky effect; all else is dark.

                          RUSSELL AS WIZARD
“Centuries ago, the townsfolk were going to destroy a good
witch! But, before her demise, she enchanted her garden into
a patch of stinky flowers. She had her revenge every time
someone smelled a stinky flower. For if you ever did
something wrong, or bad, in any way, the smell of the stinky
flower would bring the bad deed to light!”

                              Russell turns off the flashlight.
                              Stu turns on the attic light.

                            EVERYONE EXCEPT STU
AH!

                            STU
Sorry, it was dark.

                            SINCLAIR AS MESSENGER
(Taps on their shoulders)    ‘Ting Ting Ting.’ “DA KIG WILL
SEE YOU DOW!”

                          ELIZABETH
The wizard and the Sales-woman were led to the great palace
hall. King Regimbald was seated at the throne.
                                                             25.


                          STU AS REGIMBALD
(Evil, nasal voice) “So Wizard, you thought you could steal
from me? You’re wrong! And now you are going to die! But
before I destroy you, tell me, who is your friend?”

                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“Your majesty, I’m an honest traveling Sales-woman, I mean
you no harm. (Kneels.) Please accept ‘ese flowers as an
‘umble gesture of gra’itude for not taking my life.”

                          STU AS REGIMBALD
(Disappointed) “How kind, I’m touched. (Not enjoying the
good feelings this brought him.) No one’s ever given me
flowers before. But wait. I seem to remember a legend about
fowl flora. Excuse me, not to nip a gift flower in the bud,
(pause for the rest of the cast to groan) but, I’ll have my
messenger tell me how they smell.”

                          SINCLAIR AS MESSENGER
“BUT YOUR HI-DESS, I HAVE A CODE!”

                          STU AS REGIMBALD
“Don’t talk to me about codes, I’m the King!   Just smell
those flowers.”

                           SINCLAIR AS MESSENGER
“OK, (Smells, Sneezes)   OH! THAT WAS WODERFUL!”

                          STU AS REGIMBALD
“Great, now give them to me. Let’s get a look at these
flowers. So rare, and, beautiful. Like, me.”

                             Stu sniffs. Sniffs again, looks
                             around, suspiciously.

                          STU AS REGIMBALD
“OK, who did it? It wasn’t me! I would know, but someone
really cracked a fowl one there, I mean, (sniffs, amused)
AAUUWww! It smells just like sweaty gym socks and 3 day-old
limburger cheese!”

                           SINCLAIR AS MESSENGER
(taps on Stu’s shoulder)   ‘Ting Ting Ting.’ “BESSAGE FROB DA
KIG!”
                                                               26.


                          STU AS REGIMBALD
“I didn’t give you any messages!”

                          ELIZABETH
But then, the doors to the Great Palace Hall burst open, and
a gallant knight on a mighty steed galloped in!

                          SINCLAIR AS MESSENGER
“DA REAL KIG HAS RETURNED!”

                          RUSSELL AS KING
(Coming down from the horse) ‘Dismount!’ (The Cowboy of
Cowboys.) “Hello everybody, I’m back from fighting the war.
I heard you’ve been doing a horrible job, well, it’s off to
the dungeon with you.”

                         STU AS REGIMBALD
“NO!”

                          SINCLAIR
And everyone rejoiced as King Regimbald was dragged away!

                         ALL
Yay!

                          ELIZABETH
The Saleswoman saw the Stinky Flowers on the Palace floor...

                         SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“Stand back! Those are the legendary Stinky Flowers!     Those
flowers are cursed!”

                          SINCLAIR
Entering, the Queen laughed.

                          ELIZABETH AS QUEEN
(Proper British, or Julia Child) “Ah-ha-ha-ha.    The legend
is just a story. Flowers can’t be cursed.”

                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“But they are! The Blacksmith smelled them, and he was
caught, cheating on his wife.”

                          RUSSELL AS BLACKSMITH’S WIFE
“Larry, I’ll tan your hide!”
                                                           27.


                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“The Butcher smelled them, and he was caught chopping up cats
for meat.”

                         SINCLAIR
‘Merow!’

                         STU
‘Chop!’

                         ALL
AH!

                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“The Wizard smelled them, and he was caught stealing from the
King. ‘Collapse!”

                         STU
‘Collide!’

                         SINCLAIR
‘Careen!’

                         ELIZABETH
‘Carom!’

                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“And then King Regimbald smelled them and the real King
returned!”

                          ELIZABETH AS QUEEN
“The real King returned because I sent him an urgent message
to return home at once. And besides, why hasn’t anything
happened to you?”

                          SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“I don’t have a sense of smell.”

                          ELIZABETH AS QUEEN
“Then give the flowers to me. I’ll smell them and prove that
there’s nothing to the legend...(sniff) Oh, (giggles, she
enjoys it a bit too much) they smell just like sweaty gym
socks and 3 day-old limburger cheese!”

                         SAM AS SALES-WOMAN
“I warned you!”
                                                            28.


                          SINCLAIR
The queen pulled out a fancy fan to waft away the fetid
effluvium.

                            STU
E.F.F.L.U.V.I.U.M.    Effluvium.

                           SINCLAIR
Good Job Stu!

                           STU
Thanks!

                           SAM
The queen felt a...

                          STU
(Taps on Elizabeth’s shoulder)     ‘Ting ting ting.’

                           SINCLAIR
It was the Blacksmith!

                          STU AS BLACKSMITH
(To the Queen) “Honey, let’s go back to my workshop, this
place gives me the creeps.”

                              All turn to look at Stu.

                           STU AS BLACKSMITH
“What?”

                          RUSSELL AS KING
“Did the Blacksmith just call you ‘Honey,’ Honey?”

                          ALL
(Turning to look at the Audience in shock, they sing.)

BANA-BANANA-BANANA
BANA-BANANA-BANANA
BANA-BANANA-BANANA
BANA-BANANA-BANANA

THAT’S THE TALE OF STINKY FLOWERS
THEY ARE BAD NEWS.
BEST BEWARE THE STINKY FLOWERS,
                                                               29.


IF YOU DO WRONG, YOU’LL BE SINGING THE BLUES.
BANANANA! ‘Squish!’


SCENE VI

                          SINCLAIR
So I went and told Mom, (to Elizabeth) Mom, I have a stinky
flower for you, it’s bad news. I broke the lamp in your room
playing treasure hunt.

                          ELIZABETH
And then, she did Grandpa’s thing. (Lowers her nose)

                            SINCLAIR
And I’m sorry.

                          SAM
What happened to the box of cassette tapes?

                            SINCLAIR
I, I gave it back to Mom.

                           SAM
(Lowering her nose)   Sinclair...

                          SINCLAIR
Hey, that’s Grandpa’s thing, you can’t do that!

                           STU
(Lowering his nose)   Sinclair...

                           SINCLAIR
I protected you!   Traitor!

                           ELIZABETH & RUSSELL
(Lowering their noses)   Sinclair...

                          SINCLAIR
ALL RIGHT! All right, I kept one cassette tape!    ARgg..
You’ll never take me alive!

                              Sinclair grabs the tape player
                              and dives behind the table.
                                                               30.


                            SAM
I knew it.

                            STU
Why?

                             SINCLAIR
It had my name on it.     That means it’s mine!

                            SAM
You have to give it back.

                             STU
It has his name on it.     Did any of them say Stuart?

                          SINCLAIR
There’s only one song on it, half a song really.    But it’s
mom, and she’s singing.

                           ELIZABETH
(To Sinclair)   You’ve never heard your mother sing?

                          SAM
Mom used to sing to us all the time.

                            STU
I remember.

                          SINCLAIR
I’ve only heard her on the tape. (To Audience) And here’s
what else, cause I told Mom the truth that I broke the lamp,
we, I, didn’t get grounded! So, if you ever have bad news
for someone, you can say, you can say... “I have a stinky
flower for you,” cause no one like to hear, “I’ve got bad
news.” It’s a flower, which is nice because it’s the truth.
It just doesn’t smell very good. But, bad news, like a fowl
stench, goes away, with time. (He thinks of Grandpa)

                          SAM
Grandpa’s stories are the best!

                           STU
(To Audience)   No, really.

                            SAM
(To Stu)   Yes, really.
                                                             31.


                            SINCLAIR
It’s true.

                          STU
Grandpa was in the Air Force & taught pilots how to fly.   He
even showed us the planes they flew.

                            SINCLAIR
Eagles.    Raptors.

                            SAM
Hornets.    Thunderbolts.

                          STU
And the Navy’s Blue Angels. They were the best, and I told
everyone at school.

                          SINCLAIR
He got into a fight for it too.

                            STU
No I didn’t!

                            SAM
You sure did.

                          STU
It was never my fault, never-never-never.

                          SAM
That’s not what the teacher saw.

                          STU
The teacher didn’t see nothing.

                            SINCLAIR
Anything.

                            STU
What?

                          SINCLAIR
Anything, the teacher didn’t see anything.

                            STU
What are you saying?
                                                               32.


                            SINCLAIR
It’s a double negative...

                          STU
Is Crybaby calling me stupid?

                            SAM
Stuart.

                            SINCLAIR
That’s not fair Stu.

                          STU
So I’m STUpid, huh, crybaby?

                          SINCLAIR
No, you’re confused-and upset-about being confused...

                            SAM
Sinclair, stop.

                          SINCLAIR
And you think everyone is in on some joke you don’t get and
they’re laughing at you behind your back when really...

                            STU
Oh yeah?! (Stu attacks)

                            SINCLAIR
AHH!

                          SAM
STU! OFF! Sinclair, you can’t keep doing that. Telling
someone how they feel isn’t polite in front of company.

                            SINCLAIR
But it’s the truth!    (To the audience) I tried to tell the
teacher...

                          STU
The teacher didn’t see NOTHING.

                          SINCLAIR
OK OK, fine, if you say so.
                                                               33.


                          STU
I got into so much trouble. That’s why I was so angry. I
tore a hole in the school bus seat, and then I broke a branch
right off a tree. And then I broke it, again. I don’t know
how he knew, but Grandpa came looking for me, and he did his
thing, (lowering nose with Russell).

                            RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
“What’s wrong Stu?”

                          STU
(Holding back) I was telling everyone at school how you
showed me the planes and then John Apson called me Stupid
Stu, so I hit him. (Pause) But he was going to hit me back
so I kept hitting him.

                           RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
(Laughing)   “Like a monkey?”

                            STU
That’s not funny Grandpa.

                          RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
(Serious) “Well, neither is acting like a monkey! Only
Monkeys get into fights, and it’s usually over nothing more
than a banana.”

                          STU
And then he told us the Bad Banana Story. He brought Sam and
Sinclair in, and he turned us all into monkeys, swinging on
vines in a... OHHHH! Hey, guys, you wanna?! You can... and
they can... ohhhh, this is gonna be SO cool...


SCENE VII

                              Stu sets the stage; he is in a
                              pool of light.

                          STU
Long ago, back before there were, (points to things in the
Audience) chairs, or floors, or fancy purses from outer-
space, there was a jungle! In this jungle there lived two
clans of monkeys. You had the Moonkeys to the West, and the
Moankeys to the East. They each had their own way of doing
things, and were content with themselves.
                                                              34.


                             Sinclair plays the Moankey, and
                             Sam plays the Moonkey.

                          RUSSELL
One day, a Moonkey was in a banana tree next to a Moankey.
The Moankey looked over and saw a delicious ripe banana, but
the Moonkey grabbed it first.

                           SINCLAIR AS MOANKEY
(Deep voice)   “HEY, that’s my banana, Moonkey!”

                         SAM AS MOONKEY
(High voice) “Uh, nuh-uh. It’s my banana, I got it first,
(licks the banana) Moankey!”

                          STU
The Moankey swung back to his clan and cried out...

                          SINCLAIR AS MOANKEY
(Swinging over SL.) “The Moonkeys are taking all the food!
There won’t be any food left for anyone. They’re greedy, and
mean, and they look funny. We have to do something!”

                          ELIZABETH
Unbeknownst to them, a Moonkey was passing by, and heard the
cry for battle, and she quickly returned to her clan and
cried out, (Swings on vines to SR.)

                          SAM AS MOONKEY
“The Moankeys are calling us thieves, they think we eat too
much, and they said we’re funny looking... but they should
talk! We have to do something!”

                          STU
So the two clans geared up for battle. The Moankeys lined up
on one side of the Field, and the Moonkeys on the other. And
they began to chant.

                             Russell places a transparency
                             with the chant on the projector.
                             Stu divides the Audience into the
                             two clans. Stu, Sinclair and
                             Elizabeth teach the Moankeys (SL,
                             House Right) their chant.
                                                             35.


                           MOANKEYS
MOANKEYS ARE TOUGH!
MOANKEYS ARE STRONG!
WE’LL BEAT YOU UP!
BEFORE TOO LONG!

                               Stu, Sam and Russell teach the
                               Moonkeys, (SR, House Left) their
                               chant.

                           MOONKEYS
YOU   THINK SO!
BUT   YOU’RE WRONG!
THE   MOONKEYS ARE THE BEST!
YOU   DON’T BELONG!

                               Stu starts the Moankeys chanting
                               on top of the Moonkeys. The two
                               sides chant together.

                          STU
(To the Audience, just above the chanting.) Keep. Going.
Don’t. Stop. And they pulled out their dagger banana’s and
banana bayonets, and night-time vision banana’s and banana
jets swooped over-head with heat-seeking banana’s and the
tribe’s got closer and closer, and the generals were at the
front, and their swords were drawn, ready to strike... BUT
THEN! SHHHH!!! (Everyone helps silence the crowd). A fox ran
onto the field, and paralyzed the clans of Monkeys with his
hypnotic, woodland gaze!

                               Stu, as the fox, hypnotizes the
                               Audience, with his own adorable
                               woodland gaze. Sinclair, Russell,
                               Sam & Elizabeth freeze.

                          RUSSELL
With the whole battlefield in a trance, the fox approached
the generals and laid them down.

                               Stu, as the fox, x’s SR to Sam,
                               who is on the floor.

                          RUSSELL
The fox opened the Moonkey General’s mouth, stuck his muzzle
inside, and pulled out a medal.
                                                              36.


                            Stu x’s SL to Sinclair, who is on
                            the floor.

                          RUSSELL
He placed this medal on the chest of the Moankey General,
opened his mouth, stuck his muzzle inside, and pulled out
another medal.

                            Stu x’s SR to Sam who is also on
                            the floor.

                          RUSSELL
He placed this medal on the chest of the Moonkey General.

                            Stu trots into the Audience.    He
                            sits, observes, and waits.

                          ELIZABETH
The fox then trotted away. The armies of Moonkey’s and
Moankey’s shook off the hypnotic trance, and began to cough.
Every Moonkey and Moankey coughed up a medal, and placed it
on their chest.

                            Sam and Sinclair arise from their
                            trance, and observe their medals.

                            Stu takes the hand of a young
                            Audience-moonkey and a young
                            Audience-moankey up to the lip of
                            the stage to help demonstrate...

                          RUSSELL
They got ready for battle, but then each side looked at the
other side’s General, and saw that his medal, was the same as
theirs.

                          STU
And when they saw a part of themselves in their enemy, they
couldn’t fight anymore.

                            Stu brings their hands together,
                            and smiles. Then he guides back
                            to their seats.
                                                          37.


                          STU
They went back to the Jungle, and the Moonkey’s and the
Moankey’s became Monkeys again, for the first time.


SCENE VIII

                         SINCLAIR
It’s true.

                          SAM
You both get into a lot of trouble, you know.

                          STU
Sometimes it just happens!

                          SINCLAIR
It’s not easy being the new kids, and...

                          SAM, STU, & SINCLAIR
We’re always the new kids.

                            Sam and Stu go to the cassette
                            tape and each grabs the
                            headphones to listen to the
                            recording during the below. They
                            face upstage.

                          SINCLAIR
(To Audience) Grandpa is the best pilot instructor there is,
so he has to go to all the Air Force bases to teach, and Mom
and us would get to go with him. Before this, we lived in
Arlington, Panama City, Sumpter South Carolina, Tucson
Arizona, Montgomery Alabama, and San Antonio Texas, but I
don’t remember San Antonio very well. We’re in Wichita,
Kansas now. Mom says, ‘Home is where the heart is.’ She said
that before the first time we moved, she held out her hand,
and I thought it meant that she had found her heart and that
we weren’t going to move anymore after that. Now, every time
she tells us we’re moving again, she’ll say, “Sinclair, home
is where the heart is,” and she’ll hold out her hand.

                            Hearing the end of the recording,
                            Sam grabs Stu’s hand.
                                                                38.


                                Russell and Elizabeth, listening
                                to Sinclair from upstage, reach
                                for each other’s hand.

                          ELIZABETH
Sinclair, maybe what your mother really meant by that...

                          SINCLAIR
(Sees Sam & Stu listening to his cassette.)     Hey!   That’s
mine!

                              SAM
No it isn’t.    It’s Mom’s.

                              SINCLAIR
It’s mine, give it back!

                          STU
Besides, I let you play on my projector.

                              SINCLAIR
Give it back!

                              SAM
OK.

                          STU
Fine, but you can’t play on the projector now.

                              SINCLAIR
That’s not fair!

                          SAM
At least Stu didn’t steal the projector.

                          SINCLAIR
I didn’t steal the cassette. I found it.

                          STU
(To Audience) In our last move, in Arlington, at the school
we were in, they were throwing this projector out, and I had
never seen anything like it, and I asked the janitor,
“CanIhaveitpleasepleasepleasepleasewithsugarontopI Promise, I
promise, I promissssseeee!!!” and the Janitor said, “OK.”
                                                              39.


                         SAM
It’s great.

                         SINCLAIR
It’s true.

                          STU
We can draw pictures of all our friends, and see them on the
wall, and when we move, our friends can come with us.

                          SAM
Most of our friends are other military brats, and they know
what it’s like to move around. Hey, Grandpa, why did you
join the air force?

                          SINCLAIR
That’s not Grandpa, that’s Russell.

                         SAM
I know that.

                         SINCLAIR
OK.

                            While Sam and Russell talk, Stu
                            places a blank transparency on
                            the projector plate. Stu draws a
                            picture of someone in the
                            Audience. Sinclair tries to
                            help.

                          SAM
So, why did you join the Air Force?

                          RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
“I did it to learn what I was made of.”

                          SAM
What are you made of then?

                          RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
“Oh, Sam, that’s a figure of speech. Your actions under
pressure reveal your true character.”
                                                             40.


                          STU
Like when the fox ran right into the middle of the warring
monkeys?!

                          SINCLAIR
Grandpa smiled.

                          RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
“Actions speak louder than words. Some people will say one
thing, and do another, but you have to pay attention because
their words may deceive you.”

                          SAM
(Angry) OOH, like Roberta MacIntosh! OOH, OOH, she came to
school one day with a ribbon in her hair, and she told
everyone that it was her grandmother’s ribbon and how she
wore it every day during the war when her grandpa was away,
and that her grandmother gave it to her to wear now that her
Grandpa was gone. But Allison’s mom is friends with Roberta’s
mom, and she knew that Roberta’s grandpa was still alive and
told her so and Roberta yelled at Allison and made her cry,
and nobody believed her, but I saw, I saw, I saw Roberta and
her Grandpa at the VA grocery store. I. Couldn’t. Believe it.
And the next day I grabbed Allison’s hand, and we walked
right up to Roberta and called her a liar, and she never wore
that ribbon again. (Catches her breath)

                          RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
“Roberta was definitely hiding some gunk.”

                          STU
What’s gunk Grandpa?

                          RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
“Gunk is the bad stuff that you don’t want anyone to see. It
can be things you’re afraid of, or ashamed of. Sometimes,
it’s simply just the place you find yourself in.”

                           SAM
Eww.   How do you make the gunk go away?

                          RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
“It’s different for everyone. But in Gunkerville, they found
the secret by accident.”
                                                              41.


                         STU
Oh yeah!

                         SINCLAIR
Here, put this away.


SCENE IX

                            Sinclair & Stu place the picture
                            they’ve drawn in a box. They
                            place a transparency with a
                            house, a building, and a store on
                            the projector plate.

                          SAM
(To Audience, smiling) Gunkerville was a small town that had
a lot of Gunk. The mayor was very crooked, and always
promised to rid of the gunk, but never did. His power came
from the gunk, because as long as it was around, people would
do what he told them to do.

                          RUSSELL
Katherine, with a ‘K,’ was an ordinary woman who loved
chocolate. One day, she was making a batch of chocolate
fudge, when by accident the spoon she was using fell into a
big pile of gunk on the floor.

                          SAM AS KATHERINE
(A Southern Midwest Housewife) “Oh my what’s this?
Something is happening to the Gunk!”

                          ELIZABETH
She bent over to get a closer look when a bubble of gas
popped in her face. (Sinclair and Stu make fart noises)

                         SAM
OK, that’s enough!

                          RUSSELL
It didn’t smell like anything, but Katherine began to laugh
uncontrollably. (Sam is tickled and laughs wildly) When she
came to, she noticed that the pile of gunk had disappeared
completely! She ran back to the kitchen and quadrupled the
recipe of chocolate fudge she was making.
                                                              42.


                          ELIZABETH
The Mayor had called a town meeting and Katherine wanted
everyone to know that the end of Gunk was near! When the
fudge was ready, she headed off to city hall. The Mayor took
to the Stage.

                            Russell stands behind the table
                            and uses the projector arm as a
                            microphone.

                          RUSSELL AS MAYOR
(Stentorian, with a Nixonian drawl) “Uh, hello, is this thing
on? OK. Citizens of Gunkerville, it is with a heavy heart
that I must inform you that the city’s gunk levels have again
increased, shown here by this chart. Now, while the gunk may
seem overpowering, we’ll be able to succeed, if we all pull
together. To that effect, we’ll be raising taxes once
again...”

                          SAM AS KATHERINE
“Your Mayor, Your Mayor sir! That won’t be necessary!
I’ve discovered a secret, behold!”

                          SINCLAIR
And she held out a platter of gunk and gave it to the
Police Chief to hold.

                            Sam hands the platter to Stu.

                          SAM AS KATHERINE
“When I drop this piece of chocolate fudge it will make all
this gunk disappear completely!”

                          ELIZABETH
And that’s exactly what she did. The Police Chief watched in
awe as a bubble of gas popped in his face. (Sinclair supplies
the fart noise.) Though it didn’t smell like anything, the
Police Chief began to laugh uncontrollably.

                            STU is tickled and laughs with
                            abandon.

                         STU
OK! OK! OK!
                                                              43.


                          SINCLAIR
The city was amazed to see the gunk disappear, they couldn’t
believe their eyes!

                          RUSSELL AS MAYOR
“That’s very clever. Very clever indeed.”

                          SAM AS KATHERINE
“Thank you Mr. Mayor, I only just discovered it while I
was...”

                            RUSSELL AS MAYOR
“Quiet you. I’m   not impressed. Gunkerville needs tax
exemptions, not   chocolate confections. If we started using
fudge to battle   the Gunk, there would be no more Gunk and if
there’s no more   Gunk, then everyone would be out of a job! It
would spell the   end of Gunkerville.”

                          SAM AS KATHERINE
“But your Mayor sir, when the citizens of Gunkerville elected
you, you vowed to get rid of the Gunk, that you would work
‘tirelessly and tenaciously to finally rid the city of
Gunk!’”

                          RUSSELL AS MAYOR
“You’re right young lady, we will work tirelessly and
tenaciously to finally rid the city of gunk. But we can’t do
that if all of the Gunk is gone.”

                          SAM AS KATHERINE
“But that makes no sense.”

                           RUSSELL AS MAYOR
“You make no sense!”

                           SAM AS KATHERINE
“I just said that!!!”

                           RUSSELL AS MAYOR
“You’re right!!!”

                          SAM AS KATHERINE
“But, we should work to get rid of the gunk, not ensure its
ever-presence.”
                                                              44.


                          RUSSELL AS MAYOR
“What makes no Sense young lady is Chocolate fudge! You saw
how the gas caused the Police Chief to laugh uncontrollably.
This chocolate fudge is dangerous to the safety of the
citizens!”

                           STU, SINCLAIR, & ELIZABETH
“Yeah!”

                           SAM AS KATHERINE
“NO!”

                          RUSSELL AS MAYOR
“YES! And as Mayor I hereby ban all fudge from the town of
Gunkerville.”

                           STU, SINCLAIR, & ELIZABETH
“Yay!”

                           SAM AS KATHERINE
“NO!”

                          RUSSELL AS MAYOR
“YES! And I hereby raise the taxes, and impose a tariff on
all other baked goods as well.”

                           STU, SINCLAIR, & ELIZABETH
“Hoora(y!)    Wait.”

                           ALL EXCEPT RUSSELL
“NO!!!”

                            RUSSELL AS MAYOR
“YES!    Now give that to me!”

                          ELIZABETH
The mayor grabbed Katherine’s tupper-ware and popped a square
of chocolate fudge in his mouth.

                         SAM AS KATHERINE
“You can’t do that! You can’t! (To Stu) You saw it!     You
saw it! Chocolate fudge gets ride of the gunk!”

                          STU AS POLICE CHIEF
(Irish accent) “Listen, the mayor is right, we need the gunk
if we want to keep our jobs.”
                                                              45.


                          SAM AS KATHERINE
“How can you embrace the thing that oppresses you?!!!”

                            STU AS POLICE CHIEF
“What’s that?”

                            SAM AS KATHERINE
“Nothing, never mind.”

                            STU AS POLICE CHIEF
“What is that?”

                          SAM AS KATHERINE
“Well I was just saying that by not effectively getting rid
of the gunk, you are only contributing to your own
suffering.”

                             STU AS POLICE CHIEF
“NO, that!    There!   Something’s happening to the mayor!”

                               During the below, STU and
                               Sinclair make fart noises for the
                               Mayor. It starts very softly,
                               then builds and becomes a
                               competition of who can make the
                               loudest, nastiest sounding fart
                               noise. Elizabeth contributes by
                               tickling Russell.

                          RUSSELL AS MAYOR
Citizens of Gunkerville, do not be fooled. (Burp/fart,
giggle.) That fudge is dangerous, (burp/fart, chuckle), it
lets out a poisonous gas, (burp/fart, laugh), and causes you
to laugh uncontrollably, (burp/fart, laughing, crouching)
this is very serious! (Burp/fart, Laugh), it’s not a joking
matter, ‘Braaap’ (Crumbling to the floor). Help me, ‘BRURP!’
AHAHAHAAAAAaaaa.....

                           STU AS POLICE CHIEF
“Katherine!   What’s happening to the Mayor?”

                          SAM AS KATHERINE
“I don’t know! It was ordinary fudge, the only time I’ve
seen it do that is with, Gunk.”
                                                           46.


                          SINCLAIR
The crowd watched in astonishment as the mayor dissolved in a
laughing, burping, fit of rage, until there was no more.

                          STU AS POLICE CHIEF
“The Mayor must have been made of Gunk!”

                          SAM
The fudge was passed around and soon the whole town was
completely free of the Gunk, and the whole town cheered!
(Incites the Audience to cheer.)

                          STU
They cheered again! (Again, louder.)

                          SINCLAIR
They cheered... softly! (Audience cheers softly.)


SCENE X

                          SAM
But, what happened to the workers in Gunkerville, aren’t they
out of a job now?

                          RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
“Oh, well, now that they had clean streets, some went to work
at the Department of Sanitation, and, some worked for the
board of Tourism, and Public Education, and they got a City
Counsel...”

                         SAM
Then who became Mayor?

                         RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
“Who do you think”

                         STU
The Police Chief?

                         SINCLAIR
Katherine, Duh!

                          SAM
I bet she’s make a great mayor.
                                                               47.


                          SINCLAIR
WAIT! If the mayor was afraid of the fudge because he knew
he was made of Gunk, why would he eat the fudge if he knew it
would destroy him in a laughing, burping, fit of rage?

                          RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
(Stumped, then knows.) “The mayor knew he had gunk to hide,
but he didn’t know he was made of gunk.”

                         SINCLAIR
Oh!

                         SAM
(Still confused)   Oh.

                         STU
Huh...?

                          SINCLAIR
Grandpa, I don’t know what I’m made of!

                         RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
“You will, Sinclair.”

                          SINCLAIR
Does Mom know what she’s made of?

                          RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
“I’m pretty sure she does.”

                          SINCLAIR
Is that why, why Mom stopped singing?

                         SAM
Sinclair.

                          RUSSELL AS GRANDPA
“I don’t know, you’ll have to ask the silent girl.”   (Looks
to Elizabeth)


SCENE XI

                            Elizabeth sits down in a chair.
                            The others gather on the floor
                            around her.
                                                              48.


                          ELIZABETH
Once upon a time, there was a very special girl who had the
gift of prophecy. That means you could tell someone their
future. She lived at the top of a great hill, and people
would travel many miles and climb the hill to have their
fortunes told. When she gave you your fortune, she would
sing, and the song would float down the hill and echo through
the woods. One day, a traveler climbed the hill. He was on
a journey to the ocean, and wanted to know how soon he would
make it. When she saw the traveler, she fell immediately in
love with him. He asked for his fortune, but all she saw was
death in his future. She couldn’t bear to sing him his
prophecy, yet he insisted. Because she truly loved him, she
sang for him. The song floated down the hill and the woods
wept upon hearing such a sad fortune. Upon hearing his
future, the traveler became very angry and scorned her. He
called her all sorts of names and said she was a fraud, she
was mad, and only wanted him to stay out of selfishness. Her
heart was breaking as he said these things to her. He began
to leave, and she couldn’t stand to see him go, she called
out to him, “Don’t go!” The traveler turned around when his
foot got caught in a branch. He tripped and fell down to the
bottom of the hill, where he hit his head on a stone. The
girl ran after him, and she too tripped and fell. But like
her songs, she floated all the way down, and where the
traveler hit his head on a stone, her head landed on a patch
of soft moss. She saw her love lying next to her. He was no
more. She was stunned to see her prophecy fulfilled. The
pain of knowing her love had caused him to fall was too much,
and she never sang, or spoke, again.

                            Catching on, Sinclair turns DS.

                          SINCLAIR
Grandpa, where did she go?

                          SAM
That’s not Grandpa, that’s Russell.

                         SINCLAIR
Shhh.

                          RUSSELL
(No longer Grandpa) Some say she went to the ocean. Some
say she hides in the woods and tries to befriend travelers.
                                                             49.


                          SINCLAIR
Grandpa, was my dad a traveler? Grandpa?   (Beat)


SCENE XII

                         SAM
Sinclair.

                         SINCLAIR
You’re not Grandpa.

                         STU
Sinclair.

                          SINCLAIR
You’re not Grandpa either!

                          SAM
We know. We know. You just, you can’t think Russell is
Grandpa, Russell is imaginary.

                          SINCLAIR
No Sam, Dad is imaginary, Russell is more real than he is.

                         STU
Dad wasn’t imaginary.

                         SINCLAIR
What do you know!?

                         STU
I remember dad.

                         SAM
You do?

                         STU
Not much. I remember him picking me up.    In his uniform, the
badges hurt my stomach.

                          SINCLAIR
What about them? (The audience) They’re just as real as
Russell and they’ll never know Grandpa, and we’ll never know
Dad...does that make me imaginary too? FINE, you can have
Dad! You both can have Dad, and Grandpa and Mom’s songs...
                                                              50.


                           SAM
You have Grandpa, too.   You were his favorite.

                           SINCLAIR
I had Grandpa.   Now he’s...

                          STU
We still have his stories.

                          SAM
And Mom’s here too.

                          SINCLAIR
IT’S NOT THE SAME NOW. Mom, when we were at the funeral,
standing by the car, you didn’t see it. I was standing next
to Mom, we weren’t talking, we just stood there, I was so
afraid. And then, Mom held out her hand. (Pause) How could
she? How could she want to leave already!?

                          SAM
Sinclair...

                          SINCLAIR
I’m tired of moving around, why can’t we just stay in one
place?

                          SAM
Mom didn’t...

                          SINCLAIR
No Sam, she only does that when she wants to leave.

                          STU
I think Mom just wanted...(to hold your hand.)

                          SINCLAIR
No, she wanted to leave. Mom stopped singing because of me,
because after I was born, Dad disappeared.

                          STU
Dad didn’t disappear, he’s...

                          SAM
Dad went to heaven, Sinclair.
                                                              51.


                          SINCLAIR
Sure, right, that’s where Grandpa went too, but they’re not
coming back, are they!?

                            SAM
No.

                          SINCLAIR
It’s not fair! It’s not fair, first dad left, then Grandpa,
and now Mom wants to leave too.

                            STU
Mom’s not going to leave.

                            SINCLAIR
You don’t know!

                          SAM
I know you’re sad that Grandpa died.

                          SINCLAIR
Don’t say that! He didn’t die. He, you don’t know this,
this is mine. This is all mine. When mom held out her hand
I ran, I ran, I ran to Grandpa’s stone. I went up to his
stone, “‘Knock knock knock,’ Flowers sir, for the special
someone.” I, I, I put my hands to the stone, and I said, “Hi
Grandpa, it’s me, Sinclair. I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!” And
then, I put my ear to the stone. And he told me one more
story. It’s mine, and it’s true. (Beat) It’s the first time
I understood someone who wasn’t saying anything.

                              Silence.

                          ELIZABETH
Can you tell us the story, Sinclair?

                              Sinclair goes to the projector.

                            SINCLAIR
(To Stu) Can I?

                            STU
OK.   Fine.
                                                            52.


SCENE XIII

                             Sinclair gathers the bird puppets
                             to illustrate the below,
                             mirroring the beginning of the
                             show.

                          SINCLAIR
This is the tale of two birds. One day a new bird met an old
bird. The old bird taught the new bird how to hop, preen, and
dig for worms. They became the best of friends. Then one day,
the old bird said,

                          PROJECTOR TEXT
Let’s fly.
I don’t know.
Trust me.
OK.

                             The birds fly above the
                             projector. Sinclair wipes away
                             the text.

                             He pulls across the transparency
                             of two birds with contrails, then
                             pulls the music notes across.

                             Sinclair removes the two
                             transparencies. The birds land
                             back on the projector. He writes.

                           PROJECTOR TEXT
That was so much fun!   Let’s fly every day!

                             Sinclair wipes away the text
                             above and then writes.

                          PROJECTOR TEXT
I have to leave you, I won’t be back.
NO.
Trust me.

                             The two birds nuzzle.   Then the
                             old bird flies away.
                                                              53.


                           The new bird hops to the
                           projector plate, its silhouette
                           looks at the words, “trust me.”
                           Then the new bird flies away.

                         SINCLAIR
(To no one) Where are the stories going to come from?

                           Sam joins Sinclair next to the
                           projector. Stu follows. They build
                           the next story together using
                           transparencies of the images they
                           describe. Russell and Elizabeth
                           watch from the side.


SCENE XIV

          SAM
Once upon a time...
                                 Sam lays down an image of the
          STU                    Wailing Boy on the projector
There was a very special boy.    plate.

          SINCLAIR
If there was something you
felt you couldn’t say,
because you were ashamed, or
afraid, he could help you.

          SAM
If you grabbed a hold of him,    Sam places a finger to the
he could read your feelings      wailing boy image.
and he would say what you
could not say yourself.

          STU
Because of this, he cried all
the time, and that’s how he      Sinclair lays an image of a
got the nickname, the Wailing    queen and king on either side
Boy. But then, one day, a        of the Wailing Boy.
Queen summoned him.
                                                              54.


          SAM
She felt she had no way of
expressing her love to the
King, who was more engaged in
waging wars than taking care
of her kingdom.

          SINCLAIR
The boy was frightened and he   Sinclair removes the Queen
ran away.                       and King. Stu places an
                                image of the Silent Girl next
          STU                   to the Wailing Boy.
In the woods he met a girl.
He asked her...

          SINCLAIR
“Are you lost, too?”

          ELIZABETH
The Silent Girl nodded, and
she held out her hand.

          SINCLAIR
“Well, you shouldn’t run
away! You should go back
home! And stay in one
place!” And the wailing boy     Sinclair removes the Silent
ran himself back to the         Girl’s image.
palace.

          SAM
The Queen grabbed the boy who   Sam replaces the King and
began to convulse and confess   Queen on either side of the
his love to the King. The       Wailing Boy.
King was paralyzed from
hearing his Queen’s true
love, and he too grabbed the
boy who confessed his love to
the Queen. The royal couple     Sam floats the King and Queen
embraced!                       off the plate.
                                                             55.


        STU
But then, everyone in town      Stu rests an image of hands
grabbed the boy at the same     reaching from all directions
time and let out their          over the Wailing Boy. On each
deepest feelings. It was too    hand is a simple cry, “I’m
much for the wailing boy, he    sad!” “I wish I was loved!”
was soaked to the bone from     “I’m lonely!” “Me too!” “I’m
all the crying, and salty       afraid!”
puddles collected at his
feet.                           Sam draws a semi-circle at
                                the wailing boy’s feet for
        SINCLAIR                the salty-puddle.
And then, the queen let out a
piercing scream! Her foot was
turning to stone, and the
rest of her was on its way.
The king’s foot too began to
petrify, and he embraced his
queen again, comprehending
their sad fate.
                                Stu removes the Wailing Boy
        STU                     and the reaching hands. Sam
Everyone in town began to run   lays down an overhead view of
away, but no one got very       the wailing boy.
far. One by one, everyone who
grabbed the wailing boy         Sinclair marks dots in a
turned slowly into stone.       circle around the Wailing
                                boy, marking the spots where
        SAM                     people stop running.
The boy continued to drown in
his own tears, and his feet
began to liquefy. The puddles   Sam draws a gradually growing
grew and grew and grew and      spiral around the wailing
the wailing boy dissolved       boy, ending at the petrified
into a saltwater lake,          dots.
surrounded by the stone
statues of the townsfolk.

        STU
And protected by sharks.

                                Sam removes the images.
                                                             56.


        SINCLAIR                Sinclair lays down the image
At the bottom of the lake       of a small, loosely
rests the tiny heart of the     anatomical, heart.
wailing boy, which is all
that remained. The tiny heart   Sam rests a view of the
continues to beat slowly, and   lake’s shore above the heart:
the beating creates tiny        a few stone statues and a
waves at the edge of the        tree are in the distance.
lake, which lap at the toes
of the stone statues, and       Stu swims a shark fin onto
slowly, erodes them into        the projector.
sand.


                           In the background, music fades in.
                           It is the full jazz version of the
                           lullaby “Everything You Want to
                           Know,” with a piano, bass, and
                           drums rounding out their mother’s
                           voice.


SCENE XV

                           Scene XV begins on following page.
                           The left column contains the
                           lyrics to the song. The center
                           column contains the spoken text.
                           The right column has stage
                           directions and describes the video
                           animation.

                           The page orientation rotates 90
                           degrees to allow for the 3
                           columns.
“Everything You Want to                                  The three children
Know”                                                    contemplate their new story
                                                         as the first verse plays
SOME SAY IT’S IN                                         quietly in the background.
THE HAND YOU’RE DEALT,
SOME SAY IT’S IN
THE CARDS YOU PLAY,

SOME SAY IT’S WRITTEN
IN THE LINES,
‘CROSS YOUR PALM,                    SINCLAIR
OR IN THE SANDS OF TIME.   But, wait. She needed him.    Sinclair steps downstage.
                           If the Wailing Boy helped
SOME PEOPLE LOOK           people say what they could
FOR IT AT DAY,             not say themselves, then,
SOME LOOK AT NIGHT         we’ll never know what the
AND OTHERS PRAY,           Silent Girl was thinking.
                           She needed him in the
SOME SEEK IT OUT           woods, she held out her
INSIDE A SMILE,            hand because, he was the
SOME STOP THE SEARCH       only person who could help
AFTER A WHILE.             her. I wonder what would
                           have happened if the Silent
EVERYTHING                 Girl and the Wailing Boy
YOU WANT TO KNOW,          held hands. I wonder what
EVERYTHING                 she would say, or, how he
YOU WANT TO KNOW,          would feel.
EVERYTHING
YOU WANT TO KNOW.




                                                                                     57
(INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE)             STU
                        (Sniffs, sniffs again)
                        What’s that? Do you smell
                        that?

                                  SAM
                        It smells like cookies.

                                  SINCLAIR
                        Did mom bake cookies?
                        Really? Mom!? Did, did       Sinclair opens the attic
                        you bake…? (Big sniff)       door

                                  STU
                        They smell great!

                                  SINCLAIR
(MUSIC SWELLS)          We’ll be down in a minute!
                        We’re almost done! (To the
                        Audience.) That’s not how    Sinclair dashes to the
                        the story ends!              projector, and eagerly
                                                     manipulates the images with
                                                     Sam & Stu. At this point,
                                                     it begins projecting an
                                                     video animation.

                                                     It’s as though the Audience
                                                     sees their imagination
                                                     projected on the bed sheet.




                                                                                58
                                                     The animation starts off
                                                     very staccato, and
                                                     gradually becomes smooth,
                                                     gains color, and by the
SOMETIMES IT’S HARD                                  end, becomes real video
TO UNDERSTAND,                                       footage.
WHAT’S WRONG AND                 SINCLAIR
WHAT IS RIGHT.         She was hiding behind the     The Silent Girl emerges
                       tree!                         from behind the tree at the
                                                     lake. She puts her toes in
REACH FOR ME                                         the water.
I’LL TAKE YOUR HAND,
AND GUIDE YOU
THROUGH THE NIGHT.                                   The new bird zooms across
                                 STU                 and flies past two monkeys
                       And the monkeys, learned to   with one banana.
FOR NOW I'M HERE       share.                        A monkey breaks the banana
I'M BY YOUR SIDE,                                    in half and gives a piece
BUT SOMEDAY                                          to the other.
I'LL BE GONE,


YOU NEED NOT FEAR                                    The new bird flies through
I’LL BE RIGHT HERE,                                  a patch of stinky flowers.
RIGHT HERE,                                          A mean giant flower chomps
IN THIS SONG.                                        down on a small innocent
                                 SINCLAIR            flower. The giant flower
                       And the evil King’s stinky    petals then crumble to the
                       flower, died.                 ground, the small flower
                                                     emits wavy, stinky lines.




                                                                                 59
                                                        The new bird perches on a
                                                        billboard that says,
                                                        “Welcome to Gunkerville!”
AND EVERYTHING                                          The ‘Gun’ letters fall. A
YOU WANT TO KNOW,                                       department of sanitation
                                    SAM                 truck cleans it up. It now
                          They kept the K, for Kathy,   says, “Welcome to Kerville,
EVERYTHING                who is Mayor!                 Kathy is Mayor!
YOU WANT TO KNOW.



                                                        Another bird perches on the
(BRIDGE TO LAST VERSE.)                                 billboard next to the new
                                                        bird. They glance at each
                                    SINCLAIR            other, then the 2nd bird
                          And the lonely bird, found    bird flies up to a flock of
                          other birds to fly and sing   birds in the sky above.
                          with.                         The new bird flies up to
                                                        join them.




                                                        The flock flies past the
                                    STU                 lake. The silent girl
                          The sharks did not harm       swims to the center of the
                          her.                          lake, and begins to sink.




                                                                                 60
IN EVERY                                            Looking up from the bottom
HAPPILY EVER AFTER,                                 of the lake, a silhouette
LOVE LASTS,                                         of the silent girl in a
AND IT WILL GROW.                                   dress slowly descends; her
                                                    hair swirling about her.
SO LOVE IS THE THING,                               Rays of light dart and
THAT WILL ANSWER,                                   dapple through the blue.

EVERYTHING,                                         The shadow of a shark swims
YOU WANT TO KNOW,                                   past, wiping the image into
                                                    darkness. The tail-fin
EVERYTHING,                                         passes, revealing a white
YOU WANT TO KNOW,                                   background.

EVERYTHING,
YOU WANT TO KNOW.
                                                    The animation/video ends,
                                                    and the over-head projector
                                                    takes over again.

                                                    Sinclair places the
                                                    original transparency of
                                                    the wailing boy’s heart on
                                                    the projector plate.

                        (Continued on next page.)




                                                                             61
                                                         Sinclair takes hold of the
                                                         image of the silent girl,
                                                         and gently floats her down,
                                                         resting finally upon the
BUT EVERYTHING,                                          heart.
YOU WANT TO KNOW,

YOU,                                 SINCLAIR            The last line is spoken in
ALREADY… (*Pause*)         And his heart, became hers.   the *pause* of the music.

(Music fades to ending.)                                 The song slowly fades as
                                                         Sinclair, Sam, and Stu wave
                                                         goodbye to the Audience and
                                                         exit. Sinclair runs back
                                                         in to give Russell and
                                                         Elizabeth a quick hug, then
                                                         exits.

                                                         Russell and Elizabeth cross
                                                         to the projector. Facing
                                                         upstage to look at the
                                                         final image of the silent
                                                         girl holding the wailing
                                                         boy’s heart, they hold
                                                         hands, and turn off the
                                                         light.


                                  END OF PLAY.




                                                                                  62

				
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