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									NEWS OF OLD WILSONIANS

         MAY 2010




OLD WILSONIANS’ ASSOCIATION
       (FOUNDED 1904)
                           NEWS OF OLD WILSONIANS
                                  MAY 2010
 PRESIDENT                          ALEX FORBES                         Phone 07855 273218
                                    Alexforbes46@hotmail.co.uk
                                    28 Park Hill, Carshalton, Surrey, SM5 3RU

 CLUB CAPTAIN                       GRAHAM WATTS
                                    grawat@ntlworld.com
                                    4 Beechmount Close, Bromley Hill, BR1 4NJ

 REGISTRAR                          MIKE PIKE                      Phone 020 8659 6443
                                    owmikepike@yahoo.co.uk
                                    68A Knighton Park Road, Sydenham, SE26 5RL

 HON SECRETARY                      ANDY SMITH                          Phone 020 8643 7157
                                    andysmith@landg.com
                                    41 East Drive, Carlshalton, Surrey, SM5 4PA

 HON TREASURER                      NICK MOLE                        Phone 020 8669 0603 (H)
                                    N_Mole@fairalls.co.uk                   01883 731102 (W)
                                    2 Clarence Road, Wallington ton, Surrey, SM6 0EY

 SPORTS CLUB SECRETARY              JASPER GUNDRY-WHITE              Phone 07789 934867
                                    jaspergw@ntlworld.com
                                    74 Freelands Road, Bromley, BR1 3MY

 JOINT CLUB & GROUND MANAGERS       NEIL KENDRICK                  Phone 020 8654 5899
                                    Neil.kendrick3@btinternet.com  Mobile: 07961 412839
                                    9 Addiscombe Court Road, Croydon, Surrey, CR0 6TT

                                    MICK PILGRIM                   Phone 020 8402 0002
                                    Mjpil53@live.co.uk
                                    36 Hayes Mead Road, Hayes, BR2 7HR

BAR MANAGEMENT TEAM                GERRY ADAMS, JOHN DRABWELL
                                   IAN PILGRIM                Phone 020 8462 2600
                                    Hayes Hill, Bromley, Kent

 SUPER DRAW & 200 CLUBS             PETER WAKEFORD                      Phone 020 8777 3879
                                    17 Sarjeant Court, Ben Curtis Park,
                                    West Wickham, Kent, BR4 9QE

 SCHOOL ADDRESS                     Headmaster’s Office
                                    Wilson’s School, Mollison Drive, Wallington,
                                    Surrey, SM6 9JW

 OLD WILSONIAN’S LODGE              Secretary, JOHN WALLINGTON Phone 01322 348966
                                    www.oldwilsonianslodge.com
                                    55 Wessex Drive, Barnehurst,
                                                                 Kent DA8 3AE

 HON. EDITOR                        MALCOLM TAYLOR                  Phone 020 8402 8507
                                    valtaylor54@yahoo.co.uk
                                    New Belmont, 1 Oaklands Road, Bromley, BR1 3SJ

 OLD WILSONIAN'S WEBSITE            www.oldwilsonians.com
                                       EDITORIAL
The main news item for this edition is the new website for the OWA which has been developed
over the past few months under the guidance of Jim Lloyd. This will become the main forum
for communication with the OWA. Anyone wishing to be added to the mailing list for the
published copy must let Malcolm Taylor know. We have also just had another very successful
clubforce weekend with over 100 OWs, friends and families giving up their time to do any
number of jobs around the clubhouse and ground.

It has been a busy time with the completion of the new railings at the entrance to ground to
match the security gates installed last year. We are also pressing on with the replacement of the
main clubhouse windows with a series of sliding folding doors which will open up the balcony
in the summer months. Phase 1 of this venture has been entirely self-funding through the
fundraising efforts of Andy Steele, Bill Sloan and the rest of the Balcony Team. These sliding
doors should be installed in June with Phase 2 to extend the balcony and make it more
accessible for disabled access planned for later in the year. Plans are also being drawn up by
architects for redevelopment of the shower area together with a replacement boiler which will
cost around £30k and a possible extension of the south end of the clubhouse.

All this is an indication of the strength of the Association’s finances due mainly to the continued
strong profits from the bar management team. Our new President, Alex Forbes is developing a
5 year plan for the Association and is consulting the whole club on proposals for improving the
facilities.

On the down side our planning application for the crickets nets on the new land acquired from
Ex-Blues was deferred by the planning officer in April for further options to be considered
which include the siting of the cricket nets and the children’s playground equipment. We hope
to return to the planning committee at Bromley for a decision in June. .

We look forward to a successful cricket season with 5 teams in the Kent league and two Sunday
sides. More news on all these items in this issue.

      LAUNCH OF THE OLD WILSONIANS’ NEW WEBSITE
I'm very excited to announce that we are now ready to launch the new Old Wilsonians’ website
which I hope you will find informative and fun. I encourage you to visit the site now and as
often as you can, as we will be regularly posting lots of articles, events, fixtures, pictures and
video for your enjoyment.

We need everyone's participation to ensure this a useful tool to assist our already vibrant
community. This will be our window and showcase to the world and to future members and
guests, so I invite you to send me reports, announcements, events, pictures and anything else
within reason - we have a fantastic club of which we should be rightly proud, so we should
show it off by giving it a bigger voice.

Please let me have any ideas and suggestions about how you think the site could be improved,
what you like, what you don't like, and please let me know if you spot any bugs, typos or
inappropriate content. It is your site so let me know what you want to see on there.
Just for clarity, your regular publications such as NOW and OWFC & OWCC Newsletters will
continue to be edited and published by Malcolm Taylor and Pikey respectively. Although the
website will also carry this content, please submit your contributions to these publications in the
normal way.

When you visit the new site, you will see that each section of the club has its own area and
navigation in addition to a generic OW section. I will continue to manage and publish the site
generally, but in time I will hand over much of the publishing duties to the subsidiary sections of
the club.

Some features of the new site include:-

       Articles and reports
       Comments (it's up to you to post your own comments on the site, but please try to make
        sure they are appropriate and remember that there will be under 18s also using the site).
       Picture galleries
       YouTube videos
       Newsletter archive
       Player Stats
       Contact info
       Upcoming events
       Clubhouse booking info and directions
       OWFC - results, fixtures, team pages, match reports, newsletters
       OW Tennis
       OW Squash & Racketball

Coming soon:-

       OWCC section - the current OWCC site will continue as is but we will shortly be
        working on moving that over to the new site (in the meantime the OWCC link on the
        new site will redirect)
       OWAGS (Golf)
       OW
       OW Jobs
       OW Trades and Services
       Team Selection tools
       Membership database and online payment mechanism
       Forums/discussions
       OW Finder

Plus ..... much, much more!

Please have a browse of the new site and keep the ideas and suggestions coming to me at
owanews@oldwilsonians.com

I hope you all enjoy your new oldwilsonians.com
                                                                                        Jim Lloyd
                NATWEST CLUBFORCE WEEKEND 2010
POST WEEKEND ASSESSMENT

From the President

Thanks to everyone who has in any way helped out over NatWest weekend. Your time, efforts
and enthusiasm have made our Club a much better place. The highlight for me happened on
Saturday morning when I was told to wander around and take pictures of people working
(excellent I thought keeps me away from mixing cement or clearing the drains!) As I wandered
around it was great to see different subsidiary club members working as one, laughing and
joking. The Club was alive and bustling and that in my eyes is what we are about! Thanks to
Paul Jenkins and Ian Forbes for planning and running this weekend and thanks to all the
volunteers for making the difference.
                                                                                 Alex Forbes

From the Architect & Engineer

From Paul and my perspective the months of preparation were worthwhile, although there were
times when we felt like tearing our hair out in the lead up to the weekend. I think it’s a
traditional Club thing when members say no I didn’t tell anyone but you know I always turn up.
I am sure you always do but it helps us in planning jobs to know numbers – still that grump
disappears when we evaluate what work was completed and the number of volunteers who
turned up and got stuck in!

Over the three days we had 106 volunteers who between them racked up 142 working days –
there are several individuals who appeared on all three days! There is a breakdown by Club of
all the volunteers and the days that they attended attached and if by chance we have missed
anyone please let me know and I will add you to the volunteer’s roll of honour. The volunteers
wielded paint brushes, rollers, screwdrivers, hammers, garden hoe’s, ladles and knives. The
Ladies did a great job on the gardens using their skills and quantities of bark to help keep up the
remarkably high quality of plants and shrubs we have round the ground. I also thought that
Gareth Evans showed above the required stamina in thrusting his arm down the drains –
particularly as I saw what he brought out! It’s this sort of dedication that makes the difference.
Another highlight for me was when Ian Pilgrim decided to dismantle the broken Ice maker and
we became engulfed in water- this was just as Jenks had finished varnishing the club floor for
the second time! And hearing Clive Peckover use old Anglo-Saxon swear words when he put
his foot in a bucket of water! These are the sort of thing that keeps me going at the ripe old age
of 70.

As to the purpose of the weekend we managed to complete 64 jobs both big and small. Major
jobs were the buying and painting of the new 20 foot container, Painting the wall and parapet
outside the clubhouse, repairing the glass washer and installing a new sink. Varnishing the
clubhouse floor, painting the squash dressing room, painting the showers and football dressing
rooms are just some of the jobs we completed with your help. A complete list of the jobs is
attached and if I have missed any let me know so that I can add it to our list. Paul has estimated
that the work we have done would have cost at least £15,000 as against our outlay of £5,000 –
well done everyone!
To echo our President’s words it was a great weekend, done in the right spirit and we have a
brilliant end result to prove it! Next year is a little earlier April 8 – 10 so make a note of this in
your diary and resolve to bring someone along with you who has not participated before.

Finally, what about individual clubs making their own mini Natwest weekend and each team
agreeing to paint, clear, build something which helps their Club outside of the main weekend?

Ian Forbes & Paul Jenkins


THE FOLLOWING (64) JOBS WERE COMPLETED

The Bar

1.Repaired glass washer and installed new sink
2. Cleared back storeroom and dumped unnecessary icemakers and old dishwashers
3. Installed new photocopying machine in back storeroom
4. Built clearing equipment holder
5. Audited all crockery and cutlery and moved from back storeroom to outside storeroom
6. Put batten on weakened shelf
7. Cleared outside storeroom and re-cemented the floor
8. Moved loam currently stored in outside store to Grounds-man’s container
9.Painted store green
10. Re-tiled area in back storeroom where broken

The Clubhouse

11.Varnished main Clubhouse floor
12. Painted skirting boards
13. Replaced bulbs in darts area
14. Repaired tiles in Men’s toilets
15. Varnished five benches and cleaned plaques
16. Re-fitted handrail on main steps
17. Bolted down standing ash trays
18. Painted parapet and wall of Clubhouse
19. Built new bag holder outside main club door
20. Fixed door jam in President’s Lounge
21. Bryan Watts tidied up main display areas in terms of photographs and filed old NOW’s

The Dressing Rooms

22.Painted main upstairs dressing room – both walls and floor
23. Disposed of old carpet
24. Rubbed down and painted shower area
25. Erected Directional Board outside Squash courts and numbered dressing rooms accordingly
26. Fixed OWA roundel above door in Squash courts
27. Moved all wood required for making new benches to 1st floor
28. Painted downstairs dressing room floors
Squash Courts

29. Cleaned out courts
30. Touched up paint in courts where necessary
31.Painted Squash and Referee’s changing room
32. PCV’d glass area
33. Re-pointed outside gallery
34. Secured handrail in Squash courts

Tennis

35.Repaired perimeter fence
36.Installed Perspex in hut
37.Installed new lights in hut
38.Put in new support beams in hut
39.Felted part of hut roof
40.Heightened ball-stop fence
41.Teak oiled ceiling of hut
42.Cleared area beside pathway to courts and painted with fluorescent yellow paint
43.Hut porch and decking painted

Cricket

43.Put on covers
44.Put up old Nets
45.Painted sightscreen slats
46.Painted boundary boards
47.Rolled square – two days
48.Laid down two drop down colts wickets
49.Prepared score-box and Repeater board for new season and painted Repeater board legs

The Ground

51.Filled the skip
52.Vranished sleepers
53.Cleared drains
54.Painted new 20 foot container green
55.Tarred speed bumps and repaired pot holes
56.Prepared and installed new Members and Visitors signs regarding not parking in Hayes Hill
57.Replaced signs that were removed when new fence was being installed
58.Cleaned debris left by contractors in main road
59.Re-made new car park railings and rubbed down and painted and repaired steps
60.Washed down flag pole
61.Made up new trolley
62.Trimmed overhanging branches from Wickham Park’s ground
63.Generally tidied gardens and pots and watered window boxes
64.Re-cycled waste to local trip
A PARTICIPANT’S VIEW
The ‘relative’ peace of a Friday afternoon is suddenly shattered by the emission of some strange
sounds, a mixture of religious chanting, hip hop and rap. This threat to noise pollution seems to
be emanating from a slight figure in a white t-shirt, wearing the strangest of wigs. Even more
disturbingly he appears to be sitting astride the heavy roller in the middle of our cricket square,
which could do the latter a great deal of harm. It certainly is not the best place for an audition for
X Factor auditions.

On closer inspection this slight figure turns out to be ‘Mitch’, who has been given a master-class
in roller management by grounds-man Colin.

“It’s very hard work”, observes Laki, who has also tried his hand at this particular skill.

On a day that coincided with the funeral of Malcolm McClaren, at which people were encourage
to ‘make a noise’, ‘Mitch’ was simply showing his respect. Oh Mitch, you’re so pretty, oh so
pretty (not sure where this is going) vacant (ah; now I understand).

It is the Friday of ‘Club Force’, and the advance party have started on this three day event –
nothing to do with show jumping. The Clubhouse floor has been varnished, only for Alex
Forbes to put his big, muddy, shoes on the pristine surface.

John Martin is working quietly behind the bar, other than for the occasional loud noises that are
essential for a skilled plumber to ply his trade. There are not many people we would trust to be
behind the bar on their own, but John is one of life’s gentlemen. There is a sudden loud noise as
John trips over Ian Forbes, who has been lying fast asleep since the previous evening, albeit still
with glass in hand.

Jane, sporting a 2008 Natwest t-shirt - Hadley Freeman would not be impressed – is preparing
the wall outside for its annual re-paint, ably assisted by Caroline. The container adjacent to
Colin’s bungalow is being painted a deep green and the casual observer is reminded of a scene
from the Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Bill ‘phones the man who has promised to come and move the large container, but he never
arrives

The bell rings and it is time for lunch, superbly cooked by Jill Forbes – after an initial problem
with lighting the oven – whilst Lynn Pilgrim has been serving bacon rolls and cups of tea all
morning

Friday gives way to Saturday and even more people arrive, 86 being the final official total

Mark Mace prunes the trees over-hanging from Wickham Park before he, and many others, go
off to represent the OW;s on the playing fields of Eton, or wherever they were playing football
that afternoon.

The frames of the cricket covers acquire said covers, the Nets are erected, the sight-screens and
boundary boards are painted. The front of the pavilion regains its sparkling red quality, the flag-
pole is cleaned, the tennis and squash courts are given a lift and Lynn provides more bacon rolls
and cups of tea and Jill another excellent lunch.

Clive quotes Roger McGough as he scuttles around the skirting boards

Much work is done on the gardens, the steps in the car park are re-enforced with concrete and
everyone quickly finds another job when the drains are mentioned

The 1st and 9th X1s, playing at Hawesdown, return from the game, the 1’s with a 4-1 victory that
ensure their First Division status, the 9’s after a 2-0 defeat but still safe in the knowledge that
they will finish above the 8th XI.

Sunday comes and more people arrive to complete the tasks – well over 100 different people
have taken part over the three days according to the official statistics. The Old Wilsonians have
triumphed again and the annual spring cleaning has been completed and we can all look forward
to another year in which we can enjoy our respective sports – either by playing or watching – or
simply enjoying a drink in a convivial atmosphere and surroundings.

After all, those responsible are the most convivial of individuals and exactly the sort of people
you would wish to play football, cricket, tennis, squash and racquet ball with and enjoy a drink.

The whole event has been magnificently orchestrated by Ian Forbes, Graham Watts has ticked
off the jobs completed – and Mike Harris – with élan, but the real brains behind the operation
has been, as ever, Paul Jenkins.

As well as the phenomenal skills he brings to the event, Paul has a barrel load of patience,
always responding kindly and politely to even the most irritating of requests from the less
talented. He always appreciates everyone’s input and seems to enjoy calling his helpers “Boys”,
a particularly endearing quality to those of us of a certain age.

“Times they are a changin'' as Bobbo sang and they are at a pace. The Bar Committee continue
to give us the financial stability from which we can build and thanks to John , Gerry and the
team for their continued success.

A few highlights of the last few months:

Clubforce weekend was again a phenomenal success with over 100 of our members from doing
much needed jobs around the clubhouse & ground. It was great to see different subsidiary
members working as one, whilst laughing and joking. The club was alive and buzzing , in my
eyes exactly what we are about at this moment. Thanks go to Paul Jenkins & Ian Forbes for
planning & running the weekend so successfully.

The fencing as you drive up Hayes Hill has been replaced so they match our electronic gates
(thanks to Yogi for sorting this out).

OW Gardening club who meet regularly on Mondays and make such a great difference to our
ground (if you fancy participating contact Micky Pilgrim or Bill Hartley).
The Old Wilsonians Golf Society goes from strength to strength under the guidance of Barnes
Clanachan and I believe there is a match play competition throughout the summer.

Now the last 6 months seem sedate compared to what we are looking to achieve in the next half
year plus who is running the different projects:

      Apply and get CASC status (means we will have an 80% discount on our rates)- Mark
       Mace.

      25 year agreement with Hawes Down & Glebe School (the school just over the railway
       bridge by our entrance). We use this facility at this moment for football, but should in
       the longer run use it for cricket to - Neil Kendrick.

      Nets & Playground - this has been deferred by the council planning committee as they
       wish to see both the residents and our concerns - hopefully once we have answered all
       concerns this will be given the green light - Doug Forbes & Micky Pilgrim.

      Memorial Balcony - We are putting in sliding doors which will open up the bar to the
       balcony (phase 1), phase 2 will be to extend the balcony out another metre or so you can
       enjoy a drink al fresco. All this is being funded outside the club by a fundraising team
       led by Andy Steel & Bill Sloane. The next event is a climb up Ben Nevis where 20
       people are taking a hike to the top of the mountain. So if you fancy sponsoring one of
       these please contact either Bill or Andy.

      Replacing our old boiler with one that can accommodate 8 teams at home on a Saturday
       (our old one is unable to cope and is on its last legs). Followed with an extension to the
       men's showers once we get planning permission. (Malcolm Taylor & myself)

      Resurface the tennis courts(Clive Prince & his committee)

      Cricket square to be levelled an reinstated (Neil Kendrick)

      Website finally going live (Jim Lloyd)

      Our first ever club captains celebration with young Graham Watts celebrating his night
       with an Abba tribute band.

      Finally a 5 year plan as we continue to plan for the future

How lucky are we as an organisation that we have so many good people helping us to evolve at
pace - long may it last!

So if you haven't been up the club for a year or two it worth a visit, hopefully see you soon.
                                                                                       Alex Forbes
                    OLD WILSONIANS’ ASSOCIATION
                                   President: Alex Forbes

The governing body of the Association is the OWA Club and Ground Committee
comprising of elected officers and members.

Officers and members of the Club and Ground Committee:
Alex Forbes           President
Mick Pilgrim          Immediate Past President / Joint Ground Manager
Andy Smith            Hon Secretary
Ian Pilgrim           Vice Chairman Council
Nick Mole             Hon Treasurer
Dave McCarthy         Hon Auditor
Mike Pike             Hon Registrar
Malcolm Taylor        Hon Editor NOW
Ozy Akkaya            Hon Solicitor
Jasper Gundry-White   Sports Club Secretary
Mike Pike             Cricket Club Representative
Malcolm Boxall        Football Club Representative
Bill Hartley          Squash/Racquet Ball Club Representative
Clive Prince          Tennis Club Representative
Neil Kendrick         Joint Ground Manager
Paul Jenkins          Building Manager
Gerry Adams           Bar Management Team
John Drabwell            Bar Management Team
Ian Pilgrim              Bar Management Team
Andy Parkinson        School Liaison Officer
Jamie Parkinson       School Liaison Officer
Damien Charnock       School Headmaster

                   OLD WILSONIANS’ LODGE No 6602
                                     Founded 1948
                              2009/11 Master: Robert Cullen
The Old Wilsonians’ Lodge was formed in 1948 for the benefit of the Old Wilsonians and
Wilson’s School. The Lodge is open to Old Boys, Master of the School, Parents of Old Boys
and Friends of Old Wilsonians. The Lodge meets four times a year in January, July, June and
October at Mark Mason’s Hall in St James’s, London.

The Lodge had a successful Open Meeting on 4th March attended by around 50 members and
non-masonic guests followed by an excellent meal with entertainment from a comedian and
conjurer. The raffle raised over £200 for Children with Leukemia supported by the current
Master, Rob Cullen who along with Greg Kirby is running the London Marathon for this charity
and the Mayor of Southwark’s Common Good Trust respectively. We hope to have at least one
joining member in Rob Downey and a new candidate as a direct result of this meeting.

Contact: Lodge secretary: John Wallington 01322 348 966 for further details
                                NORMAN'S CORNER
Norman Tucker, another of our regular overseas contributor’s writes from Texas, USA

These RULES came to my attention at a DBE gathering in Fort Worth, Texas, over this last
week-end and I thought they might cause some amusement especially among the jocks in the
sports clubs.

Changing Times
As with so many of us, my worldwide travels began with a school trip. Back in 1947 I was in a
group trip to Paris under the leadership of Joe (Spike) Donovan, John Parr, Bert Baker with his
wife, and our French guide Monsieur Misipo. I seem to remember that the entire cost, other than
personal spending money, was the grand sum of 14 Pounds Sterling. That included train and
ferry fares and our room and board at the Lycee Henri-Quatre close by the Gare St Lazare. What
a great introduction to the big wide world. Two weeks in a foreign country so early into the
recovery from WWII.

Since those days I have had the greatest pleasure in worldwide travels, accumulating some 45
countries in total through National Service, business, and pleasure. Furthermore my wife,
Angela, has had the opportunity to be with me in all my journeying since about 1980. She has
taken advantage of that time to visit many places that I never did, nor will have time to go back
to, and has been cared for by so many generous people in those foreign lands.

Times change and the shoe is now on the other foot. Angela has for the last 30+ years been a
Daughter of the British Empire in the United States of America. The organization is country
wide and was founded in 1909 in New York to serve and protect the English nannies who were
too impoverished or unwell to care for themselves, or to return to England. Today the DBE
supports 4 nursing homes, one in each of the States of New York, Illinois, California, and
Texas. Angela has served in many capacities, including National Board positions, and has just
taken office in the State of Texas. Needless to say my travels are now in support of my dear
lady.

Angela’s responsibilities encompass arranging for Texas State Conventions through each of the
next 4 years. Already we have driven over 500 miles in the last week on this task, and she has
outline plans for at least the next 3 years. Tomorrow we are off to one of the original German
settlements about 100 miles west of Austin hopefully to fill in some more of the blanks. Now I
am the chauffeur and bag carrier. Times have changed!!

Angela was elected to her position only yesterday at the State annual convention in Fort Worth,
Texas, about 200 miles north of Austin. My job was to carry her there and back, pay the bills,
pick up all the heavy boxes of State files, speak nicely to all the ladies, and generally be an
upstanding S.O.B. (Son of Britain). Most of all I was left to look after my own time, meals, and
amusement.
Among the goodies handed to each participant was this explanation of the “Rules”. I trust our
male readers will agree that from time to time it is good for our soul to be reminded of our
position. For those who are, or have been, married, these reminders will reinforce the status quo,
and for those who are yet to be joined in matrimony may they serve as a caution against the
perils below the horizon.
The Rules.
   1. Only the Female makes the Rules.

   2. The Rules are subject to change without prior notice.

   3. No Male can possibly know all the Rules.

   4. If a Female suspects that a Male knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some of the
      Rules.

   5. The Female is never wrong.

   6. If the Female is wrong it is due to a misunderstanding and is the direct result of something the
      Male has done. The Male must immediately apologize for causing the said misunderstanding.

   7. The Female is allowed to change her mind at a whim and for no reason. The Male even if he
      cannot perceive the necessity for a change of mind must nevertheless be supportive thereof.

   8. If the Female suspects that the Male might have an inkling of why she changed her mind, she
      must forthwith change her mind again.

   9. The Male is not allowed to change his mind without the express written consent of the Female,

   10. The Female has the right to be angry or upset at any time or at any place.

   11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants or needs him to be angry or
       upset.

   12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants or
       needs him to be angry or upset.

   13. The Female is ready when she is ready.

   14. The Male must be ready at all times.

   15. Any attempt by the Male to change or to discuss the Rules will thereby upset the Female and
       could cause him grievous bodily harm.

   16. The Male who has the temerity to not abide by the Rules, or who cannot take the heat, does
       perforce lack a backbone and is, of direct consequence, a wimp!

   17. If the Female has PMS, each of the Rules, other than Rules 1 through 5, is null and void.

I have yet to discover whether or not the rules were put to the vote at the Convention, and if they
were whether or not they were voted upon by secret ballot, a show of hands, or by acclamation.
Above all one must remember a toast that I heard and enjoyed so frequently in times long
passed: “To the ladies, the work of the Great Architect. No man should be without a
copy.”
Norman Tucker,
Austin, Texas. March 14, 2010.
                              SPORTS CLUB DATES
WEDNESDAY May 12th OLD WILSONIANS’ LUNCHEON SOCIETY (OWLS)

IP suggested the name. This is an attempt to get some use of the club at times when it would not
normally be used. Each month we will hold a lunch and have a few drinks to while away the
time as the majority of attendees are no longer working! Each month we have a guest chef – Bill
Hartley, Jill Forbes, Gerry Adams takes us through to May. Any volunteers to cook for any
month gratefully accepted as will anyone who will man the bar for the lunchtime.

SATURDAY MAY 15th POKER NIGHT
Poker Night provisionally booked by the OWCC.

SUNDAY JUNE 6th GEORGE RICE TROPHY
This starts at 2.00pm with tea provided.

MONDAY JUNE 7th FOLKESTONE LADIES DAY MEETING
We are contemplating hiring a coach and attending the Folkestone Ladies Day meeting. If
interested let Mike Pilgrim know on 0208.402.0002.

TUESDAY JUNE 8th OWLS LUNCH
OWLS Lunch at Club 12.30 for 1.00pm

SATURDAY JUNE 12th WORLD CUP GAME
England v USA at club 8.30pm kick off

FRIDAY JUNE 18th WORLD CUP GAME
England v Algeria at club 8.30pm kick off

WEDNESDAY JUNE 23rd WORLD CUP GAME
England v Slovenia at club kick off 4.00pm

SATURDAY JUNE 26th OWCC RACE NIGHT
OWCC Race Night with 8/9 races, Tote betting and if England qualify as winners of their group
in the World Cup you can watch them play at the same time. A family occasion all welcome and
make a profit on the evening.

SATURDAY JULY 10th TENNIS CLUB OPEN TOURNAMENT
Tennis Club Open Tournament starts at noon.
SUNDAY JULY 11th BIG SCREEN WORLD CUP FINAL
Big Screen World Cup Final at Club if enough interest – possibly used throughout World Cup

WEDNESDAY JULY 14th OWLS LUNCH
OWLS Lunch at Club 12.30 for 1.00pm (Guest Chef required)

SUNDAY JULY 18th OWCC PRESIDENTS DAY
OWCC Presidents Day at Club – Ian Pilgrim is President this year and invites all OW’s to join
him on the day to watch cricket and meet up with old friends and acquaintances. Bar opens from
noon and food provided.

MONDAY JULY 19th – FRIDAY JULY 23rd CRICKET WEEK
Cricket Week starts with games each day and bar open from noon each day. There will be
lunches available on the Wednesday and Friday.

SATURDAY JULY 24th BARBECUE
“Pay Yer Balance Barbie “at the Club. This is for members going to Barbados in the autumn
turn up to pay their outstanding amounts due. Irrespective if you are going or not everyone is
welcome.

SUNDAY JULY 25th TENNIS SECTION VERSUS FOOTBALL CLUB CHALLENGE
Tennis section versus Football Club Challenge match starts at 2.00pm. This event has been
going a few years now and is highly competitive – well worth a watch !

SATURDAY AUGUST 7th AMERICAN TOURNAMENT WITH BBQ
Tennis Club hold their American Tournament together with a BBQ – competition starts at
2.00pm.

SUNDAY AUGUST 8th OWFC 5-A-SIDE COMPETITION
Annual OWFC 5-a-side competition with a multitude of OW’s and others getting their sides
together. Organised by Mike Pilgrim and if you want to put a team together let him know on
0208.402.0002

WEDNESDAY AUGUST 11th OWLS LUNCH
OWLS Lunch at Club 12.30 for 1.00pm (guest Chef required)

TUESDAY AUGUST 31st TENNIS CLUB LADIES CHARITY TOURNAMENT
Tennis Club Ladies hold a Inter-Club Charity Tournament.

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 3rd OWA CLUB CAPTAIN DINNER & CABARET EVENING
The OWA Club Captain Dinner & Cabaret Evening in a marquee at the club. Graham Watts this
year’s Club Captain is organising a Dinner/Cabaret with an Abba Tribute theme. Tickets from
Bryan or Graham Watts at £35 per head.

SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 11th OWCCC COLTS AWARDS
OWCCC Colts Awards Evening at Club

TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 14th OWLS LUNCH
OWLS Lunch at Club 12.30 for 1.00pm
SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 18th OWCC SENIORS AWARDS DINNER
OWCC Seniors Awards Dinner

TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 21st OWCC AGM
OWCC Annual General Meeting @ 8.00 at club

FRIDAY OCTOBER 1st TENNIS CLUB AUTUMN SOCIAL EVENING
Tennis Club Autumn Social Evening at the Club starting at 7.30pm

MONDAY OCTOBER 11th BARBADOS TICKET COLLECTION
Barbados ticket collection and final briefing at the club from 7.30pm

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 13th OWLS
OWLS Lunch at Club 12.30 for 1.00pm (Guest Chef required)

FRIDAY OCTOBER 16th TENNIS CLUB QUIZ EVENING
The ever popular Tennis Club Quiz Evening starting at Club at 7.30pm

TUESDAY OCTOBER 19th –TUESDAY NOVEMBER 2nd THE OWCC SUMMER TOUR
OWCC Summer tour to Barbados flying with Virgin Airlines from London Gatwick. For more
details contact Graham Watts 0n 0208.698.1134, 07956.462685 or grawat@ntlworld.com

TUESDAY NOVEMBER 2nd TENNIS CLUB AGM
Tennis Club Annual General Meeting at Club from 8.00pm

WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 10th OWLS LUNCH
OWLS Lunch at Club 12.30 for 1.00pm

NOVEMBER 19th OWA PRESIDENTS’ LADIES NIGHT
OWA Presidents’ Ladies Night at Bromley Court Hotel 7. 00 for 7.30pm. A three course meal
plus disco. Take your Ladies out for putting up with all the OWA events they have allowed you
to attend during the year.

TUESDAY DECEMBER 7th OWLS LUNCH
OWLS Lunch at Club 12.30 for 1.00pm

SUNDAY DECEMBER 12th TENNIS CLUB CHRISTMAS TOURNAMENT
Tennis Club hold Christmas Tournament followed by mulled wine and mince pies starts
10.30am

TUESDAY DECEMBER 14th OWA AGM
OWA Annual General Meeting at the Club 8.00pm start. This is the most important meeting of
the year when you find out the financial situation the Club is in and have the opportunity to vote
on many important issues.

SUNDAY DECEMBER 19th OWA CHILDREN’S PARTY
OWA Children’s party with a special appearance by Father Christmas. Party starts at 4.30pm

FRIDAY DECEMBER 24th CHRISTMAS EVE GET TOGETHER
Christmas Eve Get Together at the club 4.00 – 9.00pm. All welcome.

Let me know of any events that are being held that I have missed or you have just
organised and I will add it into the next newsletter to let members know what is
happening and get those dates into their diaries.                          Ian
Forbes (0208.647.7933) or iforbes@hotmail.co.uk
                            CRICKET CLUB
Preparation is the key
It is not only Boy Scouts who need to be prepared, for those who play the game of
cricket should also use this mantra, so the good attendance at pre-season Nets should
have boded well for the months to come. It is a little disappointing, therefore, to report
that four of our five Saturday sides were well beaten, the exception being Laki’s 3 rd XI,
who stormed to a 160 run victory over Blackheath Select, on the first day of the season.
Hopefully this was only a temporary blip and the other sides will follow this excellent
example. All four Sunday games, involving two senior sides and two colts, fell victims to
the atrocious weather that welcomed Bank Holiday Sunday.

This newsletter now becomes a regular monthly publication, after its sporadic
appearance during the winter, and, from the June issue , we will be bringing you a full
round-up of results and match reports, which is where you come in. Your editor will
attempt to put brief reports of all of the senior games on the respective websites, and
send to our own splendid version updated regularly by Caroline, and send them to the
local press – happy to also do for the Colts sides, but you will have to supply me with
the relevant details. However, if you require a more detailed analysis which, hopefully,
you do, then you will have to do so yourselves. I look forward to receiving your views
and sparkling prose. Alex Forbes has already set the standard by submitting a report of
the 4th XI’s game against Bexley Park.

The pre-season get together was a lively affair, excellently hosted by President Ian
Pilgrim, where the talk, as ever, was about the season to come. We can all talk a good
game, and let’s hope we can fulfill all the aspirations which were expected on April 16 th.
The following week saw our annual Club Force (three day) weekend and, as always, an
enormous amount of work was done – more details later. Over 100 members from the
various subsidiaries took part, and thanks to each and every one of them. We can
always do with more, of course, so if you have not participated over the years, please
think seriously about doing so next time for, and, as the saying goes, ‘many hands
make light work.’ (Seem to recall that there is a particularly bad joke to that effect,
which is available on demand.)

On April 29th a delegation of Old Wilsonians attended Bromley Council’s Planning
Committee meeting to bat on behalf of our application to erect four brand new Nets on
the Association’s recently acquired piece of land from Ex-Blues. Chairman Doug
Forbes led the delegation and put our views clearly and succinctly. We had some
opposition from the residets of Pickhurst Rise, who have some concerns as the Nets
will be adjacent to their back gardens. The committee decided to defer the decision and
will now spend more time with ourselves and the residents in an effort to ensure that
both parties are happy with the eventual outcome. There is no doubt that this can be
achieved but, at the moment, the situation is a little disappointing and it now seems
unlikely that the Nets will be operational until next season.
As ever the Club are always looking for volunteers to umpire, score and provide teas,
without whom the game would be very difficult, if not impossible, to play. There is a
payment for those prepared to volunteer, so don’t be shy and let us know.

Sainsbury's are once again offering customers Active Kids vouchers and, due to the
fact that we are Club marked, Old Wilsonians can join in with this scheme and redeem
them for sports equipment. Please save any vouchers that you receive and hand them
to Caroline Maxwell or Ian Pilgrim, or simply put them in the boxes provided at the
Club – nothing could be simpler.

Finally good luck to each and every one of you during the summer, whether you are
playing, umpiring, scoring, providing the teas or simply watching the game.

                                                                              Mike Pike

                               FOOTBALL CLUB

END OF SEASON REPORT
On the pitch the club has had a difficult season. Most of the end of season summaries at the club
dinner started “we find ourselves in a relegation battle”. The club is struggling with regular
availability. This means that teams are rarely the same and it is difficult to build up any sort of
team spirit. I think things can improve but we need an influx of good quality but more
importantly committed players who will play most weeks wherever their team are playing. The
committee are looking at ways to ensure that this will happen

The 1XI had a tough season but ultimately survived comfortably buoyed by an excellent finish
to the season. Again availability caused a problem. Early in the season defensively we were iffy
but after Christmas the team defensively was excellent. Early on we created lots of chances but
struggled to find the back of the net but again later on in the season this changed. We lost in the
semi final of the OBC to Old Parmiterians the eventual winners and the highlight has to be the
4-1 thrashing of eventual champions Nottsborough. This league is very tight and we have the
ability to do very well in it. A couple of extra players and a better attitude to training will help.
Captain Jamie Parkinson picked up player of the year after a string of solid performances.
Special mentions must go to Andy Parkinson x 2, Stuart McBride and Sam Wilson who was just
pipped to the award. Jon Howe had a good season and only missed 1 game and Oz Akkaya was
excellent at the business end of the season.

The 2XI finished one off the relegation, albeit they never looked like going down. Again they
struggled to get a settled side but when they had what would be a usual 2’s side they did very
well. Highlight of the season would have to be the AFA cup run in which Winchmore Hill were
dispatched and winning at eventual champions Alleyn Old Boys 1-0. Player of the year was

The 3Xi under the guidance of new skipper Aaron Newble had a mixed season. Early on they
were challenging but the finished 4 from bottom. Aaron had trouble getting people to travel and
this is something the club must address. The started the season by smashing eventual champions
Old Esthamians 7-3 but never really reached those heights again. Having said that they also did
the double over AFA champions Old Stationers. Again like many teams with the right players
available they can be very good. Player of the year went to Tom Harper

The 4Xi were unfortunately relegated despite a good start and end to the season. Under Yuved
Bheenick they won their first four games and had a very good AFA cup run but unfortunately
they will be in the same league as the 5’s next year. They should look to win this league and get
themselves back to where they belong. Young keeper Callum Steele won player of the year and
later made his debut for the 1’s against Old Owens doing very well

The 5xi had a solid season finishing a creditable 5th. They also had a great start winning their
first 4 games. They then lost their next 7 and this stopped any promotion chance. They came
back strong to finish 5th. Player of the year was Charlie Manning who continues to impress.

The 6xi and 7xi were in the same league and the fixture list meant they played each other in
their first 2 games. Each team won once. Unfortunately the 7xi were relegated and the 6xi
finished 2 places above them. These 2 sides seemed to be the sides that really struggled for
numbers. Ed Hindley won the 6xi POTY and schoolboy James Croft picked up the 7xi award.
The 7’s did well to reach the OBC semi final but unfortunately lost out to Old Parmiterians in
extra time.

The 8xi and 9xi were also in the same league and the 9xi were very happy to finish 8 points
ahead of their rivals. The 8’s finished 1 off the bottom and the 9’s 2 places better off. Player of
the year for the 8’s was Simon Kidd and the 9’s was Neville Spencer. Both sides will look for an
improvement next season.

Sam Wilson from the 1xi picked up the young player of the year award. Jamie Parkinson was
clubman and Mike Pike picked up the Clarke Quarrington award for his continued work on the
newsletter.

Off the pitch the club has gone from strength to strength. The poker night was again hugely
successful and the togger was also a good money maker. Richard Smart just pipped the
Parkinson brother’s to the title. Various golf days have also raised much needed funds. Other
events could still do with better support. The race night being a good example of this. The bar
takings continue to rise due to playing at Hawes Down and these facilities improve dramatically
every season. The new website brings exciting times for the club and hopefully will open some
new avenues. Thanks must go to Jim Lloyd for this. A number of footballers were in attendance
at the Natwest Club Force Weekend and lots of useful jobs have been done. Thanks go to the
Steele family for the work they have done on the upstairs changing rooms.

Thanks must go to the hard working committee especially the Chairman Barnes Clanachan who
has led the team well in his first year.

Next year we must continue with all the hard work put in by the committee and captains and in
time more successful finishes will come. Here’s to a successful 2010/ 2011 season

                                                                     Jamie Parkinson
GOLF SOCIETY – BOURNER JUG 2010

Apologies for not getting this out sooner but I have only just retrieved the cards from
the golf club. Congratulations to Richard Smart who is the new Bourner Jug champion
racking up an incredible 40 points in what were at times some fairly horrific conditions.
Also very well done to Malcolm Boxall who put finally put together a very good round
culminating in 37 points and second place, narrowly outscoring Chris Cowell and Paul
Jenkins by just the one point (Chris nicking the third spot on countback). Mr Jenkins
can take some solace in winning the nearest the pin competition, and Nick Fuller took
the Longest Drive with an absolute corker by all accounts.

Personally, I got off to a cracking start being one under after two, then teed off on the
third and suddenly was not!!!

For your amusement I have attached all the final scores from our day at Tyrells Wood,
and also those from last year should you wish to compare. I have even put together a
total score over the two years for you as I am sure the handicap committee will find this
very useful! (Anything over 64 would suggest a slight adjustment is necessary)

I would just like to extend my great thanks to Ian Forbes and Malcolm Boxall great
support helping to organize the whole affair, your help has been invaluable. Also a big
thank you to Will Bennett who acted as bookie on behalf of the Football Club.

Many thanks must also go to all of you too for your generosity in helping to raise
£1,105.00 for the club which will help go towards some much needed renovations at
Hayes.

I hope you all very much enjoyed the day despite the downpour we had to endure, your
company as always well excellent and it has been a pleasure to organize .

                                                       Barnes Clanachan
                           Bourner Jug 2010
Name               Handicap Points Scored Result   Longest Drive Nearest Pin
Richard Smart         11          40       1st               2009
Malcolm Boxall        19          37       2nd
Paul Jenkins          19          36                                     2010
Chris Cowell          18          36       3rd
Fred Brindle          24          34
Andy Donnelly         22          34
Graeme Carruth        22          33
Jim Matthews          24          32
John Matthews         13          31
Ben Cook              22          31
Barnes Clanachan      16          31
Andy Smith            17          31
Nick Billing          22          30
Jim Lloyd             28          30
Chris Kennedy         28          30
Andy Flood            15          30
Paul Sherwin          24          29
Jason Trout           14          29
Will Bennett           4          28
Steve Donnelly        28          28
Praveen Panciker      21          28
Mark Collins          18          28
Jon Mole              28          28
Nick Fuller           18          27                        2010
Doug Smart            18          27
Chris Billing         28          27
Andy Kirchin          14          27
Terry Adams           23          26                                     2009
Julian Rozario        22          26
Jon Cole              20          26
Phil Duckworth        22          25
Neil Ashworth         21          24
Dan Harris            28          24
Pat Ducasse           28          22
Malcoln Taylor        24          22
Nick Mole             28          21
Matt Hallett          28          21
Mark Mace             28          20
Adam Goddard          28          20
Ben Rushworth         23          19
Ed Hindley            28          17
2009 Results                         All Time Leaderboard
Name               Points Scored     Chris Cowell           71
Jim Matthews                    35   Richard Smart          68
Chris Cowell                    35   Fred Brindle           68
Andy Donnelly                   34   Andy Donnelly          68
Terry Adams                     34   Jim Matthews           67
Fred Brindle                    34   Paul Jenkins           64
Steve Donnelly                  34   Barnes Clanachan       64
Barnes Clanachan                33   Jim Lloyd              63
Mark Collins                    33   Steve Donnelly         62
Will Bennett                    33   Malcolm Boxall         61
Neil Poynter                    33   Will Bennett           61
Jim Lloyd                       33   Mark Collins           61
Mark Mace                       32   Ben Cook               60
Andy Kirchin                    31   Terry Adams            60
Malcolm Smart                   29   Andy Smith             58
Julian Rosario                  29   Andy Kirchin           58
Nick Mole                       29   Paul Sherwin           57
Neil Ashworth                   29   Andy Flood             55
Ben Cook                        29   Julian Rozario         55
Richard Smart                   28   Chris Kennedy          54
Paul Jenkins                    28   Nick Fuller            54
Paul Sherwin                    28   Neil Ashworth          53
Andy Smith                      27   Mark Mace              52
Nick Fuller                     27   Chris Billing          50
Chris Kennedy                   26   Nick Mole              50
Adam Goddard                    26   Adam Goddard           46
Andy Flood                      25   Ben Rushworth          43
Alex Philips                    25   Matt Hallett           40
Malcolm Boxall                  24   Ed Hindley             34
Andy Fox                        24   Graeme Carruth         33
Ben Rushworth                   24   John Matthews          31
Steve Holmes                    24   Nick Billing           30
Chris Billings                  23   Jason Trout            29
Hugh McGeever                   22   Malcolm Smart          29
Matt Hallett                    19   Praveen Panciker       28
Andy Marshall                   17   Jon Mole               28
Ed Hindley                      17   Doug Smart             27
Brian Stapleton                 14   Jon Cole               26
Will Hodges                     12   Phil Duckworth         25
                                     Alex Philips           25
                                     Dan Harris             24
                                     Andy Fox               24
                                     Steve Holmes           24
                                     Pat Ducasse            22
                                     Malcoln Taylor         22
                                     Hugh McGeever          22
                                     Andy Marshall          17
                                     Brian Stapleton        14
                                     Will Hodgess           12
                            SUPER DRAW WINNERS
DATE                   No                   NAME                            PRIZE
                                                                               £

September 1st          12                 J PUGH                               170
September 15th         28                 F BBRINDLE                            70
October 1st            53                 R BEVAN                              170
October 15th           69                 D STEWART                             70
November 1st           54                 P WAKEFORD                           170
November 15th          59                 I PILGRIM                             70
December 1st           57                 A ASHDOWN                            170
December 15th          6                  N BILLING                             70
Please support the above by donating £12.50 monthly giving you the following chances to
win:
                                 10 Monthly draws of: £170
                                  12 Monthly draws of: £70
                                2 Bi-Annual draws of £1000
Hon. Organiser: Peter Wakeford  0208 777 3879


                       OWA PRIZE DRAW WINNERS
DATE                        No                NAME                          PRIZE
                                                                               £
September 7th               167           T ADAMS                             25
September 14th              114           NOT SOLD                            25
September 21st              183           P CLASPER                           25
September 28th              163           NOT SOLD                           500
October 5th                 146           MRS S WELLS                         50
October 12th                142           J PUGH                              25
October 19th                 61           M ANDERSON                          25
October 26th                 81           S MILLWARD                          25
November 2nd                106           J JENNINGS                          25
November 9th                 24           MRS J RICE                          25
November 16th               117           A KIRCHIN                           25
November 23rd                15           P RICHARDSON                        25
November 30th                66           C ALDRIDGE                          25
December 7th                 64           P WAKEFORD                          25
December 14th                43           S FORBES                            50
December 21st                54           V TAYLOR                            25
December 28th               140           R WARBOYS                           25

Hon. Organiser: Peter Wakeford  0208 777 3879

PLEASE NOTIFY ANY CHANGE OF ADDRESS. THERE MAY BE A PRIZE
WAITING!!
FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
LESSON 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the
doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob
says, 'I'll give you £500 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman
drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her
£500 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When
she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door
neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £500 he
owes me?'
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

LESSON 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal
a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his
hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his
hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again
said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his
arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

LESSON 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they
find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give
each of you just one wish.'
Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with
my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff!
He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back
in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

LESSON 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and
asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.

LESSON 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree'
sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed
with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

LESSON 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the
ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some
dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
   1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
   2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
   3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.


                                 A MORAL TALE!
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with
green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and
healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And
Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll
have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found
so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and
combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'.
And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and
Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks
and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went
through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium
and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-
fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more
pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to
toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering
light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his
appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan
said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan
said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.


                   THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition
and health.:
   1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
   2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
   3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
   4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
       us.
   5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart
       attacks than us.
   6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart
       attacks than us
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you.
                               ENGLISH LESSON part 1
You think English is easy???

   1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
   2) The farm was used to produce produce.
   3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
   4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
   5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
   6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
   7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
   8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
   9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
   10) I did not object to the object.
   11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
   12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
   13) They were too close to the door to close it.
   14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
   15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
   16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
   17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
   18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
   19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
   20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries
in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take
English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't
ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So
one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do
you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by
truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are
opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn
up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off
by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race,
which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but
when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?


                             ENGLISH LESSON part 2

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this...there is a two-letter word that perhaps has
more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken
in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we
speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP
a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm
UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old
car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for
tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be
dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a
store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,
look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the
page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a
list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP,
you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP..When it doesn't rain for awhile,
things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut
UP!

								
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