NEWS OF OLD WILSONIANS MAY 2010 OLD WILSONIANS’ ASSOCIATION (FOUNDED 1904) NEWS OF OLD WILSONIANS MAY 2010 PRESIDENT ALEX FORBES Phone 07855 273218 Alexforbes46@hotmail.co.uk 28 Park Hill, Carshalton, Surrey, SM5 3RU CLUB CAPTAIN GRAHAM WATTS email@example.com 4 Beechmount Close, Bromley Hill, BR1 4NJ REGISTRAR MIKE PIKE Phone 020 8659 6443 firstname.lastname@example.org 68A Knighton Park Road, Sydenham, SE26 5RL HON SECRETARY ANDY SMITH Phone 020 8643 7157 email@example.com 41 East Drive, Carlshalton, Surrey, SM5 4PA HON TREASURER NICK MOLE Phone 020 8669 0603 (H) N_Mole@fairalls.co.uk 01883 731102 (W) 2 Clarence Road, Wallington ton, Surrey, SM6 0EY SPORTS CLUB SECRETARY JASPER GUNDRY-WHITE Phone 07789 934867 firstname.lastname@example.org 74 Freelands Road, Bromley, BR1 3MY JOINT CLUB & GROUND MANAGERS NEIL KENDRICK Phone 020 8654 5899 Neil.email@example.com Mobile: 07961 412839 9 Addiscombe Court Road, Croydon, Surrey, CR0 6TT MICK PILGRIM Phone 020 8402 0002 Mjpil53@live.co.uk 36 Hayes Mead Road, Hayes, BR2 7HR BAR MANAGEMENT TEAM GERRY ADAMS, JOHN DRABWELL IAN PILGRIM Phone 020 8462 2600 Hayes Hill, Bromley, Kent SUPER DRAW & 200 CLUBS PETER WAKEFORD Phone 020 8777 3879 17 Sarjeant Court, Ben Curtis Park, West Wickham, Kent, BR4 9QE SCHOOL ADDRESS Headmaster’s Office Wilson’s School, Mollison Drive, Wallington, Surrey, SM6 9JW OLD WILSONIAN’S LODGE Secretary, JOHN WALLINGTON Phone 01322 348966 www.oldwilsonianslodge.com 55 Wessex Drive, Barnehurst, Kent DA8 3AE HON. EDITOR MALCOLM TAYLOR Phone 020 8402 8507 firstname.lastname@example.org New Belmont, 1 Oaklands Road, Bromley, BR1 3SJ OLD WILSONIAN'S WEBSITE www.oldwilsonians.com EDITORIAL The main news item for this edition is the new website for the OWA which has been developed over the past few months under the guidance of Jim Lloyd. This will become the main forum for communication with the OWA. Anyone wishing to be added to the mailing list for the published copy must let Malcolm Taylor know. We have also just had another very successful clubforce weekend with over 100 OWs, friends and families giving up their time to do any number of jobs around the clubhouse and ground. It has been a busy time with the completion of the new railings at the entrance to ground to match the security gates installed last year. We are also pressing on with the replacement of the main clubhouse windows with a series of sliding folding doors which will open up the balcony in the summer months. Phase 1 of this venture has been entirely self-funding through the fundraising efforts of Andy Steele, Bill Sloan and the rest of the Balcony Team. These sliding doors should be installed in June with Phase 2 to extend the balcony and make it more accessible for disabled access planned for later in the year. Plans are also being drawn up by architects for redevelopment of the shower area together with a replacement boiler which will cost around £30k and a possible extension of the south end of the clubhouse. All this is an indication of the strength of the Association’s finances due mainly to the continued strong profits from the bar management team. Our new President, Alex Forbes is developing a 5 year plan for the Association and is consulting the whole club on proposals for improving the facilities. On the down side our planning application for the crickets nets on the new land acquired from Ex-Blues was deferred by the planning officer in April for further options to be considered which include the siting of the cricket nets and the children’s playground equipment. We hope to return to the planning committee at Bromley for a decision in June. . We look forward to a successful cricket season with 5 teams in the Kent league and two Sunday sides. More news on all these items in this issue. LAUNCH OF THE OLD WILSONIANS’ NEW WEBSITE I'm very excited to announce that we are now ready to launch the new Old Wilsonians’ website which I hope you will find informative and fun. I encourage you to visit the site now and as often as you can, as we will be regularly posting lots of articles, events, fixtures, pictures and video for your enjoyment. We need everyone's participation to ensure this a useful tool to assist our already vibrant community. This will be our window and showcase to the world and to future members and guests, so I invite you to send me reports, announcements, events, pictures and anything else within reason - we have a fantastic club of which we should be rightly proud, so we should show it off by giving it a bigger voice. Please let me have any ideas and suggestions about how you think the site could be improved, what you like, what you don't like, and please let me know if you spot any bugs, typos or inappropriate content. It is your site so let me know what you want to see on there. Just for clarity, your regular publications such as NOW and OWFC & OWCC Newsletters will continue to be edited and published by Malcolm Taylor and Pikey respectively. Although the website will also carry this content, please submit your contributions to these publications in the normal way. When you visit the new site, you will see that each section of the club has its own area and navigation in addition to a generic OW section. I will continue to manage and publish the site generally, but in time I will hand over much of the publishing duties to the subsidiary sections of the club. Some features of the new site include:- Articles and reports Comments (it's up to you to post your own comments on the site, but please try to make sure they are appropriate and remember that there will be under 18s also using the site). Picture galleries YouTube videos Newsletter archive Player Stats Contact info Upcoming events Clubhouse booking info and directions OWFC - results, fixtures, team pages, match reports, newsletters OW Tennis OW Squash & Racketball Coming soon:- OWCC section - the current OWCC site will continue as is but we will shortly be working on moving that over to the new site (in the meantime the OWCC link on the new site will redirect) OWAGS (Golf) OW OW Jobs OW Trades and Services Team Selection tools Membership database and online payment mechanism Forums/discussions OW Finder Plus ..... much, much more! Please have a browse of the new site and keep the ideas and suggestions coming to me at email@example.com I hope you all enjoy your new oldwilsonians.com Jim Lloyd NATWEST CLUBFORCE WEEKEND 2010 POST WEEKEND ASSESSMENT From the President Thanks to everyone who has in any way helped out over NatWest weekend. Your time, efforts and enthusiasm have made our Club a much better place. The highlight for me happened on Saturday morning when I was told to wander around and take pictures of people working (excellent I thought keeps me away from mixing cement or clearing the drains!) As I wandered around it was great to see different subsidiary club members working as one, laughing and joking. The Club was alive and bustling and that in my eyes is what we are about! Thanks to Paul Jenkins and Ian Forbes for planning and running this weekend and thanks to all the volunteers for making the difference. Alex Forbes From the Architect & Engineer From Paul and my perspective the months of preparation were worthwhile, although there were times when we felt like tearing our hair out in the lead up to the weekend. I think it’s a traditional Club thing when members say no I didn’t tell anyone but you know I always turn up. I am sure you always do but it helps us in planning jobs to know numbers – still that grump disappears when we evaluate what work was completed and the number of volunteers who turned up and got stuck in! Over the three days we had 106 volunteers who between them racked up 142 working days – there are several individuals who appeared on all three days! There is a breakdown by Club of all the volunteers and the days that they attended attached and if by chance we have missed anyone please let me know and I will add you to the volunteer’s roll of honour. The volunteers wielded paint brushes, rollers, screwdrivers, hammers, garden hoe’s, ladles and knives. The Ladies did a great job on the gardens using their skills and quantities of bark to help keep up the remarkably high quality of plants and shrubs we have round the ground. I also thought that Gareth Evans showed above the required stamina in thrusting his arm down the drains – particularly as I saw what he brought out! It’s this sort of dedication that makes the difference. Another highlight for me was when Ian Pilgrim decided to dismantle the broken Ice maker and we became engulfed in water- this was just as Jenks had finished varnishing the club floor for the second time! And hearing Clive Peckover use old Anglo-Saxon swear words when he put his foot in a bucket of water! These are the sort of thing that keeps me going at the ripe old age of 70. As to the purpose of the weekend we managed to complete 64 jobs both big and small. Major jobs were the buying and painting of the new 20 foot container, Painting the wall and parapet outside the clubhouse, repairing the glass washer and installing a new sink. Varnishing the clubhouse floor, painting the squash dressing room, painting the showers and football dressing rooms are just some of the jobs we completed with your help. A complete list of the jobs is attached and if I have missed any let me know so that I can add it to our list. Paul has estimated that the work we have done would have cost at least £15,000 as against our outlay of £5,000 – well done everyone! To echo our President’s words it was a great weekend, done in the right spirit and we have a brilliant end result to prove it! Next year is a little earlier April 8 – 10 so make a note of this in your diary and resolve to bring someone along with you who has not participated before. Finally, what about individual clubs making their own mini Natwest weekend and each team agreeing to paint, clear, build something which helps their Club outside of the main weekend? Ian Forbes & Paul Jenkins THE FOLLOWING (64) JOBS WERE COMPLETED The Bar 1.Repaired glass washer and installed new sink 2. Cleared back storeroom and dumped unnecessary icemakers and old dishwashers 3. Installed new photocopying machine in back storeroom 4. Built clearing equipment holder 5. Audited all crockery and cutlery and moved from back storeroom to outside storeroom 6. Put batten on weakened shelf 7. Cleared outside storeroom and re-cemented the floor 8. Moved loam currently stored in outside store to Grounds-man’s container 9.Painted store green 10. Re-tiled area in back storeroom where broken The Clubhouse 11.Varnished main Clubhouse floor 12. Painted skirting boards 13. Replaced bulbs in darts area 14. Repaired tiles in Men’s toilets 15. Varnished five benches and cleaned plaques 16. Re-fitted handrail on main steps 17. Bolted down standing ash trays 18. Painted parapet and wall of Clubhouse 19. Built new bag holder outside main club door 20. Fixed door jam in President’s Lounge 21. Bryan Watts tidied up main display areas in terms of photographs and filed old NOW’s The Dressing Rooms 22.Painted main upstairs dressing room – both walls and floor 23. Disposed of old carpet 24. Rubbed down and painted shower area 25. Erected Directional Board outside Squash courts and numbered dressing rooms accordingly 26. Fixed OWA roundel above door in Squash courts 27. Moved all wood required for making new benches to 1st floor 28. Painted downstairs dressing room floors Squash Courts 29. Cleaned out courts 30. Touched up paint in courts where necessary 31.Painted Squash and Referee’s changing room 32. PCV’d glass area 33. Re-pointed outside gallery 34. Secured handrail in Squash courts Tennis 35.Repaired perimeter fence 36.Installed Perspex in hut 37.Installed new lights in hut 38.Put in new support beams in hut 39.Felted part of hut roof 40.Heightened ball-stop fence 41.Teak oiled ceiling of hut 42.Cleared area beside pathway to courts and painted with fluorescent yellow paint 43.Hut porch and decking painted Cricket 43.Put on covers 44.Put up old Nets 45.Painted sightscreen slats 46.Painted boundary boards 47.Rolled square – two days 48.Laid down two drop down colts wickets 49.Prepared score-box and Repeater board for new season and painted Repeater board legs The Ground 51.Filled the skip 52.Vranished sleepers 53.Cleared drains 54.Painted new 20 foot container green 55.Tarred speed bumps and repaired pot holes 56.Prepared and installed new Members and Visitors signs regarding not parking in Hayes Hill 57.Replaced signs that were removed when new fence was being installed 58.Cleaned debris left by contractors in main road 59.Re-made new car park railings and rubbed down and painted and repaired steps 60.Washed down flag pole 61.Made up new trolley 62.Trimmed overhanging branches from Wickham Park’s ground 63.Generally tidied gardens and pots and watered window boxes 64.Re-cycled waste to local trip A PARTICIPANT’S VIEW The ‘relative’ peace of a Friday afternoon is suddenly shattered by the emission of some strange sounds, a mixture of religious chanting, hip hop and rap. This threat to noise pollution seems to be emanating from a slight figure in a white t-shirt, wearing the strangest of wigs. Even more disturbingly he appears to be sitting astride the heavy roller in the middle of our cricket square, which could do the latter a great deal of harm. It certainly is not the best place for an audition for X Factor auditions. On closer inspection this slight figure turns out to be ‘Mitch’, who has been given a master-class in roller management by grounds-man Colin. “It’s very hard work”, observes Laki, who has also tried his hand at this particular skill. On a day that coincided with the funeral of Malcolm McClaren, at which people were encourage to ‘make a noise’, ‘Mitch’ was simply showing his respect. Oh Mitch, you’re so pretty, oh so pretty (not sure where this is going) vacant (ah; now I understand). It is the Friday of ‘Club Force’, and the advance party have started on this three day event – nothing to do with show jumping. The Clubhouse floor has been varnished, only for Alex Forbes to put his big, muddy, shoes on the pristine surface. John Martin is working quietly behind the bar, other than for the occasional loud noises that are essential for a skilled plumber to ply his trade. There are not many people we would trust to be behind the bar on their own, but John is one of life’s gentlemen. There is a sudden loud noise as John trips over Ian Forbes, who has been lying fast asleep since the previous evening, albeit still with glass in hand. Jane, sporting a 2008 Natwest t-shirt - Hadley Freeman would not be impressed – is preparing the wall outside for its annual re-paint, ably assisted by Caroline. The container adjacent to Colin’s bungalow is being painted a deep green and the casual observer is reminded of a scene from the Ragged Trousered Philanthropists Bill ‘phones the man who has promised to come and move the large container, but he never arrives The bell rings and it is time for lunch, superbly cooked by Jill Forbes – after an initial problem with lighting the oven – whilst Lynn Pilgrim has been serving bacon rolls and cups of tea all morning Friday gives way to Saturday and even more people arrive, 86 being the final official total Mark Mace prunes the trees over-hanging from Wickham Park before he, and many others, go off to represent the OW;s on the playing fields of Eton, or wherever they were playing football that afternoon. The frames of the cricket covers acquire said covers, the Nets are erected, the sight-screens and boundary boards are painted. The front of the pavilion regains its sparkling red quality, the flag- pole is cleaned, the tennis and squash courts are given a lift and Lynn provides more bacon rolls and cups of tea and Jill another excellent lunch. Clive quotes Roger McGough as he scuttles around the skirting boards Much work is done on the gardens, the steps in the car park are re-enforced with concrete and everyone quickly finds another job when the drains are mentioned The 1st and 9th X1s, playing at Hawesdown, return from the game, the 1’s with a 4-1 victory that ensure their First Division status, the 9’s after a 2-0 defeat but still safe in the knowledge that they will finish above the 8th XI. Sunday comes and more people arrive to complete the tasks – well over 100 different people have taken part over the three days according to the official statistics. The Old Wilsonians have triumphed again and the annual spring cleaning has been completed and we can all look forward to another year in which we can enjoy our respective sports – either by playing or watching – or simply enjoying a drink in a convivial atmosphere and surroundings. After all, those responsible are the most convivial of individuals and exactly the sort of people you would wish to play football, cricket, tennis, squash and racquet ball with and enjoy a drink. The whole event has been magnificently orchestrated by Ian Forbes, Graham Watts has ticked off the jobs completed – and Mike Harris – with élan, but the real brains behind the operation has been, as ever, Paul Jenkins. As well as the phenomenal skills he brings to the event, Paul has a barrel load of patience, always responding kindly and politely to even the most irritating of requests from the less talented. He always appreciates everyone’s input and seems to enjoy calling his helpers “Boys”, a particularly endearing quality to those of us of a certain age. “Times they are a changin'' as Bobbo sang and they are at a pace. The Bar Committee continue to give us the financial stability from which we can build and thanks to John , Gerry and the team for their continued success. A few highlights of the last few months: Clubforce weekend was again a phenomenal success with over 100 of our members from doing much needed jobs around the clubhouse & ground. It was great to see different subsidiary members working as one, whilst laughing and joking. The club was alive and buzzing , in my eyes exactly what we are about at this moment. Thanks go to Paul Jenkins & Ian Forbes for planning & running the weekend so successfully. The fencing as you drive up Hayes Hill has been replaced so they match our electronic gates (thanks to Yogi for sorting this out). OW Gardening club who meet regularly on Mondays and make such a great difference to our ground (if you fancy participating contact Micky Pilgrim or Bill Hartley). The Old Wilsonians Golf Society goes from strength to strength under the guidance of Barnes Clanachan and I believe there is a match play competition throughout the summer. Now the last 6 months seem sedate compared to what we are looking to achieve in the next half year plus who is running the different projects: Apply and get CASC status (means we will have an 80% discount on our rates)- Mark Mace. 25 year agreement with Hawes Down & Glebe School (the school just over the railway bridge by our entrance). We use this facility at this moment for football, but should in the longer run use it for cricket to - Neil Kendrick. Nets & Playground - this has been deferred by the council planning committee as they wish to see both the residents and our concerns - hopefully once we have answered all concerns this will be given the green light - Doug Forbes & Micky Pilgrim. Memorial Balcony - We are putting in sliding doors which will open up the bar to the balcony (phase 1), phase 2 will be to extend the balcony out another metre or so you can enjoy a drink al fresco. All this is being funded outside the club by a fundraising team led by Andy Steel & Bill Sloane. The next event is a climb up Ben Nevis where 20 people are taking a hike to the top of the mountain. So if you fancy sponsoring one of these please contact either Bill or Andy. Replacing our old boiler with one that can accommodate 8 teams at home on a Saturday (our old one is unable to cope and is on its last legs). Followed with an extension to the men's showers once we get planning permission. (Malcolm Taylor & myself) Resurface the tennis courts(Clive Prince & his committee) Cricket square to be levelled an reinstated (Neil Kendrick) Website finally going live (Jim Lloyd) Our first ever club captains celebration with young Graham Watts celebrating his night with an Abba tribute band. Finally a 5 year plan as we continue to plan for the future How lucky are we as an organisation that we have so many good people helping us to evolve at pace - long may it last! So if you haven't been up the club for a year or two it worth a visit, hopefully see you soon. Alex Forbes OLD WILSONIANS’ ASSOCIATION President: Alex Forbes The governing body of the Association is the OWA Club and Ground Committee comprising of elected officers and members. Officers and members of the Club and Ground Committee: Alex Forbes President Mick Pilgrim Immediate Past President / Joint Ground Manager Andy Smith Hon Secretary Ian Pilgrim Vice Chairman Council Nick Mole Hon Treasurer Dave McCarthy Hon Auditor Mike Pike Hon Registrar Malcolm Taylor Hon Editor NOW Ozy Akkaya Hon Solicitor Jasper Gundry-White Sports Club Secretary Mike Pike Cricket Club Representative Malcolm Boxall Football Club Representative Bill Hartley Squash/Racquet Ball Club Representative Clive Prince Tennis Club Representative Neil Kendrick Joint Ground Manager Paul Jenkins Building Manager Gerry Adams Bar Management Team John Drabwell Bar Management Team Ian Pilgrim Bar Management Team Andy Parkinson School Liaison Officer Jamie Parkinson School Liaison Officer Damien Charnock School Headmaster OLD WILSONIANS’ LODGE No 6602 Founded 1948 2009/11 Master: Robert Cullen The Old Wilsonians’ Lodge was formed in 1948 for the benefit of the Old Wilsonians and Wilson’s School. The Lodge is open to Old Boys, Master of the School, Parents of Old Boys and Friends of Old Wilsonians. The Lodge meets four times a year in January, July, June and October at Mark Mason’s Hall in St James’s, London. The Lodge had a successful Open Meeting on 4th March attended by around 50 members and non-masonic guests followed by an excellent meal with entertainment from a comedian and conjurer. The raffle raised over £200 for Children with Leukemia supported by the current Master, Rob Cullen who along with Greg Kirby is running the London Marathon for this charity and the Mayor of Southwark’s Common Good Trust respectively. We hope to have at least one joining member in Rob Downey and a new candidate as a direct result of this meeting. Contact: Lodge secretary: John Wallington 01322 348 966 for further details NORMAN'S CORNER Norman Tucker, another of our regular overseas contributor’s writes from Texas, USA These RULES came to my attention at a DBE gathering in Fort Worth, Texas, over this last week-end and I thought they might cause some amusement especially among the jocks in the sports clubs. Changing Times As with so many of us, my worldwide travels began with a school trip. Back in 1947 I was in a group trip to Paris under the leadership of Joe (Spike) Donovan, John Parr, Bert Baker with his wife, and our French guide Monsieur Misipo. I seem to remember that the entire cost, other than personal spending money, was the grand sum of 14 Pounds Sterling. That included train and ferry fares and our room and board at the Lycee Henri-Quatre close by the Gare St Lazare. What a great introduction to the big wide world. Two weeks in a foreign country so early into the recovery from WWII. Since those days I have had the greatest pleasure in worldwide travels, accumulating some 45 countries in total through National Service, business, and pleasure. Furthermore my wife, Angela, has had the opportunity to be with me in all my journeying since about 1980. She has taken advantage of that time to visit many places that I never did, nor will have time to go back to, and has been cared for by so many generous people in those foreign lands. Times change and the shoe is now on the other foot. Angela has for the last 30+ years been a Daughter of the British Empire in the United States of America. The organization is country wide and was founded in 1909 in New York to serve and protect the English nannies who were too impoverished or unwell to care for themselves, or to return to England. Today the DBE supports 4 nursing homes, one in each of the States of New York, Illinois, California, and Texas. Angela has served in many capacities, including National Board positions, and has just taken office in the State of Texas. Needless to say my travels are now in support of my dear lady. Angela’s responsibilities encompass arranging for Texas State Conventions through each of the next 4 years. Already we have driven over 500 miles in the last week on this task, and she has outline plans for at least the next 3 years. Tomorrow we are off to one of the original German settlements about 100 miles west of Austin hopefully to fill in some more of the blanks. Now I am the chauffeur and bag carrier. Times have changed!! Angela was elected to her position only yesterday at the State annual convention in Fort Worth, Texas, about 200 miles north of Austin. My job was to carry her there and back, pay the bills, pick up all the heavy boxes of State files, speak nicely to all the ladies, and generally be an upstanding S.O.B. (Son of Britain). Most of all I was left to look after my own time, meals, and amusement. Among the goodies handed to each participant was this explanation of the “Rules”. I trust our male readers will agree that from time to time it is good for our soul to be reminded of our position. For those who are, or have been, married, these reminders will reinforce the status quo, and for those who are yet to be joined in matrimony may they serve as a caution against the perils below the horizon. The Rules. 1. Only the Female makes the Rules. 2. The Rules are subject to change without prior notice. 3. No Male can possibly know all the Rules. 4. If a Female suspects that a Male knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some of the Rules. 5. The Female is never wrong. 6. If the Female is wrong it is due to a misunderstanding and is the direct result of something the Male has done. The Male must immediately apologize for causing the said misunderstanding. 7. The Female is allowed to change her mind at a whim and for no reason. The Male even if he cannot perceive the necessity for a change of mind must nevertheless be supportive thereof. 8. If the Female suspects that the Male might have an inkling of why she changed her mind, she must forthwith change her mind again. 9. The Male is not allowed to change his mind without the express written consent of the Female, 10. The Female has the right to be angry or upset at any time or at any place. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants or needs him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants or needs him to be angry or upset. 13. The Female is ready when she is ready. 14. The Male must be ready at all times. 15. Any attempt by the Male to change or to discuss the Rules will thereby upset the Female and could cause him grievous bodily harm. 16. The Male who has the temerity to not abide by the Rules, or who cannot take the heat, does perforce lack a backbone and is, of direct consequence, a wimp! 17. If the Female has PMS, each of the Rules, other than Rules 1 through 5, is null and void. I have yet to discover whether or not the rules were put to the vote at the Convention, and if they were whether or not they were voted upon by secret ballot, a show of hands, or by acclamation. Above all one must remember a toast that I heard and enjoyed so frequently in times long passed: “To the ladies, the work of the Great Architect. No man should be without a copy.” Norman Tucker, Austin, Texas. March 14, 2010. SPORTS CLUB DATES WEDNESDAY May 12th OLD WILSONIANS’ LUNCHEON SOCIETY (OWLS) IP suggested the name. This is an attempt to get some use of the club at times when it would not normally be used. Each month we will hold a lunch and have a few drinks to while away the time as the majority of attendees are no longer working! Each month we have a guest chef – Bill Hartley, Jill Forbes, Gerry Adams takes us through to May. Any volunteers to cook for any month gratefully accepted as will anyone who will man the bar for the lunchtime. SATURDAY MAY 15th POKER NIGHT Poker Night provisionally booked by the OWCC. SUNDAY JUNE 6th GEORGE RICE TROPHY This starts at 2.00pm with tea provided. MONDAY JUNE 7th FOLKESTONE LADIES DAY MEETING We are contemplating hiring a coach and attending the Folkestone Ladies Day meeting. If interested let Mike Pilgrim know on 0208.402.0002. TUESDAY JUNE 8th OWLS LUNCH OWLS Lunch at Club 12.30 for 1.00pm SATURDAY JUNE 12th WORLD CUP GAME England v USA at club 8.30pm kick off FRIDAY JUNE 18th WORLD CUP GAME England v Algeria at club 8.30pm kick off WEDNESDAY JUNE 23rd WORLD CUP GAME England v Slovenia at club kick off 4.00pm SATURDAY JUNE 26th OWCC RACE NIGHT OWCC Race Night with 8/9 races, Tote betting and if England qualify as winners of their group in the World Cup you can watch them play at the same time. A family occasion all welcome and make a profit on the evening. SATURDAY JULY 10th TENNIS CLUB OPEN TOURNAMENT Tennis Club Open Tournament starts at noon. SUNDAY JULY 11th BIG SCREEN WORLD CUP FINAL Big Screen World Cup Final at Club if enough interest – possibly used throughout World Cup WEDNESDAY JULY 14th OWLS LUNCH OWLS Lunch at Club 12.30 for 1.00pm (Guest Chef required) SUNDAY JULY 18th OWCC PRESIDENTS DAY OWCC Presidents Day at Club – Ian Pilgrim is President this year and invites all OW’s to join him on the day to watch cricket and meet up with old friends and acquaintances. Bar opens from noon and food provided. MONDAY JULY 19th – FRIDAY JULY 23rd CRICKET WEEK Cricket Week starts with games each day and bar open from noon each day. There will be lunches available on the Wednesday and Friday. SATURDAY JULY 24th BARBECUE “Pay Yer Balance Barbie “at the Club. This is for members going to Barbados in the autumn turn up to pay their outstanding amounts due. Irrespective if you are going or not everyone is welcome. SUNDAY JULY 25th TENNIS SECTION VERSUS FOOTBALL CLUB CHALLENGE Tennis section versus Football Club Challenge match starts at 2.00pm. This event has been going a few years now and is highly competitive – well worth a watch ! SATURDAY AUGUST 7th AMERICAN TOURNAMENT WITH BBQ Tennis Club hold their American Tournament together with a BBQ – competition starts at 2.00pm. SUNDAY AUGUST 8th OWFC 5-A-SIDE COMPETITION Annual OWFC 5-a-side competition with a multitude of OW’s and others getting their sides together. Organised by Mike Pilgrim and if you want to put a team together let him know on 0208.402.0002 WEDNESDAY AUGUST 11th OWLS LUNCH OWLS Lunch at Club 12.30 for 1.00pm (guest Chef required) TUESDAY AUGUST 31st TENNIS CLUB LADIES CHARITY TOURNAMENT Tennis Club Ladies hold a Inter-Club Charity Tournament. FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 3rd OWA CLUB CAPTAIN DINNER & CABARET EVENING The OWA Club Captain Dinner & Cabaret Evening in a marquee at the club. Graham Watts this year’s Club Captain is organising a Dinner/Cabaret with an Abba Tribute theme. Tickets from Bryan or Graham Watts at £35 per head. SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 11th OWCCC COLTS AWARDS OWCCC Colts Awards Evening at Club TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 14th OWLS LUNCH OWLS Lunch at Club 12.30 for 1.00pm SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 18th OWCC SENIORS AWARDS DINNER OWCC Seniors Awards Dinner TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 21st OWCC AGM OWCC Annual General Meeting @ 8.00 at club FRIDAY OCTOBER 1st TENNIS CLUB AUTUMN SOCIAL EVENING Tennis Club Autumn Social Evening at the Club starting at 7.30pm MONDAY OCTOBER 11th BARBADOS TICKET COLLECTION Barbados ticket collection and final briefing at the club from 7.30pm WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 13th OWLS OWLS Lunch at Club 12.30 for 1.00pm (Guest Chef required) FRIDAY OCTOBER 16th TENNIS CLUB QUIZ EVENING The ever popular Tennis Club Quiz Evening starting at Club at 7.30pm TUESDAY OCTOBER 19th –TUESDAY NOVEMBER 2nd THE OWCC SUMMER TOUR OWCC Summer tour to Barbados flying with Virgin Airlines from London Gatwick. For more details contact Graham Watts 0n 0208.698.1134, 07956.462685 or firstname.lastname@example.org TUESDAY NOVEMBER 2nd TENNIS CLUB AGM Tennis Club Annual General Meeting at Club from 8.00pm WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 10th OWLS LUNCH OWLS Lunch at Club 12.30 for 1.00pm NOVEMBER 19th OWA PRESIDENTS’ LADIES NIGHT OWA Presidents’ Ladies Night at Bromley Court Hotel 7. 00 for 7.30pm. A three course meal plus disco. Take your Ladies out for putting up with all the OWA events they have allowed you to attend during the year. TUESDAY DECEMBER 7th OWLS LUNCH OWLS Lunch at Club 12.30 for 1.00pm SUNDAY DECEMBER 12th TENNIS CLUB CHRISTMAS TOURNAMENT Tennis Club hold Christmas Tournament followed by mulled wine and mince pies starts 10.30am TUESDAY DECEMBER 14th OWA AGM OWA Annual General Meeting at the Club 8.00pm start. This is the most important meeting of the year when you find out the financial situation the Club is in and have the opportunity to vote on many important issues. SUNDAY DECEMBER 19th OWA CHILDREN’S PARTY OWA Children’s party with a special appearance by Father Christmas. Party starts at 4.30pm FRIDAY DECEMBER 24th CHRISTMAS EVE GET TOGETHER Christmas Eve Get Together at the club 4.00 – 9.00pm. All welcome. Let me know of any events that are being held that I have missed or you have just organised and I will add it into the next newsletter to let members know what is happening and get those dates into their diaries. Ian Forbes (0208.647.7933) or email@example.com CRICKET CLUB Preparation is the key It is not only Boy Scouts who need to be prepared, for those who play the game of cricket should also use this mantra, so the good attendance at pre-season Nets should have boded well for the months to come. It is a little disappointing, therefore, to report that four of our five Saturday sides were well beaten, the exception being Laki’s 3 rd XI, who stormed to a 160 run victory over Blackheath Select, on the first day of the season. Hopefully this was only a temporary blip and the other sides will follow this excellent example. All four Sunday games, involving two senior sides and two colts, fell victims to the atrocious weather that welcomed Bank Holiday Sunday. This newsletter now becomes a regular monthly publication, after its sporadic appearance during the winter, and, from the June issue , we will be bringing you a full round-up of results and match reports, which is where you come in. Your editor will attempt to put brief reports of all of the senior games on the respective websites, and send to our own splendid version updated regularly by Caroline, and send them to the local press – happy to also do for the Colts sides, but you will have to supply me with the relevant details. However, if you require a more detailed analysis which, hopefully, you do, then you will have to do so yourselves. I look forward to receiving your views and sparkling prose. Alex Forbes has already set the standard by submitting a report of the 4th XI’s game against Bexley Park. The pre-season get together was a lively affair, excellently hosted by President Ian Pilgrim, where the talk, as ever, was about the season to come. We can all talk a good game, and let’s hope we can fulfill all the aspirations which were expected on April 16 th. The following week saw our annual Club Force (three day) weekend and, as always, an enormous amount of work was done – more details later. Over 100 members from the various subsidiaries took part, and thanks to each and every one of them. We can always do with more, of course, so if you have not participated over the years, please think seriously about doing so next time for, and, as the saying goes, ‘many hands make light work.’ (Seem to recall that there is a particularly bad joke to that effect, which is available on demand.) On April 29th a delegation of Old Wilsonians attended Bromley Council’s Planning Committee meeting to bat on behalf of our application to erect four brand new Nets on the Association’s recently acquired piece of land from Ex-Blues. Chairman Doug Forbes led the delegation and put our views clearly and succinctly. We had some opposition from the residets of Pickhurst Rise, who have some concerns as the Nets will be adjacent to their back gardens. The committee decided to defer the decision and will now spend more time with ourselves and the residents in an effort to ensure that both parties are happy with the eventual outcome. There is no doubt that this can be achieved but, at the moment, the situation is a little disappointing and it now seems unlikely that the Nets will be operational until next season. As ever the Club are always looking for volunteers to umpire, score and provide teas, without whom the game would be very difficult, if not impossible, to play. There is a payment for those prepared to volunteer, so don’t be shy and let us know. Sainsbury's are once again offering customers Active Kids vouchers and, due to the fact that we are Club marked, Old Wilsonians can join in with this scheme and redeem them for sports equipment. Please save any vouchers that you receive and hand them to Caroline Maxwell or Ian Pilgrim, or simply put them in the boxes provided at the Club – nothing could be simpler. Finally good luck to each and every one of you during the summer, whether you are playing, umpiring, scoring, providing the teas or simply watching the game. Mike Pike FOOTBALL CLUB END OF SEASON REPORT On the pitch the club has had a difficult season. Most of the end of season summaries at the club dinner started “we find ourselves in a relegation battle”. The club is struggling with regular availability. This means that teams are rarely the same and it is difficult to build up any sort of team spirit. I think things can improve but we need an influx of good quality but more importantly committed players who will play most weeks wherever their team are playing. The committee are looking at ways to ensure that this will happen The 1XI had a tough season but ultimately survived comfortably buoyed by an excellent finish to the season. Again availability caused a problem. Early in the season defensively we were iffy but after Christmas the team defensively was excellent. Early on we created lots of chances but struggled to find the back of the net but again later on in the season this changed. We lost in the semi final of the OBC to Old Parmiterians the eventual winners and the highlight has to be the 4-1 thrashing of eventual champions Nottsborough. This league is very tight and we have the ability to do very well in it. A couple of extra players and a better attitude to training will help. Captain Jamie Parkinson picked up player of the year after a string of solid performances. Special mentions must go to Andy Parkinson x 2, Stuart McBride and Sam Wilson who was just pipped to the award. Jon Howe had a good season and only missed 1 game and Oz Akkaya was excellent at the business end of the season. The 2XI finished one off the relegation, albeit they never looked like going down. Again they struggled to get a settled side but when they had what would be a usual 2’s side they did very well. Highlight of the season would have to be the AFA cup run in which Winchmore Hill were dispatched and winning at eventual champions Alleyn Old Boys 1-0. Player of the year was The 3Xi under the guidance of new skipper Aaron Newble had a mixed season. Early on they were challenging but the finished 4 from bottom. Aaron had trouble getting people to travel and this is something the club must address. The started the season by smashing eventual champions Old Esthamians 7-3 but never really reached those heights again. Having said that they also did the double over AFA champions Old Stationers. Again like many teams with the right players available they can be very good. Player of the year went to Tom Harper The 4Xi were unfortunately relegated despite a good start and end to the season. Under Yuved Bheenick they won their first four games and had a very good AFA cup run but unfortunately they will be in the same league as the 5’s next year. They should look to win this league and get themselves back to where they belong. Young keeper Callum Steele won player of the year and later made his debut for the 1’s against Old Owens doing very well The 5xi had a solid season finishing a creditable 5th. They also had a great start winning their first 4 games. They then lost their next 7 and this stopped any promotion chance. They came back strong to finish 5th. Player of the year was Charlie Manning who continues to impress. The 6xi and 7xi were in the same league and the fixture list meant they played each other in their first 2 games. Each team won once. Unfortunately the 7xi were relegated and the 6xi finished 2 places above them. These 2 sides seemed to be the sides that really struggled for numbers. Ed Hindley won the 6xi POTY and schoolboy James Croft picked up the 7xi award. The 7’s did well to reach the OBC semi final but unfortunately lost out to Old Parmiterians in extra time. The 8xi and 9xi were also in the same league and the 9xi were very happy to finish 8 points ahead of their rivals. The 8’s finished 1 off the bottom and the 9’s 2 places better off. Player of the year for the 8’s was Simon Kidd and the 9’s was Neville Spencer. Both sides will look for an improvement next season. Sam Wilson from the 1xi picked up the young player of the year award. Jamie Parkinson was clubman and Mike Pike picked up the Clarke Quarrington award for his continued work on the newsletter. Off the pitch the club has gone from strength to strength. The poker night was again hugely successful and the togger was also a good money maker. Richard Smart just pipped the Parkinson brother’s to the title. Various golf days have also raised much needed funds. Other events could still do with better support. The race night being a good example of this. The bar takings continue to rise due to playing at Hawes Down and these facilities improve dramatically every season. The new website brings exciting times for the club and hopefully will open some new avenues. Thanks must go to Jim Lloyd for this. A number of footballers were in attendance at the Natwest Club Force Weekend and lots of useful jobs have been done. Thanks go to the Steele family for the work they have done on the upstairs changing rooms. Thanks must go to the hard working committee especially the Chairman Barnes Clanachan who has led the team well in his first year. Next year we must continue with all the hard work put in by the committee and captains and in time more successful finishes will come. Here’s to a successful 2010/ 2011 season Jamie Parkinson GOLF SOCIETY – BOURNER JUG 2010 Apologies for not getting this out sooner but I have only just retrieved the cards from the golf club. Congratulations to Richard Smart who is the new Bourner Jug champion racking up an incredible 40 points in what were at times some fairly horrific conditions. Also very well done to Malcolm Boxall who put finally put together a very good round culminating in 37 points and second place, narrowly outscoring Chris Cowell and Paul Jenkins by just the one point (Chris nicking the third spot on countback). Mr Jenkins can take some solace in winning the nearest the pin competition, and Nick Fuller took the Longest Drive with an absolute corker by all accounts. Personally, I got off to a cracking start being one under after two, then teed off on the third and suddenly was not!!! For your amusement I have attached all the final scores from our day at Tyrells Wood, and also those from last year should you wish to compare. I have even put together a total score over the two years for you as I am sure the handicap committee will find this very useful! (Anything over 64 would suggest a slight adjustment is necessary) I would just like to extend my great thanks to Ian Forbes and Malcolm Boxall great support helping to organize the whole affair, your help has been invaluable. Also a big thank you to Will Bennett who acted as bookie on behalf of the Football Club. Many thanks must also go to all of you too for your generosity in helping to raise £1,105.00 for the club which will help go towards some much needed renovations at Hayes. I hope you all very much enjoyed the day despite the downpour we had to endure, your company as always well excellent and it has been a pleasure to organize . Barnes Clanachan Bourner Jug 2010 Name Handicap Points Scored Result Longest Drive Nearest Pin Richard Smart 11 40 1st 2009 Malcolm Boxall 19 37 2nd Paul Jenkins 19 36 2010 Chris Cowell 18 36 3rd Fred Brindle 24 34 Andy Donnelly 22 34 Graeme Carruth 22 33 Jim Matthews 24 32 John Matthews 13 31 Ben Cook 22 31 Barnes Clanachan 16 31 Andy Smith 17 31 Nick Billing 22 30 Jim Lloyd 28 30 Chris Kennedy 28 30 Andy Flood 15 30 Paul Sherwin 24 29 Jason Trout 14 29 Will Bennett 4 28 Steve Donnelly 28 28 Praveen Panciker 21 28 Mark Collins 18 28 Jon Mole 28 28 Nick Fuller 18 27 2010 Doug Smart 18 27 Chris Billing 28 27 Andy Kirchin 14 27 Terry Adams 23 26 2009 Julian Rozario 22 26 Jon Cole 20 26 Phil Duckworth 22 25 Neil Ashworth 21 24 Dan Harris 28 24 Pat Ducasse 28 22 Malcoln Taylor 24 22 Nick Mole 28 21 Matt Hallett 28 21 Mark Mace 28 20 Adam Goddard 28 20 Ben Rushworth 23 19 Ed Hindley 28 17 2009 Results All Time Leaderboard Name Points Scored Chris Cowell 71 Jim Matthews 35 Richard Smart 68 Chris Cowell 35 Fred Brindle 68 Andy Donnelly 34 Andy Donnelly 68 Terry Adams 34 Jim Matthews 67 Fred Brindle 34 Paul Jenkins 64 Steve Donnelly 34 Barnes Clanachan 64 Barnes Clanachan 33 Jim Lloyd 63 Mark Collins 33 Steve Donnelly 62 Will Bennett 33 Malcolm Boxall 61 Neil Poynter 33 Will Bennett 61 Jim Lloyd 33 Mark Collins 61 Mark Mace 32 Ben Cook 60 Andy Kirchin 31 Terry Adams 60 Malcolm Smart 29 Andy Smith 58 Julian Rosario 29 Andy Kirchin 58 Nick Mole 29 Paul Sherwin 57 Neil Ashworth 29 Andy Flood 55 Ben Cook 29 Julian Rozario 55 Richard Smart 28 Chris Kennedy 54 Paul Jenkins 28 Nick Fuller 54 Paul Sherwin 28 Neil Ashworth 53 Andy Smith 27 Mark Mace 52 Nick Fuller 27 Chris Billing 50 Chris Kennedy 26 Nick Mole 50 Adam Goddard 26 Adam Goddard 46 Andy Flood 25 Ben Rushworth 43 Alex Philips 25 Matt Hallett 40 Malcolm Boxall 24 Ed Hindley 34 Andy Fox 24 Graeme Carruth 33 Ben Rushworth 24 John Matthews 31 Steve Holmes 24 Nick Billing 30 Chris Billings 23 Jason Trout 29 Hugh McGeever 22 Malcolm Smart 29 Matt Hallett 19 Praveen Panciker 28 Andy Marshall 17 Jon Mole 28 Ed Hindley 17 Doug Smart 27 Brian Stapleton 14 Jon Cole 26 Will Hodges 12 Phil Duckworth 25 Alex Philips 25 Dan Harris 24 Andy Fox 24 Steve Holmes 24 Pat Ducasse 22 Malcoln Taylor 22 Hugh McGeever 22 Andy Marshall 17 Brian Stapleton 14 Will Hodgess 12 SUPER DRAW WINNERS DATE No NAME PRIZE £ September 1st 12 J PUGH 170 September 15th 28 F BBRINDLE 70 October 1st 53 R BEVAN 170 October 15th 69 D STEWART 70 November 1st 54 P WAKEFORD 170 November 15th 59 I PILGRIM 70 December 1st 57 A ASHDOWN 170 December 15th 6 N BILLING 70 Please support the above by donating £12.50 monthly giving you the following chances to win: 10 Monthly draws of: £170 12 Monthly draws of: £70 2 Bi-Annual draws of £1000 Hon. Organiser: Peter Wakeford 0208 777 3879 OWA PRIZE DRAW WINNERS DATE No NAME PRIZE £ September 7th 167 T ADAMS 25 September 14th 114 NOT SOLD 25 September 21st 183 P CLASPER 25 September 28th 163 NOT SOLD 500 October 5th 146 MRS S WELLS 50 October 12th 142 J PUGH 25 October 19th 61 M ANDERSON 25 October 26th 81 S MILLWARD 25 November 2nd 106 J JENNINGS 25 November 9th 24 MRS J RICE 25 November 16th 117 A KIRCHIN 25 November 23rd 15 P RICHARDSON 25 November 30th 66 C ALDRIDGE 25 December 7th 64 P WAKEFORD 25 December 14th 43 S FORBES 50 December 21st 54 V TAYLOR 25 December 28th 140 R WARBOYS 25 Hon. Organiser: Peter Wakeford 0208 777 3879 PLEASE NOTIFY ANY CHANGE OF ADDRESS. THERE MAY BE A PRIZE WAITING!! FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE LESSON 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £500 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £500 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £500 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. LESSON 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. LESSON 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. LESSON 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story:To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. LESSON 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. LESSON 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: 1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE. A MORAL TALE! In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds. And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'. And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof. Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep- fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits. Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service. THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.: 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. ENGLISH LESSON part 1 You think English is easy??? 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ? ENGLISH LESSON part 2 You lovers of the English language might enjoy this...there is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.' It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP..When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!
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