VE R I TA S . . . or everything but
Vol. IX, Issue XVI April 1, 2010
World to end soon
Lady Gaga takes
Pope gives two thumbs up!
King Burger to By Nathan Morgan
Senior Unity Correspondent
open on campus I
n a press conference yesterday, Bridgewater Bridgewater.
College President-Elect George Cornelius Furthermore, in their discussions with students,
announced his plan to make Bridgewater College 78 percent expressed a desire for Bridgewater to be
into a satellite campus of James Madison University more like JMU in five or more ways. These ways
“RUDE” starting fall 2011
“Statistics show,” Cornelius said, “that Bridgewater
include, but are not limited to classes, general
education requirements, living accommodations,
students have been wanting this for years and I think class size, school policy, chain restaurants in library
it’s time we listen.” and school color preference.
Pages 12 Cornelius hired private investigators to interview Cornelius is not just concerned with pleasing
and observe students. These investigators revealed students; he has put serious personal consideration
that, of the college apparel worn on campus per day, into this move. He believes that this is the most
Weekend Weather 43 percent was for JMU, another 37 percent was
for Virginia Tech and a measly 12 percent was for See Page 5, JMU
Friday, April 2
Wasteful Wednesdays announced
Saturday, April 3
as a new initiative in KCC
Blizzard By Bryan Staudt
Senior KCC correspondent
hartwells announced this weekend that Since then, rumors have spread about the
Low: -97° it will proceed with the next phase of its implementation of other themed days. Starting
implementation of themed days in the next week, vegetarian students will rejoice as
Sunday, April 4 Main Dining Hall. Meatless Mondays are introduced.
In an effort to conserve energy and water, “We considered replacing meat on Mondays
Summer Weather Chartwells introduced Trayless Tuesdays at the with healthier options such as fruits and
High: 112° beginning of the fall semester this year. Every vegetables,” director of dining services, J Young,
Low: 50° Tuesday, Bridgewater does its part to help save the
environment by keeping trays stashed away. See Page 5, WEDNESDAY
CONTENTS Editorial • 2 | NEws • 4 | FEaturEs • 6 | Politics • 8 | ENtErtaiNmENt • 10 | sPorts • 12 | veritas.bridgewater.edu
Vol. IX, Issue XVI
Letter From the Editor
By Bethany Funkhouser
Senior Senior Crayon Correspondent
April Fool’s! Enjoy a
festive coloring page. Turn
your finished product into
the Veritas, Mailbox 90.
We just might print the
most creative submission
in our next issue. Or, you
can cut it out to stick on a
V E R I TA S
Desk O’ Drew
Bethany Funkhouser | das Führer
Nathan Morgan | War Monger
Taylor Dukehart | Tetris Master!
Alisha Mitchell | spells real purty
J. Adam Craig | The Other Bearded Kid
Chris Radke | Jock Hello all, office which were filled with incriminating evidence.
Dustin Dedrick | That kid Withrow continued that the tapes were not covered
Anna Clements | Paper cut expert Welcome to another edition of “From the Desk of by “executive privilege” and that I could not, even if
the President.” This week I would like to talk about I really wanted to, make him resign as a result of his
Cassandra Brown | Senior Awesome Correspondent resigning. After a long, drawn out battle in the decision. The decision did hold however, that I was
Carly McAlister | Senior Lettuce Correspondent
Hunter Miller |
Honor council, the recount issue from last year’s allowed to call him mean names which I chose to do
Senior Food Correspondent
Danielle Offman | Senior Caribou Correspondent
student body president race has finally been decided. in an extremely loud and disrespectful manner.
Madeline Pillow | Senior Fabulous Correspondent For those of you that don’t know, the election last I would like to take this opportunity to clear my
Bryan Staudt | Senior M:TG Correspondent year was disputed on the basis that my camp bussed name. I hired ALL-CORN to run my campaign
in JMU students with the help of the agency ALL- and while they may have committed actions that are
Carrie Spade | made a funny CORN. While on campus the students were given contrary to the ideals of Bridgewater College, I never
Rudbel Alfaro | Fat Cat Bridgewater email addresses and advice on how to expected any of this to come to light so I should
Shenandoah Dudley | Friend of Sarah Palin evade taxes, but most importantly encouraged and really get a break on this one.
Dana Lam | Senior Foreign Correspondent allowed to vote in our Student Body elections. With all of that in mind: I hereby resign the office
Caroleigh Newman | Socialist
Katelyn Stackpole |
While my representatives fought hard for me, of Student Body President.
Jessica Steury | Stool Pigeon
this week the Honor council Chair, Mike Withrow,
handed down his decision that I was in fact guilty of Sincerely,
voter fraud. In his decision, Withrow commented
Dale Harter | Apple Orchard Buddha that not only had I engaged in voter fraud with the Andrew T. Kirkner
Mission Statement help of ALL-CORN, my administration was also P.S. I am not a crook
guilty of withholding audio tapes from the student
Veritas aims to provide an accurate sampling of
noteworthy information relevant to the Bridgewater
community. In keeping with the College’s overall
pursuit of excellence, the purpose of Veritas is to give
both practical experience to its student participants
and provide a high quality newspaper on campus.
Campus Box 90
EDITORIAL April 1, 2010
These are a few of my favorite things
Senior Conspiracy Correspondent
I know that many of you think I’m a athletic program and a meal source, I focus Instead of focusing on the Honor
sour person, but you really ought to know on how having the stables is like having a Council’s storm troopers and execution
that there are many things I love. Take, for petting zoo on campus. squads used to curb cheating with extreme
instance, this time of year. It is my absolute Instead of focusing on how the ghost of prejudice, I focus on our upstanding
favorite. Cole Hall got zapped by a proton pack after citizenship.
I may be our staff conspiracy theorist, but terrorizing us for decades, I focus on how Instead of focusing on the fact that the
I don’t even think this school is all bad. Every much fun it is to go to plays. chicken trucks that drive by will probably
place has its seedy underbelly, even Disney. Instead of focusing on the grease pooling give us bird, swine and squirrel flu, I focus on
But it’s never good to focus solely on the bad. at the bottom of my tray from the Nest, I how readily the Nest is able to get us chicken
That leads to bitterness. Instead of focusing focus on the fact that I can now lubricate my tenders.
on how Disney used the blood of third-world car door. Instead of focusing on the fact that there
orphans as the red pigment in many of our Instead of focusing on how Dr. Hopkins are zombies in McKinney Hall, I focus on the
favorite animated movies, I focus on how possesses the arcane secret of the brown note, fact that my shotgun is always nearby.
much fun those movies are. I focus on our wonderful concerts. Instead of focusing on how PDP . . .
I hope to do the same to our beloved Instead of focusing on the gnomes that well, I guess some things at this school are
Bridgewater. live in the library and gnaw on sleeping just Pretty Damn Pointless.
Instead of focusing on how Bridgewater students’ ears, I focus on staying awake and
has an equestrian program to serve as both an studying.
I’m a boy looking for a girl. She has to smell
good...I mean REALLY good. Preferably, scent
must be delicious not floral. I’m a vegetarian, but
flowers don’t appeal to me. I like running and
protecting those I love. I also really like fast cars. I
have wisdom and knowledge that exceeds what
you would expect from my youthful appearance.
Some say my eyes even change color.
Applicants must be approved of by my family,
pass a blood test, and like things that sparkle.
Your awaiting love,
Express your opinion! Veritas welcomes Op-Eds and Letters to the Editor on any subject whether of campus, local, state, national, international or universal significance. We reserve the right to make
minimal edits for clarity and space. Send your contributions to Editor Bethany Funkhouser at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Vol. IX, Issue XVI
Local farmer donates goats to campus to trim lawn and provide KCC with milk
By Erin Cartwright
Senior Lactation Correspondent
ridgewater’s local farmer Jim McDonald is “The milk in the KCC is great,” said junior Mark
donating goats to assist maintenance with Gibbs. “I knew I could tell something was different
trimming the lawn while also supplying about it; it’s slightly sweet with a salty undertone.”
students with milk in the KCC. The goats were Bridgewater president Phillip Stone was thrilled
bought on campus during spring break in order to with the replacement of cow milk with goat milk in
keep students from alarming the goats from their the KCC. “Goat milk is a great way to get new kinds
duties. of nutrients into our students,” Stone said. “They
Maintenance wanted to participate in the “going seem to be healthier and happier than ever.”
green” movement by teaming up with a local farmer. Goat’s milk is a great source of calcium, amino
They think the use of goats is a great way to conserve acid tryptophan, protein, phosphorus, riboflavin and
energy. potassium. It is supposed to be a healthier option
“By eliminating the use of heavy machinery, we’re than cow milk. “I’ve been drinking goat milk all
reducing our carbon footprint,” said Billy Gruff, my life, and I’m glad to share it with Bridgewater
manager of maintenance staff. “These goats did an students,” McDonald said. “I just hope they enjoy it
excellent job on the lawn and we hope to bring them as much as I do.”
Student reactions to the milk seem to be positive.
Newspringclassoptions Gold texts
By Danielle Offman
By Bethany Funkhouser
Senior Travel Correspondent
Senior Capitalism Correspondent
ast week, the administration announced its to get to Anchorage. The price for the class will be he Bridgewater College bookstore announced
plan to add another spring class to the course around $2,800 in order to have enough money to Wednesday their proposal that all required
offerings. The class would give students get there and even buy some souvenirs. textbooks for the next academic year be hand
another opportunity to take classes that are not Even though it seems like a lot of money, Fleis painted and bound in gold.
normally offered during the semester, much like said he would be more than willing to pay for The less than modest nature of the proposal left
the interterm travel courses. everyone’s trip so long as they contribute at least many students enraged or confused.
This new type of class will begin in early $400 and pay for their own souvenirs. “I really “I don’t think the “Pokey Little Puppy” people
March and would last for two weeks. During think the students would benefit from this kind do physics books,” said concerned student body
this time, students will meet like a regular class of trip so I definitely don’t mind paying the president Andrew Kirkner.
for a few hours every day. Each student wishing difference,” Fleis said. He is right, of course, but by gold books the store
to participate in this new idea must have prior This generous offer was met with great does not mean Random House’s Little Golden Book
approval from their other professors. enthusiasm when it was announced at the meeting series, but rather that the current titles will be bound
The teachers will have a paper or some other where the details of the trip were discussed. Due to in an ornate, gold filigree hard cover.
assignment for each student leaving to finish, his offer, Fleis now has about 30 students signed up “Books are expensive as it is,” said America-hating
making up for the time away. So far, only one of for his class. Marxist Christy Villalobos, “won’t this make it even
these revolutionary classes is being offered: an Each student agreed to pay the minimum amount harder for certain students to purchase books?”
Alaskan cruise. and some students even offered to lighten the In fact, many students voiced concerns about the
This class will be about nature and students load that Fleis would have to pay. It was only later rise in cost. A spokesperson for the bookstore said
will be able to see all the wildlife. In Alaska, discovered that these students were joking with there will be no increase in textbook price.
the students will be able to see different kinds Fleis. Every student signed up is excited to go and “There is no need to raise the price on the part of
of whales, bald eagles and maybe even caribou. appreciative of Fleis’ generosity. the consumer,” the bookstore said in a statement
The scenery provided by the cruise will include Even though this is a trial class, the responses released on Wednesday. “Existing prices will more
gorgeous views of the mountains and different to the idea have so far been positive. The students than cover the cost, though the Bridgewater store
forests. think the class will be fun and will be a good way to may take a bit of a hit.”
Even though it is about nature the class will be break up the monotony of the semester. The statement also included three reasons for the
taught in Spanish as a way to combine different Although Fleis has been generous by paying for switch. The first reason is for the obvious aesthetic
courses in classic Bridgewater form. Charles Fleis, everyone, not every teacher will be this nice so enhancement.
assistant professor of foreign languages, will be students shouldn’t expect this if the idea becomes “We can do away with grimy, used copies entirely,”
the instructor for this class and is excited for the the norm next year. a bookstore employee pointed out. They also noted
change of pace when it comes to the trips he takes. For more information students should contact the that gold is one of the Bridgewater colors.
“I usually go to countries where it’s warmer so registrar’s office The second reason is an attempt to compete with
this is going to be a BIG change,” Fleis said. The online sales. The bookstore plans to order the books
cruise will also allow the students the chance walk from an exclusive source and in offering something
in the forests and see more of Alaska than just the hand-made, provide something students cannot get
coast. anywhere else.
A cruise to Alaska is usually $1,079 per person
for ten nights and that doesn’t include the airfare See Page 5, GOLD
NEWS April 1, 2010
From Page 1, WEDNESDAY From Page 1, JMU
said. “But we decided that the best way to help want to eat on Sundays.
academically responsible and viable course for
the environment would be to simply serve less “A lot of the cooks didn’t think it was fair that Bridgewater to take. “I mean,” Cornelius explained,
food. Fewer animals are killed, students eat less, the cleaning staff got a day off,” Jay said. “So we “JMU students are doing some really cutting-edge
everyone’s happy.” decided to create Staffless Sundays.” research into the human physiological response to
Dining services also plans to introduce Forkless Food will be left out Saturday night so that ethanol stimuli. This is the kind of stuff that makes
Fridays. “Students will have to learn how to eat students can come in any time on Sunday and Bridgewater students eager to participate and
noodles with chopsticks, I guess,” one Chartwells make their own meals. Then, once they’re done, reflect.”
cook suggested. “It will be a cultural learning they will take their plates to the wash room, Aside from social and academic concerns,
experience.” scrape them off and clean them. Cornelius believes the merger will be good for
Also starting next week will be Soapless “It might sound unpleasant,” Young said, “but I athletic reasons. He believes there will be “fruitful
Saturdays. While students may not notice an think it will give the students a better appreciation cross pollination” between the JMU and BC players.
for Chartwells. Besides, it will save the school “I hate to admit it,” Cornelius continued, ‘but
immediate difference in their dining experience
I think Duke Dog would wring Ernie the Eagle’s
on Saturdays, the cleaning staff certainly will. some serious money.”
neck in a fight, which will now be possible to watch
“Trayless Tuesdays was a huge success,” Young Perhaps the most controversial day of the week considering our new partnership.”
noted. “We wanted to find another way to save will be Wasteful Wednesdays. Young and the Cornelius said a match between the two mascots
water, so when someone suggested Soapless rest of the staff realized that people might get may be a convocation option next semester.
Saturdays, we were thrilled. Without soap, there’s tired of saving so much water. On Wednesdays, Cornelius also cited school songs as a reason for
no need to clean, and without cleaning, there’s no Chartwell’s will implement such wasteful methods the merger. “‘Madison, James Madison, We are
need for a cleaning staff, so we will just give them as throwing out untouched food and washing all the dukes of JMU,’ now that’s a straight forward
the day off.” the dishes twice. song,” Cornelius said. “Where the dickens are these
Some have already begun to speculate as to the “There are so many people that want to help ‘laughing waters’ we apparently love?”
hygiene of this concept. “Wait, they’re not going the environment on campus,” Jay said. “We didn’t The president-elect believes this will be a smooth
to clean any of the dishes Saturday?” student Tyler want to exclude the anti-environmentalists.” transition. Starting in the fall of 2010 Bridgewater
So far, students have shown mixed feelings students will be encouraged to attend social and
Broyles asked. “That’s disgusting! Can’t they at
extracurricular events on JMU’s campus to begin the
least rinse them off?” about all the new themed days. “I feel like they’re
Many are unsure of what will happen to dining trying to cater to so many types of people that In the fall of 2011, Bridgewater College will cease
on Sundays. “I will not eat off of dishes that they’re eventually going to cancel out their own to exist and the JMU Village for Liberal Arts and
have set overnight, unwashed,” Madeline Pillow efforts,” Taylor Dukehart said. “Or maybe just Peace Studies will be born.
commented. “Isn’t that some kind of health code start a riot.” “Instead of contrasting with each other,” Cornelius
violation?” And while Chartwells hasn’t announced a theme said, “I hope the two schools will be able to
Many students may be distressed to find they for Thursdays yet, many continue to hope for a complement each other, enriching the experience of
will have to wash the dishes themselves if they topless theme. all involved.”
From Page 4, GOLD
The reasoning has worked with the other
Looking for professional experience merchandise in the store. Unlike a larger, state
school that allows products with their logo to be sold
in various locations, the bookstore is the only place
able to sell Bridgewater merchandise and, therefore,
at gold-plated prices.
Come work with Veritas!
“I am a little concerned about hand painted books,
it sounds like sweatshop labor to me,” said New
Community Project affiliate and campus activist
“It was bad enough when we were cutting down
We are looking to fill various positions in all areas with all levels of expertise trees in a world where we can access just about
anything online, but this is ridiculous,” said Goss.
and commitment. The third and final reason for the switch, in the
words of the press release, was “because we [the
ALL MAJORS! NO PREREQS! bookstore] can.”
It seems that most of the textbooks used in
classrooms are required materials and must be
Some of the Possible possitions: bought, regardless of a student’s moral or economic
Copy Editors, News Editor, Features and Opinion Editor, Sports Editor, News Reporters, Feature In investigating the manufacturing process, Veritas
Writers, Sports Writers, Marketing Director, PR and Advertising Manager, Finances & Distribution discovered that a majority of the production will
Manager,Advertisementcreation,Accountant/Bookkeeper,DistributionRepresentatives,ArtDirector, take place right here on the BC campus.
Photography Editor, Photographers, Graphic/Web Designers , Illustrators, Cartoonists Students will be able to work in both the
calligraphy and creation of the pages, as well as
the spinning of gold and silk for the covers of the
Interested? Have questions? textbooks. That is, if they qualify for work-study.
This may provide yet another, though
unmentioned, benefit to the switch. Students who
Contact Dr. Bernardo H. Motta (email@example.com) have traditionally struggled to afford books in the
bookstore will now be able to deduct a small portion
of the cost by participating in the production of their
YOUR STORY, YOUR VOICE
books and thereby paying for them, quite literally,
with their arms and legs.
Vol. IX, Issue XVI
An alternative tuition The fall of the
BC endorses new payment options PDP Empire
By Taylor Dukehart By Sarah Mae’ Anderson
Senior Black Market Correspondent Senior Liberation Correspondent
ith the cost of Bridgewater’s we hopped on board the money train with et freedom ring and the Bridgewater campus
rejoice, for the shackles of the Personal
tuition rising every year, the this idea,” Miracle said. Development Portfolio have been lifted.
school has heard your cries for As for the exotic cars, “I would just Late yesterday evening, President-Elect George
help and relief ! Next really like to have a Lotus Cornelius sent out an email declaring the removal
year, tuition will be Eclipse or Ford GT40,” of the PDP program from Bridgewater College’s
accepted in illegal or Miracle said. curriculum.
prescription drugs, The college hopes Bridgewater’s current president, Phillip Stone,
guns and arms or instituting the “Modern agreed the PDP program is corrupt and “puts
exotic cars. Tuition” idea will actually entirely too much stress on the students, who are
Phillip Stone, help to decrease drug already overwhelmed with work required for their
president of problems and illegal arms courses.”
Bridgewater College, trade because the students Reflection papers and service learning, which were
and William Miracle, will be giving away the once integral parts of college life at Bridgewater, are
now a thing of the past. Beginning fall semester of
dean of students, things that create the 2010, freshmen, sophomores, juniors and seniors
agree that this type Photo courtesy of Internet
problems. will not be subjected to the PDP program any more.
of payment is more Ford GT40 in Gulf Colors. Dean Miracle’s
While most of the college Incoming freshmen will not enroll in PDP 150,
applicable to our preferred color combination.
supports this movement, and they will be spared the tasks of “reflecting”
times. “Students there are some naysayers. on the changes and development they undergo.
have easy access to “I just do not think it is Sophomores and juniors will no longer have to meet
all of these items, so we thought that we good to encourage this type of behavior with their advisors and discuss what they think
might as well and obsession Bridgewater has taught them.
accept what with material Most of all the seniors will be relieved of writing
the students goods,” said Steve a PDP Final Reflective Essay, including supporting
have, rather Watson, associate materials, a cover letter, resume and service learning
than always professor of documentation, which were all former requirements
for graduation. Sadly the class of 2010 did not
demanding philosophy and fall under this new decree and current seniors are
money,” Stone religion. irritated.
said. Next year, the “I feel like PDP is a conspiracy, the senior essay
The concept college expects makes you suck up to Bridgewater so you can leave,”
of “Modern tuition to be paid says Yasmien Al-Said, a current senior.
Tuition” on time and in In the midst the seniors’ grief, the upcoming
derives from the new currency. seniors have already started to plan how they will
the increase Or Else. Good spend the time they would have been spending on
in illicit drug luck kids! PDP.
use and illegal “I will definitely have more time to spend on my
Photo courtesy of Internet homework and more time to soak in the loveliness
gun and arms Photo courtesy of Internet
Some guns that are accepted for
trade. “I think of the wonderful town of Bridgewater, “said Chelsea
Cocaine is one of the more
tuition in the Fall of 2010. Hames, a member of the Class of 2011.
expensive drugs. Professors are also elated about the demise of the
“I was so sick of students interrupting class time to
ask me about PDP, it was the worst distraction,” says
Nose-Picking Contest Dr. Motta, communications professor.
Professors have also been freed from reading,
and Convocation grading and revising any PDP reflection papers
and they will no longer have to endure the lengthy
ramblings of students’ personal development.
Boitnott House There have been several suggestions on what to
do with the PDP Day that is usually held in the fall.
Thursday, April 1 Some students have proposed a BC “Green Day”
with booths demonstrating earth-friendly activities,
or a BC “Love Day” with activities benefitting local
8 p.m. charities.
No definite plans have been made.
FEATURES April 1, 2010
P H OT O O F T H E W E E K Beer offered
in the KCC
By Cassandra Brown
Senior Booze Correspondent
ue to an overwhelming request from
students in recent weeks, the KCC has
decided to offer beer on tap. Starting this
Friday, Bridgewater College will become a wet
campus and the milk station will be replaced with
beer on tap.
Students are thrilled at the prospect. One
anonymous student said, “Everyone knows beer and
cereal go better together than milk.”
The decision came after the staff saw an
overwhelming amount of requests on the comment
board for beer. “We want to keep the students happy,
so what better way to do it than with beer?” said the
manager of the KCC.
In a closed conference, current BC president
Phillip Stone and incoming president George
Cornelius debated whether or not to make
Bridgewater a wet campus, but came to the decision
that it would be good for “the development of the
Photo(s) by Taylor Dukehart “We felt that we were hindering student’s
BC’s Adonia channels the spirits of some of rock and roll’s greats for Wednesday night’s benefit concert. development by putting a ban on on-campus
alcohol,” Stone and Cornelius said. “That is why we
decided to allow those students 21 and over to drink
beer on tap in the KCC.”
Five Privately-Owned Italian Restaurants According to dining services, beer on tap will
be offered Monday through Saturday with the
exception of Sunday due to the college’s association
in Bridgewater: Coincidence or not? with the Church of the Brethren.
Three different types of beer will be offered to
By Jessica Steury
replace the three types of milk: Samuel Adams,
Senior Swimming with the Fishes Correspondent Budweiser and a new brand of beer called Carry
he town of Bridgewater is a peaceful town that president of the college. “The methods of mafias are “I look forward to a crisp, refreshing brew after a
loves its Italian cuisine, or so it seems. But the certainly not a part of the liberal arts education and hard day of classes,” said JPE, another Bridgewater
Veritas now knows the truth. this influence is not good for the students’ personal student.
Last week a student, who shall remain anonymous developments. I am doing some research to see if “Here’s to you Bridgewater, Cheers!,” JPE said.
for his safety, came to Veritas to report an incident Lincoln had any encounters with mafias and how he
which suggests a reason for the multitudes of pizza in
Bridgewater. The student confessed that the harmless
small-town capitalistic competition is actually a battle
would handle this.”
Chief Picerno also showed concern. “The students’
safety is in jeopardy and the campus police plans to
BC Eagles win
of two strong and active mafias.
“I couldn’t keep this to myself any longer,” reported
the student anxiously. “I needed to get more student
protect Bridgewater’s students in any way that we
can.” falconry tournament
Picerno gave the Veritas some suggestions of ways By Alisha Mitchell
loans and this seemed like a quick and easy option. that students can avoid confrontations with these Senior Raptor Correspondent
When I couldn’t pay them back as soon as they mafias. First of all, do not interact with anyone
wanted, I suffered the consequences.” ridgewater’s elite falconry team returned from
standing on street corners after dark.
The student would not share which mafia he was the championship with a trophy once again.
Also, if you have any financial concerns contact
working with, but he did warn us of the active mafias “We were just happy to bring home another
the business office and don’t accept loans from any
in Bridgewater. Until two years ago, only one mafia trophy to add to our shrine,” team captain Marco
of these restaurants. Please do go to all of these
worked this town without any disturbances, residing Marco Marconi said.
restaurants and sample their delicious menus. We
in Bob-A-Rea’s, Sergio’s and Perfect Pizza. This group The team’s many trophies are stored in the old
wouldn’t want to infuriate them by putting them out
is known as the Floryanos. gymnasium, which holds a 35-foot-tall golden statue
of business. Do not accept or deliver any “packages”
Once Francesco’s came into town, soon followed of Ernest the Very Bad, the school mascot.
from any of these restaurants.
by Flying Pizza, the new mafia had stepped onto the Adding to the team’s national championship,
And lastly, when you do eat at one of these
Floryanos’ turf, calling themselves the Wamplerinis. Byrhtnoth Maldon won Austringer of the Year.
restaurants, leave a good tip. They aren’t very kind to
Since then, our serene little Bridgewater has not been Maldon has been working with his accipiter,
as safe as it once was. Princess Fluffy, since she imprinted on him as
“This is a serious issue,” asserted Phillip Stone, a fledgling. Maldon will take home the Golden
Creance this year.
The school began the team in 1901 in an attempt
to control rampant squirrel populations on campus.
They discontinued this practice in 2001 when a local
chapter of PETA opened on Bridgewater.
8 Vol. IX, Issue XVI POLITICS
This Week: Celebrity Infidelity...OMG!
Caroleigh Newman, Democrat
I have noticed know Obama is nothing but a socialist. He apple pie.
in the news has inspired these men to share themselves Sarah would definitely stop these cheaters
lately a growing with women other than their wives because because she still listens to the people. I mean,
number of socialism is all about sharing. even if she writes her speech on her hand, at
celebrity couples Since Barack’s election, his tyranny has least she isn’t using a teleprompter like that
broken because reached every aspect of the lives of Americans phoney-baloney socialist monarch Barack
of the husband’s and now it appears he has seemingly Obama.
infidelity. meandered into the private lives of celebrities. The devilish health care system will also make
As I sat down When will America wake up and realize that the men run wild and leave their homes, but
and began to other fascist loonies like Hitler were eloquent that isn’t the only thing it is going to do. It will
ponder why this is, I began to consider when speakers and that Barack Obama is doing the take my hard-earned money and give it to lazy,
these affairs reached their heights and came to same thing? Obama is encouraging us to share poor people and that is the worst thing that will
a conclusion as to why these husbands would everything and is causing the national deficit to happen.
leave their seemingly perfect homes to engage skyrocket in the process. As far as I am concerned, I will keep my guns,
in other relationships with women who were In order to prevent more celebrity couples my money, my freedom and my boyfriend—
anything but special. from succumbing to an ill fate, I suggest we you can keep the change.
The cheating of Tiger Woods, Jon Gosselin look to Sarah Palin for wisdom and guidance.
and Jesse James can all be attributed to Sarah Palin represents what America is all
the presidency of Barack Obama. We all about-- timeless values and a good ol’ piece of
J. Adam Craig, Constitutionalist
Here we go again. which states that (say it with me, now) “[t]he appropriate. I’m suggesting “Cheetah Woods.”
Celebrity affairs! powers not delegated to the United States by the What do you think?
Does this ever end? Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, I’m even thinking of writing Tiger and
Alright, you know are reserved to the States respectively, or to the suggesting he run for president in 2012. I mean,
the drill. people.” say what you want, at least he isn’t a liar.
So, what does the Yup, that’s what it says. According to the But seriously, I’m not going to stand in the
Constitution say Constitution, Tiger Woods had every right to way of a State’s right to make celebrities, affairs
about celebrities cheat on his wife and run his car into a tree all or running cars into trees illegal. I’m just sayin’,
and their right to he wanted to on the Federal level. Who is our this is what the Constitution says. So, stick to it,
have affairs?A quick Federal government to presume that it should blast it!
skimming of the interfere in his personal liberty? This health care socialism has made me sick
document reveals I mean, come on! Who wouldn’t want their enough (har de har har) without these tyrants
nothing, that’s right, child to grow up to be a cheating golf star. Oh, flexing their muscles and shredding our social
absolutely nothing and by the way, I heard that Tiger’s wife was contract!
about celebrities, adultery, movies, golf, none of suggesting that being named “Tiger” is now not
it. so appropriate. I mean, if you’re gonna be named
Therefore, we look to the Tenth Amendment, after an animal, it may as well be something
Rudbel Alfaro, Republican
What’s the big Maybe we should pass a law banning everyone times and get away with it for so long? I think we
deal with all of these from being faithful. Since we now ban people from should give him an award, maybe even make him
celebrity scandals? choosing whether or not they want to purchase an American hero.
There are many their own health insurance, then it is only natural April Fools!
answers to this that we must also ban traditional marriage. Obviously I don’t believe this; however, there
question; however, I With the new ban on traditional marriage, we is another radical solution to what seems to be a
believe that the real should have communal marriage in which everyone problem. These things are only important because
question should be: is in a relationship with everyone, thus nobody we put so much importance on them. Instead of
why do we care so can ever cheat again. Further, only the healthiest focusing on living the good life, progress and good
much about it anyway? couples should be able to breed. This would citizenship, we give these deadbeat celebrities and
Scandals are not only increase the likelihood of having only the strongest politicians lots of press and second chances.
plaguing Hollywood type of children and lower the cost of our now Instead, why don’t we hold these people
and the sports communal health care system. accountable and not give anyone a second chance
industries, but also Maybe this way we will not give a rip whether when they live that type of life. Maybe that way we
politics. Sandra Bullock’s husband cheated on her or can increase the sense of morality in culture and
From the Democratic Party to the Republican whether Tiger Woods is a mack daddy. I mean our entire legal system.
Party, it seems being unfaithful is in right now. how much game must one have to cheat so many
POLITICS April 1, 2010
Teaching China a lesson
By Dana Rhiannan Lam
Senior Explosion Correspondent
I n an unexpected turn
of events last Friday,
the United States
launched two nuclear
missiles directly toward
takeover of the United States and eventually the
Texan George Baker, who spent all weekend in
celebration of the elimination of the Chinese people,
said “Well, everywhere you look, everything says
comes from Obama’s choice to use nuclear weapons
on the Chinese is the elimination of all American
debt owed to China. Although it is a rather small
amount, the relief of any debt is positive.
Obama’s approval ratings have skyrocketed since
China in an attempt ‘Made in China.’ Even here in Texas, I can’t hardly the launch of these weapons, although they didn’t
to wipe out the vast find a shirt that was made here in America! It’s about have much room to improve to start with. Other
majority of the Chinese time we leveled the countries are even
When questioned about
As usual, both
“Real Hot and spicy sending their approval
to America, thanking us
his motives, President
Obama simply said,
Republicans have come
General Tso’s Chicken is for ridding the planet
of the threat of Chinese
“It was time we taught
them a lesson.” Obama
together to support
now available all over east takeover.
Even though we have
has offered no further clarification, but leaks from
inside Congress have led most to believe that the
decision. Even some
members of Congress
Asia...and fried rice!” taken a big step toward
making the planet safer,
U.S. intended to punish China for its long history of have alluded to the we do have a long way to
human rights abuses. renewed sense of safety felt by most after the missiles go. As the global police, America must now follow
Many Americans took to the streets in celebration were confirmed to have landed and annihilated through with its new human rights focus. Obama
this weekend. People across the country expressed not only the landscape of China but well over 800 is expected to threaten Russia and North Korea
praise for Obama’s decision and delight that, as one million of its people as well. with nuclear annihilation in the coming weeks. If
elderly woman from Alabama said, “Now we don’t “We did decide to pursue this course of action these countries are to survive these noble American
have to worry about them taking over the world!” on the basis of human rights, but we cannot deny humanitarian efforts, their respective governments
Remarkably enough, there is somewhat of a that there have been other benefits as well,” noted should soon begin to crack down on human rights
disconnect between the president’s actual intentions one member of Congress who chose to remain violators within their borders.
and the American public’s opinion. Although Obama anonymous. “We’ve got to get rid of those who threaten us
apparently intended to “teach China a lesson” Other than the status of the United States as the and our way of life here in America. We can’t have
when it comes to human rights, the overwhelming world’s human rights enforcer and the power that them coming over here and taking over. And I guess
majority of Americans seem to believe that Obama comes from that position and the ensured safety it’s not too good for them to be abusing their own
was saving them from the impending Chinese of American soil and people, the main benefit that people, either,” said Baker.
______(name)______(verb)_____(place) on_____ (action)
A news mad lib
_____________(your name here)
Associated Press Writer
______ (position in government) ______(name) Although the goal of the gathering was to “It’s not a good _______(thing) that the ___
Clinton criticized Canada Monday for not inviting improve __________(adjective) cooperation, (number) who are not here are ______(emotion)
all those with legitimate interests in _____(region just the U.S., Canada, Russia, Denmark and about it,” he told reporters.
of the world) to a meeting about the region. ______(nation ending in –stan) were ______(past Russia, Canada, the U.S., and _____(European
In her prepared remarks for _____________ participle). nation) all have claims before a U.N. commission
(organization), Clinton said she had been Canadian Prime Minister ______(BC professor) to extend their undersea boundaries into ice-
contacted by representatives of indigenous groups has made _______(political issue) a priority since blocked areas, ______(conjunction) ______
who were ________(emotion ending in -ed) they taking office in 2006, pledging to increase Canada’s (capital city) _______(adverb) staked its claim to
were not invited and that Sweden, Finland and military presence in the _________(direction) the region by planting a flag ______(preposition)
Iceland — the three _____(adjective) States not Passage in case enough ________(physical state of the ocean floor at the North Pole in 2007.
represented — had similar concerns. water) melts to make it a regular _______(body of ___________(current event) is altering the
“Significant international discussions on water)-________(another body of water) shipping ________(place on earth) geography by melting
_________(adjective) issues should include those lane. Canada says it owns the passage. The U.S. _________(something solid) and creating
who have legitimate interests in the region. And and others say it’s international territory. open waterways, and with them new access to a
______(royal pronoun) hope ______(significant Norwegian Foreign Minister _______(name bonanza of minerals, ________(straight-chain
historical event) will always showcase our ability of character from Beowulf) on Monday urged hydrocarbon) and __________(commodity
to work together, not create new divisions,” countries to lower the tension and rhetoric around available at Wal-Mart).
Clinton said. the _______(noun) in an in effort to promote The meeting is taking place before a summit of
In what appeared to be a further measure of her greater cooperation. _______(title)s from the __________(Western
displeasure, Clinton did not ______(verb) the _____________(Mythological creature), too, European kingdom that existed between the fall of
group __________(word rhyming with news) was not pleased that some _______(plural noun) the Roman Empire and the Industrial Revolution).
conference following the meeting. were _________(past participle).
Vol. IX, Issue XVI
Celebrities and a music video at BC
By Katelyn Stackpole
Senior Gossip Correspondent
andy Young, hottest parties are, what you should wear when going in power. The song will hit the airwaves sometime
director of for an interview and how to get a natural-looking soon.
convocations, tan. If you have any suggestions, please email them Katherine Heigl recently announced she is leaving
announced last week to the convocation director. “Grey’s Anatomy.” She has decided to focus more on
that “Jersey Shore” cast In music news, students, faculty and staff will be her movie career and spending time with her family.
member Snooki will be featured in a two-part music video for T.Pain and When the cast was told they all cheered and then
appearing on campus Lil’ Wayne’s new songs about college. Filming is offered a new part of a young genius doctor to Miley
within the following scheduled to start April 19. Cyrus. The executive producers are hoping as Miley
month to present a Auditions for parts in the video will be held right has ended her run on “Hannah Montana” she will be
convocation on the after Easter break. Students should have a dance looking to take on a more serious acting role.
proper way to tan and prepared and should wear the sort of clothes they Oprah, Jay Leno and Barbra Walters are all
how to maintain a normally wear to class scheduled to make guest appearances on the show
glorious mane of hair. Shooting for the video will take about four days in the near future. The executive producer will be
She will then host an after-party in the Cole Hall and will end with a huge block party on the campus featuring as many guest as possible in an attempt to
classroom complete with DJ Pauly D and glow mall, complete with a moon bounce and roller- beat the Guinness World Record for number of guest
lights. Make sure to reserve your seat; this will skating faculty wait staff. stars on a show in a season. “Sesame Street” holds
definitely be the event of a lifetime. Other news in the music industry, Carrie the current record.
Young said he thinks this is going to be one of Underwood, Lady Gaga, Lil’ Kim and Ke$ha will be Check back next week for updates on the exciting
highest attended convocations in the history of the releasing a new single promoting women in politics. events coming to campus. Make sure to work on
program. Next year he is planning to bring more The song lyrics will focus on Sarah Palin, Hilary a dance for the music video and come up with
“real-life” people onto campus who can help us Clinton and Nancy Pelosi. convocations for next semester.
discuss real issues students deal with everyday. When asked about the song, the ladies said they
Some pertinent current issues include where the were excited to be a part of a new anthem for women
FINALS ARE BEING MOVED UP!!!
By Carrie Spade
Senior Anxiety Correspondent
ttention all basically, if you screw up, you’re screwed. Are you seeing the trend here? The Bridgewater
Bridgewater Surprised that you haven’t heard about this news? College administration is trying to cheat students
College students! Don’t be. Your beloved professors were sworn to out of their money and a decent education.
Important news! I know secrecy. They were threatened with their jobs, homes So what are we to going to do about it? We can’t
the rest of the paper and everything they hold dear. just sit back and let this happen. So as students it is
seems like B.S. this You were going to get an e-mail from your our responsibility to take a stand.
week, but this is entirely professors alerting you of the situation on Easter Yes, the campus will be in an uproar, but we must
legitimate. Finals week Day. The administration hoped you wouldn’t even organize the chaos into an uprising. It is time for a
has been moved ahead check your e-mail until the day after, giving you little mutiny over the Bridgewater College administration.
four weeks! to no time to study. It is a scandal the likes of which Think about it. There are more of us than there are of
All finals will be the Bridgewater College has never seen before. them, so we can take them down.
week of April 6 through But why are these drastic changes taking place? The general game plan is to organize a boycott
April 9. This means finals Administrators are reluctant to admit the truth, but of all tests and classes. Think of high school senior
will be taking place as after much pressing and prodding, the facts came skip day, but jacked up on steroids. Obviously, this
soon as we return from out. The administration plas for students to fail all or applies to all students, not just seniors. And we
Easter Break! This obviously means it is time for most of their exams. Since exams are a large portion are going to skip class as long as it takes for the
students to start studying. of students’ grades in most classes, students will fail administration to get the picture that we will not
But the changes to the all class syllabi don’t end their classes as well. stand for this kind of academic abuse.
there. For one thing, students WILL NOT be What is the point of that? Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it? The official boycott will begin April 6, the day
permitted to leave after their last final. Instead, Bridgewater College is just after more money. When our first final is supposed to take place. Take that
the rest of the semester will continue as usual. But students fail their classes, they will have to retake administration. Stick it to the man!
students, please note that classes will not feel like them. This means the college will be getting more
normal. You see, all tests and quizzes after finals money. Some students will lose their scholarships
week will count triple what they counted before. So when their grades drop.
ENTERTAINMENT April 1, 2010
Thursday, April 1 Saturday, April 3 Tuesday, April 6
Bourbon Street on Main Artful Dodger
Artful Dodger 1588 South Main Street 47 West Court Square
47 West Court Square Harrisonburg, VA 22801 Harrisonburg, VA 22801
Harrisonburg, VA 22801 Free Jello Shooters Artful Dodging
Free taco lessons
Clementine Cafe Bourbon Street on Main
Bourbon Street on Main 153 S. Main St. 1588 South Main Street
1588 South Main Street Harrisonburg, VA, 22801 Harrisonburg, VA 22801
Harrisonburg, VA 22801 Shady things in the Men’s Bathroom Elevator Music
Murder Mystery Theatre
Francesco’s Ristorante Italiano Cally’s Restaurant and Brewing Co.
Brooklyn’s Cafe 101 Main Street, 41 Court Square
20 South Mason Street Bridgewater, VA 22812 Harrisonburg, VA 22801
Harrisonburg, VA 22801 “Lady and the Tramp” showing Tip the Cow Tuesdays
Valley Lanes Clementine Cafe
Clementine Cafe 3106 South Main Street, 153 S. Main St.
153 S. Main St. Harrisonburg, VA 22801 Harrisonburg, VA, 22801
Harrisonburg, VA, 22801 Beer and 9-Pins Air Band
DJ Funky Fresh
Sunday, April 4 The Pub
Gold Crown Billiards 1950 Deyerle Avenue
92 Chestnut Ridge Drive, Bourbon Street on Main Harrisonburg, VA 22801
Harrisonburg, VA 22801 1588 South Main Street Bare Knuckle Boxing
Poker face Harrisonburg, VA 22801
Little Grill Collective Wednesday, April 7
621 North Main Street Gold Crown Billiards
Harrisonburg, VA 22802 92 Chestnut Ridge Drive Artful Dodger
Animal Sacrifice Harrisonburg, VA 22801 47 West Court Square
Go Fish Harrisonburg, VA 22801
The Pub Nothing Interesting
1950 Deyerle Avenue
Harrisonburg, VA 22801
Monday, April 5 Bourbon Street on Main
1588 South Main Street
Artful Dodger Harrisonburg, VA 22801
47 West Court Square, Dance Recital
Friday, April 2 Harrisonburg, VA 22801
Macaroni Monday Casey’s Lounge
Adona Music 1400 East Market Street
34 South Main Street Blue Nile Ethiopian Cuisine Harrisonburg, VA 22801
Harrisonburg, VA 22801 181 North Main, Screamo
Peanut Butter Jelly Time Harrisonburg, VA 22802
Team Mud Wrestling Dave’s Downtown Taverna
Bourbon Street on Main 121 South Main Street
1588 South Main Street Clementine Cafe Harrisonburg, VA 22801
Harrisonburg, VA 22801 153 S. Main St. Fried Twinkies
Friday Night Magic Harrisonburg, VA, 22801
Movie: “The Life Cycle of Protozoa” Gold Crown Billiards
Clementine Cafe 92 Chestnut Ridge Drive
153 S. Main St. Harrisonburg, VA 22801
Harrisonburg, VA, 22801 Coronation Ceremony
Music: Arm Pit Orchestra
Valley Lanes 425 North Main Street
3106 South Main Street Bridgewater, VA 22812
Harrisonburg, VA 22801 Food Fight
Vol. IX, Issue XVI
By Anna Clements
Senior “Extracurricular Activities” Correspondent
omen of Bridgewater College are soon the number of classes each week,” said Lori Schrock, concerned with anyone passing by the room.
going to be able to participate in a new program director of the Wellness Center. “I cannot wait to go to a class,” Robin Cockrell,
aerobics class, pole dancing. The class has Pole dancing has many benefits. “It is a cardio- a junior, said. “What could be better than fun and
physical benefits and self-esteem benefits that the vascular exercise,” Schrock said. “It also tones the exercise at the same time?”
women of BC are no doubt going to enjoy. muscles because of the strength needed to hold Pole dancing also helps increase self-esteem by
Many people believe this taboo exercise is only yourself in position on the pole.” helping women to become more aware of their bod-
used by exotic dancers in strip clubs. However, The class will be for women only, including BC ies. It helps them lose their inhibitions and enjoy the
within the past few years many gyms have included students, faculty, staff and community members. moment. This confidence will carry into life outside
pole dancing as an exercise class. Blinds will be installed on every exposed window in the class and create an increased since of self-esteem
The Funkhouser Center will install five poles in the the aerobics room to help ease participants’ peace in life in general.
aerobics room and will host two one-hour classes a of mind and privacy. This will ensure dancers feel
week. “If the class gains popularity we could increase completely comfortable with the dancing and are not
Hold Your Horses, Bridgewater Equestrian Team
By Chris Radke
Senior Horse Whispering Correspondent
were covering the horses necks. “I, like many others,
he NCAA has suspended Bridgewater Eques- start now? It is unfair to tarnish my reputation, figured that these colorful tattoos were probably
trian after recent allegations of the horses’ when many horses actually do use steerroids.” Rio’s camouflage for the needle tracks.”
steroid use. Dancer is suspended indefinitely from equestrian Dancer refuted this claim by saying, “The NCAA
The team has achieved many stellar finishes in activities. didn’t even drug test us and Barbra [Long] was just
recent years at shows spanning the entire country. Director and coach of the Bridgewater equestrian mad that she didn’t catch any of the other athletic
Now, they are being threatened by the NCAA to program, Sarah Irvine is also being taken into con- teams with steroids. She drug tested us and gave the
forfeit any and all titles they have won in the past, on sideration for the distribution of these illegal sub- results to the NCAA.”
top of the remainder of the season suspension. stances to the horses. She has had no comment on Until the steroid scandal at Bridgewater College
Barbra Long, the chair of the department and exer- the subject as of now. blows over, many of the horses are pulling Menno-
cise science program at Bridgewater College, admin- The team was first taken into consideration for nite buggies around town. Others, including Rio’s
istered the drug testing to the horses a month ago. usage of steroids, when many of the horses were seen Dancer, are looking to get into the racing aspect in
After peeing in cups and washing their hooves, the at the local Gold’s Gym in the town of Bridgewater. Charles Town, W.Va.
horses went back to the stalls and anxiously awaited According to Long, this is where many of the deals Dancer seemed excited about this new challenge.
the results. To their surprise, the tests came up could have been taken place. “I realize that this is just an obstacle in my life that I
positive for the drugs of HGH, steroids and other “They don’t allow horses in Gold’s Gym, so why on will overcome.
performance enhancing substances. earth would horses be standing around outside un- Charles town is a door that I feel like God has
Rio’s Dancer, a recent addition to the horse roster, less they were taking the girls on the team to work- opened. The good news about leaving Equestrian
was asked about the results of the drug testing. He out…but they have cars.” for Horse racing is that now I will at least be doing
said, “I have nayyyver taken performance enhanc- Long had also commented on the new tattoos that something that makes sense.”
ing substances in my entire life, so why would I
Men’s Ping-Pong Men’s Polo
April 1 vs. China L, 87-12 April 1 vs. Ralph Lauren W, 13-4
Record: 4-23, 3-10 ODAC Record: 7-4, 3-0 ODAC
Women’s Hopscotch Women’s Rugby
April 1 vs. John Wayland Elementary April 1 vs. The New Zealand All Blacks
L, 46-17 L, 50-4
Record: 23-9, 20-7 ODAC Record: 2-1, 0-1 ODAC