Can a Pile of Dirty Laundry Really Save Your Relationship?

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Can a Pile of Dirty Laundry Really Save Your Relationship? Powered By Docstoc
					Can a Pile of
Really Save
Understanding The Five
Love Languages and The
Secret to Love that Lasts

Alan Stransman
   Can a Pile of Dirty Laundry Really Save Your Relationship?
Anyone born in the 1950’s is sure to remember the slogan, “Nothing says lovin’ like something
from the oven”, used in the television ad campaigns of the Pilsbury company.

It was not only a very catchy slogan, it seemed to make sense. A fresh, steaming pie, cake or
dinner roll right out of the oven would certainly seem like a good way to say “I love you” to your
spouse, children, friends or relatives.

But, in ways that the copy writers who created the Pilsbury ad campaign probably never
imagined, their words transcended the world of advertising and entered the realms of
anthropology, sociology, theology and spirituality.

Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, has sold over 7
million copies since it debuted in 1992, is a perennial New York Times bestseller and has been
translated into more than 40 languages. Dr. Chapman is a relationship counselor with over 30
years of experience in helping couples save troubled marriages. Drawing upon his extensive
academic training background in both anthropology and theology, Dr. Chapman presents a
simple but, nonetheless, radical thesis in The 5 Love Languages, which is that the “romantic
love” or “in love” experience which propels couples towards marriage is instinctive, irrational
and, by definition, temporary. Essentially a means of propagating the species, like the mating
call of geese, the “in love” experience creates a state of euphoria in which both participants are
deluded into believing that they have found their ideal mate and that they will live in wedded
bliss forever.

It is in this euphoric state that couples generally enter into marriage, only to fall, within two
years, on average, back down to earth. When they do, they begin to see each other as they really
are, and their relationship for what it really is, not as they did through the distorted lens of
romantic obsession.

Once the “in-love” phase has ended – and only when it has ended – the couple can begin the real
work of loving each other, as opposed to being in love. This is no easy task, and the majority of
couples fail at it.

No longer fuelled by romantic fervor and wishing to spend every waking moment together,
couples now revert to being the egocentric individuals that they were all along - and which we all
are - with their own separate thoughts, desires, emotions, behaviours and needs - including the
fundamental human need to feel loved.

It is this need that is most often unfulfilled in marriage, and the failure of couples to fulfill each
other’s need to feel loved leads to withdrawal, separation and ultimately, divorce.

Read the full report of the 5 Love languages here:
At the heart of the failure to meet each other’s need to feel loved is the fact that in many cases
couples do not speak the same “love language”. There are, according to Dr. Chapman, five ways
of expressing love which are common to many cultures around the world and throughout human
history. These are; Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gift, Acts of Service and
Physical Touch.

Each of these ways of expressing love is like a “language”, with an infinite number of dialects.
Married people who do not recognize, understand and have the ability to express love in the
primary love language of their spouse have no better chance of fulfilling their mate’s need to feel
love than two people speaking completely different languages have of making their thoughts and
ideas clear to each other.

The secret to love that lasts, according to Dr. Chapman, is for married couples to learn to
communicate in the primary love language of each other, and to fulfill each other’s need to feel
loved by expressing their love for each other in that love language.

Of course, the use of the term “language” is a metaphor, as not all of the ways of expressing love
cited by Dr. Chapman are what we commonly think of as “language”. But the metaphor serves
the purpose, as we all know how frustrating it is to try to understand a tourist on the street who
attempts to communicate with us in a language that we do not understand. It does not matter how
slowly the person speaks, or how loudly. If we do not understand the language that the person is
speaking, we cannot comprehend what he or she is trying to express.

And so it is in marriage. If the two people in a marriage do not learn to express love in each
other’s primary love language – and, remember, the primary love language can be different for
each individual – they will fail to fulfill the basic human need of their spouse to feel loved – and
it is precisely to have their need to feel loved fulfilled that compels people, in large part, to get
married in the first place. If that need is not fulfilled in marriage, people will look to fulfill it
outside the marriage.

The good news, however, is that if married couples do learn to express love for each other in
each other’s primary love language, they actually can achieve lasting happiness – the very
happiness that they thought they were going to enjoy forever while they were in the euphoric “in
love” phase, without having to do any hard work.

Alas, achieving love that lasts is not that easy. It requires a level of commitment, discipline and
hard work that most couples are unprepared for in the initial “in love” phase of their relationship.
Not only do they have to discover the primary love language of their spouse, they have to make
the choice to express love for their spouse in that primary love language every day.

Which brings us back to the Pilsbury advertising slogan that was cited at the outset of this report.
“Nothing says lovin’ like something from the oven” may well be true, but only for the person
who feels most loved when Acts of Service are being performed for him or her. For someone

Read the full report of the 5 Love languages here:
whose primary love language is Physical Touch, for example, a pie fresh out of the oven is nice
but, well….I’m pretty sure think of some ways to express love in the language of Physical
Touch that have nothing to do with cakes, pies or dinner rolls.

And, what about that pile of dirty laundry that your “significant other” has been pestering you
about for the past month.

Will turning that messy pile into a neatly-folded stack make you a relationship hero?

Only if your mate is really turned on by Acts of Service.

If flowers are her thing, or poetry, forget the laundry.

Again, it’s a nice thing to do, but it won’t necessarily set hearts aflutter.

Discovering your mate’s primary love language can be a tricky business, and once you do,
expressing love in that language every day can be a joy – or, a bit of pain.

But it’s the only way to make love last – and the alternative to love that lasts is….painful and

To find out more about The 5 Love Languages, you can read the complete book by Gary
Chapman, or the Point Form version, which costs half as much and takes a fraction of the time.

Get the Point Form version here:

Read the full report of the 5 Love languages here:

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Description: Everyone knows how wonderful it is to fall "in love". But most people don't realize that the "in love" phase of a relationship lasts, on average, for two years, and when it ends, many couples have real problems. But it doesn't have to be that way - there are many ways to express love in a relationship - and some of them involve a pile of dirty laundry.