So You’ve Been Caught Masturbating…
Step 1: Cover Your Genitals
• Turn away from the viewer while simultaneously grabbing a shield for your genitals. • The longer your genitals are exposed, the more humiliating the moment becomes, as evidenced in this chart.
Humiliation Level
Level of humiliation that necessitates moving out.
Time spent with Genitals exposed
Step 2: Assess The Situation: Can This Be Covered Up?
• Is There Undeniable Proof?
– Porn on computer – Lotion within arm’s reach – Hand on penis
• Do you have a believable excuse?
– “oh, hey, I was just tying my shoe.” – “Whoa, weird, my pants just fell off, I guess.” – “I was not masturbating, I was doing something else that is not masturbating.”
Step 3: Who Has Caught You?
• What do you know about this person that can be used to keep them quiet?
– – – – Have they been caught before? Do you know a terrible secret of theirs? Do they openly talk of masturbation? Can this be “laughed off?”
Person most likely to NOT tell other people about this.
Step 4: Making Your Case
BREAKDOWN OF POSSIBLE DEFENSES
“It’s not like you haven’t JO’d before, dude.” “Fine, you caught me. I was jerking it. Hilarious.”
“I thought you were gone.” “This is a good porno, I can let you borrow it if you want.”
“GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!” “Take off your pants and join me.”
“I was watching women’s tennis, and..I dunno…”
Don’t Be Ashamed
• Hundreds of millions of times a year, people are caught masturbating. Those same people go on to live prosperous, happy lives, and so can you!