Positive Parenting Positive Parenting

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					Positive Parenting

Hasan A. Baloch, M.D.
According to a May 1995 article
in Scientific American "The best
 intervention and prevention of
    delinquent and antisocial
    behavior in children is the
parent's involvement in a parent
education program that teaches
 more consistent, less coercive
      discipline techniques
Ultimately the most powerful method of
influencing our children’s behavior is our
         relationship with them.

  You are your child’s best teacher.
“I am persuaded that violent fathers
produce violent sons. I am satisfied that
such punishment in most instances does
more damage than good. Children don’t
need beating. They need love and
encouragement. They need fathers to
whom they can look with respect rather
than fear. Above all, they need
       The Prophet’s Example
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "He is not of us who does
not have mercy on young children, nor honor the elderly" Collected
by Al-Tirmidhi
I prayed along with Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) the first
prayer. He then went to his family and I also went along with him
when he met some children (on the way). He began to pat the
cheeks of each one of them. He also patted my cheek and I
experienced a coolness or a fragrance of his hand as if it had been
brought out from the scent bag of a perfumer. - Sahih Muslim Hadith
I served the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wasallam) for ten years, and
he never said to me, "Uf" (a minor harsh word denoting impatience)
and never blamed me by saying, "Why did you do so or why didn't
you do so?“ – Anas describing his childhood, Sahih Al-Bukhari
The Prophet’s Example (cont.)
Allah’s Messenger kissed Al-Hasan ibn `Ali while Al-Aqra` ibn Habis At-
Tamim was sitting with him . Al-Aqra` said, “I have ten children and have
never kissed one of them.” The Prophet cast a look at him and said,
“Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully.” (Al-
I never saw anyone who was more compassionate towards children than
Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him). (Muslim)
The Prophet said, “(It happens that) I start the prayer intending to prolong it,
but on hearing the cries of a child, I shorten the prayer because I know that
the cries of the child will incite its mother’s passions.” (Al-Bukhari)
“Fear Allah and treat your children [small or grown] fairly (with equal
justice).” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

"Command your children to pray when they reach the age of seven and hit
them if they leave it off when they reach the age of ten and separate them
from each other in the beds.“ (Al-Bukhari)
        Why Kids Misbehave


Child           Parent     Family Stress
           Child Factors
Temperament – Reactivity to stimuli,
Attention Span, Abnormal Sleep Pattern
Physical – Motor coordination, strength,
stamina, appearance
Development – Impaired language,
delayed speech, low IQ., poor social skills
          Parent Factors
Temperament – Easily angered vs.
eternally patient, Reacts to everything vs.
Emotional problems – Parental depression
impairs the ability to adequately parent the
           Family Stress
Marital Discord
Financial Troubles
Tense relations with relatives
Death in the family
Chronic illness in the family
         Paying Attention
Best Boss vs. Worst Boss
Children like Adults respond to attention
They don’t care what type of attention
(negative or positive)
Develop a routine for positive attention
(special time for each child ~ 15 min. daily)
      Praising Compliance
“catch your child being good”
Children like adults respond to praise
Specific praise is ideal to shape behavior
Ex: “I like it when you do as I say”
Ex: “Mom really likes it when you pick up
your toys”
   Give Effective Commands
Mean what you command
Present it as a direct statement , NOT as a favor
Firm but not negative voice
Simple commands rather than multiple
Give adequate time for completion of 1st command
before 2nd.
Make Eye Contact with your child (yelling across the
room less likely to work)
Reduce distracters from the environment (TV, stereo,
playstation etc.)
Have your child repeat the command back when
Consider “Chore Cards” for extensive tasks like cleaning
a bedroom
           Using Time-Out
Give a command
Count loudly backward from 5 (use only for a
few initial weeks of using this method)
If child has not complied, issue a warning
Warning method – eye contact, raise voice to
louder than normal (not yelling), adopt a firmer
posture, and say “If you don’t do as I say, then
you are going to sit in that chair”
 Using Time-Out (continued)
After the warning, count down from 5
If still no compliance – “You did not do as I
say; now you are going to the chair”
Escort the child by the upper arm or wrist
and place them firmly in the chair and say
“You stay there until I say you can get up”
    Using Time-Out (cont.)
Chair should be a straight back dinette
chair, placed in the foyer, dining room,
kitchen, or middle of the hallway
Place it away from the wall and away from
things the child could reach
             How long?
1-2 minutes per year of the child’s age
Ex: 4 year old = 4 minutes
Once the time has elapsed, they must be
quiet for a few moments
After the time-out they should do what
they were originally told to do or agree not
to do the negative behavior they did
When the child is in the chair there is no
discussion or argument with the child
Siblings and the other spouse are not to
speak to that child during the time-out
Once the child complies with the
command the parent should tell the child “I
like it when you do as I say”
Certain times you do not need the warning
period – Ex: Violation of household rules
(lying, hitting, cursing, etc…) , Ex:
Complex tasks like cleaning the bedroom
– you can give the warning and command
at the same time
What if the child leaves the chair?
Return the child to the chair and give ONE
warning “If you leave the chair again you will
have to go to your room”
If this is necessary the bedroom should be
emptied of any enjoyable activities such as TV,
games, playstation, etc..
Alternatives could be loss of larger things such
as going over to the friend’s house this week,
watching TV, etc..
             Child Ploys
I need to go to the bathroom
I am sick
I am hungry
Attempts to rock or tip over the chair
Claims he will not love you anymore
        Parental Mistakes
Not implementing time-out until very
angry, after having said the command over
and over again
Letting the child control the time
Standard time for every infraction and
every age
Allow the child to barter out of time-out or
agree to follow directions once he is being
taken to time-out
Parenting is a complicated process but
basically involves teaching and developing
a relationship
Children learn from verbal and nonverbal
teaching – Also from what they are and
are not exposed to (experiences)
Do your best with what is under your
Peer groups become more important
Most children do not rebel or act up in
teenage years
Most of them choose peer groups similar
to their families
Identity Development is one key task that
kids this age are engaged in.
  Peer Groups and Religion
Indonesian study, examining children age 13-15.
Changes in religiosity from year one to two were
associated with friends' religiosity such that
adolescents with religious friends were more
religious at year two than those with less
religious friends.
Reductions in religiosity were also associated
with the presence of problem behavior.
     Families and Sexuality
Cohesive family environments and positive peer
networks contribute to reduced levels of risky
sexual behavior among adolescents from
religious families.
 Parents who monitor their children's activities
and peer environments, engage their families in
regular activities and foster strong parent-child
relationships can help reduce risky sexual
     Teenagers and Drugs
Risks – Friends who use drugs, Girls
having male friends, high amounts of
unsupervised time, family conflict, low
levels of family involvement, male gender
Protective – Strong parent-child
attachment, Parent disapproval of drug
use, Friends that don’t use drugs.
    What to do if bad things
Increase communication, talk about the
Increase supervision – drug testing, room
searches, no cell phone, limiting internet,
Change the environment – move, new
school, change after school activities.

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