Deep Inner Game

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Deep Inner Game
  Program Workbook
      David DeAngelo
       ©2005, All Rights Reserved.
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                                                TABLE OF CONTENTS
“Character is destiny.” .................................................................................................... 9
Symbols, Story & Identity ............................................................................................ 10
A Gentleman Is Not A ‘Gentle’ Man............................................................................ 11
We Have Two Kinds Of Amazing POWERS To Give You This Weekend: ............... 11
Mature Masculine Power .............................................................................................. 11
Bluebeard: No Gentleman............................................................................................. 12
Bluebeard ...................................................................................................................... 13
The Count of Monte Cristo: The Anatomy of a Gentleman’s Path .............................. 16
The Count of Monte Cristo: Chateau D’If & the Cliff between Boyhood & Manhood17
What Kind Of Life Do You Want?............................................................................... 17
A Treasure Map ............................................................................................................ 17
Advice on Taking the “Plunge” From the Count of Monte Cristo ............................... 18
The Meaning of Life: .................................................................................................... 18
Decisions: The Definition of Life ................................................................................. 18
Decisions: Growth vs. “Regression”............................................................................. 19
Spending Time: The Uniqueness of the Present ........................................................... 19
The Skills Available Only In the Present...................................................................... 20
Observing Ego: The Only Human Skill That Allows Change & Growth .................... 21
Observing Ego .............................................................................................................. 21
Mature Masculine Power .............................................................................................. 22
What Do You Want? Money or Character?.................................................................. 22
What You REALLY Want: Durable Fulfillment.......................................................... 22
Durable Fulfillment....................................................................................................... 23
Mature Character Durable Fulfillment.......................................................................... 24
That’s What’s In Us. What About The PROBLEMS That Come From Outside Us?.. 24
Inner Resources Exist On Spectra................................................................................. 25
The Ends of the Spectra ................................................................................................ 26
Mastery of the Inner Resources .................................................................................... 26
Anatomy of a Problem .................................................................................................. 27
Life’s Resources to Defeat Problems............................................................................ 28
Control .......................................................................................................................... 28
Telephone Pole Wreck Story in Kansas…Steering into Open Field ............................ 28
The “DURABLE” Personal Boundary: Your Only Defense Against Suffering .......... 29
The Nature of Suffering ................................................................................................ 29
The Boundary: Identity & Resources ........................................................................... 30
IRON HANS & Masculine Identity.............................................................................. 31
The Personal Boundary & Stress .................................................................................. 32
Poor Boundaries: Holes ................................................................................................ 32
The CURE for “Holes” in the Boundary: Say “NO” & Get Comfortable Hearing “NO”
....................................................................................................................................... 33
Denial: Caused by Holes in the Boundary.................................................................... 33
“Thin Skin”: Holes in the Personal Boundary .............................................................. 34
“Thick Skin”: Boundaries with Thick Walls ................................................................ 34
The Mature Personal Boundary & Politics ................................................................... 35
Mature Masculine Power .............................................................................................. 35


                 ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                           ::: 4 :::


The Mature Personal Boundary & Politics ................................................................... 36
Currency & the Economics of Psychology................................................................... 37
Interdependence: the Most Mature Function in Relationships ..................................... 37
Codependence ............................................................................................................... 38
Psychological Trauma: Damage to the Boundary ........................................................ 38
From Psychological Trauma, To POWER: The Story of Philoctetes........................... 39
Success.......................................................................................................................... 40
Now You Have Mastered the Personal Boundary & Can Have the “Durability” Or
Strength Part of Durable Fulfillment ............................................................................ 40
A Deeper Understanding of Decisions: Our FIRST Inner Resource............................ 41
Habits: Repetitive Automatic Decisions of a Certain Style.......................................... 41
The Enemy of Decision Power: Pathological Narcissism ............................................ 42
The Spectrum of Decision Making ............................................................................... 42
Conscience .................................................................................................................... 43
Adam Smith quote ........................................................................................................ 43
Intuition......................................................................................................................... 44
Wisdom as Balance of Conscience & Intuition in Your Decision-Making.................. 45
Now We Have Mastered the First Inner Resource: Decisions That Lead To Freedom 46
Our SECOND Inner Resource: Intellect (Data)............................................................ 46
Success.......................................................................................................................... 47
Education: “Book Smarts”............................................................................................ 47
Experience: “Street Smarts” ......................................................................................... 48
Emotional Failure to Reach a Goal............................................................................... 48
Experiential Failure to Reach a Goal ............................................................................ 49
Success Revisited.......................................................................................................... 49
Right-brain as Co-pilot ................................................................................................. 50
Left-brain as Co-pilot.................................................................................................... 51
FAILURE: If We Use Only One “Side” of the Brain We Fail to get to Goals ............ 52
Use Your WHOLE Brain.............................................................................................. 53
Intellectual Narcissism.................................................................................................. 53
Left-Brained Intellectual Narcissism ............................................................................ 54
Right-Brained Intellectual Narcissism.......................................................................... 55
Intention: The Opposite of Suffering............................................................................ 55
Intention as a ‘target Sight’ on Your Goals .................................................................. 57
Intention as a ‘Compass Guide’ to Reaching Your Goals ............................................ 58
Fine-tuning Your “Intention Compass” ........................................................................ 59
Other Uses of Your Intellect ......................................................................................... 59
The Inner Data of Your Intellect Which Also Guides You: BELIEFS ........................ 60
BELIEFS....................................................................................................................... 61
Time Management ........................................................................................................ 61
“Perfect” Time Management ........................................................................................ 62
“Poor” Time Management ............................................................................................ 62
Communication............................................................................................................. 63
The Energy of Communication..................................................................................... 63
Now You Have Learned To Master Your SECOND Inner Resource: Intellect, Which
Leads To Success.......................................................................................................... 64


                ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                             ::: 5 :::


Emotional Energy: The THIRD INNER RESOURCE................................................. 64
Action............................................................................................................................ 65
Power (or Charisma) ..................................................................................................... 65
Mature Masculine Power .............................................................................................. 66
Power (or Charisma), Communication & Politics ........................................................ 66
The Relationship of Positive & Negative Emotional Energy ....................................... 66
The Spectrum of Negative Emotional Energy .............................................................. 67
Why work in spectra? ................................................................................................... 68
Positive Emotional Energy ........................................................................................... 68
Self-esteem.................................................................................................................... 68
The Anatomy of Self-Esteem........................................................................................ 69
The First Law of Thermodynamics: What? .................................................................. 69
The Return of Stress: “What Doesn’t Kill Us Makes Us Stronger” ............................. 70
Wishing To Control the Past & Future as Forms of Suffering ..................................... 70
The Alchemy of the 1st Law of Thermodynamics ....................................................... 71
Mature Masculine Power .............................................................................................. 71
Now You Have Come a Long Way in Mastering the THIRD Inner Resource: Emotion
....................................................................................................................................... 71
Remember:.................................................................................................................... 72
Let’s Build A “MAP” For ANGER .............................................................................. 72
Anger............................................................................................................................. 72
ANGER: Caused By HURT or By Your NEEDS Not Being MET ............................. 73
Hurt & Well-Being Are Opposites That Can Cancel Each Other Out ......................... 73
The Only THREE Possibilities for Anger .................................................................... 74
Depression: A “Pot” of Anger ...................................................................................... 74
DEPRESSION .............................................................................................................. 75
AGGRESSION ............................................................................................................. 76
AGGRESSION & the “Cycle of Violence”.................................................................. 77
Aggression Is a Form of SUFFERING Using Anger ................................................... 78
ASSERTIVENESS: The “Third Option” For Anger & the Only Cure for Depression &
Violence ........................................................................................................................ 78
ASSERTIVENESS That Generates Positive Momentum & WINS You Well-Being . 79
The Anger Map Uses All That We’ve Learned ............................................................ 79
The Complete Anger Map ............................................................................................ 80
ANGE R ---------- ANXI E TY.................................................................................... 81
ANXIETY Has Only TWO Possible Causes................................................................ 82
ANXIETY Has Only TWO Possible Causes................................................................ 82
The ONLY THREE Possibilities for Anxiety .............................................................. 83
Impulsiveness and Avoidance: The Passive Options for Anxiety ................................ 83
Impulsivity & Avoidance.............................................................................................. 84
“Victim-thinking”: The Second Option For Anxiety.................................................... 85
“Victim-thinking”: The Illusion of a “Mountain Out Of a Mole-Hill” ........................ 86
An Example of a “Mole-Hill”....................................................................................... 87
Courage ......................................................................................................................... 87
Doing Courage Leads to Confidence 100% of the Time.............................................. 89
Mature Masculine Power .............................................................................................. 89


                 ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                         ::: 6 :::


The Anxiety Map .......................................................................................................... 90
Courage: The Moment Of Truth ................................................................................... 90
Anxiety: Mastery of the Other End of the Spectrum .................................................... 92
Now You Know Exactly How to Reach Durable Fulfillment & In the Process, You
Now Have the Skill to Solve ANY Problem With a Solution to Be Had..................... 92
How to Solve ANY, & I Mean ANY, Problem ............................................................ 92
From Mere “Problem-Solving” To Psychological Integration ..................................... 93
Psychological Integration.............................................................................................. 94
Psychological Integration the King, Lover, Warrior & Magician ................................ 95
Integration & Self ......................................................................................................... 98
Psychiatric Illness VS. Health....................................................................................... 99
Psychological Perfection: A Goal Never To Be Reached, But a Guide to Life ......... 101
Mind OS: The Operating System of the Human Mind ............................................... 102
Thank You .................................................................................................................. 102
WARNING ................................................................................................................. 103
In This Program We’re Going To Go “Deep”… ........................................................ 103
Our Goal Is To Help You Succeed With Women and Dating.................................... 103
You Must Commit To 90 Days................................................................................... 103
Some Questions .......................................................................................................... 104
Your Top Three Problems .......................................................................................... 105
Go Rent Or Buy… ...................................................................................................... 105
The Wisdom of Milton Erickson ................................................................................ 105
The Most Powerful Tool I Have Ever Learned I Got From Milton Erickson ............ 105
How I Applied This to My Life .................................................................................. 106
How to Build Status (From the Inside Out) ................................................................ 106
Martial Arts Metaphor and the Journey ...................................................................... 108
The Mind Virus of Comparing Yourself to Others..................................................... 109
My View on the Concept of “Competition”!.............................................................. 110
What Are You Capable Of Creating For Yourself ?................................................... 111
Gaining Leverage Over Your Emotions ..................................................................... 111
Gaining Leverage on Your Ego!................................................................................. 112
Depression and the Garden of the Mind ..................................................................... 112
The Mind Is a Bullshit Creating Machine................................................................... 112
Somewhere Along The Line You Made Up Who You Think You Are & Stopped
Challenging It! ............................................................................................................ 112
I Don’t Know Who You Are But I Know Who You Are Not.................................... 112
Some of My Personal Favorite Affirmations.............................................................. 113
Don’t Be Afraid To Reinvent Yourself ...................................................................... 113
Never Dramatize Human Nature ................................................................................ 113
My Past Beliefs About Who I Was & What I Could Do ............................................ 113
Let Yourself Be Human & Forgive Yourself !!! ........................................................ 114
Develop a “Panic Room” In Your Mind..................................................................... 114




               ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                      ::: 7 :::


                               Mind OS:
                         The Operating System Of
                            The Human Mind




©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                   ::: 9 :::


“Attraction is not a choice”
                                                                                                     —D.D.
“Character IS Attraction”
                                                                                                      –D.P.
“Character is a choice.”
                                                                                                     —D.P.
So how can Attraction be BOTH not a choice, AND a choice?
Answers: Time-frame, and Observing Ego

“Character is destiny.”
                                                                                           —Sigmund Freud




             ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 10 :::


Symbols, Story & Identity
     What is your symbol?
     What story do you belong to?
     And therefore, what is your ‘group identity’?
     Most modern men never stop to think of such things, but hundreds of years ago
     they did, and still do today, in aboriginal cultures for what are called “initiation
     rites”, absent for modern boys who want to become men.
     Like most modern boys and men, Sting did not have an involved father, nor an
     orderly initiation, a story to belong to, a symbol, or an eventual identity guided by
     a community of men around him. He had to ‘piece’ them together, like many of
     us.
     So he made his own—his ‘strategy’ led him to find a story, the odd black and
     yellow rugby shirt he wore at school kids made fun of, and yet giving him his
     ironically masculine name and symbol. His ‘group identity’ grew around the
     evolving story of a musician that he gave himself over to, with that symbol at the
     core of it, transforming him. The rest is history.
     I had a dream two nights ago, that something wasn’t right with my name, “Dr.
     Paul”. It was very similar to “Dr. Phil” and not so well-known. I just remember
     that I HAD to solve this identity problem, this problem of relative VALUE in the
     world of men - in my career, and I wondered how I would do for you at this
     seminar.
     And so my unconscious solved it for me. I recognized hat Dr. P-hi-l may be an
     appealingly friendly guy (his name says “hi”, his “difference” from my spelling).
     But… the dream also pointed out to me that my “difference” from him is indeed
     of value. My difference is “au”. In Dr. P-au-l, my unique identity is set apart from
     him in “au”, which is the universal symbol for the element, GOLD.
     I woke up and recognized that while I’ve delivered hundreds of seminars, I have
     not had occasion to speak on these specific things that DYD addresses. And it
     struck me that I have spent the last two decades of scientific training—no, even
     more—my whole life—just for this moment. Just to speak to YOU in particular. I
     will do many more things with my life, but for now, I bring my whole self to the
     table for your benefit. The story I have agreed to be a part of has led me right
     here, right now, and you are a part of it. The symbol I had never noticed, buried in
     my name, was a reminder of my identity among you. I do intend to give you the
     map to find psychological GOLD.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 11 :::


A Gentleman Is Not A ‘Gentle’ Man.
      Until the 19th century, the term “gentleman” had a quasi-legal status—as a rule,
      the traditional English gentleman was highborn. The word, “gentle” is originally a
      word meaning “to raise to high position, to ennoble”.
      The Oxford Dictionary says there are only two ways to become a “gentleman”:
          1. To be born of noble birth
          2. To demonstrate, regardless of rank, chivalrous conduct, consideration for
              others, HIGH CHARACTER.
      Remember this well: “Character is destiny.”
                                                                       —Sigmund Freud

We Have Two Kinds Of Amazing POWERS To Give You This
Weekend:
      Mature Masculine Power via:
         1. Analytic Tools,
            such as Mind OS™
            and DYD™ Technology
         2. The Power of Story—Bluebeard, the Count of Monte Cristo, Philoctetes
            and the Trojan War, Iron Hans

Mature Masculine Power
Mature
Masculine Power = Observing Ego
             + Mature Boundary Function (Doors)
             + Confidence




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                             ::: 12 :::


Bluebeard: No Gentleman
                                                                                     “Bluebeard”
                                                                                     explains the core
                                                                                     Psychology of the
                                                                                     Female Mind.
                                                                                     When you have a
                                                                                     woman as a guest
                                                                                     in your
                                                                                     ‘psychological
                                                                                     house’, your
                                                                                     reality—don’t
                                                                                     give her the keys
                                                                                     to your masculine
                                                                                     core.
                                                                                     “Bluebeard” also
                                                                                     explains how to
                                                                                     be the opposite of
                                                                                     the core principle
                                                                                     of being a
                                                                                     Gentleman.




        ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                  ::: 13 :::


Bluebeard
         Once upon a time, in the fair land of France, there lived a very powerful lord; the
owner of estates, farms and a great splendid castle, and his name was Bluebeard. This
wasn't his real name, it was a nickname, and due to the fact he had a long shaggy black
beard with glints of blue in it. He was very handsome and charming, but, if the truth be
told, there was something about him that made you feel respect, and a little uneasy...
         Bluebeard often went away to war, and when he did, he left his wife in charge of
the castle. He had had lots of wives, all young, pretty and noble. As bad luck would have
it, one after the other, they had all died, and so the noble lord was forever getting married
again.
         "Sire," someone would ask now and again, "what did your wives die of?"
         "Hah, my friend," Bluebeard would reply, "one died of smallpox, one of a hidden
sickness, another of a high fever, and another of a terrible infection... Ah, I'm very
unlucky, and they're unlucky too! They're all buried in the castle chapel," he added.
Nobody found anything strange about that. Nor did the sweet and beautiful young girl
that Bluebeard took as a wife think it strange either. She went to the castle accompanied
by her sister Anna, who said: "Oh, aren't you lucky marrying a lord like Bluebeard?"
         "He really is very nice, and when you're close, his beard doesn't look as blue as
folks say!" said the bride, and the two sisters giggled delightedly. Poor souls! They had
no idea what lay in store for them!
         A month or so later, Bluebeard had the carriage brought round and said to his
wife, "Darling, I must leave you for a few weeks. But keep cheerful during that time,
invite whoever you like and look after the castle. Here," he added, handing his bride a
bunch of keys…
         "You'll need these, the keys to the safe, the armory and the library keys, and this
one, which opens all the room doors.
         Now, this little key here," and he pointed to a key that was much smaller than the
others, opens the little room at the end of the great ground floor corridor. Take your
friends where you want, open any door you like, but not this one! Is that quite clear?"
repeated Bluebeard. "Not this one! Nobody at all is allowed to enter that little room. And
if you ever did go into it, I would go into such a terrible rage that it's better that you
don't!"
         "Don't worry, husband," said Bluebeard's wife as she took the keys, "I'll do as you
say." After giving her a hug, Bluebeard got into his carriage, whipped up the horses and
off he went.
         The days went by. The young girl invited her friends to the castle and showed
them around all the rooms except the one at the end of the corridor.
         "Why shouldn't I see inside the little room? Why? Why is it forbidden?" Well, she
thought about it so much that she ended up bursting with curiosity, until one day she
opened the door and walked into the little room...
         Of all ghastly horrors! Inside, hanging on the walls were the bodies of Bluebeard's
wives: he had strangled them all with his own hands!
         Terror stricken, the girl ran out of the room, but the bunch of keys slipped from
her grasp. She picked them up without a glance and hurried to her own room, her heart
thumping wildly in her chest. Horrors! She was living in a castle of the dead! So that is
what had happened to Bluebeard's other wives!

             ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                  ::: 14 :::


        The girl summoned up her courage and she noticed that one of the keys - the very
key to the little room - was stained with blood.
        "I must wipe it clean, before my husband comes back!" she said to herself. But try
as she would, the blood stain wouldn't wash away. She washed, she scrubbed and she
rinsed it; all in vain, for the key was still red. That very evening, Bluebeard came home.
Just imagine the state his poor wife was in!
        Bluebeard did not ask his wife for the keys that same evening, but he remarked,
"You look a little upset, darling. Has anything nasty happened?"
        "Oh, no! No!"
        "Are you sorry I came back so soon?"
        "Oh, no! I'm delighted!" But that night, the bride didn't sleep a wink. The next
day, Bluebeard said: "Darling, give me back the keys," and his wife hurriedly did so.
        Bluebeard remarked, "There's one missing, the key to the little room!"
        "Is there?" said the young girl shaking, "I must have left it in my room!"
        "All right, go and get it." But when Bluebeard's wife put the key into his hand,
Bluebeard turned white and in a deep hoarse voice demanded:
        "Why is this key stained with blood?"
        "I don't know..." stammered his wife.
        "You know very well!" he retorted. "You went into the little room, didn't you?
Well, you'll go back again, this time for good, along with the other ladies in there. You
must die!"
        "Oh no! I pray you!"
        "You must die!" he repeated. Just then, there was a knock at the door and Anna,
Bluebeard's wife's sister, entered the castle.
        "Good morning," she said, "you seem rather pale."
        "Not at all, we're quite well," replied Bluebeard.
        His wife whispered in his ear, "Please, please give me ten minutes to live!”
        Bluebeard replied, "Not more than ten!"
        The girl ran to her sister Anna who had gone up to one of the towers and asked
her, "Anna, do you see our brothers coming?
        They promised they would come and see me today!"
        But Anna replied, "No, I don't see anyone. What's wrong? You look agitated."
        "Anna, please," said the shaken girl, "look again! Are you sure you can't see
someone?"
        "No," said her sister, "only one or two peasants."
        Just then the voice of Bluebeard boomed up to them, "Wife, your time is up!
Come here!"
        "I'm coming!" she called, but then said to her sister: "Oh Anna, aren't our brothers
coming?"
        "No," replied Anna.
        Again Bluebeard shouted up.
        "Come down at once! Or I'll come up!" Trembling like a leaf, his wife went
downstairs. Bluebeard was clutching a big knife and he grabbed his bride by the hair...
        "Sister, I can see two horsemen coming!" called out Anna from the tower that
very moment.
        Bluebeard made a horrible face, "They too will die!"


             ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                   ::: 15 :::


         His wife knelt to implore, "Please, please don't kill me. I'll never tell anyone what
I saw! I'll never say a word!"
         "Yes, you'll never say a word for eternity!" snarled Bluebeard, raising his knife.
         The poor girl screamed, "Have pity on me!"
         But he fiercely replied, "No! You must die!" He was about to bring the knife
down on the girl's delicate neck, when two young men burst into the room: a dragon and
a musketeer. They were his wife's brothers.
         Drawing their swords, they leapt towards Bluebeard, who tried to flee up some
stairs, but was caught and killed. And that was the end of the sad story. Bluebeard's poor
wives were given a Christian burial, the castle was completely renovated and the young
widow, some time later, married a good and honest young man, who helped her to forget
the terrible adventure. And that young lady completely lost all her sense of curiosity.




              ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 16 :::



The Count of Monte Cristo: The Anatomy of a Gentleman’s Path
     This is an amazing story for men, by Alexandre Dumas, and is considered by
     many to be the greatest novel ever written. It shows the true gentleman to be not
     of "gentleness" at all, but of shrewd high character.
     "The Count of Monte Cristo" is Alexandre Dumas’ classic story of an innocent
     man wrongly but deliberately imprisoned and his brilliant strategy for revenge
     against those who betrayed him. Dashing young sailor, Edmond Dantes, is a
     guileless and honest young man whose peaceful life and plans to marry the
     beautiful Mercedes are abruptly shattered when his best friend Fernand, who
     wants Mercedes for himself, deceives him.
     Set up to be unlawfully sentenced to the infamous island prison of Chateau D’If,
     Edmond is trapped in a nightmare that lasts for thirteen years. Haunted by the
     baffling course his life has taken, over time, everything he ever believed about
     right and wrong is abandoned and replaced by all-consuming thoughts of
     vengeance against those who betrayed him.
     With the help of an equally innocent fellow inmate and priest, Dantes plots and
     succeeds in his mission to escape from prison, whereupon he transforms himself
     into the mysterious and wealthy Count of Monte Cristo. With cunning
     ruthlessness, he cleverly insinuates himself into the French nobility and
     systematically destroys the men who manipulated and enslaved him.
     He finds that, as a man, he has become an arm of both Providence and divine
     justice. With his new power, he has grown from naiveté, but he must also now
     learn to turn from revenge, to doing good with his mature masculine power.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 17 :::


The Count of Monte Cristo: Chateau D’If & the Cliff between
Boyhood & Manhood
     To be at the edge of a cliff is to be where earth meets both sea and sky. Sky is a
     symbol of consciousness/masculinity; sea is the unconscious/femininity.
        1. What is symbolized may be a critical point in your life, a time for
            decision.
        2. The decision may be one concerning the polarity of male and female, the
            masculine and feminine components of your psyche. If you are a woman,
            it may be that a decision has to be made concerning the conflicting worlds
            of career and domesticity. (Sky would then symbolize masculine
            assertiveness and active participation in the world; sea, feminine attributes
            such as motherhood and nurturing.)
        3. The cliff edge may be the 'end of the road', signifying that you have come
            as far as you can in a particular endeavor of lifestyle, and that something
            radically new is called for. Perhaps this new approach to living means
            entering into a close relationship with nature (represented by the sea or
            sky) or bringing together the conscious and unconscious parts of your
            psyche.
            It may be a question of whether you can find within yourself enough
            strength and faith to step out into the unknown future, or throw yourself
            off the cliff - that is, withdraw from life's challenge.
        4. The horizon may be the significant thing in the dream. This may mean you
            are being challenged to take a bigger view of things, to see life and/or
            yourself on a grander scale, in order to find a new and more satisfying
            motivation for your life.

What Kind Of Life Do You Want?
     Do you want the life ending like that of Bluebeard?
     Or are you willing to follow the challenges of the Count of Monte Cristo? Do you
     want the rewards of the Treasure of Monte Cristo?
     What is this treasure? What is the "map" to that treasure? I plan to give it to you.

A Treasure Map
     The Treasure of Monte Cristo is none other than “high character.”
     The “map” to that treasure is none other than the process of initiation into mature
     masculinity. It leads you to your OWN GOLD.
     I am literally going to give you that map. A map of “life”.
     Sometimes this process can feel lonely, for your life belongs to YOU, and no one
     else.
     But remember, there are generations of men behind you.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 18 :::


Advice on Taking the “Plunge” From the Count of Monte Cristo
     “I don’t believe in God.” —Edmund Dantes
     “That is no matter, Edmund, for God believes in YOU.”
     —Priest Faria
     In other words, whether or not you are afraid to become a real man, the world of
     men will drag you kicking and screaming into it, because we know you will be
     alright. Allow yourself to be thrown off the cliff, and find yourself washed up on
     the beach; a real man, mature, with a real life.
     And so…

The Meaning of Life:
     What is it?
     Ernest Hemingway said “Life is a tragedy”.
     Roberto Benini said “Life is Beautiful”.
     Biologists say “Life is ‘irritable’”—it makes decisions.

Decisions: The Definition of Life




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 19 :::


Decisions: Growth vs. “Regression”
                                                            This diagram explains the importance
                                                            of decisions in defining one person’s
                                                            life as different from every other.
                                                            Biologists actually define life as
                                                            “irritable”, which means that the
                                                            environment does things to a living
                                                            thing, and then the living thing does
                                                            things back to that environment. In this
                                                            light, “irritable” implies a “decision has
                                                            been made”. So, the “definition of life”
                                                            is that “life makes decisions”. Being
                                                            PASSIVE therefore, leads to regression
                                                            of the maturity of one’s psychology and
                                                            ultimately to death by depression,
                                                            substance abuse, etc., and ANY
                                                            decision causes one to undergo
                                                            personal growth.



Spending Time: The Uniqueness of the Present
                                                                     It shows that when we are “in
                                                                     the past” or “in the future” in
                                                                     our heads, we are on
                                                                     “autopilot”.
                                                                     But when we are in a present
                                                                     moment time frame, only there
                                                                     can we make decisions, take
                                                                     action, use 5 senses or have true
                                                                     intimacy with others.
                                                                     Biologists define a living thing
                                                                     as “an entity that makes
     This diagram explains how the mind, or
                                                                     autonomous decisions” and
     ‘intellect’ in Mind OS™ creates the
                                                                     therefore, it is only in the
     notion of “time frames” such as past,
                                                                     present that humans are truly
     present and future, and the role of time
                                                                     alive.
     frames as states of consciousness.
                                                                     When humans are in a past or
                                                                     future time frame, we are “less
                                                                     alive”.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                  ::: 20 :::


The Skills Available Only In the Present

          PAST                                  PRESENT                                   FUTURE




No Control:                         Total Control: because in                No Total Control: the future
The past is gone                    the present we can:                      is not here yet, but we can
                                        1. Make decisions                    ‘shoot for it’ using
                                            (therefore the                   INTENTION that we will
                                            present moment is                learn about.
      “AUTOPLIOT”                           the ONLY TIME-
                                            FRAME in which                           “AUTOPILOT”
                                            we are truly
                                            ALIVE).
                                        2. Take action.
                                        3. Use our 5 senses.
                                        4. Have intimacy.
                                        5. USE OBSERVING
                                            EGO, the only skill
                                            that allows change,
                                            growth, and new
                                            directions




             ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                             ::: 21 :::


Observing Ego: The Only Human Skill That Allows Change &
Growth
                                                                   This diagram explains the
                                                                   importance of decisions in
                                                                   defining one person’s life as
                                                                   different from every other.
                                                                   Biologists actually define life as
                                                                   “irritable”, which means that
                                                                   the environment does things to
                                                                   a living thing, and then the
                                                                   living thing does things back to
                                                                   that environment. In this light,
                                                                   “irritable” implies a “decision
                                                                   has been made”. So, the
                                                                   definition of life” is that “life
                                                                   makes decisions”. Being
                                                                   PASSIVE therefore, leads to
                                                                   regression of the maturity of
                                                                   one’s psychology and
                                                                   ultimately to death by
                                                                   depression, substance abuse,
                                                                   etc., and ANY decision causes
                                                                   one to undergo personal growth.

Observing Ego




        ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 22 :::


Mature Masculine Power
Mature
Masculine Power = Observing Ego
             + Mature Boundary Function (Doors)
             + Confidence

What Do You Want? Money or Character?
      A growing body of research on the “economics of happiness” proposes that
      material wealth is overrated.
      These controversial researchers do not say economic growth is undesirable, and
      they note that unemployed people are almost always unhappy.
      But they say policy-makers should pay more attention to what people say about
      their satisfaction with life as they consider how far to go in the pursuit of
      unbridled growth.
      “The problem we have found is that as (gross domestic product) has gone up,
      happiness doesn’t go up with it,” said David Blanchflower, a professor of
      economics at Dartmouth College.
      One study by Blanchflower and an associate, based on interviews of 100,000
      people over three decades, concludes that despite sharp improvements in living
      standards, “the USA has, in aggregate, apparently become more miserable over
      the last quarter of a century.”
      A critical factor in personal happiness appears to be marriage — or at least a
      monogamous sexual relationship. A widowed or divorced person would have to
      make an extra $100,000 a year to be as happy as a comparable married person,
      Blanchflower and co-author Andrew Oswald estimated.
      Blanchflower and Oswald also looked at surveys of sexual activity and found that
      in general, “The more sex, the happier the person.”
      “People who have no sexual activity are noticeably less happy than average,” they
      declared.

What You REALLY Want: Durable Fulfillment

                                                       This diagram explains the relationship
                                                       between mastery of the four parts of the
                                                       psyche or psychology, or what has been
                                                       called the “self” or “character”, and
                                                       resultant acquisition of the four
                                                       components of “Durable Fulfillment”,
                                                       which is the ultimate desire of humans and
                                                       the general goal of life; the core purpose of
                                                       life.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 23 :::


Durable Fulfillment
     Our Psychology is composed of only 4 parts, or resources, and even the Founding
     Fathers recognized those parts in the Declaration of Independence:
         1. A Personal Boundary that contains our “Inalienable Rights”
         2. Intellect or “data” that when added up, details the events, learning,
             education, experience, beliefs and values in our life.
         3. Decision-making function, or will, which we already learned to “define
             life”. Will is the only resource that could be said to define a “soul”. It is
             the only reason all humans have innate, “inalienable” LIBERTY.
         4. EMOTIONAL ENERGY, which comes in positive (self esteem) or
             negative forms (anger or anxiety), and whose mastery leads to happiness.
     Studies of death and dying show TWO kinds of approaches to dealing with it: to
     be sad, bitter, fearful and resentful, or else to be at peace, content and accepting.
     DURABLE FULFILLMENT is something that the peaceful, content people have
     attained in their lifetime. Mastery of:
         1. Personal Boundary leads to DURABILITY.
         2. Intellect leads to SUCCESS.
         3. Wisdom in decision-making leads to more FREEDOM granted by society.
         4. Emotional energy leads to HAPPINESS.
     So DURABILITY, SUCCESS, FREEDOM and HAPPINESS are exactly what
     compose DURABLE FULFILLMENT.
     If we learn how to master these, then we obtain
     EVERYTHING we want that can possibly be had. We will need to let go of the
     things that we can’t possibly have or solve, by learning first about the Personal
     Boundary.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 24 :::


Mature Character Durable Fulfillment




That’s What’s In Us. What About The PROBLEMS That Come
From Outside Us?
     If we don’t master our emotional energy, we can’t find happiness and will have
     UNHAPPINESS instead.
     If we don’t master our intellect, we can’t find success and will have FAILURE
     instead.
     If we don’t master our decision-making, we can’t find freedom and are
     TRAPPED instead.
     And finally, if we don’t master our Personal Boundary, which contains these three
     resources, we can’t be durable against the stress, failure, and traps of life.
     Actually, each of the three resources inside ourselves exists on spectra of
     function. These get “tweaked” by us, under our control, like a stereo equalizer, in
     order to match the challenges of life.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 25 :::


Inner Resources Exist On Spectra




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 26 :::


The Ends of the Spectra
                                                                 The Two Ends of the Spectrum for
                                                                 Negative Emotional Energy are
                                                                 ANGER and ANXIETY. The
                                                                 middle point of perfection is called
                                                                 NEUTRALITY.
                                                                 The Two Ends of the Spectrum for
                                                                 Positive Emotional Energy are
                                                                 WELL-BEING and
                                                                 CONFIDENCE. The middle point
                                                                 of perfection is called HAPPINESS.
                                                                 The Two Ends of the Spectrum for
                                                                 Intellect are Education filling our
                                                                 Left-Brain and Experience filling
                                                                 our Right-brain. The middle point
                                                                 of perfection is called GENIUS.
                                                                 The Two Ends of the Spectrum of
                                                                 our Decision-making are
                                                                 Conscience (Ethics) and Intuition.
                                                                 The middle point of perfection is
                                                                 called WISDOM.

Mastery of the Inner Resources
     Strive for the middle point of balance of these three spectra and you’ll find your
     character grows, which leads toward Durable Fulfillment.
     But in solving every day problems of life, it is important to learn to also master
     the two ends of each spectrum.
     What do you master when you master the two ends of any spectrum?
     EVERYTHING. “Everything” is what is contained within the two ends of the
     spectrum of any given thing.
     And so, the answer to any human problem lies between the two ends of each of
     these spectra. That is, if the problem is indeed “solvable”.
     For those problems that are not solvable NOW, in the present moment, one has to
     let go of wishing to solve it for now. To violate this is called “suffering”, and so
     we need to learn about the Personal Boundary, which is what eliminates suffering
     and makes us durable against the failures, traps and stresses of life.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                             ::: 27 :::


Anatomy of a Problem




        ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 28 :::


Life’s Resources to Defeat Problems




Control
     In every human problem, whether personal, business, economic, social,
     intercultural, international, political, familial, marital or psychological, there is
     always some portion which is in our CONTROL, i.e. “inside our personal
     boundary”, and another portion which is OUT OF OUR CONTROL, i.e. “outside
     our personal boundary”.
     Our Personal Boundary marks what we control from what we don’t, so the first
     step in solving any human problem is to develop healthy, mature, high character
     boundaries.
     When you have a solid Personal Boundary, you clearly see what you control in
     any problem from what you don’t. The beginning of solving problems then
     becomes easy. Let go of what you do NOT CONTROL and focus on what you
     DO CONTROL.

Telephone Pole Wreck Story in Kansas…Steering into Open
Field




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 29 :::


The “DURABLE” Personal Boundary: Your Only Defense
Against Suffering
                                                               The Personal Boundary marks the
                                                               limit of what you control in your
                                                               psychological territory, from what
                                                               you do not.
                                                               When we burn emotional energy on
                                                               those things outside our boundary,
                                                               those things we don’t control, it is
                                                               called SUFFERING
                                                               When your boundary has “holes” in
                                                               it, these are what allow
                                                               SUFFERING to happen. They are
                                                               places where we “refuse” to hear
                                                               “NO” from the environment.


The Nature of Suffering




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 30 :::


The Boundary: Identity & Resources
                                                                        When your boundary has
                                                                        holes in it, your identity can
                                                                        become vague in shape, but
                                                                        when you repair those holes
                                                                        by using the word “NO”,
                                                                        having preferences - NO to
                                                                        this and YES to that - you
                                                                        start to have a more solid
                                                                        identity of very clear shape.
                                                                        When your boundary has
                                                                        holes in it, your resources are
                                                                        vulnerable to leak out,
                                                                        wasted on the
                                                                        “uncontrollable” in life.
                                                                        But when you patch the
                                                                        holes in your boundary by
                                                                        saying “NO” to suffering,
                                                                        you retain all your resources
                                                                        and they do not leak out.




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 31 :::


IRON HANS & Masculine Identity
    “The king’s hunters were disappearing one by one whenever they ventured into a
    very distant part of the forest. No one could explain these disappearances. One
    day, a young man came to the king’s court in search of a job. He was told about
    the mysterious problem. The young hero then went off alone, with only his dog
    for company, to discover the truth about the disappearances.
    As he was walking past a pond, a hand emerged from the water, grabbed his dog,
    and dragged it down into the depths. The hunter felt terrible about losing his dog,
    so he had the king’s servants empty the pond with buckets. At the very bottom
    they discovered a huge, wild and primitive-looking man. His hair fell all the way
    down to his feet, and since it was rust colored, they called him ‘Iron Hans.’”
    “The king rewarded the young hunter and had Iron Hans put into a cage, which
    was placed in the inner courtyard of the castle. Several days later, when the king’s
    eight-year-old son was playing with his golden ball, it rolled right into the wild
    man’s cage. Iron Hans of course refused to return the ball, but he made the boy an
    offer: if the child wanted his favorite toy back, he would have to give Hans the
    key to his cage.
    But where was this key? Iron Hans told the king’s son that the key was hidden
    under his mother’s pillow. The boy waited until his parents had gone for the day,
    and then he took the key. As soon as Iron Hans was free, he prepared to return to
    the forest. The boy, fearing he would be punished by his parents, begged Iron
    Hans to take him along. The wild man agreed to this, but warned him: “You will
    never see your mother and father again!” Then he hoisted the lad onto his
    shoulders and the two of them disappeared into the woods.”
    When the young man finds that his masculinity is controlled and locked up by his
    mother’s influence, he realizes Iron Hans will initiate him into his vital,
    instinctive power, so that the young man will never again be a mommy’s boy or a
    daddy’s boy.
                                               Guy Corneau’s interpretation of Robt Bly




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 32 :::


The Personal Boundary & Stress
                                                                When the Personal Boundary is
      Boundary and Control                                      solid, capable of saying “NO” and
                                                                hearing “NO”, you are well
                                                                protected from STRESS.
                                                                Say “NO” to stress and it goes
                                                                away.
                                                                Don’t try to CONTROL stress,
                                                                just say “NO” to it.
                                                                If you let stress get into you
                                                                through a “hole” in the boundary,
                                                                it becomes YOURS.
                                                                It is now a part of your
                                                                emotional energy and is YOUR
                                                                PROBLEM.
                                                                The boundary is your “first
                                                                defense” against STRESS.

Poor Boundaries: Holes

                                                               We soon discover that Valium
                                                               cannot solve this anxiety, can’t cure
                                                               it. This problem is caused by
                                                               mutual holes in their boundaries.
                                                               Trying to treat him with Valium is
                                                               like trying to treat his girlfriend’s
    A man asked for Valium to help his                         behavior through HIS body!
    anxiety, but first, one must ask                           When he did the only “cure” for his
    whether there was another person or                        anxiety, saying “NO” to girlfriend’s
    event that directly connects to that                       drug abuse, his anxiety evaporated.
    anxiety.                                                   This kind of “NO”, used for the
    His girlfriend lived with him and                          good of both the guy and his
    did drugs in his home. When she                            girlfriend, is colloquially called
    was home doing drugs, he felt                              “Tough Love”.
    anxious, but when she was not
    home, he didn’t feel anxious.




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                 ::: 33 :::


The CURE for “Holes” in the Boundary: Say “NO” & Get
Comfortable Hearing “NO”
                                                        Have you heard of people having
                                                        psychological “blind spots” in their
                                                        behavior? Things they don’t see in
                                                        themselves but only others can? These are
                                                        “boundary holes”.
                                                        Have you heard of people having “buttons”
                                                        that can be pushed? Places where others
HOLES in the boundary are places where                  can “get under their skin?” These are
we have trouble saying “NO” or hearing                  “boundary holes”.
“NO”.                                                   And what is the “skin” they talk about
Trouble hearing “NO” is the same as                     when things “get under our skin” or people
SUFFERING, trying or wishing to “control                have “thin skin”? The Personal Boundary
the uncontrollable” and wasting energy for              of course.
no good reason.

Denial: Caused by Holes in the Boundary
                                                                   But when we look out the “hole”
                                                                   in our boundary, we don’t see a
                                                                   wall or limit, only territory that we
                                                                   IMAGINE we own, control and
                                                                   feel responsible for.
                                                                   Often when we do this, there are
                                                                   other people or goals out there,
                                                                   beyond our control, and we get
                                                                   frustrated when we find that we
       When we look at the edge of our                             don’t really own or control them.
       boundary, we see the limits of what                         This is called DENIAL. (We deny
       we own and control about our                                the limits of what we own and
       psychological territory.                                    control about life and our
                                                                   psychological surrounds)




            ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                 ::: 34 :::


“Thin Skin”: Holes in the Personal Boundary
                                                                    Holes in the boundary allow
Permeable Boundary, with “holes”.                                   stress to get in easily.
                                                                    Take note that when you have
                                                                    “thin skin” or many holes in the
                                                                    boundary, you can easily be
                                                                    overwhelmed by stress.
                                                                    In fact, when this happens, the
                                                                    “uncontrollable” in the
                                                                    environment has total control
                                                                    over YOU! Not good.
                                                                    The cells of the body with this
                                                                    type of “cell membrane” tend to
                                                                    “lyse”, or burst apart, dying. Our
                                                                    psychology is no different.


“Thick Skin”: Boundaries with Thick Walls
         IMPERMEABLE BOUNDARY,                                            However, they become
               with no ‘doors’                                            vulnerable to loneliness and
                                                                          starvation.
                                                                          A Personal Boundary has all
                                                                          the exact same features as the
                                                                          border of a country. It keeps
                                                                          bad things out, but must also
                                                                          allow good things in. This is
                                                                          an example of a boundary
                                                                          that does not work well. A
      The Boundary of someone who has been                                nation like this is isolated
      hurt or threatened chronically can                                  from the world community
      sometimes develop a kind of “scar tissue”                           just as an individual with this
      or thick walls for a boundary. This                                 kind of boundary is isolated
      protects them in the future from stress and                         from the social surrounds.
      destructiveness.




            ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 35 :::


The Mature Personal Boundary & Politics
                                                                         This is exactly how
                                                                         psychology works, and how
                                                                         the personal boundary
                                                                         works—invisible but real.
                                                                         The most mature Personal
                                                                         Boundary has “DOORS”
                                                                         rather than holes or walls in
                                                                         it.
                                                                         The human skill of
                                                                         combining your decision-
       Did you ever look down at the ground as                           making with your boundary
       you cross the border of a country? Is                             function - to DECIDE when
       there a dotted line? No. However, if you                          to open and close its doors -
       cross without a passport, will something                          is called POLITICS.
       very real happen? Yes, you will be                                High Health is open to your
       stopped (hopefully).                                              'doors' to CONSTRUCTIVE
                                                                         ideas, emotional energy and
                                                                         behaviors.

Mature Masculine Power
Mature
Masculine Power = Observing Ego
                   + Mature Boundary Function (Doors)
                   + Confidence




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 36 :::


The Mature Personal Boundary & Politics




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 37 :::


Currency & the Economics of Psychology
The CURRENCIES of LOVE, TIME and                                Each of these has a currency
FREEDOM                                                         attached to it once it is placed out
                                                                “on the table” in a “deal” with
                                                                others.
                                                                LOVE is the currency of exchange
                                                                of Self-esteem
                                                                TIME is the currency or COST of
                                                                exchange of Intellect or
     We all engage in the POLITICS of                           Information.
     psychological TRADE with each                              FREEDOM is the currency or cost
     other every day.                                           of giving away decision-making
     Only we do not trade with each                             power
     other in paper currency. We have                           To be of highest character and good
     only three psychological resources                         health, make only
     with which to do trade                                     CONSTRUCTIVE DEALS with
        1. Self-esteem (positive                                others, in which you open up only
             emotional energy)                                  to “WIN/WIN” deals that benefit
        2. Intellect (information)                              both you and others.
        3. Decision-making power


Interdependence: the Most Mature Function in Relationships
                                                                        They find they have
                                                                        synergistic emotional energy,
                                                                        similar ideas and finally, they
                                                                        start sharing decisions.
                                                                        Now they are INTIMATE
                                                                        and share INTIMACY.
                                                                        But if they remain stuck there
                                                                        it is called
                                                                        CODEPENDENCE.
                                                                        They need to be able to
                                                                        bounce back and forth
                                                                        between INTIMACY and
                                                                        INDEPENDENCE, a state
                                                                        called
                                                                        INTERDEPENDENCE.
                                                                        It allows us to shift back and
                                                                        forth between the two, able to
                                                                        agree to disagree, able to go
     When people first meet they are still
                                                                        do one’s own thing and
     independent.
                                                                        hobbies, and still have
                                                                        COMMITMENT.



          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 38 :::


Codependence
                                                                       When this happens, they find
                                                                       it hard to return to
                                                                       INDEPENDENCE and still
                                                                       have a relationship.
                                                                       COMMITMENT is missing
                                                                       from the system.
                                                                       Usually, the natural history of
                                                                       such a relationship is for one
                                                                       person to “bully” the other,
                                                                       until most resources are
                                                                       gathered in their corner of the
                                                                       “shared” boundary, and
                                                                       finally, to eject the other.
    When two people become “stuck” in                                  Essentially, as an immature
    intimacy, they are seduced by the illusion                         system and by definition,
    of doubling the size of their boundary                             CODEPENDENCE is a
    (success), resources and imaginary,                                WIN/LOSE situation.
    instantaneous personal growth, but also
    have lost the boundary between each
    other, and with it, the power to say “NO”
    or tolerate hearing “NO” from each other.

Psychological Trauma: Damage to the Boundary




    When stress (negative emotional energy) is BIGGER than your level of self-
    esteem, it manages to bust into your boundary, even if you say “NO” to it.
    Surviving this, and turning the “WOUND” into a POWER, is part of being a man.




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 39 :::


From Psychological Trauma, To POWER: The Story of
Philoctetes
    En route to the Trojan War, warrior Philoctetes, wielder of the bow of Heracles, is
    bitten by a poisonous snake at the shrine of the goddess, Chryse. The infected
    wound becomes so painful that Philoctetes' screams of agony repel the Greek
    commanders, who order Odysseus to leave him on the Island of Lemnos. Ten
    years later (the time of the play's opening scene), Odysseus returns to Lemnos
    with Neoptolemus, son of the now-dead Achilles, to retrieve Philoctetes' bow. It
    has been prophesied that only with this bow can Troy be conquered.
    Promising him glory and honor, Odysseus convinces Neoptolemus to win
    Philoctetes' trust and take the bow. Philoctetes, delighted to see any human and
    especially another Greek, shares his story with Neoptolemus, begs him to take
    him back to Greece, and entrusts him with the bow when he is overcome by a
    spasm of pain.
    Deeply moved by witnessing Philoctetes' misery firsthand, Neoptolemus
    confesses the truth to him, but tries to persuade Philoctetes to accompany him to
    Troy. When Odysseus appears, Neoptolemus returns the bow, declaring that only
    with Philoctetes himself wielding it will the prophesy be fulfilled. He asks
    forgiveness, and invites Philoctetes to come back with him to be healed and then
    on to Troy to contribute to the battle. The only thing that ends Philoctetes' refusal
    is the sudden appearance of Heracles, who announces that Philoctetes and
    Neoptolemus must join together to take Troy.
    This classic drama is a compelling study of disability and suffering as experiences
    of the social body. Philoctetes' monologues articulate suffering as a physical,
    psychological and social disruption.
    The play offers a memorable representation of stigma from inside and out, as
    Odysseus (here, not the hero we see in the Odyssey, but an opportunistic man who
    rationalizes his abandonment and additional deception of Philoctetes with a
    utilitarian argument) explains to Neoptolemus why he left Philoctetes behind and
    Philoctetes tries to make sense of why he has been abandoned in pain by his
    cohort despite a life with no wrong acts in it.
    YOU are not alone in your pain or former trauma. The community of men
    understands it and has a pathway to turning it to POWER.
    Instead of more SUFFERING and TRAUMA, I’d like you to learn to turn your
    BOUNDARY DAMAGE into SUCCESS instead.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 40 :::


Success
                                                                      As we learned, SUCCESS does
                                                                      not equal HAPPINESS.
                                                                      SUCCESS is simply a bigger
                                                                      boundary, where we have met
                                                                      GOALS. HAPPINESS and
                                                                      FREEDOM come from filling
                                                                      up that boundary with positive
                                                                      emotional energy called self-
                                                                      esteem and with WISDOM,
                                                                      which is a combination of
                                                                      Conscience and Intuition.
    When we approach a goal using our                                 Success is REAL, but
    inner resources that we DO CONTROL                                CODEPENDENCE produces
    and reach it, it is not a goal anymore.                           an ILLUSION OF SUCCESS.
    We then ‘own’ the goal and we have                                In such a case we have actually
    EXPANDED the size of our boundary                                 BORROWED someone else’s
    and the real control that we have over                            boundary.
    our environment, both physical and                                To find success, we need to
    psychological.                                                    learn now to use INTENTION,
                                                                      a combination of DECISION-
                                                                      MAKING and INTELLECT.

Now You Have Mastered the Personal Boundary & Can Have the
“Durability” Or Strength Part of Durable Fulfillment




    We have learned to use the Boundary to block stress, to open up to psychological
    COMMERCE when it is CONSTRUCTIVE or WIN/WIN.
    We have found the way to make ourselves “durable” in life, then, to be able to
    hold onto all the good resources we are about to learn to cultivate.
    Now to learn of the THREE INTERNAL RESOURCES that we store in our
    Personal Boundary “tank”.



          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 41 :::


A Deeper Understanding of Decisions: Our FIRST Inner
Resource
                                                                Constructive Decisions are
                                                                WIN/WIN behaviors, ideas or
                                                                emotion. They are mature and of
                                                                high character.
                                                                Destructiveness produces
                                                                NEGATIVE MOMENTUM for
                                                                your personal growth. IF you had
                                                                some upward movement and
                                                                growth, it will slow and can start to
                                                                go backward if you are destructive
     Remember, every Decision has a                             enough for long enough.
     Destructive or Constructive                                Constructiveness produces
     outcome, for you or for others, or                         POSITIVE MOMENTUM for your
     both.                                                      personal growth. IF you had some
     Destructive Decisions are                                  downward movement and
     WIN/LOSE behaviors, ideas or                               REGRESSION, it can turn around
     emotion. They are immature and of                          eventually with enough
     low character.                                             constructiveness exerted for long
                                                                enough.

Habits: Repetitive Automatic Decisions of a Certain Style
                                                                     HABITS are sets of Automatic
                                                                     Decisions of a particular style.
                                                                     The natural history of
                                                                     DESTRUCTIVE HABITS
                                                                     leading to NEGATIVE
                                                                     MOMENTUM is that society or
                                                                     one’s team tends to REJECT
                                                                     WIN/LOSE (destructive)
                                                                     behavior, i.e. Criminality.
                                                                     The Natural History of
                                                                     CONSTRUCTIVE HABITS
                                                                     leading to POSITIVE
                                                                     MOMENTUM is that society or
                                                                     one’s team tends to SUPPORT
                                                                     WIN/WIN (constructive)
     What leads to this concept of                                   behavior, i.e. “servant
     MOMENTUM, as far as WIN/LOSE                                    leadership”.
     (destructive) VS. WIN/WIN
     (constructive), is called HABITS.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 42 :::


The Enemy of Decision Power: Pathological Narcissism
                                    Pathologic narcissism




The Spectrum of Decision Making
                                                                Conscience is an inner sense of
                                                                right/wrong, or whether you are
                                                                choosing to be destructive
                                                                (WIN/LOSE) or constructive
                                                                (WIN/WIN).
                                                                Intuition is an inner sense of
                                                                whether the particular environment
                                                                you have chosen is likely to be
     The Spectrum of Decision Making                            destructive (WIN/LOSE) or
     has Conscience on one end and                              constructive (WIN/WIN) back at
     Intuition on the other.                                    YOU.
                                                                Wisdom is the perfect balance of
                                                                both Conscience (Ethics) and
                                                                Intuition.


          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                             ::: 43 :::


Conscience




Adam Smith quote


    “Kindness toward the guilty is
   ignorance toward the innocent.”
                                                                                            -Adam Smith




        ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                 ::: 44 :::


Intuition




            ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 45 :::


Wisdom as Balance of Conscience & Intuition in Your Decision-
Making
     What if you had a decision at hand and the decision was, “should I fire a gun”? Is
     there a right answer? NO! It depends on not just YOU, but on the CONTEXT, the
     ENVIRONMENT in which you are making the decision and the moral situation.
     What if we added, “Should I fire a gun in the suburbs?” Well, then the answer
     would likely be NO. If you did decide to fire the gun then, it would likely be a
     DESTRUCTIVE DECISION that comes from either weak Conscience (you didn’t
     care about the welfare of the neighbors), or weak Intuition (you weren’t shrewd
     enough to “know” that suburbia is a POOR ENVIRONMENT in which to engage
     in such a decision).
     But what if we had added, “Should I fire a gun while I am with Special Forces in
     battle?” Well, then the answer would likely be YES. You would be well-trained to
     do so, and to not fire the gun might be thought cowardly and destructive to
     yourself, your brothers-at-arms and to your country. It might then show poor
     Conscience.
     Also, poor Intuition would be indicated by lack of shrewd knowledge that the
     ENVIRONMENT may DEMAND that you fire the gun for your own protection
     and those of others.
     Some people who are overly moralistic may tend to take the weight of the world
     on their shoulders and have too much Conscience to match their level of intuition.
     Freud called this being top-heavy on “Superego”. Other people are lacking in
     morals and overly weighted with shrewdness—knowledge of how various
     environments can be good or bad places to make decisions and go for goals.
     These latter people, Freud might say, were top heavy on “Id”—animal instinct.
     Like White-collar Criminal CEOs.
     WISDOM then, is a perfect balance of BOTH Conscience about moral rights and
     wrongs, and Intuition that informs you shrewdly about all the various kinds of
     environments in which decisions could be made—which are likely to be
     CONSTRUCTIVE environments and which are likely to be DESTRUCTIVE to
     you. WISDOM is a WIN/WIN way of doing decisions, and is a high mark of
     character and leadership. The reward is that society gives you even more
     FREEDOM to lead with.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 46 :::


Now We Have Mastered the First Inner Resource: Decisions That
Lead To Freedom




     So now you know how to master DECISION-MAKING, the FIRST INNER
     PSYCHOLOGICAL RESOURCE stored in your boundary.
     Therefore, you can achieve the component of Durable Fulfillment called,
     FREEDOM.
     The wiser your decisions, the more society wants to reward you with even more
     FREEDOM to make decisions, even to become a leader.

Our SECOND Inner Resource: Intellect (Data)
     When we learned about our FIRST Inner Resource called Decision-making,
     mastery of the two ends of that spectrum, plus, finding a balanced center of it
     called WISDOM, leads to more FREEDOM, which is one requirement to reach
     Durable Fulfillment.
     Now we need to learn about the SECOND Inner Resource called our Intellect,
     which is composed of information, or data, that can take many forms—beliefs,
     values, life history, education and experiences. HOW WE ARRANGE THAT
     DATA IS WHAT LEADS TO SUCCESS.
     That DATA, or Intellect, also exists on a SPECTRUM of the style of its
     arrangement from ORGANIZED, to chaotic or “free-associative”, or what you
     might call “creative” arrangement.
     One end of the spectrum for arrangement of data that is ORGANIZED, logical
     and HISTORY-based, you might call “LEFT-brained”. The KIND of data that
     “fills” your Left brain Mind OS™ calls “EDUCATION” or “book smarts”.
     The other end of the spectrum for arrangement of data that is FLEXIBLE, chaotic,
     disorganized, free-associative or creative, you might call “RIGHT-brained”. The
     KIND of data that “fills” your Right-brain Mind OS™ calls “EXPERIENCE” or
     “street smarts”.
     If you find a balance of filling both your Left-brain with EDUCATION and your
     Right-brain with EXPERIENCE in equal amounts, that is called the goal of
     GENIUS.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 47 :::


Success
REACHING GOALS and growing the Boundary Size
                                                                   As we learned, SUCCESS does
                                                                   not equal HAPPINESS.
                                                                   SUCCESS is simply a bigger
                                                                   boundary, where we have met
                                                                   GOALS. HAPPINESS and
                                                                   FREEDOM come from filling up
                                                                   that boundary with positive
                                                                   emotional energy called Self
      When we approach a goal using our
                                                                   esteem, and with WISDOM,
      inner resources that we DO
                                                                   which is a combination of
      CONTROL, and reach it, it is not a
                                                                   Conscience and Intuition.
      goal anymore. We “own” the goal,
                                                                   As we learned, SUCCESS does
      and we have EXPANDED the size of
                                                                   not equal HAPPINESS.
      our boundary and the real control that
                                                                   SUCCESS is simply a bigger
      we have over our environment, both
                                                                   boundary, where we have met
      physical and psychological.
                                                                   GOALS. HAPPINESS and
                                                                   FREEDOM come from filling up
                                                                   that boundary with positive
                                                                   emotional energy called Self
                                                                   esteem, and with WISDOM,
                                                                   which is a combination of
                                                                   Conscience and Intuition.

Education: “Book Smarts”
                                                                     When someone seeks
                                                                     EDUCATION and fills their
                                                                     Left-brain “tank” with that type
                                                                     of data, it gets arranged in an
                                                                     orderly way that is very useful
                                                                     for things that you don’t want to
                                                                     have to REPEATEDLY
      Our Left-brain is like an empty “tank”                         LEARN.
      for only a certain kind of                                     As such, EDUCATION helps us
      information—a logical, history-based,                          be TARGETTED in shooting
      organized kind called EDUCATION,                               for our goals, by KEEPING
      or “book smarts”.                                              OUR SIGHTS trained on that
                                                                     GOAL.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 48 :::


Experience: “Street Smarts”
                                                                        When someone seeks
                                                                        EXPERIENCE and fills their
                                                                        Right-brain “tank” with that
                                                                        type of data, it gets arranged
                                                                        in a flexible, creative way
                                                                        that is very useful for flexing
                                                                        around obstacles in the way
     Our Right-brain is like an empty “tank”                            to your goal. One single
     for only another kind of information—a                             experience may be useful for
     FLEXIBLE, future based, free-                                      thousands of not-yet
     associative, predictive kind called                                encountered uses or
     EXPERIENCE, or “street smarts”.                                    dilemmas in the future.
                                                                        As such, EDUCATION helps
                                                                        us be FLEXIBLE in shooting
                                                                        for our goals, by HELPING
                                                                        us see there are MANY
                                                                        ROUTES to take in getting to
                                                                        a GOAL.

Emotional Failure to Reach a Goal




     When we have failed to fill up our Left-brain “tank” with enough logical, orderly
     EDUCATION, we can tend to miss shooting for a goal by GE TTING LOST on
     the way.
     Remember, EDUCATION in our logical, orderly, history based “tank” is what
     KEEPS OUR SIGHTS on a GOAL.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 49 :::


Experiential Failure to Reach a Goal




     When we have failed to fill up our Right-brain data “tank” with enough
     EXPERIENCE, we can find that as we try for goals, we keep crashing into
     OBSTACLES, like “beating our heads against a wall”, or the Einstein definition
     of insanity—”doing things repeatedly the same way and expecting different
     results”.
     Remember, that the creative, flexible, free-associative data stored in our Right-
     brain “tank” is what allows us FLEXIBILITY to get around obstacles by
     remembering “there are a thousand ways to skin a cat”; many ROUTES to take to
     a goal.

Success Revisited
     What if SUCCESS in reaching GOALS is much like “flying an airplane”;
     reaching out from inside your boundary to brave the uncontrollable environment
     and on getting a “foothold” on a goal, growing the size of your boundary to reach
     success, thus, getting new control over the environment physically and
     psychologically, in a way you didn’t have control before?
     Flying this airplane need not be so complex.
     Once I was discussing a screenplay with my illogical, disorderly, but creative
     screenwriting partner. He suggested that our impasse in getting work done was
     because I was no fun, not willing to venture into distraction.
     We realized that getting our goal of a screenplay sale was much like flying a
     plane from Denver to L A. If I, as a Left brained dominant person had the
     controls, I would tend to “beat our heads against a wall” pushing through trouble
     in being so “goal-oriented”. But if I let him man the controls, he would “get us
     lost”. He said it was like he just wanted to check out Mexico on the way to L.A.,
     but I said if he were at the controls he would fly us to China and we’d forget all
     about L.A., which was our original goal!




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 50 :::


Right-brain as Co-pilot
                                                                     Notice, only on the Right,
                                                                     where if I left my friend to fly
                                                                     the plane, how he would tend
                                                                     to get us LOST with TOO
                                                                     MUCH flexibility in getting to
                                                                     a goal, and not enough logical,
                                                                     orderly WORK of
                                                                     EDUCATION.
                                                                     We would have “fun” and end
                                                                     up in China, completely
                                                                     forgetting the original GOAL
                                                                     of L.A. that we targeted.
                                                                     This would be an
                                                                     “EDUCATIONAL FAILURE”.




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 51 :::


Left-brain as Co-pilot
                                                                But also, notice on the Left; if I
                                                                were to be the lone pilot of the
                                                                plane, being a Left brained person
                                                                with lots of EDUCATION and not
                                                                as much EXPERIENCE, I would
                                                                tend to fly us right through
                                                                lightning storms, getting us into
                                                                troublesome obstacles without
                                                                enough Right brained flexibility to
                                                                fly AROUND them.
                                                                This would then be an
                                                                “EXPERIENTIAL FAILURE”.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 52 :::


FAILURE: If We Use Only One “Side” of the Brain We Fail to get
to Goals




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 53 :::


Use Your WHOLE Brain
                                                                  Luckily, we all have BOTH, a
                                                                  Left-brain “tank” to store
                                                                  EDUCATION AND a Right-
                                                                  brain “tank” to store
                                                                  EXPERIENCE in.
                                                                  Using both, we can BOTH “keep
                                                                  our eyes on the prize” using
                                                                  EDUCATION AND flex around
                                                                  problems using our
                                                                  EXPERIENCE.
                                                                  However, to do so may require
                                                                  personal growth and WORK on
                                                                  our INTELLECT.
                                                                  I needed to practice getting more
                                                                  EXPERIENCES that are creative,
                                                                  disorganized and relaxed to “see
                                                                  the forest for the trees”, and my
                                                                  friend had to learn to do real
                                                                  WORK or organizing, using time
                                                                  wisely and getting more “book
                                                                  smarts” or EDUCATION.
                                                                  Growing EDUCATION or
                                                                  EXPERIENCE costs you TIME
                                                                  and effort to do.




Intellectual Narcissism
     Did we solve our “writing problem”? NO. We ran into a special problem that the
     INTELLECT can contain: INTELLECTUAL NARCISSISM
     Your Left-brain, which stores Education, can be used narcissistically
     (destructively, WIN/LOSE) in an immature imagining that for “me” to be “right”,
     “you” have to be “wrong”, or producing JUDGEMENTALISM or PREJUDICE.
     Your Right-brain, which stores Experience, can be used narcissistically
     (destructively, WIN/LOSE) in an immature imagining that one’s personal vision
     of reality is a universal standard, to produce IGNORANCE.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 54 :::


Left-Brained Intellectual Narcissism
                                                                 Judgmentalism and Prejudice are
                                                                 low in character and are childish,
                                                                 destructive, WIN/LOSE ways to
                                                                 use your Intellect, and if you are
                                                                 human, you have had some of
                                                                 these thoughts or communications
                                                                 with others.
     I’m sure you know some people who                           To fix this problem of character
     are on the “judgmental” side, quick                         takes doing the CONSTRUCTIVE
     to come to conclusions that they then                       instead of the DESTRUCTIVE
     LOCK in their Left-brain, not open                          use of your Left-Brain. The
     to further discussion. But I’m also                         answer is CURIOSITY.
     sure you know some outright                                 With CURIOSITY, you can be as
     prejudicial people or have seen them                        logical and orderly as you like, but
     in the media.                                               need to remember to be open to
                                                                 new facts or information that
                                                                 comes from the EDUCATION of
                                                                 OTHERS. CURIOSITY is a more
                                                                 WIN/WIN way to use your Left
                                                                 brain’s Intellect.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 55 :::


Right-Brained Intellectual Narcissism
                                                                         This is low in character and
                                                                         childish, destructive and a
                                                                         WIN/LOSE way to use your
                                                                         Intellect. But if you are
                                                                         human, you have had some
                                                                         of these thoughts or
                                                                         communications that others
                                                                         see as IGNORANT as well.
                                                                         To fix this problem of
                                                                         character takes doing the
     I’m also sure you know some people who                              CONSTRUCTIVE instead of
     are IGNORANT, oblivious to the well-                                the DESTRUCTIVE use of
     earned EXPERIENCE of OTHERS, who                                    your Right-Brain. The
     also have a Right-brain. They aren’t open                           answer is
     to the OPINIONS or creativity of                                    COLLABORATIVE
     OTHERS, and force their VISION of                                   IMAGINATION.
     reality on others.                                                  With IMAGINATION, you
                                                                         can be as creative and
                                                                         VISIONARY as you like,
                                                                         but need to remember to be
                                                                         open to new OPINIONS or
                                                                         information that comes from
                                                                         the EXPERIENCE of
                                                                         OTHERS.
                                                                         COLLABORATIVE
                                                                         IMAGINATION is a more
                                                                         WIN/WIN way to use your
                                                                         Right-brain’s Intellect.

Intention: The Opposite of Suffering
     I want you to think about a grade school saying that some people know well: “It is
     better to shoot for the stars and land in the mud, than to shoot for the mud and
     make it.”
     This is similar to the saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”
     INTENTION is a way of combining BOTH your Decision-making and your
     Intellect together, to get a powerful “heat-seeking missile” for reaching your
     GOALS. INTENTION does not add energy until the last possible moment, when
     you are SURE to reach a GOAL. As such, it is the OPPOSITE of SUFFERING,
     which is “spending energy wishing or trying to CONTROL THE
     UNCONTROLLABLE”.
     In the rhyme above, “shooting for the mud and making it” is SUFFERING. But
     “shooting for the stars” is INTENTION.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                           ::: 56 :::


With INTENTION, you might “land in the mud”, but the idea is to pick yourself
up, learn from it and redirect your AIM. So INTENTION is also like your AIM,
or like a “target-sight” to a goal; a kind of “compass” for directing yourself
toward a goal.




Note how SUFFERING takes the positive Emotional Energy called Self-Esteem
in your BOUNDARY, and WASTES it on the uncontrollable, without the
planning of Education, the imagination of Experience, Conscience (ethics) or
Intuition (the four parts that make up Intellect and Decision-making).
But when we use those four things: Left-brain function (EDUCATION), Right-
brain function (EXPERIENCE), Conscience (Ethics) and Intuition, we are using
INTENTION to AIM at a goal without WASTING OUR VALUABLE ENERGY
first.
For example, what if you had a GOAL of becoming a great actor/actress?
Now then, what if you live in Iowa and have never taken a course, not signed up
for one, never tried out for a play and haven’t planned to, never bothered to talk to
working actors to “borrow” some of their “street smart” experience and had not
thought of moving to NYC or LA? Do you have INTENTION to be a great actor?
NO!
But if you lived in Iowa, made a security deposit on an LA apartment, planned on
attending acting classes in LA and had already talked to some actor friends there
and even scheduled some auditions for movie try-outs, do you have INTENTION
to be a great actor? You certainly DO! You have made ready for it to be
POSSIBLE.
Is it guaranteed that you will become one? NO. That is out of your control until
you actually reach that goal. But you sure have a best shot at it, all because of
your INTENTION. Once all these things are ready and LOCKED-ON like a “heat
seeking missile”, THEN you are ready to commit energy to it too, without
suffering much.


      ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                  ::: 57 :::


Intention as a ‘target Sight’ on Your Goals
                                                                       You need to correct this by
                                                                       practicing one or more of those
                                                                       skills.
                                                                       Remember, that Education, plus
                                                                       Experience, make up the
                                                                       GENIUS in your Intellect.
                                                                       Remember, that Conscience,
                                                                       plus Intuition, make up the
                                                                       WISDOM in your decision-
                                                                       making.
                                                                       Many religions have the notion
                                                                       of “sin”. There is an interesting
                                                                       definition in the particular one,
Goal X may not be that difficult a goal to hit,
                                                                       Judaism, which defines sin in the
however, you may be lacking in enough
                                                                       ancient Hebrew as meaning
education and conscience to reach it, and must
                                                                       simply “to miss the mark”. This
fill up on these.
                                                                       implies that all people sin and
         Notice how when you are “off your
                                                                       none are bad to the core, doomed
         mark” toward a GOAL, it always,
                                                                       to be judged. One is advised to
         always means that you are lacking in
                                                                       change approach, to change
         one or more of the four parts of
                                                                       one’s ways and thereby not to
         INTENTION:
                                                                       sin anymore. Take a new “aim”.
     − Education
     − Experience
     − Conscience
     − Intuition




             ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 58 :::


Intention as a ‘Compass Guide’ to Reaching Your Goals
                                                                 In this example, we need to
                                                                 practice more EDUCATION and
                                                                 learn more CONSCIENCE in
                                                                 order to get to a GOAL. Doing so
                                                                 may miraculously propel us
                                                                 toward it, without struggling or
                                                                 SUFFERING, wishing we could
                                                                 make it so without any directed
                                                                 work.
                                                                 In the “airplane” analogy, this
                                                                 “Compass of Intention” works by:
     And what if we saw INTENTION as                        −    Education keeping our sights on
     also a “Compass” or guide for flying                        the goal through organization
     our “airplane” toward a goal? Not                      −    Experience giving us the
     only would we find that there are                           flexibility to keep us flying around
     certain things we do “wrong” in our                         OBSTACLES
     Intention, but may also find that by                   −    Conscience “raising us up” to an
     the very act of fine tuning that                            ethical standard that is necessary
     Intention, we actually effortlessly                         to get there without going down
     propel ourselves toward that GOAL!                          crashing, and
                                                            −    Intuition “keeping us grounded”
                                                                 enough to recognize the right
                                                                 environments to choose for
                                                                 reaching that goal within in the
                                                                 first place.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 59 :::


Fine-tuning Your “Intention Compass”
     What if you need work in one or more of the four parts of INTENTION?
     Remember, Intention is the combination of your Intellect resource and your
     Decision-making resource.
     Your Intellect is composed of a certain portion that is EDUCATION and another
     that is EXPERIENCE.
     Your Decision-making is composed of a certain portion that is CONSCIENCE
     and another that is INTUITION.
     Therefore, INTENTION is made of Education, Experience, Conscience and
     Intuition.
     To fine-tune your EDUCATION, learn how to organize: get a day-minder, take
     formal classes, how-to classes, practice being on time and using logic, pay
     attention to HISTORY and learn from it.
     To fine-tune your EXPERIENCE, learn how to be FLEXIBLE and TOLERATE
     disorganization, LIVE—go traveling, to parties or artistic events, take up a
     creative hobby or art, put your whole body and spirit into something that uses
     your five senses, socialize and get a mentor to borrow from their EXPERIENCE.
     To fine-tune your CONSCIENCE, learn face-to-face about the impact that your
     behavior, or DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR in general, has on others. Be open to
     their opinion and experiences about wrongful behavior. Pay attention to the
     general feedback that society gives YOU. You might assume that the behavior
     you were doing was wrong or destructive.
     To fine-tune your INTUITION, go into VARIOUS ENVIRONMENTS and
     LIVE—try many different things out and catalog what ends up being
     DESTRUCTIVE environments for YOU (based on your identity) and what seems
     to be CONSTRUCTIVE environments for you. Be a dabbler, a sampler of
     Environments.

Other Uses of Your Intellect
     We just learned how Intellect combined with our Decision-making power
     composes INTENTION.
     BELIEFS—the “building blocks” of your “reality” which feed information to
     your Intention.
     When Intellect is combined with Boundary Function it is called TIME
     MANAGEMENT.
     When Intellect is combined with Emotional Energy, it is called
     COMMUNICATION.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 60 :::


The Inner Data of Your Intellect Which Also Guides You:
BELIEFS
                                                                    As we’ve learned, we don’t
                                                                    control or have the right of access
                                                                    to the insides of anyone else’s
                                                                    Personal Boundary, so
                                                                    everyone’s beliefs are essentially
                                                                    “right” and “inalienable”.
                                                                    The most we can do in relating to
                                                                    others is to “ADVERTISE” our
                                                                    ideas, not FORCE them on
                                                                    others, which would be a
                                                                    childish, immature “boundary
                                                                    violation”.
                                                                    Those of us with “thin skin” or
     Along your way to goals as you use                             weak boundaries are easily
     your intention, you will hear feedback                         manipulated by the ideas of
     from others, intellectually.                                   others, because they pass right
     Inside you there are also highly                               through our boundary and take up
     important bits of data that often carry                        residence as BELIEFS.
     with them a CHARGE of emotional                                Those of us with mature, strong
     energy. These are your BELIEFS.                                boundaries with DOORS can
                                                                    DECIDE what we want to let in
                                                                    or keep out as far as the ideas of
                                                                    others. They are not as easily
                                                                    manipulated or susceptible to
                                                                    advertising.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 61 :::


BELIEFS
                                                                  This can be a hard concept for
                                                                  people to understand because we
                                                                  all walk around with a different
                                                                  sense of reality” from every other
                                                                  person on earth. Well, BELIEFS
                                                                  make UP our reality. Since we
                                                                  LIVE in that reality, it can be hard
                                                                  to imagine CHANGING it for the
                                                                  better, especially if we tend to be
                                                                  PASSIVE and not make
                                                                  decisions.
                                                                  The environment is RANDOM,
                                                                  always has been and always will
                                                                  be, but it is US who make
    Notice that a BELIEF is something                             meaning out of that randomness.
    that you can DECIDE to support with                           Why not make it for the better?
    evidence or NOT support, building a                           Chop down the legs of those
    better, more useful belief.                                   negative or “limiting” beliefs and
                                                                  start with new evidence for a new,
                                                                  more positive belief.

Time Management
                                                                  Notice how if we combine our
                                                                  Intellect with the workings of our
                                                                  Personal Boundary, it leads to a
                                                                  filter of how we use information,
                                                                  and therefore, how well we
                                                                  MANAGE TIME.
                                                                  There is no TIME for
                                                                  destructiveness that takes a lot of
                                                                  work and energy to correct.
                                                                  There is only TIME for
                                                                  constructive information.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 62 :::


“Perfect” Time Management
          Balance of Time                                       What are your goals in each? We
                                                                all need eight hours of sleep on
                                                                average, but during our work and
                                                                playtime, we often have goals to be
                                                                reached.
                                                                Remember that when we use a
                                                                resource, it costs us a “currency”.
                                                                Well, one currency we can never
                                                                generate MORE of is TIME, other
                                                                than spending as much of it in the
    In “Poor Richard’s Almanac”,                                PRESENT MOMENT as we can,
    Benjamin Franklin once said that a                          because that’s where it is most
    “perfect day” is composed of eight                          VALUABLE.
    hours of work, eight hours of play
    and eight hours of rest”, therefore,
    perfect TIME MANAGEMENT
    would have the same proportions.

“Poor” Time Management
        Poor balance of time                                     Interestingly, the boundary
                                                                 budgets all of our resources. If we
                                                                 look at time, we are talking about
                                                                 the INTELLECT. So notice how
                                                                 one might think of WORK as Left-
                                                                 brained activity that is
                                                                 “industrious” and “PLAY” as
                                                                 Right-brained activity that is
                                                                 “creative”, with “REST” as a
                                                                 “quiescent” period where the brain
                                                                 INTEGRATES the Left- and
    Notice how most of us usually                                Right-brained activity together, to
    budget our time more like this, with                         form what is called
    hardly any rest or sleep, and little                         “SYNTHESIS”.
    play or leisure. This is POOR TIME                           We can’t live an INTEGRATED
    MANAGEMENT, with an out of-                                  life of synthetic intellect without a
    balance budget.                                              better budget of time.
                                                                 Otherwise, we may be “working
                                                                 for nothing” with our Left-brain
                                                                 “frittering our time away” with our
                                                                 Right-brain, or exhausting
                                                                 ourselves, never “getting it
                                                                 together” by depriving ourselves
                                                                 of rest or sleep



          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 63 :::


Communication
                                                                    If I say, “We need to talk” in a
                                                                    happy emotional tone, you get a
                                                                    certain meaning from that,
                                                                    right? A friendly thing.
                                                                    But if I say, “We need to talk”
                                                                    in a harsh emotional tone like
                                                                    some peoples’ bosses, you get
                                                                    an entirely different meaning,
                                                                    don’t you? A different
    COMMUNICATION is the                                            communication? YES.
    combination of our resources of                                 • Well, the “data” is the same,
    Intellect (data), with Emotional Energy.                        isn’t it? “We need to talk”. So
    Think about cell phones. They transmit                          what is DIFFERENT about the
    data, right? Sure. But do they work                             two messages? The
    without the batteries? NO! So NO                                EMOTIONAL ENERGY
    communication can occur on a cell                               CONTENT!
    phone that has no energy.

The Energy of Communication
    Use good energy in your communications, regardless of the data content.
    Ever hear that 93% of communication is in the face and body posture? Only 7%
    in words and data? Well, now you know why—because COMMUNICATION is
    part Intellect (data) and part Emotional Energy.
    We can send CONSTRUCTIVE IDEAS at others, but if they are coupled with
    DESTRUCTIVE energy, they will still come across as DESTRUCTIVE
    COMMUNICATION.
    And even DESTRUCTIVE IDEAS can sometimes be accepted and palatable to
    people if we send them with CONSTRUCTIVE ENERGY—a cardinal rule of
    both politics and advertising.
    NOW, we’d best begin to learn about our THIRD INNER PSYCHOLOGICAL
    RESOURCE, called EMOTIONAL ENERGY.




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 64 :::


Now You Have Learned To Master Your SECOND Inner
Resource: Intellect, Which Leads To Success




    In mastering INTELLECT, you also become a master of the use of TIME, since
    time is the “currency of the intellect”.
    Efficient use of time leads to success since it costs time to get there.
    Time to learn now about your THIRD and last Inner Resource.

Emotional Energy: The THIRD INNER RESOURCE
    This is the good stuff. The THIRD and LAST INNER RESOURCE needed in
    order to get DURABLE FULFILLMENT. This is what everybody wants to talk
    about. The problem is that without all the other great things we learned, how
    could we possibly use our energy wisely? We’d have a leaky boundary to hold it,
    and we’d SUFFER it away. We’d not use it wisely to get to our goals and fritter it
    away. Without mastery of our Personal Boundary, Decisions and Intellect, all the
    great energy in the world is all for naught.
    Emotional Energy in us can take a Positive or Negative form. The positive form is
    called Self-Esteem (HAPPINESS), and the negative form is called Displeasure,
    which is a combination of either Anger, Anxiety or BOTH.
    We’ve already learned that Emotional Energy + our Intellect (data) =
    COMMUNICATION.
    Well, Emotional Energy + Decision-making power = ACTION.
    And Emotional Energy + Personal Boundary function = POWER or charisma of
    personality.




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 65 :::


Action
                                                       - because DECISIONS can only be done
                                                       in the Present Moment.
                                                               Notice that UNDIRECTED,
                                                               UNINFORMED ACTION lacks
                                                               WISDOM, which is a function of
                                                               Decision-making. Therefore,
                                                               undirected, uninformed ACTION
                                                               is the same as SUFFERING.
                                                               • ACTION is best used efficiently
                                                               AFTER you use your
                                                               INTENTION ability to nearly
                                                               GUARANTEE successful use of
                                                               the energy contained in it. (Aim
    ACTION has energy to it, but it also                       for the stars with your COMPASS,
    needs a SPARK, an initiation. That                         and THEN shoot for those stars).
    spark is your decision to initiate.
    You may recall that ACTION is one
    of the things that can only be done in
    a “Present Moment” mindset. Now
    you know why -

Power (or Charisma)
                                                                This means that in life, the more
                                                                POWER you have, the more you
                                                                can get done for the least effort—a
                                                                nice situation indeed.
                                                                We don’t control others giving us
                                                                POWER, we only control the
                                                                efficiency of our use of the energy
                                                                contained in POWER.
                                                                Have you ever seen the Anthony
                                                                Hopkins film, “Instinct”? It is a
    In Physics, “POWER” is defined as
                                                                lesson in POWER. It says the only
    the “work done per unit time” or the
                                                                POWER we have socially is
    “rate of change of energy in a
                                                                GIVEN by others. Well, that’s half
    system”.
                                                                the equation. The truth is that if we
    TIME is the crucial currency spent
                                                                use our Boundary DOORS in a
    in getting to a GOAL, and GOALS
                                                                WIN/WIN way, we give others
    take work to reach. However, most
                                                                deals they can’t refuse. And they
    of us want to be able to accomplish
                                                                EMPOWER us because they
    the MOST WORK we can in the
                                                                simultaneously EMPOWER
    shortest amount of time, expending
                                                                themselves.
    the least energy in that work.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                 ::: 66 :::


Mature Masculine Power
Mature
Masculine Power = Observing Ego
                   + Mature Boundary Function (Doors)
                   + Confidence

Power (or Charisma), Communication & Politics
      You may recall that POLITICS = Decision-making + Personal Boundary
      function.
      We just learned that POWER = Emotional Energy + Personal Boundary function.
      And COMMUNICATION = Decision-making + Emotional Energy.
      Why do these three human skills so often go hand-in hand? You may notice that
      if you have mastered only one of the three INNER RESOURCES that compose
      them, you have a “leg up” on dominating two-thirds of this trifecta of
      LEADERSHIP. And if you have mastered TWO of the Prime INNER
      RESOURCES, you have at least partial mastery of all three skills of leadership.
      These three skills of leadership are very intertwined with each other: There is
      some POLITICS AND POWER in all good COMMUNICATION. There is
      POWER and effective COMMUNICATION in all good POLITICS and there are
      some good POLITICS and effective COMMUNICATION in all POWER. They
      are like the three smaller ropes that compose a thick bull rope.
      Notice how Intellect is interestingly NOT a component of ANY of the THREE
      CARDINAL HUMAN SKILLS OF LEADERSHIP.
      Do you now understand how it is that brilliant scientists sit on the sidelines of
      current events, while many extremely POWERFUL politicians, pop stars and
      even dictators do not seem all that bright? Apparently you don’t have to be a
      genius to be powerful.

The Relationship of Positive & Negative Emotional Energy
      Did you ever notice that some people seem to “drain” you and others “energize”
      you? Drain you of what? Energize you with what? SELF-ESTEEM, the Positive
      Emotional Energy.
      Did you ever notice that when you go to a party, there are clusters of people? You
      will find 100% of the time that the person at the very center of each cluster is the
      most POWERFUL person of the cluster—the one with the highest Self-Esteem
      and most mature Boundary function.
      Of those clusters, the person at the center of the LARGEST cluster is the MOST
      POWERFUL person at the whole party, and the least powerful are the ones at the
      periphery of the smallest cluster. Try observing this. It is true, every time.
      When someone “drains” our positive energy, it is negative energy that is left in
      the vacuum afterward. These two are like “matter” and “anti-matter” from
      Physics.
      Negative Emotional Energy takes the form of either ANGER, ANXIETY or
      BOTH.
      When someone drains our Self-Esteem, we feel a bit more ANGRY, ANXIOUS
      or both.

            ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 67 :::


The Spectrum of Negative Emotional Energy




    You have NEVER heard of this before, but when you examine it, you’ll find it
    true: ANGER and ANXIETY are OPPOSITE emotions.
    If you notice what happens when an “angry” bank robber hears police sirens, he
    RUNS, no longer angry, but a bit more anxious. He has had his anger get an
    injection of anxiety, “neutralizing it.”
    If you notice what happens when an anxious employee reaches his limit of abuse
    and threats of layoff, he gets ANGRY and quits, or in rare cases, becomes violent
    in the workplace. Afterward, he feels more neutral, not anxious anymore.




    Notice that EVERY uncomfortable emotion you have ever had is a combination
    of some percent ANGER and some percent ANXIETY.
    It doesn’t matter what words you use to describe your uncomfortable emotion.
    Just keep out the data on the event or situation—that is
    INTELLECTUAL. What are left are some anger and some anxiety.
    Notice that the closer you are to the center of the spectrum, the closer you are to
    “neutrality”, or NO EMOTION. This is not POSITIVE, it is just neutral
    What this means is that if you want to MASTER ANY NEGATIVE EMOTION
    you ever feel, all you need to know is how to master Anger and Anxiety!
          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 68 :::


Why work in spectra?
     All human states of being are not possible to label and put in little boxes. Human
     behavior is always on a SPECTRUM. In the morning we may be angry and in the
     evening be anxious. We may be organized in the morning and creative at night.
     We are always more of “one thing” or more of its “opposite”.
     So I ask you: what is contained between the two ends of any spectrum of
     something? EVERYTHING! Every possible condition of a thing is contained in a
     spectrum of it.
     For example, all visible colors—mauve, ochre, puce periwinkle, as well as purple,
     green and other standard colors—are contained WITHIN the two ends of the
     rainbow, from RED to VIOLET.

Positive Emotional Energy
                                                                   We must learn to TRANSFORM
                                                                   that energy into a Positive form
                                                                   of Emotional Energy.
                                                                   The two ends of the spectrum of
                                                                   Positive Emotional Energy (Self
                                                                   esteem) are called well-being and
                                                                   Confidence.
                                                                   The balance point of having both
                                                                   of these two kinds of Self-esteem
                                                                   is called
                                                                   HAPPINESS.


     So what do we do with our Negative
     Emotional Energy once it has broken
     into our Personal Boundary?

Self-esteem
     PAY ATTENTION. You have never heard of this either.
     Positive Emotional Energy is the exact same thing as Self-Esteem. Being full of
     Self-Esteem is the exact same thing as the state called HAPPINESS.
     I have never heard of a person who is chronically depressed or anxious having a
     DURABLY high Self Esteem.
     I have also never heard of a person with DURABLY high Self-Esteem get very
     depressed or anxious for very long.
     Do you see what this means? SELF-ESTEEM is the ultimate antidote to non-
     biological DEPRESSION and ANXIETY, and we are going to learn EXACTLY
     how to build it in a way TAILORED to YOU.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 69 :::


The Anatomy of Self-Esteem
    There are TWO KINDS of Self-Esteem:
    WELL-BEING is a “nurturing” energy, feels like “being mothered” or having
    “one’s needs met”. If you were an auto, this is your OIL.
    CONFIDENCE is an “energy of action”, feels like “being fathered” or being quite
    capable of tolerating risk, loss or change. If you were an auto, this is your
    GASOLINE.
    In order to feel perfectly HAPPY, we need EQUAL amounts of both of these
    Self-Esteems. Just as a car needs both gas and oil to run properly, humans “run”
    on energy too—Emotional Energy.
    Have you ever seen a very satisfied person, with all their needs met? Are they
    absolutely happy if they are not confident? No. This is why wealth does not
    guarantee happiness. Your needs are met, but you can’t protect them. You are an
    auto with OIL and no GAS.
    Have you ever seen a very confident person who also didn’t take care of herself or
    nurture herself? Someone very confident, but lacking any caretaking from
    others—the “fiercely independent” person? Are they absolutely happy? NO! This
    is why gang members and terrorists are not happy. They are like an auto with lots
    of GAS and no OIL.
    We all need both, a source of MOTHERING and FATHERING throughout life,
    but especially early in life, whether from two parents, or both energies from the
    same single parent.

The First Law of Thermodynamics: What?
    In Physics, the First Law of Thermodynamics states: “energy is neither created
    nor destroyed”, it can only be transformed from one form to another.
    What this means for humans is that since we “do work”, we “run on energy”, such
    as in the former metaphor of us being like automobiles as far as the energy
    process.
    All energy processes have two forms. One of the most general distinctions in
    Physics is that of “Potential Energy” and “Kinetic Energy”.
    Potential Energy is a stored, quiescent energy that can later be transformed. It is
    similar to the Well-being stored in us.
    Kinetic Energy is a spent energy of action that can be tempered, cooled again and
    transformed as well.
    We need to learn how to TRANSFORM ENERGY into forms that we need at the
    time we need it. We need to learn how to TRANSFORM STRESS, ANGER and
    ANXIETY into SELF-ESTEEM instead.




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 70 :::


The Return of Stress: “What Doesn’t Kill Us Makes Us Stronger”
    Remember, STRESS has two forms:
  − HURT, which if it gets into your boundary, causes ANGER
  − LOSS, which if it gets into your boundary, causes ANXIETY
    All STRESS you have ever been threatened with has been some percent HURT
    and some percent LOSS.
    For example, a large bill in the mail is a LOSS (of money), an insult is a HURT
    and a divorce may have BOTH HURT and LOSS to it as a STRESS.
    Our first line of defense against STRESS is saying “NO” to it with the
    BOUNDARY, but once STRESS gets in you it is YOUR PROBLEM. The
    ANGER and ANXIETY generated then must be TRANSFORMED into Positive
    Energy if you are to make good use of this situation.
    As such, our next diagrams will prove to you visually that “WHAT DOESN’T
    KILL US MAKES US STRONGER.”

Wishing To Control the Past & Future as Forms of Suffering
  NEGATIVE ENERGIES AFFECTING                                        SUFFERING over the future
        YOUR BOUNDARY                                                with ANGER is “jealousy”.
                                                                     SUFFERING over the past with
                                                                     ANGER is “revenge”.
                                                                     SUFFERING over the future
                                                                     with ANXIETY is “worry”.
                                                                     SUFFERING over the past with
                                                                     ANXIETY is “regret”.
     When we try to control the past or the                          When we are Present Minded
     future, neither of which we control,                            and therefore self-aware, we can
     that is SUFFERING.                                              still SUFFER with ANGER in
     There are ways in which we can                                  the action called
     SUFFER using our emotional energy                               AGGRESSION.
     aimed at these time frames that we                              When we are Present Minded
     don’t control.                                                  and therefore self-aware, we can
                                                                     still SUFFER with ANXIETY in
                                                                     the action called
                                                                     IMPULSIVENESS.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 71 :::


The Alchemy of the 1st Law of Thermodynamics
             POSITIVE ENERGIES AFFECTING YOUR BOUNDARY




      Once we have been STRESSED by HURT or LOSS and these have entered our
      Boundary as ANGER or ANXIETY, we now are charged with Transformation of
      Energy into another form, a POSITIVE FORM.
      We are about to learn exactly how this happens.
      We are about to learn every possible interaction between hurt, anger, violence and
      depression, and find a “cure” in Well-being.
      We are about to learn every possible interaction between loss, anxiety,
      impulsivity and addiction, victim-thinking, worry, hopelessness, helplessness,
      regret and find a “cure” in Confidence.
      An EQUAL amount of Well-being and Confidence = HAPPINESS or Self-
      Esteem.

Mature Masculine Power
Mature
Masculine Power = Observing Ego
                   + Mature Boundary Function (Doors)
                   + Confidence

Now You Have Come a Long Way in Mastering the THIRD Inner
Resource: Emotion




      Mastering the THIRD INNER RESOURCE of Emotion leads to HAPPINESS.
      Now we need to bring all we know together.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 72 :::


Remember:
    Mastering EVERYTHING happens by MASTERING THE TWO ENDS of its
    spectrum.
    Time to master ANGER and ANXIETY, and therefore, all emotions through…
    Mind OS™’s Anger Map and Anxiety Map

Let’s Build A “MAP” For ANGER
    If we master these two ends of the emotional spectrum, using an ANGER MAP
    and an ANXIETY MAP, then we learn to master EVERY uncomfortable emotion
    in between.
    To build a MAP we will need to “know the territory.
    That means learning every speck of the possibilities that surround “angry
    situations”.

Anger




    There are only TWO CAUSES of Anger in the world; everything that has ever
    contributed to Anger has been one of these two:
    HURT, that type of Stress attacking your boundary from the OUTSIDE
           Or
    Your NEEDS NOT being MET on the inside, which is the same as being LOW on
    Well-being.



         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 73 :::


ANGER: Caused By HURT or By Your NEEDS Not Being MET
     Say that you went into a store and NONE of your needs in life are met—and I
     mean the things that would make your life IDEAL for you. You don’t have much
     money, no friends, no love, no spouse or partner, no free time, poor health. You
     are LOW on Well-being, that Self-esteem energy that feels like being “mothered”.
     Now say on top of this, the clerk in the store is RUDE to you, making you go to
     the end of the line, which is long. That’s a Stress called HURT.
     What are you likely to feel or do? GET ANGRY!
     Well, what if on the flipside you went into that store and you were FULL of Well-
     being. ALL YOUR NEEDS ARE ALREADY MET. You have as much money as
     Bill Gates, you have a thousand friends, the perfect marriage, no need to work so
     you can spend your time on fun things and leisure, and you have great health.
     NOW, say the store clerk is RUDE to you and makes you go to the end of line as
     a laughing stock (a HURT). What are you likely to do? SHRUG IT OFF! You
     don’t care. I mean, you have more money than Bill Gates and lots of love—what
     do you care? You might even feel bad for the clerk, CHARITABLE, and offer
     him a job with your company since he doesn’t seem to like his current job!
     What is the difference between the two situations? YOU!!! The clerk did the same
     thing each time, but YOU and YOUR LEVEL of WELL-BEING was the
     difference. And guess what? YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR LEVEL
     OF WELL-BEING once you are an adult.

Hurt & Well-Being Are Opposites That Can Cancel Each Other
Out
                                                                 If HURT gets in, then it cancels out
                                                                 an exactly equal portion of your
                                                                 Well-being in a puff of smoke, like
                                                                 anti-matter colliding with matter
                                                                 and leaving an explosion of Anger.
                                                                 If your Well-being is much greater
                                                                 than the Hurt coming at you, then
                                                                 even if Hurt gets in, it is
                                                                 inconsequential.
                                                                 But say you get angry. What you
                                                                 DO with the Anger next REALLY
     In fact, your third inner resource
     that, in this case, is in the form of                       matters.
     Well-being, STRENGTHENS your
     Personal Boundary against the
     Stress called HURT.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 74 :::


The Only THREE Possibilities for Anger
                                                                 Do AGGRESSION, which is a
                                                                 destructive DECISION to use
                                                                 anger in a WIN/LOSE way,
                                                                 hurting others in order to “dump”
                                                                 our anger into their boundary.
                                                            Or
                                                                 • Do ASSERTIVENESS, which is
                                                                 a constructive DECISION to use
     Once Angry, there are only three                            anger in a WIN/WIN way, going
     things you have EVER done with it,                          out and taking care of our needs
     only three options for anger in the                         for ourselves.
     world:
     Get Depressed with it by being
     passive, making NO DECISION,
     which as we know, is like being a
     little “less alive” by definition.

Depression: A “Pot” of Anger




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                             ::: 75 :::


DEPRESSION




   Many will tell you that their DEPRESSION feels like being “less alive”. This is in
   part because Depression is a PASSIVE option for anger.
   When we just let our anger sit inside, it turns on us, making us depressed. Since
   “decisions are the definition of life”, then the first step in curing non-biological
   depression is to start making decisions and to actually start getting ANGRY. Turn
   that “down arrow” to an “up arrow”.
   What if I started out just “sad”. Well, then I am stuck—I need details: What am I
   sad ABOUT?
   “Oh, the JOB”, I say. “I am sad about my job”.
   Well, what are the details I am sad about? Okay, “my boss is mean, the pay is low
   and the hours are long.”
   • Notice how these are actually NEEDS that are not met, and the more detail I
   provide, the more ANGRY I can get about them instead of just being vaguely
   sad”.
   I may be getting ready to DECIDE something about this, and even to TAKE
   ACTION.




        ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                             ::: 76 :::


AGGRESSION
                                                                 AGGRESSION is a destructive,
                                                                 WIN/LOSE action that dumps
                                                                 Anger into someone else’s
                                                                 boundary. As such, it is
                                                                 immature and childish because it
                                                                 DOESN’T RESPECT other
                                                                 people’s boundary. It sees the
                                                                 world as a place of SCARCITY,
                                                                 in which to WIN, someone else
   Okay, now the second option for anger
                                                                 MUST LOSE.
   is to actually DECIDE to use it.
                                                                 “Competition” DEMANDS
   Unfortunately, many people think that
                                                                 Aggression because it demands a
   this is the ONLY way to DECIDE to
                                                                 winner and a loser.
   use ANGER: AGGRESSION, which
   is a destructive, WIN/LOSE way of
   using it.
   So many people just “don’t get angry”
   and leave themselves only the option
   of DEPRESSION.




        ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 77 :::


AGGRESSION & the “Cycle of Violence”
                                                                        Well, as we learned the
                                                                        differences between
                                                                        maturity and childishness,
                                                                        we learned that “immediate
                                                                        gratification” is a
                                                                        characteristic of
                                                                        childishness.
                                                                        AGGRESSION has that
                                                                        feature—it is a quick way
                                                                        out of the discomfort of
                                                                        Anger, by just “dumping” it
                                                                        into others.
                                                                        However, as the Nash
                                                                        Equilibrium taught us, a
                                                                        “mathematical proof of
    Take a job situation; I might gossip,                               karma”, society doesn’t
    criticize the boss, tell everyone “how much                         tolerate AGGRESSION and
    I hate this job” and the like. This would be                        so it HURTS us back to
    emotional aggression. Some might even do                            curtail it.
    physical aggression if they saved up all the                        We can then get into a
    anger in their depression pot down below,                           “cycle of violence” just as
    until it filled up to the brim and exploded!                        the Israelis and Palestinians,
    When people do this with their anger, the                           or Freedom Fighters vs.
    anger explodes out in the “quick-fix” way.                          terrorists. (AGGRESSION
                                                                        can become a
                                                                        DESTRUCTIVE HABIT.)
                                                                        The only possible scientific
                                                                        outcome is the new
                                                                        generation of more HURT
                                                                        and more ANGER




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 78 :::


Aggression Is a Form of SUFFERING Using Anger
                                                                         Since the PAST and
                                                                         FUTURE are not in our
                                                                         CONTROL, then when we
                                                                         burn ANGER on the past or
                                                                         future, it is suffering.
                                                                         Spending Anger on the past
                                                                         is called REVENGE.
                                                                         Spending Anger on the
                                                                         future is called JEALOUSY.
    All SUFFERING takes our energy, whether                              BOTH are childish and
    positive or negative, and spews it out into                          forms of SUFFERING.
    the environment without thought, planning                            BOTH REVENGE and
    or purpose, wasting it on the                                        JEALOUSY are
    “uncontrollable”.                                                    AGGRESSION.



ASSERTIVENESS: The “Third Option” For Anger & the Only
Cure for Depression & Violence




    The ONLY WAY OUT of the discomfort of ANGER, DEPRESSION or
    VIOLENCE is called ASSERTIVENESS, which is the constructive use of anger;
    a constructive decision that sees the world as a place of ABUNDANCE and uses
    WIN/WIN methods.
    You learn to go out independently, patiently, maturely and get your WON
    NEEDS MET without hurting others, using others or doing more HURT to
    anyone.




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 79 :::


ASSERTIVENESS That Generates Positive Momentum & WINS
You Well-Being
         Options for Anger                                     These NEEDS are based on your
                                                               unique IDENTITY, which we
                                                               learned comes through work on
                                                               your Boundary.
                                                               You slowly and patiently use your
                                                               anger to go get those things without
                                                               hurting others.
                                                               Imagine “flying your airplane”
                                                               down toward the GOAL of getting
                                                               your specific needs met. Your
                                                               ANGER is one of the two FUELS
                                                               that your “plane” uses.
                                                               So I QUIT the old job with a mean
                                                               boss, low pay, and high hours to
                                                               take a NEW job that has a nice
                                                               boss, high pay and low hours, after
                                                               slowly researching jobs and/or
                                                               training for one. Doing so doesn’t
                                                               HURT the old employer— they will
    ASSERTIVENESS has patience to                              simply get a foolish replacement.
    it, where you go out there armed
    with severe detail about EXACTLY
    what you need.

The Anger Map Uses All That We’ve Learned
    Here is another example of ASSERTIVENESS that uses good Personal
    Boundary, Conscience, Intuition, Education, Experience and our new knowledge
    about
    Anger and Well-Being:
    Have you ever heard the speech that flight attendants give at the beginning of a
    flight? The one about “cabin pressure” dropping and how oxygen masks will drop
    down?
    What do they always tell you? PUT THE MASK ON YOUR OWN FACE
    FIRST, EVEN BEFORE HELPING CHILDREN! WHY?
    Because what good are you if you go unconscious? You are no help to anyone—
    not your children, not to yourself. To “be a martyr” and give your mask away
    before helping yourself is FOOLISH and childish, not valiant or noble!
    An example of this is similar to what some people do, erroneously thinking they
    are doing the right thing. What if I asked you if you want a million dollars and
    you said “YES, sure”. Then I give you a check from my account, but I say, “Well,
    the only thing is, it’s going to BOUNCE.” Is that noble, valiant and charitable of
    me? NO!! It’s silly, wasteful and disrespectful of you and me. If you have nothing
    to back up your offers to others, you are not being charitable, valiant or noble.

         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 80 :::


    The mature, ASSERTIVE thing to do on the flight is to put your own mask on
    first, THEN help others. You’ll help that many more, after nurturing yourself
    FIRST with WELL-BEING. This is NOT SELFISH, it is MATURE and sensible,
    with a good boundary. To “give your mask away” is none other than CODEPEN
    DENT and giving in to someone else’s NARCISSISM.

The Complete Anger Map




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 81 :::




ANGE R ---------- ANXI E TY
     Now we know everything there is to know about one end of the uncomfortable
     emotion spectrum—ANGER.
     Time to learn about the other end—ANXIETY.
     Once we do this, we can MASTER each and every uncomfortable emotion there
     is, in between the two ends!


          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 82 :::


ANXIETY Has Only TWO Possible Causes
                                                                   So, your Personal Boundary is
                                                                   your FIRST LINE DEFENSE
                                                                   against LOSS. However, if
                                                                   LOSS gets into you, it
                                                                   BELONGS to you and has
                                                                   changed form, into ANXIETY.
                                                                   The thing people often pay less
                                                                   attention to is that the far more
                                                                   common cause is IN us—the
                                                                   fears we have (lack of
                                                                   CONFIDENCE).
    The ONLY two sources of ANXIETY                                • CONFIDENCE actually
    in the world are: LOSS - a stress                              STRENGTHENS our boundary
    coming from outside your boundary,                             against the specific attacker
    and being low on CONFIDENCE                                    called LOSS.
    (fear) - inside your boundary

ANXIETY Has Only TWO Possible Causes
                                                               Let’s say that I have a LOSS
                                                               coming in—a large bill in the mail
                                                               (loss of money), and I am not very
                                                               confident about how money works.
                                                               I can’t even balance a checkbook.
                                                               What will I feel? ANXIOUS!
                                                               But what if I have a great deal of
                                                               CONFIDENCE about how money
                                                               works. Maybe I am trained as a tax
                                                               attorney and a large bill comes in.
                                                               Even if I don’t have any money at
                                                               the time, I will NOT BE
                                                               ANXIOUS, because I know I can
                                                               generate more whenever I want!
                                                               Did you know that at one point,
                                                               Donald Trump’s NET WORTH
                                                               was negative 2 billion dollars? Did
                                                               he care? Did he fret? Well, not
                                                               much.
                                                               The bottom line (no pun intended)
                                                               is that LOSS and CONFIDENCE
                                                               are matter and antimatter. They
                                                               cancel each other out in a puff of
                                                               smoke, and whichever one is
                                                               bigger, WINS.




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 83 :::


The ONLY THREE Possibilities for Anxiety
                                                                  Be a VICTIM and think like one.
                                                                  A destructive decision
                                                                  (WIN/LOSE) of how to think with
                                                                  your anxiety—carrying with it
                                                                  helplessness, hopelessness, worry,
                                                                  complaint, regret and all the
     Anxiety is not good or bad. Just like                        anxiety symptoms of
     Anger, it is a SIGNAL. It tells you                          DEPRESSION (this is the
     something is wrong and needs to be                           psychological link between
     done.                                                        depression and anxiety).
     When we are anxious, we can:                                 FINALLY, the ONLY WAY OUT
     Be IMPULSIVE or AVOIDANT,                                    of problems of ANXIETY,
     which is the PASSIVE way to let                              IMPULSIVENESS,
     anxiety run your body.                                       AVOIDANCE or VICTIM-
                                                                  IDENTITY is through
                                                                  COURAGE; a WIN/WIN,
                                                                  constructive way to think with
                                                                  anxiety before acting.

Impulsiveness and Avoidance: The Passive Options for Anxiety
                                                                    This reflex makes us either
                                                                    IMPULSIVE or AVOIDANT of
                                                                    things we need to face.
                                                                    We NEED this reflex though for
                                                                    one situation, and one only:
                                                                    SURVIVAL!
                                                                    Yet most of the time, we are
                                                                    NOT under a real threat to our
                                                                    lives. So what happens when we
                                                                    are PASSIVE with anxiety? The
                                                                    reflex drives us to overeat,
                                                                    overspend, and get addicted and
                                                                    a host of other behaviors that
                                                                    ironically, ARE a threat on our
     When we are PASSIVE with our                                   life if we do them enough!
     anxiety and don’t like to make
     decisions, it likes to “go on autopilot”
     and is run by the “fight-or-flight”
     reflex.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 84 :::


Impulsivity & Avoidance
                                                                    Allow ourselves to feel the
                                                                    ANXIETY and then THINK
                                                                    about it. Feelings CAN’T hurt us
                                                                    or cause us more LOSS, only real
                                                                    things can. What if I was afraid
                                                                    of public speaking, lacked
                                                                    confidence in it and feared a
                                                                    LOSS of respect from my
                                                                    audience because I am not so
                                                                    good at it?
                                                                    I might be tempted to run away
                                                                    from speaking engagements,
                                                                    avoiding them or impulsively
                                                                    yelling at those who suggest I do
     The first step to getting out of these                         them (this is where ANGER and
     states that feel like “being less alive”                       impulsiveness connect).
     due to passiveness, is to stop acting                          If I STOP to THINK BEFORE
     without thinking”, which is the                                ACTING, I can get in touch with
     definition of IMPULSIVENESS.                                   this valuable signal called
                                                                    ANXIETY—turn the arrow UP.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 85 :::


“Victim-thinking”: The Second Option For Anxiety
                                                                        Doing this may seem
                                                                        harmless, but it is NOT. You
                                                                        are dumping your anxiety
                                                                        into someone else for them to
                                                                        worry about FOR you when
                                                                        you do this. It is childish,
                                                                        WIN/LOSE behavior where
                                                                        you WIN and someone else
                                                                        LOSES by absorbing your
                                                                        negative energy.
                                                                        Is an adult person who walks
     When we DECIDE to stop and “think                                  and talks and can do adult
     before we act” with Anxiety, we can once                           things EVER TRULY
     again choose to be destructive or                                  hopeless or helpless? NO!
     constructive.                                                      Never. To think otherwise is
     When we think DESTRUCTIVELY with                                   an ILLUSION and it forces
     anxiety, Mind OS calls that “Victim-                               others to work the mechanics
     thinking”, where you take on a “poor me”                           of your ILLUSION. This is
     attitude, erroneously believing that you                           where ANXIETY connects to
     are truly hopeless, helpless, you worry,                           depression.
     complain without offering solutions,
     regret and essentially are WISHING you
     controlled the uncontrollable, “dumping”
     your anxiety into someone else’s
     boundary




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 86 :::


“Victim-thinking”: The Illusion of a “Mountain Out Of a Mole-Hill”
                                                                      Note that all the traits that go
                                                                      with playing the victim are also
                                                                      characteristics of non-biological
                                                                      depression and are an illusion.
                                                                      When we do this attitude long
                                                                      enough, people will get sick of
                                                                      it and turn on us, abandoning us
                                                                      and leaving us with even more
                                                                      LOSS than before.
                                                                      So, a NEGATIVE FEEDBACK
                                                                      LOOP occurs where we get
                                                                      negative momentum for our
                                                                      personal growth.

     When we decide to take the immature
     “quick-fix” of Immediate Gratification,
     we find that others can sometimes be
     convenient “dumping grounds” for our
     anxiety, especially if they have holes in
     their boundary where we can “push
     their buttons” and manipulate them into
     accepting our anxiety.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                  ::: 87 :::


An Example of a “Mole-Hill”




       What if you lost your wallet or purse? You ONE UNIT of anxiety.
       If you then WORRIED about that wallet 10 x what does that do to your brain?
       It gives your brain 10 x loss.
       Now that you’ve WORRIED 10x – acted the victim 10x – you have given your
       brain 10x the experience of LOSS for ONE TIME the wallets.
       Your NEWLY IMAGINED LOSS has generated 10x the ANXIETY in you,
       which then you could put back into the destructive VICTIM CYCLE another 10x
       if you like.
       WOAH! Now you have 100x the LOSS experience for only ONE WALLET, and
       100x the NEWLY INVENTED ANXIETY inside you!
       All you ever had to do is WORRY 1x about it, look for it 1x, and if you can’t find
       it, go buy 1 new wallet and reorder the cards in it.
       Sometimes, in extreme form, this is called OBSESSION and may need a medicine
       like Prozac to fix, but in non-biological OBSESSION, we need to use
       OBSERVING EGO to spot ourselves SUFFERING this way, stop the step from
       ANXIETY to VICTIM-THINKING, and not “make mountains out of mole-hills”.
       Which leads to the ONLY WAY OUT:

Courage
• “It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man
stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to
the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives
valiantly… who knows the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who
at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at worst, if he fails, at
least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid
souls who have known neither victory nor defeat.” ---TEDDY ROOSEVELT.


             ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                          ::: 88 :::


                           OPTIONS FOR ANXIETY




COURAGE is the ONLY WAY OUT of problems with anxiety, victimization,
impulsivity, addictions and lack of confidence.
Interestingly, the film, “Saving Private Ryan” defines COURAGE very
succinctly: “Do the Right Thing”.
Consider that knowing what “the Right Thing” to do is, comes from your TWO
INNER Decision-making resources, CONSCIENCE and INTUITION.
COURAGE then, is not bravery, not fearlessness or any other thing we lack or
acquire—it is a DECISION!
We have no excuses. COURAGE is a DECISION, and if we are alive, we are
capable of decisions, by definition.
COURAGE is a CONSTRUCTIVE way of thinking before acting, done in a
WIN/WIN way that sees the world as a place of ABUNDANCE.
Interestingly, we are most ALONE in the world when we do COURAGE, but
after the moment we do it, the WHOLE WORLD wants to join us.
There is only ONE scenario when you should never do COURAGE—when there
is a THREAT on your LIFE! To do so is FOOLHARDY, not brave.
Even soldiers at war are specifically trained NOT TO DIE in boot camp.
But for all other things in life that cause anxiety, COURAGE is always available
to you!




     ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 89 :::


Doing Courage Leads to Confidence 100% of the Time
                                                       When you do Courage, you have a 100%
                                                       guarantee of reaping an EQUAL amount of
                                                       CONFIDENCE in ratio with the amount of
                                                       Courage put in.
                                                       But we have more and less Confidence
                                                       about SPECIFIC fears. If you list those
                                                       fears then you know the most logical
                                                       targets for your COURAGE - things to
                                                       make GOALS of.
                                                       If I feared public speaking, I could do
                                                       Impulsivity and run away from speeches,
                                                       OR I could give in to them as a victim and
                                                       say, “Gee, I’m not too good at this but I
                                                       hope you like me.” Neither of those will
                                                       get me more confident.
                                                       No. If I do COURAGE—”do the right
                                                       thing”—then I would give 100 speeches to
                                                       get some skill and would feel more
                                                       CONFIDENT about it as a result. It takes
                                                       COURAGE to stand up in front of folks.

Mature Masculine Power
Mature
Masculine Power = Observing Ego
                   + Mature Boundary Function (Doors)
                   + Confidence




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                  ::: 90 :::


The Anxiety Map




Courage: The Moment Of Truth
• “It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man
stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs
to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives
valiantly… who knows the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who
at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at worst, if he fails, at
least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid
souls who have known neither victory nor defeat.” ---TEDDY ROOSEVELT



             ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                     ::: 91 :::




©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 92 :::


Anxiety: Mastery of the Other End of the Spectrum
                                                         Now, using both the ANGER Map and
                                                         ANXIETY Map, you can MASTER
                                                         every possible uncomfortable emotion.
                                                                The solution to it will always be
                                                                some combination of
                                                                Assertiveness and Courage.
                                                                Do these, and you will fill up with
                                                                Self-esteem.


Now You Know Exactly How to Reach Durable Fulfillment & In
the Process, You Now Have the Skill to Solve ANY Problem With
a Solution to Be Had




     How To Solve ANY, & I Mean ANY, Problem
     First, break the problem into its parts: One part Stress, one part Failure; what part
     seems that it would trap you?
     Next, what part of it do you CONTROL right now and what part do you NOT
     control right now? DO NOT SUFFER—let go of what you don’t control about it
     so that you can focus your resources on what you DO.
     Now you can examine your FOUR PARTS OF PSYCHOLOGY to MAXIMIZE
     them against the portion of the problem that you DO control.

How to Solve ANY, & I Mean ANY, Problem
     How can you tune up your Boundary against this problem? Can you block the
     problem at the door first off? Can you have DOORS that let in useful
     resources/keep out the problem, instead of WALLS or HOLES? This makes you
     DURABLE against the problem.
     Is your Decision-making constructive and WISE? Full of an equal amount of
     Conscience and Intuition? As free of “narcissism” or “immaturity” as it can be?
     This gives you Freedom in handling the problem.



           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 93 :::


     Is your Intellect spending time well? Does it use an equal amount of both
     Education’s book smarts and Experience’s street smarts? These get you to goals
     quickly with Success, especially when used as a part of INTENTION.
     Finally, have you mastered the FUEL in your airplane?
     Do you constructively turn ANGER and ANXIETY into Well-being and
     Confidence through the use of Assertiveness and Courage? Can you “mother” and
     “father” yourself with these in order to build self -esteem and therefore
     Happiness?
     The more INTEGRITY you have, the integration of all the working parts of
     CHARACTER, the more FLUID your skill at all the other human tools of life:
     Communication, Politics, Time Management, Power, Action and Belief.
     You will then solve ANY problem that has a possible solution—by reaching
     psychological INTEGRATION.

From Mere “Problem-Solving” To Psychological Integration
                                                                Yet, we also learned that the three
                                                                inner resources: Decisions, Intellect
                                                                and Emotional Energy exist on
                                                                spectra of function.
                                                                • What happens when we want the
                                                                “working parts” of our psychology
                                                                to run in synchrony, like clock-
                                                                work? Well, maybe we should start
                                                                by crossing TWO SPECTRA, so
                                                                that we can SIMULTANEOUSLY
                                                                seek balance at the center of BOTH
     We have been learning about the                            at the same time. Let’s use the age-
     four parts of human psychology:                            old “mind and heart”:
     Personal Boundary, Decisions,
     Intellect and Emotional Energy.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 94 :::


Psychological Integration




     If we take the “cognitive spectrum” for Intellect, with Right-brain, Left-brain and
     “Genius” in the middle, and the “emotional spectrum” with Well being/Anger,
     Confidence/Anxiety and “Happiness” in the middle, then we have a perfect model
     for an energy/information system that shows ALL POSSIBLE human function,
     phenomenologically.
     Phenomenology means: events and behaviors we see on the surface”. As a result
     of seeing all possible human phenomenology of “heart and mind”, we can mark
     the current state and tendencies to operate in certain territory of all possible
     human behavior using simply a “spot” or coordinate.
     As a result, we can actually mark a PATH FOR PERSONAL GROWTH,
     beginning in IMMATURITY on the outer edge of the circle, in a “psychological
     territory” called our TEMPERAMENT (in this case, the King Temperament),
     onward to maturity, personal growth and psychological integration, closer to a
     balanced center in the “center of the circle”.
     TEMPERAMENT is an immature core “style” of intellect, decisions and
     emotional energy that we are all born with. Just like some babies are happy
     babies, some “colicky”, and some curious, shy or rambunctious, we all have
     TEMPERAMENT at our CORE.
     • But, we are challenged in life with growing a Mature PERSONALITY around
     that TEMPERAMENT, by working on all the parts of CHARACTER that we
     have covered in this seminar. Work on your use of Anger, Anxiety, Education or
     in this case, Experience, and you GROW Integrated.




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 95 :::


Psychological Integration the King, Lover, Warrior & Magician
     How does TEMPERAMENT relate to Psychological Integration of mature
     character and personality?
     This is where Jungianism comes in. Karl Jung posited a notion that SYMBOLS
     carry huge amounts of information in a single word or image. In looking at
     mature personality, many writers such as Jung himself, Thomas Moore, the
     Authors Moore and Gillette and others, suggest the four words: King, Warrior,
     Magician and Lover, as comprising different faces of a mature set of human
     skills, encapsulated in four simple words.
     I have taken those words, although we could easily use four others like Leader,
     Enforcer, Emcee and Poet or CEO, CFO, Chief Sales Officer and COO. Whatever
     words you want to use, I have found that four areas of function on my circle
     complete a map of all possible human behavior, and I postulate that at the outer
     ring of that circle, one finds a pure, core, child-like mode of operation that other
     psychiatrists, such as Anna Freud, Klein and others, would call
     TEMPERAMENT. These King, Warrior, Magician and Lover “names”
     correspond to what I call Jungian Temperaments, a new idea not written of
     before.
     So, when one grows from TEMPERAMENT to MATURE PERSONALITY and
     therefore Psychological Integration, how does that work?
     Well, Psychological Integration means that all the aspects of mature character
     have been practiced at and mastered AND they now work in HARMONY, almost
     without your having to think about them consciously. You have made NEW
     HABITS of behavior, even though your original TEMPERAMENT is still a core
     “style” deep within you.
     So, we need to begin with those TEMPERAMENTS and understanding where
     you fit in or start, so that you then know what you need to work on using the rest
     of what I have taught you in this seminar.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                          ::: 96 :::




The KING TEMPERAMENT is Left-brained and more NURTURING
emotionally, more full of Well-being than of Confidence. Kings of olde might
lead, strategize and dispense wisdom, but not be the first to run into battle or
create art.
The WARRIOR TEMPERAMENT is also Left-brained, but more full of
ACTION-PRONE emotion, more full of Confidence than Well-being. Warriors of
olde might charge first into battle and defend others—more men and women of
action than of study and art.
The MAGICIAN TEMPERAMENT is RIGHT-BRAINED and more full of
ACTION-PRONE emotion of Confidence than of well being. Emotionally like
the Warrior, but intellectually creative and innovative, prone to spectacle like a
movie star.
Magicians of olde might rouse a crowd in celebration or provide the King with
secret knowledge and physical devices that further technology. They might also
gather artists to physically produce masterpieces and give the Warriors new
special weapons never thought of before.
• Finally, the LOVER TEMPERAMENT is also RIGHT-BRAINED like the
MAGICIAN, creative and artistic, but less action-prone and more NURTURING,
fuller of Well-being than Confidence. Lovers or “poets and artists” of olde might
paint alone or write stories that inspire the masses. They might comfort the King
one-on-one and feed creative ideas to the Magician who carries them out in
public.

     ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                          ::: 97 :::


It’s that simple. Which one are you born into? Because you will find you want to
grow toward your opposite in order to psychologically INTEGRATE and be more
mature. You find yourself attracted to the opposite temperament in others.




     ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 98 :::


Integration & Self




     If you notice my circle diagram however, you might see that there is no Decision-
     making resource represented yet. If we want to account for all three inner
     psychological resources, we need to add this to it, but decisions being the
     “definition of life” and
     RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR GROWTH more than anything else, they have a
     special way of being shown.
     There was a field of psychology decades ago called “Self Psychology” which saw
     human growth as being composed of a True Self, a False Self and an Ideal Self.
     Designed by Heinz Kohut and Otto Kernberg, it never was represented in diagram
     form. I have done this for you now, for the first time.
     TRUE SELF is your REAL position of function on my map of psychological
     integration. Remember, that many times we “don’t see ourselves as others see
     us”, as poet Robert Burns once said.
     FALSE SELF is an imaginary or wished-for state of function that we all have as
     children and we lose as we mature. Have you heard a child say,” Look Daddy,
     I’m a fireman!” or “Look Mommy, I’m a princess!” Well, no they aren’t. To be
     those things some day would take a lot of work, growth and discipline. Yet, we
     imagine and mimic the psychology of things we wish to be someday.
     IDEAL SELF is a real goal of mature adults to shoot for, but never to be perfectly
     reached. It is AIMED for through constant character growth.
     If you notice what it’s like standing in the plane of the circle and looking out from
     REAL SELF at FALSE SELF, you might see that FALSE SELF can resemble
     IDEAL SELF because you are looking through the center.
     Many people never get out of this perception and never grow because of it. I want
     you to have this new “BIRD’S EYE VIEW” so you can see the difference.
     The notion of these types of SELF is founded in one’s Decision-making and
     therefore ,degree of WISDOM, or the tendency to be CONSTRUCTIVE, not
     DESTRUCTIVE, WIN/WIN, not WIN/LOSE.



           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                ::: 99 :::


     When we put on False Self and pretend • to be what we are not, we usually
     pretend to be our opposite. A man who proclaims how honest he is likely a liar,
     and a woman who proclaims publicly how against sexual perversions she is, is
     likely to be so in bed.
     FALSE SELF is the long, curved arrow to the right in the diagram, and like an
     electron jumping to a high energy state, it takes tons of energy to put on or to
     fake. Eventually, the person tires out of being fake or false and falls down
     exhausted to their original True Self again, only at a lesser energy, and therefore,
     lower health or maturity. This is why FALSE SELF is dependent on WIN/LOSE
     behavior. You can’t maintain that high-energy state forever by yourself without
     USING OTHERS.

Psychiatric Illness VS. Health




     Certain disorders correlate phenomenologically with the four Jungian
     Temperaments. This model leaves out the BIOLOGY of illness that can only be
     helped totally with medicines.
     Well, interesting - all that about ancient kings and warriors. How does it connect
     to modern health and illness?
     As we learned, “phenomenology” is simply about “what you see on the surface”,
     without necessarily explaining what is underneath, operating.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                          ::: 100 :::


The ideas of Mind OS are “timeless”. They explain what we know of the various
theories of psychology, put into one synthesized, unification theory model. As
such, the phenomenology of modern psychiatric disease classifications would be
seen at left, with “Axis I” disorders far out into unhealthy regions, “Axis
II/personality disorders” a bit more functional in society and then relative health
near the center.
Back to the beginning slides, you may recall that all psychiatric problems have
BIOLOGY, PSYCHOLOGY and STRESS to them as causes.
What we have covered has been ONLY the PSYCHOLOGY and STRESS parts
of illness. The BIOLOGY part often needs medicine to help it, but while this is
NOT a course in medicine or meant as a medical treatment, the food for thought
in this seminar is hopefully helpful for people in the psychology and stress areas;
a reminder that YOU have POWER to do good things for yourself and your
mental state, through your decisions, actions and CHARACTER GROWTH.
CHARACTER GROWTH is something that used to be comprehensively taught
through PSYCHOANALYSIS, the only form of therapy that is so deep or
technological as to be able to do this.
• And for millennia prior, it was the teachings of organized religion that
accomplished the same thing for people. These ideas are in line with any
individual’s personal spirituality and can work hand in hand with it, encouraging
it. If you look at some of the words we use in Mind OS, notice that things like
regret, revenge, worry, complaint, jealousy, destructiveness, hurt, loss,
impulsiveness and others are often mentioned in religions also, as sins for
example. Now you see where science comes in to those old, wise teachings on
human character.




      ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 101 :::


Psychological Perfection: A Goal Never To Be Reached, But a
Guide to Life




     Mind OS™ then, as the operating system of the human mind, DOES work just
     like WINDOWS™--phenomenologically simple appearing, visual and easy to use
     with normal everyday words on the surface,
     But “underneath” the pictures, as in a computer’s “machine code” or “source
     code”, there is complicated and elegant science at work; a true unification and
     synthesis of the ideas of dozens of former theories such as Self Psychology,
     Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic and Freudian Therapy, Object
     Relations, Jungian theory, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Cognitive Science and
     AI, “Positive Psychology”, NLP and a host of others, posited in both hard science
     and the self-help industry.
     If we wanted to bring it all together in yet another way, we could represent the
     inner resource of Decisions, the definition of life, as a third axis on the diagram,
     making it three dimensional. A sphere, whose center is “perfect” psychological
     function with WISDOM, GENIUS and perfect, durable HAPPINESS, “perfect”
     character, whose reward over a lifetime is “perfect” Durable Fulfillment - a goal
     that is impossible to reach - for that would be the functioning of GOD. These
     traits are only something to AIM for and be content with doing our best.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 102 :::


    But from a symbolic and theological sense, notice something about my integration
    diagram: we humans like to measure things in square, or “Cartesian” coordinates,
    and yet those coordinates are cast within a circle or sphere known to be the
    “perfect” shape, the “shape of the Divine”. And so, built into this diagram is the
    symbolic notion of man in the terrestrial measure, aspiring toward the impossible
    to reach “Divine” measure.
    If in the Judaism tradition, sin is “missing the mark”, then we imperfect humans
    will always do so, but we can always be working to improve our aim, to be more
    on the mark of high character that God condones and loves us to aspire to.

Mind OS: The Operating System of the Human Mind
    This body of work is the culmination of my entire adult learning efforts in
    science, in self-help, in meeting thousands of people and learning from their
    unique stories, from the study of many of the world’s major religions and the
    study of mythology and the writings of the likes of Joseph Campbell, Karl Jung,
    Freud and others.
    It is meant simply to be an alternate view for your consideration, food for thought,
    a push toward curiosity about the wonders of your life.
    While it is elegant, meaning “simple on the surface, but synthesizing of the
    complex underneath”, Mind OS is intended for your use in personal life, business,
    conflict resolution, teambuilding, sales and marketing strategy, relationships,
    romance and any other human endeavor involving groups of people who want to
    work together to find fulfillment.
    Each and every one of the principles you’ve learned apply to groups as well as
    individuals. For example, legally, a business is considered to be a “person” as a
    legal entity. A business has a boundary, decision-making, intellectual property
    and a “brain trust” and emotional energy that it runs on. As we know, energy can
    be converted into any other type or currency. So, to run a business well, you must
    run its psychology well, too.
    Feel free to refer other individuals and businesses to Mystery Industries L.L.C.
    and the Mind OS™ products, seminars, trainings and services. We appreciate
    you!

Thank You
    Mystery Industries, L.L.C. and doctorpaul.net would like to thank you for
    learning more about our technologies.
    If you would like to learn more about the Mind OS family of products, e-books,
    CD/DVD seminars, licensing or live events, write to mike@doctorpaul.net.
    If you would like to join our free newsletter or have a question for me, write to me
    at paul@doctorpaul.net.
    The material presented here is not meant to be medical treatment, but simply
    entertainment and food for thought to get you more interested and involved in
    running your life’s course. For a basic manual on these technologies, check out
    Dr. Paul’s book, “The Tortoise and Hare Quit the Rat Race”.



          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                             ::: 103 :::


WARNING
    This is not medical advice, and what we are sharing are our opinions and our
    experiences… and is what has worked for us.
    If you suspect that you might have any type of medical or psychological problem,
    seek professional help FIRST.
    This material is presented as entertainment only, and is not in any way to be
    confused with medical advice.

In This Program We’re Going To Go “Deep”…
    Most people in our modern society are seeking “quick fixes” for deep problems.
    The problems they’ve created in their lives are almost always much more
    complex than they realize.
    In this program we’re going to take some of the concepts you’ve been introduced
    to in my other programs and focus on DEPTH.
    Some of the material we’re going to cover here is going to challenge you and
    some of it might not be “comfortable”.
    I believe that if you make the commitment to work with what we’re going to
    teach you, you’ll start to find that your problems solve themselves.

Our Goal Is To Help You Succeed With Women and Dating
    The materials, concepts, and tools we’re going to share with you are going to be
    focused on one ultimate goal: Success with women and dating.
    It’s our opinion that women are typically not attracted to men who don’t have
    their “inner game issues” handled.
    We’re going to share our own research, personal step-by-step techniques and
    cutting edge scientific discoveries from others, to help you create an “inner you”
    that naturally attracts women.
    We believe that if you take the tools we’re going to give you and use them,
    success is almost guaranteed.

You Must Commit To 90 Days
    As you’ve probably heard me say before, it’s important for you to “play big” in
    order to change.
    Your inner game issues aren’t going to magically go away just because you
    listened to this program.
    We’ve done a tremendous amount of work bringing all of this wisdom together to
    help you and, if you want to get the most out of it, you’re going to have to play
    big.
    Right now, make a mental commitment that you’re going to work with these
    materials for at least one hour per day, for the next 90 days.
    I know that if you’ll commit to working with, using and practicing this stuff for
    90 days, you’ll form a habit that will serve you long into the future.




         ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 104 :::


Some Questions
    Did you ever find that you couldn't say no to a girl, or were bothered by a girl
    who said no to you... and it just ate you up... to the point where you felt like just
    giving up forever?
    Have you ever changed your identity for a woman and tried to act like you were
    someone different than you are?
    Have you ever stayed in a relationship longer than you should have because you
    didn't feel like you could leave?
    Have you ever been in a long-term relationship that drained you psychologically
    and emotionally, but didn’t know what to do about it?
    Have you ever been taken advantage of by a girl and later got mad at yourself for
    it?
    Have you ever tried to get a girl to lead you… by getting her to choose where
    you’d go for dinner, what you’d do together, etc. only to have her get more and
    more unhappy with the relationship and ultimately leave… even though you were
    just trying to please her?
    Have you ever been paralyzed by analysis… and didn’t feel like you could ACT
    until you had “figured it all out in your mind” first?
    Have you ever been obsessed with a girl and just couldn’t stop thinking about her
    and feeling strong emotions for her no matter what you did?
    Did you ever find that you were just going along, enjoying your life, always busy
    and on the go, and one day you woke up and asked “why don’t I have a great
    woman in my life?”
    Have you ever gotten a great idea that you were going to master an area of your
    life, then gave up early because you didn't have discipline to be organized and
    follow through?
    Have you ever tried out a trick technique that you thought might work with a
    woman… but in the real world, in real time, you couldn't make it happen... you
    screwed up or dropped the ball... but hours later it came to you... what you
    SHOULD have done?
    Have you ever had poor ethics with a woman and used her... and you later missed
    her and felt bad about your behavior?
    Have you ever stayed in the same environment trying this and that but nothing
    worked... and it never occurred to you to move to a different environment?
    Have you ever been paralyzed by fear with a woman?
    Have you ever had an anger or temper problem with a woman (whether or not she
    saw it)?
    Have you ever had a situation with a woman that actually led to depression?
    Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted that one special girl”… even
    though she wasn’t interested in you… and you had many other options?




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 105 :::


Your Top Three Problems
     Write down your top three “inner game” problems.
     Focus on those throughout this program and apply what we’re going to share to
     those three issues… do that now.
     We’re going to share tools to solve those problems and in the process, teach you
     have to do things that will not only help your inner game, but also help you
     become far more attractive to women.

Go Rent Or Buy…
     The movie “The Count of Monte Cristo”, as we’re going to be using it later in this
     presentation as a teaching aid.
     Get the 2002 remake, as that’s the one we’re going to be making reference to
     throughout the later portions of this program.
     Try to watch it as soon as possible, as it contains material that will help you fit all
     the pieces together that we’re going to share with you.

The Wisdom of Milton Erickson
     Milton Erickson was considered by many to be the world’s foremost
     hypnotherapist that ever lived. Hundreds of books have been written about him
     and his work.
     Most of the foundation of NLP came from observing him and distilling his
     Wisdom down to useable Techniques…
     Motivational speakers like Anthony Robbins’ programs are filled with Milton
     Erickson’s work.
     Literally MILLIONS of people have been affected by this man’s work whether
     they are aware of it or not.
     Why am I talking about Milton Erickson?

The Most Powerful Tool I Have Ever Learned I Got From Milton
Erickson
     “Now patients that come to you don’t know exactly why they come and since they
     don’t know what their problems are they can’t tell you, and you listen with your
     background and you don’t know what they are saying, but you better know that
     you don’t know. Too many Psychologists try to plan what thinking they will do
     instead of waiting to see what the stimulus they receive is and then letting their
     unconscious mind respond to that stimulus. I always trust my unconscious”.
                                                    –Milton Erickson (from “Phoenix”)




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 106 :::


How I Applied This to My Life
     When I read this quote, I realized how much I stressed out and worried about
     “doing the right thing with women” or “saying the right thing ”, and how much
     stress and anxiety that caused me.
     I used to screw up so many situations by being nervous and being overly
     concerned with what to do and say that my friends used to call me “Houdini”
     because I was the master of escaping from getting laid.
     I also realized that I had spent a lot of time studying the DYD materials and that I
     already KNEW what I needed to do in most situations. Then I also realized that as
     a human animal, unconsciously, I KNOW what to do past all of the social
     personas, protocol and B.S.
     So I started talking to my unconscious and telling it what I wanted it to produce
     for me and that it will SEE the opportunity that my conscious mind may miss. It
     will SEE subtle cues in women that I may miss. It will SEE potential negative
     things that I may miss. It knows what is best for me.
     AND I RELAX AND LET IT DO ITS THING AND I AM UNATTACHED TO
     THE OUTCOME.

How to Build Status (From the Inside Out)
     Have a clear sense of your boundaries.
     There is nothing that communicates your status quicker than this, not from a
     “whiney” or “victim” spot, but from a place that communicates “high self-
     esteem” and “Self–reverence”. This is done by the way you handle situations that
     compromise your boundaries, your tone, your choice of words and your emotional
     state when communicating. My personal feelings on this can be summed up by a
     quote: “You have to be able to walk away from anything in three seconds when
     the heat is around the corner”. -Robert DeNiro in “Heat”
     What that means to me is, when the B.S. starts, no matter how hot the booty, you
     need to be willing to walk away!!! I have and I do! Your life balance and
     boundaries are more important than any tail, because at the end of the day, after
     it’s all said and done, you have to be with YOU. If you compromise who you are,
     it’s not easy to be in your own skin, so don’t do it!
     Develop emotional control.
     This is also a tell-tale sign of those who have high status, their ability to control
     themselves in spite of whatever is going on, is a huge piece. I use 3 techniques
     (that I will share a little later) to help me get control before I lose it. I was trained
     to be a “whiny little bitch”, because in the family I came from that is what you
     do… you lose control of your emotions. You whine, complain and act like a 4
     year old in the hopes that whatever the offending instance is, it will just disappear.
     That it will say “God calm down, alright, alright, you can have your own way”
     and 90% of the time that doesn’t happen, you just get more upset and give an
     outside circumstance control of your inner state… and yet even though it almost
     never produced the result I was looking for… I did it almost everyday of my life
     for at least the last 28 years! Now I use the “Never let ‘em see you sweat” mindset
     that I got from a mentor of mine.
     Stop seeking other people’s approval!

           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                          ::: 107 :::


This seems obvious enough, yet we all do it. The degree to which you do it, is the
degree to which you put your internal validation and self-esteem in someone
else’s hands. This has been tough for me because David D. and I are best friends.
One would think “Wow, you get to call him up and get coaching from him and
tell him your successes!”. Unfortunately, that isn’t really how it works.
I used to call him up and say, “I got 2 phone numbers last night”, and he would
say, “Well, I am very proud of you!”, or I would say, “I hooked up last night” and
he would say, ”What’s his name?”
Why does he do this?
He does this for one reason, to teach me that I don’t need his approval. At the end
of the day, if you are not on your journey for you, for YOUR reasons and what it
does for YOUR LIFE, then it’s all B.S.
Best friends or not, he doesn’t encourage that unhealthy behavior in others. Look
at your life and see where you are seeking approval from others and ask yourself,
“What is it getting me? Why am I doing it? What if I didn’t tell anyone? What
would happen?”
I am not saying don’t share your successes with others, but know what drives it. Is
it genuine excitement or is it need for validation?
Self–appointment
“You are for you as I am for me your own best authority”
                                                                         -Gerry Spence
You make the rules for your life, no one else does. You can give them the power
if you like, but on your death bed, what will you say about what your life was
about?
If you are not living your life for yourself, the people in your life that are the
closest to you have their own ideas about what you are supposed to be “doing
with your life”, but you decide who you are and what you are about.
 When you give yourself permission to live your own life and self-appoint
yourself to do what ever it is that you set out to do…
You develop an internal sense of self and power that immediately communicates
high status.
The self–esteem that you gain from having your own game in life also ties into
the building of your boundaries and emancipation from seeking others’ approval
as well.
YOU DECIDED TO DO THIS FOR YOU… NO ONE ELSE.




      ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 108 :::


Martial Arts Metaphor and the Journey
     I approach my journey around meeting women (and other skills I plan to do long
     term) like a martial artist.
     When you study martial arts, you truly get that it is a journey, not a destination.
     Even the masters have masters above them and they practice the basics over and
     over. They are committed to the path, not a destination; because life is changing
     and fluid. They must be as well, and they must PRACTICE and FAIL to get
     better. This is accepted and welcomed as part of the path. Why should meeting
     women be any different?
     I used to get really hung up on the outcome of every interaction with women.
     Every time I talked to a woman, I really wanted it to turn out a certain way. If it
     didn’t, I would beat myself up and not want to approach another woman for a
     long time.
     The martial arts metaphor helped me to recognize that failure is necessary and
     that ironically, enough more knowledge and wisdom is gained in failure than in
     success. In most cases I regularly fail… and I welcome it.
     My ego is unaffected in the dojo. Anywhere I am meeting women is my dojo.
     It will take TIME to attain true mastery of this skill. Anything worth doing is
     worth doing well.
     “The reason you are not successful is that you haven’t failed enough. You need to
     fail more and faster”
     The other thing I like about the martial arts metaphor is the unconscious process.
     You train over and over and over for a situation, so that when it happens, you will
     RESPOND UNCONSCIOUSLY. When you are in a fight, it is all happening so
     fast that you don’t even have time to think. You just RESPOND.
     I approach meeting women the same way. I listen to the DYD interviews, do
     affirmations and read books to keep my thinking on track, then when I am out in
     the world and I meet a woman, my unconscious knows what to do. I have taken
     the time to do the work in the dojo. I will keep getting better, as will you,
     Grasshopper.
     “I'm a karate man, see! And a karate man bruises on the inside! They don't show
     their weakness”.
                                                      -Eddie Murphy in “Trading Places”




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                              ::: 109 :::


The Mind Virus of Comparing Yourself to Others
     Imagine that you decided to join a gym and that you made the commitment to
     yourself that you are going to get in shape. When you went there, you saw many
     different people at varying degrees of being in shape.
     You may feel, for a moment, a little intimidated and maybe a little bit
     disappointed that you waited so long to get started, but that would quickly fade
     and you would look around again and see the different levels of development,
     muscle size and growth.
     You would then assess what you want to look like and if you are willing to do the
     work to get it, but you don’t feel bad about yourself and compare yourself
     anymore. You then focus on what you are going to create for yourself.
     I used to go out and compare myself to other guys and think “That guy is better
     looking than me”, or “That guy is in better shape than me”, or ”That guy has more
     money than me” or whatever B.S. that came to mind and I would use it to
     undermine my confidence.
     Now I focus on where I am going and where I came from… On MY strengths and
     successes. I keep getting better because I keep working on myself. Make a mental
     note right now to take some time to think about your strengths and where you
     have come from.
     (Recent Starbucks and club Example)




          ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 110 :::


My View on the Concept of “Competition”!
     This is also something I used to get really hung up on… I used to perceive that I
     was literally “competing” with other men for the attention of women…. and that I
     didn’t like!!! Because I was focusing on their strengths and my weaknesses and I
     would doubt myself and say, “What’s the use!!!”
     I live in San Diego, which statistically is the worst city for men to live in for
     dating. Probably because of the Military presence, it throws off the men to women
     ratio… and that has not been a problem for me… I have to budget my time to fit
     all the women in… Seriously!!!
     This is truly a miracle for me… In the past, I used to budget my hand cream
     supply…
     What I realize now is that so few men really “get it” when it comes to women,
     that there are literally thousands of women to every man that “gets it” in every
     metropolitan area in the U.S.
     The truth is if you understand this stuff, internalize it and become it, there really is
     no “real” competition.
     One exception… If you hang out in places that are a Sausage fest with a lot of
     good looking guys, you may experience a little bit of competition… but most of
     the time, these guys get so drunk and stupid that they screw things up for
     themselves. So, it’s not as bad as you might think... but much worse than the
     competition is the “Cinderella Effect”, which happens when 5 and 6’s are getting
     so much attention that they think they are 10’s. This is much worse than any true
     competition that might be had, because you start to buy into it. Your best bet is to
     leave and save your dignity, otherwise, you may regret it in the morning!!!
     “ If you are not competitive, don’t compete.”
                                        - Jack Welch (former CEO of General Electric)
     “Those who are suspicious of the claims of Mind, body Medicine should consider
     Multiple personality Disorders. Some clinicians say that patients can actually
     “change” their eye structure when assuming different personas… A nearsighted
     person becomes farsighted, a blue eyed person becomes brown eyed… or that the
     patient’s blood chemistry changes along with personality (high blood glucose
     level with one and normal glucose with another)… There are also case
     descriptions of peoples’ hair turning white, literally overnight, after a severe
     psychological shock, and of pious nuns developing stigmata on their palms in
     ecstatic union with Jesus. I find it surprising that despite three decades of
     research, we are not sure whether these phenomenon are real or bogus. Given all
     the hints that there is something interesting going on, why not examine these
     claims in greater detail? Are they like Alien abduction and spoon bending, or are
     they genuine anomalies, like x-rays or bacterial transformation that may someday
     drive paradigm shifts and scientific revolutions?”
                               -V. Ramachandrian P.H.D. (from “Phantoms in the Brain”)
     Why do I put this quote in here?...




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                 ::: 111 :::


What Are You Capable Of Creating For Yourself ?
       In “Psycho-cybernetics”, Dr. Maltz talks about a guy from South America that
       came in to get some work done on himself and it cost him his whole life savings.
       The surgery was a success. However, the man’s girlfriend left him because he
       spent all of his life savings. Because of his cultural background, he believed in the
       power of curses. A few days later a bump appeared on this man’s lip and a friend
       told him that it was the curse (some bug that gets into you and kills you) and that
       he would die shortly. Literally overnight, this man lost a bunch of weight and his
       hair turned gray and he looked like he was dying. Fortunately, he had a follow up
       appointment with Dr. Maltz he explained his situation. Maltz told him it was just
       a piece of scar tissue… not the curse (the bug). He removed the tissue and the
       man returned to normal shortly afterward.
       Get rid of the bug of your self-doubt, cut out the scar tissue of your past and move
       on.

Gaining Leverage Over Your Emotions
The four ugly heads of Anger…
            1. The initial offending event…
            2. The wave of emotion that follows…
            3. The reinforcement in the belief that external events have control over your
                emotions and…
            4. The self–esteem loss associated with you not being able to control
                yourself.
       That being said, what is really worth getting angry about?
       These days, if I get angry, I quickly leverage it in a way to create change (usually
       in myself), then when I am sure that it has done its job, I let it go.
       If it doesn’t create change, I have no use for it.
       Acceptance vs. Resistance (traffic story)
       Decision vs. Indecision
       Victim/Injustice vs. Life student (airport story)




             ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 112 :::


Gaining Leverage on Your Ego!
     Most men (myself included) do not like to fail, do not like to admit we are wrong
     and absolutely never, under any circumstances, want to look “dumb”.
     When you go through any of these things, the ego feels assaulted and it takes
     steps to protect itself. The problem with this is that most of the useful learning and
     wisdom is lost because of the ego “protecting itself” by making excuses and
     putting the responsibility outside of itself.
     When I realized that, it occurred to me that because my ego is always there and it
     is going to get involved, I need to tell it how to process the information.
     What I tell myself is “I am on a journey that most will never undertake. I am
     going to learn things that most will never know and that will require me to fail a
     lot and look dumb at times. But who I am is bigger than my need to protect my
     ego, and at the end of the day, I get stronger and farther down the path for doing
     the things that most won’t do”.
     This allows my ego to take the smites, because I have reframed the experience to
     a greater frame and context; to a journey, a mission, a calling.
     At the end of the day I can take pride in my failures instead of beating myself up
     over it.

Depression and the Garden of the Mind
     My journey with depression. (Observing) (Dan Sullivan)
     I like the metaphor of the mind being like a garden.

The Mind Is a Bullshit Creating Machine
     It is going to do so everyday for the rest of your life unless you get involved…
     and fill it with what you want to create!!!
     So start creating some positive affirmations for yourself.

Somewhere Along The Line You Made Up Who You Think You
Are & Stopped Challenging It!
     Most of the components of which you are not even aware of (remnants from my
     rock-n’-roll days).
     Why not dig in and see what you really think about who you are… AND
     DECIDE IF IT STILL FITS WITH WHAT YOU WANT TO CREATE!!!

I Don’t Know Who You Are But I Know Who You Are Not
     You are not your past!
     You are not where you came from!
     You are not your family!
     You are not really even who you think you are now but you identify yourself with
     it. Start architecting your new self.




           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                               ::: 113 :::


Some of My Personal Favorite Affirmations
     Things just work out for me in life!
     My life just keeps getting better and better everyday!
     I am strong powerful, committed and driven!
     I adapt and overcome at lightning speed!
     I am comfortable with hot women being attracted to me.
     I am the Power!
     Build your own that speak to you.

Don’t Be Afraid To Reinvent Yourself
     Actors and musicians do this regularly. Think of the careers of Sting, Madonna,
     U2 and countless others.
     I give you permission to reinvent yourself! Are you going to give yourself
     permission?
     Your core self will remain the same. It is not part of your persona or ego. It is
     safe.
                                                                            (Ken Wilber)

Never Dramatize Human Nature
     Your ability to understand and ACCEPT Human nature will give you a
     tremendous advantage in many areas of your life. People do stupid things. They
     lie, they steal, they avoid pain, they flake out, they create drama, etc.
     That has nothing to do with you.
     I used to freak out if I met a woman and things were going well… then we made
     plans to get together and either she doesn’t return my call or flakes out, or
     whatever.
     I would internalize it and make it mean something about me; and the reality is, it
     probably had nothing to do with me. It is just what women do and YOU WILL
     NEVER CHANGE HUMAN NATURE!!! SO GET OVER IT!
     It will happen from time to time, and chances are it has nothing to do with you.
     Your ability to really UNDERSTAND that this is what humans do helps you to
     not take things personally!

My Past Beliefs About Who I Was & What I Could Do
     That I would be overweight for the rest of my life that there was no hope for me.
     That I was not interesting to women and that it would only be a matter of time
     before they would figure out what a geek I was and how afraid I was of them.
     That I couldn’t dance. That if I danced with a woman she would be embarrassed
     of me and I would look like a fool.
     That if I ever had to speak in public I might have a heart attack!!! This was one of
     my worst fears of all!!!
     That I didn’t deserve to be with an attractive woman.
     That at my core being I was a “loser”, that everything good in my life was just
     “lucky” and that it could be taken away at anytime.



           ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                 ::: 114 :::


Let Yourself Be Human & Forgive Yourself !!!
       When you admit your weaknesses and accept them, you start the healing inside.
       You stop resisting and open the door for change.
       The only thing that exists right now is the present moment. All of the past does
       not exist except in your memories. It is non–existent in the world outside of your
       mind, yet you live like it’s still real. Let it go.
       We all have places we are insecure and have fears. All of us… everyone! Most
       don’t talk about it or acknowledge it, but it’s there. Let yourself off the hook for
       being human, just make the decision to never stop growing and challenging the
       boundaries of what you think you are and what is possible for you.

Develop a “Panic Room” In Your Mind
       Create a place in your mind where your inner self is housed, that is a place where
       your inner self is protected from any outside force. It is safe and protected from
       everything in your external environment.
       This allows you to move through fear easier. When you know your deepest self is
       safe, belief that anything can truly “hurt” you is put into proper perspective.

 “Of all the traps and pitfalls in life, self disesteem is the deadliest and the hardest to
overcome, for it is a pit designed and dug by our own hands, summed up in the phrase,
‘It's no use - I can't do it.’ ”
                                                                               - Maxwell Maltz

“Often the difference between a successful man and a failure is not one's better abilities
or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on his ideas, to take a calculated risk, and to
act. ”
                                                                             - Maxwell Maltz


“A man has as many social selves as there are individuals who recognize him. ”
                                                                        - William James

“Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of
any misfortune. ”
                                                                        - William James

“When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned
skyward, for there you have been and there you will always long to return. ”
                                                                      - Leonard da Vinci

“Every now and then go away, have a little “ relaxation, for when you come back to your
work your judgment will be surer. Go some distance away because then the work appears
smaller and more of it can be taken in at a glance and a lack of harmony and proportion is
more readily seen. ”
                                                                       - Leonard da Vinci


             ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                 ::: 115 :::


“He who loves practice without theory is like the sailor who boards ship without a rudder
and compass and never knows where he may cast. ”
                                                                       - Leonard da Vinci

“If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. ”
                                                                    -Abraham H. Maslow


“A particularly beautiful woman is a source of terror. As a rule, a beautiful woman is a
terrible disappointment. ”
                                                                         - Carl Gustav Jung


“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. ”
                                                                                          - Carl Gustav Jung


A certain degree of neurosis is of “ inestimable value as a drive, especially to a
psychologist. ”
                                                                            -Sigmund Freud


“A man should not strive to eliminate his complexes but to get into accord with them;
they are legitimately what directs his conduct in the world. ”
                                                                         -Sigmund Freud


“Neurotics complain of their illness, but they make the most of it, and when it comes to
taking it away from them they will defend it like a lioness her young. ”
                                                                          -Sigmund Freud


“The more you seek security, the less of it you have. But the more you seek opportunity,
the more likely it is that you will achieve the security that you desire. ”
                                                                             -Brian Tracy


“If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick
out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and
correct them in myself. ”
                                                                               - Confucius


“The most common lie is that which one lies to himself; lying to others is relatively an
exception. ”
                                                                     -Friedrich Nietzsche


             ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo
                                                 ::: 116 :::




“Freedom from the desire for an answer is essential to the understanding of a problem. ”
                                                                      -Jiddu Krishnamurti


“If you are living out of a sense of obligation you are slave. ”
                                                                                             Dr. Wayne Dyer


“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our
response. In our response lie our growth and our freedom. ”
                                                                         -Viktor E. Frankl




             ©2005 All Rights Reserved. – Double Your Dating “Deep Inner Game” with David DeAngelo

				
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Description: Once upon a time, in the fair land of France, there lived a very powerful lord; the owner of estates, farms and a great splendid castle, and his name was Bluebeard. This wasn't his real name, it was a nickname, and due to the fact he had a long shaggy black beard with glints of blue in it. He was very handsome and charming, but, if the truth be told, there was something about him that made you feel respect, and a little uneasy... Bluebeard often went away to war, and when he did, he left his wife in charge of the castle. He had had lots of wives, all young, pretty and noble. As bad luck would have it, one after the other, they had all died, and so the noble lord was forever getting married again.