How To Keep Love Alive

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					                                                 Presented by Daniel Toriola

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                                            Are You Controlling or Loving Yourself?
                                                         By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

  Are You Controlling or Loving Yourself?
 by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

How often do you hear a parental voice in your head that says things like, “You’ve got to lose weight,”
or “You should get up earlier every morning and exercise,” or “Today I should get caught up on the
bills,” or “I’ve got to get rid of this clutter.” Let’s explore what happens in response to this voice.

We have a very good reason for judging ourselves: the judgmental part of us believes that by judging,
criticizing, “shoulding” ourselves, we will motivate ourselves to take action and therefore protect against
failure or rejection. We may have been judging ourselves to get ourselves to do things “right” since we
were kids, hoping to keep ourselves in line. And we keep on doing it because we believe it works.

Let’s take the example of Karl, who is a high-powered executive in a large accounting firm. Karl has
had a heart attack and is supposed to watch his diet. Right after his heart attack, he did well avoiding
sugar, fats, and overeating, but after six months or so, he found himself struggling with his food plan. In
our counseling session, Karl told me he was upset with himself for having a big desert as well as a big
meal the night before. I asked Karl to put himself back into the situation and recreate what he had been

“Well, I was out to dinner with one of our biggest clients. He asked me a question and I didn’t
remember the facts, so I couldn’t answer him. As soon as this happened, that voice came into my head
telling me that I’m stupid, that I should have remembered it and ‘What’s the matter with me anyway?’”

“What did you feel as soon as you judged yourself?” I asked.

“Well, looking back, I think I felt that sad, sort of dark empty hollow feeling I often get inside. And you
know what - that’s when I started to eat a lot of bread with tons of butter and ordered the desert! I didn’t
realize it was in response to that empty feeling that I hate!”

“So the sad empty feeling is what you feel when you judge yourself. Judging yourself is an inner
abandonment, so your Inner Child then feels alone, sad and empty. You are telling your Child that he is
not good enough. I know that you don’t do this with your actual children, but you do it a lot with

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                                                                                                                  Page 1
                                                 Presented by Daniel Toriola

yourself, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I think it do it all the time. After I judged myself for not knowing the answer, then I judged myself
for eating too much and having desert. And then I felt even worse.”

“So what did you hope for by judging yourself?

“I guess I hoped that I could control my eating and also get myself to work harder so I wouldn’t forget

“It doesn’t seem to be working.”

“No, it just makes me feel terrible. In fact, I can see that judging myself for not knowing the answer
made me feel so badly that then I wanted to eat more. Instead of giving me more control, it gave me

“So you are trying to have control over yourself through your self-judgments, but what actually happens
is that you feel awful and behave in addictive ways to avoid the pain. I think what also happens is that
some part of you goes into resistance to being judged and told what to do, so you end up doing the
opposite of what you tell yourself you should do.”

“Right. As soon as I tell myself not to eat so much and judge myself for eating, that’s when I really want
to eat. So I’m eating to not be controlled and also because in judging myself I’m abandoning myself,
which makes me feel sad and empty, and I’ve always used food to fill up that emptiness. Whew! How
do I stop this cycle?”

“You can’t stop it until you are conscious of it. As long as you are doing it unconsciously - on automatic
pilot - you have no choice over it. So the first thing you can do is not try to change it but just notice it.
As you become very aware of this pattern, you will have the choice to change it. You will have the
choice to be loving and caring toward yourself instead of judgmental once you become aware of what
you are doing. You can start by noticing every time you feel that empty sad feeling, and then exploring
what you were telling yourself that led to the painful feeling.”

Karl did start to notice and over time was able to stop judging himself. Not only did the sad empty
feeling that he had experienced so often in his life go away, but he was able to keep to his medical
nutrition plan for his heart. When his Inner Child felt loved instead of judged, he didn’t need to eat to
take away the pain.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To
Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: or Phone sessions available.

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                                 Presented by Daniel Toriola

                                          Keeping Love Alive
                                        By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Keeping Love Alive
 by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

When I was 24 years old I fell madly in love. I was madly in love for three weeks, and then spent the
next 30 years struggling to regain and maintain that wonderful feeling. In the course of my long
marriage and in the 35 years I’ve been counseling individuals and couples, I’ve learned what it takes to
keep love alive and what diminishes the feelings and experience of love.

The concept of what it takes to keep love alive is really quite simple, but not so easy to do. The simple
answer is this: love flows between two people whose hearts are open to learning and to sharing love.
The hard part is keeping the heart open.

Before I go more deeply into what does keep love alive, I want to focus on what doesn’t work to keep
love alive. The bottom line of what diminishes or even eventually kills loving feelings is controlling

There are two major forms of controlling behavior that always result in dampening loving feelings:

Overt control such as anger, blame, criticism and judgment, defensiveness, lecturing, teaching,
righteousness, physical violence, and so on.

Covert control such as withdrawal, withholding truth, compliance, giving oneself up, resistance, denial,
and so on.

None of us like to be controlled. Most people, in the face of controlling behavior, react with their own
controlling behavior. Controlling behavior diminishes love because the focus is on changing the other
person rather than on changing yourself. When the intention of your behavior is to change your
partner’s feelings or behavior, your behavior will often be experienced by your partner as manipulative
and/or rejecting. Trying to change how someone feels about you or treats you with overt forms of
control feels manipulative and rejecting to your partner, while covert forms of control such a
compliance or “niceness,” feels manipulative and inauthentic to the other person.

The good news is that love can be kept alive, even in long-term relationships. Love is kept alive when
each person is more devoted to learning about being loving to themselves and to each other than to
getting love. The moment the intention is to get love, controlling behavior takes over. In any given
moment, we either want to be loving and share love, or to get love. Trying to get love diminishes love.
Being loving and sharing love keeps love alive. Being loving and sharing love means:

Each person learns to take responsibility for your own feelings rather than making the other person
responsible for your feelings of worth, lovability, security, happiness, joy or pain.

Each person has your own and your partner’s highest good at heart. Each of you supports your own
and your partner’s joy and well being. Both of you are considerate of the other person without giving
yourselves up.

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                                 Presented by Daniel Toriola

Each person chooses to be honest and authentic about how you feel and what you want and don’t
want. You are willing to speak your truth without blame or judgment.

Each person stays open to learning about your own and your partner’s wants, needs, and fears,
especially in conflict.

What keeps love alive is each person’s willingness to do whatever inner work is necessary to keep the
heart open to loving and learning. Controlling behavior is motivated by fear – of loss of self and loss of
other, of engulfment and rejection, of smothering and abandonment. When each person is willing to do
the inner work necessary to heal these fears, they are able to keep their hearts open more and more of
the time. Love flows freely when hearts are open to loving and learning.

Practicing the Six Steps of Inner Bonding that we teach is a powerful way of doing this inner work.
Partners who both consistently practice this process discover the great joy of keeping their love alive.
Even when it seems that there is no way to get love back, it does come back when both partners are
devoted to learning to take loving care of themselves and to sharing their love with each other.

We cannot give to another what we do not have within. Inner Bonding is a process for creating so
much love within that it comes spilling out, to be joyously shared with others.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To
Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: or Phone sessions available.

                                                                                                           Page 4
                                   Presented by Daniel Toriola

Related eBooks:

Keeping Love Alive
7 Rules For Saving Your Marriage
What Is A Boundary?
Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior
What Is God? Where Is God?

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