Effective Apology

effective apology OTHER BOOKS BY JOHN KADOR Charles Schwab: How One Company Beat Wall Street and Reinvented the Brokerage Industry 201 Best Questions to Ask on Your Interview The Manager’s Book of Questions 50 High-Impact Speeches and Remarks Net Ready effective apology mending fences, building bridges, and restoring trust JOHN KADOR Effective Apology Copyright © 2009 by John Kador All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at the address below. 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Production: Linda Jupiter Productions To Anna Beth, my apology partner For every apology, forgiveness This page intentionally left blank contents Introduction Apology Is the First Resort 1 11 13 29 47 49 73 85 97 113 125 127 153 171 183 203 213 223 243 253 255 261 270 PART I: PRACTICING APOLOGY Chapter 1 Chapter 2 The Age of Apology Why We Apologize and What It Accomplishes PART II: THE FIVE DIMENSIONS OF EFFECTIVE APOLOGY Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Recognition Responsibility Remorse Restitution Repetition PART III: APOLOGIZE FOR RESULTS Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 When, Where, and How to Apologize How to Accept (and Reject) an Apology Apology and Forgiveness Obstacles to Wholehearted Apology The Best Apology Possible: Ten Apology Do’s and Don’ts Talking About Apology: Frequently Asked Questions What Can I Do Now? Five Apology Practices Notes Acknowledgments Apology Examples by Category Index About the Author This page intentionally left blank introduction: apology is the first resort “I ’m sorry, I never apologize,” the CEO said to me. The speaker was the chief executive of a well-known, publicly traded software company. It was at that moment that I decided to write the book you are holding. The CEO had called me to help him with a speech. His company was getting hammered for launching a marketing campaign that, in its implementation, was more exuberant than strictly legal. He needed a speech to defuse the situation. I had written a number of speeches for him, and now he asked me what he could say to handle the crisis. Let’s see. Someone in your company made a mistake. Everyone knows it was a mistake. Why not admit it, say you’re sorry, and tell the world what you’re going to do to fix the problem? The CEO would have none of it. “I’m sorry, I never apologize.” Why is it so hard for leaders to apologize? I’ve written dozens of speeches for senior executives and until recently most would rather gargle with razor blades than say, simply and directly, “I made a mistake. I’m sorry.” Given the prevailing attitudes about apology and leadership, there is nothing surprising in this. No doubt, too, the CEO had a team of attorneys on speed dial whose job it was to caution him about the costs, legal and otherwise, of apologizing. But these attitudes about apology are changing. Leaders can always be depended on to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else. One of the goals of this book is to 1 2 Effective Apology demonstrate the benefits that leaders and their organizations accrue when apology is considered as the first resort, not the last. This book is about apology: the benefits when it is available, the problems when it is missing, and the opportunities that abound when apology is effective. It serves as a comprehensive user’s manual, reference, and practical guide to using apology to build trust and honor relationships between individuals, within teams, and throughout organizations. The book also tracks the profound shifts in the perception of apology: from a sign of weakness and vulnerability to a signal of confidence, transparency, and accountability. Effective apology is not easy. Some apologies are better than others, and some apologies are worse than no apology at all. The book gives readers a practical, step-by-step approach for crafting apologies to meet specific circumstance. It guides readers in what to say, how to say it, and—most of all—how not to make a bad situation even worse. My goal is to give you the definitive “how-to” book on effective apology. It is not a collection of apology phrases and formulas that can be assembled to defuse specific offenses. Stepby-step instructions can build excuses, but not apologies. Nor will this book be any help to those who want to apologize on the cheap or otherwise hedge their bets. It is, rather, an account of how practicing wholehearted apology will lead to better outcomes for both parties and for the world we share. I will sh