Breakdown, Breakthrough

Breakdown, Breakthrough BREAKDOWN, BREAKTHROUGH The Professional Woman’s Guide to Claiming a Life of Passion, Power, and Purpose 5 5 5 Kathy Caprino Breakdown, Breakthrough Copyright © 2008 by Kathy Caprino All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at the address below. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc. 235 Montgomery Street, Suite 650 San Francisco, California 94104-2916 Tel: (415) 288-0260, Fax: (415) 362-2512 www.bkconnection.com Ordering information for print editions Quantity sales. Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, and others. For details, contact the “Special Sales Department” at the Berrett-Koehler address above. Individual sales. Berrett-Koehler publications are available through most bookstores. They can also be ordered directly from Berrett-Koehler: Tel: (800) 929-2929; Fax: (802) 864-7626; www.bkconnection.com Orders for college textbook/course adoption use. Please contact Berrett-Koehler: Tel: (800) 929-2929; Fax: (802) 864-7626. Orders by U.S. trade bookstores and wholesalers. Please contact Ingram Publisher Services, Tel: (800) 509-4887; Fax: (800) 838-1149; E-mail: customer.service@ingrampublisher services.com; or visit www.ingrampublisherservices.com/Ordering for details about electronic ordering. Berrett-Koehler and the BK logo are registered trademarks of Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc. First Edition Paperback print edition ISBN 978-1-57675-559-4 PDF e-book ISBN 978-1-57675-793-2 2008-1 Book production by Wilsted & Taylor Publishing Services. Cover design by PemaStudio. For Mom and Dad, Thank you for encouraging me to say yes! to myself, always. I love you. This page intentionally left blank CONTENTS Preface ix Introduction: The Power of Yes! 1 The Disempowerment Dilemma 1. Breakdown in Professional Women—Why Now? 6 2. Recognizing When You’re in Professional Crisis 12 3. A New Model for Empowered Living 22 Empowerment with Self 4. Resolving Chronic Health Problems 5. Overcoming Loss 52 6. Achieving Self-Love 68 40 Empowerment with Others 7. Speaking Up with Power 82 8. Breaking Cycles of Mistreatment 94 9. Shifting from Competition to Collaboration 108 Empowerment with the World 10. Escaping Financial Traps 122 11. Using Real Talents in Life and Work 134 12. Helping Others and the World 148 Empowerment with Higher Self 13. Falling Together After Falling Apart 162 14. Balancing Life and Work 174 15. Doing Work and Play You Love 190 Conclusion: Claiming Your Passion, Power, and Purpose Resources Empowerment Guide 210 Recommended Reading, Websites, and Groups Notes 223 Acknowledgments 227 Index 229 About the Author 237 215 205 PREFACE yes is a world & in this world of yes live (skilfully curled) all worlds e. e. cummings After sixteen years in the workforce, I had achieved what many professional women dream of, but I was miserable. A corporate vice president with a lucrative and highpowered job, I was blessed with what seemed like a great career, a loving husband, two beautiful children, and a charming house in a quaint New England town. I had all the signs and symbols of “success” in life. I had it all. Or so it appeared, until I awakened suddenly at age 38 to a burning question. I asked myself over and over, “Why am I so unhappy?” My family life had always been fulfi lling and satisfying to me. I loved being a mother and wife, and I experienced these roles as enriching, fi lling life with meaning, joy, and satisfaction. But personal fulfi llment has never been enough for me, for reasons that are deeply rooted in my experiences as a child and teen. Since I was 16, I have known that being an accomplished professional was something I deeply wanted, and having others view me this way was also important. I believed then (and still do) that developing the “chops” of working—building professional proficiency and forging the necessary skills, strengths, and talents to rise to new challenges and succeed in the workplace—adds a vital dimension to my life. I thought, too, that a career would guarantee that I could ix x | preface have something all my own to shape and mold—something no one could ever take away from me. But in midlife all professional joy and satisfaction withered away, and my traumas at work began to “bleed” into my personal world. Strange, unsettling things were happening. My husband one day broke down in tears out of the blue and said, “I’m not sure I can take this anymore. You’re just so angry and hostile all the time.” I was shocked and hurt but realized, suddenly, that he was right. I had become addicted to taking out my intense work frustration and resentment on him. I’d been suffering, too, from a serious chronic illness—a condition called tracheitis—which for four years hit me every four months or so without fail. It was debilitating, painful, frightening, and, in some inexplicable way, infuriating to me. I’d lose my voice completely and suffer from sharp, burning pain in the throat and chest. Fever would consume me, along with aches and exhaustion. Doctors couldn’t find a cause or a cure. Due to all this sickness, I was constantly angry and resentful, and I felt depleted all the time. Functioning on every level became a chore. I knew something was very wrong, but I hadn’t fully realized that things were truly falling apart and a “breakdown” was emerging. I began to grapple with the all-important question I read somewhere, “When I am 90 years old and looking back, what do I want to have accomplished, experienced, and given in this lifetime?” My contemplation made me recognize I hadn’t a clue what I wanted my life to stand for, or even the type of individual I would hold up as a role model. I did know, however, that I was drowning in a sea of wasted opportunities, and time was running out. I urgently longed to step away from feeling hurt at work, and hurting others. I looked everywhere for guidance—books, assessment tests, consultants, career coaches, mentors, colleagues, friends. But despite my many efforts, I remained stuck, unable to move forward in a meaningful way. At the suggestion of a friend, I sought psychotherapy to help me get to the bottom of why I was so unhappy. Therapy helped me face the harsh reality that I disliked my work intensely, and that it held no positive meaning for me. In stepping bac