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					                                                                              the NOSE

                                                                              by Anonymous



                                T
                                         he New Year must be upon us: the mailman        Use?”, the famous Berstein number from Candide,
                                         just delivered a W-2 to The Nose. Piles of      here is their imagined response:
                                         receipts and bank statements teeter on his
                                desk much as they do in in the office of the Nit-             MICHAEL BROWN
                                picker. Fearing suffocation by avalanche, The Nose           I have always been wily and clever
                                struggles to make sense of this chaos in advance of         at withholding and filing and such,
                                his accountant. It is a gruesome ritual of self-flagel-      and I feel just as clever as ever,
                                lation that he vows every year never to repeat.             but I seem to be losing my touch.
                                     Unfortunately, in The District of Columbia, in         Oh, I’m losing my touch!
                                the words of one famous hotel queen named Leona,            Yes, I’m clever, but where does it get me?
                                “Only the little people pay taxes.” Yes, Dear Readers,      The taxman still gets his entire take.
                                if you are responsible for the public’s purse, there’s      All I get is my lake trout,
                                no need to fork over a dime to the taxman, much             while he gorges on truffles and cake!
                                less file a return.                                          What’s the use?
                                     Councilmember Michael “Soak the Rich”                  What’s the use?
                                Brown, to cite an example, is on a lay-a-way pro-           There’s no profit in cheating.
                                gram with the Fed. Recently, in response to being           It’s all so defeating!
                                outted by The Nose’s dwindling fraternity, he an-           What can you say?
                                ted up $14,117.70 to cover unpaid District property         Eventually I still have to pay!
                                taxes. Now, it’s not as if Brown couldn’t afford an
                                accountant to keep him straight. The man possesses          MARION BARRY
                                a very modest six figure income.                             That young Brown is no use in this Council,
                                     A more famous example of District tax holiday-         not a penny have I made on him yet.
                                makers is Councilmember Marion “I Forgot to Put             And the one thing that pays in this building,
                                It in The Mail” Barry, whose legendary failure to pay       is my fraudulent game of earmark roulette!
                                or even file in the first half of the decade resulted         It’s my game of roulette,
                                in a criminal conviction. Barry has been on proba-          but I have to pay so much attention,
                                tion since 2006. Moreover, he seems simply unable           to the Chairman and his henchmen.
                                to help himself. In 2009, Barry almost ended up in          That each time when they manage detection,
                                prison for missing a filing deadline.                        I’m a poor man all over again!
                                     Hasn’t Barry ever heard of H&R Block? Turbo
                                Tax? Pocket calculators? Stamps? Even The Nose’s            BARRY & BROWN
                                five-year old niece is smart enough to fill out a             What’s the use?
                                1040-EZ.                                                    What’s the use of questionable endeavors and
                                     Unlike the Mayor-for-Life, The Nose works              being so clever?
                                hard to prepare his taxes. The long hours spent por-        Eventually we still have to pay!
                                ing over old bank statements have impacted his
                                eyesight. His old rickety file cabinet constitutes and         Since filling out tax forms and check writing
                                imminent fire hazard.                                     seem to be such a challenge for Brown and Barry,
                                     So, why should Brown and Barry be spared this       The Nose is happy to offer his assistance. Name the
                                misery? As councilmembers, aren’t they responsible       time and place, and he will show up pen and calcula-
                                in part for maintaining this arcane system?              tor in hand.
                                     Michael and Marion! It’s time for you both to            Hey, misery loves company.
                                grow up and serve your time in tax purgatory with             Have a comment for The Nose? Email thenose@
                                the rest of the public. Cribbing from “What’s The        hillrag.com. ★




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posted:3/27/2012
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