he New Year must be upon us: the mailman Use?”, the famous Berstein number from Candide,
just delivered a W-2 to The Nose. Piles of here is their imagined response:
receipts and bank statements teeter on his
desk much as they do in in the oﬃce of the Nit- MICHAEL BROWN
picker. Fearing suﬀocation by avalanche, The Nose I have always been wily and clever
struggles to make sense of this chaos in advance of at withholding and ﬁling and such,
his accountant. It is a gruesome ritual of self-ﬂagel- and I feel just as clever as ever,
lation that he vows every year never to repeat. but I seem to be losing my touch.
Unfortunately, in The District of Columbia, in Oh, I’m losing my touch!
the words of one famous hotel queen named Leona, Yes, I’m clever, but where does it get me?
“Only the little people pay taxes.” Yes, Dear Readers, The taxman still gets his entire take.
if you are responsible for the public’s purse, there’s All I get is my lake trout,
no need to fork over a dime to the taxman, much while he gorges on truﬄes and cake!
less ﬁle a return. What’s the use?
Councilmember Michael “Soak the Rich” What’s the use?
Brown, to cite an example, is on a lay-a-way pro- There’s no proﬁt in cheating.
gram with the Fed. Recently, in response to being It’s all so defeating!
outted by The Nose’s dwindling fraternity, he an- What can you say?
ted up $14,117.70 to cover unpaid District property Eventually I still have to pay!
taxes. Now, it’s not as if Brown couldn’t aﬀord an
accountant to keep him straight. The man possesses MARION BARRY
a very modest six ﬁgure income. That young Brown is no use in this Council,
A more famous example of District tax holiday- not a penny have I made on him yet.
makers is Councilmember Marion “I Forgot to Put And the one thing that pays in this building,
It in The Mail” Barry, whose legendary failure to pay is my fraudulent game of earmark roulette!
or even ﬁle in the ﬁrst half of the decade resulted It’s my game of roulette,
in a criminal conviction. Barry has been on proba- but I have to pay so much attention,
tion since 2006. Moreover, he seems simply unable to the Chairman and his henchmen.
to help himself. In 2009, Barry almost ended up in That each time when they manage detection,
prison for missing a ﬁling deadline. I’m a poor man all over again!
Hasn’t Barry ever heard of H&R Block? Turbo
Tax? Pocket calculators? Stamps? Even The Nose’s BARRY & BROWN
ﬁve-year old niece is smart enough to ﬁll out a What’s the use?
1040-EZ. What’s the use of questionable endeavors and
Unlike the Mayor-for-Life, The Nose works being so clever?
hard to prepare his taxes. The long hours spent por- Eventually we still have to pay!
ing over old bank statements have impacted his
eyesight. His old rickety ﬁle cabinet constitutes and Since ﬁlling out tax forms and check writing
imminent ﬁre hazard. seem to be such a challenge for Brown and Barry,
So, why should Brown and Barry be spared this The Nose is happy to oﬀer his assistance. Name the
misery? As councilmembers, aren’t they responsible time and place, and he will show up pen and calcula-
in part for maintaining this arcane system? tor in hand.
Michael and Marion! It’s time for you both to Hey, misery loves company.
grow up and serve your time in tax purgatory with Have a comment for The Nose? Email thenose@
the rest of the public. Cribbing from “What’s The hillrag.com. ★
126 ★ HillRag | February 2011
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