Diagnostic Caf Script

							Diagnostic Café Script
Written by Taimi Allan and Grant Cooper for reTHiNK 2010

THIS COPY Adapted for performance by Taimi Allan and Rob Callaghan 6pm 7th April 2011.

Synopsis

It's so easy to get a diagnosis of mental illness nowadays isn't it - well don't be afraid, come into a
warm, welcoming cafe where everything on the menu comes with a free side (effect).


Cast/ Characters

Waiter – Male or Female, professional, Adult of no given age

(Wardrobe suggestion – waiters uniform/apron.)

Café/Restaurant Patron – Male or female, Adult of no given age

(Wardrobe suggestion – neat casual)

Setting – Restaurant or cafe.

Props – Table, Chair, menu, table setting, Bowl of pears.

Notes to Director – This script has been written for a female waiter and a male patron however feel
free to change wording as appropriate to genre cast.



Waiter is setting table humming “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”

Patron interrupts Waiter’s song at the last chorus;

Patron :         Um – Excuse me, but I’m not sure if I have found the right place… is this the (reading
                 flyer) “Diagnosic Café”?

Waiter:          Ah, yes… Good evening Sir we have been expecting you, your table sir.

Shows him to his seat at the table, hands him a menu and disappears off

Patron:          (calling out after her) Actually, I’ve just come straight from my Psychiatrist. I
                 happened to mention that I was a bit peckish just now, and he said to come straight
                 over. (Eying the other patrons suspiciously) I have no idea why he recommended this
                 place.

Waiter:                  (returning in an apron) You’re nuts, Sir.

                 places a bowl of peanuts on the table
Patron:            ahhh…actually I’m allergic to nuts.

Waiter:   Crackers Then?

Patron:   Never mind.

Waiter:   Have you had a chance to look at the menu sir?

Patron:   Yes. The Bipolar Buffet sounds intriguing. Is it a heavy meal?

Waiter:   It’s our most popular 3 course banquet Sir.

          Entrée, Main and Dessert.

          The Entrée tonight is “Feelings of Grandiosity”

Patron:   Sounds delicious, and the Main Course?

Waiter:   For Main you have a choice;

          Elevated Mood Swings accompanied by sleepless nights

          Or a pit of despair served with an inferiority complex.

          And for dessert, the ‘Pièce de résistance’, a dissinhibited shopping spree.

Patron:   Sounds Fattening

Waiter:   No Sir, Lethargy and weight gain are only the side dishes

Patron:   Is it possible to ask the kitchen if I could just have the lethargy, without the weight
          gain?

Waiter:   I’m afraid they’re mashed together.

Patron:   Ahhh. In that case, What about this dish from the specials list… “E.C.T” what’s that?

Waiter:   Oh yes, I can highly recommend that, I only just had it last night.

Patron:   Excellent, and what does it comprise of?

Waiter:   (a long pause while she struggles to remember…) Ummm. Sorry, I can’t recall Sir.

Patron:   Patronably best leave that one then. What about this… Lithium.

Waiter:   Certainly sir, 100 millilitres or 100 micrograms?

Patron:   Pardon?

Waiter:   Pill or injection.

Patron:   Oh! Pill sounds good, does it come with any sides?

Waiter:   Yes, in fact it comes with quite a list of complimentary side orders;
               Incontinence, vertigo, hypothyroidism, insomnia, drowsiness, diarrhoea,
               somnolence, nausea, dizziness, convulsions, amnesia, apathy, constipation, hostility,
               anxiety, tinnitus, palpitation, agitation, hypersomnia, myalgia, heart attack,
               impotence and occasional death.

Patron:        Sorry?

Waiter:        Yes?

Patron:        Can you repeat that last one?

Waiter:        What last one?

Patron:        The one after impotence.

Waiter:        Oh, don’t worry about that one. It’s hardly ever available anyway.

Patron:        Alright then. I think I might stick to the Bipolar Buffet.

Waiter:        Certainly Sir. Elevated Mood Swings, or Pit of Dispair?

Patron:        Oh, definitely the Elevated mood thanks.

Waiter:        Of course Sir. And something to drink from our cocktail list perhaps?

Patron:        Yes. What about the “Screaming Benzo”

Waiter:        Are you driving home?

Patron:        Yes.

Waiter:        Well, packs quite a punch but you might find it knocks you out completely.

Patron:        Oh. What do you recommend then?

Waiter:        May I suggest the “Venlafaxine Fizz”?

Patron:        Yes – I’ve had that before actually, it was very nice. But I only like the “Pfizer” brand,
               no generics please.

Waiter:        Oh Sir, we only serve Top Shelf here.

Patron:        Very well then. I’ll have one of those as well.

Waiter:        Certainly Sir. Coming right up (she goes to leave and he calls her back)

Patron:        Waiter? … just one more thing. What’s with the fruit on the Table?

Waiter:        Oh… those are compliments of Mind and Body Consultants. All our meals come with
               complimentary “PEAR” support.

Lights Down…