Short Jokes vol. 1 by tsy800095

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               Short Joke Documents
              Title : Short Joke Vol. 1
     Website : http://vsearch4you.blogspot.com
   1. New Business Practice

Two women were comparing noted on the difficulties of running a small
business.

“I started a new practice last year,” the first one said.
“I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three
months.”

“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.

She responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do
without.”


   2. Children’s Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the
class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest.

Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn’t ….. run around naked.
Better to be safe than …. Punch a 5th grader.
Never underestimate the power of … termites.
You can lead a horse to water but … how?
Don’t bite the hand that …. looks dirty.
No news is … impossible.
A miss is as good as a …. Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog …. math.
If you lie down with dogs, you … will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust … me.
The pen is mightier than … the pigs.
An idle mind is … the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there is … pollution.
Happy is the bride who… gets all the presents.
A penny saves is … not much.
None are so blind as … Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded.
When the blind lead the blind …get out of the way.
   3. A Doctor, A Priest, And A Lawyer

A doctor, a priest, and a lawyer are adrift on a raft in the south Pacific.
They’re just about out of water, food, and hope, when they spot a small
island. Only problem is, between the raft and the island is a large hungry
school of tiger sharks.

The doctor insists, “I’ll swim for the island and bring back coconuts and
maybe even help. If the sharks attach me, with my medical knowledge I’ll be
able to tend to my wounds.” The priest says, “No, no my son, I shall swim
for the island. I will pray as soon as I hit the water and with my connections
I’m sure to make it.”

While the doctor and priest are arguing over who is to go, the lawyer dives
into the water and swims toward the island. Miraculously, the sharks move
away and clear a path for the attorney. A little while later, the barrister
returns to the raft with a lovely bunch of coconuts. And again the sharks
clear a path for him.

He finally gets to the raft and the bewildered doctor and priest ask him what
was the source of this miracle, and he replied, “Professional courtesy, of
course!”


   4. The Thought Process

A teacher was working with her seventh grade class on “thinking Skills”.
She was giving some concrete examples of deductive reasoning skills.
“I’m holding an object behind my back”, she said,
“And it’s round and red.”
Little Mary in the front row stuck her hand up. “Is it a cherry?” she inquired.
“No,” said the teacher, “It’s an apple, but I like the way you think.”
Next the teacher said, “I’m holding something behind my back. It’s long and
yellow. Can anyone guess what it is?”
“A banana! A banana!” should little Freddy.
“No,” said the teacher, “It’s a pencil, but I like the way you think.”

A voice boomed from the back of the room. It was Dukie. “Hey teacher,
how about I hide something and you guess.” Not to be outdone the teacher
agreed. Dukie swaggered up to the front of the room, dug his hand into his
pocket, and said, “I’ve got something in my pocket. It’s round and hard and
it’s got a head on it.”

The teacher thought for a moment, her face reddened. “Dukie, hat’s obscene,
sit down.”
“No, it’s not teach,” he said as he brought his hand out of his pocket. “It’s a
quarter, but I like the way you think.”


   5. A cat in Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the
Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life and if there is
anyway I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me
know.”
The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a
poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.” The Lord stops the
cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to
Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same office. The
mice answer, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run
from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running;
we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t
have to run anymore?” The Lord says, “Say no more,” and fits each mouse
with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep
sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are
things since you arrived?”

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. It’s better
than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been
sending by are the best!!!”


   6. Creative Writing

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay
containing the following elements:
1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

“My God,” said the Queen, “I’m pregnant I wonder who did it!”
   7. The Cat Scan

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog screaming for help. The vet
rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examinees the still, limp body and after a few
moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly
agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat
down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to
tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and
meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your
dog is dead, too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how
much he owes. The vet answers, “$350.”

“$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!” exclaims the man.
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial
diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan.”


   8. The “Other Milk”

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom
starting at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give
four advantages of breast milk.” What to write? He sighed, and began to
scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

a. No need to boil
b. Cats can’t steal it.
c. Available whenever necessary.

Ummm …So far so good …maybe ….
But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once
more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly,
he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his
definitive answer:

d. Available in attractive containers
   9. The Bachelor and His Cat

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to
Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any
emergencies.

A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on her roof, fell off and
was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: “Your cat
died!”

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger
at his friend, whom he told “Why didn’t you break the news to me
gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have send a
message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’, and the next day you
could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down slowly that he
died.”

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A
few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for
him from his friend. It read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”


   10.Your Face Might Stay That Way

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly the teacher said, “When I was a child, I was told if I made
ugly faces I would stay like that.”
The student looked up and replied, “Well you can’t say you weren’t
warned.”


   11.Two Black Balls

One day at school a teacher said, “Class I’m going to give you a question
every Friday. If you answer it correctly, then you do not have to come to
school on the following Monday.”

The first Friday arrived and the teacher asked, “How many stars are in the
sky?”

No one was able to answer.

The next Friday the teacher asked, “How many fish are in the sea?”
Again, no one was able to answer.

Then one student had an idea. He got tow big bouncy balls and painted them
black. One Friday, before she asked the question, he threw the balls in one of
the aisles. The teacher asked, “Who’s the guy with the big black balls?”

The kid yelled, “Bill Cosby! See you next Tuesday!”

								
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