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STRESS RELEIVER: Jim Fay, Dr. Foster Kline and Dr. Charles Fay’s “Parenting with LOVE and LOGIC!” Sneak Preview for Henry County Schools Low Stress Strategies for Highly Successful Parents and Educators! Anna Arnold-Parental Involvement Coordinator 770-957-957-7680 email@example.com THE RULES OF LOVE AND LOGIC: Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lecture, or threats. When a child causes a problem, the adult hands it back in loving ways. Children Are From Heaven by John Gray •Children cannot learn to be forgiving unless there is someone to forgive. •Children cannot develop patience or learn to delay gratification if everything comes their way when they want it. •Children cannot learn to cooperate if everything always goes their way. •Children cannot learn to be creative if everything is done for them. •Children cannot learn compassion and respect unless they feel pain and loss. •Children cannot learn courage and optimism unless they are faced with adversity. •Children cannot develop persistence and strength if everything is easy. •Children cannot learn to self-correct unless they experience difficulty, failure, or mistakes. •Children cannot feel self-esteem or healthy pride unless they overcome obstacles to achieve something. •Children cannot develop self-sufficency unless they experience exclusion or rejection. •Children cannot be self-directed unless they have opportunities to resist authority and/or not get what they want. When implementing these strategies: In a loving way, hold the child accountable for solving his/her problems in a way that does not make a problem for others. Offer children with choices. Use enforceable statements. Provide delayed/extended consequences. “Lock in” empathy before delivering consequences. 1. NEUTRALIZE ARGUING “I love you too much to argue.” “It must feel awful to feel that way.” “Could be.” “What a bummer.” “How sad.” “Nice try! Go BRAIN DEAD! Become a broken record, saying the same antidote for each new argument. Keep your voice soft. allow any frustration to be that of the child, not of you. (There is nothing wrong with a kid that a little reasoning won’t make worse!) Things you might hear: “This is boring!” “This is stupid. Why do I have to do it?” “I don’t like her!” “She is talking about me!” “He kicked me!” “You like her more than me!” “She won’t stop looking at me!” Statements that DON’T WORK: “I know how you feel.” “I know just what you mean.” “I understand.” 2. ANTICIPATORY CONSEQUENCES “I am going to do something about this…but not right now. Later! Try not to worry about it!” “I don’t know how to react to this…and I don’t need to react right away. I will get back with you about this. Try not to worry about it.” Healthy people don’t act when they are angry. They spend time to calm down. We plug all our holes before we deliver the consequences. Problems with Immediate Consequences: Most of us have great difficulty thinking of one while we are angry. We “own” the problem rather than handing it back to the child. We are forced to react while we and child are upset. We don’t have time to anticipate how the child will react. We don’t have time to put together a reasonable plan and a support team to help us carry it out. We often end up making threats we can’t back up. We generally fail to deliver a strong dose of empathy before providing the consequence. Every day we live in fear the our child will do something that we won’t know how to handle with an immediate consequence. 3. INSTANT EMPATHETIC RESPONSE o Empathy will provide a MUCH CALMER household! o Empathy also controls which part of the brain is most active. It helps keep kids in the thinking mode instead of the survival mode. Benefits of Delivering Consequences With Empathy 1. The child is not distracted by the adult’s anger. 2. The child must “own” his or her”pain rather then blaming it on the adult. 3. The adult-child relationship is maintained so that the child is much less likely to seek revenge. 4. The child learns through modeling to use empathy with others. Keep your empathy short, sweet, simple and repetitive! “This must really hurt. “This is so sad.” “This is really hard.” “Bummer.” “I’m sorry you feel so bad.” “It must be hard to feel this way.” The POWER of NONVERBAL Communication Studies estimate that between 70% and 90% of what we communicate, we do without words though subtle nonverbal gestures. Research also reveals that children are EXPERTS at decoding these nonverbal cues. When delivering empathetic responses, the delivery is as important as your actual words! AVOID SARCASM AT ALL COSTS! 4. CHOICES WITHIN LIMITS Offering choices puts YOU, the parent, in the POWER POSITION! Many potential power struggles are avoided by simply giving choices before the child has the chance to say no to a request or an order. Rules for Choices Never give a choice on an issue that might cause a problem for you or for anyone else. For each choice, give only two options, each of which will be OK with you. If the child doesn’t respond in 10 seconds, decide for him or her. Only give choices that fit with your value system. Let the child decide . . . “Would you like to wear your coat or carry it?” “Are you going to clean the garage or mow the lawn this week?” “Are you having peas or carrots as your vegetable tonight?” “Are you going to bed now, or would you like to wait an extra 15 minutes?” “Can you stay with us and stop that, or do you need to leave for awhile and come back when you are sweet?” “Are you going to put your pajamas on first or brush your teeth first?” “Will you be home at 10:00, or do you need an extra half hour with your friends?” “Are you guys going to stop bickering, or would you rather pay me for having to hear it?” Remember that sharing control is like making deposits into a bank account. When things are going well, share plenty of control in the form of small choices. When things aren’t going well, don’t hesitate to make a withdrawal. The mind has a difficult time being resistant when it is grappling with closure. 5. ENFORCEABLE STATEMENTS As a parent, you have control when you talk about what YOU are going to do instead of what the CHILD is going to do. The ONLY person you truly have control over is YOURSELF! When we set limits by saying what WE will do or what WE will allow: We avoid looking like a fool when we can’t get our kids to do what we say. We share some control with our children. As a result, they are much less likely to resist in order to gain control. We avoid getting sucked into trying to control something we really can’t. Some examples of Love and Logic Enforceable Statements: “I give treats to kids who protect their teeth by brushing.” “Breakfast is served until 7:30. Get all you need to hold you till lunch.” “My car is leaving at 8 am.” “I’ll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.” “I’ll take you guys the places you want to go in the car when I don’t have to worry about fighting in the back seat.” “I’ll do all of the things I do for you around here when I’m feeling respected.” “I give allowance to those who finish their chores.” “I’ll provide TV and Nintendo when the chores are done.” I keep the toys I have to pick up. You can keep the ones you pick up.” “I’ll be happy to buy you clothes I feel are appropriate.” “I’ll be happy to listen to you as soon as your father and I are finished talking.” “I lend money to those who have collateral.” “I lend the car to those who have made a deposit equal to the insurance deductible.” “I’ll reimburse you for your college tuition for those classes in which you earn a “B” or above. I’ll be happy to give you money when I see your report card.” 6. THE “UH, OH SONG” Using the “Uh, Oh Song” leads to a parent no longer having to resort to spanking. It also elevates the parent to the role of LOVING authority figure. 7. THE STRATEGIC TRAINING SESSION This strategy is used only for those behaviors over which parents have little or no control. It allows parents to provide training under very controlled conditions with all their backup support in place. One session, if done correctly, is more effective than a lifetime of lectures and complaints. 8. RESTITUTION The Love and Logic Generic Consequence – Provides a consequence that can make sense to a child in almost any situation WHAT IS IT? HOUSEHOLD CHORES!!! The Love and Logic parent uses chores in a very special way so that the youngster can make a reasonable connection to his or her doing the parent’s work, and the rule violation. For example . . . “Winston, you snuck out and spent the night hanging out in the convenience store parking lot. Then you climbed back in your window, thinking I would never know about it. I told you I would have to do something about that, but I’m sorry to say that I haven’t figured it out yet even though I’ve spent hours on it. Do you know what’s sad about that? I can’t do two things at once. What I WAS going to do with my time was clean up all the dog messes in the backyard, rake the leaves, and mow the lawn and sweep the sidewalk. So…I guess as soon as you have those jobs done, we’ll forget about this problem of yours. Thank you. You don’t need to work on those jobs right now. Just have them done by the end of the day on Saturday. Thanks, pal.” The Five-Step Approach Provide a strong and sincere dose of empathy. “Oh no. That is a problem. I bet that really is upsetting you.” Place the problem gently but firmly on their shoulders to send the “Power Message.” “What do you think you might do to solve this problem.” Ask for permission to share what “Some Kids” have tried. Would you like to hear what some kids have tried?” Provide two or three alternatives for solving the problem. “Some kids decide to_______. How would that work for you?” Allow the child to solve or not to solve the problem. “Good Luck! Let me know how it turns out.” 9. GUIDING KIDS TO OWN AND SOLVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS We must teach our children to be their own problem-solvers and improve their cause-and-effect thinking. As you wake up each morning, please remember: The best thing in life are not things. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breaths away!
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