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9 Essential Skills for the LOVE


									                      STRESS RELEIVER:
                      Jim Fay, Dr. Foster
                     Kline and Dr. Charles
                     Fay’s “Parenting with
                        LOVE and LOGIC!”
                         Sneak Preview for
                     Henry County Schools

        Low Stress Strategies for
 Highly Successful Parents and Educators!
Anna Arnold-Parental Involvement Coordinator

          THE RULES OF
         LOVE AND LOGIC:
 Adults set firm limits in loving ways
  without anger, lecture, or threats.
 When a child causes a
  problem, the adult
  hands it back in loving
               Children Are From Heaven
                              by John Gray
•Children cannot learn to be forgiving unless there is someone to
•Children cannot develop patience or learn to delay gratification if
everything comes their way when they want it.
•Children cannot learn to cooperate if everything always goes their
•Children cannot learn to be creative if everything is done for them.
•Children cannot learn compassion and respect unless they feel pain
and loss.
•Children cannot learn courage and optimism unless they are faced
with adversity.
•Children cannot develop persistence and strength if everything is
•Children cannot learn to self-correct unless they experience
difficulty, failure, or mistakes.
•Children cannot feel self-esteem or healthy pride unless they
overcome obstacles to achieve something.
•Children cannot develop self-sufficency unless they experience
exclusion or rejection.
•Children cannot be self-directed unless they have opportunities to
resist authority and/or not get what they want.
    When implementing these
   In a loving way, hold the
    child accountable for
    solving his/her problems
    in a way that does not
    make a problem for others.
   Offer children with choices.
   Use enforceable
   Provide delayed/extended
   “Lock in” empathy before
    delivering consequences.
 “I love you too much to argue.”
 “It must feel awful to feel that way.”
 “Could be.”
 “What a bummer.”
 “How sad.”
 “Nice try!
                            Go BRAIN

Become a broken record, saying
 the same antidote for each new
argument. Keep your voice soft.
 allow any frustration to be that
     of the child, not of you.
(There is nothing wrong with a kid that a little
        reasoning won’t make worse!)
    Things you might hear:
“This is boring!”
“This is stupid. Why do I have to do it?”
“I don’t like her!”
“She is talking about me!”
“He kicked me!”
“You like her more than me!”
“She won’t stop looking at me!”
         Statements that
         DON’T WORK:

 “I know how you feel.”
 “I know just what you mean.”
 “I understand.”
         2. ANTICIPATORY
  “I am going to do something about this…but not
      right now. Later! Try not to worry about it!”
“I don’t know how to react to this…and I don’t need
   to react right away. I will get back with you about
             this. Try not to worry about it.”
  Healthy people don’t
act when they are angry.
They spend time to calm down.
   We plug all our holes
before we deliver the
    Problems with Immediate Consequences:
   Most of us have great difficulty thinking of one
    while we are angry.
   We “own” the problem rather than handing it
    back to the child.
   We are forced to react while we and child are
   We don’t have time to anticipate how the child
    will react.
   We don’t have time to put together a
    reasonable plan and a support team to help us
    carry it out.
   We often end up making threats we can’t back
   We generally fail to deliver a strong dose of
    empathy before providing the consequence.
   Every day we live in fear the our child will do
    something that we won’t know how to handle
    with an immediate consequence.
      o   Empathy will provide a
          MUCH CALMER
      o   Empathy also controls
          which part of the brain is
          most active. It helps
          keep kids in the thinking
          mode instead of the
          survival mode.
        Benefits of Delivering
         Consequences With

1.   The child is not distracted by the
     adult’s anger.
2.   The child must “own” his or her”pain
     rather then blaming it on the adult.
3.   The adult-child relationship is
     maintained so that the child is much
     less likely to seek revenge.
4.   The child learns through modeling to
     use empathy with others.
   Keep your
 empathy short,
sweet, simple and
           “This must really hurt.
           “This is so sad.”
           “This is really hard.”
           “I’m sorry you feel so bad.”
           “It must be hard to feel this way.”
                            The POWER of
 Studies estimate that between 70% and 90% of what
  we communicate, we do without words though subtle
  nonverbal gestures.
 Research also reveals that children are EXPERTS at
  decoding these nonverbal cues.
 When delivering empathetic responses,
the delivery is as important as your actual words!
 Offering choices puts YOU,
  the parent, in the POWER
 Many potential power
  struggles are avoided by
  simply giving choices before
  the child has the chance to say
  no to a request or an order.
    Rules for
 Never give a choice on an issue that
  might cause a problem for you or for
  anyone else.
 For each choice, give only two options,
  each of which will be OK with you.
 If the child doesn’t respond in 10
  seconds, decide for him or her.
 Only give choices that fit with your
  value system.
                Let the child decide . . .
   “Would you like to wear your coat or carry it?”
   “Are you going to clean the garage or mow the lawn this
   “Are you having peas or carrots as your vegetable
   “Are you going to bed now, or would you like to wait an
    extra 15 minutes?”
   “Can you stay with us and stop that, or do you need to
    leave for awhile and come back when you are sweet?”
   “Are you going to put your pajamas on first or brush your
    teeth first?”
   “Will you be home at 10:00, or do you need an extra half
    hour with your friends?”
   “Are you guys going to stop bickering, or would you
    rather pay me for having to hear it?”
     Remember that sharing
     control is like making
      deposits into a bank
   When things are going
    well, share plenty of
    control in the form of
    small choices.
   When things aren’t going
    well, don’t hesitate to
    make a withdrawal.
The mind has a difficult time
  being resistant when it is
  grappling with closure.
          5. ENFORCEABLE
As a parent, you have control when
    you talk about what YOU are
  going to do instead of what the
        CHILD is going to do.

 The ONLY person you truly have
    control over is YOURSELF!
  When we set limits by
saying what WE will do or
   what WE will allow:
         We avoid looking like a fool when we
          can’t get our kids to do what we say.
         We share some control with our children.
          As a result, they are much less likely to
          resist in order to gain control.
         We avoid getting sucked into trying to
          control something we really can’t.
     Some examples of Love and Logic Enforceable Statements:

   “I give treats to kids who protect their teeth by brushing.”
   “Breakfast is served until 7:30. Get all you need to hold you till lunch.”
   “My car is leaving at 8 am.”
   “I’ll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.”
   “I’ll take you guys the places you want to go in the car when I don’t have to
    worry about fighting in the back seat.”
   “I’ll do all of the things I do for you around here when I’m feeling respected.”
   “I give allowance to those who finish their chores.”
   “I’ll provide TV and Nintendo when the chores are done.”
   I keep the toys I have to pick up. You can keep the ones you pick up.”
   “I’ll be happy to buy you clothes I feel are appropriate.”
   “I’ll be happy to listen to you as soon as your father and I are finished talking.”
   “I lend money to those who have collateral.”
   “I lend the car to those who have made a deposit equal to the insurance
   “I’ll reimburse you for your college tuition for those classes in which you earn a
    “B” or above. I’ll be happy to give you money when I see your report card.”
    6. THE “UH, OH SONG”
 Using the “Uh, Oh Song” leads
  to a parent no longer having
  to resort to spanking.
 It also elevates the
  parent to the role
  of LOVING authority
      This strategy is used only for those
       behaviors over which parents have
       little or no control.
      It allows parents to provide training
       under very controlled conditions with
       all their backup support in place.
      One session, if done correctly, is more
       effective than a lifetime of lectures and
        8. RESTITUTION
The Love and Logic Generic Consequence
 – Provides a consequence that can make
   sense to a child in almost any situation

  IS IT?
The Love and Logic parent
   uses chores in a very
  special way so that the
   youngster can make a
 reasonable connection to
    his or her doing the
  parent’s work, and the
       rule violation.
                  For example . . .
      “Winston, you snuck out and spent the night
 hanging out in the convenience store parking lot.
 Then you climbed back in your window, thinking
 I would never know about it. I told you I would
 have to do something about that, but I’m sorry to
 say that I haven’t figured it out yet even though
 I’ve spent hours on it.
        Do you know what’s sad about that? I can’t do two
things at once. What I WAS going to do with my time was
clean up all the dog messes in the backyard, rake the leaves,
and mow the lawn and sweep the sidewalk. So…I guess as
soon as you have those jobs done, we’ll forget about this
problem of yours. Thank you. You don’t need to work on
those jobs right now. Just have them done by the end of the
day on Saturday. Thanks, pal.”
   The Five-Step Approach
Provide a strong and sincere dose of empathy.
“Oh no. That is a problem. I bet that really is upsetting
Place the problem gently but firmly on their shoulders to
  send the “Power Message.”
“What do you think you might do to solve this problem.”
Ask for permission to share what “Some Kids” have tried.
 Would you like to hear what some kids have tried?”
Provide two or three alternatives for solving the problem.
“Some kids decide to_______. How would that work for
Allow the child to solve or not to solve the problem.
“Good Luck! Let me know how it turns out.”
  We must teach our
  children to be their
 own problem-solvers
   and improve their
As you wake up each morning,
      please remember:
 The best thing in life are not
 Life is not measured by the number of
breaths we take, but by the moments that
          take our breaths away!

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