Scene Zero – Stewardess
Stewardess: (safety speech)
Scene One – On the way to the Carnival
ELAINE: Lancelot, I just don’t understand.
LANCELOT: You wouldn’t.
ELAINE: What is that supposed to mean?
LANCELOT: Elaine, your passion is not chemistry, it is cutting costs and paying your employees less.
ELAINE: There is nothing wrong with being a business major.
LANCELOT: (STAMMERS) Ah…Sure, but you don’t understand! I want to be A Knight of the Periodic
Table! See here! I don’t see a taxable commodity here! I see the components of a redox reaction!
ELAINE: We are here. Did you remember your wristband?
Scene Two – Carnival
PEOPLE MILLING ABOUT A CARNIVAL. WE SEE ARGON, XENON, LANCELOT, ELAINE, AND THE WIZARD OF
PHYSICS. GENERAL MILLING ABOUT CONVERSATIONS HAPPENING.
LANCELOT: This is an awesome carnival!
XENON: Yeah, except these new wristbands.
ARGON: Is that why there are so few people this year?
TWO PEOPLE WITH “H” ON THEIR SHIRTS RUN INTO EACH OTHER. BOTH ARE CARRYING STYROFOAM
BALLS. NINJA BUMPS INTO HYDROGEN 2 AND STEALS ELECTRONS.
HYDROGEN 1: Are you alright?
HYDROGEN 2: No, that halogen just stole my electron!
HYDROGEN 1: Are you sure?
HYDROGEN 2: Yes, I’m positive.
HYDROGEN 1: Stop that Halide! RUN OFF STAGE.
WIZARD LOOKING AT YEAR SIGN: 1.337 x 10 with a little 3? What does that mean?
ARGON: Anybody want something to eat? I can get a fire going. FIRE IN THE HOLE.
BURNED PEOPLE COME RUNNING IN: There is a dragon chasing us!
OFF-CENTER STAGE METHANE MAMBA
Scene Three – Castle
KING IS DOING AMMONIA FOUNTAIN.
KING (SHATNER STYLE AND DANCING): I am the King of Color Change Reactions.
VIZOR: (SIGHING) Very good sir.
KNIGHTS COME RUNNING IN. WIZARD SNEAKS ON TO PREPARE GENIE IN A BOTTLE. SNEAKS BACK OUT.
XENON: Your highness! Something terrible happened at the carnival!
KING: What? Did they increase the price of the wristbands again?
XENON: No, Sir! There was a dragon terrorizing the carnival
KING: Oh, thank god! …I mean Oh! That is terrible! Did you actually see it?
ARGON: No, but there were burned villagers and fire and mass hysteria. What else could it have been,
but a dragon?
WIZARD SNEAKS BACK IN: There was this thing at the carnival. It was firey and big and had wings. It was
a whole attoparsec big!
KING: Do you mean a dragon?
ARGON: We know. Who are you?
KING: He is…
WIZARD (CUTTING HIM OFF): I am a magical, powerful wizard. I hail from the Far East in the realms of
the physics department in the University of Iowa.
ARGON: I didn’t even know that Iowa had a physics department.
KING: So, you actually saw the dragon?
WIZARD: Yes! It was a whole attoparsec big! I said that already! Would you like me look in my crystal
KING: Why, yes I would! WIZARD DOES ELEPHANT TOOTHPASTE IN GENIE BOTTLE.
WIZARD: It is…ah…supposed to do that.
KING: Sure. Well then! A dragon is endangering my entire kingdom... I cannot allow this to happen!
What to do, what to do… Perhaps this wizard can use an ancient, powerful enchantment to… On second
thought, that will never actually work… Aha! You shall venture abroad and assemble the greatest of
weapons in the land to slay this evil beast! Across endless fields and rolling hills, through barren deserts
and sunken swamps, across bridges, over mountains, through valleys, across frozen tundra, through
soliloquies that feel like they will never end, you shall gather these amazing, new weapons and bring
them to the carnival where the dragon was first seen.
XENON: I, Lady Xenon, shall journey to the farthest reaches of the coldest desert, the Frozen Glacier of
the Frost Giant Jarol. I will return to save the people!
ARGON: And I, Sir Argon, shall journey the greatest distance to the most western mountains of fire, the
Lost Tomb of Boone-dashar! I shall be the one who returns to defend the kingdom!
WIZARD: And I shall perfect the amazing power of shooting fireballs from my hand. GUNCOTTON IN
ARGON: And Lancelot and Mr. Wizard, you don’t even need to bother, we have got this covered.
XENON: Of course. Your Highness, allow us, The Order of the Knights of the Periodic Table, to solve this
dragon problem for you. LANCELOT LOOKS DEJECTED.
Scene Four - Lancelot’s House
LANCELOT IS WORKING ON METAL SALTS.
ELAINE (NAGGING): What are you doing down here?
LANCELOT: I am working!
ELAINE: We need to talk. Something terrible has happened!
LANCELOT: What? Is this about the dragon?
ELAINE: No! The phone bill!
LANCELOT: Not now, wife! I am working on my metal salts! METAL SALTS. Yeah, that should do.
ELAINE: What are you doing?! If you keep doing experiments this way, you are going to send us to the
poor house! Try it this way. With one salt, one flame. Economy of scale, I keep telling you this! FLAME
LANCELOT: Wow! A flaming tornado! I can use that to impress the King of Color Change Reactions! Then
I can be in The Order of the Knights of the Periodic Table!
ELAINE: Yeah, that was pretty good. But, we can still get more bang for our buck! We should go see
Scene Five – Miracle Max
WIZARD IS THERE DOING HCL CANNON.
IF THIS FAILS:
WIZARD: I swear it was working before! I will make it work again!
IF THIS SUCCEEDS:
WIZARD: (VERY SURPRISED) I got it right! I got it right! I mean…I did it. Perfectly. On the first try. Without
help. That happens all the time.
MIRACLE MAX: Here try this recipe from this lab manual.
LANCELOT AND ELAINE ENTER.
LANCELOT: We are here looking for a way to fight the dragon.
MIRACLE MAX: Oh, going to your death eh? Then you will need some phoenix downs or scrolls of
LANCELOT: No, no. We are looking for some sort of weapon.
MAX: Oh, right, of course. Cause you are actually going to fight it. You could try and scare him off with a
loud noise. H2 BALLOON.
ELAINE: I don’t think that is going to be loud enough.
MAX: Ok then, how about this one? H2O2 BALLOON
ELAINE: I think that might be good enough.
LANCELOT: That should do the trick! It should scare off the dragon.
ELAINE: Why are we trying to scare off the dragon? Aren’t we trying to blow it to pieces?
LANCELOT: True. We should combine the big bang with something else! That will help me become a
member of the Order of the Knights of the Periodic Table!
WIZARD: Hey! I tried out for that once! I used to be really into chemistry.
LANCELOT: Oh really?
WIZARD: Yeah. Then I realized I couldn’t cut it and got into physics. Hey, maybe I can help you!
LANCELOT: Ah….I think that I hear my wife calling me. RUNS OFF STAGE. ELAINE WALKS AWKWARDLY
Scene Six– Wizard’s Lab
WIZARD: That Lancelot! I don’t need him. All I need is you and this lab manual! Then I can do something
to help the King defeat the dragon! Igor! To the laboratory!
IGOR: Yes, master. But, we are already there.
WIZARD: Of course we are! I will show them all! I am going to make a, FLIPS THROUGH LAB MANUAL
magical sword that will defeat the dragon! Igor! We need fire! IGOR DOES PUMPKIN LYCOPODUIM.
WIZARD: We need energy! IGOR DOES PICKLE CHAIR.
WIZARD: We need….
KING: Refreshments! KING DOES RAINBOW CONNECTION. EVERYONE MUST COME OUT AND SWAY. AT
END OF SONG, EVERYONE LEAVES. WIZARD AND IGOR ARE LEFT REALLY CONFUSED.
WIZARD: That was strange.
IGOR: Back to the sword sir?
WIZARD: Yes, with just a little bit of magic… THE TWO OF THEM DO LUMINOL. THE SWORD APPEARS
FROM BEHIND THE DESK WHEN THE KING RAISES IT. WIZARD GRABS IT WHEN THE LIGHTS TURN ON.
WIZARD: This is the most important sword of our time. It will be used to defeat the most terrible enemy
ever! It is super magical, super powerful, and all awe-inspiring.
IGOR: Master, what shall you call it?
WIZARD: I shall call it the Plus One Uber Leet Sword of Devastating Pwnage. It is absolutely critical that
this sword finds its way into the hands of a noble and valiant knight to defeat the dragon. Oh! A cheeto!
SETS THE SWORD DOWN AND WALKS AWAY SINGING A SONG ABOUT CHEETOS.
IGOR: Well, I guess I better put this away. PLACES SWORD INTO DEMO PREP ROOM.
Scene Seven – Lancelot’s Lab
ELAINE: You know, Lancelot. I can see why you love chemistry so much. Mg IN DRY ICE. There is more to
life than precipitates, point groups, and percent yields.
LANCELOT: Precisely my point, pumpkin. CONFUSED LOOK AT HIMSELF.
ELAINE: What have you come up with for the dragon?
LANCELOT: I was thinking something like this… ETHANOL CANNON.
ELAINE: I don’t know fire will do the trick. We need a bigger bang. PULLS OUT THE BOTTLE BAZOOKA
AND COCKS IT.
LANCELOT: Ah, honey. I don’t know if that is what we are looking for. Maybe you should put that down
before you hurt yourself. Why don’t we try using what Miracle Max did, and combine the fire with the
ELAINE: I suppose…. Can I still shoot it off?
LANCELOT: Fine. But, watch your ears, it is going to be loud. ELAINE SETS OFF BOTTLES IN BOTTLE
ELAINE: So, what are you thinking?
LANCELOT: Something like… I have got it! IGOR! Bring out the loud flame! IGOR BRINGS OUT NO
CANNON. LANCELOT SETS IT OFF. It works! To the carnival!
Scene Eight – Burned out Carnival
KING: Where are my knights?
ATTENDANT 1: Well. You remember that Frost Giant? Yeah. He was a bit more of a problem then we
originally thought … We were able to get Lady Xenon out of there, but… ah… the incident left her a little
stiff… REVEAL FROZEN LADY XENON. We are figuring that this might be how he did it. Maybe this will
work on the dragon… LIQUID NITROGEN FOUNTAIN.
KING: What happened to my other knight?!
ATTENDANT 2: Abooout that, your highness. THERMITE CHUNK THROWN DOWN ON TABLE. This all we
could we could recover of Sir Argon…
KING: How did this happen?!
ATTENDANT 2: Remember that volcano?
ATTENDANT 2: Yeah. It went something like this… THERMITE.
KING: Wait, so are there no knights here to fight the dragon?! ELAINE PHYSICALLY GRABS LANCELOT
AND PLACES HIM IN FRONT OF HIM.
LANCELOT: Wait! What if we combined their powers?
ATTENDANT 1: How? LANCELOT GRABS THE CHEETOS FROM THE WIZARD.
LANCELOT: We can combine fire and ice!
ATTENDANT 2: You mean…(ATTENDANTS IN UNISON) With our powers combined?! ATTENDANTS DO
KING: Those seem to be pretty good ideas… but how are we going to get the dragon to come out?
WIZARD: Well, usually dragons are attracted to females. Elaine, you are a woman, right?
ELAINE: Haven’t seen many females lately, huh?
WIZARD: Well all we have to do and take this pole here and tie you up… (RARRRRRRRR!!!! DRAGON OFF
STAGE.) That worked way to well!
ATTENDANT 1: We are not ready yet! What are we going to do?
ATTENDANT 2: We need a miracle now!
MIRACLE MAX (OUT OF DEMO PREP ROOM WITH SWORD IN HAND): Did someone call for a miracle?
Lancelot, use this sword that I found!
LANCELOT: Ok! Where is that dragon? DRAGON APPEARS ON STAGE. Wait. That tiny, little thing?! I
thought that you said that this was a whole attoparsec big?!
WIZARD: I did! And it is. An attoparsec is about nine inches!
LANCELOT: I got this. FLAMING SWORD OF JUSTICE THE DRAGON.
EVERYONE: YAY!!! (And other celebratory words)
KING: Lancelot, you have truly earned your seat at the periodic table. I dub thee Sir Lancelot of the
LANCELOT: At last I have made it!
ELAINE: And I have decided to become a chemistry major!
WIZARD: AD lib something funny. Greatest joke ever.
KING DOES FIREWORKS. ATTENDANTS DO BALLOONS.