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									              the                                           AVACADO
Volume 1 Issue 1 | America’s Second Finest News Source | November 1999

  Areawomanchecks                                                                         T.A. is hot
  emailfortwenty-seventh                                                                         Sources in Cary Quad re-
                                                                                       vealed Tuesday that freshman Ryan
                                                                                       Gremble’s physics TA is totally hot.

  time in two hour period                                                              “She’s so fine,” Gremble told sev-
                                                                                       eral freshman engineers in the din-
                                                                                       ing hall. “I’m talking total hottie.
           Lonely, desperate senior        a typo in the assignment. It was sent       And you know she’s gotta be smart,
  Laura Dune opened a telnet session       to a distribution list, but she was just    too, to be a physics TA. It’s not fair
  to ecn for the twenty-seventh time       so excited.” Witnesses say Dune re-         that chicks that hot are allowed to
  in two hours in hopes of having a        read the email several times and            be smart.” Gremble then described
  new message waiting for her, and         turned her monitor to show the              his TA’s awesome blue eyes and
  for the twenty-sixth time, she was       short, impersonal email to the pain-        killer body to the envious group.
  denied. Acquaintances admit              fully uninterested students seated on                 “Oh yeah, I’ll definitely be
  they’ve noticed the frequency of         either side of her. Dune reportedly         going for extra credit in recitation,”
  Dune’s email checking, but have          replied to the message to tell the TA       said Gremble as he high-fived a
  been reluctant to intervene because      about her day and how she saw a             friend. He then exhausted his rep-
  they “hardly know her” and “don’t        guy picking his nose in the com-            ertoire of sexual innuendos, includ-
  really care what she does with her       puter lab that morning. It was un-          ing references to “friction” and “free
  time.”                                   clear whether or not she replied to         body diagrams.” While Gremble ac-
           “It’s kind of sad, really,”     all recipients. “Her TAs should be          knowledges that he has never actu-
  said a PUCC lab assistant who            made aware of the situation,” said          ally talked to or made eye contact
  asked not to be identified. “She got     the lab assistant, “and take her off        with the T.A., he said he’s just “wait-
  an email earlier today from a TA in      the distribution list. It only encour-      ing for the right moment” to ask her
                                           ages her. It’s just cruel, really.”         out.
  one of her classes, something about

            A Purdue University stu-       equations, and making the world a          ated with that. My constant will help
  dent plans on copyrighting a con-        better place for all math-hating           you get there. I’m very proud of this
  stant he claims to have invented.        people.”                                   discovery,” said Zanders, “and I
  The tentatively titled “right answer              The “constant” in actuality       only want my due: a slight fee in
  constant” has applications in a va-      is a variable used to bridge the gap       small, unmarked bills by anyone
  riety of math, science, and engineer-    between a student’s partial solution       wishing to use my constant.”
  ing problems, says industrial engi-      and the answer in the back of the          Zanders has also expressed interest
  neering senior Joseph Zanders. “It’s     book. Students employing the               in patenting the three dots, gener-
  truly a magical number. The beauty       “right answer constant” generally          ally read as “therefore,” that can
  of it is that it’s applicable in every   write and erase several numbers on         mystically relate two independent
  problem you’ve ever done, every          the paper to create the look of deep       statements on homework assign-
  problem you’ll ever do. It saves         thought and revision, find out how         ments and exams.
  time, paper, and helps your grade.”      close they are to the true answer, and
  Zanders says that many students          then add a step to the problem in
  may already be unwittingly using         which multiplying or dividing by
  the oft-pirated constant. “I know it’s   the constant gives the correct an-
  out there right now, helping to solve    swer to the problem. “We all know
  thermodynamics problems, balanc-         how great it is to box in the correct
  ing complex chemical reaction            answer, the sense of pride associ-             If you see a two-headed pig, keep your mouth shut.- Irish Proverb
Deletion of chain email                                                           Writer under fire for
doomsstudenttoeternity                                                                      Two-Headed Pig author
                                                                                  Shannon Doyle, a senior in interdis-
ofmisery,loneliness                                                               ciplinary engineering, came under
                                                                                  fire today for writing a potentially
         Area student Buck Rogers,       Rogers. “I didn’t have time to for-      offensive story in the fall issue of
a sophomore in chemical engineer-        ward it to eleven of my friends be-      the Purdue Engineering Magazine.
ing, deleted a chain email early         cause I was already running late.”       The article, titled “T.A. is hot,” por-
Thursday, thereby sealing his fate       The email required immediate at-         trays a group of freshmen in Cary
of dying alone, penniless, and mis-      tention, claiming that if Rogers sent    Quad discussing the physical at-
erable. The email, which report-         it to eleven of his friends within       tributes of a physics teaching assis-
edly had a subject line of “FW: Fw:      eight minutes of receiving it, all of    tant. The PEM editor-in-chief felt
don’t delete! (fwd) (fwd),” gave an-     his dreams would come true, but          it might be inappropriate. “Some
ecdotal evidence of the email’s          that if he didn’t, the opposite of all   women are more sensitive about that
power over fate, citing such inci-       his wishes would happen. “I guess        kind of thing than Shannon is, “ said
dents as a man in Connecticut who        I didn’t realize the importance of       Thomas Pace, a senior in civil en-
deleted the email and was imme-          that email... I mean, it’s not like it   gineering. “And I’d like to add that
diately killed when a cement goose       said Bill Gates was going to send        the article in no way reflects the
wearing a yellow rain slicker fell       me $1000 for every person I for-         opinions of Purdue, the magazine,
off a balcony and struck his head.       warded it to. I guess I was blinded      its sponsors, or its editor.” Doyle
The email also told of a Canadian        by my academic schedule and I lost       then interjected, “It’s nobody’s
woman who did not follow the             sight of what’s really important:        opinion, it’s a humor column.”
email’s instructions and within a        giving eleven of my friends the op-                Doyle has been in hiding
week was dumped by her fiance,           portunity to have all their dreams       since the controversy began, often
cut out of her parents’ will, and        come true. That email’s been             wearing a scarf over her head and
accidentally stapled her tongue to       around the world nine times, so you      big dark sunglasses when appearing
her lower lip.                           know it must be real. I should have      in public. “I’m female, and it
         “I was just checking my         listened,” said Rogers.                  doesn’t offend me. It’s all made up
email right before class,” said                                                   anyway- the whole Two-Headed
                                                                                  Pig is fictional, except for the head-
                                                                                  line about the guy looking for his
Man sleeps during lecture; head bobs                                              pants,” she said before being chased
          Witnesses confirmed today      place to sleep.” One might specu-        away by a mob of paparazzi pho-
that the brown-haired kid with weird     late that he attends lecture to take     tographers.
ears that sits in front of Brian         notes, but according to Melford,         Inside:
Melford slept through lecture yet        “His pen sort of wanders across his      The Avacado opinions col-
again. Melford reports that the stu-     paper and then slides off the edge       umn, “Kiss My Asymptote,”
dent, who he has dubbed ‘the             as his arm goes limp. Sometimes          makes its debut
brown-haired kid with weird ears         he’ll sit up long enough to write a       and:
that sits in front of me,’ sleeps        word or two down, but that’s about
through the lecture religiously. “I      it.” Melford said the slow bobbing        Manwakesinstrange
seriously don’t know why he drags        and lolling of the student’s head is      apartment; location of
himself in here... I don’t think he’s    annoying, yet at the same time            pantsunderinvestigation
stayed awake once all year, and          “strangely hypnotic.”
there must be a more comfortable

Marshsupermarketinshamblesafterprank                                               Student sees herself in Feria
         Chaos erupted at around         ity assurance, reported that any cus-     Freshmanlathers,rinses,
5:30 p.m. Monday evening when an         tomer able to fit 14 unbroken Ritz        repeats
unidentified man apparently seized       crackers in his mouth would be eli-
control of a courtesy phone in the       gible for a cash prize sponsored by       Student known as ‘Key’ has
West Lafayette Marsh, dialed the         Nabisco, and stated that customers        alltestanswers,poststhem
intercom activation code, and made       checking out through lane four            on bulletin board
an unofficial announcement to all        within the next three minutes would
Marsh shoppers. He encouraged            get all their groceries for free. He      Loyal reader begins fren-
shoppers to sample any and all prod-     then thanked them for shopping at         zied search for “Inside”
ucts on the shelves as a form of qual-   Marsh.                                    section of Avacado

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