Does It Take A Woman To Unblock A Man

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					            Does It Take A Woman To Unblock A Man's Emotions?

Men can be very self-contained and secretive about their feelings. This reserve can prove both a huge
handicap and a challenge to a woman wishing to create a more intimate sharing of feelings with a man.
So what can they do to unblock it?

First, it is important to recognise a man's reticence for what it is.

It is almost certainly a defensive stance which they adopted in childhood to protect against maybe
parents, or teachers, or siblings or friends. And once adopted as a protective emotional shield, it could
have been taken into adult life, there to be honed and all too often strengthened, but not discarded.

It is most unlikely to be a genetic condition and much more likely to be behavioural.

Significantly, the original experiences in child hood causing this could well have seemed innocuous to
the parent, teacher, sibling or peer group at the time. An independent observer reviewing it today might
see it in the same light. Yet to most of the recipients they could have been very unwelcome. To a
particularly sensitive recipient, they could have been so deeply disturbing if they were repeated over a

And the result can have laid in the sufferer invisible to those who could have caused it, wittingly or
unwittingly. They could have been quite unaware of the defensive but determined and blanket decision
made at the time by the child never to allow his feelings to hurt him in future. Worse, they could have
remained ignorant of the child's resulting commitment never to allow himself to feel his feelings.

Very often, mothers can initiate unknowingly the construction of this process or pattern in a child. It has
to be said, that there are some mothers who should have known better. As an example, the arrival of a
new baby can cause such a domestic distraction for the mother that the older child suddenly feels
emotionally abandoned, becomes hurt and begins, irrationally, to screen out his or her feelings..

Should one acknowledge that this can happen to girls too? Of course! Although, one suspects somehow,
that girls remain less wedded to the defensive childhood patterns once they reach adulthood, than men
may do. Why, I suspect that they are willing to talk about it more, while a boy can feel shame in
admitting it.

So what simple steps can women take to help unblock a reserved and self-contained man.

First encourage him without judgement on his part or yours, to recall events in his childhood which
disturb him when he does.

Second, allow him to rehearse aloud their significance to him at that time as he reflects and dwells on
them now.
Third, be prepared for him to find this a particularly sensitive exercise which could prove too much to be
conducted in one stage.

Fourth, most definitely without judgmental comments from you, see if you can allow him to indicate
how he feels he may have carried forward the implications of these defensive patterns into his
relationships with others in general and with you in particular.

Critically important, as already emphasised, is being non-judgemental with him throughout. Many of his
current assessments of himself will be based on his self-patterning as a child, no matter how common
sense would now show it to be misguided. He can have acted as a naïve private judge and jury of
himself, only then to go on perpetuating the strategy. Looking at it in hindsight, the realisation and
acceptance of the existence of such a pattern could now appear very difficult even for him to
understand and justify. But he best needs to be able to digest and process that himself.

Doing this with a partner or someone counselling in a way that explains it but does not demean it, will
prove to him the amazing value of sharing such issues and that he can trust another with the knowledge.
The level of happiness resulting can only help him to find greater fulfilment from his current

Gerry Neale is an author, a cognitive mentor and motivational speaker. He has recently published an
intriguing self-discovery novel in paperback with cognitive behavioural overtones. It is called 'Squaring
Circles' and has been described by some readers as life-changing. Details can be found at

It can be obtained from Amazon ( or through the publishers Pearl Press Limited or bookshops.
Additional information is available at

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