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					Parenting
References
• The Holy Bible By Our Awesome God

• Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen.
 ISBN: 0-345-40251-0

• The Complete Book of Christian Parenting
 & Child Care by William Sears, M.D. and
 Martha Sears, R.N.
 ISBN: 0-8054-6198-1
Basic Concepts
• Children, obey your PARENTS in the Lord,
  for this is right. Eph 6:1
• Children, obey your PARENTS in the Lord,
  for this is right. Col 3:20.
• And you, fathers, do not provoke your
  children to wrath, but bring them up in the
  training and admonition of the Lord. Eph
  6:4
• Fathers, do not PROVOKE your children,
  lest they become discouraged. Col 3:21
1) God Designed Parents with the
necessary Tools for parenting!!
• Parents are bombarded by numerous
 advice about parenting and they feel
 inadequate and worried.

• We should encourage parents while they
 are asking for advice.

• In order to tap into their God-given
 parenting ability, they need to always
 keep their eyes on the best parent: our
 heavenly father.
• We need to help them believe that God
 would not have given them a child they
 cannot handle.

• We have the advantage of having the
 church and the Lord Jesus to guide and
 help us through our parenting journey.

• Parenting is still the most important
 and probably the most difficult job a
 parent will ever do.
• We are taught from birth to obey our
  parents, to obey our teachers, to obey our
  pastors. Yet, parenting advice is often a
  matter of opinion. And when it comes to
  parenting opinions, everyone certain that
  their way is the right way
• Remember, nothing divides people like a
  difference in opinion on how to raise
  children.
• There is no one way to take care of every
  child. If there were, we would all be
  clones.
• There are certain basic principles of
  childrearing that are founded on biblical
  principles and supported by scientific
  research experience, and plain old
  common sense, Yet much of what we
  know is in the realm of opinion.
• Most parents are not prepared for
  parenting at the time of having their first
  child
• Preparation to be a parent starts from
  childhood.
2) The goal is to be Godly parents.
• In order to advice parents we need
  to study how God as a father parents
  us.
• Prayer is a very powerful parenting
  tool.
• Our model in parenting should be the
  Lord Jesus himself and as well as his
  saints, e.g. the mother of us all St.
  Mary.
• Studying parenting is very important
  but should have the bible as a guide.
3)There are many parenting schools.
• There are as many parenting schools
  as there are parents.
• Some groups are very strict.
• Some groups advocate spanking.
• Some groups completely against any
  physical punishment.
• Some use the bible in a literal and
  manipulative ways and others does
  not use the bible at all.
 4)The Bible and Parenting.
• The bible is not intended to be a parenting
  book.
• Many of the parenting principles from the
  bible has to be taken within the context
  and also has to be flexible and allow for
  individual differences.
• The bible provides general guidelines like
  the constitution but it will need
  interpretation depending on the situation
  and the individuals.
• The key is to surround yourself with good
  and godly people that can provide sound
  advice.
5) Parents should be the experts on their
children's needs.
• Through prayer, reading the bible and
  advice parents should become the experts
  on how to parent their children.
• Any external advice should be carefully
  examined before applied to “MY” child.
• Some of the most logical and well known
  advice about raising kids may not be good
  or may even be very harmful to some
  children.
Examples:

• Spanking children who are: depressed,
  mentally retarded, has ADHD, traumatized
  of very anxious etc.
• Refusing to allow kids to come to parents’
  bed
• Leaving babies to cry themselves to sleep.
• Not picking up babies when they cry.
6) What happened to the good old
days?
• Adults no longer give children an
  example or model of obedience and
  submission. e.g. wife to husband,
  employee to boss etc.
“When Dad lost control of Mom they both
  lost control of the children”.
• Current society provide children with very
  few opportunities to learn responsibility
  and motivation. We no longer need
  children for economic survival.
    7) The foundation:
1) Commitment to God centered life.
• The most important step is to commit
    wholeheartedly to living Godly life.
•   Any relationship needs commitment.
•   When we strongly commit to the Lord our children
    will see the example and do the same.
•   Parents need to take the time to know the Lord.
2) Commitment to Husband-Wife relationship
• Life-long relationship
• A fulfilling relationship.

.
3) Parenting is a form of a discipleship

• Discipline comes from the Latin word “disciplus”
  or “disciple” which best expresses the relationship
  of a child to a parent.

• Parents should act as teachers and an examples (
  a model) for their children.

• The Goal of parenting is to help children develop
  self control, character and values. Like good
  teachers, parents goal is to get their children to
  depend on themselves and be independent.
• The True Good Teacher is the Lord Jesus Christ.

• If parents model themselves after the Lord, they
  will be “good” parents.

• We CANNOT be “good” parents without having
  the Lord Jesus, through his Holy spirit, dwelling
  in us.

• We cannot be “the light” and “the way” to our
  children without following the “True Light” and
  “The True Way” ourselves.
8) Long Term Goals Of Parenting.
Help them learn the seven skills:

1- Strong perception of personal capabilities
    (I am capable)
2- Strong perception of significance in
    primary relationships (I contribute in
    meaningful ways and I am genuinely
    needed).
3- Strong perceptions of personal power or
    influence over life (I can influence what
    happens to me)
4- Strong intrapersonal skills ( the ability
    to understand personal emotions and to
    use that understanding to develop self-
    discipline and self control).
5- Strong interpersonal skills (the ability to
    work with others and develop friendships
    through communicating, cooperating,
    negotiation sharing empathizing and
    listening)
6-Strong systemic skills ( the ability to
  respond to the limits and consequences of
  everyday life with responsibility,
  adaptability, flexibility and integrity.

7-Strong Judgmental skills (the ability to use
  wisdom and to evaluate situations
  according to appropriate values).
Parenting Styles.

• Helicopter Parents (permissive, rescuing)
• Drill Sergeant (excessive strictness)
  Parents
• Consultant Parents
Helicopter Parents (permissive,
rescuing)
• Freedom without order
• Love means revolving their lives around their
    children
•   Hover over and rescue their children when
    trouble arises.
•   Always bailing out their children
•   Viewed by others as model parents.
•   Uncomfortable imposing consequences.
•   Fail to prepare their kids for the unforgiving
    world.
•   They may attack others who hold their children
    accountable, and declare their children as
    victims.
    Drill Sergeant (excessive strictness)
    Parents
• Order without freedom
• Love: The more they control the better their kids
    will be.
•   Often uses language full of put-downs and I-told
    –you –so’s.
•   They force their kids what they want them to do.
•   Their message is “you cannot think for yourself ,
    so I’ll do it for you”
•   Their kids cannot think for themselves, and if
    they did they make horrendous decisions.
•   When they reach teen years they no longer listen
    to parents but listen to friends. Also they rebel.
Consultant Parent (positive discipline)
• Freedom with order
• Limited choices.
• Encourage their children to think about
  their behavior.
• Help them feel in control of their actions by
  giving them choices within limits.
• Does not include blame, shame or pain as
  motivators.
• Based on mutual respect and cooperation.
• Allow them to learn from their mistakes by
  allowing them to fail in small things.
Parenting Choices
• Parenting is a relationship that develops
  naturally between the parent and the
  baby.
• Some parenting teachings will convey that
  new parents can choose a system of child
  care that fits most conveniently into their
  own life style.
• “Convenient parenting” is not God’s
  design.
Attachment Parenting
• Attachment parenting is in accordance with God’s
    plan.
•   Attachment is the Mother-infant attachment is a
    special bond of closeness between mother and
    baby.
•   Helps babies to reach their fullest potential, and
    thrive.
•   Babies are equipped with behaviors that help
    mothers deliver the right care.
•   God gave mothers the chemistry and sensitivity
    to respond to their babies appropriately.
•   It is called “Mother’s intuition ”
Examples of Attachment
Parenting Advise
• “Be open to your baby’s cues”
• “Take your baby with you”
• “Respond promptly to cries”
• “Sleep whenever you all sleep best”
• “Wean when both of you are ready”
• “Let your baby sleep when he is tired”
Examples of Detachment
Parenting Advice
• “Don’t let your baby run your life”
• “you’ ve got to get away from that kid.”
• “Get that baby on a schedule”
• “Let your baby cry it out”
• “Don’t let your baby sleep in your bed;
  she’ll get used to it”
• “What, you’re still nursing?”
• “She’s controlling you”
• “You’re making her dependent”
Attachment Parenting Results.
• Confidence in parenting skills
• Know child well.
• Develop realistic expectation.
• Adjust more easily to the new lifestyle.
• Enjoy baby more.
• Keep pace with child.
• Child learns to trust.
• Child has much better ability to relate to
 others.
 Detachment parenting Results.
• Do not trust parenting skills
• Mother and baby have a distant and
  strained relationship.
• Mother compares baby to other babies.
• More easily resent baby’s demand.
• Mother will need alternative fulfillment.
• Mother is more vulnerable to unwise
  advice.
• Child does not learn trust
• Very harmful to future relationships.
Some Discipline Basics
  The Positive approach
What Discipline Really Means
• Discipline is discipleship
• Discipline begins with having the right
  relationship with your child more than
  practicing the right techniques.
• It is something you do with a child, not to
  a child.
• Discipline is basically giving your children
  the tools to save their souls and succeed in
  life.
• Parenting is not disciplining and punishing
 but rather teaching caring about others,
 controlling oneself and putting others’
 wishes before ones’ own.

• Parents should ask themselves from time
 to time “ what kind of a relationship do I
 want with my child”
 Master- slave relationship or a relationship
 built on mutual respect and love.
• Discipline is not to be equated with
 punishment.

• Although punishment is an important part
 of the whole discipline picture, it is not the
 large part; it’s important to have balance.

• In family living, discipline means showing
 children what behavior is expected of
 them and the consequences of
 misbehavior. The home is like a mini
 society for a child
Critical Moments.

• Parenting and discipline Takes place
 continuously through a series of critical
 moments when the needs and desires of
 the child come in conflict with his parents
 short-term or long-term goals.
Children are social beings
• Children make decisions about themselves
  and how to behave, based on how they
  see themselves in relationship to others
  and how they think others feel about
  them.
• Remember that children are constantly
  making decisions and forming beliefs
  about themselves, about the world and
  about what they need to do to survive or
  thrive.
Behavior Is Goal Oriented
The Theory of mistaken Goals of behavior.
• Children are not consciously aware of the
  goal they hope to achieve.
• Sometimes they have mistaken ideas of
  how to achieve what they want, and they
  behave in ways that achieve just the
  opposite of their goal.
• For example, they may want to be liked,
  but they act obnoxious in their awkward
  attempts to achieve this goal.
 A child’s primary goal is to belong
and to be significant
• Misbehavior is based on a mistaken belief
  about how to achieve belonging and
  significance.
• When a misbehaving child acts
  obnoxiously, it is easy to understand why
  it is difficult for most adults to get past the
  misbehavior and remember the real
  meaning and message behind it: “I just
  want to belong.”
 FOUR MISTAKEN GOALS OF
 BEHAVIOR
• Attention—”I belong only when I have your
  attention.”
• Power—”I belong only when I’m winning or
  in charge, c at least when I don’t let you
  win.”
• Revenge—”It hurts that I don’t belong, but
  at least I can hurt back.”
• Assumed Inadequacy—”I give up. It is
  impossible to belong.”
Social interest

• It means having concern for one’s fellow
  person and a sincere desire to make a
  contribution to society.
• It is extremely important to teach social
  interest to children.
• What good is academic learning if young
  people do not learn to become
  contributing members of society?
 Social interest
• Don’t do anything for a child that a child
  can do for herself.
• The first step in teaching social interest is
  to teach self-reliance.
• Then children are ready to help others and
  feel extremely capable when they do.
• We have gone through an age of
  supermoms and super teachers, where
  children have learned to expect the world
  to serve them rather than to be of service
  to the world.
  Equality
• “How can children be equal when they
  don’t have the same experience,
  knowledge, or responsibility?”
• Equality does not mean “the same”.
• Equality means that all people have equal
  claims to dignity and respect.
• Discipline does not include humiliation.
  Humiliating techniques are contrary to the
  concepts of equality and mutual respect.
Understanding the child’s
developmental stage and know
your Child
• Very often parents’ confusion about
  discipline stems from a lack of
  understanding of what the child is capable
  of doing e.g. Punishing a 3 year old for a
  lie.
• “Train up your child in the way he should
  go. . . .” (Prov. 22:6). This verse for
  discipline implies we know our child
Children’s mistakes are their
Opportunity to Practice

• Children don’t have the luxury to practice
  their new skills.
• It is much safer to allow them to make
  mistakes and learn from them in a
  controlled and safe environment.
• If parents rescued them all the time they
  will never learn.
• In our society we are taught to be
  ashamed of mistake.
• What we need to achieve is the courage to
  change our debilitating beliefs about
  imperfection.
• When they make a mistake, they often
  receive the message that they are stupid.
• Some people decide they are bad or
  inadequate.
• Others decide they should not take risks
  for fear of humiliation.
• Some decide they will be, sneaky about
  their mi
• Many mistakes are made because parents
  haven’t taken time for training and
  encouragement.
• Model the courage to accept imperfection
  so that children will learn from you that
  mistakes truly are an opportunity to learn.
• THE THREE Rs OF RECOVERY :
  1. Recognize—”Wow! I made a mistake.
  2. Reconcile—”I apologize.”
  3. Resolve—”Let’s work on a solution
      together.”
Natural and logical Consequences

• When kids are punished they may think:
  – I am bad or worthless
  – Decide not to repeat the behavior out of fear.
  – How to defeat you later
  – How to avoid being caught in the future.
  – Think about revenge.
  – Sense of unfairness.
Natural Consequences:
• Is anything that happens naturally, with
  no adult interference.
• Cannot use natural consequences if:
  – Child in danger
  – When they interfere with the rights of others.
  – When the results of children’s behavior do not
    seem like a problem to them e.g. not taking a
    bath, brushing teeth, eating junk food or not
    doing the homework.
Logical consequences

• They require the intervention of an adult.
• Important to decide what kind of
  consequence that will create helpful
  learning experience.
• Most effective when the child has been
  involved, in advance, in deciding what
  consequences would be most conducive to
  help him or her learn.
• Sometimes we punish out of revenge, or to
  demonstrate power.

• Suffering is not a requirement of logical
  consequences.

• It hard to apply logical consequences and it is
  easier to just react and become engaged in
  power struggle.

• Things can get worse before getting better.
Three Rs of Logical Consequences

• This help to ensure that the solutions are
 logical consequences rather than
 punishment:
  – Related. Writes on the desk, spills the milk,
    write on the wall, etc
  – Respectful: “how can you be so clumsy”
  – Reasonable: clean every desk in the school is
    not reasonable.
MAKE SURE THE
MESSAGE OF
LOVE GETS
THROUGH
Punishment
• All Parents have strong opinions when it
 comes to the subject of punishment and
 the use of punishment.

• Punishment, if used alone, is not effective
 on the long run because it is entirely
 negative. It teaches the child what NOT to
 do but does not teach what he or she
 SHOULD do.

• Punishment effects are at best temporary
 and when used too often it looses its
 effectiveness.
• Punishment provokes fear and fear gives
 quick response but usually no self
 discipline.

• Mutual respect does not mean all family
 members are equal, it means that
 parenting and discipline takes place in a
 context of empathy, love , protection and
 guidance.

• What’s the use of discipline and parenting
 in general if it did not result is self-
 discipline.
• Excessive Punishment causes the child to
 believe that he or she is a “bad person”
 and results in low self esteem, low
 confidence and low self control.

• Punishment in moderation may be
 necessary, but unless its done in a larger
 positive context of discipline, it will not be
 effective or even may be harmful.
• There are different types of punishment:
 For example, physical punishment such as
 spanking, time out, grounding, taking
 away privileges, etc

• Punishment effects are at best temporary
 and when used too often it looses its
 effectiveness.
• Instead on focusing on the behavior that
 inspired the punishment the child usually
 focuses on anger toward the adult or
 shame about themselves.

• Some adults think that children misbehave
 because the punishment was not severe
 enough

• Punishment works but temporarily. With
 punishment, parents may win discipline
 battles , but they may loose the discipline
 war.
The Four Rs of Punishment
• Resentment and anger “ This is unfair”
• Revenge “they are winning now, but I’ll
  get even”
• Rebellion “I’ll do just the opposite to prove
  I don’t have to do it their way”
• Retreat, the from of sneakiness (passive-
  aggressive) or reduces self esteem “ I am
  a bad person, I give up”
 Important punishment rules:
1- Use punishment sparingly: Too often child
  gets used to it looses effect
2- Choose punishments that will decrease the
  undesirable behavior and change technique
  if not effective.
3- Use punishment with positive technique.
  Encourage, Encourage, Encourage.
4- Don’t delay punishment.
5- Always explain consequences.
6- Be consistent
7- Don’t make empty threats; don’t give
  2nd, 3rd and 10th chances.
8- Make the punishment proportionate to
  the behavior.
9- If you ever use physical punishment,
  make it brief and well controlled.
10- Never apply physical punishment in
  anger and never use belts, switches,
  cords, etc.
 What Does The Bible Say About
 Discipline/ Punishment.
• Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but
  he who loves him is diligent to discipline
  him. (Proverbs 13:24)
• Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,
  but the rod of discipline drives it far from
  him. (Proverbs 22:15)
• Do not withhold discipline from a child; if
  you strike him with a rod, he will not die.
  (Proverbs 23:13)
• Proverbs 22:15 and 29:15 support this
  interpretation with the phrases "the rod of
  discipline" and "the rod of correction." The
  writer is clearly not referring here to a
  literal rod.
• Many studies have shown that punishment
  of any kind, especially corporal, only
  teaches a child not to get caught doing
  wrong.
• Train up a child in the way he should go;
 even when he is old he will not depart
 from it. (Proverbs 22:5)

• The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a
 child left to himself brings shame to his
 mother. (proverbs 29:15)
• Do not withhold discipline from a child; if
 you strike him with a rod, he will not die.
 If you strike him with the rod, you will
 save his soul from Sheol. (Proverbs 23:13-
 14)


• Discipline your son, for there is hope; do
 not set your heart on putting him to death.
 (Proverbs 19:18)
How to interpret the bible verses

• First, lets get over the "literal
  interpretation" hurdle.

• If you take these verses absolutely
  literally, then they advocate punishing a
  child with an actual rod, an act that would
  be considered child abuse in most states.
MAKE SURE THE
MESSAGE OF
LOVE GETS
THROUGH
Some Parenting Skills
   and Techniques
Communication Is the Key to
Discipline
• “Children, obey your parents in
  everything, for this pleases the Lord” (Col.
  3:20).
• The term “obey” means to intelligently
  listen to.
• How you talk to your child. Often means
  the difference between compliance and
  defiance.
Communication Tips
• Constant reminding. “internalizing,” means
 the age at which children can remember
 previous directives and make them part of
 their usual way of acting. This is why
 toddlers need to be told a thousand times.
 But by three, a child can begin to
 internalize your instructions so that they
 sink in.
• Connect before you direct.
• KISMIF—Keep it simple; make it fun
• Rewind and replay.
• Be sure your child understands exactly
  what behavior is expected of him and in
  what situations.
• Let your child draw her own conclusions.
• Speak respectfully Be ever so
  understanding.
Setting Limits

• For children to thrive and parents to
  survive kids need boundaries.
• Most parents do a pretty good job of
  setting limits, but they forget that along
  with setting limits, they must provide
  structure.
• You establish house rules, but at the same
  time create conditions that make the rule
  easier to follow.
Setting Limits
• Setting limits and providing structure
  implies knowing when to say yes and
  when to say no.
• Limit setting teaches a child a valuable
  lesson for life: : the world is full of “yeses”
  and “no’s.”
• Try to balance your discipline with more
  “yeses” than “no’s”
• Distract and divert especially very young
  children
Shape, Don’t Control Your
Child’s Behavior.
• When-then. “When you put your toys
  away, then you can play outside”.
• Praise appropriately.
• Give reminders.
• Give consequences.
 Time Out
• Choose the time out location carefully.

• Explain the time out rules to the child

• Set a time limit to the time out 1
   min/year

• Count 1- 2- 3, as a warning, before
   sending the child to the time out place
Time Out
• Do not start counting until child has
    stopped unwanted behavior.
•   Back up consequences for not doing the
    time out.
•   Use timer.
•   Don’t let time out a way to avoid
    responsibility, e.g. cleaning up
•   Time out works best for children between
    ages 2-12.
Using Encouragement
Effectively.
• Encouragement is the most important skill
 adults can learn in helping children.
• Misbehaving child is usually a discouraged
  child.
• Encouragement is providing the children
  to develop the perceptions that “I am
  capable, I can contribute”
• “Children need encouragement, just as
 plants need water. They cannot survive
 without it.”

• Encouragement is not easy because it is
 normal for adults to get hooked into
 reacting to the misbehavior in negative
 ways

• They think punishment motivates children
 to improve their behavior.
  How to Encourage
• Timing.
• Winning cooperation
• Mutual respect
• Improvement, not perfection
• What you see is what you get
• Redirecting misbehavior
• Making up for it.
• Special time.
• Try a hug.
 Family Meetings
• Problems are shared in a family meeting.
  And the children create the solution.
• Mom and Dad do not take over
  responsibility when problems arise in
  carrying out the family’s decision.
• The children enforces the rules because
  Mom and Dad stays out of it.
• The rules applies to everyone in the family,
  including Mom and Dad.
  Family Meetings Rules
• Should be held once a week.
• Decisions should be made by consensus.
• Should include a review of the next week’s
  activities.
• Should not end without planning a family fun
  activity during the coming week.
• End the meeting by playing a game together
  or serving a dessert.
• Sitting at a cleared table is conducive to
  staying on task for problem-solving.
Components of the family
meeting
• Chairperson
• Secretary
• Compliments
• Gratitude
• The Agenda
• Problem-Solving
• Planning Activities

				
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