; Ch. 13 Attraction_ Intimacy_ and Love
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Ch. 13 Attraction_ Intimacy_ and Love


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									Attraction, Intimacy, and Love

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Attraction: The Girl Next Door

   Mere-exposure effect
     Repeated     exposure to any
      stimulus, including a
      person, leads to greater
      liking for that stimulus.
     Attractive person sitting
                                               Qu i ckTi m e™ a nd a
      next to you in a college                    de co mp res so r
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      class verses wealthy,
      brilliant student who sits in
      your seat two years later.

“Birds of a Feather Flock Together”
Attraction: Birds of a Feather
    Homophily
      Tendencyto have contact with people
      who are equal in social status
        Race
        Education
        Age
        Least   likely to be the same religion
      Short
          term partnerships are just as
      homophilous as marriages
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Attraction: Birds of a Feather
   Numerous studies
     Attracted
              to people whose attitudes and
     opinions are similar to ours.
       Opinion questionnaire
          Positive reinforcement from person agreeing with
          The other persons agreement bolsters out sense of
          Anticipate positive interactions with that person.

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Attraction: Birds of a Feather

   Matching phenomenon
     Tendency  for men and women to choose
     as partners people who match them on
     social and personal characteristics.

     “oppositesattract”- interpersonal style
     Study- dominate people paired with
      submissive people - greater satisfaction
Attraction: Physical Attractiveness

  A great deal of evidence shows that
   individuals will prefer potential
   partners who are more physically
  Young men and women typically rate
   physical appearance as the most
   important aspect of sex appeal.
Attraction: Physical Attractiveness
 Body Size
 Facial Features
 Depends on gender
     More   important to males than females
 One’s perceptive of attractiveness or
  beauty is influenced by our evaluation
  of their intelligence, liking and respect.
 Modified by own feelings of personal
The Interpersonal Marketplace

    Whom we are attracted to depends a lot on
     how much we think we have to offer and
     how much we think we can “buy” with it.
       Women’s worth may be based on
       Men’s worth may be based on success.
         Tendency  then for beautiful women to be
         paired with wealthy, successful men.
The Interpersonal Marketplace

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The Interpersonal Marketplace
 Attractive Women      Husbands with high incomes
                       High Education
 “Worth More”          Men in high status jobs-
 All Women-            physician, lawyer, chemist

 Unattractive Women    Middle status jobs-
 Within their “Price   electrician, book
 Range”                keeper, plumper
 Hardly Acceptable     Low status jobs-
                       janitor, bartender
From the Laboratory to Real Life
    According to Don Burn’s 1970 study:
      Couples who had been matched for
       similar attitudes were most attracted to
       each other.
      Those with dissimilar attitudes were not
       so attracted to each other.
      Greater attraction to the better-looking
       dates was reported.
      Study demonstrated the importance of
       similarity and physical appearance.
Attraction Online

  Some Web sites have tens of
   thousands of personals ads.
  Surveys suggest that educated,
   busy, affluent 20- to 40-year-olds
   seek partners online.
  Technology forces users to focus
   on similar interests, rather than
   physical attractiveness.
  Disadvantage- Honesty
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Playing Hard to Get
   Traditional Advice to girls- play hard to
    get, guys like that.
     Research   Studies to do not support that
   More complex Hypothesis: It is the
    women who is selectively hard to get,
    who is most attractive.
     Computer  dating experiment support this
Playing Hard to Get
 If a women is going to play hard to get
  she better used her strategies in a
  skillful way.
 Give impression that she has many
  offers but refuses them, while
  indicating she is willing to date the
  man in question but it will take some
  effort on his part to persuade her.
 Gender Stereotype- all studies were
  done on women playing hard to get
Playing Hard to Get
   Men’s use of hard to get strategies
    affect the way women perceive them.
     Sexual    experience
        High
            levels- rated as less desirable or
     Sexual    Fidelity or exclusiveness
        Essentialcharacteristics of committed
     Repulsed   by partners that brag about
      sexual ability or discuss prior
Playing Hard to Get
  Men appear to be equally attracted
   to “easy-to get” women.
  “Selectively hard to get” women
   appear most attractive, because she
   is “easy to get” for you, but “hard to
   get” for other men.
  Limited past sexual experience
   seems to be the ideal.
Playing Hard to Get
 Sexual fidelity or exclusiveness is
  considered an essential characteristic
  of committed relationships by most
 Research found that men and women
  are repulsed by partners who look
  longingly at others or brag about their
  sexual prowess.
Explaining Our Preferences

   Reinforcement theory: Byrne’s Law of
     Commonsense theory
     We tend to like people  who give us
      reinforcements or rewards and to dislike
      people who give us punishments.
     Interaction with them is rewarding
     Disagreements cause conflict, hostility
Explaining Our Preferences
   Applying the theory in a new
     Give  the other person positive
     Make sure you have some good times
Explaining Our Preferences
   Sociobiology: Sexual Strategies
     Historically - the function on mating has
      been reproduction
     Women bear offspring- men look for
      reproductively valuable women
     Younger women are more likely to be
      fertile than older women- thus the
      preference for young women
Explaining Our Preferences
   Sociobiology: Sexual Strategies
     Men  want to be certain about the
      paternity, hence they want a women who
      is sexually faithful- one that is hard to get
     Physically attractive more likely to be
      healthy and fertile
        Studiesdone indicate attractive people were
        rated as healthy
Explaining Our Preferences
   Sociobiology: Sexual Strategies
     Women   want men that are reproductively
      valuable- hence the preference for good-
      looking mates
     Men who are able and willing to invest
      resources in them and their children,
      hence the preference for men with higher
      incomes and status
Explaining Our Preferences
   Sociobiology: Sexual Strategies
     Men  with greater earning potential,
      preference of greater education and high
      occupation aspirations
     Earning potential is more important than
      good looks
    Defining features
      Openness
      Honesty
      Mutual self-disclosure
      Caring
      Warmth
      Protecting
      Helping
      Being devoted to each other
      Mutually attentive
      Mutually committed
      Surrendering control
      Dropping defenses
      Becoming Emotional
      Feeling distressed when separation occurs
   Emotional Intimacy
     Mutual self-disclosure
     Other kinds of verbal sharing
     Declarations of liking and loving the other
     Demonstrations of affection
 Intimacy in a romantic relationship is “the
  level of commitment and positive affective
  (emotional), cognitive and physical
  closeness one experiences with a partner.
 Need not be sexual
 Study found the following qualities
       Sharing, Sexual interaction, Trust, Openness
   Self-disclosure is the key characteristic of
   Telling personal information about oneself to
    the other person
   Makes us feel close to the other person
   Just as important for partner to be accepting
   Once we feel the relationship is intimate, we
    feel comfortable furthering engaging in self-
   Level of intimacy can change
    throughout relationship
     May    increase or decrease if partner pulls
   Study- attractive people disclosed
    more and people disclosed more to
    attractive people
Measuring Intimacy
   Personal Assessment of Intimacy in
    Relationships (PAIR) measures
    emotional intimacy in a relationship.
     My partner listens to me when I need
      someone to talk to
     My partner really understands my hurts
      and joys
Measuring Intimacy
   Another scale
     How  often do you confide very personal
      information to him or her?
     How often are you able to understand his
      or her feelings?
     How often do you feel close to him or
     How important is your relationship with
      him or her in your life?
Measuring Intimacy
 Answer those questions and consider
  what the quality of the intimacy is in
  your relationship
 In summary- intimacy is characterized
  by commitment, feelings of closeness,
  trust and self-disclosure
 Promote intimacy by engaging in self-
  disclosure, (providing that we trust the
  person), and being accepting of the
  other person’s self-disclosures
Theories of Love
   Continuum
       “hook-ups” (short term         4 views of love
        sexual relationships,               Triangular theory
        with little romance)
                                            Attachment theory
            “Love is really sex”
                                            Love-as-a story
       Romantic love
            Sex is nonexistent,            Passionate love
             non-sexual affair               view
       Middle- “Sex is really
            Theory of passionate
Triangular Theory of Love
(Robert Sternberg, 1986)

  Three   components of love:
     Intimacy - emotional component
     Passion - motivational component
     Decision or commitment - cognitive
3 Components of Love- Intimacy
   Emotional component of love
   Includes feelings of closeness
   Mutual understanding
   Sense of sharing one’s self
   Intimate communication
   Love one hears and accepts what is being
   Giving and receiving emotional support
   Can be found within best friends. Parents &
    children not just between lovers
3 Components of Love- Passion
   Passion
     Motivational component of love
     Includes physical attraction and the drive for
      sexual expression
     Physiological arousal is an important part of
     Differentiates romantic love from other kinds of
     Faster to arouse but also the component that
      fades away most quickly
     Some relationships- passion first, then intimacy,
      intimacy then passion, passion but no intimacy
      (casual sex)
3 Components of Love-
Decision or Commitment
 Decision that one loves the other
 Commitment to maintain that
     Makesa relationship last as passion
     comes and goes
The Triangular Theory
 Top is intimacy
 Left point is passion
 Right point is decision or commitment
 Can be well matched or mismatched
  how they feel about each other
The Triangular Theory
   (A) Perfectly Matched
     Both feel equal levels of passion, they
      both have the same level of commitment
   (B) Closely Matched
     Couples  are slightly mismatched but not
 (C) Moderately Mismatched
 (D) Severely Mismatched
     Couples  are severe mismatched. Equally
      committed but feel different levels of
The Triangular Theory
 When there is a good match between
  partners- they tend to feel more
 Mismatched triangles usually mean
  dissatisfaction with with relationship
 Examine the three components to see
  where partners are mismatched.
Love in Action
   Intimacy
     Communicating    personal feelings and
      information, offering emotional support
      (and sometimes financial), expressing
   Passion
     Actions-   kissing, touching, making love
   Commitment
     Saying  I love you, getting married,
      sticking in a relationship through tough
 The Art of Loving (1956)
 Love is something that one does, not a state
  one is in.
 Loving is an art
 Something that one
must learn about and
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 ‘Without expression,
even the greatest loves
can die”
 Developed a questionnaire, the Sternberg’s
  Triangular Love Scale (STLS), to measure
  the three components in his theory.
 Studies done on the scale
       As predicted commitment scores increased as
        relationships progressed from dating to marriage
       Intimacy decreases over time as partners
        become more familiar with one another (sharing
        inner feelings, trying to understand the partner
       Sexual behavior and satisfaction were more
        closely related to intimacy instead of passion
   Sternberg’s Triangular Love Scale
     Explain what the STLS is
     Interview someone
     Write a paper and draw the triangle
      diagram based on the results
Attachment Theory of Love
 Earliest attachment between infant
  and parent.
 The quality of this attachment affects
  our capacity to form loving
     Secure and Pleasant
     Insecure and Unpleasant
   Attachment theory of love is based on
    these ideas.
Attachment Theory of Love
   Hazan and Shaver theory of love:
     Secure   lovers find it easy to get close to
     Avoidant lovers are uncomfortable feeling
      close to another person.
     Anxious-ambivalent lovers want
      desperately to get closer to a partner but
      often find that the partner does not
      reciprocate the feeling.
      (scare them away, insecure in the
Attachment Theory of Love
   53% Secure
   26% Avoidant
   20% Anxious-ambivalent

   Divorce or death of a parent does not relate
    to adult attachment styles

   The Person’s perception of the quality of the
    relationships with each parent does predict
    attachment style.
Attachment Theory of Love
 Conflict in a relationship may be
  caused by mismatched attachment
 Secure lover would feel frustrated with
  an avoidant lover
 Jealousy- most common among
  anxious-ambivalent lovers because of
  early experiences of feeling anxious
  about attachment to parent
 Secure- greatest satisfaction and
 Green Eyed Monster
 Intense jealousy can result in abuse,
  assault, homicide
 Jealousy is a threat to an interpersonal
 Emotional Jealousy- attached to them
 Sexual Jealousy- engaged in sexual
 Men are more upset by
  Sexual/Females Emotional
 Men concerned with Paternity
 Women need men to provide for her
  and her children- if he fell in love with
  someone else he may leave her.
   Two situation activate Jealousy
     Self-Esteem
        Partner   makes us feel good about ourselves
        If there is someone else, we feel less
         attractive or less fun to be with
        Self-esteem is threaten
     Threat   to the Relationship
        Negative   thoughts and feelings about losing
         the relationship
        Lose of companionship and sex
   Stages
     Cognitive   and Emotional
       Cognitive
          Initial appraisal of the situation
          Is there a threat to self-esteem or to the
   Emotional
       2 Phases
            Jealous Flash- rapid stress response
                 Reappraise Situation- decide how to cope
                     Positive
                     Effective Communication
                     Reevaluation of the Relationship- make changes
                     Seek advice from a therapist
                     Negative
                     Depression, substance abuse, suicide
                     Aggression, abuse, murder
   Response to jealousy depends on
    attachment style
       Secure- positive
       Anxious- intense anger
       Avoidant- anger towards third person
Love as a Story
 Romeo and Juliet
 Cinderella and the Prince
 Pretty Women

 Shape our beliefs about love and
 Beliefs influence our behavior
Love as a Story
   Story about what love should be like
     Characters
       2  central characters
        Play roles that complement each other
    A   plot
        Events   that occur in the relationship
    A   theme
        Provides  meaning of the events that make up
         the plot and gives direction to the behavior
Love as a Story- Zach & Tammy
 Zach and Tammy- married 28 years
 Friends predict divorce
 Fight constantly
 Tammy threatens to leave Zach, he
  tells her nothing would make him more
 They lived happily ever-after
Love as a Story- Zach & Tammy
   Characters
     Warriors, doing battle, fighting for what
      they believe
   Plot
     Arguments,      fights, threats to leave
   Theme
     Love   is war
        One   may lose a battle but the war continues
   Relationship endures because it fits
    their temperaments
Love as a Story
   Falling in Love
     When   you meet someone with whom you
      can create a relationship that fits your
      love story
     We are satisfied in the relationship when
      we and out partner match the characters
      in our story
Love as a Story- Valerie & Leonard
 Perfect marriage
 Friends agreed
 Children never saw them fight
 Leonard met someone at his office,
  and left Valerie.
 They divorced

 Valerie did not fit Leonard’s Love Story
 He met his “true love”, his other
  character in his love story
Love as a Story
   Where do we get these stories?
     Culture
     Folk Tales
     Literature
     Theater
     Films
     TV
   As we experience relationships, our
    relationships evolve
Love as a Story
 Each person has more than one story
 Leonard
     House   and Home
       Home   was the center of the relationship
       He- caretaker showed attention to the home
        and kids (not Valerie)
       Sharon- she elicited the “Love is a Mystery”
        story, which was more significant to Leonard
       He couldn’t explain why he left Valeria- he
        was probably not aware of his love stories
Love as a Story
 Love Stories are self-fulfilling
 We create in our relationships
     events  according to the plot and then
     interpret those events according to the
 Social constructions
 Difficult to change- self-confirming
Love as a Story
   War as a story
       “I think fights make a relationship more vital”
       “I actually like to fight with my partner”
   Garden Story
   Business Story- low satisfaction
       Employer and Employee
   Horror Story- low satisfaction
       Terrorizer and Victim
   Addiction Story
   Travel Story
   Police Story
   Couples that agree in their story have
    greater satisfaction
Love as a Story
    A love story is a story about what love
     should be like.
        Includes characters, a plot, and a theme
        Two central characters in every love story
  Falling in love occurs when you meet
   someone with whom you can create a
   relationship that fits your love story.
  Love stories are self-fulfilling.
 Read: What’s your Love Story?
 Write a reflection of what ‘love story’ is
  yours. (1 paragraph)
 Write your own Love Story! (1/2 page-
     Characters
     Plot- what happens in a story
     Theme- broader idea that the    story
The Biology of Love
   Passionate Love & Companionate
     Passionate    love - state of intense
      physiological arousal and intense longing
      for union with the other person.
     Companionate love - feeling of deep
      attachment and commitment to a person
      with whom one has an intimate
Passionate Love
   3 components
     Cognitive
       Preoccupation with loved one
       Idealization of person or the relationship
     Emotional
       Physiological arousal
       Sexual Attraction
       Desire for union
     Behavioral
       Taking care of the other person
       Maintaining physical closeness
Companionate Love
 Feeling of deep attachment
 Passionate love is hot
 Companionate Love is warm
 Passionate Love
     1st stage in an romantic relationship
     2 people meet, fall madly in love, make a
      commitment to each other
     As the relationship develops
      Companionate love takes place (6-
Biology of Love
   Presence of loved one triggers chemicals
       Dopamine
            Increased energy, focused attention and reduced need
             for food and sleep -common experiences of people in
             early stages of love.
       Prolactin
            Rise after human orgasm
            Increases with infant nursing
       Oxytocin
            Stimulated by touch (sexual touching, orgasm)
            Produces feelings of pleasure and satisfaction
            Interpersonal trust
The Biology of Love
   Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI)
    has been used to study brain activity
    related to love.
     Shown    pictures of romantic partner and
      close friend.
     Pictures of partner activated specific
      areas of the brain.
Measuring Love
 Operational      definition
   A concept is defined by how it is measured
   Scores on the Passionate Love Scale (PLS)
    were correlated positively with other measures
    of love and with measures of commitment to
    and satisfaction with the relationship.
   High scores of the PLS, also reported a stronger
    desire to be with, held by, and kissed by partner.
    They said they were sexually excited just thinking
    about their partner.
   PLS increased as the nature of the relationship
    moved from dating to exclusive.
Two-Component Theory of Love
   Berscheid and Walster’s theory that
    two conditions must exist
    simultaneously for passionate love to
     physiological arousal
     attaching a cognitive label (“love”) to the
      feeling of arousal
Two-Component Theory of Love
   Misattribution of arousal -
     When    one is in a stage of physiological
      arousal (from exercising or being in a
      frightening situation) but attributes these
      feelings to love or attraction to the person
     Exercise study - those that exercised
      reported the other person more attractive
     Attractive female interviewing- more men
      in the frightening situation were more
      attractive to the female and more tried to
      contact her after the study.
Cultural Values and the Meaning of Love
   Individualistic cultures
     U.S., Canada, and Western European countries
     Tend to emphasize individual goals over group
      and societal goals and interests.
     American Society- Passionate love basis of
     Independence
   Collectivist cultures
     China, Africa, and Southeast Asian countries
     Emphasize group and collective goals over
      personal ones.
     Chinese- marriages are arranged. Intimacy is
      found in relationships with other family members
     Interdependence
Cross-Cultural Research
    Worldwide:
      Men   placed more weight on cues of
       reproductive capacity, such as
       physical attractiveness.
      Women rated cues about resources as
       more important.
      All rated intelligence, kindness, and
       understandings as the top of the list
       (characteristics of companionate love)
Maintaining the Relationship
    Communication
      Positivecommunication is important in
      developing and maintaining intimate

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Being an Effective Communicator

     Good messages:
       Complain   rather than criticize; use “I”
       Don’t mind read or make assumptions
        about what partner thinks or feels. Ask.
       Documenting - give specific examples
        of the issue being discussed.
       Offer limited choices - provide a set of
        acceptable alternatives.
Leveling and Editing
   Leveling - telling your partner what
    you are feeling by stating your
    thoughts clearly, simply, and
   Editing - censoring or not saying
    things that would be deliberately
    hurtful to your partner or that are
 Listening - actively trying to understand what
  the other person is saying
    Nondefensive listening - focusing on
     what your partner is saying and feeling,
     and not immediately becoming defensive
     or counterattacking with complaints of your
 Paraphrasing - saying, in your own words,
  what you thought your partner meant
    Body Talk:
    Nonverbal Communication
 Communication not through words,
  but through the body.
 Examples:
     eye contact
     tone of voice
     touching
  Validating - telling your partner that,
   given his or her point of view, you
   can see why he or she thinks a
   certain way.
  Drawing your partner out.
  Accentuate the positive - happy
   couples make more positive
Fighting Fair

 A set of rules designed to make arguments
  constructive rather than destructive
 Checking out sexy signals:
    Ambiguous messages can lead to
     feelings of hurt and rejection, or to anger.
    Don’t make any assumptions about the
     meaning of ambiguous messages.

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