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Attraction, Intimacy, and Love Quic kTime™ and a dec ompress or are needed to see this pic ture. Attraction: The Girl Next Door Mere-exposure effect Repeated exposure to any stimulus, including a person, leads to greater liking for that stimulus. Attractive person sitting Qu i ckTi m e™ a nd a next to you in a college de co mp res so r a re ne ed ed to se e th is pi c tu re. class verses wealthy, brilliant student who sits in your seat two years later. Attraction: “Birds of a Feather Flock Together” Attraction: Birds of a Feather Homophily Tendencyto have contact with people who are equal in social status Race Education Age Least likely to be the same religion Short term partnerships are just as homophilous as marriages QuickTime™ an d a decompressor are need ed to see this picture. Attraction: Birds of a Feather Numerous studies Attracted to people whose attitudes and opinions are similar to ours. Opinion questionnaire Positive reinforcement from person agreeing with us. The other persons agreement bolsters out sense of rightness. Anticipate positive interactions with that person. QuickTime™ and a decompressor are neede d to se e this picture. Attraction: Birds of a Feather Matching phenomenon Tendency for men and women to choose as partners people who match them on social and personal characteristics. “oppositesattract”- interpersonal style Study- dominate people paired with submissive people - greater satisfaction Attraction: Physical Attractiveness A great deal of evidence shows that individuals will prefer potential partners who are more physically attractive. Young men and women typically rate physical appearance as the most important aspect of sex appeal. Attraction: Physical Attractiveness Body Size Facial Features Depends on gender More important to males than females One’s perceptive of attractiveness or beauty is influenced by our evaluation of their intelligence, liking and respect. Modified by own feelings of personal worth The Interpersonal Marketplace Whom we are attracted to depends a lot on how much we think we have to offer and how much we think we can “buy” with it. Women’s worth may be based on beauty. Men’s worth may be based on success. Tendency then for beautiful women to be paired with wealthy, successful men. The Interpersonal Marketplace QuickTime™ an d a decompressor are need ed to see this p icture . The Interpersonal Marketplace Attractive Women Husbands with high incomes High Education “Worth More” Men in high status jobs- All Women- physician, lawyer, chemist Unattractive Women Middle status jobs- Within their “Price electrician, book Range” keeper, plumper Hardly Acceptable Low status jobs- janitor, bartender From the Laboratory to Real Life According to Don Burn’s 1970 study: Couples who had been matched for similar attitudes were most attracted to each other. Those with dissimilar attitudes were not so attracted to each other. Greater attraction to the better-looking dates was reported. Study demonstrated the importance of similarity and physical appearance. Attraction Online Some Web sites have tens of thousands of personals ads. Surveys suggest that educated, busy, affluent 20- to 40-year-olds seek partners online. Technology forces users to focus on similar interests, rather than physical attractiveness. Disadvantage- Honesty QuickTime™ an d a decompressor are need ed to see this p icture . QuickTime™ an d a decompressor are need ed to see this p icture . Playing Hard to Get Traditional Advice to girls- play hard to get, guys like that. Research Studies to do not support that advice More complex Hypothesis: It is the women who is selectively hard to get, who is most attractive. Computer dating experiment support this hypothesis. Playing Hard to Get If a women is going to play hard to get she better used her strategies in a skillful way. Give impression that she has many offers but refuses them, while indicating she is willing to date the man in question but it will take some effort on his part to persuade her. Gender Stereotype- all studies were done on women playing hard to get Playing Hard to Get Men’s use of hard to get strategies affect the way women perceive them. Sexual experience High levels- rated as less desirable or undesirable Sexual Fidelity or exclusiveness Essentialcharacteristics of committed relationships Repulsed by partners that brag about sexual ability or discuss prior relationships Playing Hard to Get Men appear to be equally attracted to “easy-to get” women. “Selectively hard to get” women appear most attractive, because she is “easy to get” for you, but “hard to get” for other men. Limited past sexual experience seems to be the ideal. Playing Hard to Get Sexual fidelity or exclusiveness is considered an essential characteristic of committed relationships by most people. Research found that men and women are repulsed by partners who look longingly at others or brag about their sexual prowess. Explaining Our Preferences Reinforcement theory: Byrne’s Law of Attraction Commonsense theory We tend to like people who give us reinforcements or rewards and to dislike people who give us punishments. Interaction with them is rewarding Disagreements cause conflict, hostility Explaining Our Preferences Applying the theory in a new relationships Give the other person positive reinforcement Make sure you have some good times together Explaining Our Preferences Sociobiology: Sexual Strategies Theory Historically - the function on mating has been reproduction Women bear offspring- men look for reproductively valuable women Younger women are more likely to be fertile than older women- thus the preference for young women Explaining Our Preferences Sociobiology: Sexual Strategies Theory Men want to be certain about the paternity, hence they want a women who is sexually faithful- one that is hard to get Physically attractive more likely to be healthy and fertile Studiesdone indicate attractive people were rated as healthy Explaining Our Preferences Sociobiology: Sexual Strategies Theory Women want men that are reproductively valuable- hence the preference for good- looking mates Men who are able and willing to invest resources in them and their children, hence the preference for men with higher incomes and status Explaining Our Preferences Sociobiology: Sexual Strategies Theory Men with greater earning potential, preference of greater education and high occupation aspirations Earning potential is more important than good looks Intimacy Defining features Openness Honesty Mutual self-disclosure Caring Warmth Protecting Helping Being devoted to each other Mutually attentive Mutually committed Surrendering control Dropping defenses Becoming Emotional Feeling distressed when separation occurs Intimacy Emotional Intimacy Mutual self-disclosure Other kinds of verbal sharing Declarations of liking and loving the other Demonstrations of affection Intimacy in a romantic relationship is “the level of commitment and positive affective (emotional), cognitive and physical closeness one experiences with a partner. Need not be sexual Study found the following qualities Sharing, Sexual interaction, Trust, Openness Intimacy Self-disclosure is the key characteristic of intimacy. Telling personal information about oneself to the other person Makes us feel close to the other person Just as important for partner to be accepting Once we feel the relationship is intimate, we feel comfortable furthering engaging in self- disclosure Intimacy Level of intimacy can change throughout relationship May increase or decrease if partner pulls back Study- attractive people disclosed more and people disclosed more to attractive people Measuring Intimacy Personal Assessment of Intimacy in Relationships (PAIR) measures emotional intimacy in a relationship. My partner listens to me when I need someone to talk to My partner really understands my hurts and joys Measuring Intimacy Another scale How often do you confide very personal information to him or her? How often are you able to understand his or her feelings? How often do you feel close to him or her? How important is your relationship with him or her in your life? Measuring Intimacy Answer those questions and consider what the quality of the intimacy is in your relationship In summary- intimacy is characterized by commitment, feelings of closeness, trust and self-disclosure Promote intimacy by engaging in self- disclosure, (providing that we trust the person), and being accepting of the other person’s self-disclosures Theories of Love Continuum “hook-ups” (short term 4 views of love sexual relationships, Triangular theory with little romance) Attachment theory “Love is really sex” Love-as-a story Romantic love theory relationships Sex is nonexistent, Passionate love non-sexual affair view Middle- “Sex is really love” Theory of passionate love Triangular Theory of Love (Robert Sternberg, 1986) Three components of love: Intimacy - emotional component Passion - motivational component Decision or commitment - cognitive component 3 Components of Love- Intimacy Emotional component of love Includes feelings of closeness Mutual understanding Sense of sharing one’s self Intimate communication Love one hears and accepts what is being said Giving and receiving emotional support Can be found within best friends. Parents & children not just between lovers 3 Components of Love- Passion Passion Motivational component of love Includes physical attraction and the drive for sexual expression Physiological arousal is an important part of passion Differentiates romantic love from other kinds of love Faster to arouse but also the component that fades away most quickly Some relationships- passion first, then intimacy, intimacy then passion, passion but no intimacy (casual sex) 3 Components of Love- Decision or Commitment Decision that one loves the other person Commitment to maintain that relationship Makesa relationship last as passion comes and goes The Triangular Theory Top is intimacy Left point is passion Right point is decision or commitment Can be well matched or mismatched how they feel about each other The Triangular Theory (A) Perfectly Matched Both feel equal levels of passion, they both have the same level of commitment (B) Closely Matched Couples are slightly mismatched but not seriously (C) Moderately Mismatched (D) Severely Mismatched Couples are severe mismatched. Equally committed but feel different levels of intimacy The Triangular Theory When there is a good match between partners- they tend to feel more satisfied Mismatched triangles usually mean dissatisfaction with with relationship Examine the three components to see where partners are mismatched. Love in Action Intimacy Communicating personal feelings and information, offering emotional support (and sometimes financial), expressing empathy) Passion Actions- kissing, touching, making love Commitment Saying I love you, getting married, sticking in a relationship through tough times Book The Art of Loving (1956) Love is something that one does, not a state one is in. Loving is an art Something that one must learn about and QuickTime™ and a practice decompressor are neede d to see this picture. ‘Without expression, even the greatest loves can die” Sternberg Developed a questionnaire, the Sternberg’s Triangular Love Scale (STLS), to measure the three components in his theory. Studies done on the scale As predicted commitment scores increased as relationships progressed from dating to marriage Intimacy decreases over time as partners become more familiar with one another (sharing inner feelings, trying to understand the partner deceased) Sexual behavior and satisfaction were more closely related to intimacy instead of passion Assignment Sternberg’s Triangular Love Scale Explain what the STLS is Interview someone Write a paper and draw the triangle diagram based on the results Attachment Theory of Love Earliest attachment between infant and parent. The quality of this attachment affects our capacity to form loving attachments. Secure and Pleasant Insecure and Unpleasant Attachment theory of love is based on these ideas. Attachment Theory of Love Hazan and Shaver theory of love: Secure lovers find it easy to get close to others. Avoidant lovers are uncomfortable feeling close to another person. Anxious-ambivalent lovers want desperately to get closer to a partner but often find that the partner does not reciprocate the feeling. (scare them away, insecure in the relationship) Attachment Theory of Love 53% Secure 26% Avoidant 20% Anxious-ambivalent Divorce or death of a parent does not relate to adult attachment styles The Person’s perception of the quality of the relationships with each parent does predict attachment style. Attachment Theory of Love Conflict in a relationship may be caused by mismatched attachment styles Secure lover would feel frustrated with an avoidant lover Jealousy- most common among anxious-ambivalent lovers because of early experiences of feeling anxious about attachment to parent Secure- greatest satisfaction and commitment Jealousy Green Eyed Monster Intense jealousy can result in abuse, assault, homicide Jealousy is a threat to an interpersonal relationship Emotional Jealousy- attached to them emotionally Jealousy Sexual Jealousy- engaged in sexual intimacy Men are more upset by Sexual/Females Emotional Men concerned with Paternity Women need men to provide for her and her children- if he fell in love with someone else he may leave her. Jealousy Two situation activate Jealousy Self-Esteem Partner makes us feel good about ourselves If there is someone else, we feel less attractive or less fun to be with Self-esteem is threaten Threat to the Relationship Negative thoughts and feelings about losing the relationship Lose of companionship and sex Jealousy Stages Cognitive and Emotional Cognitive Initial appraisal of the situation Is there a threat to self-esteem or to the relationship Jealousy Emotional 2 Phases Jealous Flash- rapid stress response Reappraise Situation- decide how to cope Positive Effective Communication Reevaluation of the Relationship- make changes Seek advice from a therapist Negative Depression, substance abuse, suicide Aggression, abuse, murder Jealousy Response to jealousy depends on attachment style Secure- positive Anxious- intense anger Avoidant- anger towards third person Love as a Story Romeo and Juliet Cinderella and the Prince Pretty Women Shape our beliefs about love and relationships Beliefs influence our behavior Love as a Story Story about what love should be like Characters 2 central characters Play roles that complement each other A plot Events that occur in the relationship A theme Provides meaning of the events that make up the plot and gives direction to the behavior Love as a Story- Zach & Tammy Zach and Tammy- married 28 years Friends predict divorce Fight constantly Tammy threatens to leave Zach, he tells her nothing would make him more happier. They lived happily ever-after Love as a Story- Zach & Tammy Characters Warriors, doing battle, fighting for what they believe Plot Arguments, fights, threats to leave Theme Love is war One may lose a battle but the war continues Relationship endures because it fits their temperaments Love as a Story Falling in Love When you meet someone with whom you can create a relationship that fits your love story We are satisfied in the relationship when we and out partner match the characters in our story Love as a Story- Valerie & Leonard Perfect marriage Friends agreed Children never saw them fight Leonard met someone at his office, and left Valerie. They divorced Valerie did not fit Leonard’s Love Story He met his “true love”, his other character in his love story Love as a Story Where do we get these stories? Culture Folk Tales Literature Theater Films TV As we experience relationships, our relationships evolve Love as a Story Each person has more than one story Leonard House and Home Home was the center of the relationship He- caretaker showed attention to the home and kids (not Valerie) Sharon- she elicited the “Love is a Mystery” story, which was more significant to Leonard He couldn’t explain why he left Valeria- he was probably not aware of his love stories Love as a Story Love Stories are self-fulfilling We create in our relationships events according to the plot and then interpret those events according to the theme Social constructions Difficult to change- self-confirming Love as a Story War as a story “I think fights make a relationship more vital” “I actually like to fight with my partner” Garden Story Business Story- low satisfaction Employer and Employee Horror Story- low satisfaction Terrorizer and Victim Addiction Story Travel Story Police Story Couples that agree in their story have greater satisfaction Love as a Story A love story is a story about what love should be like. Includes characters, a plot, and a theme Two central characters in every love story Falling in love occurs when you meet someone with whom you can create a relationship that fits your love story. Love stories are self-fulfilling. Assignment Read: What’s your Love Story? Write a reflection of what ‘love story’ is yours. (1 paragraph) Write your own Love Story! (1/2 page- 1page) Characters Plot- what happens in a story Theme- broader idea that the story explores The Biology of Love Passionate Love & Companionate Love Passionate love - state of intense physiological arousal and intense longing for union with the other person. Companionate love - feeling of deep attachment and commitment to a person with whom one has an intimate relationship. Passionate Love 3 components Cognitive Preoccupation with loved one Idealization of person or the relationship Emotional Physiological arousal Sexual Attraction Desire for union Behavioral Taking care of the other person Maintaining physical closeness Companionate Love Feeling of deep attachment Passionate love is hot Companionate Love is warm Passionate Love 1st stage in an romantic relationship 2 people meet, fall madly in love, make a commitment to each other As the relationship develops Companionate love takes place (6- 30months) Biology of Love Presence of loved one triggers chemicals Dopamine Increased energy, focused attention and reduced need for food and sleep -common experiences of people in early stages of love. Prolactin Rise after human orgasm Increases with infant nursing Oxytocin Stimulated by touch (sexual touching, orgasm) Produces feelings of pleasure and satisfaction Interpersonal trust The Biology of Love Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) has been used to study brain activity related to love. Shown pictures of romantic partner and close friend. Pictures of partner activated specific areas of the brain. Measuring Love Operational definition A concept is defined by how it is measured Scores on the Passionate Love Scale (PLS) were correlated positively with other measures of love and with measures of commitment to and satisfaction with the relationship. High scores of the PLS, also reported a stronger desire to be with, held by, and kissed by partner. They said they were sexually excited just thinking about their partner. PLS increased as the nature of the relationship moved from dating to exclusive. Two-Component Theory of Love Berscheid and Walster’s theory that two conditions must exist simultaneously for passionate love to occur: physiological arousal attaching a cognitive label (“love”) to the feeling of arousal Two-Component Theory of Love Misattribution of arousal - When one is in a stage of physiological arousal (from exercising or being in a frightening situation) but attributes these feelings to love or attraction to the person present. Exercise study - those that exercised reported the other person more attractive Attractive female interviewing- more men in the frightening situation were more attractive to the female and more tried to contact her after the study. Cultural Values and the Meaning of Love Individualistic cultures U.S., Canada, and Western European countries Tend to emphasize individual goals over group and societal goals and interests. American Society- Passionate love basis of marriage Independence Collectivist cultures China, Africa, and Southeast Asian countries Emphasize group and collective goals over personal ones. Chinese- marriages are arranged. Intimacy is found in relationships with other family members Interdependence Cross-Cultural Research Worldwide: Men placed more weight on cues of reproductive capacity, such as physical attractiveness. Women rated cues about resources as more important. All rated intelligence, kindness, and understandings as the top of the list (characteristics of companionate love) Maintaining the Relationship Communication Positivecommunication is important in developing and maintaining intimate relationships. QuickTime™ and a decompressor are needed to see this picture. Being an Effective Communicator Good messages: Complain rather than criticize; use “I” language. Don’t mind read or make assumptions about what partner thinks or feels. Ask. Documenting - give specific examples of the issue being discussed. Offer limited choices - provide a set of acceptable alternatives. Leveling and Editing Leveling - telling your partner what you are feeling by stating your thoughts clearly, simply, and honestly. Editing - censoring or not saying things that would be deliberately hurtful to your partner or that are irrelevant. Listening Listening - actively trying to understand what the other person is saying Nondefensive listening - focusing on what your partner is saying and feeling, and not immediately becoming defensive or counterattacking with complaints of your own Paraphrasing - saying, in your own words, what you thought your partner meant Body Talk: Nonverbal Communication Communication not through words, but through the body. Examples: eye contact tone of voice touching Validating Validating - telling your partner that, given his or her point of view, you can see why he or she thinks a certain way. Drawing your partner out. Accentuate the positive - happy couples make more positive communications. Fighting Fair A set of rules designed to make arguments constructive rather than destructive Checking out sexy signals: Ambiguous messages can lead to feelings of hurt and rejection, or to anger. Don’t make any assumptions about the meaning of ambiguous messages.
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