Beauty Tips for Real Men by khoirunisa2012


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									Beauty Tips for Real Men

Ok men it's time to wise up. Women spend a fortune on making themselves
look beautiful. They purchase all kinds of creams, lotions, powders,
paints, nail files, lip gloss, herbal potions and cute little cotton pads
and brushes to decorate themselves. And it works! Women are beautiful.
THAT'S HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!!!! Beauty Tips We are men and we maybe
don't smell so nice and don't really take steps to prevent ageing (other
than an early death and none of us want that). We just get older and
watch our skin multiply and hang like a Boxer dog's lips. We lose hair
and gather bags under our eyes. We go bald, grey, silver even, and we
make strange involuntary noises when we bend down. An old author (John
Mortimer) once said that he was at an age where if he bent down he
wondered what else he could do whilst he was down there as it would be
some time before he straightened up. That's how it is men. You might be
reading this looking at your six pack (stomach not beer) laughing that
this article isn't for the likes of you as you log off and head for the
gym, but how wrong you would be. So get back here and sit your ass down.
Beauty Tips So whether you're young and popular or old and ignored it's
time to change the way we look after ourselves and it's time to fight
against genes and keep ourselves looking good. So pay attention and put
your ‘yeah right I'm already beautiful' attitude to one side for now. 1.
Tired Eyes. You know the feeling guys; you wake up in the morning look in
the mirror and see a man who's looking tired and old. Tell your dad to
get out of the way and then take a look at yourself. Your eyes look red
and there's loose skin trying to sneak off down your cheeks. You remember
how bright and alive your eyes used to be. Yeah well that was then and
this is now so stop romancing. Never mind the expensive anti ageing eye
cream or the refreshing eye drops; this over hyped chemical guesswork
doesn't wash. There is only one solution for this. Wear shades for the
rest of your life. If you look young people will think you're cool or
vain (no biggie) if you look old people will think you're a blues singer
or blind or both and you get the cool and sympathy vote. Beauty Tips 2.
Your face or mine. The first thing a woman will look at is your face,
unless she's standing behind you then it'll be your butt. Your face has
skin that holds all the external parts in. If you don't believe me lean
forward put your hands on your knees - did your eyes fall out of their
sockets? A face can look fresh or stale there's no inbetween. So let's
look at what we can do to stop Stephen Spielberg considering making
another Jurassic Park using your face as the location. First thing to
learn is this, just because a cream has a French sounding name it doesn't
mean it works. One look at the French President should tell you that.
(memo to self set up fake cosmetic company called Un-real-pronounced in
the same way as loreal). Creams and lotions cannot help us men we have to
accept that our skin is not meant to be silky smooth like the women. Our
face has to accommodate hair and you can't block the pinprick holes where
this hair exits because if we did we'd have tongue beards. So the best
thing to do when the worn leather look has arrived is this. Get yourself
a small scar. A scar is a great diverter. Women will look at your scar
and ask themselves where you got it from; are you a mafia guy, a tough
guy, hopeless at shaving? The intrigue will be part of the attraction.
One vital tip - don't put a scar from the corner of your lip to the tip
of your ear, that's creepy. A scar just above your eye or across either
cheek will be a winner. And no expensive anti scarring cream exists so
you get to look this way forever. 3. The Gut feeling. Its ok guys let's
not panic we all know where I'm going with this. The stomach has a mind
of its own. It can fool you into thinking one more beer or one more
burger won't do any harm then whilst you're asleep the stomach gets to
work on its expansion program. You wake up and get on the digital scales
and several numbers have appeared on the end of the usual 3. It can get
worse. Soon you won't see your feet or your little population creator and
of course your trousers must have shrunk in the wash? The whole six pack
thing was an advertising invention. You really believe those ads where
young athletic men say ‘you can have a stomach like mine in just three
weeks' what are they doing? Secretly killing fit young people in foreign
lands and shipping frozen six packs over? If your six pack has multiplied
it just followed your appetite. And anyway, who wants a stomach so firm
you can bounce bricks off it? Enough bricks thrown at a six pack will
eventually hurt whereas a fully nourished stomach acts lke a trampoline.
Face up to it men fatness has (paradoxically) overtaken fitness which
should be as rare as John Goodman out sprinting Usain Bolt but life ain't
like that. So how do we reduce that big overhanging blob? Beauty Tips
Here's the answer –you don't ! you just find yourself a woman of equal
size and live happily ever after. It'll be expensive you'll have to buy
bigger clothes wider cars stronger beds and a couple of inhalers but if
it's true love it'll be worth it. Top Tip – don't shack up in a house
with two floors it'll ruin your sex life before you get to the bed. If
you can't find the woman of your dreams then what you need to do is make
up stories about top female models and say that you've heard that because
they're so thin they envy and love fat guys. Hit all the social network
sites (Fatbook, Fatter, Tub Pages and the Wobble search engine) and
spread the fat/word, do it now guys, shave off your belly hair, clean out
the fluff from the button hole, make that gut skin smooth and let's make
obesity FASHIONABLE!! wash and go 4. The Anteater's Nose. Men if you
haven't worked out what I mean by that you are off the program. I admit
that this particular body part isn't usually mentioned when it comes to
beauty advice but there's plenty of men who have stood in front of a
mirror knuckles on hips nodding approvingly whilst saying ‘you beauty' to
themselves. They do this whilst trying to forget that they got a
specially magnified mirror installed in the bathroom. The anteater's nose
is an important part of man's make up. Indeed, many men make up lies
about the size and endurance levels of this biological conundrum. This
wonder of comedy will get you in trouble when it's adventurous and even
more trouble when it's tired. It can often tell you what to do and you
are powerless to resist. It can be spiteful and leak at the most
inappropriate point. But men where would you be without it? ( Eunuch
Employment Bureau - Google Ad inserted here) Well taught ones don't
surprise you on a bus or in a restaurant with that attention seeking
impromptu heading skywards thing. A well scrubbed one is absolutely vital
and washing several times a day is an essential duty. And men it belongs
to you so wash it as fast or slow as you like. Size doesn't matter. Too
big and you're just an unwelcome intruder, too small, well consider
yourself a master tickler. Size is a myth as long as your anteater's nose
is in good working order someone somewhere will appreciate it. Top tip –
do not even consider those Anteater Extension devices. The Velcro ones
are a complete rip off. So there you have it an inexpensive way to look
good, feel good and age disgracefully.

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