The Road to
Bamboozle By: Matthew Hoag,
Matt Hoag – Bernard
Craig Calderara – Seamus
Anthony Anderson – Toby
Matt Morey – Eduardo
James Nowak – Operator, Narrator
Matt Hoag – Typing, Speakers, own costume
Craig – Scribe, props, own costume,
Anthony – Music, Steering Wheel, own costume
Matt Morey – PSP, own costume
The Road to Bamboozle
Curtain Opens, Toby, Seamus, and Eduardo are lying dead on the ground. Bernard is walking
backwards with his thumb out with the hulk theme music playing he walks off stage.
Narrator - Two Hours Earlier, Dum Dum
Everyone gets up and goes off stage except for Toby and Bernard, they stand next to the car.
Toby – Ok guys, we’re running late. Get the hell in the car NOW!
Seamus runs onto stage
Seamus – [Yells] SHOTGUN!!!!!!!
Eduardo walks onto stage
Eduardo – Hang on man! I forgot my backpack.
Eduardo walks off stage
Bernard – Hurry up dude!
Eduardo returns to stage with his backpack and everyone gets in the car
Toby – Jesus, finally! Is everyone ready to go now?
Bernard – Yea, just let me put on my seatbelt.
Everyone turns around and stares at Bernard
Seamus – Dude! Seriously?
Eduardo – Yeah bro, grow a pair!
Bernard – [angry/sarcastic] You know what, when Toby’s such great driving gets us into an
accident, I’ll be the only one to live and I’ll laugh when all of you are dead!
Bernard puts on his seatbelt and Toby starts to drive
Eduardo – Hahaha, whatever man.
Narrator – Half hour later Dum Dum
The group is still driving Paramore is playing, Eduardo is playing on his PSP and not paying
Bernard, Seamus, and Toby – Whoa, I never meant to brag, But I got him where I want him
now. Whoa, it was never my intention to brag, To steal it all away from you now. But God does
it feel so good, Cause I got him where I want him now. And if you could then you know you
would. Cause God it just feels so... It just feels so good.
Song continues, Seamus hits Toby
Seamus – DUDE! We’re actually on our way to Bamboozle!!!
Toby – I know dude!
Bernard – We’re going to see A Day to Remember!
Seamus – And Animals as Leaders!
Toby – I can’t believe you guys forgot about the Black Veil Brides!
Five second pause
Seamus – Eduardo! It’s your turn bro! Pause. DUDE!
Bernard punches Eduardo
Bernard – [yells] DUDE!
Eduardo looks up from his PSP and takes out his headphones
Eduardo – What the hell man?! You made me lose a life!
Toby – Wake up and be part of the group! Or I’m pulling over and you can walk!
Narrator – Twenty minutes later Dum Dum
Toby flails his arms in the air
Toby – O, my God Guys!
Seamus and Bernard look at each other and start to laugh hysterically
Eduardo – Dude! Grab the steering wheel before you kill us!
Toby – You guys can go die in a ditch on the side of the road!
Bernard, Seamus and Eduardo start to laugh
Seamus – Hey everyone look, there’s a pirate!!!
Bernard – No dude, he’s just some homeless guy.
Toby – [laughs] A homeless guy.
Seamus – Hey Eduardo, don’t that guy look like a pirate?
Eduardo – Yeah I guess.
Seamus – But a pirate minus the ship is just a really creative homeless guy.
Toby – Whatever dude. OK so remember when we get there Bernard and Eduardo run to get a
spot in the line.
Seamus – What about me?
Toby – [embarrassed] I need help with my makeup.
Bernard – Ummmmmmm….. OK. I would say something but I’ll be nice.
Seamus – Dude, you can do it yourself I ain’t helping you! You can do your own makeup!
Eduardo – I found a bag of gold coins the other day!
Toby – That’s cool, I guess, a little random but still pretty cool.
Eduardo – Yeah, but I then found out that they were full of chocolate.
Seamus – That sucks dude!
Narrator – Twenty five minutes later Dum Dum
Eduardo – So where are we going any way?
Seamus – [yells] Dude?! I should beat you with my shirt!
Toby – Come on man, Bamboozle dude. Its gonna be insane!!!
Bernard – Yeah dude. That’s why you gave me the forty bucks a month ago.
Eduardo – Calm down guys, I did realize it was that big of a deal!
Toby – Man there’s gonna be over a hundred bands there spread out over three days.
Bernard – Yeah, and were gonna make sure that you see every single one,
Seamus – And make sure that you never sleep for the entire time, [hands him a monster] now
Everyone – Chug, Chug, Chug!!!
Eduardo chugs the entire monster
Eduardo – Hey man, if you pay for them I will drink monster all day.
Narrator – Forty minutes later Dum Dum
Toby – Hey guys, were almost there, were almost at BAMBOOZLE!!!!!!
Seamus – Stop talking then and drive faster Toby!
Toby – I’m not gonna get another speeding ticket just so you can get there faster, my parents
said that if I got another one they would take my car from me for a month.
Bernard – How can they do that, if you paid for the car yourself and you pay your own
Eduardo– It because they’re his parents and they can do whatever they want to him.
Toby – Yeah, plus they can also start make me pay for everything else like food, and electricity.
Trust me dude I already tried to play that card with them and that’s what they said.
Bernard – That sucks dude, but at least you have a car that runs. I haven’t been able to start mine
for weeks, I even got my keys stuck in the ignition.
Seamus – I thought we got the keys out before?
Bernard – We did, but I tried to start a few days later and they got stuck again. I’ve just been too
lazy to fight the thing again to get them out.
Eduardo – You idiot! Why would you put them back in if you had to fight to get them out?
Bernard – I was bored, and had nothing better to do
Seamus – [sarcastically] I’m glad my friends are so smart.
Toby – [yells] Damn!
Seamus – What?
Toby – I just missed the exit that we were supposed to take.
Bernard – [angry] See if you were not making fun of me and paying attention to the road we
would not have missed the exit!
Eduardo – But making fun of you is more fun!
Seamus – [angry] Maybe if we had a better driver we would have not missed the exit! Did you
think of that?
Eduardo – [angry] Then how come you didn’t drive.
Seamus – Cause I’m too cheap to pay for the gas!
Bernard – [angry] Will you ladies please stop fighting, we got to find a way back to that exit!
Few second pause.
Seamus – Hey, look there’s a unicorn over there!
Toby looks over and moves the steering wheel with him, heading for a telephone pole.
Bernard – Watch where you’re going dude!
Seamus grabs the wheel and tries to turn the car back into the road but causes the car to fishtail.
Eduardo – We’re all going to die!!!!!!!!!!!
The car impacts with the telephone pole, after a few seconds Bernard wakes up and puts his
hand on his head.
Bernard – Hey man what just happened, Toby, Seamus, Eduardo you guys ok?
Bernard checks for pulses with his free hand and realizes they’re all dead. He moves out of the
car and puts his hands on his head
Bernard – Oh no, they’re all dead! [few second pause] Hey, Seamus still owes me twenty bucks.
Bernard grabs Seamus’s wallet and takes out twenty bucks
Bernard – While I’m at it I might as well take everyone else’s money. It’s not like they’re going
to need it. But before I do I probably should call the cops to tell them about this accident.
Bernard grabs Eduardo’s Cell phone and dials 911
Operator – 911 services how may I help you?
Bernard – [In a frantic voice] Hello, I just witnessed a car accident. The car just swerved right
into a telephone pole, and I think everyone is dead inside.
Operator – Ok, sir just remain calm, and we will have an ambulance to your location
Bernard grabs Seamus’s hat and starts to take all of everyone else’s valuables. He starts to walk
away hitchhiking (the hulk theme starts to play). He opens Toby’s wallet and he pulls out his
Bernard – Kunta Kinte? I thought he said his name was Toby?