Rayisms

It was late in the day for school to let out and as I examined the clock, I know my life was

about to change. My life, up to that point in time had been very restricted. Growing up in

New York, I knew one kind of lifestyle in Westchester County and that was the WASP

ethic. I belonged to one of several Jewish families but growing up in that wealthy

community, with the property tax rate and unwritten laws that discriminated against Jews

made me a social outcast. There were no other cultures, classes or influences. I was the

Jew and they weren‟t. Every time I heard the word Jew, there was always the sharp

tingling up and down my spine and overwhelming feelings of self-consciousness. Years

before in Little League baseball, I was persecuted so much I couldn‟t bear any kind of

attention that would single me out.



Ten minutes to go as my eyes remain fixed on the clock. How do you say goodbye to

your school and your teachers? I spent a lot of time in that school. Too much time in the

principal‟s office and detention. In eight more minutes it will all be over, I‟m moving to

Florida. My old man was already there, getting a place for us to live. He had just retired

by selling his restaurant business in New York City and we were bound for the Jewish

Alps, St. Petersburg.



It was like my life flashing by in front of me. I remembered the pre-game huddles on the

football team. Everyone would gather around, hold hands, and from heart would murmur

The Lord‟s Prayer. Since I wasn‟t a member of their church, I didn‟t know the Lord‟s

Prayer, so all I could do was mumble while everyone else was murmuring? It tends to

make you feel isolated and very much alone. I was the class clown that everyone laughed

at but I figured I really had to outdo myself. Back in those days we used to walk into the

woods before school and smoke a cigarette. In the era of James Dean, smoking a butt was

a heavy thing that had to be hidden from parents and teachers. In school we used to go to

the boy‟s room, stand on top of the john and smoke your butt in front of the air vents.

One afternoon while I was up there. I got busted by one of the football coaches. Words

weren‟t needed, the whole story was written on my face and I was so embarrassed to be

up there, he just turned around and walked out.



Five minutes to go and it‟s time for me to say goodbye in my own little way. As I lit the

match before lighting my cigarette, the smell of sulphur and sound of the match going off

had to parallel any shot heard „round the world. I didn‟t have time to see the class‟

reaction, all I could focus on was the finger pointing to the door. Rothbard! Out!! Yea,

sure, teach, this sixteen year old was headed out the door and I didn‟t look back.



It was the middle of the night and I was sleeping on the couch in the living room and I

woke up to the sound of my mother crying. Nobody said anything, they didn‟t have to. I

knew my dad had died. After a week of driving from New York to Florida, he died the

first night we were there. It had only been two days and I was headed back to New York

and the same high school I never looked back at. The year after my father died we moved

to Long Island and a new school system. It seemed like this school taught everything in

reverse chronologically from my other school so I was learning the same thing over again

or else I had no idea what they were talking about because I had missed the basics. I

remember my last high school attendance record—out of the first quarter session I missed

48 out of 60 days with 12 afternoons, which means I never made it through a whole day.

One day the principle had me down there in his office with this whole pile of excuse

notes I had plainly written (must have been about 48 of them) and an English

composition paper and he was comparing the handwriting. The last thing I remember was

going out the door, scared as hell, not knowing where I was going to wind up next.



After several months of pushing a broom around the local grocery store, I found myself

joining the Army with a base salary of $70 a month. Several months had passed when I

was sitting on a garbage can peeling potatoes and the news rang out that President

Kennedy was dead. Up until that point in time, the one security I felt was that my country

had it together, but when that happened, you know something‟s wrong. My sense of

patriotism went down the tubes as I watched a millionaire Texan President send more and

more men to a distant land none of us ever heard of. Up until that time, word in the Army

was we were in bad shape because the only “wartime experienced” soldiers were Korean

vets and they were retiring. It‟s almost as if a war was needed to prepare the Army.



Eight years later I was sitting in my own little office on Madison Avenue wearing a $200

Oleg Cassini suit, a Pierre Cardin shirt and tie and boots to match. I had over ten suits and

may combinations of expensive shirts and ties so that I never had to wear the same

combinations if I didn't‟ want. It was 1971 and I had been out of the army for five years.

Two years before I had graduated from a junior college in Orange County, California

with a business degree. In that summer I remember reading in the newspaper about

Woodstock, which was really a couple hundred miles to the north of New York City

where I was but probably one million miles from where my head was. Prior to

Woodstock, there were posters and a lot of conversation about a gathering to be held

there and it seemed that at the time anyone who was Woodstock-bound had no place else

to go or nothing else to do. The mood of the country was split based on what your

position with the Vietnam War was.



I remember talking to some parents whose sons were off fighting. Right or wrong, all

they could cling to was patriotism and the belief or hope that someone knew what they

were doing. If you couldn‟t subscribe to that point of view, the line was drawn and there

you were. If you weren‟t into apple pie, baseball and what your country was doing, you

were an outcast. Generally speaking, if you were an outcast you had nothing else to do

and could spend a week upstate at Woodstock. The world looked on astonished as several

hundred thousand people battled the elements together in a kind of harmony that

civilization had ever known—unpoliced.



Back in my office on Madison Ave, I was one of the only young guys in the company

and there were a lot of young secretaries, most of them looking for Mr Right. Now in the

summertime back East, most people flock to beaches like fish out of water. There

happened to be a little community out there called Fire Island, accessible only by ferry—

no cars. In the beginning of the summer, people lease the beach homes and sell shares

through newspaper ads. Usually the houses have four bedrooms and you‟d have from 12

to 24 co-ed inhabitants per weekend. With no supervision or visible police enforcement,

a certain freedom could be felt. By Sunday afternoon, you were looking forward to going

home from sheer exhaustion. I remember taking out my motorcycle during the week on

those hot summer nights. Smoke a few joints, a lap or two around Central Park, and it‟s

back to your apartment—a cheap date and good company for the subway ride to work the

next morning. If you wanted, you could perform this scene three or four times a week

with different ladies.



Back in the office, things were going very well, I was promoted from the job of Junior

Budget Analyst to Assistant to the Administrative Manager of the Mail Marketing

Division. We were a mail order company that contracted with oil companies for their

mailing lists. It was my job to handle all the accounts payable and perform administrative

duties. The only thing that was more insurmountable than all the bullshit around there

was the money that went to pay for it. When you see, hear and read about all of these

mail order goodies to buy, chances are there‟s a bunch of inexperienced and incompetent

people experimenting with their and your livelihoods. A lot of the products they are

selling are untried and untested, as their only concern is middle-manning a buck. Many,

many times, shipping and handling charges are determined arbitrarily—picking figures

that sound good for a sales presentation or format.



As I looked around the company for its leaders who I could learn from and aspire to, I

found myself in a continual state of search. I was a junior executive, one step from being

able to dine in the executive dining room for free, what status! All men are basically the

same, but if you give some of them a free lunch and a nice office in a posh environment,

he might feel that this little edge over his co-workers can be called success and his innate

desires turn into anxieties that well eke away at him for the rest of his life. It‟s like we‟re

all riding on this big ship: those who have been on board the longest have hopefully

found their security within the ship‟s confines; they can only have faith or trust the ship is

heading in the right direction and everyone‟s attention is on the Captain. In a corporation,

the Chairman of the Board or President is totally inaccessible to all but a few of his

employees. Do we know his needs and most important, does he know ours?



When you get your job, you‟re so impressed with the fringe benefits and the wonderful

retirement programs, the warrior within you becomes passive as you let your guard down.

With your new company looking out for you, you begin to look elsewhere and that‟s

where the trouble begins. This is where your life takes on an unnatural presence. In such

a typical office scenario, you are usually at the mercy of your supervisor‟s mood. If

everything is OK at home, chances are you‟ll make it through the day, but if he‟s got

problems, he‟ll vent them your way. If that doesn‟t seem bad enough, you start thinking

about your retirement and what kind of a stoolie you‟re going to turn into. I remember

one of my female co-workers with a BA degree called the Vice President of our section

by his first name and then had to endure a humiliating lecture in front of all of us.



The corporation turns into a massive entity that can only see and move in one direction,

towards the black ink. By its own nature, it must pursue this direction to maintain and

ensure its own existence. A corporation with a conscience is in actuality, playing chess

against itself. If only the bottom line was the total amount of goods supplied and services

performed for the benefit of the people, rather than the amount of dollars that are being

drained from the local economy! The old adage, it takes money to make money will

ensure that the continual malignant growth of giant corporations—like big fish eating

small fish. If they didn‟t swallow up the smaller ones, they would terminate themselves.

When people must shop from stores where they can save the most, it creates a situation

where larger companies can absorb a loss by temporarily lowering their prices until they

drive out their competition. Let‟s face it, the business community is turning into a giant

rat going in circles trying to catch and consume its own tail.



As the days wore on, I started to become more and more disillusioned with my job and I

began to look elsewhere. It‟s as if you fill some particular slot and then your energies are

directed in another area and you are content with trying to maintain your slot as your

desires are projected elsewhere. Is this where youth leaves us? When we take those deep-

down desires that propelled us in our youth and gave us ambition and drive through

school, only to crash-land on some corporation‟s rank-and-file list? Incidentally—with all

of their overseas operations—what happens when an oil company or telecom gets bigger

than the United States government and when the government tries to legislate against

their interests? Will they declare a strike or work stoppage and hold the country for

ransom? Pretty frightening.



It‟s hard to be objective when you are on one side of a situation. As I looked over the

returns from one of our older mail order projects, I was surprised to see all of the replies

that referred to mail pollution. Out of a mailing of two million people, a one percent

response was usually adequate in a mail-order program to produce a profit. Just think of

the tides and tides of mail sent out at reduced rates! The amount of junk mail flooding the

post offices can only be supplemented by charging more and more for postage rates for

personal mail. As for business mail, all of the paperwork is created for one essential

reason: written proof in black and white. As a substitute for trust, paperwork furnishes

evidence. My boss would have his secretary put everything in writing. Meetings,

telephone discussions, observations, anything! His secretary was always busy typing. He

was feared by all because he was the only one with all of the paperwork. The funny thing

was, he was always skipping out and working on his church‟s accounting and the most

feared was always afraid of me because I knew what he was up to. As a matter of fact,

when I was first interviewed for the job working under him, I was told afterwards that he

insisted his employee should score 100% on the company achievement test. Later that

day I remember basking in pride upon learning that I had missed the first answer, but had

proceeded to score 99% and was told I had the job.



After much disillusionment, I started sending out resumes in search of another job. I

learned that once I started to progress within the company, my job description and area of

responsibility could not be directly assimilated into other companies‟ job descriptions,

which meant quite simply that I wouldn‟t be hired. It felt like high school revisited. The

business community—like the student body—represented one big clique. If you allow

yourself to become part of this scene, you‟re sort of an automated robot who goes to

work each day with the same intensity as a yoyo on its upward movement—straight on

track. When reviewing your resume, generally they are looking more for time lapses than

they are at your experience because if you do have any time lapses, you certainly aren‟t

one of them.



The climate of the country at the time was sort of an economic depression and I had no

luck finding another job, but I had decided this was it, I wanted out. Since I had these

contacts from where I was presently working, I decided to start my own business, a stereo

equipment store out in good old Long Island. I chose to rent out an old jewellery store

that had just gone out of business. It was approximately one half mile down the road from

a high school in a very wealthy neighborhood. Much to the surprise of the fellas I was

working with, I handed in my two weeks‟ notice and quit. The weekend I had quit my job

in the city, a bunch of us went upstate Vermont for a weekend of skiing and on the way

home I saw a big store with the words PUPPIES and strictly on impulse we stopped and

went inside. I had always had a dog while growing up and since my life was going to take

a big change, I whipped out a credit card and $320 later I had an Old English Sheepdog

which I named Daphne.



I was able to borrow six grand to start my new enterprise and I quickly came to realize

that the more I was able to do myself, the less I would have to pay for. As simple as this

realization sounds, most people are not aware of this and spend much of their time

watching other people working for them doing those things they could have done

themselves. Such was not the case when it came to carpentry work and the owner of the

place where I was buying all of my materials suggested that his son stop by and give me a

hand. It was also at this time I opened my first business checking account. I was surprised

to discover that the bank manager took me aside and explained that I had to write OK to

cash on the back or they would not honor my checks. To this day I still can‟t figure that

out!



My carpenter assistant turned out to be one of those long-haired, baby boom draft

evading, rarely working and always complaining about injustice and how crummy the

government is types. After quitting high school, I had joined the Army and spent three

unquestioning years of blind faith service and managed to serve out all my time without

ever getting into trouble. For the second half of my service, I was the Battalion

Commander‟s driver and the Sergeant Major used to say I was supposed to be above

reproach. I was a good soldier, made Spec 5, and was very much in awe of the black

Colonel for whom I was driver. I remember the first morning I had to pick him up. A

Colonel‟s driver is known for his patience and ability to sit behind the wheel, waiting

sometimes all day for the old man to reappear and you were always ashamed when you

would rudely wake up as he was opening the door for himself. This one particular

morning I accidentally leaned on the horn!



Maybe I mention both of these people at the same time because I shared an equal amount

of respect for them both. The Colonel was a pioneer in a very biased Army. As a black

man, it was almost expected of him to carry on the usual day-to-day injustices

perpetuated in the white man‟s society, but he didn‟t bend to the pressure. He was a

gracious man who knew he had to treat each bigot as any other man and lay aside his own

reactive impulses. In other words, he had to have the ability to see beyond another man‟s

prejudices or else he would slip to the same level and not be capable of performing his

job. My carpenter friend, on the other hand was more preoccupied with the political

ramifications of his society because it was forcing him to do its dirty work by lending his

body as a pawn in the war.



Since my separation from the Army, I was concerned with success, money and making

up for lost time. I never knew anyone like my carpenter friend, and even though I had

done my time, I didn‟t feel that he should have to. This attitude allowed me to hear him

because I understood his cause. If I didn‟t see his side of things I would have never

listened to him. But if you don‟t question whatever side or position you adhere to, one

can only acknowledge that you are in agreement. Unfortunately this statement also

describes the political nature of this country. There‟s good and bad, two sides to

everything, but it‟s just blind faith and plain ignorance when someone, without question

or reserve, sees anything one-sided. Up to that point I had been so concerned with being

successful and good that I ignored all the protestors and anyone else who wasn‟t into

what I was.



The date was March 27, 1971 and it was opening day for Sounds N Stuff. I was so used

to all the discouraging comments, advice and general state of mind from peers and family

that I felt a tremendous amount of inner satisfaction that I had just gotten the store open

on time. I remember the night before, sitting on the floor and just looking around with

pride. In their efforts to discourage me and prove me wrong, one by one they deserted

me. However it was as if some type of balance was being maintained. I was beginning to

lose a lot of unchallenged family-oriented beliefs in favor of believing in whatever works

and more of a “let‟s take each day as it comes” kind of attitude.



In the course of each person‟s lifetime, there comes a time when that person is faced with

a situation which requires a choice of value; should he react and do everything as

expected of him—what his relatives, friends and peers want him to do—or should he

react according to his feelings. It‟s really a case of cerebral thoughts versus emotional

feelings. Cerebral thoughts come and go (origin unknown) and where would we be if

those around us change their opinions daily? However, if we develop an instinct to react

from the heart, we are really seeing ourselves in others and reacting to that person in a

manner of how we expect anyone else to treat ourselves. Military personnel and police

are trained to act cerebrally, and so was my family.



As I opened my doors to the public, I had great expectations and with tremendous

anticipation, I waited…and waited for my first customer. I had considered selling records

and tapes, however, when I went to several distributors I quickly learned that unless I was

placing a $5000 order, it wasn‟t worth the salesman‟s time. I decided to sell small

compact stereo systems and I eventually wound up buying my records and tapes out of

the trunk of a guy‟s car who came around weekly. Since that time, there have been many

instances of collusion resulting in prosecution by the larger distributors in the area.

After my first week in business, I had sold one small stereo and needless to say, I was

discouraged. If only I had taken a job in another store, I would have known what to

expect. I simply hated the long hours and the sense of always having to be there working

on something. A very expensive lesson.



What is true for the national economy is also true for the local. The rate of inflation is

directly proportional to the amount of overseas investment. When the profits of local

businesses are withdrawn from that system and reinvested in an outside system, the outer

system is benefited while the local is robbed. The only way to reduce inflation is to

paralyze growth. It‟s like saying there will be less traffic accidents if nobody drives.

The present situation is this: most food, gasoline, appliances, automobiles, electronics,

clothing and banking facilities are provided by huge corporations with little or no interest

in that community. Since profit is the only goal sought, these corporations seek out the

cheapest labor, most often in other countries, and charge a price as high as the market can

bear. The problem begins when all of this money leaves the community as sales are

made, while most income generated in that community is heavily taxed first, while loan

programs come affixed with high interest to each borrower. The resulting effect is a drain

in each community disguised by something called credit. Everything looks OK on the

surface but in reality the banks and corporations own mostly everything.



I have several ideas concerning the economy, both on a local and national scale. Instead

of everyone within a particular community working for one of the several dominating

corporations, why not introduce a third sustainable sector into the economy? We have

public and private corporations, yet what is needed is a third type of ownership, a

corporation that is owned by all the people who use it equally. Then all of the goods and

services will always benefit the local populace and the local economy will not be drained.

The new corporation would encourage new jobs and fields of endeavor on a local level

by meeting the continuously increasing needs of the community. A corporation that

would service the community can only grow in accord with that particular rate of growth.



The solution to such a financial crisis is really quite simple. Each community should start

a cooperative that would be identical to any large retail store except all of the shoppers

would be the owners, and each member would hold one share of stock. The corporation

should sell everything the local consumers need, and at the end of the fiscal year each

member receives a dividend that will be spent back into the local system. As the local

corporation grows, it can buy out the smaller local businesses at a fair market price and

their employees can participate in the program. At the end of the year, the company

would designate how much of the profits would be distributed among the shareholders. It

is conceivable that there could be enough profit generated to provide each member with

sufficient funds to buy all of his holiday presents at the co-op each year. What is needed

to start this process is an initial source of funding and a company constitution designed to

keep a revolving Board of Directors as the leadership with an apolitical foundation. Every

two years the Board can elect two new directors as two former directors retire. The

corporation can provide low cost loans to entrepreneurs who can create new jobs with the

corporation. Each community will be served by itself rather than the present state of

politics which involves bowing to the demands of others for political favors.

Unemployment would be non-existent as each community takes on the task of serving

itself. The results could be mind-boggling.

Back in the store Daf and me were getting real bored. As I got to know the local high

school kids, business started to pick up. The kids began hanging out at the store and we

started to get to know each other. Since I had a young looking face, it seemed like there

weren‟t many differences. I had developed such a rapport with them that I started going

to their houses and meeting their parents. I can remember one instance when I was sitting

around with a bunch of kids secretly getting high in the bedroom and in the room next

door her 13 year-old sister was playing with her girlfriend. As I watched, they were

unaware (uncaring) and it was as if I was 13 also but somehow my age gave me just the

awareness to watch them and appreciate the preciousness of seeing them be themselves.

If they knew an older person was around, it would have never been the same. The only

thing wrong with being young is just lack of experience. If something good comes your

way, you don‟t know if it will continue, if so for how long or how many other

opportunities or breaks will come along. Youth is so deceiving in itself and it would seem

that an older friend who has seen his share of highs and lows can be a very helpful friend.

That is essentially how I saw myself with that group of friends.



About the same time all this was going on, I decided to try and increase business with

some local FM radio advertising. When I called the station, they sent their salesman

around and we made an agreement for 25 or so spots for $100, a good deal for my store.

For once, I was dealing with an organization that truly wanted to help me. If they could

increase my business, it would add to theirs. I received a phone call a few days later from

one of the DJs who was writing the ad. He kept asking questions trying to get an idea of

what the place was like and I said “Look, you just have to come down and see the place”.

He said OK and later that day he came and saw. The storefront was all brick with a huge

10 x 10 picture window. The bricks were alternatively painted blue and red and in the

center of the window on the inside was a big revolving mirrored glass ball with a strobe

light.



It was an instant friendship and we know where each other‟s head was at. I the showed

him how I take my breaks by placing a sign Be back in 10 minutes on the outside of the

door and locking it from the inside. Then we went downstairs where I had this nice

panelled room and a big bed and stereo. I happened to have this really good Panama Red

and we proceeded to get very stoned. Being on a tight schedule, he didn‟t have time to

write the ad but would think of something driving back to the station. An hour later, his

show came on and he was talking to me over the radio with no mention of my name. It‟s

just that we were both so stoned. When it came time for my first commercial which was

supposed to be 30 seconds long, he just started talking about meeting a lovely „honey‟

named Daphne who hung our at Sounds N Stuff and he went on and on. Maybe 3 to 5

minutes with a lot of stuttering and I knew I had a friend.



As time went on, the radio station was having a benefit drive and I said I would donate a

small stereo. In exchange I got a plug every time they aired the commercial. Business

was good but I was getting very tired of having to be in the store. Finally I hired someone

so that I could leave, or spend more time downstairs. Eventually it got to the point where

I would entertain my friends downstairs in my room. When we came upstairs we were all

so loaded it was hard to maintain, but I would just crank up the stereo to full volume.

During the day when nobody was around, I would stand outside the front of the store

smoking a joint in plain sight as if it were a cigar. Needless to say, I was now at the stage

where I was getting high all day long. The business wasn‟t, but life was beginning to be

pleasurable and having fun was becoming part of my livelihood. The night of the benefit,

I felt kind of proud for a little while until I was told someone had ripped off the stereo. It

took the glow out of things. Several weeks later I was awakened at 4:00 a.m. by a phone

call from the police, informing me that the store had been burglarized. I rushed down

there and was shocked to see that someone had thrown a spare tire from their car through

the picture window and they just stepped in, grabbed three stereos and split. Much to my

confusion, I was walking around the store when a lady who lived nearby told me that she

heard a lot of change falling on the ground, looked out the window and saw one of the

policemen putting my borrowed $1200 cash register (with $100 cash in it) into his car

and drive away. I went back inside and sat on the floor for about three hours in the

morning chill reflecting on what had just happened. I waited until a decent hour to call a

relative who was supposed to handle all my insurance. To make things worse, not only

did he tell me that I wasn‟t insured but later accused me behind my back of staging the

whole thing!



All of this with the store had transpired over a period of only four months and I was

burned out with the long hours. On top of that, the corruption and unpredictable behavior

of the police left me feeling paranoid. I was learning a funny thing as a result of the

business. Popularity seems directly proportional to the amount of money you want to

spend to make yourself known. Think about how this also applies to politics. In our

democratic way of life, a lot of money invested in media advertising will eventually be

absorbed by redundant repetition in a society that is in a trancelike setting with everyone

tolerating everything that is going around them with alcohol, legal pharmaceutical

prescriptions—which are the same pills purchased on the street after several people have

made their profit and have inflated the price—and in my case, smoking lots of hash and

pot. Think about it, you‟re standing in the voting booth looking at 100 names or so, after

recognizing maybe five or ten names, you vote for any name that sounds vaguely

familiar. Does the amount of money spent determine what is best politically?



It wasn‟t much longer when the thoughts of California seemed to pervade my

consciousness. I wanted out and decided to close up shop. Now I had to figure out a way

to get rid of my inventory. A simple solution would be to post a sign, Going Out of

Business Sale and see what happens. So I removed all my price tags and as people rushed

in, they automatically figured everything was dirt-cheap and I sold all of my stereos for

five or ten dollars less than I originally wanted! I can now understand why many

businesses exist perpetually “going out of business”. In two weeks I had sold most of my

inventory and I went and bought a brand new Volkswagen camper. Boy was I excited.

Like a new lease on life, all I had to do was go and seek whatever was out there,

wherever it was. The anxiety inside me was overwhelming. I started to prepare for my

journey and Daf was ready too! I guess the finishing touch came the night one of the

local policemen paid me a visit. He didn‟t buy a thing, just walked around for ten minutes

or so, and at one point as he was asking a question, I was walking over to him and I

tripped over a slight incline on the floor. I had to keep from breaking out in hysterical

laughter and avoid looking a visiting friend in the eye, as we had just finished our 30-

minute break downstairs.



The dream was over. My greatest moment with that store came the night before I opened

as I just sat in the corner and looked on with pride at what I had been able to accomplish

despite the negativity around me. The place did look good but I was totally unprepared

for running the business. I probably was so engrossed in putting the place together I never

considered what the day-to-day livelihood would be like. If I had worked in someone

else‟s store, I would have had some idea of what to expect. The other concept in the

business that was hard for me to understand was the pricing structure of manufacturers.

When they give you all those price sheets—forget it. Each company has about five

different price sheets and then the salesmen will take shots from the hip offering bonuses,

incentives and further percentage reductions from whatever price sheet he‟s got in front

of you. When I worked in the city for the mail order company, I saw salesmen offer the

moon as far as giving good deals on multiple quantity orders while as a small

independent it was much cheaper for me to buy from a wholesale distributor than to buy

it from the manufacturer who made it. If they decided to sell records at the mail order

company, there would have been a line of salesmen waiting to get in the place but at my

store I couldn‟t get one to return my telephone call.



To sum up my experience thus far would be to etch the following statement in bronze:

The one word that is synonymous with business in this system is BULLSHIT. You can get

on the phone and call a supplier and with a good line you can have everything brought to

your door. You can tell any prospective customer anything to make your sale. You can

tell your bank and creditors anything. It‟s funny—a line for a line. You get a line of credit

for a line of bullshit! Well, if you‟re a young person with the better part of your life ahead

of you, and you believe that somewhere some way, some how that life has more to offer

you than the same old stuff, let‟s face it, no matter what you‟re doing, hopefully you‟re

going to grow out of it and your interests will change. If you continue to do what you‟re

doing, you won‟t know anything much different. So as you continue to put aside hobbies

and interests, your awareness will continue to increase. Since there are unlimited

possibilities that exist within the realm of one‟s future, you can only perpetuate yourself

by shedding those things that you DON‟T like. When you quit doing something, you are

changing your habits to the extent that you will either try something new or spend more

time continuing something you have been doing. It‟s as if you are laying on the floor in

your house and you desire to see the stars outside but you can‟t because your roof is in

the way. You have to get up and walk outside. It would be hard to know what you want if

you don‟t even know the possibilities of what‟s out there. I just knew there had to be a

more organized productive way of living and I aimed to find it.



To sum up my experience in a word would be expensive. In any type of business,

maintaining an inventory requires a lot of capitol to be tied up. Many businesses fail

because of an insufficient cash flow that occurs at an unexpected time. When this

happens, one is faced with the prospect of trying to unload his inventory at any price, and

if he is able to get by in the short-term, his long-term prospects are severely threatened

because he has to reinvest in his inventory. My advice to anyone starting any kind of a

business is to keep monthly expenses at a minimum. Once business picks up it‟s easy to

expand but if you never get off the ground with it, you certainly won‟t be thinking about

expansion. Times have changed in the last ten years and I would strongly recommend

that any prospective dropout in the business community check out all aspects in the

wholesale market. In any sector of the business community, there is someone who

manufactures a product or provides a service and in the consumer community there are

those that require it, and you as the middle man can bring the two together, make your

profit, and not have any money tied up.



As I was preparing for my trip, my thoughts drifted back in time when I first went out to

California. It was the year after I got out of the Army and I had just flunked out of CW

Post College of Long Island University. That school was the most pathetic

establishment—it almost felt righteous to flunk out of there. As a freshman (admitted on

the basis of a G.E.D. in the Army) I was supposed to chant and cheer like all the others,

but I was astonished at what a rip-off everything was. You could only buy your books at

the bookstore on campus, which carries the latest printing. Can you imagine that last

year‟s bullshit isn‟t good enough, they have to reprint it each year and change the cover

so you can‟t buy someone‟s used book. It was a cold wintry afternoon when I witnessed a

small campus riot. The school had raised the tuition from ridiculous to absurd and

everyone was gathered outside the chancellor‟s office wanting an explanation. Instead, he

just came out and got in his chauffered limo and drove slowly through the crowd. This

only infuriated them more and they started rocking the car.



Back in the classroom, as freshmen we were supposed to wear these stupid beanies and

obey upperclassmen. Well, the main reason I ever made it through those years in the

Army was because I put up with other people‟s crap, but here in this rinky-dink school

some draft-dodging nitwit was playing upperclass college boy with me. Can you imagine,

some other guy just back from Viet Nam, he‟s been fighting on blind faith (his

government says it‟s heroic) and he‟s a sitting duck with all kinds of enemy shelling

going on and upon surviving all of that, he returns to his country where most people will

fall to pieces when the Vet does something like fart or pick his nose in public. This guy‟s

been ducking bombs and bullets and in a matter of weeks, could find himself sitting in a

classroom knowing he wasted the last few years of his life and some chickenshit

professor is getting on his case because he isn‟t absorbing the guy‟s lectures like they‟re

the word of God. If you go along with any of this bullshit, you are part of it yourself.

Because that is where everybody‟s head is at—they‟re just going along with it.



The day finally arrived when I was able to pack up the bus and Daf and I were on our

way. As we cleared the metropolitan area and headed towards Niagara Falls, I remember

looking up at the stars and my surprise at how clearly they sparkled in the night. It was

great, a second chance to seek out my fate in California and this time I wasn‟t going to

blow it on school. As I pulled into Niagara Falls, it was pretty late the following day and I

planned to see everything in the morning. However, in the morning all I could really cast

my attention to was all the people and the commercialism. To me the idea of camping out

represented some kind of freedom, yet in these state parks and campgrounds, you aren‟t

even allowed to let your dog run free. It‟s like these parks were designed for the good old

businessman who‟s on his three-week summer vacation and has lots of bucks to spend as

he pulls up in his $30,000 Winnebago for a little of the pioneer spirit. Since I had gotten

Daf, I always believed that if you tied a dog up, all it would concentrate on was getting

free—sort of like the human spirit! If your dog walked around free, then he would be

aware of the eminent dangers, and not just run blind. Well, Buffalo had turned out to be a

short-lived experience and we were soon on our way. As you‟re driving along and

looking for a place to pull off he road or eat or spend the night, you begin to become

aware of all the fences and No Trespassing signs. It makes one think about what freedom

is and which side of the fence it‟s really on!



The first time I made this trip it was Holiday Inns all the way but not this time. The

camper was my new home and I was comfortable and so was Daf. For a little

entertainment along the way, we would stop at a drive-in movie, cook dinner and then get

into bed and watch the movie. Not a care in the world, I even had five more years of

income from my inheritance. As we went down the road, Daf developed a pattern of

behavior: when any kind of truck approached us in the bus, Daf would bark while

standing on the front seat, dive down to the aisle between the front seats and run to the

back, jump on the back seat and bark as the trucker passed by, sticking her head through

the rear vent window. Now I could see most of this happening in my side rear-view

mirror and sometimes the window curtain would wrap around her head like a bonnet.

What a sight! The real danger was passing a motorcycle on the right. Daf was really into

bikes and sometimes you would think she was trying to bite someone‟s head off, but it

was just her way of saying hello. As I went on, there were many good people I would

keep meeting along the way and it seemed like everyone was headed for Aspen.



The year was 1971 and Aspen, Colorado and John Denver were both beginning to

become popular. It felt almost like Woodstock in that people meet each other on the road

and the common topic of conversation was Aspen. It‟s almost as if you had to go because

you heard about it so much, and I decided to check it out. After an enchanting ride up the

mountain, one has to be astonished by the beauty of Aspen with all of those beautiful

Aspen trees waving and fluttering in the wind. It was almost as if the trees were

cheerleaders celebrating your success for coming back to nature. I found myself having to

say that I would return. It was really the only way I could leave.



After about a weeks‟ time, I was driving around Aspen and I spotted a girl with another

Old English Sheepdog. I said “Daf, here‟s something worth stopping for” as my tires

came to a screeching halt. It turned out that she was staying at her brother‟s ranch and

was very familiar with Aspen. We agreed to meet the following day to go horseback

riding. What a beautiful afternoon, riding horses along the creek and over the hills. She

suggested a place where we could build a campfire and guided me to a plateau by way of

a mountain trail. After about 45 minutes we were there—a beautiful level landing

overlooking a tremendous valley with a splendid view of the Rocky Mountains. We built

a real nice campfire, mixed some mescaline with orange juice and had a great time. The

highlight of the evening occurred several hours later when the mescaline was coming on.

There was a very strange animal that we could see through the woods, despite the fact we

weren‟t seeing too well at that point. The animal just stood there on three legs watching

us. Neither of the dogs barked and I slowly carried some food towards him. As I put it

down and walked away from him, he appeared from the brush. Being from New York, I

thought it was a German Shepard but it was really a coyote. That moment felt like

Mother Nature was reaching out and seeing how we‟d respond. The coyote was missing

one of his hind legs and had these huge cataracts in his eyes. He trusted us enough to

come forward and eat. An inner peace came upon all of us and I think it had to do with

mutual trust but it‟s hard to say because we were pretty high.



A few days later while hanging out in town, a guy who looked like a hiker came up and

asked if I wanted to buy a lid. We got in the camper and smoked a number. Not bad. He

opens his knapsack and brings out two lids and asks for $15. We made the deal, I stashed

the pot and I was back outside leaning against my van. Five minutes later another guy

comes along and asks me if I know where he could get a lid. He was in a hurry and I told

him $15 and he said OK, gave me the money and was gone. From nowhere and without

hardly moving, I had a free lid.



Going on a long trip is sort of like growing up. When you start out and things are going

well, you don't know what to expect in the future. You really don‟t know if things will

get better or worse, which affects your decisions about if and when and to move on.

When you‟re young and you‟ve got it good, you really don‟t know if it‟s temporary or if

things will get even better. Experience, or time, is the teacher. I was getting restless and

in order to get away I had to promise myself I‟d return.



Going down the road headed for California, I had nothing to do except reflect back on my

past and I noted the significant differences that have been responsible for what kinds of

changes I was presently going through. The primary shift was definitely in my thinking.

All my life I had always pursued things I thought I should be doing—what others

expected me to do—but now I was doing what I wanted. For the first time I was finding

myself by becoming more of me and less of them. If you find the main reason for your

existence in what you are to others, then you will find yourself as a stranger to you

because you have ignored your own needs, having existed thus far for the purpose of

others.



Meeting people on the road was great. I guess it‟s the freedom that is shared that allows

you to have intimate conversations. I met mostly retired older folks who had a lot of

wisdom to share. When I was in Utah, I met this really nice man who was talking about

shaking hands and he wasn‟t into it. He said he could be just as friendly and helpful

without having to shake on it. I thought about what he had said a long time and it seemed

that he was a man who was tired of the pretence of shaking hands and was more

concerned with communication than outward expressions of physical affection. It was an

interesting conversation that lasted several hours and as we parted, we didn‟t shake

hands!



With my anxiety driving me forward I was like a piece of tin being drawn to a magnet.

We passed through the Bonneville Salt Flats where the fastest cars had made their record

runs. It had just finished raining and there were shallow three to four-inch lakes for miles

around because the salt won‟t absorb the rainfall. After the Salt Flats, I was rushing to get

to California. In 1966 when I was living in Orange County, I used to take at least two

trips per year back to New York. I had once drove my VW bug from Fullerton, California

to Long Island in 51 hours with about two hours‟ sleep. I got a speeding ticket for going

80 MPH in Oklahoma. I never intended to make such a run but once you get going,

sometimes you just don‟t want to stop. So familiar was this trip for me again, and this

time I wasn‟t stopping until I found what I was looking for—which was a better way.

When I arrived in California, I was crossing the mountains just north of San Francisco

and I planned on taking Hwy 101 South to Los Angeles. Daf and I spent a couple of days

camping at Stinson Beach, welcoming the freedom of the beaches. Boy did Daf ever take

to the beach like a duck to water. All you had to do was wave your arms as if you‟re

going to throw something, and off she goes in a big round arc—the classic sheepdog

pattern of movement! There were lots of times when I had to pick her up and carry her

off because she wasn‟t ready to leave.



The main luxury of having your own time is that you can enjoy everything in the here

and now, and if you want to stop along the way you become totally involved. If you‟re on

vacation or on the job where you know you are only passing through and that your

presence is temporary, you just can‟t see the situation as it really is on a day-to-day basis.

The final leg of my journey was the southern route down the Pacific Coast Highway.

Along the way you pass Sam Simeon and high on the hill is this tremendous building

known as Hearst Castle. As I purchased my ticket, Daf had to stay in the van and I took

a bus up the hill. On the way up, you see South African Deer and all this wildlife living

freely, and as you gaze out you feel the expansiveness that Hearst tried to capture when

he built this place. Originally the estate covered ¼ million acres and Hearst as a child

used to camp out on top of the mountain and vowed that one day he would build a castle.

The tour covered about five miles and your attention is in awe of the vastness of the

valley with the Pacific Ocean down below. Then you come around a bend and there it is.

Every kind of flower and tree you could image seemed to be there. Inside, each room was

decorated to the max with historic cultural artefacts from around the world. I could go on

and on describing it and list 100 reasons pro and con about the Palace on the Frontier but

if you want to have your mind expanded without any drug, come to this place. My

immediate thought was that this would be an incredible residence for inventors and artists

who could exchange their time there to serve humanity.



Travelling south again on Pacific Coast highway I reflected back on the experience and I

had been touched. In a matter of hours, my mind had encountered so much input I would

find myself loving and hating the guy intermittently. I guess the building would have

gone on for as long as he lived. It is just incredible how much money he spent and it

makes one think about gold and how the rich seems to thirst for it. Gold is their drug, and

it has a corrupting force on its beholder. If this guy was a humanitarian, he could have

probably helped develop the whole continent of Africa but somewhere along the line he

got caught up in the glitter. All of that fancy stuff seems to take you away from yourself

and others. Rich folks have a way of trying to see themselves in those they admire and

dismiss everyday people as inferiors. I think the immigration laws of this country reflect

such values of the wealthy and in recent years have neglected the original values inherent

in a truly free society. It‟s come down to freedom only for the legislative people and

those who have power and influence to change the laws to suit their needs.



Heading towards LA I decided to call an old friend who lived near the beach in Venice. I

could live anywhere that on-street parking permitted me to. All I had to do was park the

camper and draw the curtains. While on the beach I met a lady with a Sheepdog and we

became friends. She was old enough to be my mother but it seemed like we were both

looking for the same thing. She had kind of a negative attitude towards things and found

herself trapped in a situation with three teenagers living in a dingy atmosphere. For an

immediate remedy, we decided to paint the walls and it seemed to work. Seeing the

change in my friend did something for me too. It was about a week later when I met a

friend of hers who told us about this 14 year-old Indian guru with millions of followers

back home in India. The story was that his father was a famous guru and upon his

unexpected death, his family put out the word that his youngest son was to be Guru

Maharaj Ji, messiah to the world. Apparently the Guru was staying at a friend‟s house in

Beverly Hills and that my friend and I were invited to visit him at the home where he was

staying. Even though he had all of these speaking commitments, we were told that if we

got there early enough, we could see him when he came downstairs in the morning. What

a mind blower! For this to happen to me at this particular time, I was near bliss. Someone

was leading me down a path and I was eternally grateful.



We arrived at the house around four in the morning and were led into the living room

where the stairwell from upstairs was. Talk about being high!! I had only heard of this

young person in the past few weeks and this whole thing was new to me. There were 15

to 20 of us sitting cramped on the floor, cross-legged with great expectations. After an

hour or so somebody came in the house with a bunch of newspapers and took them

upstairs. There were lots of flowers all over and people were eating rose petals, bowing

down, kissing…it was really something. Finally he came downstairs and sat down in

front of all of us, amidst the flowers. I just sat there and stared him in the eye. For a 14

year-old he had a chubby face with lots of baby fat cheeks and I sat there waiting for

something to happen. We waited and waited and all he did was sit there. One of the

members of the family came into the room and told him it was almost time to go. Then

he said his first and only thing, something to the effect that life was like a movie or

motion picture, it goes by frame by frame, and that was it. All of a sudden he got up and

we all went to the doorway to watch him leave. His followers that were there started

asking, “Do you have knowledge?” and if you said no you were instructed to go to some

kind of seminar, attend classes and become one of Maharaj Ji‟s followers. The people

who were asking seemed like a bunch of blissed-out burnouts, worshipping the ground,

chair and flowers that the guru had touched. I was disappointed to say the least and when

asked, I looked some guy in the eye and said “Yea I have knowledge” thinking that I

knew enough that I didn‟t need to sit on the floor looking at some bewildered kid. When I

got outside and talked to my friend, I was surprised to find out that she had bought the

whole program and that she was going to receive knowledge that afternoon. What really

surprised me was some of the family seemed to have their stuff together, even more than

the boy, but they were praising him! Well, if I was wrong I would certainly learn from

my friend who was going for it hook, line and sinker. The whole experience, mainly my

thoughts before I met the Guru, was very uplifting and I knew then than I had a lot to

learn but following this dude was like window shopping. In a way, I could see that I was

originally swept up like everyone else. Then I found myself feeling sorry for the young

guy because everyone was telling him he was the one and they put him on a pedestal.



But the whole experience left me with a clear picture of how religion operates in this

country. Anyone with any kind of personal experience with a religious person becomes

initially exposed in a situation whereby that person believes anything they hear or see

until they know better. Maybe TV evangelists are popular because that is the only contact

many people have with religion and they just don‟t know any better as they send in their

checks, hoping to find themselves in the grace of God. When you walk into a room, your

attention or awareness will only pick up a few objects in that room in the first minute, but

if you spend one hour in there you will know the contents more thoroughly. If you

decided to spend a day or a week in there, not only would you know everything in the

room, but you could probably spend some time learning the architectural structure too.

The same goes for religion. The more time you spend learning about it, them more you

will get out of it. Upon closer examination, one finds that religious values are really a part

of daily living. If you turn on your TV Sunday morning and the man comes on breathing

fire about God’s going to get you if you don’t listen to him and next thing you‟re sending

him a check hoping to feed and enlighten your soul—that is self-delusion.



In the following years I spent the majority of my time reading books on metaphysics. My

goal was to find and understand whatever it was that would relieve my anxiety and leave

me with peace of mind. I had come in contact with the Krishna Consciousness Devotees

through a friend relative and I made a sincere effort to understand what they were all

about. I visited the Ashram in Brooklyn several times and I spent many hours taking part

in their discussions. I could probably say 100 things pro and con but for me it was too

much Hare Krishna, which reflected a separatist situation in a world that I believe we

should be drawn together as one. As I began reading books by a man known as U.S.

Anderson, I developed such a thirst for more that is seemed to change my anxiety into

desire. What the author was getting at was just the thing that I was looking for. I had

travelled many thousands of miles, spent many thousands of dollars in search of the one

thing that would end my anxiety. What I was looking for was my true self that was

lodged somewhere between my ears and contained in my mind.



To begin, there is so much in the mind that it‟s like finding a room in your own home that

you were never aware of and when opening the door you see a scattered mess with

everything in disarrangement. If your desire is to understand and learn, you must put

things in order. The most immediate change I was able to bring about was through

positive thinking. There are two sides to everything and to each side or point of view

there is a positive or negative side. Since negativity results in nothingness and as the

word implies, darkness, it should be discarded from one‟s point of view. As one observes

himself, he will become aware that everything he does is by habit. We operate like

computers but instead of programming, we form habits. We are even in the habit of

reacting to new things mechanically. One can view a habit as positive or negative so right

away you have to get rid of the bad habits. It‟s like peeling away the skins of an onion to

get to the inner core. As you drop your bad habits you are slowly peeling away at your

personality to get to your true self. At the same time you will note that your mind

operates at both levels, positive or negative depending on how you program it. When you

have a negative thought you can tell yourself that you are identifying it as a negative

thought and you no longer desire to have that thought. The most important consideration

you will develop is that your inner core, your true self is and has to be your best friend.

No one can be at peace with anything until he is at peace with his inner self.



With my new discovery of my true inner self I was curious as to what it as and where did

it come from. I came upon a word that said it all: consciousness. Consciousness is

something that is always with us wherever we are and is best expressed by the statement,

I am. The very point of existence in each one of us is the sense of a voice deep within that

expresses I am. You can say “I am” anything—hungry, smart, young, etc, but there is

always I am. The I am is at the root of our core and the very source of all our energy. As

the sun contracts all life in our universe by radiating its energy, the sense of I am is the

source for all life within ourselves. The best example of I am would be represented by a

radio signal. There are many radio stations which could represent different areas of

interest but none of them would be of any value to you if you didn't have a radio

transmitter (your mind) and energy to receive the signals (I Am consciousness).



Since this consciousness is the sole I am interpreter and benefactor that gives us life,

when we no longer that the presence of I am, it can be said that we are dead. But let‟s see

what has really happened. I am consciousness is energy that dwells within a physical

body. When we are sleeping our minds may be very active elsewhere in dreams while our

body lies peacefully resting. Can it be said that our minds and the I am consciousness

temporarily dwell in our bodies? To take this one step further, you are not your body—

you are your mind which is indestructible because it is not physical. At this point we have

to bring in the concept of the spiritual, which encompasses the great masses of I Ams.

Anything that exists beyond the realm of physical is spiritual. Just as a large body of

water is comprised of individual droplets, a spiritual body is comprised of a collection of

I Ams. If we were to isolate one drop of water, we could understand the chemical makeup

of that one particular drop but as part of a whole we could not define its limits or

boundaries. Could it be that each one of us is a part of a whole on a spiritual level and it

would be impossible for one part of something to comprehend the whole it is a part of?

In other words, could one part of a finger understand that it is attached to a hand attached

to an arm attached to a body, controlled by a mind? No, its total preoccupation would be

with what it is as one in an assembly plant has one function and the sum total of all

workers performs his part and is unable to produce the whole by himself. If you‟re still

with me, each I Am is a part of a whole which means we are all of the same spirit and

while we appear to be different by size, skin color, sex, etc we are one in spirit. It is as if

we are one huge puzzle with many different parts which all exist to complete one picture.

If there is one single point I want to emphasize it is this: the human race is comprised of

many different members but all are connected spiritually and when one acknowledges his

spiritual unity, he sees himself in all others and learns to relate to that person‟s mind

instead of their body.

Growing up in this world exposes us to many different varieties of cultures and

nationalities. Seeing yourself in others focuses your attention on their minds and you will

hardly notice any physical differences. It is these differences among us that should be the

central theme in bringing us all together. As I was growing up, I was limited to learning

values and ways from my immediate families and close friends but no provision was

made to understand or become aware of people of foreign lands and cultures. The first

exposure I had was from a college Sociology course. This is probably the reason for all

wars, which are fought among strangers. A country‟s leadership tells its young sons to

hate and defend in the name of patriotism. It is that belief that one‟s country, religion,

family, etc is better than another that creates all the separatism. A religious leader who

proclaims there is one way or preaches fear to those who don‟t conform is teaching

separatism. Maybe that is the only way they can raise the bucks in order to perpetuate the

broadcasting of its ministry. When you support such a situation you‟re adding fuel to the

fire. The only faith that I have ever come in contact with that respects all individual

religions and believes in the oneness of mankind is the Bahai faith. Can you believe that

the Bahais are being executed in Iran at this time under the leadership of the Ayatollah

Khoumeini?



In 1968 Martin Luther King, Jr was called upon by his Creator to leave a very troubled

world behind, but upon his death his message was proclaimed all over the world, peace

and change through non-violence. Never have I seen such a courageous man, armed only

with his soul, penetrate the walls of prejudice, leading freedom marches and always

advocating for social change through non-violence. It was not until his assassination did I

become aware of King‟s tremendous influence on the world and myself. He seemed to

define something within me that I couldn‟t previously understand. When I was around

14, I was riding the bus to school and a boy sitting behind me was really getting

obnoxious, and even though he was smaller than me, insisted on having a fight once we

got to school. Right away I was on top of him and I had him pinned down with my knees

with my right arm free. I raised my fist to bring it down on his face but the strength was

gone from my arm. I could not throw a punch! All I could do was bring it down to bump

his lip. I thought about it for years and it wasn‟t until Martin Luther King Jr‟s message

that my embarrassment turned to pride. Pacifism was always within me, I just had the

wrong interpretation of myself. It took another man to bring me to terms with myself.



Here in America, the term redneck is used to define someone who generally sees and

believes only in his own values and is ready to physically fight or kill to preserve his

values on the rest of the world. If one is physically stronger than his opponent, he is

demonstrating weakness by taking up the act of violence. On the other hand, the other

man who is physically weaker is showing courage and strength while confronting his

brother by trying to communicate his message instead of being a bully. The more I

thought about pacifism, the more appealing it became to me. Ideas are not communicated

and absolutely no good ever comes out of physical violence. Man has the negative

abilities within him but he must realize that it only exists to accentuate the positive. Life

is a total learning experience which becomes much easier to deal with through

understanding as I was finding out.

There have been many people who have had experiences whereby they have returned

from what they consider “near death” and report visions of peacefulness and tranquility.

Many of these people believe they were experiencing the passing of death but for one

reason or another returned to this life. If this is true, this will substantiate my belief that

we are all part of a spirit that dwells within our consciousness, which being non-physical

can never be destroyed. Upon death of the body, our consciousness becomes totally

devoid or free of preoccupations of food, shelter, clothing—all the needs of the body.

Can you imagine an existence whereby you don‟t have to worry about maintaining a

home, taking care of your car, buying food and clothing, and having to take care of the

living needs of others? What if, in this existence, your only concern would be to

understand love and truth, and this existence would be forever? I had come into contact

with a book called The Book of James by S. Smith, which maintains that the author is a

medium and the spirit of William James is communicating through her and he says he is

experiencing just that. In thinking it over, if one sees himself as an indwelling spirit

within a body and sees all other life as the same spirit in different manifestations, and

recognizes the importance of cooperation instead of competition while reacting to innate

feelings of love and oneness, then maybe that person will come to understand that guns

and killing are contradictory with any logical, rational purpose our Creator has intended

for us. To this end, anyone who kills is also killing himself and soldiers who are

following orders are letting their bodies be used as weapons.



If one applies common sense to understanding a purpose for our life situation that we all

find ourselves in, perhaps we should prepare for our immortality by placing our

awareness and values in non-physical attributes beginning with caring for life around us.

The number one killer in our society today is stress because of the pressures and demands

placed on our bodies and internal organs. One of the heaviest burdens each of us must

face is protection from uncontrollable persons who want to inflict physical violence on us

and to fight fire with fire we must resort to the animal kingdom. Yet the most consistent

and stable friend you will ever have will be your dog when you learn to look him in the

eye and see part of yourself in there.



I had spent the whole summer travelling throughout California and the novelty of

travelling was wearing off. Each night was getting colder and with the prospect of winter

coming on, I decided to go back to New York with my newly acquired knowledge.

Certainly I could turn my friends onto what I had learned and with great enthusiasm I

headed east. As I approached the major cities, the pace of everything picked up in to a

near frenzy as other drivers rushed to and fro, getting on your tail and expecting you to

rush along with them. Once you have removed yourself and stepped back to see where

your head is at, you will note there are many things that a busy society is and you are not.

In other words, to exist in modern day society people adopt impersonal values to relate to

each other to avoid any personal contact. It‟s more important which toothpaste or

mouthwash you use than what you ever did for yourself or anyone else. I guess what I am

trying to say is that in many situations it would require a very small amount of effort for

one person to accomplish making life more livable for others in more disadvantaged

areas. For instance, there are many Long Island, Westchester County, Beverly Hills

housewives who don‟t have to do more than push several buttons on their telephones and

can spend a million or two on food and first aid equipment for people on the other side of

the world. With a little initiative, one could hire a person to go to a disadvantaged country

and supervise a complete agricultural program with adequate irrigation to ensure

continual farming and food supply. Why couldn‟t we make such a venture a fashionable

thing-to-do society project???



Somewhere in New Jersey, I called my friend John in NYC to tell him I would be at his

place within a matter of hours. Daf and I were pretty tired but the thought of being with

friends gave us the spark to finish the trip. It was around 11:00 at night as we pulled up

outside of his apartment. Ringing the buzzer, we rushed out of the cold night and went up

to his apartment. It was so relaxing to be off the road, out of the elements, and so stoned!

After two hours or so we decided to go out for some pizza and as we walked across the

street I noticed the door to my van was open. Sure enough, I had been ripped off!

Cleaned out, ruthlessly the stereo was ripped out, about 70 tapes, clothes money, savings

bonds and everything else. Instantaneously, my consciousness had been automatically

lowered. Welcome back to the city!



Having no place else to go for the winter, I decided I wanted to live in Greenwich

Village. It was a great find—a beautiful apartment overlooking Abington Square with

glass windows along all the outer walls. Always desiring the best of everything, a

monthly rental of $327 in 1972 for an unemployed soul searcher seemed to make as

much sense as Richard Nixon was President, so I figured if he could pull it off so could I.

John helped me all day long moving in and I set up the mirrored glass ball with the

spotlight that I had kept from the store.



It was great, a large two-room apartment for Daf and me, now all I had to do was get a

job. I had a friend who worked in the employment agency that had originally got me a job

at S & H Greenstamps. When I saw him the following day he agreed to hire me on a

commission basis and the following day I started working. What a switch from my

expectations but at least I had a great place to live. My new job was to pick a bunch of

employment applications and call around to various companies trying to market these

fellows. It was just like trying to sell a used car over the phone to someone who can‟t

stand salesmen and wasn‟t looking for anybody else anyway. With my newly formed

awareness, I had hoped to accomplish some positive goals and bugging people wasn‟t

what I had in mind. After three days I quit and was back among the ranks of the

unemployed. A friend called me and asked if I could get her a stereo and instead of

making money off of her, she took me out to dinner and that was great! Then she turned

me on to a bunch of genuine Orange Barrel LSD and all kinds of downers, mostly

bootleg Secconals. The LSD was a four-way hit and you would stay very high for 12

hours or so. With the lights and the music, I was definitely enjoying myself and meeting

some great people.



I got it together for another job interview with a company that sold photocopiers and

materials downtown on Wall Street. Once again, this job also paid on a commission basis

but the man hiring me agreed to let me spend the day with their top salesman. Great! The

following morning I reported to work and met this real shazzy dude who was number one

in sales. He made several calls where he clearly bugged the people he met and before you

knew it, it was time for coffee. He and his buddies all assembled together and had a

discussion about how they were going to pool together all of their sample supplies to sell

under the table to one of their clients. After the extended coffee break, they got all the

photographic paper together and I waited out in the hall while he did the deal. I asked him

why he did that and he explained that was the only way he could get by. That afternoon I

told the boss thanks but no thanks and went home to the bottle of downers. With the

pressure off, I could kick back and I was up to three Secconals a day but in the back of

my head I knew I had to do something if I wanted to live there and pay the rent. After

several more interviews that didn‟t turn out so well, I thought I had reached the perfect

solution. I had an interview scheduled for a furniture buyer for a big department store and

by accident I had taken a downer without realizing I had the appointment. On the way

over there I noted how relaxed I was and how good I felt. The lady who was interviewing

me was very straight-laced and her attitude so serious it was like it was happening to

someone else and I was the audience. I couldn‟t conceal myself any longer as I laughed

aloud and then I laughed even more at the shocked expression on her face. On my way

home I came to the realization that downers weren‟t doing my life any good. There had

been many occasions when I was with some friends and before I knew it, it was two in

the morning and everyone had gone home as I was waking up on the floor or couch.



The days seemed to fly by and it didn‟t look like I was going to come up with the rent.

However, during the last few nights I was hearing a bunch of strange noises and I had a

pretty good idea what it was. There was a small hole in the big bag of dog food I kept

under the kitchen sink and apparently my little visitor would crawl along the water pipes

and take as much food as he could. It got to the point where you could hear him walking

along the pipes late at night. When you‟re paying as much rent as I was, that wasn‟t

expected. These apartments were built close to the warehouses where they butchered

meat and the word around was that there were rats in the building. Not mice, but rats! Not

knowing what I was up against, I decided to get a big rattrap the next morning. To test the

trap that was about a foot in length, I dropped a ballpoint pen on it and the trap shattered

it all around the room! That night I set it just before going to bed and in the morning I

rushed into the kitchen to see what happened. Sure enough, there was a giant rat which I

immediately measured (what else do you do with it?) to be 13 inches from head to tail.

Naturally I went around and showed everybody in the building, but I knew who I really

wanted to see. I put the rat in a plain brown bag and I went to see the rip-off owner of the

building. When I got there he was gone and there were two elderly ladies who were

probably secretaries. I told them to relay the message from me that I refused to pay my

rent until my apartment was guaranteed to be free of rats and not only that, the place was

so cold you had to sit around with a coat on. One of the ladies snapped “There aren‟t any

rats!” and as she was finishing that line I reached in the bag and pulled Junior out by the

end of his tail and dropped him on the floor in front of her. One lady screamed “Get it out

of here!” and the other picked up the phone and threatened to call the police if I didn‟t

pick it up. Knowing that I had made my point, I went over and picked up the rat, put it in

the garbage can by her desk and walked out.

Rats or no rats I received my eviction notice about a week later and like everything else,

it was a rip-off but since I didn‟t have a lawyer and it wasn‟t worth fighting and hassling,

I just moved out. I have to admit that the downers had gotten the best of me and by

moving I was able to leave that whole scene behind. I was moving all my stuff to my

mother‟s home and once again I could concentrate on my reading and not worry about

having to earn money except to buy the books I wanted to read.



One day while walking through Grand Central Station, I saw a booth which had a

computer that figured out your astrological forecast based on the time, date and place of

your birth. I had never given this much thought but as I was shedding away all kinds of

distractions and responsibilities to find myself, all of a sudden astrology became

important to me. I was born on January 17, 1945 at 7:11 a.m. in New York City and

according to various astrological texts, I learned my sun sign was Capricorn, my rising

sign was Capricorn and at the time of my birth the moon was in Pisces. Without going

into too much detail, this meant I was extremely involved in business, was a self-starter,

and I was very intuitive and looked toward mysticism. When I thought about all of this, it

was really me. For some unexplainable reason business was a way of life for me and now

it all seemed to start making sense. The very fact that I was pursuing my spiritual needs

in a psychic or metaphysical manner was explained by my moon being in Pisces. As

being business-minded is to being Capricorn, intuition is a trait of Pisces and my

particular combination was really who I was. As I read more and more about astrology, it

was evident there was a great difference of opinion as to what most things meant, but one

could not deny basic similarities in many instances of comparisons of people born under

similar circumstances at the same time. I believe that heredity is carried out astrologically

meaning that the genes are in tune with the vibrations of the universe, but that

environmental factors play an equal importance in that you are harmonizing with others

and can adjust to living within society.



I started getting into understanding thoughts, which led me to the aspect of mind reading.

If you believe in one universal mind of which everyone is a part, then in a sense you

share this mind with them along with your thoughts, both positive and negative. In the

past I had been through some heavy LSD experiences and instead of experiencing a bad

trip, I was always able to reject negative thoughts by telling myself I didn‟t desire to have

that particular thought or if it persisted I would imagine everything in my mind‟s eye to

be completely, solidly bright white light. Metaphysically speaking, pure white light is

pure energy of which there is nothing better or stronger (symbolized by the sun). When

you can sit back, close your eyes and imagine pure white light in your mind, nothing can

penetrate this state of bliss. When things got really bad thought-wise during acid trips, I

would mentally shoot myself through the sun several times and that would do it. I was

learning that the mind took on two separate existences depending on the level of thought.

When I was concerned about Ray, my mind represented a temporary living being who

knew he was going to be around for one lifetime; however, when I could relax and feel

the presence of energy and love towards everything that was created for goodness I could

feel love through others as they were experiencing it themselves. To me this was proof

that we were all connected psychically. The trouble always starts when man acts on his

own with disregard for his brothers and nature; he is acting on his own and destined for

failure. I believed that as the sun was the source of all energy and to the degree one could

understand that, he could attach himself to it and use it best for his positive purposes. In

dealing with any phase of magic or mysticism that involves another person, one only has

to ask himself would he desire the same for the other to wish upon him and the answer

will determine the whiteness or darkness of the matter.



I was beginning to get into the Hermetic Philosophy which is inherent in the Tarot cards

of which there are many designs and variations. Each particular card has a specific

meaning or intensity and as the cards are laid out in their basic positions and each

position has a meaning relating to personality. The first card chosen characterizes

personality of the person whose cards are being read. The Tarot cards are believed to be

5000 years old and were used in Medieval Europe when scholars of different countries

got together to communicate by overcoming language barriers. The most accurate Tarot

card readings come through the reader‟s intuitive faculties based on his knowledge of the

meanings and symbolism. Tarot cards teach that there is a duality in all things and one‟s

life should be in harmony within the extremes. The only exception is the duality of

positive and negative actions towards humanity. Negative actions of man exist as a

learning experience to contrast with and understand the goodness provided by our Creator

in a perfectly conceived universe of order and harmony. Another significant aspect of the

Tarot is the micro- and macrocosm of all things. Any large organism is comprised of

similar smaller components and the makeup of the whole is innate in each component. To

me it was best represented with the analogy that a part of our Creator is within each of us

as the verse We are made in his image goes. The image is consciousness as the Tarot

teaches that things must be imagined in thought before they are manifested in the

physical. Because of the personal nature of one‟s inner search for identity, I strongly

recommend that one keep himself in a state of neutrality as far as being an independent

and not place yourself under anybody‟s domination. This will ensure against being

caught up in a Hitler or Jim Jones type trip where the oppressed become united around

one who gains their trust by repeating the words and actions of others, and the separation

they sought met with ultimate defeat. When one is constantly questioning and tries to

understand the opposite point of view, he will not be mislead by believing that he is on

the right side. After considering opposing points of view, he should move to seek

harmony in a non-violent and peaceful course of action.



I was able to spend the winter months at home but it wasn‟t long before I was back in the

van again and headed for California. I wasn‟t sure about what I wanted to do but the

thought of the wide-open beaches lured me back across the country. Nothing was

happening for me in New York and I was finding out I couldn‟t be left alone to pursue

my interests. When Daf and I arrived on the coast that‟s where we headed. There‟s

something about seeing a sheepdog with her long hair in the breeze, running in large arcs

down to the water‟s edge and dodging the waters as they broke on the shore.



We went to visit some old friends and I met a real estate salesman who said he could get

me a house for nothing down using my G.I. Bill!! The whole thing was turning out to be

a dream come true. The idea of having my own home was like being on your own island!

Since there was a buyers market and I had my choice, I must have looked at 50 houses

and I finally decided on a three-bedroom house in the San Fernando Valley. I had to wait

about three weeks for it to go through escrow. Now that I was getting this place, I had to

find a way to support it and that meant it was time to get a job! For the first time in

several years I went and got a haircut. The next day I was hired as an Accounts

Receivable Analyst for a local manufacturer of televisions and stereos. Can you believe I

had been looking for work on and off for two years, and all I had to do was get a haircut!



I was hired by the firm‟s vice president to resolve five million dollars worth of

receivables they had on their books. I was to report to him in the chain of command.

Being a self starter I was given a desk, a pile of papers including a copy of the report that

I was to prepare weekly, and a stack of computer printout paper with the totals way out of

balance. It was part of my job to go through the company‟s records and then contact the

various parties involved and resolve whatever discrepancies in order to get it off the

books. In the majority of situations, the salesmen involved promised the buyers anything

and everything in order to make the sale and earn their commissions. While going

through the company‟s records and talking to a lot of old-timers, I was able to learn a

little history. It seemed that this American manufacturing company was at one time a

leader in its field in the manufacture of radios, console televisions and stereos but in

recent years had fallen to foreign competition that was produced from much cheaper

labor.



As I was beginning to see from my own experience, the company was dominated on the

employees‟ side by a few headhunters and the surviving workforce lived and breathed

with fear. With sales dwindling as more and more foreign competition entered the

market, management put the company up for sale. Then they made a deal with several

warehousemen to set up new companies and shipped them hundreds of thousands of

dollars worth of inventory, which got the accounts receivables looking good on the books

to potential buyers. As a result I was looking at all the receivables that were years past

due. Most of my work in that particular area seemed fruitless and there was no chance of

receiving funds from most of the accounts. As I was coming to this realization, my boss

announced that he was leaving the company and within a short time was gone. This left

me out in the middle of nowhere and my daily obligations were correcting the computer

runs and preparing weekly status reports for the home office of the parent company.

Word was getting around that the company was folding but the management seemed to

let everything go and I wound up quitting after nine months‟ time.



About two months before I quit I met Linda, who was a secretary there. Within a short

while she moved into my house and continued to work at the company after I left. After

having another rancid taste of corporate bologna, I returned to pursuing my readings of

the Tarot cards, metaphysics and mysticism. The more I read about and studied the Tarot,

the more aware I became of what I didn‟t know. I was becoming increasingly reliant on

the cards and was very preoccupied about the future. Before doing anything, I would

always consult the cards but when it became apparent to me that I was using them as a

crutch, I decided to quit. Along about the same time, I was watching one of those Sunday

morning TV religious programs and I heard him quote something Jesus had said. Wow,

it blew my mind that this great leader sounded like a metaphysical magician with a

cosmic consciousness. With my Jewish upbringing I had never heard him quoted before,

and I certainly had not run across anything in my independent studies. It was really

something, a guy would come on and quote Jesus (who was always saying, the father

dwells within and that where I am you may be also) and then proceed to do just the

opposite of what Jesus was saying by telling the listening audience to follow and

understand someone else‟s interpretations! They put Jesus on a pedestal as God instead of

seeing him as a refection of his Creator—made in his image through consciousness. If the

TV evangelists were to preach love and understanding through the soul and its expression

through feelings, as a people we would be much better. Everybody would see themselves

in each other rather than the existing philosophy that a few dollars and picking the right

religion or minister will ensure you a place in heaven and eternal bliss.



For the first time in my life I could really understand and relate to Jesus as a result of his

words and everything started coming together. Jesus, born a Jew, grew up listening to his

own conscience instead of the traditions of Jewish religion. He went around telling

people about the truth and light within themselves—that the divinity they sought in life

was present through their own consciousness if they would not look to material things to

find themselves. As Jesus travelled around he met many people whose heads were

definitely not in the same place as his was and as he referred to I am not as himself, but

as the higher consciousness within him, what he was continually saying was that the

same was true for everyone. However, when the headhunters of the day heard him, they

judged him from where their heads were at and felt deeply threatened. Can you imagine a

man living his whole life helping and healing his brothers and sisters and his only

“crime” was that he was much more aware of his existence…so they crucified him? This

is the ever-present healing power Jesus left us with his passing: if you think you have hurt

and problems, think of this man who lived his whole life for the benefit of others and all

the pain he must have felt for mankind as he was strapped up on the cross. When you

examine your own problems and hurts, don‟t they seem lessened in relation to the amount

of suffering Jesus endured? Since all things are relative, healing is accomplished through

a more comprehensive understanding of consciousness and the nature of one‟s existence.

When someone is trying to comfort a friend he should direct him to understanding the life

of Jesus and the tragedy he encountered. In modern days it‟s seen in the life of Martin

Luther King, Jr—a man who suffered countless indignities but because his consciousness

was in such a place, he could forgive his brothers for persecuting him.



While growing up I had a traditional Jewish upbringing which included Sunday school,

Bar Mitzvah and celebration of the major holidays. About the only thing I can remember

about Sunday school is their asking me not to come back, but I sure can remember those

holidays. Each holiday kicks off with a dinner and traditional ceremony that involves

reading from prayer books as our ancestors did five thousand years ago. At one point in

the ceremony, the youngest son is called upon to ask four questions concerning the

ceremony, which is all fine except you have to read them in Hebrew! Since I was the

youngest son, my father would direct me to start reading and upon my immediate failure

to do so correctly, he‟d kick me out of the house. This proceeded to happen the last three

years of his life and it was really starting to build a complex in my head. If he was so

damn hung up on the Hebrew language he could have taught me himself! I guess he

figured he was doing alright because he was making good money.



I always believed in God but nothing really seemed to make much sense about my

religion. In the name of religion, I experienced some of the most traumatic episodes of

my life. I was kicked out of Sunday school, kicked out of my own house and persecuted

by my peers—and even by my friends behind my back. After all this my only desire in

school was to try and understand why my world was coming down on me because of a

label I had. To compensate for all of the prejudice, the Jews tend to flock together, which

is understandable on their part. However, it tends to create a division with an us and them

attitude. My head was so busy with all of the social interaction going on that schoolwork

was hardly a consideration for much of my thought. Who really cared about who

discovered what, about what formulas to use in math when on the bus somebody calls

you a Kike and everybody laughs! When school would let out in June, I had a job at a

country club that discriminated against Jews. I would caddy in the morning and when I

came in I would work in the locker room, cleaning and shining golf shoes. Not only was I

talking their bullshit, I was scraping it off their shoes. The locker room boy‟s name was

Ray also and people would hand me some tips and say “this is for Ray” and I would keep

it! Because they were giving me the minimum wage, I wasn‟t allowed to be tipped for the

work I did.



Ever since those early days I have tried to understand what religion and minorities were

all about. Most things in life are taken for granted until they are lost or in jeopardy. You

cannot really know yourself if you are continually around others like yourself. When you

find yourself within a minority and you feel discrimination, your attention becomes

focused on yourself and you begin to notice differences and uniqueness. You don't want

to be like those who are oppressing you. So in a way, finding yourself in a minority

enables you to see yourself more clearly. What I was beginning to understand was that

animals and the woods were the only two things that let me be myself. As my life

progressed, I was learning that different people were bringing out different qualities

within myself. I could see all people intermingled either in a positive or negative way.

Upon meeting someone, they will usually react in the same manner as you treat them, and

if they are indifferent or unmoved, then that is also a reaction so whether positive or

negative, we are all affected by each other. The golden rule of the Jewish religion, do

unto others as you would have done to you is exactly the same as seeing yourself in

others and acting accordingly. When Jesus said the father dwells within and that where I

am you may be also, he was experiencing or witnessing an event of intelligence and

creativity, which becomes transcendental as awareness and growth proceed.



If one believes in life after death, what do you have to work with if you shed our body?

Perhaps all you will have is the I am of your existence which learns through feelings of

love and compassion rather than the present way of pain that exists with a body. As a

drop of water becomes part of a whole when added to another body of water, maybe we

will all be untied spiritually in much the same way. If one applies this same rationale

while living within the body, then he is able to experience overwhelming feelings of

oneness within his environment and all forms of life around him. I understand this to be

experiencing a heaven on earth existence. Even a tree can show us so much about

ourselves. The root structure determines its longevity and strength to cope with the

elements of nature and in reality symbolizes that part of man which is unseen. But it is

responsible for everything in him that is observable.



I once saw a movie called Johnny Got his Gun in which a young civil war soldier is

wounded so badly that the only part of his body that seemed to function was his heart.

The movie took place in one room and there was a voiceover inflection to signify

Johnny‟s thoughts. The movie was about the outer world learning that Johnny‟s mind was

still functioning normally and it isn‟t until nearly the end that somebody finally notices

that he his moving his head up and down on the pillow in Morse code, enabling him to

communicate with the outer world. Even though we really aren‟t our bodies, handicapped

people often have to prove their capabilities to an undiscerning outer world.



In this world of fantasy and make-believe, there can only be one thing to pursue and that

is truth. When acknowledged, the truth reflects one‟s own experience in a perspective

whereby reflection on past events will help you understand your life and its particular

meaning. Care must be taken when understanding your particular truth as it may not be

the same for others. For example, a group of people are sitting in a circle and an object is

placed in the middle and each person is asked to draw exactly what he sees. They are all

viewing the same object at the same time but none of their drawings will be the same

because they are all at different angles to the central object. Another example would be to

give ten people of different ages the same Bible and ask them to explain what any

particular verse or chapter means. Each person will relate his own personal interpretation

in defining each word, based on his age and individual experiences.



To the many who are looking for the person as a mate, I say stop looking elsewhere and

look at yourself. When you come to terms with yourself, you will find a security that

won‟t ever leave you like a divorced mate. It‟s like the wealthy people seeking good

feelings through their material goods; a person looking for a mate to make him feel good

has very little to offer the relationship and is destined for heartache and

misunderstanding. All of these emotional experiences that end in pain are meant to center

one‟s awareness on himself in that he must become his own best friend. Becoming your

own best friend is brought about by being proud of who you are and what you want to do

(self respect). Recognizing your own sensitivities in terms of feelings enables you to

enjoy those things that you are truly interested in. The important point I want to make is

to learn the difference between thoughts and feelings. It‟s almost the same difference as

relating to someone‟s mind instead of their body. Depending on where your head‟s at,

your thoughts come racing to you, often changing course in midstream and quite often it

comes from those around you. About the only constant process you can know about your

thoughts is that they occur in a habitual way and a conscious effort must be applied to

change them. This brings about the most important ability that we can do to improve our

mental process, and this is concentration. Concentration is the ability to calm the mind

from the many outside thoughts and focus one‟s awareness towards a particular project.

To the extent you can develop a sensitivity through this awareness is directly proportional

to the amount of success you will have. Sensitivity to the task will heighten one‟s

awareness towards anything as it is only a matter of common sense that the more you

look into something, the more you will get out of it.



When you start to examine the truth in your life you will find the root that leads to your

core. You will be in touch with your core when you can relax, quiet your mind from all

thoughts and seek the calm inner peace and stillness that remains. This is the goal sought

in meditation and is your connection with the universe. For out of that stillness comes a

voice that emanates a presence of I am. When you consecrate your life to your Creator,

you‟re allowing this presence to enter your consciousness. Only when you quiet your

mind and realize that you were created for a particular purpose can your higher mind

(consciousness) pervade your being.



The key to staying in a higher state of consciousness is to practice and feel a new

sensitivity towards all people and things. It‟s like you are the person or object, and you

are treating yourself exactly as you want to be treated. A whole new world of feelings

will begin to transform your being as you start to share feelings with all life around you.

As you walk through the woods and realize that you are related to everything in nature

it‟s a feeling of going home and certainly a kind of rebirth of the soul. This inner feeling

is so strong and rewarding. When you think of all the world‟s wealth tied up in material

goods by people who are trying to attain the same feelings but are going about it in the

wrong way, it seems absurd. Our instinct feels a need to take care and love life in its

many forms, sort of a celebration of life and as you watch things start flowing to you, you

want to pass them on where they are needed.

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