Learn Japanese

Everyday Slang from "What's Up?" to "F*%# Off!" DIRTY JAPANESE DIRTY &JAPANESE BUBR!::lOI=l!::l SLl=lnG PRom "WHI=lT'S UP?" TO "P*%# OPP!" ....·Matt Fargo Illustrated by Lindsay Mack Vlysses Press ....-;: ~ Text Copyright © 2007 Matt Fargo. Design and co ncept © 2007 Ulysses Press. Illustrations © 2007 Undsay Mack . All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or POrtions thereof in any form whatsoever, except for use by a reviewer in connection with a review. Published by: Ulysses Press P.O. Box 3440 Berkeley, CA 94703 www.ulyssespress.com ISBN10: 1-56975-565-5 ISBN 13: 978-1-56975-565-5 Ubrary of Congress Control Number: 2006903813 Printed in Canada by Transcontinental Printing 1098 76 5 432 1 Acqu isitions Editor: Nick Denton-Brown Managing Editor: Claire Chun Japanese Editor: Seigo Nakao Editor: Richard Harris Proofreader : Mark Rhynsburger Editorial Associates: Elyce Petker, Laurel Shane Interior Design and Layout: what!design @ w hatweb.com Cover Design: Double R Design Front Cover Photog raphy: ©Clipart.com Back Cover Illustration : Undsay Mack Distributed by Publishers Group West '9 /:A~ /tW±I::tflf*9 Soli Tansman Gloria ~/;(x/~±I::~(1*9 Soli Tansman Gloria TABLE OF CONTENTS Using This Book (1) Howdy Japanese (2) Friendly Japanese (3) Party Japanese [4] Body Japanese [5] Horny Japanese [6] Angry Japanese [7] Poppy Japanese [8] Sporty Japanese [9] Hungry Japanese 1 5 21 3B 57 73 91 103 120 130 150 About the Author ..... Acknowlegments I'd like to thank Professor Alan Tansman for being as generous as he is wise, Charlie Emrich, Matthew Su idan , Tami Downes and Brooke Ray Sm it h for putting up wi th ridicu lou s questions ab out human anato my , Alic e for t eac hing m e t o love again , Nakayama Risa for advice about anime and manga, Seigo Nakao for his sagacious vetting , Oooka Hironori for being absurdly handsome, Ito Gabin for blowing my mind , Zach Ander son and Aaron Cavin for their cylindrical beards, all the people at Ulysses Press for tolerating my dirty mouth , and of co urse Kameko for her ineffable shell. I love you all. USING THIS BOOK I wrote this book assuming that you already know at least enough Japanese to get by. Maybe you've spent enough time in Japan to get the hang of the basics. Or maybe you nerded out on so much anime that you acquired the entire Gundam vocabulary through osmosis. Or listened to those "Learn Japanese in 24 Hours" CDs until you can order blowfish sashimi without batting an eyelid. Whatever, this book is designed to expand your Japanese past the edge of conventional learning methods. One th ing about the Japanese language, which you'll find me repeating all through this book-it's very, very cont extual. What you say depends on who you are speaking to, and this book is meant t o be used in the company of friends. So be warned that if you say any of the words and phrases in Dirt y Japanese t o someone ol der than yo u , or t o a stranger o f any age, yo u ca n expect them to look at you as if you'd jus t peed in their kitchen sink. But when you're among friends or fellow debauchers, let's face it-"Konnichiwa, yoroshiku onegai shimasu" is going to make you stand out like... well... a foreigner. So Dirty Japanese is all about the up-to-date slang ish words, super-casual phrases, sexy sayings, and innuendos 1. that you aren't going to find anywhere else, (And yes, there's some just plain rude, deficky stuff too , Fuck it - readers with delicate sensibilities can skip over those pages and still get plenty of benefit from the rest of the book.) Each word or phrase in English is followed by its Japanese equivalent, first as it's written in Japanese c haracters and then spelled out in the Roman alphabet. A lot of people ({{{A~Fl[]iN~ JRPRN~B~)))) If you haven't tackled the challenge of learning to read Japanese yet. it's not as hardas it looks like it shou ld be. Japanese writinguses three (or maybe four) different setsof characters. HIRAGANA , full of loops and curves, is an "al pha be t" made up of 46 characters representing every sound in the Japanese language-a. i, U , e. 0, ka. ki, ku, ke, kc, sa,shi, SU, se,so, ta. chi, tsu ... and so on. It is usua lly used for writing basic Japanese words. The following words are written in hiragana: S?T ~!vl£!vt::.!v ossu ampontan isoqinchaku What's up! dorkface sea anemone (I-t";r!v!>",< KATAKA NA , a simple, angular "alphabet," also has 46 characters. Ea ch one corresponds to a hiragana character, though there can be subtle differen ces in pronunciation that you don't really need to worry about. It is usual ly used for writing borrowed foreign words (like "computer" ], foreign names, company na mes, and newly coined Japanese words [like "karaoke" ]. Here are some examples of katekana. bataqura Viagra Tom Cruise ramen I-- h. . ? ) [,- :A tomu kuruzu ramen 2 OirD~ Japanese who speak pretty decent Ja panese ca n' t read a word of it - and you don't really need to, Well, not unless you hope to find your way around Tokyo on your own . You can still get eve -::>"9 B *~! .•••• Hello konnichiwa ;:: Iv I:: "51j: Japanese slang isn't really used with strangers, so there aren' t a lot of meet-and-greet- type slang words. If you're being introduced to somebo dy for t he ve ry first t ime, you gotta suck it up and settle for a good old- fashioned konnichiwa . But when you're rolling with friends, "hello" will come off a little stiff, so try slinging one of the following slang variations on konnichiwa: Hi koncha :=/v-t;,,,,, Howdy chiwassu -t;,P"?9 HOWO!::::l .Japanese 5 Howdy-ho konchassu .:::1v!>"1'> ?9 Howdy-do nchan Iv!> "I'> ? ·...·What's Up? ossu S?9 A slangier way of saying "hello" would be ossu . Like its English counterpart "what's up," ossu has an infinite number of variations. Ossu was originally an incredibly formal word , the kind of thing that a soldier would say to a drill sergeant like: "SIR YES SIRI" But in a slang context, ossu comes across as a silly way to say "hi." Here's how two friends might greet each other, for example: Whatlupl (greeting) ossu E ?9! 'Sup. (response) ussu ??9. or Whazzapl (greeting) uissu ?"? 9ussussu ! Whazzaaaaaaap!!! (response) ??9?9 ! 6 Dn::;~ oaeenese ·...·Good morning I Good evening ohayo / kombanwa E ltJ::? . ~1v 1;!Iv(t There are also info rmal variations on "good morning" and "good evening": Good morning, Sunshine! ohha dO? I;J:: G 'morn ing! ohayon dO I;J: J: - Iv Evenin ' konbancha .:: Iv l;t Iv !> \'> •••.• Long time no see ohisashiburi E V. ~ l.N5~ t) As in English, the next part of a greeting usually involves inquiring about the other person's well-being. Long time no see! ohisa dO(} ~! How's it hanging? choshi doyo? ~T C? J: ? It's hanging. bochibochi denna l;f!> l;f!> <.' Iv ts• HOWO~ \Japanese 7 How you been? ogenko? ;to 1 Iv;: ? :1' Same as always, man. ai kawarazu dayo ffi 1l£-1J .:, 9' t: J:.. And just as fat as always. ai kawa razu debu dashi ffi1l£ -1J':' 9'7/t:: L,. And you're just as retarded as always. omae wa ai kawarazu ahadashi Yo, guys! ;to ilIJ 1 ;t1l£-1J .:, 9'7 *t:: L,. J:. -;toillJ':' ! yo omaera Hey. ya '? - ! It's been a while. hisa bisa dana ~ I> t::t,J.. What's the word? saikin doyo? ftili C? J:. ? Same old bullshit. dornokorno neyo C? t>;: ? t>~ - J:. . 8 Oirt~ oacaneee ·····Goodbye sayonara ~ J: ? tJ:':' When it comes to parting phrases, there are also any number of variations on the traditional sayOnara , Suh-bye bainara I;! L1t :'; J Seeya hon ja ne (;i!v G 'I" Later tJ mata ne ll':t.:tJSmell you late r (tough guy way of saying "bye") aba yo iI'J I;! J: ·····Hey! oil E~ \ ! In British English, "oi" is a slightly impoiite word used to get people's attention , In Japanese, 0; is a slightly impolite word used to get people's attent ion . Go figure . Other attention grabbers: Look! hera (;i':; ! Hey, kid... na kimi ts , :B. HOWO!:::l .Japanese 9 Come here a sec. chotto oide !> J; ? C 4:3 l l "{'. I want to have a word w ith you. haneshl ga arundakedo ~1 i~.Q!vt l t C• ':: ..... Myself jibun 13 71 One of the great things about Japanese is the variety of personal pronouns you can assume. The main three ways to say "I" are: I (femininelpolrte) watashi f1 I' m Nancy! watashi wa nanshi desu f1l;l:7 / ~ - "{' - 1"" . I (boyish) boku ~ I'm studying as hard as I can to get into college! boku wa issho kemmei juken benkyo 0 yatte rnasu iil! 1 ;l: - ~ l t !vl1J l 1~ ~ ~ l5l ~\!' ? '"( * - 1"" I (manly) ore • iii! I totally look like Mel Gibson, don't 1 7 ore tte meru gibu s ni mtene on iiI! ? '"( , ;( ) ~ 4!:1 ~/ I : jJ: X t.1 ;t ? ) 10 on:~!::::1 oacanese Of course, there are also numerous slang ways to say 01," most of which are variations on the aforementioned pronouns. Kids use all of these with different levels of irony, but nobody just sticks to one pronoun. Especially girls - they can use male pronouns w ithout any innuendo, though a dude's use of a female pronoun will probably be construed as super gay. I (male, redneck) ora E€> I don't know how to use them microwaves. ora denshi renji no tsukaikata nanka wakanne E €> , l;H· S;O)~( l:fjtJ:lvtJ't>tJ'Iv-lJ - v;.... o I (male, dopey) oira E ( I €> I went to New York, but I didn't see no big apples. oira nyuycku ni ittakedo 6kina ringo nanka minakatta ze E( I€> , NYI:.fi -:>f :I:U::, . tJ' JU,J. tr-» t: 1f, I (female, slightly Valley Girl) atashi *~t ') J: ;.... :Jt,J.1v .1; t: L. Oh my god, I have no idea what I did all day! uwa atashi kyo ichinichi nani yatteita ka waka nnai no ts (10) atai 5 t>, .1;1::1.", ! ~B -B foJ ~ ?"( ( l t.: tJ't> tJ'lv I (female, rich gil1) .1; t.: (I I always take taxis because I can't stand trains. atai densha wa iya dakara itsumo takushi 0 tsukatte iru noyo .1; t.: ( I, l;!l!I;il.1lt'=tJ'€> lI':J 'b~? :/ -~~?"( ( I.QO)J: , H OWO !::::l ..Japa nese 11 I (male, geezer) asshi d; ?L, You krow, I used to be quoe tre ladies' man, back " tre day. ass hi wa mukashi kanari no ira atoka datta ze d; ? L,1;l: i}. lJ,tJ:t)(i') ~ ~ t ;::? t 1f. .: ·····Sorry gomen nasai ;::If.J Iv t,J. ~ ~ \ Ap ologizing is a really just a matter of sin cerity. If you truly regret your act ions, just say so in a straightforw ard and honest ma nne r. But if yo u j ust d on' t g ive a fuck, try apolog izing wi th one of the following variations o n gomennasai: Sorry, Charlie gomenchai .=- ~Iv -;'" ~ \ Ex·squeeze me gomenkusai '=- ~ Iv< ~~\ Whoopsy-daisy mengomengo ~Iv'=-~ Iv '=- ·····Excuse me sumimasen "tJ;.a::ttlv "Excuse me" is one of those multipurpose words that can be a greeting, a good -bye, or an apology for farting. The same goes for Japanese - you can use these slang variations of "excuse me" in a variety of situations. J.2 O ir'b~ oacanese Pardon suima sen ""tl 'a':ttlv Well pardon me for living! ikitete suimasen !t ~ L L""t~ ' 'Scuse me suman a': ttlv ! ""ta':1v 'Scuse my shitty Japanese. nihongo ga hetaku s de suman o 8 *~ 1Jl " t.: <-t" l'""t a': Iv . $Orr¥ • suma so A X') $Orr¥ I'm late. osoku natte sumaso ~ j. -)Id,,, -c t:; J; 0 * t: Do .. . na ·..ts. ts, Go do your best-we're all rooting for you. oen shiterukara gambatte kina L, -c.Q 1.1' €> . ntlvl;h 't: ~ Itli J. 4 D irc~ oaoanese Do clean up- I've got friends coming over. tomodachi ga kuru kara s6ji shina :&:i! tJl *.Q tJ>G, Iiilll* L, ts, I hope you... .. .kureya · · · G~ "?-C < G I;I: ( I . HOW08 Japanese 15 ({{((iNTR(J[]UmNG Y(JURBQL~))})) !1l c~fI' JIKO SHOKAI My name's Kenneth. ore wa kenesu ue iunda itl;j:'Tt-A ? I'm from Canada. -n ' ? Ivt:." kanada kare kiteru iJ T:SftJ' '" *.-C {, I only have three months to live. mochi wa ate sankaqetsu shika nainda 'l;1;j:lr; 3 '7 Fl t- tJ' t ~ ' lvt;'.. J: And I'm still a virgin. meda chert dashi *1::'1- I I) - t;'. t- . +++++ My name's Rebecca. atashi wa rebekka desu S too t-I;j: v'"' '/ iJ r -r. I'm from England. igirisu jin desu l' '" I) AA l'T. I'm here looking for adven tu re. bcken 0 motome koko ni vatte kita III ~ "'*d.J;: t: I::"'? l ~ tOO. No man can handle me. atasbl 0 atsu kaeru otoko nanka ina! Sf::. t- H!.l;t {, ~ tJ: lvtJ' L1t : L' . J 16 DirCl::l .Japanese ••••• Let's be friends yoroshiku o neg ai shi m asu J: ~ ~ *') b til €> ts LI O)"{' J;:':; L, <• In other words, yoroshiku is an all-purpose phrase that you can use whenever you need to implore somebody's altruism, There are also numerous slang versions of the word : Take good care of my luggage, now. nimotsu yoroshiko f,j~!JJ J;: ':; L, .:: ! That would be awesome jf you could hook me up with a cute guy! kondo kawar atoka no ko sh6kai shite. shikoyoro ~ tI, b LI Ll!1l 0) 'T-ftl fi' V c. L, J;:':; ! m: < HOWO~ .Japanese .17 I'm gonna drop by tomorrow, so... (don 't ass out on me) ashita wa asobl ni iku node yoropiko aJl BI;j: iQ1 I::1 (J) <: J:. :5 z; • 1' v: < v: ....•Nice to meet you hajimemashite (;t: G ~ * l/ "(" Not to sound like a broken record, but in Japan you don 't use slang with someone you don't know. Wh ich means that when you are asking somebod y how old they are, where they grew up, or whether they prefer Diet or regular Dr. Pepper, you probably need to use polite speech. Here are some basic no n-slang icebreakers to use with new acquaintances. Nice to meet you. hajimemashite I;j: G<9'J il':l., ""(• What's your name? anamae nante iundesuka i3~ j\ij1oJ ""( L\ ? Iv <:"9/)\ ? Have we met before? dokka de atta koto arimasenka ~?~<: . ? ~;:'~~V*~Iv~ ? Do you haVB a light? raita arimasuka 7 -1 ~ -~ ') *"9/)\? Do you have the time? jikan waka rimasuka IIi¥ t» t) "91;\ ? r.,;b * Thanks. I just wanted to record the exact time I first met you. arigat6. anata ni hajimete atta jika n 0 seikaku ni kiroku shite okitakattandesu ~Uffi~? ~~~I::m<9'J""(. ?~IIi¥Me~ ~ I::aca L. ""(S ~ t::. 1;\ ? t::.1v <:"9. 18 Dirtil;:l oaesnese Do you come here often? yoku kokoni kurundesuka J:: <;:;: I::: J;JH>lv -c'"91.1' ? t5:1f< L- tt Iv t» ? Do you want to get a drink? ocha shimasenka How old are you? oikutsu desuka t5~\< ? -c' "9 tJ' ? No waaaay! You don't look a day older than twenty! * usse. hatachl nimo mieani noni ? J ~ a ··· ! 2 0 ~ I::: 'bJLV,H 10) 1 ::: ! How old do you think t look? watashi wa ikutsu ni miemasuka ~kl;j: ~ \ ? I'm new to Japan. watashl wa nihon ni kita bakka ri nandesu ~kl;j: B ;$; 1::: ~H: I ;f J t» t) f,J. 1v -c'"9. I want to make some Japanese friends. nihonjin no tomodachi 0 tsukuritain desu B;$;.A. 0) B: t':!> 'H 'I' I) 1:: ~ \ Iv -c'"9• What do you like to do on your days off? kyujitsu wa itsumo nani shire imasuka 1* B I;j:~ \ ? 'bfiiJ Vel \ * "9tJ>? Teach me some fun words. nanika omoshiroi kotoba 0 oshiete kudasai fiiJtJ>, t5'bL..?~\ = ~Z ~~"'«t':~~\ . I'm enjoying hanging out with you, issho ni asondete tanoshi desu -~ 1 iQ11v -c' ",( ~ L.. ~ \ -c'"9. ::: H DWO!:::l tJapanese 19 .••.. Pictures shash in ~Jt Let's take a picture. issho ni shashin tore - iil l;: ~ :R !iI ? ? • You know Japanese folks love their picture s. But when you take a photo , don 't ask your models to say "cheese"- ask them what one plus one is, because the Japanese word for "two" (ml pulls the old cheeks up like a good face-lift: What's one plus one? lchi tasu ichi wa 1 t.::'9 1 I;I: ? Two! ni I;:" ..· ! 20 Oiro~ .Japanese CH~PT6R 2 FRIENDLY .JAPANESE NAKA YOSHI NIHONGO i~aL,B*~ ••••• Friends nakama ilfl ra' Japan is often seen as a rigid society, where social pressures deny people their full range of exp ression . This is not true. What is acceptable to say depends on wh o's around . When you're with friend s, you can say some of the stupidest shit possible and be loved and forg iven . But even with friends there are different levels of intimacy, as in the following: Total stranger aka no tanin #(1)ft!!A pr ienD L~ !Japanese 21. Hey - Japanese folks don't just go up and talk to total strangers like that. anone nihonjin wa s6yane aka no tanin ni koe 0 kaketari shinai no iY.> 0) t.1, B:<$:AI1 -t- ? "\'> ? iiF 0) ft!! A I::: jE ~ tJ' Itt.: L) L,tJ: ~ 10) . -r Acquaintance shiriai ~L) "8i~1 I first got interested in Japan because I had lots of Japanese acquaintances. nihon ni kyomi 0 mona nowa nihonjin no shiriai 9a 6katta ka ra da B:<$: 1:::!J!I!~ ~ fib t.:0) 11 , B :<$: A O) ~ L)"8i~ I tJl ~ t» ? t: t» 0> t:3.. Classmate dokyusei 1iiJ~~ Do you hang out with your classmates much? d6kyO sei to wa yoku asondeiru no 1iiJ~~ C11 J: iJb.fv -c' ~ I.Q 0) ? < Coworker doryo IiiJIf;! Do you get along with your coworkers? doryo to wa naka yoku shiteru IiiJIf;! C111'" & < L, -r .Q ? Have you ever dated a coworker? doryo to tsu kiatta keto aru IiiJIf;! C ft ~ "8i ? iY.> .Q ? t: .:::: c BUddy-buddy naka yoshi 1 & L, '" 22 Dirti~ ,Japane se You know, we really get along well. uchira tte kekk6 nakayoshi da ne ? !> G? -c It? ~ ? {'" 1l1..-t=t.1. . So lid guy i yatsu L'L' -V 'Y He's really a solid g uy, aitsu wa hont6 ni i yatsu da 6? L' :J1~* 31 : L' L'-V'Yt.=. Sweet gin lko L' L''r She's really a sweet girl. kanojo wa hont6 n1i ko de ne ~ 't< I ~ *31: L 'L ''rL' t.1. Friend tomodachi s»: !> Seriously, man, you are such a good friend, omae wa hont6 ni i tomodachi da Sjjijl~ *31: L'L ' 'J£.t.=!>t.=. Text friend ~it ",ally: "thumb-buddy1 oyatorno ::t-vl-i:: I've got more text friends than real friends. jissai no tomodach i yori oyatomo no h6 ga 6i ~ ~O) 'J£. t.= !> J: ~) ::t -V I- i:: O) n lJj ~ L ' . Text friend (another word for...) merutomo )l )t, I-i:: ~::nenoU:::l .:Japanese 2.3 Best friend shin'yO *JIB: My best friend is Japanese. shin'yu wa nihonjin da *JIB: 1 B * At 1 ':. (((((((((liP B~flVi~~)}))))})) GSEJI t:3t!!J¥ Meeting new people is fu n, but let 's be honest : yo u don't wa nt t o know about their mas ter 's t hesis and the y don't want to know about you r bottle cap collectio n. So let's do our best to keep conversation to insincere compliments with the following phrases: That's a cute skirt you're wearing. sono sukatc kawat ne. f:(/) A tJ - 1- . tJ,p LIl \tJ.. Y look kind of like a Japanese Brad Pitt. ou anata wa burapi no nihonjin ban da ~tJ:t;:I;t::t:; t'(/) B* ),,1:&1::. Y would be super popular in America. ou arnerika ja zertai mo teru yo ne 7;;J. I) tJ G "' ~~ 'E T .Q tJ.. Damn girl, you've got some great fashion sense! mecha oshare da, kirni liD ;; '" ;B ;/!j ~t':. ;E: I I just know I've seen your face in the movies before. zettai ni elqa de mita koto aru wa, kono kao ~~I :~iim- r Jl.t;:;: C ~ .QP . ;:(/) I!1i. I neverreally understood the appeal of Japanese men until l saw you. nihon no oto ko no hito no miryoku 9a wakaranakatta. aneta ni au madewa B *(/)!Il(/))..(/)I\!:lJtJfptJ' ';t.;:tJ' -:> 1::. £'? *-rl;t. ~t';:l:: I: 24 Oirt:;,!: : l .Japane se Tight bros/girls from way back osana najimi 'JJJ t,J. G.7). We are tight from way back. koit su to wa osana najimi da ;:: , ' ::J Crush c I;j: 'JJJ t,J. G.7). t.: . sukina hito Iff ~ ts»: '. I think he's got a new crush. attsu wa sukina hito qa dekita mita l iY.> , ' ::J 1 ;j:1ff ~ t,J.)...!JI-r; ~ t::..7).t::. ' Boyfriend kareshi ~~ Your boyfriend seems like a really nice guy. kimi no kareshi wa yasashis6 dane ;g (7) ~ ~I;j:~ L, ~? t.:t.l.. Man (boyfriend) danna 5!'/ T My man doesn't like meeting my friends. danna 9aatas no tomodachi nl aitagaranainda hi 5!'/T !J1iY.> t::. L,(7) $:t': !> I :: ~, ,t::.!J1 Gt,J.l 'Iv r : Girlfriend kanojo ~ 3I: I had a feeling your girlfriend was genna be hot. omae no kanojo tte yappari bijin dane SM(7) ~ 3I: :> L, ~:> Ii ') ~)"'t':t.l. . J::::n enOL8 cacanese 25 My girl yome 3j. I'll introduce you to my girl sometime, but she's not much to look at. yome wa kondo sh6kai surukedoamari kawaiku naindayo 3 j. 1 ;t ~m' t:ll fl- 9 .Q It C, t) tJ)b~ \ tJ: ~ \ Ivt;!'J:. . * < Fuck buddy sefure "t7v You krow, a lu ck buddy is the greatest thing a person can have . yo no naka de manama arigatai sonzai wa yappari sefure dana t!! 0) 9" <.'11 't t) tJlt::. ~ \ i'ftEIH' ? Ii t;!.tJ: • t) "t 7 V ..... Titles ketsho /iD(#J; Thanks to Karate J(jd, everybody knows that adding "san" to Daniel's name makes him "Mister Daniel." But d id you know that there are a bunch of other titles you can add to people's names-and not just respectful ones either, but slang ones to use with your friend s? SENSEI ' " $I: !t Generally used for teachers, or someone who has otherwise been a beacon of knowledge in one's life. SAN ... ~ Iv Pretty much the equivalent of "Mister, " it maintains professional distance. 26 Oirb~ oacan ese SAMA ' " ·Sir/ Madam : Only for highly polite situations, or when ~ * you're being ironic. KUN . . . 'f' 1v An affectionate ending for a friend 's name. usually a male friend who is the sameage or younger than you. CHAN ' " More affectionate and cuter that "kun," and therefore often used with girls. but with boys as well. when they are being cute. CHIN ' '' !> Iv This is a slangier version of Mchan." TAN '" t: Iv And even slangier version of "chan." PON " ' /£ Iv A silly ending for a friend's name. kind of dorky and fun. ••.•. Family kazoku ~~ Family is what it's all about - especially in Japan, where the fami ly un it still retains a subtle semblance of cohesiveness. Wh en speaking about or to your ow n fami ly. it's norm al to use slang tit les like "my o id lady" or "the geezer" - b ut be sure to use respectful names like "fa ther" and "m other" when speaking about other people's families. Father otosan E ~~1v pr ienOU::I .Japanese 27 What does your father do for a living? otosan wa donna shigoto shite irundesuka ;E ~ ~ Iv I;j: Iv fU I L" \:f;, Iv c ts. -n -r: 1"1:1' 0 Dad papa I ~/ ~ My dad 's been married three times. papa wa sankai ma kekkon shite iru 1 ~ / ~ 1 ;j: = 1El t> jij: ~ L" n \:f;, o Old man, geezer oyaji u'x: ? My o id man was a lush , uchi no oyaji wa aruchu dana -;(7) *J! ~I;j: 7 JL,t.: J tz, oyaj i gyagu *J!~~"t'~ a "geeze r pun ." In Japan, bad puns are referred to as "geezer puns," as the chief cu lprits are usually old men . Mother okasan ;E S~1v Do you look more like your father or your mother? ot6san to okasan no dotchi ni nite irundesuka ;E~ ~ Iv C ;ES~ 1v(7) C J -; I: jl..lTi \ :f;,1v(,'1" 1:1' 7 Mo m mama ? ? 1 miss my mom's cooking. uchi no mama no teryorl 9a natsukashikute ? 28 -;(7) ? xl7) ¥W~1:I1~1:I' L" t.:. ': < Japanese folks don't do the whole "Yo momma" shtick, but I've seen elementary kids throw out the follow ing zinger in fits of passion : Your momma's bellybutton is an outie! omae no kacnan debeso daa ~ i\ij (7) III 1; ~ Iv T '" ',I t.: 4) ..... Characters kyara =\=-"\77 Personally, I like to judge people by how much money they have. But there are ac tually seve ral other ways to classify our fellow human be ings, including the color of their skin and how tall they are. Here are so me d ifferent w ays to describe people: Spoiled brat obotchama ~I;(::> 1; ~ * * That dude is a spoiled brat. aitsu wa obotchama dakara na ;j;; L :J 1 \ ;l:;E /;( ::> 1; ~ t': 1)' G ts, Daddy's little prince ss ojo ;Eli That girl is Daddy's little princess. anoka wa oj6 dakara na ;J;;(7)'T-I;l: ;Eli t.: 1)' Gts, p r ienOLl;;l ,Ja~a n e se 29 Rich ka nemochi ~fi¥!; You must be rich! anta kanemochi daro "J;1v tz: ~ffl!; t'=: -3 Poor bimbo }i z It's impossible to be poor and live in Tokyo. tokyo wa bimbo na ningen ja yatte ikenai **1;J::}i z tJ: A r., G "'"\b "::J -n ;m'J' ' It tJ: l ' . Gau dy hade Americans like gaudy stuff. ameri kajin wa hade na mono ga suki dane 7 :1- 1).tJ A I;J::;m'J'tJ: vO)tJl ~~ t.=:P. Plain jirn i ±t!J~ I like to dress really plain. ikanimo jimi na yo fuku ga suki da l 'tJ' I: Genius tensai v ±t!J ~ tJ: ;!Ui tJl~ ~ t'=: . ;i(::{ You're a goddamn geniUS! omae wa ten sai da sM I;J::;i(::{ r: 30 Oiro!:::l ..Japanese Airhead ten'nen ~m You are such an airhead. omae wa maji de ten'nen da t5MI;t" s;""(' ~ m t . :: The word ten'nen ( ~ ~I really just means "natural," but it's often used as an abbreviation for ten'nen boke (~f,!i*'7) or "natural-born idiot." Jock sup6tsuman AoF - '/ ,,'./ I was a total jock in high school, koko jidai wa cho supotsurnan dananda .m .ftl ;t m A oF - '/ " './ ~? ~ ~ ~ . Pretlyboy ikemen -{'7";;' './ She hangs out with lots of pretlyboys, kanojo no tomodachi ni wa ikemen ga 6i iJii 9:(1)a t::"tS 1 :1;t-{ '7" ;;. './ 1Jf ~ ~ \. Nerd otaku ;of ::9 ? Now I'm just a regular old nerd . ima wa goku ippantekina otaku nanda ~ l ;t;::: - ~ il"J t J:;of::9? t ~ t:: . J: < Friendly hito atari i A ;1l t.:: L ) ~\~\ She's a really fri endly gal. anoko hito atarl i yone ~(1) T , A;1l t.:: L) ~ \ ~ \ J: tl.. prienDL.~ ,Japanese 31 Antisocial tsukiai warui ii~ ~l I ~l I He's kind of antisocial. aitsu wa chotto tsukiai warui yo dill I::J/;J:!> J;? c ii ~ ~ l I~ l l .t. Party anim al asobinin ,JllllA All of my friends are party animals. tomodachi wa minna asobi'nin nanda ;H:!.!> 1 ;J:O/j.1v ts iaHi A tJ: Iv t:!.. putaro / - ;;!;: Jl~ Slacker I graduated three years ago but I'm still a jobless slacker. sannen mae ni sotsugy6 shitakedomada putar6 shiteru 3 l'!'i\Ij I::$~ L., t.:lt C ;I': 1 -;;!;:JlJll... -c{,. :!./ loser dame ningen 5' ;0( A rB ' What are you doing with a loser like him? aitsu no yona dame ningen to tsukiane do sunno dill 1::J (J).t ? tJ: 5' ;o( ArB' c::J~ dil? -c c ? '9 Iv (J)? Responsible adult shakaijin 1±4M All my friends have turned into responsible adults. tomodachi wa minna shakaijin nl natehimana yo ;l< t:!. !> 1 ;J: O/j. lv t tl~ A I:: tJ: ? !> J: * ? t.:.t . The word shakaijin ( tl ~ A ) means a full·fledged member of society-in other words, someone with a full-time job . .32 Oirti~ .Japanese Compare this to jobless slackers known as putar6 (:1- "'!Il). Businessman riman I) _ ",? / M dad is just a regular old businessman. y oyaji wa futsu ni riman yatteru ¥l!5i:I;J:'/fi!I:: ') - "'? / ~ ? -C~ , Office lady oeru OL I'm just a regular old office lady. atashi wa futsOno 6eru nano "JiJ ~ 1;J:'/fi!O)OLfJ: 0) , t: ..... Everyday people ippan pi -lNi::In America you have your stoners, preppies, hipsters, band geeks, joc ks, goth s, visigoths, rednecks, punks, co mputer nerds, ravers, art kids, and those student government types who end up banging yo ur wife later on in life . Likewise, Japan has its own set of stock characters that you will learn to recognize. So take this book and a pair of binoculars and see if you can identify the following Japanese archetypes: c PUTARa OR FURITA ~ - *ft~ OR 7 I) - ?'- A putaro or furita is a Japanese Generation X'er. These are kids in their twent ies who have graduated from college but, reluctant to become a cog in the corporate machinery, take part-time jobs at the local 7-Eleven and spend their paychecks on clothes and cell phone pr;e nOL~ uapanese 33 accessories. Furlta are treated as a big social problem , on a p ar w it h dru g s and vio lenc e, but rea lly t hey 're just your ave rage colle ge grads w ith noth ing better to do than piss off M om by drinking milk straigh t o ut of the carton . They check their e- mail like fifty times an hour and are really into the Food Network. c GYARU This is one of the more notorious Japanese archetypes. Girts with overwrought tans, blond hair, brig ht fluorescent clothing. and white glitter makeup around their eyes. There are d ifferent levels of gyaru, the most violen t manifestation of which is the yamamba . whose tan is so dark and wh ose eye makeup is so garishly whi te that under the black light of a dance club she appears to be a pair of disembodied raccoon eyes . As a foreigner, you may be inclined to make fun of gyaru. and Japanese people often act ashamed of them. but they are actually more fun to party with than just about anybody. Think at t hem as Japanese Jersey girls! They dance. drink. and know how to get dirty - so hang up your hang-ups and go hrt up Shibuya for a good. peroxidetinted time. Gyaru banz8Jl .:¥ l' J'" c BURIKKO );~ U ::> T- A ditz. Literally , burikko mean "a girl wh o pretends." Like her American counterpart, abunkko isn't ac tually ditzy, per se - she just pretends to be becau se her dad molested her as a kid and she assumed feigned ignorance as a primitive defense mech ani sm . And she thi nk s d udes act ually like Pari s Hilt on . She's act ually really sh arp , and says so me funny shit when you get her dru nk enough - but then w hen you sta rt to get intimate and ask her for her numbe r she' ll suddenly c lam up and say: "You mean , like, my social security number?r c YANKI 1"' / :f. - A bastard ization of the word "yankee, " yanki refer s to the male ve rsion of gyaru . Like gyaru, th ey tend to ha ve 34 D irt:i~ .Japanese long blond hair and obsessive tans. and are likewise undereducated . Don't hate on them for looking a little froufrou, though - these guys are the blue-collar workers of Japan, building Tokyo's skyscrapers by day and sniffing paint thinner by night. They are also tons more fun to rap with than your average salaryrnan, and can hold their own in a fight if it comes down to it. Same story as gyaru. basically, without a vagina. c OTAKU ;t '9 ? Oraku is a word that, like b ukkake. has insinuated rtself into the English language. These are the g uys w ho spe nd all night in their apart ment wrth the lights out. playing World of Warcraft and jerking off to science fiction anima. This is not a judgmental description: in myopinion these folks deserve our awe and our reverence. They have the balls to do what your egoand pride will never allow you to do- sink into the mire of self· indulgence, without any regard for what society might say. So next time an otaku walks by you on his way to the video arcade, stop for a moment. take off your hat. and hum the intra to Final Fantasy, in the slightly wavering key of hesitant admiration. c HIKKI t 'Y :j:- Hikki are a relatively new phenomenon in Japan. A part icularty acute manifestation of the (urira generation, a hikki is like a violent amalgam of otaku and apathy. Hikki stay in their rooms all day. so afraid of societal pressure that their lethargy actually becomes an active commitment on a par wi th a full-time job. The word hikki can also refer to Japanese pop singer Utada Hikaru. but in this case it is short for hikikomori. which means "to hole up." prienOL!::::1 oacenese .35 c AKIBAKEI 7 =f / \ A-Boy These anima fanatics are essentia lly oteku, but encompass a slightlylarger and more colorful demographic. AI·;jba refers to Akihabara, the electronics/anima mecca of Tokyo (and the world at large). So basically akiba kei means the kind of people that hang out in Akihabara . This includes folks who like to dress up as their favorite anima characters (cosplay). computer enthusiasts. hard -core garners, and the just plain socially awkward. Sometimes referred to as "A- Boys" -a pun on the temn B-Boys. c *" BIB OI t: - IF --{ B-boy This is a jigger. Not like when Ja y-Z says "Jigga that Nigga" or when your grandpa asks you to fetch him "a jigger 01 gin" - no, this is the Japanese version of a "wigger": a Japanese boy who th inks that every day is Halloween and his only costume is an Eminem outfit. You can find groups of jiggers break-dancinq to Jamiroquai in subw ay stations th roughout Japan. Not as lame as their Cauca sian co unterpart s but still pretty rid icu lous, bib6i wear KangoI hats and Timberline boots but would probably turn tail at the very sight of a Paki dude. much less a real black guy. Flash them a gang sign and then get all tripped out when they actually flash a gang sign back. c RIMAN I) -"'? / sa lary ma n Th is is p erha p s th e mos t pe rvas ive dem ographi c in Tokyo -the ubiq uito us , exp ressio nless businessma n , The w eird thing abo ut t hese dudes is that you can get drunk w ith them and see them emerge from their elabo rate cocoons of ma nnerism , spread their powdery w ing s and ascend unto the sky, laug hing and singing and shilling on th eir bosses and w ives and the whole sham of modern life-only to glance at their watches and say, "Oh shit, I'm gonna miss the last train," 36 Dlrt:;!:::l oaoanase c OERU OL OL stands for "offic e lad y." Th is is basically the adult manifestation of the Japanese schoolgirl-now that she has gra duated from college, she is wo rking in an office until she gets knocked up. O n weeke nds she goes to Disneyland with her boyfriend and throws a fit when his eyes are closed in the twenty-dollar Splash Mountain photo. She is lousy in bed. c BABA 1\1 \ 7 Middle-aged ladies. Soccer moms. in the United States, the demographic of middle-aged women either have this erotic Desperate Housewives appeal to them, or else they serve as an antidote to the boner you seem to get in class every day at 2:00 p.m. In Japan, middle-aged ladies gravitate toward the latter, with all the spite and zealotry of evangelism thrown in. Rememberthat one friend you had in high school, whose mom hated you because she scmehow knev-; that you were getting her son high? Remember how she called all your other friend s' mom s and got them to hate you, too? Yeah, well picture that, but riding a motor scooter at 50 mph through Japanese suburbia. Not to be tucked with. p rienDU:~ iJ8P8 n e Se 37 C H ~PT6R 8 PARTY JAPANESE WAIWAI NIHONGO t>~ \t>~ \ B*~ •••.• Let's party asobo iQ1/;J: ? If you think about it. partying has a lot to do with slang. When you loosen your tie after a hard day's work. you have the opportunity to loosen up your tongue as well. That's why the best places to hear and speak Japanese slang are clubs and drinking establishments. c ARE YOU UP FOR .•. . . .ittoku "" ':;l c< ? . . .some karaoke? karaoke. . . :IJ 7 ;;f'T '" 38 · . .another drink? rno ippai. .. '05 l\? rt l \ ' " · ..staying out all night? oru. . . ;;t -llr ' · . .another rail? ra in, rna ippon... 7 1'/. '05 - * '" c ('MON , LET' S' " shlvoze.. . ··· L, J: 5 tf ? ... do something! nanka. . . foJ 1)" " ...drink at my house! orenchi de nomikai. .. Itfv"5 L'iX .7J. ~ · · · ...play a drinking game! nomi geme. .. iX.7J. 7'- 1>. ... ... do some partying! tcnlkaku asobu koto ni. . . c!::: I:: 1)' J: ? c i*R£! I.:··· c I WANNA... .. .tai na ··· t L l td: ~ · . .meet some new people. atarasbt tomodachi tsukurt . . Wi L- Ll:&:ilfF'J ... · . .go somewhere else. hoka no tokoro itte mi. . . f1!! 0) -3 fi'? -C Jj. ... c.:: · ..blow this pop stand . koko a dete iki. .. .:: .:: · h-C 1 ~ ... H 1' · ..score a man. otoko 0 kudoki. . . !Il ~D m ~ · · · · ..sc ore a woman. onna 0 kudo kl. .. 3l:~ D m~ · · · · . .go home early. hayaku kaeri. . . .If'- :z.? ?? . . . L? ..... '''' , Anyway, let 's party. tonlkaku asobo Bring it on! c. 1::1J> t.:... I) Not every night can be a party night. That 's why they have Blockbu ster nights. Actually, in Japan they would be called "Tsutaya nights " - if t hey weren't already ca lled mattari. So go get a romantic co medy and a bucket of green tea ice cream, wiggle under the kotatsu, and have yoursel f a good mattari. c TONIGHT I. .. kon'ya wa . ~l3i:I;t . 42 D irC1::::I cacanese · . .am beat. .. .dart na ..f:=' L) L\ - ts , · ..do n't feel like doi ng shit. · . .nani rna shitakune ...jiiJ t> L,t.:: . · . .wanna watch videos or something. · . .bideo demo mitai ... t' T ;t-c't> Jl. t.::~ ' • ..... Funny shit ukeru koto ?7".Q'::c In spite of the stereotype, Japanese folks have a great sense of humor. You're going to have plenty of shit to laugh about, so you might as well learn how to do it right: c •.• IS/ARE HILARIOUS ! · . .mecha ukeru .. . ? ! Just looking at them.. • aitsu ra no kao a miru dake de... iJi;l I? GO)/Ui~Jt.Qt':W{,· ·· Your stupid jokes... omae no kudara nai gyagu. . . .. . ·····Cool shit omoroi koto t5t>'5 L\.::. C Omoroi is your ali-purp ose w ord for interestingness . You can use it to describe how funny it was wh en your friend got drunk and fell into a sewer ditch, or how enamored you are by the music of David Hasselhoff, or how you were moved by an exhibit at the Hiro shima War Memorial. Anyth ing yo u find appealing is omorai. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's omorai. 44 Oirt:;=t oacanasa c FUNNY I COOL I FASCINATING omoroi ;tTo l \ This movie is great. kono eiga omcrol na ;: 0) IIJl! RID , ;t T 0 l \f • J:- Japanese folks are funny. nihonjin ne omoroi yone B* A ? T , ;tTO P J: :tJ. Take me somewhere fun. dokka ornoroi toko ni tsu retette c ? tJ\;tT o t \ C:;: l::iIn T ? T . Do you know any cool clubs? dokka omoroi ku rabu shi ra nai C?tJ\;tT Ot \ ? 7 :1~ ",tJ:t \? That's one funky hairdo. sono kamigata kanari omoroi ne -t o) M~ , tJ\ tJ: ,) ;t T O t \:tJ. You are a real fun kid . anta omoroi ko dane "J'Jlvt::. , ;tT 0 t \'j't':::tJ• ..... Where Japanese people get down 8 ;$.A (J) irf"(j:fj Nihonjin no asobikata Japanese kids don't go to "bars." Ac tually, they do - just not as oft en as they go to other places, like karaoke o r clubs. Here's a list of different ways that Japanese folks get stupid: c IZA K AYA @ ~ ~ The standard Japanese drin king establishment. It's basically a cross between a bar and a restaurant. Most of your drinking will be done in one of these. That lzakaya has shitty food but the drinks are cheap. asoko no izakaya wa meshi ga mazui kedo sake ga yasul kara 6;-t-':: O) Ii5 J!j ~I;j:mxtJl*"fl \It CJ!jtJl~l \tJ''3> . c KARA OKE tJ 7 ;;t 7 Small, private karaoke rooms rented by the hou r. Yeste!day we sang fNery Beatles song in the karaoke joint. kino wa karaoke de bitoruzu no zenkyoku utatte shirnatta II'F B 1 :IJ 7 ;t?""t' t:'- t-) I.- 0) ~ I!ll ID: ? ""( L. * ;j: ? tz, x c KURA BU ? 77' Loud music and drinks . Often categorized by the type of music being DJed : Hip-hop club. Reggae club, Punk club. Do you knew a good club for picking up rich, handsome men? kanemochi no ikemen 0 gena deklso na kurabu shitteru .M~0)~?"~~e~ ~ t-"t'~-t-5~ ~ 7 7B ? ""(.g ? c GESEN 7' - tz > A video game arcade. Swallow your pride, man- nothing beats a good game of drunken Tekken. Last night I got so drunk I wound up playing Dance Dance Revolution at the arcade. ki no wa nomisugite gesen de danrebo nanka II'F B I;j: ~ ;/j. "9 ~ ""( ~ ? ~"I'>? t::: - . yarc hatta i:! ~ "t' (jf ~ 1/'" tJ: Iv t» '\,> c FAMI RES U 7 7 ~ VA Short for "family restaurant." this implies Denny's or some other chain restaurant. They have much better food than 46 Dirc~ oacenasa their American counterparts and serve alcohol! Often open 24 hours, for when a night gets really sloppy. Let's wait tor the first train at a family restaurant. fa miresu de asakhl no densha 0 mate 77 ~ VA ""C'W1 - 0)1Ui z ~ c: ::> . c MANG A KI SSA ;I @i ~ ~ A twenty-tour-hour Internet cafe/comic book library. Pay by the hour to read . watch movies, obsessively trag, send drunken mass e-rnails, or just sleep until the morning train. Not a party place, per se, but a good place to kill ti me between part ies. Free soft drinks. There's nothing to do till the club opens up -wanna hrt up a manga kissa? ku rabu ga aku made yarukoto nai kara manga kissa demo ittemiru ? :> 7' 1J11m ""C'~~ .:: C: t,H \ 1J' .; il Wii Il.ll!?it""C' M\:>-CJ:i.~ < * ? c BA , NOMIYA /'1 alcohol rather than food. . ~Jj. JM A Western -style bar, specializing in c SU NAKKU AT ';;? A bar with f1irty waitresses. Middleaged dudes love these places, but they charge you up the yin-yang for a halt-assed cocktease. c HOSUTESU KURABU TA?77" * A An expen sive bar with younger girl s who will drink with you and sometimes more, depend ing on your wallet and your demeanor. P 8rb~ "J8pan 8 S8 47 c HOSUTESU KURABU Ladies, don't feel objectified! You, too, can pay to drink with handsome young men who might even chomp your box for a nominal fee! c * A I-- ? "77' SUTORIPPU A A titty bar. I-- I) '/ 7' c NOMIKAI jX J.i.~ A party. Usually takes place at an izakaya (see page 46). c same as nomikai. but usually celebrating a specific thing. c ENKAI ~~ HANAMI :jE Jt Spread out a picnic blanket beneath the cherry blossoms . and watch everyone procee d to drink until said picnic blanket is a kaleidoscopic Jackson Pollock of chunder. c DONKi ~ /=t- - Welcome to Don Quixote. the Japanese Wal-Mart. Not a place you want to go party at . but it's open 24 hours and you can always find some interesting folks wandering the aisles at 3 a.rn. c NIJIKAI =;j;:~ The aft er p arty. Th is c an be held at any of t he above establishments, and often involves missing your train, pukinq on your friend's shoes, and hitting on nameless coworkers. c GO KON I KOMPA ~ :J / • :J / /'\ A dude invites his male friends. and a girl invites her female friends. and everybody gets drunk and feel s each other out. At some point the girls go to the bathroom and decide 4B O irt:~~ oacanese who gets who. Basically it's an institutionalized version of Friday night at the bar. c ORU ;;f -)[, This means MFuck the last train, we'redrinking till morning," and it happens more often than not. c Y AMANOTE SEN GEMU L1J =F ~ 'i- A A drinking game where you go around in a circle and say the names of stations on the Yamanote Line. When somebody tucks up, they drink. There are a million other themes for this, like the names of prefectures or names of foreign actresses. c OSAMAGEMU x m'i - A This is basically the Japanese equMilent of "Truth Of Dare: Kind of childish and dumb, unless you're drunk enough that ns right on your level. ·····Sooze sake ~ Bacchu s has his own language . Mostly it consists of slurred co nfessions about how mu ch yo u love your friend s, but there are other Bacchanal ian vocabules that you w on 't be embarrassed of the next morning: c CHEERS TO, , , ! ni kampai ... ( :~ff ! , , .this beautiful country! kano utsukushi kuni .. . ;: (J) 9ii l,.. ~ \ 00 ... p art~ .Japanese 49 · ..the kindness of Japanese people! nihc nji n no shinsetsusa. . . B * A O)~tJJ ~ · · · · ..recovering from alcoholism! aruchu ga naotta keto ... 7 }v'P /)I;i! :J t.:: ':: C: .. . · ..all my ex-w ives (husbands)! mototsuma (motodanna) tachi.. . 7I:~ (7I:.§ JlB) . . .brew! mugishu. . . ~~ t.:: !> .. . How about a drink? ippai ikaga -'!f l \/)/)f? You got beer o n tap? nama biru arimasuka !t !:-}vil'; t) *'9/) ? "Seer on tap" in Japan implies a light pilsner. A pint of beer, please. narnachu kudasai !t'P :J C: ~ L, 'I" ~ ? tJ' .; ts• Astukan is heated sake, usually drunk in the winter, and usually cheaper than the drier sake you drink cod. Why don't you shotgun that sake? soko no ponshu 0 ikkinomi shitara 't ':' (7) ;1' / ~ z - >liiX ~ [" t.::'; ? There's net a lot of beer-bonging in Japan, but you do get a lot of good old-fashioned chugging. Chug! Chug! Chug! ikki ikki ikki - . - )= \ - ) - \ -:;<1, , ( ( This is what you yell while people chug chug ch ug . Let's drink until the last train. shuden made nome ze ~m * -z' iX t> ? 1f • .. .which ain't all that late in Tokyo . p arb~ oacaoese 51 I'm gonna drink till it comes back up! ribasu suru made nomu de I) / ~-':~"9 .Q "{'iXu"{'- * . Hilariously enough , they call puking "reversing ," If you're going to barf, do it in the toilet. gero tchaunnara toire de yare ?' D? !> "\'> ? fv tJ: €> t-1' c v"{' ~ n . OTHER DRINKS THAT JAPANESE PEOPLE ENJOY: Sh6chii (po tato liquor- drunk by the pros) mAt. (huh.i (a cockta nwith sh6chiJ} At/\ 1'• ({{{{(({((R []RiNKiN~ S[]N~))))))))))) ) NOMIUTA iX~ilJ: Ra-ta-raccoon balls, see them sway Even on a windless day And when Papa Raccoon spied These ballshe laughed till he cried And his own ba lls swung side to side, tan tan tanukt no kintama wa kaze mo nai non! yura yura sore 0 mtteita oya danuki hare 0 kakaete wa hha hha ch6shi 0 awesete yura yura t::.1vt::.1v t: ~ E 0) ::i'i 3i: I;J: 00 (,t,,, 10) I: ~ ~ ~ ~ -t h ~ Jl:n 1 t: ¥lit': ~ E III ~ 1 1.1 ';t -c t:> ? I;J: ? I;J: ? .1' lIlFf~ftt:>tt-c ~~~~ 52 Oirb!:::l cac a ne ae ..... Fucked-up-edness dei sui ;Ft ~ Whatever, man -you aren't going to remember any of these vocabulary words when you're sprawled out on the tatami mats breathing fire . But I guess maybe this w ill make for some nice hangover retrospection as you sit there trying to remember what happened last night. c I'M STARTI NG TO GET .., · ..shite kichatta ... L. -C;! !> '" -::> tz; , ..buzzed. horoyoi. . . 1;t-3~( \... · . .a Irttle tipsy - oh no! yabai chotto fura lura.. . 1"/~(\ , !>J;-::>e:7777 '" · . .a bit drunk. yopparalta kanji gao.. ~ -::> l;f';' -::> t.::@\ G I;l ... · ..sick. hakike... p±;!~'" c I AM •• . · . .nl nattekita ·,, 1 1 -::> -C;! tz, : .. · . .smashed. beron beron. . . '" -3fv '" -3 fv ... · ..really trashed. me guden guden.. . t>? <''T: fv<''T: fv .. · parul::! !Japanese 53 · . .three sheets to the wind. cho deisui jyota! .. ilUl: ~tJ( ~ .. . Yesterday I got so smashed I was hittlrg on girls in the train. kine nanka beron beron nl nane densha no naka de nanpa shimakuri ~BC~ ~ . ~ ~~~ ~ ~ I: c ? ~ m. ~. ~ T /I ~ ~* < v. Don't try talkirg to him-he's already three sheets to the wind. aitsu wa me cho deisuijyotai nanode hanashi kakena i he ga ize iY.> l I:J I~ 'b ? iJl;Jt:~tJ(li1' t ~ ~ ~ L b'I:TtJ: l 111 J: b1lllltf. Y esterday I totally drunk-dialed my own sister. kino sajibun no ane ni yopparatte denwa nanka kakechimatta ~ B~. ~ 7t~ Mi I : ~? It I:J"~ tz, *? €>? ~ m~ tJ: ~ b' b' Hi, my name's Nancy, and I'm an alcoholic. konnichiwa watashi wa nan shi to imasu aru chu desu '::~I:t>I;t . fkl;t T/:;" -c~l 1*9. 7 JI-. ~9. ·····Weed happa 1\ ':J 1'\ If yo u 've bee n in Japan for more t han a co upl e days, you've probably notice d an eleme nta ry sc hool kid o r middle-aged lady spo rt ing a marijuana-emblazoned Tshirt. This doesn't mean that said woman or child is down wi t h the 420. On t he cont rary , it pr obably mean s that they have no idea what bud is. This is how pot works in Japan : you don 't talk about it except with folks who do it. Kind of like sw inging in America. Anyway, t here are plenty of people in Japan who enjoy a puff before a night 54 Di ro~ Japanese on the town, and qu ite a few who enjoy more pu ffs than that. One caveat , though: outside of Hokkaido, Japanese w eed is rea lly bad-and I d on 't ju st say that be cause I'm fro m Oregon , Especially in Tokyo , you usua lly w ind up w ith this turd y black hash that looks and smokes like some hippie just scraped it ou t of his homema de Fimo pipe, Note: Not to harsh anyone's stony mellow, but the laws in Japan in regard to possession and d istribut ion of bud is not friendly, So follow your natural sense of paranoia when smoking. What do Japanese folks think about marijuana? nihonjin wa marifana ni tsuite do ornottelru B * AI;J: ~ I) 77 :t l;: -:J t IT e? 1!J Tt I.Q? I heard that bud grows wild up in Hokksido. ho kkaido de wa taima ga shizen ni haeru tte kitandakedo ~ t;j;ji!i:<:, (;J::*:m tJl @I ?!.\ (;:!tX.Q ? T IlII t It::.lvt ::' (te . You know where I can get some trees around here? dokka kusa ga te ni hairu tokoro wakaru e?~ 9 3~ ~I ;:A.Q~ ~~ ~~.Q? Don't you have anything other than hash? choko igai no mono wa nai no T 3 :J t.HW) 'bO) (;J:t. . t I O) I didn't bring a piece. paipu motte kitenai wa J~..f :tf;b T ~ T t t I~ . .. Wanna take some bong rips? babura de suttee miy6 ka J~:t'7- <:' P}b T J.i.J:: ? tJI ? ? l'rn gelling a h stoned. ttle chotto raritte klta na !> j ; ? ~ '7 I) ?T ~ t t ::. z, Shit, I'm really fucking baked. yabai ore itchatte iru wa ~Ittl , ffll , ..f ?!>~?T t \ .Q ~ . paru1:::l .Japanese 55 Check him out-he's stoned out of his mind. hora aitsu raripa ppa nandaze Ia' "' , il') L\ -::> 7 I) I ~ -;t IV t': if. "fv I've got the munchies something fierce. ore wa kanari manchitteru !lll;j: i'J't" I) x /7-":l -C .Q . ·····Coke k6ku ::J- ? They do have cocaine in Japan. I guess. At least you often hear folks talking about it. You also see news reports about wayward cops dealing it and celebrities getting p ulled over with blow all over their dashboard -just like in America! So. for what it's worth, here's my unders tanding of Scarface penance as it is spoken in contemporary Tokyo. You know where I can get me some of that wMe powd er? shirai kana ga te ni hairu toko wakaru BL\m i'J{¥ /::: A .Q t-::J tJ i'J' .Q ? Cut me up a big, fat line. omo ikklshi fute rain 0 hitoite kure .\!J. L\ ":l ~ L. ,5,-C X - 7 -1' / Z ~ IL\ C: L\ -C Let's go into the bathroom for a bump. chotto toire itte snitte ku kka t> I) 1 " L\ fv 't', ~}.. 0) ¥tl U il'1 L\ '" t" L\. ;j: < Are all Japanese comedians on coke? nihon no owaral san wa minna kcku yatten 'no EJ *O)t:5 ~L \ ~ fvl;j:Jj.fvt" ::J -? '? ":l -C fvO) ? 56 Dire!::l oacanese CH~PT6~ y &.JAPANESE 1*1~~9.Q B *~ •••.•The Japanese ideal nihonjin no rise BODY B*Ao)I!~ The Japanese ideal is a little different than the American ideal. but probably not all that different. I mean, in Africa they like girls with elongated labia, and in Europe I've heard it's cool for guys to wear those weenie soccer shoes. c HE/SHE HAS . kare/kanojo wa . iJ!! • iJ!! "tz: (;t. . · ..a small head · . .ata ma ga chisai " ' ilIi 1J{ /J \ ~ ~ · ..8 \ slender face ·. .kao ga hosoi ... ~1J{*1II ~ , 57 · ..round eyes · . .kurikuri me "'< ') <') § · . .a short torso and long legs .. .doran chosoku ·..nl'll:ii ~ .lE. · . .a good figure · ..sutairu 9a i ...A:$I ., JL-1.Ilt \ t \ c HE/SHE IS ••. karelkanojo wa . iJJ< • iJJ<:t< Ij: . . .kawai . · ..c ute (guys and girls, but mostly girls) ..·1.I'Pt \t \ • • ,p retty (girls) ...kirei .. · ~ t1. t \ • ..beautiful (girls) . . .utsu kushi " '~LA \ • • .hot (guys) or cool (girls) ...kakko i ... ;IJ -;; :1-1 -f · ..stylish .. .oshare .. .E l".\" t1. · ..popular with the opposite sex .. .mote mote .. ·t T t T · . .hip .. .iketeru ... ., 7 ""(.Q · . .slim · . .surarito shiteiru " · 9 ~ ') C L, ""( t \ .Q 58 D irt;,~ oaoanese · ..skinny .. .hosoi ···$lB l \ · ..cleanlkempt ...sappari shiteiru .. " ? Ii t) l." \ .Q -n ·····The Japanese ugly nijon no busaiku B:<$:(7) r~5~ ~ L\ c HE/SHE HAS A... ka re/kanojo wa . iJlt • iJlt fr Ij: . "", t) · . .fal . . .debu .. .-70" . . ... ~ ~\ · . .chunky ...debuccho .. .<.' ,5:? !> .t · . .dirty/disheveled .. .kltanai .. · ;., ~ I c OTHER BODY TYPES: HE/SHE IS .•• kare/kanojo wa . iJii • iJii :t< l;t . · . .little (not just ...kogara height-a~ogethef srnalQ ... IJlm · . .ri pped · . .gottsui ... .:::' ? "? ~ I . ..delicate .. .kyasha .. .~!i' · ..tan ned · . .hiyake shiteiru ·" S bt lj lJ Ll I.Q · •.pale · . .aojiroi ' ''W S ~ I · . .scrawny · . .gari gari shiteiru . .. jjl);tj l) ...nekoze VL~I.Q · ..hunched over (bad posture) ·.. lI\i1!' · ..short ...chibikko " '!> l:h ;: · . .hairy . . .kemoja .. .'§ t>l~ "" 8 0 Dl:::l Japanese 61 Looks like you' re getting a bit of a beer belly there. chotto biruppara ga dekita mitai dane !> J: ? C t'-j(, ? Ii 'C> bl <: i'! t::.Jj. ~ t.::tl.. t: \ I gotta go on a diet. daietto shinakya ~ -{ I ':J t- L- i'! "1" . ts Japanese people have square asses. nihonjin wa ketsu ga shikakui 8 :<$:J...1;t7"'/ 1 9 1ll ~ \. ;t1' Check out my sixpackl hora fukkin wareteru daro 1;1 'C> . al!li1i~Jtl. ""(.Q t.:: -3 ! I need to shave my bikini line. bikini rain 0 soranakya t':f-'= :7 -{ / ~ ~J 'C> ts: i'! "I" • ! Man, you are totally ripped! omae kin'niku mori mori jan d:3 i\iJ• li1i ~ t I) t I) G"I" Iv ·····Piss shonben Ij\{j! If you' re ever looking for someplace to drink in Tokyo, there's a c reepy c hain of bars called SeiryOmon where, if you go in the men 's room and stand in front of the urinal, it starts laughing at you, and then the urinal actually starts moving around so that you have to really make a concerte d effort to grip and aim if you don' t want to piss all over your new Japanese shoes, I wanna go pee. oshikko shitat d:3 L- ? z; L- ~ t: \. 62 Dirt!:::f ..Japanese I golta take a leak. shonben shite IJIlI! t. L X- o I am experiencing an urge to make urine. ny6i ga sashite mairimashita J)U! IJl ~ ~ LW~) Lets piss togetherl tsureshon shiyo ze * ~t.: o iIn~3/ ~ J: ? 1f ! I pissed all over my hands . te ni shonben 0 kakechana ~ I:JJIlI! ~ IJ'lj"t:; '" '? tz, I am a pathetic bed wetter. watashi wa she rna nai onesho desu fAl;!: ~J:? 'btJ:L l ;t * ~ 3 1:'1"0 Ched< out that drunk businessman pissing in public! hera yopparai riman ga tachishon shiteru f;t0 . liblj'0L") -"?/lJlrr !> ~ 3 / ~ L .Q! 800~ .Japanese 6.3 ·····Shit kuso <-t- Personally, I think that poe is pretty funny. Farling is funnier, but poo is pretty damn hilarious. So I must say th at I was deeply di sappointed to find t hat t he average J ap anese person reall y isn 't that entertained by dookie. They just don't have the weird Judeo-Christian taboo about excretion that makes it so funn y to us . You can take a Japanese girl on a first date to an expensive Italian restau rant and she will gaze at you over the cand les and flowers and Cha teau Duchebage and say, "I've got mad diarrhea today" -AND IT WON'T BE FUNNY. Trust me, it took me a lot of failed potty talk to learn this lesson. Play your giggles off like you're just about to sneeze or something. I need to poop. unko shitai :'I Iv.:: L.,t.:tl. I galta take a dump. kuso shire <-t- V C t -. I've got nasty diarrhea. ya bai geri shiteru "/ ~t I ' l l) V(~ . I'm peeing out my ass today. kyo wa geripi shrtemasu ~ B I;l: 'I ') ~ - VCl'- 9 . I'm been super constipated lately. saikin wa mecha bempi de sa Iiill I;l: cl6 !:> \'> if! tin ' ~ d.> . Check out the curl icue turd! * hora makiquso ga aru do (;f.€:> , *~ <-t- IJI d.> ~ C! Thecurlicue turd is a sort of icon in modernJapan. It looks like the picture above. * Don't forget to wipe. fuku no a wasurezu ni na lit <(1) € £ n t3 ;;1:jt. - :t". n Dude, you smell like crap. omae unchi kuse na ? Iv !> L,!> "f-' ? t:::.lvt:: It C. ::: /l:; lvt" • < ..... Farts onara EtJ: ~ You couldn't pick a better language to fart in than Japanese. This is because Japanese has a lot of onomatopceia - words that represent sounds. But before we get to the act ion fart sounds , let's get the basics down: Who farted! onere shita no wa doltsu da ;t;-7 L, 1.:: (1) 1;1: C ~ I':J t: ! I just cut the cheese. he kolchimatta de JIt ;: ~ I !> ;;I: ? t: l' naze de arc 0 Why do I so relish the smell of my ow n farts? jibun no onara no nioi ga kon'nanimo konomashi no wa t"ttl' 0; ~? 13 5l' (1) ;t;-7 (1) §l, ~ ItJl ;: Ivt" I: t> P1-;;I: L, ~ 1(1) 1 ;1: 0 8000 .Japanese 65 Somebody must have let one slip. dareka ga morashitanda na gjttJ)tJl ;\jl b V~ lv t t o ;!. d. Damn, you're like a suicide bomber with your gas today! / yabe omae kyo wa jibaku tercno yo na onara da na ~~-. t;!.fd. ! ~ n . ~ B I: ~ m T D~ ~'~ ~ ~ 7 c SPECIALTY FARTS Somebody was pulling some nasty one-cheek sneaks during that meeting. dareka ga kaigichO ni yabe sukashippe 0 morashiteta tz, gjt ~ ffi.~. ':~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~? ~~ ;\jlb ~ T The word sukas hipp e ( T IJ> L,? 1£ ) literally means "transparent tart ," and roughly corresponds 1 the English 0 "silent-but-violent" or "one-cheek sneak." The lady next to you on the airplane is an expert at them. And for your present I got you... a cup of tea! hai kirnl no pu rezento wa nigirippe da I:l '. :fS~ :1Lrtf / H: · . . 1:!'IJ ? ~t:: J; ! An integral part ot Japanese etiquette, the nigirippe ( I: It I) ,?!£ ) involves farting into your hand and then carrying the tart into the proximity of a friend 's nose before unfurling your fingers and asking, in a smarmy British accept, "Cup 0 ' tea, gov'ner?" Somebody just pulled a drive-by on us! aitsu ni he no morashinige sa recbimatta J; l \ ? I: ~ ~ ;\jl b ~illI1 ~ t1. "5 ;.1; ? to: ! This is pretty self-explanatory. Also known as a "hit-and run,"this is when you tart right before getting off an elevator or leaving a room. The sheer cowardice of the act leaves a sour enough smell in the air. Below are several examples of classic Japanese fart noises. Each of these wo rd s has its ow n un iqu e meaning and lyrica l value. Try sayin g them out loud in ord er to really 66 Oirti~ .Japanese feel w hat kinds of tart they stand for. Then feel kind of we;rd for fartir9 with your mouth. I just let ..• .. .ne onara shita . . . :> T;;fT7 L-t;: · . .a healthy, bubbly fart burl burL. . ..5~ t) ...5 ~ t) . . . · ..a fluffier, loofah tart bufu. .. · . .the classic, enunciated tart pu... ,~,- .. ... c BUSUN ,5:g-1v bu is the sound of the initial pop, while sun portrays the subsequent hiss. So it's like the dike breaks. and then the water flows out. aona ..Japanese 67 c "';)' \0 \ - ", BUr Pronounced "bwweee,~ it's one ofthose tarts where you try to play rt off like a stomach-whistle but then you realize that you've totally fumed the room. c SUKA 1";/» A whisperer. See sUkashippe above. c SUSU 1"1" The double whisper, for when rt takes two puffs to blowout the candle in your pants. c BO fifA rumbler. Uke when you're sitting in a wooden chair and the gas is just whapping out of your ass. c BERI BERI '" t) '" t) Like bunbon above, but wetter. Pasty. c PUKYO _ .~ ... \ c ) $ - A tight, well-pronounced tart . No legs are lifted, but rather the tart is pressed through the cheeks like pasta. c sos. BUBIN The octave . One of th ose fart s th at begins as a deep rumble but quickly crescendos into a falsetto snap. In Japan , th e blame for bad gas fails on the consum ption of p otatoes rather t han beans. Nam ely, sweel potat oes. They are said to g ive one's gut a particularly good c arbonat ing. 68 D irb!:::l oaeaoese But farting feels good -and if it's good to you, it's good for you, as the old Japanese proverb says: One fart is worth a thousand doses of medicine. he hitotsu wa kusu rl senpuku nj mukau. Jit-:> 1;j:~(7)T~IilI: IcJ I.I' ? • •.•.. Snot / boogers / etc. hanamizu / hanakuso / sonata _*.M-<-t-.-t-O)ft!! Perhaps you noticed that the Japanese word for "booger" (hanakuso .. < -t-) is just a compound of the word for "nose" and t he word for "shit ." Put t hem t ogeth er, and you got "noseshit." Likewise, the words for "earwax" and "eyegunk" (also introduced in this section) are compound words for "earshit" and "eyeshit" respectively. Hey, stop picking your nose. kora hana hojiru na ;:€> , . fi L; {,fJ:. Don't just stand there with snot coming out your nose. hana tarashitenjaneyo ~ !I! €> ~ L Iv L; ",~ -J: . Dude. don't wipe your baogers on me! oi ji bun no hanakuso 0 hita ni tsukeru na yo d:3~I , § 7t (7)Il< -t--2':A I::>I:rMJ:J: ! I get most of my vitamins from eating baogers. baku wa daitai hanakuso 0 kutte eiyo 0 totteirunda j~ I;:tt': ~ I ~ I . < -t- -2':~:J L 5!<: ll -2': C: :J L ~ I {, Ivt.: . t: Don't you think this booger looks like your mom? kano hanakuso tte teme no kachan ni mtene - ? ;: (7). < -t- :J L , L hb jt -(7)ta'5 '" Iv l: jtJ L~ eons .Japanese 69 You got a Kleenex? tisshu aru T-{ 'l~:J. iY.> {' ? I've got a bloody nose. hanaj i ga deta a. ltD.;/){ tll t: 0 He was covered in blood. aitsu wa chimamire datta iY.> LI -:> l;j: ltD. *,; . :tV ': ? t: 0 Check out th is bountiful harvest of earwax! mite kono mimikuso no hofu na shukaku .It:C ;: 0) l'+ -'t 0) I\' ~ II)( II ! < ts. You're sporting some mad eyegun k. omae suge mekuso ga tsuiteru sM. 1"11- § <-'t ;/){-:> LI T {, O Shit, I got a zit on my ass . yabai ketsu ni nikibi ga dekita ~ f;f LI . .,.. './ f;: .=.4=- t: ;/){l';! tz, You should pop your zits , man. omae nikibi 0 tsubushita ho ga i zo sM. .=. 4=- t: z ;ft l." t: 1J;/){LI LI ~ 0 A shitload of pus came out! suqe umi ga deta 1"11- 9 ~ ;/){ l' t ! .:: I feel like I'm gonna puke. hakike ga suru iii;! ~ ;/){ 1" {, 0 I'm pu king my guts out. ore gero 0 haki makutteiru jig, ?'O Zlli;! *< ? n \{, o Last night I drank too much and reversed my dinner. kino wa nomisugite ribasu shichatta II'F B f;j: fiX,;;. 1" ;! T I) I ~ -:A V!; "I" ? 0 t: 70 Oirt:;jl::! u8P8nese I can still smell where he drooled on my pillow. aits 9a makura ni yodare 0 tarashita tokoro ga imada ni nio wa u <1) l \? tJttt I: 3,$1' V ~!I! ~ lA:: c':: z; 0 I: ~?t> . tJt* t.= I could hear him snoring from outside! attsu no ibi ki wa soto kara kikoerun damon <1) l \? (1)l' t:: =\'- 1 HI- ~ l1li.::. A ~ Iv tJ> t.= t.> Iv . I dumped her because she grinds her teeth like crazy. kano]o wa hidoi hagishiri suru kara wakareru koto ni shitanda i&~I;l:U-c l \ l!§ ~ L, 1) "9 ~ t» ~JlIJ;h.~ ,::, c':: I: L, t: Iv t.=. Don't touch him, he has cooties! aitsu wa engacho dakara fureru na <1) l \ ? I;l:I / jj T 3 ~ f\H1. ~ tJ: ! t.=tJ> ·····Sickness byoki 1Iil~ When I first gol lo Japan, I was surprised to find that people became uncomfortable when I told them about getting both the clap and crabs in the same Canadian brothel. I guess Ihe Japanese are a little put off by the whole idea of Canada. But th ey are very comfo rtable w ith ta lking about health issues, so feel free to let everyone around you know just how rotten you feel: I feel gross. kimochi warui ~ti¥ !>i!lH \. I'm not feeling good lately, saikin wa demo taich6 ga yokunai Dude, you don't look so good. omae kaoiro warui zo <13M, n ~ j!!H \ ~ . ilili I;l: C ? 'bf*iJlI ffi J: -Q . · . .Iuck like rabbits yari makuru. . . "\!>')ao <-Q ' " · . .get it on etchi suru. . . I 'YT 9 -Q ' " · . .have a quickie ippatsu kamasu. . . - ~1J' ao 9'" · . .hitthal shit; bone hameru. . . /\;;1. -Q'" ...hump omanko suru. . . <10 aofv;:: 9 -Q ' " ...•• Genitalia, etc. seiki nado ttHtJ:c Remember how in high school you learned to sing "Head, Shoulders. Knees, and Toes" in Spanish? Remember playing a game of good old "Simon says touch your cabeza"? Turns 74 Oirb~ oacan ese out, this wasn't just lighthearted fun-professors of applied linguistics tell us tha t by touching the various parts of your body while saying their corresponding names out loud, you actually internalize a new language better. It's called "tactile learning ," and I enc ourage you to try it w ith the fOllowing section. Simon says touch your chimpoko ... Touch my... . . .sawatte .. ·M :> "C. Uck my... .. .namete ..·f.J. It.J "C• Spank my... .. .tatatte .. ·O nLI"C. Be gentle with my... . . .teinei ni atsukatte " ·T lIil l: 1lb "C. Can I touch your... . . .sawatte ma i " ' M:>"CuLI LI ? ({{{(({fl T~~[]NG []J:' [)[]NGEIl)))))) LI-:'LI-:'f.J.T/:J tiny dick hmpdick bigdick huge cock hung likea horse m'J mT::"'\, fu'nyachin 7 = 1"' T / dekachin T tJ T /' kyokon, kyochtn eill, e T /' tansho. tanchiin umanami Hom1:::l caoanese 75 Can r lick your... .. .namete mo T "' M1: ~ """( 'M \ , \ ? Can I spank your... .. .tataite mo i \"""( 'M \, \ ? ···On' Can I take a picture of your... . . .no shashin 0 totte T ·· · O) ~ J( ~ II ? """( ' \, \? Don'llouch my... . . .sawaru na ··· ~ .Q t ! J: I love•.. . _.daisuki ' '' *Ifl~ That is one (those are some) fantastic... s wa rippa na _ da ore .. 'H1 1 ;j: rr ~ t " J:' t':. I've never seen a ._ like that. . sonna ... mita koto nai -f:Iv ts:..JU::. :::.. c ts. , \. ;f/;f/ cock chin chin Johnson chinko ;f /:::J dick chi mpo ;f/;fwiener chimpoko ;f/;f- :::J head krto iiJi 76 O lrb~ ,Japanese the rim of the head ka ri :h I) (the chin. if you will- basically another word for the head) nuts ternatarna nads kintama t: -aJ::. a:. ~2 baJlsack fuguri ,5,< ') pubes (male) chinge T/'f; (((((((((11 m~ss []~ 911~I1STS))))))))) ;l3? li~ \ fJf~ \? concave breasts breastless lip I!!I'i!L l!!\'i!L K'i!L r.!I'i!L otsu'nye mu'nyu hin'nyu binyu flat- chested barely breasted medium-breasted ample-breasted big tits ginormous tits beautiful tits fake tits '!' 'i!L H'i!L chu'nyu h6'nyu kyo'nyu §'i!L ta'i!L "''i!L !!'i!L baku'nyu bi'nyu kyo'nyu HDm~ oacenese 7 7 mangina (ma le asshole) ketsu manko 7'./"",<,/ ::1 pussy manko "",<, /::1 cunt manman ""'<'/""'<'/ hairy pussy kemeko '€ I;!( \ nipples chikubi 'J1L1§ nips bi chiku B±t!!1R 7B Dirt:~!::::l oa c anese pubes (female) mange 7/'E pussy juice alekl ~;~ ass ketsu 7'/ asshole ketsu ana 7'/1\ anus anaru 7T)~ perineum ari no towata ri til om;.§t I) (Uterally. the Japanese word evokes a line of ants crawling out one hole, across a small patch of turf, and down into another god . bless them.) ..... Sexual acts selkol tth~ You might not know what all these things mean in English, but that shouldn't stop you from learning them in Japanese. I mean, what better way to get acquainted with your ow n native "t ongue" t han by learning how to say "analingus" in Japanese? I want to do som e... . . .9a shitai ... 1Jl~t.:l\ . Ho m~ !Japanese 79 Wanna try... · . .yatte miyo ka ·..'f> ? JJ. J:. -r: ? 1» ? Have you ever done... · . .yatta keto aru " ·'f> ? t.: ;: c S oQ ? I like... .. .9a suki .. . 1)l~~ • I'm tired of... .. .akite kita ...iil ~ -r: ~ tz, 'f-A kissing kisu pelting pettingu ~ ':; T -{ './1/ dry-humping sumata ~~ finger-banging teman cunnilingus kunni "'''' './ 7 r.7 7'./=' fellatio fera playing the skin flute shakuhachi RI\ swallowing gokkun ;:::'? ~L, < · . .more. . . .yatte " ' 'I''> ? L ·····I 'm coming! iku iku! ~\<~ \ . This feels really good . mecha kimochi i d.J!> "I'> ~Uij !> ( I (I ! I'm starting to get off. kimochi yoku nattekita ~Uij !> .t ~? tz, Do you have a.. .? . . .aru ...

.Q ? Let's try using 8..• . . .tsukatte m iyo ka ..'(f?-cJ.i.J: 5/J)? ...condom gomu . :::f 1>. . · . .dildo harigata. . . ~ ') !l:l" . · ..double dildo unagi. .. 5 t,J. Ff· ·· · . .bullet (egg) vibrator pin ku rota.. . 1::/7 D - 9-· ·· · . .vibrator batbu. .. /~1' 7"... Do you like my fingers or your vibrator better? ore no yubi to baibu to. dotchi ga i? j([ (1) jlj c!:: /~ 1' 7" C!:: . t> /Jl L\ L\ ? c? B4 D lrt:i~ Japanese I'm going to... .. .shichau " 'I..-!>~? I wa nt to ... .. .shitai ... I..-t.::L I . You wo n't.. .? .. .shine! no ... I..- tJ: L10) ? · ..get a hard-on bokki.. . fJJK ·· · . .have a wet dream musei. . . ~m · ·· · . .lob (have a half-boner) handachi. . . 'F ~ !> ' " • •.beat off (male) shiko shiko . 1..-;: 1..- ;: . · ••masturbate (male and female") onani ... ;;t:t-.::.- ... • Japanese lacks a mainstream slang word specsc to female masturbation, though there's no shortage of private slang terms that groups of women use among themselves. que ef manpe ~/ 1Et coming onto tits paisha / ~ 1' M coming in an ass ketsusha 7'/ M H Dm~ oacanese 85 c PEOPLE COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES People come in every color of the rainbow. People come in different sizes and shapes. People come in all so rts of people -at different speeds, with varying degrees of intensi ty , in an eclectic assortment of orifices, on any number of occasions, and employing a vast arsenal of manua l and motorized tools. People make the world go round, is basically what I'm trying to say-so let's take a look at the different sorts of people that people come in. I'm a bit of a atashi chono t: L" !> J:: ? (female). nano C:: ... ts 0) . I'm a bit of a... (male). ore na tokoro ga arunda 1li, C:: :::. ~ j;l ?;, Iv t~ . ts: You seem like a... anta .. . ppoi na lvt.:: , ? I£L It". Are you a ? ... nana ..·t" O) ? slut yariman ~t)-X:'- cheapfuck katsugaru '7';;6 (IKft) lucky snatch ageman 11-X :.(a woman who, when you sleep with her, makes your luck and general status in life change to( the bette] B6 O irb~ -Japanese unlucky snatch sageman ~11 "/ (a woman who, when you sleep WIth her, sucks all the luck out of 1'00) virgin shojo ~3l:: dead fish maguro " ~[J (a girllNho doesn't take an active role in lovemaking) MILF hitodzuma .A.~ bull dike baritachi I~ I) 77 lipstick lesbian barine ko I ~ I) ;j'- ::J dirty whore abazure 7 / ~ ;;( V callgirl koru qaru ::J - Jk ti- JL- player, pimp ya richin '?t)7 / quickdraw mikosuri han _ ':: 9 t)~ (premature ejaculator- literally, ' three and a half strokes'} HOm!::::f .Japanese B 7 ({((((((L~T'B ~RV~ R OUi[!Ki~)))))))) IPPATSU KAMASOU -~tJ)*-t-? What is it. honey? dcshita no darin c? lA::O)?/'';I I) ;..- 7 I'm feeling kinda horny. etchi na kibun ni ratcbarta I T ts ~ ~tI::: t.;: -:> !> \" -:> 1:: lA \- . !il:,jU::t.;:-:> !> \,, ? .I; - I want it now. I'm so horny. ima hoshi yokkyU oi natchauy6. ~I;l: For real? Here? rnaji de?konna tokoro de? 3; L. " 7 t: Ivt.;: i::. ;: 0" 7 Yeah. Why not? un yoku naili? ?Iv• .1; < t';:- - ( I 7 ? Alright then, get ready for some alley head. ja. tachi kunni shite yaru. L. \" ? ;..- = V "[ \" .;, Ah! This is so embarrassing! i! \" ! 1\;;( ( \ Dam n, girl, you're all about it. today, with this little G-string on. nanda. tibakku hattenjan, omae sotc yaru ki manman jane ka yo. Ivt:!. , T.,. -/ ~ ';J?I;j:(lclvL.\"Iv , s M~§i!l\" .;, ~ ;;ll '" L. \" h - 1)\- .I; ts. These are my "strict ly business" panties. I shaved down t here. sh6bu shitagi nan60. paipa n shichana no. !ll~ T lIt.;:O) - - . IH I ~ ;"- ~!> \" -:> t;:O) You're all smooth. nanka tsuru tsuru t.;: Iv 1)\?';' ? .;, BS Oi~~ .Japanese Lick my dn ! Ah! Right there! kurt chan narnetee. a! sokc sokot !l!!:!> "i' fv t,,-It.> <: - - . Ji.> ! -t;: -t t; Your cunt is drenched. omae no manman, me che guehogucho dayo. E~~?/?/ , ~? m~ ~~~ Your cock. It's SO hard. I want to suck it for you . ochi n chin.nankasugoku. binbinshiteru watashi ga narrete ageru. E~/~/. Cfv~T~ < , Mit.> <: Ji.> I f ~ ~/~/~<:~ . ~~ I'm gonna stick my hot rod so deep int o you . mono oku made ore no arsui no wo irete ageru y6. ~? C: ~U:<.' fii!~ ~M ,~~ An<:Ji.>lf ~~- God. I can't take it anymore ! Put it in ! !! Pc-please! mo dame gaman dekinal t naka nj irete. ho_hoshi ~? ~( '. t.:1t.> A ft!l<.' ~ t,,- ( ' - - . '!' I::An <:. l;t···I;t Fuck. I'm about to come already. yabai. ore. rnO ikis6. "l"/;f(I. fii! . ~? il1i ~ -t? What? Seriously? Premature ejaculation? e?rnaji de? moshiya sare? A?*G<.'? ~~ "I" !j!~? I'm •.. I'm going to come ! Where do you want it? ore m6 dechau yo. doko n i hoshi? E n . ~? te !>"i'? ~ . c I want to drink it. gokkun shttat no. ;:I::W:IA I? ~? -:!i\ ( I . E( I ~ (\ . Man, I love that dirty sex. rnaji konna hents! purei tte cho kimochi L ,s;;:fvt,,-lll'~:1v-1 ? <: m~ l'l(\( 1- -. ? Hom!::! \Japanese 89 premature ejaculation s6r6 ~ ;\Il impotent impo 1' / # horny bastard etchi I 'Y T sadist sado "!tt.: masochist mazo ~ 'J pervert sukebe 7-.'7'" foot fetishist ashi-fetchi JE 7 I 'YT 90 Oir b!:l ,Japanese CHJ=lPT6J=1 B ANGRY JAPANESE ifJ\ tJ) ifJ\ t» B* MU KA MUKA NIHONGO ~ ·····Enem ies teki ~ The old axiom hold s true in any co untry : for every good soul there are two assholes driving slow in the passing lane. So I guess it makes sense that t here are twice as many ways to d escrib e person al it y flaw s as there are t o compliment somebody. Boss buch6 ilfI~ My boss is a total fucking assnole. uchi no buch6 wa maji mukatsuku ? -; O) ilfI~l;! '" :;U !,P-:J <• 91. Ex-boyfriend motokare :n::lJ v My ex-boyfriend was seriously evil. ata shi no motokare wa honto ni saiaku na yatsu dana t..:t' ':J t: ? tz, Ex-g irlfriend motokano diJt::. ~0) :n: :IJ v l ;:t*~ l: ft ~ :n::IJ/ My ex-girlfriend was a s1utty bitch. ore no motokano wa she rna ne yariman dana ~ O) :n: :IJ /I;:t~~ -~ ~ - ~ ~ ~ ~~? ~ . Stalker sutoka :A 1- - :lJ Seriously, I've got like three stalkers right now, and rt's driving me nuts. maji de sutoka 9a sannin rna ite sa komatteru no yo ~ ;; \?:A 1--:lJ-1Jl_AMIT~ . liIb T.QO) J:: . Sex predator chikan ~~ A sex predator tried to feel me up on the subway. chikatetsu de chikan nt atte, alai no mune 0 sawarD to shiteita no tl!ff~ \?1Jii;)ll:i!b T . diJ L1 0) Jr.1;] ~ ~ C ~ T LIt::. O) . t: t> -:, ? Cheapskate kech i 7'T 92 Oir'b!:::l ,Japanese My oid man is a stingy bastard . uchi no oyaji wa dai no kechi da ? !>O)m~I;j:*O) ?" Tt': . Lazy b itch guzu 1/;( My old lady is a lazy bitch who Sits around watching daytmelV. ofu kuro wa guzu de sa waidosh6 bakkari miteyagaru ~ ~ <~I;j: I/ ;(~~ . ?~~~3 -lt?~VI L~ ;I)l.Q . Moth er-in·law giri no okasan Jl!J!O)~ a~Jv My mother-in-law is the devil. giri no okasan wa onibaba da Jl!J!O)~a~ Jv l ;j: *~ t . ': Lawyer benqoshi #1I± Lawyers kind of suck, don't they? bengoshi ne amari i msho nai yo ne # 1I±? L;;; Politician seijika jij: ;~~ *') (\ ( \ I'IJ ~ t (\J:t. ?. l::U"n~ .Japanese 93 Cop s satsu "!t 'Y The cops keep picking on me because I'm a foreigner. gaijin dakara satsu ni ayashimarete bakkarl da ~A~~~ "!t 'YI~.~* ~Tli~~V~ . ·····Smacktalk waruguchi ~D Oh my god, did you hear her Japanese slang ? She sounded like a total touri st bitch! She must spend so much time on that skanky hairdo that she doesn't have time to study up on her Japanese srnacktalk. The polite little slut. He/she is such a liar, aitsu wa usotsuki da 6'>l \?I ;n! ? ~ t::. He/she totally thinks he's the shit. altsu wa choshi ni notteiru yo ne 6'> l \? I;l: iJ1Ff l~ l1) ~ Tl \.Q J: t1. He/she must think he/she is too cool for school. aitsu wa jibun no koto 0 mecha kakk6 i to omottendaro 6'> l \? I;l: ~ 7tl1) ;: C. ~ /1)1;; '" l \l \ ~T Ivt::0 . *Mr c. .!.\ \ He/she is such an asshole. aitsu wa kanji warui kara 6'> l \? I;l: re!i GP.Q l \ 1» ~ . Oh my god, he/she is so creepy, aitsu wa honto ni kimoindakara 6'> l \? I ;l:*~ 1 ~'t-'E1' Ivt:: 1»~ . He/she has been talking shit about me. aitsu wa ore no warukuchi 0 itteiru 6'> l \? I;l: ~ l1) i!Il D ~ = ~ T l \.Q . 94 Oirt::;!:::l ,Japanese He/she always stands me up at the last minute. attsu wa itsumo dotakyan suru .1)~\::>I;J:~\::>t> ~ :9 *i' / 9 .Q . He/she is so self-centered. aitsu wa ( he jikochl1 da .1) ~ \::> /;J:i.lI EI cot> t~ . He/she is no fun at all. altsu wa tsumannai yatsu da .1) ~ \::> /;J:::> Iv ~ -V '/ 1:::. ao ts \ All she ever does is hang out WIth her boyfiiend. anoko kareshi to asonde bakka damon .1)1 )'7-, i!J£c iIl1lv "t' li ? 1J>t~ t>1v. 1 He/she is totally a Bened ict Arnold . altsu wa uragirimono da .1) ~ \::> (;J:II tJJ 'J ~ t~ . We used to be friends. but not any more. mukashi wa tsurundeta kedo ima wa sappan da ne 1il'1;J:::>{, Iv "t' t;:It C. ~/;J:~? li lJ t~.tJ . He/she pisses me off. aitsu wa atama ni kurun da .1) ~ \::> I;J: Bl I:::* .Q Ivt~ . Oh my god. I cannot stand himlher! maji mukatsuku aitsu ,,~ tl 1J> ::> < , .1)~ \::> ! He/she really gets on my nerves. aitsu maji uze .1)~\::> , ,,~ ? tf - . We'll never make up. nakanaori wa me muri da na i'!'ml: 'J (;J: t>? !mllt~ tJ: . I never want to see them again. rno nido to aitakunai t> ?=m:c f< ~ vt: ~ \? .. . Hislher attitude ... aitsu nota ido. . . iY.> ~ \? (J) Il IJr.. . & His/her lace . aitsu no kao . iY.> ~ \? (J) r.A . The way he/she talks... aitsu no shaberikata. . . iY.> ~ \? (J) L. '" '" ') n ". Everything••• nani rna kama. . . jiiJ 'b IJ>'b ... You . omae . S*X· .. Fat Americans . debu na amejin . T 7' ts. 7 ;I..A. . ... piss(es) me olf. .. .mukatsuku ' '' V IJ> ? <• - ! ...really piss(es) me off! . . .maji rnukatsuko " ' ''? ~ V IJ> ? < • _ word ;;tl1J>::> J (maii mukalsukO sometimes gets I abbreviated as ~ M M . ~ as in the following: r" < 96 DirI;:;;~ .Japa ne se ... bother(s) the hell out of me. · . .ni hara ga tatsu ..·I:::.!JI tJl :J • t: ... gat(s) my tits in a wringer. · . .wa atama ni kuru wa ..·1 tiA I:::* .Q -b• ;1 .. .gat(s) on my nerves. · . .ki oi kuwane ''' ~i1::: <-bt.1-. , Oh my god, hislher face pisses me off so much . chikusho aitsu no kao cho emu emu da !> < l" J; - il')l \:JO)~ , tilMMt.=. ·····Snapping kireru :f-V-Q If Step One of anger is getting pissed off. then Step Two is snapping. The Japanese word for snapping. kireru, means exactly the same thing: the delicate thread suspending your overwrought composure has just snapped in half with an unbecoming twang . He/she called me fat and I snapped. aitsu oi debu rt e iwarete ki reta il') l \:J I::: 7' / ? -C g -btl. -C:f- V tz, He/she looses their shit really easily. aitsu wa sugu kireru mon il') l \:J 1 '9 <':f- v .Q 'tlv. ;1 Don't snap at me! kireru na yo :f- v.QtJ: J: ! Anotherword you willhear inthis context isgyakugire (~ ¥ v ), w hich literally means "snapping ba ck" -like when you yell "Fuck you" out the w indow at a Chinese lady who just cut you off. only to have her blue-haired head come poking I=InGr!:::I .Japanese 97 out of her Old sm obile to yell "YEAH . WELL FUC K YOU TOC . MOTHERFUCKER" in a voice that leaves the next four generations of your children in shame. I tried snapping at my g i~friend. but she just snapped back harder. ka nojo ni kirete mitara gyakugire sarechatta ~~ I:~~Th~~ ~ ~ ~~~~ . ?~ . He/she gave me a dirty look. aitsu ni gantsuke rareta M \ ? I : 1f / ? l t ~ ~ t.: . You always look pissed off in photographs. omae shashin de wa itsurno gantsukteteirunda yo na SllUC ~A<:I ;t l \? 'b1f / ? lt T {' lvt::J:.tI.. . I just wanna haul off and deck that mctherfucker. bunnagutte yarite ,5:1v~? T ~ ') T A - • ..... Fighting kenka It IvtJ\ Ever since World War Two. Japan ha s been a peace ful country in whi ch the word "fighting " has no mean ing. Just kidding! Even though guns are illegal in Japan. a fair amount of shit gets kicked. some of it even memorably violent. My dirty mouth has gotten me black eyes and a busted jaw. plus one time I saw a couple tweakers totally brain a kid with a mountain bike. Oh yeah. and I got a knife pulled on me once in Shinjuku . but that was by a c reepy Russian dude. Still. the language barrier often prevents foreigners from getting involved in some of the b est blood letting that t he Eight Islands have to offer -so ge t yourself so me good health insurance and try out the following: You suck. saitei da omae fti!f.t::SM. 98 D lrt:i~ .Japanese Fuck off. uzendayo ? tf-fvtc.J:. o Motherfucker. klsarna :Jt ~ o Asshole. terne -OO A - o Leave me the fuck alone. shitsukendayo L, ? It - fv tc. J:. o I hate you. daikirai * Ii L '0 What did you just say!?! nandat6 t.I.fvtc. c. ... ! 7 ! Get out 01 my way. doke c lt o Go to hell. shine 9Etlo Eat shit. kus okurae <'t < "'.'to Shut the luck up. ussendayo ? "?"tt - fv tc. J:. What the luck? ahoka 0 7*tJ' 7 ! You 're worthless. tsukaene yatsu dana ? tJ'.'t tl - "?? tc. ts. 0 I=InGrk::t caoanese 99 You got a problem? monku akka >c S]S?1J'? Bri ng it on! ka katte kot 1J'1J'?-C':'~\ ! ·····Stopping a fight kenka 0 tomeru It Iv t» ~ .1b~) .Q If you ever have one of those rare holiday experiences when a carload of teenage meth-heads roll up on you fully intending to make your jaw a permanent part of the curb, you might have one of those tr anscendental moments where you realize that Phish isn't such a horri ble ban d and that John Kerry was n't necessary a tot al pussy for leaving Vietnam to protes t war -and before you know it you are saying one or more of the following in an Owen Wilson drawl: Don't get your panties all in a knot. atama 0 hiyashitoke B.n ~ * ~ ~clt . Hey, calm the fuck down. oi ochitsuke yo S ~ \, ~!>ftlt J: . Dude. don't loose your shit like that. sonna ni kireru na yo -t: Jut.): I::t- v.Q ts. J: . Take a deep breath or something. shlnkokyu demo shiro ~ II')' P.!l c: t> ~? You're all worked up. k6fun shisugi dayo !.II! iI' ~ T U': J: . 1 00 Oiru~ .Japanese Violence is bad. boryoku wa ikenai zo (;I: IT11 t,J: ~ \-f• an Give peace a chance, man. heiwa ga ichiban sa :;P:fll fJl-llt ~ • I'm a pacifist. watashi heiwa shugisha nandesu fl. , :;P:fll ;Uil ~ Ivl'"9• ts. Forget about it, man. hottoke yo l;t? C /1 J:: . I have nothing to do with this. kotchi ka nkei ne yo ;: ? "5 1l1l fWi;b - J:: • Who really gives a luck? dcdemc T njane ka C? l' 'M' ~ ' Iv L:. \" ;b-fJI. Stop it. yamero 1'6".>-3. Whatever, man. kane ni shiro ~¥I;:~-3 . Call the cops. keisatsu 0 yobe WtiH: II¥"'-. ·····Pigs satsu '!:T'Y "Pig : an old -timers ' and high -sch ool wigg ers ' word for "cop," certainly doesn't apply to all officers 01 the law. I use the word "pig" here (and the corresponding satsu, w hich ~nG~ !Japanese 101 doesn't d escribe actual swine) strictly to refer to Japanese co ps, w ho belong to that special category of douchebag that is all douche and no bag . I mean, Japanese co ps must have absurdly tiny dicks, because every one of th em walks around like they've got somet hing huge to prove. Maybe it's because they didn't get to go to college and have uninhibited sex, or maybe it's just because they aren't allowed to carry guns. Japanese cops are also totally racist, so watch out if you look the least bit foreign . If you happen to be black or Chinese, you might as well just start running the other way. The pigs are coming. satsu ga kuru zo "!t'/ I'J{*.Q of. Run away! nigero ~lf -3 ! Oh, shit. yabe ~ "' - . It's a biker cop! shirobai da B/H t::' ! Hide the shit. yaku 0 kakuse 1':7 zll!tt. Act like you don 't know shit. shiranpuri shiro ~ '" 1v,5~ 'J L. -3 . I don't know anything. "ani rna shiranainda foJ 'b ~ '" tJ: l ' Iv t::' . Fucking cops. porik6 no aha if-IJ 1}0)7 * . 1.0 2 Oiro~ \Japanese CH i=lPT6R 7 POPPY ..JAPANESE POPPU NA NIHONGO ~ 'Y 7'td. B *~ ....• Music ongaku ff~ Speaking objectively, I have to warn you that Japanese pop mu sic is relentlessly horrend ous crap. Th is is a quantified fact, but n's also one of the world's great mysteries . I mean, Japanese visual arts are unifonmly amazing , right? Japanese fashion is light years ahead of everybody. Japanese cuis ine is nothing less than delectable . And Japanese video games have invented the industry . So why is J-Pop so unlistenable? Oh yeah .. .They don't have black people in Japan. Let's listen to some ... .. .kikc ze " 'II! ;: :itt. 103 Do you listen to... . . .wa yoku kiku .. .(;to/:: <~ < ? Do you know where can I hear some.•. . . . a kikeru toko waka ru · " ~ ~ l t .Q t- :Jp tJ, .Q ? J-Pop [e poppu J ;t' ';17" At least rt·s not reggaeton . Johnny's Music janizu ket ~ y :::. - ;;( * The Japanese ve rsio n of "boy band s. " Arashi, Srnap, V6, Kinki Kids - these NAM BLA posterchildren make the Backstreet Boys look like they actually have testicles. Indies indizu 1'/ T ~- ;;( Has little in common with "indie rock." Basically, it's J·Pop that doesn't have big-label backing . Mostly awful. Reggae rege I/7' I Even Japanese kid s are rocking the dreads these days. Uke white reggae, but even more misguided. Hip-h op hippu hoppu t '/ :1* ':; :1 Japan has produced some quality DJs-just don't give them a mlc, and everything will be cool . 104 Oiru~ oacanes e J azz jazu ~-v;;( Japanese people have great taste in jazz- check out the Tokyo Blue Note. Soul s6ru v» )~ Thank you. Japanese record labels. for reprinting all of my favorite albums. I really appreciate it, but will you stop charging me 3,000 yena pop? Rock-n-roll rokku D -» The one genre that even Japan can't tuck up. X Japan forever. Techno tekuno T?J Somet hing tells me that Japan w ou ld be prett y good at this, but I don't know because I don 't listen to poo. What bands do you like? sukina banda wa HE tsr: '/ I" 11 ? Who's your favorite singer? sukina kashu wa 9r E t.J.ID:'¥ 11 ? Show me a cool Japanese band . nihon no omcshiroi banda 0 sh6kai shite B* O)llii S ~ \ / ~ '/ H :r.l1l'l,.,"t". 00 you play any instruments? nanika gakki wa dekiru foJ1J'~ HI1",(,E.Q ? P OP P!::::t LJ8paneS8 105 The chorus is really catchy. sabi no tokoro ga omoroi "!t l:' 0) C: ;: -? tJljID B l 1 I'm really into mashing. suramu dansu ga daisuki 0 7. 7 b. 1f '/ 7. tJl;j;:tIh'!" 0 ·····Comedy owarai E~P The best thing about Japanese TV is the co medy shows. Japanese comedians will do just about anything for a laugh, and you don't have to deal with crappy sketch co medy or stand-up. Being able to understand the jokes is reason eno ugh to learn the language, but it's also a huge part of the culture. Everyo ne from kids to adults kn ows th e major comedy groups and their shows, and can riff on their favorite punchlines. c ESSENTIAL COMEDY WORDS : What the luck? nande yanen t.>.fv ""('~tlfv ! This is the classic response to a joke. If someone makes a bad pun, or pokes fun at you, just look outraged and say"Nande yanen!" Tsukkomi ~?i6J:i. tsukkomi A tsukkomi is a joke at someone's expense. You notice something funny about someone, and make a tsukkomi about it. 106 Oirt:;j~ caoanase Are you retarded? ahoka 7 * /)' ! A very general tsukkomi. Retard *'7is the one the tsukkomi is directed at. This Punch line ochi boke All the great Japanese comedians usually come in pairs: one tsukkomi and one bake . ;;f"7' Don 't always expect jok es to have them . Pun gyagu :¥1':7' Japanese people have a humorous lovelhate relationship with them . Horrendous pun oyaji gyagu m~ :¥1':7' The kind that will get your ass thrown in the punrtentiary. Quit it with the shitty puns. oyaji gyagu iunatchu nen m~:¥ 1' :7' ~ ? tJ: ? !> $ - :/;llv . This story has no punch line! ochl ga naijan kono hanashi ;;f"7' /)l t ~ \ G ",Iv , J: ;: O) ~ ! popp~ u8P8nBse 107 Stop making fun of me! senna ni tsukkemu na -t- fut" I:;<::? i6ti ts. ! What are you talking about, retard? nani ittendaye boke 101 Q ? ""( fut.=J: , *'7! .....The Major Comedy Acts omona owarai konbi ~t~E~~ \:::J / ...are hilarious. . . .wa waraeru yene t: .. · 1 ;j: ~ .t .Q J:tl. Downtown dauntaun ~ ?'/9 ?'/ Downtown is the best, not just because they have been around forever but because they are just malicious enough to make you laugh and wince at the same time. London Boots ronbu D '/ 7'London Boots hails from Tokyo, and they like to play pranks on unsuspecting people . A lot of it invoives catching people wh o cheat on t heir boyfriends/g irlf riends and publicly humiliating them . Ninety Nine nainai 99 ( j- -{ j- -O Ninety Nine is a lot like Downtown -a duo from Osaka that moved to Tokyo and diversified. Okamura is funny and looks like a chimpanzee, but Downtown is still cooler. 108 O irt:;,!:::;1 .,Japanese Neptune nepuchun */ T~ -/ Neptune is a 3- man comedy group, not as raun chy or edgy as some others. although they used to work with a comedian named Becky who is like a prettier, funnier version of Christina Ricci, Becky, will you go to the prom with me? Akashiya Sanma sanma san ~1v*~1v Akashiya Sanma is the C .G. Japanese comedian. He's like Johnny Carson. His buckteeth are an icon of the entire Japanese entertainment industry. ·····Comics and cartoons manga to anime i3tOOi C: 7 z:» Man, some America n kids are really into manga and anime! I don't get w hat th ey like about it so mu ch, or w hy they choose the anime that they do, but are they ever crazy about it. One thing is for sure, though: these kids are enjoying it in an entirely different way than their Japanese counterparts . I'm hop ing that the following phrases may help open up a dialogue between the nerd c ommunities of our two great countries so we can solve this mystery once and for all. moe ilJj ~ .. . A word expressing a nerd's deep affection for an animated character, or some trait thereof (Le., the most important word a nerd can know). I'm so in love with this character's kitty-cat ears! kono kyara no nekomimi n1moe .:: 0) 'f- '\' 7 0) mIn:: ilJj ~ .. . ! popp~ oacanese 109 I'm mad about that maid outfit! ano meidofuku ni moemoe il'J (l) ) C { t< mH:: jj]j ~ jj]j ~ ! What character do you get all MOE about? khlban rnoeru kyara ne dare -1I jj]j ~ {,=\,-"\, 5 -:> "Lt::---n ? . c NYYYYERRRROS otaku ;;f9? I'm proud of being a nerd! jibun wa otaku de aru koto 0 hokorl ni omone imasu 13 'l'1;t;;f9 ? -c'il'J {' ;: C: z~ ') I::::.\!b n ' *1"". We're both nerds, uchira wa otaku d6shi dane ?"5 ~ 1 ;t;;f9 ? f'il ± t.:tl. That person is kind of nerdy, ana hito wa otakki na kanji il'J (l) A I;j:;;f 9 ':I =\'- - tJ:!2; G. 00 you think Japanese is a nerdy nationality? nihonjin wa otakki na kokumin da to omou B*AI;j: ;;f 9 ':1 =\'- -C ~ ~~c:m? ? I'm a total ... nerd. jibun wa ... otaku desu 13 'l'1;j: " ';;f9? -c'1"". I'm really into... .. .ni hamatte imasu ·,, 1 / \ " -:> "Ll'*1"". :::: computer pasokon / ~:J::J/ anime anime 7=';' 110 O irb~ ,Japane se comic book manga ;i @] professional wrestling puroresu 7'Dv;A c CARTOONS anime 7 =.:1Robot anime robotto anime D* 'lt-7 =.:IThese are the staple of Japanese cartoons: Gundarn, Mazinger, Macross, Transfonners. Transformation anima henshin anime !!l:5l- 7 =.:IThis implies a cartoon where pretty girls transform into superheroes in skimpy clothing: sailor Moon, Cutie Honey, Pretty Cure, etc. Studio Ghibli jiburi anime ;;7' I) 7 =.:1Studio Ghibli produces some cartoons that are so good they aren't even nerdy . SpiritedAway and Tororo were big hits overseas, and Nausicaa is still the greatest animated feature ever. popp~ oacanese 111 c COMICS manga ;l ilID Tach iyomi n!>MCJ.i. Tachiyomi is the practice of sta nding in a book store or convenience stare reading the books without ever buying any. A brilliant way to kill time. I stood reading .. .for a whole hour! o ichijikan rna tach iyomi shiteta ,, · z - ~ r.H) n !> ~ J.i. L, "(t.: . Jampu :/'V// Jampu is the classic comic periodical, home to such greats as Kinniku Man, Dragon Ball, Slam Dunk, and One Piece. Magajin ":ti :/ / Magajin has published Tensai Bakabon, Kyojin no Hoshi, Goddohando Teru, and Hajime no Ippo. Nakayoshi tJ:1J'J: L, Nakayoshi is a comic periodical for girls, home of Sailor Moon, KyandiKyandi, and Ojamajo Doremi. Riban L) l;flu Ribon is the main competitor to Nakayoshi, publishing Chibi Marukochan, GALS!, and Mimi a Sumaseba. 0 6jinshi Ii'JAiZ Dqinshi are privately published comic books, a lot of which feature homosexual characters. 112 Dire!::! oaoanese Komike ::1 ':: 7 Komike is the annual comic market. a huge event where people come to sell their dq inshi. c HERO SHOWS t -D- iIHIi Power Rangers gorenja 5v:'- 0/ "\' The Power Rangers was a remix of this classic Japanese hero show. Spandex, karate , and plotlines bordering on abstractions. Masked Rider ka men ra ida f&Wi 71'~- The Masked Rider is a guy who transforms into a gigantic superhero on a motorcycle with special grasshopper powers. Ultraman urutoraman ?)~ 1-7"'<":'Ultraman is the granddaddy of all hero shows. He shoots a "Specium Beam" out of his hand and can fly with jet propelled boots. c OTHER ANIME I MANGA RElATED ACTIVITIES Co sp lay kosupurei ::I7.::1v "Cosplay" is the practice of dressing up like your favorite animated characters. It's like yiffy but not qurte as creepy. P OPPi:::I oa osneae 113 Maid cafes meido kissa j. 1' t' P!I!3fThis is a cate where guys go to be served by girls dressed up in maid outfits, like the girls in a comic book. Butler cafes shitsuji kissa t)llJlP!l!3fGirls, as well, can go have their coffee served by men in butler outfits. It's only fair. Action figures figyua 7 -1"¥ ~ 7 Action figures are very popular among the oteku crowd. You don't play with them - you just set them on the top of your bookshelf and sigh, "Moe..." Plastic models puramo / 7T Plastic models may be the kind of thing that your dad played with, but in Japan they are still very popular. Goth/Lolita fashion gosurori ket :::l AD 'H " Goth/Lolita fashion is basically just goth for little Japanese girls. Cute and scary, like everything else in Japan. c FAMOUS QUOTATIONS FR OM AN IME AND MANGA: "Settle down, settle down. Take a breather, take a breather." (lkkyU-san) awatenai awat enai, hitoyasumi hitoyasumi. (lkkyU-san) J:i.. .J;;pTtJ: t l.J;;pTtJ: t I. (- j* ~ Iv ) u-c 1'1"»o C1'1" "A pig that can't fly is just a plain old pig." (Crimson Pig) tobene buta wa tada no buta da. (kurenal no buta) m A 1lJI;l:t.:t':(1)"/ ~ t.:. "'tl FlI~ttp ? Tt':!>Iv.:::! ( '" *< Iv ) "Good enough for me." (Tense; Bakabon) korede, i no da. (tensat bakabon) .::::/1.""(', t 1t l(1)t:. ' (7':;{"I U Pf- :..- ) •..•. Fashion fasshon 77'./~3/ If you take anything home wi th yo u fro m Ja pan , don't let it be so me c ra p py o rie ntal bric -a-brac li ke paper lanterns or teacups . Do n't t ry t o subtly show off yo ur w orld line ss t o yo ur f r iend s w it h c ra p p y lacq uered chopsticks. Take home clothes, man . Tokyo is full of rare vintage garme nts , shoes yo u won' t find in Amer ic a for another d ec ade and denim that mak es Diesel look like Faded Glory. popp~ u8pansse 1..15 c I WANT TO DRESS •.• no fuku s ga shitai 6 · · ·O) n~~1Jl[J.::l \. Visual bijuaru ke! t' ~.:l 7 )I.oil'i (ViI'il "Visual" fashion is based on eighties hair-band fashion. You may notice that a lot of Japanese rock bands still dress like eighties hair- bands- this is where "visual" fash ion comes trom. Abercrombie abakuro kei 7/ ~? CJiI'i "Abercrombie"fashion isjust what you'd think. In Japan, an Abercrombie shirt is kind of secret code that you're gay. M od rnodo kei iO-t-' iI'i "Mod" fashion is pretty much the same everywhere. Vintage furugi ;!;"¥ "Vlntaqe" fashion is an integral part of the Japanese wardrobe. B blkei BiI'i "B" sta nds for "black," as in "That Japanese dude in the Fubu shoes must th ink he's black." .1.16 O i~ Japanese Gyaru gyaru kei )~if, :¥-v "Gyaru" fashion is a uniquely Japanese phenomenon. Shocking blond ha ir, heavy fak e t a ns , w hi te eye makeup, fluo rescent colors and miniskirts of breathtaking scantiness. Conservative konsaba kei :::J / "!t J ~ if, "Conservative" fashion stresses basic elegance. avoiding gaudy or trendy clothes. Young businesswomen in Tokyo have this down-clean-cut but sexy. Young Lady one kei sM;if, ·Young l.ady" fashion stems from "Gyaru" fashion. The blond hair, tans, and miniskirts are still there, to some extent. but the color schemes have mellowed into earth popp~ oaeenese 1.17 tones, and the accessories are brand name . Think of it as "Gyaru" meets "Con servative." Military miritari kel ~ I) '51 ,) -*, "Military- fashion may sound like an oxymoron, but camo jacke ts and g reen/g ray color schemes make for some stylish outfits. Gothic goshikku kei :f :.-- ,y ? *, "Gothic" fashion in Japan is just what you th ink it is, wit hout the Columbine threat of violence. Gothic Lol ita gosuror i kei :fA D I) "Gothic Lolita- fash ion is creepiness plus cuteness . Uke a Tim Burton movie! *' cTHAT OUTFIT LOOKS REALLY .., sono fukus6 wa.. . dane -t"O)n&ii1iIj:· ··t':tl. stylish oshare ;l3L,"I" tl. c ute kawai 1J'b~ \ ~ \ lame dasai t':~ ~ \ slutty erai ID ~ \ 11B Diru~ oacaoese hideous yabai 1'/ \( \ c HE/ SHE IS SO •.• ana hito wa ... dane "C:. c ! Banzai! banzai ]'jilf. ! Where is the cheering section? 6endan wa doko ni irundesu ka ~li l'lll ;! ;:. 1:L\ ~Iv "t'TtJ\? Will you teach me the team cheer? oenkyoku oshiete kuremasu ka ~li l!li~~ "'t" <;/1.* TtJ\? The ref is a retard ! shimpan no bake if!j9J(7);f-'T ! Swwwing. balterbalterbalter! balta ga senpuki da I ~ ';I'$' - tJ{li'Imll!!t': ! • This literally means "the batter is an electric fan"-he flails around and hits nothing but air. Where can I find a scalper? dafuya 0 sagashite irundakedo 117 JM~ jl1: (., \~lvt':lt c n . For which team are you a... dochira no . C!.> ~(1) supporter . sapota '!t;f--'$'fan fan 77/ 124 Dire!::! ..:Japanese hooligan fUrigan 7- 1 ) ti/ •.••. Exerc ise undo ii:lh There are plenty of places to work out in Tokyo, from fitness clubs to rock-climbing gyms. But if you want to be like a real Japanese person, you'll go d own to the river and hit some golf balls at the old ladies walking their dogs. Where 's a good place to do some ... . . .dekiru toko wakaru " ' L' ~ {' t-::JP1J' {' exercise ? undo iIlIJ weight training kintore jjjjt-v jogging jogingu :Y 3 -¥/ ?' yoga yoga 3 ti swimming sulel * ;,1< stretching suto retchi A t-V :;IT sPoro~ oacaoese 125 situps fukkin undo nil: Wi in I] pushups udetate fuse I19ilLL"1*it pullups kensui !!!!I! sprints supuri nto :A:1 ')/ t- treadmill toreddomiru t- 1/ '/ ~ '" ) I" practice ren shO ~~ I want to work out my... ... 0 kitaetai nda ...~ ilVU :: l \ Iv t:!.. abs fukkin JIll Wi biceps nito kin =ilIiWi triceps santo ki n = ilIiM pecs kyckin /fo;)il1i thighs futomomo :t:'t't 126 Dlrt:;l::l "Japane se calves fuku rahagi .s. <.; I;J: .; I've started to sweat. ase kaichatta ;'f 1)\l \ 1; "I" ? 0 t: I'm exhausted. tsukareta iill'l1. t: - 0 I'm out of breath. ikigire shichatta .\1!. tJJ t1. L" 1; "I" ? t: 0 I'm all sore today. ky6 wa kin'nikutsu da ~ B /;J:ijjj ~ 1Ifj t':: o ·····Video games gemu IT- b. Video games are to Japan w hat tea is to Britain o r war is to Am erica. Visiting the prist ine tem ples of Kyoto w on 't teach yo u a th ird of w hat you wi ll learn about Japan at the video arcade. .. SPOrt:il;;l "Japanese 1.27 Do you have ... ... motteru "' ~ :J "t" {' ? Wanna play some ... ... yare ka ··· ~ ~ ? tJ, ? Are you good at... ... umai no ...? ~H \O)? Playstation puresute / VA T Nintendo Wii ui 9-(X·box ekkusu bokkusu X;t~ , ; : ! ?A The original NES famikon 77 ~ :::J/ Dan ce Dance Revolution danrebo 'Y / V ;F (DDR) The kids get pretty serious about this one. lhe crane machine yule kyatcha UFO,\, 'V ':; T 'VThe one where you grab toys with the crane claw. Dragon Quest dorakue ~7?.:r: The best-selling Japanese game ever. Final Fantasy is a derivation of this. 128 Oirt;!:::I .:Japane se Animal Crossing oideyo dobutsu no marl t:H n o' J: , C? ,5: ::> 0) ~ A really popular game for Nintendo OS. Mario Cart mario kato " I) ;;t;l) - tA world standard. Let's go to the arcade. gesen ike ze ';'- t / 11' ':: ?1f. I'm not a gamer or anything, but I like video games. gema to made ikanai kedo kekko suki da yo ';'-,,- C: * l' l , tJ,tJ: l' It C, *li !I4 ~~ t':: J:. sport:;~ \Japanese 129 CH~PT8~ 8 ..JAPANESE PEKO PEKO NIHONGO HUNGRY A\:JA\:Js * m ..... Belly hara 1;:1: ~ Food is pretty popular everywhere, but it holds a particularly important place in the hearts of the Japanese. You ca n' t hold a conversation for more t han thirty seconds without someone recommending a rest aurant or sharing a recipe with you , which is kind of co unterintuitive co nsidering how skinny most Japanese folks are. Every day is Iron Chef to these people- a fact which is quite pleasing to the belly but which taxes your vocabulary when it comes time to articulate your appetites. cMY BELLY IS... onaka ... Sf... 1» "· 1.30 growling gore goro ltte yagaru famished ::([]::([] = ?L~tJ{.Q hettana " ? t::.tJ. - starving peko peko damon '" :J '" :J t.: t>lv full ippai L\?/tL\ stuffed pampan I ~ /I ~ / hurting itai miL\ ·····Food meshi ;f.'Y Techn ic ally, mesh; is t he word for ric e . B ut of c ourse , everybody knows that all Asian people ever eat is rice! So in Asia the word "rice" just means "food ." Kind of like how in America the word "Jack in the Box" means breakfast, lunch , and dinner. ... food meshi .. :;f. :/ . Did you already eat... ? ... kutta ..·1t?t::. ? HunGr~~ .Japanese .13.1 I want to EAT... !!! ... kuite ·· ·jtll""(;t - - - ! I love.. .. ... daisukl ·· ·*~~ ~ I · · · . What kind 01.•• do you leel like ? wa doshiyo " 'I;i:C? L-J:: ? ? ... What's your favorite... ? ichiban sukina ... wa -*~ ~ ts: ./;i: ? Why don't I fix you some...? ... tsukutte ageyo ka ···1'1' :> ""( iJi; Ii J:: ? tJI ? I want some cheap. greasy.. . ! yasukute aburappoi .. . ga kuitai ~ < ""( ;iII :> l£ l l .. ·tJljtllt;:ll ! Wanna order some takeout... ? ..·I;i: IIImJi 't ? tJI ? ... wa demae tanorno ka ·····Excuse me! sumimasen "tdJ.a::itlv Tipping is not practiced in Japan. But it's comple t ely acceptable to get the waiter's attention by banging on your table and throwing silverware while yelling "sumimasen!" Waiters are basically at your beck and call. On the other hand, it's not accepta ble practi ce to ask for c ert ain ingredients to be left out of a dish, or for less salt. or for a doggy bag to take your leftov ers home In. The following sorts of situations are where you want to use sumimasen . 132 Diru~ Japanese c EXCUSE ME, BU T••. sumimasen. . . 1" ,;lj. tt Iv ... · ..can w e order? * .. .churnon shite me l desuka ..';.1:lt V( 'M \ l n.'1"tJ' ? · ..what do you recommend? · . .nanika osusume wa arimasu ka " ' foJ tJ' S ~ &") I ;j: l;!l \ l:fJ:n{,tJ'fJ: ? · ..what's in this? · . .kore wa nani ga haitteirundesu ka ... ::nl;j:foJtJIA?'n \{'Iv -r:1"tJ'? · ..can I get one of these? · . .kore 0 kudasai " ' :: n ~ t': ~ l \ . < · . .can I get a menu? · . .rne'nyu a kudasa i ;(=:::t -~< t ~ l \ . ': ... · . .this tastes weird. .. .kore 3ji g3 hen desu g3 ·.. ::n. '* tJl ill'-r: 1" tJl. ''' ,* o) ~ I ;j: A ? -c*1"tJ' ? · . .does this have MSG? · . .aji no mota wa haitte masu ka · . .can I get some water? · , .mizu 0 kudasai ... *~ t ~ o L\l.A \:IJ. 1.34 Oirb!::l uapanese This is delicious! koitsu wa umai wa ;:: ~ I? 1;1: ?:l< ~ I t> ! Fantabulous! geki uma ~'.J" ! It melts in my mouth. kuchi no naka de torokete kuru D(7) , ;:: tl., ,, ~?ilf) ~- . Can I get seconds? okawari moraemasu ka Sn)t> ') t> 6;t:l<1"nl ? I want to marry the cook. tsukutta hito to kekkon shitai t'F:;l tz ); c S Gt.: ~ I . MIL You mao'd that shit down. omae paku paku kuna na sM, Ii 1v• ..... Food benders kuidaore 1H'11IJn A "foo d ben de r" (kuidaore) is a Japanese tradi t ion whe rein you spen d an entire evening walking from restaurant to restaurant , progressively gorging yourself into glassy-eyed HUnG~ .Japanese 135 stupor. Th is prac tice originated in the Osa ka area , but it's just as easy to eat yourself silly on gourmet c uisine in any of Tokyo'S 23 ward s. c LET'S GET SOME •• . .. .nl shiyo ··· 1::: ~ J:: ? Japanese food washoku 'Ill :f.t beef rice bowl gyudon ~H+ This is Japanese fast food : cheap and filling. You can find college kids horfing this shit down in any of the ub iquitous chain restaurants purveying these beef feasts: Yoshinoya, Matsuya. Kobe Ranputei. egg noodles ramen 7 - ;!-'/ Not the shilly instant noodles that got you through college. Real Japanese ramen is the stuff of dreams. There arewhole magazines devoted to finding the best ramen in Tokyo. Korean barbecue yaki niku m ~~ This has littl e to do with the soul food yo u are probably accustomed to . Thin slabs of t op -qrad e beef. often marinated. that you grill at your table. Japanese pancake okonomi yaki Basically th is is a deep-triac pork cutlet. Japanese stew oden tJ"t'1v You know it's winter, in Japan, when the convenience stores putt out these big vats of broth and start stewing stuff: eggs, potatoes, daikon, tofu. kamaboko. Trust me on this: the stuff at 7-B even is actually really good. o 0 HUnGn:t -Japanese 1.37 soups nabemono ilM~ Nabemono is an umbrella term for a number of soup dishes, including sukiyaki and shabushabu. tempura tempura ~ ..~~ '?> This is like the asso rt ed deep-f ry platter you get at an Applebee's or some shit like that. Chinese food chii ka q,:liI Japanese Chinese food is like a less greasy version of American Chinese food, with higher quality ingredients. prettier waitresses. and no Spicy Wings. curry kare :IJ v- You can get Indian- styl e curry in Japa n (check out Ji mbocno in Tokyo). alth oug h the word kare implies Japanese curry, which is more sweet than spicy. French food furansu ry6ri 7 7/ A *411 A lot of Japanese co oks actuall y go to France to study foreign cooking, so French food in Japan is probably more authentic than what you get in America, although I wouldn't know because I never eat the shit. Italian food itaria ry6ri 1' :$' I) 7 *411 1.3B D irc~ Japanese Don't expect to find a lot of heavier dishes like lasagna in Japan, but if you're into spaghetti and other noodle dishes, Japanese spaghetti is pretty damn good. They generally serve pretty shitty wine, though. ·····Fast food fasuto fudo 77 - AI'- 7 -t.: Of course you can find a Mc Donald 's in even the m ost remote corner of the Eight Island s, and a hamburger there tastes pretty much the same as the one you ate in Whatever M id dle Ame rican tow n you may have come from . But if yo u' re going to eat fa st food in Japan, I suggest you try one of the follow ing native franchises , in d escending order. Americans have a lot to learn about their own cuisine. c LET'S GO TO... ... iko ze ···ft .::. ? tf. Mas Burger masu t A Mosu is like the In-N-Out of Japanese fast food . They use quality beef and have all sorts of weird experimental burgers. First Kitchen fakki n 7 7 ';I 'l=- / Pronounced like "fucking ," these places are cheap , quick, and popular among high school kids. Freshness Burger furesshunesu baga 7 V ·;I;:"'::J. *A / ~ -jj HunGr~~ .Japanese .13 9 Freshness Burger is kind of a health- consctous burger joint. Unfortunately, that makes it less tasty than a Mos Burger, although it's light years ahead of McDonald's, Lotteria rotteria [J ';I T I) 7 The name "Lotteria" makes it sound like they should be selling scratch-ofts instead of burgers and fries. It's like McOonald's but not made out of poo , Kentucky Fried Chicken kenta 7'/ '7 Except for very remote parts of Hokkaido, it is impossible to find tUrkey in Japan, so it has become tradition to get Kentucky Fried Chicken for Christmas dinner-and eat only the skin, McDonald's makku "'< ';1'7 The Golden Arches, Theonlyexciting thingabout Japanese McDonald's is that you can get corn soup there, •.•.. Family restaurants famiresu 7 7," VA Have you ever been to a Denny's where they have a drink bar? You pay like three bu cks to drink all the coffee and orange juice and soda yo u want. Drink bars are pretty st andard at Japanese fa mi ly restauran ts, as well- but the exciting thing is that so me places -like Barniyan and Birudi- will occasionally have hard drink bars, too, where you pay a nominal fee for all the wine and liquor your composure can handle, .140 Olrt:;~ .Japanese c LET'S GO TO ... ... ike ze '''IT :::: ? if. Royal Host roiho (roiyaru hosuto) D-1* ( D-1 1'JL-* A t- ) Royal Host is the standard-bearer for all family restaurants. A lot of meat-based dishes on the menu. Denny's denizu T = - ::Z: Denny's in Japan is somuch nicer than Denny's in America. Clean and tasty. with Japanese and American food. Gusto gasuto ;liA tGusto is cheap and easy. It's popular with college and high school kids. Jonathan 's jona ijonasa n) :; 3:r (:; 3 :r"!T / ) Jonathan's is kind of cheap and dirty. You see a lot of angry parents and whinykids there. Casa kasa ;h-"!T Cas a has a lot of Salisbury steaks , curry. and omelet dishes. None of which are great. Saizeriya seize (saizeriya) '!t -1 it ( "!T -1 it I) -V) HUnG~ ..Japanese 141 Saizeriya is an Italian family restaurant-like Olive Garden except eci ble. Bamiyan bam i (bam iya) I~ ~ (J~ - ~ -V/ ) Bamiyan isa Chinese family restaurant. The food isn't great and the service sucks, but the one by my house had the hard drink bar. Yumean yumean ~ }ll The Chinese food at Yumean isn't that great , either, but I would place ~ an inch or so above Bamiyan. Don don (sutekl no don) e!u (;AT - =\' O) e !u) "Don," as this steak house is affectionately caned, makes a damn good steak. Applebees, Chili's, Outback- they don 't got sh~ on the Don. Bi kku ri Donkey dank; (bikkuri donkQ ~ / =\' - U.h < t) ~ / =\' - ) Bikkuri Donkey does not purvey donkey-based cuisine. They specialize in Salisb ury steaks , and do a g ood job with it. Bldy birudi t: }~ T « Bldy (this is th e actual spelling) has a very eclectic menu, but none of it is great. Fortunately, they are reputed to have the hard drink bar. 142 Oirb!:::l \Japanese •...-Cafes kissaten PM*r.5 St arbucks is every bit as ubiquitous in Tokyo as in New York and has better co ffee than other chain alternatives, But if you're a hippie who feeis like Starbucks harshes your socially conscious mellow, check out some of the Japanese coffeehouses. Doutor has bagel sandwches! Starbucks sutaba A'7/~ Like Japanese bra sizes, drinks at a Japanese Starbucks are all one size smaller than their name suggests. so that a -medium- corresponds to a "small- in America. Ooutor dotoru r t- - )(, At Dout or, you get the se exhau sted businessmen chain-smoking and drinking coffee next to bag ladies mumbling into theirteacups. The coffee ain't great, but the atmosphere has no pretensions. Segafredo seqafuredo -E:ti7 v- r Segafredo specializes in sticky drinks like the "Pina Colada Yogurt Granita." They are leading the whole Frappuccino genre into the 21st century. Renoir runoaru )(,/ 7 - )(, Pretentious and froufrou. Renoir is the type of place that frowns on to-go orders and prefers for you to sit down with HUnGn::l ..Japanese 143 all the other widowed madams until you order a tirarnisu out of sheer anxiety. •...·Sushi expert sushi ISO ~~im Oh, you thought Japanese slang was just for punkass kids? Well, tell that to the septuagenarian chef beh ind the sushi bar pulling his knrte through a yellowtail with all the precision of a brain surgecn. He still has shrapnel in his knee from the Russo-Japanese war and knows more sushi slang than a rapper knows Ebonies. So try out some of these words next time you're at a sushi restaurant and see if nobody notices t hat yo u' re a b ig fat American who rub s his c hop stic ks together and then orders a Coke wrth his California roil. c CAN I GET SOME ... .. .kudasai water .. . < t::: ~ ~\ . ohiya EU-~ soy sauce murasaki b. 7'!T=\=tea agari iY H) .d; ginger gari jj I) check oaiso E , ~~ ;:(t'=f.. - . This is total shit. kuso dayo kore o'/ t.=J:., z:n. HUrlGr!:::I .:Japanese 145 This is a shit among shit. kuso no naka no kuso dane

"fPiH \ Kuwazu-girai is a game that Japanese folks like to play at izakaya and ot her restaurants that have small, tapa s-like dishes. The premise of the game is this: everybody orders three things -two they absolutely love and one they can't stand. Japanese izakaya usually have extensive enough menus so that it's easy to find something you hate . Then you take turn s consuming yo ur three d ishes under the scrutinizing gazes of your companions, and they try to guess which was the one that you actually hate. Most people don't realize what bad actors t hey are, and nothing is funnier than watching a bad actor act - especially when they are overcompensating for nausea by pretending to savor and relish something that is making them sick. It's a great way to get to know people's culinaryand dramatic inclinations- and a rareopportunity to eat fermented soy beans. Bon appetitl HUnGrt:I Japanese .147 ..... About the Author Matt Fargo is the owner of one of the world's dirtiest mouths. He has worked in Japan as a writer, translator, and musician among other things, subsequently earning his Master's degree in Japanese Literature at UC Berkeley. He currently lives in New York, where he enjoys the metropolitan propensity for filthy language. If you get good enough at Japanese, you can read his first book, r;gm~H!iI1i:*J ,or you can check out his other projects at matthewfargo.com. 150 GET Next time you're in Japan or ju st chattin' in Japanese with your friends, drop the text book formal ity and bust out wit h expressions they never teach you in school, includ ing: D!RTY • cool slang • f unny insults • explicit sex terms • raw swear words ISBN10: 1-56975-565-5 ISBN13 : 978 -1 -56975-565-5 510 0 0 $10 .00 u.s. Vlyss es Press Distributed by Publishers Group West