Co-Parenting
Helpful Hints from Research
Elaine Wilson
Parenting Specialist
This collection of suggestions for helping children grow through divorce will give you
ideas you can use. This handout gathers research data from many sources and
applies the information to particular situations you may encounter. These practical
hints and suggestions are based on current knowledge of child development and
parenting. The suggestions may be very specific. Do not view these as rules. You
know your child and your situation. Use these ideas along with your own creative
approach to problem solving. Each family's plan may be very different. These are only
guidelines and suggestions.
At all ages children need:
Predictable, dependable routines and visitation
Attention to their abilities and interests
Parents who communicate with them and with each other
Friends for support and relaxation
Help managing fear, stress and anger
Stable adults in addition to their parents
Reassurance that they are not to blame and their family will function
Before we look at child development stages, we will take a look at the stages of divorce.
Parents change and grow through the process of divorce and re-establishing family life.
Children may experience similar stages and attitudes as the family lifestyle changes
from married to divorced.
Stages of Divorce
1. Disillusionment - reality is not ideal
2. Erosion - decline in satisfaction
3. Detachment - emotional separation
4. Physical Separation - one leaves or separates, one feels abandoned
5. Mourning - sadness, guilt, despair over loss of relationship
6. Second Adolescence - acting out, experimenting and over doing
7. Resolution - survival and renewal
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These stages may last a few years or a lifetime. It is important to remember that
children can feel all of the same emotions that adults feel:
abandonment----denial----disappointment----fear----guilt----insecure----
rejection----sense of something terrible----shock.
Explaining Divorce to Children
Several key points are part of explaining divorce to children at any age any time.
Goal 1 - To help children know the marriage ended. You will no longer be husband and
wife. You will continue to be parents.
Tell the children that you do not get along as husband and wife. You are not happy
as husband and wife. You no longer like your marriage. You want to tell and show
the children that you do get along as parents. You are happy with your children.
You enjoy being parents. You will always be parents.
Some ways to say this are:
"We have differences that make it impossible for us to live together peacefully and
happily anymore."
"We can not seem to agree on just about anything anymore."
"We have been very unhappy with each other lately."
Goal 2 - To know the divorce was a mutual decision.
Leave no opportunity for blaming. Make sure that the children do not and can not
take sides. The marriage and divorce were your joint decisions as husband and
wife, although it may not seem like it at the time. The children must know that they
can continue to love both their mother and their father. They need the freedom to
express their love for one parent without fear of upsetting the other parent. Explain
that the divorce is permanent. Describe how you will get along as parents.
Some ways to say this are:
"We decided to end our marriage."
"We decided to live apart."
"We tried to get along. It did not work. We decided to divorce."
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Goal 3 - To find comfort and support from each other, friends and relatives.
Brothers and sisters become closer during the changes of becoming a divorced
family. Their travel time together and time together with each parent may
strengthen the sibling bond. Encourage this closeness by telling the children about
the divorce together. Talk about the divorce and the new and old family lifestyle in
front of all the children. Show them that you appreciate their love and caring for
each other. Your children need the love and support of other children and adults.
Encourage these friendships. They can talk calmly about the divorce. Outside
friendships also give the child a chance to relax away from the tension of the
changing household.
Some ways to say this are:
"Sometimes I feel very tired, sad and angry. It may be hard for you to have fun with
me. When this happens, you can rely on your friends."
"Until I get adjusted to not being married, you may rely on each other and our
friends."
"Everybody needs friends, especially when their family is changing."
Goal 4 - To open communication and to keep it open. Talk with your child about the
divorce often. Do not wait until the child asks questions. Use children's books,
games and television shows to trigger conversation. Talk in the car, at home and
with friends. Do not lie about the marriage and divorce but do not overwhelm the
children with too much information. Keep it simple. You will need to explain over
and over again that the children did not cause the divorce and that you will not
reconcile. Repeatedly explain that the children cannot fix the marriage. Children
feel very powerful and responsible. These feelings about the divorce will last a
lifetime. Repeated explanations that suit the child's age and understanding will help
the children deal with their feelings. Talk about your own feelings. Be sure the
children know it is good for them to talk about their feelings.
Some ways to say this are:
"You can always talk to your parents, family and friends about your feelings."
"I like to talk with you."
"Your ideas are important to me."
"Talking about our feelings helps us to not make mistakes."
The key concepts you want to get across to your children are that:
Marriage ends.
Parenthood continues.
Mutual decision. (This may take several years to realize.)
Children bond.
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The divorce is permanent.
Other people can help us.
Explaining divorce to children is a lifelong process because the child’s inability to
understand changes. Children have to be reassured that: they are not to blame, the
divorce was not their fault, they are not responsible and the divorce is permanent. It is
hard to accept change.
Lifelong Process
Understanding changes
Blame
Guilt
Responsibility
Permanent
Accept change
Consider Child Development
Remember that the child is a child first and a child in a divorced family second. Normal
growth and development is stronger than family lifestyle. This means that normal
stages are stronger than the influence of the family situation. Two year olds move all
over the place dangerously. Four year olds tell stories. Seven year olds have trouble
with competition. Teenagers talk on the phone. These are normal behaviors,
unaffected by divorce. Many parents blame the divorce or the other parent for the
child's behavior when in fact, the behavior is normal. Take a CES class or read one of
our fact sheets to learn more about child development. What you learn will help you to
be a better parent.
Possible Reactions to Divorce
During stress all of us, children and adults, regress to behavior that was appropriate
during an earlier stage of less stress. If the children experience stress as a part of the
parental conflict, divorce or lifestyle changes, they may behave immaturely. This
behavior is psychologically comforting to the child. It serves a purpose. The child will
return to age appropriate behavior when the stress ends and the more mature behavior
works better for the child. Sometimes the parent enjoys and encourages immature
behavior such as sleeping with the parent or staying home more. The parent's
reinforcement of the behavior may cause it to continue longer.
Here is a list of possible reactions of children at each stage in their development. Your
child may or may not exhibit these behaviors at each stage. It is comforting to know
that these behaviors are normal and manageable. These behaviors occur in children
whose parents have not divorced. They are normal behaviors for children that age and
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normal responses to divorce. Children in divorced families may react more strongly if
the family situation and relationships encourage the behavior. Seek the help of friends,
relatives and professionals when the child’s responses concern you. Do not blame the
divorce, on yourself or the child. Do not wait for the phase to pass. Get help.
Infant and Toddler
Appears nervous, fretful, listless, moody, fearful or withdrawn
Fussy and reactive when parents are upset.
Failure to thrive symptoms.
Low weight gain.
Diminished growth.
Unresponsiveness.
Delays in development.
Regresses to earlier behaviors such as tantrums or bedwetting.
Demands unusual amounts of attention.
Changes sleeping and eating patterns.
Preschooler
Persists in wishful thinking that the divorce is not happening.
Does not understand the concept of divorce, time, cause and effect.
Does not want to separate from parents.
Fears parents will not return.
Regresses to earlier behaviors such as thumb sucking.
Feels responsible for being bad and causing the divorce.
Attempts to control environment and others.
Expresses fears unrelated to divorce.
Schoolage
Attempts to get parents to interact with each other.
Tries to cause parents to fight again.
May fear abandonment and reject parent.
Fear that parents will stop loving them and divorce them.
Blames one parent for divorce.
May use illness, misbehavior or school problems to get parents together.
Teenage
Peers as important as family.
Emotionally and physically distanced from family.
Increased reliance on peers.
Worry that family relationships will affect peer relationships.
Critical of parents.
Embarrassed by parents.
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Resists Change.
Resists parent’s new partner.
Unaccepting of parent’s new lifestyle.
Fears abandonment or replacement.
Overly concerned about parents’ dating and sexual behavior.
Tries to reunite parents or wishes for reconciliation.
Strong Feelings
Feels torn between parents, may side with one parent.
Preoccupied with feelings of powerlessness, anxiety, loneliness, insecurity,
shame or embarrassment.
Feels responsible for the divorce.
Angry at one or both parents for divorce and disruption.
Feels deprived, neglected, rejected and becomes demanding.
Concerned about Absent Parent
Worries about never seeing parent again.
Believes one parent does not love them.
Fantasy that the absent parent will return.
Anxious when schedule for seeing each parent is unpredictable.
Intense longing for absent parent.
Social Problems
Difficulty sharing time or possessions.
Tries to control others and situations.
Acting out behaviors: truancy, lying, stealing, poor school performance.
Attempts to be the perfect child.
Rigid thinking.
Uncooperative.
Expresses doubts about the future.
Aggressive behavior.
Physical illness.
Premature sexual behavior.
Mistrusts intimacy.
Concerned about money.
Difficulty concentrating.
Assumes Adult Roles
Takes on adult roles, protective of parents.
Sensitive to parent conflict.
Worries about parents making it through divorce.
Frightened by parents’ neediness.
Companion to parent.
Upset by parents’ confusion.
Appears capable beyond years.
Plays role of absent parent.
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Guidelines
Here are some guidelines and suggestions for explaining divorce to children at each
stage of development. This lists includes parenting techniques to support the child’s
development and adjustment at each age.
Infant and Toddler
Secure routine.
Simple explanations.
Holding and cuddling.
Basic needs.
Verbal and physical assurance of love and protection.
Set limits and provide consistent follow through.
Parent needs to seek support from others.
Preschooler
Tell 1-2 weeks before a change.
Parent model.
Predictable, stable routine.
Make few changes.
Introduce necessary changes gradually.
Give verbal and physical reassurance.
Avoid unnecessary separation.
Assure child of your return.
Read aloud age appropriate books on family.
Encourage play.
School-age
Tell as soon as possible.
Needs sense of family.
Do family projects and activities.
Stable school and social activities with parents involved.
Reassurance that parents will continue as parents.
Be clear that divorce is permanent.
Encourage play and exercise.
Teenage
Tell as soon as possible.
Allow child time to handle feelings.
Structure and routine.
Avoid power struggles.
Be available.
Be clear that divorce is permanent.
Encourage relationship with other parent.
Encourage physical exercise.
Maintain parent role.
Maintain adult privacy.
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Arrangements for Being with the Non-custodial Parent
Age Location Length Minimum-Frequency Special Needs
Infant
child's home 1-4 hours 2 times each week regular routine
familiar surroundings
Toddler
outside 1 day 1 time each week take favorite objects
child's home no overnights along
maintain routine
Preschooler
outside overnight to 1 time each week take favorite objects
child's home 1 week and pets along
predictable pattern
Schoolage
outside weekend to 1 time each week belongings in each home
child’s home 6 weeks parent involvement in
school
church social activities
predictable pattern
Teenage
outside a few minutes 1 contact each week peer relationship and
child's home to 1 year or activities important
in child's dorm more independence and
or apartment mobility
employment
negotiable pattern
Source: Mahoney, S. (1987). A developmental view of visitation. Wichita Guidance Center, Children of Divorce Program.
Wichita KS.
Developmentally Appropriate Arrangements
More time together is generally better than less.
Children adjust better when parents are not hostile.
Greater distance requires greater effort.
Telephone calls, letter, fax and e-mail supplement time together.
Child’s needs take precedence over adult needs.
Explaining Visitation
Explain how the children will live with one parent and be with or stay with the other
parent. Avoid the use of the legal terms custody and visitation. These terms confuse
children. Expressions like “get to be with” or “visit” can add to the confusion. Use
expressions like “time spent”, not referring to visiting a relative like on a vacation.
Explain the arrangements as simply as you can. If the child understands calendars,
mark the calendar. If the child is very young, talk about being with the other parent just
a few days before the actual visitation.
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Be clear about other changes such as moving, changing schools, going to work, or
reduced income. Explain that there may be other changes in routines and household
chores. Reassure the children that you are a strong family and you will make these
adjustments and feel happy again.
Other Important Topics
"No blame. No shame."
Children need to know that there is no benefit in blaming the divorce on someone or
something. Sometimes we never know exactly how something like a divorce happened.
It just happens. Children may feel embarrassed or ashamed. These are normal
feelings but divorce is nothing to be ashamed of. Many people get divorced. Many
children have divorced parents. Our family is changing. It is not better or worse, just
different.
Avoid secrets
Some parents ask their children not to talk about the divorce. This defeats the purpose
of stress management and getting support from family, friends and professionals.
Children will talk about the divorce, to each other and to strangers. They want to test
the reactions of others. They want to know what others know about divorce. This is
how children learn and how they deal with their feelings.
Children as go betweens
Do not use your child as a go between to deliver child support payments, messages
and information to the other parent. Talk to each other directly. When the child shares
information about the other parent's new lifestyle, put your own feelings aside. Think
about the child's feelings. Protect the child's relationship and love for both parents. If
you find it difficult to respond calmly, just say "Oh." Do not ask a lot of questions. You
might ask what the child liked about it or calmly restate what the child said.
Some Serious Problems
What should a parent do if the child is in danger?
If visits become dangerous or the child refuses to spend time with the other
parent or resists going home:
1. Never tell your child that you do not want them to spend time with the other
parent.
2. Never encourage your child to avoid being with the other parent.
3. Never encourage your child to stay with you and not return home.
4. Get professional help if necessary.
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5. If necessary, arrange for a third party to be present so the child can safely
spend time with each parent.
If one parent abandons the child. Explain that this is not the child's fault. The other
parent loves them but does not know how to show that love. It is not because the child
was bad. It is not because the parent is bad. It is because life is tough or confusing for
the parent right now. Do not promise that things will or will never get better. Be realistic
but leave a door open for hope. Saying bad things about the other parent will damage
the child, the child's relationship with the other parent and the child's relationship with
you.
Flaws and Faults. Do not point out flaws and faults of the other parent. When you are
angry, do not say, "You are just like your father/mother!" When the child mentions
differences or you must explain different rules, be matter of fact. Discuss these as
differences without judgment. If the child has a problem with the differences,
encourage the child to talk with both parents about the problem. If this does not help
the situation, the parents may need to discuss the conflict. The parents decide when a
change is necessary. Encourage the child to think about the differences. When the
child is an adult, the child will choose which way to live.
Let Children be Children. Children do not become the man of the house or assume
other responsibilities when parents divorce. They remain children. When job stress,
financial problems, dating relationships and other adult issues get you down, get help.
Do not rely on your own resources or your children to help you. Children need to feel
that their parents can take care of themselves and their children, sometimes by getting
help. Do not burden your child with your problems. Do not expect your child to be your
friend and confidant. These are adult roles and inappropriate for children.
Threats to live with the other parent. Do not use threats. Threats are a dreadful
form of discipline. If you can not cope with parenthood, it may be a good idea for the
child(ren) to live with the other parent, at least for a while. Do not let your child use
threats. Threats give the child a false sense of power. Listen when your children talk
about where to live and why. Then as parents, make the appropriate arrangements.
Do not force children to choose.
Remarriage - Over half, 55-60% of remarriages end in divorce, but over 65%1 of
remarriages involving stepchildren fail. If you are considering remarriage, get
professional help for your marriage and your parenting roles before you make the
decision to remarry. Continue the professional help and join a support group to
give your new family a healthy chance.
Seek Help from a mental health professional in any of the following cases:
1. You and the other parent are unable to communicate with each other.
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2. Someone in the family is violent, has anxiety, depression or an alcohol or drug
problem.
3. People in the family are unable to talk about their feelings.
4. One parent is totally uninvolved with the child.
5. One parent or child shows delinquent or self destructive behavior.
6. Your child withdraws from normal everyday contact with other people.
7. Your child is having problems at school.
8. Your child is taking sides against either you or the other parent.
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Source: Ganong, L.H. and Coleman, M. (1994). Remarried family relationships, Thousand Oaks, CA. Sage.
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