FEBRUARY
The Purchase
Independent
PurchaseIndy@gmail.com Purchase’s Only Weekly News Source
1
2007
ISSUE 129
SUNY Tells
Residents to
“Butt Out”
By Jill Liptak
“Sorry guys, you can’t smoke in here. Next
time I’m writing you up,” an R.A. says to a group
of girls huddled in the foyer of Big Haus. Ex-
changing disgruntled looks they step out to face
the cold, cigarette in hand.
This time next year that could be you
outside your apartment. The SUNY Board of
Trustees has instated a smoking ban prohibiting
smoking in all residence halls and apartment
buildings owned or operated by SUNY. This
ban, which will take effect July 1st, will require
all smokers to remain a designated distance
away from apartments and entrance ways with
hopes of creating a more smoke-free environ-
ment for the campus community.
Photo By Sabrina Miller However, for a campus heavily populated
however, Connor resigned from the position of with both smokers and non-smokers, the new
Stood Coord Student Center Coordinator. smoking policy is receiving mixed results. While
its good intentions are acknowledged, sev-
Resigns After Fued “I chose to resign because this is some-
thing I have been dealing with for two semes- eral students are displeased with the ban. The
By Emily Farrell ters,” wrote Connors in a statement to The In- apartment complexes on campus have gener-
dependent. “This constant worrying about Alex ally been considered a “step-up” from dorm life,
Back in December, when most of us were and what he will throw my way next. I respect a more independent living situation allowing
cramming for finals and banging out 12-page Alex very much. I can’t stand the kid worth a students many of the luxuries of residing off-
term papers, Alex Malamy, the General Pro- damn but I respect him. I think he has an incred- campus. Many students feel that their individual
gramming Coordinator, was drafting a request ible vision for the Student Center...I think though rights are being compromised with the smoking
of impeachment for his fellow Executive Board the difference between me and Alex is my vision ban, and that it is a significant inconvenience.
member Cliff Connor. Connor, he said, who for the Student Center always included him but It is also important to note that students will not
had served as the Student Center Coordinator, his vision just could not truly include me.” be the only ones affected by the new policy;
was not doing his job well enough to warrant Admittedly, Cliff Connor stepped into a diffi- on-campus faculty must also adhere to the ban
his $3,000 a semester paycheck, and the Stood cult situation in May 2006 when he was elected and are not permitted to smoke within their main
was falling by the wayside. Student Center Coordinator. Following the elec- residencies.
“I have many complaints,” wrote Malamy in tion, which his opponent James Blinstrub won, “I anticipated this policy change from
his request, “all of which reflect that Mr. Con- the results were contested by Clinton Lowe, SUNY, as the entire country is moving toward
nor, during a semester in which all the building then head of OAPIA. Blinstrub was found to be restricting smoking,” said John Delate. “I have
needed was steady upkeep, a responsible and ineligible for the position due to his GPA, which mixed emotions, because I know that a number
well-informed staff, and communication from the was lower than the 3.0 requirement, and Con- of students will now be inconvenienced from
top, has proven himself incapable of performing nor was made Student Center Coordinator by this ban, but then again, a large number of stu-
in his duties, and therefore will likely be just as default. The outcome was as if Connor, who dents will know their living area is going to be
incapable for the more difficult tasks to come.” had no previous experience working with the smoke-free.”
The Senate was called to an emergen- Student Center, had been running unopposed. Regardless of the mixed feelings to the
cy meeting during finals week and asked to “Many people are not aware or just don’t new smoking policy, Purchase is not respon-
vote on whether or not the complaint showed remember the events of the election and how sible for the ban and therefore has no influence
grounds for impeachment. The Senate voted I came to hold the position,” said Connors. “It’s in the matter. Like a variety of different policies
for the Connor to go before the Judicial Board, never easy to be the first one, the first outsider that Purchase must abide to, the smoking ban
who would decide his fate. Before he could, Continued on Page 6... Continued on Page 8...
Required Film For
Books Not Looks Fort Ripoff
Page 4 Your Major Page 3
Page 5
The Purchase .
Independent
Established 2001
Founding Editor: Glen Parker
Chief Editor:
Emily Farrell This Week’s Issue: Smoking Ban
Web Editor: In Support: Shawn Ryder In Opposition: Evan M Sargent
Steven Tartick
Layout Editor: No smoking in on-campus SUNY housing – sweet. Whether you enjoy smoking or find it repugnant is ir-
Kaitlyn Sudol Now I understand, for all my smoking, hooka loving relevant. The new SUNY legislation prohibiting smok-
Assistant Editor: friends, this ban is a pain in the ass. For non-smokers ing in the apartments is a violation of our right to choose
Melissa Callery like me, it’s a breath of fresh air. All my friends have to whether we want to smoke or allow people to smoke in
Assistant Design and
do is go outside for a few minutes at a time – they don’t our homes.
Web Editor:
Sabrina Miller have to put up with the effects for days.. Do not think of this ban as simply an attack on ciga-
Office Manager: I don’t smoke, it’s my choice, I choose not to be rette smokers. While it may be easy for a cigarette smok-
Amanda Scigaj around it, and I like that. Smoking has been banned er to go outside, or light up on the way to class, imagine
Print Supervisor: from most every other public building I can think of – in- the difficulty of setting up and smoking a hookah outside.
Robert Stewart-Rogers cluding bars. It’s amazing to walk into a bar, have a few One of my favorite things about Purchase is hanging out
BackPage Bitch: drinks, and have a good time. It’s even better that I’m in the Olde after a long day, watching Adult Swim and
Alex Petrello not suffocating on second-hand smoke, which sucks smoking hookah with my friends. After finally being legal-
Humor Page: – I’ve been to more than one party at Purchase where ized amost exactly a year ago, hookahs are a vital part of
Charlie Diffenderfer
I can’t breathe from everyone smoking cigarettes. And Purchase culture, upon which this legeslation is a direct
Print Staff:
David Haack as I see it, those people who go outside to smoke, get to attack.
Graphic Design: meet other smokers, and in building relationships, they The residents of the apartments set rules and guide-
Sabrina Miller don’t get stuck with a non-smoker like me for a friend that lines for their home and visitors who are smokers abide
Business Manager: will vehemently deny them the right to smoke in my car. by them without legislation forcing them in one way or
Alice Gullotta Sure, it’s cold outside, but unless you’re a vicious chain the other. Having the responsibility to make decisions
Writers: smoker, you’re not going to be outside smoking all night regarding what you eat, if you smoke and how you live is
Melissa Callery long. the very nature of having an apartment at Purchase.
Patrick Cassels For me, I can stomach the clouds of smoke. I did Just last weekend I was in the New and this really
Karl Custer cool guy named Charlie came in and passed out cigars,
for years while my entire family smoked – except me. I
Emily Farrell
can live with people blowing smoke in my face – I’m okay and we all sat around smoking and talking. It was a sur-
Peter Foy
Arthur Larsen with that. What I cannot stand is the smell of tobacco prisingly nice night that would have been illegal under
Jill Liptak that seeps into my clothes, my jacket, even my hair. The the new legislation. We would have either been huddled
Shawn Ryder lingering smell is almost sheer hell, because even after outside, too cold for conversation or to enjoy ourselves,
Alaina Stamatis showering and washing my hair too many times in a sin- or the party would have been broken up with us getting in
Steven Tartick gle day, it’s still there. It’s the price I have to pay to be trouble as if we had been doing coke off a mirror on the
Magaly Velazquez friends with smokers, and I’ve been paying it for a long coffee table.
Comics: time. I put up with it because I had to. It’s as much of an The point is, people who do not like smoke should
Garry-Paul Bonesteel be able to talk with those who want to smoke and work
inconvenience for my friends to go outside and smoke,
GI Dave out a reasonable conclusion without making legislature
Robert Stewart-Rogers but I don’t think they’ll mind. They’ll put up with it be-
cause they have to. that forces one group to comply with the desires of an-
Miles Strand
Copy Editors: other.
Sable Yong
Amanda Scigaj
Melissa Callery
The Purchase Independent is a non-profit
newspaper, paid for by the mandatory student
activity fee.
The Independent welcomes submissions from
the readers. We are an open forum for campus
issues and comments about The Independent’s
coverage. We accept letters, articles, comics,
ads, and event listsings.
The deadline for submissions to be con-
sidered for publication in the following issue is
Tuesdays at eight. After that, you must bribe us
with candy.
Publication of submissions is not guaren-
teed, but subject to the discretion of of the edi-
tors.
We prefer that submissions come to
us electronically. Our e-mail address is:
PurchaseIndy@Gmail.com Backpage quotes
can be left in the Back Page box, a makeshift
container nailed to the wall outside the Media
Board Office, which is located on the first floor of
Campus Center North, room 1011.
Finally, no anonymous submissions will be
considered. Instead they will be turned into pro-
Bears signs for our Super Bowl party.
2 SOME THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT GROUNDHOGS BEFORE THAT YOU PROBABLY DON’T CARE TO KNOW NOW, EITHER: GOUNDHOGS AND WOODCHUCKS ARE
The Price Of Living who is an RA on the third floor of the building
said, “If you know who did some of these things,
In The Awesome you’re making everyone else suffer.” She stated
that she thought it would benefit everyone if
By Melissa Callery
people stood up and made those responsible
After returning from winter break, many take the blame instead of making everyone
residents of Fort Awesome were welcomed pay. Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
back by an unpleasant surprise: a bill saying If those who were responsible were turned
in or caught, they would be held personally re- Alright Purchase College, if I walk around
that they owed a total of $28.07 for damages campus and hear one more comment about the
done to the building. sponsible, instead of making the entire com-
bad ways in which you all have been broken up,
Many residents were aware that there was munity pay. According to Carrie Neal, the
I am going to scream. While I do understand
significant damage done to the building, but had Residence Coordinator of Fort Awesome, “If
that receiving a text message in the middle of
no idea it would cost them this much in housing someone is caught they will be brought through class that says, “I think we should see other
damages. Residents were billed for everything the campus judicial system and might also face people” is not a lot of fun, it is not the worst way
from $.37 for broken beer bottles, to a whopping criminal mischief charges through the Universi- in which someone could break up with you.
$10.49 to repair the broken glass on a vending ty Police department, depending on the circum- I have compiled for you now some of the
machine. John Delate summed up how these stances.” far worse ways in which your significant other
prices were determined: “Facilities computes But the Res Life Staff in the building are could really end things:
the cost of labor and supplies to repair the par- hopeful that the amount of damages will drasti- The Roommate: You have been dating
ticular damage and gives us the final bill. We cally decrease, and even disappear during the John for 6 months now and things seem to be
divide the total damage billing among the 309 spring semester. Last semester, Kelly Hawking, going really well, you think he is the greatest.
students in the building and charge each stu- the Senator for Fort Awesome in the PSGA, pro- But, you see, John thinks you’re demanding
dent his/her share.” posed a special task force to patrol the building and your Charles in Charge memorabilia is kin-
Many living in the Fort were not only angry after the RA’s are off duty. The proposed action da creepy. John decides its times to end things.
about the bill, but the fact that they were paying is now backed by Neal and the Res Life Staff. Being quite the coward, John calls your apart-
for the vandalism caused by only a few people. Those in charge are also hoping that the ment, but you’re not there. Steve, the nice, neat
“It’s annoying that everyone has to pay when Craigslist roommate who you never talk to, an-
bill will force students to become responsible for
it’s only a few assholes that are doing this,” swers the phone: “Oh hey Steve, is Beth there?”
their dorm, and take actions to hold their respon-
expressed Maura Ryan, who moved into Fort “No, she isn’t,” Steve replies. “Oh that sucks, lis-
sible peers accountable. Catania James urged
Awesome in the middle of last semester, but still ten can you deliver a message for me?” “Sure.”
that if anyone has information on the cause of
received a full bill. In response to those students “Tell Beth, I think we need a break, I know it’s a
damages, they should get in contact with their
who are upset because they are being charged lot to ask but I’d owe you big. If she asks why tell
for damages they didn’t cause, Delate said this: RA or Neal. She also mentioned that the name
her, it’s me not her or something.”
“We all recognize that not every student was of the person who gave the information would
See, that is FAR worse than receiving a
directly responsible for the damages; however, most likely be kept confidential. text message. But it could get worse!
as residents of the building everyone has a The unexpected bill will hopefully force the The Doctor: You haven’t been feeling
responsibility to keep the area clean and dam- residents of Fort Awesome to take better care well for awhile. In fact you are pretty convinced
age-free. By holding everyone accountable for of their building, whether it is taking care of the you are dreadfully ill. Your girlfriend, Lauren, is
the residence hall, each student has a personal building, or turning in those responsible for the there by your side at the doctor’s office. She
stake in the condition of the building, and this major damages. With all the effort put in by the came along because she and your doctor are
keeps the damages to a minimum. Res Life Staff and residents, Delate said, “I am old friends. You and Lauren have only been to-
Many expressed anger because of people optimistic that we will have little or no damage gether for 6 weeks so you feel great that she is
who didn’t turn the vandals in. Catania James, billing for the spring semester.” I showing so much support for you. Lauren, how-
ever, thinks you grind your teeth when you eat
and have bad hair but sticks around because
you haven’t been feeling well and honestly she
doesn’t know how much more of you she can
take. You and Lauren head over to the doctor
to get her test results. Lauren pulls the doctor,
her good old friend, and says “Hey listen, I don’t
know what kind of news you are about to give
my girlfriend in there, but if its bad I can’t be
there because then I’ll have to stay with her.
Could you maybe tell her it’s over and then
whatever disease will make the break-up seem
minor?” Lauren‘s friend agrees, which also tells
you what kind of doctor he really is, and comes
into the room. You’re sitting there in that terrible
paper gown and wondering where Lauren is.
The doctor says “Hey, so listen I have a cou-
ple things to tell you. First, Lauren asked me
to let you know things really aren’t working out
between you two. Also, your test results came
back and well, it looks like you have Mono.”
See!? Far worse than a text message. Next
time you get mad at your friend’s date for tell-
ing him or her via Myspace message that they
could have found out it was over at a loved ones
funeral. Which, honestly would be a lot worse. I
I
ACTUALLY THE SAME ANIMAL. * HOW MUCH WOOD COULD A WOODCHUCK CHUCK IF A WOODCHUCK COULD CHUCK WOOD? ACCORDING TO NEW YORK’S CORNELL
3
THEATER REVIEW
Library Needs More “The books they have are very nice,”
shrugged Emily Jacobson, senior creative writ-
Spring Awakening Than A Facelift ing, “but they should have more. I got a White
By Steven Tartick Plains library card last semester. It changed my
By Alaina Stamatis life.”
Many Purchase students could care less Unable to see the plans for the future en-
about Broadway, and it’s hard to blame them. When filmmakers are enthralled by an art- trance, as were displayed during the construc-
Most of the shows currently running on the ist, they will pay tribute to the artist by referring tion of the Student Services building, most stu-
Great White Way are trite movie adaptations to his or her works in their movies. Woody Al- dents assume the addition will be ostentatious.
featuring screechy showtunes and gawdy de- len often pays homage to Fyodor Dostoevsky “Now you can go from the Crayola box straight
sign. With ticket prices rising and content grow- and Cole Porter. Billy Crystal mirrors Woody into the library,” exclaimed Atiya Jones, junior
ing fluffier every year, it would seem that our Allen’s films in When Harry Met Sally. And liberal studies, mocking the Student Services
demographic was of no interest to Broadway Doug Wright, in the greatest form of cinematic building. She call the book-barren library’s con-
producers. Thankfully, we have once again worship, wrote a play and screenplay on the life struction, “its new entrance to emptiness.”
been given a reason to make the trek to New of the Marquee De Sade called, Quills. It is not merely literature that the Purchase
York for a night at the theater with Spring Awak- In these endeavors, the filmmakers deeply library could bulk up on. According to Jason
ening, the scorching new musical that opened hope that their viewers, in turn, will become Kachadourian, junior art and design, the library
last semester at the Eugene O’Neill theater. familiarized with the artist they have appreci- has a poor selection of books on contemporary
What makes Spring Awakening so ap- ated for so long. Such was the reaction Wright art. “My friend was visiting and he said, ‘This
pealing for the Purchase crowd is its unfiltered inspired in me. I visited the Purchase College is your library? It’s so small! And it’s the only
presentation of the awkward prepubescent library to take out Justine, De Sade’s most cel- one?’ The collection of all the books is rather
fumblings that every student here can relate ebrated book. small, and it’s disorganized.” Another art and
to. While we were able to discover our sexual- The only thing to be found: a biography of design junior, granted anonymity to whine, re-
ity in a modern, semi-progressive society, the the Marquee De Sade written entirely in French. marked that Indiana University, with a popula-
characters at the center of Spring Awakening And the one phrase I remember from high tion about eight-and-a-half times that of SUNY
learned the hard way. Set in Germany in the school French is, “Est-ce que je puis allez au la Purchase, has 16 libraries.
late 19th century, the musical depicts what hap- toilette?” (May I go to the bathroom?) Peter Olshansky, senior liberal arts, has a
pens when the discovery of sexuality is not from The only building currently undergoing ex- friend attending Cal Arts, outside of Los Ange-
a 4th grade teacher or lunchroom gossip, but treme construction on SUNY Purchase’s cam- les, CA, which is often considered SUNY Pur-
instead from intense bodily exploration. pus is the library, which, among other features, chase’s main competition, especially for dance
It might seem as though a musicalized up- is adding a new entry way on the Mall, located and music students. Olshansky feels that unlike
date of a century old German play might be a tad on the side opposite of the present entrance. Purchase, Cal Arts promotes interdisciplinary
stale. However, the modern rock score written Originally planned to be completed by the Fall projects between different conservatory-esque
by Duncan Sheik, combined with the ingenious semester of 2007, the website now loosely majors. “That’s what the library should be for
staging by Michael Mayer give the show a vibe mentions completion by sometime in the year students.” Olshansky would like to see the li-
that’s more like standing in the Student Center 2007, but administrative officials say that such brary as a place for creative melding on cam-
for a concert than sitting in a Broadway theater. is not a promise. The new entrance is part of a pus, rather than a “poorly lit” spot that students
Using the best directorial gimmick since John wide-scale effort to make the Purchase campus dread studying in.
Doyle shoved a tuba into Mrs. Lovett’s hands, more attractive to prospective students. “It’s ghetto,” remarked Jeana Bonacci, se-
Mayer has all of the actors produce handheld “The should have better books,” com- nior literature. “I doubt there’s a book in there
mics for all of the musical numbers. One would plained Andrew Nico, senior literature, who was that dates past ’98.” In the library’s defense,
think that this would come off as yet another seated Indian-style outside of the library. He it has 5,516 books that were written in 2004,
mild attempt to inject something modern into a had also searched the shelves for books by De 4,429 books that were written in 2005, and 2,534
period piece. Instead, it drives home the per- Sade, and added, “They don’t have any Bu- books that were written in 2006. Librarians
tinent fact that these characters problems are kowski books. They have a couple, but they’re were unable to confirm that the comparatively
just as real today. more commentary.” low number of present-year books is related to
If anybody is feeling a sense of deja vu after Through the library directory, I searched the construction of the entrance. “The shame
reading about a modern rock opera that deals for Charles Bukowski. Slightly contrary to what about the library is that it’s really beautiful,” Bo-
frankly with sex, you’re not the first. Spring Nico had noted, several of Bukowski’s nmovles nacci said, referring to the skylight above the
Awakening has drawn more than a few com- and collections of short stories, albeit the less four-way staircase in the center of the library.
parisons to the aging rock opera also running popular and more obscure works, were re- Currently, most of the stairs have tape
on Broadway, Jonathan Larson’s RENT. While turned in my query. I looked up Dostoevsky and holding the carpet together, which is covered
it’s true that they both update older works with 99 books returned, including most of his works with black gum spots and stains from leaking.
rock music and deal with issues of sexuality, the and a healthy amount of theory-based books. Small garbage pales are placed haphazardly to
comparison ends there. The primary theme of Inquiring then on Nickolai Gogol, I received 48 cath the rain that seeps through the ceiling win-
Spring Awakening is far more universal than the answers back. I was a little confused but im- dows.
trials and tribulations of AIDS-stricken home- pressed and happy. “And the furniture hasn’t changed since
less bohemians in the streets of New York City. I had recently finished a book of collected Purchase opened,” laughed Bonacci. “I’m not
We’ve all had to go through that awkward, un- essays by celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain, asking for leather couches, but at least some-
comfortable, frightening and downright fucking who, despite appearing multiple times on the thing that I could feel is sanitary enough to sit
exciting period - the magical time called puberty. New York Times Bestseller list, is not repre- on.” The forest green couches of the library
If you’re nodding your head (or cowering in ter- sented in our library. I checked the directory for are the exact texture of obsolete airplane Flota-
ror) over the recollection of this time in your life, a food writer that preceded Bourdain’s genera- tion Device seats and, like the carpet, are also
Spring Awakening will show how universal this tion, Nicolas Freeling, as I intended to follow his speckled with old gum.
emotional struggle can be. For those of you novels as well. The library directory responded Patrick Cassels, senior literature, recalled
whose transition into teenagerdom was pain- that it did have one of his books in stock, so I a night in which he was studying in the base-
less (marked by perfect teeth and perfect skin), went to the basement shelves in hot pursuit. ment “cages” and could overhear architects
now is your chance to see the unending angst The section I was lead to consisted entirely make jokes about the library’s outdated interior
that engulfed the rest of us, you inhuman fuck.I of English criticism books from the mid-1960’s, design.”They were saying that they expected to
Additional writing by Kaitlyn Sudol and Freeling’s book was nowhere to be found. Continued on Page 9...
4 UNIVERSITY, THE ANSWER IS ROUGHLY 700 POUNDS. THIS ESTIMATE WAS MADE BY A WILDLIFE BIOLOGIST WHO MEASURED THE INSIDE VOLUME OF A TYPICAL
Movies By Major SCIENCE
MacGyver (1985-1992)
Confessions Of A
By Patrick Cassels True, MacGyver is a television series, not a
movie. But the titular scientist-cum-secret agent
Telemarketer
When I was nine, my dad took me to the By Jill Liptak
at the show’s center can do more with a ball-
multiplex to see Jurassic Park, and for the next point pen and a can of hairspray than all the
two years I was completely and utterly con- Somehow despite Thanksgiving break,
gadgets 007 could ever carry. He constructed a despite Friendlys, FYE, the local movie theater
vinced my future lay in digging up dinosaur
lie detector out of a blood pressure gauge and and the pet store at the mall.... (Yes, even the
bones—until I learned this career would not, in
an alarm clock. He unscrewed hot light bulbs pet store at the mall), I found myself at the be-
fact, involve feeding lawyers to a Tyrannosau-
with a cardboard tube. He made a bazooka out ginning of winter break in the particularly sorry
rus rex or sleeping with Laura Dern.
of bamboo (yes, a bazooka). And he did it all state of unemployed.
Though my paleontological aspirations
with a perfect head of long brown hair. What It had appeared that, regardless of my best
faded, Spielberg’s film did teach me a valuable
lesson: nothing romanticizes a profession like a more can one ask for? efforts to join the group of “those college kids
good movie. (It also taught me not to fuck with who take all the jobs” I had been left behind.
DNA, but that’s not really relevant to this article.) ENGLISH And what does one do when they are left be-
This lesson is most relevant to the college stu- Dead Poets Society (1989) hind? Perhaps I attempt to teach myself the gui-
dent in these bleak winter months, which can Remember that time your English teacher had tar, contemplate a youtube blog, and after the
extinguish the academic enthusiasm of even you rip up your textbook and told the class to fourth day of sleeping way into the afternoon, I
the most eager pupil. What follows is a rudi- “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may?” Neither do stumble upon the Research Center*.
mentary list of top-notch flicks to maintain your I. Then again, I never studied under the tutelage With a name like Research Center one
passion—and grades—for everything from the of Robin Williams. In typical Mork & Mindy fash- may expect genetic engineering or laboratory
Pythagorean Theorem to the territorial history ion, Prof. Williams uses unorthodox and eccen- product testing, something that vaguely exem-
of the Byzantine Empire. tric tactics to teach his students the underlying plifies the scientific anticipation of its name.
humanity of literature—a theme that resonates But alas, if its positions were really that cool I
HISTORY even today, when ripping up a textbook is tanta- would have never considered shoving popcorn
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) mount to grand larceny. into a paper bag as a more preferable option.
The Indiana Jones trilogy contains more excit- The “research” of the Research Center stood
ing booby traps than that final round of Legends for market research and this market research
ART
of the Hidden Temple, but only in the last film do meant five hours in a large room with a cubicle,
The Joy of Painting (1983-1995)
we get to see Dr. Jones trade in his bullwhip and a phone, and a list of numbers.
Through the generosity of public television, Bob
revolver for a pair of reading glasses. To find I often wondered who developed phone
Ross, The Joy of Painting’s pleasant, Jewfro-ed surveys, in my experience whether reading or
the Holy Grail, Indy must meticulously study the host, taught America the simple pleasure of put-
Latin references in the diary of his historian-fa- completing them, I have found them cumber-
ting brush to canvas as he added “happy little some, redundant, and excruciatingly irritating.
ther, played by Sean Connery, who also exudes trees” and fluffy clouds to his oil landscapes
scholarly wisdom, elegantly quoting the eighth- But for $9 an hour, I quickly discovered a new-
day after day for over a decade. Ross was like found appreciation. So, I ventured down a one-
century king Charlemagne after taking down a that old teacher with the mellow voice that lulled
Nazi fighter plane using only his umbrella and a way street of corporate acronyms every night at
you into an almost Zen-like state of relaxation, 5 o’clock (just in time to catch everyone sitting
flock of seagulls.
assuring even the most amateur painters, “We down for dinner) and became an employee of
don’t make mistakes. We just have happy ac- telemarketing.
MATH
cidents.” It’s easy to hate yourself when you’re watch-
Good Will Hunting (1997)
The film that launched the careers of Matt Da- ing the clock and contemplating how to ask for
mon and Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting also UNDECLARED Mr. lastnamewithnovowelsandwaytoomanyqs.
Back to School (1986) The world of telemarketing, as you may have
has also had some positive effects. It showed
Back to School is a film that celebrates the nobil- guessed, isn’t a particularly invigorating one. I
that glasses, schizophrenia, or being played by
ity of college for it’s own sake. Rodney Danger- never really chatted with the other callers, many
Dustin Hoffman isn’t a prerequisite for math-
field plays a 50-year-old self-made millionaire of which were at least twice my age and a hand-
ematical genius, and that one can still go out
who enrolls in his son’s to finally get some of ful of white haired old ladies pushing 80.
and get shit-faced with his or her friends when
that “respect” he’s always talking about. A thor- I sometimes considered that the calling
he’s done cracking infinitely complex theorems.
oughly ‘80s film, Back to School also includes room may be filled with either the dullest or
The film also inspired a thousand drunken reci-
all sorts of delightful period clichés, including an most interesting individuals imaginable; how
tations of the phrase, “How do you like them
impromptu performance by Oingo Boingo, and it was exactly, that a normal looking forty-five
apples?” and that, my friends, is priceless.
year old man ended up with a career asking a
the requisite uptight British professor who, of
stranger about laundry detergent. And as quiet
course, gets his comeuppance by the third act. I
as all the callers were amongst each other, they
opened up to the person on the other end of
the receiver revealing skill, grace, and an un-
imaginable ability for small talk. Not exactly fak-
ing it but not quite themselves, I continuously
witnessed each caller transform at “hello”. The
tone of their voice changed, their mannerisms
animated. Hell, they even sat up straighter in
their chairs. Bonds were built with phrases like
“I know what you mean” and “I hear ya”.
And why? Because there is no better disguise
then the telephone. There is a freedom in the
idea that the stranger on the other end has no
idea who you are, and in that case, you could
Continued on Page 9...
WOODCHUCK BURROW AND SURMISED THAT IF THE HOLE WAS FILLED WITH WOOD INSTEAD OF DIRT, THE ANIMAL WOULD HAVE CHUCKED ABOUT 700 POUNDS.
5
Education for the “Student Center” from Front Page...
to come in and change the dynamic of a group.
an on-call type of job.”
Malamy also stated that Conner was not
Wealthy? I came in with little or no support from Mr. Mala-
my who simply felt as though I did not belong
giving the building proper upkeep and that it
The Rising Costs of Education was filthy and full of trash.
there.”
“It is my understanding that only one Stu-
By Magaly Velazquez Malamy made no secret about his reluc-
dent Center employee actually knows where the
tance to work with Connor. “What strikes at the
dumpster that trash is to be taken to is, and that
Affordable public education is key to pro- core of [my difficulties with Connor] is a conver-
they are the only one who actually fulfills this re-
tecting the shrinking middle class and helping to sation Mr. Connor and I had just after the elec-
sponsibility of removing trash from the building,”
lift people out of poverty. SUNY officials need to tions last year--after James had been elected,
stated the complaint.
put students and families higher on their list of and before he was ‘un-elected’ by the judicial
On top of regular duties, Connor had to
priorities. Their recent proposal to raise tuition board,” Malamy told the Indy. “Quite simply,
handle the ongoing construction on the Stu-
for each new incoming class, starting in 2008, Mr. Connor had told me he felt that James was
dent Center, a project that was initiated when
will be a hardship on students who are already better suited for the job and he was happy with
Malamy held the position. The nature of the
struggling to pay for school. High education- the turnout of the election. However, when the
job, the duties of which are only loosely stated
al costs are already putting many students in vote was overturned in Mr. Connor’s favor and
in the PSGA Constitution as “Shall hire staff and
difficult financial situations. Some are working $6,000 fell on his plate, instead of declining the
coordinate the operations of the Student Center
two jobs; others are leaving college with huge appointment and allowing James the opportu-
pending funding provided by the Senate” and
amounts of debt. In fact, the average public col- nity that he was, you know, better suited for, Mr.
“Shall ensure the smooth and efficient operation
lege student in New York graduates with more Connor took the position.”
of the Student Center,” now also included work-
than $15,000 of debt. This tumultuous beginning caused a ten-
ing directly with the contractors to try to get the
With class sizes increasing and energy sion on the Executive Board between Connor
project completed and the Student Center open
costs on the rise, it’s obvious that SUNY needs and Malamy, the ultimate culmination being the
for business as soon as possible. Among the
more funding to better serve students. The so- impeachment and Connor’s resignation. Con-
laundry list of complaints that Malamy present-
lution, however, should not be to inflict automat- nor said that Malamy’s unwillingness to work
ed to the Senate, one was Connor’s handling of
ic annual tuition hikes onto students and their with him caused a lot of the problems that Mala-
the construction process.
families. Tuition hikes should be a last resort, my brought up in his complaint. In one part of
One section of the complaint reads: “There
not a first option. the complaint Malamy wrote: “It is not uncom-
were two evenings during the time in which a
Thirty years ago, in order to help keep edu- mon that I receive desperate phone calls from
foundation was being dug in front of the building
cation affordable, the state of New York pledged students trying to get into the building to either
for a canopy, that the work area was not prop-
to pay up to 40 percent of the expenses to attend work their shift, or set up the stage, or get into a
erly secured with adequate fencing. I am not
community colleges. The state, however, has room that a key for which is missing. I have had
blaming Mr. Connor right off for this act of ne-
failed to keep up its end of the bargain. Once to open for tech services a few times, as well as
glect, but he was unaware of the fact until I had
again, with the proposed indexed tuition plan to lock up at the end of the night. I do not work for
called him with my grievance over the matter.
increase tuition each year, it will be difficult to the Student Center any longer but I have a key
Had a weekly or even biweekly dialogue been
hold the state accountable, predict student costs because my job often requires my presence in
established between Connor and the contractor
and prevent big tuition hikes. Students in other the building.”
this could have probably been avoided.”
states that use indexed tuition policies have still Connor rebutted this statement, saying that
“There are some issues in Alex’s complaint
faced whopping tuition hikes above and beyond it was Malamy’s own fault for not filling him in on
that I can say are true,” Connor said. “What
the annual, automatic increases during years of show times or even getting him all of the proper
people don’t realize is how many complaints
fiscal austerity. keys that he needed in the first place.
Alex made, there were almost 14 different para-
Additionally, the New York State Court of “I was always getting calls during the se-
graphs of complaints. I am just one man and I
Appeals decisions assert again and again that mester from people asking me about equipment
am not an idiot. I would have to have half my
policy decisions made now cannot limit the pol- in the Student Center,” he said. “When I would
brain removed in order to make that many mis-
icy options of lawmakers in the future. Short of ask them where they were, they would already
takes. There are the points in the report that I
changing the state constitution, it is impossible be in the building. They would have gotten a key
am responsible for and then there are things
to hold a future legislature to any promise of fu- from Alex or they would have just walked in. .
Alex is responsible for.
ture support and, knowing this state’s record of .The building was often not locked because I
“Anytime you start a new job you will make
broken promises with the community colleges, was not receiving consistent scheduling of Mr.
mistakes,” he continued. “I feel though for Alex
it is very likely that these plans will just keep Malamy’s programming. With no scheduling
these mistakes would have seemed less if made
increasing the cost and eroding public support there is no staff. You can’t just schedule a staff
by James and not me.” I
for our colleges. if you’re notified a day before a show--this is not
The state owes students and their families
the benefit of a thorough public debate each
Steve Ringwald: The New Stood Dude
On January 24, the PSGA Senate appointed Steve Ringwald as the new Student Center Coordina-
and every time a tuition hike is considered. An- tor. A junior Drama Studies major, Steve has worked at the Stood since 2005 and was Assistant
nual tuition hikes will make it too easy for the Manager last semester.
state to pull public dollars out oh higher educa- Indy: What are your hobbies?
tion and offset them with tuition. If the proposal SR: Acting, music, I’m very big into music, mostly the writing and per-
for automatic annual tuition hikes in the SUNY forming aspect. Shameless self plug: Feb. 15, a band I play drums in,
and CUNY system is approved, it will be unjust- Gentle Ben, will be playing at the Student Center.
ly denying access to higher education to many
of those who greatly want to succeed. What are your plans for the Student Center?
Last year, NYPIRG successfully won I I want anything that’s in there that’s sub-par equipment to be out. I
what has been called “the best higher educa- want to set up a private lounge area with carpeting that could be for
tion budget in a generation,” enhancing TAP relaxing. To expand out of just the center room so that there’s more
and increasing SUNY funding for full-time fac- to do in all the different rooms and to try to accommodate as many
ulty. Student Leaders Lobby Day, scheduled for different people as I can.
Wednesday, March 7th, will offer New York’s
best and brightest students a chance to come What’s one fact about yourself?
Continued on Page 9... I’ve lived in all but two buildings on campus. I’ve gotten around.
6 COMPARED TO BEAVERS, HOWEVER, GROUNDHOGS ARE NOT PROFICIENT AT MOVING TIMBER—ALTHOUGH SOME WILL CHOMP WOOD. * GROUNDHOG DAY GREW
I
Second Nature By Robert Stewart-Rogers
meet Steve Ring-
wald!
......Jane, his wife!
By Miles Strand By GI Dave
OUT OF A MAINLY GERMAN SUPERSTITION THAT IF A HIBERNATING ANIMAL CASTS A SHADOW FEBRUARY 2 -- THE CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY OF CANDLEMAS -- WINTER WILL
7
MOVIE REVIEW Children of Men will find its home in plenty of
film classes. The cinematography in this film is
Pan’s Labyrinth and simply superb. One particular scene portrays
the main characters escaping through a battle
Children of Men zone...almost entirely in one single take! If films
By Peter Foy can continue to do shots like this then we’ll have
some truly breathtaking cinema to look forward
Wow 2006 was a helluva movie year! In too.
past years it had seemed to me that movie As mentioned before, the only film this year
ideas had grown stale and even the anticipated that parallels it is Pan’s Labyrinth (which Cuaron
big-budget popcorn movies (such as King Kong actually helped produce). Director Guilermo del
and Revenge of the Sith) were ultimately disap- Toro has made a name for himself in the states
pointing. This year, however, we just seemed to with some comic book derived movies (Hellboy,
have one great movie after another, from the in- Blade II), but Pan’s Labyrinth is without a doubt
geniously original road-comedy Little Miss Sun- his first masterpiece. Taking place in 1940s
shine to Daniel Craig’s brilliant reestablishment Spain, the plot centers on a twelve-year old girl
of James Bond in Casino Royale. With so many named Ofelia. Ofelia is an imaginative child who
A-listers this past season, it’s difficult to choose takes comfort in her fairy tale books. It’s these
an overall best film of 2006. I myself was only stories which help her escape from the harsh
able to narrow it down to two: Guilermo del To- realities of life, most notably the presence of her
ro’s Pan’s Labyrinth and Alfonso Cuaron’s Chil- sadistic military captain step-father. Through
dren of Men. Interestingly, both of these marvel- her imagination, Ofelia envisions a fairy tale
“Smoking” from Front Page.. ous films are helmed by Mexican directors. entirely of her creation, where she must com-
was determined by The SUNY Board of Trust- Alfonso Cuaron, a native Mexican, has plete a series of tasks so that she may become
ees and is mandatory for all SUNY schools, not already made his mark as an excellent direc- a princess.
just Purchase individually. Therefore, the possi- tor in prior films. His road movie, “Y Tu Mama There have been other sources that have
bility of creating more non-smoking apartments Tambien” was widely acclaimed and his take mixed fantasy and historical fiction together,
wasn’t an option. However, although currently on “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” but Pan’s Labyrinth does it so well. The fantasy
estimated between 15-25 feet, the campus is is considered the best of the film adaptations. world is portrayed as both dark and morbid,
planning to have a discussion regarding the re- Children of Men, however, is quite possibly his but it is also undeniably beautiful. Doug Jones
quired smoking distance from apartments and best movie to date. plays several of the bizarre creatures that Ofelia
student input on the subject is strongly encour- Considering the state of affairs the world meets in her trek, and his movements are noth-
aged. is in right now, there really is no better time for ing short of astounding. Although, the fantasy
The SUNY smoking ban is an extension this film to be released. Following in the trend aspects of the film are the main attraction, the
of many sci-fi films that depicts bleak dystopian reality-based story is nothing to sneer at. Por-
The NYS State Government’s smoking ban on
futures, Alfonso’s vision is nothing short of un- traying the aftermath of the Spanish Civil War,
all public buildings, creating a specific inclu-
settling. Set in England in the year 2027, when Pan’s Labyrinth displays the brutality of the fas-
sion of residential state buildings. And although
women are no longer fertile, Clive Owen stars cist regime controlling Spain at the time. While
some students may deem the new policy unfair,
as a distraught warden who has lost all hope at times the audience may feel that they just
it is important to consider the motivation behind
for mankind. This all changes, though, when he want to stay in Ofelia’s magical world, by the
the ban. In a culture becoming increasingly un- film’s end you’ll realize how important the two
gets involved with a rebel alliance and discov-
accommodating to the smoking public one must stories go in synch.
ers they are harboring a miraculously pregnant
admit that perhaps such a ban isn’t unexpect- I can not recommend either of these films
women.
ed. enough. They’re not just the best films of 2006,
Although set twenty years in the future,
“I think that our students are pretty aware they’re simply the best films in years. I feel that
Children of Men’s setting is very familiar. There
of the risks and effects of smoking, and are not are no huge leaps in technology in this day and both of these films are going to be ignored by
entirely surprised or outraged by the ban,” said age and government propaganda and enforce- the academy come the Oscars, but fuck that.
Valerie Weaver, PSGA President. ment are more prevalent than ever. This all Guilermo del Toro and Alfonso Cuaron have
The affect the smoking ban will have on helps to heighten the realism and create a com- made instant classics that will be admired and
the campus is still unknown, but some specu- pletely believable world. Besides conveying a chronicled for decades. I feel that this is the sin-
late that it may influence a decline in student post-apocalyptic England so well, the film-work gle greatest accomplishment that any film can
smokers. used is nothing short of exemplary. I expect that hold. I
“National studies have revealed that when
students live in smoke-free residential areas,
fewer students begin smoking and a percent-
age of the students who smoke do quit, partly
because of the inconvenience,” said Delate.
“I do not know what factors in to someone’s
decision to quit smoking, but I think the deci-
sion was made with the intention of discourag-
ing smoking among students in general,” said
Weaver.
Whether or not students will abide to the
new smoking policy is yet to be seen, but for
the sake of a cleaner and healthier environ-
ment many hope so. Intended to be beneficial
to the community, the new smoking ban may be
a breath of fresh air for a significant number of
Purchase students while leaving smokers out in
the cold. I
8 I
LAST ANOTHER SIX WEEKS. IF NO SHADOW IS SEEN, LEGEND SAYS SPRING WILL BE EARLY. * THE ADULT GROUNDHOG WEIGHS ABOUT 10 POUNDS. FIND SOME-
“Library” from Page 4... for the students.” Eilbert then headed to the li-
see shaggy green carpet and beanbag chairs brary.
everywhere.” Christopher Gavlick from the department
Bonacci briefly attended Monroe Com- of Capital Facilities Planning was unable to
munity College and mentioned that, “they had comment on the cost of the library construction,
private study rooms with a key and you could but such can be conceptually broken down. If Aries (March 21-April 19) The old adage of
borrow a laptop. It was like you had your own the library construction costs one million dol- picturing others in their birthday suits to stave
personal office to work in.” Bonacci does not lars, which is obviously a much lower cast than off stage fright and public nervousness proves
feel comfortable bringing her laptop to the study the actual figure, the money spent on it could ineffectual in saunas and steam and locker
cages in the basement of the library for fear that have been appropriated for: 75 new Mac desk- rooms.
it would be stolen. She feels especially sore top computers with 24-inch monitors, six Xerox Taurus (April 20-May 20) Your resistance to
that she is not able to bring a cup of coffee into color laser printers (with $400 rebate), 10 leath- peer pressure on cold winter days yields dry
the library when she feels that the computers er couches (each seating seven), 1,000 DVDs, cracked surfaces and rough textures.
are sub par. Half-empty cups line the (current) nine Andy Warhol watercolor paintings, and still Gemini (May 21-June 20) There can be little
entrance, and students can often be seen chug- have roughtly $672,600 to buy books by the ill gained from discrimination used at appre-
ging caffeine before entering the library. Bonac- Marquee de Sade, Charles Bukowski, Anthony hensive moments. Moments like declining to
ci asserts that in other libraries with “superior Bourdain, and anyone else forgotten from our share ice cream cones. Gross.
technology,” she was allowed to bring in drinks current collection. Cancer (June 21-July 22) Imagine your ideal
and food to consume while working. My favorite feature of the library, one of the mate—the one who possesses every single
Each floor only has one working printer, most interesting things on campus and, in turn, attractive trait to you and none of what you
and there are no longer staplers available any- Westchester county on the whole, is a table- don’t like. Now work up the nerve to introduce
where. size model from the 1960’s of a plan for the yourself and have a nice chat. Maybe get his
“I feel like it’s a punishment for people who school. It illustrates a vision of SUNY Purchase, or her digits. Having accomplished this, there
don’t have printers of their own,” sighed Nata- the youngest college in the State University of is little else that you will find insurmountable.
lie Eilbert, junior creative writing and literature. New York system, as a new SUNY Albany or Leo (July 23-August 22) Observe the habits
“It’s just a huge, confusing, printer shuffle. And SUNY Buffalo: large, massively populated, and and manners of local wildlife this week; they
there are always more books on theories than inhabiting most of the woods that surround our will prove a shrewd augur for you as to what
the books themselves. Say you’re looking for comparatively miniature campus. But as the imminent disasters or triumphs will transpire in
Plato: if I could find the book and not a book forests continue coming down for new buildings the near future.
on the book, pages will be missing, or it’ll be so and recruitment appears more important than
Virgo (August 23-September 22) Chal-
old and yellow that the glue is going undone. current students, one wonders how antiquated
lenge the virtues of moderation this week and
Money should not go to decorating and making the 3-D figure is. Perhaps the institution is still introduce mass quantities of positive influence
the campus look pretty, but to making it better driving toward that goal, afterall. I and support into your daily life. This way, you
“Telemarketing” from Page 7... my breath when hung up on. I consisted in a will be able to gauge just how much of a good
be anyone. It is a liberty that allows people to world of rating systems and varying levels of fa- thing is too much. You know, just in case.
let down their guard, to let down their act, and vorability. Libra (September 23-October 22) This
perhaps become somebody else for that short All and all, I would have to say that my time week is a good week to become a “breakfast
time between “hello” and “goodbye.” spent at the “Research Center” was an experi- person.”
I never found myself particularly talented in ence, but perhaps more importantly a paycheck, Scorpio (October 23-November 21) If the
doing this. I fumbled on names, babbled aim- and a career path that I am somewhat likely, thought of checking your baggage makes you
lessly, and apologized too profusely when you somewhat unlikely, but most probably never go- uncomfortable, a trial “checking” of such “bag-
told me your dad was dead while your friends ing to walk down again. I gage” may prove to be a freeing experience.
laughed in the background. I lied continuously Or you could lose hefty amounts of personal
when I said “just a few more questions” when *Name of company changed to a similar sound- possessions which may or may not be of great
I really had three more pages and swore under ing name monetary and/or sentimental value. What a
gamble!
“Education” from Page 6...
Education campaign to ensure quality afford- Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
to Albany during budget negotiations, meet with
able education tuition affordable and funding Think about how many white lies you tell on
their legislators, and lobby for affordable and
for tuition assistance programs, please contact a weekly basis. Now put a dollar in a jar for
accessible higher education. We aim to re-
nypirg@purchase.edu 914-251-6986 and be each time you tweak, stretch, or discard the
cruit a corps of effective student leaders from
sure to attend our Student Action Meeting on truth (including by omission). You’ll be rich in
student government, campus media and other
Wednesday Feb.7th at 5:30pm in Southside. American currency and indebted to the bank of
student organizations. If you would like to at-
http://projectonstudentdebt.org I moral values!
tend Lobby Day or get involved in the Higher
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Find
your inner hunter with which to poach the inner
animals of others. Rawr.
Aquarius (January 20- February 18) A bit of
investigation will show you that curiosity has
not killed the cat—no, it has indeed made it
more cunning and better prepared for the new
and unexpected. The only matter is surviving
to prove this new development...
Pisces (February 19-March 20) A rampage
with a premeditated itinerary is no rampage at
all, but a war path. This however does not do
much to change the fact that your approach to
handling conflict is flawed and destructive.
THING THAT WEIGHS 10 POUNDS (LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES), PUT IT INTO A BROWN BURLAP SACK, AND GLUE ON COLORFUL FELT FEATURES FOR EYES, NOSE,
9
CLUBS WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY FRIDAY
Fencing Club, Small Gym, Gym-
nasium, 2:30-4 p.m. EVENTS
EVENTS National Layout Editor Apprecia-
Improv Auditions, Humanities EVENTS Art Club, Visual Arts Bldg. 2016, tion Day
Lobby, 8 p.m. Passion Party, Player’s Lounge, 8 p.m.
Campus Center North, 8 p.m. CLUBS
CoCOaS Meeting, Campus Alternative Clinic, Campus Cen- Fencing Club, Small Gym, Gym-
Center North 0003, 6 p.m. CLUBS ter South Basement, 5:30-8:30 nasium, 12-2 p.m.
UUP Pilates, Aerobics Studio, p.m.
CLUBS Gymnasium, 12 p.m. GLBTU, Campus Center South,
Anthropology Club, Clearview TUESDAY Rm. 0037
Lounge, Campus Center North, Hillel Service, Campus Center
7 p.m. North 0025, 7:15 p.m. EVENTS Yoga, Gymnasium, 7:30 p.m.
Natural & Social Science Lec-
Open Mic Night, Student Center, ture, Performing Arts
9 p.m SATURDAY Center, 7 p.m.
UUP Yoga, Gymnasium, 12 p.m.
CLUBS Women’s Health Education Now,
International Students Associa- EVENTS PTV Meeting, Campus Center Player’s Cafe, Campus Center
tion, Student Services Building Men’s Basketball, Gymnasum, South 0026, 10 p.m. North Second Floor, 8:30 p.m.
Fl. 2, 8 p.m. 2 p.m.
Commuter Student Association,
Drama League, Campus Center Women’s Basketball, Gymna- Commuter Lounge, 2 p.m. S.P.E.A.K. Bible Study, Clear-
North Rm. 007, 9 p.m. sium, 4 p.m. view Lounge, Campus Center
UUP Yoga, Aerobics Studio, North, 10 p.m.
Rhymebook, Alumni Village Gymnasium, 12 p.m.
Lounge, 9 p.m. SUNDAY Purchase Enviromental Activist
Club, SS1002
Art Club, Visual Arts Bldg. 2016, EVENTS Latinos Unidos, Campus Center 5:30 p.m.
8 p.m. Go Bears! Beat Colts! North Fl. 2, 10 p.m.
Film Society, Commuter Lounge,
Comic Book Liberation Army
presents Clerks: The Animated MONDAY Campus Center North, 10 p.m.
Series, Alumni Lounge, Campus Alternative Clinic, Campus Cen-
Center North, 7 p.m. EVENTS ter South Basement, 5:30-8:30
Underwater Laser Tag p.m.
Upcoming Shows
Brought to you by your GPC
(All Shows Held at the STUDENT CENTER unless otherwise noted)
Jan 31: Open Mic, Hosted by Bunty and Chonko, 9pm
Feb 2: Communication Corporation, General Miggs, and
more, 8pm
Feb 7: Kiss Kiss, Talibam, In The Ozone, 8pm
Feb 8: Dub Trio, Paper and Sand, Urban Fetch, 8pm
Feb 9: OffSpring (studio comp. majors and friends), 8pm
Feb 12: Doug Ratner, 8pm
Feb 13: The Wonders of the World Recite: a new PLAY
from the Missoula Oblangata (Located at South), 8pm
Feb 14: Open Mic, Hosted by Bunty and Chonko, 9pm
Feb 15: Gentle Ben, The Tomatoes, and more, 8pm
Feb 17: Silence the Feedback, The Rise And Fall, 7 And A
Switchblade, 8pm
Feb 19: Sunburned Hand of Man, Owl Xounds, Primordial
Undermind, 8pm
Feb 21: Open Mic, Hosted by Bunty and Chonko, 9pm
Feb 23: Ice Cream Luau, 8pm
Feb 26: Ramona Cordova, Mikey Die, and Welshrates (at
the Co-Op), 8pm
10 AND MOUTH. HAVE THE STUDENTS HOLD THE “HIBERNATING GROUNDHOG” DURING STORYTIME AS A SPECIAL REWARD. * HTTP://HOMEPAGES.ROOTSWEB.
I
FEBRUARY
Inquirerer
The Independent
1
2007
It’s like the Indy, except we make stuff up. ISSUE 129
Eight Things You Didn’t Know Octopus/Squid Violence Flares
About Lord of the Rings Star in Weekend Bloodbath
Viggo Mortensen “Haamactopus” By Charlie Diffenderfer
By Patrick Cassels
Viggo Mortensen is legally banished from North Dakota.
Viggo Mortensen’s grandfather was the grip who hung himself in the
background of The Wizard of Oz. It was all a hoax.
Viggo Mortensen’s brother almost died trying to lose weight on the Jared
Subway diet.
In 1996, a Montana State Trooper commandeered Viggo Mortensen’s
pickup truck to catch the Unabomber.
Viggo Mortensen still asks other celebrities for autographs. One time, at
the gym, Jeff Goldblum refused to give him one and told him to “fuck
off.”
Viggo Mortensen’s cousin coined the term “high five.” He gets two hun-
dred dollars every time someone says it on T.V.
Viggo Mortensen saw Guns N’ Roses live at Giants Stadium in 1987 when
they shot the music video for “Paradise City.” If you look closely, you can
see him in the front row, wearing a red bandanna.
Viggo Mortensen is on my Halo 2 squad. Dude, he sucks at Halo 2.
Clipped Wings
By Karl Custer
T’was a straight boring season, far below the cusp, The intensity grew, our voices rang high,
When several underdog teams crawled from the dust. “You can win, you fat bastards, Fly Eagles Fly!”
The City of Cheese steaks had just lost their jerk, The raptors roared and swooped for the kill,
And thought no running back could make the team work. If only our Eagles had matched the Saint’s will.
Their uniforms changed into green-and-white splatters, But I’ll tell you what, I don’t feel too bad,
But without attitudes changing, it don’t even matter. Since Orleans deserves the victory it never had.
With Tyrell’s ego going to Hell, And let’s face it, when there’s fearing and shouting and the pressure’s all
He was harder to watch as he was to spell. about,
Just like my Viagra, the Eagles cop out.
Then out of the woodworks came talents untold,
Like Garcia and Akers scoring every goal! So they lost yet again, almost as expected.
Our spirits were lifted and our Eagles would soar, But such a close call it could not be directed.
Perhaps this year we’d win the Super Bowl! As Super Bowl season becomes something hectic,
I’ll route for the Bears because no one suspects it.
But up from the South like a Heineken fart
Came a team without hope, but a butt-load of heart. I know this is Purchase, and sports seen as a sin,
From drenched New Orleans the Saints rose from debris, Our colors are ugly and our teams hardly win.
They won every game until their city was seen. But wouldn’t it be grand to gather together,
Drink beer, read the Indy, and ignore the odd weather?
The match became tense, we were down by three,
Though things looked their worst, we knew Garcia wouldn’t flee. What if we all pitched in from our drug money scrounged,
And bought a huge freaking plasma screen for the Commuter Lounge?
But what a defense that deterred the Eagles! I’ll raise my Eagles-loving voice, though you’ll try not to hear it,
We’d bribe them with pretzels but that’s never legal. Amazing things are done by small people, a little faith, and school spirit.
COM/~MAGGIEOH/HOLIDAYS/G/G_INDEX.HTML (NO, SERIOUSLY, JUST GO THERE. YOU WON’T BE SORRY.)
11
Now with fewer side-effects! The Indy
If I were Jesus I wouldn’t have
to deal with these puddles
The new convenience store in the Chris! I wrote About you on the
BackPAGE!
Fort totally needs to be called
Good Life Choice Ahh, Fuck you, I’ll shave your
General Awesome. belly!
Holy Spidercats, Batman! “You do not play London Bridge while you
Congradulations to the Browns on Don’t imagine me naked naked naked na- are drunk, missy”
ked and don’t think of this word: Naked!
their Brown Baby!
Someday, you’ll be a great store designer.
I’m going on a date with the Independent. Interested in Environmental Issues? Join the I’m a white plains drifter.
She has a dirty mouth, but a great heart. Purchase Environmental Activists Club!
Tuesdays @ 6pm CCN 014A Why can’t they plant some evergreens,
so this campus doesn’t look like fucking
Your mom likes me more! Help Make TAP More Flexible death!
An unexpected job loss, a debilitating illness or, some other I love Purchase but not in a
Do your Chains Hang Low? extenuating circumstance at home sometimes forces students relationship kind of way.
to drop out when they can’t get by on one less family income.
Ficky-fick!!!! Now!!! The Tuition Assistance Program (TAP) should be
flexible enough to help students in these situations. Unfortu-
nately, it isn’t. -What the Fuck is wrong with her?!
Don’t Worry, we’ll take care of operation -I don’t know my next line...
sexy back when I get home from work. If your family has had to deal with a sudden change in income
and you’re struggling to remain a student please contact us at
914-251-6986 or via e-mail at nypirg@purchase.edu.
“This young man is involved in Your story, if you’re willing to share it, may help thousands of At least I got away from that stupid bird.
the show.” students get the TAP they need, when they need it. “It almost took my eye out!”
“I don’t like this light thing.” Want to learn to play rugby? Come to prac- Don’t Eat the Buritos!
“You mean the sun?” tice with us, Purchase Rugby and learn the
basics. Contact: jessie.biele
In my dream last night I was poked by
@purchase.edu for more info. No “Lets go to maaad sleep yo.”
Neil Gaiman on facebook. experience necessary! Melissa Callery is the sexiest assistant editor
of the Indy ever! Congrats Melly!
My apartment has taken over the “Well, I mean, I wouldn’t poop in front of him.” <3, Tina and Scott
identities of the cast of 90210 -G.G.
Mike needs to stop hanging out with those fake
RIP Fusion: Taken before your time. Russel is my hero! bitches and get with a real bitch.
WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THE NEW PEOPLE COME FROM? “Alex? I’m having a sudden crisis about the physics of I have a choice between wind and brush fire!
StarGate.”
Now Walk it out Gangsta Brownies! GO TEAM FIRECROTCH!!
Hey, does anyone want this yogurt that I stole?
AT PURCHASE, SAYING “GO BEARS!” MEANS SOMETHING “Don’t poo on my hand boy...just trying
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. to dance boy”
From guy to guy, Changing friends on the
fly, Refusing to get high, Because she’ll die
Oh my! Yo! I hate hippies, too, but you also hate cof- ‘Cause that’s what it’s about-respect and
fee farmers. Fuck Starbucks! Pura vita! guillotines.
I am absolutely stunning and she’s a ho.
“My love for John Sheppard is pure. My love for John’s
We all know you had sex with
Penis roaches? hair? Pretty dirty.”
him, so get over it.
I Ain’t no Moptop! AM,
Tu Pac Zee lion attacks Happy one month!
“Ah! Nihon jin janai??” <3 AP
Take That Jesus!