KILLING DURAN DURAN
By
Brian West & Roger Hunt
Roger Hunt
3900 W. 140 Dr.
Leawood, KS 66224
816.810.2362
roger@killingduranduran.com
1.
FADE IN:
INT. JENKS HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM – NIGHT
A small crowd watches a new wave band play “Hungry Like the
Wolf” to perfection. Back to the Future cutouts and
decorations cover the stage and walls.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Do you see that band down there?
That's my band. “Buoyant
String.” We're just one break
away from the big time. I'm
playing the keyboard.
KYLE TASTEE jams on his keyboard up front. His Flock-of-
Seagulls-style 80's hair doesn't move –- perfect -- like
his teeth, and his makeup is unblemished. The rest of the
modern band plays, interacting with the cutout of Michael
J. Fox, while a shadowy BECKY STANSBURY plays tambourine.
KYLE (V.O.)
That's Becky. Rebecca
Stansbury. Her dad owns me.
BECKY
moans to the music in MTV video fashion. An attractive
nineteen-year-old girl dressed like Cyndi Lauper, Becky
wears a red-leather, diamond headband. The song fades out
and the crowd meagerly claps.
INT. JENKS HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM – NIGHT
The band unplugs and breaks down their equipment. ANIMAL
tears down his drums. BJORN ANDREASEN packs his bass
guitar.
BECKY
That was great, guys. That was
the most choice show we've ever
done.
She takes off her headband and wipes her brow. The
guitarist, STEWART WESTBROOK nonchalantly picks up the
headband.
2.
STEWART
We...
Stewart motions to the guys.
STEWART
...were bitchin'. You're not a
part of this band, Becky.
Two young, lanky teenage girls in bulky 80's dresses walk
up to the stage giggling. They smile, their over-sized
braces gleaming.
TEEN GIRL #1
You guys are great. Can we get
your autographs?
A second girl slightly pulls down the front of her fluffy
dress.
TEEN GIRL #2
You can sign my --
Two older teenage boys join the party. The second teenage
girl hurriedly adjusts herself.
BOY #1
Hey Stewart. I see you've met
my 14-year-old sister.
His sister turns to her brother, squints, and grimaces.
GIRL #2
Shut up, Rich.
The girls scamper away, embarrassed.
BOY #2
Yeah, Rich, now who's he going
to get with tonight?
RICH
I'm thinking Homer. Homer
Sexual.
The two boys LAUGH and high-five one another, grab their
dates, and leave the gym.
3.
INT. VAN – NIGHT
Kyle drives a van with all band members inside. Kyle
manuevers into a Whataburger drive-thru lane.
DRIVE-THRU WARNING SIGN
reads “MAX. HEIGHT 7 FEET 6 INCHES.”
KYLE
How tall is the van?
No one responds.
STEWART
(urgently)
Animal, how tall's the van?
ANIMAL
Twelve feet?
KYLE
(speaking like Mork)
Shazbot!
EXT. WHATABURGER PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Cars honk and Stewart uneasily navigates the van out of
line and into a small parking spot.
INT./EXT. VAN – NIGHT
Kyle tries to open the shag covered door, but it's too
close to another car to open. Kyle and the band exit out
of the back door.
EXT. WHATABURGER PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A Star Wars mural decorates the van in seventies airbrushed
fashion, with detailed pictures of the lead characters. A
satellite dish sits on top, and a stuffed Chewbacca doll
rides attached to the back door ladder.
A BUMPER STICKER
reads “MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU ALWAYS.”
DRIVE-THRU LANE
The band members line up, walking behind a Volkswagen
4.
Rabbit convertible filled with girls who sneak peeks and
laugh at them as they chug through the drive-thru. BJORN,
Animal, Stewart and Kyle ignore them.
BJORN
(in a thick Swedish
accent)
Kyle, don't let those punks get
to you. They're just jealous.
KYLE
No they're right. We're a bunch
of losers. Even Amanda thought
so. Love is blind, but it would
be better if it were deaf.
ANIMAL
Dude, I don’t know why she
bailed on you, but it wasn’t
over the band. She just told you
that to make it a clean break.
STEWART
Did you ever really tell her how
you feel?
KYLE
Well ... I feel really, really
hungry.
WHATABURGER SPEAKER
Welcome to Whataburger. Can I
take your order, please?
ANIMAL
(to the guys)
I'll get the burgers tonight.
ANIMAL
(to the drive thru)
I need a Whataburger, extra
onion, a Justaburger with no
sauce, a happy bag with boy toy,
and a Whatacatch extra tarter
sauce, no bun, four large fries,
two Cokes, and, two new Cokes.
5.
WHATABURGER SPEAKER
Your total is $4.67. Please ...
(snickering)
...walk forward.
STEWART
We were good tonight. No, we
were great tonight. We are only
one break away from making it.
KYLE
Sure we sounded okay, but look
at the audience. The only
people in the crowd who liked
our stuff was Rich's little
sister and her friend.
STEWART
Screw Rich and his sister, too.
We should go back, kick their
asteroids, and take their women.
SIRENS WAIL, lights flash, and band members scramble. A
BULLHORN BLASTS.
BULLHORN MAN
You guys freeze. Get back here.
Step into the light. Step into
the light!
The band slowly steps into the spotlight under the drive-
thru window.
BULLHORN MAN
(to Animal)
Congratulations. You are our
one-millionth customer! You've
won a year's supply of free all-
beef Whataburgers!
ANIMAL
But I like the Whatacatch, no
bun, extra tartar.
MAN
Okay, free Whata- somethings for
one year.
BJORN
6.
Once again, my friend, you are
one lucky herring.
INT. VAN – LATER
The band eats while Kyle drives.
KYLE
I don't know guys, this isn't
working for me. If fourteen-
year-old girls, proms, and --
BJORN
Walking through drive-thrus?
KYLE
Walking through drive-thrus are
our future, I'd rather sling
yogurt at the mall.
STEWART
Come on, Kyle. We've got a show
at the Palace tomorrow night.
You said it was going to be a
sweet gig.
KYLE
All right, we'll do this, but
name one New Wave band out of
Oklahoma.
Silence.
KYLE
No? Name one famous movie star
from Oklahoma.
Silence.
KYLE
No? Name anyone famous from
Oklahoma.
Silence.
KYLE
No. Not even one famous band
from Oklahoma?
7.
ANIMAL
The GAP Band.
BJORN
Who?
STEWART
(In GAP Band fashion)
“You dropped a bomb on me,
baby...”
ANIMAL
(making bomb noise)
PWEEEEEEEEEW!
STEWART
“You dropped a bomb on me!”
Kyle and Bjorn nod knowingly.
KYLE
Okay, let's do the Palace gig.
We'll talk about the band's
destiny later.
The band collectively breaks into the GAP Band's “YOU
DROPPED A BOMB ON ME.”
EXT. VAN – NIGHT
Becky follows the band in her little red Corvette.
INT. MALL - ENTRANCE TO MOVIE BARN – DAY
The 1980’s generic mall teems with people aspiring to be
the MTV generation. Stewart stands at the velvet rope,
wearing the official Movie Barn tuxedo and bow tie, hair
well quaffed, performance ready. A group of high-school-
age girls approach, and he takes their tickets.
STEWART
Hey Ladies, after the movie,
come check-out my show. We’re
playing at The Palace over in
Broken Arrow. It should be
sweet.
GIRL #1
Really? Have you played The
8.
Palace before?
STEWART
No, we just scored the gig.
GIRL #2
First the Prom, now The Palace,
you guys are rad.
STEWART
I gotta wear shades.
The girls giggle and move on. They LAUGH about The Palace.
BECKY
approaches in full bloom Pat Benatar garb.
Stewart sees her and looks away, hoping she will walk by,
but she strides up to the velvet rope.
BECKY
(excited)
Hey Stew. We sure were great
last night.
STEWART
Eh, yeah, we...
(annoyed)
...were great last night. And
thanks for inviting yourself on
stage for the encore. That was
special.
BECKY
(clueless)
You are so welcome, Stewy.
STEWART
Are you here to see Deadly
Betrayal again -- by yourself --
again?
BECKY
Oh my God Stewy, you’re so
psychic. We think just alike.
Another group of young women approach the rope. Stewart
looks past Becky.
9.
STEWART
(blandly to Becky)
Last theater on the right.
Becky moves on, miffed by the early dismissal.
STEWART
Hey, it’s ladies night. Free
popcorn for the hotties. No
charge for the extra butter.
The girls roll their eyes and give him their tickets.
INT. MOVIE BARN - PROJECTOR BOOTH - EVENING
Stewart stands in the booth by himself. Risky Business
plays. The movie AUDIO PLAYS while Stewart looks toward
the screen.
STEWART
watches the movie intently.
STEWART
(mouthing the movie)
“Joel, you wanna know something?
Every now and then say ‘what the
fuck.’ ‘What the fuck’ gives
you freedom. Freedom brings
opportunity. Opportunity makes
your future”
A guitar, plugged into a small practice amplifier, hangs
around Stewart’s neck. He breaks into a SHREDDING guitar
LICK. People in the back few rows HEAR the guitar
SQUEALING, and crane their necks, annoyed, trying to find
the source.
INT. MASSAGE PARLOR – DAY
Becky saunters into the massage parlor. She takes a seat
in the groovy Teutonic Lounge, decorated in Scandinavian
furnishings.
RECEPTIONIST
Hi Becky. He'll be ready for
you in ten minutes.
INT. MASSAGE ROOM – DAY
10.
Eighties music plays, and the excited groans of ecstasy
vibrate through the room.
WOMAN
Oh, Sven. MMMMM. Yes. Oh
Sven. Keep doing it. Don't
stop. Don't stop.
Sven gives a hearty massage to a naked woman -- face down
-- covered only with a towel. The receptionist enters.
RECEPTIONIST
Sven, your special client is in
Room Three. And there are some
men in suits in the lobby who
want to talk to you. And
they're not “Miami Vice” suits,
either.
Bjorn peers through the crack in door to see the two men in
dark suits.
BJORN
(mumbling)
I.N.S. Shazbot.
(To Receptionist)
Well I guess I'd better meet my
special client.
INT. ROOM THREE – DAY
Becky undresses, removing layers of bright-colored fashion.
Bjorn enters, looking repulsed.
Becky slides under the thin sheet.
BECKY
You're the best Swedish masseuse
in Tulsa.
BJORN
Becky, two things. A, I'm not
Swedish. And two, I'm from
Denmark. And if I have to
explain this to anyone again,
I'm going to go frigin' Rambo on
their donkey.
11.
BECKY
You mean their ass.
BJORN
Ja, I'll Rambo both of them.
INT. MALL - THERE’S NO WAY THIS IS YOGURT STORE – DAY
Kyle and two teenage employees quickly fill yogurt orders.
Mall Muzak plays. The employees wear white paper hats and
white aprons emblazoned with the word “WAY!”. A wealthy
looking three-piece-suite type approaches the counter, and
Kyle and the other employees quickly straighten their hats
and snap to order.
KYLE
Mr. Stansbury, I’m glad to see
you. Can I whip up your usual,
Unflavored Delight? Or do you
feel racy today, and want The
Thrilla in Vanilla? It’s WAAAAY
good!
MR. STANSBURY
No thanks Kyle. Is Becky Here?
KYLE
She’s counting the till in back.
Mr. Stansbury walks around the counter, with Kyle on his
heels.
BUSINESS OFFICE
Becky -- dressed like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance --
counts money out of the register, looks up, and sees them
enter.
BECKY
Da-ddy.
MR. STANSBURY
Hi pumpkin. How’s my girl?
How’s my business?
BECKY
We both couldn’t be better.
MR. STANSBURY
12.
That’s my girl.
KYLE
Mr. Stansbury, I’m glad you’re
here. I was hoping I could
speak with you privately.
MR. STANSBURY
Now Kyle, there’s nothing you
can’t say in front of my number
one.
KYLE
I wanted to talk to you about
the new store you're building.
Like who’s going to manage it?
Kyle looks nervously towards Becky. Mr. Stansbury notices,
looks towards Becky, and back to Kyle.
MR. STANSBURY
You bucking for management,
Tastee?
KYLE
Yes sir.
MR. STANSBURY
(to Becky)
What do you think?
BECKY
Well, if he plays his cards
right.
INT. KYLE'S APARTMENT – AFTERNOON
A digital alarm clock flickers from 3:59 p.m. to 4:00 p.m.,
then PLAYS loud 80's MUSIC.
ANIMAL
wakes on the couch in a cramped, untidy apartment. NOISES
from a PACMAN arcade game intrigue Animal, and he squints,
stretches, and pushes a Star Wars Millennium Falcon model
spacecraft onto the floor with many other similar figures.
13.
He stands, winds his way through an apartment maze of dirty
clothes, pizza boxes, and other bachelor items, to the
stand-up PacMan machine which nearly fills the hallway.
GRANT UNGER
feverishly plays an advanced level of the game, slamming
the joystick with his palms.
ANIMAL
Level 24, eh Grant?
GRANT
Yeah, kumquat level. I'm gonna
totally thrash your high score.
ANIMAL
Whatever. I've got to go to
work anyway.
Animal opens the front door, and it only opens a quarter of
the way, slamming into the PacMan machine. Animal squeezes
through the door and closes it behind him.
EXT. KYLE'S APARTMENT PARKING LOT – MAILBOXES - DAY
Animal approaches the apartment mailbox and inserts his
key, but the jammed box won't budge. He shakes it madly to
no avail. He tries pounding, but nothing works. He picks
up a loose brick on the ground and WACKS the mailbox. No
good. He tries his key again, and this time it opens.
He pulls out several checks which he browses through, then
opens one in particular.
INSERT CHECK
The bottom line of a check for shows “$418,” with the words
“ROYALTY RIGHTS” on the information line. Animal nods and
smiles.
A leggy girl, PAMELA, steps out of a Jeep Wrangler, then
swaggers over to the mailboxes to retrieve her mail.
PAMELA
Hi, Animal. Any hot gigs coming
up?
ANIMAL
Yeah. We're playing the Palace
14.
tonight. It pays the bills.
PAMELA
Can I bring some girlfriends to
check it out?
ANIMAL
Well, it's a private party.
Sorry. Maybe next time.
Pamela opens her own mailbox and removes a long, narrow
brown box, flips it over, and sees a label with the words
“PLEASURE HUT,” on the side, addressed Animal's apartment
number.
PAMELA
Oops, they must've put this in
my box by mistake. It's for
someone at your place. No name.
Pamela hands the box to Animal and he rips open the end of
the box to reveal another box that reads “PROFESSOR
PICKLE'S PENIS PUMP.”
ANIMAL
Penis pump?
Pamela LAUGHS, then walks off to her apartment.
ANIMAL
(yelling)
It's Grant's!
Animal shrugs and walks back to his apartment. He opens the
door, it slams against the PacMan and he squeezes back into
the room.
INT. APARTMENT – DAY
The PacMan EMITS its DEATH SOUND as Grant loses his last
man.
GRANT
Crap. So close. Level 34 for
God's sake!
Grant turns toward Animal.
GRANT
How was work?
15.
ANIMAL
Tough day. The mailbox was
jammed.
GRANT
Sucks to be you.
ANIMAL
Yeah. Here's a package for your
package. They stuck it in
Pamela's box by mistake.
A HORN HONKS outside.
EXT./INT. BJORN'S VOLVO - DAY
Animal opens the door to Bjorn's Volvo, jumps in, and they
ride.
ANIMAL
How was your day massaging hot
women?
BJORN
They felt good, until Becky
showed up.
ANIMAL
Becky? What does she want?
BJORN
I think she want's to join the
band.
ANIMAL
No way. She can't Yoko our
band.
BJORN
Yoko?
ANIMAL
Think Hiroshima. Nagasaki.
Remember when we bombed Pearl
Harbor?
BJORN
Oh yeah. No way Becky's gonna
16.
ruin the band.
ANIMAL
Yeah. I'm getting sick of her.
And the band. What are we
doing, anyway?
BJORN
There might not even be a band
for her to ruin. I may be back
in Denmark next month if the
dark suits have their way.
INT. MALL RECORD STORE - DAY
People dance in the aisles, milling through the hottest
record store in town. The band members browse the huge
selection of cassette tapes.
KYLE (V.O.)
Here we are at the record store.
We've got a gig in two hours.
It may be our last gig together.
We have problems. Big problems.
And it's not just Becky. I hope
this Palace gig turns us around.
If not, I've got nothing but
vanilla in my future.
The band continues browsing. Stewart picks out a tape.
STEWART
I want to get this tape. It's
got “Come on Eileen” on it.
BJORN
How'd that get on it?
ANIMAL
Bjorn and I were talking. This
band isn't working, Kyle. Prom
gigs? You haven't told us
anything about the Palace gig.
Are we getting paid? I'm ready
to retire and play some PacMan.
KYLE
Guys, we're cutting edge,
London-style. Unfortunately
17.
we're in Tulsa. Sure, it's
going to be hard, but we've got
to stick it out. Do you think
INXS gave up their first year?
ANIMAL
Okay, Kyle. I can wait, but
what about these guys? When are
we gonna go big? How are we
gonna get famous? How are we
getting on MTV? What's your
plan?
KYLE
I've got ideas.
BJORN
What are they?
KYLE
(stalling)
I've got ideas.
He looks up and sees a Rambo poster with Sylvester Stallone
firing his large machine gun toward a Duran Duran concert
poster. Kyle glances back and forth between the two --
many times -- spawning his big idea.
KYLE
We're going to kill Duran Duran.
Jaws drop.
STEWART
Wow. Okay. Yeah, I can see that.
We kill them, make it look like
it's an accident, and, like we
were there to save them.
Perfect. We get the press. And
the fame. Here's our road map.
Stewart grabs the concert poster from the wall which lists
all of the concert dates.
BECKY
appears in the store dressed in Olivia Newton John workout
clothes.
18.
BECKY
Hi guys, where are we playing
tonight?
STEWART
Hey Becky. Meet us at the
airport Ramada at eleven. We'll
be set up for you.
BECKY
Okay guys, see you there.
INT. VAN - NIGHT
BJORN
We can't kill anyone,...
(thinking)
...can we?
STEWART
Killing is a harsh word. We're
really saving them. Sure, we're
the one's putting them in danger
and everything, but --
KYLE
Guys, we can't kill Duran Duran.
I didn't say that right. What
if we had an accident with Duran
Duran? MTV's there. The news
is there. We'll get
interviewed. They'd play our
music.
STEWART
We're all in this together.
There's a reason they call it a
“Band Wagon.” If we kill Duran
Duran, we'll be famous.
BJORN
I don't want to kill anyone --
KYLE
Stewart, we can't kill Duran
Duran. Maybe an accident, but
--
ANIMAL
19.
I like their music.
STEWART
Guys, this is the only way we're
going to make it.
BJORN
I want to make it.
ANIMAL
Me too. But how do we
accidentally kill Duran Duran?
STEWART
We Rambo 'em. We smash the van
into their tour bus. We smash
the bus, we rescue them, get on
TV, get famous. Flawless.
The word “flawless” repeats over and over, fading into the
song “Amanda” on the radio. Kyle zones out, listening to
the song.
IN KYLE'S IMAGINATION
Beautiful Amanda, Kyle's ex-girlfriend, appears in a
“Baywatch”-style vision.
BACK TO SCENE
STEWART
Kyle. Kyle, buddy. I think you
had another Amanda moment. Dude,
just swallow hard and give her a
call.
KYLE
What’s the point? Some people
ain’t meant for true love.
STEWART
That’s a country music line,
Kyle. Not New Wave.
INT. VAN - FRIDAY NIGHT
ANIMAL
Are we there yet? I’m hungry.
We get food right?
20.
KYLE
Food, drinks, sound system
provided. Like I said, a sweet
gig.
INT. VAN – FRIDAY NIGHT - 20 MINUTES LATER
Kyle drives, Bjorn rides Shotgun, with Animal, and Stewart
in the back. No talking. A sappy 80's ballad by Bjorn's
favorite band PLAYS via cassette tape.
ANIMAL
Would you turn that Norwegian
crap off?
BJORN
They're from Sweden, you
ignorant slut!
Bjorn reluctantly ejects the tape. A glam rock 80's song
PLAYS on the radio.
From the back of the van, a shoe flies and strikes the
radio. The radio goes silent
STEWART
Guys. Save it for Duran Duran.
They will feel our fury.
Kyle sees a building featuring the large words “PALACE.”
Above it, in much smaller letters reads, “HAPPY HEIFER'S
PIZZA.”
BJORN
(slowly)
Happy Heifer's Pizza Palace?
ANIMAL
You gotta be shittin’ me.
EXT. HAPPY HEIFER'S PIZZA PALACE - NIGHT.
The four band members approach the doors. One adult-sized
door is below a sign, “BIG HEIFER,” next to a pint-sized
door below a sign “LITTLE HEIFER.” Through the big door
approaches MR. HEREFORD, a person in a giant cow costume
complete with marks, as if branded by a hot iron.
MR. HEREFORD
21.
(in an overly
animated cartoon
voice)
Oh, there you are boys. We were
getting Ve-ry Wor-ried. It’s
Caroline Colburn’s ve-ry spe-
cial birth-day, and we wouldn’t
want the band to miss it.
BJORN
(under his breath to
Animal)
Ja, like the Pet Shop Boys
missing a gerbil.
MR. HEREFORD
Just follow me to the stage.
But first...
Mr. Hereford wields an over-sized branding iron, motioning
in a Zorro manner.
MR. HEREFORD
Everyone gets branded.
Ranch hands hold the guys still while the cow stamps each
of them with an over-sized Happy Heifer logo on the side of
their necks. The band glares at Kyle who shrugs his
shoulders.
INT. HAPPY HEIFER'S PIZZA PALACE
The band follows Mr. Hereford toward a very small stage
with an animatronic four-piece band. Around them, kids
scurry with foam Longhorn hats. Mr. Hereford shows them
backstage. A small Casio keyboard and a miniature drum set
--with a robotic armadillo atop--stares at them. A pink
velvet curtain divides the stage from the audience.
BACKSTAGE
MR. HEREFORD
(motioning toward the
armadillo)
If you don’t have a drummer, we
can plug in Mr. Road Kill.
STEWART
Is this a joke? Where’s “Candid
22.
Camera?”
Mr. Hereford pulls off his cow head to reveal a haggard,
balding, sweaty, 35-year-old man. Frustrated, with bulging
veins, he points to his ridiculous outfit.
MR. HEREFORD
Look Man. This is my Hollywood.
He points to the band, and then to the stage.
MR. HEREFORD
That is your Hollywood. Get
your ass on stage...
MR. HEREFORD
(in cartoon voice)
and get Wranglin'.
INT. HAPPY HEIFER'S PIZZA PALACE - LATER
A 40-something man approaches Kyle after the show. A
prominent Happy Heifer brand and a happy-birthday brand
overtakes his neck. He hands Kyle an envelope, his other
arm around his 10-year-old-daughter's shoulders.
MAN
Not bad, Tastee. You're no
Duran, Duran -- I love those
guys -- but you're not bad.
They've got some great videos.
What you need are some cool
videos.
KYLE
Thank you, sir. Thanks for the
advice.
GIRL
(lisping through
braces)
You guys are Aweshssome.
INT. KYLE'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT
The band sits at a 70s-style dining room table covered with
various papers. A single bulb shines down on them.
KYLE
23.
If we're going to kill Duran
Duran, we need stuff. We need
gear. We need wheels, we need-
ANIMAL
We need more power, Scotty!
The band stares at Animal.
STEWART
This is serious, Animal.
Animal nods and sinks into his chair.
KYLE
Okay, we need wheels. We'll
need your van, Animal.
Animal nods.
KYLE
We need money. We'll need to
play some gigs on the way to
make enough money to hunt them
down. And we'll need more P.A.
gear.
BJORN
We can borrow sound equipment
from my Juco. They won't use it
until the band director gets
probation.
EXT. JUNIOR COLLEGE - NIGHT.
Mission Impossible-type music PLAYS as the band sneaks up
to the college band building. Animal stands watch in
front. The others sneak around the side and find an open
window above. From their belts, Stewart, Kyle and Bjorn
produce ropes, hooks, and other secret-agent climbing
equipment.
STEWART
This won't take long.
Bjorn straps on the harness and grapples to the top of the
building with rope and hook. They begin hoisting Bjorn up
the wall.
24.
Animal eats a Snickers while keeping watch on the parking
lot. He sees some lights, hunches down in a John Belushi
Animal House half-hearted manner, then springs up.
Nothing.
Bjorn moves halfway up the rope.
Animal becomes bored with the situation. He strolls near
the front door.
Bjorn makes his way to the open window.
Kyle and Stewart strain with the rope below.
BJORN (O.S.)
(screaming)
AHHHAHHH!
INT. JUNIOR COLLEGE - NIGHT
Animal pulls Bjorn into the building.
EXT. JUNIOR COLLEGE
The band smuggles microphones, P.A. Systems, cords, and
other essentials to the van.
INT. STEWART'S APARTMENTS - NIGHT
KYLE
We'll need a trailer. We can't
fit everyone -- the extra gear
and drums -- in the van.
STEWART
My uncle Ed is a pastor of Faith
United Believer's Evangelical
Church of Christ. They've got a
trailer. They only use it once a
year for the annual Book Burn
Roundup.
EXT. FAITH UNITED BELIEVER'S EVANGELICAL CHURCH OF CHRIST
PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The band pours out of the Millennium Falcon into the back
alley strip mall where the church is located. Stewart eyes
the situation.
STEWART
25.
There she is.
A large, covered trailer sits in a dark corner of the lot.
KYLE
That'll do. Where's your uncle?
STEWART
Uncle Ed's in Boca Raton for a
preacher's conference. I don't
think he'll mind if we borrow
it.
The guys move toward the trailer while Animal hops in the
Falcon and backs the van closer, maneuvering to hook up the
hitch. Stewart, Bjorn, and Kyle pull the trailer over the
ball and drop it down. Then, they set the latch.
A SECURITY GUARD opens the back door of a store, sees the
commotion and immediately unflaps his holster. He grabs a
walkie talkie from his belt, reaches inside the building
and flips a switch, igniting a flood of lights over the
parking lot with a massive HUM.
SECURITY GUARD
(into walkie talkie)
I'm at Dick Click's Veterinary
School. Get over here.
The band members freeze among a mumbling of profanity.
Animal sinks down in his chair.
STEWART
(whispering)
It's okay, guys. Let me handle
this.
The security guard shuffles toward the van, stopping short,
ten feet away. He points his massive metallic flashlight in
their direction, providing a secondary flood of light.
The license plate reads “CHEWIE.”
SECURITY GUARD 1
(into walkie talkie)
Chewie. The plate says Chewie.
Some sort cult or something.
FEEDBACK CRACKLES
26.
Stewart steps toward the guard.
STEWART
Good evening,
Officer. We were just
getting ready...
The security guard nervously stuffs his walkie talkie in
his belt and pulls his gun.
STEWART
...to visit my uncle,
he's --
The Band MOANS.
BJORN
(to Kyle, under his
breath)
Busted.
STEWART
Reverend Westbrook. FUBECC.
SECURITY GUARD 1
(confused)
And I'm Billy Graham. Just
freeze or I'll send you devil
worshippers back to the river
Styx.
ANIMAL
(mumbling)
Come sail away.
A Jeep Cherokee pulls up, the words “RANCHERO MALL
SECURITY” on its side. SECURITY GUARD 2 steps out of the
Jeep and adjusts his belly over his belt.
SECURITY GUARD 2
What do we have here? You boys
are trespassing on mall
property.
STEWART
We're here to pick up the
trailer. My name is James
27.
Westbrook, and my father is
Reverend Westbrook, of FUBECC.
SECURITY GUARD 2
Uh-huh. Wearing all black like
that. And gloves. And I see
those masks in your pockets.
SECURITY GUARD 1
You said he was your Uncle.
STEWART
Father.
SECURITY GUARD 2
Stay put or you're going
downtown Leroy Brown. Let me
verify.
SECURITY GUARD 1
He said Westbrook was his uncle.
Something's not right.
The security guards move to the Jeep Cherokee and get in.
Stewart motions for the others to jump on the van, while he
wanders up to the security vehicle.
Kyle and Bjorn jump onto the back ladder, next to
Chewbacca.
Stewart bends over the window, and behind his back we see
him motioning to Animal to take off.
The Millennium Falcon inches away from the scene.
Stewart leans into the open Jeep window.
STEWART
Is that a Colt .45? Works every
time.
SECURITY GUARD 2
You dumb SOB, that's a .38
Special.
STEWART
Well hold on loosely, then.
Confused, the guard holds up the weapon and Stewart
28.
snatches it from his hands. He runs from the Jeep
screaming.
STEWART
GO. Drive. Go.
The Van TIRES SQUEAL, and the van burns out of the parking
lot with the trailer.
The security truck chases Stewart who drops the gun and
quickly disappears into the woods nearby.
The guards jump out of the truck and collect the gun.
SECURITY GUARD 2
Shit. Go get him.
SECURITY GUARD 1
They told me when I signed up I
didn't have to go in the woods.
SECURITY GUARD 2
Shit.
The van pulls the trailer down the highway.
The words “REPENT, FOR THE DAY OF THE LORD IS NIGH” is
written on the trailer.
Chewbacca rides the ladder alone.
EXT./INT. GOLD AS ICE PAWN SHOP – LATER
Animal walks into the pawn shop. He still wears dark
clothes with a dark, painted face.
PAWN CLERK
(in a deadpan voice)
I've got guns back here. I'm
not afraid to use them. And
this glass...
He wraps on the glass with a Dirty Harry-sized handgun.
PAWN CLERK
...is bulletproof.
ANIMAL
This isn't a stick up. I need
some cash.
29.
They move to the counter.
PAWN CLERK
No Doy. What do you have?
He slaps a red-leather, diamond headband on the counter and
pushes it into the giant metal slot where the clerk uses a
crank to shut the box and pull it to his grasp. With a
jeweler's loop, the clerk investigates the diamond quality.
PAWN CLERK
Very Nice. I'll give you $200
bucks.
ANIMAL
How much is that phone back
there?
PAWN CLERK
That bag phone? It's the latest
technology. I couldn't let that
go for less than $650.
ANIMAL
I'll trade you straight up.
Animal leaves the pawn store with a bag, and gets back into
the van.
INT. MASSAGE PARLOR - BUSINESS OFFICE - MONDAY MORNING
A middle-aged women clenches her teeth and clicks her Bic
as Bjorn approaches.
WOMAN
You’re an hour late. Your first
customers have been waiting for
you since before we opened.
Bjorn pulls a curtain aside and views two Federal-type men
in Foster Grants.
BJORN
Look Mrs. Janikowski, I’m sorry.
But we need to talk.
MRS. JANIKOWSKI
You need to scrub up, and start
rubbin’ up.
30.
BJORN
I need a week off, starting now.
MRS. JANIKOWSKI
What? Impossible. You’re my
key guy. This ain’t a Polish
massage parlor, Sven. It’s
Swedish. Sve-dish, Swedish.
DREAM – BJORN IN THE OFFICE
Bjorn dressed as Rambo, strafes Mrs. Janikowski, Becky, and
Mr. Foster and Mr. Grant with a Howitzer. He’s screaming,
“I’m Danish. I am Danish”
BACK TO SCENE
MRS. JANIKOWSKI
The answer is no.
Bjorn reaches into the inside pocket of his jacket, and
grabs something. He lurches across the desk, and snaps his
hand in front of Mrs. Janikowski’s face, point blank.
A laminated “green card” shows “BJORN ANDREASEN.”
BJORN
Give this to the suits. And as
far as you and they are
concerned, I won't be back.
Bjorn turns and steps toward the back exit.
MRS. JANIKOWSKI
(shocked)
Sven, was it something I said?
Sven? Sven?
INT. THERE’S NO WAY THIS IS YOGURT STORE – MORNING
Kyle approaches the security gate with a teenage employee
at his side. Kyle unlocks and retracts the gate and they
both walk into the store. Mr. Stansbury approaches the
counter, and the teenage employee continues to the back.
MR. STANSBURY
Kyle, I’m assuming you wanted to
talk more about the new store.
KYLE
31.
Not exactly, Mr. Stansbury.
Something very important has
come up, and I need to take week
off, starting now.
MR. STANSBURY
Kyle, does that sound like
something my new store manager
would say just a week before the
new store opens?
KYLE
Seriously?
MR. STANSBURY
Way!
KYLE
But I thought Becky was gonna
get it.
MR. STANSBURY
My Becky. My Rebecca Stansbury
managing a yogurt stand?
Mr. Stansbury begins to chuckle
MR. STANSBURY
The Stansbury's go to Harvard.
We don’t peddle yogurt.
KYLE
Oh yes, of course. Great.
Two mall walkers approach the counter.
KYLE
(to backroom)
Phil, you have customers.
As Phil approaches the register, Mr. Stansbury and Kyle
take Phil’s place in the back.
BACK ROOM
MR. STANSBURY
Kyle, I can’t afford you to be
away before we open the new
store. You’re the best yogurt
32.
machine calibrator I've got.
KYLE
Gee, thanks. That’s...
(raising an eyebrow)
quite a compliment.
MR. STANSBURY
Is this something about your
band?
KYLE
Yes it is. We have an
opportunity.
MR. STANSBURY
Don’t tell me, a “sweet gig” at
the Pizza Palace? Rebecca told
me all about it. That’s pretty
funny.
CUSTOMER 1 (O.S.)
Mmmmm, there’s no way this is
yogurt.
MR. STANSBURY, KYLE, AND PHIL
Way!
KYLE
Well, as a matter of fact, we do
have a real opportunity.
MR. STANSBURY
Oh, really?
CUSTOMER #2 (O.S.)
Wow. I’m sorry, but there is
just no way this is yogurt
MR. STANSBURY, KYLE, AND PHIL
Way!
MR. STANSBURY
What? Are you playing the
Goldstein's bar mitzvah?
Kyle and Mr. Stansbury move to the front counter.
FRONT COUNTER
33.
The customers leave and Becky approaches with a pen and
notepad.
BECKY
I hear you got a new phone,
Kyle. What's the number?
KYLE
Sure, Becky. 8-6-7-5, 3-0-9.
Give me a call.
BECKY
Got it. So now --
Mr. Stansbury shoots Becky a squashing glance, and she
immediately shuts up.
MR. STANSBURY
Get to the point, Tastee.
KYLE
Well, if you must know, my band
is opening for Duran Duran this
weekend, in Boston, at the
Enormodome.
MR. STANSBURY
(skeptical)
Really.
KYLE
Yes.
MR. STANSBURY
Well, I need you here now,
opening the new store at the
Galleria. I’m sure Duran Duran
will fly you out, if all of this
is true.
KYLE
You don’t understand the music
business, Mr. Stansbury. I
really need a week off, sir.
Just one week. We leave
tomorrow.
MR. STANSBURY
Kyle, how many gigs at the Pizza
34.
Palace will it take to earn
twenty-five grand? That’s a lot
of yogurt, Kyle.
BECKY
Don't be a loser, Kyle.
Kyle thinks hard for a minute, unties his apron, and tosses
it to Mr. Stansbury.
KYLE
Just keep your yogurt in the
family, Mr. Stansbury. Becky can
milk yogurt all day long.
EXT. WESTBROOK FAMILY HOME - DAY
Stewart approaches the porch of an immaculately landscaped,
modest, American colonial home.
INT. WESTBROOK HOME – FOYER - DAY
Stewart steps into a nearly-perfect, 1962 Beaver Cleaver
house and everything instantly changes to BLACK AND WHITE.
STEWART
Mom? Dad? I’m home.
KITCHEN
Stewart walks into the kitchen and sees a handsome woman,
MRS. WESTBROOK, wearing a dress, apron, and pearls. She
carries a succulent roast in a roasting pan.
MRS. WESTBROOK
Hello Stewart. Just getting
dinner ready. Your milk and
cookies are waiting on the
counter.
STEWART
You’re the best, mom.
She smiles approvingly, but then looks concerned.
MOM
Stewart, you may need to check
on Sir Geoffry Winslow
Paddington. He may be ill.
Your father is concerned since
35.
you are showing him at the North
East Oklahoma Dog Chow
Invitational this weekend.
STEWART
Oh yeah. Okay Mom, sure.
Stewart picks up the TV tray with milk and cookies and
walks up the stairs and into his bedroom.
BEDROOM
A small white dog lies on a Hopalong Cassidy bed spread,
its head on its paws.
STEWART
What’s wrong Fang? Cat got your
tongue? Are you bummin’ about
the dog show?
Fang sits motionless, looking doggie depressed. He
whimpers.
STEWART
I’m not very proud of some of
the shows I’ve done lately
either. But once we bump Duran
Duran, and get some press
coverage, you and I will be
scoring on the finest bitches
around.
Fang slowly wags his tail.
STEWART
Are you sayin’ you wanna ditch
the dog show?
Fang wags his tail faster.
STEWART
You wanna kill Duran Duran?
Fang bounds to his feet, wags his tail, clenches his teeth,
and fiercely GROWLS and BARKS.
STEWART
You’re in. Let’s go get some
show supplies.
36.
BATHROOM
Fang jumps to the bathroom vanity.
Stewart searches drawers and pulls out hair spray, mascara,
and eye liner. He holds them to Fang's face.
STEWART
From “Adam Ant” to “Zeppelin,”
they all use this stuff. Let’s
give it a try.
Stewart puts mascara on Fang.
MR. WESTBROOK
walks in on them and stares at Stewart and Fang from the
doorway. He wears a cardigan sweater and smokes a pipe.
MR. WESTBROOK.
Stewart?
STEWART
Dad. This isn’t what it seems.
Mr. Westbrook removes his pipe, and wrinkles his eyebrows.
MR. WESTBROOK
Son, do we need to have another
talk about the differences
between boys and girls, or...
(contemplating)
...boys and dogs?
STEWART
No sir.
MR. WESTBROOK
Okay then.
Mr. Westbrook re-inserts his pipe and spryly bounds down
the hall HUMMING the theme song to “Leave it to Beaver.”
STEWART
That was close.
BACK TO COLOR
Stewart springs from the house carrying a backpack with
Fang peeking out.
37.
INT. LIBRARY – NIGHT
Stewart talks to an attractive librarian sitting behind the
desk. She wears a conservative outfit, and bangles on her
left arm. She LAUGHS, and
STEWART
flexes his muscles in bodybuilding form with a Superman
wink.
The Band enters the library, spies Stewart and pulls him to
a table nearby.
ANIMAL
You should know better than to
hit on a librarian, Stew.
They're wild. You ever see the
Music Man. Madam librarian,
Marion?
STEWART
I don't think I've seen it.
BJORN
It's a classic. I saw it with
German subtitles.
STEWART
That's the one with --
Kyle slaps Animal on the chest with the back of his hand.
KYLE
Can you guys shut up? We've got
work to do if we're going to
pull this off.
Kyle points to the chairs and the band sits. He throws
down the Duran Duran concert poster in front of them, then
disappears.
STEWART
The one with Shirley Jones.
She's Hot.
ANIMAL
(approvingly)
Oh yeah.
38.
BJORN
I'd like to massage her.
Kyle navigates the library for a few minutes, finds what he
searches for, then returns and tosses a Road Atlas on the
table.
STEWART
That map's ten years old, and
it's metric.
KYLE
It's the only one I could find.
ANIMAL
The van's speedometer doesn't go
in kilograms, Kyle.
KYLE
Just open the map and figure out
how we're going to get to Boston
by Saturday.
Stewart opens the map and the band huddle to examine the
situation. They flip pages, shuffle the poster, then sit
back in their chairs.
KYLE
We're going to need to play at
least three gigs to get enough
money for gas, food, motels,
whatever.
ANIMAL
How are we going to get gigs on
the road? We can't even get
them here.
BJORN
Animal's right, Kyle. We can't
even get gigs in Tulsa. How can
we --
KYLE
We'll need a gig every few
hundred miles. Here...
39.
The map shows the city of Memphis.
KYLE
And here.
The map shows the city of Cleveland.
STEWART
And one in Boston. In case we
can't catch up with Duran Duran
until we get there.
KYLE
Good idea. One in Boston.
ANIMAL
Great. But we still need to
find gigs. How are we going to
do that?
STEWART
stands, nodding. He moves to the librarian.
The band watches, and a minute later, Stewart and CINDI,
the librarian, return to the table with newspapers and
telephone books.
CINDI
These should help you out. Scan
the entertainment section and
I'll bet you get some ideas.
Animal smiles and nods.
ANIMAL
Sweet. Now that's a good idea.
BJORN
Rad.
STEWART
Guys, this is Cindi, with an
“I.”
KYLE
Thanks Cindi. With an I. Good
Idea.
BJORN
40.
(to Animal)
Doesn't she have two eyes?
Animal shrugs.
CINDI
And these phone books should
help you with the numbers.
You'll have to write them down,
but-
Kyle scans the newspapers and points his finger on a
LISTING
that reads “JUST STAGGER INN. LIVE MUSIC NIGHTLY.”
KYLE
Stewart... look up this number.
CINDI
That was fast.
BJORN
We don't mess around. I mean...
not in the sense you think I was
not thinking of.
KYLE
Animal, hand me the phone.
Animal pulls the bag phone out of his backpack.
CINDI
I hope everything works out for
you. I mean, killing Duran
Duran and all.
KYLE
Shit, Stewart.
STEWART
She's cool.
CINDI
I'm cool.
(to Stewart)
Call me if it works out.
STEWART
41.
I'll call you.
KYLE
Get on the phone, call boy.
We've got to get moving.
DREAM SEQUENCE - EXT. TROPICAL RESORT - AFTERNOON
Stewart reclines poolside, sipping a neon green beverage
with multiple umbrellas and large pieces of fruit.
Gorgeous women relax on every chair. No men in sight. A
bikini-clad Cindi brings him a fresh drink.
CINDI
May I get you anything else,
Master?
Stewart gawks, then turns his head to the left to see a
RADIANT REDHEAD setting next him. She eyes him
seductively, and puckers her lips to form a kiss.
RADIANT REDHEAD
Anything Stewart. Anything. A
massage? A Bundt cake?
Stewart, shocked again turns his head to the right to see
BREATHTAKING BLOND. She leaves her chair, sits on
Stewart's chair, cozies up, wraps her arms around his neck,
and moves in for a kiss
BREATHTAKING BLOND
Oh Stewart, life is so choice
without Duran Duran around.
She kisses Stewart deeply and he plays an invisible guitar.
END DREAM SEQUENCE
INT. KYLE’S APARTMENT - TUESDAY MORNING.
Stewart sleeps on the couch. Fang is lying on his chest,
giving him a mouth-to-mouth lick-fest. Stewart begins to
wake.
STEWART
(mumbling dreamily)
Oh yeah, baby. Don't stop
believing.
HALLWAY
42.
Kyle turns the corner to the living room and sees and hears
the action on the couch. He U-turns, amused and disgusted,
and walks back down the hall. He knocks on a bedroom door.
KYLE
Grant? You awake?
GRANT
Sure. Come in.
GRANT'S ROOM
looks like a Radio Shack exploded in a science lab.
Electronic gizmos abound. Grant looks like he hadn’t slept
all night.
KYLE
Did you get it built? Is it
ready? Does it work?
GRANT
Yeah, this bad boy's geeked out
more than a Commodore 64. Let's
load it in the van.
LIVING ROOM
Grant and Kyle round the corner to the living room to see
Stewart sitting up, groggy, rubbing his eyes. Fang humps
the divan, then licks his balls.
STEWART
Man, I had the most awesome
dream.
KYLE
I'll bet you did. C’mon, let’s
load the gear. We've got to
fly.
INT. VAN - DAY
Animal sleeps in a captain's chair, covered in a Star Wars
blanket.
EXT. APARTMENT PARKING LOT - DAY
Stewart and Kyle approach the van with duffel bags, a
guitar, and Fang following.
43.
INT. VAN - DAY
Stewart and Kyle snap open the doors and Animal wakes.
Animal throws the blanket aside.
KYLE
Ready to rumble?
Animal looks next to his chair and sees box of Ho Ho’s, a
bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos, and a pair of wooden drum
sticks.
ANIMAL
Rarin’ to go. Been waiting for
you guys. Pull the tarp off the
trailer and let's ride.
INT. BJORN'S BEDROOM - DAY
Bjorn, dressed, sits on the edge of his bed. A duffel bag
on one side, and a young woman, SARAH, in a robe and
slippers, sits on the other side.
SARAH
It doesn’t sound very thought
out to me. Playing three gigs
across the country, hoping for a
big break? Seems like you’re
running away from the I.N.S. and
leaving me to fend for myself.
I don’t see any winners here.
BJORN
I know it sounds crazy, but it's
only one week. One week. This
is our shot. If the wheels fall
off, I’ll come back. Mrs.
Janikowski will take me back.
Remember, I’m the only Swedish
masseuse in town.
Sarah chuckles, reaches out and hugs Bjorn. A CAR HORN
outside BLASTS the Star Wars theme.
SARAH
Well go on then -- and may the
force be with you.
BJORN
44.
Always.
INT. BECKY’S BEDROOM - MORNING.
Her palatial bedroom drips with all things Boy Band, with
posters, cut-outs, and life-sized cardboard dolls of bands
like Menudo and New Kids on the Block. Becky closes the
latch on the last of five large pieces of luggage. She
slides an Atlas and various state maps into her backpack.
Her dad walks into the room.
MR. STANSBURY
Pumpkin? I’m just not sure
about you driving to Harvard on
your own? I’m proud of you, but
terribly worried. We should fly
you out.
BECKY
Daddy, I'll be fine. You keep
forgetting, I’m a Stansbury,
too. I won’t be denied.
MR. STANSBURY
You can’t keep a Stansbury down.
Okay dear, but...
Mr. Stansbury pulls the curtain to the side, and views a
SPARKLING 1984 CORVETTE
in the driveway.
MR. STANSBURY
No daughter of mine is going
cross country in that American
nuisance. Take my Beemer.
He hands her his keys.
MR. STANSBURY
And here’s some more cash and my
credit card. I don’t want you
staying at any two-bit hotels.
BECKY
Daddy, you’re the best. This
trip is the beginning of the
rest of my life. It's perfect,
45.
like a John Hughes film.
Mr. Stansbury gives her a hug and leaves the room. Becky
pulls a concert poster of Duran Duran out of her purse (the
same style of poster shown earlier).
INT. VAN – TUESDAY MORNING
The excited band drives away, Kyle driving, Stewart
shotgun, and Bjorn and Animal in the back.
BJORN
What’s the math on this trip?
KYLE
Simple. Eight hours to Memphis,
play a gig. Day two, 12 hours
to Cleveland, play a gig. Day
three, 10 hours to Boston,
destroy Duran Duran, get famous,
and then it gets a little vague
after that.
ANIMAL
Yeah. Flawless.
BJORN
Hey, isn’t Amanda in Boston? You
should look her up.
KYLE
No, we are not going there.
Well, yes, we actually are going
there, but not there. No way.
Her moving truck told me how she
felt.
STEWART
And if being a Duran Duran
slayer doesn’t work out, no harm
anyway. We return the gear and
go back to slinging yogurt,
tearing tickets, working the
massage garage, and.. whatever
it is you do, Animal.
KYLE
As a bonus, Becky's probably
waiting for us back at the
46.
Airport Ramada.
The band breaks out in laughter.
INT. BECKY'S CAR - DAY
Becky, in Pat Benatar garb, talks on the phone while she
tails the van and trailer.
She reads a
BUMPER STICKER
on the trailer that says, “ARE YOU AS CLOSE TO GOD AS YOU
ARE TO MY BUMPER?”
BECKY
(into phone)
Way! In Boston. Duran Duran’s
last gig is in Boston before
they go back to Europe. This is
definitely the biggest gig we’ve
ever scored.
FLASHBACK – BECKY'S BOY CRUSHES
SERIES OF SHOTS
-- Pre-school boy playing the glockenspiel. Pre-school
Becky sits across from him swooning dreamily.
-- 2nd grade boy plays an auto-harp, with 2nd grade Becky’s
loving approval.
-- Quick head shot of Donny Osmond.
-- 4th grade boy plays a recorder, with 4th grade Becky at
his side.
-- Magazine cover of “Teen Beat Magazine” with David
Cassidy on the cover.
-- 5th grade boy plays trumpet with 5th grade Becky looking
at him in rapture.
-- Quick head shot of Leif Garrett.
-- 8th grade boy playing timpani, with 8th grade Becky’s
approval.
47.
-- Head shot of Sean Cassidy.
-- 11th grade high school jazz band saxophone boy with 11th
grade Becky in cheerleading uniform adoring him.
-- Head shot of Rick Springfield.
-- Head shot of George Michael.
-- Footage of Buoyant String in performance at Jenks High
School Prom. The Background music continues.
BACK TO PRESENT DAY
EXT. WHATABURGER DRIVE-THRU - DAY
The band stands in the drive-thru line.
EXT. USED CAR LOT – DAY
Becky parks across the street from Whataburger.
INT. BECKY’S CAR - DAY
Becky with her phone to her ear.
BECKY'S FRIEND (V.O.)
(on phone)
...and your dad let you
have the Beemer for the trip?
BECKY
Not exactly. He thinks I’m on
one of those trips to explore
Harvard.
BECKY'S FRIEND (V.O.)
(on phone)
Isn’t he going to blow his
yogurt when he finds out?
BECKY
I have a plan that will launch
our band. He won’t complain
after our first million, trust
me.
Becky watches as a man comes out of Whataburger with a
bull-horn, and four smiling employees stumble behind him.
One employee holds a
48.
GIANT OVER-SIZED BANK CHECK
that reads “FREE ALL BEEF WHATABURGERS FOR ONE YEAR.”
The employee hands Animal the check, and the Bullhorn man
shakes his hands, congratulatory.
INT. VAN - MEMPHIS OUTSKIRTS - EVENING
The road-weary band -- 487 miles, and 8 hours tired -- pass
a sign reading, “WELCOME TO MEMPHIS.”
ANIMAL
Are we there yet? Do we get
food? I need fuel.
KYLE
No food, no drinks, not sure
about the service.
The band exchanges worried glances
KYLE
This gig is about two words.
Gas Money.
STEWART
(to Animal)
I think we have some Pizza
Palace left overs. It’s day
three. It should be ripe.
Bjorn finds the pizza, scrapes something off, and takes a
bite.
BJORN
Mmm. Tastes like chicken.
EXT. JUST STAGGER INN - NIGHT
The Van pulls into the parking lot. A portable
ROADSIDE BLINKING SIGN
reading “JUST STAGGER INN” guides them. The van sits
dwarfed by big rigs and monster trucks.
ANIMAL
Did anyone pack overalls and
cowboy boots?
49.
The van pulls around to the back entrance.
A MAN
urinates on a dumpster and notices the van approaching. He
looks over his shoulder and nods. He finishes, flips down
his apron, and turns around. He wipes his hands on his
apron, which hasn’t been washed in a year or two, then
approaches the van.
MAN
Shitter's busted. You the band?
I’m Roy.
KYLE
Howdy Roy. Yup.
ROY
Get set up. Yer on after the
Power Hour.
ANIMAL
Wow! Robert Palmer's here?
STEWART
Not the Power Station, you
muppet. He said power hour.
INT. JUST STAGGER INN – STAGE - EVENING
The band finishes setting up the equipment. They wear
street clothes, with no big hair, no make-up. Roy
approaches the microphone.
ROY
Listen up. It’s time for the
Power Hour. There’s the clock.
Roy points to a big plastic Pabst Blue Ribbon clock.
ROY
When I plug it in, you got one
hour. Twenty-five cent draws
for an hour. All you can drink
until someone goes to piss or
puke. By the way, the shitter's
broke.
The packed room HOOTS and HOLLERS. He plugs in the clock,
50.
sets the arms to 12:00, and the second hand begins to move.
STEWART
Gentleman, I’ve got some
quarters burning a hole in my
pocket. Let’s drink.
The band rushes the bar and begins drinking like rowdy
pirates. A hundred pre-filled 12 oz. cups await the
patrons.
INT. JUST STAGGER INN – STAGE - LATER
Roy grabs the microphone with an Elvis hip shake.
ROY
Forty minutes. Yawl ‘bout to
pop yet? Use the dumpster.
Step lively.
BAR
A patron suddenly stands up and staggers uneasily toward
the back exit. The crowd BOOS and chugs their beer, hoping
for a quick refill. A couple patrons grab his arm to keep
him from leaving the room.
KYLE
Time for work.
The band has trouble with the steps, staggers, then crawls
up on stage.
ANIMAL
Guys, I can’t feel my feet.
STEWART
I can't feel them either.
BJORN
I think PBR should stand for
Piss, Barf, and ...
He blasts out a reverberating belch.
BJORN
... Raaaallllph.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - WEDNESDAY MORNING
51.
AN ALARM CLOCK
turns from 5:59 to 6:00 AM. A bouncy 80's Pop song plays.
A shoe thrown from O.S. pegs the alarm.
INT. VAN - TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Bjorn rides shotgun. He reaches to insert an audio tape.
ANIMAL
Bjorn, if you play one more Abba
song, I swear, I’ll puke Power
Hour PBR all Over you.
Bjorn retreats his hand.
STEWART
Did we get the $300.
KYLE
Well, some of it.
ANIMAL, STEWART, BJORN, FANG
(in Unison)
What!
KYLE
We devoured $55 worth of beer
and snacks, and Animal broke the
PBR clock which cost us another
$200, leaving us with $45. On
the bright side, Roy gave us
four tickets to Graceland.
BJORN
Graceland? How are we going to
get to Africa?
STEWART
You dumb Swede. Graceland is
the home of Elvis Presley.
EXT. GRACELAND MEMPHIS - MORNING
The van pulls into an empty parking lot.
INT. VAN - MORNING
KYLE
You guys go in. I've got a mean
52.
hangover.
INT./EXT. VAN – LATER
Bjorn, Stewart, and Animal exit the van and walk away.
Kyle stumbles out of the van.
EXT. GRACELAND LAWN - DAY
Kyle follows a sidewalk into a park-like area. He rubs his
temples and groans in discomfort. He sees a bottle of
OLD CROW WHISKEY
under a bush nearby. He picks it up and holds it like it
feels heavy. He unscrews the top, noticing something
shocking inside. He pulls it closer to his eye to get a
good look.
INT. WHISKEY BOTTLE
Kyle, from above, views the pink satin-covered interior of
the genie bottle, in the TV show “I Dream of Genie.”
He sees Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, and Jim Morrison watching MTV.
ELVIS
Sure, Paula Abdul is hot, but
she wouldn’t know talent if it
walked across the stage.
KYLE (V.O.)
There’s no way this is
happening.
Elvis, Jimi, and Jim Look up from below.
ELVIS
Way, Kyle, way.
KYLE
I know I’m hung over, but this
is unbelievable.
JIMI
What’s unbelievable is you
wanting to quit this band, and
go sell yogurt.
53.
KYLE
You know about that?
ELVIS
Oh yeah. Here’s something else
unbelievable. A story about a
young man from Tupelo
Mississippi, who wanted to make
a record for his mama. This one
action took me down a road that
produced 149 songs on the top
100, 150 certified gold records,
or singles, and roles in oodles
of movies.
JIMI
(laughing)
Yeah man, but most of those
movies sucked, man.
JIM MORRISON
The tendrils of opportunity,
connect the universe, and like
the windblown seeds of life, are
taken to their --
ELVIS
Shut up Morrison.
JIMI
What he’s trying to say is, make
your opportunity. Leave no
regrets.
ELVIS
He’s right. Where would I be
right now if I hadn’t taken that
first step to get noticed?
JIMI
Shit sucka, not in no genie
bottle, that's for sure, fool.
EXT. GRACELAND - DAY
Kyle has the bottle near his eye, but notices the other
band members returning.
54.
KYLE
I've got to run, guys. Any last
nugget of advice?
INT. GENIE BOTTLE - DAY
ELVIS
You bet. Three important
things. First, push for your
dreams, and everything will be
alright. Second, can you please
toss us into the Mississippi
River on the way out of town?
We really need a vacation. And
third, stay away from the PBR.
Hendrix, Morrison, and Elvis bust into LAUGHTER as Kyle
screws the cap on, muting them. Kyle walks back to the van
with the bottle and gets in.
INT. VAN – MORNING
KYLE
That was quick.
BJORN
It’s not open until 8:00. Let’s
roll.
EXT. VAN – FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
A hand holds a whiskey bottle out of the passenger's side
window, pauses, then throws it over the Mississippi River
bridge railing.
INT. VAN - DAY
STEWART
Guys, we’re halfway there. And
we're halfway home. Man, I
don’t wanna say this, but maybe
we should go back.
KYLE
Look, let’s nip this in the bud.
I know it sucks right now.
We’re broke. Tired. Hung-over.
It’s gonna be hard. It's
supposed to be hard. Anything
55.
good must be worth fighting for.
Stewart massages his temple.
KYLE
Fame and fortune don’t fall out
of pawn shops, guys. Bjorn ...
people you’ve worked with for
two years now still don’t know
your name. Stewart ... five
more years at the Movie Barn,
and for what? Another dollar an
hour? Come on. And me. The
biggest carrot my boss offered
was a trip down yogurt lane.
We’ve got to push for our
dreams.
Stewart squints, wincing.
STEWART
Fine, but Kyle, please stop
talking.
KYLE
Are you guys still in? Or back
to Oklahoma with all the other
famous people?
BJORN
We're in, but please, please
stop talking.
EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON
A Sign reads “ENTERING KENTUCKY.”
INT. VAN - AFTERNOON
KYLE
I know we've got an uphill
battle, but it could be worse.
BJORN
Ja. Those rednecks back there
could’ve kicked our horse.
In the mirror Kyle sees a County Sheriff following the van
with lights flashing. The SIREN SCREAMS. The Sheriff car
56.
pulls the van over.
EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD - DAY
The SHERIFF walks slowly up to the van. He spins his night
stick. Wads of tobacco fly from his face. He steps
between the front of the trailer and the back of the van.
The Sheriff ponders the
STUFFED CHEWBACCA
clinging to the back of the van. Then reads “THE DAY OF THE
LORD IS NIGH” painted on the side of the church trailer. He
reads the trailer's bumper sticker, “ARE YOU AS CLOSE TO
GOD AS YOU ARE TO MY BUMPER?” and snickers.
He continues toward the driver side window.
EXT./INT. VAN - DAY
Stewart looks toward Kyle as the Sheriff pokes his head
inside the window, nosing around.
SHERIFF
License and registration.
The Sheriff slowly reads the documents -- his lips moving
-- then peers over the papers revealing a nervous Kyle. The
Sheriff squints.
SHERIFF
The trailer tag is registered to
a church in Broken Arrow,
Oklahoma. The...
The sheriff wraps on the van with his stick.
SHERIFF
...space ship here is registered
to Horton Mortimer Spavinaw. And
your name is ... Kyle Tastee?
You mind tellin’ me what yawl
doin' in my neck of Kentucky?
ANIMAL
Sir, I’m Horton Spavinaw, the
owner of the van. I’m the Music
Minister for the Faith United
Believer's Evangelical Church of
57.
Christ, and we’re late to
perform at a tent revival in
Mount Carmel, Ohio.
SHERIFF
Is that right? Let me hear your
first song.
Animal taps his tambourine and breaks into an uplifting
Gospel song.
ANIMAL
“If you’ve been pushed, kicked
around/All your troubles, gotcha
down/I’ll give you a hand right
up off that floor/And I’m gonna
give you, a little bit more.”
The band HUMS background music. The
SHERIFF
smiles slowly. He begins to tap his toes and clap his
hands enthusiastically until the high-stepping conclusion.
BAND
(in gospel response)
“I’m gonna give you, a little
bit more.”
SHERIFF
I’ll be dipped in pig shit. You
boys are the real thing. God
speed to you. God speed.
EXT. KENTUCKY HIGHWAY-DAY
The sheriff’s car escorts the van.
INT. VAN - DAY
The band celebrates, high fiving.
THE VAN SPEEDOMETER
has the words “warp speed,” scribbled in duct tape and
taped over the numbers over 100 mph.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
58.
A sign reads “NOW ENTERING MARSHALL COUNTY.” The Sheriff
stops at the county line, and waves to the van as they
continue. A Black BMW follows the van.
INT. VAN - AFTERNOON
BJORN
Animal, what happened back
there? That was better than
“Dancing Queen.”
STEWART
Never Mind that. What’s with
your name, Horton? Your parents
didn’t love you, did they?
ANIMAL
No problem. That was just a
little song I wrote for a TV
evangelist. I still get
royalties.
KYLE
See, it’s coming together. Like
Elvis said, “Push for your
dreams, and everything will be
alright.”
STEWART
What?
KYLE
Well, at Graceland, I had a
vision. And that's what Elvis
said.
BJORN
Well, no more PBR for you.
KYLE
And Elvis said that too. No PBR.
And no Old Crow.
INT. VAN - AFTERNOON – TWENTY MINUTES LATER
STEWART
We gotta stop.
KYLE
59.
We can’t. We need to make up
more time.
STEWART
We've got to stop. The Sheriff
scared the pee out of me. We've
got to stop now.
The van pulls off the highway.
EXT. QUILTING STORE AND MUSEUM – PARKING LOT - DAY
They park. The side door opens, and Stewart leaps out,
followed by the rest of the band.
BJORN
strolls to a nearby pay phone.
INT. PEDUCAH QUILTING STORE - DAY
The guys walk toward the restrooms, pausing in awe of the
Jimi Hendrix quilt on display.
INT. PEDUCAH QUILTING STORE – TWO MINUTES LATER
Stewart stares at the cash register. A white-haired
CASHIER hands Stewart some change, a receipt, and a large
sack with the top of a quilt sticking out.
CASHIER
We’ll, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.
Like we quilters always say,
there’s two ways to keep your
man comfortable at night. A
nice warm quilt ... and a hot
blow job.
The cashier pops the inside of her cheek with her tongue.
Stewart stares, stunned. She continues with the “hand job”
motion, and a few flicks of her tongue.
The other band members approach and she returns to being
old-fashioned “Granny.” They smack him on the shoulder,
snapping him out of his shock, then leave the store.
OLD CASHIER.
You all come back now, ya here.
60.
EXT. QUILTING MUSEUM PARKING LOT - DAY
ANIMAL
What’s wrong Stewart, you look
like you saw a ghost?
STEWART
I think that old lady just hit
on me.
The band breaks into LAUGHTER.
KYLE
If we get any more 80-year-old
groupies, we’ll send 'em your
way.
ANIMAL
(to Bjorn)
How’d the phone call to Sarah
go?
BJORN
I don’t know. The I.N.S. guys
have been bugging her, and Mrs.
Janikowski keeps calling. We’re
behind on some bills. She wants
me to come home.
STEWART
That’s a short term solution,
man. Sarah’s great, but she
won’t share our vision until it
jabs her in the Adam's apple.
Tough it out.
KYLE
Stewart’s right. And if it
doesn’t work out with Sarah, you
can always hook up with Jed
Clampet's grandma in there.
MONTAGE – HIGHWAY TIME
-- The van travels over various rural Ohio highways.
Trendy eighties music plays.
-- The band stands in a drive-thru at a Whataburger.
61.
-- The band passes various signs reading, “NOW ENTERING
THOMPSON COUNTY,” and “NOW ENTERING ROCKWELL COUNTY.”
-- Fang takes a roadside crap.
-- The sun lowers in the horizon, and a sign reads
“CLEVELAND 85 MILES.”
INT. VAN – DAY
Stewart grabs his travel cosmetic bag, and begins pulling
out various products. Eye-liner, mascara, and “Aqua
Freeze” hair spray. Stewart applies these products to
himself, Animal, and Bjorn while Kyle drives. The hair
spray runs out. He shakes it vigorously, to no avail.
Kyle nods and pulls off the highway at the next exit. He
maneuvers through a small town square, stopping at a Dime
Store.
INT. DIME STORE - DAY
The band -- done up in partial big hair, partial heavy
make-up, and various stages of their performance look --
jingle the bells on the door as they enter.
Two clerks freeze, and stare. Country music PLAYS while
they deftly move toward the cosmetic aisle. Once out of
sight, a
FRUMPY CASHIER
grabs the phone next to her register, and whispers into it.
FRUMPY CASHIER
Norman, you better get out here,
to seven G. I think they are,
well, by the looks of them, it’s
just not right.
THE BAND
casually shops for items in a hum-drum fashion, showing
each other different brands, and nod approvingly at each
other’s finds.
A 65-year-old ELDERLY STOCK BOY with a red smock bursts
through the double-swinging doors at the end of the aisle.
62.
His disheveled gray hair stands up, and his hands shake as
he approaches the band with a price gun in one hand, his
tie in the other a la Barney Fife.
ELDERY STOCK BOY
Look...
(squinting)
...boys, can I help you?
The band exchange bemused looks.
STEWART
stands closest to the man. He glances toward the band and
winks so that only they can see it. Stewart holds two
containers of rouge up to his face, and walks closer to the
clerk. Stewart bats his eyes and speaks effeminately.
STEWART
Which color goes with my eyes?
The clerk trembles, then holds up his brown price gun like
a weapon.
ELDERLY STOCK BOY
Just go back to Cincinnati or
wherever you came from, and no
one gets hurt.
CASH REGISTER
The young girl cashier completes Stewart's purchase and
hands him some change. She averts her eyes from the band.
Stewart grabs his money, then suavely embraces her hand,
attempting to look longingly into her eyes.
STEWART
So, if you aren’t doing anything
later tonight, why don’t you
come by the Whammy Bar, up in
Cleveland. I’ll get you back
stage passes. Maybe you could
come on stage and dance for us.
The young cashier nervously retreats her hand. The frumpy
cashier stands directly next to her. Stewart moves toward
the door, pauses, and looks back towards the cashiers. He
63.
gives the frumpy cashier an uneasy, deliberate, head-to-toe
undressing. The frumpy cashier clutches a clipboard close
to her chest.
STEWART
You can come too. I’ll fix you
up.
FRUMPY CASHIER
Well my heavens.
Stewart smirks, winks to the both of them and follows the
rest of the band out the door.
EXT. THE WHAMMY BAR PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The Millennium Falcon chugs into the full parking lot of
The Whammy Bar. The tired
BAND
spills out of the van in Fast Times at Ridgemont High
fashion minus the smoke. They scoot past several bikers
sitting on their Harley's, on their way to the door.
BIKER 1
(calling behind them)
You girls better be better than
last week's band. They sucked.
But they blew, later.
INT. THE WHAMMY BAR – NIGHT
ANIMAL
(under his breath)
Shit. This is a metal bar.
The band weaves through the dark bar filled with people
wearing black, heavy-metal chains, and studs. MUSIC BLARES
from a boom box behind the bar.
People stare, laugh, and point at the band as they walk.
KYLE
Keep moving.
A CLOCK READS 7:10.
The band flows toward the bar, Stewart leading, the others
a few steps back. A tattooed BARTENDER with an eye patch,
64.
a leather vest, and bare chest sniffs Stewart as they
approach.
BJORN
(yelling to Animal)
Did he just smell Stewart?
ANIMAL
(yelling)
I think he wants to cuddle with
him.
The bartender reaches over to the boom box and flips a
switch, and the music quits.
BJORN
(yelling)
You want to cuddle with him?
The bartender lifts his eye patch and looks confusingly at
Bjorn. He discards the comment and sniffs again.
BARTENDER
You smell nice. You with the
band?
STEWART
We are the band.
BARTENDER
You're the band?
He steps out from behind the bar and he wears only leather
chaps over tight bike shorts on his legs.
BARTENDER
Well it's War Metal Wednesday,
kids.
STEWART
We know.
The other band members look shocked.
STEWART
(whispering to the
guys)
Just like Billy Idol. We can do
this.
65.
BARTENDER
This ain't no white wedding.
I can maybe see you playing
Freaker's Friday, if you put on
some masks or something, but on
War Metal Wednesday? It's gonna
hurt you more than it does me.
You say you booked it with
Ripper?
STEWART
Yeah. I talked to him a few
nights ago.
FLASHBACK - INT. LIBRARY – MONDAY NIGHT
STEWART
Do you have an opening this
Wednesday?
EXT. THE WHAMMY BAR – NIGHT
Two men wheel off giant speakers and other equipment to a
truck marked Repot Depot.
INT. THE WHAMMY BAR – OFFICE - NIGHT
RIPPER sits in his office chair holding the phone and
smoking with his right hand, his left arm in a sling.
RIPPER
Do you have your own equipment?
INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT
STEWART
Yeah. We have equipment.
RIPPER (V.O.)
You're booked. We do War Metal
on Wednesday night.
The PHONE CLICKS in Stewart's ear. He hangs up, nodding.
STEWART
We got it.
BACK TO PRESENT DAY
66.
The bartender steps back behind the bar, amused. He turns
the music back on, pulls four shot glasses from somewhere
below, lines them up and fills them to the brim with liquid
from a large, brown plastic bottle, and from another clear
plastic bottle. Then he pulls out a small glass jar and
uses a toothpick to remove something that looks like a
brown oyster. He plops one in each shot, then motions for
the band to partake.
Kyle steps up and holds the shot glass. The others follow.
BAND
Thanks.
The bartender nods.
BARTENDER
Good luck tonight. Ripper's in
back.
The guys swallow their shots, nearly gagging on them, but
they finish them off and place the glasses back on the bar.
BARTENDER
Gizzard.
STEWART
What?
BARTENDER
Gizzard. The shot. It's my
specialty. I made it up.
Gizzard.
Bjorn opens his mouth, but Animal interrupts.
ANIMAL
Don't ask.
INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE – NIGHT
Ripper sits in his chair, smoking, looking toward the back
wall. He's in the same pose as the last flashback, as if
he hasn't moved. Then suddenly, he spins and eyes them.
RIPPER
You're the band?
STEWART
Buoyant String. Yes sir. At
67.
your service.
RIPPER
Did you bring your sound system?
The band turns to one another, perplexed.
KYLE
In the van.
RIPPER
Unload it. You're on in three
hours.
THE CLOCK READS 10:00 P.M.
The MUSIC fades up and the band is PLAYING “We Got the
Beat” in Death-Metal style, barely distinguishable vocals,
and no keyboard. The band members wear only tight pants,
no shirts, and their nipples are outlined by red rings from
lipstick.
Kyle thrashes and kicks over the microphone in a zealous
finale, and the feedback sends the crowd into a minor
frenzy.
EXT. HAIR SUPPLY BEAUTY SUPPLY – PARKING LOT - DAY
The hungover band stumbles across the pink-tinted asphalt
and into the Hair Supply Beauty Supply store.
INT. HAIR SUPPLY – DAY
An Air Supply song PLAYS on the MUZAK as the band strolls
to the hair dryer aisle.
A wall of hairdryers dwarf the rest of the aisle.
ANIMAL
These really blow.
The fabulous CLERK appears silently behind them.
FAB CLERK
Did someone say blow?
BJORN
(turning to the
clerk)
Jah, my XG3000 died last night.
68.
FAB CLERK
You have -– had -– an XG3000?
You can't get those in The
States, you know.
STEWART
That's our greatest fear.
BJORN
Do you have a certified
technician here?
FAB CLERK
There's only one technician with
the equipment to handle an
XG3000, and he's 1200 miles away
-– in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
The band looks at one another, stunned.
FAB CLERK
But -– could I interest you in a
Ronco Blow Bro? For the man in
all of us. “Just Blow It, and
Stow It!”
BAND
No way.
FAB CLERK
You prefer imports, don't you?
BJORN
Jah.
FAB CLERK
How about the new FabioBlow –
with detachable Follicle
Frollicle.
KYLE
No thanks. It's the XG3000 for
us, or nothing.
STEWART
We need big hair. We need big
everything.
A built brunette woman with big hair and big everything
69.
enters the aisle. She appears to be a hooker.
BUILT BRUNETTE
You guys need a hot blow?
The band guys raise their hands, too stunned to speak.
FAB CLERK
Bitch.
The pissy clerk spins and shuffles away.
BUILT BRUNETTE
I've got what you guys need.
I've got it in the trunk.
STEWART
That's for sure. It's loaded.
EXT. HAIR SUPPLY PARKING LOT – DAY
The band stands behind the brunette who opens the hatch of
a Datsun 280ZX. She bends over and Stewart eyes her rear.
STEWART
Really, she's got it in the
trunk.
A stack of XG3000s sparkle in her car.
INT. BECKY’S BMW - OHIO FREEWAY - DAY
Becky tailgates the Millennium Falcon staring blankly at
the back of the trailer. She speaks on her phone with a
disguised voice, and sounds like a tough New York stock
broker.
BECKY
Yes, that’s what I’m saying. If
you want the scoop on this band,
you better be there.
VOICE ON PHONE
The playbill says, quote, “The
Flaming Monkeys” will be the
opening act.
BECKY
Well, you media people should be
the first to know not to believe
70.
everything you read in the
paper.
Becky pulls the phone away from her ear and partly covers
it.
BECKY
(yelling away from
the phone)
Tell Mary Hart to chill her
friggin' jets, I'm on the phone.
Christ!
BECKY
(into phone)
Look, I'm giving you guys the
scoop first. I hate those
pricks at Channel Four. But if
you aren’t interested in getting
the exclusive, fine, I’ll take
my P.R. elsewhere.
VOICE ON PHONE
No, no, Ms. Goldstein. You took
it out of context. Of course
we’d like to cover it. It’s
huge, their last stop in North
America, and with the hot new
band, and their new it girl.
What time is the press
conference?
BECKY
6:00 p.m. at the Hilton. Look,
I gotta go.
Becky abruptly hangs up the phone mid sentence to answer
another call.
EXT. RAMBLERS MOTOR LODGE - THURSDAY NIGHT
The band sees a seedy motel that hit its prime in the '60s.
The van pulls into the drive.
INT. VAN – NIGHT
The band members cringe at their new lodging.
ANIMAL
71.
Another day in paradise.
STEWART
Look, we're paying our dues.
Someday, we will be shacking up
at the Hilton, and this will be
a faded memory. Hell, we may
even score the Hilton in London,
or party inside the Paris
Hilton.
EXT. MOTOR LODGE – NIGHT
The van parks.
A NEON SIGN
blinks “RAMBLER'S MOTOR LODGE,” erratically, with various
letter blinking off. The letters stick showing RAM ERS
LODE.
Becky’s BMW pulls to the side of the road in front of the
hotel. She watches the van park at the front office, then
looks up toward the sign.
BECKY
Rammer's Lode. Classy. It’s no
Paris Hilton.
INT. MOTOR LODGE - FRONT OFFICE - NIGHT
Two hastily-made signs taped to the door read “HOURLY RATES
AVAILABLE,” and “ASK ME ABOUT CLEAN SHEETS.”
The band eyes the bamboo thatched walls, Tiki-style
decorations, a giant Tiki-faced totem pole, a glowing
simulated volcano with steam and colorful streamers, and
the ensemble of plastic palm trees.
A huge CLERK adjusts himself behind the counter. Samples
of breakfast, lunch, and dinner add flair to his filthy
wife-beater T-shirt. He looks up from his Jugs magazine to
see the band enter with their big hair. He SNICKERS.
CLERK
(condescending, and
in mock flirtation)
Well hell-ow ladies. Sorry, the
Honeymoon Suite is taken.
72.
EXT/INT. HILTON HOTEL – BOSTON – NIGHT
Becky parks the BMW. A prompt attendant opens her door.
ATTENDANT
Miss Goldstein, we’ve been
expecting you.
A staff of attendants unload her luggage and whisk Becky to
the front desk. Becky wears a power suit with overstuffed
shoulder pads.
INT. RAMBLERS MOTOR LODGE - FRONT DESK – NIGHT
KYLE
I have reservations for Tastee.
The clerks LAUGHS and puts down his magazine, picks up the
reservation book and gathers some items.
CLERK
This takes the cake. Now I can
retire in Sri Lanka with Miss
July.
The band exchange glances of annoyance and embarrassment.
The man hands Kyle a key on a Tiki idol key chain.
CLERK
Room 69. If you ladies need to
use the bathroom, here’s the
key.
He hands Kyle the next key on a large wooden paddle with
the word “MENS” on it.
CLERK
European facilities. And only
one person at a time please.
And no biting the pillows.
He laughs at his own joke, as the band leaves meekly.
BJORN
He was much nicer than the last
motel clerk.
They nod.
BJORN
73.
But, why would we be pillow
biting?
INT. HILTON HOTEL - THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE – NIGHT
Several attendants deftly stow Becky’s luggage, as she
plops down on the enormous, comfy bed. She slips them some
yogurt coupons for a tip.
INT. MOTOR LODGE - ROOM 69 – NIGHT
The Tiki theme continues. The band drops their luggage
and eye their accouterments. A twin bed with a cot to
either side, a tattered wicker dresser, and a plastic,
three-way folding chaise patio lounge chair fill the room.
KYLE
Don’t get too comfortable. We
still have work to do.
STEWART
Don't worry about that.
KYLE
Tomorrow is Double D-Day. We
know Duran Duran will be at the
Enormodome, and we know they
aren’t living it up, here. So,
we've got to find them by
tomorrow night. Ideas?
ANIMAL
We can ask the desk clerk, I’m
sure he’s connected.
INT. HILTON - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE – NIGHT
Becky sits at a desk. The phone rings. She picks it up.
BECKY
(in heavy New York
accent)
John Stewart with MTV? Never
heard of you. Grab the red-eye,
and get out here if you want a
taste before we go international
with double Duran. Friday
night. 6:00 p.m. press
conference. Hilton. Boston.
74.
Ciao.
Becky smiles slyly, grabs a pen, and makes another check-
mark on a clipboard.
INT. MOTOR LODGE - ROOM 69 - NIGHT
The band members stare at one another, stumped, and silent.
BJORN
We could just start calling
hotels. How many can their be?
Animal opens the desk drawer and pulls out the biggest
yellow pages ever seen.
ANIMAL
Here you go.
Animal tosses the phone book on the bed. The bed
collapses, and folds inward on the book.
A SOUND coming from the room next door breaks the silence.
A SQUEAKING bed grows into head-board banging from the
other side. A woman begins moaning, and the moans increase
in intensity. She eventually sounds like she is either
having the best sex of her life, or she’s being beaten to
death with a wild animal.
BJORN
Is she going to be okay?
The screaming suddenly stops. Dead silence. The band
members exchange glances of obvious concern for her health.
WOMAN
(shouting through the
wall)
I’ll be fine honey. Just give
us another 20 minutes.
EXT./INT. VAN – NIGHT
The band climbs into the van. Kyle, frustrated, turns the
key and adjusts the radio. The last few seconds to Duran
Duran’s song a “View to a Kill” fade out.
RADIO DJ
Looking to have a killer time?
Duran Duran will be signing
75.
cassettes at the Hill Valley
Mall Friday afternoon, before
their concert at the Enormodome.
Cassettes will be available for
sale --
Kyle turns off the radio.
KYLE
Mission accomplished.
EXT. HILL VALLEY MALL – DAY
The band huddles conspiculously outside the Millennium
Falcon in a secluded part of the parking lot.
Kyle opens the back of the Falcon and pulls out a
BLACK OBJECT
the size of a clock radio with the words “Homing Device”
written on duct tape and stuck to it.
KYLE
Here it is. And, there's Duran
Duran's limo.
STEWART
“We're gonna need a bigger
boat.”
KYLE
I'm on it. Duran Duran's
inside, and the driver's the
only one watching.
Kyle nonchalantly moves toward the limo, the black object
behind his back, under his shirt.
A flock of attractive, jabbering girls move toward the mall
entrance. The chauffeur gawks, ignoring Kyle.
KYLE
swoops in and attaches the black object underneath the back
bumper of the limo, then walks toward the mall entrance.
INT. HILL VALLEY MALL – DAY
The band hooks up with Kyle inside the mall.
76.
KYLE
Let's go check out the
competition.
ANIMAL
I want to get something to eat.
I'm starved.
BJORN
Yah, I'm hungry like the ulf.
ANIMAL
Hungry like the ulf? It's wolf
you moron, not ulf. You Swedes
can't remember shit.
BJORN
Æd lort, asshole. I'm Danish.
STEWART
(trying to ignore
them)
I could use a tasty treat,
myself. No offense to you, Mr.
Tastee. And no danishes,
either. I need real food.
KYLE
I'll meet you Wookiees back at
the Falcon in an hour. I want
to size up Simon and the boys.
KYLE
walks away from the guys toward a flood of people flowing
toward Duran Duran. Giant speakers BLAST “Girls on Film.”
Kyle stops in front of a Radio Shack to get a view of the
action.
A television shows MTV, and Kyle glances toward it.
MARTHA QUINN (ON MTV)
gives commentary, then plays snippets of live Duran Duran
concerts and backstage action.
KURT LODER (ON TV)
begins giving the news, when
77.
AMANDA
approaches Kyle from behind.
KURT LODER (V.O)
And you're not going to believe
the news.
AMANDA
Tastee Freeze! Oh my God!
Kyle, is that really you? What
are you doing here?
Kyle visualizes beautiful Amanda running on the beach,
similar to the previous scene. His eyes glaze and his
mouth gapes.
AMANDA
Kyle? Are you okay?
Kyle turns to see Amanda for the first time since they
broke up six months ago.
KYLE
Amanda? Hey! Wow. You look
great. You're hair's different,
but I love it!
AMANDA
Like it? It's the Carrie Fisher
bun.
KYLE
Wow. Call me Jabba.
AMANDA
(blushing)
Jim's company's having a Star
Wars party tomorrow night.
KYLE
Jim?
AMANDA
My friend Jim. He's an
accountant.
KYLE
78.
Tomorrow night? You can't. Not
tomorrow night. My band's
playing. We're playing at the
Enormodome tomorrow night. Jim?
Who is Jim again?
AMANDA
He's a friend. You're playing
where?
KYLE
The Enormodome. With Duran
Duran. That's why we're here
today.
AMANDA
Whatever, Kyle. You're sooo
full of it. You're stalking me,
aren't you?
KYLE
Stalking you? Look who's
talking. I'm wandering through
the mall and wham you show up.
Who's stalking who, Amanda?
KURT LODER ON MTV
We have breaking news, that in
Boston, an unlikely band from
Tulsa, Oklahoma will open for
Duran Duran Saturday night.
They are being billed as the new
INXS.
KYLE
(stunned)
See. Did you hear that? We're
the new INXS! We're opening for
Duran Duran?
AMANDA
I don't know what to think,
Kyle. When I left town, all you
were interested in was the
yogurt shop.
KYLE
I'm over that, Amanda. Come to
the show tomorrow night. I'll
79.
have tickets for you at the
gate. Please come.
KURT LODER ON MTV (O.S.)
And by the looks of it, she has
the on-stage pizazz of Pat
Benatar, Madonna, and Rick
Springfield combined.
AMANDA
Sorry Kyle. I've got Jim's
party. I'd love to come, but --
KYLE
I know. You're obligated. You
were always obligated.
AMANDA
You're never going to change
Kyle. You never take risks.
KYLE
I'm here, aren't I?
Kyle eyes the mob on the move. Duran Duran begins leaving
the mall.
KYLE
I've got to run, Amanda.
Really. I've got to go. It was
great seeing you, but I've got a
limo to catch. Risks to take.
And this is the big one.
AMANDA
Sure, whatever. Just go, Kyle.
Just go.
Kyle runs toward the food court to gather the guys.
EXT./INT. VAN - FRIDAY MORNING.
The band scrambles to the Falcon. Stewart drives, Kyle
rides shotgun, Animal and Bjorn bicker in the back seats.
Fang wears a child's Darth Vader mask. From a distance,
five fashionable rock stars pile into a stretch limo
nearby.
80.
STEWART
There they are. Fasten your
seat belts. We’ll be safe once
we make the jump to hyper speed.
EXT. HILL VALLEY MALL – DAY
The limo pulls away from the mall entrance where hundreds
of fans wave and SCREAM for Duran Duran. The van takes off
after the limo.
INT. VAN - DAY
KYLE
Stewart. Guys, wait. Listen.
Something huge has happened. In
the mall. We can’t kill these
guys.
ANIMAL
Too late. This is our density.
BJORN
He’s right. We didn’t drive
1200 miles to spend the night at
the Rambler's Motor Lodge.
Either we kill them, or they
kill us.
KYLE
Seriously. Dudes. There was a
TV at Radio Shack, and Kurt
Loder on MTV said we are opening
for Duran Duran tomorrow night.
STEWART
Everyone knows the Flaming
Monkeys are opening for them.
Oh shit, I almost forgot. The
soundtrack. Pop in the tape.
Kyle leans forward, and reluctantly pushes in the tape. A
Duran Duran song plays.
KYLE
Listen. MTV just said, quote,
“Buoyant String is opening for
Duran Duran at the Enormodome.”
81.
ANIMAL
Bullshit.
EXT. BOSTON STREETS - DAY
The limo moves quickly through traffic on a busy street.
It starts to pull away from the van.
INT. VAN - DAY
BJORN
Bullshits. And giggles, they
always say. Bullshits and
giggles. Take it off impulse
power, and kick in the warp
drive.
KYLE
You’re not listening to me.
STEWART
Animal. It’s time to use your
skills. Fire up Grant's Pac-
Tracker.
Animal takes off his seatbelt, leaps up, and goes to the
back of the van. He reaches for a large black blanket that
looks to be covering a refrigerator. He pulls it back to
reveal the PacMan arcade game that Grant has modified to
follow the homing device.
STEWART
Turn it on. I’m losing them.
ANIMAL
Where’s the switch?
STEWART
(to Kyle)
Where’s the switch? Where’s the
Switch!
KYLE
Guys, listen. We are opening
for Duran Duran, tonight.
STEWART
Kyle, you been pounding PBR
Again? Damn it. Elvis warned
82.
you about that. Where's the
switch?
BJORN
Here's a quarter.
Animal inserts the quarter, and the familiar PacMan arcade
SONG PLAYS.
THE PACMAN
A blip appears in the PacMan maze.
ANIMAL
I’m in. I see the limo. Turn
left.
Through the windshield the limo turns left at the
intersection. The SOUNDS of PACMAN continue from the back
of the van.
KYLE
Amanda will tell you. We saw a
TV at the mall, and MTV news
reported it.
STEWART
Amanda? You have been pounding
PBR, haven’t you? Or wait, let
me guess, another vision, right?
Dude, welcome to reality here.
We're killing Duran Duran --
this is our chance. You want to
be famous, don't you?
KYLE
Have I ever lied to you guys?
BJORN.
Three words. Sweet Palace Gig.
STEWART
(yelling to Animal)
Which way?
ANIMAL
Left. Then right. Oh, look,
there’s a kumquat.
83.
STEWART
Bjorn’s got you by the short
ones there. Enough said.
EXT. BOSTON STREETS - DAY
The van continues to tail the large stretch limo. The band
sways together left and right in Star Trek-fashion. Animal
holds on for dear life. The PacMan’s SIREN SOUND increases
in intensity. Then we HEAR the DEATH SOUND the game makes.
ANIMAL
I need another quarter. Hurry.
Bjorn releases his seat belt, quickly stands, and digs for
change in his pocket. He finds some, and inserts them into
the machine. The game warms to life again.
ANIMAL
I’m in. Turn left, look out for
Blinky. Okay, then left again.
KYLE
I can’t turn left.
STEWART
(to Kyle)
Get back on the band wagon, man.
STEWART
(yelling back to
Animal)
Where are they? I think I’ve
lost them.
ANIMAL
We're right on top of them!
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The van idles in traffic just before the entrance to a
highway onramp.
INT. VAN - DAY
Stewart pounds his hands on the steering wheel.
STEWART
84.
Wait. There they are.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The highway crosses under them. They see the limo moving
to the right.
The van's back tires spin smoke as the van goes offroad to
bypass cars to get to the onramp. The van accelerates,
down the very long ramp, that merges with the highway. The
limo ahead crawls in the slow lane of traffic.
KYLE
Don’t do it, man. Seriously.
STEWART
”If my calculations are correct,
when this baby hits 88 miles per
hour, you're gonna see some
serious shit.”
INT. VAN – DAY
Animal and Bjorn buckle themselves and brace for the
collision.
BJORN
Do it. Use the Force.
STEWART
Red Five, I’m going in.
ANIMAL
Hey man, does anybody know If I
paid my van insurance?
The members exchange a shocked look. Stewart presses on.
The van is now parallel and next to the limo, about to slam
them.
STEWART
I’m going in. T-minus three,
two, one--
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The right front limo tire BLOWS. The limo violently
swerves, gains control, then straightens out. The momentum
85.
of the van causes it to cruise by and miss the limo by
inches. The limo abruptly stops on the shoulder. The van
moves in front of the limo.
INT. VAN - DAY
STEWART
Shit, now what?
KYLE
Since we're their opening act
tonight, let’s go help.
STEWART
What are you smoking?
The van radio ejects the tape and the radio plays.
RADIO DJ
You heard it here first. The
Flaming Monkeys have flamed out,
and a new hot sensation from
Oklahoma is opening for Duran
Duran tonight. I guess the lead
singer is a real sensation ...
Kyle smiles at the compliment.
RADIO DJ
... Her name is Becka, and we
can’t wait to catch their act
before they go to Europe.
Kyle's smile turns south at hearing Becka’s name.
KYLE
Don't apologize, guys. The good
news is, we are opening for
Duran Duran. The bad news...
we're going to have to kill
Becky.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
The van takes the next exit, circles, and pulls up behind
the broken-down limo, the driver jacking up the vehicle.
An attractive woman, EMILY MERRYBOTTOM, circles the limo,
86.
scowling. The members of DURAN DURAN lean against the limo
in rock-star poses.
INT/EXT. VAN – LATER
Van doors open, and
FANG
jumps out of the van and moves to the brush on the side of
the road to take care of business.
The entire band gets out of the van to investigate the
situation.
STEWART
You go. You're the band leader.
I'm just a cold-blooded killer.
KYLE
Shut up. Just don't do anything
stupid.
Kyle works his way toward Duran Duran. Emily blocks him.
EMILY
Are you boys with Triple A?
KYLE
Triple A? No, we're not
alcoholics. We're Buoyant
String. The band.
SIMON LE BON
This is a bad time for
autographs.
KYLE
No, no autographs. We are --
SIMON LE BON
No autographs? What do you mean
no autographs? If we want to
give you an autograph, you take
it. Understand?
KYLE
No, no. We're opening for you
tomorrow night at the
Enormodome. We saw you were
87.
broken down, so we stopped to
give you a hand.
SIMON LE BON
Opening for us? You bloody
wankers. No autographs? With a
van like that and wonks like
you, there's no way you would
ever open for a band like us.
EMILY
I'm Emily Merrybottom, Duran
Duran's manager. I'm afraid
those blokes at MTV got some
facts wrong. The Flaming
Monkeys are opening tomorrow
night.
NICK RHODES
Bloody right. You boys haven't
got it.
ANDY TAYLOR
You look like bloody American
tarts. Get real. You don't
have it unless you're English.
JOHN TAYLOR
C'mon, Andy. Give the lads a
break. They look like they'd
make fine roadies.
Stewart rushes Duran Duran, but Animal holds him off.
Stewart holds up his fist.
STEWART
I'm gonna go Mr. T on all of you
sucka's.
Animal struggles more with Stewart.
STEWART
(under his breath)
I should have gone Wild Boy on
you when I had the chance.
KYLE
Sorry about that. He needs his
meds.
88.
SIMON LE BON
Just beat it. Go on. Get out
of here before I call the
police. And don't ask us for
any more autographs.
NICK RHODES
I'd kick your asses myself if I
didn't have to rock the dome
tomorrow night. These fingers
are like gold. You know. Oh,
maybe you wouldn't know.
Duran Duran slips back inside the limo and the LOCKS CLICK
tight. Five hands reach up through the moon roof to flip
off Kyle and crew.
Animal and Bjorn pull Stewart back inside the van.
KYLE
Sorry about that. We're a bit
fried. It's the end of our North
American tour.
EMILY
No, don't be sorry. Really.
I'm sorry, myself. They're a
little pissy from signing
autographs at the mall. Record
company obligation. And it's
been a long tour for us, too.
KYLE
Simon sure has a thing for
autographs, doesn't he?
EMILY
He's stressed. This gig is the
big one ... before we head back
to London. And with the limo
breaking down, and --
KYLE
Can we give you a lift?
EMILY
Probably not a good idea.
Another limo pulls up beside them.
89.
EMILY
Thanks for the offer, but our
transportation has arrived.
What did you say your name was?
KYLE
Tastee. Kyle Tastee. And our
band is Buoyant String.
Emily holds out her hand and Kyle, stunned, finally takes
it, pulls a cassette out of his jeans, and gives it to her.
EMILY
Thanks. If you ever make it to
London, look me up.
KYLE
I'll do that. That tape has our
info on it. Here's our phone
number if you need to reach me
on my bag phone.
Kyle pulls a Sharpie from his pocket and scribbles on her
hand. Emily gives Kyle an odd look.
EMILY
Thanks for the... number. Gotta
run. Good luck.
KYLE
You too.
Duran Duran rush to the new limo.
Emily walks to the limo and Kyle turns and walks back to
the van.
INT. VAN – LATER
STEWART
Get off of me you bozos. He's
back. Let me up.
BJORN
I know you wanted to kill them,
but that wasn't the place or
time.
90.
ANIMAL
What happened with the babe?
Kyle starts the van and pulls onto the highway.
KYLE
I gave her one of our tapes.
Maybe she'll listen to it.
STEWART
Who cares about that. Those
guys were jerks.
ANIMAL
Yeah. They weren't very lady
like.
BJORN
I'll bet they don't even have an
XG3000.
KYLE
They were jerks, weren't they?
I can't believe they treated us
like that.
STEWART
Let's take them out. Really
take them out. No bumping into
them with the van. Just a
simple poisoning. Or
electrocution.
BJORN
Or shark attack. Like in
Jaws. That looks painful.
STEWART
Why not? They deserve to die
young, don't they Fang? Fang?
Where's Fang?
ANIMAL
Oh no, you let him out when we
stopped.
STEWART
Shazbot. Turn around. We've
got to go back.
91.
The van weaves faster through the traffic.
KYLE
I'll circle around at the next
exit and we'll have him back in
no time.
STEWART
I told you we weren't opening
for those chumps.
KYLE
I wouldn't open for those
bastards if they paid me.
The van pulls near Duran Duran's limo.
STEWART
There's their limo!
ANIMAL
Whack 'em!
KYLE
Just relax. We'll deal with
them later. Let's go get Fang.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
Arms stretch out from the limo moon roof. Seconds later
FANG
flies through the moon roof and bounces on the highway and
rolls to the side of the road.
INT./EXT. VAN - DAY
BAND
Fang!
Kyle jams the brakes and pulls to the side of the road.
Stewart jumps out of the van, grabs Fang, and pulls him
back into the Falcon.
The van burns down the highway.
STEWART
92.
I'm going to kill those guys.
Stewart gives mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to Fang,
somewhat reviving him.
STEWART
Thank God. I don't feel any
broken bones. I think his
luscious coat saved him from
road rash.
KYLE
I can't believe they tried to
kill Fang.
ANIMAL
We've got to kill Duran Duran.
No question.
Fang stirs, coming back to life.
STEWART
Do you want to get those guys,
Fang? Do you want to kill Duran
Duran?
Fang shows his teeth and growls.
STEWART
Fang's in.
KYLE
We're all in. Let's get those
bloody wankers.
EXT. OLD NORTH CHURCH – MORNING
The band strolls the church grounds. Animal holds an over-
sized bag of Dunkin' Donuts. And a full-size bag of
Doritos. The band munches and drinks giant Slurpees.
BJORN
Nice steeple.
KYLE
We're all together in this,
right? We've got to do this.
93.
ANIMAL
(powdered sugar
fluffs as he speaks)
Do what?
STEWART
Kill Duran Duran, you dork. What
we need to do is call Grant. If
anyone can pickle their peckers,
he can.
ANIMAL
How are we gonna get to their
equipment? How do we get on the
stage.
KYLE
Simple. We roadie up.
INT. THRIFT STORE – MORNING
The band moves through the thrift store and approach a
woman at the counter. She points to a long row of angelic-
white T-shirts, with only a smudge of black ones grouped
in.
They move to the only four black shirts in the row. Kyle
pulls out a Metallica T-shirt. Stewart pulls out an ACDC T-
shirt. Bjorn pulls out an Iron Maiden shirt. Animal pulls
out the last black shirt in the store and gives the thumbs
up. The band laughs their approval. A
WHAM! T-shirt
shows a large picture of George Michael with “WHAM!”
written in hot-pink type.
INT. VAN – DAY
The band wears their concert t-shirts, torn jeans, and ball
caps. Animal wears the WHAM! shirt and a Revolutionary War
patriot hat.
Stewart drives, pulling into traffic playing air guitar.
BJORN
Are you sure this will work?
94.
STEWART
What can go wrong?
A police car pulls behind them.
INT. POLICE CAR - DAY
COP 1
The tail light's out. License
plate spells CHEWIE. Should we
pull them over?
COP 2
Nice call. Maybe we can score
some weed.
Lights spin and SIRENS WAIL.
INT. VAN – DAY
ANIMAL
Oh, shit.
STEWART
Our lady of blessed
acceleration, don't fail us now.
BJORN
Just drive faster.
The cops follow the van through turns and bridges, moving
through traffic. Several other cop cars join the chase.
BJORN
They're going to catch us.
KYLE
Shut it, Bjorn. This ain't
Denmark. Bo and Luke Duke,
check this.
Stewart swerves and inches through a tight spot, but the
cops follow.
BJORN
They're still on us.
ANIMAL
That's it. It's time to use my
PacMan skills again ... one last
95.
time.
Animal unsnaps his seatbelt and moves to the back of the
van. He throws open the back doors and waves at the cops.
He then pushes
THE PAC MAN MACHINE
out of the back, it explodes into millions of multi-colored
PacMan-shaped pieces, and the cops swerve away.
ANIMAL
Winner!
The van escapes into traffic and jams on the highway.
INT. TULSA - GRANT'S ROOM – DAY
Grant hunches over at his high-tech 80's computer
workstation.
GRANT
(to himself)
I feel a disturbance in the
Force.
INT. BOSTON - ENORMODOME - DAY
The band carries cables, lights, and miscellaneous
equipment back and forth.
A roadie tightens a bolt on some lights, readying for
lifting above the stage. He gives the thumbs up, then
moves away.
ANIMAL
moves to the lights and untightens the bolt and more. He
attaches a small device to the light supports and nods to
Bjorn.
Bjorn punches a few buttons on a large remote control then
nods.
A technician plugs numerous wires into various speakers,
amps, and outlets. He gives the thumbs up and leaves.
BJORN moves to the wires, pulls out a large, mysterious
black outlet and plugs the wires into it. He pushes another
button on his remote control, then stuffs it in his pocket.
96.
Kyle and Stewart hoist a huge treasure chest-shaped
shipping crate up above the stage with a medieval-looking
CRANK
and which CLICKS and CATCHES with each painful turn. They
wrap the cable around a stay, then give the thumbs up.
Discreetly they attach a black box to the cable, push a
BUTTON
and a red light starts blinking. Kyle pulls a
CHECKLIST
from his pocket and checks off three things from a list of
ten, shoves it back in his pocket, and moves on. He nods to
Bjorn, who messes with the remote control, then gives the
thumbs up.
A roadie tunes a guitar to perfection and places it back on
the guitar stand. He gives a thumbs up and moves on.
Animal walks by and twists the tuning knob a full
revolution.
INT. HOT CARL’S HOT TUNES – DAY
The band walks into a well-kept, stylish 1980’s bar. The
large, bright stage presents a perfect venue. Modern MUSIC
PLAYS over the house sound system. The band approaches one
of the ugliest men alive, HOT CARL, who cleans behind the
bar. No one else is around.
HOT CARL
You guys need a drink?
KYLE
No thanks, we’re looking for Hot
Carl. We’re tonight's band.
HOT CARL
I’m it, on a stick.
STEWART
Cool. This place looks great,
the nicest place we’ve seen on
our North American Tour. What
kind of music do you normally
feature?
97.
HOT CARL
New Wave. Original acts. Five
nights a week. Progressive. My
crowd appreciates style, flair,
modern and fresh sounds. You
guys look like rockers, though.
The band gyrates, excited about this development.
KYLE
No way. These are just our
roadie clothes. We are
everything 80’s new wave. This
place is tubular.
HOT CARL
Excellent. I’m glad you called
when you did. I had the Flaming
Monkeys lined up for four gigs,
and those dicks from Duran Duran
hired them out from under me.
Screwed up everything. Somebody
ought to teach those guys a
lesson.
INT. HOT CARL’S HOT TUNES - 2 HOURS LATER
The band finishes setting up. They stand on the expansive
stage, looking out across the large dance floor and balcony
seating area above.
ANIMAL
This, this will be a sweet gig.
I would like to watch the
carnage tonight at the
Enormodome, but this will be
sweet.
Kyle's Bag phone rings and Kyle answers it.
INT. HOT CARL'S/INT. HILTON HOTEL ROOM – SPLIT SCREEN - DAY
Kyle answers the phone at Hot Carl's, while Emily sits on
the bed in her hotel.
EMILY
Kyle, this is Emily.
98.
KYLE
Oh, hey. Hi.
EMILY
I need you ... your band I
mean. We listened to your tape,
and loved it. Brilliant. The
Flaming Monkeys went bananas on
us. Their drummer fell out of
tree or something. Anyway, we
just found out they are a no-
show. Can you open for Duran
Duran tonight?
KYLE
Hold on a sec.
Kyle covers up the handset.
KYLE
(to band)
Guys, this just in.
“Opportunity makes your future.”
Emily's on the phone. We are
opening for Duran Duran tonight.
INT. HOT CARL’S – LATER
The band moves their equipment out the front door. Hot
Carl walks around the corner, sees an empty stage, and sees
the last 2-wheeler roll out the door.
HOT CARL
Hey!
KYLE
Mr. Carl, I apologize.
Something came up. We can’t
perform for you tonight. But I
give you my word, as a member of
Buoyant String, we will make
this up to you somehow. I
promise.
HOT CARL
Why can’t you play?
KYLE
This is awkward. The Flaming
99.
Monkey’s just bailed on Duran
Duran, so now we're opening for
them.
HOT CARL
Shit. Double shit. When
opportunity knocks, I guess
you've got to open the door.
KYLE
Thanks Mr. Carl. I promise, we
will make this up to you.
Kyle walks toward the front door.
HOT CARL
Knock 'em dead kid. Play like
tonight's your last night.
Kyle looks back at Hot Carl, wondering.
STEWART
Kyle, we have one hour to spare,
and you have one last chance to
connect with Amanda before
everything changes. Go find her.
KYLE
I can’t.
STEWART
Just go. If she dumps you again,
trust me, it will be a very
short pain. We'll have an
Enormodome of Enormobabes
waiting for us. Target rich
environment.
EXT. AMANDA'S APARTMENT BUILDING – EVENING
Kyle reads names on a list, then rings the buzzer near the
front door of an old brick apartment building. A man on
the intercom responds.
VOICE ON INTERCOM
Hello?
KYLE
100.
Hi, I'm looking for Amanda.
VOICE
We didn't order any delivery.
KYLE
Can I come up? I need to talk
to her.
VOICE
Hold on.
Kyle nervously dances at the door for an oddly long minute.
AMANDA
Kyle. What the hell are you
doing here? You are stalking
me. I'm calling the police.
KYLE
Amanda, wait. I'm not stalking
you. I just need to know how
you really feel. This is it.
This is your last chance before
I make it big.
Kyle waits again.
AMANDA
I'll come down. To say goodbye,
Kyle.
Amanda opens the front door and steps outside wearing full
Princess Leia garb.
AMANDA
How did you get here Kyle?
He points to a waiting taxi.
KYLE
Warp speed.
AMANDA
Jim's waiting for me upstairs.
KYLE
Darth Vader can wait, Amanda.
This is important.
101.
AMANDA
I already left you one time,
Kyle. Just because you're in
Boston doesn't change anything.
KYLE
We're playing tonight with Duran
Duran, Amanda. It's true.
AMANDA
In Tulsa you didn't have a dream
in your head. But in Boston
you're living in Xanadu.
KYLE
Xanadu?
AMANDA
It doesn't matter, Kyle. I'm
going to the party with Jim
tonight.
KYLE
I hope you have a good time
tonight. But I had to ask. I
had to take a risk.
Kyle steps backward from Amanda.
KYLE
If you change your mind, I'll
have a backstage pass waiting
for you at the gate.
AMANDA
Go back to Tulsa, Kyle. You'll
never make it in the real world.
Go back to your yogurt. At
least at the end of the day
you'll have made something.
KYLE
I'm going places, Amanda. I'm
making things happen. And I can
take you with me, but you have
to trust me.
AMANDA
Goodbye, Kyle.
102.
KYLE
Goodbye, Amanda. And Amanda,
Star Wars office parties are so
1980.
Kyle retreats to the cab.
INT. CAB – EVENING
Kyle pulls up his left sleeve and rubs an
AMANDA TATTOO
The driver looks in the rear view mirror.
CAB DRIVER
Prison tattoo?
Kyle continues to rub the tattoo, and it slowly disappears
from his skin.
KYLE
No. Temporary.
INT. ENORMODOME - NIGHT
The band has completed setting up their gear. Emily and
the guys talk on the stage. Kyle says something funny --
the band laughs -- and Emily hangs on his arm, laughing,
and looking at him flirtatiously.
KYLE (VOICE OVER)
Do you see that band down there?
That’s my band, Buoyant String.
We’re pretty good, really. And
now the whole world is about to
know it. We are minutes away
from the break of a lifetime.
KYLE
Well this is it... a real
sweet gig. Thanks for giving us
this shot, Emily. We won’t let
you down.
BECKY
walks through the empty seats and makes a B-line straight
to the stage. She walks briskly, determined. She leaps on
the stage, startling them in her Belinda Carlisle apparel.
103.
BECKY
Who got you this gig, Kyle? Who
is this skank? You were going
to play this show without me,
weren't you?
The shocked band stares at Becky.
BECKY
I’ve got news for you. And
you...
(pointing toward Emily)
... I am in this band. I got us
this gig. I will be rocking the
house tonight.
A very long silent pause.
EMILY
Who is this, this... filthy
dollymop?
Kyle breaks another very long pause.
KYLE
We’ve never seen her before. I
think she’s a stalker. Take her
away.
Emily motions, and two hulking men in security T-shirts
appear from nowhere. They grab Becky by the arms and drag
her to the exit. Becky SCREAMS psychotically.
BECKY
You cannot keep a Stansbury
down. You could’ve had
everything. The band. The
yogurt fortune. Me! You will
rue the day. You will see.
The band waves goodbye, trying to contain their smirks.
Kyle turns to Emily.
EMILY
Yogurt fortune? This chick is a
whack job? Let’s go to the
green room. No brown M&M’s
right?
104.
Kyle takes Emily’s arm, and they walk off like Dorothy and
the Tin Man.
INT. ENORMODOME – BACKSTAGE – NIGHT
The band sits together waiting to go live. Kyle fidgets.
Animal munches some M&M's. Stewart cracks his fingers,
limbering up his guitar muscles. Bjorn HUMS an Abba song.
STEWART
Did you disable the remote
control?
KYLE
I called Grant, and he said he
put a anti-sabotage circuit
inside, so it can't be disabled.
ANIMAL
So it's live? Right now? You
could blow the place right now?
KYLE
Yeah. It's live. But I'll keep
it safe with me through the
night. No chances. It's onstage
right now, taped under my
keyboard.
INT. ENORMODOME – STAGE – NIGHT
The remote control remains duct-taped to the bottom of
Kyle's keyboard, invisible from all sides.
INT. ENORMODOME – BACKSTAGE – NIGHT
STEWART
Good. I'd hate to be playing
with those booby-traps going
off.
BJORN
Girls taking off their bras?
Excellent.
INT. ENORMODOME – SATURDAY NIGHT
The band jams.
KYLE (V.O.)
105.
We made it. We're on stage.
The crowd is into us. This is
the big time.
Kyle plays his keyboard, pulsing to the music. He looks
stage right and smiles. Emily smiles back while dancing.
Shadowy Duran Duran members bob their heads to the beat.
Stewart walks to the front of the stage, thrusting his
guitar. Throngs of women rush the stage to meet him,
including the girl from the Five and Dime Store. He looks
at them sensually, they SCREAM and reach to touch him.
Security people pull them away from the front of the stage.
Kyle scans the near audience. He sees Becky standing very
still holding the
REMOTE CONTROL WITH EXTENDED ANTENNA
Kyle turns to the band during Stewart's solo and mouths the
word “Becky Remote Control,” then points to the naked
UNDERSIDE OF HIS KEYBOARD
where he had attached the remote, then to the audience
where Becky watches.
Kyle turns stage right toward Emily. They make eye
contact, he looks panicked, and he jerks his head in the
direction of Becky who now moves toward the stage.
EMILY
cranes her neck around the stage wing, and sees Becky.
Emily immediately grabs a two-way radio and begins to SHOUT
into it. She then SHOUTS across the stage toward two
security men who strain to hear her, but cannot understand
what she says over the loud music.
BECKY
flips various switches to on. She looks up and sees black
boxes that begin to flash with blinking lights.
KYLE
follows her gaze. He looks up and sees the red blinking
lights, and looks even more panicked. They continue to
play.
106.
Emily throws down the two-way radio, frustrated, and runs
to the edge of the stage, leaps, and stage dives onto
Becky. The crowd SCREAMS as the women cat fight.
THE REMOTE CONTROL
bobbles from Emily to Becky, and with each exchange. The
band cringes. Security guards rush to assist Emily. The
remote falls to the floor.
Becky sinks to the ground, desperately reaches for the
remote and triggers the
RED FLASHING BUTTON
and
AN EXPLOSION
rocks the sound equipment near the band and blows a speaker
into the air, straight up. The speaker lands in the exact
spot it took off from, extinguishing a burning fuse from
completing its sequence of blasts.
The Crowd ROARS. No one is hurt, so the band keeps
playing. Kyle sings, moves closer to the microphone.
Becky flips the remote into the air and Emily catches it,
pressing another button.
ELECTRICITY
surges through Kyle's Microphone stand and instantly his
long hair stands straight up on end in Yahoo Serious
hairstyling. The microphone stand falls, then incinerates.
A roadie instantly rushes a new microphone to Kyle. The
crowd CHANTS louder.
Becky grabs the Remote, trigger's another button and
THE TREASURE CHEST
above, CREAKS and SNAPS, then falls from the wires. It
gets caught midway down the fall and the jolt forces it to
open, showering the audience with Duran Duran T-shirts,
sweatshirts, bandannas, headbands and other tour gear. A
LEATHER JACKET
falls directly onto Kyle's keyboard.
107.
Kyle puts it on, shows it off, strutting. He picks up
miscellaneous Duran Duran gear and tosses the items into
the audience. The crowd goes wild, loving the show and
grabbing up the concert material.
A security guard pulls Becky up from the floor and moves
her through the crowd.
Emily pushes the remote control to Kyle across the stage
floor, and the band SIGHS in relief.
ANIMAL
looks to stage right, and sees Emily re-applying her
lipstick, and straightening her clothes after the brawl.
He stares at her, entranced, as if it’s the first time he’s
ever seen a beautiful woman.
Kyle looks to stage left and sees
AMANDA
wearing her Princes Leia outfit. She gestures “I love you”
by pointing to her eye, making a heart outline with her
fingers over her chest, and then pointing to Kyle. He
smiles.
KYLE
Thank you, Boston! We're
Buoyant String. Good night!
Emily motions for them to play an encore. The crowd begins
to chant “String.”
EMILY
(screaming to the
band)
One more. Duran Duran wants you
to play one more!
Kyle gives her the thumbs up and huddles the band together.
KYLE
I knew we could do this. All we
needed was a little luck, some
inspiration, and a message from
God. Two out of three ain't
bad. Now I need you guys to do
this for me.
108.
They move back to their instruments, and Stewart hits a
CHORD.
KYLE
(into microphone)
Thank you Boston. A little
tribute to your hometown.
Animal counts down with SLAPPING DRUM STICKS.
Buoyant String plays a new wave rendition of Boston's
“Amanda.” A tear forms in Amanda's eye, then a reciprocal
tear pools in Kyle's eye.
INT. ENORMODOME – BACKSTAGE - LATER
Buoyant String mingles with Duran Duran as Duran Duran
preps to go on.
NICK RHODES
You really warmed stroked them
for us.
SIMON LE BON
Yeah, those were some smashing
stage effects you rigged up.
KYLE
Thanks guys. We wouldn't be
here today without you.
Buoyant String look at one another.
SIMON LE BON
Sorry about that pit stop,
yesterday. I guess you guys
were right. You really were
opening for us tonight.
STEWART
We wanted to give you a show
you'd never forget.
NICK RHODES
You did that all right.
SIMON
And we we're talking before you
boys finished up. We want you
109.
to open for us starting next
week on our European tour.
Buoyant String SQUEAL like schoolgirls.
KYLE
Sounds great. But you'll have
to talk to our manager ...
Kyle points to Emily as she and Amanda walk toward the
bands. Fang rests in Amanda's arms, but perks up, then
jumps out of Amanda's arms and runs toward Stewart. He
jumps past Stewart and lands in Simon's arms. Amanda moves
next to Kyle.
SIMON
Rio! There you are, boy. Good
dog. You followed us all the
way.
Duran Duran make cute baby noises toward Fang.
SIMON
He was in our limo yesterday,
but the bugger jumped out the
sun roof. I couldn't catch him.
We thought we'd never see him
again. We were devastated.
KYLE
(to Buoyant String)
You wankers. I told you.
Enormodome Security Guards escort a frazzled Becky
backstage, her outfit a complete un-Stansbury mess.
BECKY
C'mon guys. Tell them. Tell
them I'm with you. I got you
this gig. Tell them everything,
Kyle. Or I Will!
Emily HISSES.
KYLE
She's been stalking us all the
way from Oklahoma. Get rid of
her.
110.
BECKY
Tell them Kyle. Tell them how
you planned to kill Duran Duran.
Tell them about your little
plot.
Duran Duran LAUGHS at her remarks.
SIMON
Take her away. They need rest,
and we've got a show to do.
Let's start off with “Rio” in
honor of our new mascot.
Duran Duran walk on stage with Fang and the crowd ERUPTS.
BJORN
I can't believe we're going to
Europe.
ANIMAL
Do they have Whataburger in
Europe?
STEWART
Don't worry, Animal. From now
on, the only fish sandwiches
you'll be eating are out of the
Paris Hilton.
KYLE
(under his breath)
I love America.
Amanda moves closer to kyle.
AMANDA
I love you, too.
INT. HOT CARL’S HOT TUNES – DAY
SUPER: “SIX MONTHS LATER”
Emily hides behind a wedding veil in an exquisite, 80's
wedding gown. The preacher stands nearby, and the
GROOM'S ARM
fidgets.
111.
AMANDA
I do.
MINISTER
Do you, Horton Mortimer
Spavinaw... “Animal,” take
Catherine Emilandria... “Emily”
Merrybottom to be your lawfully-
wedded wife?
ANIMAL
You bet I do.
MINISTER
Do you have the ring?
FANG
trots down the center of the aisle with a satin pillow
strapped to his back and a ring box secured to it.
Animal grabs the ring and slides it on Emily's finger.
PREACHER
You may now kiss the bride.
Animal and Emily kiss, and the crowd applaud. Kyle grabs
the microphone from the podium.
KYLE
Let’s Dance!
At the other end of the bar, Duran Duran ROCKS and the
wedding goers gyrate.
Fang jumps into Simon Le Bon's arms and receives a loving
hug.
Hot Carl cuts the cake and serves bubbly. He gives Kyle a
big ugly smile, and, two thumbs up.
Stewart dances with all three Bridesmaids.
Grant plays PacMan in the corner.
INT. APARTMENT – DAY
The Flaming Monkeys lounge in a dingy apartment, watching
MTV. Animal's wedding broadcasts live.
112.
MONKEY #1
Man, those guys have it all.
European tour. Record contract.
Videos. Babes.
MONKEY #2
We just need a break, that's
all. Just one break.
MONKEY #1
We're better than those guys.
If we had the opportunity, we
could rock the world.
MONKEY #3
All we need is some publicity.
MONKEY #4
Yeah, but how do we get that
kind of publicity?
The Phone RINGS.
MONKEY #1
Hello.
VOICE
Hello, boys. This is Rebecca
Stansbury, and I have an offer
you can't refuse.
FADE OUT.