January, 30, 2012
Callista and I greatly appreciate Gloria's gracious, and frankly exciting, proposal. We accept her
proposal with enthusiasm. Of course, we honor Herman Cain, gratefully thank him for his support, and
gladly accept his supporters onto our team.
However, in anticipation of the detestable naysayers in the media, I can only say this: beginning today,
during this new set of adult relationships, Callista and I will continue to observe our marriage as a fully
committed one, as shall Herman and Gloria view their own sacred vows. All four of us respect fully the
sanctity of a traditional marriage between a committed heterosexual man and woman. Our new marital
arrangement, therefore, is merely an adjustment to these ancient and sacred traditions in order to meet
the needs of a presidential race where our single purpose is to defeat the most dangerous President in
our national history, a man responsible for providing more free school breakfasts and lunches than any
President before, Barack Hussein Obama.
And, furthermore, envisioning the likely onslaught of lies from the Mitt Romney campaign, let us
remember Mr. Romney is a Mormon, a religion that as recently as 1889 accepted and promoted what
they like to euphemistically call "plural marriage," but what civilized societies label as "plygs," a one
man, many women arrangement repugnant to an orderly civilization. Let me be clear, my simultaneous
relationship with Gloria and Callista is not by any rational examination a "polygamous" marriage, it is
best described as a "dual track" marriage.
Finally, to Senator Santorum's campaign, I sincerely hope that my campaign's decision to pursue a
modified dual track marital relationship, will not offend his Roman Catholic sensibilities. We must
recall that the great religion to which I am a convert has long treated modifications of marital
relationships as mere venial sins for which I can, today, personally report erasable through the
intercession of three Our Fathers, 10 Hail Marys, and a sincere Act of Contrition. Also, it is well known
that the Roman Catholic hierarchy, at an administrative level, needs to, in the colloquial phrase, "get its
own house in order" before addressing the house of anyone else, particularly the house of a noted
historian.
As for the Ron Paul campaign and their constant and malevolent and inaccurate and detestable
criticism that surely will arrive soon, like a dog leaps upon carrion, I have only this to say. And I will
have no other comment on this topic.
In conclusion, instead of succumbing to old-fashioned conceptions, my campaign stands securely at a
crossroads to the future. One path leads to a future where certain adults may decide to engage in dual
track marriages, where moon colonies house prisoners, where children work in labor intensive
occupations formerly pursued by their parents, and where the elderly and infirm are permitted to work
until they choose to expire. That is the Newt Gingrich path. The other path goes straight to Islamic
Socialistic Kenyan Hell.
So with an eye toward an America led by a man born within its magnificent borders, join me in
welcoming Gloria Cain into our Winning the Future family!
Sincerely,