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Need help in dealing with Aspergers?? Click here.
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Asperger's Syndrome is a form of autism in which the person has average to above average
intelligence, but very poor social skills. One of the common strengths of people with Asperger's is
an interest in science and math, making them employable and dependable, two qualities that
many adults look for in a partner or spouse. However, a lack of empathy or, if empathy is present,
its expression, plus a mechanical approach to sex, can discourage both partners from having their
intimate needs met.
Asperger's seems to be current vogue disorder. HBO recently had a documentary on Temple
Grandin, the fascinating woman agriculturalist who has written books about her own experience of
Asperger's. Last year, three movies were released that featured characters with Asperger's.Â
Asperger's, it seems, is everywhere.
But is it? Asperger's has a short history, because it was only first diagnosed in 1994 by Viennese
pediatrician Hans Asperger, the number of people in the U.S. who have Asperger's is actually
unknown. Many adults may have Asperger's without knowledge of the disorder. Â
How does someone know that they or someone they know has Asperger's, anyway? People
with Asperger's usually have poor social skills, obsessions, odd speech patterns, unusual posture,
and other peculiar mannerisms. In an adult, the person may have difficulty understanding social
behavior that others take for granted, for example, laughing loudly or at inappropriate times. They
may have strange collections, such as one physician with whom I'm familiar who collected all
things having to do with bees; even his office was decorated in black and yellow.
When people with Asperger's speak, they may not make sense, not because they speak gibberish
but because they don't know how to segue into normal conversation. Generally, they learn how
to get along socially by observing and copying others. Since they don't do well with change in
any case, this only contributes to behavior that may appear strange or robotic. A common myth
about Asperger's is that everyone who has it is a "genius." Not true. There are people with
average intelligence that also have Asperger's.
Because people with Asperger's don't fit in socially, they often apply themselves in school or in
their careers. This makes them stable and dependable, which can be attractive to a partner that
is looking to settle down. Many people who partner with someone with Asperger's will marry in
the belief that feelings and intimacy will grow over time. While this can happen, more often than
not the non-Asperger's partner becomes disappointed and frustrated.
Sometimes this disappointment and frustration becomes focused in the couple's bedroom. While
adults with Asperger's vary, many non-Asperger's partners find the lover with Asperger's
mechanical and emotionally disconnected during sex. Even if they have sexual experience, they
may not understand what is expected of them, e.g., mutual pleasuring, vocalization, or emotional
expression.
Besides misunderstanding social cues and lacking in empathy, the partner with Asperger's may
also be overwhelmed by the sensory experiences of sex. One man, for example, disliked the
smell and feel of his partner's hair. Another couldn't stand the little bumps and irregularities of
his partner's skin and asked her to wear a body stocking when they had sex. Â A woman with
Asperger's complained that she felt "completely smothered" by her husband during lovemaking
and decided it was better to divorce than to put up with having to have sex.
Is there any hope for couples in which one partner has Asperger's? Yes, of course. If both
partners are motivated to change, then they can have a more satisfying sex life, one that makes
each partner feel wanted and accepted. But a satisfying sex life generally starts outside the
bedroom. Partners first need to educate themselves about Asperger's so that they can
understand how it is affecting their intimate relationship. They need to be able to communicate
to each other; both need to develop some empathy for the other's position.
Sensate focus activities may also be helpful in slowing down both partners so that they can
concentrate on what feels good, instead of on performance. Learning to give verbal feedback
about sex without creating defensiveness is another valuable skill. Being realistic about what
may or may not change in the bedroom is another facet of acceptance of the diagnosis of
Asperger's.
A word about diagnosis and treatment:Â Different people react to a diagnosis of Asperger's in
different ways. Some people are relieved to discover an identity that answers questions for
them. Others are curious. Still others are upset or go into denial. No individual should ever
be forced into being diagnosed or treated. However, therapy can be helpful for people with
Asperger's and spouses or other family members who are trying to understand and give them
support.
Want to learn more about marriage and sexuality? Dr. Stephanie Buehler is an internationally
recognized psychologist and sex therapist, author, and speaker. She is also the Director of The
Buehler Institute in Orange County, CA. If you visit Sex Therapy Orange County today, you can
sign up and instantly download her e-book, Sexual Discoveries: 25 Secrets for Incredible Sex.
Article Source:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Stephanie_Buehler
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Need help in dealing with Aspergers?? Click here.
http://tinyurl.com/UnderstandingAspergers
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