tbw16-1213 by yaosaigeng

VIEWS: 2 PAGES: 60

									                   The Beat Within
The Beat Within • A Weekly Publication of Writing and Art from the Inside • Volume 16.12/13




               When you first saw a picture of me, what did you see?
               Did you see a lost confused mislead African-American girl?
               Or a girl that looked like she had big dreams?
               The picture you saw came with strong emotion.
               It was a called a “picture of promise”
                                                        read the rest of Shequis' POW on page 4




                                                               "We love you Beat"
                                                                        volume 16.12/13                     editor's note
W
                                                                               sibling. They also wait for me to come home from the hall to hear about
                                                                               the topics, conversations and the most of all to read the most recent Beat.
       elcome back editorial note readers! We’re glad you stopped by before    The Beat Within is now apart of my family, I share the latest publications
taking on this knockout of a double issue – issue 16.12/13. This week’s        with all who enter my home by having them on my coffee table and all are
writing is awesome, and we are sure you’ll soon agree. Thank you writers!      amazed by such writings that are full of heartfelt emotion, self expression
     This week our guest editorial note writer is our wonderful Santa Clara    and artistic ability. For those that I personally work with each week, your
County facilitator, Cynthia Hanlon. Cynthia has been a part of The Beat        respect, thoughts and writings have touched my heart deeply and for those
Within for well over a year now. Her amazing dedication speaks volumes,        where I am just able to read your thoughts, your work have also touched
and we think the following piece she wrote for us all, tells her truths,       my soul. In addition, to my dedication to the program my daughter will
regarding her love for the work –The Beat Within.                              also be joining my journey to San Jose each week and will help out then
                                                                               hopefully facilitate her own unit.
It’s a foggy and gray Saturday morning here in the San Francisco Bay                 I would like to close this note by saying that each of you have the
Area, up early due to my 5 year old telling me that he needs to have a         ability to light up a dark room, keep up the positive thoughts and I look
Kit Kat candy bar this morning, do I give in to him and maybe I can start      forward until the next time I can work with the youths in my units and hear
rambling some thoughts into what I hope can be an editorial note for this      from all of you in The Beat. Keep writing and illustrating while your work
week’s publication? Or do I say, “Not now” and give him the traditional        is very much admired by many.
breakfast of hot oatmeal or cold cereal? I give in and he gets his candy, he
is happy for a brief moment so I think it is quiet for awhile since my older   Thank you Cynthia, for touching us with your thoughts on The Beat Within
two kids are sleeping and will not be up until about noon time. I think I am   and what the work means to you. We’re moved.
ready to start this note, so hang on and enjoy the ride.                             The two weeks of topics that are addressed in this issue are (16.12),
      It’s been over a year since I entered San Jose’s Juvenile Hall for my    “Saying good-bye is the hardest thing” – Saying good-bye can be one of the
first Beat Within Workshop. I did not know what to expect, but I was eager     hardest things we ever have to do. Saying good-bye to someone permanently
to get back in my comfort zone of working with youths. I remember my first     because they have passed or because they (or you) are going somewhere
visit in the boy’s max unit; I felt that the youths did not feel comfortable   and never coming back can be heart breaking, But even temporary good-
with me, I introduced myself to them, but most of them seemed that they        byes can bring tears to our eyes. Can you tell The Beat about a particularly
were not interested in what I had to say. I had to stay patient with many of   painful good-bye you had to express to someone? What did this person
the youths and I wanted them to trust me immediate but, the Golden Gate        mean to you before you had to say good-bye? Why did you have to say good-
Bridge was not built in a day so I stayed patient, consistent and showed up    bye? What’s the saddest time you remember someone saying good-bye to
each week with a positive attitude. I knew in time the youths were going to    you?
be comfortable with me and I with them.                                              The second topic, “The thing I hate to hear the most” – There are things
      Many showed physical scars and tattoos of their life on the outs but     we often hear that we wish we didn’t ever have to hear again. It could be the
to me that did not matter. I was there to give them unconditional support      alarm clock waking you too early in the morning. It could be a parent or
while they were in the hall and to listen what they all had to say .Through    counselor or teacher or Beat facilitator warning you that unless you change
their writings they shared their concerns, regrets, fears, love, family and    this or that, bad things will happen. It could be your own voice in your head
goals for the future. At that time I realized that these youths that sat in    telling you things you would rather not hear. Whatever it is, can you tell The
front of me literally have been to hell and back emotionally and physically.   Beat what you hate to hear the most, and why you hate hearing it?
Where most of them had given up on themselves mentally and some lacked               The third topic, “A practical joke that didn’t work” – Practical jokes
self esteem but each of them showed such determination, strength and           are those tricks we pull on people that make other people laugh at their
courage to better them selves for a positive future. When I started to read    expense. For example, some people think it’s funny to pull the chair out for
the youths writings I was amazed on how well these youths expressed            someone, then jerk it away at the last minute. Some people bake cookies
themselves through written expression; either in a form of a poem, writing     laced with hot pepper (or worse), and think it’s funny when someone bites
or illustration. Their work literally left me speechless.                      into them. Have you ever pulled a practical joke like this that went wrong?
      Being a Mom it was very difficult for me to see these youths away        Did a joke you or your friends were responsible for end badly, and not the
from their families, holidays, birthdays and time just being a kid. The life   way you wanted it to go? Tell us what the joke was, and why it didn’t work.
that they were now living in juvenile hall has interrupted their childhood           16.13 topics, “The Ghetto” - Define the word "ghetto." When people say
memories. I put myself in the place of the youth’s own mother and being        "that's ghetto," what do they mean? What is the "ghetto mentality"? What
separated from their child(ren) was very hard for me to digest and I felt      makes you ghetto? Is there a difference between the ghetto, the hood, or the
that as a mom it was very natural for me to give all the youths I personally   barrio? What are some positive or negative aspects about the ghetto? Do
worked with the support in a motherly nurturing way. I often told myself       you see the ghetto as something that influences you to live a certain
not to get attached emotionally to these youths but I am a Mom and I care      lifestyle or do you see the ghetto as a place where you feel most at home
about each and every one of them like if they were my own child and I          or both? What is the opposite of a ghetto? Are you ashamed of living in a
often tell them that, many laugh but they know from my dedication and          ghetto or proud of it, and why? Now tell us what defines ghetto from what
consistently that I mean it. I also remind the youths that our relationship    you've seen or been a part of.
doesn’t have to end once they leave the hall, I encourage all of them to             Second topic, “The Ride” - Cars play an important part in our
keep in touch with the Beat or I personally since the endless support can      lives. This week, The Beat wants to hear one of your many car stories. Give
continue.                                                                      us the low down of spending time in yours or someone else's car. Think
      For those who know me, once I commit to something, that person or        about the number of things you have done in cars. From driving with
something will get the best of me. I am the type of person that keeps their    mom and dad across the country, to partying with the homies, cruising the
word and will always be there for those who need me. To me, it does not        strip, riding solo with the radio blaring your favorite song, making out with
matter where these youths come from; West, East, South or North what           your lady or man on a hot summer night, or taking that major road trip by
colors they wear and what situation landed them in the hall. I don’t judge     yourself or with a close friend.
people based on their background or beliefs, I respect them all equally. I           Also if you dare tell us the ugliness you've witnessed or been a part
had mentioned to them each week that I am a volunteer that travels 80          of revolving around cars, such as drive-bys, high speed chases, major car
miles round trip during the peak of traffic, sometimes in the worse weather    accidents, breaking into cars, or driving under the influence. (Don't just
conditions, I leave my 3 kids at home to work with them in the hall and all    glorify the ugly incidents though, we won't be able to print it. Tell us why
I asked of them is to show respect to the program and the other writers.       that incident was important, what you learned, how it affected how you think
       But, everything has consequences when I was focusing on my role         about cars, drive-bys, etc.). What is it about cars that turns you on? Do you
as a mentor and volunteer to these kids in juvenile hall my children were      like 'em long and sleek, fast and compact, low and slow, or don't care as
left home without me every Thursday night. I am a Mom who is always            long as it runs? What type of cars have you owned? What is your car of
there every night to help them with their homework, drive them to their        choice? Whatever the case, we're interested in you breaking it down, give
activities and the most important of all eat dinner together where my kids     us the DETAILS of your car tales. We all have a car story to share.
and I exchange thoughts about what happen during our day. I had to think             Lastly, “What CAN’T you imagine yourself being or doing?” - Most
about what I was getting myself into by volunteering with these youths in      of us think about the future whether we want to or not. But we all think
the hall vs. being home with my 3 kids, especially at the time my youngest     about it in different ways. Perhaps you see a future of being in and out
was 4. I felt stuck between two large boulder rocks, one being Juvenile hall   of the system. Perhaps not. Maybe your future is one of getting a steady
and the other my 3 kids. I had to really think about what I wanted to do,      job and raising a family. Maybe not. But what about the UNIMAGINABLE
I did not have too many people to talk to about what choice or solution        future? What can’t you imagine about your own future? Can you NOT
could work. My only support team that I have ever had was my beloved           imagine life outside your hood or click? Can you NOT see yourself graduating
parents who both passed away several years before I started volunteering.      from high school, college? Can you NOT seeing yourself living to old age,
Now I was starting to feel isolated and alone like the kids in the hall. How   holding your grandchildren? Why? Think beyond what you’re “supposed to
could I give these youths the support that I was lacking? I wanted to be in    say.” Be honest and don’t edit yourself.
two places at the same time but reality would not allow me to do so.                 All right editorial note readers, thanks for your time! This issue goes
      Presently, I have been attending workshops every Thursday in San         out to all our wonderful volunteers, like Cynthia, who are a big reason why
Jose’s Juvenile Hall; my children have continued to support me in my           we can continue to do this important work. Thanks!
passion of working with youths and to help with the care of their younger
 a l o o tn s
tb e fc n e t
table of contents
The Beat Within, a weekly newsletter of writing and art by incarcerated youth, is published by Pacific
News Service.
                                                                                                           volume 16.12/13

                                                                                                                                   Piece of the Week ............ 4
At The Beat Within, we go through a lot of trouble to censor inappropriate sexual remarks, foul language, and gang refer-
ences. There is enough tension in our commuities already–we don’t aim to bolster it. It is in The Beat’s interest to promote
peace and unity. Our goal is to educate one another.
                                                                                                                                   Co-Piece of the Week ...... 11
The Beat Within publishes the opinions and views expressed by the participants in our workshops. This is simply the
pure voice of the youth. The views you read do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher, editor or staff. All rights are
                                                                                                                                   Alameda ..................................................... 17
reserved. Nothing from this publication can be reproduced without our written permission.
                                                                                                                                   San Francisco ............................................ 25
To our writers: What you write could be hazardous to you. Your words have consequences, and could be used to incrimi-
nate you. Try to illuminate your feelings and viewpoints without running the risk of providing ammunition for those who            Santa Clara ............................................... 33
might use your words against you.
                                                                                                                                   New Mexico .............................................. 35
Co–founders: Sandy Close and David Inocencio
                                                                                                                                   Marin       ........................................................ 36
Senior Editors: David Inocencio                                                                                                    Santa Cruz          ............................................... 38
Graphics/Layout Editor: Manen Pau                                                                                                  Los Angeles .............................................. 40
Staff: Pauline Craig, Jill Wolfson, Suzanne Mennah, Sheerly Auni, Annie Wong, Carolyn Goosen, Breana Marino, Lisa                  Fresno ......................................................... 43
Lavaysse, Maisha Johnson, Ellie Guterrez, Sarah Ikemoto, Sherman Scholten, Angelica Zabanal, Ryan Teixeira, Mario
Navarro, Allan Martinez, Nora Dwyer, Michael Kroll, Kolby Hanson, Cynthia Hanlon, Erik Loewen, Inga Buchbinder,
Julia Penrose, Kathy Ellison, Elena Berman, Patricia Johnson, Dennis Morton, Kim Nelson, Tara Foley, Adela Genochio,
Maddie Rutherford, Johnny Le, Gwendolyn Hubner, Allie Horevitz, Stephanie Morrison and Peggy Simmons.                              The Beat Without .............. 54
Los Angeles: Karen Hunt, Jost Parr, Efty Sharony, LA COE

San Diego: Desiree Woods, SD COE

San Bernardino: Jen Tilton, University of Redlands
                                                                                                                                 Counselor's Corner
                                                                                                                                 Frome The Beat: Ms. Webbfrom the Alameda County
                                                                                                                                 Juvenile Justice Center shares her wisdom with
Riverside: Jennifer Boyea                                                                                                        The Beat – this time by talking about some of
                                                                                                                                 the obstacles she faced in the past, and how she
New Beginnings - Washington, DC Staff: Alex Moe, Messiah Ramkissoon, Andrew Gauldin, Emily Tucker, and Khalil                    overcame them. Thanks as always Ms. Webb, for
Abdullah                                                                                                                         sharing your inspiration with The Beat!

Yolo County: Lynn Gerner and David Gerner
                                                                                                                                 I Can’t Imagine
Bernalillio County Juvenile Detention & Youth Services Center New Mexico Beat Staff: Steve Serna
                                                                                                                                 Myself EVER Giving Up
Dona Ana County, New Mexico: Voices Behind Walls - Lee Rhyanes                                                                   No matter how hard life has been for me, I never
                                                                                                                                 gave up. When I didn’t have a job, and was on
Fresno: Mai Der Vang, Aaron Benson and Lily Romero                                                                               public assistance, I never gave up looking for
                                                                                                                                 work. When I as down to my last dollar, I never
Monterey : Sam Peterson, Brandon Swanson and Sarah DAmico
                                                                                                                                 gave up. When I was told no to certain things, I
Hawaii: Dina Brooks                                                                                                              never gave up. When I have problems at work, I
                                                                                                                                 never gave up. When I have problems at home,
Portland, Oregon: Deb Arthur, Portland State University                                                                          I never give up. Like I said in the beginning, no
                                                                                                                                 matter how hard life has been for me or how hard
Art: Much props to everyone for the great art this week.                                                                         life will get for me, I will never give up. I will push
                                                                                                                                 harder to get the things that I want. I feel like
Spiritual Advisor: Jack Jacqua
                                                                                                                                 giving up is when you turn to other means for
Special Volunteer: Nancy DeMartini                                                                                               money outside of a job and earning a paycheck.
                                                                                                                                 OR not doing well in school, and dropping out.
Book Donor: Marisela Norte and Alexander Book Co. in SF, Ca                                                                      Or not getting along at home and running away.
                                                                                                                                 I think giving up is a cop out, and it is running
Beat Supporters: The Beat Within greatefully acknowledges the generous support of funders of Pacific News Service’s              away from your problems. And running away from
Youth Communications Programs – California Arts Council, California Wellness Foundation, Christensen Fund, Com-                  your problems will never solve anything.
munity Foundation of Silicon Valley, Community Technology Foundation of California, Compton Foundation, Creative
Work Fund, Cricket Island Foundation, Evelyn and Walter Haas, Jr. Fund, Ford Foundation, James Irvine Foundation,                                                          -Mrs. Webb
Marguerite Casey Foundation, Marin Community Foundation, Southern Exposure, Atherton Family Foundation, Morris
Stulsaft Foundation, Nathan Cummings Foundation, Oakland Fund for Children and Youth, Open Society Institute, Pen-
insula Community Foundation, Philanthropic Ventures Foundation, S. H. Cowell Foundation, Monterey, Fresno, Solano,               I Hate To Hear Lies
New Beginnings - Washington DC, DC Children Youth Investment Trust Corporation, DC Humanities Council, Morris                    I hate to hear lies, and I’m not talking about little
and Gwendolyn Cafritz Foundation, San Francisco Arts Commission, San Francisco Foundation, Shinnyo-en Founda-                    white lies (For example: Santa Claus is real, that
tion, W. Clement and Jessie V. Stone Foundation, Stone Circles Foundation, Stuart Foundation, Surdna Foundation, The             is a white lie), I’m talking about real huge lies. I
California Endowment, Tides Foundation, Van Loben Sels/Rembe Rock Foundation, Vanguard Public Foundation, Wal-                   can’t stand to be lied to or to be lied about. I feel
lace Alexander Gerbode Foundation, Walter S. Johnson Foundation, Youth Justice Funding Collaborative, the Zellerbach
Family Fund and individual donors.                                                                                               that the truth is the only way out. You may not
                                                                                                                                 feel it is when it happens, but I do believe highly
Writers: Thanks to all the participants in our workshops in the San Francisco, Maricopa County Arizona, Santa Clara,             in Karma. Meaning what goes around comes
New Beginnings, Alameda, Bernalillio County New Mexico, Solano County, Monterey County, Dade County, Floriday,                   around. I always teach my kids that honesty is
Fresno County, Washington DC, Santa Cruz and Marin County Juvenile Halls. If you have any questions or comments                  the policy. At the time a lie may seem like the
about The Beat Within, or if you would like to become a subscriber, contact us at: 275 Ninth St. SF.CA. 94103 or call            best way out, but what is done in the dark will
(415) 503-4170 or check us out at:                                                                                               eventually be brought to the light.
www.thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                                                                          –Ms. Webb
 ie e f h e k
P c so t ew e                                               pieces of the week
  Picture of Promise                                                       Don’t Let Nobody
      When you first saw a picture of me, what did you see?
      Did you see a lost confused mislead African-American girl?           Pick Your Life For You
      Or a girl that looked like she had big dreams?                       When my uncle got killed it put a real crazy face on me. I didn’t
      The picture you saw came with strong emotion.                        think he would die out of nowhere or know that in a few days we
      It was a called a “picture of promise”                               would have to bury him.
                                                                                 The cold part about the situation is he was always lookin'
      The image you saw held a promise and colorless pride.                out for me. Now that I think about it, he was a pimp and he sold
      It also held the confusion of pain                                   drugs, but when he had to watch me he put everything on hold.
      But you could see it in my eyes                                      It was me, him and like three women. They all loved me and
      A picture of promise                                                 called me little daddy, and that’s when I knew my uncle was the
                                                                           man. I was young and I didn’t really understand his life.
      I held pride- but sometimes neglect.                                       I hate when people say no, and I hate to hear bad news.
      Non-existing spit, and broken glass everywhere.                      When you don’t know, it’s sometimes better, but eventually you
      And then I’d see that my hands, which held this picture,             want to know what’s happening. Life has been going up and
      had started to bleed.                                                down for me, and I really don’t like the situation I’m in ‘cause
      It was my heart that overdosed on love long ago,                     I can’t be home when I wanna be, and I can’t eat when I wanna
      This picture is immortal, not subject to death                       eat, and I can’t shower when I wanna shower. But I feel like if I
      But my memory runs way back and im inclined to remind                wasn’t here, I would be doin ‘ the same thing that I’d been doin’.
      People of the things they’d most like to forget                      I think bein’ here saved me from death because it was multiple
      But this picture I held was a picture of promise.                    times I almost lost my life on the streets. In my hood I watch
                                                                           every car that comes through because people from other hoods
      It was a cry for help, a new change                                  try to come hit us up, and I’d rather be safe than sorry. The
      A thinkable thought.                                                 streets is where the little money’s at and guns and drugs and
      I’m sorry but I have to lock you away                                gangs, and it’s life.
      I held you in my heart too long hoping you would have                       If you not in a gang or robbin’ you ain’t with the street. I’m
      changed by now.                                                      here to tell you that’s BS. Do what you wanna do, not what yo’
      But some things never change.                                        boys want you to do. Sometimes you don’ t see how good you
      As I lay on your casket, I cry                                       got it until it’s gone, and if you don’t got it good, then make it
      Because this is a picture of promise,                                good for yourself the right way! You can go up or down, or down
      I’ll make the change!                                                and up, you pick… but most of us regret it when it’s too late to
                                                                           take action. Man, life is crazy but life is full of choices – you
      But you’ll never change.                                             have a bad choice to make or a good choice, it’s all on you. But
                                             -Shequis, Los Angeles         I feel like cats are too scared to do them, so they follow their
  From The Beat: We love your poems! You have style, originality, and      boys or their OG's 'cause they got money and cars, girls and
  most importantly, the ability to be honest and speak your mind to the    guns… But that shhh don’t mean nothing when you dead or in
  world! The sky in the limit! Keep it up!
                                                                           jail, that girl gon’ move on, and yo' cars and yo' boys' cards gon'
                                                                           get towed. I don’t get why ninjas want cars with new L’s and you
                                                                           on 46 and 7s…ninja when you towed or stripped, it'll be gone as
                                                                           fast as it came. If you pop a ninja for trans, take your shot, they
  Change                                                                   gon' slap you with a 25 with an L!
      Because I didn’t listen to anyone, I kept a closed mind.                   So you pick your life, don’t let nobody pick it for you. You
      Because I kept a closed mind, my eyes too were shut.                 can only come to the hall so many times, then they gon’ bump
      Because of shut eyes, I saw nothing.                                 it up to CYA, and then it’s most likely it's too late: You turned
      Because I saw nothing, I missed experience.                          out and ready for the pen and then you either gonna get got or
      Because I missed experience, I became discontent.                    you get it if you know what I mean. We all got talent, we got to
      ‘Cause I was discontent, I began to light a blunt.                   take time to see what they are. Some people can rap, sing, play
      Because I lit a blunt, I opened my eyes,                             sports etc. Do what you were pot on earth to do, and if you
      And when I opened them, I seen reality,                              don’t believe there is a God, but you have to believe to see and
      And in reality, I opened my mind,                                    know….
      And because I opened my mind, I saw the silver lining                                                                 -Lil Ant, Alameda
      And when I saw the silver lining, I seen a different world,          From The Beat: This is such a powerful piece, especially because you’re
                                                                           speaking based on things you’ve seen with your own eyes, pains you’ve
      In that different world, I became content,                           suffered in your own life. And now to practice what you speak on,
      Because I’m content, I kept my mind open,                            what do you, Lil Ant, think you were put on earth to do. What is your
      Because I have an open mind, I listen to what people have            purpose?

      to say,

                                                                          So you pick your life,
      And because I listen to them, I had more experiences,
      And with those experiences, I became wiser.

                                                                          don’t let nobody pick
                                             -Angel, Los Angeles
  From The Beat: It’s funny that to begin the change from closing your
  mind to opening it, you smoked weed. Think about this: maybe you


                                                                          it for you.
  wanted to open yourself to life long before the weed got passed your
  way.



Page 4                                                                                                      Volume 16.12/13 thebeatwithin.org
 ie e f h e k
P c so t ew e
pieces of the week
     My Life is One Big Mistake                                                  Relate Or Take A Walk, If You Can
          My life is one big mistake
                                                                                      I love gettin’ money. I believe it’s my addiction.
          No love from the people who ought to love me,
                                                                                      I was taught ways to get it, ‘specially with my homies.
          No protection from the people who ought to protect me,
                                                                                      I know a lot of females with broken hearts; is there any fixing?
          But this is what I get.
                                                                                      They say ninjas is all the same, but, personally, I believe
          I get parents who both gangbang to different gangs who
                                                                                      I’m different.
          are out to get each other.
                                                                                      Walk in my shoes—can you continue to move ya legs?
          I get a mom who uses my body for her own enjoyment
                                                                                      ‘Cause seeing what I’ve seen and done, could make a ninja shake.
          I get a mother who uses me as a prostitute to get money
                                                                                      Keep ya balance, homeboy, you look like you finna break.
          for her drugs.
                                                                                      Matter fact, never try to walk in my shoes, you might faint.
          But no that’s not all.
                                                                                      Ever had a close friend get hit with the kada?
          I got taken away from her and adopted.
                                                                                      Ever had a goon that won’t hesitate to do you a favor?
          The I got abused by my drunken adopted parents.
                                                                                      What about a moms so janky, you gotta watch her stare?
          Always worry what time im going to be in the hospital
                                                                                      Kickin’ with ya boy, then he gone, as if he disappeared?
          next.
                                                                                      On ya own at thirteen; then, at that, death was near.
          I’m a girl who wishes for help to stop the madness that’s
                                                                                      I’ma blessin’ being alive—my gangsta wound on my ear.
          happening to me.
                                                                                      Ever had a solid female, but you pushed her away?
          I want to be free from my changes.
                                                                                      Too bad a lot of ninjas think that all females the same.
          Free from drugs
                                                                                      Them ninjas across the Bay probably felt my pain.
          Free from gang life
                                                                                      Or them ninjas down from here, that probably felt my rage.
          Free form sex
                                                                                      Well, being up from here, it’s all the same.
          Free from abuse
                                                                                                                                   -Obie One, Marin
          Free from the pain                                                     From The Beat: You’ve walked a long way through an often-treacherous
          I need to know a way out                                               path, and you deserve our hearts. You’ve basically raised yourself, and
          I need to find a way to be sane                                        you’ve emerged as a fabulous poet, writing your experiences. Can you
                                                                                 use your strengths to stay free?
          I need a way to survive or I’ll be dead by the age of 18.
          I need a new life.
          I want to be a new me.
          Loving and caring, and not scared of life.                             A Few Things To Say Today!
                                                  -Imani, Los Angeles            What’s up Beat? This is Creeper, and there’s a few things I want
     From The Beat: One thing they can never take from you is your life and
     your hope for a better future. But guard those closely, and hold them       to talk about, ummm I just found out that I’m not going to be
     dear. They are your gift to keep. Starting there, with love for yourself,   charged as an adult and I got lucky with them charging me as
     and all other things will come together around that.
                                                                                 a juvenile.
                                                                                       When I get out for sure I’m not going to come back cause
                                                                                 I’m going to change my life to God and it’s not about gangs any
     Wish I Could Say Goodbye                                                    more and there are some ugly girls in JDC.
     My mom was always a special person in my life, which is why,                      The thing I hate to hear the most is that I’m gonna end
     after fourteen years, I couldn’t understand why she was sending             up in prison or dead or paralyzed and this shhh I hear a lot
     me and my brothers and sisters away to foster care.                         from my family, some older friends and my PO and a lot of other
           Well, the morning the social worker came to take us away,             people but you know what I never cared or listened because I
     while walking out of my room with my bags ready to go, and with             was stubborn and hardheaded just like my dad. That’s why my
     so many emotions, and thoughts of curiosity racing through my               mom gave me the same name as my dad, but now I’m starting
     mind, I walked past my mother of fourteen years and shouted,                to realize that now I got to change my life around to God and do
     “F.. you, … !” I was so mad, and upset and confused.                        better in my life and get my education.
           Me and my brother stayed together throughout, moving                        And my Frustration, damn, it sucks being here in lockup
     house to house in foster care, but we both planned on leaving to            and waking up to the same shhh every day and hearing the staff
     go see my mother. We missed her, and wanted to go say hello.                yelling all the time, but heck with them you know, it’s all good
           One regular day, me and my bro were coming home from                  I’ll be out someday. Now, what can’t I imagine myself not being,
     school, and our foster parents are in the living room, waiting.             I can’t imagine myself in prison cause I would never want to
     They sit me and my brother down, and have me call my auntie.                end up there. That’s why I got to change my life for the better
     My auntie tells me my mother has died in the hospital.                      because I would lose my freedom and I can’t stand when people
           The first thing that came to my mind, were the last words             watch you use the bathroom, and take a shower and have to
     I said to her- then I knew that she had been dying all of those             shower with other guys, so that is why I’m gonna stay out of
     fourteen years and never told us. It’s a secret thought I hide              lock up, so for you all that are reading this keep your head up
     inside my thoughts, and even three years later, I think about               and do better in life cause it’s not worth it no more to get locked
     those last words I told my mom. Now, I wish I could replace                 up.
     those words with good bye.                                                        Turn your life to God ‘cause He’s the only one that’s going
                                                 -Blake, Los Angeles             to help you in your life alright.
     From The Beat- We feel your pain. But your confusion and anger were                           -Creeper, Land of Enchantment, New Mexico
     legitimate, in that you did not know why things were going down the         From The Beat: Thank you for sharing your story, we were able to see
     way they were. It’s hard to know the reasons for things when people         your fear, anger frustration and relief all in one short story. Do you
     don’t tell us.                                                              have any plans once you get out? If so would you care to share them?




thebeatwithin.org   Volume 16.12/13                                                                                                              Page 5
 ie e f h e k
P c so t ew e                                                 pieces of the week
  My Family Always Moves Suddenly                                           Goodbye
  Saying goodbye is hard, I assume. I, myself, don’t have much                   I hate to say goodbye, but what I hate even more is not
  experience with that. Some people don’t take advantage of                      being able to say goodbye.
  saying good-bye, they think of it as a burden. I view it as a gift.            My uncle passed away a year ago due to a nasty cocaine
       I’ve been to thirteen different schools in my life. A lot of              habit, and a bad alcohol problem.
  people move around. Moving is one thing, but not knowing                       That plus an attitude that made sure this world knew he
  you’re moving, is another. My mom was a druggie and she would                  didn’t give a flake.
  get so paranoid, she’d pack our stuff up and move across the                    He sustained these characteristics for years, you would
  state in a single day’s notice. She thought people were trying                 have thought he’d be gone sooner or later.
  to kill us. Don’t do crack. So, since I didn’t know I was leaving,             Well, time went by and he ended up in prison for along time
  I never got to say bye. All those relationships gone without                   - all of my family kept their fingers crossed that he’d come
  closure. Guess this is my chance. Good-bye, everybody.                         out learning from his mistakes;
                                                                                 well, their desires went to hell and their hearts grew cold
       Orange and blue; used underwear, no shoes                                 towards this man.
       Hair in the sheets; nasty-ass toilet seats                                All the while, I grew more caring for him.
       In my room, I make beats, something to rap to                             You see, we both had drug habits no one understood, and
       To pass wasted time; I’m searching for a sign                             everyone expected us to walk away
       Does the above sound appealing? Doing drugs, fighting                     like it was as easy as stealing candy from a baby;
       and stealing?                                                              they never understood and still don’t.
       But it doesn’t sink into the dome; this is the place we call              He had just gotten out once more only to continue who he
       home                                                                      was.
                                                   -Britney, Marin               Well, I found out he died March of last year.
  From The Beat: Will you go home with your mother, maybe talk her into          My heart grew angry and even furious towards my mother
  getting treatment? You need a secure family, to go to school, make real
  friends, get a job, not juvy as your home. Thank you for your beautiful        and father, aunts and uncles
  stories and poems. Goodbye.                                                     for not letting me know. They never gave me the chance
                                                                                 to stand by him and say goodbye,
                                                                                 to hold his hand and let him know I loved him, and didn’t
  Across The Way                                                                 want him to go.
                                                                                 While he deteriorated on the inside, I put more and more
       I see you a little but my vision is getting blurry.
                                                                                 crystal meth in my system..
       Tell Nario to take me to the Golden Gates in a hurry.
                                                                                                                       -Jesssica, Los Angeles
                                                                            From The Beat- It’s important to discuss what kind of help would have
       I'll touch his face and get a glimpse just for one more day.         kept him alive. Obviously what your family was doing didn’t help- what
                                                                            will help you? Do you want to help yourself?
       When I die, I will try to make it across the way.

       Keep him posted in a place until we're apart.
       It will beat like a drum, the place is my heart.
                                                                            Covered Up With Lies
       Think of memories, shed a tear for the last                               I’m living in a world that’s corrupt and full of hate.
       I'll miss my big brother and always think of the past.                    I could do life in the pen, up state.
                                                                                 I know deep down that this is not my fate.
       To dream of your smile, big, white and koolaid.                           I can’t go back, so it’s a little too late.
       I'll be mad at air-it-out, but pay attention to who's made.               My life is not a blessing that’s been in disguise.
                                                                                 It’s a remarkable story that’s been covered up with lies.
       Every night, I can't sleep 'cause your shadow is there.                   It was swept under the rug with no intention to arise.
       I cry all the time 'cause your spirt is everywhere.                       Well, guess what homeboy – here comes another surprise.
                                                                                                                               -C, Santa Cruz
                                                                            From The Beat: Another piece of fine writing C. Keep it up. Let it rise
       Past all yo' females down to your jr. baby Nardy                     and rise and rise. Words can fly, as you’ve discovered.
       He gonna put 'm on the track, bring it back and push
       hardys

       Brother, wait for me and Marco to come home.                         My Eye Bleeds the Streets
       Heaven or Hell? I don't know. It's unknown.                               Poverty filled streets
                                                                                 Liquor sold on every street
       I'll write this poem in my room 'til I turn blue                          Knocks selling their kids for a rock
       But this shhh won't change how much I'm missin' you.                      Ninjas killing over blocks
                                                                                 The Ghetto give the Man something to mock
       Live it up, big bra, haha.                                                My eye bleeds the streets
                                        -Natasia the Real, Alameda                                                     - Scario, Alameda
  From The Beat: Again, we are sorry about your brother. You pay            From The Beat: What a real piece. Thanks for sharing. Do you think
  excellent tribute to him. What were his dreams for you? What would he     other people in the Ghetto see it the way you do? What can be done
  like your life to be? What advice would he be giving you? Can you try     to fix these problems: poverty, killings, drug dealing? You know how
  to live twice as long to live for him too?                                it really goes, so pls. share with us.



Page 6                                                                                                       Volume 16.12/13 thebeatwithin.org
 ie e f h e k
P c so t ew e
pieces of the week
     Lost Souls                                                                  Goodbye...
          Black on black crime; to get, I snatch mine                                When I first saw your face, I fell in love.
          Raised in the ‘hood where the youngstas catch time                         I looked at you and thanked the one up above.
          Drug deals gone bad; little kids live sad                                  Holding you in my arms,
          Moms cry tears, and most kids never met Dad                                you were no bigger than a glove.
          We still dream, but most of us never sleep                                 The joy and happiness you brought me,
          ‘Cause the block is all day; man, it’s all week                            I always wanted it to show.
          You bang it, then you die here                                             I knew at the moment you were in my arms,
          And when a young ninja die, we don’t cry tears                             I never wanted to let you go.
          We pour liquor and hustle for our ninjas that ain’t here                   I never wanted to put you down.
          RIP to Mac Mark, in my heart I hold dear                                   I got sad whenever I saw you frown,
                                                       -Jordan, Marin                I started to cry the day I had to say goodbye,
     From The Beat: A beautiful poem about your sad, tragic young life.              even though I knew we would be with each other again.
     But you don’t get to snatch from other people. How can you use your
     many skills to live beyond your block, before the drama induces you             I held on to your little hand refusing to let go,
     to stay for good?                                                               because the day I would see you again,
                                                                                     I did not know.
                                                                                     Holding you for what felt like the last time,
                                                                                     trying to hold on to you for as long as I could,
     The Last Memory of My Father                                                    not knowing if I could put you down,
     I used to believe my father was a great person, until the day he                like I said I never would.
     proved me wrong. I was a young teen, not that long ago.                         I did...
          I woke up to screaming and crying. I ran to the kitchen, my                Feeling the tears stroll down my face,
     dad had my mom on the floor with a knife. At first, all I could do              my head down, and my body just turn.
     is cry and ask him to get off.                                                  I didn't want to cry,
          My oldest sister woke up and so did my little brother. I                   I only felt like I would die because the word wouldn't come
     couldn’t take it no more, so I started hitting him. He pushed me,               out.
     and I cried. That’s the day my dad left and he never came back.                 And that was good-bye.
          I guess there was more to it, but I was too young to                       I closed the door and just walked away.
     understand. I didn’t want to understand, even when I was older.                 When I turned around I asked myself why,
     All that was left was confusion. I was lost, not knowing what to                Even though I didn't want to.
     believe.                                                                        I should have taken that chance to say my goodbye.
                                                       -V, Los Angeles                                                             –Raven, Fresno
     From The Beat- Whatever the reasons, you know what he did was               From The Beat: Goodbyes are always difficult, and we are sorry you had
     wrong. What a sad end to your childhood. However, do everything you         to leave your child. We hope you will be reunited soon.
     can to find your own bearings; that’s what will get you to a place you
     can call home.



                                                                                 Unseen Permanent Marks On
     Gloomy Night                                                                The Canvas Of My Heart
          On this gloomy, rainy night
          I can’t sleep. Unwillingly, I start to think.                              Unseen permanent marks on the canvas that is my heart
          My eyes are blinking because I’m tired.                                    Imaginary rips and tears pull my heart apart
          But my mind is hyper.                                                      The pain is hard to cope with, and I keep it bundled up
          My life? … still trying to decipher.                                       My emotions are held hostage, like an inmate on death
          Midnight has passed                                                        row
          and I’m still trying to trick my mind.                                     Or a patient in solitary confinement
          At times, I wonder if I’m dreaming –                                       No one knows the truth, but to myself, I can't hide it
          so I can wake up.                                                          Escape plans and written routes, trying to find their way
          But the sound of drops hitting the cement                                  out
          tells me it’s no lie.                                                      Not too far along, the feelings get lost, and they find their
          Maybe the only way I could sleep                                           way out
          is by getting high.                                                        And hurt people, how they come across
          But I can’t. There’s a cage at my window,                                  The hurt directed towards others, is nowhere near mine
          and no handle on the door.                                                 Compared to me, they're a virgin to pain, not sexual, not
          Pillow under my head                                                       physical
          as I lay staring into my mind.                                             But in the mind, being mentally raped with the depressing
          Look into my eyes –                                                        thoughts
          you’ll see the mural.                                                      But these feelings never get the best of me, and it's a fight
                                                    -Daniel, Santa Cruz              well fought
     From The Beat: Maybe you needed to do that thinking. Another word                                                   -Samuel, San Francisco
     for what you were engaged in is: introspection. Intro means in; spec        From The Beat: Brilliant poem, Samuel. What, who has caused your
     means sight, or seeing (as in spectacles); tion means the act of. The act   wounds that are still suppurating? Since you know pain, can you stop
     of looking into yourself. It’s a good thing.                                hurting others with it, especially those as vulnerable as you?




thebeatwithin.org   Volume 16.12/13                                                                                                             Page 7
 ie e f h e k
P c so t ew e                                                pieces of the week
  The Thing I Hate To Hear The Most                                        Saying Goodbye
  The one thing I hate to hear the most is my mom crying. I
                                                                           I'm gonna write because it was almost my time to say goodbye
  thought that I was used to people crying and I thought it didn't
                                                                           to this world. I had a close one. But feel me I’m still here. I
  bother me, but what I realized is that when someone is crying,
                                                                           knew it wasn’t my time to say goodbye. I struggled and made it
  I always walk away.
                                                                           through. I kept it in my head to live because I was too young to
       Now that I'm locked up in the max, that option is taken from
                                                                           die. I wasn’t going to b another Latino dead on the street.
  me. When I got my first visit from my mom, I thought it would
                                                                                The last thing I remember is rolling my eyes backwards and
  be good because I didn't see her for some days and I missed her,
                                                                           hearing people cry. SCREAMING. And my body was hot. And it
  but as soon as I walked in, she started to cry. I didn't realize that
                                                                           was excruciatingly painful, and I wake up days later. My dad and
  my actions would result in this.
                                                                           mom on the side. All I asked for is a sprite.
       I had to sit through the whole visit just holding my mom,
                                                                                God put me in the world for a reason if I were to get shot
  telling her that it was going to be okay and that I'm safe in here.
                                                                           and live to tell the tale I am a damn lucky blessed miracle! I
  I felt like crying on the spot, but that would make my mom
                                                                           have seen this to be an awakening. And to better my life and
  worry more and I needed to man up until the visit was over.
                                                                           myself.
       Now I've been here for 42 days and not a minute goes by
                                                                                                                      - Awakened, Alameda
  that I don't hear or see my mom crying in my thoughts. This is           From The Beat: We’re sorry to hear that you’ve gone through so much
  the one thing that I hate to hear the most.                              already! But we are happy that some good has come from it – that
                                                                           you’ve taken this experience as a wake up call. What are you gonna
                                               -Oliver, Santa Clara        change about your life? How will you better yourself, now that you
  From The Beat: Causing pain on someone you love is a terrible feeling,   have this second chance?
  but the only reason she's crying is because she loves you and she's
  worried about you. You can see this as a challenge to change and make
  your mom proud and happy that you've made such an improvement in
  your attitude and behavior, and you can both forget about the past.

                                                                           Mom and Me
                                                                               Because I got incarcerated, my mom was irate.
  Lights Out!                                                                  Because my mom was irate, she cut me off.
      The smoke burns but I still inhale                                       Because she cut me off, I felt alone.
      I’m broken but I still cut                                               Because I felt all alone, I felt trapped.
      My feet hurt but I still run                                             Because I felt trapped, I became stressed, and the stress
      I’m stuck and almost lifeless, I’m pissed                                made me put things in perspective.
      And I knock down anything that comes my way                              Because I put things in perspective, my mom came back
      I am an outsider with no flesh                                           around.
      I scream until my tonsils bleed                                          She told me she loved me, and that she forgave me, and
      I have too many nightmares so I don’t sleep                              that she would never leave my side because she knew I
      I’m fat so I don’t eat,                                                  could get through these six long months.
      I’m ugly so I’m against mirrors                                          Because I have six long months, that gives me time to
      I look around and no one’s there                                         reflect on my wrongdoings,
      I pushed then away, I’m cruel, I’m pushing                               Because I can reflect on my wrongdoings, I can be a
      Myself I’m done with this shhh so…                                       loving, caring person again.
      Lights out!                                                                                                     -Paulette, Los Angeles
                                                                           From The Beat: Tell us more about your time in reflection. What more
                                                -Helpless, Fresno          have you learned?
  From The Beat: Anyone who reads this will feel your pain – but they’ll
  also feel your talent, your vivid images, the way you use your words
  to teach, to share, and to let the world get an inside view of your
  struggle. This is not the poem of a helpless person – it’s the poem of
  someone with great strength. Lights on!                                  Remorse
                                                                               My freedom to take
                                                                               Just a price
  Saying Goodbye                                                               For my mistakes
  When I was a kid my dad was never around. He was out long                    Because of my chemical dependency
  enough to get my mom pregnant. Then he was locked up again.                  Now I’m waiting
  He got out when I was five – for 36 days. Then he got locked up,             For the court to sentence me
  again.                                                                       I’m looking at a lot of time
       It was really hard to say goodbye to him. He’d get out and              For a
  then just disappear.                                                         Pestilential crime
       He was down until just recently. He got out last April. It’s            Feelings of great regret
  hard to have a dad who constantly gets locked up. He missed                  What I did
  out on my whole life. I pray I don’t follow in his footsteps.                Is impossible to forget
       All I can hop0e for is a good life. I just want my dad to stay          With a void in my heart
  out. I have a 12 year old brother who needs a dad. Have faith.               Forgiving myself
                                                  -Zach, Santa Cruz            Is only a start
  From The Beat: A very moving piece, Zach. Thanks for opening up. We                                                           -Ck, San Jose
  know there are a thousand heartfelt pieces inside you, waiting to get    From The Beat: Have you begun to forgive yourself? If so, how? If not,
  out. Keep them coming – please.                                          why not? How do you deal with your remorse?



Page 8                                                                                                     Volume 16.12/13 thebeatwithin.org
 ie e f h e k
P c so t ew e
pieces of the week
                                                                                This Pain
     Internal Tears                                                                  Burning anger deep down inside
          I want to cry, but my tear ducts won’t allow it.                           Aching pain alone in my mind
          I’ve cried too much. I think I need a different outlet.                    When will it stop?
          I cut myself. Watch me bleed out.                                          When did it begin?
          But it’s not enough, so I get the weed out.                                I fight pain somewhere inside my mind
          Sex and drugs. Rock ‘an’ roll.                                             Make it stop
          But in my mom, I see the toll.                                             Make it go away
          A black hole in disguise.                                                  I can’t survive one more day
          I pretend it’s not there. I close my eyes.                                 Stranded in this world full of impossible demands
          I’m crying from the inside out.                                            Everywhere I turn I’m left with empty hands
          Trying to get my emotions out.                                             I have so much anger inside, locked away inside my mind
          Trying to be like everybody else.                                          I can’t keep control, I’m lost inside my mind
          ‘Cause there’s so much wrong with myself.
                                                                                     Each person at birth
          On the outside, you see a smile.
                                                                                     Is born with mind and soul
          But, if someone would only stay a while
                                                                                     And our search on earth,
          You would see the darkness resides.
                                                                                     Begins with good
          It hides inside, and comes out at night.                                   This good we seek
          All I need is light, a lil’ help in this fight.                            Is hard to achieve
          But all have forsaken, and they left me                                    Life can be mean
          Crying from the inside out.                                                But you have to believe
          Trying to get my emotions out.                                             Hope makes me strong
          Trying to be like everybody else.                                          With emotions so weak
          ‘Cause there’s no much wrong with myself.                                  To know that I’m important
                                                          -Britney, Marin            Makes my sadness retreat
     From The Beat: You’re like nobody else, but that doesn’t mean there’s
     anything wrong with you! What’s causing your black hole inside, that
                                                                                                                                     - Cullie, Alameda
                                                                                From The Beat: We applaud you for keeping hope amidst so much pain
     drives you to cut yourself, smoke weed, party too much, hurt your mom
                                                                                and anger. What makes you know that you’re important – family and
     and yourself? Who has abandoned you? If you have anyone you trust,
                                                                                loved ones, goals and dreams, plans for change, believing in yourself?
     go to him/her, get the help you need.
                                                                                We hope you share your positive attitude with everyone around you. It
                                                                                really does make a difference!



     The Sad Story Of A White Girl
     And A Barrio Boy                                                           No Love Left In Your Eyes
                                                                                     Never knew how to say this, but it’s not right to delay this
     Hey, what’s up, Beat? Man, I’ma tell you a sad story about his
                                                                                     Your kiss ain’t got the same flare and when I stare at your eyes
     girl who was in love with a Latino boy from the barrio, but she
                                                                                     I try to find love that isn’t there, a reassurance that you care
     couldn’t be with him, because she was a white girl from the
                                                                                     But there’s no trace of what we once shared; that tears me
     suburbs.
                                                                                     up inside
          Well, this story started when one day the white girl, name
                                                                                     But I don’t show it; the appearance of a rapper, but the
     was Anne, was walking through the barrio because she got lost,
                                                                                     heart of a poet
     and the reason why she got lost was because her rich white
                                                                                     Carry all this pain inside, like a vein added with the strain of life
     mom forgot to pick her up, so she had to go and take the bus.
                                                                                     Slowly bleeding me like a knife. It’s all strife
     While she was walking, some girls from the barrio came out
                                                                                                                            -Mummie, San Francisco
     of an alley, and was trying to make fun of her, because she                From The Beat: You’re an amazing rapper. There’s no pain like when you
     was lost. One of the girls was, “Y’all dark hair and dress like            see the death of the two of you in your love’s eyes. You have our hearts.
     a pandillero (gang member.)” She punched Anne and the other
     girls start jumping her. Oscar heard the screams and came out
     of his house, and yelled at his homegirls to stop. They didn’t
     stop, so he came out of the house and walked toward them and               Who Knew?
     yelled, “Stop the shhh, you are in front of my damn en cantana.”           Who knew my mom wouldn't want me?
     The girls recognized the voice and took off running.                       Who knew that my life would have so much pain?
          Oscar walked and knelled down to help the girl. She trying            Who knew people in this world could be so cruel?
     to shake his hands off, screaming, “Get off me.”                           Who knew that when I turned thirteen I would be a prostitute?
          “Quit doing the shhh, I’m trying to help you,” Oscar said,            I sure didn't.
     upset. Anne finally stopped struggling and let herself be pulled           Who knew that I would get addicted to the fast life?
     by Oscar’s stronger arms. “Damn, Gringa, you got messed up,”               I never knew that life would be so bad!
     Oscar said. Anne didn’t answer. She just stood there.                      But the thing that keeps my hopes up is that I'm still young and
                                             -Duende, San Francisco             have a chance.
     From The Beat: Beautiful story, or, better yet, start to a story. Was                                                  -Lil' Ma', Alameda
     Anne’s mother mad at herself for neglecting her? Does Oscar fall in love   From The Beat: You are still young and have a chance. Probably quite a
     with Anne, too? Who forbade them from being together, Anne’s mother,       few chances, actually. So what's next? Have you broken your addiction
     or Oscar’s family? Why do either of them listen to their families? Write   to the fast life? Do you need help to do that? We look forward to
     more!                                                                      hearing what you do with your next chance!




thebeatwithin.org   Volume 16.12/13                                                                                                                Page 9
 ie e f h e k
P c so t ew e                                                 pieces of the week
  Momma, Nario Still Loves You                                              A Dream Of Us
       When things are going wrong and I can't sing any songs               One night I had a dream of us. You was hurt bad. You had
       I try to put a smile on her face, her day, going long.               bruises on yo’ back, couldn’t even say a word to me. You had a
       Nario is watchin' over your soul 'cause you can't let go.            deep stare that wouldn’t be broken. I carried you to my room,
       Mama, smile for your baby and just go with the flow.                 laid you on my bed, took off yo’ soakin’ wet clothes and gave
       Relax, lay back, don't be worried 'bout your baby, 'cause            you a white tall T of mines, and you slipped it on and slipped
       he's in a better place.                                              right under my covers.
       Please Mama, I know it's drivin' you crazy.                               I looked at you lying in my bed, with the same stare. You
       Smell his shirt, see his picture, think back to when we              don’t even bother to look at me, and less stare. Your eyes filled
       were small.                                                          with tears. They blink and the tears start down yo’ face.
       Revolve around his spirit, Mama, all after all.                           I walk up to you, pull yo’ hair from yo’ face. At the same
       Miss his scent, smell his stench.                                    time, I wipe the tears away, lean forward to kiss yo’ on your
       Mama, he still loves you, so don't worry, don't flinch.              cheek. When I did, I noticed tears that was waiting to fall from
       RIP Nario.                                                           my face. You finally broke the endless stare, grabbed me, and
                                           -Nardyentasia, Alameda           the same time, while kissin’ me…
  From The Beat: We are sorry about Nario. It's great you are thinking                                           -Yopinator, San Francisco
  about your mother. You must feel bad for being away from her and          From The Beat: This is by far the most sensuous, romantic piece you’ve
  in jail. How can you stay free so that you can be there for her, as she   ever written. Congratulations! When this lady was hurt, you treated
  needs?                                                                    her so tenderly.




  Am I…                                                                     Heartbroken
       Am I stupid because I carry a gun?
       Am I stupid because I think it’s fun?                                     ‘Cause we were kicking it in the hood
       Ami I stupid because I’ll die for my own?                                 We didn’t know what was going on at home.
       Am I stupid, should I go home?                                            ‘Cause we didn’t know what was going on at home, we
       Am I stupid because I think I like this?                                  were now enrolled in danger,
       Am I stupid because of the identification on my wrist?                    ‘Cause of this danger, a crime was committed
       Am I stupid because I snoot and I don’t plan to miss?                     Because of this crime, lives have been taken.
       Am I stupid because of the life that I choose?                            ‘Cause of these lives being taken, hearts were broken.
       Am I stupid because of the topic I use?                                   Tears began falling like waves in the ocean.
       Am I stupid because when someone’s hurt I’m amused?                       ‘Cause of this one moment, families will never have the
       Am I stupid, just let me know before I die.                               love they used to hold.
                                              - Unknown, Alameda                 ‘Cause of that, I feel like my heart is broken.
  From The Beat: Are these rhetorical questions – in other words, are you                                                -Ashley, Los Angeles
  asking yourself these questions? Or are you asking your audience? Or      From The Beat: We are sorry about your actions, an if it is only a
  us? By asking, it seems like you are aware of the negative consequences   poem, and did not happen to you, we are sure sadly it has happened
  of your actions. Sometimes, it’s nice to stop and give yourself time      to a number of our readers. IF this did occur, what next? If anything,
  to think about the things you do. By doing this, you just may save        we encourage you to teach and share your pain, ideas and thoughts
  yourself from making some wrong choices in the future.                    through The Beat.




  Massive Attack                                                            Escaping The Ghetto
       Could I really be that stupid? Did I trust you with my               Move from one ghetto to another, and being someone who is
       soul?                                                                trapped in the ghetto, I don’t think the ghetto is something
       I asked you for it back; you simply told me it was sold.             to glorify. I have seen the ghetto take dreams and lives, and I
       I gave you all my secrets; in return I received nil.                 would rather try to find a way out. It’s something to think about.
       I thought that I could trust you; yo, Kid, what’s the deal?          You could have the ghetto mentally, but only someone from the
       I was warned about you, but told my sister I could trust             ghetto, a real ghetto, would tell you to look for a way out.
       you.                                                                      I am from one of the ghettos of Fresno, and I have seen a
       I let you hold my soul, so why would I just mess with you?           lot of things happen. I have seen a lot of things happen that
       But, instead, you messed with me; here’s my “the hell with           I wouldn’t want anybody to go through. So I don’t praise the
       you” right back.                                                     ghetto even though I am from there. I would always try to find a
       You broke my heart, and that’s a massive attack.                     way to escape my mind set.
                                                       -Mak, Marin                                                           -Manuel, Fresno
  From The Beat: Great poem, written out of a your anguish at being         From The Beat: You’re right, there is nothing to glorify about the
  betrayed. How and to whom did this youngster sell your soul? Can you      ghetto. It is a difficult reality for those who experience it everyday.
  heal it, grow it back? Next time, you could offer someone your heart,     What do you think it would take for someone to be able to leave a
  but keep your soul your own?                                              place like that?




     I have seen a lot of things happen that I wouldn’t
                           want anybody to go through.
Page 10                                                                                                      Volume 16.12/13 thebeatwithin.org
 co-pieces of the week
    Open My Eyes A Little Wider                                              Saying Goodbye to My Baby
         Saying goodbye to the struggle,                                     The person I had to say goodbye to is my baby. Even though I
          ‘Cause that’s not the way I want to hustle.                        didn’t say the words. I just didn’t know I would get busted that
         It’s harder to do good than to do evil,                             same day I walked out of the house. I wish I could go back and
         So we all pick the easy way to live.                                be the best mother.
         But at the end we’re only going to hit rock bottom.                      The other day, I called my sister-in-law, and I felt really sad
         So live for myself is what I got to do in my mentality,             because I heard my baby crying in the background. Sometimes I
         My best bet is to push to my capacity,                              sit and wonder if he knows that his mom isn’t there taking care
         Open my eyes a little wider, ‘cause I’m tired of living in this     of him.
         struggle,                                                                                                        -Linda, Los Angeles
         Called suffering and pain that’s running through my veins.          From The Beat: It’s impossible to be a good mother from inside the
                                                                             walls of the system. Get your life back, and be present and loving to
          So saying goodbye to the struggle and pain until then,             your baby.
         here I remain.
                                                   -Jasmine, Alameda
    From The Beat: Great poem! When you open your eyes a little wider,
    what do you see? What kind of future do you see for yourself, and what
    goals do you want to achieve? Tell us what “doing good” looks like to
    you!
                                                                             The Ghetto Is What You Make Of It
                                                                             I do not know why people call it the ghetto. An area, neighborhood,
                                                                             street, or small city is not a ghetto at all. In my opinion it is only
                                                                             what you make it, or what you experience in that area. You could
    Why Do You Choose Him Over Me?                                           be in a nice or well-behaved neighborhood, but one bad person
    Growing up watching you get beat on daily,I tried to help but was        or experience could make you think twice about that hood or
    too strong for me. Then you sent me away and I wasn't loved,             street.
    just mistreated. And still to this day, I struggle watching you                However, at the same time, you could have entered an area
    with this man and I wonder why you choose to stay. I just want           that would look bad, but could have nice people. For example,
    to take you away...from all of it.                                       you could be mugged in a good neighborhood as easily as you
         Why ain't I good enough, Ma? Why don't you just leave him           could in “the ghetto” and you could also be helped out in the
    alone? You've got me and your son and we love you. I hate to see         ghetto, as if it was a good neighborhood.
    you with him and it makes me feel so powerless.                                You would not be surprised of the people you meet in
         So now I'm doing all I can to take you away, doing things           different areas. For example, I could be one of many people
    I never through about doing. I know it's wrong what I'm doing,           that could mug you, but easily help you out at the same time.
    but I'm doing it. Selling my ass to get this money so I can take         However, in many people’s eyes, the ghetto is a scary and
    care of you... take you away from him. Even though I know you            dangerous place, but if you know how to stick it out it is not
    should be the one taking care of me.                                     that bad. I see my hood as a pretty ghetto. It is my home. I am not
                                                -Daughter, Alameda           ashamed, but I am not proud. I just see it as another day living
    From The Beat: You are brave. Sounds like you need to be taking care     life.
    of you. We don't think you should be taking care of your mother at the
    expense of your self-respect and your freedom. In our experience, she                                                        -Ramon, Fresno
    needs to decide herself to leave. Just make sure she always knows that   From The Beat: Good point. Everyone has a different experience
    you will be there for her when she does. Good luck.                      wherever they live. Although things seem bad sometimes, perceiving it
                                                                             that way could be wrong. Thanks for sharing your point of view.




    The Ride
    All this last summer I can remember being with my boyfriend—             Farewell
    laughing, smiling, crying, yelling, singing. We were so happy,               Goodbye, farewell,
    just spending time with each other. Nothing else mattered, but               I will not come back to this hell
    just the two of us, as well as our happiness. When we found                  This is not the place for me, not who I plan to be,
    ourselves parked out at the beach, hearing the waves violently,              All I crave is to be free,
    yet soothingly, crash against the shore, staring deep into each              I look at myself in the mirror,
    other’s eyes, I would be sitting in his lap, my legs outstretched,           My reflection is so severe
    feet pressed firmly against the passenger door. His strong arms              I think to myself this is reality
    were holding me tightly, his soft skin soothing me.                          All the toughts in my head filled with only brutality
         “Baby, don’t cry,” he says, calmly.                                     STOP! NO!
         It just hurts me. I just miss him. I need him here. We had              This is not my life. Not how it’s going to go!
    that conversation often, almost every summer night. Being here               I am going to do me, and me is what I’m going to do.
    makes me miss those nights. I was truly happy on those nights.               I am not going to live the life that I’ve lived, a life that is
    I would do anything, I would give everything, I would go to the              never true.
    end of the earth if I could just be back in those summer nights I            I am going to succeed, I am going to prevail!
    shared with him.                                                             So now I say goodbye, farewell
                                                        -Renee, Marin            I will not come back to this hell.
    From The Beat: What a lovely memory. What happened to those nights?                                           -DruAngelique, Los Angeles
    What has happened to this young man? What became more important          From The Beat: We love it! Keep that attitude, and make your life the
    to you than these nights, that brought you into juvy?                    one you want to live! Stay strong!



thebeatwithin.org   Volume 16.12/13                                                                                                       Page 11
                                               co-pieces of the week
  My Dream Car is A Bentley                                                 Youngster
  Every since I was little, I've been interested in cars. Unlike boys,           Because I’m immature, I got busted.
  I could care less what's up under the hood, I just want it to be               Because I got busted, I realized I’m acting my shoe size,
  really fancy, and I have to look really nice in the driver's seat. My          Which implies that I’m home,
  dream car is a Bentley '99. I, for some reason, have the hots for              To make me a better man, a father to my daughter.
  it. The look of it and the name.
       As many should know, this is one of the most luxurious                    From a graffiti vandal to drug abusing,
  cars on the road.                                                              I’m young and reckless.
       And broke people sure can't have them. Well, unless you                   From dealing on the corner and stealing a woman’s
  steal one. Lenard said she wants that car, and I think that's very             necklace..
  funny how you can get it if you work hard for it. When I was a                 A sign of a kid who never cared,
  freshman, I though Escalades were the best, but now I say I want
  an '06 Benner as my first car.                                                 But now I have a kid,
       And I mean it. I'll settle on having a Cadillac for my first, but         No more that life for me.
  I really want an '06 BMW Gray, fully loaded. But I know what I                 I have a story to tell for all the homies in hell
  want. So I really have my mind set. So hopefully, I can find one               I’m sorry, I can’t see you,
  in my reach and worth my value.                                                I used to wanna be like you,
                                            –Pepper Sauce, Alameda               but now I despise you.
  From The Beat: We all love a good ride, but is that your top priority?
  Right now it seems like what you need is something that won’t break
  down, something that can get you to school, to work, so you can get            The Lord forgave me,
  a good paying job…Once you have basic needs taken care of, then it’s           He actually saved me
  time to think about the luxuries, no?
                                                                                 He sent me a gift,
                                                                                 And now I must lift.
                                                                                 Dear Lord, thank you every day for my baby
  Spitting Hard                                                                  One day she’ll become a beautiful lady.
                                                                                                                      -Samuel, Los Angeles
       I’ve been up all night, thinking to myself.                          From The Beat: Raising children and being a role model is no joke. Make
       Why don’t nobody answer when a ninja call for help?                  sure you’re available for your children. Ask yourself, is there anything
       I swear this shhh crazy. Feel like I’m talking to myself.            worth giving up my kids for? And remember what it’s like when you’re
                                                                            not with them. That’s a role in life you don’t want to miss.
       I feel like a book, getting dusty on the shelf.
       Damn, I just got one question:
       What a ninja got to do to have a lesson?
       No matter what I do, I can’t stop stressin’.
       Calling out to God, “I’m just looking for a blessin’.”
                                                                            Sooner Or Later
                                                                            Saying goodbye to someone you love can be painful but it has to
       And never again will I pick those friends.                           happen sooner or later. My worst goodbye was to my grandpa. It
       The ones that hurt you and say, “Ninjas to the end.”                 was the worst thing that could have happened to me. It was like
       They could smile in your face, but talk behind your back.            someone just took my breath away and never gave it back to me.
       And when I’m all mad, that ain’t no dream, it’s a stone cold             I felt like I had a knot in my throat and I couldn't even pass
       fact.                                                                my breath. It happened so quick and all out of nowhere. What
                                     -Young Smash, San Francisco            was the reason for his death? I will never know, but some things
  From The Beat: We, your Beat readers, are listening. If your homies
  have left you inside, without writing you, looking after your family on   you just can't figure out. All I can say to him is, "Journey Well."
  the outs, and are trash talking about you, you must be hurting so much.                                                      -James, Fresno
  You write like you’re always loyal to them. You have our hearts.          From The Beat: Sometimes we will never know the answers, and that’s
                                                                            okay. Your grandpa is probably in a better place watching over you.




                                                                            Ghetto Streets
                                                                                 Being in the ghetto streets is really crazy
                                                                                 In my life experience it really amaze me
                                                                                 I seen a lot of people getting shot
                                                                                 My mama always told me to stay off the block
                                                                                 I didn’t listen, yeah I admit that
                                                                                 Look where I’m at
                                                                                 In the Hall, tryna get back home
                                                                                 Really tryna move on
                                                                                 I pray to God every day I stay strong.
                                                                                 Yea.
                                                                                                                            -Makela, Alameda
                                                                            From The Beat: This is a powerful poem, we almost called it “Tryna Move
                                                                            On,” because that’s your next big challenge. You’ve struggled for so
                                                                            long, but come out alive and strong, so now what will you do to move
                                                                            on from your old ways so you can thrive?



Page 12                                                                                                      Volume 16.12/13 thebeatwithin.org
 co-pieces of the week
    Frustrated
         Because I chose to hang out with the wrong person, I                  My Stress
         ended up in Juvi.                                                          Because my brother invited me to a party I got drunk.
         Because I’m in Juvi, I can’t do the things I want.                         Because I got drunk, I got in a fight.
         Because I can’t do the things I want, it makes me                          And because I got down, they jumped me and chased me to
         frustrated inside.                                                         my house,
         Because I am frustrated, it’s hard for me to think straight.               Because they were chasing me, I left the door open.
         Because I can’t think straight, I can’t make the right                     Because I left the door open, my aunt’s pitbull she just
         decisions.                                                                 bought ran out, got run over, and died,
         Because I can’t make the decisions, I can’t do what I’m                    Because her pitbull died, I got in a fight with my aunt.
         supposed to do.                                                            Because I got in a fight with my aunt, my grandmother
         Because I can’t do what I’m supposed to do, I can’t stay                   kicked me out.
         out of trouble.                                                            Because I got kicked out, I had nowhere to stay
         Because I can’t stay out of trouble, I’m gonna end up right                Because I had nowhere to stay, I was staying in the street,
         back in here when I get out.                                               I had no money
         But I can change all that, because I believe in myself.                    Because I had no money, I started robbing,and
                                                 -Kevin, Los Angeles                Because I started robbing, I got locked up and now I’m
    From The Beat: The chain of logic here is clear. Believe in yourself and        here in juvi.
    you will never fail.
                                                                                    Because I’m in juvi, I’m really messing up!
                                                                                                                            -Moises, Los Angeles
                                                                               From The Beat- We should start the story like this: “Because I got some
                                                                               stress I don’t know how to handle, I got to drink and fight.” Is this
    Goodbyes                                                                   true? And what other ways are there to deal with stress that won’t get
                                                                               you locked up?
    I was hit by a car on 9/11/09. I was supposed to die. I remember
    looking up at the sky not wanting to say goodbye. I remember
    fainting. I never knew I was going to wake up again. The last
    thing I saw was a sky full of stars. Last thing I heard was my
    friends talking. I heard arguments and everything. The last
                                                                               Saying Good-Bye Is The Hardest
    thing I touched with my fingertips was my cell-phone wanting to            Thing
    call my baby daddy, but I couldn’t- he was in prison. I couldn’t           It was two weeks before Christmas when my tia (aunt) Corina
    breathe. I was on the floor, left in the cold air.                         told me, “Mijo, you’re going to San Francisco. Tu papa said you
         The worst thing about goodbyes is when a person leaves or             have court and that you’re getting off probation on the 28th of
    dies and you never had the chance to say goodbye. Such as my               December.”
    homies dying when I am locked up. Or when my baby’s father                      But I knew it was a set-up. I was only there for two and a
    got locked up. I never knew. I have to wait five years to see him          half, and my stay there was not going too good. I was not enrolled
    again. And what’s worst is I left my best friend. I didn’t leave her       in school. I started smoking and partying all day, every day, ‘til
    a note or anything. I never even got the chance to say goodbye.            finally I bought a .380 and really started messing up. I started
                                                  -Maria, Los Angeles          fighting and caused a lot of stress to my tia.
    From The Beat: Your writing speaks volumes, and we are glad you are
    alive, and hopefully in a better position, to take a hold of your young         I never knew that when I got back to the “states,” that I’d get
    life, so you won’t anytime soon have to say goodbye.                       locked up. So, finally I realized I needed to get my act straight,
                                                                               but I ran out of time. So, by the time I enrolled myself in school,
                                                                               it was three days before my flight, and Christmas. I had so many
                                                                               friends and I had a beautiful girlfriend, but I knew it was time to
    The Ride                                                                   leave. I didn’t want to give my family a bad reputation. I started
    He was just a little boy but they didn’t know that. We decided to          to say bye to the people I knew, but then the real friends I had--it
    go mobbin’ one day, the homies in one G-ride and us in another.            was real hard. I told my girlfriend at the time that I was leaving,
    We just thought we were gonna floss the new wipes, but no, we              but she didn’t believe it.
    were rolling through a hood when they saw a boy wearing the                     Christmas finally came and I told my tia that I’m sorry and
    wrong colors. Bang-bang we looked behind us and the homies                 to love me still for all the tough times I put her through. I got
    were stopped with the shotti pointed out the window when we                super drunk with my friends and we had it lite for my last hours
    reversed. There was a boy lying on the floor bleeding from the             in Peru, and I made love to my girlfriend for her first time. But
    head and a basketball rolling on the floor, we just took off.              then it took a lot of tears to tell her good-bye. My real friends
         I felt so guilty as if I did it. The next day all the homies came     were guys, so it was kinda easy to say good-bye. Then, to my
    to the pad wearing black, they had a bottle wanting to drink from          fam-bam, it wasn’t even a good-bye, it was a, “See ya later.” I was
    the minute they walked in the door. We knew something was up,              happy that I left, because if I didn’t and I ended up dead due to
    they were flossing all their guns, but nothing ever happened.              barrio wars, then I’d be sad, due to knowing that I could have
         A few years later my homie told me that day they were going           made some good out of being there. I also promised that when I
    to kill me and my family that was in the house with me that                came back, I’d be a whole different Anthony.
    night ‘cause they thought we would leak.                                                                      -El Peruanoso, San Francisco
                        -Deanna, Land of Enchantment, New Mexico               From The Beat: Leaving everybody you loved in Peru must have been
    From The Beat: This is both sad and scary, did your “homies” every get     agonizing. Have you made a new family and friends, girlfriends here?
    charged for shooting the young boy? You and your family were very          Can you stay out of barrio wars in Peru and the US? How will you make
    lucky; do you know why they didn’t follow through with their plans?        “some good out there”?



thebeatwithin.org   Volume 16.12/13                                                                                                          Page 13
                                               co-pieces of the week
  Nothing To Do With The Law
  What I don't want to imagine myself doing in the future is being          My worst experience
  part of the law that includes policemen. The reason is because            The worst experience disaster that I’ve ever experienced was
  the cops put me in here and on the outs, they try to arrest me            seeing my grandpa sick in the hospital.
  for just walking in the middle of the day with a few friends. Then             I got a phone call from my sister, she was all crying telling
  they stop me and they try to harass me, and frame me with                 me that grandpa is really sick and in the hospital, saying that
  things I didn't even do.                                                  he might not even make it through the weekend. I couldn’t
       So that's why I wouldn't imagine myself working for the law          even believe it didn’t’ even say anything after and then I started
  although I do want to be in the Air Force or the Marines. I know          crying. I was either at school or an appointment when I received
  they have something do with the law, but it's better because I            the call.
  won’t be in the streets trying to catch my friend. That's why I                I got picked up and dropped off at the Presbyterian hospital
  don’t want to have anything to do with the law.                           to go see him in his room. I went up to the room, walked in and
                                                    –Carlos, Fresno         found my whole dad’s side of the family in the room standing
  From The Beat: Thanks for sharing your opinion. Do you think there are    around the bed where my grandpa laid. I walked up and started
  good cops out there who try to help people?
                                                                            crying.
                                                                                 For me just to see him lying there in that bed like that,
                                                                            I couldn’t’ stand it. Then they had to move him to a hospice
  Click-Clack-Bow!                                                          because there wasn’t anything else that the Doctors could do.
       It sounds like a lion’s roar                                         I stayed there until like 7 then I had to leave because I was on
       It spits fire like a dragon                                          house arrest and couldn’t stay any longer. I got home and like at
       It throws a metal spear                                              2 in the morning I got a call saying that my grandpa passed away
       Everyone runs when the spears soar                                                      -Ashlee, Land of Enchantment, New Mexico
                                                                            From The Beat: It must have been hard not being able to spend more
       Spearing people straight through, smooth like Satan                  time with your grandpa because you had to get home because of
       When you hear the lion’s roar, see the fire of the dragon            probation? It is hard to loose some one you truly care about, the best
                                                                            thing you can do is talk about it.
       Run because death is near
       And because of the gunshot all that is left
       Is either MADNESS or SADNESS…
                                                  -Tonga, Alameda
  From The Beat: We like the different ways you describe the sound of       Afterlife
  a gunshot – like a lion’s roar, showing how the streets can be a jungle        Life after me is only death, but you knew that.
  in which people are just trying to survive. Your closing line is very
  effective and demonstrates the danger of guns; even if they don’t end          Tell ‘im, “Get gone,” “Kick rocks,” “Where ya shoes at?”
  up taking your life, they contribute to madness (always questioning            I should have known from the go, you was faulty.
  your safety) and sadness (losing loved ones due to gun violence). In           I’ll refund ya love, but keep everything you bought me.
  what ways can you overcome the destruction brought on by guns?
                                                                                 The wedding band we would’ve said, “I do” to…
                                                                                 The night you said, “I love you,” and I said, “I do, too.”
                                                                                 But it’s cool. Tell ya man, I’ll holla.
  I’m Losing My Mind                                                             I’ll catch ‘im at the bank when collecting yo’ dollas.
                                                                                                                                  -Mak, Marin
       I’m losing my mind,                                                  From The Beat: So, this guy is after your lady’s cash, while you just
       Goin’ crazy inside,                                                  wanted her heart? Instead of meeting her new man with her dollars at
       My feelings I can’t hide,                                            his bank, why not just leave them alone?
       So I put them aside.
       I just lay on my bed,
       And think of the dead,
       The comments I posted, I know you read,                              I Hate To Hear Police Sirens, The
       As I wrote them, tears started to shed.                              Phone Ringing At Night
       It’s me Lil NuNu,                                                    The thing I hate to hear the most are police sirens. Most people
       Open my eyes and I can’t see you,                                    feel relieved to know the police are around, because they feel
       I don’t know what to do,                                             that the police keep them safe. But for me, it’s the exact opposite.
       You’re in my heart and that is true.                                 Then the boys is around, I feel nervous, or not at ease, because
       As days go by,                                                       I’m always at the opposite side of the law. They always tryna
       I start to cry,                                                      mess with me, or try to keep me in places like this.
       And I wonder why,                                                         Another thing I hate to hear is my phone constantly
       Because I love and miss you,                                         ringing in the middle of the night, because most of the time, it’s
       That’s no lie.                                                       someone trying to tell me bad news. Last time that happened, it
       You were very kind,                                                  was someone telling me my dad had got killed. Now I turn my
       A very hard person to find,                                          phone off before I go to sleep. These are just some things I hate
       I’m losing my mind                                                   to hear.
       I’m losing my mind.                                                                                           -Doodie, San Francisco
                                                        -NuNu, Fresno       From The Beat: We’re so sorry about your dad. No wonder you hate
  From The Beat: To feel like you are losing your mind is difficult and     phone calls late at night. Why are you always “on the opposite side of
  frustrating. Writing helps. Thanks for sharing this painful but deeply    the law”? Can you use your street skills to create/sell/teach something
  beautiful poem with The Beat.                                             you enjoy, and make good money?



Page 14                                                                                                     Volume 16.12/13 thebeatwithin.org
 co-pieces of the week
    Things I Want To Say To My Girl
    You are beautiful. Your beauty does not compare to that of
    a goddess or that of a beautiful rose dipped in gold. We both
    are like the earth and the sun, attracted to each other by the
    gravitational force of love. I revolve around you, because without
    you, I wouldn’t be warm inside, and it wouldn’t be daylight
    without you, just darkness. I would just be a cold piece of rock,
    floating in space, without a course. Thank you for your sunlight
    and your gravitational force that keeps me on track.
                                                -Weez, San Francisco
    From The Beat: This lady must get lots of credit, because you write so
    brightly and warmly, that you must glow, too, but it’s hard to believe
    your moon merely reflects her sun.




    Falling Apart
         Everything’s falling apart.
          I lost the one I love over a stupid mistake
         My grandma doesn’t want me
         My mom doesn’t want me
         It hurts not to be wanted by the ones you love. It sucks.
         I guess that saying “love sucks” is true.
         But hey no one said life was going to be easy, and it
         certainly isn’t easy.
         Life’s hard to live. I’m tired of repeating the same mistakes
         over and over.
                                                      -Karina, Alameda        Here To End
    From The Beat: These separations sound incredibly painful, and we are          Life is good, life is cruel
    sorry for all the sadness you must feel right now. But there is a ray          Hanging out with my friends playing pool
    of hope in this piece, which is when you say “I’m tired of repeating
    the same mistakes over and over.” Because that is something you can            Never thought we would get caught
    control yourself. What are some mistakes you’d like to stop making?            Came up on us and we got caught
                                                                                   Went to jail got put in a cell
                                                                                   Doing some time
                                                                                   Waiting on the court
    Can’t Imagine                                                                  Talking about giving me four
    I cannot imagine being a father. Not having one, I do not see                  Friends asking me what I did
    myself ever being one. You see the people on TV with a family,                 So I told them what I did
    a house, a car, and other things that seem so simple, but                      Now I’m in my cell suffering
    impossible to imagine. Things like having a good job telling my                Contemplating about my case
    kids goodnight, every night in their own rooms with their own                  I just started this race
    beds.                                                                          End it to the end
          I cannot ever see myself not struggling just to get up in                Never going to get out
    the morning. I feel I will always be just another Mexican whose                Only way out is in a box
    parents came here from Mexico. Living day by day, wondering                    Run up on me going to get pain
    is this as good as it gets, is this all I will ever know? I cannot             End up in the hospital with a broken jaw
    imagine ever caring for my father.                                             Now I got a big bill
          He is probably not the worst person in the world, but I                  Just going to go and eat medicine
    never seemed to like him or even love. He was that stranger that               Going to escape reality that’s how I feel
    picked me up from time to time as I was growing up. He was                     Worrying about court all the time
    never there for me, mostly because he was in jail. For as long as              Witnesses came to court and discussed
    I can remember, I called him the stranger that told me he loved                Now I’m doing time for my crime
    me.                                                                            Went to the pen and saw my friends
          I can imagine one day being done with this, done with court,             Started putting me up on game
    and probation. Finishing school. I can imagine trying to do all                Then he looked at me in shame
    that I cannot imagine so that one day my kids can imagine what                 Said he through this was the last place we would
    it is like to have a father. So really, it is not that I cannot imagine        See and now I’m here to the end
    it is just hard to imagine.                                                    Finish line’s coming up fast
                                                            -Danny, Fresno         Crossed the finish line never
    From The Beat: It hasn’t been easy for you but we hope you always keep
    your head held high. It might be hard to imagine that things will get          Thought that I would win and that is the end
    better, but keep pushing forward in life, and when you’re done, you                                                       -Daniel, Fresno
    won’t have to imagine anymore because you’ll be able to live out the      From The Beat: You can still win if you don’t lose hope. The end can also
    good things you want for yourself. Good luck!                             be a new beginning.



thebeatwithin.org   Volume 16.12/13                                                                                                           Page 15
                                              co-pieces of the week
  The Barrio
  I'm actually proud of being from the barrio because it has made
  me realize who I am and what I'm capable of doing. I'm not
  ashamed of living in the barrio because that's where I have all
  my friends. What defines the barrio is all the gangbanging.
        The barrio makes me feel like I'm at home because, well
  like I said, that's where all my friends are. I'm from the barrio
  because of gangs. But if I continue what I'm doing, I see my
  future being locked up all the time in Juvy or in prison, and I
  don't really want all this to be like that.
        I sometimes see myself in the future as a Marine or a cop
  because that's my goal. But my future isn't going that good so
  far. I'm in Juvy right now, and I'm hoping and looking forward to
  actually changing my life around and accomplishing my dreams
  and goals.
                                                     –Raul, Fresno
  From The Beat: In order to accomplish your dreams and goals, does that
  mean you’ll have to leave the barrio? Or just the barrio mindset? What
  does it take to make it out?




  The Ghetto Is My Home
  The ghetto in my eyes is like part of a city that is very poor or
  not good looking and is different from the rest of the city. A
  lot of people see it as more of a home than being at your real
  home so you stay in the streets all night. Some people also think
  the ghetto is not a good place to be at, but to me I live at the
  ghetto and it’s my second home. And it has my other family in
  the streets.
       A lot of stuff happens in the ghetto such as shootings,
  stabbings, and killings plus nowadays people die in the ghetto
  mostly every day. But everyone sees the ghetto through their
  own eyes. I see it as a second home. Also a lot of celebrities
  come from the ghetto and they made it and became big stars
  such as Tupac.                                                           My Experience Under The Influence
       Things happen in the ghetto like when my two friends and I          A few months back, I was kicking it at my house with some of
  were chillin’ at my house and then out of nowhere police officers        my boys, just drinking, smoking, and living the life as many of
  came at gunpoint in front of my house. Then they took my older           us young teenagers do. There was one beer left for us, and we
  homie to county for no reason that day. I’m glad I didn’t get            all know how that goes. One drink after another, and before I
  arrested that day either but now I’m here. Soon I’ll be back in          know it, I'm behind the wheel of my mom's car, driving to the
  the ghetto.                                                              store to get some munches, as we pot heads say. Well, I was on
                                                    -Angel, Fresno         the intersections waiting for the red light to turn green, and I
  From The Beat: Thanks for sharing a different perspective on the
  ghetto. You remind us that the ghetto, although can be negative, is      remember the radio slapping as loud as it could go.
  also a place that many people proudly call home and where they can            All I could hear was a song by Chris Brown. The light turned
  feel a sense of community.
                                                                           green and I started to rev the engine. I just floored the gas and
                                                                           I was feeling the energy through my veins. I came through to a
                                                                           light turning yellow, and I was going at least 85 to 100 miles per
                                                                           hour. I thought that I could make it going at the speed.
  Advice To Youngstas                                                           Before I know it, we were halfway up the hill. I felt as if I
  Go to school! Don’t do drugs, but if you do, jus’ know when to           couldn't move for a quick second, then the car came down and
  do them and how to do them. Be responsible about it. School              it was stuck on the dirt curb. My three friends and I got out
  comes first. If you’re handling your shhh, then no one can stop          and we were like what just happened? A million things were
  you. When you do drugs, make sure you do the drug, don’t let             going through my head. I went home to tell my mom what had
  the drug do you! Meaning, don’t let them control you. If you feel        happened.
  you’re doing it too much, then stop. Take a break or, better yet,             We went back to the scene and there were already cops on
  jus’ quit altogether. I’m not tellin’ y’all to do drugs, but the truth   the scene. Before I knew it, I was sitting in the back of the cop's
  is, you most likely will one time or another, so jus’ be smart           car. That’s the story of my wild ride.
  about it.                                                                                                                  –Sergio, Fresno
                                       -Tone Capone, San Francisco         From The Beat: It’s a good thing no one got hurt, but the situation could
  From The Beat: Realistically, many youngstas do experiment with drugs,   have led to devastating results. One driver under the influence puts
  but some become so addicted, they get scared they can’t quit, and some   everyone at risk. What have you learned from this experience that you
  never do. Why not also advise, “Don’t even start taking drugs?”          could share with other young people?



Page 16                                                                                                     Volume 16.12/13 thebeatwithin.org
        nd
stan d o u t s
staCounty o u t s
Alameda
                                                                                                            thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                     Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                           Page 17



Me, Myself, and I                                                              Dedication to my brother, Yeyo
What’s up with The Beat? It’s young Cece. I know I’m still in this             One hard goodbye for me was when my brother Yeyo left to Rita
thang, but I’m gonna be gone in a minute feel me. Today I want to              (County Jail). We was both in the same unit but he was an adult
talk about just me. I’m beautiful, pretty, sexy. I’m very outgoing             remand. So when his birthday came, he left in the morning. I’m
smart and very creative when I put my mind to it. I like to dress              not gonna lie I cried when I said my goodbyes and gave him a hug
hella cute every day, and keep my hair done 24/7. I really like to be          cause I know is gonna be a while until I see him again. I got to do
independent in whatever I do. I mostly like everything perfect on              my time still at the “Y” and by the time I get out he’ll still be in the
me or whatever I do. I’m very sociable with people, and I’m mostly             Penn… I was with him every day on the outs before he left. I could
caring to people. I like to help people with whatever I can. And last          really trust him, talk to him about anything and I know he’ll have
but not least, I’m loving.                                                     my back. I just always remember all the memories with him. When
                                                               -Cece           I got kicked out he gave me a place to stay. When I was hungry,
From The Beat: Yes, it is a wonderful thing to be smart, and to help other     he fed me. If I needed a ride or was in trouble, I could go to him.
people. You feel like it’s important to look good on the outside – cute
outfits, being sexy, having good hair, etc..? How important is that to you?    I miss him. Is really messed up when I think about how I’ll still
Are there people in your life that love you no matter how you look, no         be young when I’m out and he’s gonna be old. As soon as I get off
matter what you wear?
                                                                               parole Imma go see him. He was the one person who never asked
                                                                               me to do something in the wrong.
                                                                                                                                              - Carlos
Say Goodbye                                                                    From The Beat: Thank you for sharing with us this piece about your
                                                                               brother, Carlos. Do you have any other people in your life who have
What’s up Beat dis Lil Jay-Jay again. I’m finna be getting out of              influenced you the way your brother has? How do you think you could
                                                                               repay him (Do you think you could ever repay him)?
here tomorrow. I’m finally going to ROP, it felt like I was never
gonna go but I’m feelin this topic and I’m gonna write about it.
When one of my closest friends died I never got the chance to say
good-bye because I was in jail. This was one of the saddest days
of my life. I stayed in my room the whole day and when I was out I
                                                                               I Am Excited To Become A Mother
                                                                               When I first found out I was pregnant I was already 9 weeks, I really
had very little to say. But fosho I miss him. Rest in Paradise Love.
                                                                               want a boy, but I would also be OK if I had a little girl. I already
                                                       - Lil Jay-Jay
From The Beat: Good luck with everything and thank you fur sharing             picked out a name for my baby if it’s a boy.
so many pieces with us, Lil Jay-Jay. Are you happy that you’re one step             I’m really excited to become a mother... I know I’m young, but
closer to freedom?  What will you do to keep yourself from becoming
incarcerated again? Keep on writing and please keep us updated about
                                                                               what does age have to do with it? My first baby has already made
yourself!                                                                      changes in my life. The changes that I have made so far is I don’t
                                                                               run the streets like I used to. Getting up, going to appointments
                                                                               that on a regular basis I would not do. My baby has to be a big
                                                                               change and inspiration in my life, and I feel thankful for that. I
My Boyfriend Is Something Special                                              hope everyone else do too.
So I have a boyfriend and he is something special! I can’t imagine                                                                          -Jaklia
myself with anybody else, real talk. The way we met was funny,                 From The Beat: You are already making changes, and that’s great. Are you
                                                                               also seeking out support groups for teenaged mothers, to get info on
considering I had just got out of kind of a serious relationship with          work, parenting classes, and all the things that can help you make sure
one of his close friends.                                                      your child has the best life he or she can? If not, it’s not too late to start…
                                                                               the more help you get, the easier it will be, for you and your baby!
     We met at a kick back, and since we started talking, I already
could tell we was koo’. We started talking and I could tell he was
feeling me! Well finally on February 19th, I decided to give him a
chance, and I told him not to make me regret it!
     I messed up, got caught up and then got locked up, and I                  See You Later
thought that was going to break us up but when I talked to him he                   Say goodbye
showed me that he was really down for me and that he was going                      to my big bro John.
to wait for me, the minute I found out that to be true I knew what                  You looked out for me u keep me
we had was true! And what we had was love…                                          safe you let no one come to my face
                                                              -Nicole               but know you gone without no goodbye
From The Beat: We hope this relationship lasts and that this new boyfriend          now all I can do is tell no one to cry
continues to treat you the way you deserve: Well! Is he a positive influence        you’re in a safe place just wait for me
in your life in other ways, meaning do you think he will help you stay out
of trouble, stay out of illegal activities, and out of the system?                  but till then look over me.
                                                                                                                                                  - Darrion
                                                                               From The Beat: What a great way to honor and remember a brother – that
                                                                               was a very heartfelt poem and we appreciate it. Do you play this type
                                                                               of role for someone in your life, as well? If so, what do you do for them?
I’m Special
I could never imagine myself working a regular 9 to 5 job like the
average American. The reason why is because I don’t look at myself
as average. I feel like I’m special, a one of a kind, a rare specimen.         I Miss My Mom
They don’t make people like me anymore. I refuse to work hard for              I miss my mom since the day she died. I love her too much, and I
someone else for little to nothing, living paycheck to paycheck,               hate that she passed away. She told me “One day, if you keep doing
struggling. I want to own my own beauty salon.                                 the same thing, it’s going to affect you later on in life.”
                                                               -Monica                                                               -Young Mainey
From The Beat: It is a great idea to decide you want to own your own           From The Beat: Your mother sounds like a wise woman. We are sorry that
business! There are many legit ways to reach that goal. … Start off            she is gone, but it’s good that you had her with you long enough to receive
working at a salon to learn skills? Take classes at a beauty school? Study     some of her knowledge about the world. What other advice did she have
accounting or management?                                                      for you?
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 18
                                                      sta n d o ut s ts
                                                      sta n d o u County
                                                             Alameda
Not Just Puppy Love                                                            My Last Day With My Parents
Saying goodbye is the hardest thing. I had to say goodbye to my                Well I had to say good-bye to my parents, the reason why was
boyfriend before I came here and it isn’t something easy or simple.            because there were a lot of problems between us, and mostly
Things got complicated for me and him. He’s like my best friend.               because I didn’t want to follow directions.
No, he’s more than that – he’s the love of my life.                                 I never thought saying goodbye to the only two parents that I
     And I know you might say, oh it’s just puppy love. No, I’ve never         have was going to be so hard. Now that we can’t be together, I feel
thought I could feel this way about someone. I never thought it, but           very sad, and sometimes I can’t believe that they were both sitting
here he is in my life. He’s the first guy that actually understands            in front of court fighting -- it really makes me regret the last day we
me and accepts me for who I am, and is here for me and can treat a             were together.
girl with respect. He is my love and my everything, and no one will                 It was horrible. There was a lot of screaming and arguments.
ever replace him, no matter where I may go in the world.                       I wish I could go back to that night and change what happened,
                                                                  -Kb          but I can’t. I guess my parents didn’t understand how I felt, and
From The Beat: It’s true, some people do meet the loves of their lives when    weren’t able to take care of a teenager, but now I just have to keep
they are in their teens. Our big question is whether you think this new
boyfriend can support you to succeed in life? Is he your age? Is he a person   on moving on with my life and try to be a better teen with my new
who works and goes to school, who follows the law, who encourages you          family that I’m going to go with. And I’m willing to change for my
to do right?
                                                                               parents because want one day I want to see them again.
                                                                                                                                             -Letticia
                                                                               From The Beat: Being separated from the two people who raised you must
                                                                               be very hard. But now do you think maybe you will be able to focus on
Running From Cops                                                              getting stronger in yourself, away from all the screaming and arguments?
                                                                               And then when you do see them again, it can be a happier reunion?
     I remember when I broke from the cops
     Me, my cousins and my patnas was hot
     Ran in this house, went from the car lot
     It was big didn’t come up on a lot                                        A Painful Story
     My cousin so high off the pot                                             It started back in the day when I was seven. I would always do
     When we found the pills, jewelry and the glock                            stunts on bikes, but after what happened to me, I thought I should
     Walked back up the parking lot                                            have been scared. It was me, my stepbrother and a couple of his
     Seen 5.0 my heart just stop                                               friends, and on e of his friends had a bike so I took it and I went for
     All I remember “Put yo’ hands up it’s the cops”                           a jump over a ditch filled with rocks. The bike flew out from under
     We all hit the gate                                                       me, I flew into the ditch, and man, I thought I was done. I thought
     Police grab my hoodie I escaped                                           I was dead.
     But they still chasing us                                                      It was the most painful shhh of my life. I ended up breaking
     Hiding in someone back yard tryna find my way                             both of my arms and both of my legs.
     Someone told I’m in they backyard I ran into                                                                                             -Dontay
     a whole army all I heard “stop before                                     From The Beat: Wow, that must have been terrifying! How much time did
                                                                               you have to spend in the hospital? Do you remember much about what it
     I blast.”                                                                 was like waiting for your arms heal? We are very grateful that you are
                                                                -Mar-Mar       here today to tell the story.
From The Beat: What happened next? Did you stop or keep running? Do
you feel like you’re still being chased, even while you’re behind bars?



                                                                               Goodbye Without Knowing
Giving Me Another Chance                                                       I made up my mind in here that my last good-bye to my babydaddy
I’m going to write about me having a new judge.                                was the day we both got arrested.
     Well I got a new judge, he hella koo’. My old judge was trying                 I always knew in my heart that I loved him and the baby
to send me to Arizona. But since they switched my judge, and my                I'm holding in my stomach right now! But all the shhh I've been
new judge is giving me a chance to go home on GPS. I’m happy to                through for him made me think in here.
go home back to my family, but at the same time I’m sad because                     I made up my mind two days ago that that day in February was
my parents ain’t here. They got deported back to Tonga. Well my                the last time I was to speak to him. So his cries and screaming,
sister got legal guardian over me so I’m getting released to her.              “Jennifer” were the last time, I promised myself, to hear his voice.
                                                             -Moala                                                                      -Jennifer
For The Beat: We are sorry to hear that your parents will be so far away!      From The Beat: You have made a very hard decision. Congratulations.
But still, congratulations on the other good news, and maybe you will          Sometimes love isn't enough. How will you make sure to stay away from
get a chance to visit them soon, if everything goes well living with your      him? How will you make sure that any future boyfriend will treat you and
sister. Peace!                                                                 your baby right?




Saying Goodbye To Freddy                                                       Dear Mama
One of my close friends had got killed, and I was just with him the            My pain is starting to settle. I feel I want to be here. I feel safe next
day before he got shot. I never got to say good-bye to him. But a few          to you, but I still don't know what to do when I'm with you.
days after that, I had a dream that he came back to me and he told                  I stay pushing toward you but you stay pushing away. I think
me he was okay, and he was safe and he was in heaven.                          this is the only way you know how to love, but please try to help
                                                             -Monica           me realize the difference between your love and my pain.
From The Beat: Sometimes our dreams can give us the comfort we need                                                                         -Lil' Mama
deep down. We hope this one took away from some of the pain you must           From The Beat: It's great that you are trying so hard with your mother and
be feeling. Do you ever worry about something like that happening to           not giving up. Have you not always lived with her? When you say, “I want
you as well?                                                                   to be here,” do you mean in the Hall or with your mother?
        nd
stan d o u t s
staCounty o u t s
Alameda
                                                                                                         thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                  Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                       Page 19



Saying “Goodbye Guns”                                                        I Don’t Want
     Gone for good
        The rush they give you.                                              My Lil’ Sister To End Up Here
     Never coming back                                                       I really want to change when I get out of here, because I really
        I will never see you again                                           don’t want to come back to Juvenile Hall. I mean the 9 days I been
     They make you feel protected                                            here has really been a life experience for me. I mean I’m so serious
        Part of my heart is now gone                                         about not coming back. I’m going to stop doing all the things I
     The shiny look of it                                                    was doing before, and even stop hanging out with the people that’s
        You're never gone, come back                                         going to bring me down.
     That's my best friend                                                        I also want to change for other people. The main person I want
        But your memory will never leave                                     to change is my lil ‘ sister because I really don’t want her to end
     I am always thinking of you                                             up here, because I really be hurt. So before she end up in here, I
        And it never lets you down                                           want to talk to her because I love her too much to see her end up
     I will see you when I get there.                                        in here.
                                                                      -Jg                                                                  -Coco
From The Beat: Sounds like you are conflicted. Do guns really protect        From The Beat: The first step to changing the habits that end up hurting
you or just make you feel protected? You don't say why you want to say       you is deciding you want to do it, for real. Sounds like you’ve done that –
goodbye to guns, though we can guess. How many people have you lost          and now for Step 2: Cutting off some people that could hold you back. Do
because of guns?                                                             you think that will be difficult? Do you have other, more positive friends
                                                                             you could spend time with?



I Remember
     I remember when I was young and had no worries.                         My Raza (Ghetto)
     My grandma use to make us oatmeal and tell us stories.                  When they say “That’s ghetto” they’re sayen it’s un-normal from
     When my grandma died I cried and couldn’t stop.                         what people do that don’t live in a raza like Oakland. My raza
     It’s like half of my heart was gone, it got chopped.                    (hood) is ghetto. And I say that because stuff that happens here
     Then after that things started to get harder and harder.                doesn’t normally happen in Caucasian populated cities. I don’t
     It’s like I was trying to get a fresh cut but couldn’t find a           really consider myself ghetto, I just think of my self as a product
     barber.                                                                 of my environment. I grew up in a hood where death, drugs and
     My mama started trippin’ getting all these crazy boyfriends,            violence are nothing new to me. I’m not surprised when someone
     Hitting all on my mom like they were men.                               is killed, robbed or a drug addict because I see it so often. I wasn’t
     I was mad, I had a knife, I was ready for him to do it again.           really influenced by this stuff. I just liked stuff like that stuff for
     When I was little my mama was always there for me and I was
                                                                             some reason. I am not ashamed at all of where I live.
     ready to defend.
                                                                                                                                             -Angel
     But it’s good she dumped him, he got drugged out and                    From The Beat: You say you weren’t influenced by the ghetto, but then
     eventually went to the pen.                                             you say that you see things like murders, robberies and drug addicts so
     But she still with the crazy boy friends I don’t understand.            often that you’re used to it. Isn’t that being influenced? But, you certainly
                                                                             shouldn’t be ashamed – it has made you the person you are today. If you
     I just can’t wait till’ she come across a real man.                     came from a different background and lived in a different place, you
                                                                 -Larry      wouldn’t be the same person you are now.
From The Beat: Family is obviously very important to you. Do you talk to
your mother about who she brings into her life? Are you able to be honest
with her about her choices? Is there any way to prevent violence and

                                                                             Just The Surface
domestic abuse without acting in a violent way yourself?

                                                                                  I
The Ghetto is a Role Model                                                        Good-bye, our time is up
                                                                                  It kills me to let you go
When I hear the word ghetto I think of people that don’t have much
                                                                                  But I have to break this hold
class and respect. I feel like the ghetto is where people come from
                                                                                  Goodbye to all the good and bad
and what people represent in life because people don’t have role
                                                                                  Times. Goodbye to all the
models and self-discipline. So the ghetto is their role model and
                                                                                  Tears I shed at night
the strets and drugs is where everybody’s at. The ghetto teaches
                                                                                  Goodbye to all the pain you caused me.
people negative knowledge. Like not going to school, not doin’
                                                                                  Goodbye to the old me
right in life.
                                                                                  Hello to the new me
     Ghetto is not a person it’s people in the ghetto who turn
the ghetto out. That’s why lot’s of kids of all races don’t succeed
                                                                                  II
because they wanna ride rims and get high, etc. It’s not how you fix
                                                                                  The old me would
everything, the people just have to fix their self and make changes.
                                                                                  Stay out at night
There’s always a positive aspect in the ghetto, also is positive
                                                                                  Dancing through the streets
people in the ghetto who want to do right and mentor kids and
                                                                                  Drinking and smoking
older people to do right in life.
                                                                                  I was known as “Lil' let me hit that”
                                                             -Arthur
From The Beat: You bring up a lot of interesting issues and questions. On         The new me sits at home
the one hand, it sounds like you’re saying the ghetto teaches people to           With my baby, watching her
dream for the wrong things – the shiniest rims or the best weed; but this
same ghetto is home to kids and elders who see a different possibility, a         Grow with every second
life of positive self-improvement. Do you think the environment of the                                                                - Lady Fweather
ghetto can be so overpowering that people lose sight of themselves? If all   From The Beat: Sounds like you are making some hard decisions and good
you see in the ghetto is people not doing right, how can you constantly      changes. What's going to be hardest about these changes? What else will
remind yourself to be the exception?                                         you be doing to raise and support your daughter?
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 20
                                                     sta n d o ut s ts
                                                     sta n d o u County
                                                            Alameda
Saying Goodbye is the Hardest Thing
Saying goodbye to my granny was the hardest thing to me. Because             Hella Disappointed
she was the rock of the family. She died and my whole family went            I'm feeling disappointed just all around. It's like disappointment is
downhill. Meaning, when she was alive, the family was happy and              all I've been feeling lately.
then when she died my family was devastated.                                       Disappointment in myself. Disappointment in the people that
    My cousins started doing stuff they would never do, like                 are supposed to be there for me. I can't remember the last time I
prostitution. And then my auntie got on crack and I started selling          was happy.
crack. Then my little cousins started going to jail.                               I miss being happy. I miss feeling at peace.
    Everything was just all bad. And it has never been the same                                                                           -Amaris
                                                                             From The Beat: What makes you happy? What are you disappointed in
since she left us.                                                           about yourself? What can you do to change that? What's the first, easiest,
    RIP my granny.                                                           thing that would make you proud of yourself? What kind of support do
                                                                             you need?
                                                     -Twonnie Bo
From The Beat: We are sorry you lost your granny. Why do you think
her loss had such a big effect on the family? How did she hold you all
together? Is that something you think you will be able to do when you
have kids/grandkids?
                                                                             Response to "From The Beat:"
                                                                             in 16.07 p.18
                                                                             Hey Beat, this is De'Angelo, aka Anlo. I'm responding to what you
What I See in the Ghetto                                                     said about what I wrote about my best friend, aka brother Quis.
The ghetto is full of crack-heads an’ hoochie mamas and Toyota               Mobbin' for him doesn't help, but it seems right to express and
Camry’s and old school Volvos. Section eight houses are all around           show they took the wrong one.
the ghetto, low income family are on every street you turn on.                   If there were more people interacting with us "youth,” telling
                                                            -Bobby           us and showing us what's right, it would be different.
From The Beat: Do you think the ghetto would still exist if the people
there were wealthy? Is the ghetto simply a result of poverty? Could the      Signing out,
ghetto itself be a cause of the poverty that dominates it?                                                                               -Anlo
                                                                             From The Beat: Thanks for responding to us! But who are you showing that
                                                                             they took the wrong one by mobbin'? Doesn't it have to stop somewhere?
                                                                             How would you like people to interact more with youth? Does The Beat

Feelin’ Lost
                                                                             help in this way? Do you need more youth programs in your neighborhood?
                                                                             What kind? Do you think giving parents more support would help, so they
                                                                             could be better role models? Give us your concrete ideas. Can you show
What's up Beat, I'm still in here. Shhh is really getting sick. I don't      younger kids what's right? We think young men like you could make a
know what to do. I’m gonna just wait it out and see what happens.            profound positive impact in your neighborhood.
     But man, I just can’t wait to see my ninjas. When I get out I
don’t know what I'm gonna do. I just feel lost right now, but I got a
lot of time on my head, so I'm gonna make a plan so I won’t be lost
out there.                                                                   Ghetto is a Degrading Term
                                                              -Daboo         Ghetto to me is a degrading term. I think that the term is degrading
From The Beat: You do know what to do: make a plan. Take it step by          because it says it of low-profit people and homes. Ghetto is a term
step, but try to think out the steps now that you have the time. What do
you want to achieve? How can you stay free? Tell us a little more of your    for low income houses, people use it in a way that it is not suppose
thinking, your fears, and your hopes.                                        to be used. That’s just what I think though, I could probably be
                                                                             wrong, but that my opinion.
                                                                                                                                          -Daylon
                                                                             From The Beat: What do you feel is the proper way for the word “ghetto”
The Ride, A Bad Influence                                                    to be used? Can middle-class people be from the ghetto, or act “ghetto”?

One night, at around 11:00, my friend Sweet-Tooth hits me up on
my phone talking about “Ay let’s ride.” “We on it,” I said. I get
dressed and ask my little brothers if they want to kick it. They said
yea because they like hanging out with me. We get out from the
                                                                             Saying Good-Bye
window and meet Sweet-Tooth down the block. We drive around,                 Is The Hardest Thing
race a few cars, and go to his house. When we get there, we blast            When one of my good friends died and I went to the wake and I couldn’t
the music up and start rollin’ up chops. We start smokin’ about              look at him without getting a chill down my whole body. The whole time
four blunts and the cars full of smoke. We’re sappin “Laid Back              I was there I was thinking of what I was going to tell him, about how
Slap” by Husalah and B-Luv (which is made for listening to when              thankful I am for the times I wouldn’t have had a place to sleep and
you’re high). My brothers are stupid lit. So am I and S.T. He starts         for the food you would make late at night with a lot of different kinds
moving the steering wheel (we’re parked in his drive-way still) and          of things, damn that was some funny times. I also wanted to tell him
my brothers are like “Where are we going?” Me and Sweet-Tooth                sorry for the times I got mad at him and wanted to fight him. I realized
start laughing. We were so high! Now I realize that my influence on          that I was immature for trying to fight for no good reason at all. When
my brothers was wrong and I should’ve been a better role model.              it was time to go, I walked over to him and tried to say good-bye but
                                                                             I kept quiet! I couldn’t help myself to say it, I just couldn’t. I wanted
I tell my little brothers to be the best they can and do good in
                                                                             him to know how I felt, how guilty. I said good-bye because I knew I
school. And I regret ever having that bad influence on my family.
                                                                             couldn’t ever say it again and look at him but that good-bye wasn’t the
                                                       -Anonymous
From The Beat: We like the picture you’ve painted with your words – from     one I wanted to say.
where you were at to what song you were listening to, these are all great                                                                         -C.J.
details that help the reader get a better image of your story. Even though   From The Beat: Thank you for this honest piece and the details about the
you might’ve made a mistake or two in the past with how you’ve acted         range of emotions you were feeling – from reminiscing about good times
around your younger brothers, it’s not too late to become a better role      to feeling guilty over fighting over trivial things. We are sorry about your
model. Have you done anything with your siblings that teaches them the       loss, but hope it has helped you learn to express your feelings before it is
right things to do?                                                          too late to express them.
        nd
stan d o u t s
staCounty o u t s
Alameda
                                                                                                         thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                 Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                      Page 21



Respect and LEARN                                                             Put The Wrong Behind Me
                                                                              My name is Lil' Kev. I have been here for three months. I have a
     If you knew the truth?
                                                                              little girl; she means the world to me. Her mom, I really love her
     What would you do about it?
                                                                              with my soul. I can’t wait to get out and see them.
     If you found out money is equivalent to evil would you still
                                                                                    I have done a lot of wrong, but I have put that behind me. Hey,
     idolize it?
                                                                              my brother and sisters, stop going to jail. Because it’s not cool at
     If what you believed in was proven way wrong what would
                                                                              all. They say it’s a white man’s game, but it’s not, because we are
     you feel?
                                                                              the ones in jail. Having our family pay for this when they can have
     I have survived many battles and earned unimaginable pain
                                                                              something to pay like rent. If you read this, you will know why it is
     from what I’ve learned.
                                                                              more jails than school.
     Do what’s right and get educated to help the truth be what
                                                                                    Just do good.
     you want! Jah bless, Respect.
                                                                                                                                          -Lil' Kev
                                                          -Lil' Etu           From The Beat: You are right, it's not the white man in jail, at least not
From The Beat: Can you tell us more about what you've learned? What           at the Alameda County facility, with a couple of exceptions. Why do you
did you believe that was proven wrong? Tell us more so we can learn from      think that is? We agree you should just focus on what you need to do to
your lessons.                                                                 for yourself and your family. But what can you do to change things so
                                                                              fewer young men of color go to jail?



The Word “Ghetto”
When they say the word ghetto, they talking about loud-mouth                  Where I Grew Up Is Not Me
lady fighting, drugs being sold, robberies on the scene and people            I don't take my homeland as the ghetto because that is my home.
getting killed every day – now that ghetto. It’s a lot of ways to say         I love that I was able to be raised to live even if the homeplace is
what’s the word ghetto mean, but this my way.                                 ghetto. I can say I made it out.
                                                             -L.R.G.               I can't imagine me following in somebody else's footsteps and
From The Beat: Do you consider yourself to be from the ghetto? Do you         not taking care of my responsibilities. I also can't see myself not
think the ghetto is a product of the people that live there or are the
people who live there a product of their environment?                         succeeding, after all my work. I wouldn't want anyone thinking the
                                                                              way I grew up and where I grew up is me because they call it the
                                                                              “ghetto.”
                                                                                                                                       -Charlquilla
’69 Impala                                                                    From The Beat: What do you call “succeeding” for yourself? Tell us more
                                                                              about all the work you've done. What things do you like about where you
My car would have to be a ’69 Impala, big body! Candy apple red,              grew up?
drop-top, 20’s on it (anything else kills the old schools), crème
leather seats, two 15” kickers, six 6x9’s in the car, grill speakers!
Engine suped up, hella horse power!
                                                        -Lil Chucky
                                                                              I Miss My Bro
From The Beat: Do you think this is just a dream car or do you see yourself        I never wanted to say goodbye.
becoming successful enough to own one like it some day?                            I miss your smile,
                                                                                   I miss your crazy self dancing everywhere.
                                                                                   I miss your pretty white teeth and dreads.
                                                                                   I miss you always yelling at the top of your lungs “Wassup
Unknown Future                                                                     Sis?”
I think of it like this: if everybody who is a crackhead today saw                 I miss you, seeing your face.
themselves becoming one when they were a teenager they would                       I miss seeing you throw up that nine.
have made different decisions. To a certain degree, circumstances                  I miss seeing you smoke 'ports and hitting the 'dro.
shape who we are. It also determines how we interpret, interact                    I miss my bro' J.R.
and act upon the subconscious thoughts that lead us through                        RIP J.R.
our lives. The more you play ignorant to the outcome of your                                                                      -Purple Royalty
actions the more unknown your future will be. So I imagine myself             From The Beat: We're sorry you lost your brother. How did he die? Was
succeeding, but if I ignore my faults I can also view a glimpse of            there any connection with him “throwing up that nine?” We appreciate
                                                                              your telling us a bit about what he was like.
failure in my future.
                                                              -C.J.
From The Beat: You have a powerful command of language and your choice
of words is excellent. What you say is true – we must be aware and able
to admit our mistakes, but also need to recognize the consequences of our     Beautiful She
actions. If we go through life without admitting our mistakes, how can we          She makes the sun shine in the morning
ever learn from them? The first step is acknowledging how our actions are
affecting our own lives and the lives of those around us.                          She also makes the moon shine at night
                                                                                   When I feel down, she gives me a smile so bright
                                                                                   With her long hair and beautiful eyes
                                                                                   It’s hard to tell her a lie
RIP                                                                                So I write to say what’s on my mind.
That one day you was looking away, I was I could have seen you                     I will stand up, be a man, and you a beautiful woman
that one last day. Things ain’t been the same since you left. I been               To say what’s hard to say in this situation
through it with so much stress. Every time I get a blessing I think                I hope you understand how I feel
about you, because all the things from the past you used to do.                    I give you my heart to heal.
                                                          - Earl M.                                                                   -Lil' Nunu
From the Beat: In what ways do you remember your friend? What made            From The Beat: This is beautiful. What are you going to do to make sure
your friend such a great person? Share with us.                               you gain your freedom and aren't separated from her again?
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 22
                                                       sta n d o ut s ts
                                                       sta n d o u County
                                                              Alameda
Still Got Time                                                                  Sayin’ Bye
Wuz gewd Beat diz Niko up in Alameda County Juvenile Hall, hella                Say’n bye is never easy. I had to say bye to a lot of people in my
bored. Damn it’s da same shhh different day. Man I wish I was free              life time. A really important person I had to say bye to was my
again. You never know what gud things you got till you lose it.                 brother Bert. That was a time when I never wanted to say bye to
Damn it sucks being locked up. You’re always being told what to                 somebody. Just seeing his body in that casket was breath-taking.
do and when to do it. It sucks. Damn I got a messed up case. They               I would never thought they would take my brother away. I never
are tryna charge me with attempted murder, but it was really self-              wanted him to leave my life, family – this world, to be exact. But I
defense. If I go to C.Y.A. for a couple years I’m fina come out beasty.         would see him some day in the future.
But if I get out any time soon I’m finna go back to school and try to                 I just really hate the way he left this earth, an unnatural death.
graduate on time. I’m only fifteen so I still got my whole life ahead           He died of Leukemia, a type of cancer. When he died in Highland it
of me. So I hope they will let me out soon so I can get my life back            looked nothing like him – lost his hair, no body weight, can’t even
on track and help my family out.                                                move. The worst day of his life and family life. But rest in paradise
                                                                 -Niko          Bert. I love you big bro. I pray for you every day and hope to see you
From The Beat: It’s never too late to turn your life around, but you’re lucky   soon.
enough to have the opportunity to do so while still at a young age. We
hope you get a second chance and make the most of it – you owe it to                                                                           -Daylon
your family, but more importantly to yourself, to give yourself the best        From The Beat: We’re sorry about your brother. Watching someone go
opportunities to succeed.                                                       through the pain and struggle of cancer is not easy, especially when, like
                                                                                you say, the cancer changes the way they look and how we remember
                                                                                them. Did you get the chance to tell your brother what he meant to you,
                                                                                to say good-bye the way you wanted to say it?

The Things I Hate to Hear the Most
     The things I hate to hear the most,
     Makes me burn up inside like toast,                                        Being Told, “No”
     Makes my blood heat up like roast,                                         The thing I hear the most is “No!” Being in Juvenile Hall is most
     Makes my mind sail out the coast.                                          frustrating to me because there are many limits. I can't even make
     I try so hard to just ignore,                                              calls when I want to. Bed time. Blah blah.
     But my fury builds up from the floor.                                           Now, it wouldn't be so bad if you weren't one of those people
     I can’t control what people say,                                           like me, very controlling, usually gets what she wants and in most
     So I let them talk out all the more.                                       situations can talk her way out of anyone who tells her “no.”
     After all, it’s just words,                                                Sitting in a small, cold cell every day and being told when to brush
     Racist comments, ignorant slurs,                                           my teeth and all sorts of things. Ugh!
     Wetback, beaner, spic or worse                                                  Alameda Juvenile Hall will definitely never seem me again
     I don’t care about what they curse!                                        once I'm gone! My job here is done, bye.
                                                                    -David                                                                -Brooklyn
From The Beat: Some times it’s hard to ignore what people say about us,         From The Beat: How do you think Juvenile Hall should be run? Do you
but it sounds like you are learning to turn the other cheek, a sign that        think they should just let you do what you want when you want? Would
you are maturing. Words only have as much meaning as we give them;              that still be a kind of punishment? Are there people in the Hall who
racial slurs only hurt if we let them hurt and assign more meaning than         need and benefit from the discipline and being told “no?” Did you learn
they deserve.                                                                   anything in the Hall?




No One Does Anything                                                            In This Thang!
About The Ghetto                                                                Hello Beat. I’m in dis and I hate being in Juvenile Hall. I hate to
                                                                                hear the people talking on the walky-talky. I also hate when the
The ghetto to me means slums, the hood, radish-y, dirty, triflin’,
                                                                                staff wakes me up every morning banging on the window. I hate
loud, improper grammar. It is also a stereotype that refers to black
                                                                                to hear the staff telling me what to do. I hate that I have to listen.
people. People are born in the ghetto all the time, but no one does
                                                                                I hate to hear the door click. I hate to hear when the staff say you
anything about those people, or the hood, meaning the ghetto.
                                                                                got five mins in the shower. I also hate in my guts when the staff
    Everyone talks about the ghetto, --- but no one does anything
                                                                                say “On your door!” I hate being in this unit and my room number.
about it.
                                                                                                                                               -Terry
                                                             -Lil PC            From The Beat: Do you think you can use the fact that you hate being in
From The Beat: What kinds of things do you think should be ‘done’ about         the Hall as motivation to stay out? Life should be enjoyed – we hope you
the issues in the ghetto? What can we all do, as a community, to make           can get yours back on track so you can be free and happy.
things better for everyone who lives in our cities and towns?




They Play A Part In My Heart
                                                                                I just really hate the
For me, just temporarily saying goodbye is tough, especially when
I haven’t been around then in a long time. For example I had come               way he left this earth,
                                                                                an unnatural death.
home on a 5 day pass; I was savoring every moment being at home.
I tried even though it was hard to spend a lot of time with each
individual in my family, because they play a part in my heart.
                                                               -Zen
From The Beat: It sounds like you had a really good visit… and got to           He died of Leukemia, a
                                                                                type of cancer.
share meaningful time with the people who love you best, and who mean
the most to you. Do you think these new good memories will help inspire
you to succeed, both here and when you move on?
        nd
stan d o u t s
staCounty o u t s
Alameda
                                                                                                          thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                  Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                       Page 23



Some People Wanna Be Ghetto                                                   The Joyride
I think being ghetto is about people who talk trash, being loud on            I was sitting at my mom’s house, hella drunk. My girlfriend had
the bus and gossiping about each other. Where I’m from I think                broke up with me earlier in the day. It was around 10 a.m., so an
my hood is ghetto because there has been killing and robbery and              idea popped into my head to take my Mom’s Audi-A6. Out I snuck,
stealing going on, and gang-banging and because a young teenager              into her room while she was dead asleep and took the car key off
that was pregnant got shot, and I think ghetto is when girls pick             the keychain.
fights and fight people for no reason.                                             I then quietly left the house, it was in the carport. I started
      There are some people that wanna be ghetto by tryin’ to steal,          the car outside of our apartment, I put on some slap and burned
kill, and end up in jail, and most wannabes don’t have anything so            rubber out the driveway. I was gunnin’ it – hittin’ like 120 down the
they steal, kill and gangbang to get their stress out when they’re            boulevard, straight smashin’. Then I hit the corner and ripped it at
mad or something. And some people from the ghetto don’t deal                  like 25, and then I gunned it again. I was doin’ like 80 and then I
with the ghetto.                                                              seen a BMW. I cut him off and started to profile, then I took off and
                                                                -Ar           got as far away from the Beamer as possible,’cause I just made that
From The Beat: How would a person from the ghetto “not deal with the          spot hot…
ghetto”? Do you mean by staying out of trouble, even when trouble is
around them? How do they do it, and stay out of all the drama? Share               And I profiled for a little longer until I got bored and parked
your knowledge!                                                               the car back at the house. Once I got back in the house, I realized
                                                                              how much trouble I coulda got in if I got blurped. I was heated in
                                                                              the beginning and it made me act out a impulse to go for a joyride.
                                                                              I coulda been locked up for a minute if I got caught.
                                                                                                                                          -Schwenk
                                                                              From The Beat: Great storytelling as always, though we have to admit
                                                                              it’s hard to think about all the ways you could have hurt yourself (or an
                                                                              innocent stranger!) on that ride. You say you acted out on impulse – does
                                                                              that happen a lot, and is that connected to how you ended up in the hall?




                                                                              The Things I Hate
                                                                              The things I hate is when people try to tell me what to do feel me
                                                                              like you know how I’m in jail right now n they always try to tell you
                                                                              what to do like they really know you but they don’t…but I really
                                                                              changed my life being in here ‘cause when I first came to jail the
                                                                              counselors was always getting in my ear about stuff feel me ‘cause
                                                                              I came messing up doing this n doing that I wasn’t used to older
                                                                              counselors telling me what to do ‘cause I came from the street life
Kev I Miss You                                                                n ain’t nobody told me what do to do.
     Damn I couldn’t say goodbye                                                   I really let the counselors words sink in me and realized that
     It’s so hard to let go but we all gotta die.                             they was telling me ‘cause the street life really wasn’t for me n all
     Kev I miss u it seems that it was just too soon.                         I wanna do when I get out is get a job n take care of my family and
     Bro this shhh hurt that’s why I get so                                   b with the wifey feel me be something in life.
     High that it feels that I’m on the moon                                                                                               - Dame
                                                                              From the Beat: Isn’t it crazy how first impressions are not always the right
     At least you found a away out of this concrete jungle                    impressions? Do you have people like the counselors on the outs – people
     Bro I’m trying to pick up my life                                        that encourage you to do right? We love hearing how you’ve had a change
     But I continue to tumble                                                 of heart. Next step: making a plan for yourself!
     Being locked up is holding me down
     It feels like I’m about to drown
     One life…one love…one struggle
                                                          - CeeGay
                                                                              Saying Goodbye
From the Beat: It is a part of being human to die, but do you think it
makes a difference as to when (what part of life) we die at? Keep your        Is The Hardest Thing
hopes up – there is a light at the end of the tunnel here. You still have     They say keep your friend close but your enemies closer, but
plenty of time to make changes in your life that will let you take control.
We believe in you – don’t give up!                                            that is not true. Your friend can as easily take your life as your
                                                                              enemies. This is what happened to my old gee. The last person he
                                                                              expected smacked him. He had kids and another on the way. When
                                                                              they had told me what happened, my high went down. Real life hit
Swagg                                                                         me. The least person I expected to go. This taught me a lesson.
     I’m all about that clean cut, H&M, penciled down swagg,                  That everyone is touchable even if you don’t think you are. Seeing
     That fresh kid picture perfect blind ya’ ass swagg                       my friend in a casket was hard. Tears ran down my face because I
     That if you stare too long you might wanna bite swagg                    didn’t want to say goodbye. This is the hardest thing to do because
     That unbelievably right there’ nothing like Swagg                        you’re not gonna be able to see him anymore. Saying goodbye is
     That she know I’m her type and she matter my rides swagg                 the hardest thing.
     SO! If you ridin’ wit’ me, one isn’t enough, throw it in nine                                                                      - Fat Dan
                                                                              From the Beat: Sometimes it takes really large experiences to teach us
     bags.                                                                    things. We’re sorry to hear about your friend, Dan. But we ask you: would
                                                          -Lil Rondo          you actually consider people “friends” if they could turn on you at any
From The Beat: Good rhymes all the way through, keep them coming and          moment? We believe it’s possible to make great relationships with people
don’t be afraid to step up and write some flows that show your serious        and find true friends. What, in, your opinion, is the best way to figure out
side as well!                                                                 if someone’s a true friend or not?
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 24
                                                      sta n d o ut s ts
                                                      sta n d o u County
                                                             Alameda
The Hood                                                                       A Concussion And A Close Call
See check this out, I was born in the ghetto. Growing up in the
                                                                               Alright Bra. I remember one night I was on my way to a party. I
ghetto is a hard place to live. The streets are bad, people get hurt,
                                                                               was with a group of friends and these two guys we knew in a had a
shot at, people die, people go to jail. You see people on big rims,
                                                                               stolen vehicle and asked us did we want a ride. Unaware that it was
26”s, 24”s, listening to Lil Boosie. If you from somewhere ELSE
                                                                               a stolen vehicle at the time, we said “Yeah!”
you got to be safe ‘cuz people fonking.
                                                                                    So we got in, it was hella people, and soon we got on a main
                                                              -Craig
From The Beat: You describe the streets as “bad”, so are you proud or          street, so we decided to kick a high speed, feel me? We did it but in
ashamed to have been born in the ghetto? It might have been difficult to       the meantime we dropped some people off at the function. Me and
grow up in a place where you see people get shot and killed, but has it
made you a tougher, stronger person?                                           my friend were still in the car. She jumped out while the car was
                                                                               moving, and then we crashed into a pole and flew to the front of the
                                                                               van.
                                                                                    I had a concussion, but I had to get on the bus and BART to
My Oldest Sister                                                               the hospital. Then my Mom came to get me. She had to make sure
At this moment in my life I’m feeling kinda anxious because I have             I didn’t go to sleep ‘cause I could have gone into a coma. That was
court tomorrow, and I’m really ready to be out of here. I’ve been              like a near death experience, and I learned to never get in a car with
here already for a month and some weeks, and really it isn’t fun. I            a non-experienced driver. That’s OUT.
have experienced a lot at the same time.                                                                                                        -Nay
                                                                               From The Beat: Your mom must have been scared that day. It sounds as if
      But I’m also kind of sad because probably I’m going to be                you got some hard-won wisdom out of the experience too… so now that
separated from my oldest sister, and I don’t want to, but people               you know the dangers, who ARE the only people you would now get in
have told me to focus on me and not to worry that sooner or later              a car with?
I will be able to see my sister later on in life, and I’m trying to but
it’s very hard because I’ve always lived with my sister and never in
my life imagined being separated from one of my family members,
especially my oldest sister.
                                                                               Things I Would Do Not To Come Back
                                                                               This is my first time at Juvenile Hall. There are several things that
                                                               -Leticia
From The Beat: That does sound sad. Was she always your closest sister?        I would have to do to not come back. Some of the things are, go
Do you look up to her? Do you think you’ll at least be able to write to each   to all my court dates, stop stealing, follow all directions, and stop
other and see each other, or is this a court-ordered thing?
                                                                               smoking.
                                                                                    Going to my court dates will help me because then I can
                                                                               understand what is gong on. This will help me because if I don’t go
Stressing                                                                      to my court dates, I won’t know if they are trying to detain me or
                                                                               not. This will also show the judge that I’m really willing to change
     S is for being with stupid hoodlums
     T is for trauma that I go through every day                               and that he didn’t make a mistake by letting me go home.
     R is for respond to people with good behavior                                  Stop stealing. This will help me in my types of ways because it
     E is for getting my education                                             helps people trust me more. This is important because I wouldn’t
     S is for sitting lonely in the cell                                       want anyone trying to hide they things from me when I go in they
     S is for stressing                                                        house. Stopping stealing would also help me because I won’t come
     I is for being with ignorant people / people who influence bad            here anymore if I ain’t doin’ nothing wrong.
     things                                                                         Following directions will help me because if I’m listening to
     N is for nature                                                           people’s directions then I will get far in life.
     G is for guidance with young / be a tutor                                                                                                -Coco
                                                                               From The Beat: We’re sorry this piece got cut off, because you there is
                                                                               definitely a lot of smart thinking in it. Everyone knows that they are
     I stress a lot. Hard for me to get on track.                              “supposed” to do this stuff, but you took it one step further, saying not
                                                                               why you’re supposed to do it, but why you WANT to do it, so you can have
                                                                - Manman       the life you want and deserve. That’s a big step, congratulations!
From the Beat: Sounds like you’ve got a lot of key ideas in your poem.
We can see that you’re unhappy with what’s going on in life, but that you
have some idea of how to get yourself to a better place. Education….
being a tutor and guiding others….how will you achieve this? What’s your
plan?
                                                                               I Can’t See Myself In Jail
                                                                               What’s up Beat? I’m gonna write about what I can’t see myself
                                                                               being or doing. I can’t see myself in Santa Rita or Chowchilla. I can
                                                                               already see how miserable I’ll be. It’s already bad enough sitting
                                                                               here up in Alameda County Juvenile Hall. Well what I can see
                                                                               myself doing is getting my 4 year degree of college, having my own
                                                                               little family. I also can see myself working at San Quentin or Santa
                                                                               Rita. Well that’s pretty much it.
                                                                                     But anyway, for right now I’m focusing on myself, tryna get
                                                                               myself together. I’m tryna get off probation by the end of this year.
                                                                               Well I’m just taking it one day at a time. I have court tomorrow, and
                                                                               I’m hoping I get my GPS release.
                                                                                                                                               -Leti
                                                                               From The Beat: It would be great if you could find a way to work with
                                                                               young people who have struggled with the same things you have – you
                                                                               would understand their point of view, and be able to show them a model
                                                                               of success. Keep us posted as you continue to move forward with your
                                                                               life, and good luck!
              do
 sta n County u t s
sta n d o u t s
San Francisco
                                                                                                           thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                    Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                         Page 25



I Hate The Word “No!”                                                           I Hate To Be In That Cold Box
The thing I hate the most, is the word, 'No'. When I hear that word,            What’s up, Beat Within, though? This MD, real name Melvin. I
I get very angry. I do all I can to get around the situation, but when          been in here for a month and a week. I might get out this week,
I’m locked up and the staff play me, it's like these ninjas got they            hopefully. The staff is getting on my nerves, trying to give me time.
favorites, and they know who they are and all that, but for the rest            I hate to be in that cold box, getting room trays. I be mad as hell. I
of us, we end up with a bunch of angry feelings and have mostly no              yell out my door and think and think.
outlet for 'em, at least I do. It's just like right now.                             I miss my dad and my friends, and loved ones. When I get out
     Yeah, The Beat is a healthy way of expressing my feelings,                 I’m going to be on my smoove stuff, you know what I’m sayin’?
but does my shhh ever get in? No. I speak the real, and nothin’                 I know my dad is stressin’ and stuff, but when I get out, I’ma do
happens.                                                                        good, ‘cause you know people in here like myself be mad as hell,
     I just noticed I made The Beat! Right on, y'all, about time!               comin’ in here to do time and stuff.
                                                              -Mophed                The school here be can as hell, but I do it so I can get out this
From The Beat: No matter where you go, somebody plays favorites. When           hellhole. The hard beds are hard to sleep on, and the food don’t fill
it’s not you, can you live with it, although it’s never fair? Thanks for your
patience in seeing your writings published! When you write something            you up. Be boring as hell in the cell.
fabulous, it will be in The Beat!                                                    I like to see the girls in their classes in the halls, but we can’t
                                                                                talk to them, so that’s messed up an’ all. So, what I’m sayin’ is,
                                                                                stay out the halls and be free, and never come back.
Goodbye For Now                                                                                                                                 -Melvin
                                                                                From The Beat: What is your “smoove stuff”? Do you go to school on the
A time when I said, ”Bye” to someone important, was to my mom,                  outs? Take challenging classes? Can you take your own wise advice and
                                                                                not come back?
when I got locked up. This happened at my house when they came
and got me. Even though I was still going to see her, it wasn't
going to be the same.
     At that moment, I also had to say “Bye” to my freedom. At
the same time, when this happened, she started to cry, because
                                                                                I Hate When They Tell Me I Ain’t
I was just at my house, then next thing, I was in cuffs. I didn't               Getting Out
know what was going to happen, so I had to make our hug at my                        I hate when they tell me I ain’t getting out.
house count. Seeing tears come from her didn't help the situation,                   I be, like, damn, y’all bullshhhing, tryna hold a real ninja
either. Though I still see her, it won't be the same, now that I'm                   down
gone. Well, non-stop love to my mom and folks.                                       But they can’t fo’ too long.
                                                         -Moreno                     I hate when they wake me up for shower time early as hell.
From The Beat: Is one of the worst things about juvy, knowing your mom
is lonely, maybe scared, worried about you? Do you ever think about your
                                                                                     “Look,” I tell them, “Fall back, get me last.”
mom suffering, before you mess up, then not do what you intended?                                                                            -Shawdy
                                                                                From The Beat: Juvy could let you go to sleep and get up later, have better
                                                                                food, your own clothes, but if you got too comfortable, would you still
                                                                                struggle to keep your freedom, once you’re out?


Simba’s World
It’s February 22nd, 2011. It’s yo’ boy, Simba. I’m still down at the
moment, hella mad, but not really, though. I went to court today                I’m Still Planning
and I’m finna get sent off, probably to a group home. That’s what I
hope that’s going to happen. But, hey, gotta get back on track and
                                                                                On Becoming A Doctor
                                                                                Dear Mama, I’m sorry for the stress I put you though. It wasn’t on
do me out there on the outs.                                                    purpose, but sorry. I love you with all my heart. I just want you to
      I miss school and my “dawgs,” man. Been down awhile, now,                 watch over me. I’m still getting in trouble, but one day I’m gone
fa real, missing the family. It’s hard being locked up, brodey, like            stop. I still plan on going to college and becoming a doctor, it’s just
seriously on everything. But I gotta dust my Jersey off and get                 I’m trying to get my money straight. I love you, Mom, and rest easy.
back up. My mind is focused now and I know what I want to do—                                                                                      -Ali
positive things, man. Get up outta jail. Tired—my body is tired of              From The Beat: If you’re trying to get money illegally to pay for medical
wearing juvenile clothes, tired of the box, tired of the jail shhh.             school, don’t. Can you do well in school; get a real, at least a part-time
                                                                                job, even if it pays small money? Investigate now, how to get grants for
Gotta keep my head up and above water.                                          medical school?
                                                            -Simba
From The Beat: What positive things are you eager for, that you are willing
to work hard to achieve?

                                                                                Ashton And Aroz’s Future Spot!
                                                                                We’re finna get an apartment when we get out, and have our
I Hate To Hear My Mom Yell At Me                                                boyfriends come live with us. And the homies can stay, but you
What’s up with The Beat? I just wanted to tell you what I hate to               gotta pay rent, and we’ll feed you. Ha ha. It will be like a telly.
hear the most. I hate to hear my mom yellin’ at me, ‘cause I messed             It can’t be made hot, though, so we don’t all get wrapped. We’re
up on something. The worst words that I heard were the ones that                already planning it out. We want to get a dog, too, for decoration.
came out her mouth when she said, “At least your brother isn’t                  Ha ha. It’s going to be fun. Can’t wait. We’re going to get a bunch
like you.”                                                                      of furniture and art work and plants from our friend’s house, while
                                                              -Weez             she’s sleeping. And a jellyfish in an aquarium.
From The Beat: As painful as your mother’s words were, could whatever                                                            -Ashton and Aroz
you’re into influence your younger brother so strongly, that he could start     From The Beat: You already know you’ll have to find jobs to pay rent, food,
seriously messing up? Does he look up to you, follow your example? What         regardless of your homies’ contributions. What work are you planning for,
about him?                                                                      that can also expand your talents and interests? Have fun!
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 26
                                                        n Francisco t s
                                                    sta Sand o ut s
                                                    sta n d o u County
An Eye For An Eye                                                           True Story
Mood: Even. Place: Space. Time: To leave. Song: “Thuggin’.”                      Scribblin’ down stories on my notebook.
Album: “Savage Life 2.”                                                          Remember, Young Ninja trying to get the dope cooked.
Artist: Webbie                                                                   Ninjas mug when they look, ’cause they halfway crooked.
     I like to get even. If you cross me, it’s “An eye for an eye.” I            Jay B, I’m like 911 with the heat, had a nine with eleven, but,
keep grudges. There’s a verse in a Bible I’m going to get tatted:                mayne, got it took.
Leviticus 24:17. “If anyone takes the life of a human being, he must             Uncle Sam sell the bangas when his life is in danger.
be put to death. Anyone who takes the life of someone’s animal,                  Beezie ninjas ain’t solid; they show their true colors, like
must make restitution; Life for life. If anyone injures his neighbor,            Power Rangers.
whatever he has done, must be done to him. Fracture for fracture,                Just left the lawyer’s office; shhh done got real.
eye for eye, tooth for tooth. As he injured the other, so he is to be            Four months ‘fore I drop, now they got a deal.
injured.” It’s not all, but that’s how I feel.                                   Do six months, and the other charges disappear.
                                                              -Chino             Look ‘cross the table; T-Lady, my momma, up in tears.
From The Beat: This quote from Leviticus may be righteous, but what              Should I take ‘em to trial and play with my life?
about what Mahatma Gandhi, who helped free India from the British, said,
“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”? If everyone always              My name Jay B; I’m wrong and I’m right.
sought revenge when s/he was wronged, the retribution would be endless,          They got me on DVDs, smokin’ wood, gave the picture to the
destroying us all. When someone disses or really hurts you, how can you
deal with it, without causing anyone pain?                                       judge.
                                                                                 Shhh I don’t need; lawyers say I’m found guilty and it’s
                                                                                 Friday, the fourth.
                                                                                 All the money I gave out, ninjas sold me out, gave me two
The Projects                                                                     weeks to take the time.
                                                                                 And it’s messing with me; the hell with the city; damn judge,
    The projects--cocaine and gunshots.
                                                                                 I ain’t even convicted.
    In the nighttime, all you hear is guns pop.
                                                                                 My homie told me, “Don’t play with ‘em,” Another told me to
    Young thugs strapped, just to watch each other’s backs.
                                                                                 fight.
    I walk around the block with house slippers, ‘cause I’m so
                                                                                 Mayne, my mind going through two damn cycles. Got my
    relaxed.
                                                                                 movement to told me down. When I’m gone away seven
    I show love to the ‘hood, and they show love back.
                                                                                 months, sixty days--the most I ever did.
    When I go to the suburbs, I get nervous and grit my teeth
                                                                                 The hell with it, send me up the road.
    ‘Cause when I walk down the streets, it’s all eyes on me.
                                                                                 I ain’t goin’ to trial; take my lick and sit down. Put on a
    And I love my projects, because I feel safe
                                                                                 couple pounds.
    Around people that look like me.
                                                                                 Told my round, hold me down.
                                                            -Mont
From The Beat: Nice poem! Your neighborhood sounds dangerous, so how             Shhh finna get real; take care of my family, don’t be poppin’
do you maneuver around it and stay safe? How would you solve all the             pills.
drugs, shootouts, and with young men strapped, in your community? How
do you protect your family, your homies, your young ones?                        I’m coming home with a grudge, going off like Pac.
                                                                                 Any ninjas who owe me money; we gone come and get it
                                                                                 back.
                                                                                 Any ninja actin’ funny; I’ma expose they ass.
I Was Being A Belligerent Drunk                                                  Think my career is over with? I’ma show my sass.
What’s up with The Beat? I’m chillin’, doin’ my time. Today I’ll                 Call my NFL cats; I’ma need a couple stacks.
write about when I was in a car with my big homie and a couple of                They got a ninja, like, whooa, man. This court shhh done.
my cousins. I didn’t go to school that day; instead, I kicked it with            Got out of control, mayne; gone, but not forgotten.
my homies and got drunk all day. At some point we got together                   Just remember, I’ll be back.
with my big homie in his car and was posted on the block, slappin’                                                                          -Jay B
                                                                            From The Beat: Although this poem is about your street thugging and
and drinkin’ hella 4 Lokos.                                                 difficult court decisions, it also shows your despair, hurt at your homies
     I remember that there was a car in the middle of the street,           and ladies betraying you. Even with righteous grudges, you were in the
                                                                            mess, too. You have a good heart, but won’t your thugging instincts
and my big homie told me to check him out. I mistook it as him              sabotage everything you’ve ever dreamed of?
tellin’ me to run up on the car, so I did. I ran up and pulled the door
open, and asked him where he was from. In a panic he hit the gas
and sent me to the ground. I got up and went back to where my big
homie was parked.                                                           The Ghetto
     We kept drinkin’ and all I remember is hella hella police all          I’m from the ghetto, where all we know is to get that dough. Get
around the car with guns drawn. They slammed me up and I went               that dough. Get that dough. Yeah, though, it ain’t no safe place or
crazy, talking hella shhh and tellin’ them they can’t hurt me. I            no good community, so don’t come around. Nah, the ghetto is just
remember that they put me in the car and drove me to the hospital,          another way to say “the projects” or “the ‘hood.”
where they strapped me up on a hospital bed, ‘cause I was being                  In the ghetto it goes down fo’ real. People’s lives get took and
a belligerent drunk. They cut my shirt open and somehow I ended             houses get robbed, if the thugs got to get it. I like the ghetto and
up in YGC. They charged me with disturbing the peace, and I was             would never want to move out. Me and my thugs like fam--we look
back at it in, like, two weeks. They was peed. Por vida. Keepin’ it         out for each other, so I’m proud I’m from the ‘hood, though, a.k.a.
one hundred.                                                                the ghetto.
                                                                  -Nug                                                                     -D-Eas
From The Beat: That’s a funny story, but you were really lucky the man in   From The Beat: Where are you in this scenario? Are you a “thug” who preys
the car didn’t go at you, or hurt you when he drove away. In the streets,   on your community? Breaks into cars/houses, and steals? Sells drugs to
do you still have to do what a “big homie” tells you, or can you choose     your neighbors? Mugs visitors? How could/do you make your community
what is/isn’t worthy of you?                                                wholesome and safe for your children, homies, and strangers?
              do
 sta n County u t s
sta n d o u t s
San Francisco
                                                                                                          thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                  Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                       Page 27



The Ride                                                                       The Ghetto
My hype is taking them Camrys, feel me? If you got bars at
                                                                               The ghetto is my stomping ground! Growing up my whole life, I
whippin’, then, shhh, you know what Young Smash talking about!
                                                                               been living in the ghetto! Now we say the jets! But my experiences
I’m talking ‘bout the day I was with my sis and I was smacking
                                                                               growing up in the jets ain’t like how people say it is! I look at
across the Bay Bridge, like, up to 110, high as hell. Ha. I remember
                                                                               it as one big family looking out for everybody in the community!
my sis was like, “Damn, bra, calm down!” Well, that’s it for now.
                                                                               The difference between ghetto and ‘hood--ghetto is like the slums,
Later.
                                                                               and ‘hood is like the area where you from! That’s what I think the
                                                      -Young Smash
From The Beat: What if you’d flipped the stolen Camry over the Bay Bridge      difference between ghetto and ‘hood is!
railing and risked your sister’s and your lives? Has your sister ever gotten         I don’t think that the jets can be a bad influence on people!
into a car with you again? You write like you think this story is funny. If
so, you’ve learned nothing.                                                    I think what you see on TV is a bad influence on people, and that
                                                                               inspires people to do those things in the ‘hood they grow up in!
                                                                                     Some positive aspects about the ‘hood, is they have lil’
                                                                               programs that help youth find jobs to help kids stay off the streets!
My Boyfriend, My Lover                                                         I don’t see the ‘hood as something to influence me to live a certain
I love my boyfriend so much and miss him like crazy. I know he’s               lifestyle! I see the ‘hood as a place I could call home! I couldn’t
upset that I’m here, and I hate that. This is really gonna be my last          see myself livin’ in a house! I could, but I wouldn’t feel how I feel,
time in here, because he misses me too much, and we hate the                   living in the ‘hood, like in a regular house! ‘Cause all my ninjas
fact that we can’t see each other. So I’m not go’ come back, and I             live in the ‘hood, and I wouldn’t give that up for anything. I’m not
promise you that.                                                              ashamed of living in the ‘hood, because when I make it to the top,
     I can’t see him mad, because he gets to the point to where he             I’ma make it there from the bottom, and people will look at me and
goes off. He loves me that much to cry over me, ‘cause I’m in here             say, “He made it growing up in the ‘hood.”
and not with him. I’m not go’ come here again, because he is gonna                                                                            -Slim
                                                                               From The Beat: It’s wonderful all of you in your neighborhood protect each
be sad, and I don’t want him to be that way. I can’t wait to see him           other. It must be teaching you some wholesome values, especially if your
when I get a chance.                                                           family/homies encourage you to become a success. How could you help out
                                                            -Jah’nai           your community, when you’re out and/or when you’re grown?
From The Beat: How does your boyfriend feel about you doing whatever,
that brought you into juvy? Is that his real issue, and your challenge, not
to do it again?

                                                                               Prince’s Whip
                                                                               I was fifteen last year, and I was with my bra, Prince, and we hopped
My Heart Done Turned Cold                                                      in his car. It was a ’55 Impala, and it was me, his baby momma, and
     Stuck up in the cell, going through hell                                  his daughter, who was about a year old. My bra pulled a Philly out
     Got room time; now I’m really in jail                                     and I pulled a blunt out. I’m thinking we finna drive somewhere
     Miss my family, friends, and even my ex                                   and smoke there, but he says we hot-boxin’ it. I’m like, “Wit’ the
     Yeah, I’m still love the girl, but it’s on to the next                    baby?”
     ‘Cause females like clocks, cash them in and then I’m out                      He, like, “Yeah, we be doin’ it sometimes. She koo’.”
     Thought I loved this one, but I still have doubts                              The blunt was as thick as his thumb, and longer than his
     ‘Cause who knows what love is? Not me, grew up in my ‘hood                middle finger. I was ready, he was ready; we sparked and got higher
     No affect, ‘cause affect is time and time is money to me                  than Twin Peaks! The baby got high, too, and was all sleepy, and
     All this money I see, turned my heart into debris                         then started crying, and Baby Mamma gave her the bottle and she
     So now I have to use my brain to steer me away from the                   stopped. We kept smoking, finished the blunt, then I hit the block.
     penitentiary                                                              That’s my ninja, but that was mainey. Then, again, that his baby.
     ‘Cause my heart done turned cold, hiding my soul of gold                                                                               -Mophed
                                                                               From The Beat: Could you have told your bra and his baby mama that you
     Got a get out of this system; it got me on hold                           wouldn’t smoke blunts around their baby, and why it’s harmful to her?
                                                            -Forest            Maybe they would think later that you’re very right, and stop smoking
From The Beat: Terrific blues poem/song! If you’ve never been profoundly       around her, themselves.
in love, maybe you will be! If the money you see can affect your heart, just
wait ‘til some lady you love, breaks it. Then you can write another song,
this one about, “Whoa, it’s all about the pain.”

                                                                               I’m Not Gone Self-Destruct
                                                                                    My body might, but my mind won’t self-destruct.
Thoughts                                                                            I always ran into bad luck, and still haven’t learned to duck.
     It was something I wasn’t used to, my chin faced to the                        Police came to our neighborhoods, and colored faces, they
     clouds.                                                                        abduct.
     Askin’ the Lord, “Will I ever make it out these clothes?”                      Crazy people run the streets, killin’ for a couple bucks.
     It’s like I’m runnin’ outta options, with no way to turn.                      Everybody look at me, like, “How you do it?”
     They say we livin’ in a dark world, so I’m back interned.                      ‘Cause I got a master plan, and I’m goin’ through with it.
     I’m lookin’ all around; I see them crooked smiles                              Don’t believe everything; it may be fairy tales.
     But they don’t ever bother me, ‘cause I be up an’ out.                         Little white lies turn as big as whales.
     I start to hear the rumors, but it don’t get to me.                            Can’t complain about my life, so I do not fuss.
     My aunty, Meipo, told me, “Baby, love ya enemies!”                             I’m not gone self–destruct, but I just don’t trust.
                                                                         -V                                                                  -B-Ray
From The Beat: What do you think of “Love your enemies?” Have you ever         From The Beat: What is your master plan to protect your physical and
tried that? If so, what happened? Did you stay enemies? Call a truce?          emotional safety, so you won’t self-destruct? Even if you don’t believe
Become friends?                                                                anyone else, you must trust yourself!
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 28
                                                         n Francisco t s
                                                     sta Sand o ut s
                                                     sta n d o u County
Day By Day                                                                   The Black Man Sang To The Beat
What’s trappin’ with The Beat? You heard me. Still at the Ranch,                 The Black man sang to the beat; he sang good with the music
thugging. Trying to let the time pass by every day. We always doing              The Black man sang to the beat; he sang good with the music
something productive every day. Time fly by, though. Before I know               He sing so good, the ‘hold lady humming
it, my time going to be up and I’ll be ready to go home, y’amsayin’?             Started to fall out of her seat and cry
      I got this bad old lady at the house, waitin’ for me. She stay
writing me and telling me to change. It’s hard to change, and I’m                The Black man sing so good to the music
going to. I just got to take it step by step, you know, ‘cause if you            The Black man sing so good to the music
don’t, you going to fall in that same hole you were in before, so                His tone for the music set off like LL Cool J
don’t rush things. It takes time.                                                In the beats, blue’s wandering
      I’m about to get my GED, and when I’m done with this program,
I’m going straight to college--do something with my life, instead of             His tone made the lady gig
always being on the street, standing on a corner and wasting my                  His tone made the lady gig
life.                                                                            She started gigging out of nowhere
      Just to let ninjas know, if you just posted in the ‘hood, you              The old lady had no fear
just a standing target out there. You’re not hustling, why post up               She gig, went crazy, on the dance floor
for nothing? You just waiting to get killed. I just wanted to put that                                                                        -Ivory
in air.                                                                      From The Beat: Great blues/rap! We can almost hear that man singing so
                                                                             good, that we also wanna gig.
      Anyways, back to me. I still got five months to go. This dead
time be killing me. You heard me? I caught seven more weeks of
dead time for fighting. I really think this is bullshhh. I only caught
time for a fight since I been here at the Ranch. But I ain’t going to
let that faze me or stop me for what I really want, and that is going
                                                                             I Won’t Let You Get Me Down
                                                                                 Y’all do too much; you think you hurting me, but I’m
to back to my ol’ lady and the family. I got to take care of business            laughing at you
and do my thing to get out off probation. So that’s it for now. A-Jay            Y’all do too much; you think you hurting me, but I’m
out this thing.                                                                  laughing at you
                                                                -A-Jay           I bet you thought you got me back, but you didn’t, boo
From The Beat: Don’t get discouraged changing your life—it’s slow, not
dead time. You’ve earned your GED, are ready for college, will stay out of       Over using, and abusing power; over using, and abusing
the streets and hang with your lady and family, so you’ve accomplished a         power
lot, and should be proud.
                                                                                 You wish I really did something, so you could give me an
                                                                                 hour
                                                                                 I won’t let you get me down; I ain’t did nothing wrong
Rock My City Hard                                                                I won’t let you get me down; I ain’t did nothing wrong
     I want to stay free; I want to never return                                 Now you could say I did something wrong ‘cause I wrote you
     I want to change my ways; but still rock the Bay                            this poem
     Rock my city hard, each and every day                                                                                              -Sara
                                                                             From The Beat: You can write almost anything your heart is feeling,
     I’m telling it heavy, like a set of weights                             especially this poem. Sometimes it must feel like the counselors can
     I’m trying to be free, like a hook with no bait                         control your every move, but now you’re free, with only yourself to tell
                                                                             you what to do.
                                                                -Nathan
From The Beat: Can you rock without messing up? Probably not. Even if
it’s wonderful to never have to be responsible for what you do, because it
is weighty, that’s what it means to be grown.
                                                                             A Romance?
                                                                                 I thought I couldn’t live without you.
                                                                                 But now that we’re not together, I’m better than ever.
I Can’t See Myself…                                                              Supposedly, there was spark, but there was no fire.
I can’t see myself being in and out of the system for the rest of my             I spent thirteen long months with you. I regret it all.
life. I can’t see myself killing someone. I can’t see myself hurting             We were like a multiple, like two times two.
someone else. I can’t see myself having an abortion. I can’t see                 But the division process told me to subtract you.
myself not having a house.                                                                                                                    -Aroz
                                                            -Brenda          From The Beat: We can feel the sadness in your heart, even though you
From The Beat: You know what you don’t ever want to do, because you          write that you’re better off without him.
have a tender self. If The Beat asked you, “I Can See Myself…?” what
would you write?


                                                                             Shivering In The Cold
                                                                                 My baby left me, left me all alone
Don’t Get Locked Up                                                              My baby left me, left me all alone
     Be home on time, go to school                                               Left me feeling like a dog without a bone
     Don’t smoke that hilla, don’t drink that Henn                               My heart is aching, like he ripped part of my soul
     Don’t fight; don’t get caught up                                            My heart is aching, like he ripped part of my soul
     Don’t get stopped by the boys                                               Now I’m sitting out here, shivering in the cold
     Do you                                                                                                                               -Sherbria
                                                         -Young Smash        From The Beat: Nice, tender, anguished poem, that’s like a country/folk
From The Beat: Sorry, we cut one line, but you’ve written some good          song. We hope you find your way home, get warm under the covers, and
advice. Will you take it?                                                    compose a song about how you’ll heal your heart.
              do
 sta n County u t s
sta n d o u t s
San Francisco
                                                                                                          thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                   Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                        Page 29



I Can Be Loud, But I’m Not Ghetto                                             My Imagination
                                                                              Hi, Beat! I’ma talk about my imagination. My imagination is, “Do
I’m not ghetto, so let’s put it like that. Ha! So, what’s up with The         my business by myself.” For example, I want to be a mechanic and
Beat? This Jazzy. I’m back in here. I’m hella bored. Hey, you open            work with a company that could need my help, like, repair cars. Or
the door! Twenty dollars! I just wanna say something--it’s to my              I can call other persons who are interested in cars, and maybe we
girl. “Love hurts, but I’ll go through all the pain for you.” Siempre         can work together.
mijita. I can be loud, but I ain’t racket, fa real.                                                                                           -V
                                                               -Jazzy         From The Beat: Great imagination! If there’s a garage near your home,
From The Beat: You may be loud, but you’re young and full of enthusiasms.     can you ask the mechanic if you can watch him work on cars? When you
You’re also way intelligent, not just jokey funny, so we hope you develop     learned the basics, maybe he’ll pay you to do them.
that strength.




Life                                                                          Accused Of Being Ghetto
                                                                              Me and my friends walked into DSW and my friends were kinda
     I’m a lost teen in a world with guns and drugs
                                                                              loud. This lady was, like, white, and said matter-of factly, “Do you
     I tried it out and for a second, I won
                                                                              have to be so ghetto?” I can’t imagine myself using coke or any
     Gangbangin’ with my ninjas, it was fun
                                                                              hard drug. I think it can be addicting.
     When I got caught up, I was the one
                                                                                                                                           -Cherry
                                                              -Lil’ Shake     From The Beat: Could you forgive this lady’s ignorance?
From The Beat: You may feel lost when you find yourself in a violent
world, but it’s on you to get any mess out of your life.



                                                                              The Memory You Can’t Forget
The Ride                                                                           I can’t imagine myself coming back here to this place
One time I had flaked on my female to go to a party. Right before I                It’s torture, staying in that little space
got into the party, she called me, saying she had her brother’s girl’s             Regretting what you did to get here everyday
Mustang. Off tops, I had her come swoop me up. She let me drive.                   Always thinking about it, night and day
I was running that Mustang. That shhh was lit. I got some Cuddy                    It’s like a memory that won’t get out of your brain
that night, fa’ sholy.                                                             Like it’s locked in there with a chain
                                                         -Young No                 And won’t let it out
From The Beat: As fun as running that Mustang must have been, but                  No matter how hard you try and take it out
especially if you’re drinking while driving, you can trash your girlfriend,
yourself, and the car, and destroy a whole lot of lives.                           You might stop thinking about it for a second
                                                                                   But it comes back, and you feel the same way
                                                                                   Ashamed, in pain, and full of regret
                                                                                   A memory you can’t forget
Master Plan                                                                   From The Beat: Does your mind keep reworking whatever you messed up,
                                                                                                                                                    C-Zar
Yeah, man. You know ya boy ‘bouta get out real soon, so I’m ‘bouta            to see if it can come up with a solution to fix it, even though it may be too
go to City College for two years, then get my AA, then go to San              late for now? Maybe, when you get out, can you make better whatever is
                                                                              obsessing you, even if it’s only to never do it again?
Francisco State. Then be there for four years, then move to Florida,
have my kids and wife, and just be koo’ and be stay out the way. I’m
just tryna stay alive and free.
                                                           -Tu-Man
From The Beat: Great plan! Can you write or go on-line for a catalog of       I Hate To Hear That Somebody Died
classes, and enroll in City for the summer or fall? What do you want to       What up with The Beat? This ya boy, Beeskee. The hardest thing
learn? Moving to Florida is a good idea, too!
                                                                              I hate to hear the most is people lettin’ you know that somebody
                                                                              died. I remember when they told me my sister died. I swear I almost
                                                                              passed out. That shhh knocked the wind out of me. After I heard
Everybody In The Barrio Knows                                                 that, I was in shock for, like, years. Matter of fact, I’m still in shock.
                                                                              One of the reasons is I didn’t even hear from my family. I heard it
Who You Are                                                                   from “Authority.” But the years passed, an’ I learned how to cope
The barrio is a place were you can find the carnales. Positive                with it. That be bullshhh when you gotta hear shhh like that.
things about the barrio is that you know all your Latino people.                                                                               -Beeskee
A barrio, for me, is where you grew up, the rest of your life, and            From The Beat: Were you in juvy, where your family thought they couldn’t
                                                                              get through to you when your sister died? Were they punishing you for
everybody knows who you are. Sippin’ on some cervezas (beer) y                messing up? No matter why you were in juvy, you need to hear about your
fumando (smoking.) Cholos that be laced up with Cortezes (Nike                sister from your family.
shoes) and buttoned up shirts, fighting other Latinos because they
claim another set. Homies kicking it all together, doing our thing.
    El barrio influenced me growing up. I’m not ashamed of living
where I live. I’m proud to rep where I’m from. It influenced me               Saying Goodbye
because I was out there with other homies, and I seen the style of            The day I had to turn myself in was hard. I had to say goodbye to
everybody else. Much love to my folks posted in the barrio.                   my family. I should have run, because I miss my family. I miss
                                                          -Moreno             being around my mom, and I just miss her company.
From The Beat: Your loyalty to your homies is wonderful, and your                                                                    -Jonathan
community’s musica, comida (food), beautiful Spanish language, dress          From The Beat: If you’d run, you might have gotten picked up again, and
style, how you tease, play with, and support each other, is a joy to hang     had to start your program all over again. Can you just not mess up, stay
around.                                                                       out of juvy, and hang with your precious family?
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 30
                                                         n Francisco t s
                                                     sta Sand o ut s
                                                     sta n d o u County
Car Story                                                                     My Lifestyle
One night I was with my best friend, and it was hella late. We were           It’s hella hard, bein’ here, for real. That’s why I been thinking about
over in the Haight with some of our people, and we got tired and              what I’m going to do when I get out. I been praying every night to
wanted to knock out, so we called our friend, and asked to go                 make me a better person, because who I’m am right now is getting
spend the night at his spot. None of the buses were running, so               me in this YGC hall, so I been thinking of a plan--that’s going to
we got in a taxi, planning to just hop out when we got to Forest              be important in my life. See, I been thinking, “Should I give up,
Hill Station.                                                                 or what?” But God made me think, “Naw, can’t do that, so I’m go
     Well, we got there, and my friend ran out of the taxi and I was          keep trying.”
laggin’ it, and got left behind. I tried to explain that I had no money,                                                                      -Ay Bee
and that I was really sorry, and then he reached back and grabbed             From The Beat: Absolutely, always keep trying. What is important in your
                                                                              life? Can you build on what you’ve already accomplished, on your family,
my thigh and said, “Well, you can pay me in another way.” Then I              homies, girlfriend, anyone who supports and cares about you, to fulfill
booked it out so fast and found my friend, and lived happily ever             your ambitions and dreams?
after.
                                                                 -Ashton
From The Beat: Why go out at night without money, and be willing to
cheat a taxi driver? Wouldn’t your friend whose spot you were spending
the night, front you the taxi fare? The taxi driver had no business
                                                                              My Moms Will Never Forgive Me
propositioning you, so he’s wrong, too.                                       My moms will never forgive me for my mistakes and my life I live
                                                                              today.
                                                                                  I’m living in the halls. I’m learning from mistakes, but she’ll
                                                                              always pray for me anyway. Life is hard when you don’t focus, but
I Can’t Imagine Being Old, With                                               don’t give up; “God” ain’t hopeless.
                                                                                  Ain’t nobody said it way easy, just keep praying; he’ll help you
Grandkids                                                                     so much that he’ll make you speechless.
I can’t imagine myself being old and having grandkids. I don’t                                                                             -Bandit
know why, I just can’t see that far ahead of me. I hope I’ll be sweet         From The Beat: Do you think your mom will forgive you for your mistakes,
                                                                              if she’s convinced you’ve stopped committing them? God is never hopeless;
and wise, like my grandma. I need to live a little bit differently from       neither are you!
now on, so I have some better stories to tell them. I hope I will have
grown old with the love of my life and start a family, but I still can’t
imagine it at this point in my life.
                                                               -Ashton
From The Beat: If you want to become sweet and wise like your grandma,
                                                                              Saying Good-bye
just be who you are now. Since you have no husband or children yet,           Saying bye is crazy. I hate the feeling. When you in the back of that
maybe just live your life now, and also create stories that please and make   cop car, saying “Bye” to the world, ya friends, ya family, ya female,
you proud.
                                                                              you sitting in the car, mad as hell, fo’ real. But all you can think
                                                                              about is that you messed up, but there ain’t shhh you can do. I
                                                                              needa stop going down. I’m tired of this shhh.
The Ride                                                                                                                                -Young No
                                                                              From The Beat: You’re right, enough mess. Can you plan for a mess-less
My old friends and I had a fun (but illegal) summer in 2009. We               future?
would go around our neighborhood, taking cars, left to right.
Every day we would slide around in a new car. First we would go
to another neighborhood. We went through everywhere, smokin’,
and just havin’ no cares for the law. All we needed was a pair of             My Daisy For Life
scissors and fifteen dollars for gas.                                             Sunflowers are a beautiful sight
    No weapons, just four wheels to slide past anybody. Some                      Smells good, shines under light
didn’t like the way we moved, but you know we do what we want,                    100 sunflowers in a vase
when we want. We were all through the hills nonstop. Many times                   It’s like they’re smiling in my face
we chased people for fun--people on feet and people in whips.                     Sunflowers, known as daisies
Them Toyota Camrys is cheap. A pair of scissors could give you a                  Cute and yellow, I love the smell
cross county trip for free.                                                       Take a whiff, leaving you under a spell
                                                            -Ray                  I sleep with my Daisy every night
From The Beat: Although you had fun stealing cars two years ago, you              Yellow petals shining bright
don’t do it any more, right? Why would you terrify someone by chasing,            I love my Daisy, yes, for life
hitting, or running over him? When you get out, can you get a job, buy a
car, and go on a road trip cross-country legally?                                 Daisy, Daisy, marry me
                                                                                  I will treat you right, until eternity
                                                                                  Comfort you and hold you tight
                                                                                  I love my Daisy, yes, for life
Hype                                                                              Without my Daisy, my heart fails
I remember when I was with my ninja in a 5-0, jus’ ridin’ around                  Without my Daisy, life is hell
smoking, drinking, getting phone knocks, and racing on the                        I love you, Daisy, that’s the truth
freeway with anybody. We did some donuts under the bridge. One                    Without you by my side, my world is blue
time our car tag expired and we went to park downtown in an alley,                When you’re gone, I’m feeling gloom
and we used a razor and cut the 2012 sticker and put it on ours.                  Come back, Daisy, I can’t live without you
                                                           -T-Top                                                                              -Na Na
From The Beat: You may consider stealing someone’s license plate sticker a    From The Beat: Do you love your lady, Daisy, or the flowers, or both? She
prank, but someone is minus his/her sticker and you get in major mess if      certainly has inspired you! How did she disappear from your life? Nice
you get caught. Would you ever do this again, or not?                         poem!
              do
 sta n County u t s
sta n d o u t s
San Francisco
                                                                                                           thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                   Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                         Page 31



I Can’t Bring People Down With Me
     I can’t imagine myself becoming a snitch                                  Just Lost
     Because I, myself, have landed myself in this ditch                            I feel lost without you
     And can’t bring people down with me, ‘cause I can’t take the                   So much we’ve been through
     time                                                                           But I hate it when I left you
     So I ain’t dropping no dimes                                                   Without you, I’m just lost
     Purity among this slime; loyalty among all these grimy                         You were the key to my success
     people                                                                         You stood by me; you were the best
                                                         -Mummie                    Every tear for you I shed
From The Beat: Taking total responsibility for any mess you created, even           Without you, I’m just lost
or especially if others are in it, can be a tough lesson, but you seem like
you’ve profoundly learned it.
                                                                                    My soul broke to pieces
                                                                                    I let you go and now they cheesin’
                                                                                    I let you go and now you’ leavin’
                                                                                    Without you, I’m just lost
Caged Like A Bear                                                                                                                            -Lil’ Shake
                                                                               From The Beat: Why did you walk away from this girl? Did you break her
     I miss the dark night, ‘cause there’s always a fight                      heart, as well as your own? Does she know how you feel? What could you
     But I hear no sound; all I see is a person with a frown                   do to get her back?
     I’m locked up, caged like a bear
     I look in my room and ask myself if it’s fair
     Fair to be in, not out, but I imagine I’m free
     Free as a bird, just free                                                 Someone Once Told Me
     But I look and it was all a dream                                         Someone once told me that when it’s all said and done, we’re gonna
                                                           -Monster            regret things we haven’t done more than things we have done. That
From The Beat: It must be awful to shuffle from wall to wall in your cell      really made me think. Life’s too short to wish you did something
every night, like a caged bear. Does it help to know that someday you’ll be
free, even though the bear may never be?                                       you know you should have or wanted to do, but didn’t. I got “Live
                                                                               Till I Die” tatted on my rib cage and I’m glad I did, so I never forget.
                                                                               It doesn’t just mean to live until you die, it means to do it live every
                                                                               day, no matter what. And that’s what I intend on doing.
What’s To Expect?                                                                                                                             -Ashton
                                                                               From The Beat: Can you live a wild life without messing up or hurting
What’s good with The Beat, mayne? Damn, tomorrow I got court.                  anyone? How about “Live While I’m Alive”? You also know life is serious,
I’m finally gonna be out this thing, but going to a stricter place.            so can you have fun and keep it legal?
I’m finna get transferred to my county fo’ my sentencing. Might go
to YA, it’s a possibility. Home, probably. Camp? Maybe. Still don’t
know how my future looking like, but what can I do but to hope
for the best, feel me? ‘Cause knowing how the system is not fair,              My Homie
what’s to expect?                                                              This your girl, Aroz, back here again. I been down for a month
                                                     -Lil’ Menace              already and still haven’t got transferred. Since I been here, I got my
From The Beat: What sentence would you give yourself, if you were the
judge? What have you learned from being in juvy? If you were freed             mind set for what’s gon’ to happen when I get released. First and
tonight, how would you treat the world in a way that’s fair to everybody?      foremost, I’ma see what’s up with my homie.
                                                                                    After, me and my friend are going to get an apartment and
                                                                               throw parties. It’s hard to change this lifestyle. It’s not time to
                                                                               change yet. I’m still living life like it’s my last day. No regrets.
I Hate Hearing About The Deaths                                                Homies can stay at the apartment, but you gotta pay some money
The thing I hate hearing the most is the deaths. I was hot when                keepin’ it lit.
they told me Bezzla died. Man, I miss you, bra. This shhh ain’t                                                                                 -Aroz
koo’. They killed my man four days after his birthday. Just know               From The Beat: Your release day will be the first of your freedom, hopefully
I’m a rock for him. Man, I remember we used to rock and smoke,                 not your last day on earth. Your lifestyle is messing with your freedom, so
                                                                               should you get a job to pay for your apartment and to keep your lights lit?
and me with the females on deck.
                                                      -Young DT
From The Beat: You were good to each other while your homie was alive,
so you’ll have beautiful, but sad, memories of him. Definitely rock for him,
celebrate his life, but, can you also protect your own life on the outs?       Females That Wear They Toes Out
                                                                                    I love females that like to wear they toes out
                                                                                    Call me a fire hydrant, I bring the beezies out
                                                                                    I gotta lotta people want what’s hangin’ from my neck
Off To Iowa Again                                                                   Call me what you want, just don’t call me collect
What’s up, Beat? This is the homeboy, Malo, back in juvy. This is                   Tell me what’s the deal, what to do with this beef shhh
my last time in here. I’m ‘bout to be eighteen. They’re shipping me                 Say the hell with me in yo’ cell, but when you see me, you
back out to Iowa for nine months. When I’m done over there, I’m                     don’t do shhh
getting off probation, so that’s gonna be the best shhh ever. I’ma                  I don’t believe you actors, who you kidding, dog?
have a big party, strictly for homeboys and homegirls. Hopefully                    Save yo’ lame game fo’ yo’ damn memory card
thing turn out good.                                                                                                                    -Wis-Munz
                                                            -Maloso            From The Beat: You have ladies, cash, real poetic talent, and guys jealous
From The Beat: What was your life in Iowa like, the last time you were         of your bling, so you make it in your neighborhood. But can you convert
there? How did Iowa change you, expand your idea of the country you live       your many talents into success in the outside world? Probably! Can you
in? What do you hope to learn now?                                             challenge yourself more?
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 32
                                                         n Francisco t s
                                                     sta Sand o ut s
                                                     sta n d o u County
My Life, My Life                                                             Mind On Success
     Man, it’s hard out there in this world.                                      I’m havin’ a good time. They just tryna ruin it.
     It’s like the world’s coming to an end.                                      Shout out to the fact that I’m the realist ninja doin’ it.
     You know, I been thinking in my head                                         Everybody die, but not everybody lives.
     About what I’m going to do when I get out.                                   I wish I can have this moment for life!
     I been trying to change, for real.                                           Yeah, though, man, I’m sittin’ here ‘til they free the thug
     I’m trying to make up for my mistakes.                                       ‘Bout time this in The Beat, I be gone.
     Make my family happy.                                                        I’ma change when I’m free
     Stay out the way of the place                                                Ya homies ain’t ya homies unless they a stay alive for you.
     That was bringing me back in here.                                                                                                -Gucci Goo
                                                                 -Ay Bee     From The Beat: What makes you more real than your homies? Is dying
From The Beat: Is it a place, some homies, or you, that brings you into      somehow a weakness in character? When your homies die, how are they
juvy? Can you make up for your mistakes by not making them again? What       letting you down?
does your family want for you, that you want, too?



                                                                             A Kiss Sent From God
Saying Goodbye                                                               This morning, when I got up, I felt the sun rise on my face, and
I remember saying “Bye' to my mom. I had been on the run for a               when I looked up, someone told me, “I love you forever,” and that
year. I got cocky and thought I wouldn't get caught, but the one             was my mom and dad. They told me, “I will be with you forever,”
time I didn't expect it, the police pulled me over and recognized            and that made me smile for life. And when someone gave me a kiss
me. They put me in the car. I called my mom, told her I got caught.          blow, it was sent from God, and the sun rose and sent the angels
There was a moment of silence, then she told me, "Don't worry,               down to my brothers and sister, to give them praise, but I knew
Mijo, I'll go visit you today." Now, three months later, I'm still in        that it was not coming back. So I said to you all, “I will be coming
here, waiting to go to trial. Hopefully I'll get out in a month o' two. I    back again, sooner or later, but at the time I will be missing and
miss you, Mama. Hope to get out and be with you soon!!                       missing you all, but now I am here with you, mom and dad. I love
                                                                    -Lui     you.”
From The Beat: It must have broken your mom’s heart, too, to see you go.                                                               -La’Kiesha
Whenever you get out, will you go home and live with her, at least until     From The Beat: What a beautiful prayer to your parents.
you’re grown? You’re fortunate to have such a loyal, loving mother.



                                                                             I Hate To Hear “Talk Is Dead”
Forced To Say Good-Bye                                                       The thing I hate to hear constantly in jail is, "Talk is dead.” I wish
It’s neva a right time to say good-bye. Gotta make the first move,           somebody on the outs try to tell me talk is dead. But yeah, though,
‘cause if I don’t, you gonna start hatin’ me. I neva felt the way I          they trying to, basically, tell us we got to shut up right away. I don't
once felt about you, girl. It’s not you; it’s me. I kinda gotta figga        be feeling that, for real. I wish we could switch places, and they
out what I need.                                                             were in my predicament, and I would say, “Talk is dead” every time
      I had to say good-bye to this one female, but I really didn’t          they move their lips.
want to. I had to say good-bye by force. If I had a choice, I would                                                                          -D-Eas
neva leave her side. But she is not just a girl, she is a woman,             From The Beat: Being told, “Talk is dead,” must be insulting, like being
                                                                             treated as a child. Is the staff at juvy trying to teach all of you not to take
full-grown. I think I love her. Seriously, I neva felt like this about       your freedoms, including speech, for granted on the outs?
nobody before. But at this very moment, we are apart, and we
haven’t talked since I got took away. I haven’t heard her voice,
touched her body, felt her soft, light-complexion skin or nothin’,
but when I get out, we most definitely go’ be back.                          Real Life In These Streets
                                                              -Tu-Man        My mind is filled with bad thoughts and crime. I was twelve years
From The Beat: You must be writing about two different girls. Why did you    old when I fell in love with the deadly weapon they call a gun. Ever
risk losing the second girl by messing up, when you love her? You have a
romantic heart.                                                              since then, I been crazy, having to watch my back, everywhere I go.
                                                                             This shhh isn’t good, not just for you, but for your family, because
                                                                             they have to worry and wonder where you are or if anything is
                                                                             going to happen to you.
I Couldn’t Feel My Heart                                                          I’ve been a victim to being jumped, had guns pulled out on
I remember this time when I said good-bye to someone important               me, shootings, and all types of other stuff. Still I remain the same,
in my family, and that day was the most hard for me, because I was           because ain’t no calling quits or saying you’re out of the game.
losing someone important in my life. So when she die, I feel so sad.         That’s ‘cause the enemy still will be after you.
I wasn’t feelin’ my heart, I was feeling that everything was comin’               People always wonder why thugs carry guns. Well, I’m telling
down. It’s like someone was killin’ a part of me, the one I wasn’t           you they don’t wanna die, so they keep one for protection, because
gonna see no more.                                                           they wanna stay alive. No one wants to live like this, but that’s how
     So when you lose someone, you feel like something is killing            it goes. Sometimes it’s a dog-eat-dog world, kill or be killed, and
the inside of your body, and that’s hard for us. So when you lose            better someone else’s mama cry than my mama cry, so I’ma get you
someone, that person would be in your mind, or in your heart in              before you get to me. Hey, I’m just lettin’ y’all know how I feel. Be
the end when you die.                                                        cool how you be cool.
                                                                  -V                                                                       -Frank
From The Beat: You’re right, when someone you love dies, it can be like      From The Beat: When you carry a weapon, do you take more chances,
your own heart is dying, too, and even if your heart can heal, maybe never   go dangerous places, rely on it when there’s trouble, when you wouldn’t/
completely. You have our sympathy.                                           couldn’t without one?
 sta n d o u t s
sta n d o u t s
Santa Clara County
                                                                                                        thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                     Page 33



The Park and It’s Games
Today is my last day here in juvenile hall and I’m never coming
back…To be honest though it’s not that I’m changing my ways, I’m
just changing the way I do it. I’ve calmed down ever since 1 year
ago. I still have a few things to do before I end my youth hood, but
                                                                             Another Day, Another Dollar
                                                                             Another day in the max, more restitution that I'm being taxed. I
I ain’t trippin’, I still got 3 years to do it. But I’m still gonna go to
                                                                             wish I could just kick back and relax, but I'm stressing off the fact
college for four years and then become a staff here in juvenile hall.
                                                                             that I'm sitting here and I'm not sure what to write. Just expressing
Well that’s all I got. Hopefully I’ll never write for you guys again.
                                                                             myself and living that life, though I wish I wasn't.
                                                                       -L
From The Beat: Why do you want to work in juvenile hall? Have you                  I thought I was living unique, but we come a dime a dozen,
thought about things you would like to study in college? We’re glad you      we're all just trying to survive doing whatever is necessary just
hear that you are on your way out and that you have plans for your future.
Good luck!
                                                                             to stay alive. What's different is the real person that is inside,
                                                                             because no matter what you did it's the same story that thousands
                                                                             of others have lived.
                                                                                   So I'm just doing me regardless of what anyone might think,
My Dog                                                                       it's been 7 long months and all I can think about it getting out and
What's up, Beat Within? I don't remember the last time I got to se           getting drunk! (Haha, nah I got plans and I got goals and hopefully
my dog, so I miss him. I want to see him one more time. My dog               soon I'll be able to go home.) I'm tired of sitting here and just
grew up with me. My dog is from Mexico.                                      feeling alone.
     The first time I met him was when I was five, but I was scared                I can't complain, it just sucks I'm innocent and spending time
of him. But, he just came to me and tried to tell me not to be               in this environment. Yeah, that's what everyone says, but I don’t
afraid of him and that he is a good dog. Then I started to get along         care! I really didn't do it, but I gotta go. Just some stuff that's been
with him. He is a pitbull and I hope that he is still alive. I still will    running through my dome, See you next week, yo!!
remember him.                                                                                                                            -Young Zai
                                                                             From The Beat: You seem to have some very insightful ideas, Young Zai.
                                                                  -Luis      However, although you claim to be innocent, think about the things that
From The Beat: What’s your dog’s name? Why were you scared of him at the     you've done that may have placed you in the situation of being falsely
beginning? What about him made you not scared anymore?                       accused. Perhaps you were simply at the wrong place at the wrong time,
                                                                             but putting yourself in dangerous situations could be a lot riskier than
                                                                             you think. We really hope that the plans and goals that you speak of when
                                                                             you get out are to discontinue putting yourself in these situations so you

The Thing I Hate To Hear The Most
                                                                             won't have any reason to be unfairly accused and punished.

Q-vole. Well, the thing I hate to hear the most us my mom telling
me to change. It's hard because I always say yes but I know I'm
lying. I feel messed up because she always believes in me and I lie          The Ride
all the time.                                                                The best time I remember is coming back from New Mexico with my
     I hope one day I change so I can make my mom proud, not sad             best friend Roshelle before I lost her. As we rode into the setting
about me. I know one day I'll change but I hope it's not too late            sun all I could think about was how lucky I was to be there with
when I change. Well that's it. Later.                                        her at that moment as we rode back home. I guess days like that
                                                        -Chiquilin           keep me going.
From The Beat: Your mom is telling you to change because she cares about
you. And it's obvious that you care about her as well because you want                                                                    -Greg
to make her proud. Changing your life takes time and discipline, but it's    From The Beat: Why did you lose Roshelle? Why were you in New Mexico?
never too late. You have everything you need to change, you just need        What about the ride was so memorable? What about days like that keep
to want it.                                                                  you going?




Setting an Example                                                           The “G” Ride
One hard goodbye I had to say was when my little brother saw me
get arrested. The cop asked me if I wanted to say goodbye to him             Q-vole Beat how’s it going? Well as for your firme vato, I find myself
and I said yes so he walked my little brother up to the window and I         doing cool, just doing time in this max unit wating to bounce to
had to say goodbye through the cop car. It hurt me to have my little         county in three months. Well I’m going to tell you guys about a
brother see me drunk and getting arrested.                                   car story.
                                                             -Young               Well one time I was cruising on Story and Capitol on the
From The Beat: What do you wish you could have told your brother in          Kollmar apartments when out of nowhere a cop starts coming in
that moment? What do you want him to know about your experience in           my direction. I panic and I took off hella quick trying to get away.
the hall?
                                                                             Oh by the way I was in a stolen truck.
                                                                                  Well yeah I kept speeding, hitting every corner try to drift as
                                                                             best I could, but then I got tired of high speeding it. Then I came to
Goodbyes                                                                     a sudden stop and I flew out the car running, but when I got out I
The last time I said goodbye was when my mom was moving                      forgot to put the car in park, so when I got out the car kept going
somewhere else with my brothers and sisters and it was hard for              like five miles per hour. Then I looked to the side of me and I saw
me because I thought that I wouldn't see her anymore. I started              the cop car going after the car.
crying because it's hard to say goodbye to someone you love the                   But yeah that day I got away and it was funny. Well Beat, this
most and took care of you your whole life.                                   firme vato is out to all next door stay up.
                                                     -Lil' Quin                                                                              -Serio
From The Beat: Where did your mom and siblings go? Why didn’t you go         From The Beat: Although we do not condone the stealing of the car, that’s
with them? Did you get to see them again?                                    a pretty funny story. Thanks for sharing!
                                                     sta n d o ut s
                                                            d Clara t s
                                                     sta n Santao u County
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 34



                                                                             One Night
Saying Goodbye Is the Hardest Thing                                               One night
Was when my cousin passed away. My cousin was 25 years old                        One knife
when he passed away. He had some kind of cancer all of his life. He               One big mistake.
was one of my best cousins because I spent 24/7 with him because                  It was fight or flight,
he was like my big brother.                                                       I made a bad decision.
     It's been five years since he went away and I still pray and                 Now I'm looking at Y.A. or prison
hope that I will see him soon. Every time I'm walking in the streets              I'm only a teen,
late at night, I pray that he's looking out for me and every time I               Messed up my teenage dream.
do pray I end up safe, relaxed and thankful that someone I love is                No girl, no car,
looking out for me.                                                               I might not make it to ever sit in a bar.
     Well, that's all for today, Beat readers, until next time. To all            Locked up in a cell,
my loved ones, I love you and miss you.                                           A juvenile hell.
                                                             -Manos               My mind is stuck in sadness
From The Beat: Thanks for sharing this with us Manos. We’re sorry to hear         while I live a life of madness.
about your cousin. What about your him made him like a big brother? Did
you grow up together? Tell us more about the relationship.
                                                                                                                                                      -C
                                                                             From The Beat: We like how powerful yet simple this poem is, C.K. How
                                                                             do you think differently about your future when the things you thought
                                                                             were basic (a girl, a car, sitting in a bar) could be taken from you?
The Thing I Hate To Hear
Well, what's up, Beat? The thing I hate to hear is people complaining
at me. Every time they, it's usually something stupid. All I do is
leave or just tell them to shut up and stop complaining.                     Saying Goodbye Is the Hardest Thing
     When I'm talking on the phone with a girl, and she's                    Saying goodbye is a painful thing for me because I've had to say
complaining at me for whatever reason, I just click and don't pick           a lot of goodbyes in my life and I'm only 17. I've had to say some
up for days or weeks. Well, that's it, Beat. Alratos.                        hard, bad, tragic byes.
                                                             -Temper              My first goodbye was to my big brother. That's why I don't
From The Beat: How is this method working for you? Does it accomplish
anything? Instead of walking away, or hanging up, try to have a              show no sympathy for no one that is not my loved one. I say All
conversation and work whatever it is out. Stupid or not.                     family, No Friends.
                                                                                  My big bro got killed when I was 10, that was in 2004, that's
                                                                             when everything turned maine in Oakland, California. I've lost
                                                                             close friends and family to violence and to the streets.
Saying Goodbye                                                                    The past always haunts you in good ways and bad ways. When
To me, saying goodbye wasn't to a person, it was to my freedom on            you see someone you know get shot in front of you, you will be
January 21st. The last thing I remember is driving down Capitol              like, boy, the game ain't no joke, the game is thick on everything.
Expressway behind a police car looking back at the S & S market.                  Bruh. The East Bay is where I'm from but that don't mean I
    They got me on a murder charge, so just knowing that there's             always gotta carry a gun that's what you got me in hear today on
a possibility I may never get out of prison made it very difficult to        some high shhh.
look back on Capitol and Story and say goodbye.                                   To everyone doin' time, stay strong. I'm doin' major time. love
                                                      -Lil' Smokey           you, mom. This comes from the heart. Thanks, Beat, for your time.
From The Beat: We understand how important freedom is to everyone,
especially a young person. But it sounds like you made some very serious                                                                -A. Bruh
mistakes, Lil' Smokey. It's very important that you realize what you did     From The Beat: Are there different types of goodbyes? Do you think that
was wrong and understand the difference between feeling remorseful           saying goodbye makes us stronger?
for actually committing the crime, or simply feeling bad because you got
caught. We hope that doing time will help you see these things clearly so
you won't continue to make the same mistakes.

                                                                             What I Hate To Hear
                                                                             I hate to hear gun shots, police sirens and the toilet flushing in
Card Games                                                                   the morning! That shh’s annoying! The reason I hate hearing gun
                                                                             shots is because I've been shot at and it scares the shh out of me
They say everything happens for a reason, that there are no
                                                                             because you don't know if you're gonna get hit. It's either you or
accidents, that’s why I don’t trip off my mistakes because they
                                                                             the homeboys.
are lessons and experiences to go through. I may be in a difficult
                                                                                  I also hate hearing police sirens because every time I get
position right now, fighting for my freedom with my whole life on
                                                                             stopped by cops, I end up getting hit with the cuffs so that's
the line, bt these are just the cards I was dealt and I’m not folding
                                                                             why I run. Well, alright then. Sonido los vemos alrato and for the
case I still got some ace’s up my sleeve.
                                                                             homeboys that know me stay up and don't let this system keep you
     I smile in the face of adversity because I know what kind of
                                                                             down! There will be better days.
man I am and this whole ordeal is just making me strong. My court
                                                                                                                                        -Rhino
date is coming up on the 11th and soon trial so show me some love            From The Beat: We admire your positive outlook, but it's not good to run
and send some prayers my way. Much love. I’ll have some poetry               away from your problems because they will catch up with you eventually,
                                                                             as you've noticed because running from the cops has landed you in
next week.                                                                   juvenile hall. Also, if you continue putting yourself in the same situations
                                                         -Young Zai          where you and your boys are getting shot at, worse things can happen.
From The Beat: We admire your strength that comes through so clearly         Take this time in the hall to think about what kind of changes you want
in this piece. You’re fighting for your freedom, but what will you do with   to make in your life when you get out so you won't have to listen to the
it once you get it? Have you thought about how to better play the cards      sounds that you dislike so much (unfortunately you can't really avoid the
you were dealt?                                                              sound of the toilet flushing in the morning! sorry!)
 sta n d o u t s
sta n d o u t s
Santa Clara County
                                                                                                       thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                     Page 35



The Unknown                                                                 “Ghetto”
Well, to me the hardest time when I had to say goodbye is when              I define the word “ghetto” as the hood, to where you don’t have no
I told my parents goodbye and I had to leave. I don't know if I'm           kind of money, and you have to “hustle” to get the money to support
going to be able to see them again or not and it's not that it's hard,      yourself and family to get by. Sacrifice things like going to jail, not
it's just the fact that you don't know what happens to your family          seeing your family, getting shot, robbed.
members while you're locked up.                                                    When people say “that’s ghetto” they probably mean the way you
      It sucks because you can't jut leave to go see them if anything       dress, the way you talk or where you come from. The ghetto mentality
happens to them so to me that's why saying goodbye is so hard.              is not giving a damn what you do as long as you get by, make you money
                                                                            and handle your family the right way. The ghetto doesn’t influence me
                                                        -Anonymous
From The Beat: Considering the fact that you seem very worried about        it is just what you have to do to make it out of the hood.
your family, we're sure they're just as worried (if not more) about you.           The opposite of a ghetto is living in a four bedroom house with no
Make sure they know how much you care about them and try to better
yourself for both yourself and your family members.
                                                                            cops harassing you, pilling you over for no reason. I am not ashamed of
                                                                            living in the hood because it’s where you’re from and you have to deal
                                                                            with it always!!!
                                                                                   You will never forget where you’re from. Something that defines
Saying Goodbye is the Hardest Thing                                         ghetto from what I seen is seeing people get shot, robbed or having to
                                                                            rob somebody.
When I got locked up, I didn't really get to say goodbye to my
girlfriend, but I think if I got the chance to it would be really hard                                                                 -Kid Benjamin
                                                                            From The Beat: What do you need to do to make it out of the hood? Do
for me because I love her so much.                                          people make sacrifices like going to jail and not seeing family in other
      I'm really used to hanging out with her every day and now I'm         neighborhoods? What makes the “ghetto” different?
locked up in B-9 and I have to get used to only calling her on the
weekends because there is not that much activity time during the
week.
      Well, now I'm just waiting until I see her again because I really
                                                                            The Ghetto
                                                                            “Ghetto”—it has many different meanings. It could mean anything
miss her. I hope that day comes real soon.
                                                                            from bad looking people to people saying it’s cool. I personally
                                                            -Do Vedar
From The Beat: Goodbyes are never easy, and it's always hard being          believe the ghetto is something that people should overcome and
apart from your loved ones. But it seems like the pain of being apart       make something of themselves to show that people can come from
from your girlfriend is really resonating with you. Next time you have
the opportunity to do something illegal, think about how hard it is being   bad backgrounds and still make it.
locked up and away from her. Hopefully, the feeling of being without her                                                              -Greg
will help prevent you from doing something that could possibly land you     From The Beat: Why do you think “ghetto” means so many different
in juvie again.                                                             things? How would you overcome being part of a bad background?




New Mexico
The hardest decision                                                        Sixth Sense
The hardest decision that I had ever had to make was to consider,           I believe I was born with a sixth sense because I member one time
and go through with an abortion. I wasn’t even for sure I was               my cousin killed himself, and about an hour before It happened I
pregnant until I was about six months. I wasn’t even showing, and           saw him do it. I asked my mom to call Cali but she said I was crazy
it was already going on my fourth trimester, but I made my decision         when I told her what I day dreamed.
and my final decision was to go through with it.                                 About an hour later my Auntie called and told my mom what
     I don’t regret it because I love my hijito till the day that I die,    happened, I asked to talk to her and when I did I asked about the
and with this my life changing experience would have to be having           weight bench, and a couple books I saw on his bed and the gun.
my lil hijito on April 24th 2010.                                           The gun fell between my cousins legs point first, and when my
     I know people tell me he could have been a 4-20 baby but I             Auntie asked how I knew the things I said, I told her I had a day
don’t’ really mind I really don’t care about that. My water partially       dream about it.
broke on 4-20, but the tricky part about it is that on my way to the             Another time was when I had been partying with one of my
hospital I started getting my contractions. I little while after I was      Uncles and we went back to my pad to pick up some cloths. After
giving birth to my son while I was still in the ambulance.                  getting my cloths I got in the car and just had the feeling something
     After my son came out we finally arrived at UNM hospital, and          bad was going to happen. I didn’t go with him, and an hour later my
the Doctors took my son to the nursery while they took me to                mom got a call that my Uncle was in a wreck.
this room so I could get my stitches. A few seconds later my sons’               The only thing I could think about was me dying that day,
dad walks in the room with a big smile on his face. I got taken             so I had to see the car and when I did the hood on the passenger
up to a new room after I was done and was still in pain. Then the           side was pressed all the way into the seat where I would have
nurse brought my son in the room to me so I could feed him, I               been sitting. My Uncle hit a telephone pole and it ended up in the
couldn’t believe my eyes. Once second that baby! My son was in              passenger seat. If I would have gone with him to his house I would
my stomach and now, I’m well, I was holding him in my arms just             have died. Good thing for my sixth sense because there is more
smiling away.                                                               then just these two times.
                                                               -Ashlee                                                               -Sixth sense
From The Beat: It sounds like you made the right decision? We’re glad       From The Beat: If there is more we would like to hear more of your stories.
every thing turned out the way you wanted it to. Now get out of lock up     Have you ever been able to prevent anything you’ve seen in a “day dream”?
and take care of your son, don’t loose out on the best years of his and
your life.
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 36
                                                     sta n d o ut sts
                                                     sta n d o u County
                                                             Marin
Streets                                                                      I Relapse
Living in the streets is hard, because you never know what’s goin’
                                                                                  I messed up—I’m angry as can be
to happen. You might get shot, get beat up, anything can happen,
                                                                                  Actin’ out in the halls—too much anger to be released
but I still like the streets. When I get out of juvy hall, I want to say,
                                                                                  I don’t care--I does this, but it neva benefits
“What up?” to all my homies, but ‘specially say, “Hi,” to my mom,
                                                                                  But, just thinkin’ of these shhhs; maybe I should change a
because without her I wouldn’t be here.
                                                                                  lil’ bit
     My mom is my everything. I been an idiot to her, but I still love
                                                                                  But so many excuses for actions—I’m really ruthless
her. She is my everything. I love her with my heart. I feel bad when
                                                                                  Bein’ who I am, I won’t hesitate to leave you useless
I make her cry, because it makes me feel like a fool. I got love for
                                                                                  Now I’m back to stress. I made a choice that was wrong
my family, but I got love for the streets, because all my homies got
                                                                                  Yellin’ and screamin,’ “I’m in a place where I really don’t
my back and I know they miss me, but that’s just me. Later.
                                                                                  belong”
                                                              -Travieso
From The Beat: Is your mom grieving because she fears she’s losing you to         The system got it wrong, but to them, they got it right
the streets? Does she blame herself? Is she looking into what may be your         Even if the wrong decision was made outta fright
future, which could include state prison, if you stay hanging with your
homies? Is she right?                                                             Got me tryna sneak a tear in the middle of the night
                                                                                  I try to be coo’, but too bad, I’ma goon
                                                                                  I had to admit it—why don’t they admit it, too?
                                                                                  I neva try to act hard, like, I don’t miss my family
Late Realizations                                                                 I take it out in the halls—I know the staff can’t stand me
     Breathing heavy, palms are sweaty, stomach queezy                            If I even think trouble, it’s like they prepared to grab me
     I think I’m gonna puke                                                       I say this—don’t you think, but it still makes me feel madder
     Head’s poundin’, body’s shakin’, foot tappin’                                They tryna take away my phone calls—the shhh makes me
     I think I’m gonna cry                                                        sadder
     What’s wrong? What’s not? Body’s gettin’ hot                                 Tryna say, “Don’t show out”—ninja, I can get badder
     I think I’m triggered                                                        Now I ain’t got shhh to lose—I might go bad faster
     People surrenderin’, feelin’ alone, vision blurin’                           Have they ass spooked—I get a good laughter
     I think I’m blacked out                                                      Manipulatin’ they ass—like I’m they own master
     Curled up in a ball, blood on the floor, it’s not mine                       I wish to see freedom, but that’s a wish I won’t get today
     I think I’m crazy                                                            Organize my life the right way, as I try to do the same
                                                                -Britney                                                                 -Obie One
From The Beat: You’re an amazing poet, and you’re not crazy, but what        From The Beat: You may be righteously angry, but can you not take it out
is causing the blood? Why are people surrendering? Why is your body          on the other youths or staff? You’re not a goon, and even if you can be
reacting so extremely?                                                       ruthless, can you hold yourself back and not hurt anyone, especially those
                                                                             more vulnerable than you?




Waiting
     Anxiety’s building up, time’s wasting                                   Growing Up In These Streets
     Money’s goin’ down the drain                                                 San Rafael, City of the Mission
     And I’m going crazy                                                          Growing up on these streets
     Waiting, waiting, watchin’ the clock                                         It ain’t easy, but only the strong survive
     It seems both the hour and the minute hand stopped                           And staying on your toes is a must
     Waiting, waiting, frozen in time                                             Me and my ninjas walking up
     I feel like I can’t breathe, I’m losing my mind                              And down these hot-ass streets
     Waiting, waiting, for my fresh start                                         Keeping it lit, with the 5.0 making it hot
     I know it’s coming, even though I’m waiting in the dark                      But it’s good. We ain’t gettin’ wrapped
     Waiting, waiting, I hope I don’t grow old and die                            Free me
     Waiting for this plan to unfold                                                                                                            -Jack
                                                                             From The Beat: You’re wrapped up now, so it can’t be that good. The
                                                          -Britney           streets have raised you, but what have they taught you, that you can
From The Beat: Will you initiate your plans now or when you leave juvy?      use wisely in the world beyond? You’re strong now; how can you use that
You’ve already changed your attitude, a beautiful start! What are your       strength to make it in the world?
future plans?




Missing Him                                                                  Beautiful Genious, Part Two
Damn, I sit in here, just thinking on him. I remember all the good                Word to my motha, I’m ill, ask my brotha
times we spent together. We would go to the clubs and we went to                  Things on my mind, I still haven’t uncovered
parties. We just did a lot of things. Also, one thing we did the most             Dreams unseen. I’m just tryin’ to get the cream
was kicking with the homies and we all stay true to one thing only.               Cash rules everything around me
I miss him like crazy. He is the world. He got the homie taking care              The seams to my clothes, the minds of my bros
of me, so I ain’t trippin’. I might get out, so if I do, I’m going with           The television shows, the hearts of the beezies
him, so, yeah. Trust nobody, fear nobody.                                         People say I’m crazy, The Beat say I’m lazy
                                                              -Sad Girl           But I give The Beat my pieces, so Pauline need to pay me…
From The Beat: You advise your Beat readers to trust nobody, but you trust                                                              -J Mak
this young man. Be careful of limiting your friends/family to one person,    From The Beat: Nobody from The Beat would ever say you’re crazy or lazy,
especially while you’re both so young. Don’t give up your education. You     because with your wild, funny, insightful, tragic mind, you almost never
need it.                                                                     rest. Why not trust your imagination to create your real riches?
sta n d o u t s
sta n d o u t s
Marin County
                                                                                                          thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                  Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                       Page 37



I’m Going To Save Myself                                                       Summer Jam
I hate this place. At the same time, I’m glad this place is here and           Last year, Summer Jam was smackin’. It was at the Oakland Oracle
am super thankful. This place has helped me see the light. No                  Arena last year, when Drake, D-Lo and hella other people came.
matter how long I say here, I will walk out of this place ready to             E-40, Husalah, all performed, but it was crackin’. I went up there,
have a happy cig-free, drug/alcohol-free life.                                 smacked on two of them things.
     Cigs have screwed my life. I hold the record for the shortest                 I met me a lil’ bad beezie. She had on some cute shhh. Me and
time out of juvy. I was released after five days. In the parking lot I         my bra was smoking inside that thing. It was live. I’m hopefully
picked a cig off the ground. They saw it on camera and rebooked                going to this year’s, but I might not make it. Just a lil’ somethin’.
me. My life is at its turning point and I’m going to embrace it and                                                                        -Obie One
save myself.                                                                   From The Beat: It’s great you had a beautiful time at Summer Jam. Being in
                                                                               juvy can sabotage your entertainment on the outs, so…?
                                                             -Holden
From The Beat: Until you accept that cigarettes can not only sabotage
your freedom, they can ruin your health irreparably and cause your death,
will you still keep smoking? Can you tell a cigarette, you’re not its slave?
Because you aren’t.
                                                                               Help The Beat
                                                                               The Beat is going through economical problems. A suggestion
                                                                               I would consider is publishing books with the best writing and
What You Would                                                                 drawings. Kids need The Beat and employees need the income.
                                                                                                                                    -June Bug
See In My Neighborhood                                                         From The Beat: Great idea! Many of the most heart-felt and imaginative
                                                                               writings come from you in Marin juvy, to be in any “Best of The Beat.”
There would be trailers all over the place. People of all different            Thank you.
colors and races. People would be running around, chasing kids
all over the place. People would be out drinking and smoking.
                                                           -Renee
From The Beat: Nice start for a description of your community. Does            ‘Hood Life
everybody get along? Do kids play games in a park? At a school nearby?              Coming from where girls want you for the car you drive.
Do yours neighbors and you share babysitting? Expenses? Meals? Job
ideas? Music? Gossip?                                                               Living in the ghetto seem kool, but it ain’t right.
                                                                                    Pushing white all night, then you do time.
                                                                                    It looks like it’s worth it, but we all blind.
                                                                                    So fine, but the ‘hood rats mackin’
World’s End                                                                         An’ gettin’ money is all we good at.
     I’m the soul for the devil’s cause                                                                                                 -June Bug
                                                                               From The Beat: None of you is blind. Why can’t you get cash by earning it
     Believe the words coming from my jaws                                     with a job of your own? Girls, everybody, can be materialistic, so can you
     Goin’ in circles, round of applause                                       ignore them? Can you morph your drug sale talents into selling something
     I’ll be the last man standing on doomsday                                 legal, that interests you? Clothes? Toys? Videogames, etc? Yes, you can.
     Receive a standing ovation, like Broadway
     My head spinning, web of lies
     Sad to be alive
     They say I’m living in the world, go and die
                                                                               Arguments In My Mind
                                                                                    The streets is all I know. How do we go about it?
     Heart broke, and my soul got a hole in it                                      Gettin’ gwop, guns, females, it’s automatic.
     Weed’s there, I console in it                                                  All I see is money. How do I get it?
     Life’s a day; I’m living in the minute                                         I think I’m a fanatic.
     Born in the heavens, but I descended                                           Sometimes I wonder what my purpose in life is.
     Dummies won’t understand, the intellects will comprehend it                    A father in life, I think I miss.
     From the ashes I’ve ascended                                                   So, Lil’ Ma, come over here and gimme a fat kiss.
     The phoenix rose, now live with it                                             Truly gangsta in the heart, don’t know when it will stop.
                                                           -Mak                     So, I guess that’s what will keep us apart.
From The Beat: Don’t deceive yourself, any hell on earth you’re living in
is partly of your creation. It can’t make you happy, and you write like you         Out every day, like open shop.
already know that. Your heart is broken, but if you cherish it, it can heal.        So, pray for me, an’ hope the choices I make are smart.
                                                                                                                                           -Mac O
                                                                               From The Beat: Do young ladies like men who are gangsters, in your
                                                                               experience? Or are they afraid to hook up their lives with “Gs”? Have you
                                                                               ever lost a woman, because you’re a gangster? Is any woman worth giving
My High-Speed Chase                                                            up your G life in the streets?
     I get this feelin’, ‘cause you’re so appealin’
     I’m on a high-speed chase, ‘cause you got a gorgeous face
     I see you lookin’ at me. Go ahead, I’m free
     I know you like me. I’m stuntin’, stop frontin’                           My Maybe Miracle—My Freedom
     Every time I see you, my heart skips a beat                               I miss my homies every time and day when I’m here. Hopefully I get
     Don’t worry, I’ll protect you. I got the beat                             out on Friday and never come back. That will be a miracle. When I
     So hook me up, ‘cause you lookin’ good                                    get out I want to go get some good food, some hamburger or some
     Your boy will be in a better mood                                         Mexican food, but I want to go see my mom and my brother. I want
                                                             -Fino             to see my homies, have a party, and get drunk.
From The Beat: Is this poem written to a special lady? Is this how you                                                                -Travieso
talk to a young woman you hardly know—“stop frontin’”? After a female          From The Beat: You’ll deserve some good fun and food, but beyond the
hears this, does she usually “hook you up”? Maybe write her a poem, when       partying, what do you want for your future that will keep you educated,
you’re in a better mood.                                                       working, and free?
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 38
                                                           d o uts
                                                     sta n Santa u t s
                                                     sta n d oCruz County
I’d Rather…                                                                   Promises
     It’s a trip how the homies fall in love.                                 I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t gonna keep getting locked
     I’d rather post up with the fellas and not care about a chick.           up, but for some reason, I couldn’t keep my promise. I got out and
     Too many fools today be falling in love.                                 committed a crime, and I’m back in juvenile hall.
     The only love I got is for my set and for my thugs.                           I also made a promise to my PO that I wasn’t going to keep
     Girls come and go.                                                       smoking or doing other drugs – and I broke those promises.
     It ain’t nothing new.                                                         I don’t know why I make promises that I know I’m not gonna
     But no matter what my boys are going through –                           keep. The most serious promise was to my girl – that I wasn’t
     I got they back, and homie, that’s the truth.                            gonna cheat on her.
     So, when you bury me, don’t put me in a funeral suit.                         But there’s one promise I did keep. When my homie got locked
     Put me in a Pendleton, Ben Davis, and Chuck Taylor shoes.                up he asked me to go to his family and make sure that they were
                                                              -Paris          OK.
From The Beat: Love is good. Why do you think your homies fall in love?                                                      -Broken Promises
Love is natural. Don’t get down on folks who are exercising their right to    From The Beat: You keep the promises you feel are important, or maybe
enjoy the greatest of all human emotions in a way, that at this time, you     the ones that are easy to keep. You need to examine your priorities,
don’t.                                                                        closely. What’s really important?




I don’t know why                                                              When It Began
                                                                              Well, to start off – my struggles began the day I was born because


I make promises
                                                                              my parents used to always fight. And my dad was making money
                                                                              off those yolos until he got locked up when I was three.
                                                                                    He did nine straight and then got deported and he couldn’t


  that I know I’m
                                                                              return or else he would do life. I haven’t talked to him since I was
                                                                              five.
                                                                                    When I was eight, I started kicking it with the homies. Then



 not gonna keep.
                                                                              I hit nine and started smoking. Ever since then I’ve been a little
                                                                              travioso.
                                                                                 I caught my first felony when I was twelve, ‘cause I had a machete
                                                                              on me. I was out looking for some rivals that rushed my home, and
                                                                              when I hit them up, they ended up putting rat and calling the cops
                                                                              on me.
A Few Phone Calls                                                                  When I was in sixth grade I started being a bully at school, so
I’ll be getting out soon. I made a phone call yesterday to one of my          that got me kicked out.
boys. I asked him about a carnale and he told me that the guy had                   Then a year later, when I was a young teen, I met some homies
just been sentenced to ten years in prison, with one strike.                  that liked to go out robbing and stealing. So we would go out to get
      And then I asked him about another carnale who had just                 sto-lows and smash all over town – smoking blunts.
been released. He went back in after just four days on the outs. I                  I remember once when I was fifteen I came upon my first G
was hoping to see him, but now I’ll have to wait a few years.                 stack. (Well – it was more like 3.) But I was out with the homies
      To all doing time – stay up.                                            spending like crazy.
                                                            -Ce Ache               Well, that’s the end of it. RIP to my homies. You will never be
From The Beat: This is tragic. Rehabilitation and reform were once the        forgotten.
goals of the system. We hope you’ve learned enough to stay out of it, from
this time on.                                                                                                                                    -P
                                                                                                                   .
                                                                              From The Beat: That’s quite a story P We know there’s a lot more to it, too.
                                                                              But you’ve given us a strong sense of how you came to find yourself in
                                                                              juvy. Thanks.

Going Crazy
Beat, I have been going crazy thinking about my lady who is having
my baby. Maybe we’ll call her Sadie, or Haley.                                Something I Hate To Hear
    Also going crazy because I talked to my homies on the phone               Something I hate to hear is when it’s pasta for lunch, or lasagna for
and learned that my friend Willy has died. It’s over someone we               dinner, or spaghetti for dinner. I’m tired of getting the same food
don’t get along with.                                                         each week. I like some of it, but most of it is whack.
                                                               -Lt               Oh, and also – chicken and potatoes is also whack.
From The Beat: With a child on the way, you have some heavy                                                                                -Daniel
responsibilities coming. Get out of here. Get busy. (We’re very sorry about   From The Beat: You should ask to speak with the chef. (Perhaps your tips
your friend.)                                                                 are too small.)




Appreciation                                                                  Disappointed
When I get mad I ask for a pencil instead of banging on my door.              I’m gonna talk about when my homie disappointed me. I was
Thanks Beat, for the opportunity to escape my problems through                getting jumped by like nine fools and my homie ran away from me.
paper and pencil.                                                             I thought he was ‘down’ and stuff, but I guess I was wrong.
                                                      -Christian                                                                          -Carlos
From The Beat: You are very welcome. And thank you for your terrific          From The Beat: We’re glad you survived.
writing.
           nd
 sta Countyo u t s
sta n d o u t s
Santa Cruz
                                                                                                              thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                       Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                            Page 39



The Thing I Hate To Hear The Most
The one thing I hate to hear the most is when my mom wakes me
up in the morning and then when I leave she tells me: te portas bien
(you behave now). Or when she says: no te metas en problemas
(don’t get in any trouble). That’s the thing I hate the most.
     But I also love hearing it every time I leave. She makes me feel
all warm inside.
                                             -Loving my mom’s voice
From The Beat: Life’s like that – full of contradictions. This is a sweet piece.




I Know I’ve Told You Things…
Mom, I know I’ve told you things and got out and didn’t do what I
said. But this time I’ll give you my word and I’m gonna stick to it.
And we will have a better life. Hold me to it.
     I’m going to be 18, and I don’t want to go to prison, and not
be there for you. I’m going to work to take care of my kid and I’m
going to stay away from certain people.
                                                          -Damien
From The Beat: Hey D, you’ve got to hold yourself to it. No one can do it
for you. If you want a home and family, you have to work for them. Are
you ready?




Folding Under Pressure
     The weather is hella damp and I’m feeling kinda blue.
     You said you were my homie and that you’d always stay true.
     You folded under pressure and for that you are a fool.
     I’m posted in the hall and you know I keep it lit.
     I’m not the kind of person that is gonna talk shhh.
     I’ll see you in the pen, in a year or two.
     Talk all that then, and we’ll see who’s still true.
     I’m a real ninja. I won’t go out like a mole.
     I’d rather spend the rest of my life sitting in the hole.
                                                        -Young writer
From The Beat: We won’t comment on that issue. But we will say that
you’re a fine poet and that you can write poems anywhere.




The Biggest Surprise
The biggest surprise of my life was when I found out that my
cousin got shot, in Mexico, at a night club. It was tragic. He was
the one who let me drive a car for the first time. (I was only seven.)             Today
I’m never gonna forget him.                                                        I’m 18 today. I don’t get out for a few months, but it’s coo. When I
     Manuel, you are in my heart every day.                                        get out Ima just live life and see where it goes for a year. When I’m
                                                                  -Ge              19, Ima probably try to go to college. But who knows? I might just
From The Beat: We’re very sorry about your cousin. And…. are you telling           like living off my girl. I’m gonna try to find a fat chick who’s gonna
us that you drove a car when you were seven years old? Yikes!
                                                                                   be a doctor.
                                                                                        Yeah, that’s a good idea. Big girls need love too. They are also
                                                                                   more generous. Plus, it means she will be loyal.
Saying Goodbye                                                                                                                                      -Zach
                                                                                   From The Beat: Well, good to have a plan. But your plan doesn’t sound
Saying goodbye is the hardest thing. One time, back in ’08, my                     ‘coo’ to us. Sounds like you want to create a situation that will allow you
                                                                                   to sponge off of someone else, rather than work for your keep. By the
girlfriend was moving out of town. She was going to return, but                    way – all people need love.
since then, I’ve been involved in gangs. I knew even then that I was
going to get into trouble, that I was going to get caught up.
      As it turned out, that day she moved out of town was the same
day I got caught up. She was gone for two years and a month and                    What I Hate To Hear
a half. And when I said goodbye to her it was kind of sad because I                The thing I hate to hear the most is when my mom tells me to be
knew it would be the last time I would talk with her.                              good. And now I’m in here. I try to be good, but I can’t. Trouble
      To this day, I still think about her.                                        follows me, no matter what I do.
                                                       -Missing you                                                                            -Abel
From The Beat: Hey – you never know. Straighten yourself out. Do it for            From The Beat: Trouble isn’t a dog that knows your scent and won’t let you
yourself. But sometime down the road – you could turn a corner, and there          go. It’s the other way around. You have a nose for trouble. You’re doing
she’d be.                                                                          the following.
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 40
                                                                uts
                                                     sta n d o u t s
                                                     sta n d oLos Angeles
Peach                                                                        This One Time
One day me and my mom went to a pet store to buy me a lizard and             One day in school it was lunch and some kid that I used to call a
a Pitbull. No luck for the lizard, so we went to a dog pound to adopt        friend was trying to mess around with my lady, so she told me that
my Pitbull, but they were all sold out, or they were three years old.        he kept slapping her ass, and she didn’t like him doing that. So I
I was looking around, and then, I saw her- a brown and white Boxer,          saw him, almost to get down with him, and he and some other kid
a girl. My mom said, “Take that one!” So I adopted her, and named            were talking smack to each other, and he came up to me telling
her Peach, because her color is like a peach’s color.                        me he was almost going to get down. So I was instigating him in
     Now my dog is two years old, and she gets along with my                 getting down, so I was telling him, ”just get down, don’t be a ….”
Rottweiler like sisters. I love them a lot, because they take care of             So he said, “all right,” and went up to that guy, said, “what’s
the house, and they play with me when I am sad.                              up?” Then socked him, and they both fell to the ground. I came in
                                                              -Diego         and stomped both of them, as hard as I could, and that’s why I’m
From The Beat: You’re a dog lover, what can we say. We agree with you,       locked up.
having a dog as a pet is special. Tell us more about your dogs.
                                                                                                                                         -Moises
                                                                             From The Beat: Why did you feel the need to stomp both kids? We can
                                                                             understand how angry you must have been at this so-called friend for
                                                                             messing with your lady, but…. Look where your actions took you! Would
These Changes                                                                you have done anything different?

     I’ve been gone for some months already
     I’m going through changes in my life.
     I’m going crazy all in my mind.
     Stuck in this room
                                                                             High
                                                                                  Because I got high
     Staring out this window.
                                                                                  I wasted my time
     Watching time go by.
                                                                                  Got addicted to crimes
     Hearing myself cry.
                                                                                  Sold nickels and dimes
     Asking my Lord, “Oh why?”
                                                                                  Upgraded to lines,
     But I know why.
                                                                                  Had women on my side
     Because the things I did in my past.
                                                                                  Never paid attention to their lies,
     This life is too short. I need to change while I can.
                                                                                  Just wanted to squeeze my limes,
                                                               -Ricardo
From The Beat: How do you plan to change? Tell us your plans!                     But she was shy, started to cry,
                                                                                  In my left arm
                                                                                  Then I knew I stepped out of line..
                                                                                  I had to pay that fine.
Searching                                                                         So I bought her a new diamond necklace to shine
     I’m looking for my destiny,                                                  I made her mine
     So I got to give her the best of me.                                         Now we’re together ‘til we die.
     Making it through the days while staff and kids testing me.                                                                              -William
                                                                             From The Beat: This must be hard for the two of you, that you are locked
     I look for better ways,                                                 up. Don’t take your lady for granted. It’s not easy for her either to have
     To make it through the days                                             you away from home.
                                                              -Eric
From The Beat: Can you share with us some of yoru ideas for “better ways”?

                                                                             Saying Good Bye to Dad
                                                                             I never got to say goodbye to my dad when he passed away. I haven’t
The Talk                                                                     seen him for a cool minute if I could I would have stuffed him and
The thing I hate to hear the most is when I try to help someone              put him in my room to see him everyday and tell him what I never
out and give them advice to keep their heads up. They talk to                got to tell him. I wish I could have been by his side when he was
me, telling me that they want to change, and then the next day,              dying.
I hear them talking about nonsense and just acting immature                                                                           -Jennifer
and disrespectful. There’s times where I want to help out others,            From The Beat: This would be funny if it wasn’t also sad. Keep his voice in
                                                                             your mind, and his wisdom in your heart- that’s better than a stuffed papi.
especially when they don’t want help.
                                                        -Ricardo
From The Beat: You can only do so much, they too have to want change.

                                                                             Who Am I?
Action speaks!!

                                                                                  I will never know
                                                                                  I never took the time to understand
Looking Back                                                                      Search for the real me
I didn’t get to say goodbye to my homie, who died because walking                 You see I always hide behind a shadow
late night. I was on house arrest, but if I had been there, he woudn’t            A shadow whom I myself never knew
have passed. First, because I wouldn’t have let him leave- he could               A shadow who loved to live fast
have kicked it wherever I was. Or, I would have walked with him.                  Sex and drugs
     I had his gun, so, I kinda hate myself for that ‘cause I could               A shadow I can’t cast away
have saved his life.                                                              How can I ever learn about myself?
                                                                   -J                                                                           -Renee
From The Beat: A better way to not have to say goodbye to your friends       From The Beat: Have you connected with the real you, now that you are
and family is to find a safe way to live. A real leader does that.           sober and locked up?
 sta n d o u t s
sta n d o u t s
Los Angeles
                                                                                                        thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                     Page 41



Rumble                                                                       Can You See Right Through Me?
     Because I didn’t talk to my girl one day,                                    People look at the walls of my cover
      I was walking in the wrong place at the wrong time.                         Think they can paint a picture of me
     Because I was in the wrong place, I got into a rumble.                       Diagnose me with something I don’t have.
     I got into a rumble because I’m cocky about beating someone up,              Tell me I have problems
     I’m not quick to run.                                                        Who said I can’t live as a Rastafarian?
     Because I’m not quick, it took me a long time to move, and I                 Politically free.
     knocked out a kid,                                                           Who said I couldn’t do what interests me?
      got a charge, and six months.                                               But they’d rather have me in a picture, all drugged up, calm
     Because I got six months, I lost everything that means                       as a zombie.
     something to me.                                                             Running the program they want me to run.
                                                           -Jonathan              People look at the walls of my cover
From The Beat: If you could relive this experience, would you have handled        And add in their odd piece
it differently? How?
                                                                                  Some imagine me beat up, sluggin’ around and quiet
                                                                                  But I would speak my mind.
                                                                                  But the Lord above still holds me tight.
Big Headed                                                                        I dare not change for no one, but myself because I want good.
     Because I went home I got busted                                             People look at the walls of my cover and they think they can
     Because I got busted, I haven’t gotten a woman in months.                    paint a picture of me
     Because I haven’t had a woman in five months, I’ve been                      Can you see right through me?
     stressed,                                                                                                                         -Shequis
                                                                             From The Beat: Who are the people you write about? Are you talking
     Because I’ve been stressed, I’ve been flirting with ugly girls,         about the system? Well, we encourage you to use this forum, to tell your
     Because I’ve been flirting with ugly girls, they think they’re          truths, to teach, and to break the stereotypes and judgments placed on
                                                                             you.
     sexy.
     Because they think they’re sexy, they get rejected.
     Because they get rejected, they get mad at me,
     Because they get mad at me, I don’t holler at ugly girls no
     more.                                                                   My Goal
     Because I don’t like the ugly girls, I only flirt with the sexy              See there was a time when I was labeled the good one,
     ones,                                                                        But now switched up and certified just like a hoodlum,
     Because I can only flirt with the sexy ones, I got to wait til I             In and out of courts and stuck in fierce places
     get out.                                                                     Just lucky that I’m living and I’m gone from hell’s basis,
                                                                 -Jesse           You judging me well tell me what you want to see
From The Beat: Jesse, step up and teach, you talking too much BS. To be           Corruption or a person graduating with a GED?
frank, we want to know what are you going to do to stay out!?
                                                                                                                                                -Alex
                                                                             From the Beat- Go get that degree kid. That’s what we all want to see!



Saying Goodbye to Mom
     It was hard for me to say goodbye
      to my mom
                                                                             My Family
                                                                                  Because I love my family, I can’t let them go.
     when I got locked up.                                                        Because we get into it, it separates us from loving each other.
     When they called my mom                                                      Because we argue we start to fight
     to tell her that I’m in Eastlake,                                            Because we fight, I do shhh to my cousin,
     she started to cry, and it just broke my heart.                              Like spit in her juice, throw her clothes away,
                                                                -Yoselin          put holes in her shoes, and mess up her body wash.
From The Beat: Is this enough for you to make changes in your life?
                                                                                  Because I love my family, no matter what we go through, I
                                                                                  love ‘em,
     Because if you don’t have                                                    Because if you don’t have family, what is there?
                                                                                  Because I had problems at home, I became close to my
          family, what is there?                                                  boyfriend’s family
                                                                                  Because I became close, they would do anything for me, and
    Because I had problems at                                                     it makes me feel loved
                                                                                  Even though I sometimes hate my granny, I love her with all

   home, I became close to my                                                     my heart.
                                                                                  Because I love her with all my heart, I wouldn’t know what to

             boyfriend’s family
                                                                                  do if she died,
                                                                                  Except hurt another.
                                                                                  But I know she wouldn’t want me to do that, so I would just
 Because I became close, they                                                     turn to my family.
                                                                                  That’s what family is for.
 would do anything for me, and                                                                                                       -Shaquenta
                                                                             From The Beat: How is your relationship with your family today? Better?

        it makes me feel loved                                               Sure the love is unconditional, but what are you doing to make your
                                                                             family proud?
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 42
                                                                uts
                                                     sta n d o u t s
                                                     sta n d oLos Angeles
Saying Goodbye
I hate saying goodbye, because that also means saying hello, and I
hate being in new surroundings. I have been in five schools, eight
placements, and three jails.
                                                        -Michelle
From The Beat: Definitely too many institutions. Although you hate
it, tell us the secrets to surviving in all these placements, schools, and
institutions.




Them Cops
I hate most hearing cops tell me I ain’t gonna be nothing when I
grow up, and just be a low life on the street, who keeps getting in
trouble, getting high ,drunk, and into bigger and more dangerous
drugs.
     In my heart, I know those two cops are wrong, and don’t
believe that somebody from the streets could change and chase
dreams and become somebody.
                                                             -Willy
From The Beat: What’s the goal to prove to yourself you can and will be
somebody special?




Time
The thing I hate the most is hearing that I have to stop fighting in
jail and get out. Also, I hate it when the judge announced additional
time to my regular sentence. Everyday, this bothers me. It makes
me feel like I’m never getting out of here, and like my mom raised a
bad kid. But overall, I clear my mind, and just focus on the positive.
                                                              -Oscar
From The Beat: What is the positive? What will it take to succeed?




Fishing
I woke up super early, like at five in the moring to go to the pier
to catch some sharks. I was chilling for like five hours, without a
                                                                             Thinking
                                                                                 My heart beats fast
bite, so I decided to smoke. Next thing you know, my pole starts
                                                                                 from seeing people die
buzzing out of control, so I grab it with a big smile, and start
                                                                                 from gangbanging and doing drugs.
fighting. I thought I caught a giant thresher shark; I was fighting
                                                                                 Seeing people die from doing drugs makes me think of
for like fourty minutes then got so tired, so my uncle finished
                                                                                 myself
fighting it.
                                                                                 Because I don’t want to be in that position.
     It wound up being a big stingray, that weighed nearly 250
                                                                                                                                             -April
pounds. It was the catch of the day along with a four foot leopard           From The Beat: Do you use drugs? Can you stay sober? What will it take?
shark.
                                                             -Jesse
From The Beat: Damn, that must have been exciting. How long have you

                                                                             My Struggle
been fishing? Where do you like to go fish?

                                                                                 There is no progress without a struggle.
                                                                                 So I have to sit around and hustle,
Rumors Hurt                                                                      Watching for the police, because they try and stop me.
                                                                                                                                              -Eric
     Because I wasn’t on her side, she started rumors about me.              From The Beat: What about school? A job? Succeeding in the community?
     Because she said I was a two faced …, I went off on her.                Take on that struggle!
     Because I went off on her, I had to fight her.
     Because I fought her, my body is sore.
     Because my body is sore, I can’t go to school.
     Because I can’t go to school, I miss those days.                        Because
     Because I miss those days, I missed the test and failed the                 Because   I got locked up, I went to placement.
     class.                                                                      Because   I went to placement, I went AWOL.
     Now I have an F.                                                            Because   I went AWOL, I’m locked up.
     Because of that F, I’m stuck at the house, grounded.                        Because   I’m locked up, I’m waiting!
                                                          -Artesha                                                                       -Christian
From The Beat: To relive this, would you have done anything different?       From The Beat: And you are waiting for? Be smart about that next move
How is school going now?                                                     of yours.
 sta n d o u t s
sta n d o u t s
Fresno County
                                                                                                        thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                 Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                      Page 43



Desperation                                                                  Saying Good-Bye My To Family
Saying goodbye can be very hard, and I remember when my uncle                About a year and a half ago my dad got locked up. It wasn't all so
used to live with us about four years ago. I remember the day he             bad because I was still able to see him. When I was in court one
got a phone call from his mom saying that his wife had taken off             day I saw him and he told me he was getting sent to prison for four
with his son and another man. It seemed like he was going crazy.             years and that broke my heart. My dad is my hero. We are like best
He was breaking everything in his room.                                      friends. I haven't seen him for about a year already and now I'm
     The last thing I remember was him talking about his situation           in the same position he is in. Before that, the hardest thing I had
with my step dad. He was trying to get a gun because he said life            to do was say goodbye to my mom and dad when I got taken away
wasn't worth living, but my mom convinced him not to. He said if             from them at five years old.
he wasn't going to kill himself he was going to go back to live with              In my life, I have also had to say goodbye to my girlfriend.
his mom. My mom gave him money for his plane ticket and he left              When I turned myself in she came with me. We've been together
as soon as he was able to. The next day my stepdad’s mom called              for one year and four months. We've been through so much stuff
and they said he was shot three blocks down from her house.                  together and I hope we stay together forever. I want to live a happy
                                                               -Erik         life with her and teach our kids to do better. I don't want our kids
From The Beat: What a terrible thing to have happen. It sounds like your     to go through the same stuff we've been through.
uncle needed some help to cope through his crisis. What will take from his
story for your own life?                                                                                                                   -Isaac
                                                                             From The Beat: It’s difficult to not have your parents consistently in your
                                                                             life. Take time to think through your situation, and hopefully as you begin
                                                                             to make better decisions, you’ll be able to move forward without re-living
                                                                             your father’s footsteps.
Parting Ways
Saying goodbye is the hardest thing for me to do when I said
goodbye to my Mom. Well, it was not even a goodbye until several
days later when I saw her in the courtroom. It hurt me so much               Saying Good-Bye To Jackie,
and I know it hurt her also to see me the way I was. It is not the
same, it feels so weird and it is an ugly feeling when you have to           My Grandma
say goodbye to someone you truly love and most definatly do not              When my Grandma passed away, it was the hardest thing for me to
want to leave.                                                               see. I did not want to believe it. I did not even get to say goodbye;
     In those two words, I was temporarily brought to tears. I know          and now that I think about her not being here, I cannot believe my
I do not want to be where I was and my mother wanted me back at              eyes. Sometimes it makes me want to cry when I think back to
home, but at that point, in the situation; it was not in either her          when she died. This was on March 9, 2009.
hands or mine. All the pain was so hurtful. That was the hardest                  That was the worst day of our life. We got the phone call from
thing I feel I had to do.                                                    my Aunt, who informed my Mother, and I already knew. I just broke
                                                            -Gorge           down and cried. Why did she have to go so fast, so young? I do not
From The Beat: Hopefully you will be reunited with your mother and you       like that the cancer took her life. The Doctor’s said it was too late,
will be able to work to rebuild your relationship.                           because the cancer had developed throughout her entire body. It
                                                                             just crushed me that I never got to say goodbye. Rest in peace
                                                                             Jackie
                                                                                                                                            -Shala
Living in the Ghetto                                                         From The Beat: We are sorry you never got a chance to say goodbye to
                                                                             your Grandma. You’re Grandma knows how much you love her and a part
I live in the ghetto. I don't really like it because my homies and I         of her will always be with you.
keep getting shot at. The last time I got shot at I almost got killed.
My homies keep on getting shot and their moms think it's because
of me. Anyway, I live in the ghetto. I would rather live somewhere
where I don't get shot at.
      I see my friends die but that's what happens when you join a
                                                                             Sitting Waiting Patiently!
                                                                                  Here I sit waiting patiently for things to change.
gang. You have to keep on fighting and fighting for your life.
                                                                                  Months went past, but things still stayed the same!
                                                               -Lil P
From The Beat: We wish you the best of luck and protection. We want you           Same bullet in my heart, new bullet in my mind,
to be safe and we don’t want you to hurt others. We have met people that          I hate to say it but I make the same mistakes in life!
left the gangs behind. They don’t betray anyone, they just move on. Do
you think you could do that?                                                      So now, I sit in this stupid place.
                                                                                  Do not know when I am going home,
                                                                                  but it was supposed to be any day!
                                                                                  However, they said that two months ago now
Gonna Stay Out                                                                    I am starting to give up because deep down I know
I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m back. I’m very irritated. I’m 6             the system really does not give a crap!
months pregnant and was supposed to be released a few days ago.                   “Another day, another dollar.”
I hope my P.O. releases me soon, that’s all I’m waiting for. All I need           That is what the staff yells out.
is for him to sign a paper.                                                       When they say that I know what they talking about!
      Things probably aren’t going to work out my way because I’m                 My PO does not care, he has stopped doing my paperwork and
still in here. When I get out I’m going to stay out of here because               will not even come see me.
I’m going to have my baby. My P.O. might lock me up for no reason.                However he wants me to keep my cool and keep waiting
                                                              -Shante             patiently.
From The Beat: We also hope once you leave you don’t come back. Because                                                                 -Brii-Brii
now you can’t just worry about yourself, soon you will be responsible for    From The Beat: Work at maintaining your peace. Be cool. When you get
another life. You need to work on being the best parent you can; your        out this place will just be some nightmare you remember when you wake
baby needs you to be present in their life.                                  at night.
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 44
                                                            o uts
                                                    sta n d Fresno t s
                                                    sta n d o u County
A Terrible Tragedy                                                          Feels So Sad
I’ve said bye to a lot of people, but one of the most painful goodbyes      Every time I go to visiting to see my mom I don’t want to say good-
I’ve ever had to say was probably about nine to ten years ago when          bye. I want to go with her. I don’t like being without my mom
I went to visit my uncle with my mom in the downtown jail house.            because it seems like we don’t have each other’s love anymore.
My uncle has always been over-protective of his sisters, which              When I say bye to my mom it feels like it will be the last time I will
would be my mom or my auntie.                                               ever get to see her again.
      One night we got a call from the hospital. The nurse explained             When my homie got locked up he said bye, that he was goin,
to my mother that her sister had internal bleeding in her stomach           and that I could do a lot more. But when I said bye it was like there
and was lying in the hospital bed unconscious. Well anyways her             was no one there for me to kick it with or talk to. I had to say bye
boyfriend had beat her in the middle of the night over a fight for          to a lot of people. Some of my homies like to tell jokes and talk
her not giving him the rent money to spend on drugs. And I’m not            about each other and when they’re gone it feels like everything just
talking about weed either if you know what I mean.                          breaks apart.
      My uncle ended up doing something bad to her boyfriend                     The thing I hate to hear the most is when somebody calls your
and we went to go visit him in the downtown jail before he was              house to say that your best friend has gotten shot or has died.
transferred to prison. It was like those old movies we used to              Then when I have to go to the funeral and say my goodbyes to the
watch together when the gangsters would stick their knuckles to             family, it makes me mad.
the window because you can’t shake hands. Or when you would                                                                             -Mandell
talk through a phone with glass in between even though you’re               From The Beat: Those are all difficult things to deal with. We all struggle
                                                                            with saying goodbye in our own way. Stay up!
just a few feet away from each other because they consider you a
threat, which would make you a liability.
      To the judge he’s a criminal but to my aunt and family he’s a
big brother. What would be your opinion? I know mine.                       Losing A Parent
                                                                -Justin     Saying Good-bye is the hardest thing. My father passed away. It
From The Beat: We’re sorry to hear how things turned out for your uncle.
He must love his sisters very much. However, do you think he could have     was so hard to say good-bye because my dad meant a lot to me.
handled the situation in a different way?                                   Until this day, it hurts me so much to know that my father is not
                                                                            here with me anymore. But he's always going to me in my heart.
                                                                                 It hurts to know that someone that you love so much is gone.
                                                                            I cried like never before. I didn't have a chance to say to him that
My Friend Joseph                                                            I loved him one more time before he passed away. It hurt me so
The hardest good-bye is a good-bye I never got to say. My friend            much, but my father is always with me, and looking over me.
passed away almost a year ago, and I never got to let him know how               He's in a better place now. But yes, it hurts to say good-bye to
much he meant to me. I really wish he hadn't died the way he did.           a loved one.
Joseph was a kind and beautiful young man who was hit by a train.                                                                        –Leticia
     I know a lot of people who cared for him very much, and his            From The Beat: We are so sorry for your loss. We wish you healing and
                                                                            well-being.
death brought a lot of sorrow and pain. He was one of those people
who brought a smile to your face without meaning to. Anyways, I
really hope he rests in peace. Good-bye and I love you.
                                                             –Miah
From The Beat: We are sorry for your loss. You may not have gotten to say   The Thing I hate Hearing the
goodbye in person, but you just said it in writing.
                                                                            Most!!
                                                                            Well, I’m going to tell you about what I hate to hear the most; it’s
                                                                            when my baby daddy calls my phone every 10 or 15 minutes to ask
The Hardest Thing                                                           what I’m doing. It makes me mad because sometimes I’ll be asleep,
The hardest thing to do was say goodbye to my mom. It was when              or in the shower, or cleaning up, or feeding my daughter.
I got arrested and my mom had to go to the police car and I had                  That’s why I hate having a cell phone, hearing it ring every 10
to say good-bye. My mom had to say goodbye to me too, and when              or 15 minutes. I’d rather him call me twice a day.
I looked back my mom started to cry. She doesn’t have anyone                                                                          -Bothered
else because she was sick when I left and my brother was already            From The Beat: We can understand how that would be annoying. Have
                                                                            you ever tried talking to him about it and asking him to stop calling so
moving out the house. When my mom was sick she had no one                   frequently?
else but me.
                                                       -Marcus
From The Beat: We hope you get out soon. Your mom needs you!

                                                                            Hearing About Death
                                                                            The thing I hate to hear the most is when the staff calls for visiting
Devastating Earthquake In Japan                                             and I don’t get one. The thing I hate to hear is when one of my
Today, a disastrous earthquake hit the lands of Japan taking                family members dies like my best cousin Armando. He was driving
lives, people's homes and food. It started as an 8.9 earthquake,            away from the police on a high-speed chase.
which led to a tsunami that washed a big part of Japan. I just want             His girlfriend was driving and going a 100 miles per hour and
to say sorry to those people who lost their families overseas in            he didn’t have a seat belt. She cut a corner hella fast and he flew
this disaster. I hope that help from the U.S. gets over there quick         out the window and hit the edge of the wall. He was alive for ten
enough to rescue those survivors.                                           minutes before the ambulance got to him.
                                                          -Alvarado                                                                     -Johnny
From The Beat: We also hope the same thing too. Our prayers go out to       From The Beat: It sounds like your cousin wasn’t in a very good situation.
those devastated by this disaster.                                          It is very painful to hear that a loved one has passed.
 sta n d o u t s
sta n d o u t s
Fresno County
                                                                                                        thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                     Page 45



Life In Probation School
I can't imagine being here again. Once I'm done with my time, my
probation will be terminated. The one thing that will stop me is the
school I'm going to is a probation school. The main thing I don't
like about that school is when you walk into the gates, you get
checked with a metal detector.
     You can't wear any gang colors. The second thing is the school
food. We eat the same thing everyday. Ham sandwiches with an
apple dulce. It reminds me of the same thing about here but I don't
have to eat alone.
     I only like one thing about school and it is the snack stand.
They have noodles, chips, and fruit snacks. The one thing I like are
fruit snacks. They are the bomb. The third thing is that I don't like
getting monitored.
                                                            –James
From The Beat: It won’t be easy surviving probation school, but stick with
it and pretty soon you’ll be done. Stay up!




“The Ride” Story
Two months ago, my two older cousins and I were going to the
mall, and we had lots of weed and just started smoking a lot, until
we were all falling asleep on the freeway. We then stopped at a
liquor store and we brought four beers, parked at the mall and
started drinking them. When we finished, we got the munchies and
went to Burger King.
     We finally went into the mall, and we were all messed up,
with our eyes red, and lowered, people staring at us, and we were
staring back at them. We all had over $100 and we met back at a
store bought a lot of stuff.
                                                              -Ary
From The Beat: Sounds like you and your friends had an interesting day
at the mall. You obviously know that underage drinking and smoking is
illegal. What was it that compelled you all to behave in the negative way
that you did? Would it help to have more positive activities for young
people to do?




Life In The Ghetto
The ghetto is the where you grow up most of the time, either if
you’re poor or don’t know where else to stay. The ghetto is where
mostly poor people stay. You know you’re in the ghetto when you
see all kinds of kids outside playing in the street, little kids with
no clothes or when you see babies just wearing pampers.
    To some people the ghetto is home because that’s all they
know. The opposite of the ghetto is where rich people live and are
more uptight with their kids. When I was in the ghetto I saw bums,
people getting in fights and people who don’t care.
                                                              -Julien
From The Beat: Sadly, the ghetto is home to most young children as you
point out. What do you think the ghetto needs in order to become a better
place?



                                                                             I Could Have Dies
Almost Died In A Car Chase                                                   Well in the accident I was in, me and the homeboys were messing
I have been in a crazy ride where we were trying to get away from            around peeling out and burning rubber. We were drifting around
the cops. We crashed but we all got away except some of my friends           corners and speeding when out of nowhere we hit a car and I broke
got hurt.                                                                    my leg and hit my head on the dashboard.
     We crashed into a tree going about 50mph down a side street.                 I blacked out and woke up seconds later and got out of the
There were three people in the car and I say I was the lucky one. I          car. I ran home, but went to the hospital. After that I didn't like
say God was there to protect us cause a lot of worse things could            messing around in cars because I could have died.
have happened.                                                                                                                       -Eduardo
                                                          -Vincent           From The Beat: Yes, you could have. We are glad you didn’t, and we’re even
From The Beat: You were very lucky to survive. What was going through        more glad that you decided to stop messing in cars after that. Otherwise
your mind as all of that happened?                                           you’d have wasted that second chance you got!
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 46
                                                              o uts
                                                      sta n d Fresno t s
                                                      sta n d o u County
Stand Up To Bullying                                                           The Ghetto
The things I hate to hear the most are when people try to bully                The Ghetto is a form of style. When people say, “that’s ghetto”,
others. I hate this the most because I think that's not correct, and           they probably mean that whatever they are referring to reminds
it's mean. I think that people that get bullied don't say anything,            them of the ghetto. Ghetto mentality is the state of mind, like the
and I think that's not correct for anybody not to speak up. I think,           way people talk, think, or do certain things.
in my opinion, that they should defend themselves.                                  What makes me ghetto is my mood towards certain things.
      In my opinion, if I see someone else try and bully, I would                   The ghetto is where there are run-down houses, drug dealers,
stand up and stop it because, like I said, it's not correct. I had a           and where a majority of people on welfare live. The hood is
little situation before with my older cousin and my little cousin.             basically anywhere, no matter where you live. The barrio is a very
My cousin was trying to bully my little cousin, and I stood up for             well-respected place, and the people who mainly live there are very
my little cousin and stopped my little brother.                                respectful.
                                                                –Liz                The positive aspects of the ghetto is -- that there are
From The Beat: We agree, bullying is wrong, and unfortunately we are all       none. Negative aspects about the ghetto is that there are drug
affected by it. Good for you for standing up for your little cousin, we hope
more people stand up to bullies.                                               dealers (who sell drugs in the neighborhood, and shoots up the
                                                                               neighborhood, without caring if kids or out or not.) I do not want
                                                                               any part of my life in the ghetto. The opposite of ghetto to me is
                                                                               a rich neighborhood. I am proud of living some of my life in the
The Things I Hate to Hear the Most                                             ghetto because it made me stronger. For me, the ghetto is a very
The things I hate to hear the most are when my grandma talks to                rough neighborhood.
me, but she talks really loud even though I'm right in front of her.                                                                   -Samantha
                                                                               From The Beat: You have great insights, his is a very thoughtful piece.
Sometimes, I get mad. I say something like, “Grandma, I'm right                Now that you have gotten stronger, what kind of mentality do you want
here, you don't have to talk that loud.”                                       to have? You sound like a person capable of living a successful happy life.
                                                                               Will you have to leave some of your “ghetto habits” behind?
     The worst thing about it is that she's not deaf. When I'm on
the phone, she'll be calling my name and talking, and the person
I'm talking to can hear it. Maybe she is deaf. I also hate it when
I'm outside and she calls my name so loud it echoes, especially                Saying Goodbye
when I'm on the way to the store and she forgot to tell my to get              Saying goodbye was the hardest thing on the day that my best
something.                                                                     friend passed away. She and I grew up together. She and her sister
                                                             –John             passed away last year. They were hit by a drunk driver, and got into
From The Beat: When people get old their hearing tends to go. Have
patience with your Grandma; maybe she doesn’t know how loud she                a car accident. That day, their mother lost two daughters, and was
sounds.                                                                        left with only a baby son. My friend meant a lot to me, so it hurt to
                                                                               know that I had lost her. We’d gotten into a fight, and I’m glad that
                                                                               we were able to make peace before she passed on into another life.
                                                                               I miss her the most on her birthday.
Goodbye Mom                                                                                                                                 -Pookie
The last time it was hard for me to say goodbye was when I got                 From The Beat: We are sorry for your loss but we are glad you were able
                                                                               to reconnect before she passed. On her birthday, when you miss her the
arrested. It was midnight and I was in my house. I was asleep on               most, try doing something special in her honor so you can celebrate her
my couch when five or six cops came in to arrest me.                           life in a positive way.
     My mom was with me. The cops handcuffed me, and my
mom said goodbye to me one last time. She can't come to see me
because she doesn't have her I.D. She hasn't seen me in two and a
half months. So, that was the hardest goodbye I ever had to make.
                                                                               I Am Alone
                                                                                    The thing that I hate to hear the most
                                                          -Carlos
From The Beat: We hope your connect with your mom soon! Can you write               is me telling myself that I’m alone.
her a letter?                                                                       I hate it, but I can’t stop thinking about it.
                                                                                    It goes over and over in my head,
                                                                                    “You’re alone. You’re nothing.”
                                                                                    I tell myself that I’m worthless.
The Thing That I Hate                                                               Sometimes I believe it.
                                                                                    My mind hates me.
To Hear The Most                                                                    I think that I think these things
I hate when I go over to my aunt’s house and I have to share a                      because I feel guilty for the things I have done.
twin sized bed with my cousin, who has Asthma. My cousin sleeps                     I feel so guilty that I’m punishing myself.
really hard, and makes some kind of irritating noise. Sometimes                     I tell myself that I’m dirty.
she snores extremely loud, too.                                                     I have no friends.
     If she isn’t breathing right, she turns on a machine because                   I hate hearing that voice in my head
her Asthma is really bad. The machine is really loud. Sometimes                     telling me negative things.
she makes a weird noise while snoring, and she’ll have the machine                  I don’t want to believe it, but I do.
on, too.                                                                            I try to keep the voices out, but I can’t.
     I hate it, because I can’t sleep at night. Then she’ll wake up                 I don’t know what to do or what to believe anymore.
super early –way earlier than me– so I’ll be really upset with her                  All I know is that I’m alone.
and tell her to go sleep in her mama’s room.                                                                                          -Summers
                                                       -Alexandria             From The Beat: You may be alone but you are something worthwhile. We
From The Beat: That sounds uncomfortable; maybe you could try sleeping         know the wars of the mind and we suggest positive mantras. Fake it until
on the couch. A good night sleep makes all the difference.                     you make it. Peace, luck and love.
 sta n d o u t s
sta n d o u t s
Fresno County
                                                                                                     thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                             Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                 Page 47



My Heart Hurts                                                             Saying Goodbye
My heart is telling me to do right, and do not worry. I just want to       Saying goodbye is the hardest thing when you love that person.
go home with my family. I miss them so much, and love them so              Saying goodbye is the hardest thing when they say that they’ll
much. I just want to get out of here. I do not know why I did what I       come back when you know, deep down inside, that they will never
did to be in here, I just do not want to be here no more.                  return. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing when you watch that
      I hope I go home tomorrow to be with my family.                      person pack their bags, and you know that there’s nothing you can
      Please let that happen, I just want to be in my own home and         do or say to stop them.
my own room with my sister and my dogs. I just want to be with                  Saying goodbye is the hardest thing when the last words you
my parents. Just let me go home. I missed my home. This is my              will ever hear them say are “I love you.” You watch them walk out
first time in; I am scared to be here in these clothes. I miss going       the door and count every step they take. Saying goodbye is the
outside of my house and playing with my dogs, and my brothers              hardest thing when you see them get into that car and realize that
and sisters.                                                               you will never see them again.
      It really hurts my heart. I just want to go to my family that             Saying goodbye is the hardest thing when you realize that the
I love. I do not like it in here. I hope I can go home a day early,        person who promised to come back isn’t coming back. They said
because like I said, it is just my first time in here. I do not want to    that they love you, but they’re not coming back.
be here again.                                                                                                                      -Yaritza
                                                              -Justina     From The Beat: Saying goodbye is never easy, but we all must say goodbye
From The Beat: We hope you get out and you never come back here again.     to the people we love at some point. Keep with you the good memories
                                                                           of your time together.




A Practical Joke that Didn't Work                                          A Hard Thing
Well, it was one night when we had a big sleepover with my cousins         Saying goodbye can be some of the hardest things ever done.
and our friends. We were writing on their faces, like we normally do       However, when one does not get to say goodbye, it is one of the
at sleepovers, so my cousin and I wanted to do something different.        worse things that could happen. Even though saying good-bye can
We went inside our grandpa's room and grabbed the crazy glue out.          be hard, at the end of times you feel alright, when that person goes
     We thought it would be funny to do what we were planning.             to heaven, you will feel just fine, that you got to say goodbye. Even
So we were looking for one of our friends, but couldn't find him.          though it hurts and it aches.
Then we heard someone snoring in the closet. We opened it up and                 I wish I had gotten to say goodbye to that angel high in the sky.
found him in there. We grabbed his hand, put crazy glue on his             It is so sad to say good-bye, but at the end of times it is best to say
hand, and put it on his face.                                              good-bye, because you will never know when it will be the last time
     The next morning, we woke up, thinking it was cool until we           you see that person before they go into the sky.
heard someone yelling. It was him. He had yanked his hand off his                                                                       -Hershey
face, ripping out his eyebrow, eye lashes, and the skin on his lips.       From The Beat: We agree. That means live everyday with your family as
                                                                           if it is your last.
It didn't look pretty after that.
     He was bleeding, so his mom took him to the emergency. We
felt so bad. Our parents yelled at us, and we were grounded for a
month.
                                                          –Jackbutt
                                                                           Three Questions, Three Answers
From The Beat: That’s unfortunate. We know you didn’t mean any harm        To me, the ghetto is an old, beat-down town where drugs, gangs,
but think about what you do even when you are joking.                      hookers and prostitutes live.
                                                                                My car would have 24 spinners on a white or black caddy. I
                                                                           wouldn't have a vato. I'm better off riding solo.
                                                                                I cannot imagine myself down, down, doing all the bad. That's
Saying Goodbye                                                             not where I want to be. I would like to be in a good neighborhood
A very painful goodbye that I had to go through was on January             or community with no drugs, violence, or games. I would do a good
7, 2009. I had to say goodbye to a very important part of me. My           job of raising my own family and having a good job, car, and home.
Aunt Jane had passed away due to blood clots that were in her                                                                         –Angela
legs and they unexpectedly burst. The bad part was that my Great-          From The Beat: Good. We don’t want you to imagine doing bad, or going
                                                                           even a little bit down. If you start going down then you are on the way
Grandmother, which was her Mother, had been in the hospital the            to bad.
last two months because she had a major heart attack. It was
especially hard to break the news to her that her own daughter
had died.
     This was totally unbearable to me because she meant so                The Ghetto Vs. The Hood
much to me. About three weeks went by, and I was just trying               When people say, “That's so ghetto,” they mean it isn't somewhere
to cope with the loss of my Aunt, when I get the news that My              to be at or something. I do think there's a difference between
Great-Grandmother had past away as well. At this point, I was just         the ghetto and the ‘hood because the hood doesn't always look
heartbroken.                                                               ugly. I grew up around people from the hood and it makes me feel
     Losing two of my close family members in less than a month            comfortable.
just tore me apart. I had no idea how to handle this at all. However,           I feel safe. I'm not ashamed of where I'm from. I honestly don't
with time, you slowly start to realize they are in a better place, and     care if people think I'm ghetto. I like where I'm from and the people
they will always be in your heart, no matter what.                         that I hang out with. I am not ashamed.
                                                            -Priscilla                                                                  –Leticia
From The Beat: WE are sorry for your loss, but it sounds like you have a   From The Beat: Good. You should not be ashamed of who you are or where
strong and positive outlook on things. You’re right, they will always be   you are from. There are criminal opportunities in the hood. Just ‘cause
in your heart.                                                             your from there does that mean you have to do them.
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 48
                                                           o uts
                                                   sta n d Fresno t s
                                                   sta n d o u County
The Ghetto                                                                 Good And Bad Car Stories
People see the ghetto and they talk bad about it. Well, I’m from           I have never had my own car before, but I have many car stories. I
the hood, you could call me ghetto all you want, but ain’t nothing         have good and bad ones. Starting off with one of the good ones. I
gonna change. I’m not ashamed to be called ghetto or live in the           use to live in Pennsylvania. My brother, his wife and I decided to
ghetto. I grew up in the hood, and so did my parents. When I have          drive back to Fresno, CA. It was the longest road trip for me ever. It
kids one day, they’re gonna be from the same hood I’m from so I            took us about four days just to get here. The fun part was stopping
don’t know why people are ashamed of the ghetto.                           in every state at the rest stops.
     That’s my home always. No matter where I live, I will always               We passed about seven or eight states. It was nice seeing
go back to visit the hood. You feel me? 'Cause I’m hood, hood,             different things in every state. We also rested in three different
hood. Where all the gangstas get hyphy. Like it or not, I’m who I am       hotels. It was a nice experience, and a long, long trip.
and not gonna change for anybody.                                               One of the worst things that had happened to me involving a
                                                             -Shala        car was when I went to sleep over at my cousin’s house. The next
From The Beat: It’s great to be proud of where you are from, we wouldn’t   day early in the morning, my mom came and made me go home. I
want it any other way. It’s your home! The question is how you live in
your home, how you treat yourself, how you act towards your neighbors,     asked my mom, “What was the rush?” She then explained to me
and how you set a model for the people who look up to you. Can you be      that our house had been involved in a drive-by when I was not
‘ghetto’ and positive at the same time?
                                                                           home that night. I was furious after my mom told me the problem.
                                                                                Ever since that situation happened, I do not leave my house
                                                                           at night anymore. Therefore, I know I will be there to protect my
I Can’t See Myself Being Sick or                                           family.
                                                                                                                                        -Pheng
Poor or Homeless                                                           From The Beat: You’re right, long road trips can be a lot of fun but can also
                                                                           be exhausting. Hearing about the drive-by must have been scary. Do you
I can't see myself being a bum. I see myself with a middle class life,     know why it happened. Hopefully no one got hurt.
living good with my own family. I want to live in the same hood I
stay in now. I do picture myself graduating from high school and
college with a good job. I see myself living a long life, watching my
kids grow older and have babies of their own as well.                      Saying Goodbye
     Because I see myself changing my life from bad to good, I             I think that saying goodbye is that hardest thing to do because
believe I can do it with the help of some loved ones. And that is          once I had this boyfriend, and he told me that he loved me, and I
how I see myself in the future.                                            believed him. I thought that I loved him too.
                                                              –Amber            Later on, I felt something strange. He was acting really strange.
From The Beat: What steps are you taking to make sure that you change
your life into what you want it to be? It’s great that you have support,   Then I found out that he was cheating. My heart was broken, and
what will you need your loved ones to help you with?                       I cried so much when I found out; but, at the same time, I was
                                                                           saying, “I’m so stupid!” and that I knew that this would happen.
                                                                                Later one, he text me and said, “It’s best for us not to talk
                                                                           anymore.” I was so shocked that I didn’t know what to do. It was
My Ninth Time In The Hall                                                  really hard for me to just let him go, but I manned up and said,
I am 15 years old and this is my 9th time in JJC. It's not nice to         “Okay then, I understand. Have a nice life.”
keep coming back to this place for some stupid stuff. I get tired of            I haven’t talked to him since. Even though it was really hard to
coming in and going out. I get hella bored and you have to get up          say goodbye, it’s actually way better now.
early in the morning to do some PT, and then the staff gets on my                                                                      -Marlene
nerves.                                                                    From The Beat: That guy does not sound like he is respecting you. It was
                                                                           courageous of you to completely stop talking to him, that’s not always
     They talk bull when they tell you when to go to bed at night. I       easy to do. You deserve to be treated with respect, move on and someday
don't even listen to my own mom when she tells me to go to sleep.          you’ll find someone who treats you better.
I'm ready to get out of this place. I've got a kid and I'm in here for a
dumb reason. I need to take care of my baby and my girl needs me.
                                                          -Lil' Doomie
From The Beat: We agree that you should be with your kid. Get straight
and get out and never come back (But DO write to The Beat Without and
                                                                           The Ghetto Is Everywhere
let us know how you’re doing!)
                                                                           The ghetto will follow you everywhere you go. I was brought into
                                                                           the ghetto. The ghetto is everywhere you go, from a street or a
                                                                           hood. It is everywhere, and in any country. The ghetto is what you
                                                                           make of it, and ask yourself, is it hard to leave your hood and
That'll Never Happen                                                       all your homies? Is it hard to move out your hood in the ghetto,
When I think about my future, I think about the cars, house, and           because you miss doing drugs or drinking with your homies?
career that will become my happiness. I know even though my past                Now, those were not your homies. Homies do not give you
is bad, and I've been in here ten times, my future is still bright! In     drugs or tell you lets rob somebody. When you live in the ghetto,
my future, I'll never be homeless or unhappy.                              you will soon live the life style that is around you the most. I don’t
     I can't imagine myself without a job or a diploma. I plan to          feel living in the ghetto at all.
go to college, open a restaurant, and be successful. I hope to                  Everyday my hood is at war with all my enemies. You do not
marry my girlfriend, and adopt some kids from the Philippines.             know when an enemy can come and do a drive by. We are also on a
I can't imagine myself leading a life that isn't full of success and       drug war, with other drug sellers. A crack house on every corner of
happiness.                                                                 the block. Everywhere you go on the ghetto; you must always pack
                                                               –Miah       heat, or carry a knife on you. Your enemies are everywhere you go.
From The Beat: Wow! You have a great attitude and outlook on life. What                                                                       -J
concrete steps are you taking to make sure these dreams come true, and     From The Beat: We agree that the ghetto is not the place to be. No young
that there is no eleventh time?                                            person should have to be raised in this kind of setting.
 sta n d o u t s
sta n d o u t s
Fresno County
                                                                                                        thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                     Page 49



Smashing Cars                                                                The Ghetto
I remember when my aunt and her friends were in the car driving              Some people say that the word "ghetto" means something like, if
down the street to go buy some groceries. We stopped at the light            someone tells a person he looks ghetto it's probably because he
when all of a sudden a car crashed on the front light of my aunt's           wears ugly clothes and he has torn up shoes. Or it could mean that
car. Our car skidded back and when the ambulance got there they              he probably has a messed up house, or the block he lives on is
asked us a couple of questions.                                              probably a dysfunctional place.
     After that they told us that we were free to go so my aunt took              The ghetto is for people who have dysfunctional families. Also,
me to my house and we just called it a day.                                  on the ghetto side there are gangs with guns, drugs, and money.
                                                             -Miguel         Gangs have to protect their drugs, because if they don't people will
From The Beat: Accidents always slow down the action and freeze frame
it. We’re glad you were OK.                                                  start to shoot each other and that makes a huge problem.
                                                                                                                                           -Abel
                                                                             From The Beat: Dysfunctional is a good way to put it – it’s a place where
                                                                             things don’t “function” or work, in a way that helps the people who live
                                                                             there. What do you think would need to happen to get the function back
I’m Not Going To Be A Bad Mother                                             in these communities?

I know I’m not going to be a bad mother. I know I’m not going to
stay in the same bad place I stayed for years. My kids will love and
appreciate me and they will remember my name, and tell stories
about me to their kids and their kids’ kids.                                 My Crazy Car Ride
     I want them to realize what not to be and what not to try and           One day, my cousin called me and said he was drinking at his
what route they should go on. I’m not trying to tell them how to live        friends. He told his brother and myself to go and pick up his Chevy
their lives, just to visualize and think where they are going to go,         Suburban but his brother stopped by my aunt’s house to pick up
and what they are going to become. I want to live in a place where           his sister. When we were picking up his sister, my aunt came out
my children can have a free education and a place where they feel            and said to get off and have a drink with her so my cousin said
they can be themselves. I imagine myself not being able to talk to           okay.
my children, and actually listen to them.                                          We got off and were there at my aunt’s for a while. My cousin
     These are the things I can’t imagine, and if they do, this is how       kept calling me to ask where we were so an hour and a half later we
I will fix them.                                                             left and were on the way to pick up the Suburban finally. When we
                                                               -Alexis       got there my cousin was drunk and all his friends came out with
From The Beat: We hear you saying you want to be a good parent. Have         him. My cousin wanted to go cruising and I was like, “I don’t know,
you thought about what you want to do before having kids, what kind          if you want to I guess.”
of a job you want to have, so you can support them? And what kind of
partner would you want, to help you raise your kids well?                          So then we left. I got on the freeway and we were on our way.
                                                                             We were cruising on a big street on the way back home. My cousin
                                                                             wanted to drive but I didn’t want to let him cause he was drunk and
                                                                             we stopped to talk to my cousin and my other cousin jumped into
My Cruiser                                                                   the driver seat.
I spend plenty of time using my car as a cruiser. My friends and I                 I didn’t want to go but my brother asked me to because I was
had fun. We went to a lot of places, like a restaurant and spending          the only sober one so I went. We got on the freeway and my cousin
time with family. I own an Acura Legend and I have been thinking             was swerving. A cop got on a high-speed chase and we crashed. I
about selling it. In reality, I have not had any accidents. I just move      will never forget that day. One of my friends almost died.
when the cars are moving. I stay at the speed limit and I learned                                                                         -Cinco
                                                                             From The Beat: You guys were very lucky to survive. The results could have
how to parallel park when I was 15 years old.                                been far worse. You guys could have crashed into another car and hurt
     What makes me happy is having a car that a lot of girls like.           or killed innocent people. What has this experienced taught you about
One time I drove to a bus stop and I parked there because I saw a            engaging in risky behavior?
pretty girl. Then I hollered at her and she walked over, and she gave
me her number and then we started dating.
     A few months later, our relationship went to a whole new level.
We ended up doing things in the car that you can’t imagine and I             The Ride
ended up getting a $100 ticket. I paid it, but I was mad. The only           What's crackin' Beat? Today I'm gonna write about the ride! It was
reason I was able to pay it was because I have a job, and I worked           the 4th of July, summer of 09'. My homeboy gave me a phone call
hard to pay it off. I only get paid $10 per hour.                            and said, "Let’s chill tonight." I gave him an OK and he said he'd
                                                                 -Sonic      pick me up in a little bit. He picked me up and we left.
From The Beat: It takes a lot of responsibility to own a car and it sounds        When we got there we started drinking, smoking, and
like you learned the hard way. What will you do to make sure you engage
in responsible behavior as a driver in the future?                           smacking. Another boy hit me up and asked if I could pick him
                                                                             up. On my way I picked up three more people. When we got back
                                                                             to the spot we drank and smoked some more. It was about 11:50
   I’m not trying to tell them how                                           PM when I was asked if I can drive them home before I left. I said,
                                                                             "Yeah, come on."
          to live their lives, just to                                            So as I was leaving I was going about 55mph shifting into 5th
                                                                             when one of the girls touched the stick with her knee. I slammed
   visualize and think where they                                            on the clutch, rode it, down shifted, and ended up crashing into an
                                                                             elementary school.
   are going to go, and what they                                                                                                        -Kraze
                                                                             From The Beat: Oh wow. You must have been freaked out, knowing
             are going to become.                                            children could have been killed, in addition to you and the girls you were
                                                                             with. Did this make you stop driving under the influence? We hope so.
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 50
                                                               o uts
                                                       sta n d Fresno t s
                                                       sta n d o u County
I Can’t See But I Know                                                           I Can’t Imagine Myself Not Being
Where I am Going                                                                 In And Out Of Jail!
I want to do a lot in my life. I want a good future. So far it’s not
                                                                                 Why? Because I love to have fun, party, break the rules. I can’t
going so great. When I get out of here, I want to change my ways.
                                                                                 see myself not doing that stuff; life would be so dull and boring.
But I know it’s about to be hard.
                                                                                 I also can’t see myself being homeless and on the street anymore
     Other people may not understand. They may think, what’s so
                                                                                 because it is way too damn cold, that’s why I need to get my act
hard about it? But to me, it is. I’m so used to that type of lifestyle,
                                                                                 together and stop leaving my group home.
anything else would be different. But I know if I want a good future,
                                                                                       Another thing I can’t see myself doing is staying in a group
I got a lot to change. It’s not going to happen overnight, I know it’s
                                                                                 home until I am 18. Either I will get locked up or graduate from the
going to take some time. I can’t imagine myself being in and out
                                                                                 group home program, and go to a foster home. I can’t see myself
of jail. But they way I’m going, it just might happen. But I know, I
                                                                                 failing in life any longer after this.
don’t want that for my future. My future is about to be cool! Just
                                                                                                                                             -Lorena
watch and see!                                                                   From The Beat: You are saying two different things in this piece, like
                                                              -Serena            you are being pulled in two different directions. Do you feel this way
From The Beat: You are absolutely right, it is hard. If it were easy, everyone   inside too? Conflicted? Because sure breaking rules is fun, but didn’t it
would do it. But you are a step ahead because you can see that it’s easy,        also create a lot of unhappiness in your life?
and look the challenge straight in the face. What is your next step?



                                                                                 I Love Cars
I Am Ready                                                                       I love riding in cars for some reason, especially when I’m riding
It’s hard seeing me successful. Like really, I don’t. That shhh                  with my friends. I always go on road trips with my friends. We will
seems to happen to other ninjas. For me, it’s the grind it out type              go to the river, or just ride around cruising. When I’m riding in a
of life. I don’t know what I have to do to break out of this. I want             car, I like the music to be loud and the window down.
to have boundaries. I want to be able to provide for my family, but                    I have seen a lot of stuff happen in a car. I have seen car wrecks.
I always wind up short.                                                          I have seen a car hit people and lots of other stuff. I remember
      I could get some more education and some skills, but I know                when my mom would be sleeping at night and I would take her
what I am, struggling with this in my soul. God wants to give me                 keys and smash her van. I use to drive it down the alley.
the gold. I want to accept it but still it does not come to me. What                   My mom used to let my friends drive it too, until it got
am I doing or what am I not doing? God please, I am ready. Deliver               repossessed. Then my mom got a Honda. Then I smashed it too.
it to me.                                                                        I remember I was parking it one time and I went up the curb and
                                                            -Jamalia             almost into my house.
From The Beat: Hang in there, don’t quit. Can you find positive mentors,               One time I was sitting on the car. While my mom took off in it I
join a support group, get advice? If you really want these things, there are
organizations that can help you get them!                                        was still on it, and I jumped off while she was still driving it. Then I
                                                                                 fell backwards, which hurt. But I like fast cars, my car of choice is
                                                                                 a muscle car, but I prefer a scraper on some 24s with a brand new
                                                                                 paint job.
The Ghetto                                                                                                                                        -Russell
                                                                                 From The Beat: Sounds like you’ve been in some crazy and dangerous
Well I like being in the ghetto because that's where I was raised                scenarios with cars. Cars can be a lot of fun, but remember to always be
in. I like it because it's fun and because I like to fight, and for              safe.
some reason it's because of the people there. I like walking with
my people and cruising with them. It's always loud and I feel like
it's my home.
                                                         -Eduardo                This Week’s Topics
From The Beat: It’s fun fighting, until it isn’t. Are there some ways you can    When I hear the word ghetto I think of someone who is poor and
have fun without the pain that comes with it? The people you hurt, the           doesn’t have a lot of money, people who live in low-income housing
hurt you feel, the dangers of losing your freedom or your life?
                                                                                 and people who have clothes that don’t fit. I like living in the ghetto.
                                                                                 There are a lot of things you can do and when you walk around
                                                                                 people don’t say anything to you because all of us are the same. It
I Cannot!                                                                        feels the same way when you’re up in here because when you talk
I cannot see myself behind another door and not being able to walk               to someone, they listen and want to hear what you are saying.
out when ever I want. Being told what to do and what not to do. I                     When I am in other people’s cars I don’t feel right. I think to
cannot see myself asking someone to use the restroom and get                     myself, does this person know how to drive or is the car stolen?
some water. I cannot see myself wearing other people’s clothing                  The car I want to own one day is a 64 Mustang with a 5.0 motor,
again.                                                                           with two white stripes from the trunk to the hood.
     Eating some nasty cold beans and unable to see my family. I                      What I see myself not doing is going to the pen for some
cannot and will not see myself in another jail or prison. I cannot               years. I don’t see myself walking around with no shoes or asking
see myself stressing at night before court. Seeing my mom in so                  for money and sleeping under a bridge and going to the homeless
much pain. I will not suffer lack of sleep each night again. I cannot            shelter. I do not see myself doing drugs when I am older. I see
see myself having to gamble my food with cellmates to satisfy my                 myself getting out of here and going to the NFL and playing for the
hunger. I cannot see myself in this corrupt system anymore.                      49ers one day. I can imagine myself walking across the stage and
                                                                -Flipp           getting a high school diploma and making my mom proud.
From The Beat: It sounds like you have a lot of motivation and drive to                                                                        -Maurice
improve your current situation so that you never have to be in it again.         From The Beat: Wow, thanks for taking the time to share your positive
We’ll be there to support you!                                                   mindset and wonderful writing with us!
 sta n d o u t s
sta n d o u t s
Fresno County
                                                                                                            thebeatwithin.org
                                                                                                                     Volume 16.12/13
                                                                                                                                           Page 51



My Closest Call                                                                 The Ride
Last year before I got locked up my dad used to let me borrow his               The worse car wreck I have seen in my entire life was when I was
car, and I liked driving his car because I went everywhere and was              going to my brother's house. My brother and I were close by his
out late. It was a 1996 Mustang and it was a cool car.                          house but we were on the busy street. There was a black truck in
     I remember one day I asked my dad to let me borrow the car                 front of us. He was driving kind of crazy and he was driving fast.
and he let me. I went to a party and got drunk and high. When I was                  My brother was honking the horn at him, but he wasn't
on my way to the store with my boy to get some beer we saw a cop. I             listening. He kept driving crazy. So I was thinking he was drunk
got scared because I thought he was going to pull me over. I tried to           driving. We were going by a pole and he was driving near it and he
look older. When we got to the store I told my friend to drive back             was still going fast. Then he hit the pole so hard his engine came
because he had his license, so it was all good that day.                        out.
     I didn't go home that night because I didn't want to get pulled                 We thought he was dead because he wasn't getting out of his
over for being drunk. That was my closest call. Well that's all Beat,           car. We went to help him and went near his car. When we were near,
I'm chillin' here up in my pod training to switch pods.                         he got out and started limping, so we thought his leg was broken.
                                                         -Lil Smiley            He sat down on the curb and he called the police.
From The Beat: We’re glad you didn’t get caught drunk driving. Both you              I was glad he wasn't dead.
and your dad would have to pay then. Did you ever do it again? Or did you
learn from this close call?                                                                                                                -Jimari
                                                                                From The Beat: We are glad he is alright, although his car isn’t. The price
                                                                                of drinking and driving is too high. It’s not worth it. Imagine if he’d killed
                                                                                someone else, and would have to have that on his shoulders for the rest
                                                                                of his life!
I Would Like To Break The Chain
I can't imagine myself doing a lot of things. First off, I couldn't see
myself not graduating high school. Graduating at least high school
would make my family proud of me and I would be too. I cannot see               Seeing Myself For The Better
myself as a homeless person on drugs.                                           What I can imagine myself doing is being somebody big. I cannot
     I was raised better than that. I would like to break the chain.            be a teacher because I don’t have those skills, but I keep trying
Meaning, most of my family has been through the struggle, or is                 then I know I can. Also I want to be someone with a good record,
going through it, and I know how to avoid that mess, if only I'd get            because I am already in here, so that’s forever. If I could take it
my head out of my butt. I couldn't see myself strung out on drugs               back, I would take it all back, just imagine that. I cannot see myself
period. I was raised better than that. I just need to show my family            in another jail being locked up. I do not like being in here.
and myself.                                                                          If I were to get out, I would never come back. I miss my family
                                                                –Meme           and I love them so much, I cannot take it anymore in here. All
From The Beat: Rock on, but just because you were raised a certain way          I want to do is be on the outside and spend the rest of my life
doesn’t mean these things couldn’t happen. Did ever see yourself being
locked up for example? What can you do to control where and how you             outside with my family, and not be behind the walls.
end up?                                                                              I cannot imagine myself in here anymore. I just want out and
                                                                                when I get out, I am going to cry and hug my family, and tell them
                                                                                how much I love them. I do not like seeing my mom suffer, and also
                                                                                my family. I know they do not like to see me like that way, and I
It’s Called Life                                                                know for sure that they are never going to see me like that again. I
     Do I find life or does life                                                miss them so much, that I just want to break out already.
     Find me with every door                                                         I cannot not see myself in that cop car anymore. I am going to
     Opening, did reality find                                                  make sure that I am not in here anymore. I am going to make sure
     Me or did I find reality                                                   that I have one big loving family.
     With every thought                                                                                                                       -Shawn
     Hidden left and right                                                      From The Beat: We can tell that you really miss your family. But you just
                                                                                have to be strong and hang on until you get out because when you do,
     Did the mine frame and thought                                             you can really have the experience that you want with your family. How
     Find me or did the thought find me                                         will you make sure you never end up in the hall again?
                                                                -Unknown
From The Beat: There are some deep thoughts in this poem, the kinds that
keep people up at night. As for life, you’re living it right now. Do you feel
that?
                                                                                I Can’t See Good
                                                                                I can't imagine myself doing the right thing like staying out of
                                                                                JJC. This is my second time in here, but for being my second
My Princess                                                                     time, I might be hitting CYA and I'm just barely a teenager! Being
                                                                                so young and hitting CYA, that's not good for me, but you know
I can't wait to get out and spend time with the love of my life. She
                                                                                things happen. It's not like I can go back and change my past, but
is the most amazing thing in my life besides my family. She stayed
                                                                                I'm going to change my future.
with me through all this drama and she's the only thing that keeps
                                                                                     I don't want to keep coming back to a place like this. It's not
me from doing bad.
                                                                                good in here. There are some nasty food that people don't like to
     Her name's Misty. I just can't wait to marry her. Her personality
                                                                                eat. But we chose to be in here. It's not like we could go back and
is nice and good. Another good thing about her is she's a twin and
                                                                                change our lives, or else we would.
I'm also a twin. So, we might have twins, but I just want her to
                                                                                                                                            -Author
know that I will always love her forever.                                       From The Beat: It sounds like you a part of you thinks you can’t imagine
                                                                -Juan           the good, and another part of you is already trying to get there. We have
From The Beat: We are glad you have found someone you want to be with.          faith in that second part of you. CYA is no place to be, but for a person
We hope you can get out and be together – and then stay together by not         with intelligence, it doesn’t have to be the end. Like you say – the past is
getting caught back up in the system!                                           done, but you still get to make your future!
thebeatwithin.org
Volume 16.12/13
Page 52
                                                            o uts
                                                    sta n d Fresno t s
                                                    sta n d o u County
Car Thief Story                                                             The Ghetto
My story about a car is when one of my friends and I drove across                Most people think the ghetto is
town. We were driving to Los Angeles. It was my first time actually              A hood, but it’s not. The ghetto
driving a long way without a parent. I was cool because I got to see             Is mostly houses that are abandoned
a lot of stuff. I saw car accidents, and high speed chases. It was               Or messed up. Street signs turned. Etc…
pretty cool to be able to see all of that stuff.                                 The ghetto and the hood is something
     I have also had a lot of bad events involving cars. One of them             Way different. The hood is where
was with my brother’s car getting broken into. My brother and I                  You are from and something you bag
were going out to the car to leave and we seen him, so I started to              Up. The ghetto is a part of town
run after him with a bat and I got close to him and then my brother              A place where you can relax and
pulled in front of him with the car. My brother got out and I hit him.           The ‘hood is where you have to watch
Nevertheless, I am getting a little too far into it, so that is my car           Your back before someone shoots you or
story.                                                                           Jumps you. That’s my way of
                                                                 -Paul           Speaking about the ghetto…
From The Beat: Sorry to hear about your brother’s car, but hopefully you
guys didn’t mess up the guy. Is there another way you could have resolved                                                                  -P. Macc’n
this situation instead of resorting to violence?                            From The Beat: Sounds like there’s a lot of stress in the life you describe…
                                                                            do you think this is what your life will always be like, or do you have a
                                                                            different idea for your future?


Unimaginable
In the future, I can’t see myself not doing something. I can’t and
don’t want to see myself not going anywhere in life. I am going
                                                                            Laying Out My Plans
                                                                            When I think about my future I see success, happiness, and what
to go to school and graduate with a degree in whatever it is that           could be called the perfect life. When I look back and think about
I decide to do. I see myself as a teacher, musician, historian, or          all the things I’ve done, I notice that my actions have given me a
following a career path in one of the things I like to do.                  negative future. So now I’m trying to change my ways in life so my
     I can’t possibly imagine what it would be like without at least        future will change into a positive one.
a high school diploma, and some sort of college education. I can’t               I plan on attending school every day, so I can graduate high
see myself watching everyone I know and love growing up, and                school. With a high school diploma I can get a job where I can make
moving on with their lives; while I’m left standing there asking            good money. My money that I get should provide me with my wants
myself what happened, wondering what happened to my friends,                and needs. With this future plan I see myself being successful with
my family.                                                                  a nice home, nice car, and a fridge full of food.
     I can’t imagine myself at rock bottom saying, “What do                      With all these things, I can start my own family. Hopefully I
I do now?” but knowing that there’s nothing I can do, because               will be happy especially if I do the right things that I know will get
I’ve already messed up too much. That’s the future that I cannot            me in a better situation than I am in now. I know this is going to be
imagine myself being in.                                                    hard and takes a lot of work, but to me it will be worth it.
                                                           -Still Life                                                                    -Ethan
From The Beat: You imagine some great things for yourself and we know       From The Beat: It sounds like you’re setting yourself up for success! That’s
you can get there. Believe in yourself as much as we believe in you.        wonderful to hear. On the other hand, there may be times when you stray
                                                                            from your plans. What will you do during those times to get yourself back
                                                                            on track?


A Teenage Heart
    Another day has went by
    Another night to cry why                                                So Many Things
                                                                            The things I can’t see myself without is my family, friends, food,
    I couldn’t get it through my head
                                                                            TV, sports, and girls. The reason I can’t see myself without any
    This is where I am going to stay
                                                                            family is because I have been around them all my life. They are
    If I continue ahead
                                                                            the main people I care about the most, and I would do anything
    Gone is what I’ll most likely be
                                                                            for them.
    If I end up in the pen
                                                                                 That’s why when I get out; I’m not going to mess up anymore,
    I often think of my elementary days
                                                                            so I can be there with my family when anything happens. I love my
    When I didn’t have to worry about getting sprayed
                                                                            family and will do anything for them.
    By old friends I used to play with
                                                                                 I can’t live without food because it is delicious. There are
    I choose the other way, the other friends,
                                                                            many different types of it and I like a lot of it. I like to watch TV
    And found happiness in what I gained
                                                                            because it tells me what’s going on in our world and it keeps me
    Even though in the future it will cause me pain
                                                                            occupied for a long time. There are shows that interest me.
    In many ways, I would not need to explain
                                                                                 I can’t live without being active or doing sports. I love playing
    Life is hard coming from a teenage heart
                                                                            sports because it keeps me active and healthy, and it is something
    My life is young, even though I have had a hard run
                                                                            fun to do with friends. I also can’t live without girls. That’s only
    I’ve come close to the end on a few occasions
                                                                            because I love women and want to find love in my life. I think that’s
    So I will hold on to the last breath
                                                                            what can make life better for me so I don’t’ end up locked up or in
    Till the impact rips my chest
                                                                            prison.
    Causing me to make one last request
                                                                                                                                            -Ivico
    Let the time take the rest                                              From The Beat: These are all things we need in our life to stay happy,
                                                                  -John     healthy and productive. What plans do you have to make sure you don’t
From The Beat: Beautiful poem, John. Thank you for sharing it with us.      return to the hall?
      t
thebea without
    Not everyone is what they appear to be. A lot of people regardless if        The Beat Without
                                                                                  Reginald A. Goison
    you are in prison or not have secrets and things that you could never
    tell just from looking at them. Behind peoples eyes can be a lot of pain
    and hidden worries. Reginald Goison who wries us from Pleasant Valley
    State Prison in Coalinga, CA, shares with us what you can see from
    looking into his eyes...


                                                                                 Can you see the tears
    Grown Man                                                                    that wont stop pouring
         Another bottle being popped

                                                                                 out of me
         Another thought being stopped
         All this stress Is building up
         I just about had enough
         Cause for years ive lived in a dark world
         And could never forget the face of a grown man shedding                 Look Into My Eyes
         tears                                                                     Look into my eyes and tell me what you see
         Behind a mean mug                                                         Can you see the burning hatred eating at me
         Cause that grown man ready                                                Look into my eyes and tell me what you see
         To take his life just for freedom                                         Can you see the loneliness that keeps on haunting me
         Cause that grown man locked in a box                                      Look into my eyes and tell me what you see
         I bet my people wouldn’t notice me                                        Can you see the tears that wont stop pouring out of me
         If they did they’d get up and run from me                                 Look into my eyes and tell me what you see
         They use to call me Mr. nice                                              Can you see the fears that surrounding me
         Way back before this dark poison invaded my veins                         Look into my eyes and tell me what you see
         And made me insane                                                        Can you see where the love used to be
         Now when I close my eyes                                                  Look into my eyes and tell me what you see
         I see hate, pain and misery                                               Can you see the evil that’s taking over me
         There friends to me close like kin                                        Look into my eyes and tell me what you see
         You don’t see life man                                                    Can you see the suicidal thoughts growing in me
         ‘Cause I’m a grown man                                                    Look into my eyes and tell you cant see all of these
         Grown man locked in a box                                                 emotions deep inside me



 You'll recognize me by the loud slamming doors
 I am a prison

                                                                                        Steven J. Avalos
    Some are in prison but are in a prison within themselves. They feel so
    locked up in there mind and spirit that even when you're free it can feel
    like you're still locked up. This is how Steven J Avalos feel in this poem
    he has written to us from Oakland, CA.




    I Am A Prison                                                                 I have no answers
                                                                                  So don't ask me why
         I am a prison
                                                                                  I put those tears in your children’s eyes
         I'm damp and I’m cold
                                                                                  I am a prison
         I hold men that are young
                                                                                  Where nobody wants to be
         And men that are old
                                                                                  I confine men who were once free
         I'm surrounded by fences and gates that have locks
                                                                                  I control their pace
         my walls are all made of concrete blocks
                                                                                  I slow down their stride
         I am a prison
                                                                                  I strip them of dignity. I take their pride
         And I’m feared by all
                                                                                  like animals that you might put in a cage
         I'll give you a chill
                                                                                  I contain these men and watch them age
         When you hear me call
                                                                                  I am a prison
         Your name becomes a number
                                                                                  I am full of despair
         Your face just another
                                                                                  I can be a mans worst nightmare
         I'll show you no pity
                                                                                  I've been here many years and will be many more
         I am not your mother
                                                                                  You'll recognize me by the loud slamming doors
         I am a prison
                                                                                  I am a prison
         Designed to be rough
                                                                                  A place you don’t want to live
         I am where society houses its tough
                                                                                  I've so much to take but nothing to give
         Nobody has beat me
                                                                                  But there is one who does
         Though many have tried
                                                                                  And he hears all your pleas
         But mostly they all still remain inside
                                                                                  So pray to the Lord Jesus for He has the keys



thebeatwithin.org   Volume 16.12/13                                                                                                  Page 53
      t
thebea without
The Beat Without
Frank Ramirez
                                                                         Frank Ramirez writes to us from Ironwood State Prison in Blythe,
                                                                         California, and he shares with us what it is like inside the prison walls.
                                                                         How lonely and depressing it is and how it can drive you crazy. You can
                                                                         almost even imagine what he is feeling just through his words.



  The Prison Game                         Blind to the outside
                                          Nowhere to run
      Drab grey walls
                                          No where to hid
      Cold steel cage
      Left 24 hours
                                          Vindictive police              These Lonely Walls
                                          Chase cheap thrills                 If you could see life
      To build up rage                                                        Through these lonely eyes
                                          Tower await
      Voices scream                                                           You'd see the need for my disguise for who I am I
                                          Easy Kills
      When souls are lost                                                     Hold within holding my thoughts
                                          Restricted space
      Concrete Walls                                                          Behind this grin for time has
                                          Drives you insane
      Cold like frost                                                         Ways to make you strong when
                                          Another victim
      Trapped and alone                                                       You are not where you belong
                                          Of the prison game
                                                                              All people know is what they
                                                                              Are told makes them believe my
                                                                              Heart is cold with time I pay
  What Am I Afraid Of                                                         For my mistakes as they all try
  I am not afraid of death, nor of pain. I am afraid of my family             My will to break but inside
  dying and not being able to tell them goodbye. I am afraid of my            Of me are walls of my own
  children forgetting me, and my grand kids never knowing me.                 Harder than brick or even of
  I am afraid of never being able to hold them in my arms, nor                Stone they're part of a home
  feeling the bate of your heart next to mine. Most of all I am afraid        That's waiting to be complete
  of losing you before we ever had our moment in life.                        Once again...




Clarence Reese
                                                                         We can feel sometimes that we were born with a curse or just born to
                                                                         do wrong and that is why we are in the situation that we're in. Maybe
                                                                         that is true, and maybe it isn't. There is a plan for all of us and it is up
                                                                         to each person individually if we follow it or not. If not, then we might
                                                                         become “sheep to wolves in the pen” as Clarence Reese tells us. He
                                                                         writes to us from Kern Valley State Prison in Delano CA.

  Governor Jerry Brown                                                      Amidst leaves
      I was but a kid
      Chained to men                                                        Souls the wind blew
      While so young                                                        Hopefully to be gathered or stored
      Even sentenced harsher then the men fate has hung                     For a certain point in time
      They tell me kid what crime casts a boy amidst men                    Are the souls
      My reply “is youth”                                                   Who rather be gathered or stored
      My youth is sheep to wolves in the pen                                Opposed to rid of like its prime
      To be abused, harassed, mislead                                       Which heart represents you
      And used till all hope escapes away                                   The one that believes
      Leaving nothing but anger                                             Or the heart that don’t
      To fill the void emptiness came to display                            Am I human or paper
      Sometimes I ponder                                                    Like a check who could but won't
      Should I curse life for being born                                    Upon ending
      Or its bed of roses                                                   The sun sets, dust settles and smoke will clear
      Whose beauty I observe pierced by lives torn                          While you cry the tear, you've felt
      Then I think                                                          Yet held from me
      Life makes mistakes                                                   Never letting near
      And leaves victims like unlucky few                                   Near til its to late, for me
      Rather unlucky or unfortunate                                         Societies forgotten tear of a tear



Page 54                                                                                                    Volume 16.12/13 thebeatwithin.org
      t
thebea without                                                               The Beat Without
                                                                                        William Chapiar
    William Chaplar is a new contributor who has been introduced to The
    Beat by our long time friend, Ismail Rahman. William writes from Wynne
    Unit in Huntsville, Texas. Thank you and welcome! ,




    The Power of Dismissal                                                    Stay the Course
    Whether Hip Hop music is art or not is a matter of individual             The Olympic Games have always provided truly motivational
    taste. Since it cannot be argued, however, that it is a form of           stories, but one in particular should be recalled whenever
    expression, then those who perform it have the right to do so.            someone is thinking about giving up. In the 1968 summer
    If the lyrics are too violent, too degrading to women, or too             games in Mexico City, the marathon was won by Mamo Wolde of
    accepting of the drug culture, then that’s society’s problem and          Ethiopia. But the real hero of the event crossed the finish line
    society needs to do something about it. Rather than poking                over an hour after Wolde’s triumph.
    holes in the First Amendment, though, perhaps a different tactic               John Akwari of Tanzania had fallen earlier on the course
    should be employed by your generation.                                    and seriously injured his knee. When he entered the stadium,
         In 1999, a song came out entitled, “Everybody’s Free to              he was bloodied and bandaged but he still crossed the line.
    Wear Sunscreen.” It’s perfectly understandable if you’ve never            When asked later why he didn’t quit, he answered, “My country
    heard of it. I would hazard a guess that very few people have. And        did not send me 7000 miles to start the race. They sent me 7000
    therein lies the problem (and hopefully the solution). You see,           miles to finish it.”
    the song was highly motivational to teenagers. Indeed, it was                  Today, high school students face a myriad of obstacles on
    initially a commencement address that was put to music. And yet           their road to that all-important diploma. There are high-stakes
    it was allowed to come and to go virtually unnoticed. Meanwhile,          exams, curriculum changes, teacher lay-offs, and a host of other
    any song perceived as being negative quickly becomes a target             hurdles that can make finishing school seem like running a
    for decency police squads nationwide, who rush to provide the             marathon with an injured knee. But whenever the road seems
    song with as much free publicity as possible.                             impassable, just think back to that very first day you went to
         But wouldn’t it be a better use of energy and resources for          school. Your parents probably did all they could to prepare you
    the forces of morality to rally behind songs like “Everybody’s            to embark on your educational journey. And it’s highly unlikely
    Free to Wear Sunscreen” and ignore the gangsta rap? I may                 that they made the sacrifices they did so that you could start
    be naïve, but it seems to me that such a tactic might cause the           that journey. They made them with the hope that you might one
    gangsta rap to fad e into musical obscurity. An excellent way to          day finish it.
    test this theory would be to ask your parents if they have any
    recollection of the Sunscreen song. My guess is that they won’t.
    Such is the power of dismissal. Maybe your generation will be
                                                                             Your parents probably did all they could
    able to figure out how to dismiss the bad and praise the good.           to prepare you to embark on your educa-
    Mine sure couldn’t.
                                                                             tional journey. And it’s highly unlikely that
                                                                             they made the sacrifices they did so that
    Those Who Can…                                                           you could start that journey. They made
         There’s a saying that, “those who can, do.”
         But that’s only partially true.                                     them with the hope that you might one
         ‘Cause it can’t be forgot
         That they wouldn’t know squat                                       day finish it.
         If a teacher had not gotten through.

                                                                              Fill It Up
    School Daze                                                                   Positive thinking and resilience differ quite a lot,
                                                                                  So here’s a way to figure out which one of these you’ve got.
         In school it’s real hard to compete
                                                                                  Positive thinking looks at life as being a half-full cup.
         When you spend all your time in the street.
                                                                                  Resilience sees it half-empty, then tries to fill it up.
         Never tryin’ to get educated,
         Math and science are things to be hated.
         You spend all day actin’ a fool;
         Just another punk breakin’ the rules.
         Soon the other kids leave you behind
                                                                              Talents
                                                                                  The talents we possess are what allow us to excel,
         While they all try to broaden their minds.
                                                                                  And each of us can claim at least a few.
         Scared to bring your report card to Mama;
                                                                                  So rather than improving at those things you don’t do well,
         Still don’t know what to do with a comma.
                                                                                  Get more proficient at those things you do.
         Failed more classes than you wanna tell,
         Now you can’t read and write very well.
         Don’t do nothin’ in school except play.
         Probably end up in prison one day.                                   On Being Taught
         But it’s cool because you ain’t to blame;                                How much will you mourn in the end,
         Your failure’s the school system’s shame.                                When your eyes they have seen their last years,
         But it’s your life that’s a half-empty cup,                              How you’ve always despised being taught;
         So stop playin’ dumb and grow up!                                        How, to teachers, you turned a deaf ear?


thebeatwithin.org   Volume 16.12/13                                                                                                   Page 55
      t
thebea without
The Beat Without                                                              When you're locked up nothing is funny. You have to watch your back



Robert Ramirez
                                                                              double the amount than you would on the streets. Life ain't no joke
                                                                              when you're in jail and Robert Ramirez isn't joking around. He writes to
                                                                              us from Santa Rita County Jail in Dublin, California.




  No Joke                                                                       And play this game how it goes
                                                                                There ain’t telling if I’ll win or get washed by the system
      Shhh aint no joke when yo’ life’s on the line
                                                                                Rest in peace lil Rick
      A product of the streets
                                                                                I swear to god that I miss him
      Who fell victim to doing time
                                                                                Life has its ways of taking wrong turns
      Paper and books seem to be my best friend
                                                                                That leave you with a thousand questions
      Work outs keep me focused
                                                                                And a feeling that burns
      Pushing hard till the end
                                                                                I accept shit for what it is
      I wake up every day
                                                                                Because it was all meant to happen
      Roll up my shhh and sip coffee
                                                                                My door racked
      Clean my cell a million times
                                                                                It's pod time now lets make this shhh happen
      ‘Cause I think it looks sloppy
                                                                                A real leader of my squad
      As I walk to chow
                                                                                I don’t know what’s left to happen
      I send mines thru the glass
                                                                                Keep my mouth shut and listen
      Another day to tackle on the edge
                                                                                Because I ain’t with too much yeppin
      Ready to flash
                                                                                I'll let my ink pen speak for me
      Hardship and struggle is all the kid knows
                                                                                And tell you what I’m thinkin’
      So ant my feet firm with my people
                                                                                As I mob through this week and mob harder for the weekend




DeAngelo Cortijo
                                                                              Prison is nothing but a community, according to DeAngelo Coritjo,
                                                                              who shares with us what it is like in a few lines. He writes to us from
                                                                              Pleasant Valley State Prison in Coalinga, California.




  Caught Up in Prison                                                       back to a sharp tip.
                                                                                  I'm still in college, at Coastline Community College taking
  For a while I told myself that I will not succomb to the conditions
                                                                            political science and business English. I still play chess, but the
  of prison: in short, that I will not become institutionalized, but life
                                                                            outside seems like a fantasy, it seems like a dream.
  here I find myself getting caught up in the bullshhh, the politics,
                                                                                  This place is set up like a society, with guys getting pimped,
  and I realize that this place is taking away my intellect, and
                                                                            and in the closet fags paying for sexual favors, drug dealing, all this
  autonomy. The social I'm surrounded by punks, queers, killers,
                                                                            shhh. I can't get into detail about it, but this shhh is crazy. I view
  rapists, and people who think they’re the next (John) Gotti, but in
                                                                            this as follows; you put a mouse with a bunch of other mouses
  reality their not shhh.
                                                                            in an area, and you set up 24 hours surveillance, and study the
       Fake gang/race leaders that I know are dumb, and weak. I
                                                                            interactions like an experiment. Where they see you smoke, sell,
  stopped thinking outside the box, and I put my thoughts back
                                                                            and you thi k your getting away with it, but your not, because your
  inside the box. Maybe its because of the non-intellectual books
                                                                            on camera 24/7. you can work, or choose to be lazy, or deal drugs,
  they have here, or because of all the stupidity surrounding me. I
                                                                            it’s just like a society, except that females are harder to come by
  don't know what it is, all I know is that I need to sharpen my mind
                                                                            to a certain extent. This is inhumane.




Tony Baker                                                                    We welcome Tony Baker, who sends this message from the California
                                                                              Medical Facility in Vacaville, CA. This week Tony speaks on “Fear.”



  Fear
  Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear
  is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our
  darkness, that frightens us.
       We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented,
  fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We are all children
  of God; your playing small does not serve the world; there is
  nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t
  feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of
  God that is within us; it is in everyone; and as we let our lights
  shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the
  same. So, my dear youth, as you are liberated from your own
  fear, your presence automatically liberates others; and with this
  in mind, fear not and push forward…


Page 56                                                                                                        Volume 16.12/13 thebeatwithin.org
      t
thebea without The Beat Without Throwbacks!
                                                                              Eddie M. Vargas Sr.
    It has been many years since we last heard from the mighty Eddie M.
    Vargas Sr., who wrote the following piece from Mule Creek State Prison,
    Ione, CA. This piece was first published in Beat issue 7.22. Eddie Sr.
    tackled the topic of why people continue to re-offend. We think you’ll
    appreciate his insight. We also hope to be hearing from Eddie one of
    these days, he has always made a point to reach out to us and check
    in. We first met Eddie Sr, thanks to his son Eddie Jr. who was once in
                                                                              with what caused you to turn to drugs. Most times people tend
    our weekly workshops many many years in ago in Santa Clara County.        to not deal with the issues or problems at hand and and that’s
                                                                              where the problem begins and that’s where the system comes in
                                                                              play. When it’s all over, said and done, and you are forced to deal
    No One Answer                                                             with those problems, it’s that much more harder to deal with,
    In all honesty, there is no one answer as to why people re-offend         and along with all you’ve done, it's brought more problems to
    and do the things they do. It is a fact though that once you get          deal with. As we have failed ourselves, we’ve no one to blame but
    caught up in the system’s web of deceit, you can assure yourself          ourselves because from the time we are born to the day we die,
    a life of misery and of self-destruction, because the system is not       we alone have the sole right to decide how we choose to live our
    built or made to rehabilitate, because if it were, they wouldn’t be       life. Sure, as children, minors, adults, citizens, we are governed
    building new facilities to house those of you who continue to play        by rules, guidelines, laws, etc., and we can either follow them
    the system’s game.                                                        and walk a straight line or we can go against them and suffer the
          Once the system has a hold of you, it’s hard to break away          consequences. My point is the decision is yours alone, and you
    from that hold. There are programs designed to try and rehabilitate       can either offend or reoffend, and whatever you choose, you alone
    individuals who are in need of different types of rehabilitation such     will suffer the consequences “without excuses.”
    as, drug problems, anger management, depression, self-abuse,                    I’ve know people who have tried to do the right thing and make
    abuse by others, etc. But the real problem is those responsible           a positive change out in the free world, but they failed in their
    for trying to rehabilitate the ones in need are so overloaded with        attempts because they weren’t given a chance or the opportunity
    large caseloads that not every individual gets the proper care            to prove themselves, and in turn, they were forced to commit
    or attention they so much need, and in turn, it makes those               crimes just to survive. I’m not excusing their actions, but how
    individuals feel neglected and not worthy of their time.                  do you parole a man from prison with $200.00, the clothes on his
          I honestly believe the main reasons most people reoffend is         back, and nothing more, and expect him to have a fair chance out
    out is out of peer pressure, lack of proper parental supervision,         in the free world, especially when he’s got no loved ones or home?
    drugs and criminal activity. It’s sad that nowadays people tend to        It just ain’t gonna happen, and nine out of ten people released
    pay more attention to their peers rather than their family, parents       under those type of circumstances are gonna end up reoffending.
    and loved ones. You ain’t cool if you don’t go along with the in                I’ve also known people paroled from prison with nice homes
    crowd or the ones you kick it with, monkey see, monkey do, and            and families to go to, even a nice job, but for some reason that’s
    that’s what it comes down to because if you go against the ways           still not enough and many in that situation end up reoffending.
    of your in crowd, then you risk being outcastby them and it’s that        Why? Well, like I said, there is no one reason as to why, because
    doubt and fear that’s placed inside your head that causes you not         every person/case is different and everyone has their reasons why
    to think twice about your actions until it’s too late and you’ve          they choose to keep the system in their lives. We can say that the
    reoffended.                                                               system doesn’t do enough to rehabilitate these people. We can say
          Many times nowadays there is only one parent home raising           there aren’t enough programs. We can say the laws are to lenient
    the kids or the parents are so caught up with other things that they      or not harsh enough. One can say whatever they choose to, but
    fail to give their children the proper love, guidance and attention       I honestly believe that until people start showing an appreciation
    that they so much deserve and that causes them to stray away and          for themselves and their freedom people will continue to reoffend.
    look elsewhere for some type of attention so they’re acknowledged         It shouldn’t be up to the system or anybody else to rehabilitate a
    and recognized. If parents or guardians would just take a moment          person, instead, it should be up to that one person to rehabilitate
    each and every day to spend with their children and at the same           themselves. If a person is in need of a push to get them going in
    time give them a voice of their own to be heard, then maybe, just         the right direction, then seek it, ask for it, need it and want it, but
    maybe, that would be just enough to fuel that fire within their           don’t abuse it as we so often do.
    hearts to keep them warm, comforted, and feeling needed rather                  The reasons why I continue to reoffend is because I didn’t
    than just let their heart turn cold and callused. A warm heart            give a damn about anyone but myself and I was too immature to
    leads to positive things, a cold heart leads to destruction and           realize the consequences of my actions in the long run. Back then
    negativity.                                                               I’d commit a crime, get busted, they’d slap me on the hand and let
          Drugs play a big role in why most people reoffend because           me go, but it ain’t like that nowadays and the consequences now
    when you're on drugs you don’t think right or act right and               for your actions are much more harsh.
    nowadays most drug programs don’t offer enough attention to                     I’ve been involved with the system since the age of seven and
    each individual or assistance to be a successful program so, how          it wasn’t until my late twenty’s that I finally realized that this was
    is one to cure their habit or so-called need for using drugs? Most        not the life for me. I wanted to be able to make a life and future
    people are not strong enough to just kick their habit cold turkey         not only for myself, but mainly for my four children. I wanted to
    or by themselves ,and if the program isn’t right, then how are they       be able to be there for them to watch and help them grow, and I
    expected to get right? Whether it’s drugs or alcohol, while one is        just wanted to be a productive person in society. Believe me, I
    under the influence of one or both, you’re no longer in control of        tried, and it wasn’t easy. I applied for jobs at various places just
    your actions. Sure, they may relieve you of feelings or thoughts          to be able to have some type of legitimate employment, but no one
    you wish not to feel or deal with at the time, but the high doesn’t       would give me the time of day. I believe a lot of why I was turned
    last forever, and the more you use, the better your chances of            away and down from so many jobs was because of my appearance
    getting strung-out are.                                                   and criminal background. Tattooed from head-to-toe and having
          In the meantime, sooner or later you’re gonna be faced to deal      spent more time incarcerated than out in the free world, would
                                                                                                                                 continued on next page



thebeatwithin.org   Volume 16.12/13                                                                                                           Page 57
      t
thebea without
The Beat Without Throwbacks!
Eddie M. Vargas Sr. cont.
  continued from previous page

  you hire me? I think not and I wouldn’t blame you either. But                 I’ve said before that I’ve known people who work for the system
  see, had just one of those companies given me a chance and hired        that really do care and will do all they can to help you succeed in
  me, they would never have regretted it because I was determined         life, but there are more who just don’t give a damn about you, and
  to succeed in life and leave the system behind for good.                regardless if you make it or not, they still get paid and because of
     Still, I didn’t let this discourage me one bit because I knew what   that, the system has many flaws and the bad outnumber the good
  the consequences would be had I allowed my criminal instincts to        in the system.
  take over. Being that I was unable to find employment, instead,               My main reason for reoffending this last time was because I
  I enrolled in college to occupy my time and better my education         chose not to be responsible or take responsibility. Drugs were not
  value for future job opportunities. It was hard for me because I        an issue because I’ve been drug-free since 1985. I don’t blame the
  was unable to properly provide for my family in the way I wanted        way I am because I didn’t have a father in my home. 80% of the
  to, but I was out, and I was there for them and doing the right thing   time growing up, I made my own decisions without any pressure
  like I knew I had to. With a snap of my finger I knew I could have a    from anyone or anything. I was abused as a child and still didn’t
  wad of bills in my pocket, and it was very tempting, but I was free     lash out in in a negative way because of that. It wasn’t due to a
  and that’s what was more important.                                     lack of love or attention in my home because I was very much
      Then one day, my whole world came tumbling down. It was my          loved and very spoiled at that. So why did I reoffend? Because
  past that caught up to me and they really hit it to me this time. I’m   I was irresponsible verbally, mentally and physically. Now I’m a
  now on the tenth year of my life sentence, and not one day goes by      lifer. Any questions?
  that I don’t wish I’d have opened my eyes when I had the chance.              My name is Eddie M. Vargas, Sr., and I’m a father of four. Born
       My innocence or guilt is not the issue here, the issue is I had    and raised in San Jose, California. I’m a lifer with hope that one
  many, many opportunities to straighten up my act and do the right       day soon, I’ll win back my freedom through my appeal. I’m an
  thing, but I chose to pass on them all. Then when I decided to take     ex-prison gang member, ex-drug addict, and because of that, I’m a
  that chance, it was too late and I’ve no one to blame but myself,       better man for who I am now. I share with you of me in hopes it
  and unless you want to spend the rest of your life incarcerated,        helps you to better yourself, and because it’s what I wish someone
  then I’d advise you to open your eyes now. It’s never too late, but     would have done with me growing up. Have hope, keep the faith
  you have to really want it. Don’t continue to feed off the system,      and know that it’s never too late to turn a new leaf in life. God
  instead, let the system starve. By reoffending, all you’re doing is     bless.
  making the system a richer empire to control your every move and              May 15, 2002. Mule Creek State Prison.
  that’s what they thrive on.




Marcus Montgomery
                                                                            The following two pieces are truly blasts from the past. We first met
                                                                            Marcus Montgomery when he was a youngster fighting for his life in
                                                                            Alameda County Juvenile Hall, well over a decade ago. Marcus was


aka Socratise The Scholar
                                                                            definitely one of the great Alameda writers of all time. Unfortunately
                                                                            he was sentence to many years (if not life) in prison. The following two
                                                                            pieces were written when he was housed in Pelican Bay State Prison
                                                                            in Crescent City, CA. We are thinking of Marcus, and will end it, as
                                                                            he use to end his pieces, “In A Constant Struggle Marcus Montgomery
                                                                            aka Socratise The Scholar.” His pieces were first published in Beat issue
  Improper Payback                                                          6.10/11.

        The account that I share is sad but true, it's about the hell
        that a friend is going through                                        Laying there naked, clothes ripped off, Tamika desperately
        Though his life was filled with happiness from day to day, I'll       tried to stay alive, and the woman held her and rocked her
        tell you how a sick coward took his happiness away                    until the ambulance arrived
        One day last year, on a day sunny and cool, his sister Tamika         The woman knows Tamika, her mother, and even her
        was on her way home from school                                       brother, and plenty of times she's seen the man, she gives a
        Tamika is an eight-year-old who bothers no one, and thinks            report to the police, but aidin’ them in the search is not in
        the sole purpose in life is to laugh and have fun                     her plan
        Yet on her way home she was approached by a man, and                  My friend Tamika’s brother, his name is Mike, the lady pulls
        saying hello and walking by was not in his plan                       him to the side, and says that she'll stay as long as he does
        He cupped her mouth, picked her up, and took her to a                 at the hospital, if he'll only give her a ride
        vacant lot, and this is where the sicko fulfilled his plot            On the way home, she sees the man in front of the store
        She struggled and screamed as he raped and beat her about             laughing as if he's relaxed and gay,
        the face, Lord, why wasn't this child protected by your               Mike has a mind to crush the man between the car and the
        grace?                                                                building, but thinks of a better way
        And when he was finished, he beat the child as if he held a           The next day Mike finds the man and approaches him in a
        grudge, if it were up to me, I'd have killed him myself, but          friendly sort of way,
        I'm not God, so I cannot judge                                        but when Mike pulls out a gun and hits the man in the face,
        Lucky for Tamika, a nosy neighbor saw when the man                    he doesn't know what to say
        grabbed her and watched him leave, and when she ran down              He forces the man into the car and drives into the hills,
        the street to the vacant lot, the sight she couldn't believe          and as I think of what he did next, I get goosebumps and
                                                                              chills
                                                                                                                                continued on next page



Page 58                                                                                                      Volume 16.12/13 thebeatwithin.org
      t
thebea without The Beat Without Throwbacks!
                Marcus Montgomery aka Socratise The Scholar cont.
  continued from previous page

         He handcuffs the pervert, kicks him to the ground and starts
         to cut off his clothes,                                             This is by all means a true story and only written with the
         he ripped and tore away the man’s clothing until the man’s     permission of my dear friend. May God have mercy on him.
         genitals were exposed                                          Tamika received multiple concussions, a broken jaw, and fractured
         He stood rigidly and explained to the man just what he had     ribs. She will never bear children because of this incident. Mike
         done and who he had done it to,                                is serving life imprisonment for first-degree murder, aggravated
         and I can just imagine was he looked in Mike’s eyes he knew    mayhem, and more than a dozen other serious felonies. The
         his life was through                                           only reason why he did not receive the death penalty is because
         With that the man was castrated, and his organs stuffed into   when Tamika came to trial, not only the jury, but the judge and
         his mouth, he was then shot eight times for Tamika’s age.      prosecutor wept. Say a prayer for them.




    Killin’ Me Softly                                                   How do you help someone who's full of hatred and
                                                                        contempt,
         Before birth
                                                                        walks the yard with disregard, and thinks he's death
         what's life worth if your parents contemplate your death
                                                                        exempt?
         Never loved, considered a nuisance even before your
                                                                        You can't help 'cause it's obvious from life he wants a
         first breath
                                                                        divorce
         Yet abortion is out of the question because money is
                                                                        So what we do is step to the side and let death take its
         used for rocks
                                                                        course
         Yes, this is the introduction of a fetus
                                                                        And day by day, it's the way he lives, a new enemy is
         to the life we call "hard knocks"
                                                                        found
         Welcome to the world,
                                                                        Until that the long-awaited day when the sirens sound,
         thank God you're not a girl, we couldn't handle the pain
                                                                        shots are fired, and our boy is no longer around
         Yet it's not a welcome at all, it's the beginning of the
                                                                        But remember, I am not a prophet,
         end
                                                                        I am just telling you what is to come
         to this life of scorn, unacceptance, and disdain
                                                                        Yet, we can change the course of this newborn’s life
         I'm not a prophet, but I will tell the future
                                                                        if we change where he's coming from.
         for we know this scenario too well
         The child will be hooked on phonics 'cause crack and
         chronic has ripped and destroyed his brain cells
         Poverty is a well-known factor before you leave the crib
         Parents smoke crack, ain't no get back, not enough
         food to live
         No self-esteem, unloved, unwanted, undernourished
         from day one
         Wonder why as an adolescent the seed would steal and
         carry a gun
         And obviously, there's room for change, you say there's
         no excuse
         But what do you tell someone that at age three
         fell victim to mental abuse
         True there's help, but we all know psychoanalysis is for
         the rich
         So the boy grows up
         hatin' every man and calling every woman a bitch
         And no matter what age, you'll fall victim to his rage
         as he goes on another rampage
         And this continuous criminal lifestyle leads him to
         another chapter, yet a different stage
         Now he's been to group homes, boot camps, juvenile
         halls, and even CYA
         But now he's introduced to Quentin, Soledad, Mule
         Creek, and Pelican Bay
         he's what the system classifies a narrow-minded
         narcissistic, kleptomaniac
         He never gets visits from family and friends,
         because he stabs them all in the back




thebeatwithin.org   Volume 16.12/13                                                                                                Page 59
The child will be hooked on phonics 'cause crack and chronic has
                                ripped and destroyed his brain cells
            Poverty is a well-known factor before you leave the crib
   Parents smoke crack, ain't no get back, not enough food to live
 No self-esteem, unloved, unwanted, undernourished from day one
Wonder why as an adolescent the seed would steal and carry a gun
                                     read the rest of Marcus Montgomery's BWO piece on page 59

								
To top