Kaplan Family 2006 Year in Review
January: Mark gets laid off…again! He spends much of his newly found free time
“networking” in downtown San Francisco with other ex-Celera, ex-Exelxis and ex-
Deltagen folks. Meanwhile, Debbie’s freelance writing is off to a good start, with the
publication of “Ten Surprising Uses for Rancid Lemons.”**
February: Mark + Debbie go to Mexico, without kids, and remember what it was like to
form a complete sentence – at least before the tequila kicks in. Meema + Papa Merv take
the kids to McDonald’s 347 times, and realize that 4 days alone with both kids and no
naps (for adults OR kids) is just over the limit of tolerability. Nana and Papa Dan
independently reach the same conclusion. Zack learns how to climb out of his pack-n-
play. Coincidence?
March: Highlights from the Kaplan’s Joshua Tree camping trip:
• Car breaks down on freeway; family spends night at a truck stop motel
• Car fixed the next day (only $642!).
• Drive to nearest car dealer + buy new minivan. Frontier Toyota now knows that
stressed out parents with undernapped kids drive a hard bargain
• Stuck in traffic attempting to cross route of the LA Marathon to visit family
• Get rained on at campsite….no wait, that’s snow!
• Zack doesn’t fall asleep until 11 p.m., then is up at 1, 3:30, and 5:30.
• Run over plastic bucket on I-10, lighting up a “maintenance” sensor with only 212
miles on the car
• None of this is made up!
Mark was never so happy to start a new job before in his life! He transitions from
money-losing biotech to money-making big pharma, as a scientist at Roche.
April: Debbie makes a big splash with article “Tulsa: After Hours” but has difficulty
selling “Tofu: the other other white meat.” Dori wants (+ gets) a “princess” birthday
party; highlight is watching 12 “princesses” beating the shit out of a piñata.
May: We travel to Kiawah, SC for a Kaplan family reunion with Joel + Anna, Brian,
Rachel + Daisy. The Jewish population of the island doubles. Final score of the week -
- Chandeliers with black people on swings holding umbrellas:1; “Impeach Bush”
bumper stickers: 0.
June: Dori graduates from preschool. Now what is Debbie going to do with the kids all
summer? Ah yes, day camp for Dori – all day! Zack gets a train cake for his 3rd
birthday but no party. The boy is happy, but Mark and Debbie are officially out of the
running for “Parents of the Year.”
July: Dori learns the hard way not to let others rub chocolate pudding in her hair.
Camping trip #2: 10 kids + 10 adults + 10 bottles of wine = no sleep; at least no one got
poison oak. Dori surprised everyone by loving the roller coasters at the Santa Cruz
Boardwalk. Dad still feels bad about putting Zack on that fast car ride (nightmares of
“Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!”).
August: Camping trip #3 is more successful. Mark has a birthday with a “5” in it –
gets expensive chocolate cake to celebrate; unlike the last birthday with a “2” where
Deb made a Betty Crocker cake and forgot to add water. Deb is about to have her
nervous breakdown from having the kids all summer. Fortunately she sells her article
“Who needs a 401K with these Indian Casinos in driving distance?”
September: Zack starts preschool – class includes Nina, Carina, Marina, Catalina,
Jacob, Jacob and Jake. Surprisingly, he’s the only Zachary. With Dori in kindergarten,
Debbie spends newfound free time volunteering as Zack’s class room parent, for Dori’s
classroom, as Dori’s kindergarten Art in Action teacher, facilitating Training Wheels
family education program, as local Jewish Federation Women’s Alliance board
member, starting the local mom’s club Yahoo group (now with 125 online members!),
and knitting sweaters for the homeless in Zimbabwe. OK, we made up that last part.
Debbie can’t knit any more than she can bake a cake without burning it.
October: Dori flips out when Dad raises her bicycle’s training wheels (what’s the
theme here with Mark scaring the children?). Debbie publishes her memoir “My Penn
Classmates are Covering International Politics for the New York Times and I’m
Writing Crappy Articles from my House.” For the first time in Mark’s career, the
president of the company gets the axe while Mark stays employed. Dori turns 5 and A
HALF. Don’t forget the “A HALF” or Dori will remind you.
November: Debbie is suckered into planning preschool class fundraiser – selling
beaded handbags. She aims to raise $300, but manages to net $1400. Deb is fearful
she’ll now be tapped to run next year’s big ticket fashion show. While Deb is in
Calistoga for a first annual “girls go wild” weekend, she buys her first item of clothing
in five years that is NOT from Costco or Target. Mark spends weekend shlepping the
kids to the aquarium, jump house/arcade birthday party, and tot Shabbat. But the first
thing Dori tells Mommy about is the “special restaurant called Burger King” Daddy
took them to. The Kaplans enjoy Thanksgiving in Tucson with the Weis clan. Native
Arizonan Debbie gets stuck by a cactus. Nasty bruise lasts 2 weeks.
December: Zachary, who is fully capable of pooping on the potty, decides for the third
month in a row that he’d rather forgo the treats, and just poop in his underwear. With a
paid work shut down for Mark at the end of December, the family plans an exciting get-
a-way to Arnold, California. Yes, Arnold. No, there’s nothing to see there – not even
snow. Nor a guy named Arnold.
We wish you a happy holiday season, and all the best for 2007!
Debbie, Mark, Dori (I’m 5 ½) and Zack (I’m free and ½)
***
Okay, we’re just kidding about Deb’s article titles. Drive up traffic to her website by
checking it out – www.kaplanink.com.