Slide 1 - Mars Venus Coaching by huanghengdong

VIEWS: 2 PAGES: 177

									 Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus



  Starting Over
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       Starting Over
                Welcome!
• How many have heard of the Men are from Mars,
  Women are from Venus book?
• Hands up if you’ve actually read the book
• How many of you have read Mars and Venus
  Starting Over?
• My Story
• How I became involved in Mars Venus Coaching


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        Starting Over
    From the Book, “…Starting Over”
• "With the loss of love, our lives are immediately
  transformed. Starting over, we are suddenly faced
  with the rest of our lives, and we have no idea
  what to do. We are stripped of what is familiar to
  us with little knowledge of what comes next.
  Facing this new challenge we have practically no
  experience to guide us. Our minds are filled with
  questions and our hearts with pain.”


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        Why?

• This workshop is
  designed to help you
  find your own
  answers to some of
  those questions and
  help you ease the
  pain.


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                       Why?
• We are NOT implying that all men should be a
  certain way or that all women are a certain way
• We are all individuals.
• We are each different.
• The Mars Venus metaphor was, in fact, chosen to
  playfully look at two sets of characteristics, many
  of which you will recognize in yourself.
• Ask questions

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                  Participation
• During the course of the day it will get quite noisy
  in here and…
• I will need to get your attention back.
• So that I don't have to yell I'm going to use a
  technique where I say…
• "If you can hear me please raise your hands" and
  I would ask that you raise your hands and stop
  talking.


                                                   6
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 Housekeeping
• Workbooks
• Refreshments
• Breaks
  – 10:30
  – 12:30 Lunch
  – 3:30

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                Background
• Men are from Mars Women are from Venus has
  now sold over 20 million copies world-wide
• Translated into 52 different languages.
• In the 90's it outsold every other book except
  the Bible.
• A phenomenal success & we are going to teach
  you some of the Mars Venus principles and how
  they apply to the process of starting over.

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               Workshop Format

•   An introduction to starting over
•   The three stages of healing the past
•   The challenges of starting over
•   Healing our hot spots
•   Getting ready to face the world



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                  Learning
• You can retain up to 90% of what you learn by
  involving all your senses.
• Your visual senses- by showing you some video
  clips of John Gray,
• Your auditory senses - by listening
• Your kinesthetic senses - which means your
  body sensations - by getting you moving around
  and involved in activities.

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      Most
   importantly…
• We're going to have
  fun because…
• …your brain learns
  things much quicker
  if you're having fun
  while doing it.


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                   Whoosh
• Stand up and hold your left arm up and out to
  the side
• When I ask the question take your right arm up
  to your left hand at the same time making a
  funny whoa sound, then say yes and clap.
• Who's willing to play full out and have fun
  today?
• Ready? Let’s do it.


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                    Whoosh
• Let’s do it again with a bit more enthusiasm.
• Who's willing to play full out and have fun
  today?
• Whoosh, yes.
• One last time.
• Who's willing to play full out and have fun
  today?
• Whoosh, YES.

                                                  13
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                    Exercise
• Find a person in the room that you did not know
  before you got here.
• Introduce yourself.
• Tell them 3 things about yourself.
• Then do the same thing again with a different
  person that you did not know before you came
  here today.
• OK Let’s go.

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                    Exercise
• Then a different person one last time.
• Find another person that you didn't know before
  you came here, introduce yourself and tell them
  three things, but this time you're going to greet
  them like a long, lost friend.
• That may mean that you throw your arms up in
  the air, call out their name & give them a hug.
• OK let’s go!

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Now isn't that
   better?
You're not in a
 room full of
  strangers
  anymore.

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                        Intro
• Purpose: to provide guidance and some comfort
  for those who find themselves single again.
• I know that starting over after a divorce, a painful
  breakup, or the death of a loved one can be the
  most challenging experience of your life.
• Dealing with the pain of a breakup or loss isn’t
  easy; those who tell you it is usually haven’t been
  there.


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              Intro
• We are going to look at how
  to find forgiveness and how
  this will benefit you.
• Always in life, good endings
  lead to good beginnings.
• Sometimes we just need a
  little push to create good
  endings.


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           Intro
• Healing the heart is the
  most important thing we
  can do for ourselves at
  these times.
• The process is pretty much
  the same for both men and
  women, but…
• … what is different is the
  challenges men and women
  face when starting over.


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                        Intro
• Just as we feel, think and communicate
  differently, the way we respond to the loss of a
  loved one is also different.
• During this time a woman’s instinctive and
  automatic reactions are not the same as a man’s.
• His issues are different to hers and they will make
  different mistakes.
• Often their needs are worlds apart.

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    Intro
• Remember men
  are from Mars
  and women are
  from Venus.



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  INTRO VIDEO 1.1
• Page 4 in your book
• You’ll see questions with
  blank spaces.
• The answers will appear
  on the screen - to fill in
  the blanks.
• John Gray will start our
  discussions on starting
  over. ……OK…. Let's go


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   REVIEW
  QUESTIONS
We are now going to go
 over the questions so
 you can fill in any you
   may have missed.


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          SAME GENDER EXERCISE
• Split the room- one side (my right) Venus and one
  side (my left) Mars.
• Women please take your books and join Venus
• Men take your books and come on over to Mars.
• Please form groups and make circles so you can
  talk to each other.
• OK let's go.


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            SAME GENDER EXERCISE
• Each person -couple of minutes answer the
  following questions:
  – Why are you at this workshop?
  – What do you hope to get out of the workshop?
  – What is difficult about dealing with the loss of special
    people in your life?
  – How do you relate to the information in the video
    segment?
  – If you get stuck the guide on page 5. OK let's go

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  GROUP SHARING

I would like to read you
    another quote, this
   time from a different
     book, the original
    Men are from Mars,
     Women are from
          Venus.

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   GROUP SHARING
• Share your experience
  of the exercise we just
  did or any insights you
  gained from it.
• Sometimes it helps to
  think along the lines of
  “What I learned & how it
  applies to me and my
  life”

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BREAK for
15 Minutes



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Welcome
  Back


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             THE HEALING PROCESS
•   Now we’ll look at the three stages of the healing
    process.
•   We’re also going to learn how to use a simple
    tool that has helped many people learn to forgive
    and deal with feelings from the past.
•   Later we’re all going to have the opportunity to
    reflect back in time and resolve some upset with
    the use of this new tool.


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             THE HEALING PROCESS
• Remembering and grieving for our partner should
  leave us feeling better…
• … but sometimes just getting in touch with our
  feelings doesn’t complete the healing process.
• We may feel our pain, but we don’t find relief.
• Often because we’re overlooking some important
  part of the process and limiting, or even blocking
  completely, our natural ability to heal.


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             THE HEALING PROCESS
• To heal a broken heart we have to be able to
  complete the healing process.
• This often requires new insight and
  understanding, but most of us are just not aware
  of what’s necessary.
• We aren’t taught how to heal a broken heart in
  school, and it’s not usually something we have a
  lot of practice at – thank goodness.


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             THE HEALING PROCESS

• Feeling like we’re in the dark and vulnerable, we
  often blindly follow the advice of friends and
  family (which no matter how well meaning usually
  doesn’t come from a place of knowledge) or we
  simply follow our own instincts.




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            THE HEALING PROCESS

• We make decisions and choices that may sound
  reasonable but quite often are counterproductive
  to our overall healing.
• Though we may find temporary relief, in the long
  run we don’t nurture or complete the healing
  process.



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             THE HEALING PROCESS
• After losing someone, some people do thrive
  again by themselves-most of us are not that lucky
  or successful at dealing with the loss of love.
• Some people spiral down to the depths of despair
  (where we’ve all gone to some extent or other) but
  then they don’t know how to come back up again.
• To various degrees and in different ways they
  continue to suffer their loss.


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             THE HEALING PROCESS
• Because they are constantly aware of the pain of
  losing a love, they hold back from fully opening
  their hearts again.
• Other people, who appear to have let go,
  sometimes really haven’t.
• They believe they have successfully moved on
  but what they’ve really done is closed the door to
  their hearts.


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              THE HEALING PROCESS
• To avoid feeling pain they move on too quickly.
• Because they moved on so quickly they’ve
  numbed their ability to fully feel.
• Without realizing it or recognizing how they did it
  they have also closed up their hearts.
• They carry on in their lives unable to feel the love
  in their hearts and their ability to grow in love and
  happiness is stunted.


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    INTRO VIDEO 1.2
• To hear more about the
  stages of healing a broken
  heart, please watch the
  screen.
• There are questions with
  blanks to be filled in on
  page 4 of the second
  section in your book.
• The answers will be on the
  screen again.

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  REVIEW
 QUESTIONS

We are now going to go
 over the questions so
 you can fill in any you
   may have missed.



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                 FEELING LETTER
• This next section can be the most powerful
  section in the course for a lot of people.
• You’ll use some emotional muscles that some of
  you may not have touched for a while.
• Will help you build emotional strength & give you
  a valuable skill to help with healing your heart.
• Use the analogy of weightlifting.



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                 FEELING LETTER
• When you lift heavy weights what you actually do
  is tear the muscles slightly.
• When they repair they grow back larger and
  stronger than they were before.
• It's the same with your emotional muscles.
• You need to tear them a little bit so that they can
  grow back stronger.



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                  FEELING LETTER
• This exercise is more important for the men in our
  group because most men have been taught by
  their parents or society to be tough, don't cry, and
  don’t show your emotions.
• Little girls, if they fall and hurt themselves, are
  usually given a hug and a kiss to make it better,
  but you still hear people saying to a little boy
  that's hurt himself, "You're tough, don't cry, you'll
  be fine".

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   FEELING LETTER
• This section provides a
  format for expressing
  emotions.
• So I would really
  encourage you to let
  your emotions out when
  doing this next exercise.
• You're in a safe
  environment.


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                 FEELING LETTER
• I will be demonstrating the process of a feeling
  letter.
• After the demonstration you will be writing one of
  your own.
• In your book on pages 8 to 14 is a pre-prepared
  format for writing the feeling letter.
• It has the beginning of the sentences there for
  you and you just need to follow on from there.


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                  FEELING LETTER
• As you listen to my demonstration allow yourself
  to reflect on either a past painful relationship or
  your most recent break up or loss.
• The letter I’m reading is from a break up.
• The first part of the letter process is written to the
  person you have lost or are hurt by and goes
  through the emotions of anger, sadness, fear and
  regret, followed by what you want.


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  FEELING LETTER



Please close your eyes
      so you are only
  listening to my voice.




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       IMPORTANCE OF FORGIVENESS
• When you are doing your own feeling letter it is
  really important for you to work on the
  forgiveness section.
• Sometimes people find this extremely difficult
  because they think they don't want to forgive the
  person.
• When you forgive someone it is not for them - it is
  for YOU.


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      IMPORTANCE OF
       FORGIVENESS
• They won't even know
  that you have forgiven
  them.
• After all, you're writing
  a letter in this room
  that is not going
  anywhere else or for
  anyone else to see.

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       IMPORTANCE OF FORGIVENESS
• When you forgive someone it does NOT mean that
  their actions are forgotten or acceptable.
• It simply means that you are letting go of it so that
  YOU can move forward and not have it affect your
  life anymore.
• Otherwise you continue to carry the hurt.
• And what good does that do you?



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       IMPORTANCE OF FORGIVENESS
• Often the person involved doesn't even know
  you're hurting.
• So why not forgive them - they won't know that
  either.
• Someone sent us this email and I thought it was
  perfect for this section of the course, so if you'll
  bear with me, I'd like to tell the story to you.



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 TWO
MONKS
STORY


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              Your Feeling Letter
• You are now going to write your own feeling letter.
• I will lead you through each of the stages
• I will guide you and let you know when to go on to
  the next section
• You will each write your own letter.
• This is not to share with anyone else.
• No-one will see or know the contents.


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              Your Feeling Letter
• I encourage you to express your feelings freely.
• Just write what comes up.
• Try not to edit your thoughts - just write.
• Some people will get upset and cry - that's fine.
• Some of you may find you get stuck or emotional.
• Just stay quietly where you are and do not leave the
  room during the exercise
• It can be really distracting if people move.

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               Your Feeling Letter
• Move to a place where you are by yourself.
• Get comfortable.
• If you're more comfortable leaning against the
  wall or sitting on the floor that's fine as long as
  you're able to write.
• If you came with a friend today it is really better if
  you move away from them. Please move and get
  settled now.

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LUNCH


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Welcome
  back

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                    SHARING
• I would like to take you back to the feeling letter
  section briefly.
• (It's OK, - not going to make you do another one.)
• The technique you just used is an incredibly
  powerful one and you can use it again and again
  for all sorts of situations.
• The Feeling Letter is not intended to punish
  anyone.

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       SHARING
• It is a tool to free you
  from the past.
• It is really important that
  the letters are for your
  eyes only, not for the
  person you wrote to.
• You will be amazed by
  the results.

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                    SHARING
• If you feel comfortable enough, you can also try
  reading your letters to a supportive friend or
  family member.
• Ask them to read the response letter to you and
  just close your eyes and receive the love and
  healing.




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                    SHARING

• Does anyone have any insights, an awareness or
  a healing experience they gained from the
  exercise (or even any comments they would like
  to make about that process).
• I don't want the content of what you wrote about,
  unless you want to share that.



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                    SHARING
• When you're doing the exercise at home, is to
  keep writing on a particular emotion i.e. anger,
  until you have run out of things to write.
• Then move on the next section and again write
  until you have exhausted all you want to say.
• Generally speaking, the more you use this
  technique the quicker the letters become.
• It is a great tool. Please practice it.

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    CHALLENGES OF STARTING OVER
• We’ve already talked about the fact that when we
  lose someone our hearts don’t know gender.
• However, once we start the process of healing
  and starting over, the Martian / Venusian
  differences come back in to play again.
• Men and women face different challenges.
• What is good for a man may not be good for a
  woman.

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     CHALLENGES OF STARTING OVER
• What he experiences as an obstacle may not be an
  obstacle for her.
• It is easier to decide the right course of action for us
  when we take our differences in to account.
• Even though challenges are different for men and
  women…
• …there is always some overlap - hearing about both
  sides is valuable in case you recognize some that
  apply to you.

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    CHALLENGES OF STARTING OVER
• Sometimes when we are in pain it’s not always
  wise to follow our instincts.
• What feels like the right thing may not always be
  the best choice for us in the long run.
• What we decide may affect us for the rest of our
  lives.
• Sometimes without meaning to, we push away
  opportunities to find true and lasting love again.

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      CHALLENGES OF
       STARTING OVER
• In John’s book Mars
  and Venus Starting
  Over there are listed 23
  different challenges for
  men and women.
• We’re now going to look
  at the 12 most common
  ones.

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         CHALLENGES FOR WOMEN

1.   Carrying a big list
2.   New pressures of dating
3.   Glorifying our past
4.   Staying stuck in grief
5.   Betrayal of loving again
6.   Expecting the Earth to shake

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       CHALLENGES FOR WOMEN

7. Attracting the wrong partner
8. Who needs a man?
9. Doing too much
10.My children need me
11.But my children are jealous
12.All or nothing

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       CHALLENGES FOR WOMEN

7. Attracting the wrong partner
8. Who needs a man?
9. Doing too much
10.My children need me
11.But my children are jealous
12.All or nothing

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1. Carrying a Big List –
  – Some women protect themselves by carrying a
    long list of requirements for men.
  – They won’t open up to a man or get involved
    until they’ve tested him and he has satisfied
    every item on that list.
  – If her feelings from the past are still unresolved
    her list will be way too long and she will remain
    safe but alone.


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2. New Pressures of Dating –
 – Sometimes women won’t begin to date again
   because…
 – they feel pressure from society and men to
   become sexual right away;
 – if you were with another partner for a long
   period of time this can be especially daunting.




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2. New Pressures of Dating –
 – Any woman should feel free to enjoy sex when
   she wants, but for a woman starting over this is
   vital.
 – Instead of the freedom to go out with a guy and
   eventually get to know him many women feel
   pressured to assess him right away.
 – It’s like a decision has to be made straight away
   – it’s all or nothing.


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2. New Pressures of Dating –
 – One of the principals John talks about in Mars
   and Venus on a Date is “Date around, don’t
   sleep around.”
 – By that, he means date as many men as you
   want but don’t sleep with them unless you want
   to.




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3. Glorifying Our Past –
  – When a loved one is deceased it is natural to
    glorify his good qualities to such a degree
    that…
  – … no man can ever live up to his standard.
  – Sometimes, even if a relationship ends in
    divorce, a woman may still glorify certain good
    qualities of her ex-partner.



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3. Glorifying Our Past –
  – When a loved one is deceased it is natural to
    glorify his good qualities to such a degree
    that…
  – … no man can ever live up to his standard.
  – Sometimes, even if a relationship ends in
    divorce, a woman may still glorify certain good
    qualities of her ex-partner.



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4. Staying Stuck in Grief –
 –   Staying stuck in grief is lonesome but some
     choose to stay there because it’s safer than
     confronting getting involved again.
 –   Some women hold onto this grief to avoid
     confronting fears, and, if left, this grief often
     turns to despair, hopelessness and
     eventually depression.



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5. Betrayal of Loving Again –
  – Some women push away love by not giving
    themselves permission to love again.
  – When a spouse has died, or sometimes after a
    one sided break up, it may feel like a betrayal to
    start a relationship again.




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5. Betrayal of Loving Again –
  – We need to remember that as our hearts heal, it
    becomes clear that a spouse in heaven would
    never want his partner on earth to be deprived
    of love.
  – If we don’t give ourselves permission to love
    again we may find we remain stuck in our grief.




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6. Expecting the Earth to Shake –
 –   Some women push love out by expecting
     passion right away in a relationship.
 –   To the extent that she’s blocked off her
     feelings and can’t feel any passion inside her,
     that woman will expect the man to ignite her
     romantic passions.




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6. Expecting the Earth to Shake –
 –   If a woman isn’t dealing with her suppressed
     feelings, going out with a “nice guy” isn’t
     that appealing.
 –   In this state she needs there to be dramatic
     tension for her to be forced in touch with her
     feelings. When there is danger she is
     aroused.



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7. Attracting the Wrong Partner –
  – Many times a woman will get involved with a
    guy and all her friends say, “Watch out - Don’t
    do it.”
  – And she still ignores all the obvious indicators
    that he’s not right for her. She is setting herself
    up to be hurt.
  – This is a direct result of getting involved too
    soon.


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7. Attracting the Wrong Partner –
  – When we take time to heal, we are attracted to
    partners who are closer to what we need.
  – Any time we run away from our unresolved
    feelings, you can bet we will be attracted to
    situations and people who bring up the feelings
    we haven’t resolved.




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8. Who Needs a Man –
 – When some women wait too long to get
   involved again they may become overly self-
   sufficient and unknowingly push love away.
 – By not giving herself permission to need
   others, she closes the door to receiving love.




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8. Who Needs a Man –
 – Some of us are afraid of appearing too needy
   so we compensate by not needing anyone.
 – We associate needing others with weakness.
 – To open ourselves to love we must be receptive
   to receiving support from others.




                                              83
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9. Women Who Do Too Much –
 – OK, how many women don’t fit in this category
   anyway?
 – However, at a time in a woman’s life when she
   is starting over, many women push away love
   by taking on even more.
 – They become so overwhelmed by the needs of
   others that they don’t have time to nurture their
   own needs.


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10.My Children Need Me –
  – Some women push love away by prioritizing the
    needs of their children over their own needs.
  – After a divorce or death a women may try to
    compensate for the lack and give her children
    more.
  – This well meant gesture prevents her from
    reaching out and getting the love she needs
    from another adult.


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10.My Children Need Me –
  – By focusing on her children she is able to avoid
    facing her fears of looking for love again.
  – Parenting may (or may not) fulfill her, but she is
    pushing a special love out of her life, which
    ultimately is not good for her or her children.




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11.But My Children are Jealous –
  – Single parents may push away love by being
    concerned that their children will be jealous if
    they are getting involved again.
  – Yes, their children may be, but this is not a
    good enough reason to not get involved again.




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11.But My Children are Jealous –
  – How many of you know of other people’s
    children (not our own of course) that are
    jealous of their own brothers and sisters?
  – Does this mean the parent should get rid of the
    offending sibling?
  – A woman getting involved again will actually
    help the child to face his/her own loss & free
    the child from feeling responsible for the
    parent.

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12.All or Nothing –
  – Some women push away love by demanding
    everything right away.
  – They’re unwilling to take the necessary time to
    date and slowly get to know someone.




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12.All or Nothing –
  – If a man can’t handle her directness, then that’s
    too bad; she’s not interested.
  – He had better accept her the way she is or she’s
    out of there.
  – This attitude may make her feel strong, but it’s
    not very loving to herself and she may well find
    it difficult to find love again while being so
    inflexible.


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           CHALLENGES FOR MEN
1.   Man on the rebound
2.   Sex on the rebound
3.   Positive addictions
4.   Work, money and love
5.   Love is not enough
6.   Learning from our mistakes


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         CHALLENGES FOR MEN
7. Taking responsibility to let go
8. Soul mates are not perfect
9. Living out our fantasies
10.Holding back
11.Picking the right woman
12.Self – destructive tendencies


                                     92
      Starting Over
1. Man on the Rebound –
 – One of the biggest differences between men
   and women starting over is that men tend to get
   involved too soon, while most women take too
   long.
 – A man on the rebound tends to move from one
   relationship to another.
 – He doesn’t realize that by doing this he’s
   missing an opportunity to heal his heart.


                                               93
      Starting Over
1. Man on the Rebound –
 – Getting involved after a loss may soothe his
   pain, but it does little to actually heal it.
 – Because men are problem solvers by nature,
   they don’t feel very comfortable just sitting
   around “feeling their feelings.”
 – If a man feels the pain of losing a woman’s love,
   often his response is to go out and find another
   woman to love him.


                                                94
      Starting Over
2. Sex on the Rebound –
 – It is very easy for a man to confuse his need for
   love with his need for sex. (Ok, who said they
   were the same thing?).
 – He may sense that he isn’t ready to get involved
   but wants to get involved sexually.




                                                95
      Starting Over
2. Sex on the Rebound –
 – This might provide temporary relief (and some
   pleasure) but not healing.
 – When our hearts are wounded sex can become
   a very potent way for a man to connect with his
   feelings but he needs to be careful not to
   commit himself.




                                               96
       Starting Over
3. Positive Addictions –
  – Men commonly become addicted to their work
    during a healing crisis.
  – Although over working can be an addiction, it
    can actually help facilitate a man’s process of
    healing.




                                                 97
       Starting Over
3. Positive Addictions –
  – If a man is also getting support in counseling or
    from a group, focusing on his work can bring
    him a good deal of healthy relief.
  – His work can become a way for him to feel
    independent again and not so dependent on
    intimate love relationships.




                                                 98
      Starting Over
4. Work, Money and Love-
 – Sometimes a man does bury himself so much
   in his work that he ignores his feelings of loss.
 – If he suppresses his feelings of sorrow and
   powerlessness he may create situations at
   work that are impossible to solve.




                                                  99
      Starting Over
4. Work, Money and Love-
 – If a past partner demanded too much and he
   doesn’t deal with his anger a man may start to
   require too much from himself.
 – His suppressed anger will actually cause him to
   become like his former demanding partner.
 – This pressure to work harder gives him even
   fewer opportunities to heal the very hurt that is
   fuelling his unhealthy obsession.


                                                100
      Starting Over
5. Love is Not Enough –
 – What was that song? – “All you need is love”.
 – Men and women often assume that love is
   enough to make a relationship last.
 – Sometimes two people love each other but they
   are simply not right for each other.




                                             101
      Starting Over
5. Love is Not Enough –
 – In our modern society we hold up the notion
   that if we love someone we should get married.
 – Love does not guarantee that a person is right
   for us.
 – There can be thousands of people we could
   love but only a few could be marriage partners.
 – From that small group we must search our soul
   to discover who is right for us.

                                               102
      Starting Over
6. Learning from Our Mistakes –
 – One of the ways a man suppresses his feelings
   of loss is by blaming his ex-partner.
 – (This is definitely not a male only characteristic,
   but men tend to use it more so that they can be
   “right”).




                                                  103
      Starting Over
6. Learning from Our Mistakes –
 – By justifying that she was the wrong woman for
   him, he can easily dismiss his natural feelings
   of loss.
 – He reasons that it was good thing that they
   parted ways.
 – This rationalization discounts any feelings of
   loss and prevents him from looking at how he
   contributed to the problems of the relationship.


                                               104
       Starting Over
7. Taking Responsibility to Let Go-
  – Sometimes a man can’t move on because he
    doesn’t take responsibility to let go.
  – He feels she has left him but he holds on to the
    idea that she is wrong.
  – Blaming her prevents him from moving on to
    feeling good again.




                                                 105
       Starting Over
7. Taking Responsibility to Let Go-
  – At some point he needs to decide within
    himself that they were not right for each other.
  – Maybe they could have made it work if
    circumstances and timing were different.
  – From this more positive perspective he can be
    more forgiving and be open to creating a new
    and better life for himself.



                                                  106
       Starting Over
8. Soul Mates Are Not Perfect -
  – Sometimes a man will be unable to make a
    commitment because he compares his new
    partner to some perfect fantasy woman of his
    dreams.
  – He may love a woman but wonder if he is
    making the right decision to be with her.




                                               107
       Starting Over
8. Soul Mates Are Not Perfect -
  – He wants to make sure he gets the best woman
    he can and may worry that maybe somewhere
    else there is a better woman waiting for him.
  – By expecting our soul mate to be perfect we are
    not giving ourselves a chance to find true and
    lasting love.




                                               108
       Starting Over
8. Soul Mates Are Not Perfect –

  – A soul mate is not a perfect person.
  – There is no such thing.
  – A soul mate is simply perfect for us.




                                            109
       Starting Over
9. Living Out Our Fantasies –
  – When a man is ready to start over he will often
    only pursue the women who fit his “picture.”
  – Most men walk around with a picture in their
    mind of the ideal woman for them.
  – Most of the time the woman who turns out to be
    the perfect partner for them doesn’t fit their
    picture at all.



                                               110
       Starting Over
9. Living Out Our Fantasies –
  – She is a complete surprise.
  – When men only pursue women who fit their
    picture they delay their chances of finding the
    right woman.
  – Instead of focusing on what a woman looks like
    it is better for a man to focus on how she
    makes him feel.



                                               111
       Starting Over
10. Holding Back –
  – If a man doesn’t take the time to grieve his loss
    he may unknowingly push away the opportunity
    to love by holding back.
  – When it’s time for men to begin dating again, if
    they haven’t taken the necessary time to
    release any negative feelings and forgive their
    past partner, they might hold back from making
    a commitment.


                                                 112
       Starting Over
10. Holding Back –
  – Right after a breakup, pulling back is a very
    healthy action; it’s very important for a man to
    regain his sense of independence.
  – If men don’t take enough time to hold back from
    making a commitment then once they do get
    involved again they will often break that
    commitment.



                                                113
       Starting Over
11. Picking the Right Woman –
  – One of the ways a man starting over pushes
    love out of his life is by not being able to make
    up his mind.
  – (No sarcastic comments from the women here
    please.)
  – One partner will seem good but then he’ll move
    on to another.



                                                  114
       Starting Over
11. Picking the Right Woman –
  – Every time he gets close to one a past partner
    seems more desirable.
  – He goes back to a past partner but then
    inevitably a new woman comes along and
    seems more desirable.
  – In this way he keeps moving back to a past
    relationship and then ahead to a new one.



                                                115
       Starting Over
12. Self-Destructive Tendencies –
  – Some men, when unable to feel and heal their
    feelings of loss, may become caught in the grip
    of self-destructive tendencies.
  – If he can’t deal with his feelings of hurt
    constructively he may hurt himself.




                                                116
       Starting Over
12. Self-Destructive Tendencies –
  – He may use addictive substances, he may run
    away and start a new life, he may throw away
    his life force, or he may even take his own life.
  – As he loses control, his life will continue to
    spiral downward until he bottoms out and
    seeks help.
  – Some people believe that until a man bottoms
    out in this way he can’t get better.


                                                   117
              Starting Over
      INTRO VIDEO
• Please watch the screen
  again and we’ll see
  some more of John.
• Yes, there are questions
  with blanks: they’re on
  page 4 of your new
  section – section 3….
• OK Let's go


                              118
           Starting Over
     REVIEW
    QUESTIONS


• Let’s go quickly over
  the answers to make
  sure everyone got
  them down.



                           119
        Starting Over
        SMALL GROUP EXERCISE
• We're going to split our room back up in to Mars
  and Venus.
• All the women please take your books and come
  on over to Venus and all the men take your books
  and come on over to Mars.
• At the same time would you please form groups
  and make circles so you can talk to each other.
• OK let's go.

                                               120
        Starting Over
        SMALL GROUP EXERCISE
• Each person to talk for only a couple of minutes
  doing the following:
• Identify one or two of the challenges we’ve just
  discussed that you know you relate to
• Discuss how you deal with them (or if you do)
• Relate how you push love away
• Share one way you love and support yourself (or
  one way you could if you currently don’t)

                                                121
        Starting Over
         SMALL GROUP EXERCISE
• You can give examples or just talk generally.
• The challenges are summarized on pages 6 – 9
• The people who are going first will talk for just a
  couple of minutes then rotate.
• We'll move clockwise around the groups until
  everyone has had a turn.
• Everyone not talking, remember to practice
  listening.

                                                   122
               Starting Over
   SMALL GROUP EXERCISE
• Discuss 1 or 2 challenges,
  how we deal with them,
  how we push love away
  and finish with how we
  love and support
  ourselves.
• If you get stuck the guide
  questions are on page 5.
• OK let's go.


                               123
           Starting Over
    GROUP
    SHARING
– Would anybody like
  to share with the
  whole group any
  insights, how you’ve
  pushed love away or
  anything that you’ve
  recognized as a
  challenge?

                           124
   Starting Over



MASSAGE


                   125
        Starting Over
    HEALING OUR HOT SPOTS
• Besides learning to process the four healing
  emotions as we did this morning,
• ..one of the easiest and most powerful ways to
  heal the heart and release our pain is to link the
  hurt we feel in present time with hurt we’ve felt in
  the past.




                                                   126
        Starting Over
    HEALING OUR HOT SPOTS
• How it works is we link our current painful
  feelings with similar unresolved feelings from our
  past.
• Then we process these hot spots in our past and
  it helps us be free of the pain we’ve been feeling
  in the present.




                                                 127
        Starting Over
    HEALING OUR HOT SPOTS
• This one concept is at the basis of many forms of
  therapy and healing throughout the world.
• By talking about our past, we are able to
  remember our pain rather than feeling as if we are
  still being hurt.




                                                128
        Starting Over
    HEALING OUR HOT SPOTS
• The more we can recall our past pain, the less it’s
  able to hold on to and grip us in present time.
• There is a big difference between feeling “I was
  hurt” and feeling “I am being hurt.”




                                                  129
        Starting Over
    HEALING OUR HOT SPOTS
• This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t feel our hurt.
• It just means that dwelling on our present hurt is
  not very helpful.
• Instead, we should use our hurt feelings as a
  trigger to gain access to all our past unresolved
  emotions.




                                                 130
        Starting Over
    HEALING OUR HOT SPOTS
• We should feel our hurt and then recognize that it
  is also an indicator that our emotions about a
  particular incident in our past are still unresolved.
• Ideally we should use our hurt feelings to lead us
  to the pain we still need to heal.




                                                   131
        Starting Over
    HEALING OUR HOT SPOTS
• We should feel our hurt and then recognize that it
  is also an indicator that our emotions about a
  particular incident in our past are still unresolved.
• Ideally we should use our hurt feelings to lead us
  to the pain we still need to heal.




                                                   132
        Starting Over
         MALE / FEMALE EXERCISE
• Find a partner of the opposite sex who you didn’t
  know before you came today.
• It’s OK for two women to pair up but not two men.
• Sit facing each other.
• You can spread out and use the whole room.
• You will need your books.
• OK let's go


                                                133
        Starting Over
         MALE / FEMALE EXERCISE
• This is an exercise designed to get you to start
  linking the present with the past.
• One person will be partner A and one will be
  partner B. Ok, choose an A and a B.
• Please turn to page 5 of Section 4 of your
  workbook.
• This is our “Recall when” list.
• Take a quick minute or two to read through it now.

                                                134
        Starting Over
         MALE / FEMALE EXERCISE

• Turn to page 6 which should start with…
• “1. Recall when” and have blank lines after it.
• Now swap workbooks with your partner leaving
  the your book open at that page.




                                                135
        Starting Over
         MALE / FEMALE EXERCISE

• “A” is going to choose at random from the “Recall
  When List” on the previous page and..
• “B” is going to share an experience from present
  time about the statement that “A” chose.




                                               136
        Starting Over
         MALE / FEMALE EXERCISE
• For example A might choose “Recall when you
  were forgiven for a mistake”.
• B might say “Well, just recently I was typing out
  these manuals for the boss at work. They were
  really urgent and everybody worked frantically on
  them. They came down to me really late but we
  got them done, photocopied and posted out. After
  they were gone, I realized that I had transposed
  our fax number...”

                                               137
        Starting Over
          MALE / FEMALE EXERCISE
• While B tells the story, A will write a sentence or
  two, getting down the main context of the story.
• B thinks back to a past situation where the same
  “recall when” statement applies and A will again
  record the main point.
• Once that’s done B chooses a “recall when”
  statement at random, A gives an example from
  present time, then an example from the past and
  B writes them down. OK let's go

                                                   138
       Starting Over
         MALE / FEMALE EXERCISE
• Then we swap back
• “A” chooses a random statement, “B” gives an
  example from present time, then an example from
  the past and “A” writes them down.
• We swap back and forth until both partners have
  had three turns each.
• “A” choose a “recall when” statement and “B”
  give an example.


                                              139
             Starting Over

    MALE / FEMALE
      EXERCISE
• Just take a minute or
  two for each example.
• OK let's go.




                             140
  Starting Over




BREAK


                  141
   Starting Over


Welcome
  Back



                   142
        Starting Over
               Visualization
• At the end of a relationship there are only two
  directions we can go.
• We can either grow in our ability to love or we can
  begin a gradual decline.
• Our challenge in starting over is to release our
  pain with forgiveness, understanding, gratitude
  and trust.



                                                 143
        Starting Over
               Visualization
• Saying goodbye in this way eventually leaves us
  feeling good about ourselves, our future and our
  past.
• We are going to start this section of the course
  with a guided visualization that will bring you one
  step closer to experiencing this.
• I’ll be putting on a CD of John to lead us through
  each of the stages.

                                                  144
        Starting Over
               Visualization
• Some people will get upset - that's fine.
• Others won't. That's OK too.
• Once again if you get stuck emotionally I’d really
  appreciate your help with just staying quietly in
  the room.




                                                  145
        Starting Over
               Visualization
• Please move to a place in the room where you are
  by yourself and have some room around you.
• Get comfortable.
• If you're more comfortable leaning against the
  wall or sitting on the floor that's fine.
• No need to write anything, just listen & visualize.
• Please move and get settled now.


                                                  146
        Starting Over
              Visualization
• Please get comfortable and relax
• Take a couple of deep breaths and Relax
• Close your eyes
• Take another couple of deep breaths – in and out
  – in and out
• Relax



                                               147
              Starting Over
    Visualization
• I’m now going to play
  the CD and John will
  continue the
  visualization.
• If you hear any
  distracting sounds just
  bring your attention
  back to his voice.


                              148
              Starting Over
    Visualization
• I’m now going to play
  the CD and John will
  continue the
  visualization.
• If you hear any
  distracting sounds just
  bring your attention
  back to his voice.


                              149
           Starting Over

Visualization
• Remember long
  hugs.
• Find another person
  and hug them too.
• You can never have
  too many hugs.



                           150
        Starting Over
              Quick Stretch
• Let’s all stand up and have a quick stretch before
  we start the last exercise.
• Put both your hands up in the air, lock your
  fingers together and reach as far up as you can
• Lean over to your right
• Now to your left, lean gently back as far as
  comfortable, and finally lean forward to touch
  your toes or as close as you can comfortably get.

                                                 151
        Starting Over
         SMALL GROUP EXERCISE
• This last set of exercises is like putting the wax
  on a car after a car wash.
• They’re designed to leave you feeling great and
  ready to put your best foot forward.
• Would everybody please form groups of 4 ?
• Once in your groups of 4- please make circles so
  that everyone in your group is directly opposite
  someone else in your group. OK let's go.


                                                 152
        Starting Over
         SMALL GROUP EXERCISE
• One person in each group is the group leader.
• You will need to hold the hand of the person on
  either side of you so if you need to, you can
  shuffle your chairs in a bit closer.
• The leader will use his or her right hand to
  squeeze the hand of the person to their right.
• And you will each squeeze hands all the way
  around the circle going to the right.


                                                153
        Starting Over
         SMALL GROUP EXERCISE
• When the group leader feels their left hand being
  squeezed one rotation is complete and that
  person will call out the number “one.”
• Then the leader starts another rotation and when
  the squeeze gets to them again calls out “two”.
• Continue doing this until you have gone around
  ten times.



                                                 154
        Starting Over
         SMALL GROUP EXERCISE
• When this is done the whole group should stand
  up and celebrate by shouting “Yeah!” and waving
  their hands around.
• The goal of this part of the exercise is to begin to
  see the synchronicity we all share.
• Is everybody clear with the instructions?
• Join hands.



                                                   155
        Starting Over
        SMALL GROUP EXERCISE
• The leader starts by squeezing the hand of the
  person to their right.
• The squeeze continues around the circle until it
  gets back to the leader who calls out the numbers
  from 1 to 10.
• On 10 everybody jumps up and celebrates.
• OK let's go.



                                                156
        Starting Over
        SMALL GROUP EXERCISE
• The leader starts by squeezing the hand of the
  person to their right.
• The squeeze continues around the circle until it
  gets back to the leader who calls out the numbers
  from 1 to 10.
• On 10 everybody jumps up and celebrates.
• OK let's go.



                                                157
              Starting Over
    SMALL GROUP
      EXERCISE
• That was great.
• Now we’re going to do it
  again and see if we can try
  and all pop up at the same.
• So everybody sitting join
  hands and we’ll do the
  same thing again.


                                158
        Starting Over
       SECOND PART OF EXERCISE
• Starting with the leader go round the group
  clockwise repeating and completing this phrase.
  “Right now in my life I am in the process of…..”
• Keep going around the circle and completing the
  phrase until I call your attention back.
• I will actually be timing you so just go round as
  many times as you can.
• OK let's go.


                                                 159
        Starting Over
       SECOND PART OF EXERCISE
• Excellent.
• We’re going to go clockwise round the circle with
  the leader going first again but this time we’re
  going to use the phrase “It was painful when…”
  and you’ll talk briefly about something that is
  difficult in your life.
• I will be timing you again so just keep going
  around until I call your attention back.


                                                160
             Starting Over
SECOND PART OF
   EXERCISE

• Okay leaders ready to
  go?
• The phrase is “It was
  painful when…”
• OK let's go.

                             161
        Starting Over
       SECOND PART OF EXERCISE
• Just as there are things in our lives that are
  painful and difficult there are also things to be
  grateful for.
• Just briefly close your eyes.
• Take a few deep breaths and reflect on the things
  that you do have in your life.
• What are you grateful for?



                                                162
        Starting Over
       SECOND PART OF EXERCISE
• I am grateful to be healthy;
• I am grateful for the opportunity to grow;
• I am grateful for my senses that allow me to smell
  the flowers,
• …walk in the woods and see (God's / the
  Universe’s) majesty, hear the birds, and taste the
  wonderful foods that are available to me; etc.



                                                 163
        Starting Over
       SECOND PART OF EXERCISE
• Open your eyes and once again we’ll go
  clockwise starting with the leader completing the
  phrase ..
• “I am grateful for….”
• Just keep going until I stop you.
• Leaders ready?
• “I am grateful for….”
• OK let's go.

                                                164
        Starting Over
        THIRD PART OF EXERCISE
• Each group please place one chair in the center of
  the group with that chair facing forward and the
  other three chairs arranged so that there is one on
  each side and one behind the center chair but all
  facing it.
• Would the group leader please sit in the center
  chair.
• You get to go first again.


                                                 165
        Starting Over
         THIRD PART OF EXERCISE

• What a lot of responsibility you’ve had in this last
  section.
• Now would the other three please place both your
  hands gently on the shoulders or upper arms of
  the person in the chair.
• Here’s what happens next.


                                                  166
       Starting Over
        THIRD PART OF EXERCISE
• I ……………. AM A STRONG, LOVING
  PERSON AND I DESERVE TO BE LOVED
  JUST THE WAY I AM.
• (Mary) will say this statement out loud. “I
  Mary am a strong, loving person and I
  deserve to be loved just the way I am”



                                                167
         Starting Over
         THIRD PART OF EXERCISE
• YOU’RE RIGHT. YOU ……………. ARE A STRONG,
  LOVING PERSON AND YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED
  JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
• Then Mary’s group will say…
• “You’re right! You (Mary) are a strong loving person and
  you deserve to be loved just the way you are”




                                                       168
        Starting Over
        THIRD PART OF EXERCISE

• The person in the center chair, Mary, then says,
  "You’re right!” and repeats her original statement
  of “I Mary am a strong, loving person and I
  deserve to be loved just the way I am”.
• The group repeats their statement.
• This goes back and forth three times.


                                                 169
        Starting Over
        THIRD PART OF EXERCISE
• After the third group response the person in the
  middle yells “You’re right” and everybody jumps
  up and celebrates with a loud “yeah” and waving
  of their hands like we did earlier.
• The next person then takes the middle seat.
• We repeat the process until everybody in the
  group has had a turn in the middle.



                                               170
           Starting Over
 THIRD PART OF
    EXERCISE

• Leaders in the
  middle seat ready?
• Groups ready?
• OK let's go.


                           171
        Starting Over
        THIRD PART OF EXERCISE

• Does that feel fantastic?
• Please take your seats again with the leader back
  in the middle spot.
• This time we’re going to do the that exercise
  again exactly the same except that it’s all to be
  done in whispers.


                                                172
        Starting Over
        THIRD PART OF EXERCISE
• The person in the middle will whisper the
  statement,
• …the group will whisper into the ears of the
  middle person like they are angels giving that
  person a message, and …
• even the celebration will be done in whispers.
• Everybody gets a turn in the middle again.
• All ready? OK let's go.

                                                   173
        Starting Over
              FEEDBACK FORMS
• We have one more exercise to do before we finish
  for the day.
• Just before we do that though, we would really
  appreciate you taking a couple of minutes to fill
  out a feedback form for us and giving us your
  honest thoughts on the day.
• As you complete the form if you could just raise
  your hand and someone will collect it.


                                                174
        Starting Over
                   CIRCLE SONG
• Please stand up and move your chair out to the
  sides of the room so that we are left with a large
  empty space in the middle.
• You can leave your books off to the side too.
• You won't need them.
• All make a circle facing in to the center.




                                                  175
              Starting Over
       CIRCLE SONG
• Link arms with the people on
  either side of you.
• We're going to sing this song
  to finish up.
• If you sing really badly then
  we want you to sing really
  loudly to make the rest of us
  feel better……OK let's go.

                                  176
        Starting Over
                   Thank You
• I want to thank each of you for taking the time and
  the effort to attend today and really participate.
• Part of what I want to do with this work is make a
  difference to as many people as possible.
• If each of you takes what you have learned today
  & uses it in your own life and with your family &
  friends then you & I will have made a difference to
  more than just the people in this room.
                      Thank you.
                                                 177

								
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