Beautiful Women Prefer Nerds by creativeabhishekgoel

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									       01 LESSON:
  Beautiful
  Women
Prefer Nerds!
A Real Man’s Guide on How to
 Find, Date, and Romance the
        Perfect Woman



ROSS QUIGLEY
   Universal Publisher/UPUBLISH.COM
                   1999
           01 Lesson: Beautiful Women Prefer Nerds!
A Real Man’s Guide on How to Find, Date, and Romance the Perfect
                            Woman

                 Copyright © 1999 David Sunga
                       All rights reserved



                     ISBN: 1-58112-854-1

             Universal Publishers/UPUBLISH.COM
                              1999

              www.upublish.com/books/quigley.htm
                   INTRODUCTION


         Women tell us that their ideal man is loyal and solid,
spiritual, good-humored, romantic, caring and sensitive, and
committed to family values. But if women truly select such
men, why are caring, romantic-minded men routinely
dumped for apparent losers and showboat guys who couldn’t
care less about the prized women they’re dating?
         Every man, of every race, color, creed, height, and
financial status, has the same dream: There is a special
person out there. She is beautiful and good, the kind of
person who inspires you to your very best, so you can fight
all the battles, right all the wrongs. It’s destiny. There’s a
magical moment when you know that she is for you, and you
for her. And then you live happily ever after, with a batch of
kids and a house like a small patch of heaven.
         Reality, however, is profoundly different from
romantic fantasy. Today there are any number of obstacles
standing between you and the woman you are interested in.
There are advantages and disadvantages to every possible
factor: appearance, personality, race, height, popularity,
financial status, social status. The list goes on and on with
factors people never state openly.
         Have you ever gotten up enough nerve to call or talk
to a beautiful, interesting woman only to be completely
rejected for an unknown reason?
         It’s not about confidence. Consider one study on race.
Three people-- a white man, an Asian woman, and a
Japanese man were seeking romance in Tokyo, so they
posted personal ads seeking romance in the Tokyo Classified


                                                             iii
Ads, Japan’s largest free circulation publication. Within a
few weeks, the Asian woman received close to two hundred
replies to her personal ad, from men of all races. The white
man received about 100 replies from interested Japanese
women. The Japanese man received only two replies, both
from men who had mistaken his name for a woman’s name.
What happened?
         Another study was done on height. There was an
American TV special where a news crew performed a kind of
poll to see how women might view height as a romantic
factor. The news crew lined up about 10 men of varying
height, and they put them behind a double mirror, where they
could be viewed by a parade of passing women. Because of
the double mirror, the men could see only reflections of
themselves, while the women could see each of the men
clearly.
         The news crew gave the women false information
about each man behind the glass. For example, they told the
women that certain men were doctors, lawyers,
entrepreneurs, writers, and had various occupations. They
even gave the women false personality profiles of the men.
For example, they pretended one man was a good cook who
loved kids and enjoyed gardening, while another loved
karate, hated kids, and ate Chinese food a lot.
         Then the news crew polled the women. They asked
the women which of the men they would be interested in as
possible boyfriends. The results of their poll showed that in
America, the men under 167 cm (i.e. 5 ft. 6 inches) were
never chosen as boyfriends, even if they were portrayed as
millionaires with outstanding personalities.
         Sadly, there’s an old theory that comes to mind: the
more advanced the information technology, the more openly
short height in men and obesity in women are detested.


iv
         Back in the old days of backbreaking labor, a man
was chosen based on his ability to provide. But today, the
rules of romance are different, or are changing quickly.
Today women are financially independent from men, so
choosing a man who would be a good provider is only one of
many factors when women search for possible mates. Right
or wrong, when women in advanced industrialized societies
fall in love, they choose men in order of height, status,
physical attractiveness, and lastly financial security. This is a
regrettable situation for short, sweet, traditional men, since
height is the first thing on the list, financial security is last on
the list, and sweetness and tradition are nowhere on the list.
         It is not necessary to discuss all the scientific studies.
Personal experience and common sense tell us that the
present romantic and social situation seems unusually
gloomy for average ordinary men and women, who are
neither terribly attractive nor terribly unattractive. But there
are certain strategies for leveling the playing field, for getting
better at the game of romance. That’s what this book is
about. Romance is not a matter of confidence. It’s a matter of
knowledge - - understanding the body language, the hidden
signals, the patterns, and the hindrances that stand between
you and obtaining the girl of your dreams. The purpose of
this book is tell you comprehensively how to find your Miss
Perfect and get her to fall in love with you- - whether she
lives in this country, as an entity on the Internet, or in a
foreign country halfway across the world.
         At this time, please take a moment to perform
Chapter 1, the pre-test, and see how you do.




                                                                   v
vi
                              CONTENTS


CHAPTER 1: Pre-Test: Test Your Knowledge .....................9
CHAPTER 2: Relationships: What We All Want ...............18
CHAPTER 3: How to Beat Loneliness ................................23
CHAPTER 4: How to Increase Your Popularity..................28
CHAPTER 5: Tips for Nice Guys........................................37
CHAPTER 6: Buying Gifts to Win Her Heart.....................41
CHAPTER 7: Great Pickup Lines........................................46
CHAPTER 8: How to Know if the Attraction is Mutual .....50
CHAPTER 9: Where to Find the Woman of Your Dreams.61
CHAPTER 10: Making a Good Impression.........................69
CHAPTER 11: Sweet Talk ..................................................74
CHAPTER 12: Romance Test 1 ..........................................80
CHAPTER 13: The Golden Rule of Making the First Date 86
CHAPTER 14: First Date Strategy ......................................90
CHAPTER 15: Avoiding a Broken Heart ............................94
CHAPTER 16: Timing is Everything ................................108
CHAPTER 17: Surviving Disrespect and Breakups ..........120
CHAPTER 18:
The Internet: Women from Foreign Countries...................131
CHAPTER 19: Men, Women, and Romance.....................140
CHAPTER 20: Final Test ..................................................146
APPENDIX A ....................................................................155
APPENDIX B: Quick Notes Chemical Human Sexuality .158
APPENDIX C: Collected Romance Tips from This Book 162




                                                                               vii
viii
                     CHAPTER 1
            Pre-Test: Test Your Knowledge


       Skill in romance is learned, not inherited. The
following is a pre-test, which you can use to test your present
knowledge of romance. Good luck!

1.   Anson is a short, balding, very sensitive man (but he
     hides his feelings) who has many friends who are girls,
     but he doesn't have a girlfriend. Anson wins the lottery
     and gets two free tickets to an expensive dinner and a
     special symphony orchestra concert performed by the
     best musicians from many different countries. He calls
     some of his female friends, but nobody wants to
     accompany him to the event because they don't want to
     give him the “wrong idea.” What should he do?

2.   Anson's friend Bob wants to arrange a blind date for
     Anson. Anson asks, “Can you describe her? What does
     she look like?” Bob replies, “Well, she has a nice
     personality.” What should Anson do?

3.   Hakim is a college student, an idealist who wants to find
     the perfect woman. After a few years of part time
     work/junior college, Hakim had entered a university and
     since he was a little older than the other students, Hakim
     decided to find an apartment instead of living on campus.
     He was very lonely his first year, so to meet more girls he
     decided to “change his image” and join a fraternity.




                                                                9
     Would Hakim have been happy in the fraternity? What
     should he do about his living situation?

4.   Hakim meets a beautiful coed named Carol in one of his
     classes. They really hit it off together. They are mutually
     very interested in each other. Then Hakim finds out Carol
     has a boyfriend. Should he back off or increase the
     charm?

5.   Hakim has known Carol for a year. After the initial
     “spark,” Carol seemed to lose interest in Hakim, so today
     he treats her more like a friend than a romantic prospect.
     Comfortable with friendship, Hakim has completely
     forgiven Carol for the mind games she seemed to have
     played on him when they first met. Suddenly Carol takes
     a new interest in Hakim. Should Hakim remain reserved
     or should he “fall for” Carol again?

6.   Hakim graduates from college and gets an engineering
     job. One day he meets a girl named Maria who works
     behind the information counter at the local shopping
     mall. She seems very interested. She gives him a lot of
     eye contact and smiles often. They make small talk each
     day, when Hakim stops at the counter, but neither Maria
     nor Hakim has offered any invitations yet. Should Hakim
     make the first move?

7.   Hakim sends flowers and gifts to romance Maria. She
     occasionally compliments Hakim on his hair and
     clothing. She accepts all his date invitations and gifts, but
     never gives him gifts in return. Should Hakim continue
     wooing her?



10
8.    A homely colleague from work named Winnie asks
      Hakim to go hiking. From her body language, Hakim
      suspects that she has a crush on him. Should he accept
      her invitation?

9.    Once again, Hakim falls in love-- this time with a lawyer
      named Diana. He gets up enough guts to call her. They
      have a wonderful hour long conversation which ends
      with Diana saying, “thanks for calling.” Should Hakim
      call her more often?

10.   Hakim's hormonal level has hit the roof. He's head over
      heels in love with Diana. At the same time, Hakim is
      taking a night class. There is a nice girl in this class
      named Cora whom he wouldn't mind going out with, as
      well. Should Hakim concentrate on Diana or on Cora?

11.   Hakim wins Diana's heart, but a few weeks later they
      have their first argument. Diana is at fault. Should Hakim
      apologize to Diana even though it's not his fault?

12.   Hakim is stressed out from his relationship with Diana.
      They have just had another quarrel and Hakim feels so
      angry that he will burst unless he does something to
      “blow off steam.” Should Hakim take his car out for a
      drive?

13.   Hakim feels that his relationship with Diana is on the
      ropes and fears that it might end soon, but he doesn't
      want to break up with her. Should he tell Diana his
      feelings?




                                                                 11
14.   While Hakim is having problems with Diana, Cora is
      very supportive of him. Although their friendship is
      innocent, Hakim begins to find Cora more attractive than
      Diana. Should he continuing to see Cora, or would that
      be considered cheating on Diana since his attraction to
      Cora is growing?

15.   Hakim finds Cora infinitely more attractive than Diana.
      He is seriously considering breaking up with Diana.
      Should he tell Diana that he's been visiting Cora?

16.   The big breakup occurs. Hakim has a nasty fight with
      Diana, so terrible that there's no turning back. Following
      the breakup Hakim becomes deeply depressed and
      realizes he needs to get out more often or he'll go crazy.
      What's the best way for Hakim to move on with his life?


            ANSWERS TO CHAPTER 1 Pre-Test

1.    Anson is a short, balding, very sensitive man (but he
      hides his feelings) who has many friends who are girls,
      but he doesn't have a girlfriend. Anson wins the lottery
      and gets two free tickets to an expensive dinner and a
      special symphony orchestra concert performed by the
      best musicians from many different countries. He calls
      some of his female friends, but nobody wants to
      accompany him to the event because they don't want to
      give him the “wrong idea.” What should he do?
      Answer: He shouldn’t make a fool of himself by calling
      all these women.




12
2.   Anson's friend Bob wants to arrange a blind date for
     Anson. Anson asks, “Can you describe her? What does
     she look like?” Bob replies, “Well, she has a nice
     personality.” What should Anson do? Answer: “She has
     a nice personality” is code talk for “she isn’t very good
     looking.”

3.   Hakim is a college student, an idealist who wants to find
     the perfect woman. After a few years of part time
     work/junior college, Hakim had entered a university and
     since he was a little older than the other students, Hakim
     decided to find an apartment instead of living on campus.
     He was very lonely his first year, so to meet more girls he
     decided to “change his image” and join a fraternity.
     Would Hakim have been happy in the fraternity? What
     should he do about his living situation? Answer: No, he
     wouldn’t have been happy changing himself to fit in the
     fraternity. If he has to change himself to fit, he shouldn’t
     be there in the first place. He should live in the dorm for
     a year, to make some contacts.

4.   Hakim meets a beautiful coed named Carol in one of his
     classes. They really hit it off together. They are mutually
     very interested in each other. Then Hakim finds out Carol
     has a boyfriend. Should he back off or increase the
     charm? Answer: He should back off and keep a low
     profile.

5.   Hakim has known Carol for a year. After the initial
     “spark,” Carol seemed to lose interest in Hakim, so today
     he treats her more like a friend than a romantic prospect.
     Comfortable with friendship, Hakim has completely
     forgiven Carol for the mind games she seemed to have


                                                               13
     played on him when they first met. Suddenly Carol takes
     a new interest in Hakim. Should Hakim remain reserved
     or should he “fall for” Carol again? Answer: He should
     try to romance Carol as much as possible.

6.   Hakim graduates from college and gets an engineering
     job. One day he meets a girl named Maria who works
     behind the information counter at the local shopping
     mall. She seems very interested. She gives him a lot of
     eye contact and smiles often. They make small talk each
     day, when Hakim stops at the counter, but neither Maria
     nor Hakim has offered any invitations yet. Should Hakim
     make the first move? Answer: No. He should wait for
     Maria to give him some sort of hint.

7.   Hakim sends flowers and gifts to romance Maria. She
     occasionally compliments Hakim on his hair and
     clothing. She accepts all his date invitations and gifts, but
     never gives him gifts in return. Should Hakim continue
     wooing her? Answer: No. This is obviously a one-sided
     relationship, an ego boost for Maria.

8.   A homely colleague from work named Winnie asks
     Hakim to go hiking. From her body language, Hakim
     suspects that she has a crush on him. Should he accept
     her invitation? Answer: Yes. Especially if he likes
     hiking.

9.   Once again, Hakim falls in love-- this time with a lawyer
     named Diana. He gets up enough guts to call her. They
     have a wonderful hour long conversation which ends
     with Diana saying, “thanks for calling.” Should Hakim



14
      call her more often? Answer: No, he shouldn’t. When on
      the telephone (as opposed to in writing) “Thanks for
      calling” is girl talk for “I’m not interested.”

10.   Hakim's hormonal level has hit the roof. He's head over
      heels in love with Diana. At the same time, Hakim is
      taking a night class. There is a nice girl in this class
      named Cora whom he wouldn't mind going out with, as
      well. Should Hakim concentrate on Diana or on Cora?
      Answer: He should concentrate on Cora. In a choice
      between “extremely interested in” and “wouldn’t mind
      going out with,” he should choose “wouldn’t mind going
      out with.” According to Murphy’s Law: “There’s always
      something wrong with someone you’re extremely
      interested in.”

11.   Hakim wins Diana's heart, but a few weeks later they
      have their first argument. Diana is at fault. Should Hakim
      apologize to Diana even though it's not his fault?
      Answer: Yes. In relationships, the man is always at fault,
      even if he isn’t. He should express remorse no matter
      whose fault it is.

12.   Hakim is stressed out from his relationship with Diana.
      They have just had another quarrel and Hakim feels so
      angry that he will burst unless he does something to
      “blow off steam.” Should Hakim take his car out for a
      drive? Answer: That would be dangerous. He should try
      to blow off steam first. Then he should go for a drive, as
      a finishing touch.




                                                               15
13.   Hakim feels that his relationship with Diana is on the
      ropes and fears that it might end soon, but he doesn't
      want to break up with her. Should he tell Diana his
      feelings? Answer: No. In romance, honesty is only
      advisable if the woman is honest first.

14.   While Hakim is having problems with Diana, Cora is
      very supportive of him. Although their friendship is
      innocent, Hakim begins to find Cora more attractive than
      Diana. Should he continuing to see Cora, or would that
      be considered cheating on Diana since his attraction to
      Cora is growing? Answer: He should see Cora; he needs
      all the support he can get. And who knows? Maybe Cora
      would make a better girlfriend than Diana in the long run.

15.   Hakim finds Cora infinitely more attractive than Diana.
      He is seriously considering breaking up with Diana.
      Should he tell Diana that he's been visiting Cora?
      Answer: No, he shouldn’t tell Diana that he's been
      visiting Cora. He should try to make the breakup as
      painless as possible for Diana, if indeed he wants to
      break up. And if he doesn’t want to break up, he
      shouldn’t be telling Diana about other women.

16.   The big breakup occurs. Hakim has a nasty fight with
      Diana, so terrible that there's no turning back. Following
      the breakup Hakim becomes deeply depressed and
      realizes he needs to get out more often or he'll go crazy.
      What's the best way for Hakim to move on with his life?
      Answer: Of course, getting a new girlfriend would be the
      number one choice. If getting a new girlfriend is
      impossible, then do volunteer work. You’re always



16
   happier when you can see that others are less fortunate
   than yourself. Possibility number three is to take up a
   new, exhausting activity. Although this isn’t as good a
   solution as the other two, keeping busy might help him to
   not get depressed, and it might make him tired enough to
   get a good night’s sleep.

SCORING (correct answers):
(Sixteen out of sixteen) Expert, gigolo level; 100%
(Fifteen out of sixteen) Expert; 94%
(Fourteen out of sixteen) Very good; 88%
(Thirteen out of sixteen) Good; 81%
(Twelve out of sixteen) Average; 75%
(Eleven out of sixteen) Below average; 68%
(Ten out of sixteen) Below average; 63%
(Nine out of sixteen) Inexperienced; 56%
(Eight out of sixteen or less) Young; 50%




                                                          17
                   CHAPTER 2.
         Relationships: What We All Want


         Love is a complicated process. At the first hint of
finding the perfect woman, men go into an excited,
passionate obsession-- a feeling like floating on air, or
speeding through a fascinating tunnel, with no need for food,
drink, or rest. The men become blind to all imperfections in
the women. They “put their partner on a pedestal”
envisioning her as perfect. Their passion also makes the
men's emotions extremely sensitive to the women. Minor
words or deeds on the part of the women will produce
euphoria or depression in the men.
         Once a man establishes a stable relationship with a
woman, things go “back to normal.” The man acts
considerably less “romantic.” He has established his
emotional security blanket so there seems to be no need for
further action. If, while the man is still in love, the woman
rejects him, he will experience a painful and depressing heart
break, and then fall bitterly out of love in about two years. If,
while the man is in love, the woman moves away or is
otherwise taken from him, the man will never truly fall out of
love, and his grief may last for years. If the relationship
lasts, then in about four years the man will naturally “fall out
of love.” Then his hormonal levels will go back to normal,
and the relationship will depend more on long-term mutual
feelings than on “magic” or passion. That’s why people
make public marriage vows- - to bolster the relationship,
knowing that the feeling of being in love will one day fade.
Marriage is forever; it’s not just until the feeling is gone.


18
         For women, on the other hand, love is a much more
material and logical process. Based on height, status,
physical attraction, and financial security, women select a
partner from a batch of available suitors. Women do fall in
love, but not to the same degree, not with the single minded
obsession that men do. They hope that the partner will supply
them with status within the community, enough material
wealth for a reasonable standard of living, and support
(usually financial) for the children. The women also seek
control over the men, using intimacy as leverage, instead of
controlling by physical power.
         Personally I think men need to be more understanding
of women; men need to share more of their power with
women, instead of being macho, patronizing, overly
chivalrous, and pedestalizing. On the other hand, I also think
women need to understand that men are emotionally much
more sensitive than women. Thus, it is much more humane
to be firm and break a man's heart early than to let him get
his hopes up only to waste away in anguish or vindictiveness.
Because women control intimacy, they need to realize the
extraordinary emotional power they have over men-- and that
with this power comes a responsibility to steer men in the
right direction.
         The game of love is a lot more complicated than sex.
Do men only want one thing- - sex? No. If it were true that
men only wanted one thing, then all men would be visiting
prostitutes. Do all women want one thing-- sex? If that were
true then all women would be visiting gigolos. Men and
women are two completely different creatures that must
come together in a relationship.
         In The Canterbury Tales, (specifically “The Wife of
Bath”) Chaucer implies that what women want is power over
men. The reason why some girls at dance clubs dress in


                                                           19
attractive outfits yet don't dance with anyone (instead, they
reject all the men who ask) is because they like the feeling of
power that goes along with beauty. They want to feel like
princesses. The reason why my old roommate Samantha
accepted gifts, dinner invitations, and theater dates from men
whom she had no intention of ever loving was to stoke her
ego, and to feed her curiosity. She never loved these guys;
she saw them more like a fan club. After all, people shower
celebrities with dinners and gifts, and the celebrities feel no
obligation to give anything to their fans in return. And who
knows? She was hoping some day she might actually meet
someone interesting.
        Girls want to be seen as nice. They are raised to be
nice. The reason why secretary Marie never firmly refused
her boss’ advances is because she didn't want to hurt his
feelings. The reason why Patty never straightforwardly
voiced her dissatisfaction with Steve’s smoking (her
boyfriend of 10 years) was because she wanted to avoid
conflict. The reason why many girls in dance clubs say,
“Maybe later” when they actually mean, “no” is because they
don't want to sound cruel. At the same time, men are
seriously misled by these actions.
        Girls want to feel secure. One reason why many girls
treasure tall men is because they want to feel physically
secure. One reason why beautiful young women go after
ugly, old rich men is because they want to feel financially
secure. One reason why high school girls fall in love with
stereotypical jocks is because they want to feel socially
secure; they want to lock themselves in a position of status.
The disproportionate amount of women in poor countries
who fall in love with rich foreigners is probably due to a
subconscious desire for physical, financial, and status
security. Sometimes women are even willing to marry people


20
they don't love, especially if the man is a good provider, and
the women are aging.
         Men, on the other hand, are obsessive, optimistic
idealists. Traditionally, men have been raised on romance
stories and movies, and every time they feel lonely,
somebody is sure to advise them, “you need a girlfriend.”
Hormone driven, they spend a large portion of their young
lives obsessed with female beauty and looking for somebody
to fall in love with. They will spend, stalk and spy if they
have to.
         Their attraction to women is not only physical. It’s
psychological; they want a beautiful woman to have faith in
them. As children men could always go back to Mom for
moral support when the going got rough, and as adults they
believe that the perfect relationship will be a shelter from all
problems and a support for all goals. As a result, the perfect
wife, aside from being beautiful to satisfy physical cravings,
is someone to come home to after battling the world. In
addition to being pretty, the perfect wife is a “mommy
figure,” who will lovingly steer their husband in the right
direction, a direction which is good for the man, but too
daunting for him to accomplish alone without emotional
support from her.
         An interesting side note to the “mommy figure” who
lovingly steers them in the right direction is that men will
love and respect any woman who acts this role, regardless of
the relationship- - girlfriend, grandmother, friend, boss,
employee, or wife. For example, a beautiful woman who is
straightforward with a man during rejection and steers him in
the right direction is respected unconditionally. But a
beautiful woman who presents mixed signals is considered a
“tease” and is disrespected.



                                                              21
         In sum, men and women each want something out of
a relationship; they each have their own agenda. Men have
their “perfect object” and “mommy” complex. Women have
the four criteria (height, social status, physical attraction, and
security) in addition to the psychological baggage of always
trying to appear kind, and the temptation to use intimacy for
control. These hidden needs drive our search for the perfect
partner.
         It’s very important to understand these needs, to
know what’s going on in this game. If you’re a woman, you
could be the nicest person in the world, but if you’re
overweight, you’re not the “perfect object” men are looking
for and may be treated cruelly. Or, you could be beautiful,
but if you don’t know how to steer the men around you
wisely, you’ll soon be disrespected and treated like an object
or even hated by embittered, rejected men. If you’re a man,
and you don’t have height, status, good looks, or money, you
could end up lonely. In addition, women could unwittingly
be playing cruel head games with you, by seeming “kind”
and allowing you to do things for them that feed their own
egos, with no intention of going out with you.
         The romance game is not always happy, but it can be
very happy only if you know the hidden rules of the game.




22
                   CHAPTER 3.
                How to Beat Loneliness


         We all get lonely. A relative visits every year and
always asks you the same question-- do you have a girlfriend
yet? You go to a restaurant alone, and people stare. You go
to a theater to watch a movie alone, and people stare. Your
life seems empty and you feel unfulfilled. Your parents and
relatives gossip about your nonexistent love life behind your
back. You tell a friend about your life and the friend replies,
“you need to get out more.” You look out the window down
the street, and you see happy smiling couples, and it makes
you feel depressed, like you want to sleep or have a beer.
         Sound familiar? It should. Every one feels lonely at
times. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. But the good
news is, it’s not permanent, and it’s curable.
         But before you start accusing yourself of being a
failure, pick up a newspaper and look at the personal ads.
They're full of lonely people. Then go to a store and look at
the magazine rack. Check out the classified advertisement
sections in back of the magazines. Get on the Internet and
access IRC Chat or VP Chat. Full of lonely people, no doubt!
Go to the store and then look at all the front covers of all the
major women's magazines-- they all have an article or two on
the things a (lonely) woman might possibly do to attract a
relationship. If you look around you hard enough, you'll find
advertisements for matchmaking services, video dating,
computer dating, and phone services for lonely people.
Prince Charles was lonely. Lady Diana was lonely.




                                                             23
Celebrities are lonely and unfulfilled. Everyone’s lonely.
Nobody’s getting what they really want.
        I have a friend who recently graduated from college
and applied for a job as an engineer. There were only 3 job
openings and 400 people applied for the job. He didn't get
the job, and he tried to convince me that it was his fault that
he didn't get the job. He only had a 3/400ths chance of
winning-- but he said it was his fault.
        Maybe we're all like my friend. We all act as if
everybody else has the perfect partner except us. But I
challenge you to visit 50 friends. Take a look at the parents
of these friends, and then ask yourself how many of these
people are what you consider attractive? How many would
you personally marry? Chances are, none of these people
have the perfect mate. Everyone has settled for less than
perfect.
        Society doesn't give us good odds. On TV people are
portrayed as good-looking confident free individuals, and
they casually walk up to complete strangers and introduce
themselves without causing suspicion. But in real life
society, a lone man couldn’t walk up to an attractive woman
without arousing thoughts such as, “Maybe he's an
emotionally insecure person,” or “maybe he has no friends,
or he could be a psycho, a possible stalker, a weirdo.” In real
life people are locked into cliques-- small social groups at
school or family or at work, and normally they only interact
with these few people. Only by networking within these
cliques can a stranger meet additional friends.
        There’s also the opportunity factor. It is said that
most people meet their life partner in school. But many
people have to work part time to pay for school. They study
long hours to graduate, and then take jobs in hard studying
fields such as engineering. They never get the chance to meet


24
partners or learn the ins and outs of courting. They may have
money, but that's all they have. There are millions of lonely
people out there merely because life didn't give them much
chance to meet people.
        So now that we know the odds of escaping loneliness
are very slim-- the question is, what should we do about it?

Ten surefire ways to beat loneliness, in order of
preference:

1.   Get a friend or girlfriend, any old female friend. Settle for
     someone who is less than perfect; a “filler.” If you’re on
     the rebound from a broken relationship, make sure the
     new partner doesn’t look or act like the old one.

2.   Do some volunteer work for a nonprofit club, for
     example, adult literacy, beach cleanup, etc. There’s no
     quicker way to feel happy than to see and help people
     who are less fortunate than yourself. Plus, nonprofit clubs
     are a good way to meet happy people. Peers don’t
     volunteer for these activities unless they are motivated
     and upbeat.

3.   Get involved in an exhausting project. That way you’ll be
     too busy to think about loneliness. Do something you
     like.

4.   If you’re a Christian, join a bible study group, church
     group, or Christian singles group. These groups are
     normally filled with nice people, and they organize plenty
     of activities whereby you can get to know people.




                                                               25
5.    If you’re not a Christian, join another club. Clubs have
      people who have the same interests as you do, and they
      also organize activities. Some examples might be
      language clubs, travel clubs, social dance clubs, rock-
      climbing, or hiking, or public speaking clubs. (These
      could also be classes).

6.    Take a night class or a weekend class. You might learn
      something fun, work on an advanced university degree,
      and bump into new people at the same time.

7.    Find an IRC chat line or VP chat line on the Internet and
      start chatting. People often meet new friends online and
      get together after hours.

8.    Get on the Internet. Access
      www.internationalpenpals.com, www.cyberfriends.com,
      or www.excite.com/directory/people_and_chat/pen_pals
      and get an email pal. You can also join an online
      community, using a search engine to look up several. See
      Appendix A.

9.    Look in the backs of magazines or on the Internet for
      snail mail penpals.

10.   Go traveling. It’s easy to meet fellow travelers, but this is
      mostly a short term solution. If you don’t have the budget
      for international travel, then get a dog, and walk it a lot.
      Not only do pets cheer you up, but you’ll meet all your
      neighbors, get plenty of exercise, be fairly safe from
      muggers, and you’ll have a best friend for life.




26
Ten surefire ways to get depressed and feel miserable and
nauseous:

1.    Go dancing at a nightclub by yourself.

2.    Go to a movie at night by yourself.

3.    Call up old flames and try to get them to go out with you.

4.    Try to introduce yourself to bar or restaurant staff.

5.    Answer suspicious personal ads.

6.    Buy clothing that doesn’t match your personality in order
      to be more attractive.

7.    Tag along at parties where you don’t know most of the
      people.

8.    Watch romantic movies or read romantic books.

9.    Watch other people who look happy.

10.   Become a groupie of a rock star, Hollywood star, or
      sports hero.




                                                              27
                   CHAPTER 4.
          How to Increase Your Popularity


        In college, Gail was shy and she never wore makeup
or thought of herself as pretty. Men rarely called her, and she
spent most of her time alone reading and studying. But Gail
was lonely, so one day she joined a sorority called “Theta
Phi.” Theta Phi had a reputation; supposedly it was full of
blue-eyed blondes, and most of these were spoiled daughters
of rich businessmen. The sorority didn’t come cheap; Gail
had to pay a monthly fee in order to maintain her
membership at the sorority. But she felt it was worth it to
escape loneliness. Luckily they accepted her.
      Slowly Gail began to change her mannerisms. She
dressed differently, dyed her hair blonde, spent a lot of time
around her new friends, and even began to act a bit more
snobbish towards people. Soon boys began to call. Within a
few months, Gail’s popularity increased. She no longer had
to spend her evenings alone with her books; she had events
to go to, parties to attend, and people to be seen with.
Eventually she became involved in a relationship with a boy
named Brad from a nearby fraternity. At last Gail was no
longer lonely. For a monthly fee, and a few changes in
personality, she had found the man of her dreams!

I know three guys who all of a sudden went from unpopular
nerds to superpopular he-men studs with adoring women
following their every footstep in a matter of months. Here is
what happened to them:




28
Example 1:
         Wilson was a skinny bespectacled computer
programming student. He was a loner, and in his entire life
he had never had a girlfriend. He went to Phoenix, Arizona
to do a co-op for Tetrasoft, a wealthy software corporation--
not knowing that at Tetrasoft, one in five employees is a
millionaire due to company stock options. Suddenly Wilson
found himself surrounded by starry-eyed Phoenix girls,
flirting with him and offering themselves to him at every
opportunity. They took him to nightclubs. They invited him
to parties. He was never without a date, or a night's sleeping
partner.
         Despite the beauty of some of the women, Wilson
eventually became dissatisfied with the women because all of
the female prospects seemed to “lack substance.” He began
to believe that all of them were only interested in his money.
Wilson returned to college in California after the coop and
continued his nerdish life. He described the co-op in
Phoenix as like being treated like a king for six months.
         He said, “They're in love. A girl in Phoenix is just
like any other girl falling in love. Why did they fall in love
with me? I just happened to be a popular stereotype.”

Example 2:
        Michael was an unpopular underweight Caucasian
from New Zealand who described himself as looking like a
chicken embryo with an Adam's apple and glasses. He visited
Japan, not knowing that in some places in Japan, everyone
with blond hair and blue eyes is a fantasy object for women
with romantic fantasies about Westerners. At Otaru college
in Hokkaido, Japanese women went crazy for Michael, and
he slept with many Japanese women for about a year until he



                                                           29
contracted a venereal disease, and his days as a stud abruptly
ended.

Example 3:
        Geoffrey was a middle aged goofy guy with low self-
esteem who joined the Navy as an electrician, He was not a
classy person, and he couldn't tell the difference between a
high priced steak, and a local greaseburger. Nor was he
athletic-- he was overweight and perspired continuously. But
he visited the Philippines, where American dollars have 40
times the buying power of Philippine currency. Like Wilson
and Michael, Geoffrey became a kind of overnight celebrity;
he became a popular fantasy object for love-starved
Philippine women. Being in the Philippines really boosted
Geoffrey’s self esteem. But when Geoffrey returned to his
home country he was just an ordinary guy again, and had no
luck with women.

        The common theme to all three stories is that they
were ordinary unpopular guys. They each did nothing to
enhance themselves, but in spite of this they were surrounded
by adoring women. Girls fell in love with them because
Wilson, Michael, and Geoffrey accidentally stumbled into
situations where they fulfilled a glamorous popular
stereotype.

Strategy 1. PLAY THE POPULAR IMAGE
        “Popular Image” is a strategy that some guys use to
meet women. They play the surfer boy, the rich fraternity
boy, the jock, the handsome executive, the fun blond, the
rich prince, or whatever the prevalent popular image is, and
then get associated with the “in” crowd in order to meet
interesting people of the opposite sex.


30
        An unknown musician once did an experiment on
popularity. He printed a fake brochure saying how great and
popular his unknown band was, and then stood outside the
doors of someone else's rock concert and handed out the
brochures as people exited the concert. In a short while, the
previously unknown musician had a large following, and
signed with an agent, and was doing his own concerts.
        Scientists have studied this phenomenon by testing
brand loyalty and consumer buying patterns. They found that
when it comes to consumer attraction, it doesn't matter which
product works the best or has the best price. Consumers on
average are most attracted to products when they learn that
the products are popular. In other words, people innately
follow fads and fashion. They “join the act” once something
or someone is popular. In this way, popular products get even
more popular. It's almost common sense, and we have a lot
of sayings that reflect this. “The rich get richer. Everybody
loves a winner. It takes credit to make credit.” Conversely,
the poor get poorer and the unpopular get more unpopular.
        The same principle can be used to attract the opposite
sex. You can test this yourself. Go to the nearest department
store that has some female clerks, and act like you need some
help. Smile, act nice, be yourself. Notice how many times
they give you eye contact or friendly gestures. Now wait a
few weeks (to give them time to forget your face) and go to
the same department store with a relative of the same age and
opposite sex or a friend who looks like they could be your
romantic partner. See how much service you get, and count
the eye contact or friendly gestures. You will find that the
adage is true; you are much more attractive to other people if
it looks as if you already have an admirer (your friend).
        The implication of this is astounding. It means that
guys who have girlfriends or wives stand an infinitely better


                                                           31
chance of attracting new women than single guys who are
saving themselves for “the right girl,” since guys with wives
or girlfriends already have a following. It reminds me of my
friend George who used to complain, “I know this great girl
who never even notices me. But she always complains about
how flirtatious her boyfriend is with other women, and how
he sometimes cheats on her.” George's dream girl never
notices him because George is never seen with girls around
him (he's saving himself for “the right person”). At the same
time, the dream girl's boyfriend Steven steadily increases in
popularity. Every time other girls see Steven and his girl
together, Steven's popularity suddenly soars. As his
popularity increases, Steven gets even more attention from
other women and more chances to cheat.
         Put simply, the best way for a man to increase his
chances with new women is to always be seen with a woman,
preferably a wife or girlfriend.

Strategy 2. THE TRADE UP THEORY
        “Trade up theory” is another strategy that some guys
use to meet women. Basically, these men don't care whether
or not they like a girl when she becomes their girlfriend.
They just use any old girlfriend in order to look more
popular, and thus enhance their own attractiveness to other
girls. When they find a better girl, they dump their present
admirer since she has outlived her usefulness. This is called
“trading up.” They dump girlfriend number one and
graduate to the more attractive girl, who is usually a friend or
acquaintance of the first girl. Then they hang on to the
second girl until an even better girl comes along, and so on,
and so on. They continue to trade up as far as they can go
until they are halted by marriage or bad luck.



32
         There are two advantages to using the trade up
strategy. One is that other girls see you with a girlfriend, and
immediately your popularity gets a boost. The second
advantage is that women will trust you more readily than
they would trust a single guy. They would never trust a single
guy because he’s always “looking for something.” But about
you, they would think to themselves, “Well it's safe to go out
a few times with him. He doesn't have any ulterior motives
since he already has a girlfriend.”
         Under the guise of having a girlfriend, a good trade
up strategist will increase this “safe contact” with other,
trusting, female friends, until the “friendly relationship” with
them is at the point of sexual attraction. At that point, the
trade up strategist would dump his girlfriend and go out with
the new girl. During the process of breaking up, the strategist
could even go to the prospective new girl for “advice,” and
have her feel sorry for him and console him.
         Do women mind when men play the trade up game?
It sounds terrible, but women are convinced that this is the
way all men already operate. In fact, they play the same
game, usually as a precaution against betrayal. Because of
their innate understanding of the trade up game, women hate
to lose their boyfriends to “the other woman.” The other
woman is supposedly “a step up,” and represents an insult to
the first woman's self esteem. So women generally try to
hang on to their boyfriends. At the same time, many girls
intuitively line up a male friend behind their boyfriend's
back, as a kind of unconscious safety net in case their
present relationship fails.

Strategy 3. POPULARITY AND SECURITY FOR
WOMEN:



                                                             33
         For women, the biggest ticket to instant popularity
with men is physical appearance. Men love thin bodies, high
heels, and attractive eyes; they are absolute fools for beauty,
even artificial beauty caused by cosmetics or surgery such as
liposuction, breast implants, tummy tucks, dermal abrasion,
and facelifts. If a woman has beauty and doesn’t say much,
young men will credit her with wit, compassion, intelligence,
humor, charm, and kindness even if she has none of these.
As long as the woman possesses beauty and doesn’t say
much, the man will be a fool.
      A woman without beauty, however, is in the same
predicament as a man without height. She must rely on other
attributes such as social status, good character, and financial
status to attract men.
      Can a woman use the trade up strategy? No. Not in the
same way as men. A man who has a girlfriend or wife is
more attractive to new women. But a woman who has a
husband or boyfriend is neither more attractive or less
attractive to new men. However, a woman can certainly stay
in a relationship until the relationship outlives its usefulness,
dumping her man for a richer guy when the opportunity
presents itself.

Ten surefire ways to increase your popularity:

1.   Always be seen in the company of a person of the
     opposite sex.

2.   (Women) Get cosmetic surgery or use makeup and
     clothing to alter peoples’ perception of your shape. (Men)
     Wear platform shoes and bulkier clothing up top.




34
3.    Buy showy high status objects (cars, houses, etc.),
      jewelry, clothing, etc.

4.    Join the “in” crowd, club, business, or organization.

5.    Always appear upbeat, happy, and friendly to everybody.

6.    Never let people see you think or engage in planning.

7.    Converse about “in” topics, fashionable pastimes, or
      people.

8.    Never say anything negative about others.

9.    Never disagree with anyone or say anything that goes
      against popular thought.

10.   If you are in the limelight, get a very thick skin. Once you
      get popular, people will take verbal shots at you and your
      reputation. Get ready for their rumors or insults.

Ten surefire ways to decrease your popularity:

1.    Save yourself for the perfect person. Only date people
      you are interested in, to prevent “leading people on.”
      People will suspect you of being either snobbish or
      unpopular.

2.    Wear what feels comfortable, not what’s stylish. People
      will think you have no fashion sense.

3.    Speak about what’s important to you; not just the “in”
      topics. People will find you confusing.


                                                               35
4.    Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means
      disagreeing with people. People will find you abrasive.

5.    Call things the way you honestly see them. People will
      find you threatening.

6.    Indulge in unfashionable hobbies. People will find you
      weird.

7.    Be seen with unpopular people. People will try not to be
      seen with you.

8.    Do things alone. People will pity you.

9.    Disregard matters of personal hygiene. People will find
      you disgusting.

10.   Neglect eye contact. Stare away or at people’s chests
      when you speak to them. People will find you
      untrustworthy.




36
                     CHAPTER 5.
                   Tips for Nice Guys


         In romance there are both disadvantages and
advantages to being nice. First, why do people think “nice
guys finish last” ? The “nice guy” is a truly nice guy.
Usually, he's saving himself for an ideal girl, wondering why
he never gets a chance to meet someone special. While he's
wondering when he'll meet that special person, another girl
falls in love with him. But Mr. Nice guy doesn't want to be
cruel and lead her on. So he acts nice to her and becomes a
friend or an acquaintance instead of a boyfriend.
         No problem, right?
         Wrong. Remember last chapter’s trade up theory?
Guys in relationships (even relationships that are a sham) are
desired by women more and also trusted more than single
guys are. Men without girlfriends aren't trusted and are
suspected of ulterior motives, desperation, emotional hang-
ups, or a predatory sexual agenda.
         Most lonely men are nice. First of all, they work and
they study hard. The schedule is tough and there aren't many
girls in the work place or classes, so they rarely meet women.
In addition, these men are far too nice to trade up-- because it
involves exploiting so-called girlfriends and getting rid of
them when it is convenient. Nice guys are too moral to do
this. Finally, they are too honest to pretend to be someone
whom they aren't in order to join the “in” crowd. As a result,
they enjoy far less popularity than traders.
         Another disadvantage for nice guys is that they would
rather meet a girl directly than be unfaithful to a girlfriend


                                                              37
and pretend the meetings are innocent of desire. So they can
never set up a “safety net” in the case of an impending
breakup. Honesty, integrity, and respect for human feelings
are precisely the reason why nice guys lose popularity; they
can’t play social games.
        What about the nice, but homely girl? A boy asks her
out, but she says no because she’s saving herself for the right
person. No problem, right?
        Wrong. Her Mr. Right is busy drooling over a busty
brainless babe, and couldn’t care less about girls with nice
personality.
        In romance, people don't judge you by your qualities.
They pre-judge you by other criteria such as beauty or height,
and then from this pool of pre-selected people they begin to
look at your individual qualities. Often the people who don’t
fit the beauty or height criteria simply aren’t considered
when it comes time to notice other characteristics.
        In a way, each of us has two opposite options. For
men, it’s the choice between being a nice guy, an idealist
who saves himself for the perfect woman, or being a trade up
strategist who uses women as a stepping stone to other, more
attractive women. For women, it’s a choice between
concentrating on improving personality, character, and
education, or concentrating on physical appearance.
        Most of us fall somewhere in between these two
choices. Most Trader type guys merely deny that they are
exploiting people and convince themselves they have learned
the wisdom of compromise. They conveniently go out with
women they don’t like because the perfect woman is
completely unobtainable. And most Nice Guy types are not
truly doomed to solitary and unpopular lives because not all
girls are attracted to only popular guys. Some girls actually
like Mr. Nice Guy. So nice guys actually get a few good


38
chances at romance. By the same line of reasoning, women
can concentrate on other attributes besides beauty, and still
have time for beauty. So while men can be part nice guy and
part trader, women can also be part beauty and part character.
         In fact most people have no romantic strategy, attend
no charm school, or learn tricks of the trade passed down
from older generation to younger. For most people, romance
is a trial and error process, with little lessons and tips gleaned
from experience along the way. Here are some examples of
those tips:

Fourteen surefire lessons you will come across by
experience:

1.   The only person who appreciates your gifts is the person
     who is in love with you anyway, without the gifts.

2.    “If he takes two steps forward, don’t trust him because
     he wants something. If he takes two steps back, then he
     didn’t get what he wanted, so he’s now acting like a
     jerk.”

3.   The competition is always a jerk.

4.   If you’re interested in someone, their best friend and
     confidante secretly has a murderous hatred for you.

5.   (Murphy’s Law) On a date, anything that can go wrong,
     will go wrong.

6.   Real men don’t make the first move. Women supply the
     hint. Men supply the specifics.



                                                               39
7.    Everything goes wrong on a camping trip.

8.    No matter who you are, somebody in the world will have
      a crush on you, sometime in your life; the hard part is
      getting yourself to have a crush on them.

9.    Flirting does not mean they like you; it means the
      person’s flirting.

10.   The man always apologizes, even if it’s not his fault.

11.   When two people break up, the man sees it as sudden and
      shocking. The woman sees it as a long chain of events
      ending in a breakup.

12.   Men are always interested in the same women as other
      men are. The rest of the women are backup plans.

13.   Women are always interested in the same men as other
      women are. The rest of the men are backup plans.

14.   Older girls consider money first and physical attraction
      second.




40
                  CHAPTER 6.
           Buying Gifts to Win Her Heart


         There was a girl named Joan. She was madly in love
with a man named Richard, so Joan called him. She cooked
meals for him. She bought him gifts. In return, Richard
accepted the gifts. He ate the meals. Sometimes he even
called her, just as friends. But Richard was an idealist
looking for the perfect woman. He never was interested in
Joan. He chased after women of great beauty, and was
rejected many times. After many failed attempts Richard at
last returned to Joan, the girl he could always count on. In
time, he even bought Joan flowers, and eventually Joan and
Richard got married and lived happily ever after. That is true
romance as it actually happens.
         In the TV version Joan looks like Miss Universe, and
Richard has the body of a professional athlete with the sweet
personality of Charlie Chaplin. Richard sweeps Joan off her
feet with flowers, candies, and gifts, but then an evil beauty
steals Richard away. After many tears and dramatic
moments, a typhoon accidentally brings Joan and Richard
back together again, and as fate would have it, they get
married and live happily ever after. That is romance as it
happens in the movies.
         How realistic are the movies?
         I had the great fortune in college to live in a house
with two housemates. One of them was a very pretty
Taiwanese girl named Samantha. Samantha treated us
housemates like family, and she cooked for me when my
friends would come over. I spent many a night curled up in


                                                            41
Samantha’s borrowed electric blanket, drinking tea or coffee
and talking the night away with Samantha as she worked on
her architecture projects. To this day we are still friends.
        Samantha was the kind of girl that many guys wanted
to marry. She was beautiful, exotic, old-fashioned, and
talented, and she had a nice personality. As a result, living
with Samantha I was able to get an inside view at what
happened after Samantha's many suitors pitched their
opening lines. There were two important observations: 1)
Pretty girls receive thousands of gifts and offers from
lovelorn men but they treasure none of these gifts because
they get so many that gifts mean nothing. 2) The lovelorn
men always lose in the end.
        Beautiful or cute women do not live the life that
normal average women do. I never realized how many offers
and gifts that beautiful women actually get. But I saw them
with my own eyes in Samantha's room and in our living
room. It was tragic, really, the way the men made fools of
themselves, and imagined that she loved them. This was the
men's mistake: instead of waiting until they were sure that
they had become Samantha's boyfriend, they declared their
love with gifts and presents prematurely, hoping to sweep her
off her feet. But in return for all their flowers and presents
and expensive dinners, the men got exactly nothing in return.
They didn’t know about rule number one: the only person
who appreciates your gifts is the person who is in love with
you anyway, without the gifts.
        When I first moved into the house, the first thing I
noticed about Samantha’s room was that it needed no
decorative wallpaper. The walls were adorned with dried
roses. As a hobby, Samantha was in the habit of drying
flowers, so all the roses that she received from men she
would hang upside down on her wall. After time, the wall


42
looked like a parade float completely covered with flowers.
But not only were there dried flowers in the house; there
were always fresh flowers in a vase on her desk and more in
our living room.
         I remember we didn't have a table in our living room,
but one of Samantha's male acquaintances drove 400
kilometers to our house, set up a table in the living room, and
Samantha didn’t even say “Thank you” to him. But that was
normal for Samantha's suitors. They always did her favors,
but she never asked for their favors-- they volunteered-- so
Samantha didn't feel obligated to say thank you.
         Aside from flowers and furniture, some men sent
ballet and theater tickets, and once Samantha received plane
tickets to Hawaii along with two weeks lodging. She also
went out to expensive dinners about twice per week. In
teasing her, I always referred to these outings as “dates” but
Samantha told me that she honestly never considered them
dates. They were just “a chance to meet people.”
         In my opinion the dates were a chance for guys to
give her favors with no strings attached. Samantha enjoyed
feeling like a celebrity, and accepted the favors, but never
felt obliged to give the men anything in return. Whenever
Samantha accepted a favor, the men would react as if
Samantha's accepting their gift was a sign that meant she was
accepting their love. But Samantha never loved them. She
reasoned, “Hey, I never asked for these things, so I don't owe
these men anything.”
         Often Samantha would return home from an
expensive dinner outing (the guy always paid) with a
Styrofoam box filled with an uneaten dinner and she would
feed it to us roommates. I imagine all the suitors thought that
Samantha really ate those dinners, but she just gave them



                                                             43
away to her roommates. We roommates loved her for those
tasty dinners.
         A few times there would be long letters in broken
handwriting wedged in the mailbox. And a few times I
answered the phone and heard men's whimpering voices--
shaky, hurt, cracked from weeping. I joked with Samantha,
“Hmm. A 40-minute call. It must have been important.”
         “Important to him,” she would answer calmly.
         Every one of Samantha's suitors had a certain took in
his eye, a kind of optimistic, happy-go-lucky dreamy look.
They had the kind of facial expressions that announced, “I'm
in love. She's a beautiful girl with a great personality. I see
how she treats her roommates, friends, and family. If only
she would treat me that way! I've got to show her how I feel.
I've got to show her that I'm different from the other guys.
That I really care.”
         They all thought to themselves, “I've got to show her
my love.” Then the men brought gifts. And the men thought,
“Good, she accepted my gifts. It means she will soon accept
my love.” All of those suitors thought that the dinners and
presents and tickets they bought were special and treasured,
but actually Samantha just gave them away to people whom
she really cared about. The men were just fans to her. It was
as if they were not real people-- neither family nor friends
nor lovers. But she did accept their many gifts.
         Let me ask you a question. In your opinion, was
Samantha an unkind person?

        Here's a paradox. All those suitors with their
courtship and fancy presents didn't get the slightest bit of
gratitude from Samantha. Yet here I was-- a roommate and
friend of the family-- and Samantha cooked and cleaned for
me, made dinner whenever my friends came over, and took


44
care of me whenever l was ill, in spite of the fact that I was
not her boyfriend (she never liked me in that sense). So
what's the lesson in all this?
         The lesson is: single guys with fancy presents get
nothing but suspicion. I'm sure you've seen television
commercials where a young well dressed man suddenly spies
a beautiful woman and then rushes into the street to buy her a
bouquet of flowers (or a cola). The idea here is that flattery,
and buying commercial products will get you everywhere.
But it's not true. When she gets the flowers, chances are that
she'll smile because her self image gets a boost, and not
because she likes you. She'll be flattered at her own prestige,
but it's no compliment to you.
         The appropriate time to give presents is after the
relationship has already bloomed. Never mind what they do
in the movies. Never declare your love early. If you're
already the girl's boyfriend, and you give her flowers, that's
great. You're a hero. You're considerate. But if the girl does
not already like you. and you give her flowers you've wasted
your money on a technique that loses nine times out of ten.
         So that’s rule number one: The only person who
appreciates your gifts is the person who is in love with you
anyway, without the gifts. What happens if you try to win
someone over who doesn’t already like you? That’s rule
number two! “If he takes two steps forward, don’t trust him
because he wants something from you. If he takes two steps
back, he’s a jerk. See, he didn’t get what he wanted, so now
he’s acting like a jerk.”




                                                            45
                     CHAPTER 7.
                   Great Pickup Lines


Example 1: HOW MARK MET SOPHIA
        “We both worked at the same department store. I had
known for about four months that Sophia liked me because I
was friends with one of Sophia's best friends, a girl whom
she often confided in, and one day the girl let it slip when I
asked her about Sophia. Any way, this girl told me that
Sophia liked me, and I knew it for four months but I didn't
have the courage to ask Sophia out on a date.
        One day there was a party that many of the
department store workers went to because it was a farewell
party for one of the guys who worked there. There was a lot
of alcohol and I came early. I shouldn't have drank so much,
but after a few hours I was too drunk to clearly remember
what happened.
        Sophia tells me that my breath smelled like alcohol,
and I looked at her straight in the eyes. Then I put one hand
on her shoulder and said, 'You're too young for me, but I like
you.’ Then she tried to walk away, but I held on to her
shoulder and said again, 'Hey. You're too young for me but I
like you. But I really like you.’ She avoided me the rest of the
night.
        Luckily she forgave me for that, and eventually we
became friends and then boyfriend and girlfriend.”

Example 2: SCOTT'S FIRST DATE WITH TIFFANY
       “Tiffany was in one of my classes at college. We
were in the same study group for a science class, and both of


46
us were immediately attracted to each other. After she gave
me a million hints I finally asked her to a movie. I said, ‘hey,
do you want to go to a movie?’
         Everything went wrong on that day. The night before,
Tiffany's roommates threw a big party, and her house was a
mess. On the night of the party, many of the guests were too
drunk to drive home, so Tiffany took their car keys from
them and hid the keys. But she forgot to hide her own keys,
so one of the guests 'borrowed' her car without her
knowledge. In addition, somebody threw up on her brand
new couch, so instead of going to the movies after I arrived,
Tiffany and I spent the time cleaning vomit and tracking
down her lost car.
         We finished early. So we went out to eat at an Italian
restaurant. The restaurant was great, but the street was
blocked off for an event called ‘farmer's market,’ when local
vendors bring carts full of goods and portable electric lights
and create an outdoor market for tourists and townspeople to
enjoy.
         After we finished eating, Tiffany and I decided to
explore the farmer's market. There was a small zoo there,
with some ponies and sheep, and Tiffany began to pet one of
the animals-- a donkey. The donkey mistook her finger for a
carrot and tried to bite Tiffany's finger off. Tiffany began
screaming. Somehow I remembered a trick I used to do on
my dog whenever it wouldn't let go of something. I would
hold it's nose and then when the dog gasped for breath it
would have to open it's mouth and drop the object. I tried this
trick on the donkey and it worked. I saved Tiffany's finger
from amputation. Tiffany's finger was in pretty bad shape,
but nothing was broken. After that, she asked to go home.
         In spite of this terrible first date, we went on many
other dates and eventually I married her.”


                                                             47
         Study these pickup lines carefully. The first one:
drink lots of alcohol, and then say, “You’re too young for
me, but I like you. I really like you.” The second one: “Hey.
Want to go to a movie?”
         As you can see, there is nothing special about either
of the two pickup lines. The pickup line is actually irrelevant.
No mere sentence is going to make someone go out with you.
The important part is that the girl already liked the guy
before he asked her out. In the first example, Mark says,
“Any way, this girl told me that Sophia liked me, and I knew
it for four months.” In the second example, Scott admits,
“both of us were immediately attracted to each other. After
she gave me a million hints I finally asked her to a movie.”
To ensure success, it’s more important to know whether
there’s previous mutual attraction than to rely on a pickup
line or a gift.

        I have a female friend named Akiko. She used to
work as a part-time bartender at a jazz bar in Tokyo, and she
told the story of a man who had fallen in love with her. He
would come in a few times a week, and make small talk
while she was on shift. Soon he was coming to the bar every
night. To Akiko talking to the customers was a job. But to
the nameless man, the talk really meant something. Soon the
man began bringing gifts to the bar in an attempt to win
Akiko’s favor.
        Akiko’s reaction was swift; she became scared and
asked a male friend to accompany her home on nights.
Certainly the guy who kept bringing gifts must be a psycho,
she thought. When the man tried to follow her home one
night, Akiko became terrified. She took a vacation from
working at the bar at the request of her concerned boss. To


48
make a long story short, the man who had a crush on her
eventually committed suicide when he believed Akiko had
left the bar without leaving a forwarding address.
         What was the secret to his failure? The secret was
that he believed the movies. You know the story: a shy nice
girl gets swept off her feet by a heroic Prince Charming
bearing gifts and trinkets. That doesn’t work in real life. In
reality no amount of gifts or magic talk will convince a
person who isn’t attracted to you to be attracted. Either a
person likes you, or they don’t, and there’s no way to
convince them otherwise.




                                                             49
                 CHAPTER 8.
      How to Know if the Attraction is Mutual


QUIZ 1. See if you can tell when a person loves you, doesn’t
love you, or is fooling you!

         Listed below are 15 lines, on which you will write
either Yes, No, or Trick . Assume you are a man. In six of
these situations the woman absolutely positively 100% surely
has strong feelings for you. In five of these situations there’s
a 100% chance the woman has absolutely no romantic
feelings for you at all, and you should give up immediately.
In four of these situations the woman is just being friendly
or accommodating, or she may be for her own ego with no
romantic intentions. Read each situation. Write “Yes” on the
line if you think the woman likes you. Write “No” on the line
if you think the woman has no romantic feelings for you.
Write “Trick” if you think the woman is flirting with you, but
not necessarily will go out with you.

1.   ______ The person sends you gifts (cards don’t count).

2.   ______ The person smiles at you often.

3.   ______ The person doesn’t call you back.

4.   ______ The person accepts your phone calls and talks to
     you for a long time.




50
5.    ______ The person always accepts your gifts or
      invitations.

6.    ______ The person calls just to say “hi.”

7.    ______ The person often touches your shoulder, holds
      your hand, etc.

8.    ______ The person walks in step with you and mimics
      your body language.

9.    ______ The person doesn’t walk in step with you.

10.   ______ The person gives you frequent compliments.

11.   ______ The person spontaneously laughs at all your
      weak jokes as if all your jokes are funny, even though
      you don’t think your jokes are so funny..

12.   ______ You propose a fun outing and the person replies,
      “Well, give me a call.”

13.   ______ During a phone call, the person says, “Thank you
      for calling” at the end of the call.

14.   ______ The person doesn’t contact you when it’s your
      birthday, Christmas, or Valentine’s Day.

15.   ______ The person always invites you.




                                                               51
          ANSWERS TO QUIZ 1 of CHAPTER 8

1.   The person sends you gifts (cards don’t count). Answer:
     Yes, interested at this moment.

2.   The person smiles at you often. Answer: Trick. Don’t
     fall for it.

3.   The person doesn’t call you back. Answer: No, not
     interested.

4.   The person accepts your phone calls and talks to you for
     a long time. Answer: Trick. Don’t fall for it.

5.   The person always accepts your gifts or invitations.
     Answer: Trick. Don’t fall for it.

6.   The person calls just to say “hi.” Answer: Yes, interested
     at this moment.

7.   The person often touches your shoulder, holds your hand,
     etc. Answer: Yes, interested at this moment.

8.   The person walks in step with you and mimics your body
     language. Answer: Yes, if done unconsciously.
     However, surprisingly, some people do this deliberately
     because they are taught to do so by business interview
     guidebooks.

9.   The person doesn’t walk in step with you. Answer: No,
     not interested.



52
10.   The person gives you frequent compliments. Answer:
      Trick. Don’t fall for it.

11.   The person spontaneously laughs at all your weak jokes
      as if all your jokes are funny, even though you don’t
      think your jokes are so funny.. Answer: Yes, interested
      at this moment.

12.   You propose a fun outing and the person replies, “Well,
      give me a call.” Answer: No, not interested.

13.   During a phone call, the person says, “Thank you for
      calling” at the end of the call. Answer: No, not
      interested.

14.   The person doesn’t contact you when it’s your birthday,
      Christmas, or Valentine’s Day. Answer: No, not
      interested.

15.   The person always invites you. Answer: Yes, interested
      at this moment.


Example 1: A SITUATION YOU SHOULD AVOID
         Conrad was a mechanical engineering student who
fell in love with Ramona. He made a lot of eye contact with
her, and every time he saw her, he smiled and she smiled
back radiantly. Occasionally, she made comments like “Oh.
You changed your hairstyle. I like your new look.” Conrad
took the hint and began to call her. They had no problems
finding things to say. The conversations were free-flowing



                                                                53
and often lasted about an hour. At the end of each
conversation, Ramona would say, “Thanks for calling.” In
the end, Conrad was a fool. Ramona never really liked him;
he took all the wrong hints. Somewhat embittered, Conrad
later claimed, “She led me on.”
         Why do girls do this? From the guys point of view,
girls sit back and count how many people ask them to dance,
just to stoke their egos. Then, they let men make fools of
themselves. They lead us on, pat themselves on the back, and
then pull the rug out from under our feet. Isn't it less cruel to
just tell a guy straight that you don't like him, than to let him
spend a fortune on flowers only to make himself took like a
fool?
         The women's point of view is different. I once asked
a female friend why women act so nice to men whom they
are not even interested in. Her answer was that women find it
very difficult to be mean. She said, “Women are raised to be
accommodating. They want to be nice all the time. They
want to say nice things. They don't want to dash the man's
hopes. They don't want to be cruel.” So women never say
anything mean, and the end result is that the man tries and
tries and tries and spends and spends and spends until he
finally expends himself, without the woman ever having to
mouth a cruel word.
         What were Conrad's mistakes?

a. Conrad didn't wait for Ramona to say, “Oh, we should.
why Don't we. we ought to.” Instead, he mistakenly took her
compliments as a hint, and began to call her. He didn’t know
that in romance, the woman always makes the first
suggestion. He shouldn’t have called until after her
suggestion.



54
b. When Conrad called, he thought the conversations went
well. He mistakenly believed that Ramona liked him because
they had very long phone calls. In reality, Ramona was
entertained by the phone calls, and was just being polite and
accommodating.

         First and foremost, the thing to remember is that a
girl won't like you consistently. Your influence level with her
is always changing, and it's a good idea to keep a close eye
on it so that you know when to be romantic, and when not a
pressure her (she’ll think you are manipulative and sneaky if
you pressure her). People are people, so even if you are
romantically interested in someone, you should just treat her
normally, like you would any other person. If, however, she
hints that she is romantically interested in you as well, then
you should “strike while the iron is hot,” and make every
effort to win her heart.
         How can you know when someone is interested in
more than friendship? This is where men get into trouble.
Men are so optimistic that if a pretty girl only says, “Hi,”
they think to themselves. “A ha! I knew it! She likes me!”
Optimistic men view any attention as a sign that someone
likes them. This is very sad, because it leads to heartbreak.
         These are the most common traps. Don’t believe
them!

a.   The woman makes frequent eye contact or flirtatious
     glances.

b.   She smiles at you often.

c.   She compliments you whenever she sees you.



                                                             55
d.   She accepts your phone calls or talks to you a long time.

        As you can see, all of the above can easily be
mistaken for romantic signals, but taken alone, they are not.
Everyone likes to flirt, and it makes a person happy when
others consider him/her attractive. Such a happy person may
smile, look you in the eye, or talk to you in person or on the
phone, but the actions listed above are actions that any nice
person might do for a friend or acquaintance. These signals
mean nothing more than friendship. They shouldn’t be
mistaken for romantic intentions. That would be wishful
thinking!
        Sometimes the person you are interested in will want
give you a definite “back off” signal. But more often than
not, they won’t communicate clearly because they don’t want
to sound blunt, or cruel. For example, they might like you as
a friend, so they wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings, even if
they don’t want you as a romantic partner. So instead, they
will give you a “stay away” hint.

         Let's review how the situation should happen. The
romance game-- who does what? Through work, school,
social life, someone’s introduction, or by accident, let’s say
you meet an interesting person, somebody you find
attractive- a possible romantic partner. You are just
acquaintances or possibly friends, and you’re wondering
whether the attraction might be mutual, whether she might be
interested in you as well. What should you do now?
         The short answer is, you should talk. Don’t talk about
anything serious such as math, science, your philosophy, or
personal opinions. Flirting is in no way related to debate.
You don’t need to talk for a long time, either. A simple “Hi”


56
and a “Bye” is all that’s necessary, and maybe one sentence
in between about the weather, gossip, or whatever the
situation happens to be at the time. Then leave.
        The very best thing that could happen to you is if she
becomes curious about you, and you get an opportunity to
see her again, and make small talk and leave again. Why is it
best to leave? Why shouldn’t you say much? Because it
keeps her curious. The less you say, the more curious she
becomes. Then, when the time comes (about 3 visits later)
for you to have a longer conversation with her, you don’t
have to worry about what you will say to her. Instead, she’ll
be so curious that she does all the talking, and you won’t
have to worry about not knowing what to say.
        During these extremely brief conversations you have
with her, pay careful attention to eye contact and smiles. If
she seems interested in you, and stares directly into your
eyes, smiles a lot, and even offers compliments (“that’s a
nice tie”), then she may want nothing more than friendship.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking that she likes you. In order
to find out whether she really likes you or not, it will be
necessary to have an even longer conversation and pay
attention to certain hints.
        When you finally stop to talk to her for a good length
of time (about 20 minutes), one of the best things you can do
is to walk, talk, and try to be entertaining. If, while you’re
walking, you notice she walks in step with you, that’s a very
good sign! Conversely, if she doesn’t walk in step with you,
she’s not interested. Give up. Another good sign is if she
laughs heartily at all your jokes (polite chuckles don’t count)
even when you don’t think your jokes are so funny.
Conversely, if she isn’t entertained when you try to be
entertaining, or if she seems half-hearted or laughing only
out of politeness, she’s not interested in you romantically.


                                                             57
         After a walk it might be nice to stop for a coffee or a
snack. When you are both seated, pay careful attention to her
body language.
         Perform the following experiment:
         As you talk, lean forward, place your left elbow on
the table, and put your left hand on your chin. Maintain eye
contact, but in the corner of your eye observe her discreetly,
to see if she mimics your action. If she also places an elbow
on the table, and touches her face with her hand, that’s a sign
that she likes you. Then as you continue to converse, lean
backwards and discreetly cross one leg or bring it up so that
one leg rests on another. See if she subconsciously mimics
the motion by crossing her own legs or re-aligning them. If
the woman you are interested in follows your lead and
subconsciously mimics all your body language, then there’s a
very good chance that she likes you. Now glance down and
up quickly and try to spot a gold band on the ring finger of
her left hand. The experiment is over.
         Even after you know for sure that a woman has
romantic interest in you, there are still good reasons why she
may never go out on a date with you. The two most common
reasons are prior commitment and pride. A woman who is
already committed to a husband or a boyfriend may signal
that she’s attracted to you a thousand times in a thousand
different ways. But if she’s truly committed to her husband
or boyfriend, and their relationship is healthy, she still won’t
go out with you. She’s a person of good character, a classy
lady, and her husband or boyfriend should count himself
lucky to have so loyal a partner.
         Pride is another factor. Some women are extremely
conscious of how other women view them. Even though they
think you are nice and even attractive, they wouldn’t want to
be seen with you because they don’t want other women to


58
see them with someone who isn’t tall, famous, or handsome.
In their opinion, it would make them look less classy. Don’t
be discouraged if you come across someone who is too
committed or too proud to accept you as a suitor; sometimes
they still might accept you as a platonic friend.
        If you’re lucky you may just encounter an
uncommitted someone who doesn’t care what others think.
Someone who gives you all the right hints.

Six good indications that a person likes you:
1. The person calls you on the telephone just to say “hi.”

2.   The person touches your shoulder, holds your hand, etc.

3.   The person walks in step with you and mimics your body
     language.

4.   The person laughs at all your weak jokes as if all your
     jokes are funny, even though you don’t think your jokes
     are so funny.

5.   The person always invites you.

6.   The person sends you gifts other than greetings cards.

Four indications that mean nothing more than
friendship:
1. The person smiles at you often.

2.   The person gives you frequent compliments.

3.   The person accepts your phone calls and talks to you for
     a long time.


                                                              59
4.   The person always accepts your gifts or invitations.

Seven surefire indications that it’s time to dump this
person as a romantic interest. If you get even one of these
signals, bail out!

1.   During a phone call with a person of the opposite sex, the
     person says to you, “Thank you for calling” at the end of
     the call. (However, an email or snail mail “thank you for
     writing” does not mean “No.”)

2.   You propose a fun outing and the person replies, “Well,
     give me a call.”

3.   The person doesn’t call you back.

4.   The person doesn’t contact you when it’s your birthday,
     Christmas, or Valentine’s Day.

5.   The person doesn’t walk in step with you or mimic your
     body language.

6.   The person doesn’t give weight to your opinions.
     (“That’s true, but my friend said something else.”)

7.   The person treats you as if you are fragile and smaller
     than she is (“Oops. I almost hurt your foot.”).




60
                 CHAPTER 9.
   Where to Find the Woman of Your Dreams


Example 1: CLASSIFIED ADS AND SINGLES CLUBS
         My shy friend Don Lee was interested in finding a
girlfriend, so he tried the classified ads. He wrote this
personal ad about himself in the newspaper: “Romantic
Stallion seeks a woman who loves life as he does.”
However, nobody answered his ad, so he decided to answer
an ad that a woman named Melody had written in the same
newspaper.
         From the ad Don was able to get Melody’s phone
number. It was love at first voice. I was living in the same
apartment as Don at the time, and I remember Don said to
me, “She has a voice like an angel. I just know she’s the right
girl for me.”
         I replied, “That’s right. Last night you spent 40
minutes on the phone. It seems like you guys spend hours
talking to each other.”
         “She’s just an easy person to talk to,” said Don. “I
feel like I’ve known her all my life.”
         “When are you two going to finally meet face to
face?” I asked him.
         “Tomorrow night,” he said, in an excited voice.
         They arranged to meet at a local restaurant. That
afternoon, Don was so excited by the prospect of meeting
Melody at the restaurant, that he went to the restaurant early.
He parked his car in the restaurant parking lot, and waited for
other cars to enter the lot.




                                                            61
        From the main road the cars made a right hand turn to
enter the parking lot. Sleek sports cars entered. Small
economy cars entered. Big luxury cars entered. Some of the
cars contained women, but Don would say to himself, “No.
That can’t be her; that woman’s too old. And that one’s too
young. And that one over there has her family with her.” As
each minute passed, he became more and more nervous.
        Don waited for about a half an hour. Then, about five
minutes before the appointed time, he saw a rusty old blue
car enter the parking lot. The blue vehicle turned off the
highway and rocked from side to side like a person entering a
boat in water as it steadied and came closer towards the
restaurant. The rocking slowed and leveled out as the car
coasted into a nearby parking space. The driver side door
opened, and huge foot could be seen beneath the blue door,
now open. The car rocked again, as the woman shifted her
weight onto the big foot and out of the car. Now the woman
lumbered determinedly towards the front door of the food
establishment. Don felt a lump growing in his throat. He
realized with a faint heart that the large lady was
undoubtedly Melody.
      Don was so intimidated by Melody's size that he was
almost too afraid to introduce himself. But he felt it was his
duty to go into the restaurant and continue with the date. To
make a long story short, today Melody and Don are still good
acquaintances, but Don now has a phobia about classified
advertisements. He refuses to answer another ad.
        Next Don joined a singles club. The singles club had
events such as parties, games, tours, and ski trips, but for
some reason, the women in the club didn’t find Don
attractive. But one day Don's sister Hilary visited him from
Vancouver. That was the day the singles club was holding a



62
barbecue for new members, so Don decided to take Hilary
along.
        At the barbecue party, two new girls mistook Hilary
for Don's girlfriend. Don's sister got into a conversation with
them, and the three women began discussing the attributes of
various men in the singles club. Hilary said to them, “Why
don’t you try Don? He’s kind and wonderful and strong. He
has a great personality, and a good job. He’s very
hardworking.”
        Not long afterward, Hilary returned to Vancouver.
This time, the same women who had been ignoring him
previously were now vying for Don’s attention. That very
night a girl from the party named Christine gave Don her
phone number and asked him to call her. Christine eventually
became Don’s girlfriend.

Example 2: BIBLE STUDY
        My friend Henry Tseng tells me that the best place to
meet girls is at Christian Bible study or a local church singles
group. Henry is part of a club called the Chinese Christian
Fellowship.
        At that time, I was temporarily staying at Henry’s
apartment. He was still bald then, and sensitive about his
appearance (he had hair at the sides, but none at the top), so
he was too shy to approach women. I asked him, “Don't you
feel guilty about trying to pick up women in a bible study
group. I mean, shouldn't you be studying religion there?”
        But Henry said, “No. It's called fellowship. You
spend time with people of similar values. It’s the easiest way
to meet girls who don’t drink, smoke, or swear. You know,
the traditional type.”
        The first woman Henry met at bible study was a girl
named Margie. Soon after meeting her, Henry made the


                                                              63
mistake of trying to give Margie his best homemade lasagna.
He baked it in a pie pan in the oven at the apartment and then
covered the pie pan with foil and then drove his car to her
house.
        Margie rejected Henry. He was too suspicious and
pushy, she thought.
        Henry, feeling insecure, thought that the rejection was
because he was partially bald. So he got a hair transplant
operation, and then he tried to get another date with Margie.
But she wouldn’t trust him, so he soon gave up.
        Next, Henry arranged a romantic moonlight cruise
along the California coast, with another girl from bible study.
By coincidence, an old childhood friend named Minnie, who
had gone to the same middle school and played in the same
marching band as Henry, had moved into the same
neighborhood and was now going to the same bible study as
Henry.
        Minnie was a nurse now, but she was still single, and
quite pretty. Henry found out later, that there was a good
reason why Minnie was so pretty, yet still single. Minnie
was sexually molested as a child, and after that early
childhood experience, she could not bring herself to trust
men ever again.
        Henry's clumsy attempts to be romantic on the cruise
were seen by Minnie as attempts at manipulation. Minnie
completely ignored Henry during the cruise. She stared at
him angrily when the boat came to shore, and Henry has not
seen her since then.
        Henry’s problem was that he hadn't yet learned the
lesson that a man is considered manipulative if he tries to
heap gifts upon a woman who hasn’t already selected him in
advance. Henry made a big mistake by trying to make the
first move on Margie, and made another mistake by trying to


64
make the first move on Minnie the nurse. While he saw
himself as romantic, the women saw him as untrustworthy,
calculating, and desperate. As a result, Henry was rejected
twice in the same month.
          In spite of all this, Henry still tells me that bible study
is still the best place to meet women. He says his main
problem is not meeting women, but what to do after he meets
them.

Example 3: ANY PLACE
        A friend of mine, an immigrant from El Salvador
who goes by the name of Sergio, tells me that you can meet a
girl anywhere.

        First some background information:
        Sergio is by no means attractive. He’s a young
bearded man with spectacles, of medium height and medium
build: qualities which are not unattractive. The ugly thing
about Sergio is his hygiene. In fact, he is not in the habit of
taking daily baths or brushing his yellowed teeth or wild
beard. He doesn’t believe in hygiene. In the kitchen of
Sergio’s apartment there is a sprawling pile of debris on the
floor- - instead of a neat garbage bin, bag, or can. The old
coffee grounds and orange juice stains lie directly on the
floor, among live insects. When I visit, I sometimes see
roaches scuttle across the kitchen counter.
        Sergio is also a man so possessed by animal instincts
that he eats food before it is completely cooked, because he
gets too hungry watching it as he stirs it on the stove. For
example, he often eats rice while it is still grainy and half
done, or beans while still boiling in the pot, before they
become soft. Sergio usually gets a stomachache 30 minutes
after eating the raw beans, but he never learns his lesson. He


                                                                  65
also consistently burns his mouth on the half cooked food.
I’ve seen Sergio scald his fingertips, mouth and tongue on
hot pizza because he can't wait for it to cool. Rather, he bites
into it the moment the oven door opens. He can’t help it.
He’s a man of overwhelming animal passions. Simply, he
must eat. Sergio will drink alcohol at the same speed that he
drinks water. Once the glass reaches his lips, he simply must
drink. And when Sergio talks to a woman, he talks to her
chest rather than her face because he is fascinated by breasts.
In short, Sergio is a man of intense appetites and single-
minded focus.
         One day Sergio was approached by a woman who had
a crush on him. “Theresa” had secretly admired Sergio from
afar. Needless to say, Sergio's dirtiness overwhelmed poor
“Theresa,” and after the first date she smelled him and did
not go on another date. (At that time he was in the habit of
taking clothes directly from the hamper or dirty laundry pile
and wearing them; he used cologne to mask the scent.)
         Another woman who admired Sergio from afar was
Aileen. But on their first date someone had left the TV on at
Aileen's apartment. After murmuring “hi” to Aileen's breasts,
Sergio turned and set himself down on the couch. He became
so engrossed with some of the television sitcoms that he
completely neglected conversation with his host Aileen.
         The thing that utterly amazes me about Sergio, is that
no matter how disgusting he seems, there always seems to be
some lady out there who doesn’t know him well, who
fantasizes about him from afar. So Sergio says to me, “Forget
about location. It’s not important. No matter who you are,
somebody out there is in love with you. It’s just a matter of
making good on that opportunity.”
         So who are we to believe? Don Lee (“Try Classified
Ads and Singles Groups”); Henry Tseng (“Bible Study is the


66
best place to meet nice girls”), or; Sergio from El Salvador
(“Forget about location. No matter who you are, somebody
out there is in love with you. But do you love them?)?

         I took an informal poll among some male friends, and
this is what they said about various place to meet women:

1. School
        “College days are the best days of your life. It’s easy
to meet people because there are always so many chances to
meet women in classes, activities, or the dormitory. Some
girls don’t even go to college to study. They’re looking for
their MRS degree. Married Real Soon.”

2. Volunteer groups
       “If I were to move to a new area where I didn't know
anybody, one of the first things I'd do is join a volunteer
group. Chances are, I'd meet energetic, pioneering, altruistic
people and a 50/50 mix of guys/girls.”

3. Dance clubs and bars
     “Don’t go unless you’re really good at handling
rejection.”

4. Office
      “It depends on the office and the ratio. People gossip a
lot, too, so look out.”

5. Internet Romance
     “I’ve heard of it happening, but it hasn’t happened to
me.” (See Chapter 18)

6. Correspondence with Foreign Women (See Chapter 18)


                                                               67
7.  Become a Muslim
      “Why don’t you become a Muslim, like me? In Islamic
culture it’s the parents’ and friends’ responsibility to hook
you up with the perfect woman. It’s beneath our dignity to
chase women around and get rejected, and besides, family
and friends know you best and aren’t blinded by short-term
lust. They’ll hook you up with someone good.”




68
                   CHAPTER 10.
              Making a Good Impression


        Suppose all the men in the world were poor,
unpopular, and impoverished. And ugly too. What kind of
men would women prefer then? This might not be as far
fetched as it sounds. Remember, people live in little cliques.
It may well be that within the clique that you are a member
of, nobody in particular really stands out and gets noticed. In
that case, how could you make people notice you more?
        I took an informal survey of my female friends . What
makes a man get noticed? They all seemed to agree on
TALL, and CHARMING . So if you're at least tall, you have
nothing to worry about; somebody will fall in love with you.
And if you’re charming, you have nothing to worry about;
somebody will fall in love with you.
        But how do you make yourself look taller or become
more charming?

Four surefire ways to increase your charm:

1.   Be happy.

2.   Keep a clean and stylish appearance.

3.   Expose yourself to more situations involving the opposite
     sex.

4.   Master eye contact and good conversation skills.




                                                            69
          Let’s ignore height for the moment and concentrate
on charm. The first step to being charming is to appear
upbeat and happy. The easiest way to be happy is to do the
things that make you happy. The easiest way to become
unhappy is to dwell on your loneliness. Therefore, the first
order of business is to forget about women for the moment
and concentrate on doing things in life which make you
happy. It seems contradictory that forgetting women is
actually better for attracting women, but it’s true. Since
women shun those who seem desperate, lonely, and needy,
the more you forget that you’re lonely, the better off you’ll
be. It’s like using reverse psychology. The trick to it is to
forget about women, but not completely; make sure you’re
still in the kinds of group situations where you’re always
exposed to women. Maximize exposure, but never make it
obvious that you’re lonely.
          An alternate way and easy way to look more cheerful
than you actually are is to exaggerate your facial expressions
and animate your gestures. If you feel happy, show it in your
face more than usual. If you feel surprised, lift your eyebrows
higher than usual. If you feel excited or energetic, then get
those hands moving. If you are telling a story about what
happened to someone, then partially act it, rather than just
telling it. A person who is stiff, wooden, who barely betrays
emotion is seen as cold and snobbish. But a person who
exaggerates emotion is seen as open, cheerful, and energetic,
entertaining, and warm. Large gestures and exaggerated
facial expressions will “break the ice” with people of any age
group or culture. By seeming happy and upbeat, you will
increase your powers of attraction.
          Another common sense thing you can do to improve
your attractiveness is to try to look your best at all times.
Since new acquaintances will judge you by their first


70
impression, altering your appearance can be a good idea.
That is to say, you should make the most of your bodily
attributes, your clothing, the way you walk and carry
yourself, your physical fitness, and your personal hygiene.
Take, for example, the idea of enhancing your bodily
proportions. It’s a maxim among women that a good tall man
beats a good short man of the same qualifications, and a fit
man beats a flabby guy, all other things being equal. But you
can easily make yourself appear taller or more fit by selecting
proper clothing. For example, vertical patterns and dark
clothing make you look both thinner and taller. Hats,
platform shoes, or large hairstyles can make you look taller.
Horizontal stripes, large hairstyles, thick sweaters, or layered
clothing make you look bigger and stronger. And looking
bigger also makes you look taller. Anything that gives you a
more dramatic presence is going to make you look taller.
        Speaking of hair, parting the hair on the left side
looks more masculine and assertive than parting it on the
right. (Ever notice how Clark Kent parts his hair on the right,
but Superman parts it on the left?)
        Clothing and accessories can affect more than just the
way your height is perceived. Jewelry, facial hair, and
expensive clothing make you look older and more
distinguished. A ring makes you look more sophisticated.
Shorts and a T-shirt, or sweatpants make you look younger or
poorer. Darker colors look good on darker skin, and
minimize the impact of your darkness; lighter colors on
lighter skin can minimize the impact of your paleness.
Flannel and cotton can make you appear more relaxed and
casual. A lot can be done with clothing.
        No matter what kinds of clothing you elect to wear,
keep in mind one important point: always project an image of
neatness and cleanness. Even if you don’t shave for five


                                                             71
days, your hair and nails should be immaculate. Nobody likes
a slob. Good clothing does not have to be expensive, either.
This is the way women think: if you comb your hair and
brush your teeth, and wear clothing that is tasteful, well-
ironed and clean then you are still attractive, no matter what
the price of the clothing is.
         Does this mean you have to walk around with perfect
hair and a three piece suit all day? Not necessarily. Try to
match the clothing with the occasion. But dress at least as
well as what you think the classiest guy (not including the
waiter or sales staff) in the place will be wearing. Many men
think that dressing up is unnatural and even egotistical, i.e.
that men dress up to make themselves look good. However,
women view dressing up differently than men do. They think
that when a male partner dresses up, it honors the female
partner. Women dress for success; men should too. But don’t
spend a fortune; neatness beats flash.
         Appearance isn’t the only consideration when making
a good impression. One advanced trick of making a good
impression is to always been seen in a position where you
have a high status within the group where the action is taking
place. For example, suppose you meet a possible romantic
interest at a wedding, and you are the best man, and all the
groom’s relatives love you and think you’re a great guy. This
girl is going to think you’re a great guy too, and will end up
with a good first impression of you at the end of the night.
But let’s say you meet the same girl at a party instead of a
wedding. This time, she hears two of her girlfriends say, “I
hear that he is really weird.” In that case your popularity with
the new girl will suddenly take a plunge.
         If you take a new date to family gathering, where the
people think highly of you, your date will also thinking
highly of you. But if you take your date to a party where most


72
of the people don’t know you or believe erroneous things
about you, your date may come away with a false impression.
It’s unfortunate, but very true that your romantic partner’s
impressions of you are biased. Her opinion of you is formed
partially by copying what other people think. You can take
advantage of this fact. For example, in a group date you
should go out with a group in which you have high status.
And you shouldn’t attend events in which you’re the low
man on the totem pole. Make excuses to get out of events
where you’ll look too out of place; chances are, your female
friend is thinking of doing the same.

Quote of the day:
     “Dress at least as well as what you think the classiest
guy in the place will be wearing.”




                                                               73
                     CHAPTER 11.
                      Sweet Talk


         When someone begins to think that you are attractive,
conversation soon follows, so to be truly charming a man
absolutely must have good conversation skills. If you’re
deathly afraid of conversation or sounding stupid, don’t
worry. The good news is, it’s easier than it sounds because
flirtatious conversation doesn’t even involve much real
conversing. This is what one girl wrote:
         “Yeah, from my personal experience, I've noticed that
women are more sensitive in the sense that there is always
empathy when one is confiding in another woman. However,
when a woman confides in a man, the man tends to give
suggestions and answers, and this is not what a woman
wants. What a woman wants is a listening ear, and sounding
board, not an answer provider. Men just don't understand the
intricacies of a woman.”
         Translation: You don’t really have to be a good
talker. You just have to seem attentive.
         Basically, women converse differently than men do.
Men speak in a problem/solution format. One man has a
problem. Another offers a suggestion. “Why don’t you do
this.” One man makes an observation. The other man agrees,
disagrees, or makes a suggestion. Women, on the other hand,
don’t like disagreement and they don’t like suggestions. They
talk to get feelings off their chests. They don’t want
suggestions, solutions, or answers. Not even with when
they’re telling you about their problems. They don’t even
want these problems to be solved.


74
        It’s a human nature thing. Men are built to solve
problems. Women are built to survive problems. Back in the
days of prehistory, men went out to confront marauding
lions, while women stayed in the village consoling people,
nurturing children, keeping society together, and making all
the scared people feel good. Then in the days of wartime,
men went out to break the siege while women held the fort;
men fought wars, while women kept the homes and factories
going. And these days, it is still the man who looks under the
hood of the broken vacation car, while the woman stays
inside and keeps the kids from quarreling. Men are
concerned with action; women deal with peoples’ feelings.
Men face problems. Women endure them.
        This difference in psychology amounts to a kind of
communication gap.
        Women don’t talk to hear your answers. They don’t
talk for the sake of debate. They talk to get their feelings
aired. They want you to say, “Yes, I know what you mean.
That’s what I would do in that situation.” When a woman
tells you about her day, you’re just supposed to get the story
out of her, and react to the story. You’re not supposed to
solve anything or offer real suggestions, even if she presents
the story as a problem. You’re just supposed to be a
supportive listener. Keep good eye contact and say things
like, “So what happened? That’s true. How did so and so
react?”
        Remember, men are action creatures built to detect
and to solve, to hammer out conclusions, argue out plans of
action. But women aren’t. They are built to support people,
and provide a listening ear. That’s also what they want in a
conversation: support and accommodation. A listener, not
somebody who offers answers.



                                                            75
        Women also engage in a peculiar form of
doublespeak. For example, at the end of the date, you say,
“It’s nice weather out here.” You’re talking about the
weather, of course. But the woman hears a little voice in her
head saying, “Oh. He just said he thinks I’m a nice person.”
The man says, “I had a good time at the restaurant, but the
steak tasted funny.” The woman hears “He likes me, but he
might have some doubts about me.” The man says, “What a
terrible amusement park that was!” The woman thinks, “He
had a terrible time with me. Maybe he doesn’t like me.”
Since women talk to air out their feelings, its possible when
on a date that a woman will interpret anything you say as a
hint to how you feel about her. One the best things you could
say at the end of a date is, “That was a good restaurant. I had
a good time.” The woman will take it as a compliment about
herself, not the restaurant!
        Another thing you should watch is the way you
present yourself in conversation. There are four types of
conversation to steer away from when talking to a woman
you are romantically interested in.

There are four types of guys that women hate to flirt
with:

1.   The argumentative guy.

2.   The guy who bares his soul.

3.   The arrogant guy

4.   The depressed guy.




76
         A man who immediately talks about politics,
philosophy, religion, science, or math to any woman
especially if the woman is not a politician, philosopher,
cleric, or scientist, simply is not flirting. He is debating. Real
honest to goodness flirting involves conversation about
meaningless things such as gossip, the weather, her day, her
hairstyle, clothes, interests, cool movies, pastimes, etc.
         In a relationship between a man and a woman, there
is also a subconscious power struggle taking place. The
woman is awed by the man’s presence; his physical power or
status attracts her. At the same time, she seeks to manipulate
and control his feelings for her. That’s how she attracts him.
Subconsciously, quite a few women have a subconscious
preference for men of equal or less intelligence. Dumb men
are more controllable in a relationship, and it doesn’t affect
the intelligence of the offspring, since intelligence is
probably passed on by female genes.
         But argumentative or idealistic intelligent men
present a problem for women. Not only are they hard to
control, but “loose cannons” might not be practical in terms
of material and financial stability. The only reason why a
woman would want an intelligent man is because sometimes
brilliance may mean more financial security or status.
Women in general don’t like intelligence for its own sake.
They label it, “hard to get along with.”
         Philosophical guys are another problem for women.
The tendency of a philosophical man is to want to “bare his
soul” and reveal his deepest thoughts to his beloved. Don't
do this. A man who thinks too deeply is scary to all but a few
women. “Turn the brain off,” my older sister once advised a
boyfriend. “It’s not romantic.”
         Arrogance and sadness are two more turnoffs during
conversations. If you are constantly the object of your own


                                                                77
conversations, and the hero of all your stories, then women
will run from you. Women want to be the object of your
attention, so a self centered man is seen as someone who
treats women poorly. Finally, the biggest romantic turnoff is
a man who reveals that he is chronically unhappy or
depressed. Unhappy people make everybody else feel down.
Depression is contagious.
        If you can’t debate, bare your soul, show off your
exploits, or tell a sad story, then what’s left to talk about?
That’s the whole idea; when flirting, it’s better not to talk so
much. Women like a good listener. They like absolute
attention. A man who doesn’t say much, but whose eyes and
ears absorb her every word supportively, is much more
attractive to a woman than a chatterbox.
        Eye contact is the last principle of romantic
conversation. Women want to see your eyes when you speak
because they put a lot of stock in people's eyes. They say
things like, “eyes are the window to the soul,” “his eyes were
so deep I could fall into them,” and “even in the smoky room
I was always aware of his eyes.” Always remember to look
them right in the eye when you listen to them.
        If all this seems a little confusing to you, the secret to
charm can be summed up in a few simple words: “Walk tall,
talk small, look clean, and listen well.”

Five surefire instant ways for ANYONE to increase their
charm:

1.   Be happy.

2.   Always look clean.

3.   Stay in situations where you have high status.


78
4.   Make small talk, and be an accommodating listener.

5.   Be a snappy dresser.

Five surefire turnoffs that decrease your charm:

1.   Look short and out of shape.

2.   Debate the truth, argue, or brag during conversations.

3.   Maintain bad body odor, bad breath, and dirty teeth.

4.   Neglect eye contact.

5.   Insert depressing or sad truths into conversations.




                                                              79
                      CHAPTER 12.
                      Romance Test 1

Romance Test 1

       Below are 12 different situations. To answer these
questions, read each situation, and then explain what you
would do in the given situation.

1.   A man and a woman are acquaintances. They make eye
     contact and are now in the middle of a conversation. First
     the guy rambles on about hobbies things that he likes to
     do. He mentions he enjoys dancing. The girl says,
     “That’s interesting. So do I. Which clubs do you usually
     go to?” The guy mentions a few clubs, and the woman
     says, “I’ve been to those, too.” What should the guy do
     now?

2.   A man and a woman are acquaintances. They make eye
     contact and are now in the middle of a conversation. First
     the guy rambles on about hobbies things that he likes to
     do. He mentions he enjoys dancing. The girl says,
     “That’s interesting. So do I. Which clubs do you usually
     go to?” The guy mentions a few clubs, and the woman
     says, “I’ve been to those. We ought to go out one of these
     days.” What should the guy do now?

3.   A man and a woman are acquaintances. They make eye
     contact and are now in the middle of a conversation. First
     the guy rambles on about hobbies things that he likes to
     do. He mentions he enjoys dancing. The girl says,


80
     “That’s interesting. So do I. Which clubs do you usually
     go to?” The guy mentions a few clubs, and the woman
     says, “I’ve been to those. We ought to go out one of these
     days.” The guy says, “What about Friday?” The girl says,
     “Well, give me a call.” What should the guy assume?
     What should he do?

4.   A man and a woman are acquaintances. They make eye
     contact and are now in the middle of a conversation. First
     the guy rambles on about hobbies things that he likes to
     do. He mentions he enjoys dancing. The girl says,
     “That’s interesting. So do I. Which clubs do you usually
     go to?” The guy mentions a few clubs, and the woman
     says, “I’ve been to those. We ought to go out one of these
     days.” The guy says, “What about Friday?” The girl says,
     “I’m busy Friday.” What should the guy assume? What
     should he do?

5.   David has an acquaintance named Evelyn. On his
     birthday, Evelyn sends him a nice postcard. What should
     he assume? What should he do?

6.   David has an acquaintance named Evelyn. On his
     birthday, Evelyn sends him a small box of candy. What
     should he assume? What should he do?

7.   Tina calls David, saying she wants to borrow some
     laundry soap for the coin laundry. What should David
     assume? What should he do?

8.   You’re walking with a female acquaintance, and for the
     first time, she places her hand on your shoulder or elbow.
     What should you assume? How should you respond?


                                                             81
9.    You’re walking in step with a female acquaintance, and
      for the first time, you notice she is walking in step with
      you, side by side. What should you probably do next?

10.   You’re talking with a girl. You make some humorous
      remarks or witty repartee, and she consistently laughs
      heartily or appears to be entertained more than usual.
      What’s the next move?

11.   A woman you are interested in invites you to the dullest
      event in the world. What should you do?

12.   A woman you are interested in answers your phone call.
      She laughs at all your jokes, and appears to be
      entertained. The phone call lasts one hour. Then she says,
      “Call again sometime.” Should you?


             ANSWERS TO ROMANCE TEST 1
                   of CHAPTER 12

1.    A man and a woman are acquaintances. They make eye
      contact and are now in the middle of a conversation. First
      the guy rambles on about hobbies things that he likes to
      do. He mentions he enjoys dancing. The girl says,
      “That’s interesting. So do I. Which clubs do you usually
      go to?” The guy mentions a few clubs, and the woman
      says, “I’ve been to those, too.” What should the guy do
      now? Answer: Nothing. It’s not the man’s job to make
      all the conversation.




82
2.   A man and a woman are acquaintances. They make eye
     contact and are now in the middle of a conversation. First
     the guy rambles on about hobbies things that he likes to
     do. He mentions he enjoys dancing. The girl says,
     “That’s interesting. So do I. Which clubs do you usually
     go to?” The guy mentions a few clubs, and the woman
     says, “I’ve been to those. We ought to go out one of these
     days.” What should the guy do now? Answer: He should
     suggest something. “Well, what are you doing this
     Friday?”

3.   A man and a woman are acquaintances. They make eye
     contact and are now in the middle of a conversation. First
     the guy rambles on about hobbies things that he likes to
     do. He mentions he enjoys dancing. The girl says,
     “That’s interesting. So do I. Which clubs do you usually
     go to?” The guy mentions a few clubs, and the woman
     says, “I’ve been to those. We ought to go out one of these
     days.” The guy says, “What about Friday?” The girl says,
     “Well, give me a call.” What should the guy assume?
     What should he do? Answer: He should assume she’s
     not interested. Anytime someone says, “give me a call,”
     it really means. “I’m not interested in you personally. I’m
     doing something else, but if that plan falls through, I
     might consider doing something else.” He should assume
     she’s busy Friday and do whatever he planned to do
     without her. If he still plans to go to the club, he could
     call her once.

4.   A man and a woman are acquaintances. They make eye
     contact and are now in the middle of a conversation. First
     the guy rambles on about hobbies things that he likes to
     do. He mentions he enjoys dancing. The girl says,


                                                              83
     “That’s interesting. So do I. Which clubs do you usually
     go to?” The guy mentions a few clubs, and the woman
     says, “I’ve been to those. We ought to go out one of these
     days.” The guy says, “What about Friday?” The girl says,
     “I’m busy Friday.” What should the guy assume? What
     should he do? Answer: What should the guy assume? He
     should assume she’s legitimately busy on Friday. He
     should try another day, but drop the subject if she rejects
     the alternate day.

5.   David has an acquaintance named Evelyn. On his
     birthday, Evelyn sends him a nice postcard. What should
     he assume? What should he do? Answer: He should
     assume she’s a friend and say thank you. Being sent a
     Christmas card or a postcard doesn’t mean anything
     romantic. Being sent a Valentine’s Day card is a definite
     romance hint. Being sent a birthday card may or may not
     be a romance hint.

6.   David has an acquaintance named Evelyn. On his
     birthday, Evelyn sends him a small box of candy. What
     should he assume? What should he do? Answer: He
     should assume she’s romantically interested in him. He
     should go on a thank you date with her if the interest is
     mutual.

7.   Tina calls David, saying she wants to borrow some
     laundry soap for the coin laundry. What should David
     assume? What should he do? Answer: Give her the
     laundry soap.




84
8.    You’re walking with a female acquaintance, and for the
      first time, she places her hand on your shoulder or elbow.
      What should you assume? How should you respond?
      Answer: You should assume she’s interested in you. A
      good response would be to place your hand on top of her
      hand.

9.    You’re walking in step with a female acquaintance, and
      for the first time, you notice she is walking in step with
      you, side by side. What should you probably do next?
      Answer: Test for more reactions. Joke around, see if she
      laughs, perhaps nudge her with your shoulder to see if
      she nudges back.

10.   You’re talking with a girl. You make some humorous
      remarks or witty repartee, and she consistently laughs
      heartily or appears to be entertained more than usual.
      What’s the next move? Answer: Try a couple more tests
      to see if she’s interested in you. For example, see if she
      mimics your body language. If you’re close enough and
      brave enough, try leaning shoulder to shoulder and see
      how she reacts.

11.   A woman you are interested in invites you to the dullest
      event in the world. What should you do? Answer: You
      should go to the dullest event in the world.

12.   A woman you are interested in answers your phone call.
      She laughs at all your jokes, and appears to be
      entertained. The phone call lasts one hour. Then she says,
      “Call again sometime.” Should you? Answer: No. If
      she’s interested in you, she’ll call you.



                                                              85
                 CHAPTER 13.
     The Golden Rule of Making the First Date

         One day I was with my friend Caroline when she
began to tell three or four girlfriends about a date she had
with Kevin, who by coincidence, also happened to be one of
my friends. “Oh! He's so cute” she exclaimed to the dreamy-
eyed other girls. “He invited me to go bungee jumping the
other day,” said Carol. “Oh my God!” replied the other girls
in high, excited voices.
         “Did you say yes?”
         “Of course,” said Caroline proudly.
         “What did you wear?!”
         The conversation went on.
         Now Kevin happened to be one of my friends, so
later I asked him if he had truly asked Caroline out on a date.
He told me his version of what had happened.
         “Well, there was this girl named Caroline at a night
class I was taking. I had passed by her a few times and never
said “Hi,” but she always looked friendly when she glanced
up every time I walked by her desk. There was a test in the
night class, and somehow we got in a study group together
and we got off the subject. Instead of studying, Caroline was
talking about hiking and stuff like that. It was her hobby.”
         “Is that when you asked her to go bungee jumping?” I
said.
         “No. I would never had the courage to ask a girl to go
with me. I had wanted to go bungee jumping before. I would
have gone by myself, but I didn't want to go alone.”
         “So, what happened?” I asked.




86
         “Well. during the conversation Caroline kept looking
up at me and smiling, so I got the impression she liked me.”
         “And then you asked her?”
         “No. I mentioned that I liked outdoorsy stuff too.
Then, while I was talking about about my rock climbing trip
last weekend, she asked me out on a date. She said, 'We
should get together and do something sometime.’ So then I
told her that I planned to go bungee jumping, and maybe she
might want to try it. And then she said it was a great idea and
let's do it together sometime, and when could we do it?”
         There is a great difference between Caroline's version
of the date and Kevin's version. In Caroline's version,
Caroline is minding her own business and suddenly
handsome dashing Kevin who is so cute and romantic
sweeps her off her feet. In Kevin's version, Kevin doesn't
have the nerve to be dashing. He talks about things which he
likes to do such as rock climbing, and then Caroline suggests
that they get together (“We should get together and do
something”). Only then does Kevin invite Caroline to go
bungee jumping.
         Caroline's story is the kind of story that you see in the
Disney movies. The lowly girl is wooed by Mr. Stud, who
makes a move on her. It's the kind of story that commercials
and movies like to portray, since it encourages the average
dateless man to buy hundreds of dollars worth of fancy
clothes, cologne, and jewelry in an attempt to look suave. He
also spends hundreds of dollars on expensive dinners, movie
tickets, and flowers in order to romance the woman of his
affections. Unfortunately, it’s all a Hollywood fairy tale. It's a
falsehood that the man makes the first move. It is the biggest
and oldest falsehood in the history of men and women that
men make the first move. Successful romantic men act on a
hint from the woman, while unsuccessful men try to push


                                                               87
themselves onto the women. The women actually make the
first move by saying, “we should, we ought to, let’s, why
don’t we.”
        In Kevin's version. Caroline selects Kevin as the
object of her affection before Kevin is aware that anything is
happening between them. Then she increases her eye contact
and pops the date question as soon as she hears something in
Kevin's conversation that coincides with one of her own
interests. “Oh,” she says. “We should do something together
some time.”
        “Oh, we should. Oh, we ought to. Why don't we et
cetera et cetera.” she says. After Caroline pops this general
question, Kevin suddenly realizes he’s being propositioned
and supplies specific details; he invites Caroline to go
bungee jumping.
        Here’s the golden rule of the first date: the woman
gives the hint. The man makes the suggestion. If no hint is
given, no suggestion should be made. The woman says, “Oh,
we should. Oh, we ought to. Why don't we.” For example,
while Kevin is talking about his rock climbing hobby,
Caroline says, “We should get together and do something
sometime.” The man then suggests a specific activity such
as a movie, a restaurant, bungee jumping, etc. For example,
Kevin might suggest “Well, what are you doing this
weekend? A couple of friends and I are going bungee
jumping; would you like to try it?” The woman then
approves or disapproves the man’s suggestion. “Okay,” she
says. “What time are you going?”
        In this modern world it's not the man's role to sweep
anybody off their feet, or to pressure any woman into liking
him. The man's role is to make himself as accessible as
possible. In conversation he does this by throwing out hints
about things he'd like to do. This may lead to nothing, or it


88
may lead the woman to make a general suggestion, “Oh we
should.” Then, if the woman makes a general suggestion, the
man suggests a specific fun or romantic activity. If the
woman doesn’t make a general suggestion, then the man
doesn’t chase her. This is the best method of asking for a
date from an acquaintance.
         There are many advantages of paying attention to this
golden rule. 1) You won't be suspected of being a psychotic,
a stalker, or “desperate.” 2) You won't be accused of sexual
harassment, or of being pushy, sneaky, or manipulative. 3)
You don't have to invent witty pickup lines. 4) You don't
have to make humiliating phone calls asking women for
dates. 5) You don't have to spend a lot of money on wild
schemes to attract dates.
         Let's review. The romance game-- who does what?
Two acquaintances are considering romance. First the boy
rambles on about things that he likes to do. The girl makes
the first move by popping the question (why don't we go out
some time, we should, we ought to, let's). The boy reacts
with a specific suggestion (okay, why not go bungee
jumping?). The girl approves or disapproves the plan. Then
both parties agree on the time and the place. If the girl does
not make the first move, the guy calls it quits. There is no
spark, and there’s no sense pretending there is.

The Golden Rule of First Dates:
        The woman makes the general suggestion. The man
supplies a more specific suggestion. If the woman doesn’t
suggest, give up already. There’s no way to make somebody
like you unless they already like you.




                                                            89
                     CHAPTER 14.
                   First Date Strategy


         “I have a crush on this girl in my bible study group,
but I took your advice and didn't send her love notes,
candies, or otherwise make wild and crazy advances,
although I'm crazy about her. I'm not handsome, but I've been
cheerful lately and not desperate. I'm a boring person, I study
a lot, I'm clean cut, and I dress neatly. So when will she
notice me? What do I do now? She's given me a little eye
contact. How do I tell if she likes me?”

        ANSWER: Eye contact is overrated. Every man and
his brother thinks that if a woman makes eye contact, it
means she probably likes him. But it’s only wishful thinking.
        They say in sales that a person must see an
advertisement nine times just to notice it once. And if the
person notices the ad three times (after seeing it a total of 27
times) the person may even act on the information. It's like
this way with people too. Suppose you see this girl every
weekday and one day you notice her looking at you. That's
time number one. You should say, “Hi,” or “Good morning,”
but nothing more. Suppose that, after nine more uneventful
meetings, the next week you feel someone staring at the back
of your head, and you turn around and catch her looking at
you. That's time number two. You should say “hi” again, and
nothing more. Now the third time it happens, you should say
more than just “hi.” You should have a short, meaningless
conversation. She's seen you in the background about 20
times, and has taken notice of you at least 3 times. She’s
probably somewhat curious. Now she might be ready to act!


90
        What should you say? Well, luckily you've already
refrained from talking twice. Remember, you’ve passed by
her twice and only said, “Hi,” and nothing more. This has
given the girl time for her curiosity to build up, so when it's
time for you to actually say something, the girl will do most
of the talking, since she's the most curious. If she's not
interested or curious about you, then make an excuse and
leave. No need to make a fool of yourself if you're obviously
unwelcome. But if she’s interested in you, you’re in luck.
        It's actually best not to say much because girls
generally give silent types the benefit of the doubt. In
romance, everyone’s an optimist. For example, if you make
small talk and don't reveal any of your deep opinions, you'll
be credited with good opinions. But if you pour your heart
out, you'll get no credit at all, and the woman may
misunderstand or take offense at your opinions. If you try to
speak intelligently, you'll intimidate or antagonize the girl.
But if you don't say anything intellectual, you'll be credited
with probably being intellectual but polite.

        Remember-- small talk. Small talk.
        Small talk. Talk about hairstyles, meaningless
unimportant things-- no world politics, no computer
wizardry. Nothing that sounds like argument or drawing
rational conclusions. The less you reveal, the more left to her
imagination, which is usually pretty optimistic.
        One other thing to remember about talking to girls;
they usually draw hidden meanings from your innocent
remarks about the atmosphere. For example, if you go on a
date, and you say, “that was a good movie,” she will hear,
“you are a good person.” And if you say, “that was a terrible
movie” she will hear, “you are a terrible person.” If you say,
“I had a nice time,” she will hear, “You are a nice person.”


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And if you say, “It was an okay time; I'll call you,” then she
will hear, “You are just okay. I may or may not call you.”
Any offhand remark you make about the situation, the
weather, or the date will be double-interpreted by the woman
as a possible personal comment about her. Therefore, when
you make the small talk, sound positive. She’ll think your
complimenting her.
        Every girl also has a best friend or confidant,
(perhaps a sister, roommate, or close friend) who is usually
your worst behind-the-scenes enemy. Soon after your short
conversation (if it still seems like she's attracted to you) she
will confide in her buddy that she has met Mr. Wonderful.
Her buddy will then warn her that you are bad news. “We
know what he's really after!” Her buddy will also be quick to
inform her of any malicious gossip she may hear concerning
you. So the next time you talk to her, be prepared to repair
some damage done to your reputation behind your back, but
don’t mention it if it doesn’t come up.
        Okay. Now you've had a short, meaningless
conversation or two with the girl of your dreams. It’s time to
determine whether or not she likes you. That’s simple
enough to do. Just go back to the Chapter in this book
entitled, “HOW TO KNOW IF THERE’S MUTUAL
ATTRACTION.” The next time you see her, take a walk
with the girl and try to be entertaining. See if she laughs an
unusual amount or walks in step with you. Sit down and have
a coffee with her; see if she follows your lead in body
language. Finally, talk about favorite hobbies, interests, or
pastimes; chances are you’ll find similar interests. If you’re
lucky, she’ll make a general suggestion for an activity you
two can do together. If she doesn’t, don’t worry about it;
there’s plenty of other fish in the sea.



92
The Golden Rule of small talk:

       “The less you reveal about your real opinion, the
more optimistic people get.”




                                                           93
                   CHAPTER 15.
               Avoiding a Broken Heart


THE ART TEACHER'S STORY:

         “I remember it like it was just yesterday although it
happened a few years ago. At that time I was teaching art at a
local junior college. I wasn't famous, but I had a good
reputation and a small following, and so a few years I ago I
was approached by a local art appreciation club and asked to
teach a painting class once a week at the community center. I
enjoy teaching, and I took the job. It was a small class of
about 10 people. All of them were recent immigrants who
could barely speak English, but art is a universal language, so
communication wasn’t a big problem.
         Despite my poor Spanish, everybody in the group
quickly became good friends. We sometimes went out
together after class, and sometimes I arranged field trips for
the entire class. We went to museums and gallery openings.
And field trips to art events were arranged. We even went
outdoors to paint landscapes. One of the girls in the group,
her name was Lisa, seemed like she was attracted to me. We
would often make eye contact and there seemed to be a
certain flirtatious tone in her voice, but I wasn't sure. She was
fairly fluent in English, but she spoke with a pronounced
Spanish accent-- she had recently immigrated to our country
from Latin America.
         I was attracted to Lisa as well. She was a dark haired
beauty in her mid twenties. She put a lot of time and effort
into our group. Often Lisa was the one who arranged our


94
field trips and called everyone on the phone to make sure
they showed up.
         For a while, I didn't want to get involved with Lisa
because of the teacher/student relationship. I wanted to treat
all the students equally. I wanted to maintain
professionalism, as we teachers are trained to do. Lisa even
asked me out once, to see an art movie, but somehow I
managed to turn it into an outing for the entire class, rather
than just a private date between Lisa and I.
         We both kept busy schedules so the only time we
could see each other was during the class. And because it
was a class, there were no real words exchanged. But there
were romantic glances, and friendly touching, and the undue
interest she took in straightening my necktie-- little things
like that. And of course, invitations. So I knew she liked me.
         Little by little, my resolve broke down, and I began to
fall in love. The next time Lisa asked me to see a movie, I
took the opportunity-, only the two of us went. We went to
the movie, and then had dinner at a restaurant. In my opinion,
the date went badly. I was too nervous, and I didn't know
what to talk about. But to my surprise, she asked me out on
another date. This second date went well-- we lay down
together in the park, strolled arm in arm, ate together, and
visited a gallery. The body language was right. The chemistry
was there. We walked in step, looked into each other's eyes.
Life was great. I was the happiest man in the world. I was
sure I had found the girl of my dreams. It was as if fate had
brought us together.
         At the end of the second date, when it was time to
part, we walked to my train station. Her bus stop was only a
block away, but she insisted that I not walk her to the bus
stop. Later that week, I called her, and after a pleasant phone
call, she said, ‘Thanks for calling’ when it was time to say


                                                             95
goodbye. When she said that, I was immediately suspicious,
but I said 'good bye' as pleasantly as possible.
         I saw her in class two days later on Tuesday, and
there would be no class the next week due to vacation. We
talked about her vacation, and she mentioned she would be
going on a short vacation trip to Taiwan. I told her I was
looking forward to seeing her after vacation. In addition, Lisa
had arranged for the class to go on another outing in a few
weeks, and on the phone both of us said were looking
forward to the class outing.
         When she returned from vacation Lisa told the class
about her new boyfriend Robert-- a boy she had gone to
Taiwan with over the vacation. During the next few classes,
Lisa would neither talk to me or look me straight in the eye. I
had a very difficult time teaching class because I was feeling
very emotional, but I kept a stiff upper lip for the sake of the
other students. Then Lisa announced that she would be
bringing three friends as well as her boyfriend on the next
class field trip. I was really hurt because I felt our little group
was being invaded, and also I didn't know how I would react
to Lisa's boyfriend. I was very depressed and I considered
quitting the class because I didn't know how long I could
pretend to be cheerful when inside myself I felt I was dying.
         I mentioned that I might bring a friend to the outing,
and Lisa told me to call her when I knew for sure. I called her
after class with the news that my friend Stan would be
coming. She said goodbye and hung up on me abruptly after
that-- I had spoken to her for only a few seconds when she
hung up. I guess she didn't want to talk.
         On the day of the outing, Stan invited an additional
friend, and I met Lisa and her boyfriend at the train station,
and introduced them to my two friends-- Stan and Cindy. We
met up with the rest of the art class at the foot of the


96
mountains, and spent the day hiking and taking photographs.
I was able to socialize with my two friend and the rest of the
class while Lisa and her boyfriend Robert acted like
lovebirds.
        Lisa's new boyfriend Robert wasn't really handsome
or anything, and I didn't feel threatened by him, but he was a
wealthy Latin American businessman and part of Lisa's
clique of friends. I guess that was the bottom line for Lisa's
decision to choose him over me; he was part of her clique. I
noticed they didn't really walk in step, and I felt Lisa's eyes to
be watching me at all times. For example, Lisa normally
talks in Spanish. As we were hiking up a difficult hill that
day, the group members would occasionally get tired, so they
randomly switched places as they jockeyed for position in
climbing the difficult hill. Lisa stumbled on a small rock, and
I momentarily supported her from behind. Without turning
backwards, she said, “Thank you” immediately in English
without looking at me. But she wouldn't have known that I
was behind her unless she were secretly keeping track of my
movements.
        I was ready to be just friends again with Lisa, but
even that was impossible because she kept avoiding me and
ignoring me during class, and I couldn't concentrate on being
a good teacher. The more she made an issue of it, the more it
bothered me. I was ready to quit the job. After each class
period I would return home feeling frustrated, victimized and
depressed.
        At last I could take it no longer. I was faced with a
choice. What was I going to do? Should I quit? I felt I
wasn't being a good teacher to the rest of the students if I
couldn't concentrate 100% on a doing a good job.
        After rejection, you always tells yourself that the
reason why you feel so bad after rejection is because you


                                                               97
really love that special someone, and you'll do anything to
get loved in return. But the situation is more complicated
than that because self esteem is involved. I was telling myself
I had been in love, but the truth is, I had actually turned down
a lot of Lisa’s earlier invitations. My feelings for Lisa had
not become ‘urgent’ until after the rejection. And besides
loving her, I also felt like saying some hurtful words to. As
they say, hell has no fury like a person who has just been
spurned.
         It seemed as if my whole world and everything that
was important to me had collapsed. I felt that I had once held
a place in her heart either as a friend or as a boyfriend, and
that I had suddenly and unfairly been ambushed, kicked out
of both positions, and tossed out into the street like worthless
garbage. By her actions- which spoke a thousand times
louder than words ever could- she demonstrated that I had no
value. I was so inconsequential that she didn't even consider
warning me about her big decision to choose Robert instead
of me. Nor did she ever explain to me the situation
afterwards; I wasn't even worth talking to, once she had a
new boyfriend. My feelings were of no importance to her. I
thought I was her friend, but now I was just a nobody, not
even worth an extra word or two.
         Why did she choose Robert when things were going
so well between us? In real life, people rarely apologize or
explain their feelings, so I never got- and she never gave me-
an apology, an explanation, or the chance for a heart to heart
conversation. I always expected the phone to ring, but it
never happened. To this day, I sometimes ask myself, 'Why
did it happen? Why didn’t she tell me she was about to hurt
me?'‘
         Take my advice. Sometimes you just can't win and it
just isn't worth the stress to think about it a lot. And your


98
partner isn’t going to give you any explanations no matter
how many times you call and ask her. Anger is like a big
hole. If you fall into it, you'll just keep falling, and you'll
never be able to climb out again.
         Cut your losses and run away. That's my advice, If a
girl breaks your heart, Don't expect an explanation, just
accept your loss, and start on the rest of your life. Don't let
yourself fall in the hole. Thinking about it or trying to
explain it will only make you feel worse. Otherwise you
could end up an alcoholic in a bar someplace.
         Anyway this is what finally happened: I hung in
there. I didn't quit the teaching job at the community center.
After a few initial absences, Lisa kept coming to the classes,
but I just didn't worry about her. I let her alone without
giving the impression that I was ignoring her. I went about
the rest of my life, and whatever Lisa wanted to do was her
business and not mine.
         After a month of avoiding and ignoring me, Lisa
normalized relations by giving me a gift, and we were friends
again. About six months passed and Lisa broke up with
Robert. Right after that we saw a movie together. Two days
after the movie she began going out with me.
         If you ever get into a situation where somebody
breaks your heart, the best thing you can do is let go
unconditionally, and ask for no explanations.”


        I once asked an elderly taekwondo teacher what was
the best way to handle the pain of being punched or thrown. I
had expected him to give me advice on special judo
breakfalls or stomach toughening exercises. Instead, when I
pressed him for the best way, he said, “The best way to
handle a punch is to see it coming and get out of the way.


                                                            99
Also the best way to handle a judo throw is to expect it and
avoid getting thrown. It’s good that you try to know these
things.”
         “Why?” I said.
         “Freedom from pain.” was the reply. “The more you
know, the less hurt you can be.”
         He explained further: “Because half of all pain is the
shock or surprise of it. If you understand or expect what is
going to happen, then the pain loses its bite. Even better, if
you get smart, then often you can see potentially painful
situations before they hit you, and you can get away. And
you are smart enough to not waste your all energy on useless
techniques: things that you know won’t work. Notice how
even animals sense a storm or an earthquake and have the
good sense to get away when they know it’s useless to fight
it out. An elderly or sensitive person cannot afford to let
himself get hit. The best way to protect yourself is to see
danger coming and move out of the way quickly.”
         I thought his words were limited to martial arts
situations, but I was wrong. Soon I was able to see that
foresight applies to all situations. For example, I caught the
flu and even though I felt it coming on, I did nothing about it.
Then I caught the full force of the illness and I was laid up in
bed for a week. About a year later it was winter again, and
the flu was going around. I began to feel lighthearted, and I
felt the flu coming on. This time I saw it coming and decided
to try something different. I rested, and I drank lots of tea and
hot fluids, to warm my insides and allow my body to fight
the flu. I felt a little cold and light-headed for two days, but
in the end, I “saw the punch coming” and avoided the flu
with my early actions.
         The same philosophy can be applied to avoiding
heartbreak. The most important skill for a romantic who


100
wants to avoid the pain of rejection is to be able to see the
punch coming and get out of the way. Don't fool yourself
into thinking a woman likes you when she doesn't.
         Men are too optimistic. They “set themselves up” for
emotional ambush by taking false hints. Every time the girl
does something, they say to themselves, “I think she likes
me.” Then, when they find out the truth, they are devastated.
         Nice guys want people to be honest and open. They
expect to have heart to heart conversations. They expect true
feelings to be revealed. They want honesty between lovers.
But this is not what happens in real life. A woman simply
isn't going to tell you how she feels about you. When you
first meet a girl and you think that she likes you, she won't
tell you. Or, she may not like you at all but she won’t tell
you. Society trains women to be accommodating. That means
she'll still accept all your cards, presents, or phone calls,
whether she likes you or not. She may even like you
initially, and then decide to love someone else, but keep
acting nice to you to keep her opportunities open.
         In a previous Chapter, recall the story of “Conrad
Meets Ramona.” Ramona makes eye contact. She smiles at
Conrad. She greets him in the hallways. She compliments
him on his hairstyle. She accepts his presents. She accepts
his phone calls. And because of these actions, Conrad gains
the false impression that Ramona likes him. When Ramona
rejects him, Conrad is devastated, and complains, “She led
me on.”
         But if Conrad had paid attention to the real hints, he
would have known she didn’t really like him. Ramona gave
Conrad no accompanying body language, invitations, phone
calls, physical contact, or indulged in excessive laughing at
Conrad's attempts to be entertaining. In addition, she said,
“Thank you for calling!” when the phone call ended. Disaster


                                                           101
was forthcoming; the real hints were all there. Conrad could
have saved himself a lot of pain if he paid attention to the
real clues.
        When you're on cloud nine, you don't want to spoil
the hope. So for people like Conrad, there's a simple
philosophy. It is: “Read the clues.” If you’re alert, you can
sense that a girl doesn’t like you before you make a fool of
yourself.

         My friend Jim swears that his “pessimism” theory is
the real secret to a happy life.
         “What's you're theory?” I once asked him.
         Jim said, “People who think everything will turn out
perfectly always get disappointed when things don’t happen
as planned. But if you always expect the worst, then real life
always seems a little rosier than what you expected. So
you’re never disappointed, because life is always better than
you expect.”
         Jim is a philosopher. He told me another one of his
secrets to avoiding heartbreak:
         “Yeah,” Jim recalled fondly. “Her name was Anita. I
fell in love with her. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I sent
her flowers. I sent her take-out dinners. Wine even. You
know, white Zinfandel. Muscat. Cabernet. Merlot. All the
fine wines. Everything. I just couldn't get her off my mind.
She used to work at the counter at the public library.
Sometimes I'd go in there to read, and I'd know she was
looking at me, and I couldn't concentrate. So then I'd go up to
the counter and flirt for a while, and she'd smile and I'd feel
like I was in heaven.”
         “You were sure that she was interested in you?” I
asked him.



102
         “Oh yeah, I was positive,” said Jim. “She accepted all
my gifts. She always said, ‘Hi’ to me. She asked me for
favors. She stared at me behind my back. I could feel her
eyes, watching me, checking me out when she thought I
wasn’t looking.”
         “Did she ever in invite you to do anything?”
         “Nope. That was one of the clues. To make a long
story short I found out she had a relationship with this other
guy. She had even moved in with him. Yeah, she was living
with him. As far as she was concerned, I was just an
unobtainable fantasy. I was sure she really liked me, too, but
it wasn't enough to make her do something about it.”
         “And that's when you got depressed?”
         “Sure. I was going crazy. How could a person feel
head-over-heels in love and not do a darn thing about it? It
was like Anita and I were two people standing behind glass
walls, unable to speak or touch. Fantasy people. So close, but
so far. I got so frustrated.”
         “But you seem fine now. What happened?”
         “Well, I fell OUT of love. See, at first I wasn't going
to give up. I was going to turn up the charm, pour more
money into the romance budget-- you know,-- send letters,
candies, wine, you name it. I began to feel myself falling
deeper and deeper in love. It was like I was being drawn into
a hole, and the thought of Anita rose up like a mountain. I
thought of Anita all day, every day-- what I was going to do
to win her back, what kind of romantic dates we could go on-
- things like that. I would walk by a restaurant and think,
‘Hey, that looks like a good place to take Anita.’ I would see
a concert advertisement in the paper, and think ‘Hmm, I
wonder if Anita would be interested in that.’ I’d pass by a
grassy hill, and think, ‘Whoa, that’s a good place for a
picnic. I wonder what Anita would think? And I’d see girls


                                                            103
walking down the street with their backs towards me, and I’d
be hoping they’d turn around and be Anita.
        I was on fire. I would go to sleep with my pillow and
wake up imagining Anita. I couldn't get Anita off my mind.
Then one day I was sitting on the lawn drinking a cup of
coffee, and I was thinking maybe I should walk down to the
library and see Anita since the lawn was only two blocks
away from the library. And then it suddenly happened.”
        “What happened?” I said.
        “I fell OUT of love. People think you can only fall
INTO love. But you can also fall out of love,” said Jim.
        “How?” I asked him.
        “I thought about the time I went ocean fishing. You
see, I once went ocean fishing and I saw a sunset. It was
beautiful; we were the only boat on the sea, and all around
there was nothing but water, water, water. Big water, lazy,
and dark blue like a piece of candy. The sky was orange. And
on the horizon was this huge red sun, and it was dipping
down into the water like it was putting its own fire out. That
sun was the biggest and most beautiful thing I had ever seen
in my life. Anyway, I got out my camera and I took a picture
of the sunset, and waited for the film to be developed, just
picturing that big beautiful sun in my mind, and how great
the pictures would be when they came back.
        Then I got the pictures back. What a disappointment!
Each photo was mostly water, and there was only a tiny red
pinpoint for the sun. That wasn’t the way I had seen the
sunset in my mind! I guess when you're out there in the
emptiness and the waves, and there's only one object in all
that empty space, your mind gets screwed up and you think
that the object a lot bigger than it really is. Your mind
magnifies the sun. Your perspective gets distorted. Since the



104
sun is the only thing on the empty horizon, and there’s
nothing to compare it to, it looks absolutely gigantic.”
          “Well, what does all this have to do with Anita?” I
asked.
          “Oh yeah. I was having the coffee on the lawn, and I
was falling down this mental hole-- hopelessly in love with
Anita. And because she was the only thing on my mind, and
there was no other feeling to compare her to, she seemed
more important than anything or any person in the world.
See, when you're feeling empty, and there's only one person
on your mind, she looks like the biggest, brightest star on the
horizon. But what if it’s all a perspective trick? An illusion.
A mental mind game? What if you’re only obsessed with her
because there’s nothing else on the emotional landscape to
compare her to?
          Well anyway, while I'm having this coffee, this
Vietnamese girl named Tui comes up to me. Tui was a friend
of an old girlfriend of mine named Victoria. So Tui and I do
a little small talk and out of the blue Tui asks me if I made
any chocolate chip cookies lately. Small talk, you know. So I
say to Tui, 'No, not lately. Hey, how did you know that my
hobby used to be making chocolate chip cookies?’
          And Tui says, ‘Don't you remember? You used to
make them for Victoria. I got together with Victoria and a
couple of girlfriends last weekend, and we got to talking
about old times, and she mentioned that you always made the
best chocolate chip cookies.’
          Victoria was my old girlfriend, my former lover
before we broke up. At the mention of Victoria's name, I felt
something hit me. An old familiar magic. I remembered
Victoria. I remembered her face, and the little curve of her
ear, and how we were lovers. It was like a door opening,



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because suddenly all these old feelings and memories that I
had put away came flooding back.
         After Tui left I started thinking about the old times
with Victoria and how much Victoria and I had meant to
each other in those days. And yes, I used to bake her cookies,
and a lot of other stupid things like that.
         And now in my head at that moment I started
comparing my old feelings for Victoria with my recent
feelings for Anita. And it was really strange. Because when
there was only Anita, and I had nothing to compare my
feelings about her to, then Anita seemed like the most
important person in the world. But when I started comparing
my feelings about Anita to my old feelings about Victoria,
then Anita suddenly didn't seem as important as before. In
my thoughts, in my priorities, Anita’s importance began to
slowly shrink from mountain to mole hill. I felt myself
climbing out of a mental hole. I wasn't obsessed with Anita
anymore-- she wasn't ‘the only person.’ She was just one of a
number of people I've felt strongly about. Anita was no
longer this all-important goddess figure.
         After I thought about Victoria I had my perspective
back again. Can you believe it? I actually fell OUT of love!
But that's the weird thing about it-- everyone knows you can
fall in love, but few people know the trick to making yourself
to fall out of love.”

Four surefire ways to not get your heart broken by
rejection:

1.    Don’t get your hopes up.

2.    Don’t go on a foolish mission, if you know it’s going to
      be foolish.


106
3.   If she hurts you, let go completely.

4.   Put things in perspective. Try to remember someone you
     fell in love with and in your mind compare your feelings
     for her with your feelings for the girl who broke your
     heart.




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                   CHAPTER 16.
                 Timing is Everything


         How do you keep the romantic fires burning over
time in a relationship?
         There are two important skills that any good romantic
should make himself an expert at. Skill number one is the
ability to sense when a woman likes you. Skill number two is
the ability to sense when a woman doesn’t like you. This is
because (even if the woman is your girlfriend or wife) how
much a woman likes you actually varies with time.
         When a man falls in love, his body produces
dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine (PEA),
which are chemically related to amphetamines (stimulants),
as well as oxytocin, a bonding chemical produced during
intimacy. His testosterone level increases. He becomes
“high” on these natural substances for as long as three years.
So, it can be said that when a man is in love, his feelings are
very consistent. He feels hot, passionate, tireless, loyal, and
obsessed.
         Women are different in that women’s bodies produce
different chemicals, or many of the same chemicals in
different proportions. True, they bond with male partners,
especially if major amounts of oxytocin are released during
physical intimacy. But rather than being permanently
pumped with natural body chemicals, their passions are more
spur of the moment, rising and waning with the situation. It’s
very rare for woman to sustain a passionate condition of




108
“feeling in love,” unless her testosterone level is much higher
than that of the average woman.
        The differences in body chemistry between men and
women can be dangerous. Suppose you fall head over heels
in love with a person, and you find out her feelings for you
are inconsistent. If you didn’t know human nature, it would
seem like she was jerking you around or playing head games.
You could easily lose your cool.
        It is important to know how the pattern goes. After
you meet a woman, and her hormonal level is high, you have
only a small window of time (perhaps two days to two
weeks) where the feeling is mutual, and it’s “love at first
sight.” At this point you can say she is in love with you. But
only a few days after that, your influence will drop to a low
level, and her peer group and other activities will be more
important to her. EXPECT IT.
        The thing to do when this happens is to play along
and become one of the group. Bide your time and let your
influence grow. By the way, even though she may not feel
passionate for you during this period of time, she’ll still get
extremely jealous if she sees you with another woman! So
keep the faith. Keep going with her and her peer group. In
this way you will become her boyfriend, and the two of you
will eventually branch off from the group as you spend more
time together.
        Why does this happen? It may have something do
with ancient human society. In the old days, people lived in
cliques called tribes. There was a big danger of inbreeding if
a person only married within the family or the tribe. So, in
order to prevent genetic inbreeding, women changed. They
evolved certain behavior patterns. Tribal maidens would fall
in love with strangers outside their tribe (read “outside their
peer group”). Then, either the stranger would join the


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woman's tribe or the woman would join the stranger's tribe.
The pair would then get married. This insured that an
infusion of new blood and genetic strength into the tribe.
        Men also evolved. Now, when a boy becomes a
teenager, his body tells him to seek independence, to rebel
against society. He rebels against society until he finds a
mate. When he meets this woman, his hormonal levels
suddenly jump up, and he will do anything for the woman.
He is “in love.” But while he is still “in love” and motivated
to do anything for the women, the woman’s feelings for him
quickly diminish, and he loses influence with her. He must
now toe the line with her society's standards (read “join her
peer group”) in order to get his influence back. He joins her
society, and as a result, her society gains a member and is
strengthened. The tribe benefits both socially and genetically
by the process of young men staying in love, but their women
falling out of love.
        In sum, the woman falls in love with a man outside
her peer group. The man in return falls in love with her.
While he is still in love, he suddenly loses influence with her,
and must conform to her peer group in order to redeem
himself. This pattern still exists today.
        Hollywood denies that it happens. Just as women
erroneously believe that men ask for the first date, they also
believe that when they love somebody, they love them in a
consistent, level way. So if you marry a woman, she will
never remember ever letting you lose influence after she fell
in love with you at first sight!

         Men tell each other that romance is a chase. You
meet a nice girl. Maybe she doesn't like you so much at first,
but slowly you win her heart. You “romance” her until she
falls in love with you. Then, after you've secured a girlfriend,


110
you can cut down on the romance and get back to the
business of daily life. The men's version of a romance story
emphasizes the thrill of chasing, and the marriage aspect gets
only one sentence at the end of the story-- “after that they
lived happily ever after.”
         But to describe romance as a magical chase is not the
way it really happens. Acting as if romance is some sort of a
quest or chase will get you nowhere. You can do an
experiment if you like. Wander around town until you fall in
love with a beautiful stranger. Then try to introduce yourself,
and in the following weeks try to “romance” her into liking
you. The end result will be failure. And here's the reason
why: because it's all pre-decided. You can't 'make' a woman
fall in love with you. She has to already like you.
         In real life, a girl has already decided in the back of
her mind whether or not she likes a guy. If she doesn't have
the hots for a guy, she'll still let him make a fool of himself.
If she does have the hots for a guy, then her feelings will
immediately peak, then fall to a low, then start climbing
again. Just remember the three Ps: peak, pit, and peer group
ramp.
         The first P stands for peak. When a woman is
interested in you, her curiosity builds until she finds out that
you are interested in her as well. When you know that she
likes you, and she knows that you like her, then her feelings
are at a peak. This is the best time to take the wildest, most
romantic and outrageous evening of gifts and romance that
you can possibly imagine, and make it come true.
         The second P stands for pit. Once she knows she has
you hooked, then two days to around two weeks will pass.
And then suddenly you will be taken for granted. She’ll be
late for all your dates, and interested only in catching up with



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the rest of her life, and meeting up with friends other than
you. She knows she has you under control.
         The third P stand for peer group ramp, a time slot that
lasts approximately four months. In the beginning of the time
slot, you start from the bottom (the pit of stage two) and join
her peer group. The idea is to form a mutual peer group, a
subconscious “tribe” that contains both you and her. You
work your way through social events with this peer group,
and during the course of four months, your influence with
her slowly increases. During this time, there will be key
points, where she will try to cement the relationship with
gifts or sex. In some cases, when sex is offered but men
don’t get the hint, the woman will wait for a special day such
as a birthday or Valentines Day and present herself in an
even stronger manner. At the end of the peer group ramp,
you emerge as the person who has the most influence over
her, especially if you did the sex thing. Then both of you
emerge as a couple, and start doing activities separate from
the peer group. At this time you are a true couple, and after
waiting a comfortable period to confirm compatibility,
engagement and marriage are distinct options.
         As the quote goes, “Timing is everything.” The best
time to be romantic, expressive, and creative is during that
window of peak influence that occurs right after she becomes
very interested in you. Only a moment after the period of
peak influence, it's already too late. If you give any gift or
romantic overture during the pit after the peak you could be
seen as being pushy, manipulative, or putting too much
pressure on her.
         Once you know she is in love with you, give her a
gift. “Strike while the iron is hot!” Then, keep on the
lookout for the down period. Many handsome men have
trouble with this down period. They fall in love with a girl,


112
and then break up after only a couple of weeks because they
mistake the down period for the end of the relationship. Or
they try to turn up the charm, and find that suddenly none of
their efforts work anymore. Frustrated, they give up, and try a
new girl.
         Right after the peak period, when your influence
experiences a sharp drop, play it cool. Don't turn up the
charm because your actions will only “pressure” her. Join her
peer group. Let your influence build slowly until it matches
the influence of her peer group. At this point, you can turn up
the charm in order to spend more time together. Eventually,
the two of you will branch off from the peer group to spend
more time alone together.
         As a side note, the “strike while the iron is hot”
philosophy is especially true if you're waiting for a girl to
break up with her boyfriend. Usually girls who feel they are
about to break up with their boyfriends will start making
sudden frequent contact with another man in order to
subconsciously set up a “safety net” in case the breakup
occurs. If the breakup never occurs then the “safety man”
feels like he's been toyed with, teased, and led on. He feels
like a fool. But if the breakup occurs, the girl will first say to
her boyfriend, “I just need time to be by myself, to be
independent.” But within a few days she will probably go to
the “safety man's” house, and the safety man will become her
new boyfriend.

Example 1:
       Kenneth became good friends with Lily, a woman
who was using Kenneth as the safety man, without his
knowledge. At first Kenneth was completely in love with
Lily. He didn't know she had a boyfriend, but soon found out.
Then, feeling like a fool after he learned Lily had a


                                                              113
boyfriend, Kenneth backed off from flirting and decided to
treat her like a friend and not as a romantic interest. About a
year later, Lily all of a sudden took a new interest in
Kenneth, but, again, Kenneth didn’t know what was going
on. He continued to treat her like a normal friend.
        Within two weeks, Lily broke up with her boyfriend
and selected a new boyfriend. But the new boyfriend was not
Kenneth; Kenneth actually missed his opportunity by treating
Lily coolly during her hot period. Her new boyfriend was
another man she had been flirting with just before the time of
the breakup, a man named Julian who had been more
receptive to her advances than Kenneth had been, even
though Julian was not her original safety man.

Example 2:
         Timothy went out of state to a funeral when his
childhood friend Vincent (a student from a different state)
died in an auto accident. At the funeral he met Vincent's
cousin Amanda, the most wonderful girl in the world. They
spent several nights together, including a day and night spent
entirely in bed. They promised to keep in touch when Tim
left for his home state. Tim confided in me that he felt as if
he had known Amanda all his life. He wanted to marry her.
They were right for each other. For the next few days
Timothy and Amanda called each other nonstop. For the next
few weeks, they wrote to each other every day. Then, after a
while, their letters to each other tailed off and eventually
stopped. Tim didn't need a good bye letter to know he had
lost influence with Amanda. It was the end.

Example 3:
        William, a college student, relates a similar story. He
met this wonderful girl named Emily in psychology class.


114
They really hit it off; she cooked a meal for him, they played
tennis together, they went on a couple of dates. He noticed
that she always arrived on time and was never late. Then it
seemed that William’s influence over Emily began to wane.
She arrived late for their dates, and a few weeks later she
seemed to be spending more time with her friends. William
found himself competing with Emily's friends for Emily's
attention. Emily responded weakly to William’s advances
and soon William’s status went from potential boyfriend to
part-time friend, and finally he became a stranger to her. He
was completely shut out from her group.

        Both William and Timothy neglected to pay attention
to timing and human nature. They didn’t know their three Ps:
peak, pit, and peer group ramp. William never got a chance
to join Amanda’s peer group, and his efforts were doomed
from the start. If he had known about the peer group ramp, he
would have seen that long distance relationships rarely work
out because the man does not get an opportunity to join the
woman’s peer group. Instead, he broke his heart hoping for
the impossible. Similarly, Timothy had a chance to join
Emily’s peer group, but instead of joining it, he decided to
compete with it for Emily’s time. Timothy didn’t realize that
women don’t feel consistently about love. Emily’s feelings
for him had peaked in the first two weeks, and following the
peak his influence with her had naturally bottomed out (the
peak/ pit/ peer group pattern). However, Timothy, thought
his influence with her was still high. He thought that Emily’s
feelings for him were as consistent as his own feelings for
her. He underestimated his influence and failed to win her
away from her peer group. If Timothy had known that the pit
follows the peak, he would have known that his influence



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with Emily was at rock bottom when he decided to challenge
the peer group for Emily’s affections.

         Marriage is a different story, as my friend Dave likes
to tell me. First he met Bridget, the girl of his dreams. Their
hormones went wild; she seemed willing to do anything, go
anywhere with him; she was never late in meeting him. Then,
two weeks later Dave suddenly found himself on a kind of
waiting list, competing with Bridget's friends for Bridget's
time and affection. Bridget always seemed to be late for their
dates, and she always has an excuse or something else to do.
However, unlike Timothy, Dave didn't move out of town,
and unlike William, Dave didn’t decide to compete with
Bridget's peer group for her time. Instead, Dave joined
Bridget's peer group. “Oh. Let's all go out together as a
group,” he said to her. To make a long story short, Dave
successfully infiltrated Bridget’s peer group. Then he slowly
but surely climbed to the top of Bridget's priority list again
and then married Bridget.
         But the trouble didn’'t stop there. About a year and a
half into their marriage Dave and Bridget had their first
child. Suddenly Bridget was ignoring him again. All of
Bridget's attention went to the child, leaving Dave out in the
cold. Dave tolerated this lonely situation because he loved
the child. He remained faithful to Bridget even though she
had cooled towards him somewhat. But about 3 years later,
Dave's passion for Bridget began to mysteriously fade. Other
women seemed much more interesting.
         He asked his father for advice and Dave's father
replied, “Son, you're not married until the feeling goes away;
you're married for life.”
         By the seventh year of marriage, Dave's feelings for
Bridget had completely changed. She was still a part of his


116
life, his world, his responsibilities, somebody to go home to,
somebody too familiar to leave or disown. But the fire
between Dave and Bridget was out. The magic was over. It
was a different kind of relationship than the one they had
both envisioned. The birth of this new type of relationship is
what happens inevitably with any marriage. It is more like a
partnership, a working relationship.
         Well, I guess it's time to debunk another Hollywood
myth. Yes, “the magic” goes away. Sure, falling in love is a
great feeling for a man. You feel like you can take on the
world. If she accidentally dropped a penny into the ocean,
you'd feel crazy enough to dive for it. Like a secret service
agent, guarding the President of the United States, you'd stop
a bullet for her with your own body because love conquers
all. Anyone knows that!
         You feel euphoric. You feel like singing. Lighter than
air. Like you don't need sleep. Your hormonal level is up;
your body's producing testosterone, dopamine,
phenylethylamine, oxytocin, and endorphins. You’re as high
as a kite. You’re in love. But what comes up must come
down, and hormonal levels are no exception. And three or
four years after the sparks, you definitely won't be walking
on cloud nine anymore. You may be happy, content,
peaceful, normal, or even depressed, but you will no longer
be euphoric and tireless.
         Is this a bad thing? No. Chances are, by then you’ll
have a wife. Someone to come home to. Someone to help
raise your kids. Someone to listen to your problems. Share
your triumphs. Give you advice. Nurture your wounds. It’s
not a bad thing at all to lose the feeling of being in love; it’s
just the birth of a new partnership, something your spouse
and yourself will have to work out.



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The Three Ps:

1.    Peak. You’re in love with her, and she’s in love with you,
      and both of you know it. You have about two weeks to
      romance her in a wild and crazy way.

2.    Pit. Right after the peak, it hits you like a ton of bricks.
      She knows you love her and takes you for granted. You
      have no power. Nothing you try seems to work. The more
      you try, the more sneaky she thinks you are. You’re
      doomed unless you both share a common peer group.

3.    Peer Group Ramp. You must rebuild your influence with
      her within a common peer group. At key points the
      relationship is cemented with sex or gifts. Your influence
      ramps up. After about 4 months the two of you are a bona
      fide couple.

Romantic Timetable:

1.    Woman gives hint to man.

2.    Man takes hint and indicates his willingness.

3.    Woman loves man, accommodates him, and is never late.

4.    She’s always late, and out of time. Her peer group is
      more important than the man.

5.    Man joins Woman’s peer group or Woman joins Man’s
      peer group.




118
6.    Woman and Man both grow together and eventually steal
      away from the group.

7.    Marriage. Hanging around with married friends, other
      couples.

8.    First child. Woman pays more attention to child than to
      the man.

9.    Third year. Man is tempted to find a new woman. Magic
      feeling is completely gone. Birth of new
      understanding/relationship between Woman and Man.

10.   Seventh year. Rules of new relationship are completely
      understood.




                                                             119
                   CHAPTER 17.
         Surviving Disrespect and Breakups

Example 1: GETTING DISRESPECTED (Johnny’s Story)
        A few years ago in California a girl named San was
my best friend. I had met her my first year of college. At that
time I knew she had a boyfriend-- he was an architect who
lived and worked in San's home town of San Jose, about 330
kilometers from the college. But I never met him. However,
while in college I did see a lot of San, and we played tennis,
cooked dinners for each other, studied together, watched
movies, attended sports and cultural events, and did so many
things together that it seemed we were never apart. I wasn't
her boyfriend but we were best friends. This continued until
we were almost out of college.
        One day San asked me if she could store some
furniture in my apartment for summer vacation because she
was moving out, and would spend the summer at home. I
was going to stay at the college for summer school, so I said,
“Sure, of course.” We also arranged to get together over the
summer. On a certain weekend I was to drive to San Jose and
visit her, and she would show me around town. I had
assumed her boyfriend had given his “okay,” or whatever. I
wasn’t supposed to spend the night; it was just a day trip.
We were going to visit, and then I would drive back south.
        I called San up the night before I left, and on the
appointed day I drove north to San's house using the
directions she had given me. When I got to San's house, San
was not home. Her sister mentioned that she was out with her
boyfriend. I then told San's sister that I would return in a few


120
hours, and I drove away to get something to eat and to pass
the time at a nearby shopping mail. At the end of the day I
returned to San's house and I was informed that she hadn't
been in all day.
         I'm not the kind of guy who gets angry easily. I'm the
kind of guy who studies all the time and is pretty peaceful
and laid back. But I was very angry at San during the four
hour drive back to the college. After all, I had driven eight
hours that day. I tried to keep cool, and I waited for San to
call me with an explanation.
         She never did call me and she never explained to me
what had happened. I waited a week for that phone call. So I
called her a couple times. Even though I was sure she was
home, her sisters always answered and told me she wasn’t
home. In anger, I called her up and left her a message that
told her I would no longer be able to store her furniture that
summer. When she picked up the furniture at my place, we
had a big argument after which we were no longer friends.
         Following the argument San and I avoided each other
for about three months. Then, one day, while I was studying
in the library, she came up to my seat and said, “I still think
of us as friends.”
         “So do I,” I said softly. I offered to shake hands, but
San wouldn't shake my hand. After I retracted my hand, she
walked away. San graduated a few months later, and I haven't
seen her since then. She had been a great friend for two
years, and I think I deserve an explanation for what happened
that summer, but I never got the explanation, and I certainly
don't expect one now. Anyway, it just doesn't matter at this
point.
         All I know is this: I had a high position in her life,
and for some unknown reason I was disrespected that
summer, made to drive hours and hours for nothing. I was


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shocked, insulted, angry, and most of all, hurt. For a few
weeks after that I couldn't even think straight while I was
waiting for that stupid phone to ring.
         When I was suddenly treated like dirt, my gut
reaction was to feel anger at the injustice-- to work out the
problem, to call for an explanation. But if I had to do it all
over again, I think I would skip all the anger- it wasn't worth
it. I should have just taken the insult, forgotten about San,
and concentrated my efforts on something else. My problem
is, I waited for an explanation. And the longer I waited, the
worse I felt.
         It took me about six months to recover. Actually, I
never recovered from the insult completely, because every
time I talk about it, blood starts rushing to my face, and as
my skin is kind of pale, my head turns purple. It took me six
months to finally put my feelings aside and concentrate on
other things. On advice from a friend, I joined the local
badminton club and eventually I left my old circle of friends
and made new ones.
         I met my present fiancee Kate in the badminton club.
         At first I didn't really like Kate because she was in the
habit of swearing; she really had a dirty mouth. But once I
got to know her, she was really nice. We were friends first. I
knew she liked me, so one day I asked her out, and the
relationship worked. Kate and I are pretty happy together
now. Occasionally I remember San, but it's pretty rare for me
to think about San now that I've got Kate.


       Example 1 is a common disrespect situation. A man
and a woman are just friends, and suddenly, the woman treats
the man like dirt and leaves him with no explanation. When a
woman disrespects you, she wants to get rid of you as a


122
romantic prospect, and the first thing she’ll do after that is
cut off communication. She feels that any kind of
communication you try to make is actually an attempt to
“win her back,” so she treats you with fantastic amounts of
cruelty in order to forestall any possible romantic attempts.
It's a self defense mechanism. From that day onward, you are
completely disrespected.
         What should you do if you are suddenly disrespected
by a female friend?
         Don't worry. It happens to men all the time. It’s an
attempt to get rid of you as a possible romantic partner.
         Usually a man's first instinct is to give the woman a
chance to explain herself. However, women rarely give
apologies or explanations for their rude behavior. They just
don't want to communicate at all. A man's typical next
response (to the lack of communication) is to give her
another chance, just to make sure this is reality and not a
fluke or his imagination. But usually he gets disrespected
again. The man's finals response is anger- the man feels
insulted.
         Angry, the man now thinks to himself, “Well, two
can play at this game. I'll just insult her when I get the
chance. If she ever invites me to anything, I'll turn down the
invitation.” However, this strategy often leads nowhere.
Usually the male friend never gets the chance to treat her
with equal discourtesy, because once a woman begins to
disrespect you, she never invites you to do anything anymore.
         So what do you do? Call her up and start a fight?
That only leads to further isolation.
         There's really not much you can do. Don’t wait
around for a satisfactory explanation because it’ll never
happen. What you should do is find a number of ways to
console yourself and wait it out, if you care for her. If you


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don't really care about her, give her the ax, and move on.
You don’t have to tolerate bad treatment.

Example 2: DISRESPECTING PEOPLE WITHOUT
SEEMING MEAN
         The reason why you get disrespected is because
someone’s trying to get rid of you. But what about the
opposite situation? Suppose you want to deal out a little
disrespect to your girlfriend? What if you want to break up
with a girlfriend? Or what if you want to cheat on your
girlfriend? What if you get caught? What should you say to
her?
         This is advice from my friend Joey, a diehard trade up
theorist. Joey is also a guy who has no enemies. All of his
old girlfriends are still his friends. He is a master at breaking
up with women. Joey’s average relationship last about two
years, at which time Joey loses interest and drops the girl.
This is his advice:
         “Whatever you do, reveal as little as possible. For
example, let’s say you've been caught seeing another girl
behind your girl's back. Then break up with the other girl,
and tell your girlfriend that you're sorry, but don't reveal any
details such as the name of the girl, or anything that you did.
It's details that stick in people's minds. If you tell your
girlfriend any names or places, she will always hate and
constantly be reminded of those names and places. So if she
learns the details, she’ll never be able to forgive you. Instead,
just say, ‘It's over. I swear to God.’ And then be a super good
boyfriend for as long as it takes to convince her you are
sincere.
         If you've been seeing another girl behind your
girlfriend's back, and you now want to break up with your



124
girlfriend, then tell her you are breaking up for some other
reason.
        There are two things you must never ever mention
when you break up with your girlfriend. One, never suggest
that the reason you're breaking up is because there's
something you don't like about your girlfriend. Two, never
suggest that the reason you're breaking up is because you are
interested in another girl. These two reasons will always start
an argument and she will hold a grudge against you for the
rest of your life. Instead, the best reason you could give is
some external factor like long distance, personal problems,
cold feet from a previous relationship, et cetera. And then,
offer to still be friends, and silently fade out of the picture.”

Example 3: COPING WITH AN EMOTIONAL BREAKUP
         “You never see it coming.” said another friend Steve,
when I questioned him about his surprise breakup with Patty.
“One minute you're going along like everything's fine, and
the next minute she says, “It's the last straw. It's over.”
         “What do you mean?”
         “I mean women always pretend like men are the
silent ones, the ones who never communicate-- when really
it's the other way around. Things were going great. I called
her every night. As usual, we went out together every few
days in spite of my heavy work schedule. Sure, we had some
minor disagreements but they came and they passed, and the
situations didn't seem to be connected. As for me, I always
forgave her. I was the one who apologized every time,
whether it was my fault or not.”
         “How did it end?” I asked.
         “Normally I work in San Diego, but I got assigned to
a work site up near San Francisco for six months. It was a
six-hour drive, but I drove back down every weekend to see


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Patty. The assignment ended, and I returned to San Diego.
Things went smoothly for about two months. Then, after we
argued about a movie (of all things!), she sent me an email
letter saying that in her view, each argument of our
arguments had gotten worse and worse and this was the last
straw and she wasn't going to take me back. I didn’t know
what she was talking about. Sure, we had some arguments
over the course of the five years that I’d known her, but they
were nothing. I mean, like, we were arguing over stupid stuff
like which restaurant we were going to. I didn’t think it
meant any big deal.
         She sent me the email on my birthday. The email
message said 'do not read until after your birthday.’ Maybe
she didn’t want to spoil my birthday. But I was too curious,
so I read it. In so many words, the letter announced she was
breaking up with me. It really spoiled my birthday. After that
I tried to call her-- I practically laid siege to her apartment,
but Patty wouldn't speak to me. Later, one of her friends told
me she had been hanging around with this other guy while I
was away working those six months in San Francisco. And
about a month after the breakup Patty comes up and says to
me, 'I just want you to know I still think of you as a friend.
Let's just be friends.’ But it's all bull. The thing is, she never
told me anything about how she felt. I thought each
disagreement was forgiven and forgotten. Then she hits me
with the bomb. Plus, she was seeing this guy Bill behind my
back.”

       Steve’s story was interesting, but his girlfriend Patty
also happened to be a friend of mine. I asked Patty about the
same events and got her version of the story. In Patty's view:
       “Steve and I were having arguments. Each argument
seemed to get worse and worse. After each argument we


126
broke up, but Steve always begged for forgiveness and I
always took him back. But both of us silently knew the really
big breakup was coming and it was just a matter of time.”
        “Did you ever talk to him about it?” I asked.
        “I never talked about it with him because I didn't
want to aggravate the situation. Then Steve left for a six-
month project. I thought it would give both of us a little fresh
air. But I was depressed a lot, so I spent a lot of time with an
old friend, Bill. Bill really cheered me up; he was a really
nice guy. Do you think it’s possible for a woman to be in
love with two guys at the same time? Anyway, then one day
the big break-up happened. Later I started going out with
Bill.”
        I asked Patty, “How were you able to cope with the
break up?”
        “Getting a new boyfriend was the best medicine for
me. Getting a new boyfriend helped me forget about Steve.
But I still think about him sometimes, when I'm alone.”
        I asked Steve how he managed to keep from getting
depressed after the breakup.
        “At first I was angry. But I wasn't angry at Patty. And
I wanted to punch this scum Bill. Then I was depressed. I
started driving a lot. I figured if I drove far enough or fast
enough the angry thoughts would leave me.”
        “Did it work?”
        “Yeah, it worked okay. But I got into a car wreck;
you can't really drive too well when you're wrapped up in
your thoughts. Anyway, the insurance paid for the accident,
but now my insurance rates have gone up.”
        “Yeah.” I agreed. “Those insurance guys make a lot
of money. So what finally happened?”
        “While I was in the hospital my friends visited me
and I talked to them a lot, to get things off my chest. In the


                                                             127
hospital I also saw a lot of people worse off than myself and I
started to feel like my problems weren't as big as theirs. Like
this one guy had cancer. And another guy had a lung
problem. Too much smoking, I think. So I figured if I joined
a volunteer group, I'd see lots of people with terrible
problems, and I'd stop feeling sorry for myself because
everyone else was even worse off. So I joined the ‘Amigos
De Las Americas’ as a medical volunteer. You practice
Spanish, giving first aid, and inoculations, and they send you
to poor countries in the summer. It worked great.”
         “You mean the volunteer work really took your mind
off your problems?”
         “Yeah. Even better than that, not only did I keep my
mind off my problems, but I also helped a lot of people, and I
met a lot of nice girls at Amigos. Really cheerful and
adventurous types. I mean, it should be obvious that people
who do volunteer work have good personalities and a lot of
energy, but I never figured it would be a great place to meet
women. Yeah, I made a lot of good friends.”
         “That's great, Steve,” I said. “Did you find any other
ways of getting over your depression?”
         “Well, the turning point of my depression was when I
did something really crazy.”
         “What?”
         “There was this science professor who used to keep
live frogs in an aquarium at the biology tab. He intended to
tie the frogs-- while they were still alive and awake-- to
wooden chopping boards, so that his biology students could
dissect the frogs the next day, to see what was inside their
bodies. I thought it was cruel, so that night I sneaked into the
lab and stole all the frogs. Around midnight, I went down to
a nearby river and let each frog go free, one by one. As I held



128
each frog, I named each one after an old girlfriend before I let
it go.
         Goodbye, Geena. Goodbye Mary Anne. And so on.
The last frog was the largest and I held it the longest before
letting it go. I named it Patty. It was very therapeutic. I felt a
kind of catharsis come over me. A feeling of letting go.”
         “Do you still miss Patty?” I asked him.
         Steve said, “Oh man, Don't ask me that. Well, I'll
live.”

Five typical “disrespect” situations:

1.   As “just friends” the man and the woman used to call
     each other and talk for hours, gossiping and confiding.
     They “have an understanding.” But this week she cuts all
     his conversations short or makes excuses.

2.   Together they make wonderful plans for his birthday and
     she forgets about it when the day comes.

3.    They plan to attend an event together. She doesn't feel
     the need to inform her male friend that she's not going to
     attend the event, and he is left embarrassed and without a
     partner.

4.   When the male friend calls her and leaves a message, she
     doesn't return his call.

5.   Without warning, she no longer invites him to do
     anything.




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Three things you can tell yourself after being
disrespected:

1.    “She's not-worth it!”

2.    “The timing isn't right.” She's too caught up in her own
      situation so it’s a waste of energy to chase her.

3.    “You can't really blame her; she's insane.”




130
                CHAPTER 18.
 The Internet: Women from Foreign Countries

        Let’s say you have a stable job, but you’re 40 years
old, single or divorced, and you still haven’t found a woman
you’d want to spend your life with. What should you do?
        Or, you’re 25 years old, shy, and you’re in a
nightmare scenario: the women in your immediate circle
seem overly loud, selfish, shallow, materialistic, or lacking in
old fashioned family values and virtues that are no longer in
fashion. What should you do?
        Is your search for the perfect woman doomed? Never
fear. Your quest for the perfect woman is still viable. It may
be that all you need to do is expand your search to include
women from other countries. Educated women who value
stable, mature men over handsome immature ones exist by
the multitudes in newly industrializing countries where life
isn’t easy. In many cases these women are young, attractive
and old fashioned. It’s just a matter of setting up the
communications. Does searching a foreign country for your
soulmate sound impossible or far fetched? In the Information
Age it’s actually quite easy to do.
        Imagine traveling backwards through time to pre-
industrial society before materialism, women’s rights, or
political correctness, to a time of hard work, family values,
pioneering spirit, and swaggering machismo. Women in
newly industrializing countries come from a similar
background-- life is tough, and men tend to lord it over
women; hogging all the jobs, and taking advantage of
unequal rights and double standards for sexual behavior.
Because the lifestyle is survival oriented, the women tend to


                                                            131
see the male/female/family relationship as a team. Their
tough upbringing also causes them to retain hardworking
traditional immigrant values. They give serious consideration
to appreciating a man for his ability to provide, and the ease
of getting along with him, rather than lusting after a man for
his sports car or his jeans.
        Such women view Information Age men as a good
catch because they perceive the men to be less chauvinistic,
and more responsible, fair, and progressive (i.e. better
husbands) than the problematic guys from their own
countries where conditions such as chauvinism, alcoholism,
and unemployment are rampant. In addition, the women have
been raised by their societies to believe that maturity is more
valuable than appearance, so they consider a husband/wife
age gap of eleven years to be normal and acceptable. Many
beautiful women from other countries are much like modern
day Cinderellas; they would gladly marry an ordinary, stable,
likable guy from another country if it meant making a fresh
start.
        Too good to be true? It all depends on the individual
woman. But checking out the “foreign women scene” is easy
enough, thanks to the Internet.
        There are two types of women posted on the Internet:
those who seek only friendship and those who seek a
relationship. If you’re into friendship, foreign women from
advanced industrialized societies are available as free email
penpals who in general are not looking for romance. Web
sites such as www.cyberfriends.com offer free lists of such
pals along with their email addresses. A listing of various
Internet penpal sites can be found at:
www.excite.com/directory/people_and_chat/pen_pals .
        On the other hand, if you’re really serious about
settling down, snail mail correspondence organizations


132
routinely post photos and personality profiles of thousands of
women on the Internet who are searching for someone to
settle down with. After screening potential mates online for
beauty and personality compatibility (via photos and profiles
on the web site), you can purchase the addresses online by
credit card for a small fee averaging US 10$ per address.
Writing to these marriage minded snail mail women often
leads to a deeper relationship including phone calls, visits,
marriage, and immigration. But keep in mind you’re paying
for an address, not a bride. If you don’t read the personality
profiles, it’s entirely possible to waste ten bucks on the
address of someone who will never write you back because
you are completely incompatible.
        Does it work? Can middle aged, employed men and
young attractive women with similar family values meet
through correspondence and eventually get married? The
short answer is yes. International marriages between penpals
happen routinely, every day, as thousands of happily married
couples will attest. On the other hand, in love and romance
there are no guarantees. There’s never any magic path to
individual success. Correspondence is just another means to
the same end; it’s another option in your tool kit, another
way of finding your Miss Perfect.
        The process is simple. You just hop on the Internet.
Access the web site of a correspondence organization, leaf
through free photos and personal data, and then apply your
credit card to the purchase of a snail mail address. In this way
you can access beautiful snail mail women from all over the
world, especially Caucasian women from Eastern Europe,
Oriental and Philippine women, and Latin American women.
(But it’s best to purchase ten addresses, rather than one, since
the average girl might get 5 letters from different guys, and a
pretty girl will certainly get 25 or even hundreds of letters).


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         Depending on the individual lady, you can expect the
average foreign woman who signs up for correspondence to
be adventurous enough to try something new. She possesses
enough self confidence to have her photo posted on the Net.
She is younger, and somewhat less “appearance oriented” in
her tastes for men than women in your own country. She
possesses a good amount of traditional old fashioned values.
She’s looking for stability and maturity in her men, and she’s
willing to accept a larger age gap between genders. There’s a
good chance she’s well educated; doctors, nurses, and
engineers are not uncommon. Probably she is looking for a
mate outside her country because she doesn’t like the mating
situation where she’s at.
         If you don’t get married to a correspondence girl,
you’ve lost nothing more than a penpal and some stamps, but
at least you had an interesting relationship. On the other
hand, if your relationship blossoms into marriage, you should
be aware that the situation will eventually involve huge
expenses-- overseas phone expenses, plane tickets, and
immigration paperwork. After all, since you’re dealing with
long distances, it costs money to mail, phone, or visit. In
addition, if your new wife immigrates to your home country,
she will change her citizenship, and this could involve
troublesome paperwork. Though many foreign women are
college educated, degrees from foreign educational
institutions might not be readily accredited by your
government, and this could involve additional paperwork or
college accreditation. It definitely pays to hire an
immigration attorney to help get everything under way once
you decide on marriage. Lastly, your mate needs to be
adequately prepared to understand and accept your native
culture, which she will be adopting.



134
         Courtship by snail mail correspondence often works
out. It is especially advantageous for kind men with a steady
income. But here are some cautions:
         As with any mail business, there may be
unscrupulous con artists perpetrating mail fraud. Once
scheme which should not be confused with penpal
correspondence is any business that asks you to pay a large
fee to join a “club” before you can meet any of the women.
Do not trust this setup! Another setup not to be trusted is a
catalog where 90% of the women look suspiciously like
supermodels, and the business purports to be selling you
their addresses. It may be legit, but seriously, who’s going to
write you back? Do not trust any business that offers quick
“meet ‘em and marry ‘em” tours; any good correspondence
relationship takes time to get to know people.
         Realistic expectations:
         You can realistically expect that you must write to
over ten women to get a response. 10%-60% of the women
will write you back, provided they are not gorgeous movie
stars inundated with correspondence suitors. You can
realistically expect the postal service in many countries to be
not only slow and less than efficient, but sometimes even
corrupt as well. (Never ever send money by mail!) You can
realistically expect the women to want you to send your
photo on your introductory first letter, since they assume you
already have a copy of their photo. However, you cannot
realistically purchase one address and expect that a woman
will write you back and immediately fall in love with you
because you paid a measly ten dollars. Ultimately, statistical
odds and your own character will determine your fate.
         If you think you’d be interested in searching for Miss
Perfect via email or snail mail, an excellent way to start is to
read the FAQs below and then look in Appendix A at the


                                                             135
back of this book for web sites to begin your Internet
exploration.


Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:

Q Should I send money?
A No. If you wish to help a lady out with postage, it’s best
to send stamps or an international response coupon, which
you can purchase at your post office.

Q Will she like me even if I am old?
A If you are ten years older than she is, it’s considered
normal.

Q Will she like me if I am not Caucasian?
A It depends on the country and on the individual woman.
Many women from Eastern Europe or former Soviet
Countries prefer whites. Many oriental societies prefer
whites or Asians. In North America or the Philippines a good
percentage of women don’t consider dark skin a factor at all.
There are also classy individuals of all societies who state
flatly on their personality profiles that race doesn’t matter.

Q How many different women should I write?
A Try ten and see how many respond. Get the hang of it,
and go for a second or third batch, or until you have a very
good relationship with one.

Q What are my chances of marital success?
A Very good. Of course, it depends how badly you want to
get married. If you’re average, and you’re ready to rock and
roll, your chances are about 65%. If you’re just exploring,


136
it’s less. If you are arrogant and treat people like
merchandise, or if you have Hollywood quality expectations,
you have a 0% chance of success. A lot depends on yourself
and having realistic expectations.

Q What are the odds of getting a letter back?
A It’s all luck, but probably between 10% and 60% if you
can write a sincere, decent letter and insert a photo of
yourself.

Q What language do these women speak?
A Just about everyone speaks English, at varying levels.
Other languages are noted in the personality profiles.

Q How many other guys write to the same girl?
A Some girls get no letters at all. The average girl gets
around five. Good looking girls get 25 or more letters, and
girls who look like models may get a hundred or more first
letters during the month her picture is posted.

Q How long does it take to receive a response?
A It depends on the country. A letter takes a week to reach
Japan, Singapore, or the Philippines, and a week to travel
back. It might take a month and a half for a letter to reach
former Soviet block countries, or poor or corrupt countries
with inefficient postal services. Some correspondence
organizations offer special courier services or even email
courier services. In general, mail is best sent by courier
services (FedEx, UPS, or private courier services) or by
registered mail.

Ten surefire tips for success in corresponding to foreign
women:


                                                           137
1.    Write to a lot of women. Ten or more is a good number
      for starters. Correspond with lots of different women to
      get the feel of it before you commit yourself to a single
      person.

2.    Quite a few women look better that or at least different
      from the photo. When you choose the woman, don’t be
      overly concerned about the photo because a lot of photos
      are poor quality.

3.    Read the personality profiles and screen out people who
      aren’t compatible with you. You don’t want to waste
      your money on useless addresses.

4.    In your very first letter, send a full length photo of
      yourself.

5.    In your very first letter, include a special something to
      make your letter stand out. A tiny gift would be nice.

6.    Stay humble. Arrogance is the biggest turnoff. Avoid
      arrogance, condescending talk, sexual innuendo, and
      disco/bar type innuendo. The women are old fashioned.

7.    In your very first letter, don’t write a heavy, long, serious
      treatise. Write a one and a half page upbeat and light
      letter mixing information about your interests with
      questions about her life.

8.    In all of your letters, ask lots of questions. You have to
      come across as somebody who’s interested in her life.



138
9.    In all of your letters, use simple English until you know
      her English level. English is probably not her first
      language.

10.   Be careful about foreign postal systems: write very
      legibly, be patient of postal inefficiency, avoid sending
      things that might get stolen by unscrupulous postal
      employees. Use courier services (ex: FedEx, UPS) and
      registered mail if you can.

Four tips for success if you’ve become totally serious
about marrying your foreign woman:

1.    After you have a good correspondence relationship
      going, start to call. Get the phone number and call once a
      day or twice a week if you have the budget for it.

2.    Research the woman’s culture, customs, and country.
      You’ll be visiting her soon enough.

3.    Interview two or three good travel agents, and find a
      good one to insure that your trip to visit your sweetheart
      goes as smoothly as possible.

4.    If you’re seriously considering marriage, get a good
      immigration attorney. Each country has different laws
      concerning international marriages.




                                                              139
                  CHAPTER 19.
             Men, Women, and Romance

        In old romance, there was only one rule for men and
women: trade intimacy for security, and seal the deal in a
socially binding ceremony called marriage to keep it long-
lasting. The man would provide for the woman and children;
in return, the woman would give him intimacy and sex. If a
woman tried to leave her provider, she’d have nothing to eat;
men owned all the land. Nor would she be safe; there were
no police forces back then. As a result, romance was simple,
and marriages stayed intact.
        Life began to get easier. As civilization took root and
the world industrialized, governments began to provide
physical and economic security with professional police and
defense forces, and job markets. Today women no longer
need men to provide for them; they can own their own real
estate, get their own jobs, and pay taxes for their own
physical security. They don’t need to enter relationships with
men to get these things. The end result of the new female
freedom is that today’s women reject 90% of the guys they
meet.
        You would think that industrialization favors women,
but industrialization is causing women to suffer, too. More
and more men are choosing not to enter relationships with
women. Beauty is the trigger which causes a man to seek out
a woman. But when the commercial standard of beauty is so
high that it excludes all but a few women, none of the
remaining women are chosen by the men.
        Like a duckling which hatches from an egg and
believes the first thing that it sees is its mother, young men


140
are imprinted. Media images stamp the ideal of female
beauty within a small boy’s mind. Sometimes the imprinting
goes awry, resulting in fetishism or pedophilia, but more
often it imprints young men on female figures from
magazines and TV. The problem is, today’s magazine and
TV figures are the result of trick photography, digital
enhancement, special effects, and starving models who don’t
represent true human proportions. The end result of this
faulty imprinting is that men reject 90% of the real life
women that they meet, on the grounds that they don’t
conform to trick photography.
         If women reject 90% of the men they meet, and men
reject 90% of the women they meet, then we live in a lonely
world indeed! Men are off in a fantasy world chasing after
the unobtainable perfect woman, and women are chasing
after the nonexistent perfect man, and all of the lovable
imperfect people that make up 90% of the population are
being left behind. There are serious differences men and
women are going to have to work out in order to have
relationships with each other, now and in the future.

        Maggie was a young accountant at a high tech
corporation. She was single, very pretty and well liked by
her peers. After a few weeks, her boss Kyle, a vice president
and senior partner who also happened to be married, became
physically attracted to her. Although Kyle never bothered
Maggie at the office, he invited her out many times after
work. She refused, but Kyle called her at home, and sent
Maggie gifts such as flowers.
        Maggie was terrified. In her mind, her boss was a
powerful and resourceful man. She knew he would probably
stop at nothing to get what he wanted. Her girlfriends had
warned her that , “men only want one thing.sex.” But


                                                          141
Maggie liked her job and was afraid to get fired. Maggie
remained polite to Kyle, and graciously accepted his gifts,
but as time passed, she soon found herself constantly
dodging him, giving him excuse after excuse. Unfortunately,
Kyle just would not give up.
        Kyle saw things differently than Maggie did. He
didn't think of himself as a powerful man. He felt himself to
be a child trapped in a man's body, overwhelmed by
problems, locked into a loveless marriage, and burdened by
numerous business responsibilities. He longed to be free
from his nagging, materialistic wife and their suffocating
relationship. Beautiful Maggie was his only true affection,
his ray of sunshine on a dismal day, a kind of fantasy. He
didn't want sex; he just wanted Maggie’s smile. He wanted
her to love him. For her he would climb any mountain, swim
any ocean. It was like ecstasy and like torture; Maggie had all
the power-- she could say yes or no, and send to him to
heaven or to hell with the slightest offhand remark. When
she accepted his gifts, Kyle felt as light as a feather, and all
his burdens seemed to be lifted from his shoulders. On the
rare days when Maggie rejected his gifts, he was hurt badly.
He would give anything for Maggie.

        In the story, who was more powerful, Maggie, or
Kyle?

        As a man, I tend to think Maggie was more powerful
than Kyle. After all, she controlled Kyle's emotions; she
could deal him agony or ecstasy with a single misplaced
word. But in the story, Maggie believes that Kyle is the
powerful one, since he is resourceful, and never gives up.
Here is a key difference between the way men and women



142
operate. Women have sexual, social, and emotional power,
but men practice physical or practical power.
        In the world, there are men, there are women, and
there is romance. Men are creatures of action, who think in
terms of what to do. Women are creatures of society, who
think in terms of how to look, and what to say. Romance is
the game men and women need to play to attract each other.
        You cannot find two more different creatures than a
man and a woman. A car breaks down on the road. A woman
is driving. She looks for help. A man drives up, and says,
“Need any help?” Women are taught to ask for assistance.
Men are taught to render assistance. Women communicate;
men look under the hood. A child playing basketball
stumbles and skins his knee. The woman says, “Are you all
right? Are you hurt? “ The man says, “You’re fine. Get up
and try another shot. You can do it.” Women are taught to
nurse and assist. Men are taught to strengthen and encourage.
Women are taught to love unconditionally. Men are taught
that respect comes only with accomplishment.
        A big woman walks down the road; she’s ugly. A big
man walks down the road; he’s strong. Women minimize
their presence; men assert their presence. Women
accommodate. Men defend principles. An old woman walks
down the road; she’s homely. An old man walks down the
road; he’s dignified. Women age; men grow stately. Women
are taught that flashing sex signals is a legitimate way to
manipulate a man. Men are taught that it’s sleazy. Gender
differences pervade everything we think and do.
        The miracle is that such opposite thinking creatures
as men and women can live in the same world at the same
time. For example, a man walks through a crowded room to
get to a bar and get a drink. He says to himself, “I am thirsty.
The bar is at point B. I am at point A. Therefore, I should


                                                            143
walk from point A to point B. There are individuals in the
crowded room, but I'll walk around them.” Women, on the
other hand, are always socially oriented, even
subconsciously. When a woman in the same situation as the
man sees the same bar, the same crowded room, she sees a
collection of peer groups. If she wants to get to the bar, she
traces a crooked path, socializing from one group to another,
and down the length of the room until she reaches the bar.
Then she orders a drink. Women are accustomed to small
group politics because society tells them early in their lives
to nurture and oblige; they must prepare for motherhood and
family-rearing responsibilities. Women are content to cater to
the powers that be. Men hope to roam the world as free
individuals or loyal pack members. Men are women are so
different that it’s difficult to imagine them ever agreeing on
anything after the physical attraction is gone.

        Is romance more than just physical attraction?
        When I was younger a friend of the family named
“Uncle Charlie” explained to me the magic mystery of how
men and women get together. He said that out of all the
women in the world, there was one perfect woman for me,
and that fate would one day bring us together. He said that
one day I would find the perfect woman, and I would know
right then and there that she was the perfect woman for me. It
would be true romance. Uncle Charlie would always say,
“When I met Martha, I knew since the day we met that
someday I would marry her.”
        But Uncle Charlie's brother Uncle George told me the
real story. He said, “Your Uncle Charlie had a little list those
days. He wanted to go out with three women. Number one
was the most beautiful, Number Two was second, and
Martha was number three on Charlie’s list. All during high


144
school Charlie was crazy about Number One, a girl named
Helen. Well, Helen got married, number two rejected him,
and Charlie settled for Martha. Martha had always been
faithful to him. That’s how it REALLY happened.”




                                                       145
                        CHAPTER 20.
                         Final Test


        Having completed nineteen chapters of this book, you
probably have a good handle on the head games men and
women play on each other in the name of romance and
attraction.
        Now is your chance to test yourself. This is the it,
The final chapter, and the FINAL TEST. Remember these
questions from CHAPTER 1, the pre-test? Now that you
have read this book, and received the benefit of other’s
experiences, let’s see if you can answer them again. Good
luck!

1.    Anson is a short, balding, very sensitive man (but he
      hides his feelings) who has many friends who are girls,
      but he doesn't have a girlfriend. Anson wins the lottery
      and gets two free tickets to an expensive dinner and a
      special symphony orchestra concert performed by the
      best musicians from many different countries. He calls
      some of his female friends, but nobody wants to
      accompany him to the event because they don't want to
      give him the “wrong idea.” What should he do?

2.    Anson's friend Bob wants to arrange a blind date for
      Anson. Anson asks, “Can you describe her? What does
      she look like?” Bob replies, “Well, she has a nice
      personality.” What should Anson do?




146
3.   Hakim is a college student, an idealist who wants to find
     the perfect woman. After a few years of part time
     work/junior college, Hakim had entered a university and
     since he was a little older than the other students, Hakim
     decided to find an apartment instead of living on campus.
     He was very lonely his first year, so to meet more girls he
     decided to “change his image” and join a fraternity.
     Would Hakim have been happy in the fraternity? What
     should he do about his living situation?

4.   Hakim meets a beautiful coed named Carol in one of his
     classes. They really hit it off together. They are mutually
     very interested in each other. Then Hakim finds out Carol
     has a boyfriend. Should he back off or increase the
     charm?

5.   Hakim has known Carol for a year. After the initial
     “spark,” Carol seemed to lose interest in Hakim, so today
     he treats her more like a friend than a romantic prospect.
     Comfortable with friendship, Hakim has completely
     forgiven Carol for the mind games she seemed to have
     played on him when they first met. Suddenly Carol takes
     a new interest in Hakim. Should Hakim remain reserved
     or should he “fall for” Carol again?

6.   Hakim graduates from college and gets an engineering
     job. One day he meets a girl named Maria who works
     behind the information counter at the local shopping
     mall. She seems very interested. She gives him a lot of
     eye contact and smiles often. They make small talk each
     day, when Hakim stops at the counter, but neither Maria
     nor Hakim has offered any invitations yet. Should Hakim
     make the first move?


                                                             147
7.    Hakim sends flowers and gifts to romance Maria. She
      occasionally compliments Hakim on his hair and
      clothing. She accepts all his date invitations and gifts, but
      never gives him gifts in return. Should Hakim continue
      wooing her?

8.    A homely colleague from work named Winnie asks
      Hakim to go hiking. From her body language, Hakim
      suspects that she has a crush on him. Should he accept
      her invitation?

9.    Once again, Hakim falls in love-- this time with a lawyer
      named Diana. He gets up enough guts to call her. They
      have a wonderful hour long conversation which ends
      with Diana saying, “thanks for calling.” Should Hakim
      call her more often?

10.   Hakim's hormonal level has hit the roof. He's head over
      heels in love with Diana. At the same time, Hakim is
      taking a night class. There is a nice girl in this class
      named Cora whom he wouldn't mind going out with, as
      well. Should Hakim concentrate on Diana or on Cora?

11.   Hakim wins Diana's heart, but a few weeks later they
      have their first argument. Diana is at fault. Should Hakim
      apologize to Diana even though it's not his fault?

12.   Hakim is stressed out from his relationship with Diana.
      They have just had another quarrel and Hakim feels so
      angry that he will burst unless he does something to
      “blow off steam.” Should Hakim take his car out for a
      drive?


148
13.   Hakim feels that his relationship with Diana is on the
      ropes and fears that it might end soon, but he doesn't
      want to break up with her. Should he tell Diana his
      feelings?

14.   While Hakim is having problems with Diana, Cora is
      very supportive of him. Although their friendship is
      innocent, Hakim begins to find Cora more attractive than
      Diana. Should he continuing to see Cora, or would that
      be considered cheating on Diana since his attraction to
      Cora is growing?

15.   Hakim finds Cora infinitely more attractive than Diana.
      He is seriously considering breaking up with Diana.
      Should he tell Diana that he's been visiting Cora?

16.   The big breakup occurs. Hakim has a nasty fight with
      Diana, so terrible that there's no turning back. Following
      the breakup Hakim becomes deeply depressed and
      realizes he needs to get out more often or he'll go crazy.
      What's the best way for Hakim to move on with his life?


           ANSWERS TO CHAPTER 20 Final Test

1.    Anson is a short, balding, very sensitive man (but he
      hides his feelings) who has many friends who are girls,
      but he doesn't have a girlfriend. Anson wins the lottery
      and gets two free tickets to an expensive dinner and a
      special symphony orchestra concert performed by the
      best musicians from many different countries. He calls
      some of his female friends, but nobody wants to


                                                               149
      accompany him to the event because they don't want to
      give him the “wrong idea.” What should he do?
      Answer: He shouldn’t make a fool of himself by calling
      all these women.

2.    Anson's friend Bob wants to arrange a blind date for
      Anson. Anson asks, “Can you describe her? What does
      she look like?” Bob replies, “Well, she has a nice
      personality.” What should Anson do? Answer: “She has
      a nice personality” is code talk for “she isn’t very good
      looking.”

3.    Hakim is a college student, an idealist who wants to find
      the perfect woman. After a few years of part time
      work/junior college, Hakim had entered a university and
      since he was a little older than the other students, Hakim
      decided to find an apartment instead of living on campus.
      He was very lonely his first year, so to meet more girls he
      decided to “change his image” and join a fraternity.
      Would Hakim have been happy in the fraternity? What
      should he do about his living situation? Answer: No, he
      wouldn’t have been happy changing himself to fit in the
      fraternity. If he has to change himself to fit, he shouldn’t
      be there in the first place. He should live in the dorm for
      a year, to make some contacts.

4.    Hakim meets a beautiful coed named Carol in one of his
      classes. They really hit it off together. They are mutually
      very interested in each other. Then Hakim finds out Carol
      has a boyfriend. Should he back off or increase the
      charm? Answer: He should back off and keep a low
      profile.



150
5.   Hakim has known Carol for a year. After the initial
     “spark,” Carol seemed to lose interest in Hakim, so today
     he treats her more like a friend than a romantic prospect.
     Comfortable with friendship, Hakim has completely
     forgiven Carol for the mind games she seemed to have
     played on him when they first met. Suddenly Carol takes
     a new interest in Hakim. Should Hakim remain reserved
     or should he “fall for” Carol again? Answer: He should
     try to romance Carol as much as possible.

6.   Hakim graduates from college and gets an engineering
     job. One day he meets a girl named Maria who works
     behind the information counter at the local shopping
     mall. She seems very interested. She gives him a lot of
     eye contact and smiles often. They make small talk each
     day, when Hakim stops at the counter, but neither Maria
     nor Hakim has offered any invitations yet. Should Hakim
     make the first move? Answer: No. He should wait for
     Maria to give him some sort of hint.

7.   Hakim sends flowers and gifts to romance Maria. She
     occasionally compliments Hakim on his hair and
     clothing. She accepts all his date invitations and gifts, but
     never gives him gifts in return. Should Hakim continue
     wooing her? Answer: No. This is obviously a one-sided
     relationship, an ego boost for Maria.

8.   A homely colleague from work named Winnie asks
     Hakim to go hiking. From her body language, Hakim
     suspects that she has a crush on him. Should he accept




                                                              151
      her invitation? Answer: Yes. Especially if he likes
      hiking.

9.    Once again, Hakim falls in love-- this time with a lawyer
      named Diana. He gets up enough guts to call her. They
      have a wonderful hour long conversation which ends
      with Diana saying, “thanks for calling.” Should Hakim
      call her more often? Answer: No, he shouldn’t. When on
      the telephone (as opposed to in writing) “Thanks for
      calling” is girl talk for “I’m not interested.”

10.   Hakim's hormonal level has hit the roof. He's head over
      heels in love with Diana. At the same time, Hakim is
      taking a night class. There is a nice girl in this class
      named Cora whom he wouldn't mind going out with, as
      well. Should Hakim concentrate on Diana or on Cora?
      Answer: He should concentrate on Cora. In a choice
      between “extremely interested in” and “wouldn’t mind
      going out with,” he should choose “wouldn’t mind going
      out with.” According to Murphy’s Law: “There’s always
      something wrong with someone you’re extremely
      interested in.”

11.   Hakim wins Diana's heart, but a few weeks later they
      have their first argument. Diana is at fault. Should Hakim
      apologize to Diana even though it's not his fault?
      Answer: Yes. In relationships, the man is always at fault,
      even if he isn’t. He should express remorse no matter
      whose fault it is.

12.   Hakim is stressed out from his relationship with Diana.
      They have just had another quarrel and Hakim feels so



152
      angry that he will burst unless he does something to
      “blow off steam.” Should Hakim take his car out for a
      drive? Answer: That would be dangerous. He should try
      to blow off steam first. Then he should go for a drive, as
      a finishing touch.

13.   Hakim feels that his relationship with Diana is on the
      ropes and fears that it might end soon, but he doesn't
      want to break up with her. Should he tell Diana his
      feelings? Answer: No. In romance, honesty is only
      advisable if the woman is honest first.

14.   While Hakim is having problems with Diana, Cora is
      very supportive of him. Although their friendship is
      innocent, Hakim begins to find Cora more attractive than
      Diana. Should he continuing to see Cora, or would that
      be considered cheating on Diana since his attraction to
      Cora is growing? Answer: He should see Cora; he needs
      all the support he can get. And who knows? Maybe Cora
      would make a better girlfriend than Diana in the long run.

15.   Hakim finds Cora infinitely more attractive than Diana.
      He is seriously considering breaking up with Diana.
      Should he tell Diana that he's been visiting Cora?
      Answer: No, he shouldn’t tell Diana that he's been
      visiting Cora. He should try to make the breakup as
      painless as possible for Diana, if indeed he wants to
      break up. And if he doesn’t want to break up, he
      shouldn’t be telling Diana about other women.

16.   The big breakup occurs. Hakim has a nasty fight with
      Diana, so terrible that there's no turning back. Following



                                                               153
      the breakup Hakim becomes deeply depressed and
      realizes he needs to get out more often or he'll go crazy.
      What's the best way for Hakim to move on with his life?
      Answer: Of course, getting a new girlfriend would be the
      number one choice. If getting a new girlfriend is
      impossible, then do volunteer work. You’re always
      happier when you can see that others are less fortunate
      than yourself. Possibility number three is to take up a
      new, exhausting activity. Although this isn’t as good a
      solution as the other two, keeping busy might help him to
      not get depressed, and it might make him tired enough to
      get a good night’s sleep.




154
                       APPENDIX A

Email and Snail Mail Web Site Addresses.
*Note- this list is by no means all inclusive. Web sites
change.

Email Pals
International Penpals Dot Com
http://www.internationalpenpals.com

CyberFriends
http://www.cyberfriends.com/
International email pals. Information includes. Extensive,
permanent listings. Searchable by keyword, nationality, or
ethnicity. Information includes age, education, birthplace,
occupation, religion, hobbies, nationality. This is a large site
that gets more than two million hits a month.

The Penpal Depot
http://walker.aquest.com/~shannon/penpal/
International email penpals thanks to Shannon Cole. Choose
location and enter guestbook style format.

Penpal.Net
http://www.penpal.net/
Free email penpals. Large site with search engine.

http://www.whowhere.lycos.com/PenPals
Email penpal service by Lycos Network.




                                                             155
Snail Mail Pals

Orwell Maritime Introduction and Marriage Network
http://www.olvit.ru/marriage.htm
Under the category “Marriage Agencies” you will find a
“search” link to women from Russia-- information from 12
agencies put together. Big searchable database by age, height,
weight, children, language, and agency. Information also
includes photo and zodiac sign. More information varies
with agency. Frequently updated.

A Foreign Affair
http://www.loveme.com/
Extensive site includes advice, Russian, Asian, and Latin
women. Big searchable database by age, religion, height,
weight, and country. Information also includes photo,
drinker, smoker, pets, birthdate, sports, hobbies, occupation,
and sometimes measurements and self description.
Frequently updated.

Cherry Blossoms Home Page
http://www.cherry-blossoms.com/
Extensive site includes women from all over the world. Big
searchable database with custom search page allows you to
search by height, weight, age, keyword, country, race,
education, occupation. Information also includes photo,
drinking, smoking, and whether or not she has received over
25 inquiries. Updated weekly.

P.S. I Love You
http://www.psiloveyou.com/




156
Women from Russia by video. Big searchable database by
height, weight age, eye and hair color. Information also
includes photo, and occupation.

Kiss.com
http://www.kiss.com/
Very extensive, frequently updated site includes photo,
advice and information, plus women from all over the world.
Information also includes photo, height, weight, age, and
interests.

Filipina.com
http://www.Filipina.com/
Women from the Philippines. Contains seachable database
by age, height, and weight. Information also includes photo,
and one or more quoted sentences.

Pacific Century
http://www.pacificcentury.com/bmag/hilite.html
Women from mostly from the Far East Pacific Rim.
Information includes photo, age and a paragraph of personal
quotation from the woman.

China Miss International
http://www.china-miss.com/
Home page of “CM International”. Women from mainland
China. Information includes photo, height, weight, age,
occupation, and quote.




                                                           157
                   APPENDIX B.
       Quick Notes Chemical Human Sexuality


        You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t ask yourself
how human sexuality came about, what it’s all about, how it
started, how the ancestors dealt with it, etc.
        Here’s a popular theory:

        LONG TERM AND SHORT TERM STRATEGIES
        The name of the game in biology is to pass on your
genes. However, there are different strategies. There are long
term strategies, and there are short term strategies.

The Male Perspective:
1. Long term- Since you want your offspring to live and
   carry your genes, it is in your interest to have a long term
   caretaker for your children. Thus, men develop long term
   monogamous relationships with women insure the
   survival of children.

2.    Short term- On the other hand, it sounds terrible, but you
      could impregnate someone else’s wife, and the
      unsuspecting wife’s husband would raise your child as
      his own, thus insuring the survival of your own genes
      without having to take care of the children yourself.

3.    In order to prevent #2 from happening, the other husband
      would develop strategies such as jealousy and mate
      guarding to keep you away. Thus, you as a man will be
      highly tempted to do all of these things. Regardless of


158
     whether you do them or not, the temptation will be there:
     to experience short term lust; to fall in love; to have a
     long term attachment; to experience feelings of jealousy,
     and; indulge in mate guarding behavior.

The Female Perspective:
1. Long Term- Since the female is burdened with
   pregnancy for nine months, she needs to find a good
   provider for the long term. It’s in her interest to develop a
   long term monogamous relationship with a guy.

2.    Short Term- On the other hand, it doesn’t really matter
     whether or not the long term provider is providing for
     HIS OWN children, as long as he is providing for HER
     children. Thus, when her body is ovulating she could
     indulge in some quick short term lust and get pregnant by
     other men and get a few extra babies. When her body is
     not ovulating, she could use sex as bonding to keep her
     long term guy interested.

3.    As with men, she might have to use sex, jealousy, and
     mate guarding to keep her long term guy from straying
     too far. Thus, a woman might be highly tempted to do all
     of these things. Regardless of whether she does them or
     not, the temptation will be there.


COMPLICATED FEELINGS:
The Male Perspective:

       I’m no biochemist, but here is the gist of it. What
men think of as one feeling, “love,” is actually a combination



                                                            159
of three feelings caused by different chemicals. Love
chemicals can be divided into three types:

1.    Lust Chemicals- these make a man feel horny. These are
      usually associated with sight cues. A man can fall in lust
      with a picture instead of a person.

2.    Obsession and Euphoria Chemicals- chemicals such as
      dopamine and PEA cause a man to fall in love and be
      obsessed with a woman. If the obsession is followed
      through, it lasts for about two years, but if a great barrier
      is put up, the obsession can last a lifetime.

3.    Long Term Attachment Chemicals- chemicals such as
      endorphins cause a man to fall into a rut, feel comfortable
      with, or feel a long term bond with a single partner.

         The combination of these three types of chemicals
cause the feelings that a man feels. For example, a teenager
spots a pinup girl in a magazine. He feels horny. He may also
become obsessed with her. If he actually knows her and has a
relationship with her, he may develop a long term bond.
         An interesting fact is that these feelings don’t all have
to appear together. For example, a man can feel horny
without a long term bond. Or a married man with a long term
bond can become obsessed with another woman who is not
his mate. Or a man can feel horny about a woman without
necessarily being obsessed with a woman. Since these
feelings can be felt separately, it may complicate a
relationship. For example, a long term relationship who you
were once obsessed with for two years might ask you, “If you
still love me, why are you always looking at other women?”



160
The Female Perspective:
        In the long term, a woman is looking for a good
provider for her children. In the short term (“short” meaning
as long as it takes to ovulate), she’s looking for a tall, healthy
lusty man, and these aren’t necessarily the same person,
though in her mind, she wants them to be. Thus, a single
woman could be a mistress for a long time (long term
provider), but a married woman might have a fling or two
(short term lust) or a temptation to roll in the hay, but
wouldn’t want to jeopardize the economics in the long run.




                                                              161
                  APPENDIX C
      Collected Romance Tips from This Book


CHAPTER 10 Quote of the Day:
“Dress at least as well as what you think the best dressed guy
in the place will be wearing.”

The Golden Rule of First Dates (Chapter 13):
“The woman makes the general suggestion. The man
supplies a more specific suggestion. If the woman doesn’t
suggest, give up already. There’s no way to make somebody
like you unless they already like you.”

The Golden Rule of Small Talk (Chapter 14):
“The less you reveal about your real opinion, the more
optimistic people get.”

Five surefire instant ways for ANYONE to increase their
charm (Chapter 10):
1. Be happy.
2. Always look clean.
3. Stay in situations where you have high status.
4. Make small talk, and be an accommodating listener.
5. Be a snappy dresser.

Ten surefire ways to beat loneliness, in order of
preference (Chapter 3):
1. Get a boyfriend or girlfriend, any old boyfriend or
   girlfriend. Settle for someone who is less than perfect; a
   “filler.” If you’re on the rebound from a broken


162
     relationship, make sure the new partner doesn’t look or
     act like the old one.
2.   Do some volunteer work for a nonprofit club, for
     example, adult literacy, beach cleanup, etc. There’s no
     quicker way to feel happy than to see and help people
     who are less fortunate than yourself. Plus, nonprofit clubs
     are a good way to meet happy people. Peers don’t
     volunteer for these activities unless they are motivated
     and upbeat!
3.   Get involved in an exhausting project. That way you’ll be
     too busy to think about loneliness.
4.   If you’re a Christian, join a bible study group or Christian
     singles group. These groups are normally filled with nice
     people, and they organize plenty of activities whereby
     you can get to know people.
5.   If you’re not a Christian, join another club. Clubs have
     people who have the same interests as you do, and they
     also organize activities. Some examples might be
     language clubs, travel clubs, or social dance clubs, rock-
     climbing, or hiking, or public speaking clubs. (These
     could also be classes).
6.   Take a night class or a weekend class. You might learn
     something fun, work on an advanced university degree,
     and bump into new people at the same time.
7.   Find an IRC chat line on the Internet and start chatting.
     People often meet new friends online and get together
     after hours.
8.   Get on the Internet. Access
     www.internationalpenpals.com, www.cyberfriends.com,
     or www.excite.com/directory/people_and_chat/pen_pals,
     and get an email pal.
9.   Look in the backs of magazines for snail mail penpals.



                                                             163
10.   Go traveling. It’s easy to meet fellow travelers, but this is
      mostly a short term solution. If you don’t have the budget
      for international travel, then get a dog, and walk it a lot.
      You’ll meet all your neighbors, get plenty of exercise, be
      fairly safe from muggers, and you’ll have a best friend
      for life.

Ten surefire ways to increase your popularity (Chapter
4):
1. Always be seen in the company of a person of the
    opposite sex.
2. (Women) Get cosmetic surgery or use makeup and
    clothing to alter peoples’ perception of your shape. (Men)
    Wear platform shoes and bulkier clothing up top.
3. Buy showy high status objects (cars, houses, etc.),
    jewelry, clothing, etc.
4. Join the “in” crowd, club, business, or organization.
5. Always appear upbeat, happy, and friendly to everybody.
6. Never let people see you think or engage in planning.
7. Converse about “in” topics, fashionable pastimes, or
    people.
8. Never say anything negative about others.
9. Never disagree with anyone or say anything that goes
    against popular thought.
10. If you are in the limelight, get a bulletproof vest. Once
    you get popular, people will take a shot at you. Get ready
    for their rumors or insults.

Six good indications that a person likes you (Chapter 8):
1. The person calls you on the telephone just to say “hi.”
2. The person touches your shoulder, holds your hand, etc.
3. The person walks in step with you and mimics your body
    language.


164
4. The person laughs at all your weak jokes as if all your
   jokes are funny, even though you don’t think your jokes
   are so funny.
5. The person always invites you.
6. The person sends you gifts other than greetings cards.

Seven surefire ways to survive heartbreak (Chapters 15
and 17):
1. Don’t get your hopes up.
2. Don’t go on a foolish mission, if you know it’s going to
   be foolish
3. If she hurts you, let go completely.
4. Put things in perspective. Try to remember someone you
   fell in love with and in your mind compare your feelings
   for her with your feelings for the girl who broke your
   heart.
5. Tell yourself, “She's not-worth it!”
6. Tell yourself, “The timing isn't right.” She's too caught
   up in her own situation so it’s a waste of energy to chase
   her.
7. Tell yourself, “You can't really blame her; she's insane.”

The Three Ps (Chapter 16):
1. Peak.
2. Pit.
3. Peer Group Ramp.

Romantic Timetable (Chapter 16):
1. Woman gives hint to man.
2. Man takes hint and indicates his willingness.
3. Woman loves man, accommodates him, and is never late.
4. She’s always late, and out of time. Her peer group is
   more important than the man.


                                                          165
5.    Man joins Woman’s peer group or Woman joins Man’s
      peer group.
6.    Woman and Man both grow together and eventually steal
      away from the group.
7.    Marriage. Hanging around with married friends, other
      couples.
8.    First child. Woman pays more attention to child than to
      the man.
9.    Third year. Man is tempted to find a new woman. Magic
      feeling is completely gone. Birth of new
      understanding/relationship between Woman and Man.
10.   Seventh year. Rules of new relationship are completely
      understood.

Fourteen surefire lessons you will come across by
experience (Chapter 5):

1.    The only person who appreciates your gifts is the person
      who is in love with you anyway, without the gifts.
2.     “If he takes two steps forward, don’t trust him because
      he wants something. If he takes two steps back, then he
      didn’t get what he wanted, so he’s now acting like a
      jerk.”
3.    The competition is always a jerk.
4.    If you’re interested in someone, their best friend and
      confidante secretly has a murderous hatred for you.
5.    (Murphy’s Law) On a date, anything that can go wrong,
      will go wrong.
6.    Real men don’t make the first move. Women supply the
      hint. Men supply the specifics.
7.    Everything goes wrong on a camping trip.




166
8.    No matter who you are, somebody in the world will have
      a crush on you, sometime in your life; the hard part is
      getting yourself to have a crush on them.
9.    Flirting does not mean they like you; it means the
      person’s flirting.
10.   The man always apologizes, even if it’s not his fault.
11.   When two people break up, the man sees it as sudden and
      shocking. The woman sees it as a long chain of events
      ending in a breakup.
12.   Men are always interested in the same women as other
      men are. The rest of the women are backup plans.
13.   Women are always interested in the same men as other
      women are. The rest of the men are backup plans.
14.   Older girls consider money first and physical attraction
      second.




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