Dr Prakash N Shah
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Assertiveness (47) – to say boldly
In Guajarati there is proverb – “”one time saying no can benefit hundred times –
EK NANO SO DUKH HANE- You must have observed that politicians and successful
entrepreneur are assertive.
Have you felt to become more assertive - to speak and express your feelings
freely, say no when you do not want to do and stop being a people-pleaser? If no,
what has prevented you from doing so?
People have their beliefs about the acceptable ways to interact with other people
and so assertiveness. These thoughts become habitual and are strengthened by
repeated patterns of thinking from the impact of past experiences. They tend to
assume these beliefs are accurate, seldom thinking of their validity.
When you develop positive beliefs about being assertive, you are more likely to
engage in assertive behavior and to continue acting assertively in the face of
criticism and resistance from others. You are less likely to feel guilty after you
have expressed your feelings and opinions.
Assertive communication is direct (clear, concise and to the point), while the
others are indirect (hinting, mixed messages and avoiding the point). Assertive
behavior helps communication, while aggressive, passive and passive-aggressive
behavior hampers communication.
Being assertive means expressing self without hinting, playing games, blaming, or
hoping the other person reads our mind. We ask for what we want. We state it
clearly and concisely. We say it in a respectful way. We always know we can deal
with the consequences of our statements, whatever they may turn out to be.
We learn our style of communication from the people around us and how they
interact with each other. If a passive parent or an aggressive parent raised us,
those are the styles that are most familiar to us and that we are most likely to
duplicate. So, just as we learned how to be aggressive in the past, we can behave
to communicate assertively now.
There are many scenarios that could have encouraged being non-assertive. Some
of us were punished when we spoke out assertive so we learned to be passive
and quiet. Other people concluded that they did not want to hear what they had
to say. Still others were taught that it was conceited to put self first, so they
learned to be people-pleasers.
On the other end some people were taught that the only way to get their needs
met or to get attention was to compete and be "better" than the other person.
They learned how to be aggressive and to win.
It is important to identify what are our blocks to being assertive, in doing so in
addition to learning how to communicate assertively, we can also learn at clearing
obstacles to become assertive.
Take a moment to think. How did you personally learn to be non-assertive? What
were some of your life experiences which emphasized you to be passivity, or
other non-assertive behavior?
Do you have any of these beliefs about assertiveness?
Being assertive you feel:
It's selfish
Others will think I am arrogant
I will hurt the other person's feelings
The other person will get angry
I have to think about other's needs
It's rude
I will get in trouble
What are three negative beliefs you personally have about being assertive and
that keep you non-assertive?
One very common belief that is an obstacle to assertively is that others will think
that we are being selfish. But taking care of our own needs and expressing
ourselves does not mean that we are being selfish. For many people the word
"selfish" has a very negative word but actually it is being "self-full". Our needs and
other people's needs do not have to be mutually matching. Just because we make
choices for ourselves does not mean that we will always choose to ignore others
and not do anything for them. But when we do consider others, we will do it from
a place of choice rather than a place of "have to" or under fear.
Also, when we make choices for others we may be taking away the opportunity
for them to make choices for themselves. So instead of thinking of being assertive
as being selfish - think of it as it is respecting ours and others rights.
Others may be surprised and comment negatively on our assertiveness, but that
does not mean we acted inappropriately. Sometimes people don't like other
people who are assertive. They may think an assertive person doesn't care about
other people. This can often be because the recipient of the assertive behavior is
not getting what they want. They can't manipulate the other person. The
assertive person is standing against them and that doesn't work for them.
How someone responds to our assertiveness is his choice. We are not responsible
for someone else's feelings, actions or decisions. Why should we bother?
If they do not like our behavior it is up to them. They may become assertive with
us as well and let us know so we will welcome it. Or they need to find some other
way to get their needs met. Assertiveness allows flexibility and space for
negotiation.
Self-esteem and assertiveness are directly related. If we don't feel good about
ourselves and believe in ourselves, we are more likely to look externally for
answers and motivation. If we don't trust ourselves, we are less likely to be
assertive and express our feelings, needs and wants. We are more likely to try to
manipulate and control the situation so that the outcome is predictable and
something we can cope with – (of course in our thinking). We are less likely to
take risks where we don't know the outcome, because we won't trust our self
that we can handle it.
Therefore, improving our self-esteem will help us to be more assertive. Similarly,
the positive outcomes from taking the risk to act assertively will help to boost our
belief in our self and boost our self-esteem.
Overall, thinking positively about being assertive makes it easier to actually be
assertive. We can increase our ability to communicate in an assertive manner by
replacing our non-assertive messages (self-talk) with messages that support
assertive behavior, such as:
I have the right to be assertive
I deserve to make choices that support me
All my feelings are valid
I have the right to say no
I do no have to offer excuses for my choices or behaviors
I have the right to ask to have my needs met
What are three positive beliefs that would support you being assertive? Look back
at the three negative beliefs you listed above for ideas. Try changing them into
positive statements.
Many times you're aware many of your beliefs that were imposed on you but
you're working on this (yes?). We learn beliefs, and we can unlearn them. We can
decide to keep or remove any belief imposed on us. If any belief withholds a
fulfilling life from us, we have a responsibility to give it real thought and
reassessment.
You are after applying to self-improvement and new thought, such beliefs will
surface out--if they aren't already obvious. Let go of any embarrassment about
this. A natural part of the self-evolving process is to open to such moments so you
can let go of them.
Do a quick check-in on some of your beliefs.
We take a limiting belief and act as if it's real. Every belief acts automatically
through our thoughts, feelings, words, choices, and actions. Then, we should not
be surprised by end results. Even when we attempt to change at the conscious
level, we don't realize our subconscious still accepts the ingrained belief--until we
see it, let it go, and grab onto one that supports us.
It takes time and practice to change our communication style and become more
assertive. By recognizing which of our old beliefs keep us non-assertive,
challenging them and then replacing them with new beliefs of assertiveness, we
can increase the confident style of communication and then getting want we
want and grand success.
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