Please, lend me your ear for at least once more. I know your patience for
me has already gone past the point of cold, apathy, but perhaps luck will have
it that you'll read these words, no matter how sickened you are with me.
For starters, my behavior in response to yours has produced anger, seemingly
beyond that of the point of repair. I'm not proud of my long winded, confusion,
stressful, and frantic talk. I was must admit that i was panicked at the time
that you drifted away.
I've said it once, twice, whatever, and I'll say it again, you are quite
different. I really don't know why...and I haven't had the time to figure out
why. Before a couple of days ago, you still maintained that you loved me and
before that, you cared for so many others. But the distance between us
reminded me of Michele and I didn't know how to act, seeing as I never really
learned how to deal with the loss of something that (seemed to) show me how
beautiful i truly was, how intelligent and wonderful i was. You know how this
feels - but it was hard for me to put up a defense to this new uncovering of my
ugliness..i had matured far too much to accept gods or childlike defenses of
playing a game to divert my attention. I reacted to you in a way that i would
again react when I still had no defenses..but fear overtook me and I struck out
at any hope of your love reaching me. My hurtful actions caused you to reject
me further.
I'll admit that it's probably too late to seek forgiveness - maybe it's
futile in saying that I have done more in response towards my hurting you then
anyone else in your life, but I won't be surprised if you don't care. I can
feel myself grow so much colder, too. But you...you've turned into a seemingly
impenetrable island. I wonder how much empathy or understanding you are able to
spare for others. It's time to watch out for numero uno - and no I'm not making
fun of you or calling you an asshole. It's understandable. I too have grown
weary of taking care of people...but i have to admit that I have not gone that
far. but after so much, my mother, my father, all of my parents, my experience
with poverty, high school - having few people there for me, and mostly god, and
college - Michele, classes, you, and then Starbucks - i, too know what cold is
like.
I don't know what it is that makes people venture forth from their shells
that they have had created around them - i wish to find out before it's too
late for me. It's obvious that those in stone sacrifice less (of what little
they have) to help others. these shells are evidence of lessened understanding
and more and more misunderstanding, more and more apathy. if one day you break
through - and you need something to say, hell, even convince you that you
aren't ugly - do try to find me. I say this for two reasons:
1. I don't want to be cold anymore then i already am and I'm sure that in the
future if you arise out of this state, i could be extremely cold, myself and
would want someone to teach me to be empathetic again.
2. I would ultimately want to be there for you and you have been there for me.
Send me a message and at least tell me what you want back (I'll bring your
black hat, your belt, and anything else i can find that you might want - tell
me if you'd care to see these tommorow) - i don't know what i gain for this,
but being further from a nuisance from your mind is nice - but i suspect that
my motive to comply with you rests in that if, given certain motivation, you
could become cold enough, you might take legal action against me - and you know
of what kind. I don't suggest that you are a monster underneath everything, but
with the proper motivation, people can do all sorts of kinds of things. It
doesn't matter if i collect my things, but sure, I'd like to be reminded of the
good times of progress that we had.
I hope that your schooling does well, and that you wind up somewhere where
you'd like to be, but I guess at this point, you might not really care. who
knows, you might just be invested in your studies at this rate. Whatever it'll
be, I wish you the best of luck. Hopefully you'll find some sort of happiness
beyond that of superficiality that plagues us all.
I hope to see you sometime later in this life under good (hopefully not
forced)terms,
Jeremey
P.S. Papa is having surgery this Tuesday on his knee, he should be alright, but
I just thought that you might want to know and I have just put in my two weeks
notice at Starbucks in hopes of finding a less stressful job and so that I may
take care of pops more - he wont be able to walk much, and I'm going to be
getting a car within the next two months - I probably won't be leaving papa and
Grandma Judy's house for quite some time, unfortunately, but i have to be real
with myself and the possibilities that can actually be possible.