april

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:01 Page 1









EDGE

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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:20 Page 2

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:25 Page 3









Why do we press harder on a remote-control when the batteries are low? Page 3

Mrs. Edge









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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 26/03/2008 10:23 Page 4









JOANNA Page 4 Why do banks charge a fee for us having ‘insufficient funds’ when they know damn well that we’re skint?

works ‘don’t quite get’ how he’d ever know, you might love it. less by comparison - it truly does.

choose to willingly go on holiday But believe me, I do understand it’s Living at altitude would also make

with “an older married couple”, as not for everyone - perhaps myself you naturally fitter, due to the fact

though we’re his bloody mum and included. Yes folks, for the second that there’s noticeably less oxygen.

dad or something, which we are) time on such a holiday, I have And you get pissed quicker, which is

went to Breckenridge, Colorado, returned home nursing very sore a bonus.

USA, the last week in February. It ribs (maybe I’ve even cracked one I definitely found my level this time

was my third time there, the wife’s of them, only I honestly can’t be around though. Oh yes, did I find my

second and Lengthy Boy’s debut. arsed with all of the rigmarole of level. And it’s colour is green.

Why Breckenridge? having an X-ray to find out). I am ashamed to admit that I do not

Well, it’s absolutely first class for But hey, you simply cannot deny the ever see me progressing further

beginners, the snow’s good (some sheer awesome (the Yanks are for- than green runs (alternatively called

locals reckoned we’d had the best ever saying the word ‘awesome’ ‘baby runs’ in skier/snowboarder

snowfall in 10 years whilst we were and it totally gets on your tits, partic- parlance). Me and The Length tried

there), it’s a picture-postcard town ularly when you hear a proud mum a blue run (the next stage up) whilst

and hell, it’s 10,000ft up (by com- saying it of her offspring, simply we were in Breckenridge, but I just

The Edge Editor’s Column parison, Ben Nevis in Scotland is because it’s managed to get down a kept on falling over out of sheer

No prizes for guessing where I’ve 4,400ft whilst Snowdonia (Yr couple of steps on its own) beauty fright, I think, whilst my 15 year jun-

been, then. Wyddfa) in Wales stands at 3,560ft). of mountains covered in fresh snow ior was all for giving it another go.

Correct. Up on the slopes, although To be honest, it quite literally takes with the sun beating down on you. Bollocks to that.

in my own particular case, you may your breath away - we started puff- Oh Christ, does it feel good. It feels Blue runs = Brown pants (so far as

as well make that slope (singular) ing carrying our holiday bags up a sooooo damn good. Maybe it’s the yours truly is concerned).

for anything else would make me short incline soon after arrival, but altitude? Maybe it’s the fact that Come to think of it, I might not ever

sound as though I was an accom- then you really should see what the you’re closer to the sun (hang on, strap a snowboard to my feet again,

plished skier/snowboarder who ‘got wife packs. What’s more, you cur- that’s the same thing, isn’t it?). I but that simply wouldn’t stop me

around on the piste a bit’, which I rently get an excellent rate for dol- don’t know. But it just makes you taking one of these gorgeous winter

unfortunately do not. lars against pounds sterling, not to feel like you’re on another planet. breaks because they are (unfortu-

But hey, that doesn’t stop you enjoy- mention all of the other stuff you can So, y’know, maybe do a snow-shoe nately), erm, awesome.

ing yourself and this particular piece do that I don’t think Europe offers, trek (they’ve come a long way since Why hasn’t Chelmsford got snow

is dedicated to all those of you who such as Husky sledding - but more people used to strap tennis rackets covered mountains in the back-

haven’t yet given a ‘powder holiday’ about that later (see page 9). to their feet), or perhaps a nature ground? Why is there only bloody

(that’s what they call it, those that Of course, some of you might say, trek on skis (after all, you don’t have sky (and grey sky for the vast major-

can do it, only doesn’t it stick in your “What’s the point in going on a ski- to be able to ski to shuffle on skis in ity of the time)?

throat in an ‘ugh’ sort of way, folk ing/snowboarding holiday if you’ve a horizontal fashion, do you?). Being on mountains covered in

calling snow ‘powder’?) a go, partic- absolutely no interest in doing The Edge can almost guarantee snow makes you feel so alive.

ularly if you’ve got kids, because the either?” that you’ll love it. So get your 2009 winter holiday

younger they are, the quicker they’ll To which The Edge would respond, I am missing it big time. It’s probably booked now via Edge Travel etc.

learn and leave you standing/gaw- “How do you know unless you give ‘the sheer scale of life’ you feel

’em both a go?” when you’re out there, before com-

THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD

ping in their wake. 01245 348256

Me, the G.L.W. (good lady wife) and Have a lesson or two immediately ing back to bloody Chelmsford,

and see how you get on. You never which seems kind of ickle and point- shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

His Lengthyship (people where Matt



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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:01 Page 5









Why do we take it as read that there are over four billion stars in the sky, yet check whenever we see a ‘WET PAINT’ sign? Page 5



Trotter Update

Following that visit The Length and I paid to

New Barn Farm (see March Edge) to wade in

mud and see the ickle piglets and buy some

chops and sausages made from ickle piglets

once they’ve fattened up a bit, The Edge can

now report that they, poor things, taste

absolutely brilliant (sad, but true).

What I mean is, they don’t taste like super-

market pork chops at all (they’re far meatier

0800 633 5122

and much less watery) and absolutely zero fat

came out of the sausages, which Mrs Edge

thought was “right proper amazing”.

So for free range pork, look no further than

Pauline and Trevor Robb’s piggery at West NEW EMAIL ADDRESS

Go See George

Hanningfield, just outside Chelmsford, folks.

Come to think of it, they also have chickens It is now

and cows, so you might want to take that into

And now for a public information announcement consideration too when placing your order. www.theedgemag.co.uk

from The Edge: For stamps and to weigh pack- Or you can just go for a walk around with the

ages and send ’em to people and stuff, why not go family in the mud, but do make sure you take and

see George in Moulsham Street? your wellington boots.

Yes folks, the Moulsham Street Post Office is on New Barn Farm, Blind Lane, shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

ground level and, if there are no Traffic Warden’s West Hanningfield.

about, you can generally do a crafty one and park Tel: 01245 257346 or 0781 466 3585

right outside the door (try doing that out the front of

W. H. Smith in Chelmsford High Street).

What’s more, there generally aren’t any queues

which snake a mile long, so you can get in and out

without it affecting your life to the detriment too

much.

And, if all that wasn’t enough, you even get a cheery

‘Hello’ and a ‘How are you today, bloke/madam?’

thrown in at no extra cost.

Yes folks, Moulsham Street has still got one of those

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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:22 Page 6









Page 6 How come glue doesn’t stick to the inside of the bottle?



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Lech, in Austria, and is by far one of the most glam- beers) and peoplewatch. Look hard enough and

ourous places I have ever skied, reports Chris you’ll even spot the odd celebrity.

Elms. In fact, it’s probably more famous for being Lunch was always an interesting time with many

the resort where the movie Bridget Jones was holidaymakers spending between £200-£300 on

filmed. It’s full of Gucci clad, champagne guzzling, champagne alone, up high on the slopes, before

fur coat wearers who are intent upon looking good skiing down and getting stuck into some more Dom

both on the slopes and off them. Perignon during après ski time as early as three in

The slopes themselves are extremely wide and the afternoon. In fact, between 3pm-5pm turned

tend to consist of mainly blue and red runs. They out to be the ideal time to ski as all the rich mup-

could definitely do with having some more black pets had cleared off for the day.

runs, although I guess most visitors to Lech don’t The ‘Frozen Ice Bar’ proved a very impressive dis-

18 Duke Street (opp. County Hall Car Park) want to fall over and get any of that pesky snow all covery half-way up a mountainside. It proved a per-

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Everything in Lech is the best and there isn’t a sin- Edge. Everyone sat around on blocks of ice that

gle hotel that’s less than 4-star in standard. The had bottles of - yes, you guessed it - champagne



DEATHBED restaurants too offer some of the best food I’ve

ever tasted, whilst the bars and clubs were all

extremely busy and had very few ugly people in

inside! It’s best to just have the one drink though,

otherwise it really can start to get expensive, with

champers costing up to 900 euros (nearly £700).

them. Damnit, even the chair lifts had heated seats Would Lech suit you?

- and I do mean ALL of them! Well, you certainly need to be able to ski, because

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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:22 Page 7









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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:22 Page 8









Page 8 Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?



Reared on Potatoes & Gravy

This is localish boy (did someone Where were you born? Colchester

mention his Polish ancestry?) Jan Hospital, as opposed to Warsaw or

(pronounced Yan) of Zagger Basic. Krakow, if truth be told.

In case you can’t find him anymore, Best moment in your entire life?

that’s because Zagger Basic has That’d have to be when Maisy was

now moved to number 26 Baddow born, although if you asked the mis-

Road from number 18 Baddow sus, she’d obviously say it was

Road. In short (and Jan’s not, he’s a when she met me, and you can’t

good height for a boy of his age and blame the girl for that.

descent, all things considered), How long have you been a fixture

that’s the first building on your left at Zagger? Almost ten years in

as you drive up Baddow Road to do total, although I left to work for

a sneaky bit of parking prior to mak- Puma in the City for four years, but

ing a purchase from any door lead- Chris couldn’t cope without me.

ing into the 5-door Zagger empire. Favourite food? Hmmm, that’d

In Jan’s new store you will find more have to be an American Hot Pizza

brands (more space = more gear) from Pizza Express, or potatoes





YEEEEE HAAAAA!

and gravy if I’m back home visiting

the folks. Or pie and mash when I’m

down the old Boleyn Ground.





Yet another EDGE has

Favourite eating-out venue in

Chelmsford? Prezzo and San.

Favourite local pub? It has to be





just hit-the-streets! O’Connor’s. They serve the best

drop of Draught Guinness in Essex.

Have any Hammers’ players visit-

ed Zagger? Oh yeah. We advertise

in their programme - that’s all down

to me, is that - and it’s brought in

punters from Clacton right the way

down to the East End. Mark Noble’s

been in, Matthew Upsom, Lucas

Neill and even Curbs came in for a

whistle the other week.

How do you relax? That’s a bit of a

personal question, isn’t it? Well,

Jan Pieckielon-Attrell there’s my X-Box 360 and my

than he had before, including AMQ, Nintendo Wii for starters.









C

Belstaff, True Religion, Evisu, Keep the rest to yourself, Jan.

the Victorinox, Lyle & Scott, Stone

Island etc. etc. etc.

And what about your favourite

music? Oasis, James Morrison,





ave But you’re not interested in all that,

are you, readers?

’Course you’re not.

What you want to know is whether

Duffy.

Waistline? Thirty four on a good

day, or 36” after a Sunday lunch or

a full English breakfast.

Jan’s body really does taper away Favourite TV programme? Moving

like that of a tadpole’s, as the evi- Wallpaper and Dexter.

Chelmsford’s Only dence of this photograph would Favourite radio station? There’s

seem to suggest (let me tell you, only one - Essex FM.

Pole Dancing readers, it took a three hour photo Favourite movie? Die Hard.

Nightclub shoot and one helluva lot of Favourite book? Layer Cake.

phamaldehide to get Jan looking What car do you drive? Ha. I

OPEN: Thursday, Friday this good). Furthermore, you natu- don’t. I have actually failed my driv-

& Saturday 8pm-2am rally must want to know what makes ing test ten times, but I reckon an

the boy tick. Aston Martin would suit me when I

Free Admission before Speaking of which, have you spot- do eventually get through.

10pm (£5 after) ted that Big Benlike timepiece on What aftershave do you wear?

his wrist? Christ, you’d have no Molton Brown Cool and Polo Sport,

Topless pole dancing excuses for being if you owned a but not at the same time.

every 10 minutes at watch like that, would you? God Favourite holiday resort? The Old

no extra charge only knows how loud the alarm is. Village in Vilamoura, down in The

Apparently it’s a T.W. Steel that Algarve. It’s brilliant. We’ve stayed

Fully Nude Private retails at £285 at (where else?) there quite a few times, actually.

Dances ONLY £10 Zagger. What sort of dog do you see

So anyway, here’s a bit about Jan, yourself as, were one to be

Dress code: just to help you get to know the lad shaved and stood at a bar drink-

smart/casual a little better. ing Guinness? St. Bernard.

He’s 31, Polish (has The Edge Do you have any nasty little

OVER 18’s

strict door I.D. already mentioned that?) and has habits? Funnily enough, I do enjoy

been married to Michelle for “eight a good rummage around in the old

long suffering years”. They have a nostril department.

Opposite Chelmsford delightful little daughter called Finally, if you didn’t work at

Railway Station Maisy, who’s three, named after all Zagger, what would you be? I’d

those maisy runs Joe Cole used to be a comedy script writer, but that

TELEPHONE: 01245 349262 go on when he was down at The Gervais keeps nicking all my ideas,

’Ammers, prior to defecting. the fat bastard.

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:22 Page 9









Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Page 9









Husky Sledding

Check this out, readers.

This is my little baby in total control over a bunch of rabid wild animals.

Yep, it’s Mrs Edge steering a pack of farting, shitting (they really do as they

bustle along) husky dogs through a proper winter wonderland.

I mean, is this picture postcard perfect, or what?

’Course, it’s not a patch on whale watching just off the coast of Hawaii (just

thought I’d slip that one in for good measure, ’cos it genuinely is the

absolute best to be up close and personal to ‘right big sardines’). But hey,

if you don’t experience these things, you’re never gonna know what floats

your boat, are you?

Y’see, some folk like free-fall parachuting and all of that malarkey, and good

luck to them.

All I’m saying is, this was a pretty perfect moment in life, that’s all.

We work hard enough, don’t we? What’s more, we spend a bloody long

time working too, I’m sure you’ll agree?

So is an hour of sheer fantasy allowed every now and again?

The Edge thinks it is.

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:23 Page 10









Page 10 If we evolved from apes, how come there’s still apes?



Undercover Dining at

Dining

i E sex

Es SMITHS OF SMITHFIELD, LONDON.

I know I shouldn't, especially after my terrible

experience on Masterchef last year, but I

absolutely love Johns Torode's restaurant

Smith’s of Smithfields, writes Faye Cullinane.

I must have eaten there about half-a-dozen

times, mostly for lunch, and it’s really easy to

Essex your stop

Dining Out In Essex is your one stop

get to from Chelmsford. Just take the tube to

the Barbican from Liverpool Street and it's but a

est restaurants across Ess x.

se

of the best restaurants across Essex. five minute walk alongside the famous meat

market (which is meat as in beef, lamb, chicken

etc. and not anything else).

Everytime I go there, I never choose anything

other than the lucky squid with chilli jam to start, which is fantastic - as are



Now reaching over

“

“

“

“ all the homemade soups and the salt cod fritters.









“

No re ov Torode has got it so right at this restaurant. There are four floors in total. The

ers every

30,0 0 din ever

00

,00 ground floor is café-style with ketchup and brown sauce bottles on the

month across the

on ross tables, serving full English breakfasts, meat pies, soups and burgers. Travel

up one flight and you enter the Wine Room with its marble bar. Here you

Essex area alone.

area can drink 20 different wines by the glass and indulge in small British plates

of food and hot meat sandwiches served up on wooden chopping boards.

Find us on: Last time I ate on this floor, I had hand cut ham and homemade piccalilli



www.essexrestaurants.com

w.esse e taur .com

c

with freshly made bread. Absolutely delicious.

Yet another flight of stairs takes you up to the Dining Room, which is

brasserie in style. This is where I ate the last time I visited Smiths and you

already know my starter, which I followed up with a pan fried fillet of pollack

n,

design

If yo are looking fo a restaurant web

you are looking for restauran web

ou or (spelt correctly) with a poached egg, bacon lardons and a creamy mustard

sauce and curly kale. Then for dessert I opted for a cheese board, but other

nd

an

you need to get web site up and

everything you need to get a web site

every dishes on offer were the likes of sticky toffee pudding, white chocolate and

Top Draw Media provides you with

Top Draw provides you

ginger cheesecake, chocolate and marscapone torte with poached plums

and oh such wonderful other delights. One of our party had the torte which

was really just a wedge of pure chocolate - I was surprised he got through

are the keys to success.

are keys to it all without being sick, but he even polished off his plums on the side as



topdrawmedia.com

ia

topdrawmedi well. Then there was this other guy we went out to lunch with who was an

American and asked me to order for him. So he ended up with the squid

(surprise, surprise) followed by the ‘special of the day’ which was steak and

kidney pie with mash. He seemed more than pleased by my selection and

as he was a Yank, I thought I’d make him try something totally British.



seabright’s barn That’s what I like about Smiths so very much; the fact that they offer such

good quality, fresh, hearty fayre, although there are lighter dishes if you pre-



carvery & grill fer. Here’s just a snippet of what’s on their menu:

BREAD (£1)

Smiths of Smithfield Bread, Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinegar (Rosemary

Focaccia and Eight Seed Cob)

LARDER (£5.50)

Thai Duck Salad, Green Papaya, Herbs, Chilli Dressing, Roast Rice

Grilled Field Mushrooms on Toast, Poached Egg and Parsley Butter (V)

Foie Gras and Duck Liver Parfait, Onion Marmalade, Toast

Richard Woodall's Ham, Piccalilli, Soda Bread

STARTERS (£6.50)

New Season English Asparagus with Vinaigrette (Cold) or Hollandaise (Hot)

(V)

Portuguese Salt Cod Fritters, Mayonnaise and Lemon

Lucky Squid, Chilli Jam and Chinese Broccoli

SOUPS (£4)

Creamy cauliflower (V)

MAINS & GRILLS (£11.50)

Why not book a seabright’s marquee party now? Truffled Leeks, Jerusalem Artichoke Risotto (V)

Ideal for weddings, hen parties, family gatherings, Smoked Haddock and Salmon Fishcake, Creamed Spinach and Dill

'Smiths'10oz Beef Burger, Mature Cheddar, Old Spot Bacon

bithdays, anniversaries, christenings etc. Spinach and Goats Cheese Pithivier with Roast Pine Nuts (V)

Business Meetings MAINS & GRILLS (£12.50)

9oz Rib Steak, Chips and Mustard Mayo

& Corporate Seminars Five Spiced Chinese Duck, Pak Choy and Oyster Sauce

a speciality Crisp Belly of Pork, Mash Potato and Green Sauce

Daily Fresh Fish, Mixed Salad, Lemon and Olive Oil

Superb 2-course carvery meal DESSERTS are all £4.50 with the cheeseboard from Neals Yard being £7 -

from £7.75pp midweek but then you do get half a box of Carrs Water Biscuits on the side and a

from £11.95pp weekends huge big bunch of grapes.

Oops, sorry, I omitted to tell you about the very top floor. That’s where you’ll

seabright’s barn find Smiths a la carte dining with white linen table cloths. I must admit to not

galleywood road, great baddow, chelmsford, cm2 8nb. having dined there, but a friend of mine says she prefers the steak on the

telephone 01245 478033 second floor, which is half-the-price to boot. However, I’d imagine it would

be lovely for a special occasion.

You will find so much more at...



www.seabrightsbarn.com 66-67 Charterhouse Street, London, EC1M 6HJ.

Tel: 0207 251 7950 reservations@smithsofsmithfield.co.uk

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:27 Page 11









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Tel: 01245 259999 TEL: 01245 259017 / 494403

101 Victoria Road, Chelmsford, CM1 1NZ.

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:33 Page 12









Page 12 Why is it that no matter what colour bubble-bath you use, the bubbles are always white?



THE SWAN INN A Tax & Defences

@ HATFIELD PEVEREL If you have the good fortune to be average price of a pint at the time

The Street, Hatfield Peverel. reading this article whilst enjoying a was 30p, the planned (indeed

decent pint of beer in a pub, you banned) increase still constituted a

‘Live’ Music in April may have noticed that things are a

little different from what you have

mere 10%, which is the same as the

rise implemented in many pubs last

Friday 4th April GRAFFITI come to expect, writes David month (20p on beer from a starting

Friday 11th April BIG DOWN UNDER Sherman. That's it - your pockets point of just over £2 at national

are lighter than they would normally averages for session beer).The

Saturday 12th April F R E E L A N C E

be in such circumstances. Of Chancellor's base increase was 4p

Friday 18th April S TA K E O U T course, you don't need me, nor a (less than 2%).

Friday 25th April DICKIE HEART set of scales, to inform you of that.

You are already well aware of it. So what has changed - that we now

‘Jam Nights’ All musicians welcome. Just turn up, plug in & play!

Every Thursday with resident band LEGEND. And you probably like to think that condemn the Chancellor for con-

you are fully cognisant of the rea- tributing less than half of the recent

SKY TV Fine Cask Ales SETANTA SPORTS sons behind it. price increase - after years of the

Telephone: Chelmsford 380238 But you’d be wrong. tax burden being steadily

decreased in real terms? It is partly

For many years, the over-taxing of that the government no longer has

beer has been a bug-bear of the the guts to stand up to unreason-

British drinker. It is true, of course, able upward-only adjustments by

that the taxation rate on beer is big businesses. It is also the case

higher here than in many other that these businesses have become

countries (about 35% of the bar- better at manipulating the informa-

room price of a pint, as against only tion that reaches the public and the

UB 10% in France). It is also true that means by which it comes to us.

HE P

WN T AR)

the recent rise announced by the

DO

ING) UL Chancellor is above the general The breweries announce their



A SS (DOZ ATE (SING RS rate of inflation, and that it is being annual increases shortly before the

IAN C TH HIS M FEW BEE used in a misguided and ill-fated budget, so that they do not filter

WI FTER A attempt to reduce social problems through to the public until after the

A associated with excessive drinking. Chancellor's bog speech. And,

At that point, the relationship whereas, the Chancellor makes his

between fact and ‘media spin’ announcements live on television

comes to an abrupt end. and has them picked apart by the

media, the breweries write discreet

What is consistently missing from letters to publicans giving well-



A Warm Welcome Awaits You the brewer's reaction to each year's

budget is the fact that the proportion

rehearsed reasons for ripping off

the drinker and disguising it as a tax

Conservatory of the price of a pint going to the hike.

taxman was, prior to last month's

LIVE music LAST FRIDAY increase, lower than at any time And what reasons! The favourite

of EVERY MONTH since the days of the Heath govern- whinge this year is that the bad har-

(more jazz than rock!) ment. Every Chancellor since the vest has led to an increase in the

early 90s has pursued a policy of price of hops. We may leave aside

A la carte restaurant on

first floor increasing beer tax by no more than the facts that government subsidies

PIE & PINT £6.95 on the rate of inflation, yet every year should mean that the price of a crop

ST. GEORGE’S DAY/23rd APRIL! pub prices show an increase in real is not related to the harvest, and

8 beautifully appointed terms, usually by at least 5%. One that most drinkers do not remember

SUNDAY CARVERY en suite bedrooms (from £60) does not need to be a chartered asking brewers to start using so

£9.95pp accountant to deduce that some- many hops in their beer. It may be

inc. choice of 2 meats, Fine selection of Youngs thing other than the taxation must better to ask brewers to pinpoint the

roast potatoes & Yorkshire Pudding traditional ales be responsible for the increase. last year in which a good harvest

resulted in a decrease in beer

The reason for the irresistible rise in prices.

beer prices may be found by looking

back to the days when a Labour But here is the clincher. Some years

government last held power in this ago, the introduction of Progressive

country. In January 1978, Allied Beer Duty led to a real-terms reduc-

Breweries (producers of Tetley's, tion in the taxation paid by the vast

Ansell's and Double Diamond, then majority of breweries in this country.

some of the nation's most popular This was, of course, met by above-

brews) announced an across-the- inflation price rises by these self-

board increase of 3p per pint. The same breweries.

government of the day simply told

them that they were not allowed to It therefore remains impossible to

Over

do so. vote a brewery out of office.

21’s

after

7pm! It is true, of course, that beer was Believe it or not, readers, David

much cheaper thirty years ago, and Sherman’s brother is called Ben

Victoria Road, Chelmsford. that 3p was, in the general scheme Sherman. You know, like in the

Riverside Inn Tel. 01245 266881

riversideinn@youngs.co.uk

of things, more significant than it

would be today. However, as the

shirts. What were his mum & dad

thinking of? E.E.

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:33 Page 13









Is there a day when sofas are not on sale? Page 13



NHS Blood Test

Recently, my GP sent me for a blood test,

writes The Grumpy Goose. Despite my fear

of needles and pretty much all things medical,

I had no option but to comply. So off I trotted to

St. John's third world hospital. I arrived and

duly followed the signs that led me to what

appeared to be a garden shed. At first, I

thought I must have taken a wrong turning and

wandered onto someone's allotment. But then

I noticed a sign proclaiming ‘Blood Tests’.

A mistake, surely?

I approached the outhouse with trepidation.

The Grumpy

There were six people standing outside; struc- Goose

tural engineers, perhaps, to warn all those

approaching of the hazardous nature of the rickety structure? No, they

were simply people queuing, outside, as the totally inadequate waiting

room was full. Upon peering through the doors, I concluded that outside

was indeed far preferable to the horrors of the inside.

I subsequently made a hasty retreat and wondered if this was not an

attempt by Mid Essex Health Authority to create a living museum of a

bygone medical age. But isn’t St. John's a fully functioning NHS hospital?

Such got me pondering what terrible sin St. John himself must have com-

mitted to have such a place bear his name.

I felt, not unreasonably, that my blood should be taken using 21st century www.plastechltd.co.uk

methods in a 21st century medical facility, so I headed to a private clinic in

Chelmsford’s London Road, where I was greeted by smiling faeces in a

clean, modern environment with a waiting room offering sufficient comfort-

able chairs. My anxiety receded and the extraction of my blood turned out

to be almost tolerable experience.

Now, I am not for one moment suggesting that everyone should avail them-

Getting bigger by being better

selves of private medical services. However, the UK is one of the top ten Design - Planning - Installation - Completion

wealthiest countries in the world, and we are all compelled to pay extor- Windows, Doors, Fascias/Soffits (now with 20 year guarantee)

tionate amounts of tax. A question, therefore occurs: where is all our Cladding, Garage Doors, Sliding Sash Windows, Bi-fold Doors,

Garage Conversions, Conservatories, Patios, Extensions.

money? Who's got it? Certainly not the NHS, which is a total bloody dis-

grace. Aren't all people entitled to receive a decent medical service? Or is Local Office: 01245 426648 FREEPHONE: 0800 783 7040

that the sole preserve of those of us fortunate enough to be able to afford

59 Haltwhistle Road, South Woodham Ferrers, CM3 5ZA.

to pay for such - twice?

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:33 Page 14









Page 14 Why do people constantly return to the refridgerator in the forlorn hope that something new will have materialised?





Party! CRUNCH







restaurant

restaurant

on the square

on the square

on the square

Party!

Your editor might have returned boys are all very excited ’cos they’re

home from the slopes with some ‘going to play in the park’ and can

sore ribs, but that’s nothing com- hardly contain themselves. So to the

pared to what local lass Katie very top of the mountain we go.

Squire (of the Waltham Bistro) I, as Group Manager, suggest we

came back with. ride through the park first, see what

Take it away, Katie, lass:- they‘ve got to offer and what we

“Me, my little sis and some chums think we’re capable of. So off we go

had booked up for what we were with the boys still not overly

bargaining on being ‘the best’ snow- impressed that the girls (me and

boarding trip ever. Lottie) are better than them, as we

The perfect venue to celebrate Eight of us headed off to my mar’n’- take a few rails and kickers and get

Birthdays, Engagements or Hen Parties pars extremely nice chalet in a little some 'decent air'.

village called Filzmoos in Austria. Meanwhile, the boys really did need

Choose from our Party menus Its about 40 minutes from Salzburg to improve on their styles’n’tecnics,

or la carte menu

ca te

or A la carte menu Airport and known for having really

great snow. Not only that, the skiing

in my humble opinion.

OK, cool, time to put the boys in

(minimum courses)

(m n

(minimum 2 courses)

and boarding was meant to be fan- their place. I had 10 years boarding

Book your celebration with us

Book your celebration with us tastic. It is surrounded by numerous experience over them and being the

and receive free entry into

and receive free entry into other ski villages including very competitive girl that I am, I

Schladming, Radstadt, Flachawinkl thought it high time I really kicked

u

u

and Flachau to name but a few, so some ass.

we were banking on every day being “That second kicker in is mine,” I

a new, fun-filled adventure. yelled. Six to seven foot of snow

Licensed until 3am

Licensed until 3am Day 1: Feet-finding day. Jump on piled high that’d offer some great air!

Thursday 24th April

Thursday 24th April boards and head off for gentle burn And boy, did I get some air alright.

around the slopes. All bar one of us It’s true what they say, about time

‘Gourmet Night’

‘Gourmet Night’ had been boarding before, so we going r-e-a-l-l-y s-l-o-w-l-y when

courses fine wines inc. £35.00pp

5 courses & fine wines inc. - £35.00pp booked Zoe into ski/board school for you have an accident.

the week and made plans for where I took off and went flying rather high

www.onthesquarerestaurant.co.uk

www.onthesquarerestaurant.co.uk we’d be riding the rest of the week - through the sky. I remember think-

Tel: 01245 505880

Tel: 01245 505880 all done over a few glue vines, of

course (lovely hot red wine drinks

ing, ‘I’ll land this OK in a minute or

two’ and then CRUNCH!

E: reservations@onthesquarerestaurant.co.uk

E: reservations@onthesquarerestaurant.co.uk that sort you out good’n’proper). I just lay there. I wiggled my left leg,

x

Exchange Way, Chelmsford

1 Exchange Way, Chelmsford With me insisting my knowledge of then my right, followed by my arms

the surrounding area was far greater before breathing a huge sigh of

than anyone elses, I willingly made relief. ‘Thank God for not being

myself Group Manager for the week. paralysed’, I thought.

I thought: ‘Great. This is going to be However, I was in a lot of pain, but in

wicked. Lots of snow, lots of sun- my normal ‘Oh, I’ll be alright’ tone, I

shine, lots of clear blue skies, not to quickly demanded a fag plus a few

mention the coolest of the Cool 8 minutes to recompose myself and I

Chelmsford boarders in town. Look thought I’d be fine.

out Filzmoos, things could get Ten minutes later: still not fine.

messy.’ So lil sis and James drag me on my

Day 2: Everyone was improving fast snowboard to the side of the moun-

and having an awesome time. (See tain, out of the way of the kicker.

readers, there’s that bloody word “I’ll be OK,” I assure them.

again, so it’s hardly exclusive to But James knows I won’t be and

the USA. E.E.) 'This sure beats insists on getting some help.

working at the bistro,’ I thought. Another 10 minutes go by and the

Day 3: The best start to the day so fag has not helped one iota. The

far. Eight inches (f’narr) of snow next thing I see is two lovely

overnight, clear blue skies and yet Austrian piste guides who have

more lovely sun. Our destination: come to my aid.

Situated in picturesque

Situated in picturesque Flachau. Known for having one of “Right, we’re going to air lift you off

surroundings with a

surroundings with the best board parks around. My the mountain,” they explain.

wonderful courtyard area,

wonderful courtyard area,

Regiment Way provides

Regiment Way provides Only

a warm and friendly

warm and friendly 94p

Unbeatable discounts

Unbeatable discounts atmosphere for your

atmosphere for your per litre

for this year

for this year wedding reception and

wedding reception and

Call for latest availability

Call for latest availability civil ceremony

civil ceremony

tel: 01245 362210

tel: 01245 362210

email: info@regimentway.co.uk

email: info@regimentway.co.uk

Regiment Way Golf Centre

Regiment Way Golf Centre

Back Lane, Little Waltham,

Back Lane, Little Waltham,

Chelmsford, Essex. CM3 3PR

Chelmsford, Essex. CM3 3PR



regimentwayweddings.co.uk

regimentwayweddings.co.uk

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 26/03/2008 10:12 Page 15









Why vacuum over a piece of string ten times, pick it up, look at it, put it down, and start all over again? Page 15

“WHAT?!” yells I. “Don’t be stupid. my head as we headed straight for

I’ll be fine.” an ambulance, she was. Bless.

“No you are not,” they insist. So on 8th January 2008 at 1.08pm

“Shit, you can't air lift me,” says I. precisely, I was shipped off to an

“There’s no way mar’n’par will pick Austrian hospital.

up the bill (presumably a couple of Three days later, having had

grand) for that, and I’m certainly not numerous X-rays, scans, more X-

paying.” rays, plus been hung from the ceil-

Stupid cow. I hadn’t even sorted out ing butt naked to have my body cast

any insurance for this trip. fitted, they eventually let me go

And so, strapped onto a great big ‘home’ (back to the chalet).

inflatable stretcher with a ski guide I spent a total of nearly five weeks in

either end holding on to me, they that bloody sexy body cast, which I

towed me down the mountain, with even wore out in Chelmsford a time

my little sister boarding in front of or two when the social occasion

them to make the snow smooth so demanded it.

that there were no bumps for me to There then followed six weeks of

injure myself on any further. Singing intense physio before I could even

at the top of her voice to help keep think of going boarding again.

my mind off what was going on in I will though, most definitely.

Snowboarding is like a drug.

However, I do appreciate that I am a

very lucky girl and the whole ordeal

could have been an awful lot worse.

So many, many thanks to all of my

dear friends, family and everyone

else who has supported me and

sent me their best wishes.

The moral of this story is, make

damn sure you take out insurance

(Lengthy Boy?) prior to a winter

sports holiday spent on the slopes,

or at the very least get an E111 card

to cover you while you’re abroad.

Snowboarding is an absolutely bril-

liant buzz, but like most things, I

guess, you simply have to take the

lows with the highs!









The Weakest Link Many property transactions form part of a the signs of ‘buyer remorse’ early and min-

chain of related sales. Of course, a chain is imise its effects. More importantly, we go to

only as strong as its weakest link and, as a great lengths to ensure that a chain not only

national statistic, unfortunately one in every remains intact, often by our involvement sev-

three chains will fall apart, often at the eral links away, but also that the time

eleventh hour. This happens for a variety of between finding a buyer and exchange of

reasons from one party's mortgage glitch to contracts is reduced to the absolute mini-

an unpleasant surprise in another's survey or mum.

title enquiries.

Communication is the key, and we urge all

However, the most common factors affecting our buyers and sellers to be as open with us

a chain breaking down is simply that the as they can be so that we can use our skills

opportunity for one party or another to pull to facilitate a sale that is as swift, productive

out on a whim exists and often extends to and hassle-free as possible.

several weeks under the current property

buying system in the UK. Finding a buyer for your property is often the

easy part, but selecting an estate agent who

Buyer Remorse is a recognised syndrome, will ensure the sale actually goes through is

where buyers worry that they might not have just as critical.

made the right decision and their commit-

ment wavers. Without any form of pre-con-

tract commitment, the problem is likely to be The Estate Agent

with us for some time - even with the intro-

duction of the government's Home that works

Information Pack.

Jo Williams - Director Well-trained estate agents are able to spot

...for YOU!

www.thinkhome.co.uk

88 Duke Street

Chelmsford CM1 1JP

Tel: 01245 250222

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:35 Page 16









Page 16 How do those pesky dead bugs get into sealed picture frames?

I don't mean to be simplistic, but many

women, if they’re being honest, would

acknowledge that they prefer to be 'the

pretty one'.



After all, who, really and truly, would

extÄÄç età{xÜ XÅ ever want to be the Posh Spice of their

relationship? It's not like I'm saying

Male Grooming that every woman should rush out and

Are you a man who is not afraid to grab the first ugly guy they see.

moisturise? Do you have a grooming Hobosexual man isn't an unattractive

routine? Are you, at this very moment, chap, he just doesn't care whether he

sporting one or more of the following: wore ‘that top’ the last time he saw you

fake tan/lip balm/non marriage-related (in fact, he actually doesn't care if he's

jewellery/man-bag? been wearing the same top for the last

three days on the trot, so long as it

Then you, my dear, fall smartly into the doesn't have any perceptible stains

sweet-smelling category of the metro- down the front) and the fact that he

sexual. What’s more, you are not hasn’t shaved this week is really nei-

alone. With the UK cosmetics industry ther here nor there. He scrubs up well

seeing an eight fold increase in the enough, but just doesn't see the need

category of ‘men with a taste for con- to go over-the-top, except on very

cealer and guyliner’ since the year 'special occasions'. He's utterly naïve

2000, it seems that more and more to the purpose of all the lotions and

British men are feeling the pressure to potions in a lady's bathroom and if he

conform to the Beckham ideal. tried to nick his girlfriend's face pack,

he'd only burn his eyebrows off in a

But do not lose hope - there is another freak Veet accident. Again.

way.

So all you single manly-men of

If you are now, and will always remain, Chelmsford, do not lose hope. You are

a manly man - if you abide by the 'turn suddenly trendier than skinny jeans

'em inside out' law of pant cleanliness and any day now you will be trampled

IPL Permanent Hair Reduction - if you are even, at this very moment, upon as a herd of women flock to dis-

yelling at this page: “I'm no bloody

from as little as £40 metro man!” then I have something to

cover your charms.



tell you (aside from: ‘It’s no good Ladies, do not fear. These men are not

BEFORE AFTER yelling at inanimate objects”). as scary as they look (and I'm sure the

scruffy exterior will prove a jolly effec-

You are a hobosexual. Yes, it's true, tive anti-theft device). A lovely hobo

you are a flaming hobo. But don't man could be just the thing you have

worry, it's really rather a good thing to been looking for to help you find your

be a hobo. Happy Ever After.



Wives and girlfriends countrywide are And if his sporadic showering routine

growing increasingly tired of sharing actively offends you…

bathroom space and mirror time with

Book on Wednesday 16th April for these special prices: their men. The toned, tanned and Hell, there's always Febreze!

10% OFF a course & 15% OFF multiple courses tedious footballer stereotype has out-

stayed his welcome as women begin Hobo Man's

to recognise the stubbly appeal of

Skin Rejuvenation hobo men.

Handy Translator



Skin imperfections are removed and improved by Man-bag: Somewhat feminine looking

Energist VPLTM treatments. As with so many other really shallow non-sports bag carried by

Sun damage and the effects of ageing can leave skin looking lessons in life, we may take our lead confidant/fashion-conscious/self-

from the world of celebrities. After a defence trained gentlemen.

tired and aged. Yellow light can help by boosting collagen

long-term relationship with that no

production, smoothing our wrinkles & fine lines good, low down, cheating ‘pretty boy’, Metrosexual (or metro): An image-con-

and improving skin texture and tone. Jude Law, the tabloids are scandalised scious well-groomed man with the

Energist VPLTM is also proven to remove and reduce thread that (cardboard actress and gossip beauty regime of an insecure woman

veins, rosacea, acne scarring /age and sun spots. column regular) Sienna Miller has and a wardrobe that looks like Top

£150 (normally £250) taken up with weedy Welshman Rhys Man & GQ threw up in his room.

with Derma Genesis Microdermabrasion Ifans. And how about Gwyneth Paltrow

£200 (normally £315) available for a limited period only going so far as to marry her scruffy Guyliner: Manly eyeliner - made for

Coldplay beau Chris Martin after years men by men and in no way like eyelin-

Universal Contour Wrap: of dating the stunning, the wonderful,

the beautiful Brad Pitt. And let us not

er. Much.

Buy TWO - get ONE free! forget supermodel Kate Moss and her Hobosexual (or hobo): An image-igno-

Collagenics, SmileQuest & Semi-Permanent continuing obsession with skanky rant, un-groomed man with the beauty

rockers. Speculation is rife that these regime of…a man, and a 'wardrobe'

Make-Up Clinics held once-a-month. women's insecurities are driving them that he stores on his floor.

NEW CLINICS: to seek 'inferior partners’. Well, much

as I hate to challenge the experts, isn't Rhys Ifans: Actor in greying Y-fronts in

Hypnotherapy, Reflexology, Foot Clinic. it possible that these girls are simply Notting Hill.

12 Wells Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1HZ. sick and tired of sharing the spotlight

with their men? Veet: Hair removal product.

TEL: 01245 50 52 50

www.anotherlevelinbeauty.com It’s certainly a strong possibility.

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 26/03/2008 10:12 Page 17









When someone rams us in the ankles with a supermarket trolley and apologises, why do we say, “Oh, that’s alright”? Page 17





The Phoenix Rises

Out of the flames, Masons Too restaurant (at the top of the old A12 in

Chelmsford) rises once again this month, reopening on Tuesday 15th April.

You may recall it was struck by fire towards the tail end of last summer

when a tumble-dryer short circuited on the first floor. As a result, the first

floor ceiling completely collapsed, the restaurant floor lifted due to the

extent of the water damage, and, all in all, the interior of the building was

pretty much a right-off.

“Fortunately no-one was injured as it happened at the end of a busy

Sunday shift,” said owner Matt Mason, “but the internal damage to the

restaurant was extensive. It was certainly an awful lot worse than it looked

from the outside, which pretty much remained unscathed.”

At that time, the Chelmsford branch was outperforming every other Masons

restaurant, so it was the last thing Matt foresaw.

Since then, a £250k refurb has taken place, allowing Masons Too the

opportunity to reproduce everything that proved so successful the first time

around and improve upon those areas where they have seen fit. For exam-

ple, an internal wall has now been completely demolished, so in future

there will be a brand new reception area plus dining beneath the stars in

the elegant conservatory.

“The whole feel of the place is going to be warmer, softer and cosier, with

some truly top end fixtures and fittings,” assures Matt.

Naturally there’ll be a brand new menu too.









H’hey readers,

this is two year old

Luke Barber and already

he’s reading The Edge, bless him.

Please keep these photo’s of your little un’s

coming in, alright, ’cos The Edge likes ’em a lot.

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:36 Page 18









Page 18 When attempting to catch something falling off a table, why do we always knock something else off as well?



Naked Ambition

So, we finally bit the bullet and got random strangers? Perhaps it's

ourselves a swish new kitchen. because I haven't been brought up

Granted, it's cost us a small fortune, in a particularly hippy environment:

but it really does look ‘the business’ we all tended to keep our clothes on

and, best of all, we can now fit more when I was growing up in our house.

than one person in it at a time. I Or maybe it's because that on the

must say, after all my moaning a most recent occasions I've visited a

couple of editions ago, about trades- swimming pool in Chelmsford, it’s

men, if you recall, I take it all back. always been as a guest at the ever

We found ourselves an absolute so plush Cannons, where I was

star in Leon Grant who contacted treated to the luxury of private show-



Time is Money... me through The Edge. He did all of

our plastering and tiling at the times

ers. Whatever the reason, it all felt a

wee bit alien to me as I wriggled



Busy doing Business... he said he would, at a reasonable

price, and with a

around in my towel as quickly as I

could and got the

smile on his face hell out of there

We understand this - which is why we offer too. So, I guess all pretty damn fast.

Busy Business People the choice of 'The Xpress of my moaning

Lunch Menu' - Delicious food and fast service, eventually paid off, I later berated

if you are pressed for time thanks to Leon and myself for being so

or The Edge. silly and childish

'The Business Lunch Special' - Delicious food and vowed that I

and fine wines with privacy; a business During the three would go again and

weeks of chaos it not worry about the

meeting over lunch... take as long as you like...

took to rip out our whole naked thing.

horrid old kitchen Only then I got chat-

and install the new ting to one of my

one, we got used to female suppliers at

living in a hovel and work and she hap-

somehow managed pened to mention

to cope pretty well the fact that she

by living off take- Cheryl Norton goes to exactly the

aways and eating out. In fact, we same swimming pool three times a

must have tried most places in week, in the mornings before work.

Chelmsford over the past three

weeks, much to the delight of The So maybe this really is the excuse

Boyfriend in particular. But I told that my lazy body needs, only I can't

him, "This can't continue!" in no really go back there now, can I? I

uncertain terms. As well as severely mean, the only thing worse than

Please mention your preferred option when damaging our wallets, we'd get fat being confronted by a load of naked

living off all those curries. strangers, prancing and preening

booking; Whichever you choose...With views over

about in my face, is the thought of

the village green, the restaurant is the perfect So, after all of this abject laziness, I seeing someone in the buff that I’ve

place for you to be 'Busy doing Business' contemplated a bit of exercise. As got to do some serious business

I’ve mentioned in previous issues, with later.

You are very welcome, Lunch service I'm not one for gyms, so I decided to

starts at 12 noon. try the swimming pool near to where Where did you say that swimming

I work in Central London. I liked the pool was again in London,

Tel: 01245 422432 fact that I could ‘pay-as-you-go’ Cheryl? Perhaps I could wear a

instead of the usual monthly small skirt and a wig and break into

www.grahamsonthegreen.com fortune that many places seem to those changing rooms because

charge these days. they sound grrreeeaaattt!

12-14 The Green, Writtle Chelmsford, Essex CM1 3DU However, on a more serious note,

On day one of my new regime, I got I always remember one time after

up earlier than usual and caught the a game of football against anoth-

6.25am train into London. Once I'd er school when I was about 12,

got over the trauma of being up so we all piled into the showers

early, I had a very pleasant swim before towelling off. Only this one

before work. But it was the getting lad, our goalkeeper, stood there

changed aftermath where it all start- really giving it ‘the big one’.

ed to go wrong. All of the showers I mean, he had one hand over his

were communal, and so were the shoulder and the other behind his

changing areas. Now, I realise that I hip and he was treating his back

probably sound like a bit of a prude, to a right diagonally good seeing

but I'm not particularly comfortable to, whilst his todger - I say todger,

with showing all of my bits and bobs but nay, for t’was a HAMPTON -

off to all and sundry. For heaven’s was swinging about like a buoy in

sake, these girls weren't just naked a bloody thunderstorm.

in the changing area, they were pos- Talk about overdeveloped for his

itively parading around, putting on bloody age!

their make-up, doing their hair, and So you see, Cheryl, perhaps

all completely starkers too! those ladies just feel as though

they’ve got something that’s

Is it just me, or does anyone else worth showing off? E.E.

have a bit of an issue in letting it all P.S. Next time take your camera

hang out in front of complete and and send The Edge the results.

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 26/03/2008 10:13 Page 19









How come there are no father-in-law jokes? Page 19









Yessss!

It might be month ago now and for most else and would feel distinctly uncom-

people already perhaps just a footnote fortable doing so. Much less would one

in history, but I hope you'll let an old man give another a full blown kiss on

man indulge his memories of a won- the cheek, as happened to me. And

derful day, writes Steve Ward. And, if I yes, CM, you really, really did. How

might also be permitted to say, a day on about the need to go out for a pee

which English football received a much every three minutes? Beer played its

needed shot in the arm. part, no doubt, but as DS will attest,

nerves are a particularly strong diuretic.

"One of life's better days" was the way

I described it with, I think, admirably Even an old fart like me, who usually

restrained understatement at work the gives a polite cheer and a clap of the

following day. Whereas, "Wheeeyy- hands, managed to get caught up in it

heeyy, what a feckin' great day" began all and was into a full blown singing,

my succinct email to The Edge Ed. flag waving and dancing mode. At my

Without doubt it was the second of age, I know I ought to be above all that,

these that most accurately reflected the but a feeling of such momentous pro-

feeling of about 60,000 Spurs fans at portions overrules any sense of propri-

Wembley for the Carling Cup Final on ety. As I said, these were my own per-

Sunday 24th February. sonal experiences, but the truth is that

similar scenes were being acted out by

It's an argument that's relatively easy to countless thousands of other people all

make that people who don't understand around me that afternoon, and nobody

the power of sport are missing out on gave a damn what they looked or

one of life's great experiences. It's also sounded like.

possible to make a case that the sup-

porters of Arsenal, Liverpool, So did I enjoy the match? Did I hell. It

Manchester United and, recently, was way too tense and nervy to count

Chelsea, have also lost a certain some- as enjoyment, but I just had to be there

thing. They expect to win things, and after all these years of failure. The real

most years, they do. Yet with each new satisfaction and fun comes afterwards,

triumph, the joy of it is diluted just a bit when you get home and can watch the

as a 'been-there-done-that' feeling tar- whole thing again via your Sky+ in total

nishes a little of the lustre of actually comfort, knowing there was going to be

being victorious. a happy ending.



Compare the poverty of emotion those If only the footballing gods would just

poor specimens have to endure (sport let me have some more afternoons like

haters and fans of Arsenal, that is) with that, I promise, I will not ever take them

the unbridled joy that filled the chest of for granted.

every Spurs fan on that wonderful win-

ters afternoon. Firstly, when Mr Cool, No, not ever, ever, ever. I promise.

Berby the Bulgarian, nonchalantly and

with a contempt for the goalkeeper that So go on then, justify that comment

almost beggared belief, tucked away about ‘a shot in the arm for English

the penalty that brought Spurs back football’? Easy. In the last 12 years,

onto level terms. Secondly, when, in only four teams have ever won the

extra time, new recruit and joint ‘man of Premiership. In that dozen years, the

the match’ Jonathan Woodgate some- F.A. Cup has also been won by one of

how bundled the ball into the net for those same four clubs. In recent sea-

what proved to be the winner. The third sons, even the League Cup has been

occasion, of course, was when the final claimed by one of ‘The Big Four’.

whistle sounded.

So why do the rest of us bother sup-

The feeling of belonging, togetherness porting any other team? You've got

and the sheer joy of being alive right absolutely no chance of ever seeing

there, right then, simply cannot be them win anything. Coming fifth in the

described with mere words. Well, I can't league and a few away-days to Europe

do it, anyway. On each of those three is about as good as it is ever likely to

occasions, the mass of jumping, get. Somehow it just doesn't seem right

screaming, hugging bodies that greet- that the most your team can aspire to is

ed the event proved to me yet again to be ‘best of the rest’.

that men reserve a very special and

unique behaviour for sporting events. Only now that cosy little cartel has been

broken, and broken in some style.

In order to protect the guilty, we'll use Maybe it really is a changing of the

initials rather than full names in these guard? It's way too early to say, but the

personal examples of the sort of behav- fact that both Everton and Aston Villa

iour I'm talking about. Straight men are pushing to break into the top four

hugging en masse is not something this year, along with this famous

you'd see anywhere except at a sport- Tottenham win, offers a sure sign that

ing event. We just don't do it anywhere maybe things are changing.

P.S. This season’s F.A. Cup results are just a freak.

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:36 Page 20









Page 20 Statistics say that 1-in-4 people suffer from some form of mental illness. So think of 3 of friends. Are they OK? Whoops!

the boss. Sometimes I even like to start to seem like one really long instead just sitting here, editing film

Robert feel that a little sworn threat on my

part has perhaps encouraged it to

day, simply because they're not

being broken up properly by regular

footage for hour after hour after....



Rutherford behave a little better. sleep. I'm sure everyone has been in a sit-

uation where they've decided to

For those of you who have paid me I had a busy week planned anyway, produce something to test their cre-

for PC repair work in the past, I but then, at very short notice, I got ative skills, whether it's an oil paint-

must make it clear that not only do I the opportunity to work as both ing, a great symphony, a film, or

wave my fists and shout at the Technical Director and Editor on a even attempting to knock together a

damn things, there’s also a fair bit of short comedy film called Facebook cabinet for the bathroom rather than

tinkering that goes on too. For Friends, written by stand up come- buying a flat-pack from B&Q. On

instance, if your computer was bro- dian and actor Jo Romero for the that score, naturally you would buy

ken when you dropped it off to me ‘TWO DAYS LAUGHTER’ short film enough wood, glue and screws to

and fixed when you picked it up, the competition. This will be judged by a fully recreate Noah's Arc, then set

chances are that I probably did panel of industry professionals later about hammering the would be

something useful to it in the interim this month. These include Brenda bathroom masterpiece together.

as well as simply shout and bawl. Blethyn, who won the Golden Only after twelve days of swearing,

rebuilding and strengthening the



“Weeks start to seem like damn thing, you end up running out

of both wood and glue and your per-

INSOMNIAC one really long day...” fect interpretation of a house for

your toothbrush ends up being

s an insomniac I often



A

strong enough to support the weight

choose to fill my non-sleep- Insomnia has both its plus and its Globe, BAFTA, and an Academy of a fully loaded small family hatch-

ing hours with all the work minus points, as well as being the Award nomination for her role in back and would probably be the

that I have to do. Firstly, I must inspiration for me to shout, but not Secrets & Lies, and the writer and only thing left intact amongst the

explain that I'm a mature student as too loud, at inanimate objects. On comedian Jon Holmes (Dead rubble should your house be

well as working from home on vari- the plus side, you can be remark- Ringers, Mock the Week). Part of destroyed by a falling meteor.

ous creative projects which include ably productive if you find it easy to the submission criteria was to film

digital art and graphics, web design, stay awake for and edit within Which is kind of where I’m at right at

film making and, of course, writing long periods a strict time this minute, and I presume my frus-

for The Edge magazine. The one at a time. I scale and that trations are starting to show (even in

constant that runs through all of have learned, limit fell within this article).

these activities is that they largely after years of what was

involve me sitting where I am cur- insomnia, that already a hec- What I’m trying to say is, once

rently sitting, right at this exact if you are tic week. With you've plunged your heart and soul

moment, as I’m writing this, in front going to be the self indul- into creating something, you feel a

of my computer screen. awake any- gent opportu- very strong attachment to it. It may

way, you nity of having not look quite as neat as the profes-

The reason I feel the need to might as well something I'd sionally designed bathroom cabinet

explain the type of work I do isn't for give in to it, made getting that you refuse to buy from B&Q,

any free publicity that The Edge can stay up all a chance to but what it lacks in traditional style it

offer (although do feel free to con- night and do appear in a more than makes up for by being

tact me about any of the above something special show- superior in strength and simply

services at any time of day, night, useful. But on ing on a big being something that you personal-

middle of the night etc.) but the negative screen, it was ly have created.

because I currently live in a shared side, after a impossible to

house. That said, if my profession complete lack say no, even if That’s what the film is to me. It will

were that of a lion tamer, or a drum- of sleep for an it meant not never make me any money, or

mer in a marching band, it would extended period, it can seem as sleeping for a whole week. make me famous in any way, but at

obviously be somewhat more dis- though you stand of the verge of least I’ll have the satisfaction of

ruptive to the other residents for me insanity as your mind feels that it is But I'm not going to write too much knowing that I’ve done my best, and

to be cracking whips at large cats or no longer connected to your body about my film project in this article, therefore the cost of forgoing sleep

marching-to-a-beat in my room at via the traditional mental/physical because last time I made a short and normal life for a week will all be

4.00am. As it is, the only audible subconscious link. That gets film and dared to write about it in worthwhile in the end.

sounds emitted from my current replaced by the need to specifically The Edge, it sparked Mr. Edge to

work activities are my less than concentrate on coaching your limbs voice his own slightly naïve and Thing is, when you're doing some-

gentle key strokes and the occa- through each and every task you poorly phrased verdict. OK, so he thing that is your passion, it really

sional profanity when my computer would expect them to perform natu- didn't like my last one. In fact, he doesn't feel like work. But when I

decides to toy with me. rally, the ease of which you would summed it up in two words by had a regular office job a couple of

normally simply take for granted. declaring, "It's shit!" - hence my bid years ago, which I absolutely hated,

It bemuses me that despite being to belittle his opinion in the last sen- a 40 hour week seemed to drag on

able to describe in some detail the Most people experience insomnia at tence. However, there is a fighting and on forever, with each daily 8

inner workings of my PC, not to some point in their lives, whether it's chance that this one may just meet hour segment painfully lasting a life-

mention some further knowledge of through stress, having a baby, or by Mr. Edge's approval, particularly as time. But these days, I often work

it's operating system and of the pro- taking constant coffee breaks at the it's comedy/drama rather than sci- three times the number of hours I

gramming required for the software office in order to avoid doing any ence fiction. (By the way, Mr. Edge's used to work in any given week, yet

and hardware to function at all, I still real work. Even people who are two word review of Star Trek also I’m doing all of the things that I love,

resort to threatening and shouting able to sleep really easily (lucky happens to be "It's Shit” too, so I which makes the hours just fly by.

at the monitor when things go bastards) are sometimes affected - haven’t been too disheartened by

wrong. I know that my PC cannot for instance, if you travel to a differ- his comments.) Just so’s you know, readers,

hear me and that if it could, it would- ent time zone and have cause to Rob’s column eventually reached

n't be able to interpret my words - adjust your body clock - so I'm fairly The addition of film making into my The Edge at 5:00am the morning

even if it could (interpret them) it sure quite a lot of you reading this already busy schedule has meant after deadline day, not forgetting

probably wouldn't give a shit any- will be able to relate to the surreali- that, following the past seven days, an email timed at two hours prior

way - but for some reason, I do gen- ty of how the world can sometimes I don't even want to consider the which suggested he was ‘having

uinely always feel better when I've feel when you've been awake for an very few hours sleep I've had, nor difficulties’. As if Rob expected

told it in no uncertain terms who's unnatural amount of time. Weeks the nights I've skipped sleep totally, me to be an insomniac too? Not.

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 26/03/2008 10:13 Page 21









I had amnesia once...or twice. Page 21





This is NOT Glynn Roberts

Last month in The Edge, I published the photograph (below) as one of those

Background People snaps and suggested that the fellow (front left) was

Glynn Roberts, one of the sporting directors of Chelmsford Boot Camp.









tales along the Riverbank...









The ‘bloke with the chin’ (front left) is NOT Glynn Roberts of

Paper mill Lock

local Chelmsford Boot Camp fame, OK?

You’ll always get a warm welcome to Paper Mill Lock.

As it happens, it isn’t, wasn’t, never has been, never will be.

Naturally, I knew that full well, but because there’s an ever-so-feint resem- Our Old Stable Tea Rooms are currently open seven-days-a-week,

blance around the eyes, I just thought I’d say it was Glynn and lie through serving hot soup, hot chocolate, jacket spuds, freshly made sandwiches,

the hole in my arse - as I sometimes do - as an innocuous bit of fun. Ploughman’s Lunches and real home-made cakes & cream tea’s.

Or so I thought. OPEN MONDAY - FRIDAY 10:00AM - 3:00PM

For Christ’s sake, just look at the guy’s frigging chin (above). He looks more

like Eric bloody Stoltz who played the lead roll of ‘Rocky’ Dennis in the SATURDAY & SUNDAY 10:00AM - 4:00PM

movie Mask (you remember him and his on-screen mum, Cher, surely?) Canadian Canoes available for hire.

But in some peoples eyes, that didn’t seem to matter one iota. River Chelmer boat trips on our 12-seater open-sided ‘Caffel’ and our

“That could be bad for business, could that, Glynn,” some of you whispered, ‘Victoria Barge’ (available for private hire inc. birthday parties,

whilst still other charlatans advised, “Sue The Edge!”

Sue The Edge for what? weddings, anniversaries etc.) also now available.

Jesus H.Christ on a bike, it was simply meant to be a bit of a laugh and a BOOK NOW for Spring/Summer trips.

giggle and the fact that a bloke in the background is sucking on a girl’s right

tit is, quite frankly, neither here nor there. North Hill, Little Baddow. Tel: 01245 22 55 20

Had there been an elephant, or a hot dog stall, or a flaming nuclear

weapons plant in the background, the pho-

tograph would still have appeared because

the joke part of it I had anticipated was

Glynn spotting it, ringing me up and calling

me a “right cheeky basket” for suggesting

the poor fellow looked like him.

But before he could do that, dear oh dear,

the chattering classes (and don’t you like to

chatter over absolutely nothing at all?) had

to have their say, didn’t they? And you all

seemingly put two and two together, got

your sums hideously wrong, came up with

five and The Edge was somehow both

being disrespectful to Glynn (just the oppo- However, this is Glynn

site, in fact) and trying to harm his business, Roberts, telling me

which I know as well as anyone he is so ‘where to get off’ when I

extremely passionate about. turned up for Camp after

Do you want to know what I think? last months issues had

Shame on you. hit-the-streets!

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:40 Page 22









Page 22 All I ask is for a chance to prove, once and for all, that ‘money won’t make me happy’.









ONLY

eagerly, immediately whipping out his still flushed house?"

Arch Bishop's hat-shaped love-length from Her husband responded, "That's for us to know

beneath his equally purple robe as quick as you and for her to find out."

could say Roman Catholic. His wife replied, "You're right, honey. I guess I'm

"Oh father," sighed the sister, blushing yet again. starting to believe all of those 'dumb blonde

Then she uttered the words that the father had jokes' that have been floating around of late."









JOKING!

been longing to hear: "May I touch it?" But just a couple of hours later, the blonde

The priest began nodding his head like one of knocks on the door and asks for her money.

those dogs on the parcel shelf of a car whilst trav- "What?" says the man. "You're finished already?"

elling down a cobbled street at 50mph. After a "Sure," says the blonde. "I even gave it a couple

few delightful minutes, the father was indeed of coats."

sporting the hugest erection of truly sinful propor- Impressed, the man reached into his wallet and

tions. pulled out $50 which he handed to the blonde.

"Sister, oh sister," he croaked, "you know that if I "By the way," she added at the garden gate, "it's

Churchill insert my penis in the right place, it can produce not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

A history teacher asks a class full of kids, "What life?"

was Churchill famous for?" The sister jumped to her feet and beamed, "Oh Thick Cut

A black kid at the back shouts, "He was the last father, father. That is good news. Quick, stick it in

A man’s wife came home from the supermarket

the camel and let's get the out of here."

white man to be called Winston." **** and said to her idle swine of a husband, “I

thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today,

Two Wong's Tourettes Syndrome but it said Thick Cut.”

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. I parked in a disabled parking space the other

The next year, the Wong's have a baby and the day and a traffic warden immediately shouted at Big Game Hunter

nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy - me, "Oy, what's your disability then?"

The big game hunter walked into the bar and

I shouted back, "Tourettes, you f ing !”

although most definitely Caucasian - baby boy. *** **** started bragging (like big game hunters do) to all

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new par- and sundry about his hunting skills. The man was

ents. "Well, Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Crazy Old Fart undoubtedly a good shot and no one would dis-

Wong be naming the baby?" His examination concluded, a doctor said to the pute that. Then he said that they could blindfold

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and patient, "You appear to be in extremely good him and he would still be able to recognise any

says, "Two Wong's don't make a white, so I think health. Do you have any medical concerns?" animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate

we will name this child Sum Ting Wong." "As a matter of fact, I do," replied the old man. the bullet hole, he would even know what calibre

"After I have sex, I am usually all hot and sweaty, of bullet had killed the animal. The hunter said

Mother-in-Law Joke but after I have sex again, I am usually cold and that he was willing to prove this if they would put

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? chilly." up his drinks until he got one wrong. So the bet

About 2.3 pounds, including the urn. The doctor began to ponder this as he sent the was on.

old man back into the waiting room and asked They blindfolded the big game hunter carefully

him to send his wife in. Examining the elderly and offered him his first skin.

The Nun & The Priest lady, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears After feeling it for a few moments, he announced,

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara to be in fine working order, particularly your "Bear." Then he felt for the bullet hole and

Desert on a camel, but on the third day the long plumbing. But tell me, do you have any medical declared, "Shot with a 308 rifle."

necked humped one suddenly dropped dead concerns?" And by jove, the big game hunter was right.

without warning. "None whatsoever," replied the old lady. Then they brought him another skin from some-

After dusting themselves down, the nun and the "That's strange," said the doctor, "because your one's trunk. The big G.H. took a bit longer over

priest surveyed the situation. husband just told me that he is usually hot and this one before announcing, "Elk. Shot with a

After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. sweaty after having sex with you the first time, 7mm mag rifle."

"Well, sister," he said, "things look pretty grim, to then cold and chilly after the second time. Have And wouldn't you know it, he was right yet again.

be sure." you any idea why?" Throughout the night, the big G.H. continually

"I know, father," agreed the nun. "In fact, I don't "Oh, the crazy old fart," laughed the old lady. "It's proved his skills time after time, and every time

think it’s likely we can survive much more than a because the first time is generally around June he guessed one right, he would get plied with

day or two at the most." and the second time not until December." drinks until he eventually staggered home pissed

"I agree," said the father. Then he paused awk- out of his mind.

wardly before saying, “Sister, since we are Next morning, he had a mouth like a badgers

unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you

Hooker

arse, so he got up, drank some water and

kindly allow me a favour?" On her wedding night, a bride says to her hus-

checked himself out in the bathroom mirror. He

"Anything, father," said the sister readily. band, "I must confess that I used to be a hooker."

noticed that he was sporting one huge black eye.

"Well," said the father, "I have never seen a "That's alright," says her husband, "your past is

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night,

woman's breasts before and I was wondering if I your past. However, I must admit to finding such

but not drunk enough to get into a fight and not

might have a peek at yours?" news more than a little erotic. Please, tell me

remember it. So where the hell did this black eye

The sister blushed but considered the father's about it whilst I massage my groin."

come from?"

proposition for a moment before announcing, "Well," replied his wife in a seductive tone, "my

His wife replied angrily, "I gave it to you, you

"Very well, father. Under the circumstances, I name was Nigel and I played for Wigan."

filthy, drunken heathen. You jumped into bed,

don't see that it would be wholly inappropriate." started fiddling about with my nightgown, then

So the nun opened up her habit and the priest Dumb Blonde Joke put your dirty hands all over my parts before

feasted his eyes on the sight of her two shapely A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, yelling, "Skunk…..killed by an axe."

breasts, commenting enthusiastically about both decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman, so

their weight and fullness. started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neigh-

Still not satisfied, the father said, "Sister, I do not

Sewing Scissors

bourhood.

mean to put upon you, but would you mind if I When our lawn mower broke down, the wife kept

She went to the front door of the first house on

touched them?" on at me to get it fixed, but I always seemed to

the street and asked the owner if he had any odd

The sister blushed crimson, but consented so have something more important to do, such as

jobs he’d like doing.

that the father was able to fondle her dirty pillows watching TV, mucking around on the internet

"Well, I guess I could use someone to paint my

for several minutes like only high priests can. etc., until one day I came home and found her

porch," he said. "How much would you charge?"

Once he was satisfied, the sister said, "Father, down on her hands and knees, cutting the grass

The blonde scratched her blonde head for a

may I now ask a favour of you?" of our front lawn with a pair of sewing scissors.

moment and said, "How about $50?"

'Wait for it…wait for it,' thought the father to him- I watched her for a while before entering the

"Swell," said the man and told her that the paint

self, trying desperately to conceal his glee. house and returning with a toothbrush which I

and everything else she would need were in the

"Certainly, sister," he said. "Ask away." handed to her.

garage.

"Well, I have never seen a man's penis before," “What’s this for?” she asked.

Upon hearing of the transaction, the man's wife

the sister admitted, "and I was wondering “Well, you might as well sweep the drive while

said to her husband, "Does the poor girl realise

whether I could possibly have a look at yours?" you’re at it,” I told her.

that our porch goes right the way around the

"No problem whatsoever," agreed the father SHAUN@THEEDGEMAG.CO.UK

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:46 Page 23









How come Superman can stop bullets with his chest, yet ducks if you chuck a can of beans at him? Page 23





White Van Man Ali’s Taxi’s

You can't open the ’paper without reading about

some kind of misery, death or destruction these days,

whether it be the war on terror, a schoolyard mas-

else on the road. I wouldn't say that I’m the best driv-

er in the world though, as the wife often screams at

me to stop driving with my stomach while using both

464646

sacre or Steps reforming to produce a West End hands to load a CD. As VanMan though, I had both

musical of their life story. If only Superman were still the confidence and the control: I was like the Mad

around, he'd save us from the dastardly Taliban, psy- Max of the A12 minus the bondage gear. The van

chotic teenagers and Lisa Scott-Lee. seemed to give me special powers; I was no longer inc. 8 seater mini-buses

the weak observer. I became a super hero and all I Airport Trips

It only seems like yesterday that Superman finally had to do was test my new skills in a place where the Corporate Accounts Welcome

threw his blue leotard into a Cancer Research innocent are always being oppressed: at the local

clothes collection bag; it's all that plumber's merchants. I wanted

blind bint Lois Lane's fault. Word- The World of Jeff Wright some drain fittings to prevent one ‘cock corner’

on-the-street is that the man in the of the leaks in our new abode Each month The

red underpants took her to Que and I wasn't going to take any Edge features a

Pasa to propose, but she had too sarcasm or back chat for my kind of ‘Cock of

much red wine and started slag- troubles either. the Month’ and

ging off Clarke Kent. Witnesses this month it’s

said she referred to him as a "four- As I entered, you could have cut

Gertrude from a free

eyed toady gob-shite". Such a bit- the atmosphere with a Stanley

range paddock in Great

ing betrayal from his rather stupid Knife. The four guys behind the

Baddow (see below). Can you

loved one crushed the man of counter were all unsavoury look-

steel and as a direct result he ing types. They looked me up good readers nominate a

threw his super hero life away in and down and could smell that I proper ‘Cock of the Month’?

favour of selling window cleaning was a lily-livered new home

products out of the back of a Ford owner with no idea what I actual-

Transit van. The last anyone heard of him was a ly required. So with a sneer on his face and a ciga-

quote published in 'International Squeegee', the cor- rette stuck to his bottom lip, one of the gang asked

porate magazine for window cleaners. Salesman me what the hell I wanted. I replied, "I want a tele-

Kent Clarke remarked, "Saving bored housewives scopic P-trap flexible waste and I want them in

from the misery of ineffectual window cleaning prod- 40mm." The fella sneered a la spaghetti western,

ucts has been more satisfying and life affirming than "We've only go them in inch and a half and there's no

saving the world from Nuclear Man, General Zod and such thing as a flexible waste, you berk."

even Robert Vaughn's piss poor acting." So with the

super one out of the picture, it's time someone Game on!

stepped up to the plate and took his place.

The first two henchmen/assistants attacked from the Please send your entries for

In an attempt to become a roving reporter for The side, so I took them out with a round house kick and

‘cock corner’ to

Edge, I took it upon myself to search for a hero to a couple of karate chops to the bowels. Number three

replace the kiss-curled do-gooder. After a year of came at me with a basin spanner, but it bounced off shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

research, my best bet was a mysterious local figure my head and rebounded in his face, which just left

known simply as 'The Gardener'. Similar to Dr Bruce me and the original gringo to fight it out Kendo-style

Banner, this enigma seems to drift from town to town, with some copper piping. I was about to receive a Recruitment

armed with a wheel barrow full of self sacrifice and a blow to the groin that would have been protected by

very small trowel, saving people's gardens from his my VanMan cod-piece when one of the henchmen SOLUTIONS

arch nemeses: The Drunkies. This violent race of hollered, “Stop! He's got a van parked outside.” So

wobbly humanoids have caused the kind of destruc- they all put down their weapons and spoke in unison to

tion to garden plants on North Springfield estates that in an exasperated tone: “Why didn't you flaming well

even Freddy Krueger claimed: "Is bang out of order" say, mate? We thought you were just a DIY-er. We've Recruitment

(Michael Myers was unavailable for comment). got all of the bits you want. In fact, we'll even throw in

Unfortunately for Chelmsford residents, this icon of some PTFE.” So I duly collected my reward and was PROBLEMS

the garden centres has finally drifted away to pas- just about to leave when I turned and said, “By the

tures new, but that didn't stop your local Lois Lane way, don't you realise there's a smoking ban? I'd put Do you need temporary or

avec ‘love plums’ from following him to Witham where those cigarettes out, if I were you.” To which they

he seems to have retired. While camping out up here, complied straight away as I rode off into the sunset. permanent staff?

I must admit that I've grown quite fond of the place.



.

Knowing that an ex-superhero, who's also a dab Oh yes, I am an all-new breed of action hero; the mil- I.T. & Executive Search

hand with a garden fork, is close by makes me feel a itary just need to find out all the ‘axis of evil’ that work

helluva lot safer than in Chelmsford. In fact, it wasn't in industrial sales outlets and leave me to thwart their

.

.

I.T. Engineers & Network Support

Software & Web Developers



.

long before I managed to persuade the wife to come dastardly plans.

and join me. Business Analysis & Project Management

Senior I.T. Management

Our house move was not a particularly enjoyable



. .

experience, especially since it started raining in my Commercial Recruitment



. .

kitchen when I took a shower. I suppose the only con-

Accounts Managerial



. .

solation is that, like Superman, I had the pleasure of

Admin Marketing



. .

driving a Transit van for three days. I can now tick this

off my list of achievements, along with bungee jump- HR Project Managers

ing, doing a wheelie on my BMX bike and being

involved in an orgy (they let me clean up afterwards). . Insurance

Legal . Sales

Secretarial



Van driving is brilliant! It must be something to do with Call Jackie today!

being that high up, having the rear-end filled with

9a Railway Street, Chelmsford. Tel: 0800 695 6005

wood (insert Kenneth Williams' double entendre

reaction noise there) and that diesel engine sound Jeff Wright www.hartglobal.co.uk



that makes you not give a shit about anyone/thing in his underpants.

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:47 Page 24









Page 24 What’s a ‘free gift’? I thought all gifts were free?

holes assaulted. USA visitors that are going to bought from us, so you know who to









YOUR

If ever there was a glowing advert descend upon me over the next contact if you want any more!

for the wonders of National Service, couple of years? Help! Hope you managed to get your

forced contraception and, probably, Tolerance. Brits have come a long wellington boots back to their former









&

genocide, it's the scuttling vermin way since I left. You’ve still a way to pristine condition after your visit.

throwing up outside my office right go, but interestingly I see that the Regards,

this minute. British obsession with having to Pauline Robb,



letters Yours in disgust,

Kingpin.

Say what you see, Kingpin, say

despise a group or culture has not

changed, it’s just moved on from

Asians to Eastern Europeans. This

New Barn Farm,

West Hanningfield.

Yes, I did, thank you very much,

what you see, lad. was my biggest fear in bringing my Pauline, and I am pleased as



e-m@ils Ex-Pat Returns

To Chelmsford

children over here, as having come

from a true environment of toler-

ance and multiculturalism, I wasn't

punch that some families have

already been to visit your farm as

a result of last months right rivet-

at all sure what to expect. So I have ing article, as I was a bit con-

Dear Shaun/Edge Bloke/husband of been pleasantly surprised that my cerned that all of my ‘toilet talk’

my best mate, old ‘red neck town’ has grown up might put them off what turned

So here I am, back in the UK for two somewhat. out to be a really educational visit

years on a work assignment, and so Best of all, I get to reconnect with all for me and ‘The Long One’, albeit

the ever thoughtful Mrs. Edge hand- of my family and my old high school extremely muddy.

ed me a copy of your latest edition friends.

to accompany me on one of my So Shaun, Mrs. Edge and I will cer- The Edge Works

recent trips abroad for work. tainly be seeing each other a lot

Shaun,

In the short time since my feet have more frequently than in the past 12

Sorry mate, I f

touched the ground, it’s nice to see years, even though I suspect you'll *** ed up and didn't

post you a cheque yesterday. I was

how The Edge has progressed be seeing her a lot less. But you

in London and completely forgot

since I first received a copy in won't mind that, will you?

about it. I’ll do it today. Sorry.

Canada 11 years ago. Anita (Banerjee-Nag) xxx

I have also run one advert in beep!

So hey, I thought I’d share with you Markham, Canada

and it’s so bloody expensive. I’m

just how weird it feels to be back in (now Brentwood).

going to give them one more go, but

the town I grew up in. Aside of the

I haven't had any calls as yet, or any

horrific traffic congestion (the M25 is





to theedge!

*** people book online from their mag,

simply a disaster zone) and the

where as from The Edge I have

astronomical price of petrol, I can

already covered my advertising

honestly say that Chelmsford has

costs and then some.

changed very little in the past 20

I don't suppose you know a maga-

years since I left. However, I'm still

CHELMSFORD, CM2 6XD. trying to figure out whether that's a

Mrs. Edge & Anita

in the back of a

zine similar to yours that covers

Brentwood and/or Basildon, do you

good thing, or not so good? Here

shaun@theedge.uk.com are the things I've noticed;

New York cab (and please don't say beep!)?

Cheers,

Service is still appaling. You might be best mates and all,

Vermin Everywhere. And I know you’re Anita, but I expect my bloody tea

Wishes to remain anonymous.

Dear Edge Editor, P.S. Yes, go ahead with my advert

going to tell me I'm a spoilt to be on the table at the appoint-

It's Friday 7th March and I've just again in April. And by the way, my

Canadian where everyone greets ed hour, so don’t you think you

had to fight my way into the office mate also advertised in beep! and

you and says thanks. But hey, it’s can come marching over here

past legions of disgusting oiks he has also had no calls or e-mails

such a small gesture, but I genuine- and start sticking your oar in!

queuing up for V tickets. received from them either.

ly do miss it. Furthermore, you obviously

The filth and mess on the pave- The above is a genuine email

Meanwhile, the weather remains a haven’t eaten at that French

ments outside beggars belief and received by The Edge. You know

British obsession and it’s been toler- restaurant that The Edge has

there are empty beer bottles, fast that I am a ‘straight-up’ guy, read-

able since my return. I was actually heard good reviews about on

food wrappers and, oh yes, puddles ers, and no, the chap who sent it

dreading the rain, although admit- New London Road (next to the

of vomit liberally strewn every- isn’t really ‘a mate’ (we’ve never

tedly, since touching down at closed down Alders site), have

where. even met), it’s simply what you

Heathrow, in my 4 weeks, two have you? Nor at Cosmopolitan in

A charming group of young girls are call someone when you’re being

been spent in India and one in Broomfield Road either, I strong-

sitting right next to an empty bin and friendly, is all.

Germany, although the sun does ly suspect, run by 100% Italian

throwing all of their rubbish onto the I never ‘go on’ about how good

actually appear to have been smil- stallion Franco Rusciani.

floor. These are doubtless the sort The Edge is, or how much

ing on me most days, so I can’t real-

of slappers who'll be staggering response advertisers are likely to

ly complain. Trotters Update

around Hylands Park come the fes- achieve, simply because it is

Food? Wow, what a change in what

tival, dropping their knickers and Hi Shaun, something that is often very hard

you can buy at the local supermar-

flinging their fetid mimsy at the first Many thanks for the article/s you did to actually quantify.

ket, although I have been disap-

pierced peasant who offers them a on us in the March Edge. All I know is that The Edge does

pointed to discover that Tesco don't

Lambrini. Trevor is really pleased as he now work.

carry Sambel Olek (in case anyone

Who said Britain's youth had prob- thinks that he’s a page 3 pin-up, And why does it work?

from Tesco reads this, I checked the

lems, eh? although I think that the piglet was It works simply because I bloody

spelling and ‘Olek’ is spelt with a ‘K’,

These scum should be ashamed of the star. He can't wait for this well work.

as opposed to an ‘X’).

themselves, and so should those month's issue to go on the internet But in all honesty, hard work on

On the flip side, Chelmsford still has

idiots from BBC Essex and Essex so that he can send the link to its own is never enough in any

a tragically limited choice of dining

FM who are out there, playing up to everyone in his address book - and game. The key to it all, the way I

options, unless you're looking for

the crowd, and reporting on how I do mean everyone. see it, is that your original idea

Indian food. Where are the all the

marvellous the whole affair is, rather We have already had two families must be a sound one and, for

Chinese Szechwan, Dim Sum and

than letting their listeners know come to visit our farm after reading want of a better word, original.

Congee restaurants? And what

what dirty, slovenly ingrates this about it in The Edge, so fingers You must know as well as I know

about some decent Malaysian,

shower of shite really are. crossed we will attract many more. that magazines the likes of beep!

Vietnamese and Thai restaurants?

I've never been a festival goer I have only heard one voice of com- are ten-a-penny. They might earn

The last time I checked, the UK was

myself, and that lot outside are part plaint, and that was from the cattle a not inconsiderable amount of

pretty close to Europe, yet where’s

of the reason why. There's no way who think that they have been neg- revenue from their advertisers,

a decent authentic Italian or French

on this earth you'll find The Kingpin lected, even though they did pose but at the end of the day, they

restaurant to be found in a town but

spending over £100 just to stand in for some pictures taken by your simply fail to satisfy the reader.

30 miles outside London? And how

a field surrounded by hideous little ‘lengthy sidekick’. And then there’s The Edge. Little

am I going to explain this sad reali-

proles all day long, having his lug We are also really glad you enjoyed as it may be, it manages to punch

ty to the hoards of Canadian and

the chops and sausages that you way above its weight.

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:47 Page 25









A good thing about egotists is that they never talk about other people. Page 25









Bamboo

The Old Station Master’s Building,

Duke Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1HT.

01245 344381

chelmsfordbamboo@aol.com









‘A civilised bar

for civilised people.’

Background People

This one’s a good one because The Edge genuinely doesn’t think the girls

giving it the ‘big cheese’ know that some lazy get behind them has suddenly

whipped his tiger prawn out and is busy making with the greeny-yellow Wines, Spirits & Beers

washing up water. What’s more, it has to be noted that the guy in the truly

awful cerise jacket who appears to be the intended target of the urinary

stream is remaining remarkably cool and steadfast about the matter. Tea & Coffee

In fact, The Edge would even go so far to say that this is quite a stylish piss.

It’s the nonchalance with which the guy has tackled the situation that is so

impressive. It also seriously doesn’t look as though he’s paused for one Free Wireless Internet

moment in the right riveting tale he appears to be telling his mates.

Yes, of course there would be portaloos around, but he’s obviously in the

middle of a field somewhere and simply cannot be arsed to go and use one.

So yes, there’s a certain style and swagger to this photograph, because it’s Open 12 noon ’til late

not as if he’s doing it up a wall out the back of Marks & Spencer, is it? Yet

this is the sort of thing that goes on all over Hylands Park when the V fes-

tival’s there, only the people in question aren’t so well turned out. Monday to Saturday

The Edge reckons this is called a ‘posh wee’.

Send your ‘Outside Business’ photographs to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk









WATE R F RO N T P L A C E

a restaurant of two halves









g{xÜx |á ÇÉ ÄÉäx á|ÇvxÜxÜ à{tÇ à{x ÄÉäx Éy yÉÉw George Bernard Shaw





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menu will give you a first class intimate dining experience in a Brasserie is the place to visit. Our fantastic menu combined

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lous full A la Carte Menu or our selected menu (Tues-Thurs) at and evening meals. Sunday Lunch - £9 one course, £14 two

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www.waterfront-place.co.uk Tel 01245 252 000 Waterfront Place,Wharf Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM2 6LU

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:47 Page 26









Page 26 Ian King has one ‘plum’ bigger than the other; fact.





THIS MONTH I HAVE

his month I have mainly been won- being a really cool war. It was bigger, loud-



T dering just why so many of us seem

to like a good old war. I'm talking

er and far more in-your-face than the pre-

vious one. We had more smart bombs and





MAINLY BEEN...

about human-kind in general here, and not laser guided gizmos than ever before, and

just the English, though, to be fair, we this time we weren't going to just tell

English do seem to really like a nice bit of Saddam he was a naughty boy and go

war, and we're pretty good at it too. cer- ing bird. home either. This time we were deter-

We've been doing it for years, after all, and ***

In the Kingpin scale of mined to pull down statues of him and all

tifiable, frothing madman

always given a good account of ourselves. to boot. zero-to-brilliant, the Viet- sorts of stuff, for this was real war.

OK, so the English Empire idea might Not only that, but they nam war has to come a Once again though, there’s the War and

have been a bit cheeky and caused the had the whole ‘evil cloth- close second. That ticked Hollywood connection, as this bigger, bet-

odd bit of global suffering, poverty, starva- ing’ thing down to a tee all the right boxes on the ter sequel seemed to fall a little bit flat

tion, slavery and murder, but I reckon we as well, so they even list and also spawned once the fat lady started singing. I never

kind of redeemed ourselves in world War looked like the bad guys. some brilliant war films, thought I could actually get apathetic

II with the whole ‘standing firm against How could we go wrong not least of which is about war, but the constant media satura-

tyranny’ thing we had going on. with this one? I always Rambo: First Blood, star- tion soon had me glazing over. I think Iraq

To be honest, I think we should have been felt that if wars were ring the mighty Sly 2 will go down in history as the ‘Star-Wars:

given extra credit for ‘standing firm against judged solely on style, Stallone. Now some of The Phantom Menace’ turkey of wars.

tyranny’ with a straight face as well, espe- then the Third Reich you might not know this, That's another thing that made Iraq 2 a bit

cially considering we'd spent the last cou- should have won hands but Rambo: First Blood crap, the quality of the main protagonists.

ple of hundred years subjugating any cul- down. Half of the stuff the was actually based on an Saddam did OK as the megalomanical

ture we could get our hands on. We are SS used to wear is still in anti-war novel by a guy and murderous despot, but who did we

English though, so I'm pretty sure our own have? Bloody George W. Bush and Tony

attempt at global domination was done

fashion even now. Well, writes Kingpin called David Morell. It bleedin’ Blair, arguably two of the biggest

at least those long, dealt with the theme that

very politely, and I'm sure all those funny leather coats are de riguer if you're going you can't take a young man, train him to fuckwits in history. How the hell can you

little tribesmen got a nice cup of tea with to shoot half your school in Arkansaw, or be a merciless killer, throw him into a take either of those idiots seriously? We

the vicar before we stole their children. somewhere. maelstrom of constant terror and death for really need a third member of that little

Perhaps that was Hitler's fatal mistake? Being led by a gibbering madman obvi- a few years, and then expect him to come group so we could have at least drawn

Too many screaming speeches and not ously had it's good and bad points for the home and live a normal life. comparisons to Curly, Larry and Moe.

enough crumpets and cake? I'm sure if Nazis. Say what you like about Hitler and While it's true that the 2nd and 3rd install- Now, of course, the whole thing is a bit of

he'd just asked nicely if it was OK to his regrettable penchant for genocide, he ments in the Rambo franchise were sheer an embarrassment and we'd all just rather

invade Poland and annex half of Eastern was still a master orator and a man of and utter Reagan-era-bullshit, I stand by forget about it. The same thing goes for

Europe, well, we wouldn't have had such a many ideas. What's more, he wasn't about my view that First Blood is a truly amazing this whole Afghanistan thing. I mean, let's

problem with it. But oh no, naughty Adolf to let silly little things like, say, reason or flick and the only justification for the face it, I'd hazard a guess that at least

just piled in there without so much as a by- the laws of physics get in the way of one Vietnam war we will ever need. 50% of us don't know where the bloody

your-leave. Tut. of his really cool plans. As an aside, you may also be wondering place is, let alone what we're doing fight-

And as for the whole Holocaust thing, well, That's another reason Hitler made WWII why you haven't been able to watch the ing a war against men with long beards

that's just plain rude, isn't it? so very good: the man just loved a good latest in the series, the simply named and bedsheets out there.

But anyway, as I was saying, for all of our old Doomsday device. I swear to God, Rambo at your local Odeon cinema? That I think the Afghan conflict illustrates the

protests and the money we’ve donated to Hitler's right hand man wasn't Goerring or is because Odeon cinemas, the corpse- point I’m trying to make rather well. Look

Princess Yo-Yo knickers land-mine chari- Goebbels, but Wil. E. Coyote. Half of the raping shylock swine that they are, at the nation's new little darling, Prince

ties, the fact is that we do love a good war Nazi's schemes in WWII are one step shy demanded more money from Sony to Harry. For years he's been the target of

and, let's face it, what's not to love? of strapping ‘Acme rocket skates’ to their show Rambo, and Sony told them to go much finger-wagging and royal-baiting

Any half decent war will give us: feet, for Christ's sake. blow some goats. And rightly so. condemnation for his constant partying.

1. A spiffy uniform. Obviously I'm not saying this in a dis- So thank you, Odeon, I'm glad you, the OK, so he made a tit of himself now and

2. Shiny tanks and ’planes. paraging way. The more lunatic in scale company whose sole purpose is to enable again, but why was everyone so down on

3. Guns. the plan, the more I like it, and believe me, the public to watch films, are now deciding the ginger lad for that? He wasn't hurting

4. The chance to kill people and not worry WWII had some corkers. One of my which films you'll let us watch, based on anybody, was he?

about those irritating jail sentences. favourites was the Nazis plan for a ‘Sun how much money you can squeeze out of ’Course, now we all love him. Why's that?

5. Tales of personal heroism. Gun’. Basically, they wanted to put a huge Hollywood's scabrous tits. I'm so glad Because he's been out fighting a war, of

6. Miraculous tales of survival. mirror in space and then use the sun's you're forcing me to either travel 20 miles course. So remember, kids: people will

7. Heart-wrenching tales of personal loss. rays as a giant laser beam to wipe the to watch a movie I want to see, or to go always look down their noses at you when

8. More Guns. pesky Allies out once and for all, like kids against all those preaching adverts you you've drunk one too many alcopops, so if

9. Cunning inventions and gadgets that do to ant nests with a magnifying glass. insist on showing us about video piracy you really want people to look up to you,

advance the cause of medicine and save Obviously there are some huge logistical and download the thing myself. then you need to call in an air-strike or

countless lives. issues with putting around 1 million tonnes Rest assured, dear Odeon, that if I do chase off some Muslims with a 50 calibre

10. Cunning inventions and gadgets that of metallic sodium into the earth's atmos- download the film, I'll make certain that I machine gun.

advance the cause of mass murder and let phere, not least the fact that it would be try and emulate the whole Odeon experi- Don't get me wrong, I'm loving a bit of

us kill even more people at one time. even impossible now, let alone in 1940. ence by charging myself £8 for a ticket ‘Harry: First Blood’ as much as the next

11. Great big huge f man, but then again, I always liked him

*** off guns.

12. Liberal helpings of villainy with a side

It’s the sort of thing that a James Bond film and a further £75 for a watered down

anyway. Neither am I in any way against

would shy away from for being far too Pepsi and a packet of Revels. Then I'll

order of (you guessed it) guns. mental, but not Adolf. That's m’boy. make sure that I spend at least half an what our soldiers are doing. Like I said,

13. Giant transforming robots and/or huge To be fair though, it wasn't just our hour solely watching adverts before the they're doing a really hard job very well

monsters (h’hey, I'm thinking ahead here, favourite Austrian artist who came up with film comes on. You f*** ing twats. indeed and they deserve both our respect

alright?). these ridiculous schemes, the Allies were Sorry, I kind of wandered off track there, and admiration.

As you can see, it's really no wonder that responsible for just as many, if not more. but I do feel better for it. It's just a shame that these men and

we love a decent war so much. My little list Winston Churchill, who is arguably one of Nowadays, it just seems that the wars women are often sent out to die so far

has also ticked off most of the ‘must the greatest leaders our country has ever we're getting into simply aren't that good from home for what are often all the wrong

haves’ for a major Hollywood blockbuster. had, wanted to initiate ‘Project Habakuk’, anymore, although I do remember Iraq reasons, and it's time we all admitted that,

That's another way to gauge how good a which basically translates to making an number 1 being pretty good. My friend as a species, we really need to look at our

war is, by seeing how many good war aircraft carrier out of a 2,000 foot long ice- Dominic and I used to listen to his little attitudes to War. As Oscar Wilde said: "As

movies are made about it afterwards. berg. We also had ‘Project Orcon’, where radio in class to keep us up with what was long as war is regarded as wicked, it will

So far, WWII is easily the winner in this we tried to get pigeons to guide our mis- happening in Desert Storm. Iraq 1 ended always have its fascination. When it is

category, with far too many good movies siles to where they needed to go. Taking as a bit of a damp squib though and I think looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be

made about it to list here. I think the Nazis into account the pigeon's well documented it will go down in history as one of our popular."

deserve a great deal of the credit for mak- and excellent sense of direction, this more forgettable conflicts. That said, I still Until all our attitudes change, I guess we'll

ing WWII such a good one. For the first doesn't seem too insane, until you remem- think it was better than Iraq War 2. keep on getting some quality war movies

time in ages we were faced with an hon- ber that it's a missile being flown by a f Mind you, Iraq 2 had all the hallmarks of out of the whole thing, so right now I'm off

est-to-goodness evil empire, and led by a to download Rambo.

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 22:23 Page 27









Who’s idea was it to put an ‘s’ in the word ‘lisp’? Page 27

Playground for Pensioners

Lengthy-Boy’s A playground for pensioners has opened up in a Manchester park.

The Older People's Play Area on the Dam Head Estate in Blackley is kit-







BIZARRE

ted out with equipment to strengthen hips, tone legs and train the upper

bodies of the over 60’s.

It was set up by the L.R.A. (local residents' association) who were

inspired by a similar playground they heard about in Germany.





NEWS

The park, which cost £15,000 to build, was tested by numerous local

fogies plus celebrity guests Noel and Liam Gallagher, before being

opened to a fat, grey, bald and liver spotted public.

It stands next to an U5’s playing zone and has six pieces of equipment

designed to give crumblies an R.G.W. (right gentle workout).

Blind Photographer Holds Exhibition Parts of the exercise stations are also accessible to wheelchair users.

A wildlife photographer is to hold an exhibition of her pictures, despite Joan Fitzgerald (76) chairperson of the Dam Head Residents'

being ‘blind around the eye’ area. Association said it was, "A great idea and great fun and made a right

Apparently, Alison Bartlett's hearing is so acute that she can even pick refreshing change to pensioners merely pissing their pants.”

up birds' wings flapping over a hundred miles away, a squirrel nibbling a Joan went on to say, "I'd recommend anyone over the age of 60 to come

cashew nut, or an aardvark passing a chuff in a blizzard. along and have a go if they think they are hard enough. After all, you're

Alison (51) of New Milton, Hampshire, began to lose her sight in 1979 never too old to play (snigger)."

due to diabetes, before it went completely Stevie Wonder in 1992.

She said: "I was determined to carry on doing all of the things I'd always Man Forced To Have Breast Reduction

done, such as driving a fork-lift truck, and, as a hobby, I continued to A Chinese woman forced her boyfriend to have breast-reduction surgery

photograph things in my back garden, simply because I knew where because his man boobs made her look flat chested.

everything was and I could pace out all of the distances and figure out Xiao Feng, of Chongqing, threatened to break up with Zhang Jianguo

all of the angles and stuff. That’s where I initially learned to listen out for unless he underwent surgery, the unreasonable cow.

wildlife. That and the ice-cream van. Zhang, who is but 5ft 7ins, yet weighs in at some 15 stone, explained,

"Of course it hurts that I cannot see my photographs for myself, but if it "She say tha’ whenever we go out, she fee’ embarrass because my

encourages other blind people to continue doing their hobbies, be they breasts much more eye-catching than hers. Somehow that my fault she

helicopter piloting or whatever, then it has surely got to be worth it." so a flat-chested old nag. Tut. Women, huh?"

Friend Jenny Gilleland helps Alison out by shouting out where to point Doctors at the First Affiliated Hospital of Chongqing Medical University

her camera (i.e. “Over there, you blind bint!”) sucked out more than 200ml of fatty tissue from ZJ’s ample knockers.

Alison said: "Jenny politely tells me where animals are and says things

like: 'Yellowhammer at two o'clock'. It’s all very James Bond. She'll even Boy Forced To Eat Greens

give me rough distances and I’ll aim my camera, focus the lens and A young boy has reported his own mother to Jamie Oliver for threaten-

shoot. OK, so sometimes I miss, but hell, so would you. ing him with a lisp if he doesn’t eat all of his greens.

"Naturally I have to rely on other people to tell me whether or not my The boy said, “I hardly think it’s fair to be thwettened in such a way as

photographs are any good, so I can only hope that they are telling me this for having the temerity to push my gweens to one side.”

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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:47 Page 28









Page 28 My weight is perfect for my height, which varies.





FIFTY...

that this is something you just don't want just any old protest, mind. They aren't writ- spondents have filled the pages with their

to do. And yet, four weeks of the 07:28 to ing to MPs and making reasoned argu- own views, all of which have been firmly

Liverpool Street and you've got yourself ments in letters to the papers and on the on one side of the fence or the other.

into a routine. Although it's just as bad as radio - the sort of thing we tried here but to Edge Editor apart, nobody has creosote

when you first looked, you don't see it no effect. No, they blow the feckers up. on their kecks from where they've been

quite so clearly any more. sitting.

Yes, that's right, they blow them up.

Similarly the Olympic logo - remember all Well, here's another chapter in the

the hoo-hah and negative comments? Yet To be fair to us Brits, we did have Captain debate, but this time a sense of perspec-

who cares now. Premiership games Gatso a few years ago, who for a while tive has been brought to bear on the argu-

abroad? Again, a huge fuss, but it will hap- went round the North Circular Road paint- ment. Recently in Tottenham Court Road

pen, because given enough time, the ing the lenses of the cameras black. That one Sunday afternoon, any passing

protests will diminish into a sea of seemed pretty heroic at the time, but it tourist would have witnessed what has to

inevitability. pales into insignificance in comparison to be described as a street party. But a





...NOT OUT!

the gang of Monsieur GATSOs who are street party with a difference, because

And so it is with speed cameras. They've taking direct action to a completely differ- this was an anti-religion demo with a twist.

been beside the road for so long now, ent level. Now you may or may not know that the

everyone has stopped arguing about Church of Scientology (yes, Tom Cruise's

Vive La France whether they should be there or not and The wholly predictable reaction from the mob) has a shop in TCR where they offer

simply accept the fact that they aren't French authorities has been to bang on ‘stress tests’ to the unsuspecting. It's here

Time was when this column would be going away. You know they aren't there to about the danger of innocent people being that the net first opens to lure the mad,

filled on a regular basis with bile and hate save lives, otherwise they'd be outside caught up in all the fireworks and how it's the deluded and the desperate into an

against the most evil invention known to schools and in residential areas instead of disgraceful that public property is being organisation that will relieve them of their

man. A device so devilish that it had the on open roads that generate the most destroyed, blah, blah, blah. Apart from cash, whilst also setting them up as a

capacity to turn the gentlest of men into income, but somehow your resistance has missing the point entirely - they are complete laughing stock.

rage filled anger machines. We're talking, been eaten away by the passage of time. responsible for this, for ‘no cameras, no

of course, about speed cameras. The You slow down as you go by, almost with- explosions’ - this completely misreads the Whether you are a believer in a 'proper'

GATSO, SPECS, or whatever other name out thinking about it, and you may even general mood. Which is, that the people religion, an agnostic or an atheist, it's hard

they go by nowadays. The fact remains give them a token two fingered salute. involved in the destruction are seen as to see anyone except scientologists

that these dreadful contraptions have But, by and large, they are now simply Franco versions of Robin Hood, standing themselves having much truck with that

been the cause of more stress than a another irritant in the day-to-day grind of up for the poor masses against an evil particular church. If you bother to look up

wasp in a spacesuit. life. Another example of how 'they', or 'the regime. Anyway, let's hope their campaign what exactly it is they believe in, you will

man', as Americans might say, are keep- continues to victory and common sense find it is nothing more or less than a poor-

In the interests of fairness, it has to be ing us plebs downtrodden and aware of prevails. ly written and completely incredible sci-

admitted that in the early days there were our lowly place in the grand scheme of ence fiction tale. It's well documented that

a good number of well meaning, but things. In this country, at least. Sadly, to our eternal shame, we never the whole shebang was invented by L.

gullible people, who bought the govern- gave Captain Gatso the support he Ron Hubbard as a tax dodge, so it's ever

ment's line that they saved lives. All that's Yet all of the above is mere pre-amble to deserved and now we’re paying the price more unbelievable that supposedly edu-

been put to rest over the last few years of a heartfelt salute to the French. Unlike a - quite literally, in the case of millions of cated people should fall for such hog-

course, as we, the great British public, number of Brits, this particular one has perfectly safe motorists who've been wash. But fall they do.

have gradually come round to the cynical, never really taken to France. Nothing caught in one of these wealth generating

yet wholly realistic place we now inhabit, especially wrong with it, it's just that it traps. Why we're paying the price is Anyway, the main point to be made here

whereby we instantly believe exactly the doesn't have the pull that certain other because we followed our own national is that the protesters on Tottenham Court

opposite of any case argued by the countries do. However, as the years roll instincts. A shrug of the shoulders fol- Road that sunny afternoon were having a

authorities with statistics. by, it's become ever more obvious that the lowed by a "what can you do?" Well, we whale of a time. Ostensibly they were

French are an admirable race when it could have taken direct action. Like the showing their displeasure at the loonies

New Labour made a rod for its own back comes to civil liberties and interference French did. Only we didn't. for kidnapping (mentally, at least) the

with the Machiavellian twisting of the truth. from the authorities. They have a very weak and vulnerable and brainwashing

Those politicians all thought they were clear view of the purpose of the people So, “Vive la France”.

being so bloody clever with their spinning, them into handing over cash on a never

they vote for and it certainly isn't to allow ending basis. That's the gist of the plac-

only now it's rebounded because nobody those rulers to be bossy-boots.

believes a word they say. So when a ards they had and the leaflets they were

speed camera is said to have saved ten

Loony Tunes handing out. But most of them were wear-

If we want to get all philosophical about it, ing a mask for some reason. Probably this

serious accidents over the last year, we all I guess it stems from the revolution 200

know instinctively that it hasn't. We know Over recent months this magazine seems was to protect themselves from the

odd years back. A people so downtrodden to have become a leading tool in the argu- famously litigious Church of Loonies, but

in our soul that some jobsworth has been that it took to executing its persecutors en-

selecting and massaging numbers to back ment between religion and secularism. it could just as easily have been part of

masse has to be given some respect. This is a spectacular, and frankly, unex- the general party atmosphere. There was

up the argument he's been told to make. Some respect from outside, and, more pected departure from the jokes and trivia no doubting whatsoever that they were all

importantly, from their current leaders. format that fortunately still remain the sta- having a damn good time though, chanti-

Anyway, rant over. It's not actually the

case against speed cameras that is my ple diet. ng across the road at the faithful few

For the latest manifestation of this Gallic Scientologists still brave enough to be

focus of attention this month. It's actually sense of solidarity against the ruling class,

the reaction to them that has proved inter- Religion, of all hues and creeds, stirs up a offering stress tests, and talking with any

we return to speed cameras, as you just lot of emotion. Even non believers now passers by that wanted to understand

esting to those of us with an eye for knew we would. The French are some

human behaviour. have an evangelist to stand behind in what it was all about. It's not impossible

years behind us in the introduction of the Richard Dawkins - ‘Darwin's Rottweiller’ alcohol was involved too.

buggers. Obviously it's needed to be man-

There's a line from an old song that's been as someone memorably called him.

aged very carefully because of the anti Anyway, there was definitely none of the

quoted here before that goes, “You get Dawkins' television programmes show

big-brother attitude we've been dis- violent undercurrent that we associate

used to anything sooner or later, it just him interviewing people of a religious

cussing, but in the past year or two, the with certain other religions, and it has to

becomes your life". It's a fine observation bent, and tilting his head slightly to make

dreaded one-eyed monsters have gradu-

on the human psyche. It distils into a few it look as if he's really listening and giving be said, that particular protest would have

ally sprouted alongside the wonderfully

words the fact that no matter how awful them due respect, but at the same time he looked quite attractive to your average

empty French roads.

something is, the passage of time dims manages to give off an air that shouts Brit, who as we've noted above, usually

the effect it has. Anyone that uses public "you are an idiot". Obviously this makes wouldn't bother to get involved.

But, Frenchmen being Frenchmen, they

transport of any kind will understand this. the faith people quite angry, but whichev-

have not taken this intrusion of the gov-

If you took a step back and looked at the er side of the argument you stand on, you Now, if only the anti-Scientology mob's

ernment into areas of their life they con-

sheer horrors involved - enforced proxim- have to admit it's hugely entertaining. organisational skills could be re-focused

sider private lying down. So a group has

ity to other people, dirt, unreliability, to speed cameras……

been organised to make a protest. Not

expense - it would force the conclusion The various Edge columnists and corre-

steveward2000@hotmail.com

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:48 Page 29









The cost of living simply hasn’t affected its popularity. Page 29

Play us a few chords on the

ham then, Darren!









ou’ve got to educate children

Y when they least expect it, is The

Edge’s philosophy.

Take these three books that kids are

likely to go straight up to their bed-

rooms to read after a hard days

graft at school, along with a stiff

G&T. In their minds they’re relaxing.

They’ve done their shift, they’ve had

their heads crammed full of knowl-

edge, so now it’s their time. Only

what they don’t realise (on account

of them being so young and imma-

ture) is that their spongelike ickle

Comics 2008

My, how comics have changed since I

Bell Street Deli bonces are still being poisoned ‘on

the QT’ by us adults who’re eager to

warn them of the dangers of wear-

was a nipper.

Not that I ever used to read Bunty, mind

The Edge wants to give the Bell Street Delicatessen in Great Baddow a bit

of a plug because owners Cathy and Darren are such a nice couple and ing too tight jeans and having a pen- you, but blimey, they certainly don’t pull

they’ve got such a cracking little store on their hands that it’s fair to say an chant for far too much cock. any punches these days, do they?

Most parents go wrong by trying to Whatever next, a Hooker Barbie Doll?

awful lot more people simply need to know it exists.

talk to their kids as though they’re In my day it was all Korky the Cat, Biffo

Situated right next door to Russells Restaurant in Great Baddow (though

miniature adults, when what you’ve the Bear and Minnie the Minx.

there is absolutely no connection between the two establishments), you can

really got to do is climb down to their

often park right outside, which is handy bonus. To the best of my knowledge, Desperate

level to make them get stuff.

BSD offer the likes of salami from Sardinia, olives from le Marche, Foie Dan never rode up Brokeback Mountain

I’d have probably made a terrific

Gras from Strasbourg, pate from Provence, honey from Estremoz (and Dad, me. And I’d have been like a on his mule and got a proper arse

Essex), chorizo from Vilar etc. breath of fresh pounding. No, he just bent iron bars with

Honestly readers, it is a proper little air at his bare hands and ate Cow Pie’s.

foodies haven that The Edge is cer- Parent/Teacher And as for Meryl the Peril, she wasn’t

tain you are bound to be impressed evenings after promiscuous in any way, shape or form

with. school. either, was she?

Just look at this (left)? How beautiful “Oh yes, I It really is a sad state of affairs when

is that? It’s truffle oil and raspberry bloody would!” comic characters turn out to be sluts.

vinegar set in hand-made glass by

Elle Arnaud Denoix at £17.99 - and

how nice a St. Valentine’s Day gift

would that have made, eh, instead

of the same old/same old?

Think Bell Street Deli and think gour-

met products, charcuterie, cheeses,

chutneys, oils, olives, dressings,

champagnes, wine, confectionery, hampers, buffets, pasta, rice ....the list is

positively endless.

Wallace & Gromit would be in their element, for in cheeses alone you can

choose from British or continental, from sheeps milk to goats milk or even

buffalo milk. Then there’s Blue

Stilton from Colston Bassett, Brie de

Meaux, Tintern, Ribblesdale Blue,

Cornish Yarg, Dolcelatte,

Mozzarella, Snowdonia (Black

Bomber, Red Devil and Green

Thunder), Parmesan Reggiano,

Feta and Halumi etc.

And as for their pates, you’ll be liter-

ally spoilt for choice. There’s

Chicken Liver, Forestiere (smooth

poultry based with wild forest mush-

rooms), Sangliere (course game

with wine), Canard (duck with

Armagnac), Faisen (pheasant with Foie Gras and Armagnac), Chevreuil

(course game with venison, port and wine), not to mention both Salmon and

Lobster Terrines and Black & Green Olive.

And how about hampers, both corporate or personal, tailored to BSD’s cus-

tomers own requirements with prices starting from as little as £20.

If this little article has given you but a mouth watering, tempting flavour of

what awaits you at the Bell Street Delicatessen, then hopefully it’ll have

done its job.

Bell Street Delicatessen

Bell Street, Great Baddow, CM2 7JR

Tel: 01245 478073

www.bellstreetdeli.co.uk

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:48 Page 30









Page 30 How can there be self-help groups?



The VW Scirocco is back! because of some pretty interior lights and a nice set of handlebars, surely?

The Scirocco is both wider and lower than the Golf and whilst an optional

electronically-operated panoramic sunroof sounds great, the thing I remem-

ber most about my old Scirocco wasn’t the gadgets, but its unquestionable

nippiness. So here you go: “The Scirocco will be launched in the UK fitted

with a 2.0-litre T-FSI four cylinder engine developing 200PS.” Bloody hell,

that’s 200bhp in old money, isn’t it? Impressive. “A range of TSI and com-

mon rail TDI engines will also be offered linked to six-speed manual and

seven-speed DSG gearboxes from the end of the year.”

The launch price is expected to be around the £20k mark and you can order

one this summer with the view to taking delivery as early as September.

Despite the fact that my old Scirocco was far from new, I’m pretty sure it had

a 1.8-litre engine which produced around 139bhp and did the 0-62mph dash

(out on the flat backroads in the fens of Lincolnshire at that time) in just 8.1

seconds, which was definitely not to be scoffed at back in 1974 when it was

first launched. But model # 2, which broke cover in 1981, was always poor

by comparison. Total Scirocco UK sales stand at 77,460.

No doubt that figure will ascend throughout the second half of 2008.

Remember the VW Scirocco, readers? So it’s really good to see an old friend back, and looking so well.

I do. I used to own one, many moons ago.

Not the last shape - which was pants - but the original ‘wedge’, which was

iconic.

Enter the phase III model and by the looks of it, the Scirocco is definitely

back.

“It looks a lot better in the metal than it does in the photo’s,” one VW exec

explained to The Edge after viewing it in Spain.

Jesus, it’s 34 years since the original Scirocco was launched. Many of the

puppies selling Golf’s and Bora’s and Jetta’s (if indeed the latter two are still

in production) in VW showrooms these days weren’t even born then.

When the Golf and the Scirocco were originally launched, they looked total-

ly new, like a breath of fresh air, and to be fair, the Golf has maintained its

air of originality to this day. But might The Edge be forgiven for suggesting

that the arse-end (see photograph above) of the all new Scirocco looks sim-

ilar to that of the not-so-new Peugeot 205/305?

But like the bloke said, it’ll maybe look different/better in the metal.

I do like the sound of this though: “A contoured, flat-bottomed steering

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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 22:01 Page 31









If swimming is so very good for you, how do you explain whales? Page 31





A Day from the diary of a BMW driver...

"The other day I was cruising along, as usual, some of those) and urged me to get onto the hard

coming onto one of my motorways, which was shoulder, no doubt so that he could congratulate

very busy and full of inferior cars. me on my excellent car and driving skills.



First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traf- Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when

fic didn’t slow down for me at all as I approached we had both stopped, the man gave me a piece

the end of the slip road. How very rude. In fact, I of paper confirming what I already knew - that my

had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap car goes fast.

between two cars in order to get onto my motor-

way at all. Apparently, he also wants everyone to know what

a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers

However, the driver of the car behind did realise license into a police station to be sent away to

his mistake and honked an apology to me via a have some special points put on it. And they're

long blast of his horn. not free points either - they're £20 each, but I was

only allowed 3 of them, which was a little disap-

Yet almost unbelievably, I had to make the exact pointing. But then the man behind the desk at the

same manoeuvre twice again before I could get police station said that because I drive a BMW, it

into the exclusive BMW lane. won't be much longer before I earn the full 12

points, and then I won't even be needing a driv-

Once there and nicely posing along at 110mph, ing license at all.

enjoying all of the adulation that the other inferior

car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior See? That’s the sort of respect you get when you

car ahead of me which was not only in the exclu- drive a BMW."

sive BMW lane, but was driving at a somewhat

ridiculous 70mph. BMW’s are great cars, but the trouble with Some asshole poured

this little article is that there’s obviously an fabric softener into

Naturally, I got to within a foot of its rear bumper element of truth to what’s being said. Sadly the bird bath

and began flashing my headlights to politely and strangely, many BMW drivers do seem to

remind him that he shouldn't be in the BMW lane hang off your rear numberplate when they’re

at all and to get out of my way. behind you and somewhat justifiably are

viewed as being ignorant pranksters by the

Of course, once the driver realised that he had a rest of us. Not all of them, obviously, but it

BMW behind him, he did just that, although I was only takes a few for shit to stick.

somewhat aghast when he pulled straight back Strangely, it seems to be BMW series three

out behind me. drivers who are the worst, and The Edge has

a theory about that.

What’s more, he also tried to keep up with me Series three BMW drivers have clawed their

and when he realised there was no way he was way up after years of driving Ford’s and VW’s

going to out-run me, he put on some strange blue and Seat’s and Renault’s.....and boy, are they

flashing lights in his front grill (I’ll have to get me gonna let the rest of us know about it!

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 22:02 Page 32









Page 32 Teach a child to be polite and they’ll never be able to merge onto a motorway when they grow up.



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One For The Album

Soon after landing at Denver Airport, “Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner” is what we heard as a local-

ly based snowboarder greeted some of his mates who’d just flown in, whilst me, Mrs Edge and ‘The

Length’ began tutting and looking skywards in disbelief.

Honestly, what the f

*** is “Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner” all about when it’s at home?

That’s why I hate snowboarders.....even though I try to be one myself, yet always fail miserably and

end up hurting myself. Primarily, they just come out with huge great big mouthfuls of shit.

Not only that, but they’re generally always ‘all grunged up’ too - know what I mean? For instance, just

look at this cock (above). This lad just about sums up everything I cannot stand about ‘his sort’. Look

at the colour of his bloody jacket, for starters. Who’d want a jacket the colour of pure vomit?

A bloody snowboarders, that’s who.

Mind you, skiers who go for 1970s League Division One football kit type outfits aren’t much better,

what with their wrap-around shades and Black & White Minstrel eyes once their specs come off. But

hey, skiers are a whole different story.

Look at matey’s stance. It’s confrontational, yeah? (Unless he’s just ‘followed

through’ on the Tommy Chufter front, in which case he’s naturally forgiven.)

Is his spine twisted in a different way to everyone else’s, or what? Christ, he

even looks as though he’s on a board even when he’s not, if you get The

Edge’s drift. (“Where’s your board, mate? Or are you 10,000ft up just for the

frigging fashion show?”).

Not only that, but when snowboarders sachet and slide up to where you dock

your boards before breaking for lunch (like cowboys tie up their horses

before entering a saloon.....only why ever the horses don’t just wander off is

beyond me, because their reins are generally looped rather than tied), they

bloody well fly up at breakneck speed before nonchalantly, almost mid-con-

versation with their buddy, coming to a sudden halt and stepping easily out

of the board’s ample clutches that I generally have to sit down to accomplish.

Aaaaaggggghhhhh, I bloody hate them.

Jealous?

What, me? Why, of course I’m bloody jealous. What took you so long to work

So you think it’s clever to accelerate

that out? They make me sick ’cos they make snowboarding look so damn

easy. (And all of you smug skiers can piss off too!)

quickly away from the lights?

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The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 25/03/2008 21:50 Page 33









They told me I was gullible, and damn it, I believed ’em. Page 33

through their noses and plenty of earlobe.

The story centres around one in particular,

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JP’s village is set upon by some marauding Telchristie Car Sales

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rains come and drown the poor sods.

At the time of its release, I read how very violent

Apocalypto supposedly was, and perhaps it is.

However, such violence certainly isn’t gratuitous,

or out of context. It’s films like Nil By Mouth that

really turn my stomach.

So far as The Edge is concerned, the opening

scene, when J.P., his dad and his mates are out

el Gibson’s Apocalypto isn’t a bad movie. hunting and chasing a tapir (a sort of stout, grunt-



M In fact, it isn’t a bad movie at all.



But I guess because of all the anti-Mel publicity

ing hoglike creature), now that was definitely the

most chilling scene in my eyes. So much so, I

really can’t imagine how that poor tapir ever made

that surrounded this movie at the time of its it to the ‘take 2’ and ‘take 3’ stage.

released, I dunno, I guess I just didn’t fancy it. The Edge hired Apocalypto from Blockbuster

However, make sure you don’t miss it now that it’s on Springfield Road, Chelmsford.

available on DVD (and has been for some con-

siderable time, no doubt, only I didn’t get around

to seeing it until just the other weekend).

The Edge would say: ‘Not as good as Last of the

Mohicans, but better than 300’ ... oh, now don’t

spit your dummy out, Kingpin, that is just my own

particular view and I’m sticking to it.

Apocalypto is a historical adventure set in the

16th century about the Mayan civilisation of South

Cornflakes - do you remember how good

and Central America. The chaps have got some

they are?

weird, scarlike tattoos on their faces, bones

The Edge 138:The Edge 138.qxd 26/03/2008 13:54 Page 34









Page 34 When everything and everyone has gone, experience is what you’ve got left.

cle like the devil is chasing you whilst some mad

shouty woman paces up and down screaming,

“Faster! Faster!” for 45 minutes non-stop. I tell

you, I was all for letting the devil catch me - the

punishment couldn’t have been any worse.

I honestly felt like death when I finally managed

to cock my leg back over that saddle. My heart

was pounding, my vision was blurred and I

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class was over. Whatever they’re on, I’ve got to

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get me some.

I thought things couldn't get any worse, but I

was wrong. After all but crawling into the chang-

ing rooms, I was confronted by the sight of a

woman prancing around starkers whilst drying

her hair. Yes, she was drying her hair with not a

Let’s Get Physical stitch on. Now I ask you, would you seriously dry

I am surrounded by people who love going to your hair at home in the buff whilst hanging out

the gym. All my friends and family rave about it the window to see what the neighbours were up

and how good it makes them feel, particularly to? No, you would not. So why be so brazen in

afterwards. They are forever ringing me up to a public changing room? Why do people

tell me that they’re just about to go for a work- assume that you want to look at their naked

out. Like I care. In fact, I even have the use of body? They may be comfortable in their own

a state of the art gym and heated indoor pool skin, but what about the rest of us?

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right near my home, but do I use it? Do I heck. I tried to ignore her as best I could, so I turned

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797 44 44 other day that Madonna swears by. I was set- locker when I heard a voice behind me say,

ting it up and thinking to myself, ‘I’m not going "Nice bag." It was her. Starkers. She’d only

to use it as much as Madonna does because I come over to examine my handbag stark bol-

don't want to look as muscley as her.’ So there lock naked, hadn’t she. I stuttered (well, you

I was, getting delusions of being able to do a would stutter, wouldn’t you?) and mumbled

full body workout in 5 minutes flat and look like something about buying it in Selfridges, hoping

a goddess in under a week. Oh, how those this would shut her up and that she’d go away

adverts suck you in. and leave me alone. No such luck. She even

Well, I had a go, but I packed it in after just two struck up a conversation. Starkers. Whilst all the

minutes of being shaken, rather than stirred. time I am thinking to myself, ‘Don't look down.

The damn thing gave me a migraine, so that Just don't look at her muff.’

was the end of that. I ended up feeling proper “What do you think about Britney Spears?” she

giddy and sick and had to go have a lie down in asked me. I don't give a toss about Britney

a dark room. I'll never set foot on the damn Spears. Only why was she asking me about

thing again. Does anyone want to make me an Britney Spears? With no clothes on. “Look at the

offer for it? money she’s got,” she said. “She could go shop-

I have always hated gyms. How can anyone ping morning, noon and night if she wanted to,

enjoy running ’til the sweat is pouring off you so how on earth can she be so unhappy? Lucky

and making you smell? Don't kid yourself, you old her, is what I say, not having a husband to

do smell. tut and moan about your spending habits. I bet

I am so much happier in my own little world of she doesn't have to sneak her clothes in from

shopping. Bending down for shoes (in boxes) the car in the dead of night. Even if she were

and reaching up for handbags (on shelves) is married, I’ll bet every time her husband said,

really hard work, you know. Not to mention the “New top, love?” she’d go, “What, this tatty old

sheer adrenalin that you get when you make a thing?” World’s just not fair.” Then, without draw-

purchase. It is honestly like no other drug ing breath, she was straight into Britney losing

known to (wo)man. her kids. “I do feel sorry for her though,” she

The trouble is, every time you pick up a maga- said. “I mean, have you seen her kids? They

zine these days you’re bombarded with stories look a little bit cross-eyed, don’t you think?

of women who have lost 3 stone in two days Trailer Park Trash is what I say.” But I am no

flat. How Liz Hurley lives on two mung beans a longer listening. All I can think about is keeping

day and wakes up full of, well, beans every my eyes fixed on her face, on my locker, on my

morning and can fit into all of the dresses in her handbag. God help me. Only before I even

entire wardrobe is, quite frankly, beyond me. All know it, I've looked, haven’t I. Then I’m thinking,

we keep being told is that we've got to eat ‘five ‘Oh no, oh God, she knows I've just looked at

of this’ and ‘five of that’ every single day’, and her bits’. I feel terrible. I feel awful. Even after-

that we've got to exercise to avoid heart dis- wards, after I’d managed to extract myself from

ease. Only I’ve noticed that since I’ve been her naked clutches, I’m walking to the car think-

married I've put on a few pounds here and ing. ‘Oh gosh, did I really do that?’

there. People say its contentment, but I beg to OK, so I accept that all of you red hot males out

differ. Every time Him Indoors annoys me, there reading this are currently getting a little

which is usually every 10 minutes (even on a excited under the collar, but just imagine if it was

good day), I end up reaching for the biscuit tin you at the gym and you that a man came over

to calm my nerves. I keep telling myself that to chat to in the changing room, with his dangly

biscuits are better than crack cocaine and bits out everywhere, dangling in front of you

vodka, but the reality seems to betray the lie. whilst blow drying his hair. You'd soon change

Despite myself, I decided to get my arse off the your tune, wouldn't you?

couch and go down to my local gym. Never one So that's it. I am never going to the gym again.

to do anything by halves, I immediately decid- Ever. I’m going back to my usual routine of walk-

ed to join in on a spinning class. Now, for those ing the pounds off by pounding the streets of

of you who are sensible and have never set Chelmsford shopping. Surely I can't get myself

foot in a gymnasium in your entire lives, spin- into too much trouble that way, can I?

ning classes consist of riding a stationery bicy-

Tracie123@aol.com

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