THE HUMOR OF THE GAME
By A. W. TILLINGHAST
A YOUNG English professional, who but re-
cently arrived in America, tells this story.
One evening he had remained until a late
hour with a brother pro' at the latter's club and after
small talk appropriate to the hour they prepared to
go their respective ways.
"I'll go ye a roond o' th' links in th' morn, Wullie,"
challenged Jamie.
the customary "Wee Deoch an' Doris" had been "In th' morn?" Willie replied dubiously , scratch-
followed by "just one more," "the last"; and then the ing his head.
"very lastest," the two tipplers, arm in arm, started "Aye—th' morn. Ye're no' afeart, are ye Wullie?"
out into the night for home. "Na, na! I'm no' afeart!" flashed "Wullie,"—
Officer (commanding skirmishing party). "Very sorry to put you off your game, Sir; but we had to come across here."
Golfer. "Don't mention it, Sir. It makes me feel I've done my bit."—From Punch.
They had quite forgotten that in the neighborhood "I'm no' afeart, an' I'll go ye a roond in th' morn, but
there was a training camp for recruits and they I had thocht o' gettin' buckled—marriet ye' ken—in
suddenly found themselves facing the bayonet of a th' morn."
sentry. ———
"What do you want?" he demanded. The eminent Professor was giving a lesson on the
"I'll take Scotch" replied the local pro'. application of force to some of his young gentlemen.
——— They were on the links.
"Fine shot, Alice! Fine shot!" exclaimed the "I cannot understand," said he, "why unreflecting
dutiful husband, whose wife, who partnered him in minds attach so much difficulty to processes that in
the mixed foursome, had just driven off. Then he reality are very simple."
edged over to her caddie and whispered hastily— "I hold in my hand a little white sphere of com-
"Where in hell did it go?" posite construction. It is exceedingly resilient and
——— therefore unresisting. The force required to overcome
One fine evening two Scotsmen met and after the its inertia is not great. In order better to illustrate
41
G O L F I L L U S T R A T E D
Now, as I did watch the ball, I did ask Professor John Dunn
a question which he did answer thereupon, to wit:—"Suppose
then the ball doth hit the bull's-eye, is it then a true drive?"
He did answer "Yea." I then did ask:—Suppose the ball, when
hitting the bull's-eye, doth spin in such way that if prolonged,
as upon an open golf course, it would go to the left or right?"
To which he did reply:—"Then verily, it is no true hit." And
thereupon I did argue that a scholar might hit said bull's-eye
many times and yet in all those hittings not drive a true or straight
ball down the course; so that he might during all these winter
months learn to hit ten thousand bull's-eyes and yet, to his
surprise, not be able to drive straight upon the course when he
came to play outdoors in the month of May. "Verily," John
Dunn did reply, "the scholar will learn the correct stance, mo-
tions, holding of the hands and fingers, carrying of the head,
and keeping the eye fixed upon the ball. The causing the ball
to fly straight will come to him later on."
Now truly these things be necessary to the novice at golf,
and for a small price he may take much exercise, which is good,
and he may have a shower bath afterwards should he so choose.
I did conclude that such exercise once or twice each week was
altogether most excellent for the novice, though whether it would
benefit ye olden tymer, I have some doubt.
I proceeded in good time to another bin or net work alley
where a lady was studying the Art of the Approach. Certain
pockets in the net work were so arranged to catch the ball,
my contention I will place it on this slight elevation high—low—right—or left. She did play right capably, and
of sand—so!" seemed well satisfied with her work, stating several times to her
"Now I hold in my hand an instrument of peculiar lady companion who stood nearby, "I shall surely give Mistress
construction but which, I may venture to say, is B.—our champion—a monstrous surprise next summer." The
attendant did often praise her skill, stating that Mistress Ravens-
admirably adapted to the purpose for which it is
croft could not do better. Presently, the lady did put on her cloak
intended. It consists of a long, slender, tapering and walked out, her nose high in the air, believing herself on the
shaft, attached at its smaller end to a very curiously high road of fame, at the game of golf. But when I considered
shaped head, which, in order to increase the mo- that, though she hit the ball well, she did not control the same,
mentum, is liberally supplied with lead." as it would—in real play—fall or be dropped upon the green, or
"The demonstration before us, young gentlemen, nearby—I realized that she had no well grounded reason for her
great self-esteem. The lesson, however, as I could easily dis-
requires that we swing this instrument in such a cern, afforded her great bodily and mental benefit, and there-
manner that its head will be brought in contact with fore I did determine to urge my wife to take lessons each week
the ball and send the latter forcibly in a required (albeit, she doth not need lessons in self-esteem) for she hath
direction—all quite simple, you will agree, notwith- complained bitterly of late of indigestion, for the cure of which,
to my great distress, she hath taken to eating leeks.
standing its supposed psychological difficulties. We
On the putting green I myself did essay putts of some
will proceed to a practical illustration." twenty-five feet in length, over a thick green cloth of Dutch
The Professor proceeded, swung, missed the ball make, giving the outward semblance of grass. This cloth was
completely, and fell over backwards into the bushes not made flat or level as are most indoor greens, but was cun-
behind the teeing ground. ningly contrived with a small hillock in the center which caused
the ball to wobble and to run in many and divers directions—
"Pipe d' old guy, tryin' t' give golf lessons!" very
and most difficult it was to enter the hole. I did essay it some
audibly commented a small caddie in a nearby group fifty times with most indifferent success, after which I did quit
which had been observing the proceedings in awe. the golf school much depressed, and, remembering an especial
"Say, Bo! yuh gotter keep yer lamps on d' ball!" new style coffee-pot my wife did greatly desire as a Christmas
——— gift, did retreat into the cellar of the storehouse, where I made
purchase of the same.
INDOOR GOLF December twenty-fifth. To the Ritz, where I brought my
Diary of our Samuel Pepys wife and six of my children, as it was Christmas Day, for a game
December twenty-fourth. To Moneymaker's storehouse where of indoor golf, and seeing many well dressed dames and many
I did ascend by lift to an upper story, and by picking my way handsome coiffures in the coffee room, my wife did begin to
through a dense forest of furniture did find at last the golf course lament and cry out that I had not purchased a new bonnet or
presided over by John Dunn. Here the student of golf who is gown for her since Whitsunday—to the which I made reply that
not satisfied with nine months of golfing under blue skies and rain in War times economy was to be preferred, and she did answer
bearing clouds, may perfect his several strokes, approachings that I had always some ready excuse. Seeing her thus growing
and putts by a winter course of training. peevish, I did seek out the golf school of course, and presently
Here I did see a large fat man with huge paunch essay to Mr. Prattle, a dapper young man of the hostelry, informed me
strike many times at a ball laid upon a new door mat, and at that I had come upon the wrong day. I did then proffer to him
last hit the same so that it flew into a net work, and so fell harm- a fine cigar, and presented him to my wife and children, and we
less upon the floor. He did essay to hit a certain bull's-eye or did sit and talk golf (of which I never tire) and listened to the
target upon the net work, and after many trials, did succeed, music and watched the minuet with great enjoyment.
greatly to his joy and satisfaction. (Continued on page 44)
42
44 G O L F I L L U S T R A T E D
THE HUMOR OF THE GAME
(Continued from page 42)
Mr. Prattle did tell us of his great plans for winter golf—
how that among his clients or scholars were many gentlemen of
large fortunes, who had been requested to raise a fund of many
million dollars, so that a real golf course (if so be the money were
forthcoming) might be placed upon the roofs of many tall build-
ings adjacent to the Ritz—a hole upon each roof. He informed
us that the owners of nine such buildings had given their con-
sent, so that, when the course was fully complete, a player could
tee upon the roof of the Ritz, thence drive to the green upon the
roof of the Grand Central Palace, thence to the roof of the New
Club of Elihu Yale—where a collation would be provided—
thence to the roof of Scrivener's Warehouse—then to the Uni-
versity Club roof—where a learned professor of Latin and Greek
would welcome him—thence to the Hotel St. Regis, where
cigars and tobacco would be provided—at a slight expense.
Mr. Prattle did then enumerate four other roofs until he
was back again at the Ritz without a mishap. My wife did
inquire most sensibly—how would the players convey them-
selves from roof to roof? And was answered:—"mayhap by
aeroplane—but these minor details are not fully completed."
Being non-plussed at this, I did venture:—"Surely, you would
not invite our rich citizens to contribute to such a hazard?"
To which he made answer:—"They are used to subscribing to
strange hazards." Moreover, he did laugh loud and long—
proclaiming that it was Christmas Day and the Season of Joy.
Whereupon my wife and I took our departure homeward,
much upset by reason of doubt and misgiving.
Alexander Macpherson
———
I know of a man who, although good-natured
enough ordinarily, permits his golf to irritate him to
irascibility. He is a kind-hearted man and one day
his conscience smote him as he observed the tears in
his caddie's eyes. The boy was not altogether to
blame for the wild slice which had been lost far over
in the rough and the dressing down, which he received,
was unwarranted. Admitting this to himself, the
player handed the boy an extra "quarter" after the
round, and now he wonders why his caddies are so
exasperating. They court scoldings at "so much per
scold."
It suggests the experience of a well-known, elderly
Metropolitan golfer at Pinehurst some years ago.
One day his drive landed squarely on the head of a
negro caddie. Nothing short of an ax would have
really made an impression on that skull, and the
player was an exceedingly light hitter, too, but the boy
dropped to the ground, declaring that he was killed.
However, a silver dollar wrought a miracle in re-
surrecting the dead. For some days the players at
Pinehurst witnessed a most unusual spectacle, for
whenever Mr. E's shots were coming to earth, there
waiting, would be all of the black boys in the vicinity,
jostling each other and leaping into the air in the
endeavors to effect a contact of wool with gutta
percha—at a dollar per kill.
This reference to the negro caddie of the South
recalls a conversation.
"Now, Sam," said the Judge in a Southern city,
to his colored caddie, who by the way was past his
adolescence—"I want you to watch this shot very
closely—There!—what did I do wrongly then?"
(Continued on page 46)
46 G O L F I L L U S T R A T E D
THE HUMOR OF THE GAME
(Continued from page 44)
"Yo, sho nuff throw up yo' haid, Jedge!"
"All right, Sam; watch me again."
"Yassah.—Haid still ez er possum, Jedge; but
yo's got de ol' habit ob liffin' yo' eyes ergin."
"My old habit of lifting my eyes again? Why, you
black rascal, what do you know about me lifting my
eyes?"
"How Ah know?" giggled Sam, "yo' all's liffin yo'
eyes now, des er way yo' liff 'em at me atter Ah had
been foun' in de Cunnel's chicking coop, an' yo'
says—sixty days, nigger! Call de nex' case!"
(Continued on page 49)
G O L F I L L U S T R A T E D 49
THE HUMOR OF THE GAME
(Continued from page 46)
"Do you know, Jock," said the Colonel—
"it's not to be wondered at my picking up
the game so quickly. I've got just a little
Scotch in me."
"Aye, Colonel, I ken it weel, and by th'
pairfume it's no' a little—but a pint, jist."
———
"Do you live far from here?" inquired a
golfer of the old fellow who had been
caddieing for him in North of Scotland.
"About foor miles, Sor," replied the old
fellow. Then he added, "An' I walk foor
miles every time I'm awantin' a drink o'
whusky, Sor."
"Four miles for a drink of whiskey! Why,
my man! Why don't you keep a bottle in
your house?"
There was mild amazement in the Scot's
face as he replied, simply—"Whusky won't
keep in th' house, Sor!
The Eccentricities of Attitude!